The Swap (2016) Script

-How am I doing? -Killing it, man.

Keep working on rebounding from the hit and there'll be three Malloys on varsity.

-Come on, dude! Gimme the puck! -No, gimme the puck!

-Jack! -Four if you count your dad.

Jack, "it's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get back up." Vince lombardi.

"But ya gotta get up quicker." Coach Malloy.

Son or not, if you don't recover quicker, you're not making my team.

Understood, coach. Will work on my post- check rallying, sir.

So, sassy met Aspen at fashionista glam camp this summer.

No big shocker there.

No wonder. I thought it was weird that Aspen just transferred in and sassy's already under her spell.

Fashionista glam camp. What do they even do there?

Who knows and who cares?

Ok, girls, hustle in!

Ok, we are going to make a shift.

Claire, I'm gonna be working with you today, Ellie, you're gonna spot MacKenzie, and Aspen, you're gonna spot sassy.

What?! But coach, sassy and i have been practice partners

-since, like, forever. -Don't exaggerate, El.

Like, only since kindergarten.

Ok, but Aspen is new to town--

-from New York! -Buffalo, New York.

-It's still New York. -It is still New York.

And she and sassy are just a better physical match, ok?

Ok, moving on!

Ok. Focus zone. First varsity, then early acceptance into Boston college, -then drafted by the bruins-- -yeah, I've seen "the list", -jackattack. -Bro, don't worry about coach. You're cruising past everyone.

But keep an eye on dumbledork over there.

Who, Porter? He's been trying to escape j.V.

Since we were sophomores.

He'd knock his own grandmother's teeth out just to keep another Malloy from getting a spot.

Yo, you got this, bro.

Girls, it is time to put your big girl leotards on, because the rumors they're true.

-Trumors. -The school is making budget cuts and is eliminating one of the sports teams, so it is between the badminton team -gross, i know, ew- and us.

So if we don't win big on Sunday against silver leaf high, and I mean big, they are gonna demote us to a club.

-A club? -That's what I said. Like chess, or thespians?

-For serious? This is tragical! -Coach, they can't do that!

My dad, uh, people will never drive halfway across the state to see a club!

I know that, and... Aw, come on!

Oh, my goodness! Are you alright, Carol?

That was my mistake. I was aiming for your neck.

-Aim for your neck next time! -That doesn't make sense.

I will come over there, i will break you in half!

Ok, you guys, you're gonna be fine. I mean, with Ellie as your old powerhouse and Aspen as your new powerhouse, how can you lose?

Jack, be the puck! Be the stick!

Be the puck and the stick and the space in between!

-Are you listening? -Wha...?

Not looking, listening!

Not so tough for a coach's kid, are you, Malloy?

You can't even take a hit.

I can take a hit, Porter, and I'll take that last varsity spot too.

Yeah!

Listen up, shmelts! Bring it in!

Ok, decent job. But whoever's gonna get that last varsity spot, I'm gonna need to see your a-game, and that's not just on the ice, but off it, too! No horseplayin', no highjinksin', and definitely no unsportsmanlike shenanigangin'!

We've got two more days of tryouts, boys.

Show me what you're made of!

You wanna rescue this team, don't you? Yeah.

You do. Everything you need is inside you right now.

You just have to find it. You're not little girls anymore!

You're men now! The world's gonna be your oyster!

You're women, hear you roar!

Right?

And all you've gotta do... -Is not blow it!

Don't leave me hanging here. Yes! Don't blow it!

Yeah! Don't blow it, boys!

Don't blow it! Don't blow it! Don't blow it!

Good job, you guys. But don't leave me next time that long, right?

'Cause for me, that's very awkward.

Oh, he's coming down! Oh!

We've got nothing.

Dude, ya gotta chop that salad. You practically got a man bun going.

-Nobody's touching my hair, dude. -Come on, it's a varsity tradition. Plus it might help you with your "lady troubles".

Shut it.

-Quit bustin' his chops, Sally. -Who you chirpin' at, Mary?

Aw, you gonna cry, baby butter?

-Man up! -Not crying.

Champ.

Oh! You might cry when coach sees that!

-Yeah, thanks, guys. -Oh, little bro pushing back!


Broskinator. Here.

I know it's pink, but at least it still has service. Coach said he didn't shut it off because he paid the year in advance, but I think he just couldn't.

Nah, it's ok. I'll just go off the grid for a little while.

How's he gonna text you his inspirational quotes?

'Sides, I already transferred your number.

Mom sure did love her sparkles.

Hey, what soon-to-be varsity athlete doesn't want a twinkly sequined lady phone?

Mom? What's with the car?

Oh, I feng shui-ed it, honey, to give you a stronger life force for the big weekend coming up!

-I'm excited. Are you so excited? -Yeah.

Oh, I got that.

Let's go!

Sweetie, won't you let me get you a new phone?

Your dad left that ancient thing behind for a reason.

It's not ancient. It's...

Retro-chic.

I just think you're attaching too much significance to an inanimate object.

"Mystical religions 101." Early shamans knew investing too much emotional energy in an object...

Could make it a totem and give it power over you.

Mom, it's a cell phone, not gollum's ring.

Hey, Jacko! You're 30 seconds late for "one-on-one truck time" with coach.

-He's pulling up now. You know how he hates to wait. -Come on, buddy.

"Better three hours too soon than a minute late."

Shakespeare.

Not even an athlete. Not with those pantaloony things he wore.

Yes, sir. Probably not, sir.

Would it really be so bad if the team became a club?

I was in Spanish club and it was "muy divertido"!

And MacKenzie is in stem club, isn't she?

At least it would be something new, and "new" is good.

New moons, new experiences, perhaps a new best friend?

-Sassy's my best friend. -Well, maybe you could let some new energy in.

I mean, isn't that what sassy's doing?


Thanks.

Have such a good day, sweetie! Mommy loves you.

