The Whole Nine Yards (2000) Script

I need money. Yes, it is a lovely morning, isn't it?

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping.

Only dentist I know who can't make money.

Oh, really? What about her father?

As a dentist, my husband was very successful.

It was just that other stuff. Yes, there's a word for that.

It's called embezzlement.

Speaking of which, how much do you need, dear?

Five should probably do it. Thousand? For what?

You know what? Your father would be proud.

I'll... see what I can do. In the meantime, you ladies have a lovely day.

I would... if you'd do me a favour and die!


Life is driving you to drink You sit around wondering just what to think Well, I got some consolation I'll give it to you if I might

You know, I don't worry 'bout a thing Cos I know nothing's gonna be all right

You know, this world is just one big trouble spot Cos some have plenty and some have not You know, I used to be troubled But I finally saw the light

Now I don't worry 'bout a thing Cos I know nothing's going to be all right

Don't waste your time trying to be a go-getter Things'll get worse before they get any better You know, there's always somebody Playin' with dynamite

But I don't worry 'bout a thing Cos I know nothing's going to be all right

Excuse me. Are you threatening me?

I didn't think so. Look, I changed my mind, OK?

Yes, I'll get you your money back.

Oui, oui madame DuPré. Mardi à trois heures.

Oui. A bientôt.

Morning, Doctor.

OK. Good news, Monsieur Boulez.

We're not gonna pull the tooth. All we have to do is drill.

Ecoutez-moi, docteur. No drill.

No drill? No drill.

I hate the drill. So you just gas me, pull the tooth out and we'll still be friends. OK?

Good!

I just want a hamburger and fries. I'm gonna have a hamburger with no mayonnaise this time. No?

No mayonnaise. Not at all. OK?

She's gonna put mayonnaise on it. Do you mind if I say something?

Leave the bitch.

Excuse me? Your wife. Leave her.

Find somebody else and just start over.

Jill... Oz, look. I know it's none of my business.

I know I've only been working for you for whatever three weeks.

But I'm just telling you what I see, mister. Your wife is not a good person.

You're expecting an argument? OK, so why torture yourself? Just divorce her!

I can't afford to. She'd take me to the cleaners. I'm already paying her father's debt.

So she's gonna ride it out till Daddy's debt gets paid. She's just charming isn't she?

She can't help it. Her mother...

What's a nice way of... her... it's...

Well, she's the Antichrist.

You know, you'd be doing the world a favour if you'd just have her whacked.

And you know somebody who would do this? Present company excluded?

Voilà. Merci.

Are we talking hypothetically or you want me to name a price?

You should talk to my wife. You'd make a fortune.

What makes you say that? Life insurance.

I'm worth more dead than alive.


Yeah, just, dining room. Take the plastic junk off of there.

Can you move any slower than this, fellas?

Hi! You must be our new neighbour. I'm Nicholas Oseransky. Call me Oz.

Jimmy. Hi.

Jimmy Jones.

Have we met before? No.

Are you sure? Yeah.

I'd remember. I got a thing with faces. You look familiar. Where are you from?

Mr Jones, where do you want this?

Order! Order!

Upstairs, back bedroom. What were you saying?

You all right? Yes.

You sure? Because you look... like you got some gas.

I-I-I had a hamburger for lunch.

They put mayonnaise on it? Yes.

Can you tell me why they do that?

Every red-blooded American knows the only condiment you ever supposed to put on a hamburger is ketchup!

Or maybe some of that special sauce you like so much here in Canada!

Which I think has mayonnaise in it too!

But when they slap that mayonnaise on there, I could kill somebody!

I really, really didn't wanna upset you.

Who's upset? I'm just having a conversation here.

I'm gonna go home. OK.

Feel better. Thank you.

Oz! Yes!

Thanks for stopping by... welcoming me to the neighbourhood.

OK.

Pack up! Pack up! We're leaving.

Jesus!

Jesus! I just bumped into our new next-door neighbour.

Do you have any idea who that is? I suppose you're going to tell me.

That's Jimmy the Tulip Tudeski.

And that means something? He was a hit man for the Gogolak gang!

The Gogolak gang! The Hungarian gang back in Chicago that ran the North Side?

And that guy over there, Jimmy was Lazlo Gogolak's key enforcer!

Sexy! Sophie, the man's killed 17 people.

Why the stupid name? The Tulip?

That's his flower of choice. It's what he sent to his victims' funerals.

I wonder what he's doing here? Hiding out, most likely.

You see, he ratted out Lazlo Gogolak. Now Lazlo's spending the rest of his life in prison.

Jimmy only got five years. Dave told me he refused witness protection.

Protection from? I'm sure Lazlo's son Janni wants to put one of those... you know, a price on his head.

You mean a... a contract?

A mob contract?


Feelin' better? Yes, thank you.

Let's go for a drive. A drive?

Yeah, a drive. Well...

I don't know anyone else in town.

I figure we could go for a drive. Show me the sights, you know?

It won't kill you. Promise?

So I take it you're not Canadian? Only by marriage.

Where are you from? Chicago.

Not Chicago... Chicago.

I was born there but... I don't really know anything about Chicago any more.

OK.

Yeah! Totally oblivious to anything even related to Chicago.

I'm from Jersey. New Jersey?

Yeah. New Jersey.

If you're from Jersey, you're from Jersey.

Jersey is another place I know absolutely nothing about.

