The Swimmer (1968) Script

Where've you been keeping yourself? Here and there. Here and there.

So it's not because our service is bad, huh?

What a day!

You ever see such a glorious day?

Come on, say hello to Helen.

You old son of a gun. It's wonderful to see you again. You look great.

Well, so do you.

Well, a little green around the edges. I drank too much last night.

I don't believe it. Neddy!

I don't believe it. Neddy!

How beautiful are thy feet in sandals, O princess daughter.

I bet you drank too much last night.

Isn't he a sight for sore eyes? Oh, Neddy, we missed you.

Sit down and tell us everything.

Where are you coming from? I was around.

I thought I'd come over and have a swim with you. Look at that water.

And look at that sky. You look at it.

I think everybody drank too much last night.

It was that rum, I drank too much of that.

Whose party? Our own.

You didn't miss a thing. Usual Saturday night blowout.

Same jokes, same faces, we've known each other so long there's no flirting.

I'd have flirted with you. You're practically a new face.

How are things? Have a good summer? Sure, just great.

Come on, how about a swim?

Good for your hangover.

What makes you think I'm hung-over?

Come on, I'll race you. Please, no.

How about you? You kidding?

Relax, Neddy. Have a drink. Come on.

Sit and tell us what you've learned. Ned!

Stu Forsburgh!

Stu Forsburgh!

Ned Merrill! How are you, sport? Okay, never better.

God, I'm glad to see you. What are you doing here?

We stopped over. We've been in the Cape.

How's Lucinda? She's great.

And the girls?

All grown up. And beautiful, Stu. Just beautiful.

I don't know how you do it! You haven't changed a bit.

Where did you get this? Why do you got all these clothes on?

We have to go catch a plane.

You're gonna catch a plane? Gotta get back to the shop.

You know how long it's been since we had a swim together?

Please don't remind me. What'll you have, Stu?

We're all old bunkmates. We went to the same camp when we were kids.

Gee, I don't know. I drank too much last night.

A diluted martini? I'm out of practice...

...with your kind of parties.

We don't do that in Columbus, unless it's New Year's Eve.

I told you not to accept the transfer. What else could I do?

I'd have quit before I let them send me to the provinces.

Well, it's healthy.

Stu, did you pack...?

Don't tell me that's Ned Merrill down there.

Hi, honeybunch, come join the party. Half a minute.

Stu, I didn't realize how much I missed that ugly old mug of yours.

Get out of those clothes and we'll have one quick swim.

I'm not up to it. I'm feeling my age. You're a year younger than I am.

Yeah, you were always pulling seniority on me at camp.

Remember how we'd take off our suits and swim for miles?

We just never got tired. Yeah.

We had nice, new, pink lungs in those days.

And the water up there, remember? That transparent light-green water.

It felt different. A beautiful feeling. We could've swum around the world.

That was before we ever touched a drink or a cigarette.

Or a girl! Or a girl.

That doesn't sap a man's strength.

Or I'd be in a wheelchair today. Ned Merrill!

Peggy. Ned Merrill, still bragging.

I've heard those old schoolboy stories. You all made them up.

So you figured that one out, have you? Let me look at you.

Let's settle this nonsense about taking a plane.

Settle it with him. I like it here. Lucinda'll be disappointed as hell.

I don't think that's exactly true.

I could run you to our house. To say hello.

Don, how about using your car? Well, sure, but...

They haven't time. We promised to stop at the Grahams' for a quick drink.

Will you come? Of course he will.

You haven't seen their pool, have you? Whose?

The Grahams. The Grahams put in a pool?

Oh, yeah. They nurse it like a baby.

When did they put in a pool? June.

June? Did you get the suits off the line?

I forgot about them.

If they're damp, I have some plastic bags.

Do the Biswangers have a pool?

Biswangers? Those awful people on Red Coat Road.

Always talking about their Caribbean cruises and electric toothbrushes.

Sure, they have a big pool.

Go on, honey, finish packing. I will, in a minute.

Listen, if we miss that plane...

Don't worry, I'll get you to the airport.

My God, I forgot all about them.

Go on, honey, finish packing.

If we miss that plane... I will, in a minute.

I could do it. I could really do it!

Do what, Neddy?

Now with the Grahams'...

...there's a string of pools that curves clear across the county to our house.

Well, look, the Grahams', the Lears', the Bunkers'. Then over the ridge.

A portage through the riding ring, to the Hallorans' and the Gilmartins'.

Then down the lane to the Biswangers' and then...

