The Trip to Italy (2014) Script

[projector whirring]


[cell phone ringing]

[cell phone continues ringing]

Hello?

Steve? Yeah.

Who's this? It's Rob.

Oh, hey. Hey.

- How are you?

Good. How-how are you?

Yeah, good. How is the show going?

Uh, just finished. Just starting the hiatus.

- Yeah, I know.

1-1 spoke to your agent.

Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews, another six lunches.

Really? - But this time in Italy.

Ma belle ltalia, yeah?

Beautiful countryside, beautiful wine, beautiful women, beautiful food.

What do you think?

Well, um...

And they?! fly you to Europe.

First class?

Or business or upper-class Virgin.

[bells tolling distantly]

This is according to The Observer-

"Nowhere in Italy compares with Piemonte

"for travelers looking for a combination of fine wines, "gastronomy, and beautiful countryside.

"The area to explore

"is just an hour's drive down the autostrada"

“from Turin, from Bra, through Alba, then Asti, "takes you through a panoply of vineyards

"producing Italy's greatest red wines:"

Batch, Barbaresco, Barbara.“ Hanna-Barbara.

[as Sylvester the Cat] Sufferin' succotash!

I thought I thaw a puddy tat!

I did! Pbbt!

[normal voice] "The Trattoria della Pasta"- uh, which is where we're going-

"is set in rolling hills clad with vineyards.

"This elegant trattoria is the ideal place for a romantic evening."

You know I'm not a homosexual, don't you?

No, we're not having a romantic evening.

We are gonna have a stimulating lunch.

Good. Good.

And if romance should occur, we'll deal with it as it happens.

The only time I'd ever snuggle up to you is if I was on the side of the Eiger, on a shelf, and not to do so would mean I'd freeze to death.

Well, in that situation, you know what you're meant to do.

You're meant to get as close to each other as you can.

I know. You have to spoon.

Spooning, yeah, yeah. I know.

Can wee on each other as well, and that's-

Well, that's where recreation meets survival, isn't it?

Yeah.

I've also sorted out the music, the iPod.

I've gone for a- a broad selection, a lot of Italian stuff, a lot of, um, opera, obviously.

Good. Good. Don Giovanni.

Rigoletto... [clears throat]

Uh, Verdi.

Then a smattering of Wales and the Welsh to tie in with the beautiful countryside.

Right, Verdi's sounding very, very appealing right now, I have to say.

I've got some Stereophonics and some Tom-

[grunts] Jones.

We're not gonna be doing any impersonations, are we?

Because we talked about that. No.

If I sing along, that's not an impersonation.

It just so happens I bear an uncanny resemblance, vocally and physically, to Tom.

What? 'Cause you look 75?

Why is this-

[dissonant chord plays] Ohh!

I promise you I haven't sabotaged the sound system because of my aversion to your karaoke inclination.

Why is- there's nothing at all.

[sniffs]

“Mm!

Bane.

That's actually-

That is-that is nice.

I'll take your word for it.

[speaking Italian] No, no, no, no.

Grazia. Grazia.

Seriously?

You're not drinking? No.

When did this come about?

I've not drunk for about nine months.

So you're not gonna drink at all on the trip?

Wow.

[indistinct conversations]

I'm surprised The Observer wanted you to do this again.

I mean... Well...

Neither of us know anything about- with respect-know anything about food, really.

I know a little bit about food.

Well, yeah, but you don't-

But when I wrote the last ones, I concentrated not so much on the food.

It was more a journey. It was the culture.

It was-it was Wordsworth and Coleridge.

Now ifs gonna be Byron and Shelley.

It just feels odd doing something for a second time.

You know, ifs like second album syndrome, isn't it?

Everyone has this amazing, expressive first album, where they put everything into it, and the second album's a bit of a damp squib.

Ifs like trying to do a sequel, isn't it?

It's never gonna be as good as the first time.

- Godfather ll.

Which is the one that people always mention when they try to search for an example of a sequel that's as good as...

[as Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

What's this licking thing you always do?

You look like some sort of...

[normal voice] It's what Pacino does.

Small gecko.

[laughs] That's what he does.

[as Al Pacino] Just when I thought I'd made two terrific movies, they go and make another!

I'm back in.

Ifs okay; he's just doing an impersonation.

Ifs fine.

[indistinct conversations]

Look at Byron.

You know, Childe Harold made him the most popular poet in all of Europe, and when he wrote that, he did the first two cantos, right?

And he said, "if this is a hit, I'll write more."

If ifs not a hit, I won't do any more."

You should do the same at the end of your shows- promise the audience you won't do any more if they don't like it.

At the end of my successful tours and live shows?

[indistinct conversations]

Oh. Okay.

Oh, gosh. [speaking Italian]

Grazia. [speaking Italian]

- Grazia. Pnego. Buon appetite.

- Grazia. Molto grazie.

- Mmm.

That is lovely.

Childe Harold, Byron wrote, was a thinly veiled self-portrait.

I was aware of that.

Thought we could do a similar thing with you, Childe Stephen, follow you on your travels and-

Well, it wouldn't be a pseudonym, would it?

'Cause I'm called Stephen.

Byron wasn't called Harold.

No. Was he?

He was actually George Gordon Lord Byron.

Gordon.

Understandably, he, um-

Ditched the Gordon.

He ditched the Gordon.

[chuckles] It's not a romantic name.

Ifs not a poet's name, Gordon, no.

Ifs not.

Gordon Byron on line three.

Oh, God, tell him I'm not in.

[laughs] He does my head in.

So Childe Stephen- we'll do it as an article, turn it into a Sunday night serial on BBC One.

Who plays you?

A Sunday night costume drama about my life?

Yeah. Who plays you?

It could happen.

Who plays you?

Play myself.

You couldn't do that- It's "childe."

It's meant to be like a young marl.

You could have Jude Law.

Jude Law's 40-plus.

He doesn't look it, does he?

He hasn't aged like you and I.

Well, he's balding.

Yeah, but he's got that face, he does.

He's got that really young bald look.

[indistinct conversations]

When you played Alan Partridge- you know, when he was popular- you-he was more known than you.

And, of course, he was older than you.

But with me, with The Rob Brydon Show, my name is in the title.

I sort of push that. Yeah.

If I were in a bar in a hotel in Britain, right, and I wanted to have a drink with a girl, I couldn't do it, 'cause there would be an assumption- "Oh, what's he doing?"

Go and chat to Rob Brydon? Yeah.

People think I'm affable.

Affable. That's what I-

Well, you are. I'm affable. I'm affable.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm an affable man.

I'm not disagreeing with you.

But my public persona is even more affable than I actually am.

I'm not as affable as people think I am.

You've made an affable rod for your own back.

Yes.

Yes, and I'm not saying I'm not affable.

I am affable.

We're agreed there.

But I'm not as affable as perhaps I've given people cause to think.

Crystal clear.

So out here, I can be off the leash.

I can-I can let my hair- what is left of it- down.

Yeah.

And, you know, have a good time.

[indistinct conversations]

[speaking Italian]

Oh, lovely.

[speaking Italian]

- Mmm.

[speaking Italian]

- Grazia mills.

[speaking Italian] Buon appetite.

Grazia.

You know, there's a publisher who is very interested in putting these articles into a book, a Christmas stocking book.

How do they think they're gonna get six articles and turn it into a book?

Well, we would also do the ones from the Lake District, from the English ones.

What did you think of them?

I didn't read them. I was in America, acting.

They were a lightly fictionalized account of your adventures in the north of England.

How were they lightly fictionalized?

The names were changed to-

What about my name?

We kept your name, but the girls' names were changed.

So how do they know ifs fictionalized if it says

"Steve Coogan's Adventures in the Lake District"?

Did you say, "[Penned by Rob Brydonl"?

No?

Not in the traditional sense. No, no.

But then I did do the work for you, didn't I?

- Mmm.

Bellissimo. [smooches]

What do you think on the mini, then?

You enjoying it?

L'm_ I'm pleasantly surprised.

Ifs a nice car.

And to drive it in Italy...

Yeah?

What? You see what I'm getting at.

Yeah, The Italian Job. Exactly, yeah.

I was wondering whether you'd actually booked the mini in Italy...

Well...

- The Italian Job, just to give you the opportunity to say...

[as Michael Caine] "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

But I've done it now, so hopefully thafll be an end to it.

Do your Michael Caine.

Did you see him in The Dark Knight Rises?

[as Michael Caine] And his voice gets even more emotional than ifs ever done in the past before.

I don't want to bury you, Batman.

I will not put you into the ground in a little box.

I will not do it, Master Bruce. I will not do it.

[as Michael Caine] I'm not gonna bury another Batman.

Another Batman?

How many Batmans has he been burying?

How many are there?

[as Michael Caine] I've buried 14 Batmen so far.

I've buried 14 Batmen.

Their little pointy ears into the box.

I'm not gonna bury another nylon cloak with pointy ears that people wear at birthday parties.

With the little belt- the very wide belt that is flattering to a man with an expanded girth.

I won't do that to you, Master Bruce.

I will not do it to you.

And I won't make the voice like that.

[wavering voice] The voice goes even more like that.

He's basically yodeling.

[both yodeling] Yodel-ay-he-hoo!

[normal voice] And then Christian Bale says...

[as Christian Bale] "You wanted to see me."

And when he says that like this, he puts his tongue up in front.

"I don't want to be a madman.

I don't want to be a normal guy."

You sound deaf.

[speaking indistinctly]

[normal voice] It's so nobody can recognize him.

[as Michael Caine] I can't understand a word you're saying, Master Bruce.

Talk to me as Master Bruce, not as Batman.

Why-why does he- [speaking indistinctly]

So he can have the cloak of anonymity.

But he doesn't sound- you said, "Here's that bloke in the cloak with the- who sounds like he's deaf again," that is not anonymous, is it?

[muffled voice] I'm deaf hero.

No wonder when Batman arrives and starts speaking like that, everyone starts looking at their shoes.

'Cause they're all thinking, "Oh, God, why does he talk like that?

Poor fella." You know?

And what about Tom Hardy as Bane?

Did you catch a single word?

They're, like, competing to see who's the most- the least understandable.

[as Bale] Bane, you're never gonna beat me.

You'll never beat me.

[wheezing, speaking indistinctly]

[inhales sharply, burps]

[speaking indistinctly] Wind.

[normal voice] Take off your mask, love.

I can't catch a word you're saying.

Oh!

[muffled voice] I was saying-

[speaking indistinctly]

He's a wonderful actor. Don't get me wrong.

No, he's very good.

Tom Hardy's very, very muscular, so he's a terrific actor.

No, he's a bit-he's good.

He's scary good, scarily good. But...

[speaking indistinctly]

I don't-I don't-

I don't-do you know what I think that is?

I think that they both are very formidable actors...

Yes. Very charismatic...

Yes.

A little bit scary. Yes.

Can you imagine a first A.D. going up to one of them, going, "Um, the director thinks"

"he can't quite understand what you're saying.

Do you want to try a different voice?"

[muffled] What did he say?

"Do you want to try a different voice?"

Oh, certainly not.

