The Wedding Invitation (2017) Script

"I'm fearless, and therefore powerful."

Mary Shelley.

We see Betty vision not only as an online dream board, but as an opportunity to make people's dreams become a reality.

And that seeing Betty vision posts on one's newsfeed will be as common as selfies and pictures of food.

This better be an emergency because I am 10 seconds away from a caffeine orgasm that not even my thigh burner can fulfill.

I think Marcus is gonna propose!

What, why?

What happened?

After my presentation, he said, "oh by the way"...

I made reservations at julienne for Friday.

It's our three year anniversary!

Lucy, do you know what this means?

What? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry.

What are you gonna do, you gonna say yes?

Well, yeah, obviously.

I mean, oh my god, we haven't even talked about rings.

I hope it's the ol' diamond.

Hey, listen, just promise me you don't get me one of those pink bridesmaids dresses.

Hanging up. Yup, love you, mean it!

Oh, fuck!

Yay!

Oh my god, you're getting married!

Right?

Oh yes, the signs are all there, he's totally gonna ask you.

Darling, you're ready for filming?

Yeah, yeah, gimme one second.

Did you pick a date yet?

No, I thought I'd get the ring first.

Well have a few options in mind because that's gonna be the first thing people ask you when you tell them that you got engaged.

Ooh, and make sure to get a manicure before the dinner.

Got it, manicure. Check.

Wait, why?

The first picture post of the ring, obviously.

Okay.

I gotta go, I gotta go to work.

I'll call you after class tonight.

Let's work on some chords.

All right, we'll start with g, c and b.

What will it be?

Oh, um, I'll have a glass of the, uh, ambiance Pinot grigio, please.

No, babe.

Have the red, it's better for you.

Oh, but I kinda feel like a... We'll have two brazin zins.

Thank you.

I just wanted to... so I was gonna have...

Go ahead. No, you go.

Well I, I wanted to...

I wanted to wait until after dinner to do this.

Oh. Let's toast.

You know Lucy, we have been dating for three years.

And we've known each other for four years.

And, well...

Yes!

It has been four years, just confirming your math.

Go on.

We are not getting younger.

No.

And I feel that we're at the point in our relationship where we have to move forward... yes!

Or break up.

Here's your key.

I would love mine back.

Uh...

Luce?

That is a sipping wine...

That's a $30 glass of wine...

Well...

Can I have a vodka Martini and calamari?

Can I get a, can I get a, can I get a cheeseburger and pickles?

And can I get a fries and a shake?

Oh, yeah... Can I get a, and I want a big shake!

Yeah, would you like that double sized, or...

Do you want to go for a hike?

What about a movie?

Yeah.

Yeah...

Marcus.

Despite Friday night's events, I think we can still continue to have a productive work environment.

Environment? Oh, crap.

"Productive work relationship."

Aha.

Productive work relationship.

Productive work relationship.

Didn't you get my email?

What email?

Lucy, I think it's best if we don't continue working together.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

See human resources.

Smiley face!

Marcus.

Really?

Really, now you're gonna fire me? Oh, real mature, buddy!

I mean, who's gonna update your status for you now, huh?

You are so screwed!

And who has all the highlighters?

My god...

Ugh!

God!

Coming!

Hold your horses!

Ugh, I'm trying to sleep in...

Ugh.

Marcus email fired me.

Coward!

W-t-fuck?

Why are you not crying?

I'm too angry to cry.

My teardrops have turned into daggers and I want to throw them at him!

Yay, I love this version of you!

I got your text.

Karen.

He's giving my campaign to Karen!

How did I have no idea?

Thank you.

Dude, why are guys such dicks when they break up with us?

Yeah, can't you sue him for wrongful firing, or something?

I signed a waiver when we first started dating that would supersede any lawsuit, which I was reminded of during my exit interview with human resources.

What about severance?

Two weeks.

But I'm a true American, I've got debt.

College, credit card, my Louis Vuitton?

My life is falling apart.

Since when are you pen pals with Denise Masterson?

You don't know?

Know what?

She's getting married.

We group texted about it.

I've been ignoring your group texts.

I've been buried in my campaign.

She is having an 80s prom theme wedding, and the entire graduating class is invited.

Seriously?

Denise Masterson is inviting us to her wedding?

Denise Masterson?

Yes.

Denise Masterson, as in the person I strived to be from k through 12.

Denise Masterson?

Yes.

Denise Masterson, as in the coolest, nicest, prettiest girl in the entire school!

Denise Masterson, as in the person you dressed up as for Halloween, senior year?

So did you.

Ladies, ladies. Ooh.

We don't need to fight over her.

We just have to be excited that we get to go the wedding of the decade.

Yes!

Wow.

Maybe, maybe I should redirect all of my emotional energy into the anticipation of Denise Masterson's wedding, thus masking my true emotions until months pass by, at which point, I am more emotionally capable of dealing.

Can you do that?

Sure.

I'll just put it on a post-it note, for let's say um, I don't know, October?

Hmm, yeah, that seems healthy.

I'm not looking for healthy, I'm looking for survival.

Whatever gets you through it, I fully support.

Thank you.

Now, let's focus all of our attention on Denise Masterson's wedding.

Okay.

So, Trista told me that they met on a flight to Paris, and she hit on him. No!

So, she started a conversation about the time they hit the ground...

Mile high! Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, lavender, so classy.

Mine's probably just waiting in my mailbox right now.

You didn't get it?

I got mine last week.

Me too.

No. No, no, no, I didn't get it.

I didn't get it.

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't get an invitation, I didn't get an invitation to her wedding!

No, no, no, no. That's okay, shh, shh.

I thought you said she invited the entire class?

No, no, I didn't... I don't have a boyfriend!

I don't have a job!

I can't get an invitation to a wedding!

And weddings, Fyi, are where 50% of couples meet!

It's never good when she starts using statistics.

If you're not going, we're not going.

