There's Something About Mary (1998) Script

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His friends would say "Stop whining." they've had enough of that His friends would say "Stop pining, there's other girls to look at"

They've tried to set him up With Tiffany and Indigo But there's something about Mary That they don't know Mary There's just something about Mary

Well, his friends say "Look, life's no fairy tale"

That he should have some fun He's suffered long enough Well, they may know About domestic and imported ale But they don't know a thing about love Well, his friends would say He's dreaming and living in the past But they've never fallen in love So his friends need not be asked His friends would say, "Be reasonable" His friends would say, "Let go"

But there's something about Mary That they don't know Mary There's just something about Mary

When I was 16 years old. I fell in love.

Hey, Renise.

Hey.

So. What's up?

Cool.

So I was wondering, I don't know if maybe you wanted to and... Or not.

If you don't want to, you don't have to.

I just wondered if maybe you were going to the prom. And...

Or if you felt like that, maybe you'd wanna go with me.

Or, I mean. Whatever. If you didn't...

Did you take that bio test? Because that was, like...

I heard this rumor that this guy I like was gonna ask me...

...so I'm gonna wait and see what happens there.

That sounds great. Yeah.

Okay.

So is that, like, a yes or a no or...? I thought I made it perfectly clear.

If everything else falls apart...

...maybe.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

Hey, guys. Hey, Mary.

I wonder who she's going with.

Her name was Mary.

She moved to our little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two years earlier.

What a fox.

I heard she's going with some guy named Woogie.

Who? Big guy. Goes to Barrington High.

Woogie from Bore-ington High? Sounds like a loser.

Loser?

Woogie's only, like. All-state football and basketball and fucking valedictorian.

I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton, but he's going to Europe first to model.

Yeah? I was thinking of doing that.

Sorry.

Have you...? Have you seen my baseball?

No, no. Sorry, man. Haven't seen it.

Have you seen my baseball?

No. Sorry.

Hey, check it out.

Have you seen my baseball?

Hey, buddy. Come here. I think I know where your ball is.

You seen my baseball? Yeah, yeah. I seen it.

You see that girl over there?

She has it. except she doesn't call it a baseball.

She's got another name for it.

Nice muffs.

Have you seen my wiener? What?

Have you seen my wiener?

What the hell did you just say, buddy? Wiener?

Get your hand off my car. What the hell did you just say to me?

My wiener.

You fucking son of a bitch. I'm gonna fucking kick your ass.

Come on, get up, fat boy. Let's go. Hey, Smokey, take it easy.

Who the fuck are you? The guy's not all there.

Get out of my face. Come on. You want the first punch?

Yeah! Fight, fight. Fight! Fight. Fight. Fight!

What's the matter with you? Stop it.

You okay, Warren? Mary, have you seen my baseball?

No, I haven't seen your baseball.

What are you doing leaving the yard? You're not supposed to leave by yourself.

You know him? He's my brother.

I'm her brother.

Warren. I didn't realize. You know?

You ought to tell him to watch his mouth. Jerk.

Are you okay? Oh. Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay?

Thanks, Ted.

I couldn't believe it. She knew my name.

Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

I think that Joe Montana is, like. the most underrated quarterback.

I mean. He should've been a first-round draft pick.

Look what he did at Notre Dame. It's so ridiculous.

Exactly. I'm telling you, this year. It's the 49ers.

49ers. All the way.

Piggyback ride. Piggyback. Warren, stop it. Leave Ted alone.

No, that's okay, I'll do it. I mean. If you think he can hold me.

Are you kidding me? He's 230 pounds. he can hold you. You don't have to.

No, it's okay. I got a little disc thing, but it's all right. Here we go.

Giddyup. Warren. There we go.

That's fun, huh. Warren? He's a real Clydesdale, isn't he?

Yeah. Warren. Bucking bronco. Okay.

My turn now. My turn.

Okay, well. I don't... It's okay, Ted. You don't have to.

Giddyup. Giddyup. That's fun.

That's fun. Huh, Warren?

That was fun.

He's only 230. huh? Yeah.

I'm in the yard now. I'll hide. Okay, go hide.

He's got a lot of energy. Yeah.

He's great. I have a lot of fun with him. Yeah.

Thanks for walking us back. Yeah, no problem.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna... So are you going to the prom?

I think proms are dumb. I thought maybe we could go together.

Oh, you're gonna go with. Like, a bunch of people. or...?

Yeah. If you want a designated driver...

No, no. I mean you and me.

Like. We could go together. The two of us.

You and me? Yeah.

Well, is that a yes or a no?

Sure. All right. Good.

Cool.

I'm gonna take Warren back inside. I'll see you at school.

Bye. Cool. Catch you back at school.

From that moment on. The guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.

You're a fucking liar.

Do you expect us to believe that you're going to the prom with Mary?

What's so crazy about that?

Oh, yeah, dirt bud. and I'm going with Cyndi Lauper.

What happened to Woogie? She said she broke up with him.

That he was getting weird on her. I got 20 bucks that says you're full of shit.

Why not make it a hundred? Rock on.

I'm in. Me too.


I've paid him enough money. I'm not paying until the job gets done. He can kiss my ass.

What the hell do you want?

I'm Ted Stroehmann. I'm here to take Mary to the prom.

Prom?

Mary went to the prom 20 minutes ago with her boyfriend, Woogie.

Woogie? Woogie.

I see.

Charlie, you are so mean.

This is Mary's stepfather. Charlie. I'm Sheila. Her mother.

Ted, don't pay attention to anything he says. He's a laugh a minute.

That's very funny.

I'm just having a little fun with the guy. It's prom night.

Woogie's got a sense of humor.

Oh, hey. Hi, Warren.

Listen, once he gets into that MTV, he'll be there for quite a while.

Here she comes. Oh, honey. You look beautiful.

Shit, look at that. You better be careful. Boy.

Hi. Ted.

Hi. Mary. You look really pretty.

Thanks. I like your colors.

Oh, thanks. The guy said it was tan and taupe.

Poor Ted's been getting it both barrels from the wisenheimer here.

Dad. You haven't been busting Ted's chops, have you?

I was just fucking with him, right. Ted? You know.

Hey, Warren, did you say hi to Ted? About 10 times.

Okay.

Hey, Warren, I think I found your baseball.

You've seen my baseball? Well. If it's a big white one?

With little red stitching?

Yup, it is.

Then I think I saw it right behind your ear.

Warren. Warren. Warren. Hold it.

Get up, boy. Hey. Warren.

Be careful, man.

Get up. Man. Warren.

Let go of him. Get down from there.

Hey, Ted, what are you doing, man? Ted. Ted.

Warren. Put him down now.

What the hell are you doing? Here, here. Mary. Come around here.

This is my house. Here.

Okay, sweetheart. Okay. It's okay, Warren. It's okay. Here you go.

What's the matter with you? I was trying to give him the baseball.

Baseball? What baseball? I had a baseball. I know he likes baseball.

What baseball? There was a... It's right...

There was a baseball here. I swear.

I brought him a baseball. and I was just trying to give him a present.

Are you yelling at me in my own house? No.

Don't make me have to open a can of whup-ass on you.

Ted, I should have told you. He has a thing about his ears.

You all right. Warren?

Honey, your strap's broken.

You're right.

Hey, Ted, I'm just gonna go upstairs real quick. Okay?

I just need two minutes.

I gotta fix my dress. I'll help you, honey.

Yeah, yeah. Can I use your bathroom. Sir?

I've gotta...

He broke the table. Son of a bitch.

I didn't do it. It's all right. It's all right.

I swear there was... The bathroom is that way.

...A baseball.

Maybe I'll open up a can of whup-ass on him.

Trying to do the kid a favor.


Is he looking at you? What is he...?

What is he doing down there? Oh. No. I...

No, no, I wasn't... I wasn't... Mom, wait.

Cover yourself. Cover yourself. Shit!

Ted, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's okay.

Okay. Okay. Just take your time. It's all right.

You know, he's been in there over a half an hour.

Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

Oh. Come on. Mom.

He's not masturbating.

He was watching you undress with a silly grin on his face.

No, I was watching the birds.

Do something. What do you want me to do?

I think he needs some male help.

Oh. For crying out... No, Dad. Just give him a minute.

Okay, kid. Listen, I'm coming in. Okay? No, no. Don't.

Now. Exactly what the hell is the situation? What. Did you shit yourself?