"The director's just a little bit worried that maybe people can't understand what you're saying."

[speaking indistinctly]

Stick your foot up his fucking ass too.

"Okay. All right. All right.

"No, um, Tom says he's quite happy

"with the voice he's got at the moment, and he's happy to go with that."

[as Bale] What are you doing?

I'm on a set filming a scene.

Is something wrong with you?

"No, I'm just relaying what the director said, Christian."

Well, if he got something to relay, the fucking guy comes and fucking tells me!

[muffled murmuring] "Yes, no, I understand."

[as Bale] Don't you worry about it, Tom.

Ifs fine. [muffled murmuring]

"Yeah. They're both upset now.

Okay' u

[as Bale] He can just say it in front of me...

[speaking indistinctly]

"Is this not something we could fix in post?

Because I think you opened a can of worms."

[speaking indistinctly]

"I know. I know. I'm on your side.

"I know. I understand perfectly, Tom.

"And, Christian-no, you too.

Yes. No, I understand."

[muffled] We're all in the same scene.

'That's what I told him. I think he's-I think he-

"Yeah. Shall I? He says ifs fine.

Just-just go with the voices."

Fucking halle-fucking-Iujah. "Yeah, okay."

[speaking indistinctly]

[conversation in Italian]

I like Tom Hardy. I couldn't do what he does.

I couldn't do it. Neither could you.

But then he couldn't do- he couldn't do what I do.

When you're saying something like, "See in store for details"...

No way he could do that. No, no, no.

[speaking indistinctly]

Sorry? Where do I look for details?

And what's the thing where you have to talk really quickly, with the disclaimer at the end?

"Your home may be at risk if you don't keep up

"repayments on your loan taken out.

Terms and conditions may apply."

No projection. If you project, you add time.

Yeah.

Now, Hardy-

[speaking indistinctly]

You got through it. Well, yeah.

Look, I'm a pro. I'm a pro.

I can't be any other way.

But your average family, in the middle of Comnation Street-

"'What the hell is that?"

They're throwing things.

They're throwing the remote at the screen.

Mm, yeah. No, no, I'm with you.

I can "Hardy" understand what he's saying.

Mm, I wouldn't say that to his face, though.

No, never. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Never.

If I see him- "Loved Batman.

"Some people said they couldn't understand you.

They're just wrong." Yeah.

[speaking Italian]

Oh, wow, look at that. Yeah.

[speaking Italian]

Grazia.

Grazia. [speaking Italian]

- Ah. Grazia. Grazia.

Look at that. Do you know what?

That's just...

There's a lovely- Mmm!

Lovely...

Mmm... Game.

Mmm. We're both eating game.

- Mmm.

Game's very good for you.

- Mmm.

Because living in the wild, ifs had lots of nutrition.

Ifs been eating wild-

It's been-this is- Been exercising.

On the run, very fit, exercise.

So if you were to eat Mo Farah...

Yeah.

It'd be fantastically beneficial.

Ifs the equivalent of eating Mo Farah if you were in a plane crash with him.

Yeah. Yeah.

If you were in a crash with him...

In the Andes. In the Andes...

I'd eat him first- if he was dead.

What if he was mortally wounded, you know there was no chance of him surviving, and he'd lost all feeling in his lower body?

Would you start to eat those fantastic legs?

No, 'cause that would be rude.

Keep in the freshness-

No, no, there's no rudeness. He's gonna die.

He's already paralyzed from the waist down.

"Mo, Mo, you know you're not gonna get up again."

If you put a tent up halfway along and you distracted him by chatting to him...

Yeah. Possibly.

About his glories at the Olympics, reliving those moments- "You united the nation, Mo.

You were wonderful." Well, you know what?

Ifs a bit of a silly conversation, but if you- but given a choice, I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs than yours, and that's not-

Well, there's gonna be a lot more benefit in them.

I'd be the first to admit.

Only a fool would eat my legs over Mo Farah's legs.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think who I'd eat your legs over.

Um...

Stephen Hawking.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

Although I'd definitely eat his brains first...

Yeah. Before yours.

Well, that was just right.

Shall I drive?

You've had three glasses of Barolo.

I haven't had any.

All right, but I am gonna drive at some point on this trip.

Perhaps. To be discussed.

I can drive in the mornings, have a bottle at lunchtime, and then...

[engine turns over]

Slump in the passenger seat in the afternoon.

What are you doing in the boot?

Just getting some music.

One CD.

Sounds ominous.

Not Tom Jones, is it?

Alanis Morissette.

You're kidding me.

Ifs, uh, Sally's.

[exhales sharply]

My wife.

Ah, yeah.

[sighs]

[seat belt clicks]

Shall, uh-shall we?

Uh... Nah.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Uh, hey, Dad. It's Joe.

Oh, hello. How are you?

- Uh, I'm okay. Where are you?

I'm in Italy with Rob- Rob Brydon.

- Buongiomo! Yeah.

That's him talking Italian, like a native.

No. Yeah.

So maybe ifs better you and I talk later on Skype at the hotel.

Yeah, all fight. Okay.

Good. All right.

Speak to you later. Bye.

Yeah. Ah, well. Teenagers.

He's, uh-he's in Ibiza with his mum and Mamie.

Ah.

Wondered why you were so willing to come away when you could have been with your kids.

You don't get to see them very much, do you?

Well, that's-that's why I'm quite glad that, uh, Pathology hasn't been picked up for a third series.

Yeah, so-plus, I'm- I'm just tired of L.A., really.

So your hiatus has been indefinitely extended.

Yes, through the summer to the autumn but hopefully not as far as the winter.

Ifs a midlife hiatus.

Your mini hiatus is a midlife hiatus.

You still want to get your photograph taken outside Byron's house?

Yes.

The publishers want photos for the book.

[horn honks]

1822 to 1823.

Ifs only one year he lived here?

That's just a holiday, that.

This was just before he died.

He was essentially on the run from England

'cause he'd, you know, slept with his sister, sodomized his wife and some young boys.

Yes, some of that is out of order.

Is it "Alahnis" or "Alannis"?

Ifs "Alahnis."

How do you know that?

Because I just decided.

And that's-that's good enough. Right.

Because in America, people just call themselves what they want.

I'm sure her dad's probably called "Alan."

In which case it would be "Alan-is."

Uh, not necessarily.

I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of blokes in America called Alan say ifs "Alahn."

[laughs]

[American accent] Hi, I'm Alahn.

I got some properties down at Boca Vista.

I'd love you to take a look.

And "Morissette"- ifs probably that she was a Morrissey fan and decided to call herself a Morissette.

[laughs]

She's not American, though.

I will pick you up on that.

Alanis is Canadian.

Avril Lavigne, in many ways, is the young person's Alanis Morissette.

You know, I don't want to be-

I don't want to do down a young performer, but she's no Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette is authentic, an authentic voice.

So you do like Alanis Morissette.

Yes!

Relative to Avril Lavigne.

Come on, then.

All right, let's have a nostalgia trip back to 1995, when we were both but 30 years old.

That's why Sally loves it. She was only 20 then.

[Alanis Morissette's All I Really Want playing]

Do I stress you out? ♪ Yes, you do.

J' My sweater is on backwards and inside out ♪

♪ And you say, how... l'

How appropriate. ♪ Appropriate ♪ You know, I can see the appeal in a woman like this.

Volatile women are always sexy when you first meet them, but two years down the line, you're sort of saying things like, "Can you just put the lids back on these jars, please?"

"I admire you taking a stand against society's mores by wearing your jumper inside out."

Yeah? "But enough is enough."

Exactly.

[music continues]

"And I am frightened by

"the corrupted ways of this land.

"If only I could meet my maker.

"And I am fascinated by the spiritual man.

I am humbled by his humble nature."

Do you know what?

It is music that appeals to neurotic teenage girls, but ifs actually rather good.

Byron appealed to teenage girls.

Very true, very true.

- L' And all I really want I'

♪ is deliverance 1'

♪ But how ♪

[seagulls squawking]

Look at that.

Doesn't get much better than that, Rob.

Absolutely stunning. Gorgeous.

- La Dulce Vita.

We're living the dream.

Ifs funny, isn't it?

Women that age just look straight through us, don't they?

Nonthreatening.

Yeah, they don't even find us threatening.

They don't even find me lascivious, because they think I couldn't possibly be thinking like that.

The one in the blue top looks like a younger me, a younger, idealized version of me, a lovely hybrid of Springsteen and Pacino.

He's like you, uh, after a computer has- has corrected all your deficiencies.

He's an airbrushed me. Isn't he?

He's like the best surgeon in the world has been given a year with you.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

There was a- there was a time when I used to make eye contact with a woman, and she'd flash a smile back, and that's all it would be, just a little moment.

Those-those women just, uh- they just- the smile you get from them is the smile they give to a benevolent uncle.

Or a pest.

Well, let's just look this way.

Nature never disappoints you.

No rejection.

Quite rough, though. Yeah.

Supposed to be getting a boat tomorrow, going to the Bay of Poets.

Are we?

Yeah. Where Byron swam.

Hello?

Hey, Dad. Hey.

So... Ibiza, party central.

- Ciao, bellissima.

Hi.

Hey. How are you?

- Pm okay, sort of.

Chloe's still awake.

What?

I can't get her to go to sleep.

She miss her papa?

Stick her on, and I'll say good night to her.

No, I don't think that will help.

I think it'll only make it worse, Rob.

All right, well- She's crying again.

I'm sorry. We got to go, dafling.

You know, it'd pmbably be more fun if there- you know, if my friends were here.

But, you know, they're all off in London having fun, and I'm stuck here by myself.

Pm 16.

Mum keeps treating me like I'm a child.

I mean, I'm old enough to join the army, and according to her, I'm not old enough to just be at home by myself.

Yeah, well, I think they should raise the age level for entry to the army, actually.

All right, then. So long, love. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

[breathes deeply]

Ciao, bellissima.

Ciao, bellissima.

Que belle ragazza.

Que belle ragazza.

[as Al Pacino] Oh!

[coughs]

Ciao, bellissimo.

Que bella- Yeah!

Rflqazza! [Qrunts]

[as Tom Jones] ♪ Think I better dance now ♪ Que bella- what a beautiful-

[grunts] Ragazza.

Girl. [grunts]

I think you got a wonderful tone to your voice, and I want you on my team.

Oh!

[seagulls squawking]

_ Okay' _ Okay'

Right.

Permission to come aboard?

Sorry. I don't need help. No. I'm fine.

_ okay?

That's fine.

All right. Okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

If you just step-yeah?

Is this the, um...

Is it the actual boat?

'Cause I thought-

I was expecting something a bit bigger.

A little smaller than I was expecting as well.

I'll be very honest with you. [chuckles]

Look at that!

WOW!

This is our boat, Patience.

Patience is a virtue.

That is beautiful.

Hi.

Oh, hello. Thank you.

Lovely boat, lovely way to travel.

Yeah, so the first stop is San Fruttuoso, where you'll have lunch.

[as Richard Burton] "My soul is an enchanted boat, "which, like a sleeping swan, doth float upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing."

That's Shelley, read by Burton.