You always this nervous? Yes.

Well, like virtually everything else that's wrong in my life, it all started with the little misses.

Back home, her father and I ran a dental practice together.

You're a dentist? 'Fraid so.

You suicidal? See, now, why would you say that?

I once read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Jimmy, I may hate my life but I certainly don't wanna die.

You better get used to it because you're going to.

I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna strangle you!

Everybody dies... sooner or later.

Tulip? No!

So you were sayin', your father-in-law...

Well, ironically, he was a suicide.

Stats don't lie. He got caught molesting a patient.

An underage patient. An underage male patient.

Please, stop! I know. So this kid starts to blackmail him.

And this is at the exact same time the IRS decides to investigate him for tax fraud.

So big Aaron needs money, and fast, so he goes to a loan shark, takes out a sizeable loan against our company, which I had no idea about, then proceeds... to hit Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno.

Loses all the money and sticks you with the bill. Am I right?

You are right. That's exactly right.

So, after the ensuing scandal and bankruptcy and embarrassment, my wife and her mother decided it would be best that we move back here.

You like livin' in Canada?

No, I... I live here with my wife.

You sure you're a dentist?

Yeah. Why? Cos I've never met a dentist I liked.

Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

Me too.

Hey.

It's been good. I'm glad we got to know each other.

You know what? Me too.

You can go now. Right.

Oz! Yes, dear.

Thank God you're home. Thank God I'm home?

I had an idea. I figured out a way we can pay off Daddy's debt.

You're getting a job! No!

No. Our neighbour. There's a price on his head?

That's your plan? You gotta murder our neighbour?

Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to Chicago to find out who it is who's offering this price on his head.

Jimmy Tudeski's head! Then you tell them you know where he is... after you negotiate a finder's fee. A finder's fee on a murder contract?

Is there a problem? It would make me a party to... a murder.

But he's a killer. You said so yourself. That's another good reason not to do it.

OK? And whatever he's done, he's been to prison. He's paid his debt to society.

Well, now he can pay our debt, too.

Look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I spent some time with the guy today and he's... pretty nice, you know?

Besides, he hasn't done anything to me.

He came on to me. What?

He came on to me! That animal - he made a pass at me!

When?

Earlier. This morning. Before you came home.

He said you guys haven't even met.

Who do you believe? A killer or your wife? Do I have to answer that?

Nicholas! OK, OK!

Let's say... that he did make a pass at you.

The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

You pig! You disgust me!

There's a known killer living right next door who might slaughter us in our sleep and you won't lift a finger!

That's right. I'm not gonna lift a finger, because this is crazy.

You do this for me... and I give you your divorce.

And if you don't do this for me, I swear, I'll make your life so damned miserable it'll make these past few years seem like a pleasure cruise.

I already booked your flight. You leave tomorrow at 9am.

You better start packing.

OK, well, when are you coming back? I have to reschedule all your appointments.

It shouldn't be more than a couple of days. Are you going alone?

Yes.

Good. Can you do me a huge favour while you're there? Go out and get laid!

Jill! Call me the second you get back.

Better yet, call me right after. Call me during. I want all the details.

All right, now don't expect too much. I'm not even sure I'll be able to make contact with this people.

It's not as if the Gogolaks have a 1800 number or anything.

I know you'll do what you can.

What is this?

Good luck, my darling.

And hurry home.

Do they have vomit bags on the flight?


You're Jimmy Tudeski, aren't you? Jimmy the Tulip?

Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me, sexy.

But... you will never believe what my darling husband is up to.

You're back in Chicago? Great!

Tell you what. Meet me at Ekins Oyster Bar in 45 minutes.

Dave, you got nothin' to worry about. How can I not worry?

You tell me you're back to Chicago to rat Jimmy Tudeski out to Janni Gogolak...

But I'm not going to rat him out. Do you think I'm suicidal?

Well, you are a dentist.

Look, I have no intention of ratting anybody out.

The only reason I'm here is because I want Sophie off my back. You wanna know the truth?

Alright look. I've got a deadline. I'll come by your hotel room as soon as I'm finished.

At the mean time, promise you won't do anything stupid. Why would you even say that?

You married Sophie, didn't you?

So I'll get the check, then?

I'm sorry. I must have the wrong... What room you lookin' for?

519. You're in the right place.

You Nicholas Oseransky?

Who are you? We understand you have information regarding the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip.

Who told you that? Dave? Who's Dave?

What... What did he tell you? Forget about Dave.

For our immediate purposes, there is no Dave. Dave does not exist.

So... just answer my question. Do you or don't you?

Have information regarding the whereabouts of Jimmy the Tulip?

I don't know what you're talking about, man. Really?

Then I must have been misinformed.

I apologise. It's OK.

Now... let's try this again.

We understand you have information... Who told you that?

Why do you wanna go cluttering your mind with the inconsequential?

What's important is we know that you know where Jimmy Tudeski is.

Look, I really have no i...

Aren't you gonna cry out for help? Would it do any good?

No.

Who are you? Franklin Figueroa.

Aka Frankie Figs. I work for Janni Gogolak.

Oh, my God.

So... where's Jimmy?

Look, I sw...

My brother, believe me. You don't wanna dance with me all night.

And for a scumbag like Jimmy T? Save yourself the pain.

Look, I really have no idea...

I may know where he is.

Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

OK. Do you mind if I piss a little blood first?