Oh, I wish.

I got it stuck.

You got what stuck?

It.

Well, listen, it's not the end of the world. These kind of things happen.

Let's have a look at it.

Oh, for God and heaven's sake!

Quiet. Sheila.

No. Sheila, honey?

Don't...

Sheila. Honey, you gotta come here. You gotta see this.

What is it? What? No.

Come in here. Honey. No. No, don't.

Don't worry. She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what to do.

Hi, Ted. Hi, Mrs. Jensen. How are you?

You okay? Yeah.

Holy shit.

Charlie. You could have warned me. Keep it down.

Okay, I... I'm sorry, Mrs. Jensen.

I don't want Mary to... I don't want her to hear.

Yeah. Let's just relax here. Okay?

Now. What exactly are we looking at here?

What do you mean? What...? Well. I mean, is it the...?

Or the...?

Is it the frank or the beans? Right.

I don't know. It looks like... l think it's a little bit of both.

Franks and beans. Franks and beans. Warren, quiet.

What's that bubble there? What do you think? It's a...

Well, how the hell did you get the beans above the frank? I mean...

I don't know. It wasn't like it was a well-thought-out plan.

You know, there really does seem to be a lot of skin coming through there...

...so I'm gonna find some Bactine. Honey.

No. You know what? I don't need any. Really.

Hello there. Oh. Christ.

What the hell's going on here?

Neighbors said they heard a lady scream. Well. You're looking at him.

You gotta take a look at this thing.

Oh. Jesus. Ain't it a beaut?

What the hell were you thinking?

How the hell did you get the zipper all the way to the top?

Well, let's just say the kid's limber.

Christ. What the...? God. You okay?

Somebody's gonna have to move that station wagon so I can get in.

Lenny. Come here. Who...?

Take a look at what this numbnuts did.

Holy shit.

Mike, Eddie. Get down here quick. Bring everybody. Bring a camera.

You're not gonna believe this. We got a kid down here...

What's your name? No, I...

No, there's only one thing to do here.

What? No. You know what? I got an idea. Look. Look. I can just...

We don't have to do anything. Because. look. I can just wear this over the front.

I can go to the prom, deal with it later. Son. Relax.

You already laid the tracks. That's the hard part.

Now we're just gonna back it up.

Teddy. Be brave.

It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid.

A one and a two...

...and a...

We got a bleeder. Keep the pressure on it. Keep it on.

Everybody get out of the way.

He was masturbating. People, please move out of the way.

Please. Move. This is serious. People. He was masturbating.

Move out of the way. None of this ever happened to Woogie.

Are you okay. Ted?

Ted. He was masturbating.

My God. Are you all right? Killer.

Okay. Okay. Ted.

Okay, let's roll. All right, folks, it's over. Go home.

Let's go. It's over.

So anyway, school ended a couple of days later...

...and her father got transferred to Florida in July.

So I worked all summer to pay off those debts and...

...well. I never saw Mary again.

That was, what?

Thirteen years ago. Well. That's very interesting.

Anyway, I know it's not the type of thing you'd forget, but I guess I just...

I kind of, you know...

I must have blocked it out of my head or something...

...because I was driving down the highway last week...

...and I started thinking about Mary. and all of a sudden...

...it was like I couldn't breathe. I mean. I was... I was...

I felt like I was gonna die.

So I pulled off the road and I just sort of stopped in this...

I guess it was a rest area. I was just kind of shaking. And...

You know, rest areas are homosexual hangouts.

Highway rest areas.

They're the bathhouses of the '90s for many, many. Many gay men.

So. What are you...?

What are you saying?

Time, she's up.

We'll delve into that next week.

He called you gay?

Well, he implied it.

Well, you know, you are a writer, and writers are artists.

And, you know, most artists are...

...a little kind of... A little foofy. A little. You know...

Foofy and woofy?

Let me ask you a question. When you smoke a cigar...

...do you ever pretend it has balls? You know, like go:

Well, I mean. I have.

Haven't you?

I'll tell you what. I'm gonna set you up with my new assistant at work.

You're gonna love her.

I don't know. Let's face it, Dom. I'm in a slump.

I mean. Lately I've been feeling like...

Like...

Like a loser.

A loser? What the hell are you talking about?

Jesus. Do you remember five years ago when your kidneys failed?

Now. If you were a loser...

...would they have found a donor with a tissue match so quickly?

I don't think so. What are the odds of that, one in a million? Jesus.

Great. So I'm lucky because my brother died in an explosion?

I didn't say that. I said you're lucky those kids found his kidneys.

Look. Your brother Jimmy never gave a shit about you anyway.

Look. Come on, man. You're a real glass-is-half-empty kind of guy.

You, sir, have got a fucking guardian angel. You come here.

So I chili-dipped, three putt at the 18th. I lost it six ways.

He's a lucky bastard. Yeah, well.

Hey, guys. I thought you might like some of these with your beers.

Yes, indeed. Ted, help yourself. I don't think I'm gonna have one.

Thanks, though. You don't want one?

What do you want? You want something else?

Come on. You want something to eat? Not hungry.

You sure? You want a cookie? Something like that? Honey. We got cookies?

No, we don't, but, you know, I could bake some.

No, no, no. Don't bake any. No, that's a good idea.

Bake some. Bake some Toll Houses. Oh. Great. Yeah, yeah.

Chocolate chip or butterscotch? Let's go with the chocolate chip.

Really, you don't... It's... No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

Really. She loves this kind of thing. Really?

Yeah. See. That's great.

That's what I want.

A family and somebody to. You know...

It must be wonderful having all this.

Each day is better than the next.

How about you? The big L?

Ever been? What?

In love.

Well, once.

Mary.

Oh, God. Not Mary again.

Look. I know it was brief. but it was definitely love, Dom.

I mean. crushes don't last for 13 years, right?

Whatever happened to Mary?

Told you. She moved with her family to Miami.

So why don't you look her up?

I did once. I called. She wasn't listed.

So that's it? You get one bump in the road and give up?

Well, it's probably for the best. After 13 years...

...she's probably gonna think I'm a stalker.

You know what you should do? Hire a private investigator.

To find her, follow her around. She won't know anything.

No way. That's way too creepy.

Besides. She's probably married with a couple of kids by now. Girls like Mary...

...they don't stay single.

Hey, I've got an idea. There's this guy down in my office. His name's Healy.

He's a claims investigator. He's a hell of a bloodhound.

He shoots down to Miami every couple of weeks. He can help you out.

This guy runs a little hot, but he gets the job done.

So...

...Dom tells me you're looking for some lady friend you knew back at school.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's cute. I don't buy it. But it's cute.

You're not buying what?

Ted, I'm the kind of guy who likes to shoot from the hip.

I want you to level with me.

Come on. Let's talk. Did you knock this skirt up?

No.

She's blackmailing you, right? Blackmailing me? No.

You want her dead. Don't you? Dead?

Are you...? You're not serious. Are you?

You expect me to believe this is a straight stalker case? Come on.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a stalker, all right?

She's a friend of mine. Oh. Sure she is.

That explains why she's got an unlisted number...

...and you haven't heard squat from her in 13 years.

Yeah. Real chum.

What...? You're good, Ted. Real piece of work.

What are you...? You know what? Forget it. Just forget the whole thing.

Okay. I'll do it.

But if this chick turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over on you, big guy.

All right.

Healy, you dog.

Sully. Look at you.

You hot shit. You look fucking pisser.

Hey. Hey, good fella.

Does he bite? A little bit.

Get in.

Here's the info you asked for. Thanks.

You know, you should thank me. That girl was not easy to find.

What. Did she scam you out of some insurance dough?

No. Some guy gave me a couple bucks to track down his high school girlfriend.

Stalker, huh?

Yep. Big-time.

You would not believe all the pussy down here.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Yeah? You getting any? Nothing.

There you go.

Hey, shoes off. What the...?

Are you kidding me?

You... You are so full of... Look at this place.

Yeah, I'm doing okay. Doing okay?

I gotta get ready for work.

This pad. Those killer wheels.

Man, it looks like you really cleaned up your act.

Yeah. What can I tell you? It's a healthier lifestyle down here.

It's easier to succeed. You know. when your head is clear.

Yeah. Those guys back in Boston?

Oh, fucking animals.

Hey, what do you say we go out and grab a couple of pops before you go to work?

None for me. Buddy. I don't drink any more.

Yeah. You don't drink any less, right?