What?

Yeah.

Because apparently, Denise is not the coolest, nicest... the funniest?

The hippest, trendy, most awesomest...

Solidarity.

Lucy...

Put the self-help book down.

I don't understand.

I am doing everything right.

I am chanting, and meditating, and manifesting.

I'm not being greedy with my visualizations.

Watch.

I'm imagining myself in a small cubicle, with carpal tunnel and inter-office politics, and, I can even smell the Bo from the guy in the room next to me.

But nothing is working!

Okay.

You have gone to the dark side.

I need you go to your happy place.

Happy place, yeah.

One times one is one.

Two times two is four.

Four times four is 16.

It's not working!

Oh my gosh, even my fail safe has failed me!

Look!

I have applied for 43 jobs, but nobody is hiring.

The obelisk group isn't crossed out yet.

That's just because they haven't rejected me yet.

I think you need to get out of the house.

Mmhmm.

Oh, I can't leave.

I have to clean, the place is a mess.

Looks pretty clean to me.

You're kidding, right?

Execute plan b? Yup.

What are you doing?

We're helping you rejoin humanity.

You're gonna take a shower, and then we're gonna take you to guitar class, and if you're really good... don't touch les!

Maybe you'll have a trip to staples!

Ooh, highlighters!

Ooh.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! Uh, no, I'm sorry.

My fault. I was not, I di...

You know if this was a car accident, the blame would be 50/50.

I'm fully insured.

Good to know.

Um, okay.

Yup. Thank you.

Okay, bye.

Oh god.

"I'm fully ensured"?

Good one, Luce.

You left this at the scene of the crime.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

For the record, I know those too.

Old school that way.

Are you joining the class?

Yes. Graham, guitar teacher.

Lucy, marketing.

Nice to meet you, Lucy, marketing.

Okay guys, my name is Graham.

I'm subbing for Marta for the next couple of weeks.

If you're not a rock star in this class, I will give your money back.

Everyone take a page.

Okay, those are chord sheets.

Right.

We'll get straight into it, all right?

We're gonna play a song called "uncomfortable shoes" by a good buddy of mine called Elion Olson.

Right, everyone get your, get a g goin' on.

You got a g down there?

Yeah? Okay.

G.

We're gonna go to a c.

So this is a real, real nice beat, all right?

Just like that. I'm gonna count you guys in.

Everybody set? All right?

One, two, three, and...

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened?

We sucked.

No, you didn't suck, you just uh, it's all music, you just made a different version.

Tell you what. Who's got a pick?

Go ahead, put it in your mouth.

All right, that's the way I like to play, right?

Just 'cause it looks cool, it makes you feel cooler.

All right? I'm like a real rockstar.

I'm gonna do it again.

All right? Everyone ready?

One, two, three.


"The journey of 1,000 miles

"must begin with a single step."

Confucius.


This is Lucy.

Hi, Lucy, it's Denise Masterson from precious heart.

I got your number off Facebook?

Uh huh.

One week until the big day.

Crazy!

I'm going to nuts with last minute details.

Seven people haven't rsvp'd.

So, are you coming?

I, I didn't...

Oh, shoot.

That's the caterer, hang on a sec?

Lucy?

Lucy, you there? I'm coming!

I'm totally coming!

That's like, so weird that you didn't get my RSVP.

Stupid snail mail.

One stamp wasted!

Yay!

Three down, four more people to call.

Oh, well, let me save you a few calls.

Ryann Becker and nectar McAllister are definitely coming.

Uh, I mean, if they're on your list, not that they would be, but if they are...

Actually, yes, they are.

Yes!

Oh cool, you just saved me some time.

Oh we're really pumped.

We've already got our dresses.

We're getting manis, pedis, renting a limo, yadda yadda.

Love me some 80s!

My cousin Amanda had her baby six weeks early.

Oh no!

Ugh, the baby's fine.

But now, 11 family members from Ohio are not coming down.

I've got seats to fill.

I'm probably the first bride in history trying to recruit wedding guests.

Please tell me that you're bringing plus ones?

Plus ones? Yeah!

Definitely, we're definitely bringing plus ones.

I'm being a complete bridezilla.

It's just, I hate those tacky weddings with empty seats.

Right.

Ah, that's the caterer again.

I can't wait to meet your hot men.

See you Friday!

Friday.

Wait, hot men?

Oh crap.

So uh, Denise Masterson called me today.

Turns out we're invited.

Who knew?

Not me.

So, yay!

I get to go to the ball!

Oh, I feel like cinde-fuckin'-rella!

What the fuck was that? We need dresses!

Crapola.

I am completely tapped.

Don't worry, I'm too excited, I will cover for you!

So I am thinking sequins all the way.

Dynasty, sequins, lots and lots of sequins.

Mmm.

So I might have told Denise we were bringing plus ones.

Wait, what?

I became possessed by the wedding invitation.

The lavender went to my head.

Her cousin just had a baby!

Hello?

And she is a bridezilla with a fear of open spaces.

Okay.

A, I have no idea what you just said.

And b, I don't want to bring a plus one, I want to meet a plus one.

Think of all her fiance's hot friends we could meet there.

Okay.

This is such an easy solution.

You can bring that model from your Gucci shoot last month.

Ew, he waxes hit armpit.

That is disgusting.

And you can bring that guy that your mom tried to set you up with.

Are you out of your mind?

Mm-mmm. Nolan?

First of all, I don't think he has time to fit me in between his geek fair and ren fest.

And second of all, I am not gonna bring a Trekkie who still wears headgear to Denise Masterson's wedding!

D...

I don't know what to tell you.

I was trying to be a yes person, and it just came out.

We should not be trying to get lame dates for a wedding.

Yes. Finally, sanity.

We should be trying to find dream dates.

What?

We keep saying yes to the wrong guys.

We need to go out there, take some control back, start getting what we want for a change.

