The Sweetest Thing (2002) Script

Christina Walters?

God, I haven't heard that name in ages.

You know the kind of woman who can get any guy she wants?

That's Christina Walters.

We dated, you know, briefly.

But, uh, she's not the commitment type.

She's a player. She just likes to have fun.

I met Christina at a bar. Hot piece of ass.

Totally hit it off. All night long we dance.

I buy her drinks. At the end of the night, she just splits.

I lay down all that groundwork for nothing.

She gave me her number. It's been like three days.

Hello, and welcome to aol moviefone.

I stay up nights trying to figure out why she said she'd call and didn't.

Maybe she wanted to call and that's why she said she was gonna call, but when she was--

¶ Christina ¶

¶ Christina ¶¶ you know, prolonged impotence is very common after a breakup.

Lots of men suffer from it.

They just don't talk about it, you know.

Not like me, gabbing away, gab, gab, gab, gab.

But even still, because she said she was gonna call, she should have called to say she wasn't gonna call.

Then I would have thanked her for calling to say she wasn't gonna call.

But hey, you know, at least I don't get that dizzy, head-spinning nausea as much as I used to.

Yeah, you know, like I said, I'm doing fine.

I am fan-fucking-tastic!

¶ This is my ¶ ¶ sexual revolution ¶

¶ sexual revolution ¶ ¶ sexual revolution ¶

¶ yeah ¶ ¶ sexual revolution ¶

¶ sexual revolution ¶

¶ everybody, shake it ¶

Christina! Valerie!

Shake it if you got it.

Miss Courtney.

Well, hello, miss Christina. How you doing? What you doing?

Dancing too much. How you doing? Same thing. How was your day?

Pretty good. I got a new account designing a campaign for a sports line.

Well, they got the right girl now, didn't they?

Ahh, thank you. So, what's up?

Oh, you know, the usual. Defending the rights of my brokenhearted clients...

And trying to squeeze every single penny out of their miserable, cheating spouses.

You go get 'em, woman. So, listen.

I think I'm just gonna order a pizza and stay in tonight. How does that sound?

Okay, but if we do that, you know what's gonna have to happen, huh?

Girl, I've been shaking my ass all the way up this hill.

Which track? Track three. Oh, yeah!

Coochie!

¶ A beautiful thing ¶ ¶ sexual revolution ¶

¶ a sexual revolution ¶ ¶ sexual revolution ¶¶

¶¶ is your granny here? What's going on?

It's Jane. She loves this song. Oh.

Hola, chica. What's up?

¶ Cherish is the word ¶ he dumps me. Kevin dumped me.

It was just three days before our one-year anniversary.

Oh, baby. You know what, maybe he just freaked out.

He is gonna call up tomorrow when he realizes what a huge mistake he made.

You know, he's probably just going through that-- no!

He says he's been wanting this for six months. He says he's been dying inside...

¶¶ ever since I brought over my garment bag.

Ouch. Honey.

What? You know, we're all guilty of it.

You made yourself too available. Yeah.

It's a classic mistake, sweetheart. Uh-uh.

Yeah. Not according to this.

What is this? Look. "Commandment four."

The ten commandments." Mm-hmm.

Thou shall be open to love's possibilities.

Boundaries are the enemy of love." Sweetie.

Look it. You know what? This book... Is relationship propaganda.

Listen to me.

Dating is all about boundaries.

Honey, you have to protect yourself.

We've all had our hearts stomped on one too many times because...

We went and served it to them on a big old platter.

A good defense is the best offense.

I am so tired of playing games.

Honey, you can't just throw yourself out there all exposed and vulnerable every time.

That is how you get smacked down. Do you understand?

Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right now.

And eventually, if he's worthy, then one day that "now" part is just going to...

Drop away... naturally, you know?

Meanwhile, you're just gonna have fun together.

Yeah, it's not so serious, you know. Shake it off a little bit.

Speaking of fun, we are gonna take you out.

What? Oh, yes.

We are taking you out. You are gonna have a good time.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No!

Oswaldo! Hello, Christina. Courtney.

Jane. Hello, Jane.

Welcome. Thank you.

Shut up!

¶¶


Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god!

Hey, hey. Look at shoulder, baby. Bounce it, baby.

Check it out, baby. Yeah! All right.

What's your name, baby?

We're gonna go now.

Bye-bye!

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chopping, chopping.

Oh, my god. It's like siegfried and Roy or something.

Martinis, ladies. Oh, thank you.

Compliments of the gentleman at the bar. Which one?

Whoa. Thank you, leather coat guy.

Cheers.

Hmm. Leather coat guy's looking kind of good, huh?

Yes, he is. Shotgun!

Cheater.

What's up?

Nothing. What's up with you?

Nothin'. What's up with you?

Nothing. What's up with you?

Nothin'.

You know, I am having the best time. Are you, sweetie?

My boyfriend just dumped me, I'm here at this club where no one wants to talk to me...

And I wanna go home. No!

No, Christina, I can't do this.

Yes, you can. It's really very easy.

Observe.

Ow! I just pinched his ass.

I'm sorry. Hi. Hi. What's your name?

Jane would love to dance. Hey.

Uh, Jane, I don't mean to be rude, but I have some friends who are waiting for me. ¶ dancing together ¶ nice to meet you, though. ¶ you and Jane magic's in the air ¶¶ oh, he hated me. I suck. You do not suck. That guy was a dick.

Look, I'm gonna make sure you have fun tonight if it's the last thing--

I'm sorry. What did you just call me?

Yeah.

You just called me a dick. I heard you. Why am I a dick?

Uh, well, because you-- I don't like the way you treated my friend.

Well, I didn't do anything to your friend. Well-- hi. - You barely gave her the time of day.

Uh, no. You tried to pawn me off on her and I didn't go for it. That makes me a dick?

Pawn you off? You should be so lucky to even talk to someone as hot and sweet as Jane.

- Well, excuse me. Hey, I wasn't suggesting that the two of you get married.

I just thought maybe you could get it on.