-Bye, mom. -'Sup, dog breath? -'Sup, dork chop?

Good to see you, bud.

Hey! 'Sup, hot mama?

News flash? Skirts don't have legs.

-So embarrassing... -Amirite?

-There. We good? -Not really.

Sass, come on, you know we always wear our tracksuits the Friday before a meet.

-Rg pride, right? -Yeah! Wish I hadn't caved.

Uh, yeah, we did, like, make a pact last year...

Well, I wasn't here last year to lead a fashion rescue, now was I?

Ooh, sassy, look! It's your future first husband, Jack Malloy!

You like Jack? You didn't tell me.

Does he even know who you are?

Have you never heard of a vision board? Jack is all over hers.

-Go ahead, do it like we practiced. -Ok.

-Jack, here comes a girl! -Say something.

Hey, guys.

Heeeyyyy, jaaaaack.

Uh...

Uh...

Ha...

Well, at least this time you opened your mouth, bromigo.

Yeah. Maybe next time words will come out.

Ooh, I love the strong silent type!

Nice phone, Malloy. You use that to schedule your mani-pedis?

Hey, I was thinkin'.

Doesn't coach have a rule, if you start a fight you can't be on varsity?

-You oughta know, you've tried out three times. -Actually, four times.

Did sophomore year twice, idiot.

Go ahead, ladies first!

Then it'll look like you started it when I show the video to coach. Or does that even matter?

Don't all Malloys get a free ride onto varsity?

Ha, worked better than i expected. Oh, man.

Say goodbye to your dreams, buddy.

Seriously?! I've had a milk mustache since lunch?!

You think things with Ellie are tough now? It's only gonna get worse, babe.

I mean, people like us have to make legit tough decisions sometimes.

I know, I know. I wish Ellie'd just get it without me having to be all

-super awk obvious. -It's kind of sad, actually.

Almost as sad as that ponytail. I mean, what is she, 12? Oh, and daddy's heirloom phone? Why is she so attached to that thing?

-Like, move on already! -Yeah, I mean, it was super sad when her dad left, but, like, life goes on and...

Ooh, is that "paparazzi pucker"?

No, it's called "lip glossip". Try it!

Maybe I can just tell her she's being too clingy and she'll, like, change? I mean, I don't want to actually hurt her feelings.

Ok, ok, fine, give her one more chance, keep her on social life support.

But if she's her typical buzzkill self at Claire's party, it might be time to pull the plug. Beep.

Beep. Beep.

Beeeeep.


It's my lucky day. I got a crier and a kid with a bloody nose.

Here. Wipe off the tears, kid.

You took quite a hit, didn't you, hon? You want cry?

We won't tell anybody.

Not crying. Not a girl.

No offense.

None taken.

Oh, that makes it less offensive?

"Not crying". Yeah, 'cause you've got nothing to cry about! I mean, you're a guy, aren't you?

If someone disses you, you don't have to hide in a bathroom stall.

-Guys have it so easy! -Ok, pull it back, pit bull!

In what universe do guys have it easy?

If some ginosaurus tricked you into a fight, think people'd blame you?!

No, you'd just get all emo then hug it out with your mom in the kitchen

-while you bake banana bread or... -Ok, zip it.

You wanna fight the battle of the sexes?

Why don't you just text, like every other kid does?

No more yakking in my office.

-This one's hers, mine is the pink one. -I don't care and I mean it.

Keep those Mac'n'cheese holes shut.


Fine, you wanna goof off, I'm gonna go to the snack bar, get myself some pork rinds.

I love pork rinds.

Why am I on the floor?

Did I forget deodorant? I smell like a dude.

And why does my thumb taste like athletic tape and dirt?

What the what? Wait, who painted my fingernails?

You... you stole my face!

You stole my whole body! How'd you get inside?

How'd I get inside?

This is like a nightmare! I feel so grimy!

Dude! Slap me, and I'll slap you, and we'll see if we can slap each other -ourselves- back to reality!

Ok.

-Ow! -Oh!

Oh, sorry! Boy hands just hit so hard!

Ew, why am I so sweaty in weird places?

-What is the purpose of underarm hair? -Dude, focustrate!

What exactly were we doing right before this... This thing happened?

Texting. We were texting!

-"I wish I had your life..." "Take it. Then I'd get yours."

We did this!

No! No! It's just a stupid text! I once texted a wish that I could power fart myself across the ice and trust me, that didn't happen!

Ok, you're right. I mean, a text can't have that kind of power.

Investing too much emotional energy in an object could make it a totem and give it power

-over you. -But wait! A totem can!

That phone! Is it, like, special to you in some way?

I guess. Yeah. I mean... it belonged to somebody special.

I can't believe it. My mom isn't crazy after all.

She took this class on mystical religions, and if you put too much emotional energy into one object, you could turn it into a totem, and then it could have power over you.

Bro, no way, that is nuts!

We just swapped bodies!

You got a better theory, Mr. lady?

Ok, we gotta un-text our wish!

Maybe it's the second part of the text? We said our lives would be better if we were each other. But we didn't mean it!

Your mom must have a book from that class, right? So we sneak over to your house and--

I can't sneak anywhere! My mom's, like, got her pilot's license in helicopter parenting!

Ok, ok!

We gotta fake being each other till we can get there!

Speed coaching, one on one, let's do this!

-Ew! Don't get your spit all over it! -Technically it's your spit, but... oh, who cares? Focus zone!

Oh, just lemme do it!

Ok, fine, whatever, me first.

Hockey is my life. I live with my dad and twin brothers.

-You live with all guys?! We call my dad coach, and we exercise a lot, like, a lot a lot. Ah!

Sorry! Ok, me. I live with my mom, she's a yoga instructor and she schedules, like, her entire life around me.

-I specialize in the ribbon in rhythmic gymnastics. -Is that what it's called?

I've seen you girls jumping around or whatever.

It's called practice!