If Denise Masterson can hit on a guy on a plane to Paris, what is stopping us from doing the same?

Air fare.

It's Monday.

Right?

Yes.

That means we have until Friday to go out there, get our crushes, and bring 'em to the wedding.

Okay, we can't just hit on guys.

They're turned off by that.

Unless of course, you're a model, with come-do-me eyes, which I am not.

That part's true.

You definitely have more of the ome-reorganize-my-closet-with-me eyes.

Ryann...

We're gonna do this.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Well come on, it'll be so much fun!

Do it, yes!

Ryann? Fuck it, fine, I'll play.

Yay!

Ooh, I get Chris the bartender from Edendale, baby.

Josh Hartnett!

Josh Hartnett?

Dude, are you being serious right now?

Very, he just bought the penthouse in the Mayan sisters condo downtown.

He's such a gentleman that when I ran into him in the hall, and the gum fell out of my gaping mouth, he handed it back to me.

Um...

Thanks, but I think I'll pass.

I don't really do humiliation and rejection.

And even if I wanted to play, I can't.

I don't have a crush.

Bull-Scheissen.

Guitar teacher.

Graham? Oh god no.

No, no, no, no. He's so hot and normal.

Seriously, pick some random dorky guy.

I would much rather humiliate myself anonymously.

Okay, guitar teacher it is.

Yup! Mmhmm.

All right, when's your next class?

Tomorrow. Perfect.

It's also my last. Great!

You can humiliate yourself and run.

What I'm proposing is we embark on a pilgrimage to free fearful women all over the atmosphere.

Our decision to take back control is bigger than we are.

We are forging ahead and paving the road, to free the...

Shackles of the restrictions of dating rules from the wrists of single women all over the world.

The miss America pageant called.

They want their speech back.

Do you really want to waste another three years with the wrong guy?

No.

So who's in control, you or him?

Me?

Who's the one who dumped you, hmm?

Who's the one...

Who fired you?

And if you ever want to drink a Pinot grigio again, you'll take your control back.

You're right.

It's my life.

I'm in charge.

Besides, how hard can it be to hit on some guy?

Yay.

That means our four-day mission starts tomorrow.

Game on!

welcome to the class.

I'm sorry, i...

I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Yeah, yeah I am.

Meg, you gonna live?

Probably.

All set, deep breaths, okay.

Let's get serious, let's get practicing.

Meg, you gonna keep practicing?

Okay, I definitely will.

And I'm super, super interested in um, maybe taking your next course?

Okay, well read the notices on the bulletin board, and you'll know what I'm doing when.

Please, shoot me a text, let me know.

Hey! Hey.

Sorry about uh, my entrance.

It's cool.

Um, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure. Over here?

Yeah. What's up?

So listen, I've got this, um, this wedding to go to on Friday.

It's not your wedding, I hope?

No, no, not my wedding, a friend's wedding.

Uh, and I was wondering, if um...

If you think I would be able to play a song at said wedding.

Graham? I broke a string.

Okay, be right there.

You know, I think, the truth is, you're capable of anything you wanna do.

You got four days. Practice.

Surprise yourself. Yeah.

I think it's a c string.

There is no c string.

I gotta go fix that.

Just stay here, hold on, all right?

All righty.

I, I see that.

Just let me take this off you, and I'll fix that.

Hey. Hey.

How'd it go? Oh, it didn't go.

I opened my mouth, and the wrong words came out.

No!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Positive thinking, onward and upward.

Got my interview tomorrow with Girard manners.

I'm just gonna focus all my attention on that.

You're totally gonna get it.

Thank you. And in case you don't, I've already spoken to Roy and he said he would put you back on his schedule.

Thanks, but waiting tables is pretty much my last resort.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

You guys still good?

Game time.

Are you nervous?

Please, piece of cake.

Be cool.

Yeah.

Have a mantra. Ooh, "have a mantra."

Okay, um, I am cool.

I am so cool.

Oh, she's in trouble.

Hey!

Lucy, good to see you.

Hey ed. What's the haps, neighbor?

I just finished a killer set down at the comedy store with the boys.

Thanks for showing up.

You're welcome.

You didn't. I know.

That's awkward. Yup.

I was sexy, per usual.

But enough about me.

How do you feel about going halfers on a cleaning lady?

Excuse me?

Well the first week, she would clean my bathroom and kitchen, and your living room and bedroom, then next week, we'd swap.

It's genius.

Hey ed, hurry up, your beer's getting cold.

Sorry, sweet lady, alcohol sings her siren song to me.

You know what I'm talking about.

No I don't. I gotta bolt, but uh, give some thought to that cleaning lady offer.

Okay. It'd only be half price.

Hey. What's wrong with ed?

That. That's when he gets drunk.

Ed!

Oh.

I am so cool.

I am so cool. You are cool.

I am cool. I am cool.

Well, if it isn't my favorite customer out on a school night.

Hey!

What up, dawg?

Just slinging drinks, working for my living, how 'bout you?

You know, just hangin' with my pussy.

My posse, my posse, I said my posse.

You and the uh, homegirls just out for a night on the town, yeah?

You know, yeah, for reals, yo.

What'll it be?

Three tequilas.

Okay.

Coming right up.

A woman after my own heart.

Uno.

Dos.

Tres.

All right.

Those are on me, I got 'em.

Word!

Yo, pound it.

Yo.

Very chill, dawg.

Be careful with those.

Tequila?

Uh huh.

Did you ask him out?

No, it's kinda fuzzy.

Well, walk us through it.

I uh...

Oh god, I think I turned gangster or something.

He probably thinks I'm on medication.

So you didn't ask him out?

I don't think so.

Then go back.

No, I can't go back!

When he gave me the drinks for free, instead of saying thank you, I said, word!

Never, ever, do that again.

I know.

I mean, it's a lot harder than it looks.

But free drinks though, that's always a good sign.

Yeah.

Now go back and get me a free Pinot grigio.

