The Wicker Tree (2011) Script

It's 8:00 a.m. and a glorious 74° here in downtown Dallas.

Let's kick things off with the our own hometown sweetheart Beth Boothby.

♪ I know where I'm going ♪

♪ I know who goes with me ♪

♪ I know who I love ♪

♪ My dear knows who I'll marry ♪

♪ I have stockings of silk ♪

♪ Shoes of bright green leather ♪

♪ Combs to buckle my hair ♪

♪ And a ring for every finger ♪

♪ Featherbeds are soft ♪

♪ Painted rooms are bonny ♪

♪ But I would give them all ♪

♪ For my handsome ♪

♪ Winsome Johnny ♪

♪ Some say he is poor ♪

♪ I say he is bonny... ♪ I'm so glad you're going with me.

I couldn't let you loose among all them heathens, honey, not on your lonesome.

♪ Handsome, winsome Johnny ♪

♪ I know where I'm going. ♪

Hi, Beth. Autograph?

♪ He hath filled the hungry with good things ♪

♪ And the rich he hath sent empty away ♪

♪ He hath helped His servant Israel ♪

♪ In remembrance of his mercy ♪

♪ Spoke to our fathers, to Abraham ♪

♪ And to his seed ♪

♪ Forever. ♪

We are gathered here today to say Godspeed to Beth and Steve-- two of our young redeemers who are going to give two years of their young lives to God and to bringing His message to the lost people of Scotland.

Seemingly, there are people there that have forgotten the Lord.

Many, I hear, don't even believe in angels.

Don't even believe in angels, folks.

Beth, I want you to know that we are all real proud of you.

But you are going out there to do some service to God.

And, Steve, you take real good care of this lovely little lady, do you hear?

Yes, sir.

May God bless you both and bring you back safe, successful and pure to us here.

And we will give you the wedding of the year.

And that's a promise. Amen.

I'm up to my oysters in shite!

Beth. Beth.

You look gorgeous. Give them some space.

Over here, Beth. Over here.

Just one more, Beth.

Thank you, darling.

Delia, welcome indeed.

As you can see, your young guests are already here.

This is Beth Boothby.

She and her friend are looking forward to preaching door to door.

God bless them.

Beth, this is Sir Lachlan Morrison--


--the patron for our concert here today.

We're just so grateful to you, sir, and lady?

Oh, call us Lachlan and Delia.

We don't stand on ceremony here.

And who is this?

I guess you could call Steve my fiancé.

Nice to meet you, sir, ma'am.

See our silver rings?

Oh, the same rings? How charming.

To show that you're engaged?

As a sign of our chastity, ma'am.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Well, I guess it don't appeal too much to some young folks here, but thanks to your invite, me and Beth-- we've come over here to try and change that.

Right, baby? Yeah.

Beth, I think they're ready for you.

Excuse me.

Beth, Beth.


Thank you. Bye. Come on, out. Out.

They're both perfect.

I was afraid we'd have to look further afield this year.

What a little star, especially if she can sing.

And rather beautiful, too.

In a corn-fed, apple-cheeks sort of way.

A perfect mate for a cowboy, then.


I bet she smells of the dairy, a musky bush, milky tits and just a hint of warm cow shit behind the ears.

So you approve of her, then?

Oh, and that poor Steve, wearing that ridiculous silver ring and waiting till his wedding day.

It really is another world over there in America, isn't it?

Oh, look, they're fixing up the mic for her.

None of these pop people can really sing.

♪ I know that my Redeemer lives ♪

♪ What joy the blessed.... ♪ I need to have a word with that cowboy.

Why not?

♪ He lives, He lives ♪

♪ That once was dead ♪

♪ He lives... ♪ You must be very proud.

Oh, I sure am.

For me, that voice of hers is always just awesome.

Papa says she sounds like an angel.

Oh, of course. That's what she reminds me of-- an angel.

Do you believe in angels?

Doesn't everyone?

Hats in church-- it's one of our local to-dos.

It makes you look even more-- well, now, what would the Americans say?

--cute without it.

♪ In time of need ♪

♪ He lives, my Savior ♪

♪ Still the same ♪

♪ What joyful bliss ♪

♪ The assurance gives ♪

♪ I know that my Redeemer ♪

♪ Lives. ♪


I do not believe how that Lachlan talks.

And did you get that he's a real sir, like a knight?

Oh, I mean, they're just so kind and enthusiastic, but, like, totally polite.

It's awesome, and in that amazing accent of theirs.

You're just used to kids, honey.

Those dudes are old.

But, boy, did they love you.


And how about you, cowboy?

That new singing gal is me.

Do you still love me?

I loved you when you had braces on your teeth, Beth.

And, boy, I love you now.

Silver ring, Steve.

Silver ring, honey.

Sometimes I just don't think I'm ever-- ever gonna get used to...


Well, that is the new Beth Boothby.

