The Umbrella Academy S1E4 Script

Man on the Moon (2019)

♪ Healing ♪

♪ Holy man, once upon a time ♪

♪ He lived for his wife ♪

♪ Up until the crime ♪

♪ Huntin' high and low ♪

♪ To seek revenge ♪

♪ Brand-new moral code ♪

♪ Got made, reluctant renegade ♪

♪ Leavin' empty souls ♪

♪ When he avenged ♪

♪ Evil spirits flowed ♪

♪ He drank the blood like lemonade ♪

♪ Cozy campfire crowd ♪

♪ With a case of wine ♪

♪ And feeling fine ♪

♪ Bounty hunter now ♪

♪ And it crossed the line ♪

♪ Cross that line ♪

♪ Huntin' high and low ♪

♪ Exacts revenge ♪

♪ Brand-new moral code ♪

♪ Got made, reluctant renegade ♪

♪ Leavin' empty souls ♪

♪ When he avenged ♪

♪ Evil spirits flowed ♪ Huh? - ♪ He drank the blood like lemonade ♪

Attention, Master Luther.

Mission alert.

I repeat, mission alert.

There's a biochemical substance, unknown, but dangerous, especially in the wrong hands.

As my Number One, I need you to deal with the threat.

I'm ready.

But, uh...


You don't need to call me by my number anymore.

Why not?

Because I'm the only one left.


Hurry! Let's get him inside.

Get that gear off him.




Damn it!

Bring me the serum.


There's something you have to see.

The two guys last night, the ones with the masks...

They did this to her.

It has to do with Five somehow. I mean, they were looking for him.

I know I was arguing to turn Grace off, but it doesn't make seeing her like this any easier.

Poor Diego.

I mean, this is gonna be so hard on him.

Yeah, it's hard on all of us.



Are you okay? You know you can talk to me.

I don't want to discuss it.

Hey, no.

Don't do that. Don't shut me out.

When I left, you were still...

I mean, what... what happened?

Dad sent me on a mission.

And it went, um... badly.

I almost died. He saved my life.

Uh... Why didn't you tell me?

I... I could have helped you through it. I was fine.

All right? I am fine.

I don't need any help. People are attacking our family.

I mean, come on. Talk to me.

I can't. I...


Just leave me alone.

I hope I wasn't being too loud.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I must have fallen asleep last night.

It's okay. You were exhausted.

I would've let you sleep all day, too, but...

Rehearsal. Rehearsal.

Oh, shit. What?

I thought I'd be going home last night, so I left my refill.

Stupid! So you stop by on your way.

No, there's no time.

It's just...

I really need it for my nerves. I've been taking it since I was a kid.

For one day, I think you'll be fine.

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

Hey, let's make a deal.

Around me, you don't have to apologize just for existing.

It's a beautiful day.

Come on. I'll walk you to rehearsal.

Is it on your way?

Not at all.

Thank you for listening. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry I kept you up so late.

You're doing it again.

Force of habit. Hm.

When I was a kid, I felt like I had to apologize for even breathing.

Tell me about it.

I don't think my dad ever forgave me for being born.

What about your mom?

She wasn't really in the picture.

Hey, Helen.

Friend of yours?

First chair.

First... And that is...?

Oh, it's... What is that?

It's like the quarterback of the violin section.

Oh. I know football.

She has the solo at the concert next week.

She's yet to be unseated for... ...five years.

It's kind of a thing.

Well, want me to try?

I could try.

I've been practicing.

I'm getting good.

Thank you for everything.

Hey, maybe you can thank me over a dinner.

We never got to have our last one.

Yeah, I'd love that.


Well... good luck.

Number Five, where is he?

Don't... stop...

I'm almost there.

Is that a...?



Ah, there's nothin' like a little... stranglin' to get the blood flowin', am I right?

What is so funny, you asshole?


Well, for one... you spent the last ten hours... beating me senseless, and... you've learned absolutely nothing.

I mean, nobody tells me shit.

The truth is, I'm the one person in that house nobody will even notice is gone.

You assholes kidnapped the wrong guy!

Ow! I'm sorry, okay? Please make him stop talking.

Let's waterboard him. No

Ah! Oh, I needed that.

Come on! I was... parched.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, God, this is brutal. Oh!

What the hell is wrong with that guy?

He's a freak like his brother.

Everyone else in that house.

Just another example of management stickin' it to the working man.

Come on, not this again.

They should've warned us this was an atypical assignment.

Hello? Hazard pay?