Rob can't do poems in his own voice because he lacks conviction.

[as Alan Bennett] "My soul is an enchanted boat, "which, like a sleeping swan, "doth float upon the silver waves of thy sweet singing."

[man speaking Italian over radio]

[indistinct conversations]

[children shouting indistinctly]

Pnego. [speaking Italian]

- Grazia mills.

Ooh. Ooh.

Look at this. Lovely.

"50,000 Leagues Under the Sea."

It is a bit- ifs very Jules Verne, this starter, I have to say, yeah.

We're squids in.

Squids in. 6 quid.

Ohh, I've got the squids.

Very nice, isn't she-Lucy?

' “Mm!

Not the squid. Lucy. Mmm.

Ifs not very Italian, though, is it, you know, hanging out with some British Sloane woman?

If you look at Shelley and Byron, they were always staying with English people, all the expats.

That's how it was, you see?

You know, when you're in L.A., I bet you are at Soho House on a Saturday afternoon, watching football on the TV with Robbie Williams.

No, I don't hang out with Robbie Williams.

When I am in L.A., I do what Byron actually did when he was traveling, which is hang out with local people.

Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Matthew Perry, Owen Wilson.

You hang out with Owen Wilson or you occasionally work with Owen Wilson?

I know you've been a miniature soldier with him, but do you actually hang out with him?

We run together on the beach.

Is he aware that you're running?

Is he running away from you?

I mean, there's a distinction here.

I could say I've been running on the beach with Robert De Niro, when, in fact, I'm furiously chasing after him, and he's running for his life.

What are you doing there?

Just having a bit of wine.

You know, when in Rome. Wow.

When in Italy.

I'm your enabler.

Yeah.

I'd love to talk to some of these locals.

Byron said, "I love the language, that bastard Latin, "that melts like kisses from a female mouth.

"It sounds as if it should be writ on satin with syllables that breathe of the sweet south."

[shouting in Italian]

Watch your heads.

William, the men are not happy.

[as Anthony Hopkins] Oh, "William," is it?

Not "captain" or "sir"?

Well, you can tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope, and we'll sail around the Horn.

You turned your back on me, man.

God damn your eyes! God damn your eyes, man!

You turned your back on me!

He's doing Anthony Hopkins.

Don't worry- It'll pass.

Well, you tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope and sail around the Horn.

Around the Horn, the quick way round the Horn we shall go, sir!

Around the Horn we shall go, sir!

Damn your eyes! Cover him-

Damn your eyes!

Damn you, Mad Max!

You turned your back on me, man!

Don't turn your back on me!

Round the Horn we're going!

The quicker way round the Horn we shall go.

Hey. Hi.

Ooh, careful.

[grunts] Oh, yeah.

Not too rough for you?

No, no, ifs fine.

You enjoying it?

Yeah, this is fantastic, wonderful.

Steve's having a little sleep.

Had a drink, so, uh, at his age, he needs a nap after lunch, or he gets confused.

How old is he?

He doesn't like me to say. Oh.

Doesn't like me to share that.

Does he drink a lot?

Well...

So this is the anchor. [chuckles]

And then if you want to stop somewhere, you drop the sail; is that right?

Where are you from, then? Wales, right?

Wales, South Wales, Port Talbot.

Oh, I love the accent.

Do you? Yeah, ifs beautiful.

Seriously? Yeah, ifs really lyrical.

[as Richard Burton] To begin at the beginning.

Just got to make your mouth very-

"To begin..." [deep voice] To begin.

Yes, you have to- to push your lips out.

"'To begin.... "

[both laugh]

To begin at the beginning.

[deep voice] To begin...

[opera music playing]

J "J"

It's a lovely house.

I mean, ifs better than Byron's, isn't it?

You got a lovely balcony there.

Look out over the bay.

See if you can get my face and it in so ifs legible.

Don't look ironic. I'm not.

Ifs not the most flattering angle, but ifs got all the information, so...

[camera shutter clicks]

Did you like it? Was it nice?

It was-it was a bit busier than I was expecting.

Spoiled by tourism. Yeah.

Yeah, when Shelley lived there, it would have been deserted.

Yeah?

Do you want to go back to San Fruttuoso?

Yes. It was lovely there.

[opera music continues]

[speaking Italian]

[seagulls squawking]

Come and have a drink!

' Okay!

Mm.

Yep. I've still got it.

A bit shocked, aren't you? Not really.

I've always told you that it was a possibility.

' [sighs]

You know, you're an acquired taste, but, you know...

Something quite about melancholy about this place, isn't there?

Ifs like getting stranded on a desert island.

Yeah, only not as hot.

"Desert" doesn't mean hot.

"Desert" just means there's no people there.

There still can be water. It just means "deserted."

Yes, I know that. I know that.

Don't you think everything's melancholic once you get to a certain age?

I do.

Garrison Keillor said, 'When you're under 40, "seeming unhappy makes you look interesting, "but once you're 40 and beyond, "you got to do everything you can to smile.

Otherwise, you just look like a grumpy old man."

Morrissey.

Byron was famously gloomy.

What will people remember of us in 200 years' time?

U.

That's a big "if."

If we are.

Either of us are remembered.

I would say that ifs- it would probably be me.

What would they- what would they most remember?

What would be celebrated about you, do you think?

Six BAFTAs.

You've got five BAFTAs.

Yeah, but I'll probably get a lifetime achievement.

True. Yeah, you will. More if I survive.

You could have it posthumously.

I like to think if you did win it posthumously, I'd be the one to accept it on your behalf.

Unless, of course, if I was the architect of your death, in which case I'd still like to receive it from my cell via satellite link.

Yeah.

Thrilled to have this.

You know, I killed Steve for the good of mankind.

Do I regret what I've done?

Not really, because I think the world's-

Lights out! Got to go. Good-

Brydon!

Lights out, you nonce!

Uh, yeah, that's not what I'm in for, but I accept it as a general derogatory term.

[deep voice] Come on, Rob. Come to bed.

[chuckling] All right, Melvin.

I'll be a minute.

Anyway, that's all from me. I want a cuddle.

[laughing] Yeah, ifs all right.

I'll give you a cuddle. Please just wait.

Um, so anyway, on Steve's behalf, thanks for this.

He would have loved it, but, you know, he's gone-

Come on. Yeah, all right.

I'm horny! I want to go on the inside.

[laughs]

Of the bed, of the bed, of the bed, not the inside of the inmate- the inside of the bed.

[engine humming]

I better go and call Joe.

See you in a bit.

[sighs]

So how did you end up here?

Hmm.

My boyfriend had a boat.

We sailed together.

Then when we broke up, I had to find work, so I got a job on the crew.

Must be fun.

Sometimes.

Do you have children?

No.

I Wish I did.

Do you?

Yeah.

I've got a daughter, Chloe.

She's three.

[chuckles] Aww.

[chuckles]

She's gorgeous.

Do you miss her?

Yeah.

Ifs been two days, so I'm...

[laughs]

I'm not pining, but... [chuckles]

[as Hugh Grant] ls thy face like thy mother's, fair, my child?

Chloe: sole daughter of my house and heart.

When last I saw thy young blue eyes, they smiled, and then we parted.

Is that your Hugh Grant impression?

Yes, I'm afraid it is. Yes, yes.

[laughs]

I think that Steve's absolutely right.

I do find it very difficult to- uh, gosh, crikey- say a poem, uh, unless ifs somebody else's voice.

And Hugh just happened to be passing, you know, on-on the beach.

And he popped over for a blow... [laughs]

By-blow account of what was going on.

[chuckles]

"Sorrow is knowledge.

'They who know the most

"must mourn the deepest o'er the fatal truth.

The tree of knowledge is not that of life."

[seagulls squawking]

[exhales sharply]

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

[birds chirping]

You okay?

Yes. Fine.

How was last night?

Fine.

You want to elaborate?

I don't want to talk about it, and that's not the cue for an ABBA song.

Well, I think when most people say they don't want to talk about it, it means it didn't go very well, but with you, I'd infer that, uh, it- it went pretty well.

Yeah. Too well.

Ifs not how I imagined it would be.

I've never seen so many deck chairs.

See, you got Shelley upon his funeral pyre, Byron staring wistfully into space.

That's Trelawney.

He's the guy that commissioned the boat, so...

Oh, that's a bit awkward.

Hence he's staring at his feet.

They wouldn't sue in those days, not like they do now.

Have you been injured at work while composing romantic poetry on a boat?

Call now! Yeah.

0800-471-471.

You could win up to £5,000.

Like Mr. Shelley-

Guineas. Guineas.

You could win up to 5,000 guineas, like Mr. Shelley from the U.K.!

They wouldn't have called it the U.K.

Like Mr. Shelley from Great Britain!

But this is a very idealized version of everything.

I mean, he wouldn't have looked like that.

He'd been bobbing around for two weeks, so he'd have been bloated beyond belief.

Everything looks better in a painting, doesn't it?

I sometimes think that one day, I will be- and so will you- on a slab.

YEP-

You'll have a little tag round your toe, and somebody will be there embalming you.

Yep. Ever think that?

'Cause it is gonna happen.

Unless you're lost at sea, and we cannot find you, which is unlikely...

Oh, God.

You will one day lie on a slab.

Ah!

You will. You will.

Ifs better to accept it.

You're gonna be on a slab. Yeah.

And then- and you'll be naked.

Then somebody else will dress you.

Yeah, but I'd do-

I would imagine, with you, that will happen sometime before you actually die, somebody else dressing you.

I see you in your later years...

[laughs]

Having to be dressed.

I will. You will.

And I'll be dressed by a very attractive young nurse.

Yeah, but you'll be able to do nothing with her.

You'll be able to do absolutely nothing with her, 'cause only your mind- you'll be like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and your mind will still be as active as it is now.

I'll still be able to sort of clasp her hand as she walks away.

No, there'll be no groping at all, and that will absolutely kill you from the inside, because she'll lean over you, knowing, and she'll taunt you with her breasts.

And there'll be nothing you can do.

And I'd love to be there. I would love to be there.

I don't know what films you've been watching.

Do you know what I do? I read for Steve.

"You heard what Rob Brydon does for Steve?

"Steve is more or less a vegetable, but Rob goes every day and reads."

And the only reason I do it is to be there, watching you unable to reach out to your Filipino nurse, knowing how much ifs hurting you.

All right, just a quick one.

Look at that hair.

George Michael in the Careless Whisper video.

Why do we have to do this?

A picture is worth 1,000 words.

[camera shutter clicks]

[birds chirping]

The sign says go the other way.

Yeah, but the sat nav said go this way.

Well, I think the signs were right, and I'm the navigator.

[birds chirping]

It would help if we got over 40 miles an hour.

All right.

See how I changed down, then? Yeah.

I love the crunch sound that you made when you did it as well.

[birds chirping]

I'm hungry, so let's just stop at the first place we come to.

[speaking Italian]

Care to explain this?

[laughs]

[as Dudley Moore] Oi, here.

What are you doing with Casanovds autobiography in your sandwich box?

[normal voice] It's just research. That's all.

Just gonna plump up the articles with a bit of, um- bit of culture, you know.