Let's listen to the old Beth Boothby in "Trailer Trash Love."

♪ I got nothing to sell, I got favors for rent ♪

♪ And the lovin' I give is heaven-sent ♪

♪ If you buy me a beer and want to try your luck... ♪ Oh, no, no.

♪ Then take me for a ride in your pickup truck ♪

♪ Call me cheap, call me a whore ♪

♪ That may be true if you get in my door ♪

♪ There are pleasures in heaven from God above ♪

♪ But, baby, nothing compares to my trailer trash love... ♪

Oh, I just hate her.

But it's you, baby.

Not anymore, she ain't.

♪ I was born in a car... ♪

Oh, where are you going, Steve?

To my room, honey.

Listen, I promise that when we're wed you're gonna know you married a real little old Jezebel.


Yeah, that concert was wonderful.

Oh, you and Lachlan are so kind.


Steve's gotten us a whole bunch of maps, but thank you.

Sure, we've got your numbers.

We'll call if anything comes up.

Yeah, we'll let you know how it goes.

I really appreciate it, Delia.


It would make such a difference if you could just read through these.

No, no, no, thank you. If we could just leave them with you.

No, no, thank you. No, thank you. Please just take--

And if you just take a look here at--

No, no, no.

If you just let Jesus into your heart, sir.

Those city folk just hated our guts as soon as they saw us. Yeah, but--

A country soul is as good as a city soul any day in my book. A soul is a soul, Beth.

And I think we've got a real good chance to save some, thanks to our friends here. Steve's right, Beth.

What is the point of having doors slammed in your faces by these city people?

Now, our country neighbors may seem like a bunch of heathens to you, but they will hear you out.

And that I'll promise you.


Okay, I know we're doing the right thing.

And don't for a minute think that I'm not real grateful to y'all for the invite.

It's just maybe we gave up on them city folk too soon.

Forget it. I'm just being dumb.

Ain't this a Rolls-Royce?

No, Steve, sir.

This is a Hotchkiss.

On a Rolls, sir, that figure would be the Spirit of Ecstasy.

But this here is our goddess Sulis.

Sir Lachlan had her made special for this classic Hotchkiss, built 1929, as part of his collection of great cars of the past, as you may see.

Sulis is our Celtic name for her.

Of course, the Romans, when they were here, called her Minerva.

And she doesn't suffer fools gladly.

She is the goddess of the bright, intelligent people we all like to think we are.

So about this goddess-- you were kidding, right?

I take it that both of you are what you call born again.


And do intelligent people like you believe, as 14 million American born again apparently do, that the day Jesus returns, everyone who is not born again will bleed to death-- even innocent children in Borneo who've never even heard of Jesus?

Do you believe that?

Heck, I don't know.

But if it says so in the Bible, yes, ma'am, because we believe that everything-- that every word in the Bible was inspired by God.

So it must be true, right?


Sir Lachlan.

Thank you.

Hello, everybody.

I'm so glad you two can come.

This is going to be fun, trying to convert us heathens.

You're quite the famous dude around here, sir.

How comes that?

What makes him famous around here is that everyone works for him.

Infamous, more like Monty Burns in "The Simpsons."

Anything goes wrong-- I'm usually the villain.

Morning, Lolly. How's my Prince today?

He's been missing you, Sir Lachlan.

That's Beth Boothby, isn't it? Whoa.

Delia and I are throwing a special party for her at the manor house on Sunday.

Everyone's invited, so spread the word.

Beth, of course, is our very special guest.

Lolly here is our head groom.

What a beauty. Steve.

The horse, Beth. If that ain't one beautiful horse.

I'm terribly sorry. This is Steve.

As you can see, he's from America, too.

How would you like to ride him? I'd like it fine, but I think young Beth here would kill me first.

And you'd deserve it.

You know very well I'm asking Steve if he'd like to ride Prince.

Ride that horse? Are you kidding me? You bet.

Go on.

Morning, Jack.

An American guest for us, Jack. How about a greeting?

"'Prophet!' say I, 'thing of evil!-- prophet still, if bird or devil!--

On this home, by horror haunted-- tell me truly, I implore--

Is there-- is there balm in Gilead?-- tell me-- tell me, I implore!"'

Nevermore. Whoa.

Oh, stop showing off, Jack.

It's one of his party pieces.

He can't resist trying it out on strangers.

He doesn't really think you're a prophet.

We can't understand a word he's saying half the time, so we call him the Oracle. Oracle?

Yes, it's like a-- like a prophet, like Ezekiel in your Bible.

You're kidding me.

I probably am, but don't take offense.

Now, Steve, mindful of your silver rings, we're splitting you up.

Beth will be staying with Mary Hillier, our housekeeper, while you will be left in the capable hands of Peter McNeill here.

He'll look after you. Won't you, Peter?

Thanks, bud.