Please, by all means. Thanks.


My father... is a great man.

A man of "wision" and...

character.

A man who stood up for his beliefs.

Unlike that rat fuck piece of shit... Tudeski.

Can you...

ask Cynthia to join us, please?

You want a drink? Oh, no, thanks.

Have a drink. I'll have a Scotch and soda, please.

I want you to understand.

Frankie explained to me you're having a problem with your conscience.

Yes, it's just that none of this was my idea. Do you think it was mine? No.

If I had my way, my father... would still be running things and I'd be somewhere like...

I dunno.

Aruba.

Actually, Aruba's not that nice.

Excuse me? You may like it.

See, I honeymooned there and that's probably why I didn't like it.

The thing you gotta remember is, when we're talkin' about Jimmy Tudeski, we're not talkin' about a human being.

We're talkin' about a rodent.

We're talking about...

"wermin".

Where was I? "Wermin". I think "wermin".

We're talkin' about someone... Screw that!

Some thing that doesn't deserve to be breathing... the air.

Janni, talkin' about yourself again?

Mr Oseransky, this is Cynthia.

Jimmy's wife.

Cynthia, it seems that Mr... Doctor.

Excuse me? Dr Oseransky. He's a dentist.

Whatever.

It seems that our dentist friend here knows where Jimmy is. - Oh?

Come to collect on the contract? No.

Janni, just so you know, since I'm the one that found this guy... I want it.

The contract's mine. As long as I'm in on the kill.

So long as I get full price. I wanna see that spineless rat beg.

Money doesn't matter. Well, now I've heard everything!

Don't you believe it. This one? Kill you for a quarter.

Mr Oseransky.

Frankie will accompany you back to Canada.

You will lead him to the man you believe is Jimmy Tudeski.

But, sir... Frankie, you'll let me know?

All right, then.

Mr... Mr Gogolak?

My wife would make my life even more miserable than it already is if I didn't at least ask.

Is there gonna be any kind of finder's fee for this?

Finder's fee?

I tell you what. Tell your wife we'll work somethin' out.

Cynthia, don't rush off. We should chat a little.

I'll call you in the morning. We'll leave first thing.

Doctor. You're not gonna do anything stupid like try leaving me in the lurch, are you?

No.

Who did you talk to? What are you talking about?

You know a guy name Frankie Figs? I know of him.

Yeah, well, when I came back from lunch, he was sitting in my room!

Frankie Figs was in your room?! Yes! And somehow he knew all about... my knowing where Jimmy the Tulip is! And what did he do?

After he played congas on my kidneys for a while, he took me to see Janni Gogolak.

Oz, tell me you're kidding me. Who did you tell? I wanna know exactly who you told!

No one. I swear. Well, then, how...

What am I gonna do? I'll talk to you later. I gotta go.


This is Dr Oseransky in room 519.

I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch.

Yeah? It's me.

Oz! How ya doin'?

I don't know...I don't know what to do? I've done something terrible!

Oz, what could be so terrible? You've gotta get out of town, get out of Canada.

Just get the hell out. I'm in Chicago. Yeah. I heard about that.

Have you seen Janni yet?

How did you know that? Relax.

I know about the whole thing. OK? Don't worry.

But... I'll explain everything when you get back. OK?

In the meantime, why don't you have a good time while you're down there? Live it up.

We'll talk when you get back.

If you say so, Jim.


Are you gonna invite me in or do I go downstairs and tell Janni's guys you're being impolite?

Janni's guys are downstairs?

Yes. Come in.

I love man with manners.

Janni sent me to see if you were on the level. Janni's the trusting type.

So, do you or don't you? Do I or don't I...

Know where my wayward husband is?

Mrs Tudeski... Cynthia. The woman you're about to widow.

You don't understand. What's not to understand?

You want your 30 pieces of silver, right?

My only question is why didn't you just do the job yourself?

Why didn't I... - Why didn't you kill Jimmy and try to collect on the contract?

What's the matter? You didn't have the stomach for it?

Or is your problem a little further... south?

Have you vomited recently? A minute ago. I was gonna brush my teeth.

I'll wait. OK.

Mrs Tudeski... Cynthia, none of this was my idea.

You just happened to travel a thousand miles to rat Jimmy out to Janni.

No! See that's what I'm trying to say. Non of this was my idea. It was my wife's plan.

She wanted me to come to Chicago and rat Jimmy out.

Maybe it would be best if you just went back to Janni and said that I'm crazy.

That I've gone nuts. I'm chemically imbalanced, you know. I'm wacko.

Maybe that would be the best thing.

Because...

Just tell him I'm acting exactly the way I'm acting right now.

But you do know where Jimmy is, don't you?

Look, Mrs Tudeski, I don't want anybody to die.

And that is on the level.

What do you want? What do I want?

I just want this all to end.

I am so damned scared.

That's room service. Before I vomited, I ordered Scotch.

There you go. Thank you.

What would you say to a drink?

I'd say no ice, no water, in a tall glass.

What can I say? I was young. Jimmy was like no man I'd ever met before.

Yeah, well, he's the first killer I've known.

There was no one like him at my daddy's country club.

Lousy husband, though. Cheated on me constantly.

So why don't you just... Divorce him?

Jimmy doesn't believe in divorce. Thinks it's a sin.

I know. A hit man with morals. Go figure!

