So Saint Peter leaves and Jesus remains, guarding the gateway to heaven, his eyes feasting on the serenity of the sky and the clouds.
Suddenly, out of the swirling mist, an old man appears.
He's wearing a worn-out suit and carries a crooked cane.
Heavy spectacles sit beneath his heavy eyebrows.
He approaches Jesus and says, "Good morning.
"I would like to get into Heaven."
And Jesus says, "You will if you've led a worthy life.
“And what was your profession on Earth, sir?"
And the old man says, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus pauses for a moment, looks at the old man, and says in a low voice, "Strange... I used to know a man who was a Carpenter."
The old man nods.
"I know how you must feel," he says.
“Because I had a son who I haven't seen in a very long time."
A lump comes to Jesus' throat...
“That man..." says Jesus, “That carpenter was my father."
Jesus leans down and studies the old man's features.
"Strange," says Jesus.
“But you look very familiar to me."
The old man squints again, looks up at Jesus, and says, “And you look familiar to me, too."
With tears in his eyes, Jesus opens his arms and says,
The old man wipes a tear from his eye, opens his arms, and says, "Pinocchio?"
Your sense of humor is sick.
Ah, come on.
Admit it, you loved it, John.
I liked it. I didn't love it.
It was good.
That's because you think unexpected endings are brilliant.
I prefer normal short stories.
Yeah... the knock, knock variety.
You didn't like the play, either.
I only yawned twice.
Well, then you hated it.
Look, it's late. Let's get some sleep.
I can sleep on the airplane.
With all those mad Greeks dancing in the aisles?
Wanna go for a record?
For Christ's sake, Sian, it's nearly daybreak.
Come on... You know what your trouble is?
You think I'm like those super studs in your novels.
I'm not. I'm a real, 42-year-old, overworked guy, and once is enough after a long day in the mines.
What are you complaining about?
You're gonna have the whole weekend alone.
Do you hear that?
The Goodyear Blimp? The Goodyear Blimp.
"Bon Voyage" at daybreak? Mm-hmm.
Honey, I'd give my right arm for a man like that.
And my left for the blimp.
You are a hopeless romantic.
And you're too hard-nosed.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe I really am a man, Frances.
I mean, I don't like long relationships, you know?
I love adventure.
What's wrong with that, eh, babe?
Sounds like you need this trip. No, I need to play!
It's gonna be a lot of long, hard work. If I know you, you'll find time to play.
In a 2,000-year-old town?
You don't fool me, Sian, darling. You'll play.
Even if you have to do it with a ghost.
I will miss you.
Just promise me that you won't be nosy and you'll stay out of trouble this time.
Well, being in the wrong place at the worst possible time is in my blood.
You know what they say about you, don't you?
"Ballsy little wench." Yeah, yeah.
I shouldn't have put a man's name on my books.
What about your landlord?
What about him?
"Elias" doesn't sound very Anglo-Saxon. Are you sure he speaks English?
Well, if he doesn't, my sign language is fluent.
You'll promise to call?
The moment I miss you.
That sounds like a vague promise.
I'm staying at Jane's the first night and then the next morning I'm gonna leave for Monemvasia.
I can't even Say it. -Mmm. It's OK.
You never won a spelling bee, either.
'Any passengers holding tickets
'for Pan Am flight 151 non-stop to San Francisco, 'your plane is now boarding at gate number 14.
'Pan Am flight 120 non-stop to London
'is now in the final boarding stage at gate number 171.'
Lovely, isn't she? Quite a Mecca, you know.
Sixty thousand people used to live here in the old days.
They built their houses one on top of the other.
Underground passages for protection.
Attacking warships, you see.
The natives got sick and tired of getting shells for breakfast.
Was she ever taken? Only once, since 375 AD.
It's not a bad record, is it?
The attackers cut the supply lines.
Monemvasia means "only one access".
I thought you were Greek. Hal Very amusing.
"Elias" isn't exactly English, but not Greek.