The, um- this is just extracts.

The full thing is 800 pages.

How long was your book, your autobiography?

[sighs] I can't remember.

300? ZOO-and-something? 300?

200 of that has got to have been padding.

There's not much padding.

I'll be very honest with you. Have you read it?

No, of course not. No.

I mean, I've skimmed the index in WHSmith's, saved myself the £1.99.

Ah.

Ravioli.

I see. Pasta.

- Grazia mills.

You know we're not that far from the hotel.

You know that, don't you? About 10 miles.

I know.

Because I checked a thing called a map.

Ifs what they used to use in the olden days, Rob.

Fine, so when we get to the hotel, we'll enjoy the hotel.

Yeah, I know.

We could have been eating there now.

This is good. What's wrong with this?

Nothing wrong with it.

This is good ravioli.

"He possessed two of the most

"important ingredients of greatness:

"total self-confidence and super-abundant energy.

"He feared nobody.

He was equally at home in a palace or a tavern..."

Tick, tick, tick.

"A church or a brothel." Tick.

"He was totally devoid of a sense of morality.

Love for him"... Well, that's not me.

"Had no connection with evil.

It meant pleasure, pure and simple."

That's not me. I've got a moral compass.

Oh, yes, you have a moral compass.

Ifs just you don't know where it is.

Grazia.

Pnego.

Hello.

Hey. How's it going?

Great, great. We're a bit-

Well, ifs all right. We're a bit lost.

Oh, dear. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I am just calling to remind you that I'm coming out tomorrow...

Oh, great. That's good.

With Yolanda, the photographer.

What, the same photographer as last time?

Yeah, um... ls-is that okay?

Uh... Well, who booked her?

I don't know. I think it was The Observer.

Is that a problem?

Because I could always try and change it.

[sighs] No, no, that would be rude.

No, just-we'll- I'm sure it'll be fine.

All right, great.

Good for you. [chuckles]

All right, well, listen, I'!!-

I'll see you tomorrow. Can't wait.

All right, lovey. Take care. Ta-ra.

[indistinct conversations]

So the photographer who's coming tomorrow is the same one... we had last time.

Really?

Yeah. Yolanda.

Oh, the one you slept with?

Yeah. Oh.

Is that gonna be awkward?

Be interesting.

How do you do it?

Just take your trousers off.

Serious question.

And your underpants, socks optional.

[laughs]

I'm seriously asking you, how do you do it?

Ifs reputation.

You're famous.

[sighs] No.

Although I don't see any reason to not use everything you've got in your arsenal.

People say, "She only slept with you 'cause you're famous."

You say, 'Well, she only slept with you

"'cause you're good-looking and young."

[birds chirping]

Wow.

Look at that.

Isn't that beautiful? Yeah.

So you have reserved the Duke of Genoa suite and the Napoléon suite.

Which is bigger?

Oh, both are very nice.

Yeah? Yes.

I think I should have the Napoléon.

If ifs based on height.

Or complex.

This is your sitting room.

Right-.

And this is your bedroom.

Mm.

You have a beautiful view.

Wow. That is, uh...

[chuckles] That's stunning.

Yeah.

I'm going to show your friend his room.

Okay. Of course.

I like your uniform.

You look like an air stewardess. [chuckles]

That's- that's in a good way.

Eh. You're a dick.

Hi, Rob? It's Donna.

Pm just calling to check you got my email with the script pages.

No, uh, I haven't.

What is it? What's the part?

Ifs a really good part.

Ifs a supporting role, but you're gonna be great in it because ifs very sympathetic, and people will- will love you in it, really.

You'll be playing an accountant for the mob.

Oh, brilliant. All right.

Um, comedy?

No. It's a thriller.

Really? Why me?

- You're perfect for the part.

You look like an accountant.

And also, you're totally unknown in America, which is what they want.

Uh-huh, yes, very good.

Yes, you've got to put yourself on tape and email me.

Yeah, I can do that.

I can have it with you by tomorrow.

Che belle palazzo.

Its the sort of place that Byron would have rented.

Mm.

[birds chirping]

- Ciao. Buonasera.

Buonasera.

Buonasera.

She's got a lovely gait.

Probably padlocked.

[sighing] Oh, yes.

You know, there's very little separating "Byron" from "Brydon."

Yeah. Just a D.

That's all there is.

Yeah.

But the almost anagram of your names is the only thing that you really share, isn't it?

Because what Byron represented is probably the antithesis of you, because he was shaking the tree from the word "go" to when he popped his clogs, and that ain't you, mate.

- ♪ So we'll go no more a-roving I'

J "J"

♪ So late into the night 1'

[as Al Pacino] When I imagined where we'd be ten years ago, this is what I wanted.

[as Dustin Hoffman] I love you.

I love Izzy. I love this house.

You know?

[solemnly] You know.

[slowly] You know.

[raggedly] You know.

You know. You-you know. You know.

You know! [clears throat]

You know.

- L' And the heart 1'

♪ Must pause to breathe I'

♪ And love itself 1'

[as Woody Allen] You know, I-I-I love you.

[chuckles] And Izzy and the house, but- but now-now we have it, and I-l- you know, there's too much going on.

Famous claustrophobic.

Uh, there's too much going on.

I can't just close the door and leave it behind, you know?

My head has to be out there.

[chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

[as Sigmund Freud] I think ifs very unlikely you'll get this part, and you have to come to terms with this, I'm afraid.

Ifs very unlikely.

[normal voice] I know.

[as Sigmund Freud] Well, why you bother, then?

[normal voice] Oh, you know, give it a go.

[as Sigmund Freud] But I think ifs very unlikely.

[normal voice] I know.

[as Sigmund Freud] Well, why are you doing it?

[as Sean Connery] Why are you doing it, you fucking idiot?

[normal voice] 'Cause I think I might get it.

[as Sean Connery] I think ifs very unlikely that you'll get it.

[normal voice] Why?

[as Sean Connery] Because you are an inferior talent.

[birds chirping]

For you, sir. Grazia mille.

- Prego. Grazia.

Pnego, sir.

Sleep well last night?

Yeah. Like a baby.

I didn't.

Up worrying all night.

. Why?

Been sent a script for an American film.

Got to put it on tape, get it back to them today.

What's the part?

The lead in a Michael Mann film.

What?

[chuckles]

Really? Yeah.

Well, ifs a mafia film.

One of-one of- one of the leads.

He's sort of an easily led sort of guy who gets killed at the second act.

But you're Welsh.

Lot of similarities between the Welsh and the Italians.

You know that.

No, there aren't. Yes, there are.

Both love singing, both short and swarthy, both love ice cream.

There's loads of Italians in Wales who run ice cream parlors.

[sighs heavily]

Are you-are you- are you winding me up?

No.

So will you help me with the audition later?

Ifs just an- ifs just an audition.

Ifs not an offer, is it?

No, I've got to put myself on tape.

So will you help me?

Help you and read the other part?

No, Alba's gonna read the other part.

' Who?

Alba. The receptionist.

She's gonna read the other part?

Yeah. It's a woman's part-.

How'd you wrangle that?

I asked her.

We rehearsed last night.

She'll read.

I just need you to hold the camera.

A nice shot.

You're back?

[as Al Pacino] Working late-sorry.

You want a drink?

I was already in bed.

Long night.

When I used to imagine what we'd be doing ten years ago...

She'd be at school.

This is it.

I love you.

I love Izzy. I love this house.

But now that we got it, I can't enjoy it.

There's too much going on out there.

My head has to be out there.

Why don't we just get away, go to the lake house, just a few days, like we used to?

I can't right now.

' [sighs]

Mm.

That's, um...

Do you want to do it like that?

Why not?

I think a sprinkling of Al Pacino would be good, but you- but do you really want to be doing an impersonation?

I want to do it like this.

Mind you, they might not recognize who you're doing, so there might be some method in your madness.

Well, I'm a method actor.

[as Al Pacino] There is method in my madness!

That is Al!

[normal voice] Al Pacino.

[as Al Pacino] Not what I was doing!

Right, shall we do it again, Mr. Kubrick?

Alba, when Rob kisses you, you look very uncomfortable.

No. I'm happy. Yeah?

I'm comfortable.

Okay. Great. Whenever you're ready.

[Alanis Morissette's Hand in my Pocket plays]

J "J"

J' I'm broke, but I'm happy ♪

♪ I'm poor, but I'm kind ♪

♪ I'm short, but I'm healthy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ J "J"

♪ I'm high, but I'm grounded ♪ J' I'm sane, but I'm overwhelmed ♪ both: ♪ I'm lost, but I'm hopeful ♪

♪ Baby ♪ All: ♪ And what it all comes down to ♪

♪ Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine ♪ J "J"

♪ 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And the other one is giving a high five ♪ Yeah. Keep your hands on the wheel.

Well, that's what she- That's what she's saying.

She's not driving the car, though, with a passenger in it.

Yeah, but she's like-

Yeah, if she were driving the car, I would say the same to her.

"Alanis, love, both hands on the wheel, please."

- 1' Pm working, yeah 1'

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but then just when you think everything's good, all of a sudden...

Then suddenly... Out of nowhere...

Out of nowhere, you're in the dark again.

- 1' Sony, baby 1'

Right. Now, then.

Go-go left. Go left. Go left.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't go left.

Fuck, fuck, fuck?

You're being Hugh Grant.

[as Hugh Grant] Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

That's no entry.

Can we have the sat nav on now, please?

. OKQY-

Where are you?

Uh, we're- well, I think we're in- we're in the outskirts of Rome.

Right. Well, we're-we're here.

We've arrived already, so...

She says that you follow the signs for the center.

We're near the Piazza del Popolo.

What signs? There are no signs.

If you follow signs for the center...

Guide us in.

Ask her just to talk us in, like a stricken pilot in an airliner.

- Have you not got your sat nav?

Its having trouble finding the, um, satellite.

And go left. Go left.

I can't go left.

There's a biker. I'll kill him.

Right, right.

You got a right, right, right, right up there, there-

Whoa! Bloody hell.

This is where we're going, right?

That's where we want to be.

You need to go round.

Watch him. Watch him. Watch the Smart car.

Watch the Smart car!

Oh! Bloody hell.

What's wrong with him?

Right, go round this wall, and get back inside.

J' Fine ♪ J "J"

♪ 'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket ♪ Yeah, yeah, this is it. This is it.

Oh, thank God for that.

[sighs]

Fucking ridiculous.

[birds chirping]

Ifs not like-ifs not like ifs a new town.

They've had 2,000 years to sort out the traffic system.

Are you gonna bring up the suitcases?

No. They can do that.

And they can park the car.

Steve. Steve.

Hey. Hi. Hi.

How you doing?

Hello. You all right?

Yeah. It was a nightmare. Hello.

How are you? You all right?

Oh, God. Good to see you.

Nice to see you too. You remember Yolanda?

Yeah, hi. How are you? Hi, Steve. Nice to see you.

How are you? Careful. I'm very, very sweaty.

Yeah. Looking good.

Thank you. Nice dress. Lady in Red.

Terrible song.

Well, you've made it in the end.

