The Watch (2012) Script

EVAN: What's out there? Out on the great beyond?

And what's beyond that? What's beyond "beyond"?

The answer is, I don't know.

And quite frankly, I don't want to know.

Because what I do know is that they don't hoId a candIe to the greatest town... in the greatest country on the greatest planet... in the whoIe universe.

Glenvoew, Ohoo...

USA, Earth.

Here in Glenview, we value diversity. l, myself, am friends with an lndian man named Clyde... and Mrs. Kim, a wonderful widow from Korea.

Hey, Mrs. Kim. Spray me!

Spray me, neighbor.


Sun shower. Fun shower. l don't have any black friends yet, but l am on the market.

My name's Evan Trautwig. Oh, Ed Bosani.

Every day, l ask not what Glenview can do for me... but what can l do for Glenview.

Jared, your gIutes are tighter than a snare drum.

That's why l founded the running club... the Spanish table at the community center.


And created the position of Deputy Secretary at the city council.

AII right, next item on the agenda. . . stipuIates curb height for wheeIchair access. . . be no more than six inches in height.

I know this is a hot topic, so I wiII defer to the commissioner.

Here, dreams really do come true.

A simple man can start out as a junior manager at Costco.

And, 1 2 years later, with hard work and gumption... end up the senior manager at that very same Costco.

I shouId know, because that man's name is me.


I don't mean to bust your chops, kid, but this is totaI buIIshit.

Those rats are as fIat as they ever have been.

I'm sorry. It reaIIy shouId be working.

Excuse me, sir, if I might.

The activation button is right there.

HoIy shit! This is incredibIe.

There's chipmunks coming out of the TV, Costco!

Look, the whoIe gang's here.

It's a great set. FuII HD. 1 080p, 240 hertz, TrueMotion.

Hey! Buddy, pIease, this is a miracIe of technoIogy.

This is incredibIe. Where do I pay for this baby?

Justin wiII Ioad you up. Go to front-end check out.

You're a beauty. Thank you, switch man.

Turning the switch on. Turning on a whoIe new worId for me.

Hey, Justin, if we stop by some free food sampIes. . .

I'm not going to be pissed, either.

EVAN: But you know what? lt's not all about work. l have had a lot of fun... and formed friendships that will last a lifetime.


Hey! There he is.


There are fifty stars in the American fIag.

The Constitution was created in 1 787.

And, I am now an American citizen.


Yes. Oh !

Antonio, that's great!

I knew it. Good things happen to good peopIe.

And you are a good man.

And Iook, boss.

I got a new tattoo to ceIebrate.

Wow. That's reaIIy fresh, isn't it? Yeah.

"Proud to be an American." Good.

Maybe keep it covered, though, because it's not reaIIy Costco poIicy, okay?

Yes, of course, boss.

I'm proud of you. This is great.

AII right, I have to get out of here.

Oh, hey, Iisten.

If a bag of BugIes and a six-pack of Coke go missing. . . it's on me. You earned it.

Thanks, boss.



Woke up quick at about noon Just thought that l had to be in Compton soon l gotta get drunk before the day begins Before my mother starts bitching about my friends A car pulls up Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino rolling Kilo G He rolled down his window and he started to say lt's all about making that G.T.A.

Costco security, motherfuckers!

Yo, man Get the fuck out Cruising down the street in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches Slapping the hos l went to the park to get the scoop Knuckleheads out there Cold, shooting some hoop

'Cause the boys in the hood are always hard You come talking that trash and we'll pull your card Oh, yeah.

It's time to come out of the pooI, Denise.

Hey. . .

What the heII, man !






Mr. Trautwig?

Is that you?



Who's there?




What the fuck?

Listen, they gave me a gun, okay?

And they didn't teach me to use it properIy.

So, you're in a Iot of danger.

If you don't just back the fuck up, okay?


Oh, no!



ABBY: It's just a baby shower, hon.

EVAN: I don't know why you're so excited about going there.

Everything is so great here.

We used to hate New York together.

It was Iike one of our things.

It is great here, Evan. I Iove it. It's just a IittIe boring.

ActuaIIy, it's super boring.

I want to get out and see the worId a IittIe bit.

Get some cuIture, eat some good food. Go to a few museums.

We have museums here.

I think we're stiII a coupIe of days away.

But when I get back, I'm going to waIk through that door. . . and we're going to S-C-R-E-W. . .

Ooh ! right on the kitchen fIoor.

Mmm. I Iove it when you speII it.

DefiniteIy. Or we couId do it in the bedroom.

Thank you.

Or we couId start in the kitchen, then move up to the bedroom.

Bye. Have fun.

Be safe!

I Iove you.

What is going on?


Whoa. Sorry, sir, I can't Iet you in there.

It's okay, I'm the manager. This is my store.

I'm afraid your store is cIosed untiI further notice.

What are you taIking about?

We can't divuIge that, sir. PoIice poIicy.

Oh, wait a second, you're the manager.

Do you happen to know the name of the guy who was working Iast night?

Yes, Antonio. Antonio Guzman.

Why? Did something happen to him?


Yeah, he's dead.


Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

It Iooks Iike your friend was ripped apart by a wiId animaI.


We're deaIing with one sick son of a "b."

Took the victim's skin.

(STAMMERING) Are there. . . any Ieads?

Or fingerprints? Or did they. . .?

SIow down, guy. We onIy got here two hours ago.

We strung up this yeIIow tape, which took a whiIe.

So, you knew the victim weII?

Yeah, he's a friend.

He just became an American citizen.

And that made you angry.

No, it made me happy. I was happy for him.

Then why did you kiII him?

I didn't kiII him.

What are you taIking about?

Why are you staring at me Iike that?

Just kidding. Come on, maybe you can heIp ID the body.

Back here. I had you going, though. Man !



NEWSCASTER ON TV: The victim has been identified as Antonio Guzman.

Here's what police told us about the attack.

BRESSMAN: We wiII do the best we can... but I, for one, would like to put some of the responsibility... on the citizens of this town.

(SCOFFS) There are only eight cops in this town, and there's thousands of you guys.

Not to point fingers or anything, but...

Stay with us for the latest details on this developing story.

Back to you, Gail.




That's the haIf, and as the pIayers march into the Iocker room. . . we're going to be joined on the fieId by, um. . .

Evan Trautwig.

Did anyone here cry themseIves to sIeep Iast night?


It's okay. You can Iaugh.

Laughter is a common expression of grief.

And yes, I did cry. . . because a man was kiIIed yesterday.

But tonight, my tears have turned to fists.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Because whoever did this is stiII out there.

BOY: Who is this guy?

And we need to stop him before he strikes again !

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Oh, he struck again. (BOYS LAUGHING)

EVAN: No more murders!

Shh ! (CHOKES)

EVAN: Because our society has ruIes.

And one of those ruIes is. . . you can't kiII someone and take their skin !

That's not cooI.

So, with that in mind, I am forming a neighborhood watch.

A task force of concerned citizens to soIve the murder of Antonio Guzman.

To keep an eye on any and aII suspicious activities. . . and generaIIy. . . get to the bottom of things.

Thank you.


Okay. SoIid turnout.

Thanks everybody for coming.

You're that guy from Costco, right?

Yes. I am that guy.


EVAN: AII right. You want to--? (DOORBELL RINGS)


One more concerned citizen.

Do you mind if I Iook around the pIace a IittIe bit?

Looks Iike you have a Iot of knickknacks.

Oh, wow. Hi.

Neighborhood watch meeting is. . .?

Yes. ReaIIy? Yeah.

Great. I'm Evan. I'm Jamarcus.

Great to meet you. Good to meet you.

Great, that's great. I was hoping another person wouId come. . . and you're the best type of person it couId be.

ActuaIIy, I couIdn't have even hoped for someone Iike you.

I'm so pIeased to have this effect this earIy.

Terrific, this is exciting. Come on in.

I'm excited, too. Great.

Most peopIe are disappointed when they meet me which is so. . .

British? I am, and you're American.


This Iooks Iike it's from ThaiIand or something.

I don't know what it is. BeautifuI.

Oh, my God ! There's another doII in here.

Hi, Iook at this. There's a doII in here.

Man, Iook at this thing. Oh, my God, there's another one.

Look at this. Did you know that?

Yeah. I did.

It's a Russian nesting doII. Do you want to have a seat?

That's incredibIe. Look at that IittIe doII.

Oh, my goodness, Iook at that. It keeps going.

It keeps going, there's more. There's more doIIs in here.

They caII them nesting doIIs.

You want to sit down? We can start the meeting.

There's more doIIs. You have one doII, you have another.

I put this on top of this doII.

I just have to see. I have to get to the bottom of it.

You're kidding me.

Okay, why don't we start the meeting?

You're not going to teII me that goes again.

What's that?

Guys, there's another one.

Where can I pick one of these up?

I'm not sure.

Want to sit down? We can get going.

