The Three Stooges in Orbit (1962) Script

No object in the endless sea of space has aroused man's curiosity...

...more than the planet Mars.

In particular, the shape and form of Martian life.

For centuries, astronomers have searched in vain...

...to solve this mystery.

It has challenged the creativity of the world's greatest writers...

...and the imagination of its most gifted artists.

Some envisioned Martians as huge, birdlike beasts.

Others described fantastic serpents of incredible size...

...grotesque, tentacled creatures.

Shapes, sizes and forms beyond man's wildest imagination.

Animal, vegetable, mineral...

...even mechanical creatures of enormous destructive power.

But all this is conjecture.

At last, you will learn the simple truth about life on Mars.

As Normandy Productions lights the fuse...

...that put The Three Stooges in Orbit.

Where you will meet the true image of the men from Mars.


Hollywood, California. Glamour capital of the world...

...where movie history was first written by such greats as Valentino...

...Fairbanks, Pickford.

Today a new chapter: television.

And carrying on in the tradition of the immortals, we find....

Hey, hey, Caruso. You want the manager should hear you?

If she finds out we're cooking in the room, we're goners.

You know the trouble we had finding this place.

You better start cooking for the TV show for tomorrow.

Or you'll answer to me.

-Now sound off. -Okay, chief.

Hello, everybody! It gives me pleasure on this monotonous occasion--

Hey, hey, it's "momentous." Mo-mentous.

What are you giving me two words for when I have enough trouble with one?

I smell cooking in there.

-Battle stations. -Open the door, or I'll use my keys.


Let old buzzard-face in.

Hey, jughead!

The hat, the hat!

Oh, Miss McGinnis, you're looking the same as ever.

Thank you.

Now, I know I've detect the odor of cooking in this room, which this hotel will not tolerate!

Cooking? What a lively imagination.

I dare say it's the aroma from the beanery across the street.

It floats in here all day long.

Well, you know the rules, and as the manager here, I....

Do you have to play that so loud?

-Well, you know what this means. -Yeah, it means goodbye.

Bye!


Now remember, the last place was the 10th place we were thrown out of.

So watch your p's and q's!

Wait a minute, get a load of this.

"Lonely retired gentleman desires boarders. Home cooking."

Home cooking! Where is this idyllic habitation?

-Oh, those kind of words you can say? -Yeah.

-Why.... Where is it? -It's Hawk Hill Manor in Lompoc.

Lompoc? Well, Lompoc, here we come!


Boy, oh, boy!

An echo.

-Looks like a country club for zombies. -You ought to know.

-Did you hear that? -Yeah.

Wait a minute, I heard it the first time.

Welcome to Hawk Hill, gentlemen.

I'm Professor Danforth.

You came in answer to my advertisement?

-Yes, we did. -Quite a cozy place you got here.

Thank you. Great-grandfather built it over 100 years ago.

No! It doesn't look a day over 98.

Thank you, and won't you come in, please?

Okay.

As you can see, I've got lots of room here, plenty of--

I see you're interested in my new invention.

This, gentlemen, is my all-purpose military vehicle.

The full-scale model is nearing completion in my workshop.

I've been working on it for months. Here are the plans.

This button operates it underwater. This one propels it up in the air.

And this one puts it in orbit.

I think this guy's in orbit already.

Sorry, professor, but I'm afraid we'd be in your way.

-We'll be seeing you. -No.

No, wait, please. My days are so lonely and monotonous.

It's "momentous." Hey, I said it!

Quiet.

It will be so nice to have earthlings in the house for a change.

Pardon me, did you say, "earthlings"?

That's right. I'm often bothered by a spy from outer space...

...who's trying to steal my plans. A terrible-looking thing.

Claws instead of hands, a hideous green face, sharp yellow fangs.

Oh, the regular monster type.

Monster? That's right, yes, exactly.

-Okay, professor, we'll stay. -Yeah, sure.

-What have we got to lose? -Yeah.

Thanks. William will show you to your tombs.

I mean rooms!

Moe?

-About that professor-- -Don't pay any attention...

...to what the old guy said about the spy from outer space.

He's been bending over those diagrams too long.

Well, just the same, I'm taking no chances.

-Where did you get that? -Off the wall.

Chicken. If anything happens, I'll be across the hall.

Now get some shuteye. We gotta be in shape for our show tomorrow.

-Good night. -Good night.