Wait, who's next? I can't think. I had it a minute ago. Who is it?

Who is it? Who's next to the Biswangers'?

Shirley Abbott. Shirley Abbott.

Across Route 424 to the recreation centre pool, up the hill and I'm home.

Don't you see? I just figured it out. If I take a dogleg to the southwest...

...I can swim home.

Come on, Ned.

Why would you want to swim home? I don't get it.

Pool by pool, they form a river all the way to our house.

I suppose you could put it that way. Now, Neddy, why don't you sit down...

...and have a drink and then we'll all go to the Grahams'?

I'll call it the Lucinda River, after my wife.

That's quite a tribute.

This is the day Ned Merrill swims across the county.

Always threw himself in the water like that. God, what energy!

He keeps himself in shape.

Come on. He always ate like a horse, never put on an ounce.

Look at that. Wouldn't use the ladder. Hey, Ned! Where are you going?

Where'd he get that nutty idea?

He's just joking. You sure?

Sure. We'll find him waiting for us at the Grahams'.

God, I hate Columbus.

Swim to his house. Why would he wanna do that?

Neddy, Neddy! It's been so long.

You look wonderful. So do you.

I'm going on a diet a week from Thursday.

Where were you? Don and Helen's.

Where are they all? They're all coming over, aren't they?

Why didn't they come with you? They're driving down.

What do you think? Terrific. Absolutely terrific.

It cost a bundle, but Howie's had a marvellous year.

Look how clear the water is. Wow!

We got the best filter money can buy.

It filters 99.99.99 percent of all solid matter out of the water.

Really? We put a 6-inch lint filter in too.

The way we take care of this pool, the water's purer than drinking water.

What'll you have? Scoop me a glass of that.

Don't be silly. Want a martini? No, nothing, thanks.

I'll swim and be on my way. You will not. You just got here.

I can't stay. I want to try out your pool.

That's unfriendly. What's the rush? Okay, but make it a little one.

Next summer we're gonna build a pool house.

With dressing rooms and showers and a little playroom and a big bar.

Make a swell layout. Cheers.

You never thought he'd make it, did you?


When we were kids and I first started dating Howard... weren't very nice to him. I wasn't, why?

Remember he kept track of every penny he saved and spent in a notebook.

You thought that was very amusing.

I was jealous.

Of Howard?

I was crazy about you.

Well, you never said anything.

You were having an affair with Lucinda. Why'd I get smashed at your wedding?

Because Lucinda was dancing with Roger Bunker.

What a long memory you got, grandma.

No kidding though. You've got a gorgeous pool.

I've got everything I ever wanted.

Funny how things turn out, isn't it?

Hey, Ned! Howard.

How are you, Ned? Fine, fine.

Of all people.

How do you like my new toy?

Next year we're getting all the optionals.

Like a padded seat, a canopy.

She's idling a bit slow.


It's not supposed to be a racing engine.

What's he doing? He's fixing it.

It's okay now. I'll get you a drink.

It's a great pool. Yeah.

Ned's just crazy about our pool.

I didn't skimp on it.

I got a diatomaceous earth filter. Betty told me.

Filters out 99.99.99 percent...

...of all solid matter. That's what Betty said.

She tell you about the swing joints I got in there?

Spingon's pool split down the middle three months after the guarantee.

No swing joints. Ned doesn't know the Spingons.

Let me tell you about them.

They're the kind of people who skimp. Just look at the colour of that sky.

I don't like the look of that cloud.

It's beautiful.

Like a dream city from the bow of a ship. Lisbon, Naples, Istanbul.


I'd like to see all those glistening white domes and minarets.

First chance I get to get away, I'll go sailing around the Golden Horn.

Why can't we travel more?

What for? We've got everything we want right here.

How come you never put a pool in? Never got around to it.

That's too bad. Helps the resale value.

I don't have to worry about the resale value.

With a tennis court and the planting, you'll get a lot more than you paid.

If I ever sell it.

Right buyer has to come along. I want my girls to be married there.

Won't be long now. Our driveway looked like a parking lot today.

Boys all over the place.

Hey, anybody home?

That must be Don and Helen with the Forsburghs. Neddy, don't go away.

Hi, Betty. So long, Ned.

Is Ned here?

Mrs. Hammar, how are you? May I ask what you're doing here?

On my way home, I thought I'd cool off.

Who gave you permission to use the pool?

I'm Ned Merrill. Beautiful flowers.

I see Eric's put in the rock garden.