What the...?

That's Bill. Don't worry. I fed him last week.

Does he bite? Nips.

Nineteen months I've been straight.

Is that right? Good for you. Sully.

Yeah. It was hard at first, but I'm there. I'm there.

Hey, I'm proud of you. How about a frosty to celebrate?

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Sully. You were never an alky. You were a cokehead.

Yeah. But when you quit the nose candy. you gotta quit the booze too.

Who told you that? Sully, it's one... It's a lite beer.

Oh, the big. Bad beer's gonna get you.

It's you I'm worried about. You're worried about me?

Yeah. You gotta bend a little bit, or believe me. You're gonna break.

You think? Oh. Yeah.

You gotta learn to have a pop once in a while or you're gonna fall off the wagon.

You're being a fanatic.

Well, jeez...

...I don't wanna fall off the wagon. No.

I mean. Not after 19 months. Exactly.

Jesus. You know what? This shit doesn't even taste good to me anymore.

Fuck you then. You big pussy. I'll drink it.


Looks like we found your Mary. Ted.

Husband: negative.

Children and a Labrador: negative.

Tight little package: affirmative.

Good morning. Magda.

Hi, doll. You're in my light. Sorry.

So you've been out here all night again? Bet your ass I have.

This is an important job, neighborhood watch is.

Neighborhood watch. Is that what we're calling it?

Listening to perfect strangers' telephone conversations.

This only picks up cellular phones in a half-a-mile radius.

Meaning?

These are the people you live amongst. You got a right to know if they're creeps.

For instance. Do you know the guy in the green house down the street?

Yeah.

Cheating on his wife.

And I am not surprised. I am not surprised at all...

...because Puffy used to bark his balls off whenever he saw him.

And you know that Puffy, he only barks at the bad people.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go hit some golf balls and hook up with Warren...

...so try to get some sleep.

Okay. Bye. Doll. May I make a suggestion?

Try not drinking so early in the morning because you smell like a gin mill.

I smell like a gin mill?

Does Mommy? Does Mommy smell like a gin mill?

Hello.

Hey, Herb. How's it going? Apple for you today.

Thanks, Mary.

Have a good day. See you later. Looking good, honey.


Hi, Mary. Hey, Mrs. Bailey. How you doing?

Looks like we got a jock on our hands.

Here, you want the sports page? Thank you.

Take care now. Bye, guys. See you.


Yeah. Remember, I have two. Mary.

Yeah. You can have two halves. just like everybody else.

Yeah. That's good.

Will you marry me. Mary? I would love to. Jimmy.

But I'm already engaged to Freddie.

Who's Freddie? Me? Yes, you.

Will you marry me?

What about Dolores? You gonna marry us both?

I'm gonna kiss you.

I think you're making out pretty well there. Okay.

Thanks, Mary. You're welcome, Zack.

No onions. No onions.

No onions. How are you doing?

Listen to this one.

"Seeking sensitive Wasp doctor to share candlelit dinners...

...long walks in Coconut Grove, marriage."

Is she looking for a corpse? You have to be specific when you write.

You have to say "Seeking deaf-mute with, you know...

...3-pound cock and trust fund."

I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy...

...to take me and Warren to a ball game and eat hot dogs.

I'm talking sausage hot dogs. Beer. Not lite beer, but beer.

That's my ad. Print it up.

A fatty who likes beer and golf.

Jeez. Mary. where are you gonna find a gem like that?

Okay. Well. Here's the catch.

He has to be self-employed.

Like a drug dealer?

No, I was thinking along the lines, maybe, of somebody like an architect or something.

But I want somebody with freedom in their job, you know?

Somebody who can do it anywhere and just leave at a drop of a hat.

And where would you and your beer-bellied architect be going to?

The Super Bowl? Yeah.

That's good.

I don't know. Maybe a few months in Nepal.

Nepal.

And you'd probably dump the poor guy halfway to Katmandu.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you change your mind too much. No, I don't.

Come off it, Mary.

Remember that gorgeous, corn-fed white boy, honey...

...that you just dumped like yesterday's garbage?

What was his name? Pack man.

Okay. We had fun for a while.

Mary, cut the crap. What really happened with Brett?

Yeah. Brett seemed so sweet.

You know what Tucker said Brett told him?

He said that if Warren wasn't in my life...

...that he would have popped the question a long time ago.

Oh. Man. What a shock.

To hell with Brett. You know?

I've got a vibrator.

Hello? Hello?

Sully? Hello?

Sully, is that you? May I ask who's calling. Please?

Sully. It's me. Healy. What's going on over there?

Fucking Patrick Healy. You think your shit don't stink.

Well, I got news for you.

You're goddamn right it don't.

Hey, I wanna thank you for the other day.

You really helped me. You were right.

Hold, please.

I haven't even wanted a beer.

How are you, buddy? I'm fine.

I just wanted to let you know I'll have your car back to you in a couple hours.

I'm still staking out this bread's apartment. Hey.

Well, you were right. I was uptight. I was...

...tight.

You know who I miss? Those guys in Boston.

Hold on a sec.

Those are the plays of the month. Thank you for joining us.

Look forward to seeing you next Sunday on The Sports Machine. Have a good week.

Oh, yeah.

Here comes the money shot.

First chink in the armor, Ted.

Shit.

Oh, yeah.

Pop, you wanna get me a whiskey sour when you get a sec?

Whiskey sour coming up.

I got some excellent news for you. Oh. Yeah? Excellent?

I think your life's about to change. Really? So you found her?

Oh, yeah. And you were right, man. She really is something else. My God.

Really? So she hasn't changed at all. Huh?

Well, that I couldn't say. Let me ask you something.

Was Mary a little big-boned back in high school?

Big-boned? No, no, not at all. No.

I guess she packed on a few pounds over the years.

Oh, yeah? So she's a little...? She's a little chubby?

I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half. Not bad.

My. A deuce and a half. Huh?

Well, you know, you shit out a bunch of kids...

...and you're bound to put on a few pounds.

So she's...? She's married?

No, no, she's never been. That's the good news.

Yeah.

Four kids. Three different guys. but no rock.

Hyperactive little fuckers too.

Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

She's in a wheelchair? Mary's in a wheelchair?

I thought that was part of your kick.

Excuse me. I ordered a whiskey sour. Yeah, whatever.

Are you sure it's the same Mary? You got the right person?

Oh, yeah. It's Mary. All right. The brother. Warren?

Hey, don't look so shocked. Ted.

It's been a long time. I bet you've changed a lot over the last 13 years. Haven't you?

What, do you think your shit don't stink? No, I don't think... I mean, yes. It doe...

I don't... Okay, I got all the information you need.

I got it off her bookie. Nice guy.

You really should look her up, Ted. I mean. She's a real spark plug, this one.

Well, thank you. Thanks, Healy. Good work.

Ted, don't you want the name of the housing project?

What?

...For 1995.

See the Sarene boys on Route 1 in South Brattleboro...

...and right here on Jefferson Boulevard in Warwick. You'll be...

Well. It hurts from the bottom And it hurts down to your soul That's because true love is not nice

And it brings up hurt From when you were 5 years old That's because true love is not nice No Oh, pain. Pain. Pain Ain't that just love's name?

Love can bring up hurt From way down low It now be emphasized True love is just not civilized True love is not nice No, no

Where are you going?

Oh. I resigned. Good luck in Miami, Pat.

Miami? What are you doing in Miami?

I took a job offer.

With who?

With Rice-a-Roni.

Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

It was.

They're changing their image. Yeah, well, listen.

I've been thinking about what you said. Good. Good.

And I still wanna look her up.

Who? Roller pig? Are you nuts?

I thought you said she was a real spark plug.

No, no, I said butt plug. She's heinous.

You know what? All the same. I think I wanna call her.

I mean. I know it sounds crazy...

...but. I don't know. maybe I can help her out.

I feel bad, you know. The poor thing. she's in a wheelchair for God's sakes.

It's a bunion. It'll heal. Bunion? You... I thought...

You know what? That's not even it. The point is. I just...

I know this doesn't make sense to you, but I can't just turn it off that fast.

I guess I still have feelings for her.

This girl really means something to you. Huh?

All right.

Tell you what.

I'll get you her number as soon as she gets back from Japan.

Thank you, I appreciate...

Japan? What's happening in Japan? Why is she going to Japan?

You've heard of mail-order brides, haven't you?