What? "Get it on?" I was trying to do you a favor.

You know nothing about me. What if I'm some psycho serial killer?

And what if Jane was the girl of your dreams? But you'll never know.

That is the sweetest thing.

Never thought I'd meet the girl of my dreams by having somebody grab me in a bar and say, "hey, you, man, I have good woman for you.

"She is very hot and sweet. She is there.

Jane, you dance for the man!" Wait.

Maybe that's your problem. Wait. What's my problem?

Maybe if you didn't play it so safe, Mr. Safety poo, hey.

You might actually meet a girl that you could have fun with.

And this brilliant love advice comes from someone who loves to play games with men, always in control, that way she never has to get too close.

Nice manners, by the way.

Where the hell did that guy-- Jane? Jane?

Nothin'. What's up with you?

I can't believe you grabbed his ass.

But he comes right into my face and he starts telling me all this stupid stuff...

About how I like to play games and always be in control so I never get too close.

What? it's just...

I've never seen you act like this before, that's all.

Act like what? They're fake.

All bah-jiggity about some guy.

You're calling me "bah-jiggity?" Yeah.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to stare. That's cool.

That's why I got 'em. I'm not bah-jiggity.

You are so bah-jiggity. They look real.

Oh, thank you. You can touch it if you want to.

No, no, no, no. Touch it. She likes it.

It's fine. Go ahead. Feels real, huh?

If I'm bah-jiggity about this guy Peter, it's only because you're telling me I am.

Oh, my god. What?

You've named the puppy. I did not.

You just called him Peter. I did?

Shelly, you've got to come over and feel these things.

I'm psychic and I just knew that his name was Peter. - Do you mind if I?

Knock your socks off. Okay.

So soft. Un-fucking-believable!

What did I tell you? That's why chicks always go to the bathroom together.

Chris, it's so obvious that you like this guy. Why are you being such a pussy about it?

Why are you making such a big deal out of it? If you haven't noticed, there's plenty of guys out there.

Mm-hmm. See ya later.

What's your problem? What's your problem?

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Peter. Huh?

Eric, hey. - Be right there, Christina.

You don't have to do this. I mean, it's--

I know, but I want to. I spilled your drink. Can I please buy you another one?

Okay. Listen, uh, I wanna apologize now.

I... shouldn't have been impolite to your friend.

And if I was, I didn't mean to be. It's just my brother is waiting for me.

I got nervous. I don't know. But i-- not that--

I mean, otherwise I'd be all over your friend.

I-- I'm the one who should apologize. I was rude.

No, you were protecting your friend. Anybody would have done that.

I thought that was sweet.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Jesus. So are we good now?

Yeah. Good.

Well, I should probably get back to my friends.

Okay.

Um, thanks for the drink.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Have a good night. You too.

¶¶

excuse me. Can you take this? I just totally struck out with this guy.

One more thing. Should I be upset my ex-girlfriend has her tongue down that guy's throat?

Oh, my god! Jane!

I guess I blew my chance, huh? Yeah, that could've been you.

Yeah, if I weren't such a dick.

A dick? Was I really a dick? Yeah, yeah.

Really? You were a dick.

Wow. Maybe we should start over again. Why don't I walk by, you grab me like you did before.

I didn't grab you. You totally grabbed me.

I did not. I pinched you. You grabbed me on the ass.

You grabbed-- okay. I don't grab.

Pete! Pete! Dude!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Dude, where you been? Everybody's waiting.

After-hours party back at the hotel. These two pigs are good to go.

Did I mention that we have the Freddie Mercury suite?

Hey! She puked on him!

Again! God, she's like a hose. Go help her, please.

Or not. All right, she's out. So, we're one short. Who's this chick?

No. No, no, no, no. Oh, she is hot. Bring her.

What? Fuck me, don't say no.

You have so much-- ow! You've gotta say yes. Let me tell you why.

You're never gonna find anyone better than my brother. He is the greatest.

Okay. Okay. And I am sure-- that hurts me.

Now, just-- just look at him. Chicks freak on this guy.

He is-- come on now. He is the shit.

- And that's why he's in my wedding on Saturday. Rog. Rog, no.

Yes. Just trying to help out. No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah-- bye.

Whoa! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Hey, listen, ladies. Big party, four seasons, room 402. You're invited.

Let's go, baby. Come on. You're out. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving. Are you following me? That's my brother.

Oh, he's special. Careful. That's puke. It's puke. Don't touch me.

Wow. So, when's the wedding?

Uh, Saturday afternoon up in somerset.

That's where we live. That's nice.

Peter, it's looking like now. Okay, okay.

You're pinching my arm skin.

Okay, I'd better go.

For real this time. Well, it was nice to meet you.

It was very nice to meet you. I had a great time. Yeah? Me too.

You should definitely come by the party if you want to. Really?

I really hope I see you. But in case I don't see you, have a nice life.

You too.

¶¶

Hey, Chris, it's court. So I'm at the party with leather coat guy.

And I was just checking in to see if you were listening to your messages.

'Cause if you are listening to your messages,

you are a loser. A los-- thanks, court.

I'm a big loser.

¶ What's up, you bitches and hos and losers ¶

¶ losers are-- ¶¶

Too late now.

Funny.

Really funny.

Cute boy.


Oh, my god. You're so good at that.

If you don't mind, I'd like to do that every hour on the hour for the rest of our lives.

Of course. Go right ahead. Thank you.

Don't worry about returning the favor. Men don't really like oral sex.

Yeah, right. I'm serious!

It's just a bad rumor that was started sometime in the '50s.

I had no idea. I need to tell all my friends.

Please, do. Someone needs to put an end to this madness.

Oh, god. I'm so glad I came back to the hotel room.

God. Me too.

I never thought I'd see you again.

Room service.

Oh, right on time.

Ice cream! Only the best for our v.I.P.S.

I had them remove all the calories for you.

Oh, you are good.

All right!

I know I said I wanted to do it to you every hour on the hour, but I really can't wait.

Can I do it again now?

Okay.