You're here now. Yes, all roads lead to Rome.

Absolutely.

All the ones we were on went round in circles.

[laughter]

[conversations in Italian]

Oh, no, thank you.

Sorry. I'm-I'm okay.

You're not gonna have a glass of wine?

Come on. We're all gonna have a glass of wine.

Yeah. No, I-I can't.

Uh... You on the wagon?

[laughs]

I can't, um, because I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God. Really?

Congratulations. Wow.

Thank you.

Wow. No, um...

That's fantastic. Thanks.

Well, congratulations.

Yeah, no, um- How far gone?

About 3112 months.

Wow. So, yeah.

Why? Did you just think I'd gotten fat?

Well, I didn't like to say.

Well, you-you look good.

No, you're blooming. I was-

"Blooming" is what you say when you think they're packing a few pounds.

No. no, you are.

I thought you're either pregnant or you're depressed.

And you're eating.

Service.

[conversations in Italian]

Grazia.

- Prego. Grazia.

Pasta's perfect. Very delicate.

You can tell that's handmade pasta.

You can tell, can't you?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

What's the food been like so far in Italy, compared to the food in the Lakes?

A lot of pasta. A lot of pasta.

Yeah.

You can't do the Atkins diet on this trip.

That's for sure.

Well, you are- you are in Italy.

I'm gonna channel my inner Julia Roberts

'm Eat Pray Love and get in touch with my love of pasta.

We were gonna go to Naples

'cause Shelley lived there, Casanova, but he's put the kibosh on that, so now-

I just wanted a bit of glamour.

In my head, I thought we'd get a bit of glamour, a bit of, you know, like, um, Dolce Vita, Anita Ekberg and Marcello-

Ooh, yeah, in the Trevi Fountain.

Um, what's his name?

Marcello Mastroianni.

Marcello Mastroianni.

Very cross when I told him I couldn't deliver Anita Ekberg.

He-he had one of his fits then.

Driving along in a TR3 with a cigarette hanging out the corner of his mouth-

'Ciao, belle.' [laughs]

Well, the cigarette might fall out if you said that.

We were gonna go there, but he doesn't want to.

So instead, we're going to the Amalfi Coast.

Nice. Pompeii. Sicily.

On. Why Sicily?

Why Sicily?

Yeah.

[as Al Pacino] You're asking me why?

She's asking you what ifs got to do with Shelley and Byron.

To Sicily?

Let me tell you.

"Nothing" is the answer.

[as Marlon Brando] Sicily is the home oi The Godfather.

Of course.

We think of going to Sicily because ifs where The Godfather began, you know, in Corleone.

I want to have a homage.

Sounds like you're deaf. A pilgrimage.

[muffled voice] I love you very much.

[laughs]

He knows very well I'm not doing a deaf person.

I normally like your impressions quite a lot.

[laughs]

That's not his voice.

[as Marlon Brando] It's more like that.

I know that's not his voice either.

Ifs a deaf person. Well, you show me the voice.

Show me the voice. I can't do the voice.

All I know is that that's the deaf person.

Come on, you can do Marlon Brando, can't you?

Come on, Steve. You can do it.

Let's have a Marlon-off. Come on.

Let's hear your Marlon.

Let's even things out now with your Marlon.

You need to put bread in your cheeks.

Careful. That's crusty bread.

He finds some of the crustier bread a little difficult these days.

I cut it up for him.

Oh, you have to puree it for him.

Yeah, I cut it up for him, yeah, gonna be good.

Okay. Oh, there you go.

[laughter]

Oh, now, there you have it.

[as Marlon Brando] It's like going to the dentist.

You what? What?

Its like going to the dentist.

Say again?

You wondered where your tent is?

[laughs] What?

Send reinforcements.

We're going to send reinforcements.

We're going to advance.

"Send three and four pence.

We're going to a dance"?

Thank you very much.

[speaking Italian]

[imitating mandolin]

Go on.

You do the-do it, Rob, the background-

[as Marlon Brando] The whole time, you know, I just bite my tongue, you know, and, hey, don't call me Godfather.

[laughs]

What is it you're playing, Steve?

Mandolin. Mandolin.

Was it a miniature mandolin?

Are they all that size? Are they all that small?

They're very small, yeah. Have you seen a mandolin?

[mumbling]

[imitating mandolin]

Service.

Shall we begin? Yes, I think we shall.

Let's let the expectant mother set us off.

[laughs] Okay.

And so she plunges the knife into the John Dory.

"Ouch," says the fish.

Oh, don't! And we're away!

[laughs]

Fantastic. Mmm.

Mary Shelley, I think, was the most interesting of all of them.

I agree.

I absolutely loved Frankenstein.

She was more successful than her husband.

She was. She was way more successful.

Probably why Shelley had so many affairs with so many women, probably just jealous of her.

And he slept with her stepsister Claire.

Mary and Shelley together- they had five kids.

Four of them were lost before he drowned, though.

That's why they left Rome, was because William had malaria.

Ugh, it must have been horrific having kids in those days.

Yes, well, talking about Frankenstein, of course, brings to mind my dear friend Sir Kenneth Branagh and his production of Frankenstein with De Niro.

[as De Niro] I got a-

I got a-I got a bolt in my neck.

Got to get a bolt... [laughs]

Got to get the bolt out of my neck.

Got to get this bolt out of my neck.

Good God.

He's got a big bolt in his neck.

Pop a cap in his crazy ass.

I can't get it out. [laughs]

Bloody hell. That's not-that's subtle.

- Loom. You' re bursting.

[as De Niro] Robert here is trying to divert you from the fact that he can't do Robert De Niro because he doesn't know how to do it, speak through the nose like that.

You know, you got to get that sound, talking through his nose like that, you know?

And the whole facial gesture thing- that's- that's all part of it, you know?

Yeah, that's a bit more familiar.

Talk like that, you know?

That's the way he talks.

Hey, Frank, what you got in your neck?

You got something in your neck.

Whats that thing sticking out of your neck?

I got some goddamn bolts in my goddamn fucking neck.

You shut the fuck up, or I'll rip your head off, shit down your goddamn fucking neck, you stupid bitch-sucking motherfucking asshole.

That's how he- he speaks like that.

[laughter]

It was like watching the video.

I don't remember that from Frankenstein.

Was that on the extras? [laughs]

Oh, you have to buy the box set to see that?

[birds chirping]

You know, Shelley wrote, "It could make one fall in love with death, to be buried in so beautiful a place."

And within a year, he was dead.

Well, be careful what you wish for.

It is lovely, though.

There's Shelley.

Wow.

"Nothing of him that doth fade, "but doth suffer a sea change into something rich and strange."

Defying the physical, isn't it? Transcendent.

Yeah.

Here's Trelawney.

His poetry lives on in a way that-

"- 'These are two friends whose lives were undivided."

Trelawney died aged 88.

[chuckles]

What-Shelley was what, 26?

So that's 62 years they were divided.

[chuckles]

And he- and he bought this plot

'cause he maintained the grave.

And he bought the boat that sank- that killed Shelley.

So ifs a bit rich, him burying himself next to him.

He spent his whole life dining out on the fact that he knew Byron and Shelley- and claimed to know Keats, which he didn't.

[camera shutter clicks]

Steve, look at the book.

Good. Okay, now I'm looking away.

I'm thinking. Uh-huh.

The light here is great.

My favorite film is Roman Holiday.

Oh, yes.

Do you remember Gregory Peck?

Of course.

He had his flat in number 51 Via Margutta.

Yes.

This is Via Margutta.

Seriously?

Yeah. This is it. Wow.

And do you remember he took her upstairs, and he said-

No, she said when she got up there-

'cause it was so tiny, and she's like, "Is this the elevator?"

Yeah. Yeah.

I love Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman.

Keats. Shelley.

Brilliant, brilliant actresses.

- La Dulce Vita. Si.

Well, actually, most people think La Dolce Vita is about the glamour of Rome, but ifs about the opposite.

Ifs about... Yeah.

The emptiness of that life, the superficiality.

Yeah. Vacuous people.

Mm-hmm.

The term "paparazzi" comes from the film Dolce Vita.

That's where it came from?

- Oi course, 'm Roman Holiday, Gregory Peck plays the journalist, and his photographer friend is played by Eddie Albert.

Yes, with his Zippo lighter. Yes.

Which is where the term "Eddie Alberto" comes from.

[laughter]

[cell phone ringing, vibrating]

Hello?

Rob? It-it's Lucy.

So tell me about- are you still seeing that guy?

What's his name? Roberto.

Roberto.

Roberto Brydono. I'm sorry.

A horrible thought. Go on.

- Hello? Can you-can you hear me?

Yeah. How are you?

- Yeah, yeah, Pm good.

Um... We been missing you.

Oh, Well, I-l, um-

I've missed you too.

[chuckles]

Really?

Yeah.

I-I mean, I've been missing Hugh Grant as well.

Well, yes, of course.

I mean, ifs a terrible loss.

I think we'll all miss him.

[as Hugh Grant] I'm sure that-that, were he here now, he-he would apologize profusely, uh, for his, uh, absence.

And I daresay, he-he would delight at the prospect of- of dropping anchor, uh, once again, in, um- in, uh-in Lucy, um, Cove, if that's not too, uh, inopportune, uh, sort of.

Uh. Yeah. [chuckles]

Oh, you laughed. Thank God.

It would be lovely to see you again, if you wanted.

Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

Yes, um-yeah.

How do we-how can we do that?

- Well, I don't know.

Um... where are you?

Uh, Rome.

Ah, I see.

Well, um, look, shall I call you again?

- Yeah. Would you mind?

Is that a good idea?

Absolutely, yes. That would be good.

I'd accept the call, definitely.

It's nice to see you. It's nice to see you too.

Yeah, yeah. You look fantastic.

Thank you.

There's something in your hair.

- Good. Well, VII call you soon, than.

All right, bye, Lucy.

BYE. Bye-bye. Bye.

[exhales heavily]

So how did it go last night with Yolanda?

Good. Mission accomplished.

Everyone's happy at, uh, Houston Ground Control.

Small panic when I disappeared round the dark side of moon.

Oh!

We lost communication.

But both of us achieved a very satisfactory splashdown, and, at which point, Houston broke into a round of applause.

When Vesuvius erupted, it just went "bang!"

And-a cacophonous bang.

They would've seen a plume of smoke, just- just "boom," right from back there.

[mimics explosion]

And a cloud going up into the sky.

30,000 Hiroshima bombs, 200 megatons- imagine that loud a sound.

This whole city's preserved in formaldehyde, like this artificial- that's why ifs so remarkable.

Ifs like a photograph of the past.

Ifs a sculpture of the past.

Well, you know, a sculpture is an impression.

A photograph-that's reality.

Yeah, but a sculpture is 3-D.

A photograph is 2-D.

Uh.... yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, these people just are caught frozen in their death throes.

Look at his sandal. Wow.

They're like yours.

They are, aren't they? Yeah, they are.

It shows you that even 2,000 years ago, there were people with bad dress sense.

For me, the big question is, how did he get in the box?

Was he an illusionist?

Was he a sort of David Blaine of his day?

