This Is Where I Leave You (2014) Script

Morning, Randy. Hi.

Morning. Morning. Good morning.

Shelby. Caramel mocha.

Judd. You rock.

Thank you. I do rock, don't I?

Judd. Wade.

Aw. Hydration.

It's gonna get me through.

You ready? Let's do it.

Now, I understand you're telling me that you think it's gay to groom your privates.

Now, are you having one of your buddies help you run the razor?

Is that what's making it gay?

Man Up. What do you got?

Now we got an NBA wife that's gonna be suing her power-forward husband... for half of everything because he cheated on her.

Now, here's the story, toots.

Hold and turn down your radio, please.

...destroying dudes in the paint. Foot and a half of rope in his pants.

I am sending it in to him. If he likes it, he'll pick up the phone.

You don't get to be shocked when he gets road tail in Cleveland at an away game.

Stop chasing 10s.

Bang a 4, bang a 5.

Look at the gratitude on their face. You be the best part of their year.

Order like a man. Can you do us all that favor?

Get yourself a bourbon or a whiskey neat.

Then why did you vote for him?!

Why did you vote for him?! No one made you! Did you get paid?!

Did someone give you $500?!

Wade, great show. Can we go over some syndication numbers, pal?

Can we not do that now? I'm wiped, man.

Gotta get home and take a nap. I'll call you. Okay?

Yeah, great. You go home. Get some rest. I'll consolidate these for you.

How'd it turn out?

She's gonna love it. Nice. Thank you for that.

How soon can you get me out of here?

Financials at 1. I can have you home early by 3.

Promise? Promise.



Approachin' hoochies with a passion Come on, baby, come on. Fuck! Quinn! QUINN:

Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh!

Oh, shit! Harder! Yeah!

Wade! Wade! Yeah! Unh!

Would now be a great time to go over those numbers?

Oh, my God!

How long? Judd.

How long?! A year.

This is the first time.

On our sides.

How long?

A year, Judd.

It's not a good time, Wendy.

Dad's dead.


He died about an hour ago.

No, no, no. Hang on.

They said that he had more time.

Yeah, well, apparently he didn't.

Shit. How's Mom?

She's Mom. You know. She asked me how much to tip the nurses.

Listen, there's something else:

Dad wants us to sit shiva.

Dad's dead.

Yeah. Apparently that's the optimal time to do it.

I asked them three times to remove this awful tube. I mean, give the man his dignity.

I don't understand the shiva.

Mom's not even Jewish, and Dad was an atheist.

A Jewish atheist. And this is what he wanted.

I'm just gonna do it myself.

No. It's okay, Mom. Let the nurses do it.

What am I gonna do? Kill him?

Mommy, leave it!

I don't know, Judd. This is what he told Mom he wanted. And Paul is on board with it.

And I haven't managed to track down Phillip yet. Hopefully, he'll check his texts.


Jesus, fuck, Mom!

It's better, don't you think?

Mommy, put him down. Stop touching him.

Judd. Hi, Mom.

Where's Quinn, honey?

She's got a bulging disk because of a gym accident.

My God. Is she all right? She's fine.

The doctors have her on pain medication. She was devastated she couldn't be here.

No, of course. There he is?

It's okay to cry, honey.

Thank you. Or laugh.

There's no correct response. Okay.

I thought maybe I would just stand here quietly in sad reflection. You know?

Linda. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Paul. Judd. How are you?

Hi, sweetheart. Hey, Judd. Hi.

Hello. Look at this.

Hi, sis. Got your hands full?

A bulging disk? Seriously? Yep.

You have to tell Mom about Quinn.

I'm not ready yet. What's different about her?

It's the boobs. She had a little touch-up.

She's going on another book tour. Twenty-fifth anniversary of Cradle and All.

God help us. Hey, Barry. Hey, pal. Just send the last iteration.

Seriously? Pay attention. Whoa. What, are you kidding me?

Say hello to your brother-in-law. He's bereaved.

Sorry, I didn't see you. Good to see you.

What's up, little man? Mommy said "shit" in the car.

"Shit"? Yeah.

Oh. Have you been drinking all day? Yeah.

So we started out with a little booze and profanity, Mom?

Good morning, everybody.

Mort Altman was not a fan of ritual.

So, in deference to him, I'm gonna limit myself to a single psalm.


The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down...

Shut 'em down, open up shop He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.



Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mr. Parker.

Mommy. Phillip. You came.

Of course I came.

Hey, hey. Low five, low five, low five.

Koala Bear. Hey.

Hey, man. How you doing?

Nice ride. Yeah. Where's Quinn?

Are we all set? Do you mind if I keep going? Holy shit.

Sorry, Boner.

No, Charlie. Rabbi Grodner.

