The Ugly Truth (2009) Script

Are you alert?

Okay, well tell them...

No.

I'll be there in about 15 minutes, so stop arguing.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Morning, Freddy. Morning, Abby.

You look awfully pretty today. Oh, is it that bad in there?

Good morning. We got problems. Morning.

There are no problems, Joy, only solutions.

The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll for our traffic segment.

That is a problem. Yeah.

Call Matt at Media Lab. He's got some Skycams.

Where are all my weathermen? Right here.

Hey. Hello.

Thank you all for coming. You guys look great.

Thanks for being here. Good.

Is there a reason they're all overweight?

If they get the forecast wrong...

...research shows people are more willing to forgive a fat guy.

I hate to do this. I don't think I can work with her.

It's bad enough I have to take her criticism at home.

A man can only endure so much. Larry, you are not a man...

...you are a newsman.

Newsmen are not defined by the easy times...

...they're defined by the hard times.

Can you imagine Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...

...working with their wives as co-anchors? No.

Because they couldn't handle it.

But you. You, my friend, have balls the size of Volkswagens.

Don't think I haven't noticed. I only thought of them as blue of late.

But you're right. They're quite sizable.

But not disproportionately so. I think of them as aesthetically pleasing.

Yeah, I think I made my point.

Are you kidding me right now? Nobody in Sacramento...

...gives a crap about the extinction rate of the Brazilian slug worm.

Knowing which celebutante is in rehab is of vital importance?

Your voice makes my hair... Okay. He is trying to kill me.

He knows I can't eat crab. It's Crab Rangoon.

Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon? Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?

Is that a hive? No, looks like syphilis to me.

You wouldn't even know what syphilis looks like if it weren't for my story.

Stand by to go to three. Yeah, so some...

Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic. Exactly.

Yeah. Put the mushrooms in. All right.

And whatever amount of garlic you want.

Really? You can't have enough garlic.

Oh, you can. I certainly can.

Do it every night. I got a nice, big spoon for you.

Oh, excellent. Thank you. Here you go.

That good? I have to say, Rocco...

...this is the best chicken cacciatore I've ever tasted.

I knew you'd like it. It's duck cacciatore, actually.

Oh, no. Did he just say "duck"?

And it's a great alternative to chicken.

It kind of tastes just like chicken, right?

Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?

Get ready to roll to break. Yeah.

Whoa, duck. Yeah.

Man, we're a chicken household.

We are. Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...

...while she pulls it together. Or is it okay?

It's good. Javier, do you like it?

Can I take home the leftovers?

You sure you don't want any leftovers? When we return...

...our live Skycam traffic update. Okay.

And guess who's in rehab this week.

Stand by to roll break. Also, how you can adopt...

... your very own slug worm, when we come back.

Roll your break. How about salt? Salt make it better?

I don't know how you do it.

It's just a matter of looking chaos right in the eye and telling it to eff off.

You guys did great. Thank you.

I think it's time for a new chef on this show. I do.

Now, come on. Rocco's been with us...

Abby? It's this upsetting?

Hey, Stuart wants to see you. He's freaking out.

Oh, he got the ratings.

Want some? Yeah, give me that.

Have you seen the ratings from yesterday?

We got beat by all the network shows, including a rerun of Who's the Boss?

The one where the vacuum breaks.

It's just a temporary setback. Things will be better tomorrow.

You know that guy with the cable-access show...

...on Channel 83 does better.

If we program Jerry Springer reruns...

...we'd do a nine-share at a quarter of the price.

Please don't tell me you're thinking of killing the show.

We're not a family-run station anymore, Abby.

I mean, I love you. You're great at what you do.

But you gotta get me some numbers.

I got two daughters in college and a son in beauty school.

I don't know how much you know about Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.

I can rally. I will rally.

You do rally. Every day, Abby.

But that's what worries me.

That even you won't be enough.

I should not be letting corporate management...

...dictate the content of this show. It's my show.

I control it. I should skip the date tonight.

Stay home, think up some ideas for sweeps.

Absolutely not, Abby.

You should be out there observing humanity.

Humanity is who watches our show. Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.

You have rescheduled on this guy three times.

You cancel on him tonight and he's gone.

Look at this bone structure.

This could be the bone structure of your future children.

Don't you want them to be symmetrical?

You printed his profile?

What? Yes. These have not been touched in some time.

I have to live vicariously through your life.

I really think that this could be our next boyfriend.

Hi. Hello.

I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair, athletic build, blue eyes.

He's 5'9". Which I know you're thinking is short...

...but he's read The Great Gatsby... Well, technically 5'8" and a half...

...but I could read The Great Gatsby again if it makes it any better.

Hi. Can I get some water for the table?

Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?

Sure. Thank you.

Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you know they've done studies that show...

...tap water and bottled water are the same thing.

They passed a law where restaurants have to filter their tap water...

...so it's filtered water, which is the same as bottled water...

...except you don't have to pay 7 dollars for it.

I like the way it tastes better. Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

I thought...

I thought in your profile it said you... You like to drink red wine.

You printed out my profile? My associate producer did.

She doesn't like me to not be prepared. Not that I'm ever not prepared.

Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive car insurance plan.

That wasn't in my profile. No, but it's in your background check.

So tell me about yourself.

Well, what's left to talk about that you don't already know?

Good point.

All right, well, you know...

...I actually took the liberty of printing out some talking points...

...in case this happened.

I take it this has happened before? No. No.

But you have nine out of 10 of the necessary attributes on my checklist.

Oh, dear God. Okay.

Oh, this is a good one. Let's start with three, okay?

Don't ask.

More on this when we come back.

We'll hear from a zoo official forced to take...

And we're back with The Ugly Truth, where we're gonna be talking about...

... what it is men and women really want in relationships.

I've been looking through some books. Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

Men Who Love Women Who Hate Them.

And Women Hating Men Who Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.

Billions and billions wasted on psychobabble bullshit.

Now, listen up, ladies, because I'm only gonna say this once...

...and it is just three little words:

Men are simple.

We cannot be trained.

All this, "men are from Venus" crap is a waste of your time and money.

You wanna be a lonely hag, then that's fine...

... keep reading these stupid books.

But you want a relationship, then here's how you get one:

It's called a Stairmaster.

Get on it, and get skinny...

... and get some trashy lingerie while you're at it...

...because at the end of the day, all we're interested in is looks.

And no one falls in love with your personality at first sight.

We fall in love with your tits and your ass...

...and we stick around because of what you're willing to do with them.

So you wanna win a man over, you don't need 10 steps...

