The Walking Deceased (2015) Script

I'm here on the ground where a group of what the White House is now officially calling the walking dead are what I'm officially coining brain feasting.

Now full disclosure. I've been absolutely warned against coming here and have signed a liability release in the case I am ravaged on camera.

News 13, consider this my interview for lead anchor.

We are now confirming the virus raping humanity is in fact a simple case of a restaurant employee not washing his hands, then preparing sushi gloveless for a group of homeless men invited in after raiding the dumpster.

This restaurant will not be passing its next health inspection.

Excuse me, sir. Where were you when the outbreak began?

We're live, so please don't cuss.

Shit! Shaun, we gotta go. Come on. Let's get out of here.


I'm a dumb-ass. Even for a dead guy, this is stupid.

A hospital? Why the hell did I drag my cinder-block feet in here?

There's no food, no living people.

Everyone dies and rots on their own in hospitals.

The living treat us like second-class citizens.

They've coined us what we consider racial slurs... zombies, walkers, travelers, shufflers.

We're the new gingers, soulless and shunned.

My zigga. Man, I was really hoping for a pumping heart.

Poor guy hasn't remastered speech yet.

I'm getting there.

'Sup?

Well, sort of.

So? Everybody my age had...

Oh, shit.

All right, my man's got two choices.

One, charge straight at this guy and hope he misfires.

Then he can chow down.

Or two, he can do the dumb thing and try to reason with him.

See, we're somehow inexplicably regaining our humanity.

Judging by our greeting, this guy isn't very far along in the process.

Go with option one, buddy.

Bad move. Good shot.

Ain't computer programming, kid. Outnumbered. I'll skip this meal.

...if you learn, like, C++, HTML, just like the basics...

I knew that was a bad analogy when I said it. Let's go. Vámonos.

Any specifics? I don't know. Let's find some shit.

Looks like they bounced pretty quick. This place is, like, fully stocked.

Just get somethin'. We don't got much time.

Do you have diabetes? No. You find any...

No, there's no porn. This is a hospital, not a sperm bank.

Keep looking. It's important.

I always wanted to pee on one of these.

Can we hustle, Usain? Yes!

¡Vámonos! Coming.

You get that blue, Heisenberg?

No. Stop calling me that. That's, like, super close...

Carl!

Living or dead?

Speak English, or you're headless, you son of a bitch!

Ain't computer programming, kid. You know, that's actually not...

Carl.

Carl!

Speak English, or you're headless, you son of a bitch!

Lower your weapons.

Be a lot more intimidating if you had more than a finger gun there, chief.

Sheriff.

Oh, God. Looks like some sort of mass-murder crime scene.

How long was your slumber?

God, it's like staring at the sun. Don't look at it, gay wad.

I can't stop. It's like a fri... Oh, my God.

It's like the two dried grapes at the end of a branch.

Boots first? Interesting choice. And wide-open asshole.

Whole gang came to play. That redefines chode.

I don't know if these are my boots!

That is a tiny, tiny coma dick. Yeah.

What happened? You get in a shootout or something?

Take a bullet for your partner like a bad-ass?

Last thing I remember...

Daddy? You're gonna watch me bat, right? Oh, absolutely, Chris.

I'm just gonna... gonna go over here and get a hot dog while you're on deck.

All right, buddy? I'm gonna hit a homer for you.

Okay, you do that. I'm 150% confident in you, Chris.

Hot dog! Get your hot dogs! Hot hot dogs!

All right, boys, pile in!

Give me one of them wieners. Daddy, look!

Nice. Yeah. Keep goin', Chris!

Good swing, follow through! Fundamentals, that kind of shit!

Strike! It's right on the tee, buddy!

Go, Chris! Strike two!

Gotta swing through it. It's on the tee! Hit the ball on the tee!

Come on, Chris! Strike three!

Would you goddamn hit the ball?!

Chris! Chris! Chris! Chris...

He's out!

Kid sounds like a real big pussy.

No offense. Hey, baseball's just not his...

Yeah, he's a real big pussy.

Somebody tell me what the hell's going on here.

Kind of hard to explain. Is it, though?

No, it ain't. It's the goddamn zombie apocalypse.

World has gone crazy.

#ReasonsIHateZombies was the number one trend on Twitter before the Internet went out. Truth.

Is a zombie in a yellow shirt ironic?

#ShitIGotNothing.

Stop reading my tweets, Jane.

Stepmoms are bitches.

You're telling me... that there's no more Twitter?

It's gone.

Instagram?

No. No, no...

Pinterest? No Tumblr.

LinkedIn?

Yeah, yeah. LinkedIn's still there. Nobody uses that.

Well, hey, man, we are shacked up at a mall, couple of other people.

We're surviving, so if you want to come... I gotta go find my family.

Ain't too many people left out there. Yeah, and judging by that baseball story...

Hey, my family is alive, all right? Okay.

I know it. My wife is smart.

She used to fend for herself all the time at work.

Well, good luck with that, Dep. Sheriff.

Deputy Sheriff.

Just Sheriff. Just Sheriff.

Well, we're gonna get these supplies back to our people.

If and when you find your family, Sheriff, we're there.

You know, I was gonna throw this little piece of shit away, but... seems like maybe you could use it.

Sure hope that long nap of yours didn't cause your aim to be off.

Every damn shot is precious.

Junior here has lost more than I can count.

Thank you. Junior?

Green Bay. Green Bay.

Chicago. Those your legal names?

No, we go by our favorite... Styles of pizza.

Chicago, Brooklyn, Green Bay. Green Bay style pizza?

Frozen. All right, all right, I get it.

If I run into a gay fat guy named DiGiorno Stuffed Crust, send him your way.

That was a joke.

Did humor get killed off in the apocalypse, too?

No, I think it died about five seconds ago.

Good luck, y'all.

Sure hope to see you later. That was weird.

Oh, what up, girl?

Definitely got some blood flowing now.

Mall? I could do that.

Possible Cinnabon leftovers, but also people who want to blow my brains out.

Cinnabon and hot girl win.


Little girl?

