Episode #3.1 (2009)
Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now.
Were offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod.
I think he's expecting to be offered Transport.
Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right?
He's making Paul Remmington a cabinet minister.
I mean the guy is an epic...
He's so dense that light bends around him.
Come on, people! Let's get going here.
I've got a to-do list here, that's longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.
Rem-tard at Energy and Climate change.
Really? I'm not getting that.
It's not on here. How did you get that? About Remmington?
Refresh the page!
Yeah... Ah yeah...
Oh, look! Fatty's staying put. They're not moving Fatty!
Yeah, well, That's because they don't have five big blokes and a winch.
They couldn't really demote Fatty, because he knows too much. He doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?
I've got this re-shuffle going on.
The Lemmington Spa by-elections coming up.
I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding.
That wasn't a reference to your daughter, by the way, Andrew.
Well. That's Hugh gone then.
That's so sad, isn't it...Hugh. Yeah.
You don't give a shit!
No, I...perhaps I don't.
Northern Ireland office - Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?
Isn't he in Harry Potter?
Tom Rudd is army slang for standing up buggery.
Doug, Doug - Douggie!
Look at you - cock the size of Pink Pather's tail.
Come, have a Kit Kat.
Uhm... I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
You know that 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin?
That's what you are.
Doug Hayes is a massive abortion.
Again, not a reference to your daughter.
We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole.
Anybody. Fucking mammal with a head.
Have you two finished emptying your desks yet?
Yes, don't worry Terri, we're all ready to go.
I'm just trying to get everything organized for whenever whoever arrives.
They are gonna have their own people.
It's gonna be very embarassing if your handcream's still in the drawer.
Yeah, or whatever men have. I don't know...
Electric nose-hair trimmers... ...Ex-lax...
Awww... Look at Glenn... Your face.
On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76 that is no life for you, is it - Glenn-nes.
Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas?
I could call Indignitas.
They could come around and shove you out of the window, dressed as a clown.
Get me uhm... Nicola Murray.
If she says no, the only other candidate is my left bollock ...
... with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
May I introduce the new Secretary of State ...
-Hello -for the Dept. of Social Affairs
... and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.
Thank you. Hello. Lovely to meet you.
Hello, hi. I'm Glenn.
Glenn Cullen. How lovely to meet you.
-These are just... Hugh's previous incumbents.
Ken and Ollie? No Glenn...
Ollie Reeder. Right.
Are you an Ollie or an Oliver?
I'm whichever you prefer, in fact.
Well okay, Oliver. I like the name Oliver.
Well, Ollie. I don't know... Oh, you are an Ollie.
... don't know why I said that.
Thank you. Good.
I'm the ideas man.
Sorry... I've gotta...
Thank you. Just need a .. one second.
Uhm.. Yes I know. But they frog-marched me into it.
I didn't know... I had no idea.
James, be fair! I left seven fucking messages for you.
Your secretary or whoever it is, is useless.
I don't think the school thing is gonna be a problem.
It's not going to be a problem, cause they have vetted me at Number 10.
And obviously nobody has soiled themselves ... or shot me.
Great, well I take your warm congratulations as implied.
You alright? Yes, it's all a bit crazy. just feels like my head is made entirely of smoke alarms.
It's all just a bit - ugh!
Yes, well it was all a bit of a shock for us all, you know.
In a good way, in a good way. Good.
Well like twins or tax rebate ...
Yes, let me continue with the tour.
That's such a nice chair...
This was Glenn's office.
Is there a chance of getting something like that?
Would you like me to have it moved to your office?
Great, could you do that?
Right.. Ollie... ? Ollie, that's right.
Glenn and Ollie, what I need to know from you...
All the stuff that Terri's not gonna tell me the stuff she's gonna keep from me. Oh, huge list.
Where the bodies are buried. Exactly.
Yes, the plate pits.
The big cardboard boxes with bits of old junior minister.
Just going to sort out that policy digest.
Urban renewal is a bit of a running sore.
In what way?
Well, it's very woolly and big.
Like a mammoth. (laughter)
Right... Okay, so uhm...
My big thing... Come in actually. Come in to my office with nowhere to sit or put anything.
My primary focus is social mobility.
That's very much my big thing. Right.
I'm really telling you that really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can start spreading the news and printing the posters. And, you know.
Fire up the turbo charges, set the phasers to equality.
It's Murray time! Well, the thing is and Ollie, please, correct me here if I'm wrong
-Oh, I will certainly do that.
Social mobility and making people richer, costs money Yes, and we don't have any of that.
If you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same with his annoying lisp.
What you're telling me basically is that I'm going to be a woman with a computer and some pens.