...you need one, and it's called a blowjob.

And don't forget to...

Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.

How dare you burn those books.

They've helped my personal life more than I can say.

What's your boyfriend's name, princess?

Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.

My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.

You're on the air.

So you're saying that men are incapable of love?

Oh, did I burst your little harlequin romance bubble?

What? Come on.

The only thing you burst is your credibility.

Men are completely capable of experiencing love.

Okay, I'll bite. Go on. Who's the guy?

What? The guy. Mr. Wonderful.

The one who's so capable of love. Who is he? What's he like?

He's smart, he's handsome but he doesn't know it.

He's successful, but in a job that means something.

He loves red wine, picnics, classical music.

This is a guy in America, right?

I mean, you're not calling from Europe or something?

He loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.

He never gets up before you on a Sunday morning.

Wait a second, I get it.

You're a lesbian.

What? Well, you must be.

I mean, you just described the perfect woman.

Why are you so threatened by these qualities?

Is it perhaps because you don't possess a single one of them...

...and that is the real reason why women aren't interested in you?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks of my own money...

... to go get this guy and bring him down here and let me meet him.

Well, he's out there, somewhere.

Wait a second.

You're not even dating this guy?

No, I'm describing a type.

I thought that's what we were doing.

What? You don't even know him?

Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.

Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.

What? Well, you must be.

Come on, you heard me. I mean, if you were...

If you were hot, you would be out breaking some poor schmuck's heart...

... instead of spending all your time fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.

Face it...

... you're ugly.

I am not ugly.

Well, okay, let me help you out here.

You might as well face the fact that you're gonna be alone...

... and stop pining away for some fantasy guy you're never gonna get.

How can you possibly...? Hey, Lassie.

The show's called The Ugly Truth. If you can't face it, don't call.

That wraps it up for this evening.

I'm Mike Chadway reminding you that the truth is never pretty.

How'd the date go?

Well, I was very pleased with the choice of restaurant.

That is so awesome. Why?

Good morning, everyone.

Morning. Morning.

Now, before I play you this, I should warn you...

...this guy's a little rough around the edges.

Face it, you're ugly. I am not ugly.

Well... Why are we watching this?

Say hello to our new guest commentator.

I'm starting him at two segments a week, three minutes a pop.

Are you kidding me? Who the hell is this guy?

Name's Mike Chadway. And he's an uber-moron misogynist...

...who represents everything wrong with television and society.

I get crap every time I suggest we do something remotely fluffy.

Oh, come on. He's got a point of view.

We don't have to like it. I mean, we're newspeople.

We're objective. Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.

Doesn't mean he likes them, he does it for ratings.

I have a list of ideas to improve ratings.

You'll like it. We don't need him. Not at all.

"An intimate profile of the mayor." I like that.

I like the mayor. Fantastic.

The mayor? Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.

Unless you can get him to bang three crack whores...

...and a German shepherd on live TV, no one's gonna give a shit.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was eavesdropping out in the hall.

What did I tell you? Isn't this guy great?

Oh, thanks, boss.

You already hired him?

Who's this delightful creature?

I'm your producer.

Hey.

I like a woman on top.

God.

Nice office. He's just kidding.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me. Mike, you see your office?

No, I didn't. Let me show you.

Beautiful. Everybody take five. I'll be right back.

Were you all not there last year for our sexual-harassment meeting?

Were you not there, Larry? He needs to go.

He wasn't sexually harassing me.

I am an award-winning news producer. Award-winning producer.

I am an award-winning news producer. I am an award-winning news producer.

You're an award-winning news producer.

You don't knock? Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.

So essentially, your knock was negated by your complete lack of adherence...

...to the social etiquette that follows a knock.

You're wound like a fucking top.

Woof, woof. Remember the bark?

Last night, a little phone conversation we had.

Yeah. Hey, what do you know?

You're not ugly at all.

Oh, well, imagine my relief.

I want to thank you for getting me this gig.

I would never have gotten it without you.

You and I, we make good TV.

You make imbecilic trash...

...watched by housebound inbreds who are so busy...

...with their hands down their pants, they can't change the remote.

I hadn't been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.

I do not watch your program.

My cat stepped on the remote.

Oh, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?

Larry, Georgia, listen to me. I want you to skewer him.

I want Mike Chadway to go down in flames.

I want Mike Chadway to be nothing but a pile of ash next to you.

I want the janitor to come vacuum up the ashes of Mike with his Dustbuster...

...and when he dumps it outside, I want the rats to vomit and defecate...

...on the ashes of Mike Chadway.

And I thought you were angry and bitter.

No, Larry, that would be my untouched vagina.

Chadway? What?

Twenty seconds to air.

About ready? Larry?

There's a bird in my dressing room. I'll take care of it.

A real bird? It's flying around.

A sparrow? Why?

I don't know what type of bird it is. Security here is awful.

You guys have really got to keep the doors closed.

Four, three...

Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman. Another beautiful day in Sacramento.

And I'm here with a beautiful woman.

Go, 1. All right, here we go.

Thank you, Larry.

I'm Georgia Bordeney. Ready for the single on Georgia.

For years, there have been concerns about lowering television standards.

But many believe that this man and his local public-access show...

...have brought things to a new low.

With that, we welcome Mike Chadway.

How you doing, guys?

Mike, how do you respond to people who say your show is offensive?

Well, it is. But then again, so is the truth.

The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?

What relationships are really like.

Take marriage, for instance.

It's about social pressure, status and sex.

If it weren't for these three things, men and women wouldn't even speak.

Oh, dear. Sounds to me like no one's ever loved you...

...and you're taking that out on the female population.

Good one.

It's like Crossfire. That was a good one.

While we're making these observations...

...you two project this image of the perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.

Excuse me?

Holy shit. Break for commercial.

No. Stuart said keep rolling no matter what.

What? When? This is my show.

Not right now, it isn't. Not right now.

Come on, Larry. I watched your show for years.

You used to be this cool, confident cat.

What the hell happened to you?

And you, Georgia. I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.

The only way she was getting off the weekend shift...

...was by hooking up with you.

Then, lo and behold, she became more popular than you did.

Ended up with twice your salary.

Camera 2, two-shot. Come on, Larry, take him down.

Hold on, pal. I am very proud of my wife's success.

Baloney, you are. You hate her success.

You feel emasculated by her.

And that screws with your head.

Which, in turn, screws with your manhood.

What's your point?

Yes, Georgia, take control. My point, Georgia...

My point is that your husband...

...hasn't had sex with you in...

...I'm gonna say, what, three months?