Sweetheart? Where's your parents?

First zombie kill's gonna be a toddler.

I'm not a zombie. I can't find my mommy and daddy.

That's exactly what a zombie would say.

Have you seen my daughter? I did.

Clever assholes.


That Sheriff's as good as dead.

What? I'm sure he can fend for himself. They're trained for this.

Did they add zombie apocalypse training to the police academy before the outbreak?

Good thing, because they totally kept us safe.

Jesus, you two fight way too much to end up together like everyone expects you to.

I'm gonna check the gennies.

Keep those sticky fingers to yourself while we were gone, little sis?

No, hell, no. Little silent monk tried to take my arrows.

Hey, Chicago, man, check under the pillows.

Keep your damn hands in your Polly pockets.

Was it a pretty fruitful run?

Yeah. Figured it was only a matter of time before one of these chicks get prego.

Well, she's barely 14, and I'd rather screw a zombie than any of you, so I think we're good.

Hey, y'all give any thoughts on that farm idea?

Rumor has it, ain't no walkers out there. Safe havens don't exist. They're mirages.

There's nothing pure left in this world.

Also check the gennies! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just upset about the Selena Gomez cardboard cutout incident?

It was late. I was lonely. It looked real. Drop it.

I, for one, think that we should go to the farm, you know.

This place...

This place sucks, and there could be some food there.

I, for one, could go for a scenery change.

Only reason I ever came to this mall was for Rico's, and... now that it's gone, ain't no reason to be here.

Looks like it's up to you, chickenshit. Fine. Whatever.

I'm in, but we're goin' tomorrow. I'm tired, and I want to sleep.

You just want one more night with Selena.

Baby?

I'm home.

Carl?

Carl?

It's Daddy. I'm okay, son. How you been?

Anyone home?

Zombie!

Well, if anything was gonna get you off the bottle, son, it's a goddamn zombie apocalypse.

Daddy, I went to work with Mommy.

We hide there. Love you. Miss you, Chrissy.

P.S. Sorry about your coma. I struck out.

I gotta take a shit.

Damn, I wish I could still ride my bike... but nope. It's just me and my floppy-ass feet.

'Sup, guys? Please don't follow me. You'll blow up my spot.

Shit, they can't hear my inner monologue.

No. Go away.

All they want to prove is that they're changing for the better, but no sane person will see it that way, not while they're in a huge mob.

Nope. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Damn it, stay back. This is not a party.

Please stop following me.

You're just gonna be a massive dead cock-block.


Main stage costs canned goods. Champagne room is a handgun, minimum.

There's no sex in the champagne room.

All right, so what's it gonna be, asshole?

Dad? Carl?

Who? Put the gun down, son.

You're alive. Yeah, I'm alive. I'm alive, Carl.

Carl.

Sorry I batted you into a coma.

It's okay. Just gotta choke up on the bat next time, all right?

Actually, I used that bat to kill my first zombie. Remember my girlfriend, Kayla?

Girlfriend? I remember you playing dolls with her and stuff, but you didn't finger her or anything, did you?

She's headless now. Grown up a lot since then.

Obviously you have. I'm a small business owner now.

That dipshit manager, Scott, was dead when Mom and I got here a month ago, but I figured people still need entertainment... so I kept it open.

Found a generator in the storage closet, so we have power.

I mean, it's a little dirty, but brains are a pain in the ass to scrub.

I gotta hand it to you, Carl. This is one hell of a business. I mean... hey, look at that chick on the pole, man. I think she's got eyes for me.

I'm proud of you, Carl.

Who? Wait. You had another son from this?

No, no, I... it's this coma thing. It must have messed me up.

Your mom, she... Oh, God.

Didn't turn, did she? Hell, yeah, she turned.

She turned in new moves. All right, watch this.

And now we welcome to the main stage our only living girl!

Shut the hell up! How many times do I have to tell you?

My beautiful mother... Barbie.

I been waiting all day for this! Show us those living tits!

Hey, that's my wife!


Chris! Chris!

Hey! Freaking wanker!

Don't you get it? No touching!

Baby?

Darlin'!

What the hell? That was my last can of beans, and all we get to do is watch?

Baby. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I'm sorry I left you. I forgive you.

It was just overrun, that hospital.

We just had to barricade your door and just pray you were gonna be okay.

I'm okay! Praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

Bet that's the only time that's been said from the pole.

Ed, you fat lard, get over to the bar, and help yourself to a big fat bowl of shut the fuck up! Language, Chris!

Baby, we're way beyond language being a problem here.

Is there going to be a show or what? We've been waitin' hours to see her.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys! Show is over, all right?

Now go find another place to waste your life.

We'll just go back to the Winchester.

Their happy hour isn't complete shite like this fine establishment!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, honey. Stay with me. Oh, not your boob!

There's gotta be something we can do! Somebody do something!

God, I wasn't talking about that!

I was talking about cutting her boob off!

Nobody pays top dollar to see a one-boob stripper.

Oh, no, no!

No!

No!

It's the world we live in now. Take a minute. Breathe deep.

I gotta go put out an ad for a headliner with double Ds.

Try Craigslist. Oh, yeah, and here's your Colt.

Didn't want some douche-bag doctor stealing it whilst you were coma-ed out.

You're a good shot, son.

It's funny? I couldn't hit a ball off a tee before the apocalypse, and now...

I can get a bullet between the eyes like it's nothing.

It's fucking hilarious!

Listen up.

I met these two guys at the hospital.

They're camped out at the mall.

Bald redneck and jumpy little shit that shoots like a girl?

Yeah, that's them. They came in here once.

Redneck was motorboating Mom, so I kicked their asses out.

All right.

We're gonna hit the mall then. You think this place can just run itself?

You're 12 years old. You shouldn't even know about strip joints!

So now you want to be my dad! Where you been when I needed you?

I was in a fucking coma because of you!

We're heading to the mall. Fine.

We'll load everything in my truck out back. I could drive now. Tossed my V-card, too.

One for my homeboys.

Let's hit it.

All right, have a good watch.

Front entrance is clear, just some kid zoms dragging Build-A-Bears.