Come on. We do the job and we move to the next.

Just like we always do.

Remember Trinidad?

We worked that guy solid for what? Two days, two nights?

How could I forget Trinidad?


Let's go.

All right! Come on, Hazel!

What the hell?

Who'd you piss off this time?

I gave it as good as I got.

You didn't answer my question.

Oh, yes.

How's all that paperwork coming along?

It's a real page-turner.

I've got two guys in children's masks, rare bullet casings, a random fingerprint from a 1930s cold case, and...

I just learned that the tow truck driver from the doughnut shop didn't have any family.

The boy. Not his, apparently.

Kid's our only possible witness and he's a complete mystery.

Okay, what's going on?


You could have called me for an update. So why are you really here?

Nothin', I just, uh...

My mom.

She died last night.

Shit. Diego, I'm so sorry.

I remember how close you were.

Is there anything I can...

I just... I don't...

I don't know how to...

Is that what this is about?

Hey. Hey.

Tell me what's going on.

Who did this?

Let's just say I didn't get a good look at their faces.

You went after the guys in the masks, didn't you?

I didn't go after them. And one's a woman... by the way, so stop being so sexist.

I specifically told you not to follow them.

No, they came to my house, looking for my brother.

They tried to kill my family.


I don't know.

He's been missing since yesterday. I need to find him.

Diego, you need to let me handle this. You're not equipped...

Oh, you always loved tellin' me what I can and can't do.

You know, maybe, for once, just try things my way.

I can't.

No wonder we didn't last.


I'm sorry about your mom, Diego.

Really, I am.


Allison! Wait! Leonard!


I thought you were a...

Um... Where is Vanya?

She's at rehearsal.

She... She left her keys at my place last night.

I was just returning them.

I'm sorry if I scared you.


So why are you inside her apartment?

It's kind of embarrassing.

I had to use the restroom.


If you don't mind me asking, why are you here?

Excuse me? No, it's just... from what I heard, you didn't want anything to do with Vanya yesterday.

So, I was just wondering. I don't know why that's your business.

You're right. Probably not.

Uh, it was nice seeing you.

I guess I'll just... drop these off to Vanya at rehearsal.

You know what?

I'll take the keys to her.


Whatever's easiest, right?

It's great seeing you.

Oh, Jesus!

One chance. That's all you've got.

One chance to tell me exactly what's going on in that lab.

I... I manufacture prosthetic devices for fake patients.

I bill the insurance companies and then sell them for cash on the black market. Including eyeballs?

Yeah, they're my biggest seller.

I mean, they sell like hotcakes.

I... I've got a list, a waiting list, probably 20 buyers.

So, the serial number I told you...

Uh, could've already been bought.

Yes, off... off the books.

I needed that list, Lance.

Names and numbers, and I need it now!

I don't have it. I mean, not on me.

The only copy's in my safe at the lab.

Well, you start the car, then.

'Cause we're going on a field trip.

Okay. Now.


Like I said, Master Luther, Number Five hasn't lived in this room since he was a boy.

Yeah, I know, but we need to warn him. He doesn't even know we were attacked.

He doesn't know they're looking for him, he doesn't know... What are you doing here?


Do you know about Mom?

Well, It looks like you got what you wanted, one way or another, right?

Wanna tell me what you're doing here? Looking for Five.

Let me guess, you're gonna save the day.

It's what I do. Asshole.

Really? Last I checked, you mopped floors.

And what do you do?

Sit on the moon for four years, waiting for orders?

Boys. This won't help us find Five.

Keep on being a loyal soldier after everything our father did to you.

What? You mean save my life?

No, I mean... turn you into a monster.

Can't hide it anymore, champ.

He had a difficult decision to make, and he made it.

Grow up, Luther. We're not 13 anymore.

That's what leaders do, by the way.

He sent you on that mission all alone.

Almost got you killed. Yeah, well at least he was there.

Where were you? You and everyone else in this family?

You walked out. And thank Christ that I did, or I would have ended up just like you.

Let me ask you a question.

When you watch one of these nature shows...

Diego, please.

...does it turn you on? So what?

Is he just an animal to you, too now, Diego, huh?

Don't. Enough!

This house was attacked.

We barely got out with our lives.

And Grace... she wasn't so lucky.

Your brother is missing, and this is how you rise to the occasion?

Take your nonsense elsewhere.


Sorry, Pogo. Yeah, sorry, Pogo.

Maybe you're not hitting him hard enough.


You're the one with the stupid orthopedic bracelet.