I, mmm, shh! Oh.

Those are for me. All of them?

Yes.

I mean, I'm gonna go back and talk to him, and I need some liquid courage, don't I?

You go get him, girl.

Whoo!

Ugh!

Whoo! Ugh!

Whoo. Are you okay?

I was born ready.

I know, but I asked if you were okay.

Yeah.

Whoo.

Ooh, dear.

Whoa, back for more already, rap star?

Oh no.

Oh no.

Let me get you some water.

We're bad friends. Uh huh.

All right, time to go.

Nice...


Ugh...


Ugh...

Tequila...

Is not my friend.

Tequila is nobody's friend, my friend.

I'm calling to let you make me feel better.

Please tell me that I wasn't that bad and that with ample counseling, I still may able to lead a productive life.

It wasn't that bad.

And with ample counseling, you can still lead a productive life.

Oh, thank god.

So...

When will Roy be in?

Three o'clock.

Take it that interview didn't go very well?

Position's been filled internally.

Hold on...

Shaking hands.

Well, it's official.

I'm employed.

Welcome to the last resort.

We hope you enjoy your stay here.

Thanks.

There are many activities to partake in when you're at the last resort, like candle lighting, for one.

I will be partaking in activity number two!

Sleeping. Lucy?

You have some explaining to do.

Hola, Hugo.

For fucks sake, will you keep it down?

Now tell me, when you start back here, eh?

Tonight.

I just need to go get a wine key, and then Roy's gonna put me back on the floor.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry, I have an extra one in the back.

But, you must promise it to return it, okay?

Because it's top of the line.

Now come, come, come, look.

We fold napkins, and you finish this, okay?

Go away...

Listen to what Hugo thinks.

You need to stop playing these silly little games, okay?

Because the females are not meant to hit on the males.

You are so sexist.

Yes.

That is what your society agreed upon.

And you have to do this because you are going to confuse the mass.

The masses.

Whatever.

I wouldn't even have to play if I hadn't rsvp'd for all of us.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's Eggo.

That's what?

Eggo.

American women have too much Eggo.

Okay, listen.

In my country...

You know I don't speak Spanish, right?

No, I had no idea.

Tonight, we have the Halibut, with the garlic crumb crust and lemon butter for $39.95...

Can I sit over there in the corner, bottom of the right? We also have...

Oh, this one right here?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Your server will be right with you.

The Halibut, with a Graham cracker crumb crust, and lemon butter, for $39.95.

I'll be right back.

Did she just read us the same special twice?

I guess they're pushing the Halibut.

Hello?

Hello, could we get a drink?

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, "you're right."

Henry Ford.

You can do this.

Yeah you can.

All right.

Looking good.

Ooh.

Oh, Luce.

The stud on table 33 wants a Jack and coke.

Thanks.

Lucy.

Hi.

Hi.

Do you work here, or... yes, yes I do.

I, oh, this is for you.

Jack and coke.

Thank you.

I thought you said you work in marketing?

Oh, I do.

Well, I did.

But my ex-boyfriend fired me after we broke up, so...

Oh.

I am sorry to hear that.

Yeah, well, at least I'm single now, right?

I'd like a chardonnay, and my father wants a Gibson, up.

Yes.

Um, I'm just, I'm sorry, I'm gonna go do... um, I'll be here.

Okay.

I'm gonna go.

Hugo, favor.

Um, Gibson, up, chardonnay for the lady on 24.

Of course, mi amor. Thank you.

Hey.

Ow! My office, now.

God, so violent.

Sit. What?

I can't sit. Why not?

Well if I sit, I'm gonna have the urge to pee.

Sit! Oh god!

Guitar teacher Graham is here.

Seriously? Yeah.

Table 33, oh my god, he is so hot.

Right?

He's even better-looking than I remember him.

Yeah well, it's probably the dim lighting.

Oh my god, I'm sweating.

Okay, breathe.

What do you think he's doing here?

I think he's here to see me.

Uh, he randomly shows up at a place you've worked for all of five minutes, and you think he's come to whisk you away to some castle?

No, he is not James Bond.

I think I manifested him.

Oh god, Lucy, we have talked about this!

Okay.

"Synchronicity is a sign

"one is manifesting their own reality."

Anonymous.

Blah, blah, blah.

At this point, he is out there right now.

I mean, none of us are gonna get this...

What? I think I just peed a little.

Ew! Oh my god, I just peed a lot.

Okay, get out, get out! Get out, out!

Wait for it to pass.

Door! Door!

Maybe it's his sister?

Oh, how I miss my sisters.

My life sucks.

Hi, uh, where's the bathroom?

Okay, thanks.

Um, could you tell my waiter I'd like a Glenfiddich on the rocks?

Two cubes?

Uh huh.

There are other guys out there.

I know.

There's just something about this one.

Hang in there.

Thank you.

There she is.

That's our waitress.

Lucy, is this lady your guest?

Yeah, I was just about... apparently she is eating instead of taking care of us.

My father is a shareholder in this corporation, and I am very dissatisfied with out service.

Yes, I absolutely understand.

Lucy, can I speak to you in the office?

Now. Oh, okay, mmhmm.

Ah.

Peeing outside is true freedom.

Why is it only guys get to do that?

you know, I've never been fired in my life.

Now I've been fired twice in a month.

Well, there goes your parents' lifelong dream of their daughter being a waitress.

They'll adjust over time.

Sorry about guitar teacher.

Thank you.

Mmhmm.

You know, according to the laws of attraction, I manifested all of this.

Sure you did.

Hey.

Nectar texted me.

Apparently, Josh Hartnett's in Italy shooting something for like the next six weeks.

Seriously?

Yup.

This game is jinxed.

I know, these stupid movie stars.

Don't they know that we're trying to play a game here?

So what happens to her now?

Well, apparently she gets to pick a new mark.

Hey.

Maybe you'd like to pick a new mark?