I loved my Build-A-Bear. He had a cape and a baseball cap.

His name was Super Shortstop, 'cause he was like half the size of the other bears.

Supes adorbs. How have you survived so long?

Don't fall asleep. I want at least four hours.

Copy that.

Enjoy your swimsuit edition. It's a hunting magazine, obviously.

There's dead deer and blood and guts and fishhooks and manly stuff.

All right, whatever you say, little bitch. For the record, I hate that nickname.

So... close.

Almost there.

I can smell Abercrombie.

It's giving me a headache from here, and my brain barely even works.

Oh, no, that's good. Be my... be my valentine.

No, don't touch down there. Don't touch. Not there! Stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna go do a round. Sleep tight. I'll keep us safe.

Yes, sleep, child.

Now don't listen to Brooklyn. "Spring Breakers" was amazing, although I do wish you would've shown your boobies. Was that weird?

But I respect your purity, no matter what.

I cannot wait for the day that we can have these heart-to-hearts without this pane of glass between us.

Just really wanted some moment and...

Jesus.

Figured there'd be a breach with Shotgun Susan on watch!

You see anything while you were cleaning up your mess?

It wasn't near me. It was... Must've been from the other side.

Brooklyn, you come with me. We'll check the front.

Y'all three go around, check the side entrance.

God damn, Harlem.

You ain't doing good for your city stereotype.

Hey!

You think she's just silent for no reason? You comin' at me, Slick?

No, Slick, but listen... No. Did you double-Slick me?

This whole ordeal has been so traumatic for her that she can't speak anymore.

You don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.

This is a terrible hiding spot. No, don't.

Louder entrance than I would've liked, but it's hard to push open sliding doors with zero motor skills.

Hope they didn't get the wrong idea.

Just be confident. Girls like confidence.

But on second thought, I think I'm just gonna hang back.

Like way back.

Holy shit, this is sexy.

God damn it. Hero time.

Smell... like shit.

Hot... zombie.

Want... to bang.

Oh, my God. Thank you. That's so sweet. Wait!

What the hell for? He saved me.

Saved you? Are you crazy? Are you bit?

No, asshole. Get your dart gun out of my face.

So let me get this straight.

You, a dead-ass walker, saved the life of your food like some sort of vegan zombie?

What's your name, Romeo?

Romeo.

Yeah, that's what... that's what I said. What's your name?

Romeo.

Romero? He said, "Romeo."

That's so romantic and so dangerous, but your unrequited and superficial love for me totally overcome the very instinct that keeps you alive.

Y'all okay? Who's this pale, "Twilight" -looking douche?

It's Romeo. He saved my life, and he's staying with us.

Hell, no, he ain't. He's a walker.

Think about it. Think about it. If he's changing, maybe they all are.

He can convince them not to eat us long enough for him to turn fully human, and I can get in those dirty jeans.

You want us to risk keeping him around 'cause you're horny?

Yes, absolutely.

We could cut his stupid little zombie jaw off. He wouldn't bite us then.

That ain't a bad idea.

Chop off them gangly arms of his so he can't grab us.

And then we could hang our bags on his skinny-ass neck.

You're not touching him. Where's Harlem?

She's with Green Bay guarding the entrance.

Only a matter of time before we get swarmed again.

Whatever.

So... does your sister have, like, a type of guy that...

I knew it. Awesome. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

I take her to that little, like, Italian joint, like the tables there in the food court... Shit!

Here! Camouflage yourself.

No? Okay. I don't know.

Something here...

Hey, I know that guy. It's cool.

He was in a coma for, like, a month, and he survived with no food and no water, and he didn't shit himself, which is astounding.

Lower your guns. And your toys, homeless boy.

Carl... Chris.

Yeah, whatever. They're okay.

Good to see you, Sheriff. Can't say I'm glad to see you...

Mr. "Put it on my tab. I'm good for it." Shit.

Can somebody lock up before this turns into a real party?

Do it, cheesecake.

You boys got Jim or Jack?

I just shot my mother.

I could use a stiff drink.

Nice mall.

Hey, is there a Linen 'n Things in here?

Let's go, Carl. Chris.

Yeah. Thanks for remembering.

Well, it's not a Holiday Inn Express, but it'll do.

Who's this fricking guy?

Romeo. Romero? Like...

Romeo.

And he saved me from a group attack while you were shooting out windows.

What's wrong with him?

He's special, can't speak well, very emotionally damaged, and super hot. He looks like dead E.T.

He's a hero, and he's staying with us.

Ain't got the space. Camp's not big enough.

And he can share my sleeping bag. It's not a problem.

Darnell, I see you.

Did y'all know each other before the outbreak? Fate brought us together.

By fate, I mean I was at a gas station looking for some porn.

Portable reading material.

And old sissy shit shooter almost took off my head thinking I was a zombie.

Lucky enough for me, he's about as good a shot as Helen Keller, her being a woman and all.

Felt sorry for the kid. Thought he might need some extra protection.

Yeah, he'd be dead. So where'd you meet the girls and dart boy?

Those little bitches?

Bang.

You know you don't have to make the sound effects.

Makes it easier that way. No, it doesn't.

Got the dexterity of a cloven hoof. You're terrible.

Bang.

Guns, keys, no questions. Gun.

Don't have keys. Maxi pads in the bathroom with the toilet paper.

There might be some Ritz crackers. One question.

Can I keep my birth beads, please? John freakin' McClane.

Whatever you say, little bitch.

That's mean. Oh, come on.

I'm sorry, man. You're gonna make me lose my hair, kid.

Darnell, well, he was holed up here when we got here.

Ever found that titty mag? Still searching.

Did have a pretty romantic night with a Coldwater Creek catalog, though. Twice.

All right, well, let me know.

Balls just dropped, and... the only nonrotten hooters I seen in the last month were my mom's.

Will do, kid.

Ain't nothin' wrong with your mom's boobs, baby. All right? Hey.

Brooklyn and I have this, like, fifth-grade relationship where she's, like, mean to me 'cause she likes me.