I'm going to jump in here and do this.

Let's make party out of this thing, right?

Here's some handbooks.


AII right. My name is Evan.

I want to thank you aII for coming. . . and I thought we'd start out by just getting to know each other.

Maybe we each stand up, say who we are. . . why we joined up, what it's aII about for us, okay?

You have any beers whiIe we get acquainted?

Beers? No, no beers.

AII right, I'II start this off.

My name is Bob, with a "B." (CHUCKLES)

WeIcome, Bob.

I Iove the town. I Iove my wife, I Iove my daughter.

And I Iove getting a chance to hang with the guys.

So, I'm reaIIy into what you're doing here.

Once a week, away from the wife and kids.

TeIIing some dirty jokes, having some beers, if we're good.

I reaIIy Iook forward to getting a chance at tearing this shit up.

ReaIIy fucking it up.

Great. Thank you, Bob.

ReaIIy great to meet you, bub. You, too, paI.

Uh. . .

That was a great speech.


WeIcome, FrankIin.


A few years ago, I dropped out of high schooI.

I wasn't feeIing the vibe.

I wanted to become a member of the GIenview PoIice Department.

I guess they didn't see the magic that was me.

ApparentIy, I didn't pass the written exam. . . or the physicaI exam, or the mentaI heaIth exam.

Whatever that means.

So, here I am with this vigiIante squad.

And I figure, that's the best way to work through my emotionaI shit. . . and bust some heads in the process.

Okay. Just to be cIear, we're not a vigiIante squad.

VigiIante squad, miIitia. . . Whatever you're going for, doesn't matter.

No, not a miIitia or a vigiIante squad.

Every group needs a wiId card. . . and I think it's safe to say we found ours.

I dig it.

Thank you, FrankIin.

You got a good one here.

What are you about?

HeIIo, my name is Jamarcus. I'm recentIy very happiIy divorced. . . and just Iooking to get more invoIved in the IocaI community.

WeII, that was simpIe. WeIcome, Jamarcus.

AIso, I have this one scenario in my mind. . . that I'm kind of hoping pIays out Iike this.

Young, sexy, Asian housewife. AIone at night, frightened.

A noise out by the trash cans.

Best caII the Neighborhood Watch.

I show up, Iook heroic and then, get this. . .

She sucks my baIIs.


Hear me now.

I'm aIso interested in that happening to me.

Okay, weII, Jamarcus, Bob, FrankIin.

I guess it doesn't matter what brought us aII here.

What matters is that we're aII united in one cause.

And, with that, I wouId Iike to weIcome you aII to the first officiaI meeting of. . . the Neighborhood Watch.


Now, I've taken the Iiberty. . . of dividing GIenview into 1 2 sectors.

Though some might argue there are 1 3. . . if you abide by the Yorktown Zoning Commission ruIing.

I'm not buying it, but I'm not from HoneyweII County.

Thank God.

I'm sorry to be the squeaky wheeI. . . but it feeIs Iike you have a Iot of dense materiaI. . . that you're starting to go through here.

And to be honest with you, my house is about five bIocks away. . . and I just fixed her up.

GentIemen, I got drinks, I got La-Z-Boys, I got fIat screens.

I got the whoIe nine. I know you guys are going to Iove it.

I just want to throw it out there.

If I'm overstepping, just say the word. . . and you're not going to hear another squeak from this IittIe wheeI.

WeII, honestIy. . .

That sounds a fuck-Ioad better than this. No offense.

I don't even know why I'm stiII sitting here.

I'm going to go warm up the car.

BOB: You're going to Iove this pIace. It's awesome.

GentIemen. . .

WeIcome to paradise.

Oh, yes.

BOB: I'm a construction manager, and. . .

I buiIt this IittIe sIice of heaven with my own two hands.

It's so nice. I Iove it. I'II set up over there.

You have a pooI tabIe.

Yeah, I just got it re-feIted. Go ahead and take her for a spin.

Hey, you Iike that thing, huh?

It feeIs Iike this chair is inside me, Robert.

That is the best $2,300 I ever spent.

I got it at a pIace caIIed

It's Iike Toys "R" Us for your ass and back.

It feeIs Iike a thousand IittIe baby wizards are massaging my ass cheeks. . . with their IittIe baby wands.

PowerfuI imagery, brother. I'm digging where he's coming from.

Handbooks. Boom.

What's your poison? You down with Scotch?

No poison. Scotch and yes.

No. Scotch and yes!

EVAN: We got a Iot of ground to cover and we're aIready an hour behind.

So, why don't we just dig in and then we can get to whatever afterwards?


Come on, Evan, we're just bonding a IittIe bit.

TeII me about yourseIf. I know you got a wife.

Do you have any kids? How oId?

Uh, zero years oId. No kids.

That's a shame.

I couIdn't imagine my Iife without my IittIe CheIsea.

Being a parent is unbeIievabIe. That's great.

CHELSEA: Dad, can I go to a movie at 1 1 ?

HeII, no! It's a weeknight!

But Mandy and Judy are going.

Mandy? Thank you for proving my point.

Mandy's dead weight, she's a succubus. I toId you that.

Dad, I'm trying to taIk to you Iike an aduIt, and you just--

Don't want to Iisten ! That's right, so skedaddIe.

Get up there and do your homework.

Are you serious? I fucking hate it here.

I fucking Iove it here!

That's my IittIe princess. That's my IittIe angeI, CheIsea.

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to introduce you guys.

How about some drinks? Fresh horses for my men.

Yes, thank you.

BOB: Get in there, Frankfurter!

Yeah. No.

BOB: Come on, Evaroo.

No, thanks. You'II be bummed if you don't.

Can I interest anyone in some finger foods?

I got to order some pies up in this thing, right?

Okay, you know what? You guys got your own thing going on there.

I am going to put up some fIiers.

Come on, have one drink.

No? I'II see you guys.

Okay. See you tomorrow night.

Same Bob time. Same Bob pIace.

Hey, feIIa! What are you doing?

There you are.

1 1 62 Jerome Park Drive.

Excuse me?

I'm 1 1 57 Jerome Park Drive.

Name's PauI. I just moved in.


Oh, sorry. I'm Evan, hi.


Evan Trautwig, subscriber to Men's Fitness.

Oh, yeah, that's mine.

Thank you. Not that you need it.

Excuse me?

You got the body of a decathIete, Evan.

And you got great skin.

You Iive here aIone in this big oId house?

No, I Iive with my wife.

My femaIe wife, Abby.

I'm going to go inside now. Mmm.

AII right, Evan Trautwig, nice to meet you.

Stay fit.

Evan Trautwig !


It was reaIIy cute. We aII got our own puff paints. . . and made these IittIe customized onesies.

Wow. So, you started another cIub.

No, it's not a cIub. It's a task force of concerned citizens.

I went to the Spartan's game and made a speech.

And the community reaIIy responded.

Guess who peed on an ovuIation stick on the pIane?

You? Yep.

It's kind of faint, but I think there's two pink Iines.

Yeah? I can't teII.

WeII, I think we shouId do it anyway.

I wouId Iove to do it. Just to be safe.

Mmm. Mmm.

But I got to go meet the Neighborhood Watch guys for a patroI.

Evan, you promised.

I know, but I aIso promised Antonio's famiIy that I wouId catch his kiIIer.

I made a vow.

Okay, okay.

It's a great group of guys.

ReaIIy. I'm very excited.

Here we go. Badass jackets for the Watch.

I went to the maII this morning and I had them made up.

Get them whiIe they're hot.

JAMARCUS: Let's do it.

Got your names on them.

AII right, Bob, this is great.

What happened to my Iogo?

This is just Iike your initiaI Iogo, onIy now it's awesome.

This has nothing to do with my originaI Iogo.

My Iogo was an eye that was watching over the neighborhood.

I don't know what this is. A tiger with wings?


This is a tiger, who's fierce and sIeek.

But it's got wings, so it fIies above the neighborhood.

And if it sees a domestic probIem, it kiIIs it.

The other thing is, your originaI one is here.

FRANKLIN: Got the eye right there on the side.

It's aIways on the side.

That's weird, because it's Iike an eye on the shouIder. . . but there's a tiger on your back.

Weird, how?

What are we, the FIaming Tigers?

Because that's what it Iooks Iike.

We're the FIaming FIying Tigers.

It makes no sense.

Are you out of your mind?

This is inspiring for the Watch.

Whenever you have a tiger, fIames and wings, aII on the same Iogo. . . it's Iike the Chinese symboI for "Shut the fuck up and dance!"

This is inspiring for the Watch.

I don't know. What, are we in a doo-wop group?

Are we're going to stand over a garbage can with fire and harmonize?

I wouId see this doo-wop group.

For your information, doo-wop groups were known to cIose ass.

Singing was their hobby. CIosing ass was their job.

The baritone from Boyz II Men had to stop making music. . . because he got so much pussy.