Well, it's just the pen budget.
I mean I have just as much real power as those twats who sit on either side of Alan Sugar.
Secretary of State, we have some clothes for you to look at for a press photograph later. Oh.
We can do this later, maybe? Definitely.
You're size 16?
I'm so sorry, I will get those changed. Right away.
At the moment I've got nobody at all.
Apart from Hugh's guys who are just kind of so fucking patronizing And cold. Seriously, one of them looks exactly like he works at menswear at Selfridges.
I don't know what the fuck to say to him.
Secretary of State?
Yes? Your fruit salad.
Oh I've just had a couple of press calls Couple of the papers asking about your husband and the PFI.
Already? My God. They're so on it.
Could you brief me?
Yes, sorry... It's honestly nothing.
James works for Albany, which is the company that was awarded the PFI prison's contract by this departement. -Yes, I remember.
I know that sounds bad, but actually James wasn't at Albany when the contracts were awarded and I wasn't here, so Yeah, maybe. It's not a conflict of interest.
I think you could just run that by Malcolm.
He's on his way.
Not Malcolm... He's what now? Coming in?
Yes, he'll be up in 25 seconds.
Okay... Fuck. Right.
So Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker!
Malcolm.... I'm not nervous, you know, it's just...
Malcolm's sort of one of those things that I'm aware of without ever having really come into contact
... with. Like a rat.
No, he'd hate that. He thinks of himself as a sort of thin white Mugabe.
Do you think?
Because if you are worried about Malcolm we have amassed a few tips how to deal with him, over the years.
We have worked out when he's gonna give you a verbal colonic and some avoidance maneuvers.
Is this the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency?
Malcolm Tucker! The real deal.
Hello. The real deal. Good to see you.
You're looking great.
All right, hens and bracket. It's time to hang up your lady cocks.
Nicola Murray. Here you are. Secretary of state.
For the Departement of Social Affairs and Citizenship.
Yep, I now have one the of the longest job titles in Western politics.
Thank god I don't have to wear a lapel badge.
It's a pity we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know like PFI.
Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Embarassing.
If you're a bit sloppy with the details.
Which clearly your fucking husband is.
Okay, look. James works for Albany, fine.
He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded.
Don't worry... That was just me. Okay, right. fine.
That's the sort of thing the press will throw at you.
I mean - you step out of line, they'll be all over you.
Like a pigeon on a chip.
Is that you chair?
Oh god, yeah. It's cool, isn't it?
It's got lumbar support.
People don't like their politicians to be comfortable.
They don't like you having expenses, they don't like you being paid they'd rather you lived in a fucking cave.
Okay, fine. So...
What should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket?
A fucking normal chair. Right?
Not a fucking massive vibrating throne Malcolm must be hating this.
All these bright fresh new ministers to blood in. and to plan a by-election.
If it's any consolation to you a little bit of you will always be in this departement because she's got your chair.
Doesn't she? She has got your chair, and in fact your dandruff.
Hahaha. If I go, that chair is coming with me.
You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper That'll be you.
You could go in your chair.
They'll make you king of all the tramps.
So uh... You have three kids, yeah?
I've got four. Four?
Katie's sixteen, she's the oldest. She's just left school.
Not going to a college, to a university ?
Uhm, she's a bit of a rebel.
What sort of a rebel?
What are we talking here Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays in Pakistani training camp?
It's chiefly heroin.
Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn carrier.
I'm sorry to disturb. Uhm.
Morning Malcolm Morning, Terri.
Just wanted to give you a few things - here that's change from the fruit salad this is this morning's paper do excuse me -
I'm surprised that you hadn't vetted me I thought you'd know about the kids.
It's just that you were a sort of late-ish kind of appointement.
That didn't quite give me the time to to fuck the i's and fist the t's as Robert Robertson might say.
Sound to me like, she's only bringing in one other person, so I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently.
Thank God I'm safe.
Gee! We know you're safe, Terri!
How do we know you're safe?
We know you're safe, because you keep using the word "safe" like bloody Jim Bowen.
You've got a dull sack, that's safe do you want to go for the treasury, young lady.
Okay. This is Walton.
What about these other kids.
What ages are they?
They're 11, 9 and 5.
So that's a secondary school?
No, she's still at a primary - state primary.
Lovely little school with terrible SAT results, but a really good kind of broad demographic. and steel band.
She will be going to a secondary school, what - in September?
I can see where this is going.
Uhm.. it's not an issue.
Great! If it's not an issue I can just fucking toddle off then I will go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet.
Probably will have to tug myself off cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that.
Cause I know there is no fucking issue here.
She's not going to a comprehensive, Malcolm.