Harlem thinks I should go for it. At least, I think she does.

She doesn't talk, kind of like you.

Brooklyn tells me you're, like, special, Something... like... that.

That's incredible, man. I so, like, admire your courage and your, like, will to survive with... your dis... disability.

Sheriff and I talked it through. We're leaving.

Hold up. What? Who's gonna assume leadership?

My instinct says Brooklyn, but I will step up if...

No, Nancy! We mean we're moving on from the mall, all of us.

Your instincts are way off. You never defer leadership to a woman.

I'm sorry. Did you forget who robbed you blind right in front of your eyes?

Not sure that's as insulting as you think. Hey!

This is not a democracy.

The decision's been made. We're heading to the farm.

So which one of you is the dictator?

Me. Me.

I guess it's one of them di-archy.

That was a steel toe.

Pack it up! Gather your things.

We're moving out in an hour. Make it 55 minutes.

45 minutes, we're gone. Change of plans. 30 minutes.

We're leaving right now. We should have left five minutes ago.

I'll lead the way. I know the country roads best.

But I got a bigger truck. Agree to disagree.

Shut your vagina holes. We got company!

Stand down! Stand down! We're not the walking dead!

We're just on a Zombie Walk! We are ZALARPing.

Zalarpine? ZALARPing!

What?

Zombie Apocalypse Live Action Role Playing.

That's like pretending to be Jewish in the Holocaust.

We're just trying to see how the other half lives.

Then get on with it somewhere else. Let's go. We're moving out.

Come on, buddy. Hustle it up. Hustle it up.

Y'all drive safe. We will. Thanks.

Hey, Gene. You can get up now.

Hey, you guys hear rumors about that super survivor?

Super survivor?

Rumor has it he's drifting place to place... waxing zombies. What do you mean, like bikini wax?

No, man, whack, like the mob.

World needs a hero like that more than ever.

Who the hell do you hear a rumor from? You're around the same people all the time.

You know what? I don't have to answer myself to you.

For all I know, you're the one telling me the rumors.

Did you ever think of that, you little Rice Krispie treat?

What?

Green Bay, you know with your seat selection, you have set a whole new precedent for cock blocking.

You are literally blocking Romeo's... while figuratively blocking your own.

Ain't cool, man. Romeo's cool, right, bro?

Guess... so. Man of few words.

Probably follow his lead, little squirt.

Your talking sure ain't getting your Mont Blanc in her Moleskein.

Moleskine. Your brat in her buns?

Your pin in my cushion? Somebody shit their pants?

That you? You ever take a bath?

Like before the zombie apocalypse? Gun in my holster?

Pencil in her sharpener? Plug in my socket?

You guys know the sixth most deadly weapon?

Crossbow.

And you know what number five is? Spoon.

You're freaking me out. Just stare out the window or something.

God damn it!

I think they just hit a zombie.

Hit a zombie.

I will tell you my first zombie kill story. So I was at the bowling alley...

...so I shot one.

What about you, Green Bay? Brakes.

That don't make any sense. Put your foot on the brakes!

Shit, son, speak up! You had half a mile!

Think we're here.

Safe Haven Ranch.

Darnell, lower your weapon. Listen up, we don't know who these people are.

They seem welcoming enough, but we don't know their true intentions.

It's a different world we live in now.

We don't know what they had to do to survive or what they became, so keep your guard up, everyone.

I was about to say the same damn thing. But you didn't.

These could be cannibals.

They could be hoarding zombies in a barn somewhere or starting a cult.

That seems far-fetched.

They could be serial killers using the zombie apocalypse as an elaborate cover for murdering everybody that comes here.

Kind of defeats the point. It's already apocalypse, so why be a serial killer?

Could be giant spiders. He makes a good point on the spiders...

You never know. You never know. ...so with that said, let's be on our toes, but be benevolent, be vigilant.

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Safe Haven Ranch.

Afternoon, sir. I can assure you we're here to cause no trouble.

I'm Sheriff Lincoln.

Well, howdy there, Detective. My name is Abraham.

Sheriff. Sheriff.

That's quite a knife you got there, Abraham.

Don't mind old Betsy here. She's just used in the barn.

I was on my way there when I saw y'all pull up.

Hey, y'all thirsty? My wife just made some Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid.

Sarah, honey? Would you be so kind as to bring out your special Kool-Aid?

We have visitors. I'm more a Hi-C guy myself, but let's go.

Come on up to the house.

God, oh, my God. Crazy old man, knives, makes Kool-Aid.

This is gonna be a bloodbath.

We're completely isolated from the dangers of the city.

Untouched, nobody around for miles.

You don't mind us asking, how have you stayed infection-free?

Well, we wash our hands.

Although we have had an illness in the family here recently.

Sarah, sweetie. All our guests have come. Oh, honey, hi.

I was show...

Well, hello. Welcome, everyone. Such a big crowd we got here.

Yes, ma'am. Sorry to impose. Oh, it's no imposition. Don't be silly.

We welcome everyone here with open arms.

I just made some Kool-Aid. Would you like some?

Green Bay here loves Kool-Aid. Oh, no, not...

He loves that sweet, sweet powdery drink.

No, you're thinking of Pixy Stix. Never seen you eat a Pixy Stix.

Abraham, put that thing down. People are gonna think we're crazy.

I forgot. Or crazier.

You have a grandson?

Good heavens, you make me feel old.

No, that's our daughter, Isaac.

Your daughter, Isaac?

She made that before the illness, long time ago.

She's real talented. So will y'all be joining us for dinner?

It's gonna be good food.

Sure. Yeah.

Excuse me, but... we don't allow strangers to use this door.

Go around to the side, please. Of course.

Okay.

We're gonna die. Hope they got beets.

Yeah, we'll meet you around there. It'll be easier.

I'll go get us another chicken. Oh, good idea. Good idea.

Hustle it up, Romeo.

Heavenly Father, we thank thee for the abundance...

Dear Jesus, please don't let Father Abraham notice my corpse fingers and realize that I am in fact dead. Also, please make me human again. Amen.