But it is incredible, 'cause, look, he's gone in; he's sealed it.

He's like that guy they found in the holdall in the bath.

Ifs a small man in a box.

"Here I am.

"Oh, my word.

"How did I get in here?

"I can see the volcano erupting, and I am petrified."

The thing is, he was real.

He was- this is a real man who died.

I wonder if anyone cried for him.

I wonder if anyone who escaped loved him and cried about him.

"- 'We didn't get on."

"It seems like he's a little oversensitive to me."

I agree.

"Are you knocking about with him?"

Yeah, we're just traveling round Italy.

"On, my God.

It must be a nightmare for you."

It really is.

In many ways, I envy you.

You're inside the box.

I mean, at least for you, ifs muffled.

"Yeah, I'm just picking up the odd word, "to be honest with you, "but, you know, in all honesty, "I'm kind of glad I died when I did, and I never got the chance to meet the guy."

I know. I know.

If I could climb in there with you, I would.

Anyway, ifs been really good to talk.

"Yeah, you too, fella."

Whats that?

"I just said I love your sandals."

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I like yours too. Take it easy.

[fingers snap]

[sweeping orchestral music]

J "J"


We're a bit late. Sorry. Sorry.

Hello. I think we're in row nine.

50f“!-

This is the review from Man's Claim.

'We head instead to the green tip of the peninsula, "to the Relais Blu Belvedere, "a beautiful, modernist boutique hotel

"tucked away high above the sea.

"The marvelous terrace for summer service

"has a superb view of Capri.

"Dishes with the flavors of Campania enhanced with skill and inventiveness."

[conversations in Italian]

[birds chirping]

Serving linguini pasta for you, sir, with bluefish and fresh tomato.

Grazia.

For you, sir, is a homemade ravioli with rockfish and pepper.

- Grazia mills.

Hmm.

Oh, my God.

[silverware clinks]

Not good?

That's fantastic.

Very, very nice.

You know what would make this perfect now?

Michael Bublé. Bit of Bublé.

Do you like Bublé?

Where do you stand on Michael Bublé?

His windpipe.

You don't mean that.

[laughs]

Parkinson loves him. Michael Bublé!

Michael Bublé.

Michael Bublé. Michael Bublé.

Michael Bublé. Michael Bublé.

Michael Bublé. Real music.

Real music. Ah, wonderful.

My guest today is Steve Coogan.

Steve, I mean, you're in comedy.

I mean, for you, character comedian, maybe, you know, your roots in the north, you-

Yeah. Yeah.

I suppose for you, Peter Kay-

Peter Kay, I suppose, would be the benchmark.

I wouldn't call him the benchmark; I'd say he's-

Sacha Baron Cohen would be another one, I suppose.

I mean, Sacha- I had him on the show.

He's a strange man, a curious man.

He is a little, yeah.

Do you watch him, and do you take inspiration from Sacha Baron Cohen?

I think we all take inspiration from each other when you're at a certain level.

I suppose the benchmark is Gervais.

I mean, The Office and Extras, Life is Short- I mean, all of these programs.

But Life is Short, maybe some people didn't think was so good, but that's by the by.

But to be the first man to put a dwarf on mainstream television-

I mean, it was quite an achievement, wasn't it?

Yeah, well, if you look at it that way, but, you know-

I love Simon Pegg.

I mean, I watch him in the Star Trek films, you know-.

Yeah, I haven't seen them, but I'm told they're very good, and, as I said, I'm delighted for his success.

And to work with Tom Cruise, as he does in Mission: Impossible.

I mean, imagine working with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, well, I have worked with Tom Cruise.

I worked on Tropic Thunder:

Yes, you died in the first ten minutes, Steve.

You died in the first ten minutes.

[laughing] I died in the first ten minutes.

I felt you died in the first five minutes, in all honesty, but that's just my view.

We'll come back to Steve.

Here's Michael Bublé with a new record.

[laughs]

When we think about you, we think about the '90s, don't we?

Yeah-what? We think about the '90s.

What a wonderful period that was.

We think Oasis, Blur.

You're smacked off your tits in a central London hotel trying to get your life together.

But you've turned it around now, haven't you?

Tell us about your recovery.

Well, I'd rather not.

I'd rather talk about me new film.

'Cause you are still acting. I think-

I want that to come across for the viewers.

I want them to know.

Yeah. I've done a lot of things.

I've done some brand-new sort of-

Always lovely to catch up with Steve Coogan.

Michael Bublé has a new record, and ifs about to come out.

Ifs called Christmas is a Special Time for Me, and ifs a special time for you.

He's gonna sing a track from it now...

Just another-

Called Holly Leaves and Christmas Trees.

Michael Bublé!

Steve, please, for fuck's sake, don't talk over me on-

[laughs]

Is that all right, Steve?

I'm sorry I didn't get to mention the fitness video.

[laughs]

You know, they're pretty tight these days with that sort of thing.

Time now for some music, and we're going to listen now to Alanis Morissette.

Port master coming up in a moment and Lynn with the travel.

All that still to come.

Ay! 88 and 91 FM.

[Alanis Morissette's Your House playing]

- L' Walked up the stairs I'

♪ I opened your door without ringing your bell ♪ Very polite.

♪ Walked down the hall ♪

♪ Into your room ♪ What, mine?

♪ Where I could smell you ♪

♪ And I... ♪ Bit loud.

♪ Shouldn't be here ♪ Well, that's true enough.

♪ Without permission ♪

♪ Shouldn't be here ♪

' [sighs]

♪ Would you forgive me, love ♪ J "J"

♪ If I danced in your shower? ♪ Weird.

♪ Would you forgive me, love ♪ J "J"

Why are you round at my house rooting through stuff?

♪ Would you forgive me, love ♪

♪ If I stay all afternoon? ♪ On.

Do you basically want to borrow my flat?

Is that what you're saying?

Hello. I am Lorenzo.

Nice to meet you. Welcome to Ravello.

Buongiomo.

Hi, Mr. Coogan.

We walk to Villa Cimbrone.

Walk? Walk?

Yeah.

How far is it? Five minutes.

Five minutes, okay. Great.

Should really have asked him for his I.D.

I mean, we're trusting him, basically, on the strength of a polo shirt with a logo on it.

Seemed very nice, though.

I think this is-

I think steps are better than a slope.

A slope, I think, is better for your leg muscles.

I'll try the slope.

See? It's nice, isn't it?

Ifs smooth.

Ifs just different.

The Camelia suite.

Right, okay.

Pnego.

[chuckling] Oh, wow.

Uh, I'll have this one.

This is a very nice room.

Please have a look outside as well.

On, boy.

Pnego.

This is the Greta Garbo suite.

Greta Garbo?

Yeah. She also stayed here.

Wow.

Well, you know what Byron said... about Don Juan.

"Could anyone have written it who has not lived?"

Hi. Rob?

It's Donna.

I've got some good news.

You've got the part.

Seriously?

Yeah. Seriously. They loved you.

They loved your audition.

[laughs]

Right. Wow.

They want you in L.A. week after next for a costume fitting.

And how long is the shoot?

Eight weeks!

Eight weeks?

I know.

It's great news, isn't it?

God. Right. Um...

The film starts filming in three weeks.

I'm in the Greta Garbo room.

Are you? Yes.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

This is called the terrace of infinity.

John Huston filmed a scene here for Beat the Devil with Humphrey Bogart.

They all stayed here:

Bogart, Huston, and Gina Lollobrigida.

Wow.

Gosh.

Incredible.

And now Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan.

Yeah, right. Yeah, sure.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you to you.

Enjoy your evening. Thank you. Bye.

[inhales sharply]

Whoa, God.

Wow.

[exhales sharply]

It'd be great to go back in time to the 1950s.

On, God. 195a-

Go back in time and just come up here with Gina Lollobrigida and just snog her.

[indistinct conversations]

This is as good as it gets.

Ahh.

Ifs a lovely little, uh...

Ooh. Nice?

You know what that is? Very nice.

You know what it is? Sweet.

Ifs a kumquat.

[as Christopher Lee] Come, come, Mr. Bond.

You derive just as much pleasure from saying... both: "Kumquat" as I do.

Come, Quat, ifs time for us to go.

Quat! [laughs]

Quat, come!

Quat, come. Come, Quat.

One of the most erotic experiences in my life was seeing a quat come right in front of my eyes.

Oh, please. For God's sakes.

God, you've not lived till you've seen a quat come right in front of you in a bar in Vietnam.

[exhales sharply]

Mmm. My God!

When that quat came- ahh.

[chuckles] Grazia.

[conversation in Italian]

Bogart, when he made Beat the Devil- you won't know this- had an accident during the filming.

Did you know this?

This is news to me.

[both laugh]

Why the hell didn't you tell me?

I came as quick as I could.

Humphrey Bogarfs had an accident.

No, he had a car crash, and he knocked some teeth out.

[as Bogart] So when he was talking...

[speaking indistinctly]

[as Bogart] Of all the bars in all the towns...

In all the world...

Of all the bars in all the towns, you had to come into mine.

Kinda relaxed kinda guy.

Just relaxed. You believe he's living it.

He's saying the words. You don't believe he's acting.

I imagine his arms are always at his side.

"On, hey."

He acts as though he knows something nobody else knows, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yes.

You know that? Yeah. No. Yeah.

That's what I do. No, sorry. I do the opposite.

I act like everybody else knows something I don't know.

Right-.

Mm. That's me.

[as Bogart] Now, Humphrey Bogart.

[as Bogart] Keep talking.

Yeah. He couldn't talk.

[speaking indistinctly]

Nowadays, you get an Oscar for that.

Absolutely, yeah.

Okay, but in those days, no.

So what do they do?

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

They had to dub him.

Who dubbed him?

Steve Coogan-two points- who dubbed Humphrey Bogart in Beat the Devil?

George Raft.

I Peter Sellers.

Imagine Truman Capote sitting here, can't you?

Can you do him?

I could have a stab at Philip Seymour Hoffman or Toby Jones doing it, but I couldn't really, you know.

I couldn't really- no, not really.

I think you either do it well or don't bother.

Better not to try, then. Yeah, exactly.

Gore Vidal said about Truman Capote that he turned lying into an art form... a minor art form.

[as Gore Vidal] Yes, I also said of Truman that dying, for him, was a great career move.

Oh.

But did he purse his lips at the end and go like that?

[laughs] "0hh."

Well, the thing with Gore Vidal-

Gore spoke as though he had worked out the secret of life, and he also said, "It is not enough for me to succeed.

My friends must fail."

Mm.

You know, Byron was a bit like Gore Vidal because-

How so?

Because they were both in exile in Italy.

True.

Self-imposed exile, cultural exile, because they-because their- the way they thought and lived was totally at odds with the zeitgeist of their respective countries.

You know what he said?

When Byron came to Italy, you know what he said?

He said, "I will not give way to all the cant of Christendom."

He said, "I have been cloyed with applause" and sickened with abuse."

. Well.

One of those must ring bells with present company.

I refer to the abuse.

Yeah, I know, but I've been cloyed with applause.

So have I.

Yeah, well, I've been-

I've been cloyed more than I've been abused.