Well. They go that way too. Mary's a...?

What are they, desperate? She's a whale.

Don't forget. It's a sumo culture. They pay by the pound there.

Sort of like tuna.

What happened to...? You said she was single.

Remember. No rock? You had your window. Ted. You blew it.

I had my window?

I'm sorry, buddy. It's just, you know, you're taking this all wrong.

Okay? I mean, come on. You're liberated. I feel liberated.

I mean. You're in therapy thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever...

...and it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper...

...was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Say it a little louder? I'm sorry, but it was.

I never told you that.

Christ. Ted. I was only four towns away.

Excuse me. Oh. Sure, sweetheart.

Oh, man. I gotta go.

I gotta get up at 6 a.m. and help my boss's brother move into his apartment.

Your boss's brother? Who's that? I don't even know. I never met him.

Ted, you gotta finish that novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.

Yeah.

Nice swing.

Christ. Hit a house.

I haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

Would you mind giving me some pointers here?

Yeah. Sure. Don't talk in someone's backswing.

Oh, thanks.

I'm gonna go get a soda. You want one? No, thanks.

Look. I'm sorry to bother you again. but you got change of a dollar?

No.

All I got are these damn Nepalese coins.

You've been to Nepal?

Not in months.

I don't even know why I bought the damn place.

Nice meeting you again. You too. Again.

So. What's your name?

Pat Healy.

Wanna know mine?

I already know it, Mary.

How'd you know that?

Because it's right there on your golf bag.

Damn.

Wow. Are those blueprints?

Oh, these? They're just some projects I'm working on.

Museum, hospital for kids.

Really? Are you an architect?

Just till I get my PGA tour card.

No, I mean. Are they putting up some sort of a new museum in town. or...?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm sort of burnt-out on talking about it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just a job. Really. Something to keep me moving.

My real passion is my hobby. Really? What's that?

I work with retards.

Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

Well, the hell with that.

No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

No, I mean... We got this one kid. Mongo.

He's got a forehead like a drive-in movie theater. He's a good shit...

...so we don't bust his chops too much.

So one day. Mongo gets out of his cage... What, they keep him in a cage?

Well. It's just an enclosure. No, but they keep him confined?

Right, yeah. That's bullshit.

Well, that's what I said.

So I went out and I got him a leash. A leash?

Yeah. One you can hook on to the clothesline and he can run back and forth...

...and there's plenty of room for him to dig and play.

That kid has really... He's really blossomed, you know?

Now I can take him to movies...

...baseball games.

You know, fun stuff.

Yeah. Sounds cool.

Oh, yeah, it's cool for them. but for me, it's much more than that.

For me, it's heaven. You know?

Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I've got going in this...

...crazy world.

Hey, dipshit. be careful with that thing, will you?

What? You heard me.

You already put a fucking nick in my piano.

Well, I'll try to be a little more careful.

What. Are you fading? You wimping out on me?

It's just that this is a little bit heavy. that's all.

Heavy? What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like...

...you insensitive prick.

No, I didn't mean that. Yeah, yeah. I'm going down the street...

...to get coffee. Wait. I'll get you the coffee.

Could you just...? Hey, I'm sorry.

Hey, you!

You with the furniture. Hey.

I'm Steve Tyler with The Troubleshooters. Oh. Yeah. Hey.

Do you know your truck is parked in a handicapped zone?

Oh. It's okay. The guy who... You don't look very handicapped to me.

Why would you do something like that? I'm not handicapped. But the guy who has...

Are you getting this? Make sure you get a close-up on his face.

There's a handicapped guy. he's got an electric wheelchair.

There's a disabled schmuck who's in a wheelchair. He's coming back.

Tender facial tissue left of L7.

Hey, Bob?

Remember Mary?

Oh, yeah.

I remember Mary.

Hey, I saw her a couple months ago at a convention in Las Vegas.

How could you see her at a convention?

Well, I'm a chiropractor. she's an orthopedic surgeon.

She's a what?

She's an orthopedic surgeon. and...she's still a fox.

What if the families don't want a class action?

God, that's what I've been trying to explain to you people for the last hour.

Okay. Fine, we'll go over it again. I...

Mary's a fox.

What? What?

Mary's a fox? What are you...?

Folks, here, let's... We'll break up. We'll spitball this tomorrow, okay?

What the hell are you talking about? Mary? My Mary?

She's not in Japan. She has no rug rats running around.

My friend says she's a fox. A surgeon fox.

I don't get it. I don't know what you're... Healy...

Think about it. He never even looked her up down there.

He was there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time.

What's up with your head?

Oh, I get hives tap-dancing for these idiots.

I get a little stressed out.

Jeez. You know. I feel like a royal shit because I set you up with this guy.

You know what you gotta do. You gotta call her.

Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. ASAP.

So who's the lucky guy?

His name's Pat. Met him at the driving range.

Is he good-looking?

He's no Steve Young.

So. What is he like?

I don't know.

Kind of a mook. A schlep.

Why the hell are you going out with a schlep?

It's not like that, Magda. You know. It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

I don't watch the new ones.

Well, you should because it's probably the greatest love story of our time.

The point is. Is that love isn't about money...

...or social standings or age.

It's about two people connecting, having something in common.

You know, kindred spirits.

Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy here is gonna tell you...

...everything you need to know about that guy in about two seconds flat.

If Puffy starts yapping. He's a loser.

If he likes him. Honey, then you've got yourself a keeper.


Yeah. Pufferball likes it when I rub his belly.

That is amazing.

He doesn't like anybody. He never usually likes guys.

He doesn't like bad guys. Is that right?

He can tell that you're an animal nut.

You are. Aren't you? You got me pegged.

You know, in Nepal. the villagers there called me kin ton ti...

...which means "noble man who is loved by many animal...

...who, in kind, he loveth too."

Would you like a cup of tea or something?

I'd love a brewski if you got one.

We can do that.

Hey, Magda. why don't you help me in the kitchen?

Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Certainly. Of course.

Puffer doesn't like bad guys, does he?

Puffer?

Puffer, come on. Boy.

Would you like a little clam dip, doll?

No, thank you. I'd love a Bundt cake if you have one.

Bundt cake? Bundt cake?

One, two. Three. Four. Five.

One, two. Three...

Hey, Pat. Do you want a Budweiser or a Heinie?

Yeah. Whatever.

Come on. Puffer. Stay away from the light.

Okay. I'll just get you a regular.


All set?

Good pooch.

All we had were some Oreos. How does that sound. Honey?

Oh, my God.

He's got him wrapped up like a baby.

He was... He was a little chilly.

Well, here we are.

The museum? Yeah.

I thought we were going to dinner. We will, but I have a surprise.

A surprise? Yeah, it's the architecture exhibit.

Architecture exhibit? Yeah.

I gotta eat something or I get the shakes. We'll eat in 20 minutes.

My friend Tucker is upstairs. I want you to meet him.

He's an architect too. Come on. Yeah. Architect?

Tucker.

This is amazing. This just blows me away.

What do you think this falls under? Is this art deco. Or is it art nouveau?

Deco. Deco. Yeah. Yeah.

It's beautiful.

Is this...? Okay. Is this a vestibule. Or is it a portico?

What is the difference?

When you're looking at architecture, try to visualize the buildings as a whole.

You know, try to see them in their natural state.

In their totalitarianism, so to speak.

Stone-crab time. Let's go to Joe's, huh? Hey, Tucker.

Mary.

How are you?

Good. I'm glad we saw you.

Come on. Like you mean it.

Tucker. This is my friend Pat Healy.

Oh. It's a pleasure to meet you. Patrick. Same here.

Pat is an architect as well. Oh. Really?

Where are your offices? Mainly. I work out of Boston.

Boston, huh?

Did you get your degree up there? You bet.

Really? Where did you study?

Harvard.

Then you must have studied under Kim Green.

Well, among others.

You know, Pat does projects all over the world.

Really? Where would I have seen your work?

Well, have you been to...?

Well, let me see.

Santiago. Chile?

Twice last year. Which building is yours?

Are you familiar with the soccer stadium? Did you build the Estadio OlĂ­mpico?

No, just down the street. the Celinto Catayente Towers.

It's quite a fine example. In fact.

I recommend next time you're up that way...

...that you drop in and take a ganders at it yourself.

You know, I really should take your card. Sure.

As I live and breathe. Will you excuse us for a second?

I'll call you. Okay? Hey, Earl.