...and for our guests, may they find rest in their travels, and help us to find a pair of gloves for this young man sitting next to me, whose hand feels like dry ice. Yikes.

Do you have anything you would want to add, son?

Thanks... for... the peas.

In Jesus' name, amen. Okay, everybody dig in.

Seriously?

Green Bay, dive on in.

Oh, no, no, no. I insist, ma'am. You first. Ladies first.

Don't be absurd. You're our guests. You're first.


Not that I would even know if I were being poisoned, you know, being dead and all.

Well, Abraham, Sarah, your daughter Isaac, she's...

We'd rather not discuss her illness.

We don't want you to catch her... her bug.

So, everybody, eat up. Save room for dessert.

I've got some special pie with my secret ingredient.

Sounds delicious.

What is the... secret ingredient?

I can't tell you that.

If I do, then the whole neighborhood will be putting in orders.

Raw sugar. I'm only one slice away from diabetes myself.

I'm afraid some of you might have to sleep on the floor.

I don't think I have enough beds and couches for everyone.

It's quite all right, Sarah.

We plan on making a camp outside tonight. Thank you very much.

Actually, shotgun guest bedroom if it's available.

You got it.

I have back issues. No. More like privacy issues.

Wherever y'all decide to sleep is fine with us.

Just make sure you clean up your mess. Nonsense.

These hands have seen every kind of mess there is.


To any living soul, especially Selena Gomez, we have left this mall in search of Safe Haven Ranch.

Also, I've left my list of my rules for survival.

So they're totally crazy, right? Consensus on that?

They are definitely hiding something in there.

Yeah, their daughter.

Wouldn't be surprised if she's chained to a bed, growing sludge.

They sure are nice people, aren't they? Yeah, they do seem to be.

Rumor has it there's been people out there like them waiting for the cure.

I'd bet my bow on it.

Not exactly a happy chip to play there, Katniss, but point taken.

And who exactly are you hearing those rumors from?

Guess you ain't never heard of a tracker.

They want us dead. I can feel it. We need a plan.

I just hope we made a good first impression.

Your little angel heart is incapable of making a bad impression.

Let's make a preemptive assault, catch 'em in their sleep.

Jesus, kid. They're a combined 200 years old.

We ain't gotta channel SEAL Team Six or nothing.

Felt that reference coming. I think we should wait until the morning to do anything. I could use a good night's sleep.

Or at least a warm body to share my sleeping bag with.

Half chub? I got a half chub. I'm alive!

I guess I'll go take first watch.

There's nobody around here worried about anything.

I'm actually colder next to you.

Those creepy old assholes try anything, at least someone will be ready.

I love you. I love you, too.

It's a good idea, Carl.

I'll stay up with you for a while. Chris.

You can call me Dad, son.

Get some sleep, Pops.


Nope.

Thank you for the hypothermia and poison Kool-Aid, Father Abraham.

My hair gets poofy if I don't towel-dry. You smell like lilacs.

Yeah, I do, because they infuse it into their homemade soap.

Enjoy smelling like homeless butthole and sleeping on dirt, bitches.

Kate Upton, I will paint your body someday.

Hello?

Father Abraham?

Sarah?

Brooklyn?


You guys hear that? Hey, wake up!

Dad? Wake up! Carl.

Let's get in there and save that little pussy.

Should we, though? Yeah, we should. Come on.

Weird dude.

Rape! No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it!

Who are you? I'm a guest of your parents!

My parents don't have guests. Why are you here?

We were traveling outside the city, and we heard that your farm or ranch or whatever was a safe haven, which it totally says that it is.

I'm with, like, a huge group. They have a camp outside.

Did you not see them? They have, like, a roaring campfire.

I have night blindness. Oh, my God, me, too.

Why are you inside? I have back issues.

Me, too. Really?

Good God, dude! Are you torqued right now?

You're way hotter than I thought you were gonna be and also not dead.

What are you guys doing in here?

We're here to save your ass from that zombie bitch.

Don't say that word in here! Yeah, she's not a B.

No, the Z word. Why?

My parents don't know the world has turned to shit.

How is that possible? They never leave the property.

They don't have a TV, and they don't listen to the radio.

I mean, I turn it on once a day just to see if anything's changed.

I love this song.

And you haven't told them, because... Have you seen how old they are?

I mean, they would literally have a heart attack if they knew they weren't taken in by the Rapture.

So where have you, like, been this whole time?

We totally thought you were a zom... a Z.

Your parents kept talking about your "illness."

I don't have an illness. I just got into a little fight with them

'cause they caught me smoking a ganj.

With... with marijuana?

Totally cool, tubular. Like, yeah. Do that stuff all the time.

I didn't used to. I mean, I just started after I saw some of that shit.

You can say that again, Janis.

Joplin?

I mean, if that reference is too young for you, she was a huge stoner.

It ain't funny if you have to explain it. You get it.

So your parents found out and shunned you or something? That's pretty harsh.

My parents are pretty old-fashioned. Staying in the barn just keeps them off my back.

How long are you guys planning on staying?

We hadn't really...

We kind of thought that your parents were crazy killers hiding Z...

Zom... Z's, so...

Sorry I freaked you out.

You probably thought I was some, like, zombie rapist or s...

The scummiest of all the Z-words. Right. Only living rape for me.

Cut and run, kid. That was a joke.

I would never... Like, rape is bad. I'm not a raper... rapist.

I would never... I haven't even... You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and... never recovering from that one.

Good morning, everybody. Morning.

I just wanted to thank you for being the biggest cock-block ever last night!

I'm sorry, princess. Hey, did you say your prayers?

Yeah, always. I assume you didn't.

Kind of explains your attitude towards life and everything.

Tea bag? Oh, my God.

Nope.

Well, good morning, everyone. Morning, Abraham.

Still got his toys, I see.

Well, this looks like the beginning of another beautiful day, another blessing from our God in heaven.

We would like to introduce you to our daughter Isaac.

She's feeling better, and she wanted to meet you.

What's up, everybody? Nice day.

Hi. So very nice to meet you for the first time ever.