Nobody calls me "Boner" anymore. That was a childhood nickname.

So now we know that.


Paul, Mort's eldest son, will now say a few words.

Boner is a man of God now?

That'll never stop being weird. Come on.

I see Mom's new tits are present and accounted for.

How about those? Hey.


Dad would've hated this funeral.

That's just one of the things I loved about him.

He would've been counting the minutes till he could go down the hill... turn on the game... and then he just would've talked about how full of shit everybody was.

They didn't really miss him.

And he would've been wrong.

We do miss him.

Hey, man.

Hi, son. Hey, Mom.

Hey, Sunflower.

Hey, Horry.

Hey, Horry.

Sorry about Mort, man. Yeah.

Thanks, buddy. How you doing?

Living the dream.

Yeah. Good to see you.

Oh, no. No, no, Mom, you gotta be kidding me.

It's actually more comfortable than it looks. I doubt that.

Wendy's kids are in Paul's room, so I gave your room to Paul.


Annie's ovulating, and I figured they could use the privacy.

Yeah. Well...

Paul and Annie only live about a half hour away. How come they have to sleep here?

I want all my kids under one roof again.

Obviously, when Quinn gets here, we'll make different arrangements.

But this is okay, right? Yeah.

Yeah? It's good.

Be fine. Okay.

Come up soon. Okay.

Visitors'll be here any minute.

Judd, it's starting!

You're shitting us, right?

They're shiva chairs. You sit low to the ground as a sign of mourning.

That's why they're like that.

Don't some people sit shiva for three days? I've seen that. That's a thing.

It's not a thing. Maybe that could be our thing.

It can't be. They do it in California. We could pioneer that.

We're not gonna pioneer it. Nobody here's gonna pioneer it.

The word "shiva" is Hebrew for "seven."

Seven days, no work, no travel. Your ass is in those seats. Those are the rules.

I'd love to find the word for "three."

I don't think Dad... Stop it!

This was your father's dying wish, and you're negotiating?

He was not a perfect man or a perfect father, but he sure as hell was better than most.

Mom... No!

Your father had one final request, and we are gonna honor it.

It's gonna be hard, it's gonna be uncomfortable... and we're gonna get on each other's nerves.

But for the next seven days, you are all my children again.

And you are all grounded.

What are you waiting for? Come on.

Yup. Any particular seat?

I'll take her. No. No, I got her.

She's fine. She's exhausted. She should get a nap.

Judd, Paul.

You need to put a baby in that woman yesterday.

I'm working on it.

Have you had your man parts checked yet? Come on, not now, Wendy.

Because you may have emptied them over the years.

My room was next to yours. My room was next to yours.

Well, this is great. I can tell it's gonna be a really good experience for all you guys.

So I'm just gonna let you sit here for a bit.

Thanks. Reconnect. You got it.

I will be back later... Dude, don't. Stop it. make sure that nobody gets hurt.


Take care. I'll see you guys soon. Be good.

What's that? What are you writing?

What? Oh, I'm just jotting down a few thoughts.

Oh, God help us. Relax. It's not about you.

It's always about us. Tell that to my shrink.

Fine. Satisfied? Great. Thank you.

What happens now?

We haven't been together for ages, so why don't you just take some time... you know, to catch up?

And bitches out there don't faze me You gonna get that?

A ho is a ho A bitch is a bitch is a bitch, so Thanks for the music.

Maybe you got a vibrate switch on that thing. Just an aside.


Are phone calls allowed?

What? Oh, no, no, no. No, we're just sitting in an awkward silence.

She's here.

And by "she" he means...?

What's going on? What's happening?

Who is that? Is that his lawyer? Is Phillip in trouble again?

When is he not in trouble?

Okay, that's not his lawyer. Oh.

Why not? It would be so like Phillip to be doing his lawyer.

Let's go.

Go. Go.

He's coming. Everyone.

This is Tracy.

Hey, Tracy. Hi. Hi. Hi.

My fiancée. What?!

Oh, boy. Engaged to be engaged, actually.


I'm so sorry to be meeting you all under such sad circumstances.

I'm making a poopie.

Oh. I love doing that. Okay. We are on the goal line.

London just keeps moving the goalposts back.

That's Barry. He's a bit of an ass.

Phillip. It's okay. He can't hear us.

This is my brother Judd. Hi. Pleasure.

My sister, Wendy. Hi.

Oldest brother, Paul.

His wife, Annie. Hi! Tracy!

Welcome to the family! You're gorgeous! Thank you.

Get out while you still can.

Funny story. Annie used to be Judd's girlfriend, back in the day.

Phillip, that's enough.

And this, of course, is my mother, Hilary Altman.