Earl Stein, you old sheep-fucker. How the hell are you?

My name's Brian.

Good one. What the hell are you doing out here, Earl?

No, no. My name's Brian.

Brian Mone.

Oh, I see. Okay, yeah. Whatever you say. "Brian."

I'll see you at the office, huh?

I'll tell you some stories about this weirdo.

You know that guy?

Hey, thanks for picking me up. Man.

Yeah. No problem. I've been driving for like 15 hours straight...

...so I could use the company.

I know what you mean. I've been standing in the same spot for five and a half hours.

You know they made it illegal to hitchhike in this state?

Really? That must make it really tough.

So. What's going on with you? You a salesman, or...?

No. No. I'm nothing.

I am.

Yeah? I'm a salesman.

I'm gonna start my own company. Really?

You want in?

No. I'm not...

I don't really have any. you know, money, or...

You heard of this thing, the 8 Minute Abs?

Yeah, sure, 8 Minute Abs. yeah. The exercise video.

Yeah. Well. This is gonna blow that right out of the water. Listen to this.

7 Minute Abs.

Right. Yes. Okay, all right. I see where you're going.

Think about it. You walk into a video store. see 8 Minute Abs sitting there...

...there's 7 Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

I would go for the 7. Yeah. Bingo. Man. Bingo. 7 Minute Abs.

And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8 Minute folk.

You guarantee it? How do you do that?

If you're not happy with the first seven minutes...

...we're gonna send you the extra minute free.

See, that's it. That's our motto. That's where we're coming from.

That's from A to B.

That's right. That's good. That's good.

Unless. Of course, somebody comes up with 6 Minute Abs.

Then you're in trouble, huh?

No. No. No. Not six.

I said seven. Nobody's coming up with six.

Who works out in six minutes?

You won't even get your heart going. Not even a mouse on a wheel.

Good point. Seven's the key number here.

Think about it. 7-Elevens. Seven dwarfs. Seven, yeah.

Seven, man, that's the number.

Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch...

...eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch.

You know that old children's tale from the sea.

It's like you're dreaming about Gorgonzola cheese...

...when it's clearly Brie time, baby.

Step into my office.

Why? Because you're fucking fired.

Yeah. You know what? I gotta pee. I'm gonna pull over.

Your car seats are making me itchy. Man. What are these made out of, cactus?

I'm only waiting seven minutes total.

Hey, wait your turn. Sorry. I didn't get a...

We gotta get out of here. Wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

This is a raid. No. No, no, no. I was peeing.

That's what I was doing. I was just peeing.

I was peeing too. Yeah, I'm sure you were all just pissing.

Let's go. Let's move it out. Let's go. In the truck. Everybody.

Holy Shit. Jimmy Shay, is that you?

No, really... Oh. My God.

Ted?

If you let me talk to you for one second outside of the truck.

Into the truck. Get in the truck. Look, I still have to pee. I wasn't...

Let's go. Can I have a cup?

See, hon? I told you he was gay.

We'll be right back with more Cops, live from the heartland.


That grandmother of yours is really something.

Who. Magda? No, Magda's not my grandmother.

She rents the apartment next door. Her husband died a couple years ago...

...and I don't think she likes being alone, so. You know. She just hangs out.

Doesn't cramp your style? Sadly, no.

You know, sometimes I wish I could be like Magda and not go home.

Yeah. I'd like to bounce around for a while and do some traveling.

I don't know why anybody would wanna bounce around...

...you know. If they had their own condo in Nepal.

I'd be there in a second. I'd sell it.

Yeah? Yeah. Start fresh in a new place...

...give up the architect game.

Slow things down a bit. read more books. See more movies.

Are you a movie buff?

Well, I try to be. But it's tough going with all the crap they make today.

I guess I just wish they made movies like they used to make.

You know, classics like The Karate Kid or Harold and Maude.

Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite movie.

Don't bust my chops. I know it's corny... Pat. I'm not kidding.

I think Harold and Maude is one of the greatest love stories of our time.

Here I thought I was the only one.

You're too good to be true. Come on. Let's go dance.

Hey, guys.

So...

Yeah, well, I guess this is it. Huh? I guess.

I'll see you around. Okay.

Mary? Yeah?

Forget it. What?

No, no, it's stupid. What? Come on. You can say it.

No, really. It's moronic. Just say it.

Can I feel your bosoms before I go?

Knock yourself out.

Okey-doke. So tomorrow night? Sure.

Man, they never look like you'd expect. do they?

That's probably how he got his victim to drop his guard.

Where'd they find the body?

In a big red bag on the front passenger seat.

All hacked up.

Gruesome.

Real psycho, this one.

Hey, you're a little worked up. Let me do the talking.

I'm Detective Stabler. This is Krevoy. Look, I didn't solicit any sex, okay?

This is a huge misunderstanding.

I was going out to pee. I'm walking in the bushes...

...l trip over this guy. and there were all these cops and...

Ted, Ted. Ted. It's okay. We believe you.

The problem is. we found your friend in the car.

Oh, the hitchhiker?

That's what this is about? The hitchhiker?

Oh, great. Just my luck.

I get caught for everything.

So you admit it?

Yeah. Guilty as charged.

Look. I know that you guys have got a job to do. All right?

And I'm really sorry. I did it. I admit it.

You know, the guy even told me. The hitchhiker told me it was illegal, so...

Well...

...can you tell us his name?

No, I didn't catch it.

Can we cut to the chase? I mean, am I. Like, in a lot of trouble here. or...?

First. Tell us why you did it.

Why I did it?

I don't know. Boredom?

Guy turns out to be a blabbermouth.

Just would not shut up. I mean, just...

Ted, this wasn't your first time. Was it?

No.

How many are we talking here? Hitchhikers? My whole life?

I don't know. Twenty-five. 50. I mean. Who keeps track?

Hey, I know this is the Bible belt, but where I come from...

...this is not that big a deal.

I mean... You son of a bitch.

You're gonna fry.

Hey. Hey. Take it easy. Cut it out. What the hell are you doing? Take it easy.

You okay? What the hell is wrong with you?

You all right? Punk.

Jesus.


Your friend Tucker stopped by.

Really?

Okay. Hey. What does it look like today?

It's fine. A little crazy in the afternoon.

Hey, Tucker.

What's up. Doc?

You look different. Did you do something with your hair?

The teeth. The teeth. I got them capped.

Oh, yeah? Hey, they look great.

You don't think they look a little big? No, not at all. The bigger the better.

But they could be brighter.

There's nothing more sexy to me than a guy with a mouthful of big pearly whites.

Really? Yeah.

Come here. You ever had one up the hatch in here?

Tucker. Behave yourself. I'm sorry.

What can I do for you today. My friend?

I wanted to talk to you about your friend Patrick.

He's a nice guy. Huh?

Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. How long have you known him?

Not very long, but I like him.

Well, I know he's a little different. but that's what I like about him.

He dresses like a complete dork.

He chews with his mouth open.

He hardly ever says the right thing, and he probably farts too.

That's what you're looking for, is it? A farter?

No, I'm looking for a guy.

Look. It's just that something struck me as strange about him last night.

He gave me this funny vibe.

Anyway, I called some friends up north...

...and they've never heard of an architect named Patrick Healy.

And he's not listed as a Harvard alumnus.

Fuck! Really?

That's strange. Yes, I thought so.

Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm being meddlesome.

It's just that I think you should be careful with this guy. That's all.

I mean. Let's face it.

You're beautiful. And you've got money, and you trust people.

I'm just saying, there's a lot of psychos out there.

Just be careful. Fucker.

Look. Tucker, thank you. I really appreciate you looking out for me.

Okay. Listen. I'll call you.

Okay. Okay.

Damn.

You want me to get those for you? No. I have to learn to do this myself.

Damn.

My leg. Could you. Mary?

Thank you.

Wait. Wait.

There.

See? Yeah.

I knew I could do it. I see. Here, let me get the door.

Thank you.

See you later. Goodbye.

Jane. Can you get the door for Tucker, please?

Do you...? You want me to...?

No. I've done this a thousand times. Okay.

Mr. Stroehmann...

...on behalf of the entire South Carolina Law Enforcement community...

...l would like to apologize to you for any pain or temporary inconvenience...

...that you may have been caused.

At approximately 10:40 this morning...

...a man was apprehended not far from where you were arrested.

He was identified as an escaped mental patient...

...and subsequently he confessed to the murder you're being held for.