Thank you. They're Iike ass coIIectors.

This is not about fashion. This is about brotherhood.

This is about soIidarity. You shouId get that more than anybody.

He's actuaIIy right.

Pigs have uniforms. I think we shouId have uniforms, too.

We have to match those fuckers on every IeveI.

You understand? Every IeveI.

Can I just say, Bob, that these are the shits?

Just "the shit."

These are just shit.

Okay, you know what? Fine, I'II wear it.

But you have to promise me that tonight. . . we're actuaIIy going to do something. Okay?

AbsoIuteIy. For sure.

GentIemen, we're part of more than a cIub.

We're part of a way of Iife.

We're making a commitment to ourseIves and to the Watch today.

Get your hands in here, Evan.

Get that pretty hand in there.

On three, Iet me hear you singing out with pride in your hearts.

Neighborhood Watch. One, two, three.

ALL: Neighborhood Watch.

FRANKLIN: Yeah, this is boring.

FrankIin's right. We're not going to sit here aII night, are we?

Yeah, guys, we are, if we need to. It's a stakeout.

I don't mean to sound chiIdish, but I do have to pee.

You shouId have peed earIier.

I'm sorry, as an aduIt, you're just going to have to hoId it.

How are you doing, Jamarcus? Ready.

I stiII have to pee. The Iiquid comes in, the Iiquid's got to come out.

I got to piss.

Why don't you just pee in this? BOB: Oh, great.

That's a good idea.

Don't pee in that.

I'm mounting up to piss.

No, you're not going to pee in a can.

Why not? No, Bob.

I'm not going to miss anything. I'm a good shot, I'm going to get it perfect. Open the door.

I've taken Iots of road trips. I've aIways done that shit.

No. Piss out the door.

And bIow our stakeout position?

You're not going to pee in a can.

I'd never hear the end of it from you if I bIew our stakeout position.

There's no shot.

I got to mount up. I'm mounting up.

Okay, in we're going. Oh, my God, we're going. (URINATING)

I've had to pee so bad for so Iong, it's borderIine sexuaI, Evaroo.

I'm not missing, either. TeII him.

It's incredibIy controIIed, Evan.

It's Iike he's threading a needIe.

I know I'm okay because I can feeI the steeI right around the tip.

I've got the mushroom pushed right against the coId steeI.

Bob, hit me with a beat. Hit me with a stop and go.



Stop it.

Make it happen.

Stop it. Make it happen.

You're kiIIing it.

And we're done.

WeII done.

Thank you. That was a good idea.

WouId you be a paI and hoId this for me?

Oh, come on ! That's enough.

I'm busting your chain !

Hey, did I miss anything whiIe I was pissing?

Did we catch the kiIIer? (CACKLING)

Lighten up, big guy!

I'm gIad you think this is so funny, Bob.

I'm gIad you think this is a Iaugh riot, okay?

Let's aII have a Iaugh whiIe Antonio Guzman's kiIIer continues to roam free.

You know what? He's right.

That sicko's probabIy out there right now, staring at us from a distance.

Beating the Iiving shit out of his dick.

ReIiving his sick fantasy.


What are you doing?

Popping a top.

No, you can't do that. Why not?

It's against the Iaw, it's iIIegaI.

You can't have open aIcohoI in a car.

The car's not moving. There's not even a key in the ignition.

Doesn't matter.

FrankIin, you faiIed the poIice test. Is this iIIegaI?

It's definiteIy iIIegaI.

But I aIso faiIed the boring test, you know what I'm saying?

I dig it. Hook me up.

I'm going to drink this IittIe, IittIe cervezas.

AII right, Jamarky-Mark? CannonbaII coming at you, coming in hot.

Evaroo, you want to hoId off?

I don't bIame you, you're driving.

Hey, to great times. And doing it right.

JAMARCUS: To criminaIity.

FRANKLIN: Evan, tasty cervezas. (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

Keep it Iow, guys. SeriousIy.

Put it Iow, put it between your knees. Even Iower.

I've been here many times, trust me.

Act Iike nothing's going on, you're fine.

FRANKLIN: Fucking guys.

HeIIo, officers.

Evening, gentIemen. Are you doing a IittIe cruising?

No, officers. We're actuaIIy on. . .

Neighborhood Watch business.

Hide your bong, Chucho! Neighborhood Watch is here.

Sergeant, do you remember me?


Have I arrested you before? I'm not so good with faces.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION) Not good with faces.

You're a cop. What do you mean you're not good with faces?

I don't see the connection.

But what I have been seeing are these babies.

How's it been going?

Good, actuaIIy. Very good.


We thought we'd start here at the Costco and stake it out for a whiIe.

Because as you know, most kiIIers return to the scene of the crime.

Oh, of course they do.

The kiIIer aIways returns to the scene of the crime.

So, fancy seeing you here, Trautwig.

At the scene of the crime.

I don't know what that means.

It means it's super-suspicious that you're here right now.

And it makes me feeI Iike you have some secrets.

WeII, I don't.

Anyhoo, when you feIIas finish pIaying Hardy Boys. . . don't forget to pay this ticket for those open aIcohoI containers.

And, this one is for putting up 200 fIiers without a permit.


I'm sorry, guys.

You feIIas have a safe night.

Hit it, Chucho.


God damn it!

I know he remembers me. He's just messing with my head.

You can't drink in your car anymore?

What the heII is this country coming to?


Evan Trautwig.

Yes. Of course.

Noise compIaint at the footbaII fieId.

This is it, guys.

It's our first caII.

HeII, yeah ! Let's roII.

Let's do it.


Do you see anything?


HeIIo? BOB: What the heII?

Turn off the Iights!

Ahh !


BOB: What the fuck is going on?

FRANKLIN: Robert, we're getting ambushed !

BOB: What's happening?

We're getting egged. It's raining egg !

We came to heIp!

YoIks on you, ass-wipes!

YoIks on me?

A fucking pun ! I'm going to kiII this kid.

I'm going to kiII you.

FRANKLIN: God damn it!

They're getting away, Bob!

No, they're not.

Because one of us is the founder of the GIenview Running CIub!


Yeah, you fucked him up, man !

BOB: Who's Iaughing now, kid?

I bet you didn't egg-spect to get your ass kicked.

You throw eggs at peopIe. You think that's funny?

Look at how much pain he's in.

Guess what you Iearned tonight?

You don't mess with the Neighborhood Watch, baby!

Undefeated !

Look at Evaroo with the high hands.

FRANKLIN: Shit, we got him !



La, da, da, da, dah lt's the motherfucking D-O-double-G Snoop Dogg La, da, da, da, dah You know l'm mobbing with the D-R-E Yeah, yeah, yeah You know who's back up in this motherfucker Motherfucker A-ha!

That's right. Neighborhood Watch.

Suck a fat dick, Chucho.

What's going on here, guys?

Egging, Sergeant.

This guy's an egger. Eggs, huh?

Yeah, eggs. The coward's weapon.

It's good you brought him in.

And then he tried to run away on his IittIe skitterboard.

Did you reaIIy? Hmm?

Get back to the pIayground, and the monkey bars.

Do you think it's nice to throw eggs at peopIe?

Do you?

Answer the question.

It's rude.

It hurts peopIe's feeIings, and it hurts their faces.

And now, you deaI with the consequences.

HomegirI's trying to make an omeIet.

Look at me. Look at his face.

Look at my face. Look at his face and Iisten to me.

Look at him and Iisten to me.

Look at him and understand me.

Look at both of us, but understand no one.

Listen to my words and hear his face.

EVAN: Do you think it is funny to throw an egg in somebody's face?

FRANKLIN: You think it's a yoIk?

I'II shove a fuII egg inside your asshoIe and watch it hatch.

FrankIin. . . Inappropriate.

I understand, that's too far. Sorry.

She's aII yours.

Great work.

Here's your bag.

(LAUGHS) WeII, that was super weird.

Am I under arrest?

Of course not. Those guys are a joke.

Can one of you guys give me a ride home or something?

Fuck, no.

I'm not a chauffeur, and neither is Chucho over here.

Right, buddy? Get out of here.

ReaI nice.


Okay. ReaIIy hiIarious.

Quit screwing around or I'm going to peIt somebody.

Screw you. I'm out of here.

Leave me aIone!

Just Ieave me aIone!


FRANKLIN: We are fucking gods!


BOB: What did she say, Evan?

ALL: (SINGING) You ain't seen nothing yet Come back again.

B-b-baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet TeII me about it.



B-b-baby, you just ain't seen nothing yet Damn right. You been around !


BOB: AII the way from London, EngIand.

Put your hands together. Make him feeI weIcome, everybody.

Now this is Jamarky-Mark.

He said that any love is good love Here we go.

So l took what l could get Yes, l took what l could get And then she looked at me with those big, brown eyes


ALL: Oh, shit!

BOB: Is everyone aII right? Are you guys okay?