I told you already, it's just for support.


It's starting now, isn't it? Must be.

Otherwise, who's the dead babushka?

I don't know, but it's driving me crazy.

The bitch won't shut up!

Hey! Watch your mouth.

What did I say about eyes front?

Stay calm, Klaus.

Maybe we're going at this the wrong way.

Remember section 76, sub A, of the training manual?

I barely remember what we had for breakfast at this point.

To paraphrase, torturing works best when you know who you're torturing.

Hand me his coat.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Let's see. What are you doing?

That's mine. That's my personal stuff. Oh!

What do we have here? Let me see that.

Hey, no, no, no, no. Be... Be careful with that.

It's... It's my... asthma medication.

Now we're getting somewhere. Hey...

No, hey! Whoa! No, hey, hold on! Hold on!

We can have a conversation. We're adults.

Okay, you want more? No! No!

No, no, no! Stop! Stop! Please, listen.

Listen, I can... I can get you cash.

Amputee hookers, whatever.

Hey, just, please, just listen. Just don't... No... Please...

Chocolate. Mm-mm-mm! Please...

You want a piece?

You gonna tell him that it's special chocolate?

Not until they're high as kites.

Klaus, be strong.

This could all be yours for the low, low price of telling us everything.

Okay, fine.

Okay, I don't...

I don't know where Five is. I wasn't lying about that.

But I can tell you that he's... hasn't... hasn't been making much sense since he came back.

Elaborate. I... Uh...

He's just... He's been acting like a... a... a lunatic.

He's been sitting in this van in front of a... a lab or something, and... looking for the owner of an eyeball.

One of those fake ones. That makes no sense.

Hold on, just hold on. Tell us more about this eye, and why is it so important?

He said it had something to do with the end of times, or something.

This is it. He's still here. This is Five's van.

Go. Go.

I'm One.

Damn it.

I know where to find Five.

Hey, what are you doing here?


I was looking for you. I, um...

I wanted to be the one to tell you about Mom.


Vanya, she's... she's gone.

I thought we were gonna wait a bit.

It was those psychopaths last night.

They killed her. We found her this morning.

And, listen...

Last night, what I said... No, no, don't... don't worry about it.

Oh, I have your keys.

Why do you have my keys?

It's a long story.

Do you wanna get a drink?


I hate sprinkles.

Maybe I just hate doughnuts.

Why are we here again?


God, yes, please.

Thank you.

The world is ending.

All this, all these... people, they'll be gone and they have... just... no idea.

This is not about a broken contract!

What? Five, son of a bitch.

He's trying to change the timeline.

So we're not only going to kill him.

We're gonna end the world.

Come on, let's get back to what's his name.


Klaus. Klaus.


Klaus! - Go away!

Dad, let me out!

Klaus! Dad!




You're in the worst of it now.

Just try and stay calm.

She can't hear you.

You know what the worst part of being dead is?

You're stuck.

Nowhere to go.

Nowhere to change.

That's the real torture, if you gotta know.

Watching your brother take for granted everything you lost and pissing it all away.

It's creepy, huh?

That's the understatement of the year.

Did you find anything?

Well, the fire inspector says that the speed of the blaze indicates that an accelerant was used.

Oh, and, uh... we... found this.


Get that over to the lab immediately.

I'll be right back.

"Your brother says hi."

My brother. Been missing since yesterday. I need to find him.

Son of a bitch.

Let's split up. Wow. Good thinking.



You wanna know why I left?

What? What are you talking about? Why I left the Academy.

Yeah, 'cause you couldn't handle me being Number One.

No. Because that's what you do when you're 17.

You move out, become your own person, grow up.

Oh, yeah.

You're a real grown-up.

At least I make my own decisions.

You've never had to hold down a job.

Pay bills.

You ever even been with a girl?


I don't know what you're talking about...

Look, you wanna blame me, blame us for leaving... that's okay.

But maybe you're asking yourself the wrong question.

Maybe it's not about why we left.

Maybe it's about why you stayed.

I stayed because the world needed me.

You stayed because you couldn't let go of the way things used to be.

The Academy. Dad.

With Allison.

Dad's dead. Mom too, now.

We're orphans again, dude.

And things are never gonna go back to the way they used to... be.

Do you ever stop talking?

Where are his parents?

Wow, that was easy.

I'm gonna call security.

Is he, um...?

Drunk as a skunk.

Leonard wouldn't. I mean, I can't even imagine.

Uh, I get it.