Good heavens! Anything but Greek.
The name is Appleby, dear girl.
I'm sorry you have to carry your own luggage, dear girl.
I've never carried a lady's luggage in my life.
I'm a feminist. I believe if women want to be liberated, they must learn to carry their own luggage, and open their own automobile doors.
In any case, I'm too old to carry anything.
It's quite all right. What was that?
I wonder, dear, if you'd mind walking on the other side?
I'm a bit deaf.
I wear my hearing aid on the right.
Is this any better? Yes, dear. Much better, thank you, yes.
Where was I? Oh yes, of course.
I married a Greek woman, you know.
The great thing about being married to a Greek woman is she never complains. That's lovely.
Well, not that I'd understand if she did, you know.
She's never learnt English and I've never learnt Greek.
I think too much communication destroys a relationship.
Maybe you're right.
I'm always right, dear girl.
Here she Is.
1,700 years old, and still looking marvelous.
Half of it is mine.
You should be, dear girl.
I came here first during the war.
One of the many wars the Greeks have had in the last 40 years.
They occupy so much of their time fighting, you know, that bloody foreigners like myself can come here and buy the land for a song.
When I first saw this place, I almost had an orgasm.
Forgive the expression.
It made such a strong impression on me that I promised myself one day I'd own it.
Do you believe in ghosts, dear girl?
I've never seen one. Neither have I.
But at times like this, I feel them passing by.
Ghosts, shadows, memories of the past...
I didn't think you'd be a poet.
I'm not. I fake it.
At heart, I'm just an old cynic.
Oh! Would you believe it?
What a mess.
He never does what he's told.
This is my house, you know.
I don't usually rent it to strangers, but I understand you're quite famous.
I'm afraid I haven't read your books.
The travel agent told me about them.
A bit pulpy, eh?
Don't be ashamed, dear girl. It's a living.
Don't worry about the mess.
I'll have that idiot clear it up.
Meanwhile, I'd better start the generator.
There is an entrance downstairs, through the house, but I'm afraid I don't fit.
I shall have to go in through the back door.
The archaeological society is very strict about this town, keeping it as it was.
No electric lights allowed.
Apparently no people, either. What was that, dear?
Don't mumble, you're on the wrong side.
This place is like a ghost town. Where is everybody?
Oh, spending their money.
You may find it very difficult to believe but we get an awful lot of tourists here in the summer.
The merchants make a fortune.
Then they go to Switzerland.
They come back and work like dogs.
Bloody peasants, the lot of them.
Do you live here?
I prefer the city life.
I shall be driving back tomorrow, once I've looked after you.
You've more than taken care of me, Mr. Appleby.
I can explore the rest of the house myself.
If you want anything, my number is in the little book by the telephone.
I shall be spending the night in the village.
I don't care for driving after dark.
That's my wife.
She was an actress.
Would you like me to take these? Oh, no. No need.
She'll keep me company.
Thank you for the use of your house.
Thank me? \Whatever for?
I'm charging you a pretty penny, dear girl.
Oh, remember the wind.
This isn't Chicago.
The wind can be very dangerous at this time of the year.
It can be strong enough to kill a young bullock, or gentle enough to caress a beautiful young lady like yourself.
It can be your friend, or your enemy.
So don't go roaming around at night.
If you decide to go snooping around, and I'm sure you will, remember the locked closets don't contain anything valuable.
Just a few personal belongings: my son's hunting weapons.
I hope I haven't been too much of a pain in the derrière, dear girl, and you don't mind me calling you "dear girl".
No, you haven't been too much of a pain, Mr. Appleby.
And yes, I do mind you calling me "dear girl".
Yes, well, it's too late now.
Silly old goat.
Hello? John! Can you hear me?
Barely! How was your trip?
The trip was fine.
You sound tired. Anything wrong?
No, everything's all right. The place looks great.
Any neighbors? No, there's no one else around.
Just good old me.