We hit someone.


Was it a kid? Evan, did you hit a kid?

No. What?

Why did you take your eyes off the road to sing?

There's beer and piss aII over the car.

Everyone just stay caIm for a second. Let's focus, just reIax.

We can't caIm down.

There's open aIcohoI, we're inebriated. I have weed in my pocket.

Evan couId get 1 5 years to Iife for this.


FRANKLIN: Don't worry about that.

This can't happen to me.

Here's what we do, we focus on the Iiving. Just drive us out of here.

I'm not going to drive away. I'm going to see what it is.


What is it?

It Iooks Iike you just hit some freakishIy big fIy or something.

What the fuck is this thing?

It Iooks Iike an octopus tentacIe or something.

AII right, I think it's very obvious what happened here, guys.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure this one out.

Evan accidentIy, obviousIy, hit a crate that feII off the back of a truck. . . that just so happened to be carrying some freshIy caught octopus. . . to a nearby sushi estabIishment.

It's octopus and a fresh one.

You got nothing but the thing and the octopus and this. . . and I think we pack it in and we know what happened.

Okay. Worst-case scenario.

Evan murdered a Japanese man who was eating octopus whiIe crossing the street. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on. I did not murder anybody.

It doesn't matter. Do you know why?

Because no one's going to say shit about this to anybody.

Because we don't dime on our feIIow Neighborhood Watchers, okay?

Wait a second, I've seen this stuff before.

Back at Costco, this was the stuff by Antonio's body.

Had he just won a NickeIodeon's Kids' Choice award?

FrankIin, he was dead.

So, he wasn't eIigibIe.

That's pretty amazing, then, that he won.

Because, usuaIIy you have to do some sort of. . . kids-type thing to win that award.


It feeIs Iike cum.


I dare anyone to touch it and teII me it doesn't feeI Iike cum.

May I?

Yeah, that's cum.

WeII, it's green. It's not cum, it feeIs Iike cum.

The texture, the fIavor, the coIor, the consistency.

It's very cum-Iike.

Hey, guys, check this out. I found something.

What is it?

FRANKLIN: I don't know.

It Iooks Iike a big, siIver basketbaII or something.

What is it?

It Iooks Iike a toy.

What the fuck is that?

What is going on up here?

We got company.

What in the heII are you peopIe doing in my yard?

Hi. Sorry, we're the Neighborhood Watch.

We're just out on a nightIy patroI.

How are you doing? I'm Evan Trautwig.

I got your neighborhood watch right here, sweet Iips.

EVAN: We're on your side, sir.

We're just wondering if you heard anything strange. . . or just anything out of the ordinary tonight.

You mean Iike four nitwits. . . standing around on my Iawn in the middIe of the night?

That's kind of strange, don't you think?

If being overIy aggressive and a IittIe bit snippy was a crime. . .

I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now.

Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?

We're taking time out of our busy scheduIes to heIp the neighborhood. . . so, I think you couId just-- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me. I got a phone caII, here.

Hey, BiII. "BiII."

I got four members of the Baby-sitters CIub up here. . .

It's the Neighborhood Watch.

. . .trying to soIve some kind of mystery before beddy-bye time.

I'II caII you back Iater.

It's okay, sir, we get it. Thank you. (COCKS RIFLE)

You guys, I'm going to count to ten.

You know what? Let's start again.

I'm going to count to ten !

He wants to count.

SteaI that cooI baII.

Two. Three.

Nice to meet you.

Fuck you, CurIy.


Get in your goddamn soccer mom van and move on out.

Neighborhood Watch, what a fucking joke.

EVAN: Look at this.

Every time I stick a finger in, another Iight goes off.

That's weird.

Why don't we try to stick aII our fingers in at the same time and see what happens?

AII right, guys, Iet's aII finger these hoIes together.

This is a bad idea.

Don't be such a pussy, Jamarcus. Come on.

Come over here and finger-bang this baII with us.

I don't Iike this.

Come on, Jamarcus.

Fine, but this is a bad idea.

Get your finger in there.

(MOOS) ALL: Whoa!


HoIy shit! Are you kidding me?

Did you see that shit?

That cow's fucking head expIoded.

That's terribIe for the cow but this thing's fucking awesome.

This is a major find.

This thing is the shit!

Okay, nobody touches this baII untiI we figure out what it is.

We definiteIy shouId not fuck around with this thing.

The Iast thing we want to do is cause a disturbance.



(WHOOPING) Goodbye, tractor!

Yeah !


BOB: Hay, yeah ! Hay, now!

Hey, great. That's hiIarious, that was so fun.

We bIew that shit up.

That cow's fucking head just poofed, just puffed.

Guys, this is not from this worId.

I think it couId be the government.

There are Iots of these kind of prototypes that you find.

It's aIways the government.

I don't disagree that there couId be a government. . . or an aIien or where governments and aIiens connect.

Get the fuck out of here, man. They're not aIiens.

EVAN: I think you're paranoid. I'm not paranoid.

Everything's on the tabIe.

It was probabIy on the way to the Mac Store and feII off the truck.

This is Iike a magicaI 8-BaII, bowIing baII that bIows shit up.

I'm trying to find a kiIIer, here.

Right. A kiIIer aIien.

Somebody kiIIed Antonio, okay? I don't know if they're an aIien.

I don't know if it was an octopus. I don't know what it was. . . or who it was, but this has something to do with it, right?

Yes. That's a yes.

We don't know what it is.

That's a correct as weII.

It's the same goo that was on Antonio's body.

This is information you're sharing and I'II say "yes" to it.

The goo was on the car.

The orb was near the car.

Let's caII her Lucy.

The second after we find. . .

BOTH: Lucy. . . who kicks us off his property? Crazy oId guy with a shotgun.

Why did he want us off his property?

Why did he not want us near the baII or the goo?

We have got to kick his tires.

There's something we have to figure out.

I think we dress FrankIin up as a girI named Francesca.

He goes to the door as a saIesman because they'II suspect him any other way.

He's pretty enough. I'm Iistening.

He's an attractive guy and he has the features where he can fooI them.

Feminine features.

We put FrankIin in a costume to befriend the oId man.

He Iets FrankIin in the house. Boom, he's in !

Now it's inteI, he's under the radar.

It's an attractive Iady showing up.

His Iiver-spotted hands are going to want to caress her.

Can I teII you something, Bob?

BOB: Mmm?

That couId work.


FRANKLIN: Here's the thing. FinaIIy!

I'm not going to go past second with this oId guy. . . but if I have to, I wiII.

I think it's important we get reaIIy confirmed. . . on what you're prepared to do, so it's not a new thing.

I wiII use both hands. I won't use a mouth.

He may use his hands and may not use his mouth.

I think you got to make it aII go down before you get found out.

What's the best case on this one?

Here's the best case scenario.

He's a IoneIy oId man, he wants to waItz.

He wants to Iisten to some of the oId songs from his chiIdhood.

Worst case scenario, you're getting fucked in the ass.

Either way, we're going to find out who this oId guy is.

Either way, we're going to get invoIved in this guy's Iife.

Here's the pressing question. What do we do with this?

We don't give it to the cops.

Agreed. This is ours, no one hears about it.

We keep it a Neighborhood Watch secret.

Cheers. We're in the game.

To the Watch.

Boom !



"OMG, Mandy's party is so awesome."

Good for Mandy.

Fricking kidding me, right?



Dad, what the eff!

Don't "eff" me. Who's this boy toy named Jason?

Boy toy?

What's his toy story?

Wait, were you creeping on my Facebook again?

Are you kidding me?

You're going to Iet some guy carwash the inside of your mouth. . . with his tongue, and then you're going to post it on the Internet?

Stop Internet-staIking me, okay? Just get out of my room.

You don't see me and your mom posting our sessions on the Internet?

Ew! That's disgusting !

How do you think that makes me feeI? It is disgusting.

You keep your tongue in your mouth.

And what's going on with this coIIage?

This is moving in the direction of strippers on spring break.

That's a coIIage of my friends, Dad.

The whoIe thing is uncomfortabIe.

I'm not comfortabIe with what's going on, CheIsea.

If you're uncomfortabIe, then get out!

Sex is for Iove.

"Sex is for Iove."

Here's what's happening now, the video is off.

Okay, Dad, I'm going to get the video off.

We got a probIem. Okay, pIease, get out.

Houston, we have a probIem.

That's good. ReaIIy productive conversation.

We shouId do more of it.

Right on the edge.

You're right on the edge.


(SINGING) You and tequila make me crazy Hey. Hey, buddy.

Come on, I saved a seat for you.

You said you were desperate.

Here, take a Ioad off.

Look, I know we're trying to catch the Costco kiIIer, but. . . it's good to have an honest heart-to-heart with just a coupIe of guys, right?

There's my boy. Bring it down here. Get in here.

It's aII about honesty, right? Mmm.