Welcome, Steve.

Nice to meet you, sir.

This way.

Sorry I'm late.

Bad news, Orlando. I've got to be back by 8:00.

8:00? Oh, that's really not fair. I've arranged the whole outing.

It's my first evening off since I've arrived here.

Come in, come in, Lolly.

Can't be seen kissing in the street, not in uniform.

Oh, well, why don't you take off the uniform and let me see that lovely Italian body of yours?


such a sexy name.

More sexy than Lolly? And apart from my granddad, I'm as Scottish as you are, Lolly.

Let me get this for you, miss.


That's Mary Hillier, our housekeeper.


Hello. I'm Mary. Hi, Mary.

Welcome, welcome. Come on, shall I take you in?

Yeah. Okay. Yes.

Now this is it.

So what do you do, Jack, aside from feed those birds?

S-s-sometimes I hunt for haddocks' eyes among the heather bright and work them into waistcoat buttons in the silent night.

My daddy done that.

He was shitfaced with moonshine, thought I'd turned into some Godzilla or some darn thing.

I was lucky the other five shots missed and hit some poor old cow.

Would you care for a game of cards, Steve?

I mean, we only play for pennies.

Oh, no, no, no, sir. I don't gamble no more.

I used to before I was saved. I like cards.

What I really like is to read them the same as I read the Bible.

Would you all guys like to see?

Of course, yeah. Aye.

Well, when I see the ace, it reminds me there is one God.

And the deuce reminds me the Bible's divided into two parts-- there's the Old and the New Testaments.

And when I see the three, I think of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

And when I see the four, it reminds me of the four evangelists who preached the Gospel.

And the five--

I think of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps.

There were 10. Five were wise and saved.

Five were foolish and shut out.

The six--

I think of the six days it took God to make this great heaven and this earth.

And when I see the seven, it reminds me that on the seventh day God took His day of rest.

And when I see the eight, I think of the eight righteous persons God saved when He destroyed all on earth.

With the nine--

Just a minute. May I?

Go ahead, bud.

When I see the nine...

I think of the lepers our Savior cleansed, and nine out of the 10 didn't even thank Him.

And when I see the 10, I think of the 10 commandments God handed down to Moses on a tablet of stone.

And when I see the king, it reminds me there is but one King in heaven-- God Almighty.

And when I see the queen, I think of the blessed Virgin Mary, queen of all heaven.

And the jack-- why, he's the devil.

♪ Will you go, laddie, go ♪

♪ To the braes o' Balquhidder? ♪

♪ We'll crown the laddie's queen ♪

♪ And we'll feast the night together ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go? ♪

♪ When the spring is in its prime ♪

♪ And flowers are freshly blooming ♪

♪ And the wild mountain thyme ♪

♪ All the moorland perfuming ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go? ♪ Oh, my God.

It really is Beth Boothby.

Our surprise guest.

No, Morag.

Could I? Could I get a wee autograph?

It's not for me. It's for our Johnny.

He's wild about you.

That was a real pretty song you were singing, Morag.

It's one of our May Day songs.

Do you celebrate May Day in America?

Like the Easter parade? Chocolate bunnies?

Not quite.

Well, Easter's definitely a big deal in the church-- you know, Jesus and the resurrection.

Our May Day is much much older than Easter.

Few Christians realize that the timing of their Easter is controlled by the moon.

Our goddess.

May Day is the day that we celebrate the rebirth of everything in nature-- the blossoming trees, the new crops, the sap rising in our own bodies.

Do you not feel it?

Would you like to see the May Queen's dress we're making?

I'd love to.

Would you like to try it on? You'd be the first to wear it.

Really? Uh-huh.

Oh, wow.

♪ The light lilting chorus ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go? ♪ Can I see it?


Oh, wow.

This is the coolest dress.

Oh, you guys are so clever.

I wish y'all could make something for my next gig.

I'm being really selfish.

Why don't y'all try it on?

The May Queen is elected, Beth.

No one tries on the queen's dress except the queen.

We made an exception for you, Beth, because I happen to know that Lachlan and Delia rather hope you'll consent to be the May Queen yourself.

I shouldn't have told you that, 'cause I know they want to ask you themselves.





Five times?


Why not seven?

I'm sure you, Orlando, could do it.

Italian men are such wonderful lovers.

What a great idea.

Are you on?

Nobody would touch that record.

You keep records here?

No, not really.

Well, quite informally.

You really are a treat, Orlando.

Scots and Englishmen can always find their way to the pub, but when it comes to the clitoris, they think it's an island off Greece famous for its ouzo.

