The Week Of (2018) Script

Had a big one, Dr. C?

Another day, another life.

Oh, hell yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

And he is out. Can't feel a thing.

That's what she said.

I mean, I'm good, but I can't fix that.

Okay. Give me a 5/1 suture on a C1 needle.

Stitch to cannula.

Phone.

Hello? How ya doing, pal?

It's Kenny. You got a sec?

Ah, yeah.

Father of the groom. Are you psyched?

Yeah... Look, I know you got stuff.

But we got a bit of a jam going on, a lot of people didn't check off whether they want steak or fish.

I was wondering if you had an idea what your side of the family would want more, Then we don't have to over-order.

Uh... Take your time.

Well, maybe a steak by a little.

Oh, that's great!

So, would you say... No.

...maybe 60% steak, 40% fish or...

Uh, you know, I can still help you pay for the wedding if you'd let me...

No, no! I got this. All good here, pal.

The wedding, the hotel rooms. Mmm!

Yeah. Pinky Toe! Get down! Down! Get her down!

She shouldn't be up here.

Uh, you know what? Uh, could you hold on for a second?

Yeah, not a problem.

No, no, no! Take her off the table.

Because she's licking the cookies, and, yes, I'll still eat them.

Hello? Ugh! Damn it!

Hey. Hi!

Can you believe it's in five days?

It's like, is this really happening?

I mean in a good way!

Yeah, it's great.

I just have one question for you as a doctor.

Um, I read about this candy being recalled due to salmonella.

And I was buying candies for the wedding...

Of course, now I can't think of the brand.

You know what? Maybe text it later.

It was a peppermint bark, and also a drizzled peanut brittle.

Very nice. Me and the girls were taste-testing.

But now I'm reading salmonella could be fatal?

Well, actually, that's pretty rare.

I mean, the only deaths I've seen reported are children under three.

Oh, thank God! Yay! Okay, well, mine are older.

So 15 is okay then, right? Even if she got her period late?

What the hell are we... Here, hand me the phone. Hi.

Hey! Okay, we're done bothering you, pal. Go back to doing whatever you were doing.

Sounds good. See you.

I wanna talk to you.

I am so sorry I'm such an embarrassment to you!

I just wanted to know if my family was in jeopardy from salmonella!

You couldn't google it like everything else you google?

So now I over-google?

You wasted the man's time! He's a heart doctor.

Did you not hear the beepy things? I know how beeps work!

They were normal beeps, not long beeps!

I never would have bothered him during a long beep!

Oh, my God. That's so cute.

The toothbrush for you, the stethoscope for Tyler.

You like it?

I will pay for it like every other girl's parents do!

And it's gonna be great! It was Isaac's idea.

Of course it is! You're an amazing father!

You're just tense! I'm not tense!

Okay! Hey, everybody!

Grapes of Wrath, Rose, good choice. You still gotta read the book, though.

Have you read it, Dad? I'm gonna read it with you.

Tyler, you're gonna take him to practice? That's not gonna stress you out?

Oh, yeah, no big deal. All right.

I'm gonna go to the airport and pick up Uncle Seymour.

Who's that? He's Dad's grand-uncle.

He's the oldest living Lustig.

Come on. You met him in Miami. He's got all those great stories?

He's got one leg?

Oh, right. Yeah, you're gonna love him.

What are you doing? Why're you walking like this?

Are they too tight on you? No, my feet are swollen.

I'll go to Penney's. I'll return them. No, they fit. I'm just breaking them in.

It's so she doesn't walk like that at the wedding, Mr. Lustig.

Okay, okay. What's my favorite candy bar? The Whatchamacallit.

Who's my favorite first daughter? Me.

I love you. Love you. Bye.

I love you. Thank you, Mr. Lustig.

Here they come.

Seymour!

You got him from here? Oh, you're not his nurse?

Sir, I work for the airline. I'm not a nurse.

What? No, I was saying because of the wheelchair...

This is an airport wheelchair. And I'm actually gonna need it back.

Someone needs it more, sir.

Oh! Someone needs it more than this guy? Okay. Okay.

How was your trip, pal?

Oh. Oh!

Sorry.

What?

No legs? Yeah. Why?

I thought he still had one. You didn't tell me.

Well, maybe you never asked. That's diabetes. Works fast.

Terrible. Yeah.

Okay, anything else? I'm at work.

Okay. Why is he alone?

What, you think I got time to come in early?

World doesn't stop, bud. I'm running a pharmacy here.

Uh, look, just call me later and I'll give you all the instructions.

Instructions? What instructions?

You know, changing, his upkeep, all that stuff.

So, he doesn't have a nurse? Oh, calm down!

The doc says he can go 48 hours without another cleaning if you don't have time. What's a "cleaning"?

We'll talk. I got a customer. Wait!

So, he's gonna stay at the hotel all alone?

You're putting him in a hotel? He's 87!

It's just, there's so much going on at the house already...

The man is 87!

Okay, I'm taking him home!

Oh, so, how's the painting going, Seymour? You still doing the ceramics?

No.

Just tell Sarah to help you. Move my desk and fold out the sofa.

You were gonna put him in a hotel? With no legs?

I didn't know about the no legs!

It's fine. It's one person.

Yes. Um, just... I'll be another hour.

Tell everyone to meet at the house, not the hotel.

Our condos get a lot of divorced dads who wanna be near their kids.

They wanna at least feel like they're living in a nice place.

Yeah. We can do that. Absolutely.

Easy to accommodate. Not high-end, but very nice.

Would you like to see some of our work?

Uh, well, Norman... I'm Kenny. Norman's my boss.

Right, sorry.

There's a Quality Lodge in Mineola that we upgraded last year.

Took it to a Two Diamond from Triple A. This is almost unheard of.

Uh, my daughter's getting married there Saturday.

Really? You're having a wedding at a Quality Lodge?

It's a Two Diamond.

I only have a half an hour, but let me get my car and we'll go for a drive...

Let me drive you.

We're a smaller company, which is a positive.

I get to be hands-on this way.

I'll be there through the completion of the entire project.

Hey! You're up! Where'd you go?

This is my uncle, Seymour. He just flew in from Florida.

You were asleep, buddy. I didn't wanna wake you.

He was asleep.

The rec center over there, they went with us.

Did the piping in the locker room.

And updated the alarm system in that building.

I gotta go.

We're almost home, Seymour.

Bathroom. Oh.

We're almost done, okay? Don't you have your pull-ups on?

That's for piss, this is a shitting.

Just about where we have to be. Can you hold it in for four minutes?

I can't.

It's three minutes now.

I can give you two.

What happened? What happened?

Oh, now it folds.

Are you kidding me?

I've never used one of these before.

What's taking so long?

Seymour...

Let's get... Let's get... Let's go.

This is actually a good thing, because they have Dyson AirBlade hand dryers, which I can show you.

It'd be good for your lobby bathrooms. Uh-huh.

There's no, uh, handicapped room?

No, I did not say that. Well, put him on the phone, then.

Isaac, did you tell your mom I said not to shower?

I did not... Because your mother says your fingernails are filthy!

They're both 23 years old. Feels young to me.

But they're in love, I guess. So, who knows what's right.

Nobody told me about the no legs at all.

Oh, somebody's in there. Don't see anybody.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm ready!

Need those baby wipes.

They both picked Tufts so they could live together.

She's in dental, he's in med.

Okay. Good for him. I thought he was just gonna be a dentist, too.

There's a lot of great dentists out there, Iris.

Not all of them fondle people when they're under the gas.

All right, Ma.

You guys, wait till you see Sarah's dress.

I've seen her in it. It's so beyond, tasteful, not whore-y at all.

I still wish you would've worn mine.

I'm sorry, Grandma, I know. I just...

She's wearing her own dress!

You guys, I said I saw it.

And look at Isaac! Oh, my God.

I just wanna squeeze this head till it explodes!

Oh, I could just pull his face off and put it on my night table, so I could see it before I go to bed!

You should've seen this one in the play. He was phenomenal.

Oh, he was the only one you looked at up there.

Wait a minute. This is amazing.

He was in a Broadway play?

No. In camp.

Oh, was it Juilliard camp?

No.

Was it a camp for theatrical children?

No.

It wasn't a special ed camp?

No. It wasn't.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, hey! Here he is! The man himself.

What are you doing?

If anyone can figure out how to open up the wheelchair out front, please!

Put my brother down! I will, Iris.

Can somebody get a chair?

This is my little girl, the one who's getting married.

Hi, Uncle Seymour. Thank you so much for coming in.

And little Rose.

I thought he had one leg.

No, he has less.

Okay, give him a kiss, sweetie. That's it.

Isaac, give your uncle a kiss.

I-I, I did.

Okay, then let's sit down here.

Here you go, Seymour. That's it. That's it, we're in there.

Seymour, Seymour, it's Roberta. How are you?