R.G. Is a totally legit sport!

-Ah! Don't yank, twinkle toes! -What now, highlights?

Get out.

I think you might need glasses for your eyeballs, I'm getting vertigo. I think I'm gonna puke.

No puking in my body! Ugh, how do you carry yourself around on these feet?

No! She can't see us together! She likes y... and she can't think I like...

Can't break girl code! Just get away, get away!

Heeeeeyyyy, jaaaaaack.

Oh! Uh... hey there, miss sassy.

Ohh, so you do know my name!

Um, Ellie? What are you doing here?

Uhh.

Mmmmaaa. Suh... suh...

See? Buzzkiller.

I'm gonna make my mom late for bikram belly dancing.

And as we all know, bikram is amazeballs. So let's go.

I hope to see you soon, Mr. Malloy.

What was that?! "Uhh... maaa... suh-suh"?

I just, I'm not used to being a girl, ok? I choked!

Where's the "we're gonna have to fake it" guy? I mean, she's my best friend and we're... going through a thing right now

-and you can't make things worse! Ok, just don't lose it!

'Cause nothing would make things worse for me than my father or anyone else seeing my body blubbering like that!

-Sorry if I have real emotions, ok? -Shh! Come on, this way!

Malloy! Guess where I'm headed?

Over to a viewing party with coach, a.K.A.K... a., -your daddy. -What is your problem, dude?

Why can't you just leave me, her, him alone? Stop spreading your misery, man!

A firecracker, aren't ya? What's your name, tracksuit?

Uh... Ellie?

Ellie. I'm Porter. Hi.

It's a pleasure. Please tell me you're not with him.

-No way. Not even possible. -You like donuts, Ellie?

I got a little buy a dozen get one free coupon for donut diggs.

Maybe I can give you my freebie? Tomorrow A.M.?

Yes! But, uh...

Heeeeeeyyyy, pooooorrrrty...

-I'm gonna be sick. -I'd looovvve to go out for a fried pastry. You know, if you do me a solid and don't show Jack's dad that video thingy.

S'pose it can wait one more day.

Alright then.

10am manana.

"Porty". That's awesome.

Ugh! I need a disinfecting bath.

I am not going out with "porty", and neither is my body!

Hey, if I have to be a girl, I'll at least use it to make things better for the guy-me.

-Alright, but we gotta split up. -Hey, jackalope!

Let's go. But call me.

Man, I don't know how you're gonna make it through tryouts today.

You can't blow this! My whole future depends on hockey!

Yeah, well, rhythmic is everything to me, and my dad is driving out for my meet on Sunday! So, ditto, like, times 100!

I think I can handle flipping some ribbons and doing somersaults.

Seriously? That's what you think we do? Ow!

The rhinestones on this thing are cutting up my face.

Which could use some serious exfoliation, by the way.

I told you, you gotta keep sparkly and I gotta keep this... Relic until everything's settled!

If my dad called and i answered with this chick voice, we'd be toast!

Ok, my brothers gunner and stryker are picking me up.

Gunner, stryker and Jack? They run out of cool names at the cool name store?

Coach picked their names, my mom picked my...

Just look for a blue truck, ok?

Alright, and you look for a yoga type lady in a red bubble car.

Ok. I'll call you after practice when I get the totem book.

-Good luck. -Good luck.

Ellie! What are you doing? That is so dangerous!

Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!

I mean, lady. Ma'am.

Mom.

Hey, Jacko! Come on! What are you waiting for, an invitation?

OMG. This is a thing?

'Sup, champ? First day on the new legs?

You know I can't resist that little puppy face of yours.

All is forgiven.

This is so weird.

So! How was your day?

Uh... totally unreal.

Awesome! So, who d'you sit with at lunch? What'd you talk about?

Claire's mom told me all about the party tomorrow night. Is everybody super excited?

I would be so super excited. She told me it's a Paris theme. Ooh la la, that sounds amazing!

We should get you a new dress.

So what do you say, shaggy? Chop-chop for the fuh-fuh?

You up for it? Chopping the salad?

Uh... I guess?

Seriously? Sweet!

Stryke is going to flip!

Little buddy.


What? No way am i putting this thing on.

Over my dead girl body.

Five, six, seven, eight, and reaching up into the sky. Chin up.

You gotta keep your chin up in life. And...

Five, six, seven, eight, and kick, two, three, four, and point, toes, toes, toes, like your life depends on it.

And reaching up into the sky, reach, reach, hold your toes as much as you can. It's really hard, it hurts me to watch.

And reaching over, and hold that hug, hug, and... huh.

Ellie?

What? I got chilly.

Freak just keeps getting freakier.

Right. No, it's not appropriate.

No. Here we go: Five, six, seven, eight, and reaching up to the sky like "what have I done with my life?" And kick, two, three, four.

Whoa!


Oh, what is that? It smells like someone boiled a cabbage in a sweat sock!

Yeah, stryke had the chili at lunch.

Dude! Heard you're gonna let me mow the flow!

That deserves a bropile!

Alright, alright.

Time to trim the fringe.

What?

Hey, it's Jack. Leave a message. Or don't.

I would kill you, Jack Malloy, but I can't live without you.

Hit me back.

I'm sorry, Jack, I just... I can't get yelled at right now.

Alright, sport, go grab your bucket and breezers, we'll fire you up

-a protein shake before tryouts. -Right, my...

Bucket and... breezer.. Breezers.

Ok.

So, can we talk about the phone again?

Oh yeah! You mean about the totem thing? Awesome! Let's break it down.

Oh, Ellie! I'm so glad we're on the same wavelength about this!

So let's say this totem had some kind of power over you.

What would you need to do to, like, un-power it?

Funny you should ask! 'Cause I did exactly that!

I deactivated your flip phone and got you a new one!

-Deactivated?! -Well, the switch won't be official until Sunday.