♪ Bonny lads o' Gala Water ♪

♪ I'll kilt my skirt upon my knee... ♪

♪ I tempted him with apples ♪

♪ All golden in the light ♪

♪ He laid me in the orchard ♪

♪ Till the day turned into night ♪

♪ And since he plucked my cherry ♪

♪ All juicy, red and ripe ♪

♪ He sampled all the berries ♪

♪ Till the taste of me he won ♪

♪ A tryst is in the forest ♪

♪ Where no one else will come ♪

♪ And he don't want any gooseberries ♪

♪ A-spoiling all our fun ♪

♪ Oh, the fruits of the forest ♪

♪ And the fruits of the tree ♪

♪ I'll give to my love... ♪


Steve, wake up.

Good morning, Steve. Good morning, sir.

You remember Prince?

We thought you might like to look around the countryside, so we brought him along for you to ride.

All right! I'll be right down.

So which way, ma'am?

If I were you, I'd take him to the old castle-- left at the end, over the bridge, follow the river.

You might want to shorten those stirrups a bit, Steve.

Oh, no, no, no, ma'am. I always ride like this.

Thank you very much.


He's going to the castle.

He won't get far.

Whoa. Down, boy. Down, boy.

Ah, Steve.

So what do you think of Prince now you've ridden him?

Awesome. That's one real special horse.

The Anthea lady-- she warned me about the stirrups.

I nearly hit the dirt back there.

Why don't you come for a swim? Oh, I really can't do that.

Sulis is real welcoming this morning.

It'll make your skin feel velvety.

It's giving me good vibes.

I just can't believe this is for real.

You want me to come in?

Oh, what the hell?

Sulis-- ain't that some kind of goddess?

How did you know that?

I saw her on the front of Lachlan's vehicle.

She's cute.

I'm glad you approved of her.

I posed for the wee statue.

It was a great honor.

This is Sulis's sacred spring.

Wow, Sulis.

You gotta be kidding me about this.

This is just some warm water, right?

You believe a certain virgin had a baby, don't you?

Why can't you believe, like I do, that this water has a holy power?

I believe whatever's written in the Bible, Lolly.

That's Holy Writ.

Come on, Steve.

It'll make you feel out of this world.

Are you thinking about Beth?

I can let you into a secret.

Lachlan wants her to be the May Queen.

I think he might like you to be the Laddie. Would you go for that?

What's the Laddie?

The Laddie? You've not heard tell of the Laddie?

He is the brightest and best, the handsomest, the kindest, the goodest, perhaps the best rider.

I have known him to be the best lover.

I never dreamed it could be like that.

Think it might go on forever and ever.

Kind of hoping it would.

I always look for something that I know even Sulis cannot give me--

a child.

But I know that if it does happen, it will have happened here.

What do you mean, "always"?

Well, I am what the goddess wants me to be-- all things to all men.

We've got a word for that back in Texas, yeah, and it ain't pretty.

Still, I reckon somehow you're different.

I'm glad.

Lost something?


I guess it don't matter no more.

You lost it, you lost it.

Ain't no going back.

Here comes the big, unreadable book that's supposed to explain everything?

A big pile of these in the house-- I used them as a doorstop.

Now, what we have here is the latest report on what we've done in the 10 years since the accident to make our environment entirely secure.

Naturally, you will have some questions, but I asked you here to rebut some absolutely untrue reports in the press.

Yes, Patricia.

You've been protesting about my piece in "The Ecologist" with which Magnus absolutely concurs, so will you not just agree that nuclear is just too expensive and just too damned dangerous to live nearby?

Patricia, the greatest power station in our solar system is dangerous-- the sun.

It creates deserts, melts icecaps, causes cancer. We've been living with it since our ancestors crawled out of the primeval slime.

Respect and understanding for these forces of nature is the key to controlling them, Patricia.

Nuclear is just one of them.

I'm convener here for my union.

Do you think I'd risk my members' lives?

Can I quote you on your "slimy ancestors," Sir Lachlan?

Yes, of course.

Patricia said we're the best double act since Laurel and Hardy.

After the accident, the press went on about the danger of a nuclear catastrophe.

Funny that they never do their homework.

A river is a river, but the water table is another thing.

One flows. The other is static.

Journalists-- thank heavens they have the attention span of wet hens.

The accident did poison the water table. Now the villagers are infertile.

Sick babies they might notice, even deformed babies.

But virtually no babies-- no comment so far.

We have come a long way to remind you folks about Jesus, because I just know you've already heard about Him, just like you've heard about Rob Roy or Braveheart or Mr. Bell-- the great Scottish man who gave us all the telephone.

It's just many of you may have forgotten that Jesus was braver than Rob Roy because He gave His life for all of us, and not just the people of His time, but the people of all time.

And you may have forgotten that Jesus was not just a great inventor, He was the greatest of all because He invented a new kind of love.

Now, what was that, friends? Can any of you remember?

It is love of everyone but yourself-- really hard, wouldn't you agree, Beth?

Delia, that is such a good question.

And I see Steve would like to answer you.

No, ma'am, no.

If you can love other folks like Jesus loves us, then there's no other reason to love yourself.