Chadway, that is not my fault. I know.

I mean, come on. I know, I know. It's her fault.

Why is it my fault? What am I supposed to do?

Say no to the money so he can get an erection?

She just said "erection" on television.

Other networks do it. They're talking about erections.

They say "erection" on Sesame Street.

I agree. Thank you.

You've economically emasculated your husband...

...to such a point that he's afraid to want you.

I mean, sure, you could dump his ass...

...but, honey, have you seen the eligible men in Sacramento? Oh, God.

It's slim pickings for a woman in her 40s, I can tell you.

Forties?

Oh, God. Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.

He just talked about her age.

She's gonna kill me. Well...

Forty? I mean, you ain't gonna do...

...any better than Larry.

You just have to let him be a man.

Let him be a man, Georgia. I let him be a man.

You have to let me be a man. I have tried.

Let him be a man. You have to let me.

Simple as that. Now, you, Frowny McFlaccid, come on.

Oh, God. Camera 1, ready for a three-shot.

I'm not frowny. Yes, you are.

Move in here and give this beautiful woman a kiss.

God. This is ridiculous. McFlaccid?

That mean what I think it means? Yes. Kiss her.

No. They're not gonna... Give it to her, right in front of me.

And in front of them. Let me...

Goddamn it, Georgia, let me be a man.

No! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.

America doesn't want to see this.

And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

Get ready to roll to break. Ready to roll...

Oh, you are a man. He is a man. Break.

Cut to commercial!

Cut to commercial! That was great! Wasn't that great?

I told you that guy was great.

Good job, everybody.

Abby?

Found her.

One-thousand, one hundred and forty-three calls...

...over 300 e-mails, 53 percent of them were women.

This guy's a lightning rod.

They liked him?

Liked him? They loved him. Ninety-three percent positive.

How is that possible? Well, I don't know.

But I am scaling back the news and giving it to The Ugly Truth.

Stuart, I really think this is a mistake. What do we even know about this guy?

Who is he, really? Moved here when he was 10...

...pitched two consecutive Little League Championships. Cute.

"Most Likely to Get Slapped" in his senior yearbook.

Three years San José State. Salesman of the Year at Dobson Medical in '04.

Once arrested for urinating out of a moving vehicle... That is challenging.

Tell me about it. Never married, hates asparagus.

Look, let's just keep a smile on this guy's face...

...and we'll both get our contracts renewed.

Congratulations?

Mike. Hi, it's Lauren. I'm having a party on Saturday...

... and you know what happens when I drink tequila.

It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you called me? I miss you.

I can't stop thinking about your huge... Hey.

Who's that? Rubbing all over my...

Dripping wet... How was...?

How was school?

Well, you totally hosed me. What?

Last week on your show, you said, "Always be mean to hot girls...

...because they'll want you more." Well, I tried it on Shauna.

She cried, and then I got detention.

First of all, don't listen to what I say on my show.

Second of all, you're supposed to do that to 25-year-old girls...

...who think they're hot and can get any guy they want...

...not 14-year-old girls.

They're going through puberty.

They got enough problems.

Mom said when she was 14, she was the prettiest girl in class.

Well, I was there when she was 14, and let me tell you something. She lied.

Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.

He was blind from touching himself inappropriately.

That's a nice thing to tell your son.

Like he hasn't heard worse on your show.

Let's hope you can clean it up now that you're on a network.

Congrats.

D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.

No, D'Artagnan, you get back here. Get back here.

No, do not... No, no, no.

D'Artagnan.

D'Artagnan.

Shit.

All right.

I'll just come up.

I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan. I'm coming.

I got you, hold on.

Hold on. Come here, baby.

No, no. No, no. Come on. Come here, D'Artagnan.

Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

I hope we can get down.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

My, my.

He flosses.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Somebody help me! Somebody help me!

I'm stuck in a tree!

Help me! Anybody!

I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck! Stay, stay calm.

You're gonna be fine. Get me down! Get me down!

Sorry. Oh, my God.

So you just moved in. That's great.

I'm Abby, by the way.

Your neighbor from across the way.

So you're a doctor? An orthopedic surgeon.

Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff, but I do get the occasional foot.

Your ankle seems to be fine. Just a mild sprain, this should help.

Great. Thank you.

I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose the tree outside your window to climb.

I'm here whenever you need me.

I'm gonna put my home number on the back of my business card.

If your ankle starts giving you any problems, give me a call.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, wow, that's so weird. He doesn't usually like men.

Well, you know, dogs are great, but I'm a cat person.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll get going, then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks again for saving my life. Anytime.

Okay. Bye. Okay. Bye.

You forgot your cat. Right.

I had a spider on me.

Yeah. It's gone now, though. Good.

Bye. Okay.

Thanks again. Good night.

You are not gonna believe how perfect he is.

Symmetrical? Oh, you have no idea.

Oh, good Lord. Yeah.

How did you leave it? He ask for your number?

No, but he gave me his. Should I call him?

If I call do call him, what should I say? Okay. Take a breath.

And please, sweetheart, no tap water. No tap water.

Don't bring it up. You've got naughty eyes.

Anyone ever tell you that? I have naughty everything.

Hold that thought. No, hey, you won't get in trouble.

Down a bit. Down a bit.

Okay.

Bye, Karen.

Keep it clean, moving, stick to the script.

You are on a live affiliate news program.

You do not have the luxury of using "blow" and "job" in the same sentence.

If you say anything scatological, you will be fired.

Oh, really? Yes.

I thought that you were the one that was gonna get fired...

...if you don't keep me happy.

Yes. I've got a list of demands that I would like to make after the show...

...and let me just warn you, they're gonna be scatological.

Just because you look pretty today...

...I won't mention the misguided phallic rage you just displayed.

When you hear my voice, just do what I say.

Promise you'll talk dirty?

Good morning, Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.

And I'm Georgia Bordeney.

And I'm Mike Chadway.

And this is The Ugly Truth.

Where we'll be taking a few minutes every day...

...to talk about men, women and relationships.

Let's start with men.

Men are simple.

To illustrate my point, here we have a classic romantic setting.

We have candlelight, champagne, and even...

... your own personal violinist.

Now...

... over here, we have something quite different.

This isn't on my list. Follow me.

Is the segment over?

Where the hell's he going?

Follow him. Follow him. Go with him, Remote 1.

Hey. Babes wrestling in Jell-O.

Oh, Jell-O. That's great. Hello? Abby?

People calling and freaking out. Oh, Jesus.

Sit down! Turn the monitor up.