I don't wanna believe it either, but why would he tell you he's going to work, and then he's letting himself into your place?

To use the bathroom, like he said?

Or to creep around. He wouldn't.

Rifle through your stuff? Maybe steal something? I mean...

Jerk off on your Mr. Snuggles teddy bear? No!

No, stop.

Look, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but sometimes, men are unredeemable shits.

Well, maybe, but... I like this one.

I know it's weird, 'cause we only knew each other for a few days, but...

Leonard felt real.

Like he saw something in me no one else did.

I know the feeling.

God, I haven't felt like that since I was a kid.


Does everyone know?

Well, I'm the last person who should be speaking for everyone, but...

I always suspected.

You two were so close.

Yeah, well, he's not speaking to me, either.

Here we are.

Yay, sisters?

Yay, sisters.

You idiot! What?

You didn't put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door!

I did! I know I...


Oh, my God, he's still here.


What's he saying?

Oh! What are you sayin'?

You guys are scarier without the masks.

That's no way to say hello to your old friends, is it?

Can't we call it a night?

I already gave you what you wanted.

Just, please... please let me go.


Well, technically, we want your brother. Is your brother here now?

Uh, he...

You're gonna have to be a little more specific on that.

Ow! I told you already. He's not coming.

No one will. Well, Number Five knows now.

We left him a message.

And when he comes for you, we'll be ready.



Welcome back to the land of the living, Number Four.

Can I go now?

Have you overcome your fear of the dead?

You must become the master of your own life, Number Four.

Or it will become the master of you.

Please, I wanna go home.

Three more hours.


Don't leave me.

Klaus. Go away.

Dad! Klaus!

You went there again, didn't you?

No, no, no, no...

I have reason to believe two wanted criminals are in this motel.

Just two?

I'm gonna need to take a look around. Mm...

This is a pay-by-the-hour kind of place.

My customers, they don't get four-star digs, but... they do get complete privacy, from me... and from the man.

Hm. Pardon me.


That's bullshit.

They're your rules, not mine.

Think I ain't read the Constitution? I don't think you can read.

Come back with a warrant.

Hit him! Come on!

Come on!

Fighting Line Boxing. Al here.

I'm looking for Diego Hargreeves. - Not here.

Tell him Detective Eudora Patch called.

I think I found his brother.

Tell him to meet me at 4535 Calhoun as soon as he can.

Uh, hold on, hold on.

I, uh...

I could use some backup.

All right, lady. I'll let him know you called.

Well, we can't go back to the house.

It's not secure. Those psychopaths could come back at any moment.

My place is closer.

No one will look for him there.

If you vomit on me...

You know what's funny?

Aah! I'm going through puberty.

Huh. Twice.

And I...

I drank that whole bottle, didn't I?

That's what you do when the world you love goes bye-bye.

Poof, it's gone.

What are you guys talkin' about?

Two masked intruders attacked the Academy last night.

They came looking for you.

So I need you to focus.

What do they want? Hazel and Cha-Cha.

Who? You know, I hate code names.

Ah, the best of the best.

Except for me, of course.

The best of what?

You know, Delores always said she hated when I drink.

You should've made me a Shirley... Hey!

Hm? Yeah? I need you to focus.

What do this Hazel and Cha-Cha want?

We just wanna protect you.

Protect me.

I don't need your protection, Diego.

Do you have any idea how many people I've killed?


I'm the Four frickin' Horsemen.

The apocalypse is coming.

Oh, Jesus. Look at her.

At how she's looking at them.

She's one of their victims.

We can use this.

Go on.

You haven't been this sober since you were a teenager, since you decided to keep the ghosts at bay.

This is your chance, Klaus.

To control them, learn their secrets.

Try to talk to her.

Hi... Hi!

Hi, uh...

What's your name?

Zoya Popova.

Oh! That's a lovely name.

And can you tell me what happened?

What happened is if you don't shut up, I'mma cut your tongue out with a grapefruit spoon.

Zoya Popova.

What did he say?

Zoya Popova? Old Russian broad, short, with a limp.

Oh, she's really pissed at you guys.

Ah! I love your apartment.

I'm sure it's smaller than one of your closets, but...

No, really.

I love it.

I'm just gonna go check on things, make sure everything's in the right place.

Do you have sweatpants?

We are going to need... sweatpants.

Chocolate-covered raisins.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what are those?

They're from Leonard.

"I like you, and I'm not sorry."

I don't get it. It's an inside joke.

Hello? Hey.

I... I got the flowers. Thank you so much.