'Cause you're so full of love, you're like some great, big light.

Like a beacon? Right.

And like Jesus.

Now, friends, I'd like to ask Steve to pass among you.

And he'll be handing out some thoughts on Jesus that we'd like you to read real closely and also some real pretty hymns for us to sing together.

Now, please, friends, the hymns' words are real important.

Just try and believe what you're singing and you'll open your hearts to Jesus.

♪ Would you be free ♪

♪ From the burden of sin? ♪

♪ There's power in the blood ♪

♪ Power in the blood ♪

♪ Would you o'er evil ♪

♪ A victory win? ♪

♪ There's power in the blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the precious blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power ♪ ♪ Power ♪

♪ Power ♪ ♪ Power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪ ♪ Power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the precious blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ Would you be free from your passion and pride? ♪

♪ There's power in the blood ♪

♪ Power in the blood ♪

♪ So come for a cleansing ♪

♪ To Calvary's tide ♪

♪ There's wonderful power in the blood ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪ ♪ Power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪ ♪ Power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the precious blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪ ♪ Power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the blood of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪ ♪ Power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the precious blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb. ♪

Hello, Jack.

Oh, be off with you, Nevermore, you wicked old bird.

Go on.

S-s-say I'm weary, say I'm sad;

Say health and wealth have missed me;

Say I'm growing old, but add--

Lolly kissed me.

Can you keep a secret?

There's somebody I want to see, but I don't want them to see me. Does that make sense?

You're in love with a wonderful guy?

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

The day after tomorrow, we will crown the May Queen.

Can anyone think of a more perfect queen than Beth?

Do you accept this?

I'm deeply honored.

Sure, I accept.

Lachlan's told us how the next two days are like very special holidays for y'all.

After they're over, Steve and I hope you'll come talk to us about Jesus.

Like, we'll be waiting and hoping...

And praying that y'all come.

♪ Will you go, laddie, go ♪

♪ To the braes o' Balquhidder? ♪

♪ We'll crown the laddie's queen ♪

♪ And we'll feast the night together ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go? ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go ♪

♪ To the braes o' Balquhidder? ♪

♪ We'll crown the laddie's queen ♪

♪ And we'll feast the night together ♪

♪ Will you go, laddie, go? ♪ And here, to crown the queen, is her Laddie.

This used to be a hunting lodge once.

Oh, but they tried to ban all that.

Fishing will be next, they say.

Too painful for the poor wee fish.


This will be nice and cozy for you.

We thought you'd like a wee moment to yourselves, my lambs.

So, some punch to celebrate.

Now, Delia will be here to collect our queen a little later.

And Sir Lachlan is coming by with Prince, laddie, to go rehearse for your ride tomorrow.

It was better than I could have dreamed, wasn't it, Mary?

They loved you, my lambs.

Couldn't you tell?

We all thought you were just perfect.

You're just so kind.


You have a problem, Steve?

I mean, wasn't that a triumph beyond our wildest dreams?

Sure, in some weird way, I guess.


I want out, Beth.

I don't mean tomorrow.

I'll do the Laddie bit like they've asked.

I'll stay and I'll watch them crown you and all.

But after that, I'm high tailing it home.

I'm just a dumb cowboy, Beth.

I mean, this ain't me.

I just want out.


You can't mean that, Steve.

You're a redeemer like me.

You can't suddenly run out on what that means.

What is it?

Tell me.

Something happened?

I know what I do well, Beth-- ride a horse.

I'm not worthy to be no redeemer.

No ways.

I'm a sinner, big time.

About what happened in that hotel in Edinburgh when we suddenly thought about our silver rings?

Steve, where's your ring?

I lost it.

I'm not the guy for you, Beth.

Can you be a believer and a sinner?

I guess you can't, 'cause that's me.

I'm real sorry, Beth.

Please forgive me.

Tomorrow I'll be the Laddie.

And after that hopefully we'll-- we'll-- we'll gather in a whole wagonload of souls for Jesus.

Then I'm gonna go back home to Texas where I belong.

And I so hope you'll come with me, baby.

Now, the thing to remember is don't let them trap you before you get to the castle.

Keep your eyes open. Keep watching

180°, 360 if you can.

They can come from any direction.

Thanks to Prince, you can always outride them.

Oh, and one more thing:

Don't let anyone tell you which way to ride.

It's an old trick.

So if I win, what happens next?

Well, inside there's an ancient chair made of stone.

That's the Laddie's throne.

You sit there and we'll come for you.

Does it piss you off, sir, that I figure you guys are out of your minds with this Laddie thing?

Does it matter to you that you think that?

Getting to ride Prince-- that's a prize in itself.

No, sir. It's cool with me.

Well, Steve, if it's cool with you, it's cool with me.