I've been being honest with my daughter, I don't think she wants to hear it. (CHUCKLES)

My wife's been traveIIing so much for work. . . that a Iot of the parenting stuff has faIIen on me IateIy.

How about you?

When are you going to take the pIunge and knock a few out?

It's not that simpIe.

WeII, it's about as simpIe as putting your dick in a vagina.

You know what I mean? Make it happen.

WeII, I reaIIy don't have a choice.

It turns out that my gun. . . doesn't reaIIy. . . shoot too weII.


You mean your prick?

Why are you saying "gun"? It's just two guys, sitting on a bench.

You can say it. Say "prick," say "cock." Just say "prick."

Anyway, then you take a coupIe of those bIue bombers.

You got to get that whang nice and stiff.

It'II get you aII monstered up. Oh, it wiII.

And then you'II be fucking Iike a champ in no time.

I know a guy that'II give you some, and I got some from Mexico--

That's not the probIem.

I'II get you some of those Mexican bombs.

I can do everything. It's just that. . .

About a year and a haIf ago. . .


. . .Abby and I started trying to have kids.

And nothing was happening.

So, on my own, I went to see this doctor to get my sperm checked.

I've aIways wondered about that.

I've had a curiosity, if you don't mind.

When you go to one of those doctors. . . do you jerk yourseIf off, or does the doctor jerk you off?

Or an assistant?

Is it Iike a massage parIor?

Or do they have a medicaI machine that does the miIking for you?

Like, miIks you Iike an animaI.

I'm asking how you get the cum out of you.

I. . . They do it.

No, I jerk me off.


Doesn't matter. The point is, I went, I got tested.

And. . . no go.

I'm shooting bIanks.

I couId shoot a bucketfuI, it wouId make no difference.

The doctor's actuaI words. "A bucketfuI."

It's because of me we can't have kids.

Just me.

I didn't reaIize that that's such a big deaI.

I mean, it's 201 2. Can't you just get a baII transpIant?

Yeah, I don't think the science is there yet.

What did the oId Iady say when you toId her?

Evaroony, don't teII me that you haven't taIked to her about it.

What am I going to say?

"Hey, honey, guess what.

"The one thing you want most in the worId, I can't give you."

Evan, you Iisten to me.

You taIk to Abby.

She married you.

Not your dead jizz.


Evan Trautwig.

This is Manfred Salisbury.

Are you on my roof? What?

There is somebody on my roof, jumping around like a maniac. ls that one of you idiots?

It most certainIy is not.

PIease, just hang tight, Mr. SaIisbury, we'II be right there.

Yeah, l bet you will.

We have to get to Manfred's. CaII the Watch, come on.

Nobody's here.


Did you see anybody on the roof?


Okay, we shouId fan out.

FrankIin, you and Bob get in the car.

Check the bIock, see if you get any action.

Jamarcus and I wiII go around back. Okay.

Got it.


Hey, guys, Iet's stay focused. We're in the fieId, right?






Hear that?

This is Manfred's.

This is not good.


(WHISPERING) What is that?

I don't know.


Oh, my God.

Evan, we shouId run for our Iives.

We shouId go up to it.

Why wouId we go up to it? We shouId go.

EVAN: It Iooks scared.

Maybe he's injured. Maybe that's what we hit in the car.

Yeah, and maybe it's reaIIy pissed off about it and is going to eat us.

OnIy one way to find out.

Come on.



Evan, what the fuck are you doing?

EVAN: It obviousIy doesn't understand our Ianguage.

I'm making friendIy tones to show it that we mean no harm.


Oh, no.

I see you.




It's okay. You just chew it.

You want some?

(SINGING) Gum, gum, gum for you

He Iikes it. Jamarcus, he Iikes it.

Everyone Iikes gum. Let's go.

He's digging something.

He's got something he wants to show us.

Want to share your gift, huh?

Oh, mother of fuck!



Jamarcus, what are you doing?

Run, man !

Run !


Oh, shit!


Are you okay?

That was reaIIy stressfuI.

EVAN: I think I kiIIed it.

BOB: What's going on here?

GentIemen, we formed the Neighborhood Watch. . . with a very specific task.

To find the murderer of my friend, Antonio Guzman.

WeII, tonight, I say to you. . .

HoIy shit!

Jesus Christ!

What the fuck is that?

It's an aIien.

It kiIIed Manfred, then it tried to kiII Jamarcus.

I came up and naiIed it with a garden gnome. . . and it cracked its neck, and it's dead.

This is fucking insane.

I know, we tried to find a kiIIer, but guess what?

We found a fricking aIien.

It touches it and it feeIs it. Ugh.

This inteIIigent, sentient being. . . traveIIed untoId Iight years to come and visit our pIanet.

And you kiIIed him.

Nice! Evan, yeah !

He kiIIed it.

HoIy shit.

Screw the poIice department. I'II get into the CIA for this.

I think we shouId sIow down, keep this quiet.

Or 1 00 miIes an hour and reaIIy Ioud, because you're Iooking at an aIien.

I'm thinking about T-shirts, merchandising, movie deaIs.

My mind's going crazy with this thing, here.

Who wants a snapper with the aIien? I do.

Let's go, bitches. I don't want to put pressure on you. . . but it's the first historicaI picture of anyone with an aIien.

So, whatever that means to you. Here we go.

Ready? And we're bringing it.

Let me share in the sunshine. Somebody get in here.


Does she walk? Does she talk?

Does she come complete?

The memory of my angel Could never cause me pain My blood runs cold My memory has just been sold My angel is the centerfold Angel is the centerfold Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na Yeah. Put your dick on its shouIder.

Boom !

Na, na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na


Make it last forever Ever Don't let our love end


Make it last forever And ever...

(GROWLS) Ahh !



Oh, my God !

Bob, the pooI baIIs aren't hurting him !

FrankIin, you have to hit him.

JAMARCUS: This is bad aim. Fuck!

PIease don't kiII me!

What the fuck are you doing, Jamarcus? He's not a bumbIe-bee!

Evan, heIp! He's going to kiII me, man. I don't know what to do!



Oh, my God ! Oh, my God !

He's going to eat my face!


He's getting goo in my mouth !



FrankIin, Jamarcus!

We got him.

I can taste the fucking goo!

That's right, give up. Just go to sIeep.


ReIax. You go to sIeep.

We are aIready among you.



What the fuck was that?

You can forget about the damn merchandising pIay.

Is everyone aII right?

Fucking aIien came on my face.


FRANKLIN: Did you hear that thing?

"We are among you." What does that mean?

It means there's more of those damn things out there.

Oh, my God.

That's why they take the skins.

To wear them.

They're among us.

Oh, fucking great.

And that damn thing's been to my house, he knows where I Iive.

I think if that thing had wanted us dead, we'd be dead, Bob.

So, we don't know who is and who isn't an aIien.

Bressman's one of them, I guarantee it, 1 000 percent.

Yeah, we shouId keep this quiet untiI we find out who we can trust.

Right now, we can't trust anybody.


People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone


What are you doing? Back off.

Streets are uneven when you're down When you're strange Faces come out of the rain When you're strange No one remembers your name When you're strange People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wicked when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down When you're strange Faces come out of the rain When you're strange Have you guys been sIeeping?

I haven't sIept at aII. I'm not deaIing with this weII.

Anyone of these peopIe couId be an aIien.

Check her out.

It's Iike she's studying some new discovery or something.

Some strange object. Some weird, bizarre human. . . circIe-fruit.

Looks Iike she's thinking, "Can I ingest this?

"ShouId I put it in my fIavor snout?"

Look at this piece of shit over here.

That aIien hasn't Iearned how to eat properIy yet.

He's so primitive. So cIumsy.

So dangerous.

There's that motherfucking Jason kid.

That's the kid that's aII over CheIsea's Facebook page.

Magnums? There's no way your dick's that big !

Hey, hey, hey.

Bob. It's a famiIy store.

There's no way his dick's that big, that he needs to buy that shit.

Some peopIe's are that big.

Otherwise they wouIdn't seII condoms Iike that.

He's right. They're a big seIIer.

I swear to God, I'm going to rip his dick off.

You're going to need two hands, Bobby.

HeIIo there, neighbor. (YELLS)

Jesus! (LAUGHS)

I'm so sorry, did I startIe you?

It's good for you, though.

It gets the heart racing and I know you Iike to stay fit.

In any case, I just moseyed on over here. . . to invite you to a IittIe bit of a gathering I'm having at my home.

A Iot of interesting characters wiII be in attendance. . . and I think you might be interested in them.

Um. . .

I'II think about it.

Don't think about it too Iong, because before you know it. . .


Life's over.

Isn't that the truth?

HoIy shit!

He's one of them.

I can't beIieve I didn't figure it out earIier.

He's so creepy. He's been spying on me.

He said I had nice skin the other night. Get it? Skin.

You have incredibIe skin. You don't have to brag about it.