What?

Hate the game.

Not the playa.

Did you see that?

Playa!

How could I miss it?

Word!

Ugh, makes me want to throw up.

I love you.

Love you more.

Love you mean it.

Love you mean it, mean it.

Let's grow old together.

Let's say friends forever.

Nectar can be our nurse.

Yeah.

Our hot nurse.

Hmm.

Ooh.

This dress is $214?

I said I was paying.

I know, I just like to hear you say it.

Who in their right mind has a themed wedding?

Do not talk about my future best friend that way.

Fairy tale or love, those are themes.

But 80s prom?

Well I love this decade.

We really missed out.

Yeah, too bad your mom didn't get knocked up at 12.

Please don't!

Do not post that.

I feel like the nerd in all those 80s movies.

That's awesome.

Maybe, if I had a date.

Ow!

I hit on two guys yesterday.

It was great.

Hang on a second.

You're just hitting on any guy you see now?

No, just the hot ones.

Yesterday, I had lunch with George, from the market.

And then, I met this hot guy at the Coronado pub.

We're gonna have dinner tonight.

He's really hot, but just got out of a relationship.

Okay, so you hit on them?

They didn't approach you?

No, it was all me.

Oh!

I even printed these little cards with my name and number on 'em.

So much faster than typing it in their phone.

Hey.

Random thought.

Maybe we should just go stag?

Stop right there.

You should go back in there, and really do something to get his attention.

You don't think the projectile vomiting was attention-grabbing enough?

What would be more painful; going back into the bar, or knowing you could have taken the man of your dreams to the wedding of the year, fallen in love, and had a video game partner for the rest of your life?

Fine.

You know, the brain can only register one pain at a time, so, just imagine something more painful than asking him out.

Yes, that right there.

Go do that, and then ask him out.

Do you like these earrings?

Psst!

No.

My sweet little cupcake has come back for me?

Yes ma'am? Is Roy here?

No, it's his day off.

Oh, great.

Thank you for the loaners.

No, no, no, darling, where you going?

Stay!

Let Hugo make you some coffee, please.

Thanks but no, I've got to run.

I'm going to be in charge.

You're going to be in where?

I'm back in the game.

But isn't your man taken?

Yes.

Isn't it great?

Clearly, fate has another plan for me.

No, Mija, now you have to stay.

Okay, please, stay and tell Hugo more.

Okay, fine.

Okay.

So there's this guy at yoga...

Uh huh.

Apparently the universe has put him in front of me every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for the last year, but I was too blinded by Marcus to notice him.

And what's his name?

Hot yoga guy.

You two sound close.

I think his name is Jason.

Mmhmm. I'm sure it's Jason.

It doesn't matter. Names aren't important.

The important thing is that I'm an in-control adult and I am plunging forward.

Plunging? Like a toilet?

No, not like a toilet.

I'm moving forward like a...

It doesn't matter.

The important thing is that I am going to yoga right now to ask out the possible future love of my life.

I see.

And when will all this be taking place?

15 to 18 minutes, depending on traffic.

Ay.

Hey, I was just wondering...

Membership number?

Oh, um, 13069.

Actually I was wondering if I could get a phone number?

1-800-yoga...

I meant a, a member's number?

Whose?

Jason something?

Yeah, I'm gonna need more.

Oh, um, okay.

So he's tall, blonde, he does an amazing handstand.

Does he have a tat on his left calf?

Yes!

His number!

No.

Wait, what?

It's against policy.

I thought maybe, you know, girl to girl... girl-to-girl tends to be a little bit more bitchy and catty.

We don't really bond like the men do.

Can I start over?

Okay, so I've got this bet going with my, well it's more of a game going with my friends that um, I'll hit on this guy and take him to this wedding.

And um, okay, long story short, the guy I picked has a girlfriend.

And I found out because he was kissing her in front of me.

No shit?

Yes, shit!

So now I'm trying to come up with that guy who could potentially be my true love and I thought, "maybe hot yoga guy in"...

This is all so humiliating.

No, stop right there.

You got a pen?

Oh my...

I was visualizing a positive outcome.

Hey, you've reached me.

Do your thing.

Hi, howdy, hello!

How's it hangin'?

Um, hi, it's Lucy from yoga class.

More specifically, it's Lucy from 7:00 A.M. flow, back row, teal mat.

Although full disclosure, the teal mat is new, so you may not recognize me by it.

I used to have a red mat.

Well, more of a reddish, kind of brown, like a maroon, or maybe a plumb dealio.

Moving on...

I thought because you sometimes stare at me in down dog...

Stare might be too strong a word, now that I think about it.

I do occasionally wear bright colors.

Maybe you've just been distracted by me and my brightness, like, one would be distracted by a crossing guard in the street so you stop and don't hit them.

If you're satisfied with your message, press one.

To delete and re-record, press two.

Thank you, universe.


just relax...

Ah, there you go.

Mmm.


namaste all.

Fuck!

Fuck, fuck!

Shit!

I am...

I am so sorry!

I just forgot that I was in yoga class.

I think you broke my nose!

Oh god.

I feel really bad.

I'm usually quite a peaceful person.

I have never hurt anyone.

I am a pacifist.

Do you have another tissue?

Um, yes.

Sometimes love comes in a whisper, sometimes it smacks you over the head.

Aaron, do you believe in fate?

Do you think that it's possible, and I'm not trying to shirk responsibility here, do you think that it's possible that the universe propelled me to bolt upright and break your nose, forcing us together in a hybrid car at 44 miles per gallon on the way to the hospital?

Well, fate, do you?

You know what?

That's okay.

Opposites attract, right?

I don't know what you're doing Friday, but if you're free, maybe, just maybe, you would be available to...

Aaron?

Aaron?


Hey.

What time's your date? Which one?

The guy from the corona...

You have more than one?

Yep.

I met another guy today, and he is hot.

Wow, you're juggling guys?