I'm okay now. Finally.

He put me in a car with no air conditioning.

Treated me like a dog.

Isaac likes Jeremy Lin?

And he's aware that Jeremy Lin no longer plays for the New York Knicks?

It's a very nice shirt, $7 at Modell's.

We're so late. Right.

I'm so sorry. Hi. Never too late. How are ya?

Had to come see the man of the hour!

Eighty-seven years old!

Mr. Lustig? That's right.

Why did we invite them, again?

They're our neighbors. We had to.

He just gets so weird with me.

You've known them all your life. There's pictures of you as babies!

He still has them up in his room. Yeah.

We are late because Jared had a singing lesson.

Oh, Jared.

So, maybe you could do something at the wedding?

What was the one you sang at her Sweet 16?

That was a Ray LaMontagne.

But that was kind of our song.

Aw! Well, that's ancient history.

Perfect. So maybe you could do one of his songs with the band.

It's not a band, it's a DJ.

Sarah's cousin Jeddy.

He's supposed to be incredible. Kid's a whiz.

He's 12 years old.

Oh, and the father-daughter song. We gotta pick one, kiddo.

Think about Billy Joel. I used to sing it to you as a kid, huh?

Okay. All right. See you in a little bit.

Kenny. Kenny. I was telling Seymour that the other father's rich.

He's a surgeon. Why didn't you let him pay for the band?

We're fine, Iris. The kid's a whiz.

I just gotta make sure the groom's dad is happy.

He's very, very...

This is the Executive Suite? Yes, yes.

Do you have any bigger ones?

No, no. This Executive Suite.

I know. I...

Maybe wondering if we can do something to jazz it up.

If you got anything leather.

Old, uh, ottoman from old room.

We keep one in basement.

Okay. Good.

What else? Maybe something... More gadgets or more high-techy stuff or...

I will look.

There is toaster.

Okay. You'll look.

Oh! I got an old chandelier in my attic.

You can install it or I can get you one of my guys.

We can do.

You're the best, Hanan. Now we're cookin'.

Let's keep thinking, come up with more.

And we are not ever gonna tell anybody that this stuff wasn't already in the room, right?

Yes. Okay.

Hey, how about this?

How about we put a sign on, like, "Governor's Suite" or "Thomas Jefferson Suite"?

Can you do that quick? Can you get that up by Wednesday?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah. All right. All right.

You don't have to write "Doctor" on that card.

He's just a chiropractor, so make it "Mister," okay?

Okay. Hey.

Oh, hey. How was the hotel?

Perfect. It's all set. What has happened? Why you guys up?

We couldn't finish the name tags 'cause everyone stayed so late.

Yeah, so now we're gonna have to rush the calligraphy.

Sarah, you should've eloped like Mom and Dad.

Nice. What's an "elope"?

It's when you sneak off and get married in secret.

Yeah, we lived with our parents for four months.

We were too afraid to tell them.

You lied to your parents?

No, no, it just never came up. It was a different time.

I think it's romantic that Dad couldn't wait to marry Mom.

I was lucky. Hey, come on. We gotta go to sleep.

Did you brush your teeth? Yeah, I did.

Let me smell.

He's not lying. He did it.

For the first time, he told the truth, but let's go to sleep, guys.

I just don't want you to be cranky tomorrow.

I'm begging you. Seymour's... I don't want you to wake Seymour.

He seems pretty knocked out to me.

No, but we gotta be considerate. Come on. Please?

No, listen. I don't need to sleep.

I'm gonna stretch Sarah's shoes, okay? I'll be fine.

You're crazy.

Pinky Toe. Come here, come here. Come here, come here. All right.

God damn!

What are you doing? Oh, shit.

What was that? Was that his head? Just go to sleep. Come on. Don't laugh.

Daddy?

What? What're you doing up?

I'm just worried about the wedding.

Hey. I get it, hon.

Your sister's too young, but this is what she wants to do.

We gotta accept it.

Oh, no. I was worried whether it's gonna be nice enough.

What?

Well, Sarah has really good taste.

I mean, she's understated, but also sophisticated.

So I don't know if a DJ... Okay. Okay.

Look, she didn't say these things to me. She knows it's important to you.

Right, I'm aware about her taste, okay? I'm on it, the whole taste thing.

Just... Why don't you go to sleep? You got school.

School's over. It's summer.

Well, just sleep now, okay? It's good for you.

Oh, my God, the three-hour difference!

That's a big brain fart for me.

Oh, sorry! Senior moment and I'm only 48. Can you believe it?

It's okay. Um...

Maybe we could talk a bit later?

Sure, sure.

I just thought it'd be nice to chat before the wedding and all the craziness.

Get to know each other a little.

Okay, so let's talk...

So, all I really know is you're very pretty and your husband wasn't around much.

He played around a lot.

What? Are you out of your mind?

I am not a lip-reader.

Hang the phone up. Say goodbye. Hello?

I just wanted to ask how close she wanted her table to the father!

You have to make small talk first!

At 4:00 in the morning!

I didn't know!

You didn't, then you did!

What? I was about to get off before you butted in!

You know something? I can't die first!

I know it's wrong to say, but I couldn't handle you ever making decisions all by yourself!

It wouldn't be fair to you or the kids!

Sweetheart, you need to gain weight. You're too skinny.

There you go, darling.

Okay, all right. Looking good. Open.

Oh, yeah. Such service!

Anybody figure out that chair? The button situation?

Good morning, Seymour.

Seymour, you're here. You're good. Go ahead.

Eggs, Ma, eggs. Hey, all right. Love you, pal. Love you.

Dad? Yeah, what?

Is Mom gonna die soon like you were yelling about?

What's that, buddy?

You were deciding who to die first?

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not gonna happen for a very long time, pal.

I was just saying that, when it does happen, I think it would be best that it's your mom, for everyone's sake.

Okay, guys. I'm sorry to break up all the fun.

I have to stop by work. That's what the boxes are for.

Seymour, Seymour, you need to go to the bathroom?

Kenny's leaving, so now is the time.

Not now.

Why don't you just try? No.

You sure you don't have to make?

I thought Norman gave you the rest of the week off?

Oh, he did. I just... I'm gonna go by for a minute, and then I'm gonna pick your brother's family up at the airport.

Okay, well, if you take the minivan, don't adjust the seat setting.

Don't adjust it? No, I got it set perfect. Please!

Oh! Hey, hey, big man. What's in the boxes?

Oh, these? These are for him.

Hi. Okay, okay.

How're we doing? How're we doing?

Everybody, everybody, this is my almost dad-in-law, Kenny.

Look at this.

I am so happy you made it. Congratulations.

You got quite a cousin here or whatever he is to you.

Nice to meet you.

I hope everybody likes the hotel. It's a Two Diamond.

So, yeah, my company worked on it and it's fantastic.

If you have any problems, you make sure and call me.

I left an emergency contact number in every room.

Hey, no problem. Psyched to be in New York City.

Capital of the world, y'all!

Actually, we're in Long Island, which is an hour and 20 from the city. Three hours with traffic.

Probably not gonna have time for that, but next time you come, for sure.

Yeah. Your father, is he here?

No, he's actually coming in tomorrow.

You know, work, work, work, right?

All right. Looking forward to meeting the man.

Uh, room service is open till ten o'clock. So enjoy that, guys. Great to meet you!

I played Linus and Sarah was Lucy. That was tenth grade.

I remember that show. You were very good. Wasn't he, Sarah?

They would rehearse right in her bedroom, for hours on end!

Is that all you did?

Stop it, Iris. Please. It's ancient history, just like he said.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Jesus Christ, he is so pathetic. I can't stand him.

He just won't leave. His parents aren't even here now.

Do you want me to bang him? 'Cause I would totally bang him if it would help just get him away for a while.

It's okay.

Think about it.

Okay, so we have to decide what song you're gonna come out to, okay?

I know.

It's like, we gotta do choreography, we have to...

Oh, my God!

Um, my number four premolar is a little sensitive to cold.

Can you help me? I'm so happy you're here.

Of course. Are you calm? Have you been reading Bad Feminist?

Yes, thank you, and I feel like a better bad feminist for it.

Hi, I'm Robin.

Oh, hi. My BFF.

This is Emily and Danielle from school.

Hi, we've heard so much about you. Yes. So many stories.

It's so nice to meet you two. It's good you're here.

This one could really use some love right now.

Oh, no.

It's nothing, especially with you guys here early.

You are so tall in those shoes. Aw.

Guys, I've seen her in her dress already. She is gorgeous and she was just so worried to me about it.

Aw, I can't wait to see it.

Oh, so we were talking about the reception and what song we should come out to when we're introduced.

Oh, like one of those corny YouTube thing?

It'll be fun. Right?

Um, so, our friend Kelly suggested "Party Rock," LMFAO.