Mrs. Altman. It is a tremendous honor to meet you.

Your book, Cradle and All, was a really important book for me.

My children are not very proud of my life's work.

All right. Not now, Mom.

Every kid in Paul's class knew that he used to jerk off with an oven mitt.

That never happened. It happened.

Every guy I met expected me to put out.

You had a very healthy sexual curiosity.

Which you documented in detail after reading my diary.

Secrets are cancer to a family. Oy.

Well, Cradle and All was the inspiration for my dissertation.

So I would like to think that your family's dysfunction helped me to get my Ph.D.

Tracy is also a therapist, Mom. I gathered.

She was my therapist, actually.

Naturally, once we realized we had feelings for each other, I referred him to a colleague.

Naturally. Look, Daddy, a T.

That's great, sweetie. Go show Mommy. Poopie!

Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you? Don't yell at him!

Well, he threw shit on me! He's 3 years old, you asshole.

Where are the wipey things? "Where are the wipey things?"

Coming out of my ass.

There wasn't a lot of liquid, so the rug's gonna be fine.

I got a conference call. What do you want me to do?

I'll get the paper towels.

I hope you're still on this call, I swear to God.

To clarify, today does count as one of the seven, right?


A bulging disk. Pretty common, actually.

We were married for...

So, Paul, no children yet?

No, no kids. We're working on it. Someday, maybe.

Phillip, you're all grown up. What do you do now?

Well, I run an alternative-fuel think tank in D.C.

Isn't that something?

It's a bulging disk. It's pretty common, actually.

Usually in men, though, right?

You do see it mostly in men, but she's pretty active.

She's real active.

Well, I'm managing a small, small, very private equity fund.

Mostly small... Hey, Molly.

Mostly small cap, emerging markets. All that good stuff.

Paul, you got any kids? No, no kids yet. One day, maybe.

We made love on our first date. In his car. Behind the Texaco station.

Oh, shit. She's telling the Texaco story.

Mort left the air conditioning on.

By the time we were done, the battery was dead.

We had to call my father to come and give him a jump start.

Maybe they wanna hear about his hobbies.

The stuff that's going on in fossil fuels is just really sexy.

God, the passion, the creativity, the angles.

Jesus Christ. "Angles"?

Mort knew his way around a woman's body. Mother.

And the sheer size of him. Circumference. Mom.

I don't mind telling you, the man was hung. That should've been the headstone.

Clearly, she lost more than a husband. Anybody need anything from the kitchen?

No, it's true. I mean, I miss him and I miss it.

Hi. Hi, Judd. I'm just trying to make some space.

Well, I'm gonna sneak out for a drive.

I have a feeling Mom is just getting warmed up in there.

The talking helps.

Jerry died 20 years ago... and I still find ways of randomly working him into conversations.

Like right there, for instance.

How come you never found anyone else?

Boy. That was very rude. I apologize.

It'd be a terrible mistake to go through life... thinking people are the sum total of what you see.

Linda, I'm an asshole. Just forgive me.

You get a free pass this week. Thank you.

And thank you for taking care of Mom these past few months.

I'll bet she would've been a mess without you. Thank you.

Why don't you swing by the store and pick up Horry?

I don't like him walking home in the dark. He gets confused sometimes.


Side door. Clean getaway.

Horry. You need a ride?

Hey, Judd.

Judd Altman.

Oh, my God. Is that Penny?

I'm so sorry about your dad.

I should've come today. I'm sorry. I have a thing with funerals.

I'm afraid I'll start laughing or bawling or say something inappropriate, so I don't go.

Which is not a solution, but there you have it.

Anyway, what's it been? Seven, 8, 9 years? Something like that.

Horry said you came alone. What happened to Quinn?

You didn't split up, did you? JUDD:

Sorry. I don't know why I say these things. Just a freak accident on an elliptical.

Goddamn antidepressants I'm on. You know?

They just obliterate whatever filter I have.

It's very embarrassing.

She left me. I knew it! I fucking knew it!

I knew that. I'm sorry, but...

She slept with my boss, so...

Well, that'll do it. Yes, it did.

Done. Right.

Gosh. And now your father.

I'm sorry, Judd. You're having a profoundly shitty year.

I've had better. Yeah, it's not...

Anyway, so you live here still?

My mom got very sick, so I came back to spend time with her and see that through.

And then, I don't know, I just became the girl that never left.

It's understandable. It's a pretty place.

Are you still skating?

Yeah, I'm still skating. I'm running the skating school over at Spencer's now, which is great.

It's perfect. I get to skate every day. Good for you.

The owner gives me run of the place, which is awesome... in exchange for some small sexual favors.

Nice of him. And you. Great arrangement.

You used to laugh at my jokes. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. I did. You used to be funnier.