Lab tests confirm a fingerprint match.

You mean I'm free to go?

No harm. No foul.

Oh, by the way, there's someone there to see you.

Shut up.

You are a lucky son of a bitch. you know that?

I am? Yeah. Didn't they tell you?

That hitcher was about to cut your throat before you decided to take a piss.

Had a fucking horseshoe up your ass, my man.

You got that nervous-hive thing again?

Yeah. Yeah. I do. Ted, because I got some bad news.

Are you okay?

Ted, I'm dying.

Oh, my...

Ted, I'm not dying, man. Come on.

Jesus. It's just the humidity down here or something. Come on.

No. No. Ted. The bad news I got is about our friend Healy.

I sent my assistant to his apartment with his last check.

The landlady said when he came back...

...he kept talking about falling for some doctor named Mary.

Mary? My Mary? Well...

Ted, here's Healy's address down there.

In the future, do a little research before you send a guy like that out into the woods.

I mean. Jesus Chris, it's creepy. Okay?

You're not thinking about going out with this guy again?

Mary, honey. He's a psycho.

Mary, the guy's full of shit. Jesus. This sucks.

It's too bad this had to happen.

He was almost perfect.

Mary, what did you say Pat's last name was?

Healy. Come here. Come here, come here.

Come on. You gotta hear this. What?

That's the way us Healys were raised. So where the hell are you, Healy?

I got a date tonight with that Mary girl I told you about.

The sawbones? Yep.

Oh. My God. We hit the mother lode. You guys...

...should we be listening to this?

She still think you're a fucking architect? Oh. Yeah.

Dumb shit.

Mr. Perfect. Huh?

Hey, watch your mouth. She's a great gal, Mary.

I'm the dumb shit for lying to her. Why didn't you just tell her the truth?

I don't know.

I guess it seems that women today are more impressed by the almighty buck...

...than some schmo who's spent 17 years scraping by on Peace Corps wages.

Jesus. Man.

If she's as special as you say. she's gonna wanna hear...

...about the things you did.

"You could tell her about the irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan.

The orphan babies who cried in your arms in...

...Romania.

The hope you gave Freddy the leper in Calcutta."

I'll be honest with you. I'm a selfish prick.

I get a high from helping all God's creatures.

An honest-to-goodness high. I did all those things for myself.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's bullshit, man.

Hey. Hey, you were on the front line.

You remember? The malaria, the typhoon fever?

That vicious strain of genital herpes?

Fuck.

Yeah, I cured all sorts of horrible illnesses in Third World countries.

But the bottom line is, I'm not gonna use my philanthropy as some kind of currency.

Especially after what I did.

I lied to that poor girl.

Lied, man.

Well, love will make you do...

...fucked-up things.

You said it, mister. I gotta run.

We're dicks.

Come here. Baby. Come here. Sweetheart.

I'll feed you and Bill soon. Come on. Honey.

It's him. It's him.

Oh, hi. Mary.

Hello.

Mary, look.

Look. There's something I have to tell you.

I'm not the architect you...

Okay, guys, let's huddle up. Come on, Jimmy.

Jimmy, I'm open. Hit me. Come on.

Exceptional, my ass.

Looks like I double-jumped you. Warren, for the win. Pay up, big guy.

Coconut. Yeah, very good. Coconut.

Coconut.

Where's the rest of it, Warren?

Look at her.

She's more beautiful than I remember. She's perfect.

Thanks for picking up the lunch tab, Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet.

I feel like a dog. Don't worry about it. It was fun.

Fuck me.

How's my stomach taste?

"How's my stomach taste." she says.

Holy shit. Look. Look. There's Warren.

Franks and beans.

Frank and beans. Warren, you just ate.

Leave him alone. He's just got a big appetite. Right, Warren?

I said you got a big...

Warren. Warren. Warren.

Yes.

Listen, you can't touch his ears unless he trusts you. I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Not to worry.

So I'll see you tonight. Right? Sure.

Come here. Warren. You okay?

He broke it. I saw.

Okay. What are you waiting for? Let's go.

What? No. I don't know what to say. What are you talking about?

Tell her the truth about Healy. Blow the schmuck out of the water.

No, I can't.

I unleashed the psycho on her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.

Mary. Mary. No, no. Stop.

Mary?

Mary? Is that...? It is you.

Who is that? Hi. It's Ted.

Ted?

Yeah. Ted from Rhode Island. Ted.

Te...? Oh. My God. Ted.

Hey. Good. How are you? It's good to see you.

Good to see you. How you been?

I'm...

I haven't seen you since...

Yeah. Since...

Senior prom. That's right. Senior prom.

You got a great memory. Oh, man. That was...

Haven't thought about that in years. Yeah.

So how's everything?

Everything. You know. Oh. That's fine.

I was in and out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.

It was not a big deal at all.

Now I'm good. Strong like bull. Really good.

Hey. Hi, Warren. Hi, Ted.

How are you? I'm... How are you?

I can't believe that he remembers you. Piggyback ride?

Oh, piggyb... No. You know what? I'll take a rain check this time. Okay?

He never remembers anybody.

It's amazing. Yeah.

So. What are you doing here?

Do you work here. Or...? Yeah, no, this is my office.

Well, it's up there.

So yeah. I was just out on my lunch break with Warren. It's crazy.

What are you doing here? Well. That's a funny story.

I was... I decided to...

I got in the car with my friend. and we just...

We came down to Florida, right?

Right.

Well, you look great. You look really good.

I mean. What's the story? Are you married? Do you have kids?

No. No. Dodged a few bullets. Yeah?

Yeah. God. This is just so bizarre.

I'm standing here with Mary Jensen. No, no, now it's Mary Matthews.

Oh, did you...?

No, no, no. I haven't walked down that plank yet, no.

But it was this thing in college.

This creepy guy who...

Anyhow. There was a restraining order. It got kind of ugly...

...and after Princeton. I decided, "You know what? Be cautious.

Change your name. Just kind of leave that behind."

Right. Right. Just didn't need that.

That sounds horrible. It was... Yeah.

It was. But it's over. I think. So it's good.

Hey, what are you doing tonight? Do you think you wanna, I don't know...

...go out to dinner? You know, catch up on old times?

Didn't we just do that?

I'm fucking with you. Ted.

No, listen, I'd really... I'd like to.

It'd be great. but I sort of already have plans tonight.

But I'm free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure. Or, you know...

Or you could blow off that jerk you're going out with tonight...

...and come out with me.

What hotel are you staying at?

The Cardozo.

Pick you up at 8? Sure.

Okay. Okay.

Cool. See you. Bye.

Look closely at this picture Ted and Mary like before Can you see her as Ted sees her And why he couldn't wait no more?

And if you still think he's being silly Then you've still got more to see Because this isn't just a date, folks This is chemistry And Mary Well, there's just something about Mary

Banana, banana.

We're gonna be buying bananas tonight.

Why's that?

Back when I was your age. I always used to make myself a big banana split after sex.

I think you're gonna need one tonight.

Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll be eating a banana split before I do.

Don't bet on it.

Last time I had a Pap smear...

...the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

I am a little psyched.

I ran into this guy I haven't seen since high school.

An old flame? Kind of. Ted Stroehmann.

The sweetest guy in the world.

I mean. He was so cute.

He was so shy and clumsy, and he had this huge mouth full of metal.

You know how I like braces.

Anyhow. We're going out tonight.

Oh, no.

God, that reminds me. I have to call and cancel with what's-his-face.

What's-his-face?

Wait a minute. do I sense a chill in the air?

Oh, Magda.

I let my head get in the way of this one.

You know, I always pick guys from what I feel in here.

But for some reason with Pat, I kept saying to myself:

"Mary. Grow up. You have so much in common with this guy.

You'll learn to feel something for him." But...

...it just didn't happen.

Who is it? It's Tucker.

Tucker. Hello. How are you?

Good. How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

Look who's here. There she is.

I brought you a little thirst quencher, Mag.

Oh. Are you sweet. No, I'm not.

I just wanna get you drunk so you'll pass out...

...and I can give Mary a good rogering.

You want me to pour you one? Thanks, but I have to be going.

Unfortunately. This is not a social visit. Really? What's up?

Well, I've got a little more news about your friend Healy.

Tucker, everything's okay.

He confessed everything. He told me he's not an architect.

You were right. But right now. I'm actually running behind...

Mary, the man's a killer.