Oh, that's lively. But I suggested Journey.

You know, "Don't Stop Believin'"?

My God, that is perfect.

See?

It's so obvious and so amazingly overdone.

Yeah, that would be hilarious.

That's a good one, Robin.

Showing us that he can play center field.

He's showing that.

I think he's doing a pretty good job there.

He's okay out there.

And obviously, I mean, he's starting to hit again.

Mmm. I can't believe she's getting married.

I remember when you used to drive her around on her paper route

'cause she was afraid to ride her bike in the street.

Yeah.

Jeddy is so excited to DJ the wedding. Aren't you, Jeddy?

I hear you're quite the DJ, young man.

They said he had to do it. So you could save money.

Come on, Noah. No, he doesn't mean that.

Yes, he does.

Oh, listen. You don't have to do it if you don't want to.

He wants to do it.

I don't! Not at some stupid wedding!

Noah! You see what you did?

Thanks for having Noah.

It's so nice they let him out of rehab for the week.

Oh, yeah. Gotta have Noah. Love the boy.

Yeah. They said he can stay at your house with special instructions.

Wait, you're staying with us? I mean, 'cause that's phenomenal.

I told you that.

I know you did. I know you did.

I'm gonna call home, make sure that everything is perfect for you.

How're we supposed to have them here? Please, fill me in.

Yeah, so they'll stay in Isaac's room. Right?

And Isaac will move to Rose's room. That's great.

Yeah, but Noah? How did this happen? Did Jay tell you and you forgot about it?

Yes, yes. It's gonna be great.

I gotta go.

Right. Of course. Yeah, sure, sure.

Ah, not as excited as these guys are, huh?

Yeah, no, we'll be home soon. The traffic's not so bad.

I love...

What is the, uh... What's happening? The... Is she still...

That's weird. Let me...

Ah, honey? Are you still there?

Uh, yeah. Hello?

Who's this?

This is Marvin. I'm a cousin of the groom.

You said to call if there was any problems.

Yeah, it's pretty much since we got here. Now it's worse.

We get it fixed very soon.

Oh, why not now, pal?

There is some work being done in Executive Suite directly above.

That's my dad's room? Yes.

It's possibly possible this work may have caused the leak.

The cutting into the ceiling.

Yeah, well, I'm not aware of this work.

But maybe if you guys used the inch-and-a-half copper pipes, like we suggested four years ago, we wouldn't be in this jam right now.

Can't we just get another room in the meantime?

Why the giggling? Is the rest of the place booked?

Well, I know there's a Ronnie the Limo Driver book signing tomorrow night in the lobby, so the place is buzzing.

That's interesting.

So, uh... I can apologize to you for this. I really am truly embarrassed.

But maybe I can call some other hotels, check on their availability.

Or if we need to, you guys could crash at our house until it's fixed.

That'll work.

Okay. So, we'll do that. Hey, don't forget your gift bags.

My wife and kids put them together for you.

Snapple.

All local foods. Snapple's based on Long Island.

That's from the King Kullen Supermarkets, also Long Island.

Cool. Thanks.

This is so nice, right? This is great.

Everybody all cozy together in one place. I love it.

Yeah, and with Noah.

Oh, yeah.

I think this is gonna be good for him.

We just have to follow the center's instructions.

Oh, sure. What can we do for you?

So, obviously, no one should drink in front of him.

Oh, okay. Sure, we can make that work.

Another guest with special requirements, that's fine.

No knives near him.

Oh, even in the kitchen?

Well, I think they mean hide them. Not anywhere he can get to them.

Okay. No cords.

Jay? What else? We're talking about Noah.

Did you mention the medicine cabinet? Oh, yeah.

You should remove any medication, pills of any kind from your cabinets.

And triggers. Yes, triggers. No music.

No music at all?

I only ask 'cause we're having a wedding.

Not sure. You know what? I have the list of triggers on my iPad.

Do you have a printer?

Oh! Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, let my cousin help you out with that.

He's the one sleeping on it. She's feeding me.

No, it's fine. We're having fun.

You gotta put it in the hole, honey. I'm trying, Dad.

I know you're trying. You're doing great, but it's better if it's in.

Hey Tyler, wanna have a catch?

Hey, sorry, little man. I gotta run. But I'll be back later on tonight. Okay?

You gotta leave already? Yeah, I gotta take off.

She doesn't want him to leave. Of course she doesn't. She loves him.

Yeah, you know I gotta go study.

He has to study. Yeah.

When are you coming back? She wants to know when he's coming back.

Now they want privacy.

Hi. I'm Sarah, by the way.

Sarah. Right. Nice to meet you.

I'm the groom. Which side of the family are you on?

I've lost track. Me, too. Me, too. Yeah.

Do you wanna go somewhere else, like, a little bit quieter?

I don't know, like Mardi Gras or a Justin Bieber concert or something?

Guess what? My dad's concerned about the open bar. Said the deal's a rip-off.

Yeah, it's all good. It's whatever he wants.

At this point, I just wanna look good in the pictures.

Oh! I didn't see anything!

There's nothing to see, brother. Thanks. Good luck.

It must be that new love shit, huh?

What? Okay, time to go.

Okay. Happy studying. Love you.

She loves him. Like I said before.

Course she does! That's her guy.

Pinky Toe!

Oh! Oh! Okay. Sorry, man.

Should we keep her outside?

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine. We'll find a way to separate them.

Yeah, I'm calling to get your flight information so I can, uh, pick you up.

When are you coming?

Hey, look, man. I had to get on an earlier flight.

They were forecasting bad weather out in LA.

So you're here?

Because we can get you the room.

Sorry, I can't hear shit.

You got an animal shelter going on, or what?

Let me find a quiet place. Hang on.

I said we could get you the room tonight, or you could stay with us.

No, no, I didn't wanna put you guys out.

I feel bad.

I shouldn't have called so late. Did I wake you up?

No, no, no, I'm up reading surgery books.

So you're in the city. What hotel are you at?

The Mandarin.

Ooh! Well, you are going to love the room we got you here.

It is spectacular.

I'll pick you up in the morning.

I can get a car service, man.

No. Absolutely not. I will see you at ten o' clock.

I'm sorry, just one more second.

Hi! I heard you're just reading a book.

I hope it's okay if I ask you one more little question.

We were told to clear out our medicine cabinet...

Oh, shit.

...for a house guest who just got out of rehab, and what I'm wondering is, does that include anti-frizz shampoo?

Because I saw there's alcohol on the label.

I don't wanna take any chances.

But it's a brand-new bottle, right? I mean, it smells pretty good.

I don't want anyone drinking it over ice.

Oh, my God, it smells good in here.

All right, I'm off. I'm off to pick up the big man.

He's not a big man. Okay.

Why don't you let him get a car service?

He's the one with the money. Okay, Iris.

Oh! Hey, guys. What's doing? Come on in.

What's that? Oh, breakfast is cooking.

I'm sorry, I didn't get everybody's name yesterday. You're...

Leonard. Leonard. That's right.

Jermaine. Jermaine is it.

That's it. There you go.

Yeah. We got the killer eggs going, and pancakes and, uh...

I was on my way to pick up Dr. C, but...

Hey, uh, guys, look who's here. It's Leonard and Jermaine.

I found them outside. This is my brother, Mark.

And this is Rose, my daughter, and Iris and my wife, Debbie.

Bringing it with the home fries.

What do you like, pancakes, eggs?

Uh, sure.

Okay. Okay, let's go. Well, there's your answer.

All right. And this is Noah, over there in the corner.

That's fake crystal, by the way, Noah.

And where's Sarah? Where is the bride?

She is sleeping, I'm guessing, or stretching her shoes.

Hey, Marvin, Ethridge, look who's here.

Hey.

"Hey"? That's all they get? For Leonard and Jermaine?

You can't give them a little more?

Um, how you doing? Nice to meet you.

"Nice to..." These are your family, right?

I don't know them. Me, neither.

Not my family.

Okay.

We were just walking by... Yeah. I get it.

Go ahead and, uh... enjoy the breakfast anyways.

My mistake.

Oh, good morning. You sleep okay in Rose's room?

Yeah. It was great.

I like those glasses, Iris.

Mark gave me a free eye exam at his store, and then he got me these glasses cheap.

Well, you got the wholesale price. You paid what I would pay.

Well, that sounds like a nice deal. I'm in.

Family discount.

Wow, that's so nice. Thank you, Mark.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

You hear about Mark's deal? That's the hookup.

It's a bargain, you guys.

Wait, I'm so bad with names. Which cousin are you again?

Uh, actually we're... Just roll with it.

Cousin Leonard. Cousin Jermaine.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Columbus Circle. I'm going the right way, right?

Keep it going. Yep.

It's a Two Diamond.

I mean, nothing against the place you were staying, but...

...runs, I mean, it's not like this team hasn't hit.