-Sunday?! -It seemed like perfect timing, because we're on the cusp of a harvest moon... -Harvest moon?

-And that's when the old data plan expires. -Expires?!

Sweetheart, your aura seems to have an echo.

Nooooooo!!!

My hair!

-Bro! -Babe? Now your aura is yelling.

Whoa.

The bros finally got ya, huh?

Now c'mon, suit up! Your dad wants you on the ice, man.

My dad? Oh, right.

Let's go, ladies!

"You either hack it, or you pack it!" The great santini.

That's Jack's dad? Poor Jack.

Poor me.

Dude. Sorry. I think i took your mouth guard.

What? I got germs or something?

It's not my mouth, it's not my mouth, it's not my mouth...

We're stopping? But there's this book i really need to read!

I told you last night, honey. Dr. Baker. For your team physical.

Say what now, lady?

Ok! Drills today, rest day tomorrow, and then scrimmage against varsity for the final tryouts on Sunday.

Show me what you got!


Ah!!

Ow!!

Hockey sticks, that's a slam shot to the puck!

Ah!!!

Oh, letter b.

Oh my gosh, dude, that is so cold.

Ok, Ellie, you can take the mask off now.

I just don't like looking at needles or other things that aren't technically my right to look at.

Ooh! Sorry.

You seem a little off.

Your mom told me about what's been going on.

I know dad leaving was rough. Losing a parent is so hard.

Who exactly was I looking at on that ice in there?

Uh, just little old me, sir.

Jack Malloy... sir.

It's my own fault. "Expecting is my greatest crime and disappointment is always my punishment." Author unknown.

-But not unwise. -Look, sir, I know I totally blew it today, but I'm really hoping I'm gonna be back to myself soon. Like, really soon.

I'm wondering if I should even tell you this or not, but I can't tell if putting more pressure on you is good or bad.

Well, like, 99% of child psychologists would say "bad".

We're dedicating a bleacher seat to your mother's memory on Sunday, since it's the one year anniversary of...

I would just rather avoid the irony of her son blowing his chance for varsity on the same day. You got me?

You cut your hair.

She always liked it long.

But good choice. Good choice.

It's better for us if we just keep moving forward.

I put the rejuvenating oils and the relaxing salts in the bath.

I also added some lavender bubble bath and some rose petals for tranquillity.

Lucky girl, you're gonna smell like a bouquet of roses! I am so jelly!

No way this dude's doin' bubbles.

Yo, Jacko! Your phone kept ringing so I answered it!

It's a giiiiiiirl.

-Hello? -Kinda afraid to ask, but... hockey tryouts?

-Kinda afraid to answer. -Aw, man.

I don't wanna ask about rhythmic practice, I'm not supposed to cry in your body, remember?

Ok, we just need to focus on solutions here, so listen:

"The ancients believed that bestowing emotional power onto an object made it a totem, with the ability

-to cast spells or Grant wishes." -Yeah, we get that.

Get to the deciphering part. You know, your mom's right. You are controlling.

-You've already had a girl talk with my mom about me? -Oh, not just with your mom, but with Dr. Baker, too. Thanks for the heads-up on that, by the way.

Oh my gosh, my physical! I completely forgot!

Don't worry. My mother taught me to be a gentleman.

I'm so sorry about your mom, Jack.

They're having a dedication for her on Sunday.

Oh. Cool.

And I'm sorry, too.

About everything with your dad...

-Leaving. -Thanks.

-Ok, awkward silence acknowledged. -And we're moving on.

"They believed the spell was binding unless a task or quest was undertaken to reverse it. Often the quest is inherent in the original wish."

So it is about our text wish, but I still don't know what the heck the quest would be.

-I think our quest's to make our lives less messed up. -What?

To make them better, I mean. Because that's what we texted.

That can't be it. I didn't wanna make your life better, i wanted mine to not reek!

Exactly! We wanted each others' lives to make our own lives better, but I think the totems knew that we'd have to help each other to do that.

Dude. I am just not down with totem logic.

Oh! I didn't realize you were on the phone. I'll just put your calming tea right here.

I'm pretty sure that this is it, so just tell me what i need to do to help you before the technology god shuts down my totem and we're stuck forever.

Ok, if we really need to de- stink each others' lives, then first thing I'm doing tomorrow is trying to get the phone contract extended.

And the first thing you're doing is getting Porter to delete that video.

Wait, but Porter's expecting my body, not yours!

-What if he freaks out? -Well, then, run. My body's way faster than his.

Huh. Never thought I'd go on my first date with hairy legs.

-Why aren't you doing your pre-bed core? -Exercise now?

-I'm just gonna finish up this phone call. -Oh yeah.

Uh, sir? It's super important that I communiqué right now.

No distractions. You'll get this back after tryouts on Sunday.

-Sunday?! -Sunday.

Ok, what's the worst thing that could happen?

He confiscated the totem and I have to start shopping for a prom dress?

Ah! Earthquake! Fire! What?

Whoo! 5am, jacky boy, let's go!

Let's get the undead ready for the day!

Let's go, early birds! Time to yank some worms!

Ugh. Yeah, still a boy.


-Hit all of them. -Ok.

Hope you're having fun, Jack.

Bro, no pressure, no diamonds!

Come on, man, I'm not going without you.

C'mon, Jacko, if you don't finish, we don't.

You can do this, ok? What did mom always say?

"A bro is the best friend you're ever gonna have", right? So come on!

Alright, let's see what this body can do.

Woo!

This testosterone stuff is ridonkulous!

Good warm-up. Three-miler back home for lower body.

Dead lifts, landmine reverse lunges, sled pushes.

"Legs feed the wolf." Herb Brooks.

-Yes, sir! -Yes, sir!

Wait. Warm-up?

Still a girl.

Ellie, I don't even wanna think about why you're hanging out with Jack Malloy.

Please tell me it's not because of a backstabby conscience?

Uh...