On this "monanimous" occasion.... That's not right. "Moninimous."

-"Modinimous--" -Dream about it!

Turn out the lights, I'm bushed.

Moe, they're here!

-They're here! -What are you yelling about?

-They're here. -They're here? Who's here?

-From outer space. -You're off your rocker.

No, listen to me, Moe. I'm telling you the truth.

Oh, Mable, you're here at last.

You swept me off my feet. I'm being carried away.

I'm safe. Safe in your arms, darling. Safe.

He's here.

The spaceman, I saw him. A guy could get murdered.

-It'll be you if you don't let me sleep. -Moe, please. Come on. I'll show you.

Come on, right in here. I know it happened right over here.

I'll show you. Right there. The claw came through there.

It looked just like a can opener.

Then it pulled the chain like that, and then it went back in the wall...

-...and this covered the hole. -Hole? The hole is in your head.

Why can't you be like Larry, sleeping like a baby?

Move over, Larry, and let Joe in.

Move over, I said!

Now, any more trouble out of you, and I'll give you something to yap about.


Look!

Gotcha!

Hey, I got him, Moe. A tourist from Mars.

Yeah, sure, with a card from the Diners Club.

Hey, lift him up. I'll look for a rope.

-Hey, Moe, it's the butler! -It's always the butler.

Here comes another one.

Hey, wait. Hey, it's Larry.

You're all right. It was only a blow on the head.

Oh, my, what happened?

That's him, that's the fellow who tried to steal my plans!

No, he's innocent. It was the butler.

He's got a space gun.

What did he say?

Come on.

Well, I'm not afraid of that popgun.

That probably shoots corks. Kazakoni yourself.

Got a long way to run, fellas!

You leave my machine alone. Stop, I tell you--!

-Wait a minute, fellas. -What do you mean?

-We've got a long way to run. -We don't have to run.

-We got a car outside. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -The keys are in my pants upstairs.

Would you like to go get them?

Well, like you say, Moe, we've got a long ways to run.

Wait, wait, wait!


Martians!

Flying saucers!


FBI? Never mind the clerks, I want Mr. Welby.

-Welby here. -Mr. Welby, I talked to you before.

Professor Danforth.

Yes, professor, what can I do for you this time?

That butler I told you was after my invention?

Well, he's from Mars, all right.

I just caught him talking to his boss on closed-circuit TV.

I tell you, they're coming after us with scads of flying saucers.

Send someone right over.

I'd love to, professor, but unfortunately all my men are busy right now.

We're rounding up a herd of man-eating caterpillars from Venus...

...that are trying to crush city hall!

What's the matter, you a nut or something?

Mr. Welby? Mr. Welby, come back!

They're gonna blow up the whole world.

"Hollywood television studio, Stage 1." The Three Stooges.

Somebody's gotta listen!


Come on, fellas, we've got less than an hour to make our TV show.

Let's go!


-The studio! -Follow me, boys.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Three Stooges Scrapbook!


And now from Hollywood, California...

...The Three Stooges are on the air!

Hello, everybody, it's a great pleasure on this momentous occasion--

-Hey, hey, you're stealing my line. -Okay, say it.

On this monotonous occasion....

I knew it, why....

-Hey, this is getting monotonous. -It's momentous.

He got it too.

And now, youngsters, get set for that mad, zany, Three Stooge cartoon.

Roll the film, go, go, go!

-Boy, are they ugly. -Especially the one in the middle.

-Stop playing around! -Are you crazy? Hey, look at that.

-That fat fellow, he's a doll, isn't he? -Come on, go. Come on.

You wanna watch your remarks, boy.

Hello, boys. How would you fellows like to play mutiny?

-Mutiny? -Mutiny?

-What's that? -I'm glad you asked that.

-What's that? -I'm glad you asked that.

Well, gentlemen, I see that you've finally made it. Late as usual.

And now a word from your sponsor, Mr. Yuk Yuk himself.

-Mr. Galveston? -Of Galveston?

Correct. And I don't mind saying I'm considerable riled...

...because you got here so late. And I hear you been doing this quite often.

-But I can explain. -I don't want explanations.

And another thing, if you hombres can't come up with a different type...

...of cartoon show, it's gonna be the end of the trail.

What's wrong with what we're doing now?

-What kind of show do you want? -I couldn't tell you, boys.

I'm a businessman, not a showman.