Let's take a quick survey and see which option the men out there would pick.

We have classical music and candle-lit dinner...

...or semi-naked chicks wrestling in strawberry-flavored goo.

Oh, shit.

All right. If we're gonna do this, we might as well milk it.

Two, get ready to go wide. One, tight on his hand.

Lick the Jell-O off her finger.

Lick the Jell-O off her finger.

Just do it.

I was wrong. It's cherry.

Back to you in the studio, Georgia. Bye.

Coming up, we're gonna visit the aquarium...

...and see how Penny the Porpoise is.

Can she clear that 10-foot pole...

...with a ball on her nose? When we come back.

When we come back.

Chemistry. I smell threesome.

Great job, ladies. I can still taste you.

You know what I mean.

Do you realize that I once had...

...the Archbishop Desmond Tutu on this show?

Who's that? I can't demonstrate how far I've fallen.

You're not smart enough to get the references.

Hey, wait. I thought we were a great team back there.

You told me to lick the Jell-O.

Do you understand how much I hate myself for that?

It was cheap titillation. I am now going to broadcasting hell...

...right behind the naked weathergirl from Canada.

Seriously?

There's a naked weathergirl?

Hey, can we get her?

You have to do it for the ratings, Abby.

Think of my son. My son, who had a dream of being a cosmetician.

Think about him. Think about Joy.

Just do it for me.

Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud cover moving in from my left breast.

Low pressure systems are moving up, so expect a cold front.

Watch Mike Chadway on Sacramento A. M...

... giving us The Ugly Truth each and every day...

... at 9:00, right here on Channel 2. Oh, God.

I used to like caviar, until I found out it was made out of fish eggs.

You know that? Caviar's revolting.

I almost started to gag. Morning, ladies.

John. Yesterday's ratings.

Thanks, John.

Guess I should be happy about this, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You've never gotten a 12-share before.

I feel dirty.

Did you hear about the ratings? Yes, I am the producer.

Then did you hear corporate's coming next week...

...to take me out to dinner?

Well, let's hope you can chew with your mouth closed.

Why do you hate my guts?

Your innards are of no consequence to me. It's what you represent.

Oh, you hate the truth.

Your skewed perception of male-female interaction is not the truth.

But your imaginary boyfriend's the truth?

For your information, I happened to meet him.

Well, I hope he's real this time, because otherwise this is just sad.

Oh, he's real. He's very real.

Not to mention stunningly handsome, morally sound. He's a surgeon.

An orthopedic surgeon.

You know what that means. What?

Had to stick his finger up some guy's butt in medical school.

You disgust me.

So did Butt Boy ask you out? Not yet.

We're taking things slow, getting to know each other first.

Why am I talking to you about this?

In other words, he didn't actually ask you out.

What are you doing?

Doctor's office.

Hi. This is Abby Richter calling for Dr. Anderson.

Please hold. Yes, I'll hold.

What are you doing? Why are you calling this guy? No.

Dr. Anderson. Hi, Colin. This is Abby.

Your neighbor from last night.

Hey. Everything okay?

How's the ankle treating you?

Couldn't be better.

I was just calling to let you know how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.

Thanks.

And I was thinking we should go out for dinner sometime.

There is a new French bistro in town...

...and an art opening that got amazing reviews.

So I was thinking we could go on Friday.

Friday...

Would Saturday be better? Actually...

...Abby, the thing is, I haven't really settled in yet.

What are you doing? Saving you. He was blowing you off.

He wasn't blowing me off!

Don't. Okay, he'll be expecting you to call him.

And when you don't, he'll call back.

How do you know? Because I know how men operate.

If you want it to work out with this guy, then you'll listen to me...

...and you'll do exactly as I say. You've done irreparable damage...

...with your psycho-aggressive control-freak phone call.

It might even be too late.

And if you do salvage the situation, you'll never be more than Abby...

...his desperate neighbor. I'm not desperate.

Why? Did you think I sounded desperate?

Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.

Okay.

Although you won't admit it, you know that I know what I'm talking about.

It's your call, dude.

Fine. What do I do? Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."

Why would I...? Just do it.

Hey, Doug.

No. This is Colin.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. That's perfect.

Who's Doug?

Who's Doug? He's just a guy I'm seeing.

It's nothing serious.

Just a guy I'm seeing. It's nothing serious.

Oh, okay.

Hang on a second. Hang on a second.

Sure.

Now what? Now just make him wait.

If he's still holding on after 30 more seconds, you may have a chance.

No one's gonna wait for somebody they're trying to blow off.

You better be right. Give me time...

...I'm gonna make this guy your bitch. I don't want a bitch.

Colin would never be a bitch.

He is a well-rounded man...

...capable of mature emotions and deep, abiding love.

Things which you know not of. Maybe not.

But I do know about lust, seduction and manipulation.

Things that you know not of.

Abby, I'll make you a deal.

If you do exactly as I say, and you get this guy...

...then you'll quit giving me shit and work with me.

You know as well as I do that we could make this show huge.

And if it doesn't work? What do I get?

Then I'll quit.

You're really that confident?

It's been more than 30 seconds.

All right, deal. Now what?

Always make an impression.

Let's get a move on. We have work to do.

But what about the...? In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.

What are you, Nostradamus?

Amazing.

Rule number one: never criticize.

Even if it's constructive? Never.

Men are incapable of growth, change or progress.

For men, self-improvement ends at toilet training.

And rule number two: laugh at whatever he says.

What if what he says isn't funny? That's irrelevant.

A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm. A fake orgasm is good?

No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.

A fake orgasm is no orgasm. Only to you.

You're not the only person in the room, you know. Let's not be selfish.

Now, that was perfect.

Real or fake? You'll never know.

Rule number three: men are very visual.

We have to change your look. What's wrong with my look?

Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you are completely inaccessible.

You're all about comfort and efficiency.

What's wrong with comfort?

Well, nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.

Hello. May I be of assistance? Yes, you may.

We need cocktail dresses...

...tight jeans and some bras that'll make my friend's breasts...

...sit up and say hello. They're not saying hello now?

What are they saying? They're giving more of a passing nod...

...rather than an outright greeting.

You know what? Why don't you try this on?

I think this would be wonderful. Now, that is a bra.

Boobies in this thing say, "Put me in your mouth, I taste good."

I'm actually wearing one right now as we speak.

Length is very important.

We need short enough to see some thigh, but not so short to see vag.

Vag says you're trying too hard. You think?

Jeans are all about the curvature of the ass.

You've... Well, you've got the raw materials.

Now all you need is the proper presentation.