♪ I got nothing to sell, I got favors for rent ♪

♪ And the lovin' I give is heaven-sent ♪

♪ If you buy me a beer and want to try your luck ♪

♪ Then take me for a ride in your pickup truck ♪

♪ Call me cheap, call me-- ♪

Laddie, can I have your autograph?

You sure can.

What's your name, bud?

Angus McClintock. But just write "To Angus."

Okay. Hey, you're the only kid I see around here. How come?

There aren't very many kids around here.

Right on. You want me to sign myselfjust "Laddie" or you want my real name?

Both, please, Laddie.

Angus, shouldn't you be at home?

Laddie, are you a cowboy? I mean, for real?

I sure am.

So where are your shooters, then?

Go on, Angus. You're bothering the Laddie.

Get on home before I call your dad.

No, Pete, it's cool.

I left my shooters back home in Texas

'cause those airlines-- they don't like me having them on the plane.

Thanks for the autograph, Laddie.

I just wish you'd brought your shooters.

You really could have used them tomorrow.

Angus, I'll call your dad.

Ah, so that is what the modern missionaries are wearing these days.

Or are you trying to tell us something, Beth?

Okay, I'll admit it.

I'm mad as hell at Steve.

But you're throwing a party for me and I plan to enjoy it.

Carla made the dress for me to wear after a gig.

I don't know why I packed it.

It must have been a premonition.

So do you plan to forgive Steve?

Say, tomorrow?

You must remember to err is human, to forgive-- divine.

I'll probably forgive him in half an hour.

You know why?

Because I love that son of a bitch cowboy.

♪ The feast shall cloy not ♪

♪ Nor the chase shall tire ♪

♪ Nor music cease forever ♪

♪ Through the hall ♪

♪ The gold and jewels ♪

♪ Of the Land of Youth ♪

♪ Outshine all splendors ♪

♪ Ever dreamed by man ♪

♪ Thou shalt have horses ♪

♪ Of the fairy breed ♪

♪ Thou shalt have hounds ♪

♪ That can outrun the wind ♪

♪ A hundred chiefs ♪

♪ Shall follow thee in war... ♪ Dear God--

I've got to get this in the right order.

Thank you, as always, for my wonderful voice and for making me so okay-looking.

And thank you for making that amazing prayer meeting such a success.

And, God, Steve--

I want him back.

I know that you help those that help themselves.

And I guess I didn't use my womanly wiles any too wisely where Steve is concerned.

But, please, God, rekindle in Steve's heart the love that he used to have for me.


Who is it?

It's me, miss, with your hot milk.

Come in.

Just there.

Magog, Magog.

Come here, come here. No, no, no, no, leave him, please.

I like cats.

Very good, miss, if you're sure.

I'm sure. Thanks.

Good night.

Good night, miss.

That's not for you, Magog.

It's too hot.

Sitting astride a horse all day makes me horny as hell sometimes.

Oh, here, let me help you off with that.

That was number six.

Lolly, you said you were gonna tell me about that cult that's been reported around here if we got to six.

Seven. I said seven.

Seven is going to be the best yet.

Of course, everybody knows about the old great scarf act.

I'm sure you do... but not the way I do it.

Lolly's latest--

Orlando Orgasissimo.

Lolly's hospitalized the copper.

Well, I'm afraid we have not been successful with Beth.

Magog is dead.

Must have got to the milk.

Beth, however, seems to be all right.

Well, Beame, you'd better deal with Miss Beth after breakfast, give her a shot of the usual.

Yes, sir.

Beg pardon, sir, what if she's awake?

Then put her to sleep.

Good God, man, how long have we been doing this?

Oh, pity about Magog.

We will miss him.

Yes, well, the mice won't.

Beame, get her ready for tomorrow before there are any more mishaps.

Yes, Sir Lachlan.

Get cook to help you.

Daisy always frets a bit.

She doesn't really like helping me.

"Gruesome" was the word she used.

Oh, well, the weaker sex.

Although not of course you, my lady.

Mary Hillier asked me an odd question yesterday.

She wondered, do I-- do you really believe in what you've led us to believe?

Hmm, yes.

It's a very good question.

Am I a sincere believer?

Why have you put in the Laddie?

Oh, it's you.

I've always wanted to paint the bridge.

And then I thought, "Imagine the whole of Tressock will be riding after the Laddie."

Poor wee Laddie.

That bridge has seen so much drama over the past few centuries.

Poor wee Laddie.

Hunting him is a game of chance.

You've often said that what you believe in is the natural order of things-- the food chain.

Cruel or benign, for you, everything under the sun happens because it just happens.

That's fate.

But can fate be altered?

This is a question that every religion have tried to answer.

And the answer is almost certainly no.

But we keep trying.

I'll tell you what I believe: if I am a rabbi, Jehovah is my God; if a mullah-- Allah the Merciful is He; if a Christian-- Jesus is my Lord.

Here in Tressock, I believe the old religion of the Celts fits our needs at this time.