Yeah.

It's awesome, right?

I feel like a boy.

I'm having scheduling issues.

First, I'm meeting date number one for happy hour.

And then I have to be home in time for date number two to pick me up at eight.

That sounds so amazing.

Yeah.

But it sure is a lot of work with hair and makeup.

I feel like I have two day jobs.

Ugh.

Jealous.

Well what are you doing?

Well, I tried to meditate.

And how did that go?

I'm cleaning my fridge.

That bad, huh?

I attempted to hit on my yoga teacher today.

Ooh, and?

I think I need therapy.

I mean my body would not cooperate.

I mean, all I had to say was, "will you go out with me?"

So what's stopping you?

I don't know.

It's not even like he was conscious.

What?

Oh, and I broke his nose.

You broke his nose?

Yeah, don't ask.

Are you still going with Ryann to Edendale later?

Oh yeah.

Operation Chris is in full effect.

Although, truth be told, I have not seen her yet, so who knows?

Well, it should be fun.

Take notes.

Oh, I will not only take notes, I will highlight them, bullet point them, and career them over to you.

And that is why I love you so much.


Too many people don't understand politics.

That's a problem.

They vote, but they're ignorant about the real issues.

Well, I listen to the debates.

I think a lot of people do.

The debates tell you nothing.

They tell you some things.

No, nothing.

Listening to the debates is like...

You said you watch basketball, right?

Yes.

It's a fairly aggressive sport for such a pretty girl, but I digress.

Uh, listening to debates is like being a fair weather fan in basketball.

You don't pay attention to your team all year long...

I know what a fair weather fan is.

Great.

So you understand my fair weather analogy?

Yeah.

Um...

I have a thing.

I, I have to go.

You don't have a thing.

You're right.

I don't.

I have a date.

That's right.

I have another date.

I scheduled two dates.

Pretty aggressive for a girl, hmm?

Your loss.

Wow.

Yup.

Huh.

Who did this to you?

Makeup counter at the mall.

Huh.

Oh, I feel like a cheap whore.

Um, excuse me, those are my $600 stilettos.

You're an expensive whore.

Well, you were right.

But the blisters on my feet and this thong riding up my crack, I barely have enough brain space to worry about the humiliation of walking into Chris' bar.

That's the spirit.

Okay, here I go.

Okay.

Oh hey.

If I have a confession before I kill, please tell nectar that I blame her for everything.

My pleasure.

Oh!

Final words?

Yes.

"Leap with gusto, and the nut shall appear."

My mother.

Well in that case, let's just hope I don't plummet to my death, huh?

Godspeed.

Hey, meet me at the Reuben truck when you're done.

Yup, can't wait.

Food.

Whoops.

Okay guys.

Okay.

Settle down.

Hey! Help!

Lucy!

yep.

what happened to your shoe?

Oh.

It's actually a really hilarious story.

I was outside, and I stepped on a grate... yeah, you gotta have two shoes.

Them's the rules.

Okay, I just need to get in for like two seconds, 'cause there's this guy inside... you've been denied entry.

Okay, I'm just gonna... You've been denied... yeah!

All right. Entry.

Heh.

Take, take it out of the, take it out of the thing.

Ow!


No!

No, no, no!

Why?

Oh!

Oh my god.

Chris?

Ryann?

Did you lose your glass slipper, Cinderella?

Sort of.

Should I ask?

I wouldn't.

Yeah, you left pretty quickly the other night.

Yeah.

Well, considering the circumstances... yeah, you know, I wouldn't worry about that.

I, I totally remember the first time that I got drunk.

Wow!

Okay.

I got nothin'.

Well, you got one really expensive shoe in a back alley, I'd say that's, that's something.

Wait, are you hitting on me?

Maybe.

No, no, no, stop.

You can't.

Why not?

Because I'm supposed to be hitting on you.

Okay.

Chris, here we go.

Whoo!

Chris...

Shoot, what's your last name?

Sandeson.

Okay.

Chris Sanderson, will you be my... it's Sandeson.

There's no r.

Oh, okay, no r, got it.

Chris...

Sandeson, will you be my date?

I'd love to.

No, no, no, hold on, I'm not finished yet.

Will you be my date to the best wedding ever?

Now? Yes, now!

Yes.

Word!

That was actually my first time at the Coronado.

I just sort of wandered in.

Oh yeah?

Mmhmm. Oh that's great.

It's like the coolest dive bar.

You know, you got Billy in the bar.

You got James on the piano.

Cheap whiskey all night.

My band played a gig there.

Our first gig.

It was amazing.

I felt like I was in a sweet valley high romance novel.

And then, and then, we walked up to the grate and he busted the heel off of that stiletto in order to get it out.

It was so romantic!

Okay, not if they're my $600 stilettos.

Oh, boo!

Who needs money when you got romance?

Oh, did I mention that he's funny?

About 100 times.

Oh my god, and he's so cute.

Look at what he got me.

Oh my god, put that thing away!

We could get arrested!

Oh my god, it's medicinal, chill out.

Oh my god, I feel a cough coming on.

Oh god.

Thank you.

Hey, I am going to text nectar and have her meet us there after her date.

Hi, date.

Hey.

So, tell me more about your music.

I love music.

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh...

Well my, my dad taught me to play guitar.

I've been playing it since I was little.

He used to always say that um, everybody's got some music in their bones.

Aw.

I totally agree.

I love, love, love music.

Okay.

What type of music do you listen to?

Uh-mmm, like, Katy Perry, Taylor swift, Josh Groban.

Okay.

Guess what?

Hmm?

I have an interview tomorrow.

You do?

Mmhmm. Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know.

I guess, I feel like it's my last shot, and I didn't want to jinx it.

No.

Come on.

I can't.

I can't get high.

You always say that.

Um, I always say that because it's true.

My body cannot get high.

I bet you you can get high if you wrote it on a post-it.

Oh, that's funny?