Wow.


San Francisco, California, please, for, um, four seasons hotel. Thanks.

Thank you.

Great dream.

Yes, hi.

Um, do you have a Freddie Mercury suite?

Oh, good. Can I have it? Thanks.

Really? Already?

Okay, have a great day. Thanks. Bye.

Well, what am I even calling for?

Hello?

Hey, court. Yeah.

¶¶

Hey. Hey. Stop talking shit about me, all right?

Well, where you been? Sorry I'm late, you guys. I don't even wanna talk about it.

You ready? I'm starving. Okay.

You know what? I'm just gonna meet you guys in there.

I have to drop something off at the dry cleaners. Can it wait? Please?

- I'm so hungry right now. Isn't that Courtney's dress that you borrowed last night?

Yeah. Why are you bringing it in?

No. I'm just trying to be a good girlfriend--

I'm really sorry.

You slut. Guilty. Is that what I think it is?

I will take it to the dry cleaners and it will be gone.

That's a lot. He was holdin' a lot.

I'm scared enough to go in there. What am I gonna say?

Mr. Martin, can you help me with my jizz?

You know what?

You guys... suck.

No, obviously, you suck. You.

You suck. Really, wow. I'm proud.

No spanky wanky.

No spanky wanky.


Hi, Jane. Hi, Mr. Martin.

How's your mother? Great. Oh, god, she's good. Everyone's good. Thank you.

Your grandmother? Everyone's great.

That's fine. That's fine. What you got for me today?

Oh, just a dress, but I'll be back for it in a few days. So no hurry.

Any stains? No.

This is gonna be a tough one.

Oh, wow, I didn't even notice that. I must've spilled some soda on me last night.

No, no, this is not soda. Think, Jane. Think!

If I know what it is, it's easier for me to remove.

Huh? - Come on.

Ah, the field trip. Come in, children. Come in.

Come in. Yes, yes, come in. Fuck!

Good afternoon, Mrs. Franklin. Hi, Mr. Martin.

Okay, now on today's field trip, we are going to learn about cleanliness.

Jane?

Hey. Jane burns!

Oh, sweetheart, I haven't seen you since I taught you...

In third grade!

-Top of the morning, Mr. Martin. -Hello, father Flynn.

As I live and breathe, isn't it?

It is little Mary Jane burns!

What a coincidence. I'm having supper with your parents tonight.

What a stain you got there, little Janie.

So, how was it? Was it fun?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. I can't believe I didn't tell you this.

Apparently, one of the guys who was at the party, like, flipped out.

Was out on the balcony and he was screaming at the top of his lungs, "Christina! Has anyone seen my little Christina?"

And then he jumps off the balcony and he dies because you're a pussy.

Why didn't you go? I don't know.

Then I don't know. I called him at the hotel this morning. Wait. Hold on.

Rewind for one second. You called him at the hotel?

Well, what did he say? Nothing. He said nothing.

Okay? Nothing.

Why? He checked out already.

Okay, let's just sum this up real quickly.

In the bathroom we hate him, yet we call him by name.

Then we throw beer on him.

Then we laugh and we flirt and we danced with him. It wasn't beer.

Then we casually call him at the hotel.

Then we obsess about the casual call. Obsess?

I'm not obsessing. I'm not obsessing. I'm just wondering, could all this erratic behavior possibly be...

That you might really like him? No.

You regret not going to this party because you will never know what might have happened?

No, okay? I don't regret it.

If I had any regrets, it would be this conversation now, having it with you.

Can we just drop it? Okay, I'm sorry I brought it up.

I won't mention it again.

You know, even if I did regret not going to the party, it's not like I can do anything about it now.

So, I mean, sometimes you just have to... Let these things go, right?

Exactly. Although,

Like you could show up at his brother's wedding, 'cause it is his brother.

Come on!

How much time we got? We've got like three hours before the rehearsal.

Hit the ball.

Oh, good shot.

Fore! I'm gonna shove that club up your ass, you dick licker!

What, are you up by like two now?

I guess. Well, listen. It doesn't get any better than this.

To the marriage. To the marriage.

To-to-to the bride. To the bride.

Yeah. To 50 years with the same woman.

That's really depressing.

Sorry.

Saggy tits.

Be able to use them as a belt by then.

Or just tuck 'em in her socks, you know. Okay.

God, this marriage is-is such a big leap, you know.

It's really intense, Pete. But if it's the right woman-- yeah, I guess.

Get up a little. Yes. Fore!

You motherfuckers! Stop bothering me!

You're driving right into 'em.

Hey, what about John? I hear he's still awol from that bachelor party.

He showed up last night. He's missing an eyebrow...

And he's got a tattoo on his ass that says "bitch."

Fore! I am not an animal!

Very good. Oh, hey, speaking of bitches.

What was going on with you that night at the club with that hottie?

Nothin'. I mean, Jesus!

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Yeah, you did. Don't lie to me. Hey, hey, hey.

Don't lie-- don't lie to darth, Luke.

I can see it in your eyes you liked her.

Nothin' I can do about it now.

Should have poked her in the whiskers when you had the chance.

What's that, gramps?

I met this hot young dish...

At the world's fair back in 1940.

Every moment with her was like a slice of heaven.

I bet you really miss grandma, huh?

Ah, fuck grandma.

Huh? It's Pearl I'm talkin' about.

She was the love of my life.

Don't ever let these moments pass you by.

Fuckin' grandma!

Would you be nice?

Come on, seven-six.

Fore!

¶ The lights are off again ¶

¶ she took me by surprise ¶

¶ she's so sensitive ¶

¶ it just should happen sometimes ¶¶ you suck!

Damn it. But you smell so minty fresh now.

What do you want? I need to borrow your black Gucci bag.

God-- here.

It's in the living room. Okay, well, I don't know where in the living room.

And I don't feel like looking for it, so let's go. No.

Will you help me find it, please? Come on, please?

Well, since I'm up now and you decided to torture me, I'll go and get it!

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my god. Excuse me.