Aspen has her theories, but I say you were just trying to be my wingwoman, right?

Not swooping down on my fresh boykill like a lady vulture?

Oh, wait a minute. Look at you.

What was i even thinking?

Aspen must have just heard wrong. Phew!

Well, next time people are eavesdropping, could you please try to speak more clearly?

Oh, one last thing.

And I'm totes saying this for your own sake, El.

At Claire's tonight, could you just try to act like...

Just...

Don't be so... Ellie, ok?

Don't be so Ellie. Ok, that one I can promise.

Whoa. I know that smell.

Hey. Ready for banana bread?

You make banana bread, too? "Two slices of banana bread with a hug in the middle

-makes a love sandwich." -Aw, sweetie, that is such a cute saying.

Well, the bread's in the kitchen, but here's the hug!

Aw...

Uh, I gotta go do some stuff.

You are tense, babe.

Listen... I know that you're counting on your dad to be at tomorrow's meet, but I don't want you to be disappointed if he and...

Felicia can't make it. Hm?

Oh, and I have a surprise!

Mommy-daughter spa day!

-Yay... -Can't wait.

Hey, guys, I think I'm gonna skip the workout today.

I'm meeting someone for donuts.

-You're messing with us, right? -Your final tryout

-is in tomorrow's scrimmage! -Trust me, this donut is gonna help that cause way more than a few dead body lifts.

Bro!

-What are you doing?! -That's mom's closet!

I totally knew that! I wasn't trying to go out this door as if it was a real door.

It's obviously right there.

I was just checking to make sure everything is still here.

Soon as you made varsity, she'd 'a had a shirt made for you, too, bro.

Ooh, "queen for a day"!

Or "sweet baby girl deluxe"?

Uh, you choose. They both sound equally terrifying.

Hm?

Uh, terrifying...Ly awesome!

Mom? Do I got a sec to run an errand across the street?

Oh, there'll be time after. Queen for a day is actually only half a day long!

We'll be queens for the day.

Malloy? I had me a date with tracksuit, not with you!

Totally showing coach the video!

Wait, wait! I mean...

Can we just talk things out? Man to...

Me? Just let me try to make things better.

How? You gonna drop out so i get the last varsity spot?

Well, I'm open to hearing your feelings on the subject.

You rode all the way here on your funky scooter, you might as well get your donuts, right?

Well, ok. But I'm not giving you my freebie.

That's right, ladies first, Malloy.

Ah! Ha, ha, ha! Wait! No, no, stop! Lady, stop it! Stop it! Ok.

Ok, I'm good. Ah!!

Mercy! Mercy!

Whoaaaa...

So this is relaxation.

Ooh, that tingles. Is this another treatment?

Honey, you act like you've never had your legs waxed before.

Huh?

This has been going on for four years now.

First your stupid brothers, and now you wanna take my spot?

It's like the hatfields and mccoys except I'm not a hatfield and it's Malloy, not McCoy. But otherwise, -exactly the same. -Porter, question:

Do you really like hockey?

Do you really love to play, or do you just wanna be able

-to say you made the team? -What's the difference? -Ok, you could show the video to coach and maybe get a spot on varsity, but...

How's that gonna change your life? You gotta find out what makes your heart happy, and stop trying to be something or someone that you're not.

-But hockey's the only thing I'm good at. -Well, you have been trying to make the team for four years, so...

Oh. Right. Well, that stinks.

Guess I'm not good at anything, then.

My whole life is a lie!

Who even am I?

That's a pretty cool contraption. I want you to check something out.

Ok. I'll check out this stem club thingy, but if I don't like it, I'm taking you down, Malloy, down town, to video town.

Do you get it?

-'Cause of the video I took. -Yep, I got it. Fair enough.

Mack! I totally forgot that you're a science rock star!

That's so awesome. -You know me?

-What? Oh! Right. -You're Jack Malloy, aren't you?

Yes! Yes, I'm Jack Malloy.

All boy ever since I was born.


Not to be rude, mister, but I'm kinda in a rush.

How can we can extend this contract, like, right now?

Ugh!

Oh, don't worry, that's just algae.

See?

Alright, well, I'm sorry, i can't extend the plan.

It wasn't your mom who canceled it; It was your dad. Here, look.

They can't even extend the service for, like, a day?!

Why did my mom have to cancel it?!

No, it wasn't, uh, look, it's complicated, I'll explain later. You gotta gimme something else to do to make your life better. Besides getting body hair ripped out by the roots.

-Dude, I can't believe i thought you had it easier. -Hello! I told you!

Look, I really need you to go to Claire's party tonight and fix stuff with sassy.

She's my best friend and i cannot lose her right now.

-I need you to be a guy tonight. -What you talking 'bout?

Jack Malloy's cool and popular. So just be you being me, and sassy'll know that I can fit in, that I'm not a...

-Buzzkiller of uncoolness. -Is that what she thinks?

Why do you wanna be friends with this chick anyway?!

You asked me what would make my life better, so don't be judge-y.

A girl needs her bff.

Whoa! Gotta go!

-Thanks, mack. -No problem. -I had a lot of fun hanging out with you today. I honestly don't know why we didn't do this before.

I want it to be ash blond, not ashy blond.

-I need to look ultra-cool tonight. Like, ah-may-zing. -Yes, I understand.

No way, are you French?! I'm going to a Paris-themed

-party tonight! -I'm sure it will be very authentic.

Oh, mais oui! It's gonna be très chic! Well, except for my bestie's tragic ex-bff. This girl would wear gym shorts on the red carpet. She hasn't moved on since 5th grade's

"moving on"! Ellie dommage! -I'll get your color. I'll be right back.

-I am right back! -Oh! That was quick.

So, zis Ellie of tragedy...

She has been ex-bff'ed, you say?

Well, if she doesn't step up her game by tonight, she will be.