No, the aIiens rip off the skin.

Did you see aII the batteries that guy bought?

Nobody needs that many batteries.

Nobody from Earth, that is.

He said before we know it, Iife ends.

Maybe he thinks you're getting kind of cIose. . . and he wants to take you out.

This is what it's about. Tonight.

This is why we formed the Neighborhood Watch.

I just have to grab my jacket.

Oh. Thank goodness. It's the Ieader of the Neighborhood Watch.

Abby, what the fuck?

I'm forming a IittIe cIub, too, and it's onIy got one opening. . .

. . .and it needs to be fiIIed. Do you have any water?

(GASPS) Oh, my God !

No. Go out, go out! (MEN EXCLAIMING)

FRANKLIN: Is that Mrs. Evan?

Is that your jacket? That's your wife?

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Trautwig. I'm FrankIin.

I'm a dear friend of Evan's.

EVAN: She doesn't care.

What? You're starting a cIub, you want me to fiII your hoIe?

What's going on? Are you making fun of me?

Honey, I'm not making fun of you. You Iook awesome.

It's just the timing is weird.

No, what's weird is that I have to make an appointment. . . to have sex with my husband. No you don't.

And then he forgets and brings a bunch of weird dudes over.

That IittIe one saw everything. Evan, come on !

I'm sorry. I forgot, I'm sorry.

Yeah. You forgot.

BOB: Give her some truth, paI. She needs it.

What? What is that?

BOB: Be that truth-teIIer, brother.

I have no idea.

I don't even care. Just. . . here.

Go pIay with your friends. Take your stupid jacket and go.

PIease beIieve me, there are forces greater than what we're taIking about here. . . that I can't expIain to you.

That I promise I wiII expIain to you at a certain point. . . but it can't be right now.

Go! I'm sorry.

Honey, if I. . .

Come on.


Hey, it's beer.

Are you serious? Do you want some?

Here we go. Someone's coming.

Do you see that?

We don't know what that is, but that's a coupIe.


Guys. . .

I definiteIy smeII aIien aII over this thing.


Bob, vibrate.

It'II be one second. Hang on, one second.

HeIIo? What?

Are her parents going to be there?

AbsoIuteIy not! What the heII are you taIking about?


Damn it, guys, I'm sorry. We have to get out of here. Let's go!

What are you doing? You're going to give away our position.

Okay, Iisten to me. I have to fiII you in quick.

CheIsea is on her way to Mandy's house for a party.

Her parents are not there.

What I can gather so far from Mandy's Facebook page. . . is she's a totaI whore.

This is going to be a fuII-bIown fuck festivaI.

There is going to be touching and puIIing. There is going to be cIimaxing.

CheIsea's going to be there any minute and I cannot aIIow that to happen.

I need you guys to come with me.

We need to put a stop to this.

Bob, what are you taIking about?

We are IiteraIIy at the possibIe doorstep of an aIien hive.

You're right. We have to spIit up for a IittIe bit.

Jamarky-Mark, you stay with the Evanator. That's right.

Frankfurter, you come with me. Me and my guy work weII together.

So fucking far ahead of you, it's not even funny.

What? No! FrankIin !

FrankIin, you're not going anywhere.

Bob, your daughter is not officiaI business.

Our mandate is to pursue murderers, and thieves, and aIiens. . . and anyone who threatens to tear the fabric of this neighborhood apart.

My mandate, as a father, is to pursue IittIe pricks. . . that try to tear the fabric of my daughter's hymen apart.

Shh !

Don't you waIk away. Don't you dare.

Oh, I dare!


This sucks! This sucks!

(CROWS) Shut up!

I'm a bird. They can't hear me, idiot.

We're good. Let's go.


It sounds Iike somebody's getting ripped apart in there.

SmeIIs funky and musty.

Do you see anything interesting? (BOTH EXCLAIM IN FEAR)

You okay? Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Hi, PauI.

Hi, Evan.

Phew! You aII right?

You scared us.

And who is this mountain of a man?

My name's Jamarcus.


ShaII we?


Show time like cable Get up on that table l love your sexy body And l know you like this paper Bottles coming like they got legs on 'em The way l kill 'em, man This beat will make 'em wanna call the feds on me Good, good night Good, good night, night, night Good, good night Good, good night Thanks for taking me here. This is erotic as heII.


Big Bob, you got daughter at 1 2 o'cIock.

Move to extraction?

BOB: Stand down, seaI six.

If we go in there hot, we'II humiIiate her for the rest of her high schooI days.

Let's just Iay Iow. Just taking in inteI.

Look, there's that kid from Costco with the big fat dick.

WaIking around with his massive cock, Iike he owns the joint.

That shit's just banging against his kneecaps.

Twenty bucks that guy's dick dips into the toiIet when he takes a shit.

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

Hey, girI.



Dig that shit! Dig that shit. Who's your daddy?

I'm her daddy, you piece of shit!

Come to daddy's bedroom. Okay.

It's the master bedroom. Ooh !

Let's move ass.

Which way are we going? Down ! Down !

Right this way, gentIemen.

PIease, after you. Thank you, Jamarcus.



It's a nice pIace you got here, PauI. I Iike the paint.

Thank you, Evan Trautwig. . . and aIIow me to pay you a compIiment in kind.

I see you out there, jogging. . . and I often think to myseIf, "My God.

"What a perfect specimen."

Excuse me, two perfect specimens.

GentIemen. . .

Say goodbye to the worId as you know it.



And say heIIo to paradise.

WeIcome to the sanctuary of the human spirit, gents. . . because tonight is aII about freedom. . .

and, some about boning. (CHUCKLES)

I think we soIved the battery mystery.

Come on in, boys. The water is just right.

Yeah, the cinematography is unreaI.

It's definiteIy going to win Best Picture.

Switch? Yeah.

EVAN: This is disgusting.

It stinks in here. Come on, I was wrong. Let's go.

Hey, do you mind if I suck on your baIIs?

I'm going to see how this pIays out.

I'm going.

Oh, here we go.

I'II get your name in due course.


Mr. McAIIister.

Mandy, this is quite a gathering you got cooking here.

I'm a IittIe surprised.

It's a IittIe Iate for the chess cIub to be out.

What have we got here?

A IittIe weed, a IittIe tequiIa.

Where's the hard stuff, pussies?

Are you guys twins? BOTH: Yes.

Oh, my gosh. I can't even teII you guys apart.

I'm kidding. SIow down. You kids are out of your mind.

I feeI Iike the three of us just met. . . but I feeI Iike I'm the tripIet in a weird way. . . but in a sexuaI way.

Where do we take it from here?

I'm Iocated about 45 minutes south of here.

I Iive with my mom.

I'm not here to break up the party.

I want you kids to get hopped up, but I'm Iooking for a CheIsea McAIIister.

Anyone here know where she might be?

You guys know who I'm taIking about, right?


Maybe we shouId go back to the party?

No. I want to keep doing this.

Okay, I just think we're going a IittIe fast.

We're not. This is amazing.

We shouId keep moving at this exact pace.

Maybe even a IittIe bit faster.

SeriousIy, Jason, stop it.

SeriousIy, CheIsea, I don't want to.

CheIsea? Dad?

What are you doing here? What the heII?

Dude, get out of here.

Let's just go. Are you okay?

You're ruining this.

Catch you Iater, CheIs.

Oh, shit.


Hey, jackass. I'm taIking to you, prick!

You think you're cute, you IittIe fuck!

Oh, my God !


That Iooks Iike a reaI gusher, Bob.

Come here.



Dad !


Are you okay, Dad?

I'm okay, honey. Just stung a IittIe bit.

You don't fuck with Bob. You show Bob respect.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Bob's my speciaI guy.

That's right. That just happened.

You don't teII your parents about this.

You don't teII your friends about this.

You write it in your dream journaI, you Iock it up. . . and you put it under your piIIow.

Or I wiII come back here and I wiII kiII each and every one of you.

Except for those two hot girIs I was taIking to.

They have my information, pIease have them get in contact with me.

They seemed great.

I'm gIad you showed up tonight. I'm sorry.

It's okay, honey.

Come on, Iet's go home. Okay.

I'm okay, honey.

I think you got it aII. You can put it away.

You doing aII right? Mmm-hmm.

Bob, can I taIk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'II be in in a second. I Iove you so much.

I Iove you, too.

I appreciate you showing up. I know it takes a big man to apoIogize.

What happened back there was not cooI.

You abandoned your post.

If that had been an aIien hive, we wouId have been kiIIed.

So, it wasn't a hive. Where's Jamarcus?

Jamarcus decided to stay at PauI's.

And no, it wasn't a hive. It turned out to be a IocaI orgy.

What? There's an orgy happening, IocaIIy?

So, you're mad at me for Ieaving an orgy?

It doesn't matter what it was. The point is, you Ieft us hanging.

It's the principIe.

No, the principIe is I went to go heIp my daughter who was in troubIe.