Um, could you guys tell me where the bathroom is? It's behind you.

Over here? Oops.

Uh-- well, thanks.

Oh, my cock. Cock.

Oh, my cock. Oh, my cock. Oh, my cock.

Do you guys have any advil?

Oh!

Janie. He is so cute.

So stupid.

Oh, babe. Can I get that purse now, please?

Yes, you can get the purse. Okay. No, now.

Here's the purse.

Ah, thank you very much.

Where are you going? You and I are going to a wedding.

What wedding? Who's getting married?

We are going to Peter's brother's wedding.

Peter? Now listen.

This somerset place where they live is some small town...

P-Peter-- what?

Peter? I'm not going to Peter's brother's wedding.

What are you talking about? Yesterday you said you wanted to go.

So I went and, you know-- Courtney.

I was joking. Oh, no, you weren't.

Uh, yes, I was.

Fifty percent of what people say when they're joking is true.

Which means that you do wanna go to this wedding, but you're too afraid to admit it.

So by making some sort of joke about it, you get to say what you really want...

Without being vulnerable.

Right? Maybe.

Okay, good. The wedding starts at 5:00. I refuse to be late.

I want you to put some clothes on now. Thank you.

That was a nice one. Thanks.

¶ Trying all this new stuff trying to be fly ¶

¶ there she goes again slipping and sliding ¶¶

that's it. Once we get off the 140, uh-huh. We'll take the 95, get off on the somerset exit.

All right. Then we'll just drive around and we can find the church no problem. Ta-da!

Ew! What is that?

What is what? You don't smell that?

Smell what? I don't smell anything. Oh, Jesus!

You're used to it. That's what's really scary. I don't smell anything.

It smells like moldy ass is what it smells like in here.

Wait a minute. Come to think of it, I did leave some ass in the back.

You did. About a week ago, I did. It must be the ass. No, no.

Sit down, please. Jesus!

I'm sorry. You're gonna kill-- ow!

What are you doing? Jesus, Courtney.

- What is all this-- no, no, no, stop. Come on, please. Look, look.

Just-- just don't be throwing out anything I might need, okay?

Where is it coming from, Courtney? Where? I can still smell it.

Maybe it's you.

Did something crawl up your poonani? Hey.

Yeah, well, you know what? Neither have I, okay?

High five on the clean poonani. Bitch.

Oh. Ew. What?

Ew, ew, ew. What is this? What is what?

What is this? Oh! Jesus! I don't even know how long it's been in here.

What is in here?

No!

That is not okay! It isn't okay!

You are a disgusting, nasty pig. Do you understand? There was maggots on that--

Excuse me. I've got maggot juice all over me. There it is.

Oh, please.

Ladies room.

Someone's in here. Sorry.

It might be a while. How long?

Let me put it to you this way. I had lamb curry last night, and I'm shittin' out a buick.

Ew.

Was it absolutely vital for her to tell us that?

Oh, god! This is disgusting.

I feel like I have maggots all over me.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Don't move. Don't move.

Oh, stop it!

I'm gonna pee in my pants.

"There once was a man from bandoo who fell asleep in a canoe.

"He dreamed of Venus and played with his penis...

And woke up with a handful of... goo."

Wait! Don't make me laugh. Dude, I gotta aim.

Oh, god darn it. I think I peed on myself.

Hmm. "Follow the yellow brick road?"

God!

I'm following the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Buffy! You look like my old doggy Buffy.

Hello, girl. I haven't seen you in-- oh, my god! It's on my hands!

There's a good girl. What you got, little girl? Come on.

What you got? What's in your mouth?

Damn it! What you got in there?

What's in there? What's in your mouth? Crap!

What's in there? - Surprise!

Oh, Christina!

Goddamn it. How could you not know what a glory hole is?

Well, unlike my whore friend Courtney rockliffe, I don't usually spend much time in men's public bathrooms, okay?

Goddamn, that is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

I mean, I flew across that room.

And you got fucked in the eye.

I'm glad you find it so fucking amusing, okay? I really do.

Could you please have some compassion? I do. I do.

Because I could go blind, okay? No, you could not.

Yes, I could. Ow. All right, let me look at it, okay?

I mean, a penis in my eye. Wait, wait, wait.

Let me see. Let me see. Shh.

Okay. All right.

How is it? Is it okay? Yeah, it's okay.

But I think you're pregnant.

Would you please stop it already? All right.

Now I want you to redress the mannequins and check the sock inventory.

Come on, Jane. It's Saturday and nobody's here. And Mr. Mooney--

Mr. Mooney is off sailing with his boy toy which leaves me in charge of the store, so shoo.

Somebody needs to get some.

¶ La, la-la, la-la la-la ¶¶ ooh, there's my dirty girl.

Aah! No! No! No!

It's me, baby! It's me! It's me!

Why are you dressed like that?

It's my job. I work at a children's hospital.

Oh, hi. Hi.

You look so cute.

I'm horny. Me too.

-You're gonna laugh at this one. -What?

You know how I said I had to do, uh, laundry today?

It's 'cause I ran out of clean underwear, honey. I've only got the skanky ones left.

Tell me about it, dude. ¶¶ oh, my god. You are so unbelievable.

No way. Is that what I think it is?

Spring break, 1994, baby.

Turn it up. Oh, my god.

¶¶ ¶ like a worn-out recording ¶

¶ of a favorite song ¶

¶ so while she lay there sleeping ¶

¶ I read the paper in bed ¶

¶ and in the personal columns ¶

¶ there was this letter I read ¶

¶ if you like pina coladas ¶

¶ and getting caught in the rain ¶

¶ if you're not into yoga ¶

oh, my god. Brain. Jane!

You and I are so awesome together.

We're like two peas in a pod.

We're like oil and vinegar. Shut up.

Okay. I can't believe I'm fucking a purple elephant.

What do you mean, she's not here? We have customers, missy.

I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney. I'll go check upstairs.

God, I'm gone for one day, the place turns into Indonesia.

Oh, Jane. Oh, Jane. Jane?