So now that he's out of prison... are you guys gonna get back together?

You mean assuming Frankie and Janni don't kill him first?

No.

Jimmy and I are over.

Even if I wanted to make another go of it, which I don't, there'd always be that other thing between us.

What other thing?

The fact that he wants to kill me. Why?

You're a sweet guy. Money.

Oh! Are you... Are you rich?

The money Lazlo Gogolak gave us as a wedding present.

Only it wasn't a wedding present. Lazlo was parking the money with us to hide it from the feds.

How much was it? Ten million dollars.

Helluva parking space. The only way anyone can get the money was if Jimmy and Janni and I all signed for it together.

If you didn't have all three signatures, you'd need two signatures... and a death certificate.

Or one signature and... Two death certificates.

That's why Jimmy wants to kill you, because... And Janni. Let's not forget about Janni.

Then he gets the money. All of it. The whole nine yards.

What if you just told him you didn't want the money?

I did tell him. I don't want a dime.

But he knows I don't wanna be married to him anymore and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

But murder, he's OK with? It's what he does.

Yeah well, if it was me, ten million wouldn't be enough.

So how much would it take for you to kill your wife?

I'm talking about you. Me, then. What would be your price?

That's what I'm saying. I think you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

And I cannot believe I am saying this out loud. I'm sure that's just the Scotch talking.

No, it's me.

I've spent the last seven years in my life just sitting and waiting for something to happen.

I didn't even know what it was... until you walked in that room at Janni Gogolak's house.

I'm sorry. I've embarrassed you. I should go.

No. Please.

You're a nice guy... but I've gotta go.

Let's go.

You know the night's still young. You boys in any rush to get back?

Did you mean what you said?

I've got till midnight.

In the meantime...

Promise me something. Anything.

You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

Neither have I.

I've been married.

It's almost time.

Again? What did you have, oysters for lunch?

Actually, I did.

Jimmy knows I'm here.

Here with me? Here in Chicago, talking with Janni.

How? How did he know that?

Because I told him. You what?

He already knew. How?

I'm guessing my darling wife.

Is she trying to get you killed? Apparently! That's all I can come up with.

But when I talked to Jimmy... he didn't sound upset.

No, he wouldn't. He'd be your best friend right up until the moment he...

He's gonna kill me, isn't he?

And then, when he's done with that, he's gonna come after you.

Well I'm not gonna let that happen. I'm not gonna let Jimmy kill you.

I'm gonna take Frankie to Canada and lead him to Jimmy.

So Frankie can kill him. - Believe me if there is any other way, but better Jimmy than you. Right?

Oz, don't you get it? Either way, I'm dead.

Why? W-Why? As soon as Jimmy's dead, why would Janni wanna keep me alive?

He'd wanna kill me too... So he can collect on the whole ten million dollars.

Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

I swear I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

Under the circumstances, I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Thanks.


You what? You told Jimmy?

What the hell did you do that for?

I felt bad. I like him. I liked him.

So you don't like him no more? - It's a little hard to maintain a friendship with somebody who wants to kill you.

If you sold my ass out to Janni then told me about it, I'd wanna ice your ass too.

I know.

You know, I can close that gap for you. Really?

Yeah, you'd be in and out. You're kiddin'? This thing right here?

So, did you do it? Did you do what I told you to do?

No, no. I'm not gonna answer that! So you did?!

I can tell. You had sex! Full-size car, please!

Who is she? Come on, I wanna hear all about it! I gotta go.

Any emergencies, I've got my beeper on. OK, fine. Be that way.

By the way, the hell bitch called. She and her mom went to Niagara Falls for a couple of days.

Probably workin' on her alibi. I gotta go.

Why don't you drive back to the hotel with me?

Unless, of course, you'd rather go home in broad daylight with Jimmy right next door?

Yeah, I'll go with you.


Frankie Figs.

Jimmy T.

What's goin' on, man? What's up, baby?

So, Frankie! Welcome to Montreal.

What's up, partner? You're looking good!

Oz, you look worried. Doesn't he look worried, Frankie? He does, man.

Why don't you relax? Come on! Frankie told me what a stand-up guy you've been.

Now change your pants. We're goin' out.


I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries, but I'm gonna send this burger back.

If you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over your house, chop your legs off, set your house on fire, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps outta your house. OK?

Pierre?

I'm fine.

You're fine?

Let me tell you somethin', Oz. You are not fine. You know your wife wants you dead?

That much I've figured out.

I just thought you should know. Because I'm not the first one she came to on this.

The first... Hitter.

There were others? At least one.

Apparently, that fell through so she came to me.

What did you tell her?

You mean did I... take the contract?

No. I didn't take the contract.

How much did she offer you? Ten grand.

No wonder you turned her down!

But you did turn her down? Even though I went to Janni?

You didn't go to Janni. Jimmy sent me to come to you.

I know that Frankie can be very persuasive.

By the way, how's your urination? Fine, thank you.

So why did you want me to go see Janni?

So you could tell him where I was. So he can come back up here and you could kill him?

Exacto! By the way... I'd be happy to do your wife for you.

Do my wife? Tap her.

Tap her? - Whack her. Whack her?

Oh! Oh, see, I thought you meant...

Cos she told me that you... you know, hit on her.

That's funny.

Why is that funny?

Actually, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but... the truth is, your wife came on to me.

And? Oz... we're friends.

Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

Besides... I don't find your wife particularly that attractive.

You just got out of prison. Yeah.

You've been in prison for five years and you don't find my wife attractive?

She's not a good person.

You've killed 17 people... and you don't think my wife is a good person?

It's not important how many people I've killed.

What's important... is how I get along with the people that are still alive.

You gonna finish this? Just take it.


I think we've given it long enough.

Give Janni a call. The sooner he gets here, the better.

So after you kill Janni, are you gonna go back to Chicago?

No. I've done with Chicago.

What about your wife? Are you gonna get back together with her?

You're gonna kill her too? For a helluva lot more than 10,000 dollars!

Well, you can't do that! Why not?

Because she's your wife!

Jimmy, you were right about him. He's an exceedingly sweet man.

Wife like he got and still he believes in weddin' vows!

So do I. Especially "Till death do us part."

It's my beeper. I gotta go to the office.

Well, wedding vows or not...

I'd watch my back.

I'd say your wife's still shoppin' for a hitter.

Good luck.


You know what? On second thought, I think we're gonna have to pull the tooth.

Oz! What is it? What's the matter?

Oh, no! Oz, no! I'll take that!

Oz!

I am your friend. Talk to me. I have to talk to somebody because I'm gonna do something... Take your time.

That's good.

Well first of all, I just found out that my wife is trying to have me killed.

Who told you? A friend.

Anyone I know? He's my next-door neighbour.

And here's the funny part. He's a hit man too!

Really? What's his name? Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.

Jimmy the Tulip?

Jimmy the Tulip lives next to you? And you know him?!

Oz, can you introduce me to him?

Jill... The man's a professional killer.

Oz, you don't understand. I've been wanting to meet this guy for years. Please, Oz. Come on!

Oh, Oz!

Quick, come on!

What's this, Oz? I dunno.

It is you. Mr Tudeski, you don't understand. I'm one of your biggest fans.

I've followed your career since I was a kid. You're the reason I'm trying to get into the business.

What business would that be? Contract killing. It's what I wanna do.

And if I could just have one afternoon of your time, I know I could learn so much from you.

So come in.

You too.

What's all this?

How do you know her? She's my assistant.

Did you know she was a hitter? Actually Mr. Tudeski, I'm still a virgin.

I haven't killed anyone yet, professionally.

Oz was supposed to be my first. Excuse me?

His wife hired me. That was you?

I was supposed to make it look like an accident, so I went to work for him so I can familize myself with his habits.

Good. Smart. Thanks.

But then after I got to know him, I... started to like him.

First mistake. I know!

You should get close, but not too close.

Oz, why don't you pour yourself a martini? It's four o'clock in the afternoon.

I'll...

Look, don't give yourself too hard a time. You've got your whole career ahead.

I remember when I was first startin' out, I hadn't done that much.

You know I'd done a couple things, saw some money, was having fun. I was doing somethin' I liked.

And I was recruited by Lazlo Gogolak.

First thing he wanted me to do was... whack out one of his little cousins.

Is this the Stanley Posilansky incident? Yeah.

Anyway, Lazlo doesn't want it to look like a hit.

So I've gotta get close to Stanley, who was this really charming, cute, funny little guy.

Very weird sense of humour. Made me laugh.

I really liked him as a person. You know what I mean?

You got too close.

Yeah. I got too close.

Moment of truth comes... I choked.

Him? Me. I choked.

Couldn't do it. I actually...

I... I told him I was there to kill him.

You believe that? I said "Run, Stanley, run! Go, go! Run, hide. Off you go."

We shake hands, part as friends.

I turn around to walk away... and that weasel shoots me in the back.

And the bullet comes out right here.

So what did you do? I didn't really like Stanley after that.

He took a really... really long time to die.

And this scar's a reminder. Never get too close.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Not to interrupt or anything, but you were gonna kill me? That was the plan?

What are you doin' tonight? No plans.

Wanna help us out? Me and Frankie Figs.

Wait. Are you offering me a job?

Only if you're interested.

It would be an honour. It would be like a dream come true!

Who's the mark? Janni Gogo.

Janni Gogo?

Feel my arm. Goose bumps!

Phone!

Phone scared me.

There it is again!

What is wrong with you? I dunno.

Yeah. Frankie.

OK, good. See you soon.

Good news? Great news.

Apparently Janni Gogo is on his way up here and... bringing my wife with him.

Your wife? Your... He's got... Why?

I'm sure Janni figures he'll take care of her when he takes care of me.

So what are you gonna do? Try to save her? No. I want her dead, too.

Really? Yeah. You got a problem with it?

Why would I? It's not like I know her. I can't believe you people!

Here you are, calmly talking about the murder of a beautiful, innocent woman, whose only crime is that she married you, Jimmy, so I'm not gonna listen to this any more.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go!

I'm gonna...

Does this slide? What?


Answer that.

That's my phone, thank you.

Hello?

Well, who was it? They hung up.

Expecting a call? Explain how that's any of your business.

Get her bag. The plane's waiting and I'm not.


Oh, my God.

You don't like the Walther? Go with what you're comfortable with.

It's what James Bond uses. Really?

Yeah. Still, I'd like...

Is there any way I can stop you from doing this?

Oz, will you relax? I promise you, no one will know you had anything to do with this.

That's not the point. What is the point?

You're still gonna kill your wife!

Well...

Yeah!

I've got a very good reason to kill my wife.