[chuckling] And so have I.

Well, yeah. Well, there you go.

All right, so we're both happy.

[sighs heavily]

Mind you, if you got to be exiled anywhere, I could be exiled here.

I could see out my days here quite happily.

Yeah, well, you'd be able to finally, you know, come out, wouldn't you?

What a relief that would be.

Oh, it'd be such a weight off your shoulders.

Yeah, yeah, finally say to people...

"Happily living with Steve in our villa overlooking the coast."

Finally, we can be ourselves.

Can you wiggle both eyebrows?

Oh, of course I can. Elementary.

Go on.

Yeah, you looked at me like I couldn't do it.

You looked me- 'cause I can do the same.

That's no great achievement-.

You either can or you can't.

Can you wiggle your ears independently?

Let's see what you can do first, and then I'll answer.

[as Melvyn Bragg] Tonight on The South Bank Show, Steve Coogan and his new art installation

"Ears on the Move."

We ask him why and how.

[line ringinq]

Hello?

Buonasera. How are you?

Hi. How's it going?

It's good.

We are in such a beautiful place.

[inhales sharply] We're-

- Lucky you. It's horrible here.

Is it? Oh, sorry.

I've just got so much work to do.

It's chaos.

[as Dustin Hoffman] Okay, well, let me lift your spirits with a little news bulletin, courtesy of our friend Dustin.

I have some terrific news to tell you.

And the news is- Rob, sorry.

I'm just in the middle of something.

Can Dustin wait?

I'll see you on Monday, okay?

Little bit of news?

Hey. I've been trying to Skype you.

Have you? Sorry, Yeah. What-what's going on?

What are you up to?

Not much. Nothing, real! y.

There's nothing to do.

Well, you must be doing something.

All right, love. Bye-bye.

' BYE-bye. ' BVHWe.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

[sighs heavily]

Well, that's a disappointment. That really is.

I was looking forward to telling you my news.

That's terrific news.

Wait till you hear this.

I'm gonna be in a movie.

That's right.

I'm gonna be in an actual American movie.

I'm going to L.A.

I'm going to Hollywood.

I'll be out there.

You'll be in London with Chloe.

Right.

[sighs heavily]

Yeah.

Let me talk to Mum, all right?

Yeah.

I'll give her a call now, and then I'll call you straight back.

- Okay, great.

All right, we'll figure something out.

All right, love you.

- Love you too.

Okay. Bye-

I got some other news too.

I had a pretty exciting random sexual encounter with a pirate.

Yes, I did, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Turns out I'm- I'm quite something.

Mm.

Yeah. [sighs]

Eh.

Baciamo la mani, Don Ciccio.

[smooches]

Mi benedica.

Benedetto.

Come ti chiami?

- Mi chiamo Vito Corieone.

Ah.

E tuo padre-come si chiama?

- Si chiama Antonio Andolini.

Piu forte.

Non ti sento bane.

Awicinati.

Mio padre si chiama Antonio Blydon.

' [Qfoans]

E questo é per ta.

Ugh!

[groaning]

- E questo. E questo.

E questo. E questo é per ta.

E questo é per ta.

[knocking on door]

[birds chirping]

[knocking on door]

[exhales sharply]

Hi. Hi.

Sorry. Did I wake you up? No, no.

Joe, uh, has said he wants to come out and, you know, hang out with us.

Excellent.

It means that Emma's got to fly to pick him up in Ibiza, and I've got to meet them both in Naples.

Right. Is that okay?

Yeah, absolutely.

'Cause it means missing Sicily.

Ifs your boy. That's more important.

Okay, thank you. Great.

Good? All right, yeah.

All right.

Good. See you at breakfast.

Breakfast.

Grazia.

Oh. I am starving.

Aah.

Look at this, eh?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. This is good.

Mmm! That's good eggs.

Yeah, yeah.

You can taste a good egg, can't you?

Yeah.

What I've discovered on this trip is that I can live very simply.

I mean, I'm very happy right now...

Yes.

With a simple breakfast, a simple view, nothing fancy.

And that's just wonderful.

I don't think you can top it, really, with anything.

Could put some brown sauce on it.

That's true.

Emma's organized a place for us to stay on Capri.

So I was gonna ask you, if you want, you can come and stay...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because then you still have your six places to write about.

Great.

Be a shame not to go to Sicily, though.

I was looking forward to that for obvious reasons.

Well, you don't have to- you don't have to be in Sicily to do impressions.

[as Pacino] See the coffee commercial he did?

No.

Pacino-he sits there, and he says, "You know, for me, coffee is a way of life.

"A Pacino script will always have coffee marks on it.

That's how you know ifs a Pacino script."

And then he takes a sip and goes-

"[as Pacino] 'That's good coffee."

"And you go, 'That's Al Pacino?"

And that's another reason why I think, well, so I did Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, you know?

But he did coffee. [sighs]

There's a lot of similarities. Yeah.

Two short, brooding, intense actors, promoting products they genuinely love.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello. You all right? Yeah, great.

- I've got Joe, and we're just about to get on a plane to Naples.

Okay. How is he?

Good. He's great.

We're gonna get a cab from the airport, and we'll go to the Fontanelle catacombs, okay?

Why are we meeting at a cemetery?

Well, it's on the edge of town, so it'll be easy, 'cause Naples is crazy for the traffic, and I've always wanted to see it.

It's in one of my favorite films.

All right, listen, tell Joe I love him and we're gonna have a great time.

All right, brilliant. I'll pass it on. See you soon.

Thanks, love. Okay, bye.

Right. Let's see.

Let me see. Where are we?

Okay, I know. I've got it. I've got it.

Don't you- you just concentrate on driving.

Paul McCartney, The Long and Winding Road, and he may well have been talking about the Amalfi Coast.

[horns honking]

Right. Very close. Very close.

We can almost touch it.

Right. Have a look at that now.

Tell me-is that where we're meant to be?

Um...

That should be working with us, not against us.

I'm trying to make it go bigger.

Ifs a bit like being at one of your shows.

Ah, a lot of people.

Ifs full.

I'll give you that.

Weird, isn't it, that Byron used to drink out of a skull?

Ohh...

You all right?

Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him well.

That's a total misquote.

Ifs, "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio."

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well.

It's not, "I knew him well." It's, "I knew him, Horatio."

It's the most famous misquote in the English language, and you just did it.

Whats the actual quote? I'm a bit shocked.

All right, whats the actual quote, then?

Alas, poor Yor-ala- Alas, poor-

See, you don't know it yourself.

I do know it.

Alas, poor Yorick. Alas-

Alas, poor Yorick.

Well, who are you talking to, me or the invisible man?

I'll tell you. I'm talking to him about you.

Who am I? You're Yorick.

Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio, a man of infinite jest...

Thank you.

Of excellent fancy.

Thank you.

He hath borne me on his back a thousand times.

That is true.

Where be your gibes now, your gambols, your songs, your flights of merriment wont to set a table on a roar'?

[chuckles]

Puff.

[as Clint Eastwood] Feel lucky, punk?

He didn't say that.

I deliberately got it wrong to reel you in.

All right, go on. What's the real quote?

I know what you're thinking, punk.

You're thinking, "Did he fire six shots or only five?" both: Tell you the truth, I can't quite remember myself in all this excitement.

[as Eastwood] Its a myth that he whispers all the time.

Sometimes he just speaks normally, but his jaw is clenched.

If I wanted a lesson in how Clint Eastwood spoke, I'd talk to Clint Eastwood.

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Hey. Hey, we're here.

Are you? Oh, great.

- We're just at the entrance.

Right. See you in a bit.

Is she here?

Yeah.

Have they arrived?

Yeah.

[sighs]

[imitates trumpet]

[laughter]

Come here, lad.

Hey!

Nice to see you. You too.

Ifs good to see you, buddy.

There he is, big boy.

Yeah. Hello. All right?

Almost as tall as you...

I'll have to start wearing me high heels soon.

So listen, I've arranged for the mini people to come and collect the car from here, and then we can take the taxi to the port.

It'll be about ten minutes.

I, in the meantime, am gonna have a quick look around.

I'll come with you. Good.

Hey, mate, ifs just really great to see you, honestly.

Yeah. How are you?

I'm good, yeah.

How's Mamie? Oh, she's good, yeah.

Enjoying it a lot more than I was.

Yeah.

Why are we here?

Ingrid Bergman.

Which one is she?

[chuckling] She's not here.

But she was in Journey to Italy.

Well, how do you feel about your exams?

Oh, you know, I hope they went fine.

I'm just trying not to worry about them.

Just gonna relax.

I'm sure they're fine. I'm sure they're fine.

You worked a damn sight harder than I ever did.

First her husband goes off to Capri to try and have an affair, and her friend brings her here.

Her friends come here to try and pray for a baby.

Ugh.

Let's get out of here.

Ifs, uh-ifs a bit of a downer, to be honest.

I'm not quite sure why, but...

Antonella? Si.

[speaking Italian]

How are you? Thank you.

Hello, hello. Thank you.

Joe, do you want to go and put your bag in the back of that taxi?

Sure, yeah.

All right, love. Thank you.

That's a nice hat.

Borsalino. Al Capone used to wear these.

Thanks very much.

You all right, Joe?

Yeah, pretty good.

See that double bass case?

Yeah. Carbon fiber.

Ifs the strongest man-made material in the world.

Could stop a bullet, that. It does.

They use it in bulletproof vests.

[foghorn blows]

I still get like a- sort of a frisson of excitement crossing water.

Vedi a Nepali a muon'.

What does that mean?

"See Naples and die," in Italian.

Ciao.

Right, look, look, look.

The birds are following us. Look. Look. Look.

Look at that one there! Look! He's following us!

Quite scary. Like The Birds.

It is. You could be 1'ippi Hedren.

" Aah!"

I'll be, uh, Alfred Hitchcock just telling you what to do.

He really let her get pecked.

He let the birds peck 1'ippi Hedren?

Yeah, I think so.

He also named all the individual birds.

Yeah, well-

And when-they'd be having a go at 1'ippi Hedren, and he would instruct them.

So he'd go up to one.

He'd say, "Gregory, peck."

[laughs]

Come on. Let's go and wander.

. OKQY-

Yeah, no, what happened was that all the ash buried everyone.

Is it still active?

Um, I like to think so.

[laughs]

You got sun, sea, sangria, and, uh, La Dulce Vita over there.


Maybe wander round this way?

Watch out. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Watch out. Don't die.

[opera music]

Look, ifs the house from Le Mepris!

Whats that?

Oh, with Brigitte Bardot. Its incredible.

They're making a film, and she's married to the scriptwriter.

It all starts to go wrong, and there's that incredible piece of music.

They keep playing it all the way through.

Ifs really romantic, but it kind of gets annoying, sort of again and again and again.

Is that the one where she's naked on the bed?

Yes, that's the one.

What happens at the end?

She gets together with the producer and then dies in a car crash.

I like the sound of that.

Really sexy with no happy ending, like the opposite of a massage, you know.

[laughs]

J "J"


[indistinct conversations]

You have the... Local?

The local wine. Si.