Because they have hit.

Housing market. Yuki Noguchi, NPR news.

Hey. There he is!

I... I'd get out of the car, but that truck driver's honking at me.

No problem.

Sir, could you pop the trunk, please?

Oh, uh, this is jammed. Uh...

Do you want me to put 'em in the back seat?

No, take the key. Take the key, please. Take the key. Okay.

Take the key. Just pop it.

Be one sec. He's gonna, he's... Sir, there's no keyhole back here.

Okay. Let me have the key back, then.

Just put the stuff in the back seat.

Back seat, you got it. Thank you.

Got you a Starbucks. Worth it, right?

Thanks, thanks, but I may need to stay sleepy.

Oh. Okay. Stayed up all night with the surgery books?

Yeah, and the electric blinds programmed wrong.

Oh. Well, this car, ah, the seats recline all the way back if you just pull the handle.

I can do it for you if you want.

No, I'm... I'm good.

Got seat heaters, too.

Just press the button. But it's summertime, so...

Yeah, my seat... My seat's fine.

Well, we should be there in 45 minutes to an hour, thirty, so...

Think about reclining it. It's there for you if you want it.

And also I would crank up the AC, you just gimme a nod.

That was a nod. Okay. That was an AC nod.

Oh, it was the AC nod. I thought you were nod...

All right, let's see how the window goes for a bit, and then we'll get the AC going.

How we doin' with the AC? You good still? You don't need it, right?

I'm just talking gas-wise, it's better off.

I'm just saying, AC would be great.

You say it and we... We'll turn it on.

I said it.

That's right. 100%.

I'll just hit the switch and it's blasting.

It's really hot in here.

It's getting there, right?

All right, go to sleep.

It's hard to sleep 'cause of all the noise.

Yeah. All right. From outside.

How's this? Let me turn it on for you.

Better? Yeah.

Okay, let's turn it off. Then...

This is Dr. Cortice.

Yes, all ready.

Uh-huh. The suite?

There he is! You almost gave me a heart attack. Mr. Last Minute, huh?

What, you forgot?

We're supposed to have a meeting about Saturday.

This guy you married.

I'm gonna bring this man up to his room.

Hi, Dr. Cortice.

Oh, stop with the "Doctor." Just call me Kirby.

Look, just don't call him "Dad" or Kenny will plotz.

That's not true. That's not true. You look gorgeous.

I've seen her in the dress. You're gonna have a seizure.

You know what? You guys do what you gotta do.

I'm gonna hit the room. And I'll catch you later.

Oh, no. I'm gonna bring you up to the room.

Oh, come on, Pop. He's a big boy. Come on.

Hanan, you're gonna bring him...

We gotta talk down the running order. And where's the magician?

We have a magician?

Yes, we do, honey. He's great. He goes table to table.

He's gonna double as the emcee, too. He does it all.

Kenny, did you ever ask Sarah if she's good with the magician?

What? Now she doesn't like magicians?

Ah, here's Kent! Apologies, folks. Is this the bride?

Yes. Ah, pleasure.

I'm gonna have a heart attack!

You see what I mean, huh?

Kent, take 'em through the night.

Cocktails. I'll be going around with the light stuff: cards, coins, foam balls. Keep it simple.

Wait. Magic during the cocktails?

Well, you want people to stay interested, right?

What, you think they're gonna be bored? I don't know.

It's a fast-moving world out there. You got computers, cellular telephones...

May I continue?

Yes.

Wedding, photos, reception line, "Folks, if you'll find your way to your tables," crowd-work, "Is this your card, madam?"

Boom, cheers, "Who's the next victim?" Laughs, "Oh, I see you've forgotten this," pulls card from pocket, screams, "Sir, I see you really love your queens."

Big laughs.

"And now for the real stars of our show," cue band. DJ.

Cue DJ. Yes.

Introduction, bridesmaids, groomsmen.

We're gonna come out in pairs.

And who's this?

"This" is the bride's best friend.

We choreographed an entrance. It's gonna be to "Don't Stop Believin'."

That sounds amazing. Right?

So obvious, you gotta love it. Yes. High camp.

You know what'd be hysterical? I know what you're thinking, Glen.

Dry ice. Yes.

He knows his stuff.

What the...

TV, color.

Refrigerator is here.

Mmm-hmm.

Toaster. Four slice.

For exercise.

Or to hang myself.

Is there anything else I can get for you?

You know what? I'm gonna go to bed. Long night.


So, all you did was just pull on the cord?

I didn't pull on anything. I didn't touch it. I breathed on it.

That's interesting, because I remember when we suggested the reinforced ceilings, you didn't wanna go for that.

No.

And why does the hotel have a painting of your grandma hanging up?

Oh. That's not my grandma. That painting came with the room.

But she looks just like you.

Does she?

I take that as a compliment 'cause that's a very attractive woman there.

But it's not my grandma.

So, what does Rose call you? What are you to her?

Sister's father-in-law?

Well, that's what he is, that's not what you call him.

Who folded the chair? Oh! It was blocking the path.

Well, did you know that his hands are insured?

He's very important.

I mean, honestly, you don't have to move the old man for me.

Oh, no, no, no. He's happy wherever he is. Don't worry about that, pal.

Dr. C needin' his own space.

Hey, Pop. Uh...

You flew into New York yesterday?

Yeah, it was a weather thing.

A weather thing in LA?

Hey, I'm here. I took my room at the Shits Carlton.

Got a chandelier to the skull, just like I requested.

So, any celebrities you've worked on?

You mean, like, surgery? Yes.

Yeah, I can't really speak about the ones that aren't public.

But you know Rosie O'Donnell?

Oh, my... Debbie! Rosie McDonald!

What? What? He did the heart.

Was she nice? She doesn't seem happy.

Well, she was asleep most of the time I was with her.

Oh! Well, you see, that's rude.

Ma, he means the anesthesia.

Of course!

Are you sure you wanna be part of this crazy family?

No.

Sorry, guys. Remember, the loud laughing, it's a trigger.

Are we really not gonna talk about this now?

No, Dad, I'm not gonna have a prenup.

She's a nice girl. But...

She's a nice girl, but come on, look around, these people are broke.

Oh, uh, one second.

Hey, Kenny. Yeah?

Kenny. Real quick.

Oh. All right! Small problem. Yeah?

I'll fix it. Just... I'll shoot over to the hotel.

Okay. I'll go with ya.

No, no, no! You hang out here! You relax!

It definitely burns. Yes. It's killing me.

Ask him. I mean, he's not a urologist, but I'm sure he'd take a look.

I'm going with you.

Okay, gotta run over to the hotel. Be back in a few.

Seymour, do you need to go?

Seymour, Kenny's leaving.

Seymour, can you wake up?

Why did he...

You're gonna need a valet to move these cars.

No, we'll take my wife's minivan.

You drive with your seat that close to the wheel?

Yeah, it's good. This way I'm closer to the button. It's...

Yeah, but you go full leg in the other car.

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, whose room are we goin' to?

Uh, your daughter's room. And... My ex mother-in-law.

Seymour's up! Come on.

Incredible. All right. Seymour's up!

Goodbye. Goodbye, already. He has to go!

Hey, he has to go!

So, it's... The leak's just spreading now.

This is because of the doctor's suite the workers had to fix.

Okay. Oh! It's all about the doctor now?

Same doctor that found the tumor on your CAT scan.

Stage two. Big-ass deal.

Beat it, dumped on it, moved on.

Uh, and the hotel's completely booked?

It is squishy.

Oh, yeah! You heard the squishy noise. And it made you laugh more.

You know, I can get you guys a lifeguard or move you into a nicer place till they fix this.

No! No!

We don't need your nice place, Dad.

I'm not gonna be separated from the family. I value family.

Okay, okay.

I hear the squish.

There's plenty of families staying at our house, including your father.

You're welcome to join us.

Thank you. That sounds fine.

These sweaters I'd laid out got leaked on. I expect to be compensated.

Oh. We'll work on that. Ah...

Until then, there's something else I can do for you ladies.

Parcheesi?

You never heard of Parcheesi, Marvin?

It's more fun than it looks!

It's from an old Indian game. The Parcheesi tribe, I think.

Is that right, Ma? I never heard that one.

'Cause that's not true. At all.

Okay, Mr. Know-It-All. Look it up.

Yeah, he won't look it up, 'cause he knows you're right.

Dad, where do we put these?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Everyone, look at this.

My kids are actually helping for the first time in their lives.

Oh, stop it. Congratulations.

Take it to the office, where Dr. Cortice was gonna sleep.

Okay, yeah. You take those there.

Is that where we're gonna be tonight? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Cortice, you can take our bedroom. I never sleep anyway.

No, she'll vacuum all night long. You'll hear that.

Hey, how come... It's my guilty pleasure.

How come nobody sleeps down here, though?