I just want something better than ordinary cartoons.

-You've gotta come home with me. -We're in conference.

Our cartoons ain't ordinary.

I see the same thing on every cotton-picking show.

-Mr. Howard, please. -Go away, professor, you bother me.

On the other hand, if you can dream up something brand-new.

Oh, they'll never make it, G.G. Their contract expires in 10 days.

Okay, meet you here at 6:00 in 10 days.

And remember, a completely different kind of cartoon show...

...or you're all through.

Saddle up my Rolls-Royce, son, and I'll be on my way.

Right away, G.G.

Gentlemen, if your sponsor really wants something new...

...I think I've got it. Electronic cartoons.

-Electronic? -Exactly.

The most startling new process since the magic lantern.

-Boys, you help me and I'll help you. -Keep talking, grandpa.

-Come back home with me. -Wait a minute.

I wanna say that after you left, I caught that sneaking butler talking to Mars.

I tell you, they're getting ready to invade us with flying saucers.

I saw myself on his television set.

-He's in orbit again. -He's flying.

Boys, you've got to help me until my work is done.

Remember, only us four can save the world from destruction.

I'd hate to send for the wacky wagon, he's such a nice old oddball.

Besides, maybe he's got something to save our show.

I don't wanna find out. That joint gives me the creeps!

Me too. Did you see what that kooky butler did?

All of a sudden, I'm aiming a gun that ain't there.

Don't you jugheads realize we're in a spot?

You mean to tell me you'd let fear stand in the way of our careers?

-Yes! -Do you mean to tell me...

...that you're too chicken to face up to that kooky butler?

Yes!

-With three against one? -Absolutely!

Oh, absolutely?

Don't you know that we absolutely left all our clothes...

...and our only absolutely car up there, and you still refuse?

Absolutely!

We just took a vote, professor. It's unanimous. We're going.

Excellent, my car is right outside.

Ten days, 240 hours. You'll never make it. Goodbye, gentlemen.

-Au revoir. -Skip the gutter.

Break a leg.


Ogg and Zogg.


Here we are, gentlemen.

-What's the matter with you? -Moe, I'm scared.

-Me, that's who. -And me too.

-What's the matter, you chicken? -Yeah.

Have a little backbone. Follow me.


Carol!

Father, I couldn't imagine where you've been.

I didn't know that you were-- I thought you were--

Oh, this is Mr. Howard and his friends. They're staying with us for a while.

-My daughter Carol. -I'm pleased to meet you.

-Oh, the pleasure's ours. -Likewise, I'm sure.

I'm sorry if we scared you.

I didn't expect you back from New York for another couple months.

-I got some time off, so here I am. -It's wonderful to have you back, dear.

We've got something to attend to. We'll be right back, dear.

All right, Father. It's nice to have guests in the house again.

Gentlemen, this way.

I followed him right through there.

-Did you have your glasses on? -Glasses? No.

Oh, still chicken, eh? Get going, come on.

Look out for that first step!

Now he tells us.

Not here. Here, around the corner.

-I don't see no TV set. -Are you sure it was in here?

Of course I'm sure. It was right over here.

You better put your glasses on, pop.

Well, they could have been over there-- No, he was on the right...

...the television set was on the left, and that was right.

I just don't understand it.

He must have gone and taken that whole TV outfit with him.

I'll bet there's no electronic-cartoon gadget either.

I heard that, and that's where you're wrong, mister.

Come along with me, and I'll show it to you.

Hey, professor, that's some contraption you've got there.

Thank you, thank you. I don't know whether to call it...

...a seagoing heli-tank, a land-going heli-sub...

...or an airborne what-in-the-hel--

Excuse me. Anyway, it'll be interesting to see who'll win the battle for it...

...the Army, Navy or Air Force.

Gentlemen, this is the machine that is going to save our world.

Let's get to something really important.

Where's the gimmick that's gonna save our show?

Gimmick? Oh, that's over here.

Your sponsor will renew your contract in a minute...

...after he's seen what I can do with this.

Okay, put on your glasses.

My electronic process, gentlemen.

No artist ever touched this. The whole thing was drawn by a machine.

No artist, eh?

Boy, that's amazing.

Sensational!

Now, all I have to do is figure out how to make it move.

There's nothing like a hearty breakfast to start the day off.

You know, we ought to humor the professor...

...until he finishes that cartoon gizmo.