What? Yes.

I have a friend in the Boston Police Department.

He faxed me this this morning. I'll just give you the highlights.

After a short stint as a petty thief...

...Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery by the age of 14.

At 16, he committed his first murder.

A pretty teacher's aide named Molly Pettygrove.

He was incarcerated until the age of 22, when, despite a grim psychological profile...

...the state was forced to release him.

In his mid-20s and again in his early 30s...

...he was suspected of homicides in the states of Utah and Washington.

Unfortunately. the bodies were so badly decomposed...

...there wasn't enough evidence to hold him. And so on and so forth.

What am I gonna do? I'm supposed to meet this guy in an hour.

Well, just calm down. Everything's going to be fine. Don't worry.

Tucker.

Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

I'm so lucky to have you as a friend.

Yes. Well. Don't get all gooey on me. Now. You're gonna give me a big head.

See, the important thing, doctor...

...is you have to distance yourself as much as possible...

...without pissing this psycho off.

Okay.

All right. I know what I've gotta do. I know what I gotta do. Where's the phone?

You're gonna pay, fucker.

I don't know. Dom.

I don't feel good. I feel nervous. I really feel nervous.

Oh, come on. Relax. Relax.

You been to the cash machine? Yeah.

Car clean? Plenty of gas?

Breath. How's your breath? It's fine. I had some Altoids.

All right. I think you're all set. So just go clean the pipes and it's a go.

You know, clean the pipes.

What do you mean, clean the pipes?

You choke the chicken before any big date. Don't you?

Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date.

Oh, my God. He doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date.

No. Are you crazy?

That's like going out there with a loaded gun.

Of course that's why you're nervous.

Oh, my dear friend. Please sit. Please.

Look. After you've had sex with a girl and you're lying in bed with her...

...are you nervous?

No. No, you're not. Why?

Because I'm tired.

Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby batter on the brain any more.

Jesus. That stuff will fuck your head up.

Look.

The most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes...

...after he's blown his load.

That is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid.

You're actually... You're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

Holy shit.

I've been going out with a loaded gun.

People get hurt that way.


Healy. How smashing to see you.

You're dead, motherfucker. Okay. Take it easy.

Who the fuck do you think you are, making that shit up about me?

It's that stalker. Ted.

He got ahold of you. Didn't he?

You're working for him. Aren't you, you little shit?

Who?

Either you come clean, or I'm gonna kick your fucking ass.

I love her. Man.

What? You heard me. Goddamn it.

I love Mary. Man.

I'm a phony. Just like you.

What do you mean? I mean I'm a fucking fraud.

I'm no architect. Don't be a putz, man.

Who's been to Santiago, Chile. twice in one year?

I've never even been to Jersey. Okay, okay. Just take it easy.

Wait a minute. You knew those people back at Harvard.

Fuck. I knew shit, man.

The only thing I knew was that you were a fake...

...and I made up everything else.

My real name's Norm.

I'm a pizza-delivery boy.

Here. Look. Here's my ID.

Fuck me.

Hey, boy. How about the pizza, huh?

Yeah? Well. Fuck you.

Calm down. Honey.

Hey, you want your pizza? Here. Man.

Excuse my friend.

He's had a little too much to drink.

Yeah. Yeah.

Keep the change.


Where the hell did it go?

Hang on. Wait a second.

Hello. How you doing? Hey. Hi. Good. How are you?

Good. Good.

You are looking very beautiful.

Thank you.

What is that?

On your ear.

Ear? No, your left ear.

Is that...?

Is that hair gel?

Yeah. Great. I could use some.

No, no, no. You don't have to. You don't... No, really.

I just ran out.

How we doing over here? Okay.

Little more wine? Sure.

So when you say killer. You mean...

He's a murderer. Yeah. Like, an actual convicted murderer?

He killed people. I know. It's crazy.

And. What. Did he ever go to jail. Or he's...? Yeah, in Boston.

He spent... I don't know how long. He got out?

Well, it's obvious. The system sucks.

The guy's walking the streets. I'm kissing him.

Right, but you didn't do anything else, right?

What? I mean. You didn't...

No, no, no. No, okay.

God, I couldn't live with myself. No, I mean...

I only went out with him a couple times. but, you know, just the thought of that...

I shouldn't be putting this all on you. I'm sorry.

We haven't seen each other in so long. No, it's just I feel really bad.

I'm tired of talking about stalkers. Let's talk about you.

Are you okay? Yeah?

Do you want some water? No, I'm good.

So then in '94, I went back to Dade Community College for a semester.

And when the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through, I hooked up with Peking Pizza.

Hey, Cat, how about a couple of brews over here, man?

Hey, get the fuck out of here.

I told you 20 times you're not welcome here anymore.

Hey, hey, hey. You. where's that coming from?

It's coming from you always skipping out on your tab.

Hey, I got cash.

Okay. Norm.

You pay. I'll pour. In that order.

Hey, Tracy, how are the twins? Fuck you, Norm.

That's it, I like it when you talk dirty to me. Man.

Here you go, big guy.

Come on. Cough it up. Chompers.

Thanks.

So how the hell did you meet Mary?

It was just dumb luck, really.

I delivered a pie to her and she answered the door in her nightgown...

...and, wow. That was it for me.

I went home that night, shaved my beard. And a week later...

...I'm laid out in her office with a broken back.

Broken back? How'd you do that?

A friend. Baseball bat.

Touché.

You want another one?

Sure. Yeah. Hey, Docky.

Couple more nitrate-sicles. Please. Two corn dogs coming up.

You know, I don't think that they have enough meats on sticks.

No, seriously. If you think about it. they have plenty of sweets.

They have lollipops. they have Fudgsicles. They have Popsicles...

...but they don't have any other meat on sticks.

Yes, you don't see many meats on sticks. Absolutely not.

You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see more meats in a cone.

You don't hardly ever see that. You know. that's an idea I think is waiting to pop.

Just like a nice. You know. Nice. Big, oversize waffle-cone...

...stuffed full of chopped liver. Chopped liver.

Exactly.

Too bad you don't live here, Ted. Yeah?

Yeah. We have a lot in common.

Well, you know, maybe...

Have you ever thought about maybe moving back up to Rhode Island?

I thought about it, but I got too much of a good thing going on here.

I got a great practice. I like the people I work with. And Warren.

You know, maybe you should just. Like, move down here and marry me.

So you're a writer. Yeah, well, I'm trying to be.

Well, the good thing about writing is you can do it anywhere.

That's true.

How about you? How did you manage to stay single all these years?

Well, I'm bisexual. So that's hard for a lot of guys to understand.

Well... You gonna smoke that?

You know, I read somewhere that most women...

...if you really ask them honestly, have tendencies towards...

I mean. Everybody has a bit of... Ted, I'm fucking with you.

Yeah.

Stalking motherfucker.

I know. It sickens me.

Actually. I did almost get married once.

What happened?

Well, he was a really great guy.

He lived up north, and...

Come on. Let's go.

Here you go.

Wait. How many is this?

Four. Four?

That seems like an awful lot of speed to give one little pooch.

Are you sure it won't kill him? I never said that.

Baby.

Good. Good. Good.

And so then it was over. We really haven't spoken since.

Wow. Sounds like he was almost perfect.

Almost.

Hey, you wanna go upstairs and watch Sports Center?

You know, I think I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead.

You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Magda.

What are you doing?

Hi. Hon. Just straightening up.

Put that down.

Magda.

Thanks, doll.

Magda. Magda.

Honey, where is Puffy?

He was being a pest. I put him in the bathroom.

Really?

Ted?

Can you do me a favor? Would you mind letting the dog out?

I think I should have a talk with Magda here.

Sure. Yeah.

Over here. Where?

Here. Fine. Good. What's going on?

More cleaning.

How much coffee did you have tonight? None.

Mary?

What kind of dog is Puffy?

Border terrier. Border terrier. Like Benji.

Hey.

Are you the little guy making all that big noise?

Oh, Ted!

Puffy. Stop it!

Take a little bit of this.

Puffy. Puffy.

Puffy!

That's all you got. Pal?

Ted.

No, no, no.


Puffy!

Puffy! Puffy! Puffy!

How do you know that I'm right?

Well, you know. No, I don't.

You want a grape? A grape? Sure.

Ready? Yeah.

All net. All net. We make a good team.


Hey. Come on. Want a go?

Closer? Don't be afraid. It's all right.