Janie wanie. Janie wanie! Jane?

Oh, my god. Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine. What is going on?

Nothing. I'm just a little frantic.

I have a million things to do today. And I'm dizzy. I'm so dizzy.

Well, Mr. Mooney is downstairs and he is p-i-s-e-d.

"Pised?"

Where have you been? I was upstairs taking inventory.

Yeah, my aunt Fanny.

Ew.

Gallini's. Hello. Is Jane there?

Yes, she is. Have a lovely day.

Hello?

Janie! Janie!

Sorry, guys. I can't talk right now. I'm really busy.

We were just wondering--

¶ do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain ¶¶

- shit.

¶¶

Oh, shit. Shit. What?

I dropped the-the thingy to my lip gloss.

Could you get it for me, sweetie? I'll get it.

It's too far over. It's too far over. I'll get it.

Hold onto it. Keep steering. I'll keep going.

Yeah, it's right, I believe-- hmm?

Hoo!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, baby! Oh, yes.

Yes!

Oh, yeah, right there. No, that's not it.

Oh, you like that, dirty girl?

Whoo! Yes! Let me have some of that!

Oh, yes, don't stop. I'm not gonna stop.

Yes!

Shit.

Okay, I found it. Jesus, I almost got smothered down there.

Shit. Are you okay?

Huh? You good?

Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. Never better. Never better.

Let's get on the same page about what we're gonna say once we get to the wedding.

Walk up to him and be like, "Peter, is that you?

"Oh, my god. My friend Courtney, that hot babe over there, she and I went to college with the bride." It's unbelievable.

Do you believe that? No, I can believe that.

It's unbelievable. Freaky!

¶ But love is in the air ¶

¶ nothing could compare ¶

¶ what a waste to go and wave good-bye ¶

¶ love is in the air ¶

¶ what a perfect day to fly ¶

¶ nothing could compare ¶

¶ what a waste to go and wave good-bye ¶¶ afternoon. Okay, go.

Wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow! Oh, wow.

Miss Vera's has plenty to offer us, doesn't she? Yes, plenty of crap.

It's fabulous. We don't have time for this.

Okay, let's go. All right. Let's go.

Welcome to my store. Can I help you?

No, we were just browsing. We're okay. Thanks.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Bye. You don't like my store, do you?

No, no, that's not it at all. Oh, no, no.

- It's really a lovely store. We're looking for something-- a little bit more specific.

The next dress store is 20 miles from here.

Twenty miles away? Oh, shit.

We're gonna miss the wedding. Perfect. Judy webb's wedding?

I know all about it. I dressed half the guests.

You know, when I was 22, my "breastuses" were, like, right about there, nice and perky.

Gravity has taken them to there.

It's, like, 22... 28.

Twenty-two. Twenty-eight.

Twenty-two... twenty-eight. - Buy some new ones.

Okay, wait, but wait. This is-- j-- wait. No, no, no, no. Look it.

What is this? What is it? What is that? No, no, no. But what is that?

That, again, is... gravity. Hello. Hi. How are you?

Knock, knock. Are you decent? Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Thank you. You're going to love this. It's our latest line.

Oh, wow. If you need other sizes, just holler.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Vera.

Wow. Excellent. Thank you.

Oh, my, my, my, my. Jesus.

Look. That's nice.

Wait a minute.

Do we have time for a movie montage? Well, you know--

¶ shake it, shake it ¶

¶ shake your groove thing shake your groove thing yeah, yeah ¶

¶ show 'em how we do it, now ¶

¶ shake your groove thing shake your groove thing yeah, yeah ¶

¶ show 'em how we do it, now show 'em how we do it, now ¶

¶ let's show the world we can dance ¶

¶ bad enough to strut my stuff ¶

¶ the music gives us a chance ¶

¶ we do more out on the floor ¶

¶ groovin' loose or heart to heart ¶

¶ we put in motion every single part ¶

¶ funky sounds wall to wall ¶

¶ we're bumpin' booties havin' us a ball, y'all ¶

¶ shake your groove thing shake your groove thing yeah, yeah ¶

¶ show 'em how we do it, now ¶¶

there you go. Ohh.

Thank you so much. Bye. You both look sensational.

Thanks to your styling, Vera. Thank you. Thank you too.

Would you like to be on our mailing list? Sure.

Sure. Right here? Sure.

There. Just send it there. Oh, that's sweet.

Mm. It sure is. Thank you. Bye.

We've gotta go. You okay? Oh, shit! Oh, my god. I can't walk in this thing.

It's painful, like bondage. Little steps, little steps.

We don't have a lot of time.

Oh, my god! Oh!

Oh, my god! These...

Are the days of our lives. Are the days of our lives.

This is not discreet, okay? No, it isn't.

We are not gonna be able to walk into a wedding-- come on. It's very la toya.

I mean, really, look at all this--

I may as well strap a sign on my ass that says "stalker."

Okay? I am not going there wearing this outfit.

So can we please just go? Yes. Let's go. Let's go home.

Really? Yeah. I mean, we've driven for three and a half hours...

And everything, but, no, let's go.

Please. Please. I'm serious. Let's go. Really. Let's go.

Don't "reverse psychology" me right now, okay? I'm not.

Court, this is crazy, okay? This is really crazy. I know, I know, I know.

What the hell were we thinking? I just wish there was some sort of sign from god...

That you and this Peter donahue guy are supposed to be together.

Donahue? How do you know his last name is donahue?

Because you're sitting on his face.

Oh, my god, it's him! He's so cute. Yeah. I know. I know.

Cute? He's adorable! I know.

"Everything he touches turns to sold."

¶¶ church bells?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

All right. What do you think-- bride or groom's side?

I have to go to the bathroom, I think. Did you misplace your bladder?

Hi. Could you tell me where the restroom is? It's right outside.

Outside. Okay. God!

Oh, god.

Hello? Hell-oo?

I gotta pee, pee, pee, pee. Ohh! Oh, god! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I can't breathe. Really? Okay. Just breathe.