I've got ten million very good reasons to kill my wife.

OK, well... what if I said no?

You know, what if I said I wasn't gonna let you do it?

You know, you are the most chivalrous guy I have ever met in my life.

Do you see why I couldn't kill him? I love him.

Oz... come on.

You relax. Come on over here, sit down in your favourite chair. Have another martini.

Listen to me. Tonight is gonna happen, whether you want it to or not.

And... you're gonna help. Me? Help?

Yeah. You, help. You're gonna help. You're gonna go with Frankie to meet Janni at the plane.

Because if you're not there, Janni will get suspicious, get back on the plane and fly back to Chicago, and we don't want that.

Jimmy. Oz.

This is the way it's gotta be, OK?

And...

I'm tellin' you this like a friend because... if you screw this up, I would hate to...

I would really hate to have to kill you.

I would hate it. I'd hate it more than mayonnaise.

You know how much I hate mayonnaise. Yes, I do.

And besides, trust me, you want Janni Gogolak dead.

No, that's where you're wrong. I don't want anybody dead.

Well, if we don't make Janni Gogolak dead, he's gonna make you dead.

The Gogolaks do not like to leave witnesses lying around. - Oh, so now...

Damn it, Jimmy! Why the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard?

I'm been here two days, I've got little tomato plants... Oh, my God!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes... Yes!

Hey why did you stop? Are you doing it tonight?

Tonight, whenever. Let's go, kick it into gear here! For 10,000?

Wait a minute. You said we were doin' this for 15.

I changed my mind. But if you think I should go and try to find somebody else, I can...

No, no, no, no.

Listen, why don't we make it... 12,500?

I can live with 12,500. As long as my husband doesn't.

He won't. I promise.

You must be... Jill St Clair.

And can I just say, Mr Figueroa, that I think the job you did on Kevin Vincent, that and the Ronald Abramson hit, they were both just... They were works of art.

I see you've done your homework. Well, I keep a scrapbook.

Frankie! What's up, man?

Honey, why don't you go get Oz? I wanna run through this one more time, make sure we know what we're doing.

Cute kid. Got definite potential.

Time to rock and roll.


You know, I got this same car.

Really? No.


All right, nobody move.

Everybody quiet.


God, I'm gonna love this.

So... now what?

Now we wait until...

he's asleep. OK.


Sweet dreams, Jimmy.

Let's get started.


We got company.

Anybody we know? Oz's wife and some guy.

Probably your replacement. The new hitter.

Well, nothing we can do about it now.

Keep an eye on 'em. OK.

Love those pants on you.

So what is he, a bad guy, your husband? No.

Actually, everyone seems to like him.

Which might be the thing I hate most about him.

Alright, so let's go over this one more time. What the hell for?

I just wanna make sure we got everything right.

Is there any particular way you want him to die?

What do I care? I'm out of the country. Shopping for my funeral dress.

Dentist... get the blinds.

Today!

Oh, God! Of all the times...

You're married, right? Does your wife have any...

Feminine products! Yes. Yes, she does.

They're right through there. I'll show you where they are.

Don't b' long. Don't blong?

Don't be long. Gotcha.

You make a little noise, he gets out of bed to see what the problem is and you make him dead! OK?

You understand me? The dead part?

Then you ransack the house a little bit so it looks like a bad burglary.

And you get your ass back in this car, and we drive like hell back to Niagara Falls.

Where you're gonna pay me my other 5,000 dollars?

My mother's there waiting with it.

Wait a minute, your mother, she knows about this?

My mother wants this to happen as much as I do.

And I really, really want this to happen.

They're gonna kill you! What?

As soon as they're done with Jimmy, Janni's gonna come after you. I came to warn you.

Oh, that is...

Janni is not gonna kill anyone. Jimmy's is over there right now waiting...

So Jimmy... Jimmy and Frankie, they're in, you know...

What do you call? - Cahoots. Right.

And you? Are you cahooting with them? - Well I have no other choice, I had to pretend I was cahooting... but listen... I have a plan.

It's time. You two stay here.

Hey. You know these guys?

No.

Who is that?

Is that Janni Gogolak? From the Gogolak gang.

It might be. The guy they call Jimmy the Tulip lives next door.

Jimmy the Tulip. Damn! This is a hit. Stay right here.

Who's that? I don't know.

You smell great!

Shoot!

You got a gun now. Gonna use it or not? Kill him, Major.

Yeah, kill him, Major. Go ahead! Show him how you're not afraid to die!

Shoot!

Looks like you don't want it enough.

You should laugh when something's funny for a change.

One rock or more or less isn't worth dying for.

Hi. Are you guys looking for someone?

Hi, Janni.

Watch your head!

You know, this whole sneakin'-into-the-house thing to try to kill me?

You guys are really good! You really...

Goodbye, Janni.


What's goin' on? Oz took off with your wife.

And Sophie's hitter's right outside. All right. I'll take care of it.

You should get dressed.

You know what? Better yet, stay just like that.

In 60 seconds, stick your head out that window.

Hey.

Nice work. Thanks, Jimmy.

Be right back.

You know, I can't think of nothin' finer than a fine naked woman holdin' a gun.

And you just all kinds of fine, ain't you?

Don't get any ideas.

Seriously sweet ass.

Can I help you?

Now you can get dressed.

Where do you want this? Just put it over there. - Alright.