Get in closer. That's good. Don't be afraid. Get right in there. A little bit more.

Good. He'll be fine. Mary, you're being overprotective.


No, no, no. We already... We got...

Come on. Come on.

Warren. Warren.

Warren. Warren.

Warren.

Warren. Warren, come here. Stop.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Hey. Hey.

It's his fault. He hit me with that stuff. Here, let me help with that.

Warren! Warren!


I didn't do it. He got in the way.

I know. I know, I know. Does anybody have any pliers?

Needle-nose. Otherwise? Anything?

Hey.

Flowers are for you. Ball is for Warren. Had a friend FedEx it from Boston.

Signed by Tony Conigliaro.

Did you hire Pat Healy to spy on me?

What?

What are you talking about?

I got an anonymous letter.

It's not true. Right, Ted?

Well, it's an interesting thing that happened. I...

Yeah. It's true, but it's not...

Okay. Get out.

Mary, wait. First of all. I didn't know that this guy was...

What. That he was a murderer?

That. Yeah. In addition to many other things.

I mean. I didn't know anything about the guy. I hardly know him.

How could you do that, Ted?

How could you have some guy you don't even know spy on me?

What were you trying to do?

Trick me into feeling something for you?

No. I didn't...

I didn't wanna trick you.

Just leave. Okay?

Mary.

Go.

I did it because I never stopped thinking about you.

And if I didn't find you, I knew that my life would never. Ever be good again.


Hey.

Healy. You in there?

Hello?

And it was going along just fine until you showed up.

Holy shit.

This is a pretty nice place.

Sully. What the fuck happened?

Hey, surprise. Hey, peace. Man. Come on.

You fucked me, man. Wait. Come on.

Man. Don't do anything rash now, buddy. Who the fuck is this guy?

That's Norm. He's a pizza boy. He's in love with Mary too.

Look. Come on, man.

All right. Look. I think everybody could use a drink right now.

I don't want a drink.

Fuck you. Hey, hey. Hey. Look.

You asked me to follow around your girl and I did.

And then the truth is. I started to like her.

And that's when I realized I couldn't in good conscience bring myself to do it.

Do what?

Turn her over to a violent stalker.

Oh, I'm a stalker? You're calling me a violent stalker?

Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'm a...?

Oh, my God.

That poor dog.

Hey, fuck you. Fuck you.

You just can't take the fact that it was my turn.

Your turn? Yeah, that's right. My turn.

Why can't I ever get a girl like Mary?

Just because you didn't get her. You didn't have to blow us both out of the water.

What are you talking about?

You're gonna tell me you didn't write her an anonymous letter...

...telling her about our whole deal together?

What letter?

Come on.

It was you.

You sent the letter.

It was you.

We had a deal. You said you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck you...

...until we got this fuck out of the fucking picture.

You crossed the line, man. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Man.

You're getting crazy now. Why would I cross the line?

You probably did it yourself. you piece of shit.

Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Why would I rat myself out?

Like I'm gonna try to figure out some guy...

...whose idea of courting is blowing farts in her face.

You were following us. Don't flatter yourself. I was following her.

I always do.

How the hell do you think I got rid of the last guy. Brett?

Wait. Brett? Are you saying that Brett didn't say those things about Warren?

Are you shitting me? Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?

He was like an Eagle Scout.

Wait a minute. You two should be kissing my fucking hairy beanbag. You know?

Because if it wasn't for me, she might have married that schmuck.

I feel sick.

Both of you are just...

I'm out of here.

Yeah.

You know, if it wasn't you who sent the letter and I never sent it...

...who sent it?

Oh, hey. Hal.

I was worried about you. I thought that...

Oh, Sully.

Oh, my...

Woogie?

Who the hell is Woogie?

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Did you get my letter. Mare? The one about Ted?

You sent that?

I was worried about you.

Woogie. You know you're not supposed to be within 400 yards of me.

Yeah. I know. I do. In fact, you know...

...that's what I really wanted to talk to you about.

You know that I have actually been through nine years of intensive psychotherapy.

And you know something? You were absolutely right. I needed help.

That's great. Woogie. I mean. I'm glad you're doing better.

You look...

You look good. Thank you.

Except for the rash thing's still there, right?

Yes. You noticed, huh? These are called love blisters.

They went away for a little while, but then you came back in my life. Milady.

Woogie. I did not come back into your life. Okay?

I don't even know how you found me. Let's not forget. Here.

You put me through a lot of bullshit, okay?

I had to change my name, I had to go to court. I moved.

I mean. You stole all of my shoes.

What? What are you talking about?

Woogie. I caught you red-handed.

I was in a weird place then. Mary.

Come on. Okay? Come on.

Give me a break here, okay? I was a little nuts. A little...

But I'm fine.

Woogie. You're starting to make me a little nervous.

I'm making you feel nervous? Nervous? What's that?

I wouldn't know anything about nervous. Jeez.

You ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?

Woogie. I'm asking you to leave.

Oh, Mary. Oh, Mary, you got this all wrong.

I'm not going anywhere.

Not until I get something to remember you by.

Get your hands out of there.

No. Woogie. Yeah.

Let go.

Stop it. Stop!

Just one pair. You owe me that. you heartless bitch.

What the...? Hey.

Dom? You're pathetic.

Tucker. What happened to your crutches?

Yeah. Well...

Yes. Very good query, Mary. Well done.

Come on. Tell her the truth. Pizza boy.

Name's Norm.

I live with my folks up in Pompano. Hey.

Oh, man. This is like group therapy or something.

Dom. What are you doing here?

You stole her from me. and now I want her back.

I stole her from you? What are you talking about?

Woogie. How many times did I tell you this at Princeton?

Woogie? Ted and I had one date.

You and I were already broken up. You're Woogie?

Dom Woganowski.

But you're married. You have a wife, beautiful kids.

Ted, if you love them so much. please, be my guest.

All right. What the hell is going on here? Can someone explain it to me?

Look. We're all in love with Mary.

Oh, God.

If I may, I have a proposal.

I say none of us leaves this room...

...until our young Mary here stops jerking us around...

...and decides. Once and for all, who she really wants.

Now. Mary. I know this is tough...

...but you really will be doing them all a great favor to tell them the truth about us.

Are you crazy? What makes you think I would pick you anyhow?

I mean. You're a murderer.

Well, I may have been blowing a little smoke up your ass there, Mary.

I'm sorry.

Touchdown. Hi, Mary.

Brett? What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.

Yeah. I called him. Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here.

See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

Brett never said those bad things about Warren.

He loves Warren.

And from what he told me on the phone just now. He loves you too.

He's the guy you should be with.

That's right. Mary. You know I'll always be true to you.

Shit. This isn't fair. Jesus.

You know, I feel like an idiot.

See, I realized something today. I'm no better than any of these guys.

I mean. None of them love you. Really.

They're just fixated on you because of how you make them feel about themselves.

I mean. That's not real love. That's...

I don't know what that is.

Please. Mary. Don't listen to him.

This is just another one of his stupid little ploys.

You know, Stroehmann, you are so full of shit.

Yeah. You're the biggest stalker of us all. You're gonna stand here and tell me...

...that you're not nuts about this girl?

Yeah. That's what I'm telling you.

Hey, good luck, Brett. Yeah. Thank you.

She's a great gal. Take care of her.

I'll see you, Mary.

Bye. Ted.

Hey, Warren, see you later. Okay, goodbye. Ted.

Goodbye.

God, Mary, I've missed you.

Hey, Brett.

What are the chances I could get you to give me a little autograph?

Something nice to the wife and kids. What?

Oh, shut up. Cock tease.


Well, she's back with her old boyfriend He don't challenge her He don't contend with her And she don't answer the cards you send And you're jealous of the time That he spend with her Just let her go into the darkness Let her live for all the things there Let her go into the darkness Let her go, let her go. Let her go


Ted.

Mary?

Ted.

Mary.

Ted.

You forgot your keys.

Did you really mean what you said up there?

I just want you to be happy. Mary.

But I'd be happiest with you.

You're fucking with me, right?

What about Brett Favre?

What did I tell you the first time we met?

I'm a Niners fan.

His friends would say "Stop whining." they've had enough of that His friends would say "Stop pining, there's other girls to look at"

They've tried to set him up With Tiffany and Indigo But there's something about Mary That they don't know What are you doing?

That's my girl he's kissing. But you just slept with me.

I was only boning you to get to Mary.