Isn't that all you can ask of a religion?

In a few moments, my friends, I will introduce you, those who have not already met him, to your Laddie.

Here he is.

This year we are exceptionally fortunate to have selected someone who is both handsome and an excellent horseman.

He really is a good man, worthy to be your Laddie.

People of Tressock, all hail the Laddie!

You know your way out of the village.

In three long minutes, we'll be after you. Remember what I told you.

Now go!

Go, Laddie, go!

Just lie nice and still, miss.

This will not hurt.

You'll wake nice and fresh tomorrow.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

She'll be making for the village.


And what is that? Alum.

That American bitch.

Can you believe the laird could have chosen a woman that wicked as queen?

Be still, man, will you? You big baby, you.

She nearly severed one of your googerlies.

We've just got to stop the bleeding and you'll be fine.

She'll be making for a telephone.

She'll need money.

She's got no money, Daisy.

Oh, Mr. Beame, you'll not forget she's the queen?

You'll respect that, man? Promise.

Oh, aye.

She'll be in mint condition for her coronation.

I promise you that. The bitch!


You'll forget you heard that.


Open the door.

Come on.


You're the guy with the raven. Isn't that right?

O wicker tree, O wicker tree, tell me, what do you see?

I'm sorry, sir, I just need to use your phone.

I need the cops-- police. You do have police?

O wickerish tree, O wickerish tree, t-tell me, w-what can you see?

Oh, for God's sake, where's your phone?

My wickerish tree, tell me, what do you see?

♪ Don't eat people ♪ ♪ Oh, no, not again ♪

♪ I won't eat people ♪ ♪ All the day long ♪

♪ Don't eat people ♪ ♪ He keeps on repeating ♪

♪ Eating people is wrong... ♪ It says, "Press 3."

Um... No. One?

This is crazy, mister. How do you do this?

♪ Eating people is bad ♪

♪ But people have always eaten people... ♪ Bitch.

What's this music you're playing, you miserable wee prick?

Put me down!

Let me go!

It's a trap, Steve.

Follow me, quick.

Sure. It's just a game, Lolly.

No, it's not a game.

Please don't go, Steve.



Come on, come on.

Morning, Mr. Beame.

Morning, Mary.

Yes, well, I think we have excelled ourselves this year.

Beth really inspired everybody.

Such a lovely girl, and that beautiful voice-- the perfect queen.

I've always wanted to ask-- why the oil?

It's not as if you're going to cook her.

No, it just makes the skin more flexible.

It's easier to peel. I could use the analogy of a peach.

That's quite enough, Mr. Beame. We don't want to hear the gory details, do we, Mary?

Oh, no. She's still breathing.

Oh, yes. She's just sedated.

Mr. Beame likes the queen to be absolutely fresh when he starts to work on her.

What are you looking for?

It's just one of these eyes are not at all the right color.

Where is my bowl of eyes?

It was on the shelf over there, I could swear.

That Dougie-- he forgot to give them back.

Are you mad, woman?

You lent the queen's eyes, which are absolutely sacred and irreplaceable, to that idiot Douglas McCrea?

He'll be riding after the Laddie just now.

You'll have to wait until after the feast.

As I thought-- hazel green, a wonderful color.

Sleep a good sleep, my lovely.

Hey, what took you guys so long?

Hope you brought some food, 'cause I'm starving.

Laddie, you are a prince among men, a king.

We all-- all salute you.

You will give your life so that a new generation of our people will be born blessing your name.

Children will be called after you.

Hallowed be thy name.


Oh, God.

Where am I?

And now we will sing the hymn that you and Beth taught us.

♪ Would you be free ♪

♪ From your burden of sin? ♪

♪ There's power in the blood ♪

♪ Power in the blood ♪

♪ Would you o'er evil ♪

♪ A victory win? ♪

♪ There's power in the blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb ♪

♪ There is power, power ♪

♪ Wonder-working power ♪

♪ In the precious blood ♪

♪ Of the Lamb. ♪ O blessed sun, our ancestors feared one terrible winter's day that you would set in the western sky, plunging us into perpetual night.

And yet you shine upon us still.

O glorious sun, accept our sacrifice that we may be fruitful once again.

We pray that we may once more hear the sound of children's laughter in our midst.


♪ Come with me, be with me ♪

♪ Play with me and love with me ♪

♪ Come with me, be with me... ♪ Oh.

♪ Play with me and love with me ♪

♪ Come with me, be with me ♪

♪ Play with me and love with me ♪

♪ Oh, tell me it's all right... ♪

♪ Stay with me tonight... ♪ Hello?

Let me out!


Let me out!

Oh, God.

Where's Steve?

I tried to save him. I begged him to follow me.

He's dead, Beth.

You're lying. Where's Sir Lachlan?

The Laddie is-- is a sacrament.

He's the perfect sacrifice.