It's nice, the game room, right? It's just the asbestos.

It's fine for a couple of hours, but not a whole night.

What? No, it's good in moderation.

In moderation it's fine.

Okay, so, Kelly and me were thinking, "What has never been done before?"

And then it hits us, boom.

We come out and do a whole evolution of dance thing.

Right, like, we start with the disco and then we go all the way to the Whip and the Nae Nae.

Isn't this supposed to be, like, 20 seconds?

Okay, please don't be jealous, this is Sarah's time.

So, we come out in our John Travolta jackets and...

What happened to your face?

Oh, my God, is that an allergy?

What're you doing?

Ah, I'm coming over.

Me and Iris have to finish our game of gin rummy. We're tied.

Fun.

Well, we were just about to hit up the Noodle Bar in Syosset, sit outside the bathroom and rate the guys as they come out.

Or I saw online, there's this stretching class.

Oh, yes! So, Sarah needs to decompress and it is RumChata shot night, okay?

Kelly, get the bags. Is this your going-out clothes?

I only have three shirts.

I like that one. Yeah, thank you.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!

You have another move.

Fourteen. What now?

Well, it says in the rules, if you roll a doublet, you get to move what's on the other side of the dice.

A doublet? I never played that way. Opposites?

We're good. Thanks anyway, Doublet.

Doublet.

Doublet.

Morgan! Get to business, Morgan! Come on!

Hello? Hey, what's up, girl?

"Girl"? What do you want, Kirby?

Well, you know, I figured since we're in the same city and all, you know, maybe I could come over and...

We're in the same city all the time. LA.

Yeah, but our baby's getting married.

You know? That baby we made together?

Mmm-mmm.

I'm here with Ignacio. I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner.

Well, you know, I just thought maybe you might wanna hang out with a grown-up for a change. That's all.

Are you really trying to booty call me just so that you could get out of that house with all your relatives?

Booty call? Why would you even go there?

You think I don't talk to my mother? Doublet.

Doublet? That's the rules! Those are the actual rules of the game!

I got all the grown-up I need right here.

Thank you.

What's up, man?

I'm all right. Fucking Lakers.

Yeah.

Uh-huh. We'll see you Friday.

I'm in control, I'm in control. I'm in control.

I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I have dreams.

I have aspirations.

I have things that are going on in my head whether anyone believes it or not. Okay?

You don't know me.

So, what's up?

Don't pretend you wanna talk.

You can write prescriptions, right?

I am not going to jail for you.

Look, I don't wanna freak you out.

But there is a significant chance that I will burn this house down if I'm not on drugs within the next two hours.

Oh, if my ex-wife is in here when you burn it down, I'll give you all the pills you want.


Ah, so sexy.

Work it. Uh-huh!

Damn. Look at those!

Whoo!

Feel good. These are firm, girl!

I wonder if they taste as good as they feel.

Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah.

Ooh, I'ma get all up in there.

What's the matter?

Is there a burglar? No!

Don't worry, I got the bat! Take this.

My hands! My hands!

Are these the ones that are insured?

Yeah! They're my hands! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the shit? There you go!

It's honey. It's the best thing to soothe the pain.

There you go. Just leave that on for ten minutes.

Ah! Ah!

Are you here yet? He's outta clothes.

Well, I didn't want him to overpack.

You guys can't wash what he has?

Charles, we have a wedding this week! It's...

All he's got left is his old, moldy army uniform.

Well, it fits him again since the diabetes.

He likes it.

Wasn't he, like, discharged for skipping boot camp during Passover or something?

Hey, he served his time. He did, like, 11 months in Texas or somewhere.

Anyway, you're getting him a tux, no? He doesn't have a tux.

You understand that, right?

Yes, yes.

Just come here, please, and get the booze like you said you would.

Don't worry. I'm getting a deal, here.

Haitian guy I met on the plane is setting me up.

Okay, great. Thank you.

Yes, you got the arm. Right there, Seymour.

You okay, Seymour?

Brake. Brake. Brake?

Brake. Brake. Yeah.

Dominic, Lazzero, I'm gonna need another tux.

I didn't realize my uncle Seymour doesn't have one.

Wow, look at this man.

Thank you for your service.

It's okay.

You kidding me? You didn't tell me, Kenny.

What? No, no, he's not...

We're gonna take good care of you. You're not gonna spend a dime.

We don't get heroes here very much.

World War II, right?

Yep.

No one here's paying.

I got your whole family, Seymour. Bless you.

Greatest goddamn generation right over here.

You got that right. Freakin' legs blown off.

Did he just say nobody's paying for anything?

Yeah, what'd you say to them?

I didn't lie. He was in World War II.

Here you go, Uncle Seymour.

I got arms. Just hand me the chicken.

I wanna say this.

Last week, we had Ronnie the Limo Driver in here.

This is bigger. This means more.

Ah! Look at this guy. Huh?

Lookin' sharp, kiddo.

Dad?

How do you like it, Isaac? Is it okay?

Is it itchy?

Don't worry. If it's itchy, we'll find you another one.

That's a nice tux. But the kid isn't happy.

You are happy? No? Why are you upset?

Isaac, come on. We don't got time. We gotta move...

The game! Oh, shit! Sorry!

Guys, guys, we gotta go!

The kid's got a game.

We're gonna watch you, Isaac.

We're all gonna watch Isaac.

Isaac, go big!

Let's go, Isaac!

How do you not know where the field is, Ma?

You've been coming for six years already.

Just turn on the GPS, then.

What do you mean, the lady's voice frightens you?

Turn the volume down, then.

I don't know what to tell you, Ma. This is...

I can't hear you.

Stay calm, Ma.

What? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thank you for your service. What a hero. World War II, right?

Yep.

What do you say, Eva?

Thanks for killing the Nazis. Good girl.

Yeah, yeah. Thank...

Him? Yeah, yeah, sure. A real hero!

They do know his legs are from diabetes, right?

Ah... Never came up.

Ladies and gentlemen, to throw out the first pitch, World War II veteran, Seymour Lustig.

He was in World War II. In Texas.

Our hero!

All right, let's go.

Everybody's a winner! Everybody's a winner!

Every day's the World Series.

Where's Isaac? I guess he's not starting.

Boo!

Boo!

He'll get in the game, guys!

Put Isaac in! That's gobbledygook!

Run, Bobby! Run!

You suck!

Put Isaac in!

Okay, you can't...

Please don't discourage Noah. He needs the release.

Get that shitty kid out of there! Yeah!

Send that little bitch home!

Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Issac! Who's Isaac?

I think it's the war hero's grandkid.

Oh. Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!

All right, Isaac, you're gonna bat for Max when he comes up next inning.

Your name's Isaac?

Isaac! Isaac!

He's upset. He's upset. He's upset. He's upset.

Okay.

Listen, it's just a game, Isaac.

Don't worry about it.

Whatever happens, everyone loves you.

Strike one.

Boo!

That was low! Are you outta your mind, Eddie?

Thanks for the wedding invite, Ken. I've only known you 15 years.

Are you kidding me? Am I supposed to invite the whole town?

Strike two.

That's all right. That's all right. Keep your eye on the ball.

Just make contact, buddy.

Just make contact.

We'll get ice cream after no matter what, okay?

Go! Go!

I got it! I got it!

Yes!

Yeah! Yeah, buddy, yeah!

Matt, you okay?

Hang on a second, buddy.

Isaac! Isaac!

Thank you for your service.

Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Issac! Issac!

Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!

Damn! I missed the game, huh?

I heard a kid got hurt.

Charles? Hey, Pops, don't get up.

He loves those jokes.

Hey, glad you got here. What's with the bags?

It's the booze for the wedding. All duty-free, baby.

What is that? Chivas?

Yeah, and not a dime in taxes.

They say this should feed about 200.

Dad, I'm sorry. I know you're doing everything you can, and I love you, but...

Mr. Lustig, I can't let this happen.

What the...

Why is that one open?

Come on, it was a two-hour Uber ride from the airport.

In case anybody wants some smokes.

And... this bad boy is gonna light up the dessert table.

You ate some.

I ate, like, one-fiftieth. Geez. You're welcome.

Dad! Listen...

I will speak to the caterer. We'll figure it out right away.

I promise you.

See, this is what happens when you try to cut corners.

You can't have bottles like this.

That's cheesy. Extra cheese, man.

Okay.

Dear. Yes.

We don't mind pitching in for some regular bottles. Honestly.

No, no. No, Mom, it's okay.

Mr. Lustig just wanted to make sure there was enough booze for Robin, so...

Look, I can get you decanters so you don't have to look at these bottles.

That's actually a smart idea.

I mean, it's up to you guys, but...

Okay, that could work. Yeah?

I mean... That's wonderful. I...

We should start getting ready. Kenny!

We got parties... Why's your hair wet?

My hair's wet? Yeah. Why's it all wet?