-Yeah, you never know. -Home cooking, home cooking.

Hey, get your hotcakes here!

Hey, fellas, the landlady!

Well, what can I say, fellas? When I heard the knocking, it rang a bell.

-Oh, it rang a bell? -Yeah, but I saved my hotcakes.

-Well, so you did. -Yeah, they're mine. I baked them up--

-Oh, my, what happened? -Well, it was an accident, professor.

See, this is the work of a birdbrained idiot.

Yeah, a birdbrained idi--

-Thank you. -How about me?

Yeah, and a mental midget. Go ahead.

Look, Father, the mail! The Army, the Navy and the Air Force.

I told you there'd be a scramble for my machine.

The Army.

"Professor Danforth. Dear sir, your invention is most interesting...

...but we feel the submarine feature makes it more suitable for the Navy."

-The Navy. -The Navy.

"The Navy feels the tank-tread feature makes your device...

...more suitable for the Army."

Listen to this from the Air Force.

"The airborne feature of your unique vehicle...

...opens up interesting possibilities.

Accordingly, the Air Force will accept your kind invitation...

...and send a representative, Capt. Andrews...

...who will be pleased to witness the tests that you propose.

Afterwards, if results warrant, we will consider a demonstration...

-...of the full-scale vehicle." -Oh, boy!

They're coming, they're coming! I knew they wouldn't turn me down.

-Congratulations, professor. -You sure put it over.

Thank you. You know, I stayed up late last night testing the model...

...and everything worked fine. Come, I'll show you.

Clean up this mess.

I'll clean it up when I'm ready.

-Oh, you will? -Yeah, when I'm ready.

-So? -So I'm ready!


Hello.

-I'm Capt. Andrews, Air Force. -Won't you come in?

Yes.

I'm Carol Danforth. I was hoping you'd come-- My father was hoping....

Well, he's right over here.

The remarkable thing about this model is that it operates...

...completely by remote control.

This is Capt. Andrews of the Air Force. My father, Professor Danforth.

-And our guests Moe and Larry. -How do you do, professor?

-Are you making a mistake! -I'm sorry, sir.

-That's a bigger mistake. -No, no, no. I'm Professor Danforth.

Yes, excuse me, professor.

Well, here she is, captain. What do you think of her?

-Wonderful. -When hard pressed by the enemy...

...it can take to the air, dash across country or dive underwater.

As a matter of fact, it even seeks out water.

First, I'll demonstrate how it operates as a tank.

See that, captain? It's gonna revolutionize the art of warfare.

It'll even revolutionize revolutions.

Remember, the big machine will do everything the little one does.

Could you ask for anything more?

No. Oh, no, no. Definitely not, it's excellent.

You know, captain, you're pretty sharp. The Army and Navy didn't--

They didn't get here in time. Of course, they're hot for it too, you know.

Prepare for the water test.

-Prepare for the water test. -Prepare for the water test.

Captain, nothing can stop this vehicle except this. Watch.

Captain, nothing can stop this vehicle except this. Watch.

Ready for the water test.

-Ready for the water test. -Thank you.

Now, when attacked by antitank weapons...

...the pilot has only to push a button.

Now, watch how it finds the nearest water.

Wait a minute, I gotta open the door.

Wait a minute!

-This way, captain. -Yes, this way, captain.

Right this--

Professor, I think it needs a little adjustment.

Oh, Carol, why don't you take the captain and talk things over?

Come on, captain, this way.

I don't understand.

Watch it, that thing's going berserk.

-Where is it? -I don't know.


Come in!

Who is it?

Get out of here! Go on!

Sounds like Curly-Joe. Come on!

It's running wild!

Hey, fellas! Hey, professor! The propeller!

What's going on in here?

Turn that thing the other way!

Shut it off! Shut it off!

Hi, fellas.

Oh, remote control!

Cover your eyes.

Moe, Larry's cheating.

What are you doing?


Shame on you.

Well, captain? Is the Air Force interested?

Oh, yes. I can assure you, sir, the Air Force is definitely interested.

That's wonderful!

The big machine will be ready to demonstrate next week.

My baby, I just love you!

That's it.


How you doing, boys? Not much time left.

Don't worry, you'll be showing it to the brass right on schedule.

Controls all checked out, professor.

Good, good, I'm working out all the bugs on the cartoon machine too.