Which, b-t-dubs, is totally fine with me, 'cause I am from New York and we don't do third wheelationships. You know what I mean, big city sista?

Holla! Ew!

This is very relaxing.

-Hey, honey! Where did you go? -Mom, after the spa, can I get, like, a makeover and some new clothes?

I need to look ah-may-zing tonight for Claire's party.

Are you kidding me? You want something new? Let's do it, babe!

Cool.

Must be another leg waxer.

There's the mystery man!

I was worried about you, bromegranate juice.

You always Nancy out before a big game, but dude, I've never seen you like this before.

"Nancy out"? Oh, like nervous Nancy? So I stress out a lot?

Does a zamboni have 4-wheel drive?

Yeah, so I should help him myself relieve the stress.

-Maybe relax and goof around for a little while? -Don't bother convincing us you need to go to Owen's game night. Coach'll have you hitting hay by sunset.

-Game night? It's perfect! -Malloy!

It's alright, guys. I got this. I think.

You were right.

I found the answer to my heart's question: I'm an engineer!

Not like on a train. Like designing stuff.

Oh, that's awesome!

Is your scooter running on soda?

Pretty sick, huh? Hey, I owe you big time. Seriously. Call me for whatever.

It's gone, just like my confusion over life choices.

You did that for me, Malloy.

You did.

Did Porter Gibbs just give you a double back tap bro hug?

-Yes, he did. -Life's sure getting better for you, huh, Jacko?

Yes, it is.


Man, chicks know how to throw it down.

Hey, portster.

Ha! Science.

-Thanks, Porter. -It's the least I can do for the dude that helped align me with my infinite self.

Now go, shoot up some zombies with your... friends.

I got some friends too i gotta go, you know.

I have this one friend, he's at the grocery store. We're pretty tight.

He works there, but it's just... It's still cool, he's cool with it.

I got that going on tonight, -so I'm pretty busy, but... -Ok, ok. I get it.

Follow me, follow me.

Ok, it's probably gonna be weird for you at first.

Definitely gonna be weird for me. The politics of introducing someone into a friend group are extremely complicated, so let me try.

Jackpack, you made it! Oh, is Porter with you?

-Yes, but let me explain. -Cool. Pizza?

Yeah, don't mind if I do.

Wow! You look amazeadorable!

Ellie? Is that you?

What's with the extreme makeover?

I... uh...

Muh... muh... uh...

Um...

See, sass, I told you it wasn't a rumor.

It was a trumor! You don't think she un-ponytailed herself for us, do you?

-No, it was for him. -Ellie?

Deny it if it's not true!

You know how much he means to me!

Ever since, like, yesterday, he's been my number one choice for sophomore boyfriend! How could you?! -Wait!

Ok, let's let 'em talk. By the way, nice hat.

-Not cliché at all. -Oh, merci!

-So, are you gonna admit it? -I don't even get it!

Trumors, rumors... Can we just, like...

Can we just be cool?

So you want things to go back to the way they were before?

Like, pinball in my garage, sleepovers on Saturdays, and watching old vhs tapes?

-Yes! That! We good? -El, I'm just not into that stuff anymore.

We're sophomores now. You know, Aspen's right.

You're just not the kind of friend that's bestie for me anymore.

Hey, El. Let's go dance.


Yeah, take that!

Pass me another slice, dung brains?

Dudealude. You're eating carbs.

And grease. I haven't seen you like this in...

Well, I've never seen you like this.

Isn't that just wrong? Look, discipline is great, but sometimes a kid's gotta have some pizza and chips, know what I mean? So tonight I'll be doing no kettlebells, no deadlifts, and the only burpees I'm gonna be doing are these.

Nice.

Alright, man.

Gimme this.

Hey look, a perfume bar!

Awesome! Like, seriously? You get to make your own smell?

Man, this would totally cover the fart wars at my house.

You have fart wars at your house?

Yeah, you know, -me and my mom, fart-warring it up. -I love it.

I saw you were having some trouble talking to sassy back there, huh?

Yeah. Not that I get half of what they're saying. I mean, "trumors", "girl code"...

Yeah, that. Well, Aspen started this rumor that you're trying to steal Jack Malloy away from sassy.

Seriously? That's what they've been babbling about?

Well, guess what? He's not hers to steal!

Oh, good! I mean, i didn't think so.

Ok, you know what? I made a promise to... to me, that I would make things better with sassy. But what if "better" means without sassy?

I mean, there's more than one bff in the sea, right?

So I don't hang out and play video games, i don't eat pizza.

What else don't I do? You know, from your perspective as a friend.

Huh. Well, aside from standing up to the coach, which, let's face it, is not gonna happen, i guess the biggest thing would be...

-Well, you know. -Yeah, of course I know. I don't...

-I always... I... -You got no game.

I got no game! Wait. What? I'm this cool of a kid and i have trouble talking to girls?

Do all of you guys know i have trouble talking to girls?

-Yeah, bro. -Even I have better game than you.

And I got chronic halitosis.

Well, let's talk about this.

-What can I do to beat it? -I think I know how. -Really??

Well, spill, girl! I mean, spill about girls, mister.

Alright, well, the only people you ever have around you are...

Guys. Maybe you need to have, like, a girl who's a friend, before you ever have a girl...Friend. Maybe.

Bro, are your two initials y and y?

Because you are too wise, too wise, my friend.

-Blowing my mind. -I like this guy.

This is so boring.

"Joie de vivre" at a party with no boys?

Please. I'd get some "joie" if we could "leave" this horror show.

Quick, follow me.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, that's a good one.

I love it!

Look at that.

Oh, my god! Genius.

Hey, sassy, Aspen!

Take that down! You're ruining everything!

Hey, what are you two doing? You know you're being totally uncool.

Yeah, well, you would know "totally uncool", El, that's your specialty.

Oh, come on, Ellie, take a joke. It's funny.

Ok. You know who wouldn't think it's funny? Jack Malloy.