Oh, good.

To be honest, I was getting a little worried.

Worried, why? - Well, I hadn't heard from you.

And... it was a little bit awkward with your sister earlier.

It's fine. She knows it was a misunderstanding.

Do you wanna get breakfast tomorrow?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.

Well, I'll, uh, talk to you in the morning.

Okay, bye.

She chopped my hands off and let me bleed to death in the bathtub.

He took me to a temple, slashed my throat, watched me bleed out.

She crept into my room, put a pillow over my face, and told me not to bother praying.

They attached jumper cables to my nipples and shocked me for hours.

He pretended to have car trouble, and when I stopped to help, he ran me over.

Uh... forward, reverse.

Then he saw my wife waiting for me in the car.

She ran.

Just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Everybody, just... everybody just shut up, please shut up.

Jesus, you guys are worse than the drugs.

How could he possibly know about Zoya Popova?

Maybe he guessed, I don't know.

Who cares? She's dead.

You need to focus.

That little psycho could show up any minute.

Or do you wanna be docked pay again, go back and tell 'em we couldn't hack it, face those consequences?

Pull it together, now!

Swiss Alps, huh?

Which one are you? Cha-Cha or Hazel?


Jan Mueller. Remember him?

Swiss Alps.

Him and his wife were coming back from a ski trip.

I remember.



Yeah, that's it! Yeah! And his wife... escaped down an alleyway.

He says to say thank you.

What's he talking about?

I don't know.

He was so grateful to you, Hazel, for having spared his wife.

You know, there may be hope for him yet. Don't you think?

Bathroom, now!

Nicely done.

Thank you.


You told me you shot the wife in the alley.

And now I'm hearing that you spared her? Come on.

Don't be ridiculous. You think I'd do something like that?

I just...

I was bored.

I thought I'd give her a head start, make it more exciting.

Exciting? Wait, so... the kid in Tokyo, did he really get lost?

Aw, Jesus, Hazel!

Jan says you're a real mensch, Hazel.

He said you were such a great...

No.No! No! Now.

Screw it.

Oh... Shut up!

What the hell is goin' on with you lately?

You're just not...

Especially on this job.

You're distracted!

I thought we were in this together.

For the long haul. We are.

I'm sorry.

Are you Diego's brother?

Yeah. I'm Detective Patch.


Drop the gun, or you're going down!

I'm coming out. Don't shoot.

Hands behind your head, asshole. Okay.

Just don't shoot.


Couldn't have gone far.

That's not the only problem.

The briefcase.



Oh! Please be money.

Only money.

Or... treasure.


Funny. If I didn't know he was such a prick, I'd say he looks almost adorable in his sleep.

Well, don't worry. He'll sober up eventually.

Be back to his normal, unpleasant self. Yeah, I can't wait that long.

I need to find out what his connection is with these lunatics before someone else dies.

All that stuff he was saying before...

What do you think he meant by that?

You throw another one of those goddamn knives at me, I'm pressin' charges.

What do you want, Al?

I ain't your secretary. Yeah.

Some lady called for you, said she needs your help.

What lady?

I dunno. Some, uh, detective.

I think she said her name was, uh, Blotch or somethin'.


She needs my help.

She needs you to meet her at that motel, a dump on Calhoun.

When? About half an hour ago.

Uh, said she found your brother.

Well, that didn't make sense.


Go. I'll wait here with...



♪ This year's love, it better last ♪

- ♪ Heaven knows ♪ No, no, no! Eudora! No, no, no!

Eudora! - ♪ It's high time ♪

♪ I've been waitin' on my own ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no... - ♪ Too long ♪

♪ And when you hold me like you do ♪

♪ It feels so right, oh, now ♪

♪ I start to forget ♪

♪ How my heart gets torn ♪

♪ When that hurt gets thrown ♪ I was on my way. I was...

- ♪ Feelin' like ♪ Why didn't you wait?

♪ I can't go on ♪

♪ Turnin' circles and time again ♪

♪ Cut like a knife, oh, now ♪

♪ If ya love me, got to know ♪

♪ For sure ♪ I gotta go, okay?

♪ It takes somethin'... ♪ I can't be here when they come, okay?

♪ Than sweet, sweet lies, oh, now ♪

♪ Before I open up my arms and fall ♪

♪ Losin' all control ♪

♪ Every dream inside my soul ♪

♪ When ya kiss me On that midnight street ♪

♪ Sweep me off my feet ♪

♪ Singin' ain't this life so sweet? ♪