Well, I'm not a fan of small talk, so I'm gonna give you a hug.

Yeah, what a surprise.

Thanks, Horry. I'll pick them up tomorrow.

I'll be outside when you're done.

Horry, you scared the crap out of me. I have that effect on people.

My mother send you to get me? Yes, but I was already headed out.

Come on. Get in the car. Shit. I need to get my own place.

Why don't you? Oh, brain injury.

There are things I can't do. Like what?

Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.

I can get my own car door, though. Thanks.


So Penny?

Yeah, I never figured she'd still be here.

Why? Because she doesn't have a brain injury?

No. No. Horry, sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just...

Just... I'm just fucking with you.

Asshole. It's hard to see people from your past... when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up, you know?

Welcome to my world.

Whoops! We've come apart there, Mom. Can you please close that robe? Cover it.

They're just breasts, Judd. Same ones you suckled at.

No, Mother. Those are not the same breasts you nursed us with. Those are different.

You got bionic breasts now.

Your father didn't see it that way. He liked to put his penis...

Jesus Christ, Mother.

Thank you. I love you, Judd.

But? What do you mean, "but"?

There's always a "but" when you say "I love you."

I was just gonna say, I don't know how you all got so repressed.

Go figure.

Mom, I got it. I got the rest. You sure?

I appreciate the help. Okay.

I'm upstairs if you need me. Okay.

Hopefully you'll be looking for another sash for that robe, huh?

You gotta double-sash robe, Mom.

You don't know what you're talking about.

He left it to all of us. We are not having this conversation.

Paul, I think this is a wonderful idea. This is bullshit.

Dad always wanted his sons to work together.

It's like Dad's legacy to us. You don't know what you're talking about.

What do you mean? I'm part of this family.

Would you listen? No, you listen.

Dad always intended for the store to go to me.

That's why he left half of it to me and the other half to the three of you.

Now, after we settle the will, I'll buy out your shares at a fair valuation.

I don't wanna sell you my share. I wanna run the store with you.

How exactly do you think you can add to the business?

I can help you grow it.

New locations and expanded lines. What?

The only thing you've ever grown is weed. And he was very good at it.

Mommy, come on! I'm just saying, he's very entrepreneurial.

Listen, Paul, you don't believe in me.

I get that. I never believed in myself either, really.

But I've changed. And you're the brains of the outfit. I know that.

But what about marketing and advertising? What about networking? I'm the people person.

That's who I am. And you are not one.

You're a nice guy, but let's face it: You're a little scary.

As a matter of fact, you're scaring me right now.

Your face is red. Are you breathing? Is he breathing?

Judd! Get in here and back me up!

Yup. Paul, I do think we should talk about it.

Thank you. Mind your business.

It is his business. You said he owns a sixth of it.

A third, because I'm gifting my share to Judd.

You're welcome. Thank you.

So together, Judd and I own half the business. That's awesome.

This is my livelihood! You can't just make this decision.

Let's talk about this, please. We just did. You guys don't have a clue.

He's not coming to work for me.

Well, see, we'd be partners, actually, after I buy Judd's shares.

Little brother, you can't even buy a suit. People can change, Paul.

Okay. I get it.

How rich are you exactly, Tracy? This has nothing to do with me.

We all know the store is yours. No one's disputing that.

You little whore.

Whoa. What the fuck did you just call her?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. Not her. You.

You're a whore.

Why don't you come here and say that? Here I come.

No, no. Not in the house.

Okay, this was great.

You've given each other a lot to absorb. Let's agree to put a pin in it, shall we?

And then you can assimilate the new information.

Maybe reconsider your positions. Okay? Great.

Makes sense. Great work, guys.

Argh! You motherfucker.

Come here. Get off.

Not in the house. Come on, guys.

Are you all right?

Good morning. Oh, my God.


What was that moment? Could I talk about it?

About your brother?

So I'm 11 years old, and Mom's out somewhere... and Dad was upstairs, like, fixing the rain gutters on the roof.

And I am downstairs, babysitting Phillip, the eternal baby... like always... when I suddenly realize that I have gotten my period for the first time.

Anyway, 11, right? So I run outside and call up to Dad... but he's, like, using a power tool or something and can't hear me.

I grab a baseball off the lawn and toss it up at him.

I mean, I just meant to get his attention.

But somehow, it hits him square in the back of the head.

He falls off the roof. Oh, I remember that.

Okay. So we all get in the back seat.

Dad drives to the hospital with a broken arm and a gash on his forehead.

And the nurse looks at him and she's like, "What in the world happened to you?"

And Dad just says, "My daughter got her period."

That is so fantastic, Wendy.

That's so much like your dad. Oh, let me say hi.