She's going to a local independent school.
Jesus H... fucking Corbett.
Do you honestly think...
Do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that?
You are saying that all your local state schools ALL the schools that this governement has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds and that's not a big story?
For fuck's sake!
Sort it, or abort it!
Let's get this clear.
My family is off limits.
Alright? This job is not going to get anywhere near my husband and my kids. Just doesn't.
Of course it fucking does. as per the wee bar code and the serial number under your right armpit you are now built and owned by the state and you're under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling!
You know what you are?
You're a fucking human dart-board. and Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche throwing a million darts made of human shit right at you.
Can you take that? Can you?
Okay, look. You - the all-swearing eye -
You didn't even know how many kids I had You had to ask me.
So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care?
Do you remember The Big Breakfast?
Remember that program? Yes!
Remeber how Chris Evans started that? D'you remember it was a big success?
And then they had that guy Johnny Vaughan - remember him?
Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why but they loved him.
Do you know what this is here?
This here - is fucking series 10. of the Big Breakfast.
And you know what you are?
You're the fucking dinner lady that they've asked to come to present the show.
The reason I didn't know about you and your children is you are so low down on the list of candidates for this job I didn't even have the chance to look into you.
Waaaaay waaay waaay way
You are now being scrutinized for what you wear, what you say.
For your hair, your shoes your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage and your dress - which by the way is way too loud.
Too loud? Yeah! I'm getting fucking tinnitus here.
Your crooked husband - I can make go away.
But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underaged daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard - I cannot.
She goes to the comp - okay?
You Glenn, yes and or Ollie.
Terri! Just a quick update really.
How did it go? It was all very positive we sort of know where we all stand now the PFI thing you know about not a problem, Malcolm's fine.
Second little thing I've just apprised Malcolm of is that my eleven year-old daughter will be going to a private school.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Sorry... It's a personal issue I'm not Education Secretary, so Nor will you be!
Secretary of State - with respect - this is political suicide.
Thank you very much for your support, Glenn.
I was hoping there was another way around it.
Sorry, there is no way around it, it's horrible, It's a bit like Dover.
You know, if you wanna go to France you've got to go through it.
We don't have to go through Dover to get to France you can go through Weymouth, through Portsmouth, there's plenty ...
I don't want to go to Dover.
I don't want to go to fucking Dover or France!
I just want my daughter to be happy at school.
Great, well that's good, that's excellent.
That's .. you've got principles, the common thing ...
For fuck's sake Ollie, there is no point telling her just what she wants to hear, is there?
Yes? I'm sorry, but personal issues are not my brief.
Okay, thank you for that.
The chair - the lumbar chair has to go to skip, Malcolm insisted.
Not now, cause I've got work to do but if you could get somebody... Apparently, if you have a nice chair it turns you into Saddam Hussein.
The entire building smells of cold sores.
Ah, so - first cabinet meeting.
How do you feel?
Anxious, nervous, worried?
Well she probably wasn't until you said "anxious, nervous, worried?"
Now you are an advert for Tarmazipan.
Going sick all over the Foreign Secretary would that look bad?
No - Jeffrey House shat himself on his first morning.
Well I find that kind of tomfoolery very tiresome.
Sorry - Terri, what's the driver's name?
It always makes you look more human if you know their name I am human, so.
Seriously, what's his name.
No, it's Elvis.
He's from the Ukraine, you see.
And nobody can pronouce the real name So they call him Elvis on account of the - uhuhuh.
Take a peak.
Hey, what's wrong with you?
You look like you've shat a lego garage or something.
Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Lemmington Spa.
This is going to split our vote.
Do you thing we're in trouble?
Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley.
No - she thinks just because her dead fat-ass dad was an MP that gives her the right to be our candidate.
No no no. This isn't tsarist Russia.
This isn't fucking Dimblebys.
What do we do?
We'll send everyone up there.
To support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister.
You want to send Tom up there?
Yeah, fuck it, he'll be alright, as long as he doesn't do the smile.
You hit the phones, right?
I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby.
Congratulations - first cabinet. I heard you wowed them.
The meeting's literally just finished, how would you know that?
PM texted me - he's very impressed.
You could be nominated for best newcomer.
You knew Jim Lynn, didn't you?
The dead fucker. God rest him.
Yeah, I did a bit back home.
Very sad - all those weeks on life support.
Sad? Lying on you back, getting fed nutrients through a tube?
It's my idea of a fucking holiday.
How would you like to go to Lemmington?
It's never too soon to go to Lemmington.
I've just taken over a departement, I have a hell of a ...
You've been asked by the PM specifically to pop along to Lemmington and do some photo-ops with Liam Bentley.