-She'll be ready. -What a team.

-He's got the brains, and we've got-- -What?

-The enthusiasm. -That's better.


Larry! Joe!

-Shut it off! -Turn it off!

Shut it off!

-Joe! -Cut the motor off, Larry boy!

Pull the lever on the compression chamber.

Larry! Joe! Shut off this thing!

-Larry! Joe! Help! -Shut it off!

Hurry!

Shut it off, boys!

I'm sorry, Moe. It was an accident.

Oh. Well, this is on purpose.

Polka Dot. Sweetens the breath, brightens the teeth. Tastes like pizza!

Polka Dot toothpaste, for the smile of youth and beauty.

Polka Dot toothpaste, for the smile...

...of glamour and beauty.


-Wait a minute, lunkhead. -Why, what's the matter? I'm busy.

-You're busy? -Yeah.

Get another big bag of water. The airfield's in the middle of the desert.

So it's in the middle of the desert.

How you coming, professor?

Oh, this will do for the demonstration. My own secret fuel.

Got more get-up-and-go than anything ever on the market.

-I don't believe you said that. -Well, I did because it's true.

-Someone to see you, Father. -Hello.

-She's all gassed up and ready to go. -Wonderful.

I thought everything was set for day after tomorrow.

It is, but Col. Lane would like to have you at the base a bit ahead of time...

...to kind of go over the details.

He invited the area commander, Gen. Bixby.

-Gen. Bixby! -Tom's arranged to fly you there...

-...in his plane. I can go too. -If it's all right with you, sir.

-Yes. Oh, but the machine-- -Don't worry about that.

-We'll get her there okay. -Professor, you go with the captain.

-And leave the driving to us. -They'll take good care of it.

-No, I'm more familiar with it-- -See you at Baldwin Air Force Base.

I wouldn't want anything to go wrong, honey.

Don't worry, professor, you left everything in good hands.

Don't worry, professor, you left everything in good hands.

All right, let's get this mockingbird on the road.

Here.

Moe! Moe, we got a problem!

What do you mean, we got a problem?

All you have to do is drive this thing right through that door. What--?

Oh, no, it can't be.

Yes, it can. The machine is too big to go through the door.

-Get away from here. -What's that for?

That's for not thinking of it before. Now you guys get busy...

...and widen that door a few feet while I check the controls.

-So we'll widen the door. -All right, all right, take it easy.

-We'll widen the door. -Go get the tools.

The tools there. There's a dandy.

Yeah, you work on that side, and I'll work over here.

Pick out a good spot here.

-That ought to do it. -Hey, bubblebrain!

-What? -You're using the wrong side.

Wrong side? Oh, yeah.

How silly can you get?

-Wait, you're still doing it wrong. -What do you mean?

-You mind if I show you? -No, but I, I'm--

Look, take this. See, when you got a tool with two heads on it...

...and the first head is pointy, you take it right there and the pointy part...

...goes right in that wall there.

-That's where the pointy part belongs. -Yeah, how stupid can you get?

I don't know, I guess you can get pretty stupid if you're like me.

Boy, oh, boy.

Here we go.

Termites?

-Larry! Larry! -What's the matter?

-Did you hit yourself? -No, I didn't hit myself.

Something hit me through that hole there. Come right out, hit me.

-You see, you see. -You're crazy, there's nothing in there.

What do you mean, there's nothing there?

-Larry, Larry! Again. Again. -What did you do, hit yourself again?

Didn't hit myself again. It came through the hole again.

-Oh, don't bo-- -You'll see it. Look, can you see it?

-See it? -There's nothing there!

-Now get to work! -All right, so there's nothing there--

Oh, yeah? What--? Oh, no.


You're still playing around? We got work to do.

I ain't playing around with--

Good work, boys! At last, you did something right.

But, Moe, we didn't--

-Did we? -Come on, boys, hop aboard.

We don't want to keep the professor waiting.

Get in there, come on. Attaboy.

-I hope you can make it. -There's not very much room there.

Have no concern.

When I throw this throttle in, we will ease slowly through the opening.


Twenty-two minutes late! I can't wait for this thing much longer.

Sorry, general, but the captain assured me that it'd be here.

Here it comes!

Let's make a snappy entrance.

Believe me, this is going to be something you'll never forget.

Hey, boys! Right here!

There's the professor.

Hi, professor!


-It's Moe! Moe's driving it! -Come back here!