It's your wife. Aren't you gonna take it? I'll call her back.

Why don't you tell another story about your cycle?

That was a real crowd pleaser.

No, Wendy's gone already. It's your turn. Give us a good story about you and Dad.

Oh. That's what we're doing? I'm blanking.

Maybe come back to me.

What, you can't think of a single memory of your father?

Not right now. Go ahead. No, I already went. Mine was amazing.

I don't know what's going on with you, but I do know this:

If you don't take the time to properly mourn your father here, you're gonna regret it.

And shiva time.

Did you like the book? Yeah.

Okay. To you?

That'd be perfect.

Crazy, right?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you.

Hi, Wendy. Hi.

Have some coffee. No, thank you. I don't want any.

You want this coffee. It's not even coffee.

What is that? It's Dad's schnapps. I raided the bar.

No, thank you. Get it out of my face. Are you drunk?

Don't judge me. I'm not judging you.

It's great. You don't really drink that much, right? Good for you.

Oh, my God, will you just take the call? No. Just butt out. Please?

This is crazy enough without you keeping your divorce a secret.

Be quiet, please. Mother's right next to me. I am being quiet. That's the funny thing.

You just got louder. Mother's next to me. If you can't tell your family, then who?

I would rather tell anyone else, actually. That is rude.

Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap? I can't do this anymore.

Because this is already a new record for me keeping my mouth shut.

Hey, drunk girl, why don't you shut your face?

It is growing inside me like this fat hairy tumor. I need to let it out.

Seriously, put that down. You're stressed out and grieving.

You're walking around like a ticking bomb. Make the words stop coming out of your mouth.

People ask me, "What's going on with Judd?" I have to be like, "I don't know." But I do know.

I can't believe how much I hate you right now. Listen, I love you.

You tell them, or I will tell them. Get your hand off me, please.

I will pinch you. I'll punch you.

Judd, where is that beautiful wife of yours?

She's gone. Quinn is gone. It's over.

It's a little bit complicated. Or maybe it's not.

She's been sleeping with my boss. I walked in on them having sex in my bed.

So I guess it's not that complicated. It's simple.

I'm divorcing her whore ass.

How are you doing, Mrs. Applebaum?

Happy? Yep.

Thank you.

You stop it. Stop it.

Oh, my God.

You're like a magician.

You okay, there?

Yeah. I realize what this must look like to you all.

I mean, this was supposed to be a fling, you know?

Younger guy, get in, get out, move on.

Appropriate men are so boring, you know? I do know.

And disappointing.

And Phillip was alive and in the moment... and it wasn't supposed to turn into anything.

I mean, really, look at him. He's a moron. Yeah.

Of course, I'm the moron who fell in love with him, so...

Don't worry about Chelsea.

Phillip's skanky ex-girlfriends are a dime a dozen.

Do they all have to look like Victoria's Secret models?

She's not that hot. Oh, come on. I would do her.

Yeah. I wouldn't say that in front of my brother.

There you are. Hey. Want some help?

So sorry about Quinn.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry I didn't tell you any sooner. I just...

It's been a very long time since we told each other things.

I think we're both out of practice.

I guess so.

I got this. I'll do the rest. You go to bed.

I love you, son. I love you.


We're in Paul's car. Come on, we're making a run for it.


Boy, this place has not changed at all?

Why mess with perfection?

Hi. Hey.

They let you out?

Oh, little bit more of a jailbreak, actually. I bet.

I'd invite you to come join us, but I think that that would probably be a huge mistake, so...

Oh. Well, now I have to come. You don't. Really.

Penny. I'm warning you. Okay. Guys, you remember Penny.

Hey, you guys, I just wanted to say I was so sorry to hear about Mort.

Penny Moore? Wow.

You don't still live here. I do.

You do? Sometimes you're worse than Mom.

That was uncalled for. You should listen to yourself.

You should look at yourself. How about that?

Can I get beers for everybody? Who wants a beer?

Way ahead of you. Did you do this?

I just wanted a beer, Phillip. They were all out.

This is great. All of us together. I don't know why we don't do this more often.

We don't like each other very much.

I never got a chance to go out drinking with my brothers. And my sister.

By the time I could drink, you guys were all gone.

This is a big moment for me. To my family. Cheers.

And to Dad. To Dad.

To Dad. To Dad.

Just have half of that. Yeah. Judd, take care of Judd.

That's awful.

So this thing with Quinn...? Well, we're not gonna discuss that.

Can we? No. We can't.

We discussed it with the whole neighborhood. We did. Thanks to you. Appreciate it.

The whole neighborhood? The whole neighborhood knows.

It was ugly. Whatever you're imagining, multiply it.

Come on, you needed to let it out. You needed to let it out.