Supporting him, yeah?
I don't really have any choice, do I?
Of course you have a choice.
You can decide exactly how you say "yes".
You can do it with a voice.
Have fun with it.
In my own voice.
I look forward to toasting your success.
Have a lovely time in Lemmington, yeah?
Can I go?
Of course you can fucking go.
Never easy. Never fucking easy.
Yeah, hi. Hey.
Glenn. Glenn ...
What do you think of Glenn?
Huh. Well it's sort of like asking what do I think of skirting boards I mean - I assume that we need them but I'm not really sure why.
I'm finding him very old-school.
Well, yes. He's ancient school, really.
Glenn - he used to get his packed lunch nicked by Plato he's an old ...
So I'd like you to come up to Lemmington with me.
Oh great, yeah. Well, it's a... it's my favourite of the spa towns.
Apart from all the other, so.
Okay, lovely. So if you could just get uhm, Terri in. Please.
What were you and Bravo Two Zero talking about in there?
Who? Her, you know.
Her in there. Bravo Two Zero.
Well, I don't know what that means, Glenn.
Yes you do - no, I don't mean that, I mean Juliet Bravo.
You've completely lost me, Glenn. I really ...
Juliet Bravo! She was a lady policeman.
A lady policeman? Did the last 30 years not happen to you?
What? Have you been asleep in a box of straw like a Blue Peter tortoise Lady policeman.
I've asked Ollie to come up to Lemmington with me.
I can't really connect with Glenn.
You think I shouldn't have asked Ollie?
No no - I didn't say that.
You sort of did with your face.
No no, Ollie has got plenty of good points.
It's just he's ... well he's a little bit morally bankrupt and massively self-centred.
And a tiny bit dangerously unreliable.
But he has got a lot of good points, as I say.
Great - well thank you.
Can you just send Glenn in for me?
Nicola would like to see you.
Hi Glenn, take a seat. -Thank you.
You ever worked in retail, Glenn?
No, never have.
Uhm, so what do you think of Terri - do you trust her?
Right - cause she just told me she sort of prefers you to Ollie.
When I say I don't trust her -
What I mean is I don't trust her around money.
Blimey, what - she steals?
No no no no - I'm not saying anything like that.
Cause actually - I got very little change from my fruit salad.
No no no - let me just roll back a little bit here.
Perhaps, uhm... all the way to the boathouse.
Actually, I do trust Terri.
Your chair's gone.
Oh yes, yeah... I had to bin it - Malcolm insisted.
But it was my chair.
Oh right, I... It was It was decadent, Glenn.
It was a chair gone mad.
Do you know where it's gone?
I'm sorry - for your loss.
I paid 600 pounds for that chair.
How's her hair?
Terri, you'll be delighted to know that the Secretary of State is now checking her hair in my glasses.
You're on TV live.
You're on now - apparently.
Why are you squatting down?
Ah - there she is.
Malcolm - Nicola will be there in a minute.
No, you're in the shot actually, Ollie.
Why am I in the shot?
♪ Nicola Murray! ♪ Hi everybody, well - uhm I'm very pleased to see a number of familiar faces here - Hello!
Isn't see good with the people?
Yeah, she is.
But then - so is Kate Thornton and she's wanted for war crimes.
Ladies and gentlemen let's take a look at Liam Bentley's election poster.
Mrs Murray, do you feel your husband's involvement in the PFI's prisons contract compromises your position?
Well, I'm just here to support Liam Bentley You don't think there's a conflict of interest?
No - I really don't.
Excellent. She's handling this very well, Malcolm.
Will you resign, minister?
Oh shut up, you twat!
... and I think they're interested also in greater opportunities for social ...
Looking terrific, Ollie.
A little bit edgy.
Can you please make sure Nicola's right in the middle.
She doesn't look important enough could you just - move her over.
Could you move for a second. ? Right here?
Perfect, that looks terrific. No no no ...
No! Jesus - Terri!
What does is say, Terri?
It says Liam... No it doesn't
... Bentley. Not there it fucking doesn't!
Back where you were - please, stay
This is obviously the hot spot.
Well okay, if you crop the ...
Well of course if you crop Malcolm!
You really tried.
Did your best, mate.
Very happy with it.
You both did your best.
Hi darling! Did you see mommy on the telly?
I know, did I look funny?
It did, good boy.
It said "I am bent".
Have you uhm...
Yeah, is this now official news that's calling?
Great - someone's just sent me a Youtube clip which is me, in front of the "I am bent" sign randomly intercut with bits from Family Guy.
It's not even funny! Why do people fucking do that on Youtube!
Look - let's learn and grow from this experience.