You're not welcome here. You know me, don't you?

I'm a friend of your son. A friend.

How dare you use that word! You never came to see him.

You never even called him at the hospital.

Well, how is he? Is he better?

Just one minute, Mr. Merrill.

This is my house now.

Don't you ever come here again.

Don't you ever set foot on my property again!

Hi, Mr. Merrill.

Hi, Muffie. Mommy and Daddy are at the club.

Think they'd mind if I swim? Of course not, help yourself.

It isn't Julie Ann Hooper? Yes, it is.

I can't believe it. You're all grown up.

How come we never see you? I guess you don't need me anymore.

We're always looking for a babysitter.

Oh, Mr. Merrill!

How about Sunday night? You busy? No.

Hired. You live in the same place?

Yes, but... I'll pick you up at 7.

You're putting me on. No, I'm not.

A babysitter! Ellen and Aggie would have a fit if they heard you.

Mr. Merrill, this is my brother, Vernon.

Your brother? But your brother was...

I sure liked that little red Jaguar you used to have.

Want a Coke? Sure.

Thanks. I can't get over you, Julie. How old are you now?

Twenty last month. You still going to school?

I've got a job. I miss Ellen and Aggie.

Where are they? They're home.

Playing tennis. They are? But when did they...?

Why didn't they call me?

I'd just love to see them. Let's drive over.

Well, I've got to be on my way.

I'm swimming home. You're swimming home?

There's a river of pools all the way to my house.

That's more hiking than swimming. Not hiking. Portaging.

It's okay, if you like exercise. What a crazy idea.

I think it's brilliant. From here I go to the Bunkers'.

I'll portage through the riding ring to the Hallorans'.

Got it all mapped out. What are you doing it for?

Why do you want to? I think it's original.

As if he's an explorer or something.

I mean, I think it's an adventure.

Come with me.

Well, gee, I... Come on, live a little.

I don't know if...

We'll explore the torrential headwaters of the Lucinda River.

All right, I will.

Ready! Go!

It's funny. What?

Marigolds. This time of the year. They're all over.

Well, they usually bloom later. They're lovely. I love the colours.

Mr. Merrill?

What did you mean before? All that about my coming to babysit.

Coming over to babysit? I was just joking. I was teasing you.

Gee, I wondered.

You used to be such a shy little kid.

You always brought schoolbooks. You always dropped pencils and things.

And you never had a word to say.

I thought plenty, though. About what?

Oh, daydreamed. What about?

Lots of things. What sort of things?

It's so silly, it was such kid stuff. Come on, tell me.

I bet you never knew I had a big crush on you.

You did?

I was mad about you, out of my head! You were?

If Mrs. Merrill called me to babysit, even at the last minute...

...I'd cancel out whoever I promised and come to your house instead.

You must have lost a lot of customers.

I'd spend an hour getting myself fixed up. My mother thought I was nuts.

I mean, I was just a kid to you, but you were a god to me.

Now you're putting me on. Know what I'd do as the girls slept?

I'd go up to your room and open your closet and touch your suits.

Then I'd go into your bathroom and smell your shaving lotion. One time...

This is a terrible thing to admit. Tell me.

I stole one of your shirts.

Then when I was doing my homework up in my room, I'd put it on.

It made me feel as if you were all around me.

Julie, I didn't know.

And when you'd drive me home at night, I'd pretend like mad.

Pretend what? What was it you used to pretend?

I... After all, I was just a child in those days.

I want to know.

That you were desperately in love with me.

You were too honourable to say so, because you were married.

So I had to go to Paris. You know, put an ocean between us.

And no matter how many divine Frenchmen begged me, I'd never marry.

I'd just live there, all pale and mysterious, huge tragic artist.

And then one night, I'd be in some club.

A fabulous Paris gown. I'd see you at the door.

Tall, distinguished, a little grey at the temples.

I pretended your eyes would burn into me across this room.

Suddenly, there'd be a hush. And everyone would look at me.

And then I'd just stand up and float towards you.

And then what? That's all.

Julie, I don't know what to say. I told you. I was a real spooky kid.

The Bunkers must be having a party.

How bonny are the banks of the Lucinda River.

I knew we'd find friends all along the way.


Enid. This is Julie Ann Hooper, our babysitter.

I lost her for a while. But I found her again.

How fortunate for you, darling.

What a lovely dress. You look ravishing.

Ned, what a treat to have you here.

I see Roger's the life of the party as usual.

He started all by himself at brunch. I guess it caught up with him.