What was Oz doin' goin' off with my wife like that?

I can beep him. You can ask him. Beep him.

Now ain't this some shit?

All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

OK. Maybe I can talk to him. Reason with him. We're friends now, right?

That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought. What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

I don't wanna know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

It's your beeper.

I know.

It's Jimmy.

Jimmy, it's me.

Oz, what the hell were you thinkin', takin' off with Cynthia like that?

I'm sorry. But I can't let you kill her.

What do you mean you can't let me kill her? That's got nothin' to do with you!

Jimmy, I'm in love with her.

Look. I don't...

What did you just say? I love her.

Will you listen to yourself. What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!

He said he's in love with Cynthia. No shit!

So she's the one! She's the one what?

The one he schtupped in Chicago! The one he...

My wife.

You schtupped my wife, Oz?

I wouldn't exactly necessarily phrase it that way, exactly.

No, wait, wait! You went to Chicago and engaged in sexual congress with my wife?

Is that what you're telling me?

Is that it? Is... Jimmy, calm down.

I swear to God...

He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

Find out where he is. Just stay right there.

Oz, you stud, you! Gonna be a dead stud.

Tell Jimmy I might have thought of a win-win way out of this.

Now I know you got a couple of spare bodies lying around.

Yeah, and get this. One of 'em's a cop.

What's he sayin'? What's he sayin'?!

Just tell him to stay where he is and I'll be right there.

That sounds great. I'm gonna run it by the boys and I'll beep you right back.

OK. Bye.

Jimmy, when was the last time you went to the dentist?

You really meant it, didn't you?

What you said.

About what? Loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?

Sex.

I mean great sex, but... It was pretty good.

Is that all this has meant to you?

Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot.

Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you.

I don't usually go round risking my life for people that just like me.

I do like you.

But...

Then again, who knows? Maybe...

Maybe this feeling I've been having in the pit of my stomach...

Maybe it's love.

It's your beeper.

I know.

Yeah? It's me.

I'll tell you one thing. You got balls. Yeah. Who knew?

Jill told me your idea.

And...

I think it's worth a try.

Jimmy, thank you. But just so you know...

I am disappointed, Oz.

I am extremely disappointed with you.

Believe me, you are the last person in the world I would ever wanna disappoint, but everything I did was for love.

Yeah, whatever.

See you at your office. OK. Gimme an hour.

Oh, and don't forget the corpse!

Merci. Monsieur Boulez, remember to floss. De rien. C'est mon plaisir.

Stay on the boat. Take this.

If you don't hear from me in two hours, just go. Disappear. Leave the country.

Oz!

Be careful.

I'm Mr Careful.


Oz. I just wanted to make sure it was you.

Everybody's inside. By the way, huevos grandes, amigo!

The great and powerful Oz.

Why don't we get started?


So far, so good.

Is he up? Yeah, got him.

Let's see if he stays...

All right. Frankie, duct tape.

We did it.

Yeah, I think we're good.

Barbecue? Barbecue.

It really turned out to be a nice night tonight.

OK. I'll be right back.

Who's this remind you of? Old Charlie, baby.

All right.

OK!


Doctor? These men need to see you.

Excuse me.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Dr Oseransky, I'm Sergeant Buchanan. This is Officer Morrissey.

Yes, well, what can I do for you?

Are you the owner of a brown Toyota Corolla, licence number ZSJ 959?

Yes. Is there a problem? Do you know where your vehicle is, sir?

I lent it to my neighbour. He went fishing. This neighbour. He got a name?

Jimmy Jones.

Would you mind taking us to his place of residence?

Your car was found by the grain silo at the Old Port.

Two bodies were in it. There had been a fire. Oh, my God.

The extent of the burns made normal identification impossible, so dental impressions were taken.

And from the records, we were able to establish that the bodies were those of one Janni Pytor Gogolak and James Stefan Tudeski.

Both of them were big shots in a Chicago crime syndicate.

And you think this James... Tudeski.

...is the Jimmy I know? That's what we intend to find out.

Isn't that Hanson's car?

Go have a look.

Who's... who's Hanson? One of our men.

He was on an undercover assignment.

There was some concern earlier because he failed to check in this morning.

Your mother, she knows about this?

My mother wants this to happen as much as I do.

And I really, really want this to happen.

It's Hanson's car all right. But no sign of Hanson.

But I found a tape.

Dr Oseransky, could you tell us where your wife might be?

My wife? She's in Niagara Falls with her mother. Why?

Dr Oseransky, I don't know how to tell you this, but it seems that your wife recently tried to hire a hit man to kill you.

A hit man?

Oh, my God!

There's no smoking in here.

So where is he, Mrs Oseransky?

...questions and you better have answers! Hi, Mom!

You can ask me questions until you're blue in the face, but until I speak to my attorney...

You spoke to your attorney. He doesn't want anything to do with you!

Special Agent Hanson, Mrs Oseransky. What did you do to him?

Wasn't me. We have your voice on tape!

His written reports! We know you tried to hire him to kill your husband. So what happened?

Did he try to back out? He tried to back out and you killed him.

None of this would have happened if that girl had done her job!

What girl? Jill!

My husband's receptionist.

Oh, yeah? Well, is she a contract killer, too? Yes! I hired her! She's the killer.

This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

Do you wanna talk to her?

No. No, I don't think so.

Mm. I don't blame you.