I did need to let it out. We don't have to talk about it anymore.

I can't understand why she was fucking Wade Beaufart.

Me neither. Walk me through that.

No, we're at Walker's. Please, anything else you wanna discuss...

I'm happy to. We just got here like ten minutes ago.

Look, you need to calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

I'm coming home. I'm coming home.

I have to go have sex. Oh.

In some cultures, people actually enjoy sex. Well, not when it's on a schedule.

Come on, Annie's hot. Not as hot as when she dated Judd, but...

Why don't you shut the fuck up? Here we go.

We're not doing this again. "Again"?

Judd dated her six months. I've been married to her six years.

At what point are you gonna stop being an asshole about it?

I don't know. Maybe at the point when it stops bugging the shit out of you.

It was actually more like nine months.

Jesus, Judd. You never forget your first.

I've had about enough of you today, Phillip.

That's fair.

Okay. Penny.

Go take care of business.

You guys are idiots. Seriously. Off-the-charts. What did I do?

Bye, Penny. Bye.

Aw. We'll take a cab. Or walk.

Seven days?

I don't know how we're gonna make it.

I don't know. You have each other no matter what, and I think that's great.

I'm an only child, so...

That sounds so good.

Does that not sound good?


Oh. Hello. Oh, God.

I should've known you were gonna be out here.

Come out here. I figured something out.

You're gonna like it. It's about you. I'd better like it.

I should just come out here and push you off the roof.

Come here, Grandpa.

Used to be a lot easier.

No, thank you. You're done too.

It's gonna be Penny Moore. It's fantastic. What are you talking about?

The person that you sleep with before you get back together with Quinn.

Is that what you've got figured out? I'm not sleeping with Penny.

I mean, it's kind of poetic, actually, if you think about how crazy she was about you.

She was a kid. It was a long time ago.

Penny was in love with you. But you were in love with Annie.

Until you met Quinn. Then you married Quinn, and she left you.

And Annie married Paul. And that is the glory of love.

We want the ones we can't have, and we crap all over the ones that we can.

Rinse and repeat.

Well, you loved Horry. And he loved me.

So, of course, life had to take a steaming dump all over that one.

And what makes you think that I'm gonna get back together with Quinn?

Divorce is complicated. Starting over is complicated.

And you don't do complicated, Judd. You never have.

Bullshit. What are you talking about?

You have had your whole life mapped out since you were 12 years old.

With your pretty wife and your perfect apartment.

That's just who you are, you know? No muss, no fuss.

And so you're gonna sleep with Penny so you can forgive Quinn... and then you'll get back on the road more traveled and pretend you never got off.

Glad you got it all thought out.

It's what I do.

No, no, come on. Seriously?


Hey. Sorry, I was blow-drying my hair. I think I blew a fuse.

No, it's not your fault. My dad insisted on doing his own wiring.

He actually would have preferred to have been electrocuted than pay a licensed professional.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Are you okay? Not that one.

How about this one?


All right. Got it in two. Runs in the family.

Back to your day.

Nicely done.

So crazy we're all back in this house again?

Wow. What do you got there?

Oh, this is, my...

Something you wanna tell me? Yes, I'm a drug addict.

Poor Annie. That's for the babies?

It's my fertility medicine. So that's fun.

Sorry you're going through that. Oh, it's awesome.

So not tense in any way for a marriage.

Good luck. Yeah. Here's hoping.

Boom, boom, boom.

I cracked them up.

Come on. Don't give me this shit.

You were sitting there flirting with her in front of me, in front of your family.

It's two friends having a conversation.

So that's your correct answer?

Well, apparently I'm an irredeemable asshole.

Phillip, please tell me and my deaf children, how did you manage to seduce your therapist?

Why are you doing this, Phillip? Doing what, Mommy?

Dating your mother. Fuck off, Wendy.

Rude. Sorry.

Well, I think Tracy is lovely. Thank you.

She's closer to my age than yours.

I'm not as young as you like to think, and neither are you.

Hey. Hey.

There is no version of this scenario that doesn't end badly.

Kind of like this conversation? Which ends right now.

Right behind you. You cannot leave this house.

We're sitting shiva.

Mom, you're sitting in the same spot we put our Christmas tree.

Oh, it's a fast car.

I know what you're thinking. That we're gonna die?

That I'm a screw-up and that Tracy's rich and that's why I'm with her.

Shit. Phillip.

Why are you with her?

You know, because I love her.

A better class of woman is helping me grow a little.

You're using her for her class?

I'm not using her any more than she's using me.

But isn't that what love is? Two people who fulfill needs within each other?

Slow down. Please. Phillip. Come on, man.

Hey. Hey. Slow down. Way too fast. This is not a toy.