Y'all are welcome to stay for as long as you like, but if you're going to, I'd like to ask you if you could kind of help out around here a little.

My back's beginning to feel its age, and, of course, Isaac is a little limited, being a woman and all. He's right. My place is in the kitchen.

We're more than happy to help out, Abraham. Whatever we gotta do to earn our keep.

Actually, we could use quite a bit of help sowing our oats and gathering up brush and firewood.

Lucky for you, I am very good at sowing my own oats.

Oh, that's great. Tea bag?

I always liked this better as a parable.

Yeah, well... at least we're not running from brain-thirsty a-holes.

You can't be brain-thirsty. You don't drink brains, idiot!

Ease up on the kid, Brook.

I'm sure you can squeeze some juice from a nice ripe brain.

Clearly you're unaware of his supreme ability to be a huge little bitch.

Well, he seems manly enough to me. He can sow his oats like a pro.

Prepare for disappointment when it comes to shooting off on time or in the right direction.

You seem especially gritchy today, Brooklyn. You stressed?

Need a release? Not if you have anything to do with it.

I think I can help. I do know a place that can be a great stress relief.

I ain't opposed. Romeo? I'm... super stressed.

Whatever it is, I'm in.

Welcome to my stress ball.

Come on in.


Not what I expected. Impressed, though.

Props, farm girl.

I... prefer... meth.

Kidding.

I... yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I definitely always... always... always prefer to... to... to... to relieve stress, like... with... with that... with... with drugs.

It's... it's my... thing.

Yeah?

What you got in there? It's my own special blend.

I call it Hash of the Living Dead.

That's actually kind of creative.

Holy shit.

If I had a working brain, I'm sure this would be awesome.

Jesus, let me help you, brother.

I shall call you Lebong James.

All right, nobody touch me. I'm gonna get weird.

No one's, like... like, died from this, right? It's...

Dude, don't bogart that bong. Let's try secondhand the first time.

No. Bad idea. Good God.

It... it...

It's like... it's... the world is kind of...

It's, like, swirly. Swirly? Yeah.

It's like... kind of like fro-yo when you do the two mix. Know what I mean?

Frozen yogurt. Oh, my God.

I want fro-yo so bad right now.

Yeah.

Feel like I'm in a... giant womb of skin suits.


That sounded so cool.

Like angels clapping.

Pretty sounds make me happy.


Weird. Didn't know you could hallucinate on the ganj.

This is actually the clearest my mind has been in weeks.

My least favorite thing in the entire world is a Twinkie.

Hate Twinkies. Twinkies. Hate Twinkies.

Where's Green Boy?

Symphonious calamity!


Guaranteed A-Rod, McGwire, the Rock, all survived 'cause of steroids.

What the hell was that? Obviously fireworks, dipshit.

Okay, that was at the barn. Let's go.

Holy F-word S-word. Did you guys see those fireworks?

Stress relieved.

Damn, kid. If I am not in love with you right now...

That... shit was dope, Green Man.

I was just doing me, man, just doing me.

Do you.

What was that? Warning shot?

You been infected? Answer!

Dude, we're just baked.

Hey!

Enough with the violence, Chris. I mean, did Mandela's death mean nothing?

Tupac and Biggie nothing?

Can't we just find some kind of peaceful resolution?

What in the name of seventh heaven have you done?

Don't you know we're under severe water restrictions and fire warnings?

This drought is serious! That was, like, 15 years ago.

Well, I guess it's about time to renew our newspaper subscription.

I'll go into town tomorrow.

You have any idea how loud that was? I dunno.

That must have been audible for miles.

Oh, my God. You guys saw those pretty sky flowers, too?

Isaac, what is wrong with you?

You look like you've been doing drugs.

Mother, trust me. We totally have.

Suuuuper-duper stoned.

For the record, I will say it. It was awesome.

Kids still shouldn't do it. Just a little PSA for you two lovebirds.

I see that chemistry, though.

Isaac, this is not okay!

Who the hell is that? Where? What...

It looks like old Hank, our next-farm neighbor.

He sure is walking funny. You all right there, Hank?

He ain't all right. Let me do him.

Why are you playing with a child's toy?

We've actually been wondering that for, like, a real long time.

Hey! Like you should talk.

Shooting contest, you and me, right now!

Oh, Jesus. That'd be like watching a WNBA game.

No, Hank! No!

Son, you know what you just did?

I just killed a zombie that was about to rip your leg off, you crazy old man.

Hey! Carl! Show some respect.

What's a zambie? A zombie.

Everyone outside this farm has been infected by a crazy virus.

People are eating each other out there. And my buzz is completely gone.

Thank you, Hank. God rest his soul!

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be.

I just found out myself, came out of a coma a couple days ago. Whole world was gone.

Isaac, why have you kept this from us?

I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought...

She thought it'd be too much for you to take.

I can't believe that you're doing drugs!

Oh, God, forgive us!

We have failed as parents!

Mother, Papa, I am so, so sorry.

Did they not hear the whole zombie apocalypse thing or...

That's some pretty selective hearing. Sucks for your girlfriend.

Oh, my God. Will you quit that shit for five seconds?

I'm sorry I'm not Rambo, and I wasn't prepared for the freaking zombie apocalypse like everybody else apparently was. Yeah, I can't shoot. I'm sorry.

Get off my back! You and your sister are complete assholes!

The only reason that we keep you around is because you're hot, and she's a child!

I'm a teenager, fart face!

Swear to Christ, little girl. If you open your mouth one more time, I will rip that zombie's jaw off and sink its teeth into your neck!

Wait. Did you just talk? I thought you were, like, too traumatized to speak, or...

She was a mute.

Use a real weapon, damn it! That's how walkers talk.

She's deaf, you mega asshole... cowboy asshole, dipshit little bitch!

How have you guys not noticed? Are you all that self-absorbed?

How does she know what we're saying then? She can read lips, you idiot!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Everyone calm down!

Whatever, man. This is freaking bullshit. So what's the plan, Sheriff?

I mean, I thought this was some kind of a diaphragm or whatever.

Di-archy.

You just got high with a bunch of college-age kids.