That's a del Furore. Furore?

Yeah. It's from our region.

Buono.

Furore.

[speaking Italian]

Ah!

Here you have the scalloped fish.

Ooh, lovely. And the seafood salad.

The bonito fish, raw.

Raw, okay. It's not for you.

Not for me.

Octopus to the grill. Grazia.

There's another octopus to the grill.

Grazia.

Bonito fish.

- Grazia mills.

- Oh, grazie mills.

Do you want some of this?

Oh, yeah, sure. 'Cause you'll like this.

The calamari is absolutely gorgeous.

Try it. Perfect.

Mmm. Think I'll have some of this.

Lovely Furore.

"Furore" -that's a- Furore.

That's an angry Italian sports car.

[laughter]

I might have a glass of Furore or perhaps a carafe of kerfuffle.

[speaking Italian]

Well, I like to think of myself as a fine wine maturing with each passing year.

Sitting in the dark, getting fusty.

If he sits there too long, a little heavy.

He does get a little heavy. A little heavy.

Well, ifs a very, very fine wine.

Can get bitter.

A little bit bitter, a bit vinegary, a bit cynical.

He's not as cynical as he makes out, you know.

Remember we were watching Mamma Mia!

And you know, you're watching it with Mamie, and then at the end, when Meryl Streep gets together with Pierce Brosnan, you started crying.

Yeah, yeah. What?

Cried at Mamma Mia! Yeah.

You cried at that bit with Meryl Streep?

I mean, I loved Mamma Mia!, but I didn't cry.

I love old Pierce Bro-

I can't do Pierce Brosnan.

I'll be very honest with you, Joe.

I can't do him. I can't do him very well.

When I do him, I sound like a very effeminate Bono, so I do.

[Irish accent] Top 0' the mornin' to ya.

[Irish accent] The name's Bond.

Top 0' the mornin' to ya, Blofeld.

I'm o'oo1.

I'm James Bond, 0'007.

[as Brosnan] What he's meaning to say is, "The name's Bond, James Bond, 007, license to kill."

You need a slight huskiness, and ifs slightly mid-Atlantic, but ifs very sort of subtle like that.

Am I getting it now?

[laughs] That's Northern Ireland.

Rob, no!

[Irish accent] Well, he's a secret agent.

He's got to be able to go other places and lay low, hasn't he, now?

Interestingly, up until Daniel Craig, there was only one English James Bond.

Sean Connery- Yeah.

Connery. Scottish.

A milkman by trade and a part-time actor, he took the role and made it his own.

He went for the audition-

I don't know if you know this- and "Cubby" Broccoli and Saltzman auditioned him.

They thought he was good.

He left the room.

As he walked away in the street, they said he walked like a panther.

Now, in reality, that would be impractical.

He'd be on all fours.

He'd be soiling the furniture.

George Lazenby. Australian.

Australian.

Come on. I know where this is going.

Roger Moore, of course, English.

And, um...

Dalton. Where was he from?

Both: Welsh!

No. Oh, yes.

Now Rob's gonna go-go on. Do your Timothy Dalton.

I'm not gonna do what you think I'm going to do.

I thought you were gonna go...

[as Dalton] "My name's Bond, James Bond."

No, I'm not gonna do that. License to kill.

No, he's got a northern-y- you do him well.

He's got a northern sound.

Things could have turned out very nasty.

That's almost a very butch Alan Bennett.

Things could have turned out very nasty.

[conversations in Italian]

Who's your best Bond?

Daniel Craig.

Ah! Definitely.

Our generation. Exactly.

You and me. Yeah.

Go on, let's hear that Roger Moore again.

What was that? The Roger Moore again.

Oh, you would like to hear it again?

Yeah. Course you would.

It must be nice for you to hear-

He's so well brought up, isn't he?

It must be lovely for you, Joe, to hear an impression properly done, yeah?

And when I say "properly done," I mean done properly.

Right. Ready? Here he goes.

[as Roger Moore] Uh, my name is Roger Moore.

Now, I'm a lot older than I used to be, so there's a degree-

I'm still doing it, Steve.

Please don't interrupt in front of your son.

Do him when he shouts.

Do him shouting.

We are in a nice place.

You there, come back.

No.

[high-pitched voice] Move!

It squeaks slightly.

Move! Move!

Move! Move!

Move!

They sound like a cow when they're doing that.

The name's Bond. Move!

Both: Move! Hold on.

I want both of you, one eyebrow-one eyebrow up.

Oh, good, good.

Of course. That's entry level.

Ah, very good. [gasps]

I can do that eyebrow, or I can do that eyebrow.

Oh, that is really impressive.

[as Roger Moore] I can do them with very little effort at exactly the right time.

Ifs a linguine with shrimps and zucchini.

Great cooking, huh?

Great. Look at that.

And here you have the paccheri with anchovies.

Oh, that's lovely, that. Yeah.

For you, that's the linguine, same with the shrimps and the raw egg cooking.

For you... Yes?

That's the best plate.

Best one? Wow!

Look at that!

Mmm. Ooh.

How is it? Fantastic. Beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh? Really?

You're pregnant. No.

I got a part in a film.

Well done. That's great news.

American film.

Great, wow. Good for you.

The Michael Mann one?

Yeah.

A Michael Mann film?

Yeah.

Rob, that is amazing. Wow!

Want to do another one?

Oh. Thanks.

Gosh, that's incredible.

I know, and ifs one of the leads.

It's not the lead. It's one of the leads.

Ifs a supporting-

I play a mafia accountant.

I can really see it.

That's amazing. I can see it.

Gangster accountant? Tough guy with a pen.

[as Pacino] I can't make these numbers add up.

[laughter]

I just can't do it.

You didn't do that, did you, in the-

Wasn't far off. [laughs]

That's not what you had to do for your-

No. That's not what he did-

I kissed a waitress in the audition.

[gasps] [laughs] Remember that?

Did you? Yes, I do.

[laughs] It was a peck.

His eyes. He wasn't happy.

So how long you gonna be away for'?

Eight weeks.

Eight weeks? Gosh.

That's tough.

That's a long time to be away, though, isn't it?

What am I gonna do otherwise?

I'd just do more panel shows.

Joe's, uh, just finished his GCSEs, doing his A-levels now.

A-levels, gosh.

What A-levels you gonna do?

Oh, I'm going a bit science-y- maths, further maths, physics, chemistry, and electronics.

Seriously? Yeah.

Bloody hell.

Well, you see, it runs in the family.

My dad's an engineer, scientist.

Yeah. Granddad.

What about skipping a generation?

Car swerved out of its lane, almost went into a field, and then came back in the road.

Listen, I know a damn sight more about engineering than you do.

Yeah, but I know nothing.

[conversations in Italian]

I think I'm gonna go for a walk.

Yeah? Is that okay?

Yeah, of course.

Say hello to those girls over there.

No, no, no, no. They've been looking over.

Definitely not.

Leave him alone!

Plenty of time for all that.

Oh.

He's so grown up, isn't he? What a nice boy.

Yes, nothing like me.

Credit to you, so he is.

Well, he's taller than me.

Of course, you've both got that to look forward to.

Oh, yeah. Won't be long for me.

Chloe's nearly four.

[laughs]

[conversations in Italian]

I'm gonna have a look for Joe.

Yeah. Rescue.

Get my priorities right.

Exactly.

' [sighs]

See you in a bit.

I'm gonna have to have a chocolate boob, I think.

Nothing wrong with chocolate and chocolate sauce.

All right. Let's go sit in the shade.

Yeah, definitely.

.Joe!

Hey!

Do you want to go for a swim?

Yeah, okay!

Oh, grazie. You're welcome.

- Grazia. Grazia mills.

Oh! Thank you.

You like cappuccino?

- Yes, grazie.

Not for me. Okay.

And look, I've got the view.

Ifs absolutely beautiful.

Well, thank you very much.

[laughs]

This shirt is rather flattering, and I suppose this light casts me in a rather heroic frame.

It does. It's very flattering to you.

Oh. I need this.

Yeah.

Kids diving off there before today.

[chuckling] Yeah?

Great news about your film as well.

Thank you very much.

Amazing.

[as Hugh Grant] I have another announcement, uh, to make, actually.

Really? Yes.

I've had a little adventure.

Right-.

You know the boat that we went on?

Yeah.

I had an... altercation with a- a deckhand.

You had a fight?

No, no, quite the opposite.

A-a lady, uh, deckhand, who-who- who shivered my timber.

She-she circumnavigated my globe.

She-she scraped the barnacles from my bottom.

[laughs]

And she hoisted, uh, my mainsail.

I get the picture. Yes, yes.

[laughs]

And, of course, the- the thing is...

I'm thinking about hopping aboard again before we return home.

Really? Yes. Yes.

Slight fly in the ointment, of course- wife, small child back at home.

Yeah.

I'm-certainly don't want you to sit in judgment.

Oh, Rob, I wasn't.

Or to profess an opinion.

. OKQY-

But what do you think?

[laughs]

Oh, God. Do you know what?

Hormonal pregnant women probably aren't the best to ask.

I don't know, really.

Ah.

" Rob!"

Rob, are you gonna come in?

No, thank you!

Go out for a swim?

No, thanks!

You're missing out!

I know!

Ah! Oh, sit down there.

' [grunts]

Oh, this is relaxing.

Remember the end of Roman Holiday, when Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn have that amazing day together, and then she goes back to being a princess?

And she gets told about her duties as a princess.

And she says, "if I wasn't aware of the importance

"of my duties to my family and to my country, I wouldn't have ever come back."

Joe.

' “Mm?

I'm gonna sell the flat.

Really? Yeah.

I'm gonna- I've been thinking about it.

I'm gonna get a house near you guys.

Oh, okay.

Walking distance. Yeah.

So you can come over.

You maybe could come and live with me if you wanted.

Mamie wants to live with Mum.

Yeah.

And I don't want to not be with her.

Yeah, I know. I know.

I mean, no, that's right.

That's right. I mean...

But I'm around the corner anyway, so you can...

Have your own key.

That scene at the press conference.

YEP-

Gregory Peck signals he's not gonna run the story.

The photographer hands back the photos.

[exhales sharply]

That would never happen now.

You know they copied that in Netting Hill?

You know the scene in the press conference...

Oh, yeah!

With Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts, where he says- he says, "Oh, gosh", "crikey, crikey, gosh.

"I was just wondering, uh, "if a person realized, uh, that that person had been a daft prick..."

[laughs]

'Whether that person might, you know, "sort of get down on bended knees

"and plead with you to reconsider, whether you might, in fact, reconsider."

Well, everyone's a daft prick sometimes.

That's my point, yes.

Yes, that's my point.

You could come over with your mum, if you want, for supper one night.

I'll cook for you.

Try out my mushroom risotto.

Sounds good.

Ifs a work in progress at the moment, but... I'm getting there.

[laughs]

Should we go for a swim?

Yeah, okay.

Of course, in Netting Hill, they run off together.

None of this sacrificing love for duty.

No.

I prefer the Roman Holiday ending.

Unrequited love.

Don't really do that anymore.

No.

[opera music swells]

J "J"