What the hell is...

Why is this happening, pal? This room priority, yes?

I know. I know. But why's the rest of the hotel going to shit?

Sir?

They were supposed to shut off the water to the whole line of rooms, and didn't until now.

Oh, okay. Why would somebody forget to do that?

What the hell is so funny?

Nobody else is laughing.

Why are you laughing?

These sheets!

The honey! The stupid honey!

How'd you sleep? It's like...

This damn honey's everywhere, man! I'm trying to get this honey off!

You look good, buddy.

How come I got no water?

Turn the water on. Turn...

But if water... I need some water to wash this...

Turn the water on!

Turn it on! ...off my werewolf hands!

Go. On, please. Water! Help me!

Somebody help me! Please!

It's boiling! Cold water.

It's boiling hot! Cold water too.

What're you people trying to do to my hands?

Ah... Oh, thank you.

Okay. Praise God!

What're you doing? What's going on?

Turn the water back on! Why's it off?

What? What now?

The water... It can only be on a minute, or...

Or? Or what?

You know what?

That's it. We did your thing.

Your 99-cent wedding, and the booze bottles for giants, and the spoonin' with Uncle Stumpy.

Let me bail us outta this, okay?

I'm gonna get my assistant. She's gonna make some calls.

And we're gonna move the wedding to Manhattan.

You don't have to, pal. We're all set. I can make this work.

Buddy. Pal. It's not a competition.

You don't have to feel bad. I don't.

I don't feel bad because I know I can fix it.

Listen.

Every father looks forward to making a wedding for their little girl.

You understand?

I have been able to help my kids their entire lives.

I'll be able to figure this one out.

Honey, maybe the thing to figure out is to let Kirby pay for the wedding.

Some of it?

Maybe we don't have money because you spend it all on the Home Shopping crap!

That bottle keeps my coffee hot for 12 hours!

What do you save coffee for? Because I'm not a wasteful person!

Are they gonna get a divorce? They never do.

Talk to Marci Schiller at the W.

And you know what else?

Check out The Plaza, and see if they have a cancellation.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

No, there's gotta be a decent hotel I can book a ballroom in.

Mmm-hmm.

Saving the day with money.

Oh. Okay.

Maybe you wanna skip the rehearsal dinner that I paid for with my money, with the mini mac and cheese cups and the pulled pork dumplings.

That's right. East meets South.

You know, I got a little potato salad from Sylvia's coming in.

Maybe you want some of that.

Or you wanna just sit here and eat the white people potato salad?

I've never seen you do anything with...

Yeah, thought so.

Now get.

You're gonna kill me. I was wrong about honey.

It was supposed to be mayonnaise.

Good news is, I got some Bactine. Hey, hey!

Just let it soak in.

You're spraying the phone. It relieves pain on contact.

What's up with the ballroom?

Oh, I thought we talked about this, pal. You don't gotta do what you're doing.

I can handle it. Don't book anything. Listen to me.

Think of it as... You gotta trust me. Gotta trust me.

Hang the phone up. It's the truth. It's just a backup.

I... I can handle it. Okay.

I can handle it. Watch the hands.

I don't wanna hurt the hands. Let go of it. Let go.

Hello? Dr. Cortice, I got The Plaza.

No, that's all good. We can cancel that.

Sorry? Cancel it? Okay.

Thanks for all your help.

Sorry, pal. Had to.

I don't sound like that.

I... You do a little.

All right. All right. Who?

What're you doing? Who you talking to?

Some guy from the mayor's office. He wants to see Seymour.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Seymour. Seymour, wake up.

Hey, bud, wake up.

Hi. Hi. Hi, how are you?

Come on.

Yeah, there.

Seymour! You gotta wake up!

They want us there at three o'clock.

Okay, how's this? If you act nice, we'll take you to the bachelor party.

Yeah! Yeah!

There he is.

It's an honor, sir.

Tits. Thank you.

And you're...

A friend. I just came to get out of the house.

Okay, great. If you'll follow me.

We just need to go into the next room, where you'll meet the mayor.

Welcome, Private.

How you doing there?

All right, come with me.

It is a real honor to have this Long Island-born heroic veteran from World War II, Private Seymour Lustig, back here in West Hempstead, Long Island, to be honored at City Hall.

And we hope you'll be back many more times, Private.

Now I'll be happy to answer any of your questions.

Mr. Mayor, are you gonna have your office release your ledgers and payroll records, as required by the Board of Supervisors?

Please. We have a war hero here, all right?

No time for these types of questions. If you have nothing to hide...

You know, I am really disappointed in you guys bringing up this garbage when we're honoring a great man.

The mayor has been great to Private Lustig.

He's even honoring him this weekend, as well.

Yeah, we're gonna have a little... Yeah, we're having a dinner.

We're having a dinner.

Incredibly generous of the mayor.

Um... Listen. I've always been a great supporter of our military.

This was... Right here.

Saturday night.

Uh, Uncle Seymour is just so overwhelmed by the mayor's kindness. It's...

That means he's touched.

I hope that was okay, Mr. Mayor.

I... I just saw the wolves moving in. I figured I had to say something.

Well, I appreciate it.

You don't have to do any of that stuff I was mentioning.

No, no, it's a good idea.

I mean, you said it, so I gotta do it, right?

We are having a party for Uncle Seymour on Saturday night already, so...

That's fine. You'll have it here. How many people you expecting?

Oh... About... 180.

Hmm.

That's fine. Uh...

I just fired a teacher. I have a little wiggle room in the budget.

Uh, we'll get some photographers and have a party.

I mean, look at that. Look at that.

Okay.

Yeah.

No need for photographers. No need for food.

We get it all included.

So, we don't need a magician?

No! I mean, I still think that would've been good, but no, you don't need that.

God! I'm so relieved! Good, all right.

I mean, I knew you'd come through, Dad. I did.

I love you. I love you. When do we get going?

What time's the bachelor party?

Oh! You coming to the bachelor party, Seymour?

Kenny, darling, why don't you take Isaac with you?

Take him to the bachelor... Because he's 11 years old, Ma.

Just so things don't get too crazy.

Where am I going?

I actually... I'm not sure how to get there.

I printed the directions.

Oh. Thank you.

Seymour. Seymour's got it.

Hey.

Hey! What's going on, fellas?

Isaac's here?

Yeah, yeah.

Couldn't let my son be happy for one more day?

What's up, Dad?

Hey, Dr. Cortice, how are you?

Kenny. Hi. Hi.

How're you doing, fellas? Look at you.

That was very creative, fellas.

Whose idea was... Tyler, when do we get to jump?

We don't jump. We just watch.

Noah, is the music bothering you?

Why don't you listen to that ocean waves sound on your iPod?

I said I shouldn't be here. This is not fun for me.

Yes, and people said, "Don't come."

I don't wanna be that guy who can't come! Oh, boy.

He's right on the edge. No triggers.

Guy? Can you shut off the music, please?

Yeah, now. Shut it off.

It's okay. You can keep dancing.


These gummies are hilarious.

I know. It's really hard to find ones with little gummy scrotes! Oh, wait.

Morgan, have you tried the Dickorice yet?

I'm already in the middle of this Jell-O shot.

Oh. You're gonna love it. It has a very accurate aftertaste.

Okay, Sarah?

My sweet princess.

No!

Oh, yes!

Robin, this is so...

Corny?

Oh, is that funny to you, huh?

Guys, I think she's drunk.

And she's had one drink.

Danielle never drinks.

Are you okay, cutie?

Maybe she just needs to calm herself down, 'cause we've got a lot to get through.

We haven't even gotten to the tipstick yet.

It was the right thing to send Noah home.

For his safety.

The Uber came in four minutes. It was meant to be.

Whoo!

Ignacio!

Hey, ladies, who wants some of this triple bypass money?

Come on. Let's do it now. Okay.

Oh!

Yeah! That is not cool.

Not cool at all. Yeah!

World War II! World War Two!

World War II! World War II!

Drink! Drink!

Drink! Yeah!

I love you, man!

Seriously! Thank you for your service!

I wanna go there!

He wants the titties.

Yeah!

One!

Two!

Incoming!

Seymour?

Seymour?

Where is he?

Everybody, get over here!

Get over here! Jump in! Come on!

Hey, Marvin, dig right there. Dig there.

You two over there. Come on. Hurry. Hurry.

There's a man with no legs down there.

Come on, Tyler.

Kenny, we need your help. Jump in. I'll call you back.

We can't find Seymour. He's in there somewhere.

What do you mean, he's in there? Who let him in?

Where is he? Where is he?

I think I feel something.

There! There he is! Seymour.

Pull it! Pull it off!

He can barely breathe!

All right! We gotta get him out!

Dr. Cortice! Where are you?

What's going on?

Something happen?

All right. Before we go...

Does he have any preexisting condition we need to know about?