Neddy, tell me everything. I want to know all about you.


Look who's there! Get yourself a drink.

We'll have one quick one to appease the natives.

Neddy! Hi, honeybunch.

To think I nearly didn't get here. Ned, you old fossil. How are you?

Great. Just great.

Ned! My God, it's been a dog's age. Rusty.

Let's have a game of golf. Soon. Darling!

Is it undiplomatic to ask of Lucinda? She's great. And bring your money.

Neddy! Neddy, darling. I'm John.

We want to see you. Lucinda will call. How you doing?

Great, great.

My God, Neddy Merrill. Freddy Preston.

Marvellous to see you. We missed you. I expected you'd be on Xanadu.

I'll have to call Willie. Good show.

Mr. Merrill. Hi, Stanley. How's Inez?

She'll be glad to see you. She's my girl.

Yes, sir. What may I get you? Dom Perignon. That's for us.

Yes, sir.

Ever drink champagne? Once at a birthday party.

A boy drank it out of my slipper.

Here's to sugar on our strawberries.

Ned, my God. Brian. How are you, Brian?

I feel rotten I didn't call.

I've been so damn busy. I don't know where the time goes.

Let's have lunch this week. Okay.

I wanted to tell you. That was a stinking thing to do.

What they pulled at your place. What's that?

Well, now I don't care how big a firecracker this new guy was.

Well, brother, that story really jolted me.

I thought, what if a young smart-ass comes to our shop and does that?

Let's hear from you, huh? Ring me at the office.

Beautiful Cynthia.

Neddy. Darling! Hi, where's Carter?

Well, haven't you heard? We've separated.

This is Julie Ann Hooper, our babysitter.

Run along to your babies, dear. She's with me.

We're swimming across the county. How healthy and young of you.

Now, who else could wear a dress like this?

Why don't you come over tonight for dinner?

I'd love to.

If Lucinda hasn't made a date.

Lucinda! Well, congratulations.

Ned. Denny boy!

Why not leave some phone numbers? I've tried to reach you.

I've heard of an opening.

Perfect for you. Your experience.

Small place, but these two guys are creative.

Say hello to Julie Ann. Hello.

They have a reputation for originality. Approach them right, take a cut.

Take a cut?

Now, look here, Ned. You don't have to pretend with me.

Set! Go!

Did you hurt yourself?

It's nothing. Bad takeoff.

Let's go and sit down somewhere.

Does it hurt? No, it's all right.

What sort of a job do you have?

Secretary. We're the largest office supply company in New York.

I've never run into you on the train. I take the 7:22.

I'm first in, so I make the coffee. A friendly office?

Two girls want to get an apartment after our raises.

Watch out, it's a big wicked city. I know. I've had some experiences.

Like what? Well... morning I was making coffee and looked out the window.

There's an apartment building across the court.

This man was standing in his window, looking at me. He was stark naked.

That's terrible. I just stood there looking at him.

You ought to report that to somebody.

He's never been there again. I check every morning.

There's a lot of nuts around.

Another time, my boss sent me to deliver some record books.

I got into an elevator and pressed 26. Then a man got in and he pressed 27.

The door closed and the elevator started up.

This man came right over and kissed me on the mouth.

What'd you do? I dropped the books.

Then what happened?

He picked them up, gave them to me.

The door opened on the 26th floor, and I got out.

Can you imagine? A building on Park Avenue?

That belly is like a heap of wheat.

Fenced about with lilies.

That's from the Bible, isn't it?

Song of Solomon.

As a little girl in Sunday school, they never mentioned that part.

You still are a little girl in Sunday school.

You know, Julie, I've been thinking.

I could...

I could meet you in the morning and take you to your office.

If you had to go out on an errand, call me and I'd go with you.

I'd pick you up every day at noon and we'd have lunch.

That's what I'll do, Julie. I'll take care of you.

Well, gee, Mr. Merrill, I...

I don't think that would work out too well.

I have a boyfriend. He's a very jealous type.

If I just look at anybody else, he has a fit.

He's a very high-strung person. He has so many problems!

What sort of problems?

His mother. He says she's a very sensuous woman.

He says she has lovers.

He's not even 100-percent sure he's legitimate.

He's taking it out on the whole United States.

Where did you meet this boy? Through a computer.

A computer? Yeah, it's a joke.

All the kids are doing it. You fill out this questionnaire, send in $3...

...and they send you the phone numbers of three ideal mates.

He was the first one I called.

How'd you meet Mrs. Merrill?