Stay calm. You're gonna be okay. Are you okay?

Okay, uh, you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. Water.

Okay.

Thank you. There you go. I'm just gonna leave you alone for a second.

Okay?

Judy? in a minute, dad!

Okay, okay.

I don't wanna go in the deep end. I don't wanna go in the deep end!

Uh-- flowers! Here.

I look like a magazine bride. No, you don't.

You look really beautiful. You're the perfect bride.

Why don't I feel good?

Well, I'm sure that you're just really nervous. It's a big day, right?

It's what every girl dreams of, but how do you know it's real?

I don't know. I can't answer that for you, really, but I'm sure the two of you are gonna be really happy together.

And if you're not, you know, you can always just get divorced.

Yeah! Yeah! See? It'll be okay.

Right. You're so right. So just get yourself together. You look smashing.

I look beautiful. You look amazing.

I look beautiful. I look beautiful. You do. Amazing.

Thank you. Now get off my dress. Oh, god. I'm sorry.

I'm getting married! Yea!

Hi.

¶¶

¶¶ I bet you miss grandma. Grandma?

Where is she?

¶¶

It's Jesus. Look! It's Jesus.

Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice.

Okay, boys, we're on.

Okay. All right? Okay. Yep.

Straight? Yep. Big moment.

You look nice too. Don't stress. Don't stress.

A little slap. Slap me. Okay. Yeah? Huh?

Don't be gay in god's house. Give me a hit. Thank you. All right.

Okay. Let's go. Let's do it.

¶¶ sh-shit.

¶¶

Oh, my god! Are you okay? I'm okay. I'm okay.

What are you doing? I got locked in.

Are you all right? Yeah. Fuck.

Ow. You okay?

Yeah, I'm good. I was stuck. We don't have to lie anymore.

Why? 'Cause I made friends with the bride.

Cool.

What? What? No, no, no. You cannot lock the door.

Don't knock down the door. Hello, hello, hello?

I'm trying.

Oh, please, god.

Ah, suki, suki! Ah, suki, suki.

¶¶ shh! It's already started. All right.

I bet you miss grandma.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... Hi.

To celebrate the holy matrimony...

Of Judith Katherine webb and Peter donahue.

Peter? Oof!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

It's Peter! Shit! - I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

She did it.

This-- this isn't the glickman bar mitzvah?

Is it? No? Moishe, are you here?

No? Good. Okay. Mazeltov. Come on, Sharon. Let's go. Mazeltov.

Christina? The hottie.

Shalom!

¶ Hey, hey, hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey ¶ that's the strangest thing I've ever seen. There are no Jews in somerset.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shall we proceed? Oh, sure.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Of Judith Katherine webb and Peter donahue.

Which is an honorable estate, instituted of god, signifying unto us the mystical union that is between Christ...

And--

Peter? Peter? - Saint--

Peter?

Yeah? I'm having reservations.

...and is commended-- about this. Really?

Shh, shh-shh-shh.

...st. Paul to be honorable... Me too. Really?

- Among all m-m-m-- yeah.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. ...All men, and therefore is not by any--

I mean, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. But I'm not in love with you.

...lightly. Anymore.

Oh, no. You're ruining it.

But-- we're still friends. Hey, hey!

I don't wanna get married. I don't wanna get married!

No-- no kiss. I haven't married you yet.

We're not getting married!

Miguel?

Ahh. Dad.

But we are having the party.

Exit in the back. It's to the left.

¶ Close your eyes why don't you give me your hand ¶

¶ do you feel my heart beating ¶ hi. How you doin'? I'm okay.

You okay? Yeah-- no, I'm okay.

You owe me 30,000 for this wedding. Daddy, please.

So you know what I'm thinking of doing? What's that?

I think I'm gonna cash in the honeymoon tickets, fly to Bali and go scuba diving.

I'm gonna rip your face off, pecker-head! Daddy, stop.

Sweetie? Yes?

I have a confession to make. You're a fuckin' dead man!

Dad.

I met someone. You met someone?

¶¶ his name is Ricky. I think he's really special. Fuck it! It's go time!

Court? Mm-hmm?

Refresh my memory. Was that Peter's wedding we walked in on?

Yeah.

That's what I thought. Yep.

I'm such an idiot. No, you're not.

I meet a guy for two minutes, and I'm chasing after him like he's something special.

Well, maybe you want someone special...

For once, you know?

Maybe you were thinkin' that you were tired...

Of the game.

You tired of the game?

Yep.

Let's go home.

Okay.

I can't believe this.

Please respond to 1151 kearney.

Oh, my god. - What's going on? Excuse me. Officer?

What's going on here? Twenty years, and I've never seen something so horrible.

What? Where? What is the emergency?

Apartment three. But that's my apartment.

Jane. Jane. Jane!

Poor girl never saw it coming.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Christ! I wouldn't go in there. It's not a pretty sight.

I live here. Jane! Excuse me.

Jane? Janie?

Janie? Oh, Jesus! Oh, my god!

Christina? Apparently they're stuck.

What do you mean? Janie, are you okay?

How are you stuck?

I have a piercing.

Ooh. I don't get it. How is she stuck?

Behind her tonsils. How the hell do you know that?

Listen, honey, I'm gonna just pull you really gently. Ohh, no.

Shh. I'm gonna pull, okay? Gently. - Be careful.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We've got the ambulance outside and the O.R. prepped for surgery. We have to get going.

No, no, no. Wait, wait. What? - She could sing.

You could sing. It relaxes the throat. Try. Right, right.

Try, try-- ¶ relax, don't do it when you wanna get to it ¶

¶ relax, don't do it when you wanna come ¶ stop it. You're gettin' me hard again.

It's-- it's the wrong song. Okay. - What? What?

¶ Stay awake ¶

¶ just to hear you breathin' ¶

¶ watch you smile while you are sleepin' ¶

¶ I could spend my life ¶

¶ in this sweet surrender ¶ come on, sweetie. Try.