That's not funny.

Come on.

Why don't you just live a little for a change, huh?

Hmm?

Fine!

Ooh.

So?

I feel nothing. Ugh!

You are so frustrating.

Ooh!

Ooh. I bet you that's them.

Let's go hide, come on.

Hide? Behind the chair!

Go, go, go, get up!

Ooh, ooh, behind here, come on, come on!

I wonder if they'll kiss.

I wonder if they'll use tongue.

The first kiss, you'll remember for the rest of your relationship.

It's the most romantic thing ever.

Oh my god...

All right, um, that was fun.

Yeah.

Thank you. Okay.

Oh!

Aha!

I knew you could get high!

Yes!

This is awesome.

Bye. Get, get home safe.

And boo!

Ah!

You went out with my Graham?

What do you mean, your Graham?

Guitar teacher.

That?

He?

That, that he, that was your Graham?

Yes, nectar.

That, he, that, that is my Graham.

You know what? I wouldn't listen to her.

I think she's kind of high.

Lucy... For the last time, I can't get high!

Lucy, I had no idea that was your guy.

I have a crush on a Graham, you go out with a Graham, and you don't think about it?

Oh...

I met him at a dive bar one night.

He was talking to me about how he just broke up with his girlfriend, and she was in London and he was here, and he was waiting for her to come back so he could do it in person and he just turned...

Stop talking! Into this whole... it doesn't matter, you kissed him, nectar, you can't take that back!

For the record, I leaned in.

I kissed him.

I've been going out with the wrong guys all week, just based on what they looked like, so I wanted to know if we had any chemistry.

Which we didn't.

We have nothing in common.

He doesn't want me, I don't want him... so now he's the wrong guy?

Wow.

My dream guy is the wrong guy.

I really think we should look at this as the glass is half full.

He's available, he's single, and I don't want him.

You are unbelievable!

I have been dreaming about this guy, manifesting our life together for the last however long, and you pick him up for one night and you don't want him?

No.

Say you want him.

But I don't want him.

Say...

You want him.

Lucy...

Say it!

I really don't.

Say you want him!

Oh, would you just say it already?

All right, fine!

I want him.

There, you happy?

Yes.

Yes, nectar, I am very, very happy!

Lucy, you are out of control right now!

Well maybe I need to be a little out of control for a change!

Luce... You cannot come in!

Get off my porch!

Whoo!

What just happened?

I don't know, but for five bucks, I'll drive you home.

What?

Okay, three.

But that is my final offer.

This is ridiculous, I had no idea...

And I want you to think about what you've done, young lady.

Howdy, neighbor.

Hi, ed.

Your mail came to my house again.

Although at this point, I'm pretty convinced you're stuffing it in my box, so I have to come over here to bring it back to you.

# ithnkyou'rehittingonme.

It's working.

What are you all dressed up for?

You know, I just had to run out to the pharmacy.

Oh yeah?

You've probably seen me taking out the trash in my tux.

Hey, you didn't by chance DVR the clippers game, did you?

You know I did.

That's my girl!

Oh.

Did you want to come in?

Okay, okay.

Arm twisted.

Yeah, you sound desperate.

Where you going?

Beer.

Ed must get beer.

Pepperoni and mushroom work for you?

Extra pepperoni?

My dinner was awful.

They serve dinner at the pharmacy?

Ow!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Oh!

Poo!

What happened?

We just fouled out!

Motherfu-eh.

Whoa, hey!

Model with a potty mouth, watch it.

Go on, say it, I dare you.

No.

Come on.

Motherfuckers!

Yeah.

Freedom!

Beautiful.

I'm proud of you.

By the end of the night, we'll have you lighting your farts on fire.

Is that a real thing?

The blue flame?

No joke.

I'm in.

Set it up.


I am the master of my fate.

I can because I say I can.

Happiness is a choice, and I'm making it right now.

Great.

Now I feel better.

oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

Oh my god, how embarrassing.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Oh my god!

Oh shit!

I must have started my... started your what?

You know?

You know.

You know!

Oh, shit! Shit!

Holy shit.

You totally crimson mustached me!

Oh!

Oh god.

Oh, I just tasted it.

Oh, my tongue just tasted it!

Are you okay in there?

Ed?

Can I borrow your toothbrush?

I'm kidding!

I'm kidding, I'm totally, totally joking with you.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

Don't sweat it, babe. I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Besides, I was a little low on iron.

Come on.

Let's go light our farts on fire.

You know you love it.


We're interviewing several candidates for this position.

Great.

I thrive in competitive situations.

Give me three reasons why I should hire you.

Um...

I have excellent leadership and delegation skills.

In the past year, I was the head of two multimillion dollar campaigns, and I have seven years social media marketing experience as an account manager.

At Lowitz Murphy, you'd start out as an account assistant.

Great.

I am happy to learn and share my knowledge at any level.

It would be mostly learning.

We're very different from Kosner.

I'm always up for a challenge.

Oh.

You worked under Marcus Krevogate Kosner?

I did.

I know Marcus.

Really?

NYU.

The guy is the life of the party.

And um...

You...

Quit?

Yes.

Um...

Technically I was uh...

Well, you know what?

You probably don't want to be technical about it.

Yes, let's do.

I was let go.

Conflict of interest.

Marcus fired you?

Yes.

After three years of dating, Mr. wonderful dumped me, and then fired me.

And of course, the one real interview I managed to get in 32 days, he ruins that too.

Let's just cut the crap, shall we?

You're not gonna hire me because I was fired by your old college buddy.

But you know what?

As a marketing genius, this job is well beneath my talent and experience.

Here's the part where you say you'll be in touch.

And I go home and decorate my walls with post-it notes full of positive affirmations trying to control my way to happiness while I wait for the phone to ring.

But you know what I need much more than a shopping spree at staples, followed by an evening of fine point finger smudges and paper cuts?

Do you know?

I need a date, to tonight's wedding!