On a boat, going to Europe one summer.

I was with a bunch of students down in steerage.

I sneaked up to the first-class salon, and there she was.

How romantic and old-fashioned.

Now, wait a minute. It wasn't that long ago.

Well, it sounds so much more passionate than a computer.

That shirt of mine, Julie. Do you still have it?


Well, after a while, I...

I decided it was just a shirt.

You had so many shirts, I didn't think you'd miss it or anything.

Do you mind?

No, but I wish...

I wish you'd told me how you felt.

I couldn't.

I would have died.

There's so little love in the world.

When it's kept a secret, it's wasted, see?

You're very precious to me.

I won't let you ever get scared or hurt.

If there's anything you want, come to me.

I'll be your guardian angel. Mr. Merrill, I...


Julie! Julie!

Hi, Steve.

Well, you're not Steve. No.

How are you, Mr. Merrill?

I'm a friend of the Hallorans. I know.

Mind if I ride up with you? Not at all.

Don't bother.

Thank you.

How long you been driving for the Hallorans?

Going on a couple of years now.

What happened to Steve? I'm afraid I don't know.

Man, what a character. Did he mangle the English language!

We told him he should be on television.

Big bass voice, you should've heard that guy sing.

And a natural sense of rhythm? Yeah, that's right.

I'll take them the paper. Thank you.

Thank you for the lift.

And my apologies. I don't know why I thought you were Steve.

That's okay.

Hello? Oh, hello, honey.

Tell her to hurry. They'll miss the sun.

She refuses to bring the children unless we put on our suits.

After the way we raised her? What's the matter with her?

After the way we raised you? What's the matter with you, honey?

She says they're her children, and she'll raise them her way.

They'll end up repressed. Mummy says they'll end up repressed.

She's not going to bring the children.

Good heavens! It's Neddy Merrill.

I wonder if he's come to ask us again. He'll get the same answer.

Oh, dear. It seems a little mean. He's not going to get a penny.

Couldn't we help him a little?

For old times' sake? After all, he's a friend.

Friends are not deductible.

Hello, Neddy dear! How are you, my boy?

I'm swimming across the county. I didn't know one could.

I met your new chauffeur. Nice boy. Sense of personal worth.

I got a lot of laughs out of Steve. Steve had no sense of personal worth.

What does it say?

"At the zoning board meeting, local property owners objected... the Halloran proposal on the basis it would overcrowd public schools."

We petitioned to cut the Driscoll estate into two-acre lots, instead of five.

They're practically calling us communists.

Sticks and stones, sticks and stones. It'll be a tough fight, Chester.

Why is that tree bare? Oh, that's an ash.

Well, it must be blighted.

No. Ashes are the last to get their leaves and the first to lose them.

Overcrowding the public schools, indeed.

As though people with two acres propagate more than people with five.

That's not even a biological fact.

Safari Ball. Put me down for a table. Oh, Neddy.

What's the matter? Don't I always support your benefits?

A table costs $1000. Okay, put me down.

By the way, my boy, I was awfully sorry that we couldn't be of help.

I don't recall asking you for help.

How are Lucinda and the girls?

Lucinda's fine and the girls are home playing tennis.

Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll get wet.

Didn't ask for any money after all. Just wait.

He must be back on his feet.

He bought a whole table, didn't he?

Hi. Hi.

I bet your name's Gilmartin. Kevin Gilmartin Jr., after my father.

My mother says I've got a lot to live down.

How about giving me a cup?

It's 10 cents. I'll owe it to you.

How do I know I'll collect? I'll drop around tomorrow and pay you.

Scout's honour. Well, I look honest, don't I?


You're shivering.

Is your mother home?

She's in Europe. It's a honeymoon, so she couldn't take me.

How's your father? He's in love with a manicurist.

That's what Mother says. I have to depend on her for information.

You alone here? There's a maid.

I'm gonna invite you over to our house. I've got two girls you can play with.

How big? Not much bigger than you.

Do you play with them? Sure.

We play tennis and we go bike riding together.

I have an English racing bike. Fine, bring it over. We'll race you.

Do you want another? No, thanks.

You'll owe me 20 cents.

I haven't time. I'm swimming home.

Do you mind if I use your pool? Not at all, but...

Well, that does it. That really does it.

My whole project is ruined.

They emptied the pool because I'm not a good swimmer.

I'm bad at sports. At school, nobody wants me on their team.

It's a lot better that way. You take it from me.

At first, it's the end of the world because you're not on the team.