You wanna drive? Yeah, I wanna drive.

Pull over. Brake.

That's sensible. Thank you.

Fucking bullshit. See you in an hour.

Hey, hey, hey!

Phillip! Tell Penny I said hi!

I told you That we could fly

'Cause we all have wings But some of us don't know why

I was standing Hey.

Grab some skates from the rental shack.

No, no, I wasn't planning on skating today.

I wasn't planning on doing that routine in front of you... so I guess the day has other plans for both of us.

Don't throw that. Go with it.

I'm just gonna wa...

Well, I can't reach that. I'll watch.

Come on.

All right.

All right. Stay in the car, Phillip. Stay in the car.



Little mood lighting? What are you waiting for?

You can skate, can't you? Of course I can skate. Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Oh.

Oh, that hurts.

Are you okay? Oh. I forgot how much fun this is.

Oh. Oh, God. Oh, dear.


You really are a mess, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

You're not catching me at my best.

Do you miss him?

Do I miss my dad?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I miss my dad.

And he did happen to die at a time when life is kind of messy.

I mean, I don't know if I would've talked to him about any of it... but there's something nice about knowing that he was out there, you know?


Have you ever been up to Maine, Penny?


Sorry, just go with it. You ever been up there?

I've been to Cape Cod. Does that count? It does, yeah.

For as long as I can remember, every time I drive on the interstate...

I would always think:

If I just keep heading north, I can get to Maine, right?

Honestly, it doesn't need to be Maine specifically...

I suppose, but just any place new, right?

And I never have. I've never taken any chances.

I've spent my entire life playing it safe... just to avoid being exactly where I am right now.

Well, you know where you are right now?

Right now you're in a cool rink on a hot day... listening to a Cyndi Lauper classic... under some disco lights.

Cut yourself some slack, Judd. Anything can happen.

Anything happens all the time.

Time after time

Time after time Time after time Time after time

Sorry I'm late.

You're a dick.

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Your shirt's on inside out.

That, I did not know.


I'm so sorry to show up unannounced like this, but I've been trying to call.

I wish you would've told me. What do you want?

Smells like dead fish in here.

Don't worry about that. You're gonna be leaving soon.

Please, Judd. Do you think it was easy for me to come here? I need to talk to you.

What do you possibly have to say here?

Are you and Wade getting married? Is that it?

Are you sick or something?

I'm something, all right.

You can't possibly know that it's mine.

It's yours. Trust me.

Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.

So it turned out Wade is sterile.

I thought you might like that.


Couldn't have been too happy about this.

It was a blow, but he's being supportive. What a guy.


We were never the same after we lost our baby.

Hang on.

You're not gonna use our miscarriage as an excuse for fucking my boss, are you?

No. That's not what I'm saying.

That sounds like what you're loading up.

I'm saying that we were never the same after that. You just shut down, like always.

Look, I know that it's not how we imagined it, but we can do this, can't we?

I mean, lots of divorced people raise their children together.

I know it's complicated.

And I don't do complicated.



This is happening, Judd. You're going to be a father.

I don't know. I guess I was expecting your reaction to be a bit more...

I don't know. A bit more what?

Last time I saw you, you were in our bed with my boss.

Tough image to process. Still working on that. And then you drop this bomb on me?

You might have to give me a minute on this one. Okay?

You're right.

I checked into the Marriott for a few days. So...

Please come talk to me when you're ready, okay?

Hi, Phillip.


I always knew there was something of a cold-hearted slut in you.

Takes one to know one. Touché, pussycat.

So? What are you guys talking about?

Nothing. I'm pregnant.

Mazel tov?

This is one of those tricky situations where you need someone to talk to or wanna be left alone.

It'd be a great help if maybe you can let me know...

Go away, please. Okay.

I'll be on the other side.


Judd Altman on my front steps.

Have a rough day?

Yup. You could say that.

You wanna talk about it?

No. That okay?

It's okay.

Yeah. I don't know why I'm here, but...

I could not think of one place I would rather be more.

You coming in?

Should I?

I would.

Laundry room. Laundry. Keep going.



Hey, Sunflower.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I went to the garage to get this wrench.

Least I think it was the wrench I was after. But now I'm up here... and I can't remember why.

Well, I'm sure it'll come to you.

No, it won't.

Please. Come on. Sit. It's okay.


Do you hate me?

No. Not ever?

Not ever.

Because I would.

I should never have left.

I never would've let you stay. You were 20 years old.

I wasn't gonna be the guy who kept you here.

After I had the accident...

After we had the accident. I was in the car with you.


I know.

I was different afterwards.

I had this anger. I couldn't control it.

That night in the kitchen... You weren't yourself.

I'm still not.