'How are you gonna kill time, then, between chapters?'
I guess I'll just talk to myself, as usual.
I could always jump on the next plane.
I don't think that's a good idea, John. Let's give it some time, all right?
'If I miss you, I'll call. I promise.'
'What's the... what's the number there?'
What? Oh, the number...
'2-2-6-0-8. You got that?'
I'll give you a call later and find out...
I said I'll give you a call lat...
Hmm. That's strange.
Hi. God, you scared me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I just brought your supplies, I wanted to make sure you got 'em all right.
Well, I appreciate it, Mr...?
I mean, not Mr. Phil. Just Phil.
I'm sorry about the mess.
I'll clean it up, all right?
No, no, that's all right, I can do it myself.
Are you sure? Yes. Thank you.
Mr. Appleby tells me you're an American?
I was born in Detroit, grew up in Las Vegas, screwed up my life in gay Paris.
Business in Nicaragua, the Middle East.
So now you can call me a "bum", or a "citizen of the world".
Depends on how you look at it.
Oh, I see it as a writer.
I didn't introduce myself.
I'm Sian Anderson. Sian Anderson?
I've never heard of you, but I'm glad you're here.
I didn't expect to find any Americans around here this time of year.
Well, don't let that bother you.
Like Appleby says, I'm a loser and an absolute zero.
Mr. Appleby... he's a lovely old gentleman, but he's a little pompous.
He likes to put people down.
He do that to you?
He kept calling me "dear girl".
Calls me a lot worse.
That's because you work for him. I'm a paying guest.
So, you've been exiled or something?
Almost. I'm finishing a new book.
Please! I'm into mystery.
So am I.
What's your favorite weapon?
I never use them.
Uzis are in. Nice big magnums. They're exotic, as well.
Well, death is a whole lot different on paper.
Oh, it's easier, too.
I've killed off a couple hundred people so far.
Oh... that's not bad.
Look... if you need any technical advice on death, just give me a holler, I'm right next door.
"What was that sound?"
"Well, he was clearly following us."
No, Melanie wouldn't say, "Following us."
"Clearly tailing us."
You can't do this to me.
"Wonder what fatty is up to."
Idiot! A zero!
But you don't understand, I got no place left to go!
Get out of here!
It's like you're killing me, old man!
Get out, before I call the police.
"His mouth gaped in disbelief."
You crazy bast...
"He hit hard.
"But the man was dead."
Brilliant move, dummy.
As if he could see you.
You're right, John. I am nosy.
You weren't kidding, Elias, this sure isn't Chicago.
Are you looking for this?
Thank you. I got locked out.
You should stay inside, it's not safe out here.
No, Sian. He's dead.
He said he had a wife.
Do you understand English?
Is this Mrs. Appleby?
I'm Sian Anderson, I'm staying here at your house.
I'm the American.
Mr. Appleby... I...
Why, I think he's dead.
Hello? Thank you, operator.
Sian? Oh, thank God, John.
I've been trying to call you for three hours.
Good, don't talk, mm-hmm? Just listen.
Look, this is a terrible connection, can you talk louder?
Just listen, dammit!
Aman was murdered here. What?
Well, did you call the police? -I don't...
I don't know how to call the police, or even the operator.
You've got to help me What do you want me to do?
I don't know!
OK, call through the operator in the United States, maybe she can...
'Operator, may I help you?'
Hello, Operator. I want to make an urgent call to Greece.
I know the code, but we'll have to find the number from an operator there.
'I'm sorry, sir. Without a number I cannot place the call.'
This is an emergency, goddammit!
If you can't find an operator, we'll wake up the local police chief.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I scared you again, I am sorry.
Well, look, I just came by to tell you the phone lines are down.
Happens all the time.
It's the wind. You know what I mean?
They'll probably be down all night.
Oh, and the...
The lights could go out, too.
So you just lock the door after I leave, and don't worry because I'll be around.
Wait a minute.