Till you realize. Realize what?

You realize that you're free. You're your own man.

No need to worry about being captain and all that status stuff.

They'd never elect me captain in a million years.

You're the captain of your soul. That's what counts. Know what I mean?

There's one thing I could do.

I could get in and make believe I'm swimming across the pool.

But that's kind of cheating, isn't it?

Not if I did all the strokes exactly as if I were in the water.

Hey, that's a good idea! Let's do it.

Now, there are three things to remember:


...reach and follow through. That's it.

Okay, let's start with the crawl.

Hey, you got pretty good form.

I've had lots of lessons. It's just that I'm afraid of the water.

Okay, over on your back. That's it.

You know what we do in the winter?

We flood our tennis courts and ice-skate on them.

Those kids of mine look so damn cute. Like elves in their red stocking caps.

I don't know how to skate. You come over, we'll teach you.

Then we'll have a game of hockey. Okay.

Breaststroke. Yes, sir, those kids of mine think I got all the answers.

Those kids of mine think I'm just about it.

I've done it! It's the first time I've ever swum a whole lane!


I suppose it doesn't count, though, because there's no water.

For us there was. But that's a lie, isn't it?

No. You see, if you make believe hard enough that something is true...

...then it is true for you.

Let's do it again. I gotta be going.

Oh, come on, please? It's getting late.

I'm sorry, I'd like to, but... If you're gonna leave, then leave.

I'll give you a ring tomorrow. About coming over.

What's the matter? I thought you were gonna dive.

You thought I was gonna dive? There's no water in the pool.

Well, so long again.

Ain't it a bitch, huh? You ever seen anything like it?

Fifteen tons, 30,000 pounds of structured aluminium and clear plastic.

So there we are, bare-assed, and we jump in the pool.

It's all steamy and warm, and the snowflakes are floating down...

...and the hi-fi system is playing and Grace and I are on our backs...

...just bobbing along and I says to Grace:

Well, this party has everything, including a gatecrasher.

I was hoping you'd be glad to see me.

You never came when I invited you. Why should I be glad now?

Well, I thought, better late than never. You thought wrong, buster.

As one of your more distinguished gatecrashers... I rate a drink?

Suit yourself.

You're new around here, aren't you? What do you mean, new?

It's just I haven't seen you at parties. I haven't seen you neither.

I'll have a gin on the rocks, please. When you have a chance.

Here I am again, Leroy. Fill 'er up.

Some big deal, huh?

Boy, you sure gotta like swimming to go in for this expenditure.

You look like the type that goes in for swimming, huh?

Why not? When the world is so generously supplied with water.

I'm not a maniac about it. Tell you the truth, it's murder on my hair.

Lovely hair.

Thank you.

You a neighbour from around here?


You a friend of the Biswangers?

They're not even on our Christmas card list.

Then what are you?

I'm an explorer.

No, I mean, what are you doing here? I'm swimming home.

You married?

What's that got to do with it? You're divorced? What?

Do you want to come with me?

Where? Along a river of sapphire pools.

I never heard anyone talk like you. Come with me, be my love.

That I've heard before. Not from me.

You're no different than any other guy. But I am.

I'm a very special human being. Noble and splendid.

Come on, Joan.

Hey, wait a minute.

This looks like my wagon.

I'm sure this is my wagon.

This is my wagon.

I wheel my kids around in it. You see that?

That's where Ella put her foot through, and I mended it with plywood.

This is my wagon, man.

What's the trouble here? This is my hot dog wagon.

We bought it. You bought it?

At a white elephant sale. What the hell was it doing there?

Your wife must have donated it. She had no right.

She knows I'm crazy about this thing. Take it up with her.

I'll buy it back from you. Not interested.

I'll give you twice what you paid for it. I'll give you $100.

A hundred dollars? For that piece of junk?

I wanna buy this wagon back. Name a price, I'll send you a check.

He'll send me a check.

I'm taking this thing home with me. Hands off, you.

You crashed in, now crash the hell out.

Go on, beat it!

I'll have my lawyers get in touch with you.

Yeah, you do that.

What are you doing here?

What a great suit. New? Last year's.

I don't remember that suit. You weren't around last year.

God, you look sensational.

What the hell are you doing here? I'm swimming home.

You're what? Pool by pool, across the county.

Good Christ, Ned, will you ever grow up?

Let me try. No.

Please, let me.

When I was a Boy Scout, I passed the first-aid test...

...but there wasn't much in it about splinters.