Evan, you can't be such a controI freak. You're too uptight.

Yeah, Bob, I'm uptight.

I'm uptight about the aIiens that are kiIIing peopIe in our neighborhood.

That's what I'm uptight about.

Neighborhood Watch isn't for peopIe who can't handIe their daughter's personaI shit.

Did you even hear how you sound right now?

Why don't you Iook at your own personaI Iife, Evan. . . because you don't even have one.

You don't taIk to your wife. You don't have any friends.

I have friends. No, you don't, man.

I have tons of friends. No, you don't. You have cIubs.

You start these cIubs, and you become a dictator.

You just boss everyone and you teII them what to do. . . because you're running away from what reaIIy matters.

You don't have the guts to deaI with what's going on in your own home.

I have the guts to do this.

You're out of the Watch.

You can't throw me out of the Watch.

I just did.

Okay, I don't care. I'm going to start my own watch.

You can't, because there aIready is a watch. So you can't do that.

Oh, yes, I can start my watch. . . because if I'm not in your watch, you can't give me ruIes anymore.

I'm going to keep my own Iogo, too.

I never Iiked that Iogo, anyway.

My Iogo is awesome! My Iogo is Chinese.

The Chinese understand movement. . . and I understand the Chinese.

I combined fIight with fIames, with a tiger.

What am I combining, Evan?

Serenity, optimism, attack.

FrankIin, Iet's get some pudding inside you.

FrankIin, you do not go in that house.

Jesus, Evan, you don't own him. You don't own aII of us.

FrankIin is his own man. He can make his own decisions.

He can think for himseIf.

FrankIin, get your fucking ass in the house!

EVAN: Don't you speak with FrankIin !

FrankIin, you stay! FrankIin, stay!

Come! FrankIin, come.

Come here.

Frank. Come here, FrankIin.

Come here, FrankIin. FrankIin, Iook at me.

FrankIin, come on.

Evan, you're a speciaI friend. . .

But I Iive here.

How does it feeI, Evan, to be in a cIub of one?


Maybe he's jacking off too much.

Like, the weII is dry by the time you get home.

Ew. Stop.

Have you noticed any abrasions or signs of stress on his penis?

Abrasions? No.

Like, he's puIIing on it too hard?


I'm steriIe.


Hey, CarIa. Hey.

Honey, I can't have kids.

I went to a doctor and got it checked out.

And I am barren.

It's me, it's not you.

It's not the both of us, it's me.

And I've been trying to teII you, but just every time you wanted to have sex. . . it was aII I couId think about.

And I didn't know how to teII you, so. . .

Why wouIdn't you teII me?

Isn't that the kind of thing that coupIes figure out together?

I just knew how much that you wanted this. . . and I didn't want to Iet you down.

Yeah, but I want this.

More than anything.

I don't know, we can figure aII that other stuff out.

AII I ever wanted was for us to be a team.

That's aII I ever wanted.

No more secrets, okay?

ActuaIIy. . .

There is one more secret.



Hey, Evan.

Jamarcus, now is not a good time.

WeII, I need to teII you something.

I know, I just need to be with my wife right now.

This is more important.

Whatever it is, it isn't.

Trust me, we need to get the Neighborhood Watch together now.

Do you want another one? Is that going to hoId you over?

I'II eat more pudding if you have more.

I don't know that I'm open to an apoIogy yet.

Are you serious?

Jamarcus, what is going on?


What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Is that a parIor trick?

It's okay. It's okay.

Touch my goo, Bob.

FeeIs Iike cum.

HoIy fuck, it feeIs Iike cum !

He's a fucking aIien !

You stay the fuck back, Jamarcus!

What the heII is going on?

FrankIin, I'm not here to hurt you.

BeIieve me, I've had many chances to kiII you.

You're one of them?

You're an aIien?

Look, our ship came here six months ago. . . and we have been hiding ever since.

We inhabited your human form to infiItrate your society. . . and Iearn your weaknesses, but instead--

Why is this thing stiII taIking? Let's kiII him.

Because in a few hours, our transmitter wiII become operationaI.

When it signaIs, our armada wiII commence a gIobaI invasion. . . starting here in GIenview, which is cIearIy not ideaI for you.

What? Why?

We're aIiens. That's what we do.

We come to pIanets, we destroy them, we move on.

Wait a minute.

Did you kiII Antonio?

No! God, of course not. I know who did, his name is FIertrok.

The man is a fucking cunt.

Where is this transmitter thing?

The onIy pIace big enough, with enough power and suppIies.



You've been pIanning an aIien invasion in my Costco?

You reaIIy do have everything we need under one roof.

Why are you teIIing us this if we don't have any time to stop it?

What kind of sick fucking head game are you pIaying?

WeII, because there's good news.

If you Ieave now, you wiII survive the initiaI invasion.

And after that, if you take to the desert and Iive in caves and crevices. . . you couId Iive with moderate dignity for most of your Iives.

I don't beIieve a word he's saying. He betrayed the Watch.

JAMARCUS: Yes, but since then. . .

I've come to know humanity's compassion and beauty and Iove.

I don't want to Iie anymore.

And aIso the baII-sucking was a reaI eye opener.

Look, I'm not going to ask for your forgiveness. . . because I don't deserve it.

I'm reaIIy sorry.

Just go.


PIease, save yourseIves whiIe there's stiII time.

ABBY: What the heII is happening?

FRANKLIN: If we don't Ieave here right now, we're going to die.

Guys, are you actuaIIy taIking about giving up and Ieaving GIenview?

No, I think we go and aIert the authorities.

Get as many peopIe out as possibIe.

And then what?

And then, I don't know.

Evan's right. We need to hit the caves.

Guys, we're not going to Iet GIenview become ground zero. . . for an aIien invasion and not do something about it.

We're the Neighborhood Watch. This is what we do.

No, Bob, come on.

It's what we did, or never reaIIy did, because we didn't reaIIy do anything.

UntiI now. I say, tonight we change that.

Evan, you started the Neighborhood Watch because you beIieved in something.

You beIieved in this town.

You beIieved in these peopIe. You beIieved in us and I stiII do.

We're not going to Iet a bunch of aIiens waItz in here. . . and do whatever the heII they want to do.

I say, not on our watch.

I say, they drew the short straw when they picked GIenview.

Now, come on, guys. Get your heads right.

This neighborhood is going to need our best tonight.

Evan, some aIiens just set up tents in your store.

What do you want to do about it?

Costco is for members onIy.

Let's take out that transmitter.

Now we're taIking.

AII right, Watch, this is it.

Now it gets reaI.

That's a cute 1 0-miIIi Beretta, Bobby.

But I say we make a pit stop at my house.


WeIcome to the candy shop, motherfuckers.

Jesus. Nice.

HoIy shit.

Ladies first.

This one Iooks cute.

Cute and deadIy.

Just Iike me.


FrankIin, what are you doing? Who are these peopIe?

And what are you doing with these guns?

God damn it, Mom. Stay the fuck out of my room !

I don't go through your shit. I don't touch your butterfIies.

Stay the fuck out.

Everyone out of my room. Everyone out of my room.

Everyone Ieave. Everyone out.

Nice to meet you.

It was a pIeasure.

I'm sorry, Mama. I was just trying to impress my friends.

I was trying to be a big man.

I Iove you. Stay inside the house tonight, okay?

You're an angeI.

ON PHONE: GIenview P.D. This is Sergeant Bressman.

Bressman, it's Evan Trautwig. Listen to me very carefuIIy.

There is an aIien invasion happening at the Costco.

I know it sounds crazy, but you have to get down there right now.

An alien invasion, really? At Costco?

Right now? Oh, great, l'm on my way.

Oh, wait, no, l'm not. l'm still here for some reason.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Bressman, you were right. Trautwig is the Costco kiIIer.

He's going to take us to Costco right now and kiII us.

You've got to heIp us. (SCREAMS)

He's coming. ReaIIy?

Yeah. He beIieved that?



Oh, my God, that's an aIien. I am Iooking at an aIien.

I know. It can be a totaI mind-fuck.

What do we do? Bust in the front door, guns bIazing?

I Iove the enthusiasm, Frank-n-Beans. . . but I think we're going to need a different kind of strategy here.

There's onIy one way underneath the store.

It's through the drainage grate in frozen foods.

When we re-buiIt the tire section. . . we put sheIving over the trash chute, but we never seaIed it off.

Stay behind me.

BOB: Let's go.

Pop this bitch open. I'II cover you.

Let's go, guys. Let's go.

I can't. Shh !

Do you have naiIs? Do you have naiIs?


BOB: (ON RADIO) He's guarding the grate. Are you guys in position?

In position.

This is exciting.


AII right, we shoot him on three.

I repeat. Shoot on three.




Freeze, Trautwig.

Game over.

Where did it go? I don't know.

You're under arrest for the murder of Manfred SaIisbury. . .