If the guy's a killer, why would he walk into the house, hand me his key, and leave?
I'm probably wrong.
He's innocent, right?
Unless he wanted to wait until I got into bed, then he could just quietly sneak into my room and...
Why would he wanna wait?
He's probably innocent.
Or... he doesn't know that I know.
Or he does know that I know...
...and he just wants to take his time and enjoy it.
Calm down, Anderson.
Don't overdramatize it.
But he did say that the lights could go out, too.
How could the lights go out?
"Sterling Mann, "the hour that never was..."
So much for theories of innocence.
You son of a bitch.
Thanks a lot.
Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight.
Up above, the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.
Wish I may, wish I might.
Have this wish come true tonight.
Go to hell.
'Yes, I-I tried to reason with the experts at the supermarket, 'put no, no, they fought me at every turn, at every corner, 'up one aisle and down the next.'
'When the phone rang, you thought it was John, didn't you?
'Surprise! Bogey here.'
Who's John? Hmm?
Ah, come on, don't be so quiet.
Look, it was me, er... it was me who called before.
I just wanted to make sure that you are OK.
'Are you? Are you OK?
How about this wind, huh?
If I were you, I wouldn't go out in it because it can be a killer.
'You are scared, aren't you?
'Ah, don't be.
'I mean, I'm not gonna hurt you.
I just, er...'
I wanted to talk to somebody. I got nobody to talk to anymore.
Elias, the son of a bitch, he just left us.
You killed him. 'I did?'
Yeah, well, I guess... I guess I did.
You're insane. 'No, no, don't call me that.
'Look, I hate it when people say that about me.'
I mean, you don't understand. You don't understand a thing.
This is my home now.
He wanted me to leave, I protected it.
'Sian, listen, er...
'...I don't wanna hurt you.
'I mean, I, er...
'...I kinda like you, you know.'
So why don't you just, er...
...why don't you open the door and let me in, and we can talk, OK?
Just... you just keep your mouth shut, be quiet, and nothing happens, all right?
Just let me in. Please.
Go to hell.
I really don't wanna hurt you.
Why does everybody make me kill?
What if it's a trap?
Come on, John.
Hang up. Come on.
Of course, stupid.
They dial 0 for long distance here.
They don't dial 0 for operator.
There's a man after me.
He knows I saw him kill someone.
Did you reach the local police?
I have two operators working on that call, I've even tried calling direct.
Give me their number.
Hold on a second.
Come on, John.
Are you asleep?
You wanna play a game?
'All right, write this down...
'Sian? Sian, are you there?'
In case you hadn't noticed, the wind has died.
And so will you, Anderson.
'Sian, talk to me!'
It's nice to know there's life somewhere on this planet tonight.
Of course I speak English!
Mr. John from Los Angeles?
How is Los Angeles, Mr. John?
We have two here.
You want to speak with Mr. Kesner?
I've never heard of 'em.
Yes, I can hear you.
I'm an American.
No, no, I don't live around here.
I'm a seaman.
Stranded here on account of bad weather.
We'll look into it.
That's Elias' number.
Anybody who goes up there in this wind is either stupid, or crazy.
Or both. I'll tell you what...
Suppose we forget all the money you owe me...
...and suppose I go and check with Elias' wife, maybe even go all the way into Castro, just suppose...
...would it be worth it to you to give me back my passport and let me sail out of here?
You know what this is?
And you thought you were hot.
Who is it?
The name's Kesner, Miss Anderson.
Open the goddamn door!
Not until I know who you are.
Go stand in front of the window so I can see you.
All right, come on in.
Hell, lady, I thought you said, "Come in."
Having a party?
Yeah. A real blast.
I was at the police station in the village when some guy calls us from LA.
AW Jesus Christ, lady!
Why didn't you call us yourself?
It's a long story.
Sure. It always is.
In the first place, I didn't have the number.
Er... second place, even if I had it, I couldn't have called out.
See for yourself.
He's smarter than I thought he was.