¶ As every moment spent with you ¶

¶ is a moment I treasure ¶

¶ I don't wanna close my eyes ¶

¶ I don't wanna fall asleep ¶

¶ 'cause I'd miss you, baby ¶ ¶ and I don't wanna miss a thing ¶

¶ 'cause even when I dream of you ¶

¶ the sweetest dream will never do ¶

¶ I'd still miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing ¶

¶ I don't wanna close my eyes I don't wanna fall asleep ¶

¶ 'cause I'll miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing ¶

¶ even when I dream of you ¶ yes! Oh, Janie! Yes!

¶ The sweetest thing will never do ¶

¶ I still miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing ¶¶

¶ how do I live without you ¶

¶ I want to know ¶¶ what?

It was milli. It was vanilli.

Oh, whatever. No. Not "whatever."

So she says to him, "girl, you know it's true" changed my life.

It did, okay? I'm sorry. A tear-- just a sad little tear slowly--

oh, come on. What do you want from me? I was 16 years old.

Okay? I don't even know why I started talking to her in the second grade.

I swear, I don't. Because you thought I was the shit.

You are the shit. Shithead.

Oh, my god. What?

They found a donor for my patient. Okay. I gotta go. Sorry, guys.

You know what, Christina? It was great meeting you. It was nice to meet you, Greg.

Jane, it was great meeting you. Great meeting you.

-So sorry I have to run off. I'll make you Risotto tomorrow. -It's fine.

It's good. - Okay. Bye.

Okay, can I just say, that was so sweet? He's great.

Shut up, shut up, shut up. He's so sweet. He doesn't have piercings?

No.

Um, I don't know, actually, because, um, I haven't done that with him yet, so, you know-- oh, you really do like him. I don't wanna talk about it, 'cause I'm gonna jinx it, so-- ohh.

¶ And it's a strange condition ¶

¶ a day in prison ¶

¶ it's got me out of my head ¶

¶ and I don't know what I came here for ¶

¶ oh, I want you to know ¶


¶ It's a strange condition ¶

hey. ¶ it's got me out of my head and I don't know ¶¶ I closed on the mahalock house today. Great news for you.

You don't need to do a thing. What did they say about my aluminum siding?

No.

Really? Really. Be careful with those fat-free chips.

They cause anal leakage. You cause anal leakage.

It says so on the bag.

What-- what kind of marketing brainiac puts "anal leakage" on his product?

How can they even sell that crap?

What time's your flight? 9:30.

I can't believe you're going to Costa Rica.

You know, your female problems are completely over with. Hope so.

For five pesos-- no, no. Rog, rog.

They take your Chimichanga and your poquito-- - no, no, seсor. Seсor-- listen to me. No. No quiero.

All I'm sayin' is make nice with the concierge, okay?

Thank you so much. Where do you want it?

Just put her down right here, boys. Okeydokey.

Peter, since you're going away-- do you wanna be on our mailing list?

Yes, I would, ma'am. I'd love to. Thank you.

Pete, I've been trying to get us off that mailing list since 1982.

They caught her trying to escape.

That is so weird. I know. Very strange.

I know.

Hey. Hey.

Sweetie? Christina, what's going on? What happened?

You didn't want to eat the cookies? No, no, no, no.

Just read this. All right.

Thou shalt love what's possible."

Oh, Christina, honey, we've gone over this. Not that one.

You did not know the guy was gonna be getting married, all right?

It's all right. It just wasn't possible, sweetie. Not that one.

Yes. "Thou shalt not fear." What are you talking about, "fear"?

What you did was an incredibly brave thing.

You completely dropped all of your boundaries, and you met this guy halfway.

You met him more than halfway. You went to somerset. You guys, it was another game.

Come on. If he hadn't been getting married, what do you think I would've done?

Huh? That's right. Court, you know.

I would've done the same old thing. I would've hesitated.

I would've froze up.

I would've kissed him and then ran off.

Give him the wrong phone number.

Hook that fish and just throw him right back.

Jesus.

I'm stuck in a rut. Oh, sweetie.

A big, fat rut.

You guys, I don't wanna be that girl anymore.

I know. You know?

I know. None of us do.

Let's go dancing.

¶ You know, it's time ¶ so, any chance? Of what? No-ho. Don't even bother.

She's on a mission. ¶ you know, it's time ¶

¶ to give up on your mind ¶

¶¶ how's it shakin', ladies?

No, thank you. Your body is banging.

Your face is too. Neat-o. Thanks. Neat.

¶ It's time ¶ ¶ just come on ¶

¶ just give in ¶ what's goin' on, hot mama?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bringin' it down now.

Bringin' it up now. Oh, yeah.

Whoop, whoop! Yeah. Here it comes, baby.

Feel the monkey. Work the monkey, monkey, monk! The monkey, the monkey!

The monkey. Ooh-ooh, ah-ah.

The monkey, the monkey. Yeah. You workin' that monkey.

You're a good dancer. Thanks.

No. You are. You have some original moves. I've been workin' on 'em.

Have we met before? A couple times.

I'm Donny.

Hi. Christina.

It feels like sixteen candles.

I'd love to take you out sometime. Really?

Well, that's nice. I mean, give me your card. I'll call you sometime.

Thank you. You seem like a really nice person.

Yeah, work that monkey. I'll work on the monkey.

¶ When you feel it in your body you've found somebody ¶

¶ who makes you change your ways like hangin' with you, cool ¶

¶ so you act like you ready but you don't really know ¶

¶ and everything in your past you wanna let it go ¶

¶ I been there, done it ¶

¶ after all that this is what I found ¶

¶ nobody wants to be alone ¶ hey, Donny. Hi. Hey.

Hey, do you have a pen? You betcha.

¶ You got it you got it bad ¶ I'm a jerk, and I wanna apologize, because I did not plan on calling you.

I am gonna give you my number so that you can call me...

Because I found out something...

That was completely life-changing-- that it's okay to take a chance, you know?

It's okay to. Love is crazy, and that's what love is. It's taking a chance.