Look out, professor!

Shut her down, you bubblebrain.

Well, professor, perhaps your machine isn't quite ready yet.

Oh, yes, it is, sir. Besides, I want you people to have it...

-...before the Martians get it. -That's a very good--

-What did you say? -The Martians, they want it.

Look, the airplane!

-Put on your brakes! -I can't find a pedal.

-Use the emergency! -The emergency.

-You mean this? -Yeah.

The airplane!

-That was close. -You did it.

You got us over that, boy, you are a doll.

Col. Lane, get that ship off the field!

-Ground that thing, that's an order! -That's an order!

Don't look now, but I think we're being followed.

-Maybe we'll get a ticket. -Hey, can you get one for my friend?

Come on.

The bookstore!

Bookstore!

Up, up, up!

Easy does it. You came through again, Moe.

Bookstore! Come on, you idiot.

Look out, girls!


Hey, Moe, you're heading for the general!

Look out, you'll knock him on his brass!

See that that goes back where it belongs.

Eyes right!


Sir! I wish to report--

Now see here!

Oh, dear me.

-Andrews! -Yes, general?

What have you got to say?

Well, I'm sorry I listened to that old crackpot, sir.

-Father, we're going home. -Carol! Wait a minute, I'll take you.

No, thank you. This time we'll take the bus.

And leave the court-martial to us!


How do you like that? Visibility: zero.

-Yeah, and you can't see either. -No, you--

Get that map out of my face! You want me to wreck the ship?

I want to see what road we're on.

You applebrain, we haven't been on a road since we left the air base.

-How are we fixed for gas? -How are we fixed for gas?

Well, the arrow's pointing halfway...

...so I don't know whether it's half-empty or half-full.

-Remind me to wallop you later. -I'll make a note of it.

I'll do it now.


What are we stopping here for?

-What are you stopping for? -I didn't stop it. It's the engines.

Well, come on, we got a repair job to do.


You are about to witness a test of the Navy's new atomic depth charge...

...which has been placed at the base of this tower.

This is the bomb.

Powerful enough to destroy every enemy submarine...

...within a radius of 6 miles.

And utterly devastate an equal area on land.

The bomb is adjusted to maximum sensitivity.

The slightest contact with moisture will set it off.

However, for test purposes...

...it will be exploded by dropping water on it from this tower.

The countdown will now begin.

Gentlemen, put on your safety glasses.

Well, that takes care of the distributor. Just had a little sand in it.

-Give me the carburetor. -Give me the carburetor!

Give me the carburetor, give me the carburetor.

Here it is.

Seven, six....

Three, two....

-Hurry up! -Here you go.

One of those crazy desert cloudbursts.

What happened?

Gentlemen, I don't understand it.

That was enough water to detonate a dozen bombs.

-Boy that was tight, but I made it fit! -Yeah.

All it takes is a little know-how.

Hey, what are you doing, swimming in a mirage?

-No, fellas, I was just standing there-- -Yeah, yeah, just standing there.

Well, stop standing there and climb aboard!

Climb aboard, all right, climb aboard.

Down with the hatch!

There's some kind of vehicle out there.

Gentlemen, someone has stolen the bomb!

Security! Security, this is an emergency, an emergency!

All right, now, men, hear this. This is it.

Contact.

-Boy, what power! -If the professor could see us now!

All because we cleaned a little sand out of the distributor.

Yeah.

-Talent shows. -It does?

-Take over, I'll check the Fathometer. -Okay.

-Hey, we're not doing too bad. -Okay up there.

Hey, fellas, get a load of the news.

Officials of Los Amigos Proving Grounds...

...were thrown into consternation when a new atomic depth charge...

...was mysteriously stolen from its test site seconds before being detonated.

-How do you like those crooks? -Authorities warn...

...the tremendous destructive power of this bomb...

...will be unleashed at once on the slightest contact--

Can you imagine stealing an atom bomb?

It just shows you how stupid some people can get.

-Get away from there! -All right.

-As you were! -All right, I'm sorry.

-But it's disgusting, I'll say that. -Yes, you are.

Not me, the people who stole the bomb, stupid.

We're flying!


A lake. Full speed on the choppers!

We haven't gone underwater yet. Let's try the submarine bit.

You lamebrain, you saw what happened with sand in the distributor.

What will happen with water in the carburetor?