Now, if you broke something, I could make you a beautiful splint.

I'm sorry.

There we are. A regular redwood.

Cut a hole in it, you could drive a car through.

What did you do that for? Keep away from me, will you, please?

You must be crazy. Everybody's gone crazy today.

I just came from the Biswangers'. They snubbed me.

Everybody at their party snubbed me.

They've even got my hot dog wagon.

Your wagon?

I painted it myself and put the little umbrella up.

I always kept it in the playroom, remember?

I've never been to your house, remember?

God, I'm tired. You mind if I have a drink?

All right.

How about you, you want a bullshot? No, thank you.

Oh, come on, now. You love the way I make them.

We are running out of Tabasco.


Aren't you a little confused this afternoon?

How goes it in Never Never Land? What?

Has the ideal all-American family found happiness on the hill?

The hill?

I heard a rumour that you'd changed your place of residence.

Of course not, that's ridiculous.

Well, how is the president of the League of Women Voters?

Who? How is your wife?

Oh, she's fine.

I've been away so long I haven't kept up with the news.

I suppose by now all waitresses in town must be certified nonvenereal.

Last I heard that was your wife's latest project:

Physical checkups for food handlers.

Lucinda's always done a lot of good in this town.

She just didn't do so good at home, did she?

Here's to sugar on our strawberries.


Remember last winter in Toronto?

We called room service and ordered bullshots.

I wasn't in Toronto last winter.

I came up for the opening of your show. Remember how it snowed?

I ordered a horse and sleigh to take us from the hotel to the theatre.

I haven't been in Toronto in three years now.

Was it Boston? What was the name of that play in Boston?

I came up on a Saturday, remember? You faked a slipped disk.

Your standby went on for the matinee. I cured your aching back, didn't I?

You bastard.

Listen, Ned, I want you to get out of here now, I mean it!

Why? I'm expecting someone.

Who? None of your business who.

A man?

Do you think I've been in a deep freeze while you've played house?

Yes, a man.

I'm cold.

What's the matter with that sun? There's no heat in it.


...what happened?

What happened to what?

Nothing's turned out...

Nothing's turned out the way I thought it would.

When I was a kid, I used to believe in things.

People seemed happier when I was a kid.

People used to love each other. What happened?

You got tossed out of your golden playpen, that's what happened.

My mother gave me 25 cents for mowing the lawn around our house.

Seems only a minute ago...

...I could smell the grass.

It's so fast.

People grow up and then they...

We're all gonna die, Shirley.

That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Sometimes it does.

Sometimes at 3:00 in the morning.

Did you know I went to spy on you once in the lobby of the theatre?

Spy on me? It was a long time ago.

You were meeting your family to take them to the ballet.

I saw your daughters in their white gloves and patent leather slippers...

...and that aging Vassar-girl wife of yours...

...and her understated little suit.

And you...

There you were, shaking hands with people, smiling, saying hello.

One hour before that, you'd been in bed with me.

I put that smile on your face, you damned hypocrite!

I want you to get out of here now.

Swim the pool, do whatever you have to do, but get out.

As soon as you tell me who's coming over.

I told you that's none of your business.

On a 10-point scale, how would you rate him in bed?

What did I do to you, Shirley? I'm sorry for whatever I did.

The usual red-blooded married man thing.

At lunch, you lectured me about the duties of a father and a husband.

It's a classic by now, reprinted yearly in the Reader's Digest.

I don't remember.

It's the first really chic restaurant you took me to in New York.

Right out in front of everyone who counts.

You cried. I also raised my voice.

It tore me apart to see you crying.

You chose that place because you thought I wouldn't make a fuss... front of all those mink hats and snobbish waiters and stylish fags.

No, no.

Did you really think you could get rid of me... no more noise than the sound of finger bowls tinkling?

I loved you.

I didn't know what to do.

So you went back to your wife whom you didn't love. Well, it figures.

It's her real estate, she owns all the pots and pans...

...knows where all the lost shirt buttons are.

Why give up those comforts? Well, I had a few comforts of my own.

When you were on that train back to Connecticut...

...remember that groovy bellhop in my hotel?

Absolutely primitive, no hang-ups. You're lying.

You called me from the station.

I put the phone on the pillow between us so we both could listen.

All that snivelling about your innocent wife and children.

We laughed so hard, we stuffed the sheets in our mouths.

You're lying.

You'll never know, will you?

Let me do your back.

No. Please let me.

Shirley, let's go away for a couple of weeks.