You guys know a good divorce lawyer?

She did it! She's a killer! You've got to believe me!

Don't worry. I got all the i's dotted and all the t's crossed.

Jimmy's got his own way of spelling. I will take care of Jimmy. You not gonna have to see him.

While you and Jill at the bank getting the money, Jimmy and I'll be at the fine-art museum.

Jimmy at a fine-art museum? There's people at a fine-art museum.

He's not gonna try anything. All right. If you say so.

Where's Cynthia?

You and I are leaving.

Then I'll beep Cynthia. She'll get in touch with you on that phone and tell you where to go.

Listen to him. Mr Cloak-and-Dagger!

I'm being careful. I'm a dentist. Yeah.

You boys play nice, now.

Take us to the art museum.

You really think if Cynthia doesn't come through, you're gonna be any safer at the art museum?

Hello.

Yeah. Yeah.

I hope there was nothing special you wanted to see at the art museum today.

Why? Cos we're not going to the art museum.

We're going to the marina.

The marina? Yeah.

I rented a boat for the day.

Ain't that right, Frankie?

See? I'm careful, too.


You're Jill?

Nice to meet you.

Where's your gun? What makes you think I have a gun?

Throw it in.

You have the certificates?

Let's go banking.

Everything seems to be in order.

Where would you like the money sent? I like it wire transfer to a bank in the Caymans.

The account number is 0... Can we just have a minute, please?

Certainly. Thanks.

I'll be right over there.

We could just walk away, you know. You and me.

With the whole ten million.

So? What do you think?

I think...

I know that if we did, Jimmy would kill Oz. So what?

You're a lucky guy, Oz. Why would you say that?

You're about to find out if the woman you love really loves you.

Want a beer?

If it was me, if I was in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

So what are you bettin' on?

I'm betting on love.

Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

So when are you gonna do it? Let's just make sure we got the money first.

But you are intendin' to kill him?

Jimmy, listen. He was there! He was there when you killed Janni and a cop!

Now, I know you like this guy...

Yeah. I do. But he's got to go.

And if you ain't prepared to do it, then I... Hey, Frankie, Frankie!

Let's not forget who you're talking to, OK?

Jimmy Tudeski may be dead, but he ain't exactly dead. You understand?

Glad to hear it. Just drive the boat.

Think about it, Cynthia. We're talking about five million dollars apiece here.

Is Oz really worth that much to you?

The thing is... is...

I think I love him. You think? You think?

Sweetheart, for five million dollars, you better be damn certain!

I am.

I'm sorry, but I... I love him.

You do? That's the right answer.

Yo, guy! You can get back here now.

Yeah?

Yeah.

OK.

OK.

We got the money.

Bye-bye, Oz.

What...

Sorry, Frankie. I always liked you.

Wh... Why... Why did you kill him?!

Well, I had to kill one of you.

Well, then, you definitely made the right decision.

Why did you have to kill him?!

Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have.

And... he would have thought that I'd gone soft, eventually come after me and the money.

So... what about me?

I want the bulk of the money to be put into this account right here.

I also want one million dollars placed in this account under the name of Dr Nicholas and Mrs Cynthia Oseransky.

One million... What?

An early wedding present from Jimmy.

Not that Jimmy.

Can we have another minute? Certainly.

Thanks. I'll just...

Is this for real? Yes it's for real, but in order to get the money, you have to show up together and show them a copy of a validated marriage certificate.

Jimmy's giving me a divorce? Don't you read the papers, lady?

Jimmy Tudeski's dead.

I don't know what to say. When the time comes... just say "I do".

Yo!

Maybe I am going soft. In the old days, I would have definitely killed you.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Or... I dunno.

Maybe I have changed since my death.

I don't think that's what it is. What do you mean?

You love her, don't you? Cynthia?

Hi, Oz. Cynthia's waiting for you. She said you'd know where.

Say hi to my widow for me, will you?

Take care of yourself.

Marry me.

Jimmy told you.

What?

He didn't, did he?

You just... wanna marry me?

No.

No, I don't just wanna marry you. I wanna marry you more than anyone's wanted to marry anyone in the history of the world.

Then would I be out of line if I told you... that I loved you?

And said "Yes"?

I would love to marry you. So you... wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with a poor dentist?

Somethin' tells me we'll get by.

They all laughed at Christopher Columbus When he said the world was round They all laughed when Edison recorded sound They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother When they said that man could fly They told Marconi wireless was a phoney It's the same old cry They laughed at me wanting you Said I was reaching for the moon But, ooh, you came through Now they'll have to change their tune They all said we never could be happy They laughed at us and how But ho, ho, ho Who's got the last laugh now?

They all laughed at Rockefeller Center Now they're fighting to get in They all laughed at Whitney and his cotton gin They all laughed at Fulton and his steamboat Hershey and his chocolate bar Ford and his Lizzy Kept the laughers busy That's how people are They laughed at me wanting you Said it'll be hello, goodbye And, ooh, you came through Now they're eating humble pie They all said we'd never get together Darling, let's take a bow For ho, ho, ho Who's got the last laugh now?


They laughed at me wanting you Said it would be hello, goodbye But, ooh, you came through Now they're eating humble pie They all said we'd never get together Darling, let's take a bow For ho, ho, ho Who's got the last laugh?

Hee, hee, hee Let's have the past laugh Ha, ha, ha, who's got the last laugh now?