Did you just tell me I have a nice ass? Do you have to be so crass?

Jesus.

Rule number four: never talk about your problems...

...because men don't really listen or care.

Some men care. No, some men pretend to care.

When we ask you how you're doing, it's guy code for:

"Let me stick my dick in your ass."

Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy.

If he's even remotely into you...

...he's probably thought about your orifices at least 10 times.

I love how you assume all men are as perverse as you are.

Oh, I don't assume. I know.

Wait. We need to make one more stop.

Why? I have tons of stuff. We have to make your hair longer.

Men like something to grab onto other than your ass.

My hair is fine. There's nothing wrong.

Abby, a ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery...

...or emptying the litter box.

Neither of those things inspires an erection.

Why is it my responsibility to inspire an erection? Isn't that his job?

Shut up.

Well? What do you think?

Not bad. I just...

I don't wanna be perceived as a bimbo. I mean...

And I don't want you to be a bimbo.

You have to be two people: the saint and the sinner.

The librarian and the stripper.

On the one hand, you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference...

...on the other, you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.

Now, we have to teach you flirting. I know how to flirt.

You know how to flirt?

"Oh, my name's Abby, and I love reading Tolstoy.

I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics."

I don't think so.

Hey, babe, you wearing any underwear?

You know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.

What's wrong with a little ass-grabbing?

I mean, what's it there for if for not me to grab it?

You're just a set of orifices and a pair of teetahs.

And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.

Maybe I'm just a really good student.

Would you stop doing that? Doing what?

Running your finger down there. Over me.

Why? Is it turning you on?

Maybe.

It's weird, I think I kind of like it.

Really?

Sucker. Oh, I knew it.

Okay, no teaching the teacher. Come on.

Who is it? It's Colin.

I'm not ready for this. Am I ready?

I'm not ready for this. Calm down.

Okay. Keep the conversation under a minute. Now go.

Under a minute? Under a minute. Yes.

No, wait, wait, wait. Come here, come here.

You're such an asshole.

Hi. Hey.

Wow, you look great. Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.

What happened to you today? What do you mean?

You put me on hold and never called back.

Oh, my God. Was that you? Yeah.

I'm so sorry. It's okay.

Would you mind actually giving me a call a little later?

I'm busy. Gotta get back to those dishes.

Abby, wait. What now?

No, that's good. Now make him suffer.

Make him suffer. Suffer.

Abby, I was wondering if you'd like to go...

...to the Devils game with me on Saturday.

Go, Comets.

He delivers it.

Okay, I have a visual. Nod if you can hear me.

Just relax. It's gonna be fine.

Now, do exactly what I tell you, and when I tell you to do it. Okay?

You follow baseball? Do something noncommittal.

You okay?

I'm fine.

That was a little over the top, but nice try.

Well, thanks. For what?

Well, thanks for being you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God. You're Mike Chadway.

I love you.

Hey, buddy, what the hell? Dude, what the fuck?

Dude, what the fuck? What?

No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.

I'm not talking to you. Okay, did I do something wrong?

No, stop. Listen. Tell him you saw him looking at another girl.

I saw you... I saw you looking at another girl.

Who? That girl, right there.

I was trying to get us a couple hot dogs.

Two. Thank you. Okay.

Okay, we need a quick recovery.

Make sure you put the hot dog in your mouth nice and slowly.

Men like watching penis-shaped food go into a girl's mouth.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry. No, it's okay.

You know, I can get this out. I'm sure I can.

What fabric is this? I don't know. Cotton?

Cotton. Cotton's the worst. Well, actually, leather's the worst.

After that would be suede. Okay.

I think I can get it out. Abby.

Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!

Where? There. Right there.

Abby? Abby, you might want to look up.

Way to go, Abby.

Okay, I got you. I'm in position.

Can't say today was boring. You're being nice.

I embarrassed you. No.

You're just not what I'm used to.

I know. No, actually, it's a good thing.

I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds.

But I can't do that with you.

He's an idiot. I figured you out in two.

Now, tell him good night and stick your tits out.

We're gonna give this one last shot. Well, good night then.

That definitely made up for my wet crotch.

Me too. No, scratch that. I didn't have one.

Yeah.

I'll see you later. Yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Night. Night.

You did it! You did it! You did it!

I didn't do anything. You did!

It was you. No.

I mean, don't ask me why, but I think he likes you.

He's such a great guy, right? Yeah, he's dreamy.

Yeah. And he fits all 10 of the criteria on my checklist.

Though weren't items one through nine...

...something to do with him pretty much being gay?

I'm gonna ignore that, because I am in such a good mood.

Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.

Of all the primates, bonobo monkeys...

...are the closest relatives to human beings...

...both genetically and socially.

Especially when it comes to sex.

They use sex as a way to end an argument.

One of my favorite techniques as well.

In fact, when they come upon a new food source...

...they have a gangbang in order to decrease tension...

Small person on-set. Thanks. which is something we humans should look into.

No, no, no. This is not for children.

It's okay. I know him.

You do? Yeah. sit on their asses all day and boss their men around.

Sounds like a great argument for evolution if you ask me.

And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

And we're wrapped.

Great job, Mike. Thank you. See you guys later.

Yeah, I've got an adult male bonobo monkey in my pants.

I'd like to see that.

Hey. What are you doing here?

I told you no watching the show, especially live.

I need some emergency advice.

Tracy McIvor asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Is it dorky if I say yes?

Dorky?

Hell, no. Are you kidding?

You're ahead of the game. Women are coming to you.

You know how cool that is?

Relish this moment, okay?

Now get the hell out of here. I'll see you at 5.

Okay. We'll celebrate.

Don't forget the pizza, King Kong. Hey, have I ever?

He lives with you?

Well, next door, with my sister.

He's my nephew.

Cute kid. Yeah.

Here, do me.

Okay. So guess what. What?

Colin called, he wants to get together again.

Oh, Lord.

So how long should I wait to have sex with him?

Well, the more you make him beg for it...

...the more you're gonna keep him on the hook.

So do everything else but.

But then show him...

...that beneath that control-freak exterior of yours...

...that there's a sexual deviant waiting to be unleashed.

No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.

Good point.

I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what, a year?

No.

Eleven months. God.

Eleven months. How do you live? Come on.

So how often do you?

Do I what?

Do I what? You know...

...flick the bean? What bean?

Your bean. Flick it. Down there.

Gross! That's what you call it? What is wrong with you?

No, well, actually, I call it masturbating...

...but I thought that might offend your delicate ladylike sensibilities.