-So, what could possibly happen? -You could possibly get a busted skull!

All right, all right.

-We're flying! -We're in the air!

-Blue water. -Blue water.

Remember, keep your cotton-picking fingers off that orbit button.

-What do you think, I'm dumb? -I don't think, I know.

Well, I don't think you know either.


As I was saying, keep your cotton- picking fingers off the orbit button.

-What do you think I am, dumb? -I don't think, I know.

-Well, I don't think you know either. -Come on.

Hey, didn't we just do that?

-Did you see what I just saw? -A flying submarine?

-Flight 707 to Control-- -No, not a flying submarine.

-No, we didn't see it. -No, no, no, we didn't see a thing.

I know the boys did their best, but it's plain...

...my machine wasn't ready after all.

I just hope they didn't injure themselves.

I guess Tom was right, maybe I am just an old crackpot.

-Oh, Father, it's not true. -It is, Carol, it is.

As far as that flying buzz saw is concerned.

Not this camera, honey. This is gonna work just like I promised.

I'll make it up to them.


-Hi, professor! -Hi, Carol!

-Boys, boys, am I glad to see you! -We were so worried!

-I don't know what about. -We got news for you.

We made a few minor adjustments, and your chariot spins like a top.

You can tell the Air Force to order another demonstration.

-We'll really show them something. -In due time, due time, boys.

-Wait till you see the surprise I've got. -Surprise?

Okay, professor, don't get excited. Okay, what?

Well, here she is, fellas, all finished.

Hey, that's wonderful! But will it work?

Certainly! Don't you have any confidence in the professor?

Don't forget, boys, this is the 10th, the day your contract expires.

-You've only got until 6:00 tonight. -Six o'clock. By golly, he's right!

Don't worry, I'll get you under the wire. We'll make a test film right now...

-...and rush it to the studio. -You have things to do. I better get out of your way.

-Okay, Carol, good night. -We'll see you.

Move this thing around and get some lamps. We'll need lots of lights.

-We'll put it right about here. -Bring in that 10k over there, Larry.


Come over here and get yourself assembled in a position so I can....

Good, good! Now we'll get some makeup...

...and you'll be all set here. That's it. Very good.

-Oh, good. Yeah. -Yeah, and now.... That's it.

-That's it. Good. -Okay, professor.

Now, I'll get your special costumes. Don't worry about the makeup.

It's a special quick-drying polyunsaturated titanium.

Well, if it's that quick-drying polyunsaturated titanium...

-...what have we got to worry about? -You are very glib today, professor.

Well, thank you very much!

-What are you doing? Watch it. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch it--

That's it, the makeup. Just a little-- All right, all right, that's it.

Go ahead. Wait, a little bit under your eyebrows.

-Well, you take care of it, sir. -There you are. There.

-Just a dash. -Thank you. You are so kind.

Hi. Oh, Carol, please. Look, it's only fair to let the defense have its say.

-It seems to me you've had your say. -I wanna make up for it.

-To you as well as to your father. -My father's busy now.

Then I can explain it to you, and you can explain it to him.

It was utter chaos. I was nervous. I mean, after all, a general with a....

Carol, listen.

That does it. Now, how about a little act? Anything.

-I know something-- -How about the--?

Oh, sure! I got it, the thing they're all going daffy about!

-Got a radio, professor? -Over there.

-Okay. -Yeah, music, that's what we need.

What's the matter? Are you killing ants?

-No, that's the latest dance step. -Dance step?

-Sure. -If you say so.

Good, good!

We're rolling!


Deadline is 6, remember. You can wash up in there. I'll wait in the car.

-Gotta change clothes too. -Meet you at the studio.

-Okay, hurry now. -You look funny.

All right, come on, you abominable snowman.

-Go in there. -We'll get washed up--

-What a character. -Cut it out.

Boy, it's gonna feel good to get out of this stuff.

-Stop clowning and talk English. -Stop clowning and talk English.

It wasn't me. It was them guys.

-Who are those jokers? -Why, they're actors.

Can't you see the makeup? The professor probably hired them...

-...before we got here. -Foreign actors.

-Well, you're too late, boys. Beat it. -See your agent.

Get some of that off.


"Take the machine at once.

Destroy the Earth as you leave."

Destroy the Earth!

Give me the shovel.

Hey, Larry.

I knew you'd understand.

-Who are they? -I don't know.