We can make a blacklist of words you should never stand in front of.
In case the press gets to do something like that.
Peacock. Peacock, of course.
Anything with cock, really.
You remember that folk singer - Tim Hardin.
Well you'd be able to get "I'm hard."
Out of that.
Coarsefishing - that could be arsefish if you crop that.
And walkie-talkie could be cropped to say alkie - twice.
There are no walkie-talkie why would I stand in front of a walkie-talkie sign?
Well you know, Howard, she's not bent neither in the sense of being corrupt or being gay.
And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline - you massive puff.
You've got egg on your face, Howard.
You over-easy piss-bag.
Oh hey Yoko Ono and the two remaining Beatles piss off.
Right - any chance we could just skip over the usual abuse bit and move on to the part where we sort this out.
You need to make a decision.
Are you still going ahead with the private school because if you are, we need to draft a statement saying that your husband is leaving his job.
Are you taking a piss?
You're expecting me to choose between fucking up my daughter's life and fucking up my husband's life?
So I just have to choose between them.
Like they're on some fucking cosmic dessert trolley.
Listen darling - I can't fight on two fronts, you know?
If the press run with both of these stories you're fucking dead.
You set this up, didn't you?
To put me in my place?
Or get back at me for ignoring your advice?
Or some other weird perceived slight that doesn't in any way merit this massive fucking out-of-proportion Isreali-style response.
You don't realise - I'm your fucking fairy godfather - right?
Jesus - God help me!
I'm your fairy fucking godfather.
I've got a magic wand that I can wave about but I've got a fucking Blackberry and a chiff.
You've got a decision to make, You make it - talk to you later.
Sorry - can we just carry on talking about that thing?
Was it you who positioned me there?
Do you know what the first sign of madness is?
Have you seen that film - A Beautiful Mind the one with that Russell Crowe?
The one with the maths guy he thinks the CIA are working away in a shed at the bottom of his garden.
No. I am not the mad one here.
You are the mad one.
You're Russell Crowe.
Oh no no no. You are Russell Crowe.
And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell you fucking antipondean, fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake.
See this poster stuff that's fucking small fry
The really horrible stuff that's all still about to fucking happen to you - right?
Right you're coming in here so we can carry this on?
Now? If you can spare the time!
I - no. I can't...
I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic.
Not hugely - I can be in rooms you've seen that - I just don't do lifts - that's all.
This lift is - I mean it's fucking huge!
I mean this is bigger than some rooms this is bigger than some people's flats.
It's about not being able to get out.
Oh, well that's great.
That's fucking great.
That's another fucking thing right there.
Not only you've got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school on a fucking sedan chair. you're also fucking mental!
Jesus Christ, see you you are a fucking omni-shambles that's what you are.
You're like that coffee machine, you know from bean to cup, you fuck up.
He so is Russell Crowe.
Nicola, I did want to tell you that I I tried to get a message through to Ollie ...
I know. I have been doing this a long time now, by which a mean, you know in an experienced - firm hand on a tiller sort of way.
Not in a clapped hard over the hill kind of way.
Yeah I know. I've learned to look out for these sort of things I have developed a kind of sonar for them now like a bat.
Glenn, do you want to... would you want to maybe stay on I could use that sonar.
Uhm, forgive me...
I think that's Jamaican slang for "homosexual".
Yes, I was thinking that as I said it I'm really sorry - I didn't.
No no no no.
I'm on my way down - see you by the front door, Elvis.
Have you decided?
Yes, Malcolm, you know I have decided the minute you told me I had to decide.
I'm gonna change Ella's schools.
Good for you.
Listen - I'm gonna try and get your social mobility thing moving.
I talked to the chancellor I'm gonna keep banging away at it - you know like Charles Haughtry on a sleeping guardsman.
I mean she's ... She's very bright so Yeah? They say if you're very bright then it sort of doesn't matter what school you go to.
That is very true.
See you later - state educator.
It's a highly expensive lumbar support chair, for God's sake.
Oh don't be ridiculous.
I mean that's paper recycling, it's not gonna be there - is it?
I'm gonna call you in the morning and if you're not there you're in big trouble.
Dickensian hysteric who's just gone home?
Here's what you do - right?
You're made out of great aw's - yeah?
You make a big noise to impress Nicola.
But secretly, you're wanking behind the curtain to me all the time.
You want me to pass information onto you?
Don't kill yourself though - well, not over this you know.
I just want you to make her feel good - you know?
You can be a friend of Dorothy's - can't ya?
Then we'll all get some fucking peace around here!
I'm on my way to wipe my arse on pictures of Nick Robinson.
I'm getting good at getting my queef.