What would you need to know about?

Well, we need to know what medications he's taking or can't take.

Does he have a preexisting condition?

He...

Diabetes.

Oh, okay. So, the legs... Ah...

That shit's not from the war?

That old fool lost his legs to sugar?

That's cheating!

You guys, stay in here.

It's probably the neighbors about the penis-whistling.

What're you doing here? Is the bachelor party over?

Yeah. Someone had a stroke and the strippers got mad. Where's Sarah?

You listen to me.

You are to go nowhere near my best friend. That is history.

Oh, my God, it's a stripper!

I'm sorry?

She's a little out of it.

You're an adult.

You should've learned how to drink eight years ago, when you were 15.

Hey, do you want to have sex?

I mean, go back to your place?

I mean, do you?

Wait. Is that Jared? Yep.

Got him off your back for you.

Uh, maybe we should hold off.

Because you're drunk, not because my dad's waiting for me in the car out front to take me home.

So, how's he reacting to the cortisone?

His vitals are stable right now, but between his age, the stress of being under foam, and, of course, the diabetes...

it doesn't look promising.

His face looks very red.

My understanding, from the EMTs, is that the redness is from the punch bowl.

That's all fruit punch?

Yes. I tasted it.

Guys, I'm so sorry.

I feel responsible. Stop this right now.

This was gonna happen to this man, whether he was thrown into a foam pit with strippers or home alone, watching Wheel of Fortune.

He had a preexisting condition. It had nothing to do with you.

All right.

All right? Yeah. Thanks, Kenny.

Thanks, man.

Charles.

I think you should have some time alone with Seymour.

I've been alone with him for years.

Yes, but you might wanna share with him right now.

It's healthy for both of you.

Closure.

You don't wanna leave anything unsaid.

Really?

Don't hold back now. You'll regret it.

Leave nothing unsaid.

I'm sorry. Very.

I used to whack off into our vacuum cleaner... thinking about Magdalena, our housekeeper.

And then Mom... replaced the vacuum with one of those Dysons that doesn't have a hose.

And I felt lost.

But fortunately, I figured out, one time after breakfast, that if you fill a Ziploc bag full of Bisquick and warm water, and then make a tube...

He's been in there for an hour.

I guess he's got a lot on his mind.

Thank you.

Whatever happens, I feel like a weight's been lifted.

I'm gonna grab a smoke.

Here is a man who taught us that you can walk with God, even without legs.

The navi Shmuel, in the eponymous Book of Samuel, tells the painful story of Mephibosheth, the son of Jonathan, the grandson of King Saul, a man who was loyal to King David through thick and thin.

Mephibosheth, the prophet tells us, was lame, and lived at the mercy of those around him.

He was manipulated, mocked... What's with the strip?

That a Jewish thing?

I use it to keep me from snoring. I don't wanna be rude.

Seymour Lustig was loyal through and through.


The time I was able to spend with Private Seymour Lustig was brief.

But the lessons I learned will last a lifetime.

Private Lustig was not a man of many words, but he did tell me that he loved West Hempstead, and even said that I had done a great job.

You did great up there.

Ah, thanks. Yeah.

Sorry about your loss.

Thank you. I guess I'll see you tomorrow night.

No, no, no. That's not happening.

What's that?

Why would we have a tribute dinner if he's not gonna be there?

Well, I figured a nice kinda posthumous kinda thing.

The funeral was a posthumous kind of thing, no?

Yeah, but I thought you already promised us the dinner, so...

I know about the diabetes, okay?

All right?

I think we're done here.

Now, let's put him in the hearse.

Oh. Got to keep it level, man. Morons.

Hey. How's everybody doing?

Good, Dad.

Right. Let's get in the car. Come on.

You didn't have your guys fix the ballroom leak yet?

Well, we're back on, so get 'em on it.

Please stop giggling.

Kenny, are you ready?

Come on! The rehearsal dinner's at 8:00!

I know! I'm going downstairs already!

Do his tie! All right!

Wow, Dad!

What? What happened?

I think I've seen you in a suit three times: my bat mitzvah, my high school graduation, and when you took us to the city to see Phantom.

Yeah.

All three times I wore this suit, by the way.

It still looks great.

You're making it all happen, Dad.

Yeah. Dad! Dad!

I think I did my tie good.

Yeah. Hey, it looks fantastic.

It's... Let me just touch it up. Okay.

Okay. You knotted it up good.

Wow, Dr. Cortice.

So handsome.

Everyone's so excited for tonight. Come on.

It's not City Hall, but we'll have some fun.

Okay, okay.

Over here. Okay.

Hey, what's wrong?

Hey. Nothing, pally.

You look like you found out Sears went out of business.

No, no, no.

Did tomorrow blow up?

Yeah. Yeah, but it's okay.

So, your family's good with it?

I can't... I haven't had the heart to tell them.

Look, why don't you just let me pay for City Hall, and nobody has to find out.

Yeah. Please don't ask again.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.

You'll figure it out. Thank you.

Tonight, it's just immediate family. It's not that big a deal.

Thanks.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'll say hi to the driver. That's what I'm gonna do.

Wait, wait. Which one's the driver?

I figured if they had to drive themselves, they might get lost.

Yeah, the Hamptons are hard to find. That makes sense.

You got two of 'em, huh?

Yeah, they gave me two for the price of two.

That's funny. That's funny.

Dad, this place is like a dream.

Oh, yeah. It's very understated, just like Sarah's taste.

They've got croissants in a jar and...

This place is amazing. Who lives here?

Thank you. It's a well-known celebrity.

Do you know Psy? He recorded that song "Gangnam Style."

You know Psy?

Well, actually, I did his father's heart.

He lends his art to museums.

Of course he does. Amazing.

Psy has beautiful taste, doesn't he, Mom?

Oh. Oh, yeah, wonderful taste. Mmm-hmm.

You know, when you bite your thumb, you're supposed to stop.

How's school?

Dad, I took a year off to travel abroad.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.

Did you try the pork dumplings?

They're so good.

No, because I'm a vegetarian. I've been a vegetarian for two years.

Oh, I thought that was slang for something.

No, Dad, I'm not a lesbian. I keep telling you.

You're not?

Hello, everybody.

This has been such a gratifying night, to see all of you enjoying yourselves so much... Thank you.

...after all our planning.

And to Sarah, we can't wait to have you in our family.

Thank you.

I can't wait to spoil my first grandchild.

May I add here that we are especially excited for a Jewish grandchild.

As you know, Drake is black and Jewish, and he's our favorite artist to make love to.

Okay.

Okay, Kirby.

Speech from the father!

Oh! didn't know I was supposed to speak.

I'll do one if he doesn't.

No, no, that's okay, kid.

Uh... Well, what can I say?

First, I wanna salute my ex-wife, Katrina.

It's a great speech, and her boyfriend, Pistachio.

So, we're here to talk about my son, who, uh... You know...

I wasn't there when he was born, but I was on my way.

And when I got there, I was excited to meet him.

I never hit my children.

That's one of the good things about not being there.

I never beat their mother.

She beat me a couple of times. We called the cops.

You know what? Let's forget 2008, okay?

Not even gonna bring it up now.

Should've let me go.


What the hell are you doing?

Check it out. I snuck some video at the bachelor party.

You're looking at strippers?

Your father just died today.

Hey, it's after midnight, okay? That was yesterday.

Well...

Listen, I need your help. I...

The mayor backed outta the City Hall.

Politicians.

You know they're lying 'cause their lips are moving.

I still haven't told anybody yet. Well, don't.

Here's what you say.

The mayor said something racist to you, and you had to pull the plug.

People love that.

How?

How do you even prove that?

Fine. How about bats?

What?

You know, you say you can't do the wedding there because there's bats in City Hall.

You know, an infestation.

There's bats all around!

They're in the underpass at the train station.

All we need is nets. All right? We get them into City Hall, and they have to close it down. Done.

What are we getting in City Hall? Bats.

No... Stop it!

What are you doing up? I'm always up. Bats?

No, I don't know what he's talking about.

Okay, listen. The mayor killed the wedding.

Just... Just 'cause of the lying?

I don't know how to tell anybody. I'm sick to my stomach right now.

So we have to sabotage City Hall!

Fireplace. Remember? There's a fireplace in the mayor's office.

We just get bats down the chimney, and we're in. That's it.

Come on. There's only a few hours left of darkness.

What? You and me are gonna go catch a bunch of bats?

And me. I'll help.

Yeah, but they are fast. We'll need a bunch of people.


Are you sure we don't need the other guys for this?

Ah, it's only two floors. I can scale it myself.

One... two... three!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh! They're freaking out.

Ah, come on! Calm down.

Give me the Kahlua.

The what?

It's still in the trunk. Come on. Hurry.

You all right?

Just hold it steady. Careful, careful.

Hold... Hold my... I got it!