That's right. He and i are tight. Like, so-tight- i-know-his-thoughts, tight!

Like tighty-whitey tight!

-Ok, maybe not that. That's weird. -Yeah.

Wait. It's one thing for you to be going after him, but you're saying he's into you, too? This I gotta see.

I think it's time for a little excursion.

There's no way she's a 7, she's a 5 at most. But that new girl, Aspen? She's a 9

-verging on a 10. -Come on, it's so not cool to reduce girls to numbers.

What about sassy gayles? She's a total smoke show now!

Nah, she wears way too much makeup. And she's kind of a fake.

We grew up on the same street and she won't even talk to me anymore.

But what do you think about her friend? The one with the ponytail?

Tracksuit! Now we're talking.

Ellie, I think her name is.

I don't know, guys, there's something about her. She's real, ya know?

Plus she's so hot.

Dude, you been holding out on us?

No. Yes. I don't know.

Whoa! I'm like... kinda pretty.

Oh right, my hair.

Uh... looks awesome in the wind!

-What the heck is going on? -Kiss me.

-What?! -Shh! Oh, Jackie, you flirt!

Of course I'll walk to the bridge with you so we can be alone!

-Oh my gosh! -What are they doing?

What is going on with these two?

Ok, don't freak, but I kinda made everybody think that you liked me.

-Well, that I liked you. -What?! Why?!

-'Cause you told me to make you cool and popular! -Yeah, but only so I could get sassy back! Don't you get it? This is major girl code violation!

Girl code is just like bro code? But bros have your back!

-This girl is stabbing you in the back! -Ugh, you're such a guy!

Look, if we don't lock lips, everyone's gonna think you're a liar.

And if we do, I'm a traitor. Great! You had one job, to get my bff back, and you screwed it up!

This is hopeless! The last day of hockey tryouts are tomorrow and we're not gonna switch back!

-My life is over! -Aagh! I can't even look at my face right now!

Yeah? Well, I. Make. Me. Sick!

-Wait! El, you're leaving? -Yeah.

She's gotta get home before midnight, otherwise her dress is gonna turn back into a leotard!

Ok, normally I wouldn't call a girl out, but you know what? Come at me, gymnasty!

Uh-oh, girl fight! My money's on you, tracksuit.

-Thanks, porty. -Oh, Jack, don't do it.

-You deal with her, she's your ex-bff, not mine! -Ellie, don't be such a guy about this, ok?

You wanna be friends again like you asked before?

'K, we're friends. Good?

Are you kidding? You don't know anything about friendship, sassy. All it took was for someone shinier to come to town and you dropped El... me like yesterday's garbage.

You know, I guess i should thank Aspen.

It's because of her that you showed your true colors.

And speaking of true colors...

No!

"Freak just keeps getting freakier!"

-No, he's ruining everything! -Ellie, are you ok?

I've never seen you do something like that before.

Jack!

Jack Malloy! Where are you?

"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom!"

-Thomas Jefferson. -Seriously?

Don't do it.

Don't you do it.

What are you... No, no, no.

Boys don't cry!

It's allergies. Sand in my eyes, coach.

They don't cry.

You need to take a long look in the mirror and think hard about how you're gonna redeem yourself tomorrow.

Oh, you took stuff out of her closet.

That's all. Good night.

Oh hey, El-bell, how was the party?

Ok.

Seriously, Ellie, why sassy?

Come on, let's go.


Ah, she can't lose them both.

I'm such a doofus.

"Jack's goals.

Number one, make varsity.

Number two, play for Boston college.

Number three, get drafted by the NHL.

Number four, thank my mom when I win the Stanley cup.

Signed Jack Malloy.

Witnessed by Linda Malloy".


So, one more time. You made your phones into magic wands and shazamed your souls into each others' bodies?

Do I gotta burp "the pledge of allegiance" again to prove it?

I pledge allegiance.

Ok, ok, I'm convinced. And you're sure this is the way to get back?

It's the last way we can think of to make each others' lives better.

Do you really think we can get our bodies to cooperate?

It's in our muscles, believe me.

When I ran this morning i was able to tap into your body's power.

-You can do the same with mine. -I don't know. -Here, watch.

Ok then.

All I've gotta do is teach you the gymnastics routine, and you teach me the hockey rules!

Let's go.


Yep! I'm here. I got up early and didn't come from anywhere else!

Dude! You are nails, Jacko!

-Oh good, you're up! -I'm up!

-I'm definitely up! -Great! Your spirulina smoothie is almost ready.

I'll add a little ginseng.

Uh, have I mentioned how bizarre all this is?

Dude, I'm rockin' a leotard and body glitter. You don't have to tell me.

Is Ellie's dad here?

No-show.

Poor Ellie.

You know, if you wanna sneak over to the rink for your mom's ceremony.

-It's ok. I don't need to. -You sure? There's enough time.

I don't want to, ok? I'm sorry, I'm just... I just really need to focus. If we don't fulfill this quest by noon, -you'll have to ask me to the homecoming dance. -Better nail it.

I will, dork trap.

Ellie.

She just really loved the game. And not just 'cause her kids ruled the ice.

We miss you, mom.

And now your spirit will always be here.

Alright, ladies. As individuals we shine, but we are a team first and foremost.

By the end of the day, if we've done our job right, there'll be some weepy badminton players out there, alright? So let's kick some birdie!!

'Cause that's the little flying thing they use in badminton.

Let's kick some birdie! Like...

This is where you join me. Here we go. Let's kick some birdie!

Next, Ellie o'brien.

Ok, it's scrimmage against varsity, four on four.

Your body's got this. You're gonna get hit. You may go down.

-But the key is to recover, ok? -Got it.


Yeah!!

Yeah!

Welcome to varsity, Malloy!

Amazing, Ellie, you did it!

Your team's still a sport!

We dominated 'em! What about me?