I don't respect your opinion as a leader anymore.

Hey, hey, hey, Carl! That's enough! That's enough!

We're losing our humanity here?

Let's take a page out of Romeo's playbook.

Keep it calm.

Fine.

Sheriff, I guess you're the sheriff now.

I always was. Fine, Chief.

Sheriff.

And why don't you... get your goddamn Kid Rock, Kenny Chesney, poser-ass hat off my Stetson?

All right, listen up. I said listen up!

Do I have your attention now?

Everyone look away! Look away!

All right, look back!

Now, obviously this place isn't untouched anymore.

Right? It's just a matter of time before that fence is breached.

They will swarm.

The way I see it is we got two choices.

One, we could do the smart thing and run like the pussies we are.

Or we could stand our ground and protect these sweet, innocent old people and their hot stoner daughter from the infection and the inevitable invasion of the walking dead and the living dead and all sorts of dead, which we may or may not have brought here through stoner fireworks.

I'm all for battle, but us versus a town full of zombies, that sounds pretty damn stupid. Then there it is. We stay.

I mean, it is our fault that they're getting through, so...

Was I the one baked and going all Fourth of July out in this janky barn?

Oh, wait, no. No, that was you guys.

Where the hell is little Romeo, anyway?

Not you, stroke face. Green Bay. Where's Green Bay?

Looking... for girl. Well, go find him then.

He's just making it worse.

Take your time, buddy.

All right, spread out.

Do something official.

I'm gonna look for... any evidence of...

I'm looking for a roach.

Oh, boy. I know exactly where this is going.

Hey... where's your girl? Man, I don't know how to get to her.

I mean, I know girls want their space or whatever, but I gotta get inside somehow.

I can't go to her parents. They hate me.

I know... what to do.

Right. I'm gonna just knock. That's...

God!

Dude.

What the hell? Hey, Isaac.

Dude, uncool. If you break the window, I'm gonna get blamed for it, and I'm already in deep shit.

It... was me.

What's your name again?

Romeo. Romero? Like George?

No. Romeo, like... You're kidding me. That's even better.

Yes, not kidding. Okay, one, sorry I disturbed your peace. My bad.

Two, we have a pretty looming problem out here.

The portal in the fence that's letting dead people in? Haven't forgot about that.

We're staying... to help fight. Okay. Now get me out of here.

But, see, I'd rather you stay inside, like away from... safe.

Can't this bitch just sneak out the window?

Okay, okay. On it. Just...

Too... awkward.

Agreed.

What do you want, son?

You and your friends are no longer welcome in this beautiful home that my grandfather built with his own two hands, that I restored into the lovely summer cottage that you're looking at before you.

When this is all over with, you should start a bed-and-breakfast, but... these zombies, they're coming. They're rabid. They don't stop.

You guys can survive a little while in here, but eventually you're gonna need supplies.

We can fix the fence. By the way, that was Hank's fault.

We can do everything we can out here to hold them off, but we need Isaac.

What part of "no" do you not understand?

She's in enough trouble as it is.

You and your people haven't exactly been a good influence on her.

Look, sir, we gotta go. There's no time.

This is literally life or death. All I need is five minutes, just five minutes.

10 minutes, that's all you get.

Okay? Okay, yeah. That sounds good.

Just a minute.

What's the password?

Is it... Father Abraham had many sons And many sons had Father Abraham?

You may pass.

Isaac? Isaac, are you decent?

No. I've gotten completely naked since we last talked.

Okay. I was being sarcastic.

I know. Okay. Let's go. Okay.

Heavenly Father, just as you protected David against Goliath, watch over us.

Help us to rise up with strength. Yes, Father.

We will fight with all we can. Hell, yeah.

And please speak to Isaac's heart about her irresponsible use of marijuana.

Please, God. In Jesus' name, amen.

Amen.

All right, I say we head out to the west side, check that out first.


Carl, binoculars.

Chris.

Yeah, there they are just waiting.

Better to fight 'em here in the trees. We should draw 'em here to us.

So just let them charge us like a Civil War battle?

They got teeth. We got guns.

And Darnell's shooty thingy.

So you can't shoot? I mean, I can shoot.

Just most of the time, you miss. Yeah, that's the gist of it.

These living-dead douche bags are easier to kill than you think.

How's that?

Well, for some reason, their skulls are super soft.

I mean, I'm talking newborn-baby soft.

Guns are guns, but I guess there's more than one way to kill the living dead.

Extremely convenient.

That is true.

Let's draw them in.

Hey! Hey! Over here!

Look at my neck!

You want to bite this?

Hey!

You guys ready? No. I'm out of bullets.

Shit. All right, reload, reload!

Damn it!

All right.

Let's do it! Yeah!

You should try inner monologue.

It'd be really great to actually hear your voice.

What was that?

It's coming from the porch. Oh, my God! The stoners are here!

What are they doing here? Sarah, be quiet. You'll attract more.

They probably smell your stew, and it's giving them the whatchamacallits.

Munchies, Father.

Take Mom to my old room. I am not leaving you here.

Damn it, Dad! Take her to my old room!

You watch your language, young lady.

Hey, we can take these assholes.

Yeah, and you can do it without a gun.

Soft skulls, you say? The softest.


Check this.

Awesome. Oh, shit.

I got an idea.

Nickelback!

What?

They make me want to blow my brains out. Figured it might do the trick. Come on.

Suck it! Yes!

Wait.

Hey, handsome... "Cloud Atlas," "Inception," and "Pan." Explain.

That was awesome.

Isaac? Isaac?

Come to your old bedroom, which is now the guest room! Now!

Oh, shit. I bet they found my old bong.

Or my magazine. Come on!

If you haven't heard already, the world's top scientists have finally found a cure for the disease and have released it into the water supply.

Pretty obvious solution. Surprised nobody thought of it before.

Anyway, the President released a statement urging everyone to turn their sprinklers on.

Meanwhile, there's still no cure for Miley Cyrus.

Hey! Hey, come on! Hey!

Hey!

I got him.

No, I got him. I got him. I got him.