Beth, you have to believe me.

I tried to save him.

He thought it was just a silly game.

They killed him?

They killed Steve?

It isn't possible.

Don't go that way.

Don't you know what they're going to do to you?

Get on this horse now and we'll go.

If Steve's really dead, I'm certainly not gonna run away.

The Lord has chosen me for this, Lolly.

He saved me from Beame and He will protect me now.

You're forgetting you're the Queen of the May.

You're next.

That's right. I am one Queen of the May that no one is ever gonna forget.

♪ Wicker is woman ♪

♪ She is a tree ♪

♪ Soft and most tender ♪

♪ And free ♪

♪ Wicker is man ♪

♪ And hard wood is he ♪

♪ Strong are the arms ♪

♪ Of the wicker tree ♪

♪ Insatiable tree ♪

♪ Part he and she ♪

♪ O wicker tree ♪

♪ Wicker tree. ♪


Paul, what is it?

It's the queen.

Where's Steve?

Is he really dead?

Steve won, dear queen.

You really should be very proud of him.

He was the finest Laddie we ever had.


Danny, is Steve really dead?

Aye, he is, my queen.

And no one will ever find his body.

It is all gone.

But his soul, his new self-- it is in a heaven beyond our imagining.

Remember the song?

He shalt have a horse of the gods' own breed.

He shalt have hounds that can outrun the wind.

Up there, nothing will be too good for our wonderful Laddie.

Steve was chosen for his innate goodness.

He is our gift to the gods, and they will love him forever and reward us with renewed life here in Tressock.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time to-- Murderer!


Don't you have a song for this?

"Auld Lang Syne," perhaps?

What, you don't like that one?

How about your "Laddie" song?

I don't really know the words, so you'll have to help me.

♪ He shalt have horses ♪

♪ Of the fairy breed. ♪ Oh, come on, Danny, sing.

Your king is dead.

Will you sing for your queen and for my Laddie?

♪ Delightful is the land ♪

♪ Beyond all dreams ♪

♪ Fairer than aught ♪

♪ Thine eyes have ever seen ♪

♪ There all the year ♪

♪ The fruit is on the tree ♪

♪ And all the year ♪

♪ The bloom is on the flower ♪

♪ There with wild honey drip ♪

♪ The forest trees ♪

♪ Nor pain nor sickness knows ♪

♪ The dweller there ♪

♪ Death and decay ♪

♪ Come near him nevermore... ♪

I told Laddie he should have brought his shooters.

What's the use of a cowboy without his shooters?


Steve-- where did you see him?

Last night. He was at the inn.

It's so unfair.

I'm not supposed to leave the house during the May Day celebrations, but my mom and dad wanted to go to the feast.

I have to wait till I'm a man they keep saying.

Sweetheart, where's the nearest village to Tressock?

Am I going in the right direction?

Lancart's over there.

Beth, if you want to avoid the road, it's best to follow me.

Okay, let's go. Come on.

I just want to go home.

It's just a little bit further.

No. No.

Stay still.


Lolly, push, push.


We have a little cowboy.

Find us a man to give us another.

And another. And another.

♪ I know where I'm going ♪

♪ I know who goes with me ♪

♪ I know who I love ♪

♪ My dear knows who I'll marry ♪

♪ I have stockings of silk ♪

♪ Shoes of bright green leather ♪

♪ Combs to buckle my hair ♪

♪ And a ring for every finger ♪

♪ Featherbeds are soft ♪

♪ Painted rooms are bonny ♪

♪ But I would give them all ♪

♪ For my handsome ♪

♪ Winsome Johnny ♪

♪ Some say he is poor ♪

♪ I say he is bonny ♪

♪ Fairest of them all ♪

♪ Is my handsome ♪

♪ Winsome Johnny. ♪

♪ Cry not for me ♪

♪ With the voice ♪

♪ Of the angels ♪

♪ Think not on me ♪

♪ Though I'm far ♪

♪ From your mind ♪

♪ Dream only of me ♪

♪ When you lie ♪

♪ When you're sleeping ♪

♪ For I have not gone ♪

♪ From time's passing frame ♪

♪ Though the sun, it will rise ♪

♪ Cast a shadow over me ♪

♪ I still see the picture ♪

♪ Through time's passing frame. ♪

♪ Life is ♪

♪ The journey we must make ♪

♪ To lead us ♪

♪ To peace ♪

♪ Ours is ♪

♪ The Kingdom ♪

♪ And a new life ♪

♪ Is born again ♪

♪ Born again ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ The answer ♪

♪ Follow me ♪

♪ Join in ourjourney ♪

♪ We must pledge with love ♪

♪ And with faith ♪

♪ Over the mountains ♪

♪ Where the sun rises ♪

♪ Follow me, follow me ♪

♪ Love is ♪

♪ The answer ♪

♪ Follow me. ♪