Well, it wasn't pretty, but you can check number one off your list!

Varsity!

Ok... moment of truth...

It's 11:15, there's only 45 minutes left.

No! What happened? Why didn't it work?!

I dunno! Maybe we got attached to each others' totems?

Switch!

-There's gotta be something else! -What else could there be?

-We've tried everything! -We gotta tell the truth! We find my mom, tell her

-what's really going on and she'll extend the contract. -No, that's not gonna work.

Owen believed us, so she will too!

-We need that extra time! -Ellie! It wasn't her!

Your mom didn't pull the plug on your totem.

She was just covering for your dad. It was him.

He wanted...

A new family plan.

Why would he want a...

Oh.

For his new family.

Maybe you could try calling your dad and telling him the truth?

-Then maybe he can call the phone company and-- -he won't answer.

That's what he does when he's embarrassed about not showing up.

What are you doing here? Let's go.

Jack. I don't repeat myself.

I'm so sorry, Ellie.

Me too, Jack.


You happy with how you played today?

Uh, I made varsity, sir.

Yeah. Barely. And only because everyone else played worse.

Wow.

Do you know how that makes a kid feel, to hear that?

You see, that's your problem. If you can't handle the corners, if you can't be a man and be mentally tough, you open yourself up to weakness. Your emotions can step in and knock you to the ground.

That's it. Enough is enough.

You were outstanding today, love.

So, I think I know what's going on.

Doubt it.

Someone wasn't there today who should have been.

When someone who supported you and was there for you all those years is suddenly just gone.

-I really don't wanna talk about it. -You have to deal with the loss.

-I'm fine! -You're not fine.

You've been holding this inside forever, and your dad not showing up today is a chance for you to let it out.

Sometimes we miss people so much, we think it's beyond words, but it's not.

She always wanted to talk.

I miss her. I miss my mom.

-I miss her so much! -Oh, sweetie!

It's ok. I am right here. You never have to miss me.

I'll always be with you, even if I'm not right beside you.


What is wrong with you?!

Do you even love me at all?

Because I hate to break it to you, but this is not the way you treat the people you love!

Jack. This conversation is over.

No! No, you don't get to walk away anymore!

You hurt me.

You hurt me a lot, and you're just gonna have to stand there and deal!

I counted on my dad for everything.

To just be there for me.

Now I'm moving on, with or without a dad who loves me.

And boys can too cry!

They should every once in a while.


How do you feel now?

Better.

Whoa. I...

I feel better! Mom, i gotta run to the can!

Ok, I'll get the car!

Jack! Bro!

That was seriously gritty.

You got a lot off your brawny chest. How do you feel?

Better. I just... I really needed to say all that.

Gun! I feel better!

Awesome, bro.

Uh, listen, I'm gonna go for a celebratory run!

Knock yourself out, kid.


Just wait here, brah.

Hurry! Only one minute left!

Ready? Let's do this!


Hey, it's me! Look at you, varsity!

Oh! I love you, I love you! I promise I will never leave you again!

Hey, what am I wearing under here?

Uh, couple layers of clothing and a bathing suit underneath that.

-Weirdo. -Come on, let's go!

-Hey, where you going, tracksuit? -See you later, porty!

So, uh, you good to take me back, right?

Yeah, sure. But, dude, can you loosen your grip this time? I mean, we're buds and all, but a guy needs his space.

-Got it. -Ok.

Mom!

I really do feel better now.

I am so glad, babe.

-I'll buckle that. -Oh, mom? I got this.

From now on, you don't have to watch me so closely.

You can go out and grab a little life for yourself.

-I'm gonna be ok. -I know you are, honey.

Ah, home sweet home!

Hey, you ok, man? You had us all pretty worried.

I am so ok! Just happy to see your big ugly faces!

Jack?

Coach?

Dad. Call me dad, son.

-After what you said to me. -Whatever I said, I...

-It wasn't me. -Just listen.

Ever since your mom passed, I thought that to be tough with you was best, that any softness that I allowed in would open you up...

...open all of us up to all that pain from the past.

But... if that made you think, made any of you think, for even a moment, that I don't love you, then, I've done this all wrong.

I love all you boys more than you'll ever know.

You're right. Boys can cry.

C'mere, you guys.

That's an order.


Who, Jack? No, he's totally like a brother to me, honest.

But I think I know someone he might like like.

Hey.

Look, just because the team's official, doesn't mean that she has to come to the mall with us. Savvy?

-Anyway. -Oh, El, I'm sorry. I've been such a jerk.

We've had a great run as bffs, but I'm cool just keeping the memories and moving on, -if you are. -Ok.

-Hey, Jack. -Hey, MacKenzie.

-'Sup? -Want some donuts?

That one's my favorite. I had, like, five earlier.

Learning to share.

-On me, bud. -Jacko! -See you later.

Varsity boy!

Aw, I'm really gonna miss those guys.

Except for the bropiles and loogie hocking contests.

Not as much as I'm gonna miss your mom's banana bread. Oh, and that calming tea.

That's serious chillaxation.

Hey, dad? Do you know Ms. o'brien here?

Ellie says that she leads the best hot yoga class in town.

And mom, do you know coach Malloy? Jack says he makes awesome wheatgrass smoothie.

Well, I guess our reputations precede us. I'm summer.

I'm coa... Francis.

-Francis. -It's nice to meet you.

Do you usually... I mean, would you... as a matter of course... I drive a truck.

Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete!

My mom and me are gonna play checkers tonight.

It's gonna be a really fun time, you should come one time if you want. I like to invite people to things, but you don't have to. But if you want to, you can.

Get... get off my mat!

Which one of you guys isn't wearing deodorant?

-Stryker. -Dude, really.

You've seen that in movies. When a coach does that, the people, the team supports the coach, right?

I don't hang out and play video games, I don't eat pizza.

-Sorry. -What, did you drop it?

Dropped the dart.

Hey, El.