So how often do you flick it? I don't know.

How often do you flick it?

You're only asking me that so you can picture me flicking mine...

...while you flick yours. No.

I would never picture you while I do that, which is not something I do.

I don't do that, not ever. Yes, you would.

No. No. No. Never?

I find it impersonal.

Abby, what could be more personal than you flicking your bean?

I just don't see myself that way, okay? Okay, well, I do.

Come here.

Well, you better start.

Because if you don't wanna have sex with you, why the hell would Colin?

What is this?

What is this, baby?

What? What, baby?

What is this? What is this, D'Artagnan?

"Astrea 1."

"Vibrating brief."

Great.


He said he was running late.

What is he doing here already?

Good, you're ready. For what?

The dinner with corporate.

Didn't you get my e-mail? No.

And I can't. I have a date with Colin.

You can't go because you have a date?

You have no idea how hard those are for her to get.

Well, then let's pick him up on the way.

Come on, let's go. Right now. Come on. Come on, let's go.

Sorry to hijack your date, brother.

No worries. You're a producer as well?

No, dude, I'm the talent.

So you're an anchor, then?

No, I do The Ugly Truth.

Hasn't he ever seen our show? Come on, Stuart.

Our show's way too low-brow for Colin.

He's a doctor. Yes, that's right, he is.

He doesn't wanna hear about things like implants and oral sex.

You talk about oral sex? Oh, look, we're here.

You invited the Jell-O twins? Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.

Well, it certainly can't hurt.

Ladies, you look quite fetching.

Hey, hey, the gang's all here. Hey.

Harold, Bob, you remember Abby. Hi. And this is...

And we all know Mike Chadway. And who are these lovely ladies?

Something tells me we won't be talking about the news tonight.

That's right.

Our table's waiting. Shall we? Come this way.

Mike, you're doing a hell of a job. Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

That's a good one, huh? That is funny.

Thank you.

So you guys here to give me a raise or what?

Oh, that's my guy, always with the jokes.

Yeah.

Yeah. Right.

No, really, we are very excited about this year's rating increases.

And we're hoping that in the next quarter, we can...

Oh, God. What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

Could you excuse me?

Shit. Sorry, she's...

What are you doing? I'm looking for the remote.

What remote? For the...

The underwear.

What? You're wearing them now?

Are you okay? Yeah.

Yeah.

This ceviche, it's so good.

Quite possibly the best I have ever tasted.

Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe.

Abby, hold on.

Tell Harold about the new teaser campaign...

...we're starting next week. You're gonna love this.

Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

Well, they're 15 seconds...

...every hour, on the hour.

Yep. Yep, yep.

They're so...

So...

You tell them, Mike. You should tell them. Yes, yes.

Yes, you tell them.

Actually, I was really enjoying the way you were telling them. It was great.

You were... You were telling them.

What's in ceviche?

They're...

They're unlike anything you have ever felt.

Amazing.

And they're of...

Of Mike telling an ugly truth...

...and they are just so...

So cutting-edge.

So... So fantastic. So fantastic!

Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!

Oh, God. Yeah! You're gonna love them.

Well, gotta love her enthusiasm, right?

I'm gonna use the restroom, if you'll excuse me.

Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.

Did you know he had it the whole time?

Not the whole time, just part of the time.

I figured I should let you finish. How kind.

So thanks for coming tonight. To dinner.

That kind of coming.

He likes you, by the way. Colin.

I can tell. Really?

We ready to go? Yeah.

I know Abby is. Great.

Let's go.

Take care. Thanks. Okay.

Well, that went well, I think. Sure did.

Yeah. Let's get a drink.

Bob and Harold...


Oh, my God. For me? Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!


Okay. Just conference me when you get a hold of her.

Okay, bye. All right, so we have the balloon festival coming up...

...and for sweeps, it might be nice to do a segment...

...on how men are full of hot air.

Right? It's good, right? No.

We should do some stuff on location...

...because you're great when you're interacting with people.

I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?

Yeah, you kind of are.

Back at you, babe.

So tell me this.

Why hasn't some fancy New York show stolen you away?

Oh, I much prefer Sacramento to New York.

Come on. You just like being a big fish in a little pond.

No. No.

And Sacramento isn't really a pond, it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.

And it's a great place to raise a family.

Really good school system.

The parks are clean and well-maintained and safe.

And there's a much lower divorce rate here than there is in New York.

Yes, well...

Thank God Colin would never be into a woman like that.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes women of quality, huh?

That's a trait to be admired, not mocked, man-whore.

Man-whore? Why am I a man-whore?

I've seen you with the Funbag Twins, remember?

Saw me what?

What, you saw me introduce them to some network executives?

They wanna be actresses, baby. I mean, who am I to kill their dream?

Such a generous man. You're telling me you've never slept with them?

Well, no, I didn't say that. That's my point.

Men, or man-whores...

...prefer women in slutty clothes who suck lots of cock.

Every man wants that.

And for your information, I only slept with the one who could read.

Wait a second, did you just say "cock"?

Yes. Yes, I did.

I can say "cock." You don't own the word. Cock.

Cock, cock, cock.

Okay, I got it.

A week ago, you were crying at the thought of a vibrator.

Now you're "cock this, cock that," cock, cock, cock.

You slept with Colin, didn't you? No. No.

We didn't. We're saving that for this weekend.

He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.

Well...

...here's to overturning assumptions, huh?

I'm really a man of discriminating taste and you're a foul-mouthed slut.

Thank you.

So there you have it.

Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude.

There are many layers in between.

And it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers...

...and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.

That sounded almost enlightened.

Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends...

...her lady garden awaits. And he's back.

And I'm pretty sure you're gonna wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.

Well, thanks, Mike.

Coming up after this message, Javier tells us if your petunias...

...are gonna see any rainfall this weekend.

I sure hope mine do.

I wanna go home, but let's go over the script.

Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.

I'm turned on with the layers. Want to see these layers?

There he is. Hey, what's up?

Good news. You're not gonna believe this.

What? I got you on The Late Late Show...

...with Craig Ferguson. They want you as his guest.

Ferguson wants me on his show? Yeah.

You're shitting me. I am not shitting you.

Oh, yeah. We made it.

Yes!

Hi. Who are you?

Oh, this is Rick.

I'm his agent. Yeah.

Since when do you have an agent? And since when is it okay...

...to book Late Night without the producer's approval?

Actually, it's Late Late. It's two "lates."

And since he became the hottest personality on morning TV.

Have you seen this guy's ratings? Yes. Yes, I have.