And my girlfriend Courtney and I went on this crazy ride and went for a guy.

I went across the state practically to find this guy that I don't even know.

And I don't even know you. But here I am, I'm having this conversation with you.

And I know that if I just take a chance-- maybe with you-- that, I don't know-- forget it. Uh, what's a guy gotta do to get laid?

¶ You got it you got it bad ¶

¶ hang your own phone up hang up and call right back ¶

¶ oh, you got it you got it bad ¶

¶ if you miss a date you're afraid your whole life's a drag ¶

¶ oh, you got it bad when you're stuck in the house ¶

¶ and you don't wanna have fun the more you think about it you got it bad ¶¶

¶¶ no problem. Okay. Here you go.

Um, Chris? Yeah?

Honey?

Uh-- wait. What?

Oh, my god.

What am I gonna do? I think you can handle this one on your own.

It's all good, girl. Shh.

Figure this one out. Figure it out. Okay.

Stop.

Christina.

What are you doing here?

That was all there was to it.

We had fun. We talked. That was it.

Right?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I didn't get married.

What do you mean? Judy and I, we called it off.

Well, I hope that thing that happened didn't have anything to do with it.

No, no, no, no. It had nothing to do with that.

Judy and I both realized we were doing the wrong thing.

I mean, two people should be in love.

She really liked you too. She thought you were great. Why were you at my wedding?

You know, it was just one of those sort of spontaneous things my girlfriend and I do.

Look, I came here tonight 'cause I wanted to see ya.

And I thought that maybe, uh-- well, that night that we met, I thought there was something, some feeling I had about us or--

I thought that maybe you might feel that way too.

Is this a mutual thing, or am I just-- this is not a mutual thing at all.

This is a very stupid thing. I am stupid. I should go. Wait, wait.

I really apologize for wasting your time, and I'm gonna jump off the golden gate bridge.

Thanks. See ya. I'm stupid. That's right.

In fact, that's it-- exactly what I wanted to-- to do.

That's, uh-- yes, yes. Gosh, it's going so well.

Yes.

I'm not gonna be afraid.

Peter?

Shit! Peter? Peter, wait!

Peter!

Peter?

Shit.

Hi.

Come on! Oh!

Are you okay?

Yes. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Look, I don't think I really handled that too well. No, listen.

I didn't handle it at all. I'm so sorry.

Look, I wanted to find you so I could tell you that-- what I couldn't tell you up there, which was that I did come to your wedding because I wanted to see you again.

Because the feeling is mutual, and you'd better be a really good kisser.


It's okay. You can try again.

Okay?

You were so much better in my dream. It's weird. Wh-- hold these.

I thought this was, like, mutual. Oh, my god.

No, I'm serious. Listen, I'll call you, okay?

What? Wait, wait.

Thanks for the flowers. Really nice touch. I'm out of practice.

I just woke up. Unbelievable!

Christina Walters. Yep, I know her.

Bitch. Made my life a living hell.

First she tries to pawn me off on her friend. Then she calls me a dick.

Then she hunts me down like a dog at my own wedding.

Then, when I try to apologize for everything, she's like, "I don't know you.

"You're one of hundreds. I have no feelings for you. Blah, blah, blah.

Wah, wah, wah. La, la, la, la, la, la, la."

Is that how I sounded? "Blah, blah, blah, blah"?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la. The movie is starting.

Let's go.

Who loves ya? Who's your daddy?

Fuck grandma. - ¶ when it's over ¶

¶ that's the time I fall in love again ¶

save yourself a buck.

- ¶ And when you go, go, go ¶ a girl that you lick.

Really? Yes. That you lick. A girl that I lick?

¶ I know it never ends ¶ ow, ow, ow. - ¶ all the things that I used to say ¶ are you all right?

Are you guys watching the credits now? - ¶ have gone out the window ¶

¶ All the things that she used to bring ¶

- ¶ all the songs that she used to sing ¶

¶ How do I live without-- ¶ yeah. Copy that.

Is that what you want, huh? Is that what you want?

- ¶ I know it never ends ¶ I think there's always time for a movie montage.

¶ It never ends ¶ ¶ all the things I used to say ¶

¶ all the words that got in the way ¶

¶ all the things that I used to know have gone out the window ¶ don't you like how sexy I am? - Oh!

Okay! I'm not gonna be afraid!

I'm not!

It's a very bad rumor. It's a rumor. I'm serious. Crap.

Action. ow.

You really got my ass there. Sorry.

No, it's good.

Cut.

I look beautiful. You look amazing.

I look beautiful. I look beautiful. You do. Amazing.

¶ When it's over ¶ Jesus!

- ¶ That's the time I fall in love again ¶ we can sit here all night.

I bet you miss grandma. Grandma!

¶ All the things that I used to say, all the words that got in the way ¶

¶ all the things that I used to know have gone out the window ¶

¶ all the things she used to bring, all the songs that she used to sing ¶

¶ all her favorite TV shows have gone out the window ¶

¶ all the things that I used to say, all the words that got in the way ¶ it's Jesus. Look. It's Jesus. - ¶ have gone out the window ¶

¶ all the things that she used to bring ¶¶ so I guess...

A blow job's out of the question?

Oh, that is the sweetest thing. Bye!

Cut!

Well, that was fun.

¶ Close your eyes ¶

¶ why don't you give me your hand ¶

¶ do you feel my heart beatin' ¶

¶ do you understand ¶

¶ baby, do you feel the same ¶

¶ or is this burnin' ¶ ¶ burnin' ¶

¶ an eternal flame ¶

¶ say my name ¶ ¶ say my name ¶

¶ the sun shines through the rain ¶

¶ I don't wanna lose this feeling ¶

¶ ohh ¶ guitar.

How about the band?

Beautiful on the bass.

¶ Burnin' ¶

¶ close your eyes ¶

¶ and give me your hand, baby ¶

¶ do you feel my heart beating ¶

¶ do you understand ¶

¶ do you feel the same ¶

¶ am I only dreaming ¶

¶ or is this burning ¶