Come on, Joe, we gotta stop those Martians.

Yeah, they're gonna blow up the whole world.

Oh, they can't do that! We won't get our social security.

Come on.

That gun wasn't there before.

-The boys! Moe! -Larry!

Hold it!

-They're gonna shoot! -Let's get out of here!

Not there! Here!

What--?

Operator, get me Air Force headquarters, Los Angeles. Hurry!


But, Gen. Bixby, I saw them with my own eyes.

They must be from outer space!

Now see here, Andrews.

Not content with wasting my time with that cockamamie washing machine...

...you have the colossal nerve to tell me it's been hijacked by Martians!

Send all available interceptors, alert all bases.

-An attack could come any moment! -Attack, eh?

Whom are you trying to kid?

Good heavens!

Hello, operator? Operator!

-Now the line is dead. -Maybe Father can help.

Get me Washington, get the chief of staff!

That's right, this is a red alert! Repeat, red alert!

That's right, scramble flights 6, 7, 8, 14 and 20!

I want every available plane in the air!


There's only one thing to do, men.

We've gotta get in and knock those freaks out.

We can't go in there. They've got the space guns.

-Yeah, Larry's right, but I got an idea. -Save it. I got a better idea.

We'll disable the engine, see? Then this crate has to go down.

-Yeah. -Come on.


-We got nothing to worry about now. -That's what you think. Look!

Get out of there!

You almost got a cheap haircut.

Hey, fellas, no! We're with you! We're on your side!

See, fellas! Look at that, they're going around, they're--

Look.

They're on the ground? Turn it over to the Army!

Elements of the Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard...

...are being mobilized to shoot down the invaders attacking the city from the sky.

Civil defense authorities are warning all civilians to keep off the streets.

Oh, no, not Disneyland!

What are you doing out there?

The Air Force!

The Army!

Get those planes back in the air!

The Army!

The Army! The Air Force!

Yeah, the Army! The Air Force! The Army!

They are? You're sure?

Adm. Willoughby.

They're over the ocean now. You're on.


Hey, fellas, look.

-Just like an atomic bomb. -Atomic bomb, you idiot?

Everybody knows an atomic bomb makes a great big flash.

A big flash--

Didn't they say on the radio yesterday an atomic bomb was stolen from the desert?

That's right. So where did all this sudden power come from?

Are you sure you handed me a carburetor back there in the desert?

-Well, I had sand in my eye. -You had sand in your brains too.

Come on, sandy, let's take a look.

Look, "AEC."

Automobile Exchange Company. See, it's a rebuilt carburetor.

AEC is Atomic Energy Commission. That's the bomb!

A bomb! Oh, Moe! Moe, what are we gonna do?

What do you usually do when somebody mails you a bomb?

I mail it back.

You birdbrain, you dunk it in water and put it out of commission.

-Oh, right. -Larry, go get the water.

-Sometimes I think you're dumb. -Dumb? Well!

Fantastic! Incredible! What do you say, Lansing?

-Oh, yes, yes, quite. -Quite.

Son, this here new process is exactly what I've been looking for.

-I kind of thought you'd like it. -Like it? I love it!

I'll double their salaries and give them a 10-year contract.

But they gotta be here on time, or it's no deal.

It's two minutes to 6 right now, G.G. They won't make it.

I know them, they're off dilly-dallying somewhere.

-Hey, the cannon. -Cannon?

If they ever hit those gasoline tanks, they'll blow the whole city up!

-Hurry up! -I'll get them.

Oh, no! Larry, Moe, I'm stuck! Help, help!

I'm stuck! Help!

-Hey, Moe, look! -A periscope! I'll take care of that.

Take it easy, kid!


Give me that. When I chop off this tower...

...it's gonna go down, so watch yourself.


--has just crashed into the sea off the California coast.

We repeat, the danger is over.

The machine carrying the invaders just exploded in the Pacific Ocean.

The invaders plummeted into the water...

...with a devastating explosion of atomic magnitude.

Navy sources report the huge mushroom cloud...

...is still visible for over 30 miles.

We repeat, the danger is over.

The machine carrying the invaders has exploded in the Pacific Ocean.

They'll never make it. Thirty seconds more and their contract expires.


Just in time!

Congratulations, boys! I never thought you'd make it.

A promise is a promise.

-We said we'd drop in. -On our heads?

If you can't lick them, join them!