Yeah, okay. Anyways, you leave tonight.

Okay. It's all set.

How cool is this? Come on, let's go.

Oh, my God!

Joy said you wanted to see me?

I found out that Mike's being offered a job...

...at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco at twice the pay.

Craig Ferguson is his audition.

You can't be serious. Oh, I'm serious.

If Bob and Harold find out about this, we're dead.

Now, I need you to fly out there and talk him out of it.

I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend.

Don't let him know that you know.

Go ahead and let him do the show, get us our publicity...

...and then convince him that he needs to sign on with us...

...for the next three years. That's all we can do.

Stuart, I'm pulling up. I'm gonna try to catch him.

Okay. I'll call you back.

Thank you.

Hello, little stupid penis face.

You'd be on cable access if it weren't for me.

Here you wanna move to CBS. Is everything okay, miss?

Yes, I'm just... I'm practicing my speech.

Abby? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tahoe.

You couldn't spend a day without me.

Yes. I just can't get enough of your sparkling wit and charm.

Stuart thought you needed a producer more than I needed to get laid.

Come on, I gotta check in. We leave in five minutes.

Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock. Yes, dear.

Okay, so let's go over the pre-interview questions.

I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time with little Colin this weekend.

And by "little," I don't mean undersized...

...although I highly suspect that's the case.

Colin's penis. That's what you wanna talk about right now?

Because I thought we should talk about...

...what you're gonna say on the show.

Yeah. Okay.

So tell me, Mike, how did The Ugly Truth start?

Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...

...I had a sales job...

...where I was driving around a lot, listening to talk radio.

I started calling in, and then I realized I'm smarter than everybody else.

Just ask my producer, Abby.

She thinks I'm a genius on days when she's not sexually frustrated.

Yes, thousands of lives have been enriched by your wisdom.

Excuse me, lady, but you have a boyfriend right now because of me.

It may have started because of you, but it's lasted because of me.

You're acting like your normal control-freak psycho self again.

I am not a control freak.

When you checked into the hotel, did you or did you not insist...

...on getting an eastern-facing room on a floor not below 7?

I like rising with the sun, and a view.

My point is, that Colin likes the Mike version of Abby...

...not the Abby version of Abby.

So don't go knocking my words of wisdom...

...when you're living proof that they work.

I could be having sex right now.

Right this way, please.

Dude, this is awesome. You are about to go on national television.

Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.

Just, you know, do what you always do.

What do I always do? You... I don't know, you...

You entertain people with your moronic ideas...

...and they love you for it.

That may be the nicest thing you said to me.

You're welcome. Next up...

...here to tell us the ugly truth about men and women...

...is Mike Chadway, everybody. Mike Chadway.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

Come on up.

Hey, how are you, folks?

All right, Mike, welcome.

Now, listen. Men, we men, I think I can say "we men."

Not necessarily "wee" men, but men of all sizes...

No, I get it. I get it. We're not known for our expertise...

...in matters of the heart.

But I hear you have some very interesting ideas and theories.

What advice would you give to the people out there...

...that are looking for love? My advice would be:

Don't do it.

I mean, try to find lust instead. It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.

Blue balls, they only last a few hours, but a broken heart, that can last years.

Goodness me. Tell me, then. What's her name?

Who?

The woman that screwed you up. She must have been a doozy.

Well, like I said, better a floozy than a doozy.

Hi. I was looking for an Abby Richter.

Did you get him? Is he ours? I'm working on it.

I gotta go.

Where's Rick? I sent him home.

I thought you and I could celebrate on our own. Give me some of that.

And what exactly are we celebrating?

Hello? Craig Ferguson? I was just on it.

I mean, maybe you saw it?

I heard about the offer from CBS.

Well, then maybe you heard I turned it down.

You did?

Why?

Jonah.

You know, he needs me around.

I may not be the best father figure out there...

...but I'm the only one he's got.

And I don't wanna half-ass it all the way from San Francisco.

Well, I think that's a very good decision.

Thank you.

Now, can we stop talking about work...

...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?

God.

Tell me about the doozy.

You know, the woman who broke your heart.

You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.

No, I'm not. I'm just interested in what makes you you.

Well, for your information...

...it was more than just one.

It was more like a parade.

Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...

...depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls.

Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me.

By the time I hit 30, I realized that...

...you can only have so many lousy relationships...

...before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.

You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.

To my very core.

Hello. Can I get you something?

I'll have one of those, please. A mojito. Sure.

Would you like anything else? Yeah, some water.

Okay, would you like still or sparkling?

Tap water's great. Thanks. Tap. All right.

What?

What?

It's the exact same thing, isn't it?

So I've been told.

Come on, let's dance.

No, I'm serious.

I've seen your spazzy dance, now I wanna see the real thing.

No, really. I can't dance like that. I can. Well, kind of.

Oh, Mike, no.

No.


We have an early flight tomorrow. We should go.

Yeah. We should go.


So the car is gonna pick us up downstairs tomorrow at 8.

Do you want me to call you? No, I'll get a wake-up call.

Oh, yeah, good idea. Yeah.

I had a really good time tonight. Me too.

Yeah.

My floor. Yeah.

See you tomorrow. Eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock.

Good night. Good night.

Good night. Yeah, good night.

A lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess...

I guess I should go, huh?

Yeah.

Good night.


What the hell was that?

Why do I wanna do it again?

Miss me? Colin.

You were expecting someone else? No.

Since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.

How did you know I was here? Joy told me.

I just started thinking about all the stuff we were going to do there, and I...

Come here. decided I couldn't wait.

A little champagne? Yeah.

Great.

So happy to be here. Oh, yes.

What's wrong? Nothing. You just surprised me.

You told me you were spontaneous. Yes, I did.

Have a little something else on its way up for you. You are going to love it.

Let me tell you, it comes out so fast, right?

Oh, wow, I guess we have to get naked sooner than I thought.

I'll get you a towel. Okay.

Abby, I...

Abby, I really, really wanna do that again, and not just tonight.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Man up, Chadway. Come on, you can do this.

Hey... Hey. You're not room service.

How you doing, man? Hey.

Hey. Good to see you. I...

I just came by to tell Abby about the change in our flight time...

...but I can come by later.

Hi. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Flight's changed.

Eight o'clock in the morning.

I told you that already?

I'm so... Long day, big day.

Okay, I'll just leave now.

Mike. Mike.

Hey, wait.

He came to surprise me. I...

Hey, how convenient. No, I...

I thought it was you at the door.

Well, I guess we're all interchangeable.

I taught you well.