All right, bag!

Bag! Bag! Give it to him! Get it! Go!

All right. Go.

Go! Yes!

Good, good. Yes!

Go, go.

Okay.

Oh!

Ah!


What're you doing?

Gotta give it a minute.

The bats need to know that they can't fly out.

All right, I think we're good.

What the heck?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Get your clothes! I got it!

Clear!

Let's go.

Call 911.

Go! No 911! Can't do that. Let's just go.

All right, done!

Might wanna throw away that bag, though. Those morons pooped in it.

Police and animal control are working to remove several dozen bats that authorities say were discovered this morning inside West Hempstead City Hall.

What the hell? Kenny, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. That was crazy.

You can get all kinds of rabies from those assholes.

Are people even gonna wanna go in there now?

Honey, I'm sure if you want it there, most people will go, if... If we're allowed.

Right? I don't know. I don't know.

Well, don't put this all on yourself, sweetheart.

Come on, everybody. Come in here. Gather 'round.

Maybe we should take a poll to see where everyone's heads are at right now.

Would you rather we bring the wedding back to the hotel, where the big leak is, or City Hall, with the bats?

Who... Who would rather have the bats?

I'm pretty sure the bats are not gonna be good for Noah.

Pablo, thank you.

The mayor expressed deep dismay, saying he just heard about this right now, and was far away from City Hall when it happened, still mourning the passing of local war hero Seymour Lustig.

He said City Hall has been evacuated, and will not be reopened until every bat and every last pellet of bat feces has been found and disposed of.

Ay-ay-ay.

Well, I guess we'll have to re-book the hotel if it's still available.

My wedding is today, Mom.

Sweetheart, I will get that done for you. I promise you.

Aw, Daddy will fix it.

What can you do? It happens. Bats.


Powerful shit.

Powerful, meaningful shit.

Whoop! There it is! Ah!

Under the rabbinical authority of the West Hempstead Synagogue, I pronounce you husband and wife.

Argh!

No! No!

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. No!

What you're feeling is scary, but not dangerous.

You may kiss.

Yes.

I just broke my heel.

Yeah.

She broke her shoe.

She broke her shoe. Stop. That's not your job anymore.

Just let him be the husband. Yeah, I know.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


Ladies and gentlemen, believers and skeptics, feast your eyes on the wonder that is... the wedding party.


Oh, ooh!

We got us a ghetto wedding.

Yeah. Good pick.


You... You're not enjoying this, are you?

No, no, I'm good.

You don't look good.

I mean, me? I got a reason to be miserable.

I barely know my own family.

That's not true. They love you.

They gotta love me. I... I write the checks.

You? Your wife loves you.

Your kids love you.

My kids love you. Shit! My... My whole family loves you.

Pally, why do you think...

Oh, oh, guys, we're... We're talking. Can you please just lift us back up?

Why do you think they give you grief, your kids? Because they love you!

It's different. You were there when they needed you.

I was chasing ass.

Now, where... Where did all this ass come from?

I was a young black surgeon in LA.

It was like I was Dr. Denzel for 30 years.

Okay. Okay, guys, guys. I said we were still talking. Hold up.

Please. Come on, pally.

Still plenty of time to make it up to them.

Plenty of time?

I don't know about you, but this kinda seems like the final act to me.

No, no, no. This is just the start of the next phase.

Yeah, right! You look real psyched about this next phase.

What, I'm not psyched?

Come on! Hey! Whoa, whoa!

You kiddin' me? The man's talkin', here!

I can't hold it anymore. Talk down here.

It's a private conversation. Come on, 30 more seconds.

I'm not psyched?

You know what, pal?

If I had dedicated my whole life to my kids the way you did, I'd be scared to face tomorrow, too.

Dad.

Dad, get the hell down! Uncle Mark's gonna collapse!

What's that? Damn it.

Save the veil!

There's sprinklers.

Where is the...

Are you okay, babe? Yeah. Where's Sarah?

Dad! Daddy, are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine. I need to talk to you.

I need to... Come here. I'll be, uh...

Gimme a minute. Just, everyone go.

I love you. I know. Let's just get out of here.

I love you. I'm sorry.

Dad. I know how hard you worked.

I had to pay for it. You did everything you could.

I know. No.

I... I should've let Tyler's dad help pay, instead of being a big shot.

I... I had to make the whole thing about me.

Instead of, uh...

...just the wedding. I just...

I didn't wanna have to think about...

About what, Dad?

About...

This is the last thing I'm ever gonna get to do for you.

I'm losin' you.

Dad, you're not.

Yeah, no, I am. I am. It's okay. It's how it works. It's a crappy system.

But he's such a good kid.

He's the best, and I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry to both of you guys. You deserve better than what I gave you.

I love you so much. Thank you.

Thank you for saying that.

You'll never lose me. And I'll take you over any fancy place.

Come on, you guys. We gotta get going.

What? All right, where's the fire exit?

No, we gotta take the wedding pictures.

Are you insane? No, they found a room without a fire.

Sir, we'll get it done quickly.

Can you guys get it together?

Okay, yeah, absolutely.

I'm sorry, uh...

Just give me one more try.

I don't think I've ever seen Dad cry before.

Mike Piazza's retirement.

Come on, guys. We'll put it here. Where's it go?

Take 'er down. Take it. Take it. There.

All right, come on. You wanna turn. Yup. We got the brakes. This way!

I got three plates. Here we go! Here we go!

Hey, come on. Get some of this.

Hey, how's it goin'? Lookin' good. Lookin' good.

Hey, look who made it, man! You made it!

Just roll with it.

Hey, what's up? All right, good to see you, man.

Thanks for having us.

Sir, I see you really love your queens.

Big laugh.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, the time is nigh.

Watch and marvel as the bride and groom partake in their first dance.

Sarah, 23 years ago, your great-grandmother, Yetta, recorded this just for this night, knowing she would most certainly be dead.

Cue video.

This is for my little Sarah. May you have a blessed marriage.

That's... That's the woman in the painting I said looks like you.

No. I don't know what you're talking about.


And now, moms and dads, join us in this wondrous ritual.


That's a good boy you raised there. You helped.

You did about eighty percent.

Eighty-five.

You're a good woman. Thank you.

And I love taking care of you.

And I love taking care of Ignacio.

He's like a foreign kid I get to sponsor.

Hey, Ignacio, come and take your queen.

I'm gonna find my princess.


Did I tell you I love you this week? Because I do.

Uh, you might've said it a couple times.

Ah, less than usual. That's... That's not right.

Are you happy? Or just drunk?

Ah! Both. I don't know. This is just perfect.

Oh, and the drizzled peanut brittle was incredible.

Oh. You're not just saying that? Oh.

Mmm. Totally worth the salmonella.

And now, join us as we welcome in that most tender of traditions, the father-daughter dance.

We never picked a song. I... I...

I've got you.

You went with Billy Joel, even though I was a...

Yeah, even when...

Very good.

You weren't making fun of Billy Joel there, were you?

No, Dad, just you.

Ah. That's okay. Yeah.


I'm sorry. I guess I miss my dad. Mmm-hmm.

You used to grope your dad's ass?

You're sick.


You're not at the party.

You're not drunk. I'm not drunk.

I'm just staying here with my parents till I find a place that I like.

Uh-huh. Where's your room? Upstairs.

Give me, like, 30 seconds to clean up, and then I'll, uh...


What's up? Everybody went to bed? Hey.

Yeah, at 5:00 in the morning.

Okay, so... What time do you think they're getting up?

I mean, we only need four for Parcheesi.

I think they're probably sleeping for the rest of the day.

Yeah, but come on.

When are we gonna ever have the family together like this?

I don't know. Thanksgiving?

You're right. But this time we're gonna do it at my house in St. Lucia.

St. Lucia? Whoa.

I mean, that is an amazing offer.

If we're doing that, I better look into flights now.

No, pally, I got it all.

It's all me. I got everything. No, listen...

If I book this far in advance, I can get a decent price.

I'm gonna get us a jet.

A... Well, if you're doing that, you gotta at least let me split the cost of the fuel.

You don't want that. Well, okay. Chinese food?

Can I bring Chinese food for the flight? Yes.

Can I at least do that? You can bring Chinese food.

I like... I like orange chicken.

You know, I hear if you buy it five months in advance, it's pretty cheap.

Uh... Oh, get out of here. Okay. Very good.

Very good.

I want grandkids.

Yeah, well, we can't rush 'em. You know?

It'll happen. No, no.

I... I wanna hold 'em and... And change their diapies and just squeeze 'em and sing silly kids' songs to 'em.

Siri! What's a kids' song?

"Wheels on the Bus" is a kids' song.

Did I... No.

You're singing "Old MacDonald."

Oh, sorry about that. Uh...

You've lost your mind. I'm going to sleep.

Good night... doublet.

DJ Khaled!