Antonio Guzman and that IittIe punk skater kid.

Drop the guns.

You don't understand what's happening.

There's aIiens in the store.

Oh, yeah? AIiens? Where?

It was right over there untiI you scared it.

Now keep your mouth down.

Oh, aIiens who are scared by the sound of a door opening.

Look out, Earth, you've met your match.

Drop the guns!

We're not going to drop our guns, because there are aIiens here.


Chucho, what's up, buddy? You got something to say?


What the fuck is that thing?





Fuck, fuck, fuck!

(SOBBING) Chucho! Chucho, Chucho!

Stay with me, buddy. Stay with me!

No, no, Chucho. Come on !

Come on, stay with me!

His heart is out of his body, feIIa.

I don't think he's going to make it.

What? No, he's going to make it.

Come on ! Come on !

Listen, cop!

You got a Iot of shit you need to brought up to speed on. . . and I don't have the goddamn time to hoId your hand and waIk you through it.

First, aIiens exist. DeaI with it.

Second, your boy Chucho is dead as fuck.

And there isn't anything on God's green earth that's going to bring him back to us.

Now, I have a bunch of aIiens underneath this Costco. . . and we are moments away from this Earth being stomped a new asshoIe!

I have one important question, and I need you to answer it for me right now.

Are you with us?

Are you a cop?


You rejected me because I was too awesome for you.

WeII, that was cIearIy the biggest goddamn mistake I've ever made.

I'II do whatever you say, kid.

Lock and Ioad, bitches. Anything from outer space, kiII it.

Come on. That aIien was guarding that grate for a reason.



Die! Die!

You. . . kiIIed. . . my. . . friend !

You stupid FIertrok!

I don't know if we can confirm or deny whether or not that's FIertrok. . . but this thing's a goner for sure.

(GROANS) It hurts.

I guess this is the part where you Ieave me to die.

No, no. You're not going to die.

Yeah, you're not going to die.

(SOFTLY) He's going to die.

You better get some heIp.


That doesn't sound good.

Come on, we got to find that transmitter.


Go kiII me some aIiens, baby.

AII right.


Hey. I need you to be strong for me, okay?


FrankIin. What are we doing?

You ready? Yeah, okay.

I'm just going to Iift your arm.

Here we go.

FRANKLIN: HoIy shit.

JASON: GentIemen.

What the heII are you doing down here?

Nothing, reaIIy. Just picking up some paper toweIs in buIk.

A super big tub of mayo, and what eIse?

Oh, yeah, transmitting a signaI to my armada to destroy your entire race.

HoIy shit! He's an aIien !

BOB: You motherfucker!

You guys go destroy the transmitter. I'II deaI with this jackass.

No. We're not going to Ieave you aIone with him.

Goddamn it, Evan, we don't have time for this shit.

Just go, go, go! I got him !

Bob's right, they have some shit they have to work out. Let's just go.

Okay, you be carefuI. FRANKLIN: Come on.

Okay. Okay, Bob.

You can do this.



Come on, Bob! This is too easy.



Yeah !


Oh, my God. What do we do?

I have an idea.

My idea didn't work.


FRANKLIN: Evan, they're not dying !


I'm out of buIIets.


It wiII be an honor getting skinned aIive next to you.


What is happening?

Why are their dicks expIoding?


That's the onIy way to kiII us.

Severe trauma to the dick.

That's where our brains are.

Like aII guys, am I right?

JAMARCUS: You know it.

Bob, come in. If you can hear me, their weakness is their dick.

Their Achilles' heel is in their dicks.






Magnum, my ass.

I onIy needed one hand for that shit.

Jamarcus, how do you shut this thing down?

Looks Iike the orb's powering it, so maybe removing the orb wouId de-power it?

You're guessing?

You seriousIy don't know how this thing works?

I'm not an engineer, I didn't buiId it.

Do you know how your ceII phone works?

Yes, I know how my ceII phone works.

You hit a bunch of numbers, and you hit send.

At Ieast don't you know the basic--?

What do you mean, "the basic"? Look at it, it's not fucking basic.

It Iooks compIicated.

That Iight bit. . .

That Iight. That means it's aImost charged, right?

What's happening?

Whoa! What the fuck is he doing here?

Bob, it's aII right. We were surrounded and he saved our asses.

EVAN: Are you okay?

He came in here jacking dicks. Left and right.


Shit! What is that?

I'm going to go get that orb thing.

You guys cover me, aII right?

Yeah, Evaroo, just go quick. Hurry up, this pIace sucks.

I've gone to the other side, guys, I'm fucking way in it.

If first thing in war is Iost is fucking innocence. . .


Yeah !

BOB: Better watch it. Hurry up, buddy.

Hurry up.


FRANKLIN: It's transmitting !

Get it off that thing.


It worked ! AII right!

Let's get the fuck out of here.

What is it?

FrankIin !

HoIy shit! Evan, Iet's go!


We got to get the orb out of here!

Cover us.

Let's go. I got you Frank-n-Bean !


Come on ! Let's go!

Get up there, Frank.

Come on, move, move, move! This pIace is crawIing.

Ahh !


Jamarcus! Give me your hand !

Take the orb out and go!

No Watchman Ieft behind ! Give me your hand !

Come on, paI !

Come on, brother. Let's go.


Let's go.


Come on, go, go!


Come on ! Let's go!

FrankIin, the switch !


EVAN: Get back, Abby!

Abby! Take cover!

Come on, boys! Let's pIug these motherfucking hoIes!

Goodbye, sweet chiId of mine.

Evan !

BRESSMAN: Wait, what's happening? Did we win?

I can't see. Are those tears of joy?

They're not tears of joy, are they?

Oh, no! Your husband's dead, isn't he?

Your husband's dead. I'm so sorry.

You're going to find somebody. You're going to find somebody.

You're a great person. Life goes on.

There's aIways something better around the corner.

That's what my mom aIways said.

I'm singIe, too, actuaIIy.


Your Costco.

I'm sorry, baby.

Don't be.

She'II rise again, Iike a phoenix from the ashes.

And when she does, we'II be there.

We did it, Ev.

Yeah. We did.

You came back for us.

We went to an orgy together. We are friends forever, now.

I'II expIain that to you Iater.



I'm sorry about that stuff I said before.

Forget it, man. I'm reaIIy sorry about the stuff I said, too.

I mean, that's what brothers do. They fight.

But then they aIways make up, right?

Are we cooI?


Get in here, IittIe big man ! That's my guy.

That was reaIIy beautifuI, you guys.

Now, do me.


ApoIogize to me.

For what?

If I have to teII you, then the apoIogy is meaningIess.

AII right, Frank-n-Beans. Get in here.

Thank you.

Come on, Jamrock.

Listen, baby, I know things get tough, but I'm okay.

You got to stop that.

I understand.

What are you doing? ReaIIy.

I'm in a weird pIace. I'm sorry.

I don't want to come off as a bottom feeder. . . but there couId be a coupIe of knickknacks in that store. . .

Don't even finish it.

I'm going to pick up a coupIe of knickknacks or something. . .

That stuff is aII covered by insurance. You can't. . .

What are you. . .? Hey.

EVAN: l used to think l had it all.

But then I reaIized, what was it all about without friends?

Let's get in a IittIe tighter, here.

Let's keep the hands above the hips.

Let's keep it 1 950s in this bitch, okay?

Is it true your dad ripped your Iast boyfriend's dick off?


You guys be home by midnight.

I was thinking 1 0:30, sir, if that's okay with you?

Don't be such a suck-up. Are you going to bIow me in the driveway?

Midnight's going to be fine.

EVAN: Sometimes, someone you thought was a total douchebag...

I mean, Iike a reaI piece of shit guy... turns out to be your best friend, and your partner.

And for me... even though my testicles had completely betrayed me, Abby hadn't.

She and l were a team. And a family.

Where did you come from? l now know that we are not alone.

And l'm feeling pretty good about that.

That's right.

So, if you hear something go bump in the night, never fear... because the Neighborhood Watch, as always, is watching.

The neighborhood.

For aliens.


B-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothing yet


Woke up quick at about noon Just thought that l had to be in Compton soon l gotta get drunk before the day begins Before my mother starts bitchin' about my friends Then l let the Alpine play Play Bumping new shit by NWA lt was gangsta, gangsta at the top of the list Then l played my own shit lt went something like this Cruising down the street in my six-fo'

Jocking the bitches Slapping the hos l went to the park to get the scoop Knuckleheads out there Cold, shooting some hoop A car pulls up Who can it be?

A fresh El Camino rolling Kilo G He rolled down his window and he started to say lt's all about making that G.T.A.

'Cause the boys in the hood are always hard You come talking that trash and we'll pull your card Knowing nothing in life but to be legit Don't quote me boy 'cause l ain't saying shit Yo, man Yo, yo Yo, man Get the fuck out

EngIish - US - PSDH