Oh, hell, yeah. I was only five feet away that time.

For the love of God, man, use a gun.

Hey, that's that wanderer guy!

I told you the rumors were true. Then why the hell'd you shoot him?

Oh, shi... oh, shit.

I was... I was just loading the thing. I mean...

It was already loaded! I know that now, Captain Obviouses!

Yeah. That's why I use this.

Darnell, what the hell you doing?

Go getting my arrows. You got 20 in your fanny pack!

God damn it, would you get off me? I just murdered a man.

Look out!

Oh, my God!

No!

Carl, take the shot if you got one. I ain't got one!

My fucking name is Chris!

Oh, my God!

Save me. You can amputate it.

Holy shit. That was hot.

Guys, guys, come back to the house! Come back to the house!

Don't have to tell me again.

Come on.

God, finally. It's inevitable, isn't it?

I wonder how the blood flow is down there.

I want to be with you forever. I'm sorry. What?

Our love... will bind us for eternity.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. How do I get out of this?

Bite me... hard.

Oh, thank God.

That was easy. Now we can be dead together.

I can't wait to tell Harlem.

What's going on? What's going on with the feathers?

I'll explain those later. Chicken zombies?

Hey, guys! Guess what? What?

Romeo and I are together. That's news.

Whatever that means. Look, they found a cure.

What? No bullshit.

They confirmed it last week. They dumped the cure in the water.

It cures zombies on contact, gets in through their bites, through their sores, any open wounds they might have.

Butthole? What? Really?

And here I thought love was making me human.

Apparently it hurts like a son of a bitch... Anything in the butthole does.

You regain consciousness. You're coming alive. Who can complain about that?

Damn it!

So basically we just wait here till they come by, and then we douse 'em.

I'm gonna go ahead and test this theory.

Yep, it stings.

You branded yourself? That's like the sexiest, most hard-ass thing ever!

Well, that was the worst cover-up I've ever heard.

You totally knew. Branded, my ass. You been bit. When?

About three weeks ago. Wait. This whole time?

You been a zombie this whole time? You been deaf this whole time?

Good God. And you, too!

No. Mine just happened a few minutes ago.

Anyone else? Holy shit, that's unpleasant!

Oh, my God! Can I go back to being a zombie?

Matching bites. That's cute.

I can't believe I didn't realize you were a zombie until just now.

I guess I was just blinded by how panty-melting hot you are.

You're very hot, too. Wanted to tell you that for a while.

You're a super bitch, but you're also super hot.

We got company. Spray lead.


What the hell are you doing? They're better.


Damn, girl. Let me holler at you for a sec.

You make those healing legs look hella good.

Yeah. I swear, Green Bay, if you cock-block me right now, I will...

My man. "Penthouse"? "Playboy"?

"Maxim"? Swimsuit edition? Freaking L.L. Bean? What?

God bless, you are desperate. No. God damn!

Yeah, the Reaganites had a huge porn stash in their bedside table. Come on, dude.

I jacked one of Isaac's birth-control pills, antifungal cream for whatever disgusting zombie STD she's carrying, and a pocket bible for when you realize just how badly you need Jesus.

And there's a Coldwater Creek from, like, 1972 in the bathroom if you really have to go that far.

You brought me birth control, kid? I got you.

Love you, bro.

All right. Now why don't you show me where you got bit?

I think I might be married.

I only run from the words "I think I might be..." that's followed by the word "pregnant."

Now let's get that blood flowing.

Don't be afraid to make the first move, son.

And I know you're beyond your years, but you're still a kid, so go ahead and give her a kiss.

I love you, Chris. Love you too, Pops.

Sorry for almost killing you and... It's okay.

...killing Mom. Well, she was a bitch.

I'm gonna have some issues. Yes, you will. Yes, you will.

What'd you do to your hair?

There you are, sweetie. Oh, give me a hug.

Good to see you, too. Oh, my sweet girl.

I love you, Mom. Love you, too, honey.

Let's go to my room. To the barn?

No. Haven't you heard? I moved back in with my parents.

So embarrassing. Hey, just blame it on the economy.

That's what I do every single time. Come on.

We have to get this off. Come on. It's still bloody. It's still...

Are you okay?

Good God!

Kiss me! You smell so terrible!

So do you. Let's do this.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God...

Wait. What? No. What? Wait?

Hope you didn't have any plans for Memorial Day.

NASA has just announced that an asteroid the size of Texas is on a direct path to Earth. The end of the world is here again.

Shit!

On the bright side, till that happens, we got nothing but commercial-free music lined up, and Justin Bieber kicking it all off next!

Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.

Well, lucky enough for me, he's about as good a shot as Helen Keller, her being blind and all. No.

Her being a woman and all. I'm sorry.

I started compiling zombie... Stop it!

God!

I'm so sorry.

So your parents found out... Yeah.

So your pounts found...

Man... Hold on. Sorry! Emily was in.

Emily, can you clear the shot?

My place is in the kitchen. We're more than helpy to happ out.

Damn! Too good. Ready?

Why isn't the ice working? It's the left one.

No, I did it.

And print it. Shit.

You know, I was gonna throw this little piece of shit away, but...

Piece of shit away, but...

Clever assholes.

Fuck! Jeez, guy. Cut!

Sheriff. Sheriff.

Goddamn zombies on bicycles.

And...

Line.

By the way, that was Hank's fault. Do you guys live near an airstrip?

Sorry. I wish we'd just cut this crap off.

Hold it up.

You guys see that plane? Could be a zombie plane attack!

I just killed a zombie that was about to...

I just killed a zombie that was about to bout your...

Sucks for your girlfriend.

We're losing our humanity here!

Let's take a pa... I got you, dog.

Let's take a page from Romeo's... Let's take a page...

Be quiet now. Be quiet. They probably s-smell your stew, and it's giving them the munchies or something.

Sorry. Let's take that again. That's okay.

Okay.

I cleaned up a mess once. I'll make a mess on your face.

She'll clean it up. Very handy that way.

Sounds like we should have went to the airport instead of this farm.

That is a...

They got flights going out all the time.