Hey, maybe you could even host the show.

Tell me what happened in the elevator.

Should I tell Colin to go?

No.

No, why pull up anchor now?

I mean, you worked damn hard to get him here.

And that's it? That's all you have to say?

What do you want me to say?

The truth is ugly, isn't it?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

I'll see you.


Sorry about that.

No. Honestly, no worries.

Just come here.

Listen, the rest of the night is ours.

To the first of many romantic evenings to come.

Okay.

Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?

You're beautiful. You're smart.

You...

You never criticize.

You know what? You never try to control the situation.

And I've gotta say, it's a breath of fresh air...

...because I know so many women who are total control freaks...

...and it's a nightmare.

I just love that you're not like that. But I am.

I am just like that.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, this should be chilled.

But you know that.

And as horrible as it sounds...

...I was editing that speech the entire time you were giving it.

And the time you fed me caviar, I was in physical pain.

I hate being fed like a toddler.

That's how much of a control freak I am.

But I couldn't show you any of that, because...

...who would love someone like that?

No one.

I'm so sorry.

You are a great guy, you really are.

Which is why I have to tell you that I have not been myself.

Not for one second of the time that we've been dating.

Then who have you been?

The girl some idiot told me to be.


Morning, Freddy.

What did you do to him?

I didn't do anything. He missed the flight all on his own.

He quit this morning.

I got a call from the local CBS affiliate saying they'd closed a deal with him.

Corporate's having a shit fit. What the hell happened?

He quit to go to one of our local competitors?

We don't need Mike Chadway.

Halfwit troglodytes are a dime a dozen.

You'd better be right.

Because you gotta find me another one or else we're canceled.

I'll find one by the end of the day.

Not really. I'm just... That's just a joke, everybody.

I can't believe I allowed myself to feel for him.

Well, you felt enough something to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.

Okay, here are the Mike Chadway replacements.

Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no. "Fuck no." All right.

So, what do you think of the new set?

I love it.

KS XP retained the copyright to your old segment title...

...so we retitled you: Morning Madness With Mike.

Love it.

And this is Joe, your new producer. Hi.

You know what I like best about you, Joe?

Is I don't wanna have sex with you at all.

I'm relieved to hear that.


How's my face? Is it too shiny?

Which side is better? Right, left, full frontal?

They're all great. Can we go over your intro one more time?

"I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..." The Ugly Truth.

Okay. Let's maybe lose the gun thing.

What? Gun's my signature move.

Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month...

...I say lose the effing gun.

All right, we're live in five, four, three...

Two, one.

Think this guy's any good? He better be.

I'm Jack Magnum, and this is The Ugly Truth.

Peace. Oh, Jesus. He's going political.

We'll do a couple questions with the balloon pilot...

...about how often couples get it on in-flight, and then we're out.

Got it.

Check it out. Your replacement's on. Jack Magnum.

My what? How's it going, Jack?

Your replacement?

Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks.

Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands.

You're looking at a guy...

...who personally has had sex with over 137 women.

Most of them conscious.

This is beautiful. Now, we're at the balloon festival...

...and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air.

But I think we all know, it's the ladies that are full of crap.

Just because she says no, doesn't mean she means no.

If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women...

Okay. All right. What the hell?

Did she...?

Welcome back.

It looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty.

Yeah, when you have a wine festival...

Okay, I got it.

Hi. We're back.

I'm sorry...

... but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do The Ugly Truth.

Which should really come as no surprise...

...because men are completely unreliable.

What is she doing?

Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know. We're fixing it.

Take Mike Chadway, for instance.

He up and quit the show without so much as a word.

You think you know what men are gonna do, you think you know...

... what men want to do.

But when it comes down to that moment...

... where they actually need to step up and, I don't know, make a move...

... they chicken out.

I am all over this. Where are you going?

We're live in two. It's going great, isn't it?

The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about...

...in novels and watching in movies since we were 9 years old...

...that's a fallacy. They don't exist.

Men are not strong. Men are not brave.

Men are afraid.

It's all part of the show. It's an Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.

Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator...

... and it's totally romantic and full of potential...

...men are incapable of copping to it.

Because why?

Men are weak.

Let me tell you something about women.

Hey. Woman would have us believe...

...that they are the victims. That we break their hearts for sport.

I thought he quit. That's crap.

See? I told you we'd get him back.

They say they want true love, but all they want is a checklist.

Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor?

For you men who fit the criteria...

... don't kid yourselves, they're not sleeping with you.

They're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices.

Money over substance, looks over soul.

Polish over principles.

No gesture, no matter how real or romantic...

...will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.

This coming from a man who's never made a gesture...

...other than this one.

Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?

The elevator was a moment of passion...

...followed by a moment of panic on your part, apparently.

Panic? I came by your room. Yes, and then you ran away.

That wasn't panic, sweetheart.

That was an unwillingness to compete...

...with the walking checklist that was in your bed.

You should be thanking me.

We got 10 seconds.

Are we ready to soar up, up and away?

Well, there you have it, folks. That's the ugly truth.

A girl in heat for two guys...

...will choose the one with the better résumé.

That is bullsh...

And we're out.

God. I hate you so much, I just swore on live television.

No, you hate yourself for being so shallow.

Off we go. Where are we going?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing. I wouldn't recommend that.

Keep rolling on the onboard camera.

What are you doing? God, what is wrong with you?

They don't even know they're on the air, do they?

Is there any way to tell them they're on the air?

Nope. Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.

So who wants champagne?

Oh, I know. I got a great idea.

Why don't we pass the time with you telling me...

...how much fun you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?

I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass.

On our left, you'll see the High Sierras...

What? Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.

If you think we're gonna finish what we started...

...you're out of your mind. You lost your chance.

Oh, come on. I never had a chance with you.

And to our right here, you'll see the lovely Sacramento River...

...winding its way through the dichromatic landscape.

Could you please stop talking? Thank you.

You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgment...

...when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't.

Oh, yeah? Well, what does that mean?

"I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jell-O.

I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love, it's scary."

Oh, for God's sakes, there's the first one.

Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.

Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.

I am not a psycho.

Love?

I just told you that I loved you, and all you heard was "psycho."

You're the definition of neurotic. No. The definition of neurotic...

...is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts...

...without any objective evidence of... Shut up.

Yet again, I just told you I'm in love with you...

...and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.

You're in love with me.

Why?

Beats the shit out of me...

...but I am.


Oh, Mike.

You're amazing. I am?

Oh, you're a god.

Really? Oh, God!

Am I really that good?

Or are you...?

Are you just faking it?