I read about a great old castle in Ireland.

A real one, with a moat and a drawbridge.

Some king built it, hundreds of years ago.

It's an inn now with crazy old four-posters...

...and big soft beds with canopies.

Ned, I want you to go away now.

Will you come with me, Shirley?

Do you really think it's that easy?

Of course everything's always been easy for you, hasn't it?

You could always get a cab in the rain...

...a woman into bed.

God knows I was easy enough to get.

You wore a blue slip...

...with a safety pin holding up your shoulder strap.

I thought we were going to make it.

I really thought we were going to make it.

I kissed that safety pin.

Ned, please don't.


I never meant to hurt you, Shirley.

Please believe me. Please.

What's the matter with you?

I'll get you a sweater.


You must be catching something. How can I swim in a sweater?

Listen, I'll drive you home. No.

I've got to swim home.

For the love of God, why? I've just got to. I've got to.

I'll go get the car. No!

I can't go in a car. It's impossible.

How can I?

Lucinda's waiting.

The girls are home playing tennis.

I'm swimming home.

My God...

Come with me. Come with me, Shirley.

Ned, I can't. Please. Come with me.

Please don't. Shirley.

Leave me alone. You know you don't want me to.

Please leave me alone.

We made love together in this pool. And you loved it, remember?

I lied. You loved it, Shirley. You loved it.

Ned, don't. Please.

Baby. No, Ned.

Please. Ned, no, don't.

No, stop it, Ned. Don't. Ned, don't. No.

Damn you! No!

I lied! I lied all the time about loving it anywhere with you!

You bored me to tears with all your stories about your old deals...

...your old girls, your golf scores, your bloody war...

...your bloody duty, wife and kids. You bored me to tears.

I was playing a scene with you. You loved me.

You met your match in me, you suburban stud. I was acting!

You loved it.

You loved it.

We both loved it.

You loved it!

Just one lane. I wanna swim just one lane.

You don't understand. I understand you ain't got 50 cents.

Can't you make an exception? My house is right over there on the hill.

I'll come back with the money. Get the hell out, mister.


...will you lend me 50 cents?

Please. Please. Why the hell should I?

I'll pay you back. Don't you realize I'll pay you back?

Beat it.

Howie! Mr. Merrill.

Lend me 50 cents. Don't do it.

Howie, for chrissake.

What's 50 cents? I mean, considering.

Thanks, Howie.

Thanks a lot. Thanks an awful lot.

Hold it.

Can't you read, buddy?

Take a shower.

Go on back and wash those feet.

Spread your toes.



Your friends' pools run out of water? What?

How do you like our water, Mr. Merrill?

Hi, Jack. You sure got a lot of chlorine in it.

Stings your eyes?

Yeah, that's too bad. Ain't seen you in a while.

Too bad you don't get into town. We sure had good times.

I used to see you four or five times a week. A few drinks, a hamburger.

How is the series?

What are you waiting for? Ask him. What series?

The World Series. Two years ago.

Did you use the seats I gave you? They were great seats.

Are you gonna ask him? Shut up.

I'll ask him. When you gonna pay your bill?

We're decent people, trying to make a living.

We got bills too.

You're the first deadbeat we ever got in our place.

Hold it down, Lil.

Now, wait a minute.

Listen, I'm gonna send the both of you a check tomorrow.

Yeah, that's a laugh all right.

He's no friend of yours. The check isn't worth anything.

Okay, that's enough. You should see the orders I sent up.

His wife wanted French strawberry jam. American ain't good enough.

Mrs. Merrill had to have Dijon mustard.

Hearts of palm, hearts of artichokes. Some rich diet you have up there.

Hearts of Jack Finney is what they get.

Let's break it up. Let's not have a fuss.

I gotta go. How's the family, Howie?

My boy won the American Legion Scholarship Award.

Straight A's. Wonderful.

Our kids behave themselves, not run around drunk, wrecking cars.

He kept his daughters' names out of the paper.

I bet that check didn't bounce.

Leave my daughters alone. Then teach them manners.

They never listened to him. Shut up.

I'm not blaming the girls. It's him. Always trying to be "one of the gang."

My daughters worship me.

They love me and respect me...

...because I'm their father, and they respect me.

They respect me. Yeah?

My girls love me.

We heard those girls talking in our place, giving you the raspberry.

You're a liar.

Come on, don't talk to my wife that way.

She's a goddamned liar.

Wanna know what your girls thought of you? Your girls laughed at you.

I heard them. They thought