It's got nothing to do with it.
As sane as they come.
I didn't imagine any of it.
Well, I just don't know, Miss Anderson.
I've been docking on and off here for five years now.
The place is like a cemetery.
And I know Phil and I don't like him, but... a psycho?
For God's sake, just look around.
You think I hallucinated this?
He was here.
He tried to kill me.
He's already killed two people, and if he gets the chance, he'll kill both of us.
This is real, Mr. Kesner.
I went to the village to check Elias' house.
His wife wasn't there...
...but I'd still like to take a look around.
Let's just get the hell out of here.
Why don't you just try to relax, Mrs. Anderson?
You're safe now.
Famous last words.
All the bulbs are out.
So, er... why don't you go find one?
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Mr. Kesner, are you all right?
That son-of-a-bitch generator almost electrocuted me.
Wires all over the place, it's a wonder Elias hasn't gotten himself killed.
I'm going to check out those corpses of yours.
You stay here.
Not on your life, I'm not staying here by myself.
You've done OK for the past seven hours, a few more minutes won't kill you.
I'm fun to be with.
OK, come on.
Phil, old buddy?
Are you here?
Mrs. Appleby's final resting place?
Of course, he knows I've been here.
Yeah, I'm positive.
It was in that closet.
Elias never looked so good.
Sorry, Miss Anderson.
OK, pack your toothbrush.
I'll be a minute.
You know, I never did like that guy.
I told Elias not to trust him.
He said, "Kesner, dear boy...
"...you're not gonna get anywhere with a philosophy like that.
“You don't have to trust anybody, as long as... labor's cheap."
I guess Elias' philosophy let him down.
Then you do believe me?
Well, like I said, I'll take a chance.
It's not a big one.
I'll take you back to the village.
Who's gonna look for the bodies?
He may be a killer, but he's not stupid.
He's probably gotten rid of all the evidence.
Thrown them in the ocean.
By the time they start looking for him, he's gonna be long gone.
Don't have anything to pin on him, anyway.
You're a strange man, Mr. Kesner, but I kinda like you.
Well... I kind of like you, too.
Yeah, but? But what?
But what, Kesner?
OK, here I am.
Come out and get me.
Come on, you little shit.
Come on! Come on.
Could you do me a favor?
Don't die quiet, OK?
Talk to me.
I've licked my wound.
It's fine now.
"Inside the walls, they came to an immense square.
“The square could, and had, held millions of people, “bounded on three sides by low market stalls, “souks, and buzzing with every kind of activity imaginable.
“he clenched his massive hands together, "raised them over his head
"then he glanced over his shoulder at Melanie for approval."
What is this shit? “The Perils of Pauline", Anderson?
'Smart, Sian. That's very smart.
'You discovered all my little ways of coming in and out, didn't you?
'Except for one.
'Now let's see how smart you really are, 'because I'm ready to pay you a final visit, Sian."
'Remember, the locked closets don't contain anything valuable.
'Just a few personal belongings: my son's hunting weapons.'
OK, Sian, you're gonna use this thing.
What the hell is it?
It's Italian, automatic. That's right.
Bruno Fabbiani used one in "The Bald Eagle".
Everybody's got a story.
If only you could fucking remember the research.
OK, let's load this baby.
Only four live ones. That's it.
OK, pal, I'm right here. Come and get me.
Like "Nightmare at Noon", it's a two-way street.
For Christ's sake, Lisa, you should've listened to me.
Look at that.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
All right. All right, all right already.
We're lost. So what?
Place looks like a ghost town.
Maybe we can spend the rest of the night here.
Why don't you go see if there's anybody around?
I can't find a phone booth!
What phone booth?
So I could turn into Superman, you bimbo!
There isn't a living thing in this goddamn place.
It's 6:30 in the morning, Bobby, did you think they'd be throwing a party, for Christ's sake?
They're probably asleep.
Like normal people.
Help me, please!
So long, Anderson!