And if that means I need to get a little out of control, so be it!

Life's out of control, and from now on, so am I.

I am leaving now because I will not let you and Marcus be my fate.


Goodbye, my friend.

I'll miss you.

Hello?

Please forgive me, I was selfish and guarded and so much more.

I forgive you, I forgive you, and I am so sorry... no need to apologize, I just need Graham's number.

I'm gonna do it.

Oh, yay!

That is so wonderful.

I don't have his number though, I gave him my card.

Caller ID?

Blocked.

I am trying to do the right thing here.

Why won't the universe cooperate with me?

Ooh, I know, I can Facebook him.

You are Facebook friends with him?

Well, yeah, but I, I Facebook all my dates.

Okay, do you follow any of the dating rules?

I'm sorry... it's okay, I'm gonna let this go because I know about your quest to reach 1,000 Facebook friends.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Um...

Ooh, holy crow!

What?

Look, he just checked in for happy hour at the airliner downtown.

Yes!

I am no longer being cockblocked by the universe!

Wait, downtown?

Ah!

Can you just, can I...


Whoo!

Yeah, okay.

Thanks for having me.

Phil, you drinking?

Oh, we told you not to come here, Bart.

Graham.

Yeah?

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Wow.

Wow.

Did you uh, did you catch the gig?

I did, well just the end, but, um, it was great.

You were, you were really, you were really great.

Thanks.

How's um, how's the wedding song coming along?

Funny thing about that.

I'm, um, it's actually tonight, and um, I'm not playing a song.

Ah.

You get nervous, change your mind?

Uh, no.

I was never playing a song.

The truth is, um...

I know I hardly know you, but from the moment I met you, I felt this unbelievable connection, and...

I know this is gonna sound crazy but, maybe I need to be a little crazy, so...

Here goes.

I would love more than anything in the world for you to be my date tonight to said wedding.

What...

Is that said wedding invitation?

Yes.

Said wedding invitation.

And it's tonight, and it's short notice because it's at seven, and um...

Oh no wait, is it it seven or is it eight?

Oh, I think it's eight.

No, no, no, hang on, this will just take a second, I'm... it's...

I'm so sorry.

I should have, take one second, I'll just...

It's so embarrassing.

Nope.

You know what?

Who cares what time society said we should get there?

Let's just get there when we feel like it.

I got you a whiskey.

Thank you sweetheart.

Um...

Lucy, Mel.

Mel, Lucy.

But weren't you our waitress the other night?

I was.

But you were a very good waitress the other night, right?

Lucy?

Lucy!


Mr. and Mrs. Masterson?

Hi.

I'm Ryann Becker.

I went to precious heart with Denise.

Oh. Oh, how lovely!

Oh!

Oh!

You're the hot girl in can't buy me love.

Oh, yay, you got it!

I was afraid everyone might just think I was clumsy.

I know!

And I'm the chicken in the movie.

No, honey, you're the duck.

From that pink movie.

Ducky!

Yes!

I don't know, the girls dressed me.

Wow, I mean, not only is Denise the coolest person ever, but she has the coolest parents.

Yeah, I mean, my parents would never let me have a wedding like this.

Laura and Henry!

Oh, Elaine!

Hey, Mel.

Hi, Elaine!

It was nice to see you.

Ryann!

Hi!

Hey!

Cool.

Yeah.

So, ed and Chris are gonna save us some seats.

How many should we save for Lucy?

I don't know.

It's seven o'clock and she's still not answering her phone.

I mean, come on, let's be honest here.

I mean, the in the slight chance that she even tracked him down, what are the odds that he even said yes?

See, she came stag. Oh!

Okay, don't say anything.

Just act like it's completely normal.

Right, avoid tears. Yeah.

Lucy!

You look great.

You look amazing, your hair looks great.

Your eye makeup looks fantastic.

Mmhmm.

I suppose you want to know what happened.

No. Yes!

Was it traumatic?

Did you find him?

Did you say anything to him?

What did you say?

No, no, no, Lucy, don't cry. No, no, no, shh, shh, shh.

We're beyond tears here.

We're beyond tears. Yeah, be, be in control of the tears.

Are you wearing waterproof mascara?

I ate a hotdog off a street meat cart.

No napkin.

Luce, are you okay?

And then, I went home, and I shredded my ice post-it notes.

Ice?

In case of emergency.

Oh, dear god.

And then... mmhmm?

And then... There's more?

I called the owner from Betty vision, and I pitched myself to take over the campaign.

Ooh, what happened?

We have a meeting on Monday.

That's amazing!

Okay, I am confused here.

What happened to Graham?

Oh. Did he say yes or no?

He said... he said yes.

You didn't wait for me to give you an answer, but, I said yes.

What about your girlfriend?

Oh no, we broke up.

She was collecting her things.

So, uh...

You're single?

I'm single.

Me too.

I figured.

It's an 80s-themed prom wedding, so I still had it in my closet, short notice.

You gonna stand outside my window blasting that thing?

Yeah.

Stand here, yeah.

I figured maybe I should buy you a drink first, seeing as it's a first date and all.

Okay.

And what'll it be?

What about a Pinot grigio?

Let's make it two.

This is for you.

Hey.

Hey.

Cheers.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats as the ceremony starring your prom royalty will start in just a few moments.

Guess we should take our seats.

Guess we should.

Let's go, lovers!

Hey...

I'm glad you asked me to come.

'Cause that thing you felt...

Yeah, I felt it too.

I wanted to do that since I met you.

Oh...

I've been wanting to do that since I met you.

Okay then.

Let's get drunk.

Yeah.

He kissed me.

I kissed him.

Nectar?

Hi!

You guys know each other?

You know, it's, it's a really long story.

Yup, it's a long story.

Man, I wouldn't.

She's gay!

What?

Holy shitballs!

She just gets cooler and cooler.

To Denise Masterson.

To Denise Masterson.