Don't be freaked out.

I'm not.

You're definitely freaking out.

How do you know? You can't even see me.

Oh, I see you, Judd Altman.

I've always seen you.

So did I hear Serena at like 3 in the morning last night?

She was up three times.

Morning. Good morning.

Where's your suit?

Why do I need a suit?

Apparently we're going to temple. Boner sold Mom on it.

We have to say a prayer for Dad's soul. Can't do that here?

Trust me, I've already asked all the right questions.

Oh. Judd, there you are.

You didn't tell anyone where you were going yesterday.

Good reason for that. I didn't want to. Oh, Judd.

Everyone, just cut Judd some slack. He's got a lot on his plate.

Careful. Why? What's going on?

You know, Quinn's pregnant. It's Judd's. No... Goddamn it.

Holy shit. What?

You ever think before you speak? No, that would take all the fun out of it.

This week keeps on getting better and better.



Nice. You coming?

No, I think I'm gonna stay back.

You sure? I think Annie could use somebody to talk to.

You know, sometimes I think you're too good for me.

Don't be silly.

I'm definitely too good for you.

Yeah, I would've hung it up if I thought I needed it again, Mom. Sorry.

This was your father's favorite.

It's very nice.

So. A baby.

You must be terrified. I am.

Well, if it's any consolation, that feeling never goes away.

Not really. Great.

Handsome? Yeah.

Thank you.

He was very proud of you, you know.

I wonder what he'd think now. What do you mean?

Come on. My marriage is over. I don't have a job.

That's why you didn't come see him these last few weeks. You thought he'd think less of you.

I think less of me. I've got nothing. Look at me.

I'm way too old to have this much nothing.

Sit down, baby. It's fine. Seriously.

No, let me tell you about your dad.

You could've talked to him. He'd have understood.

How? He never failed at anything. That was kind of Dad's thing, wasn't it?

Oh, God, Judd.

Mort would've lost his business years ago if it hadn't been for my royalties... and Paul coming in when he did.

Your father was a terrible businessman.

He just figured if he had the store, you'd all come work there.

He just wanted to be around you.

Your father loved you, not what you did.

I mean, The Man Up Show? Are you kidding?

You've listened to it, right? It's asinine.

No. You were his boy.

And as far as he was concerned, the sun rose and set on you and your siblings.


You're gonna be okay.

I know. No, you don't.

But I do.

How are you so okay?

I think with every passing day...

I remember your father less as a sick, frail patient... and more as that strong, vibrant man I was married to all those years.

Also, I'm popping Xanax like Tic Tacs.

Go on.

Shabbas. Shabbas.


Good Shabbas, Elmsbrook.

Good Shabbas.

What is that? I mean, I feel like this is my shul, right?

You feel like my congregation. You don't sound like them, though.

How about this? Can I get a Shabbat Shalom?

Shabbat Shalom.

That's what I'm talking about. What?

That's where we should start. You understand?

We gotta leaven that bread.

But let's take it down for a second. A couple notches. Let's take it down.

Now, as many of you know, Mort Altman passed away this past week.

His family's joined us here today to mark his passing before God and community.

Wendy, how are you?

You look good. Ew.

On a personal note, I grew up in the Altman home.

Oh, shit. Hanging out with Phillip. Remember?

Playing ball with the boys. Getting wasted.

Jerking off. Trying to touch my boobs.

And I mourn with them. I do.

What do you say we get this party started? Does now feel like the right time?

It feels like the right time to me. Cantor Mia. Bring them back up.

See you in a bit.

Wait. Hey.

Where's he going? I don't know. Maybe he's sick.

I'll go check on him. I'll be right back.

Here. You've been holding out on me.

What? This? Where'd you get this?

This is Dad's jacket, so...

Dad was a stoner? No, it was probably medicinal.

It always is.

Damn. I miss him.

Yeah. I miss you, Dad.

I missed him when he was alive.

Remember how he used to do that thing with his forehead?

The forehead thing.

What you talking about? It was instead of kissing us.

You do remember how he never kissed us.

Closest he could get was like, he would... press his forehead against yours.

I know. Like this.

Let's do it.

Yeah, intimacy was not his thing. This is intimate.

Get away from me. You got one eye.

And I can't handle that.

You're fucked up. That's true, but...

You know the other day when we were doing the memories of him?

I couldn't come up with one single memory. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. And now you're gonna be a dad.

Just like Dad. Poor kid.

I know you're going through a lot of complex shit right now... and granted, this is coming from the family screw-up... but I just want you to know I'm on your side.

You know, whatever that means...

I'm on it.

Thanks, Phillip.

Guys, what the hell?

Cannabis? You're late for class. Please.

Swing low Sweet chariot Coming for to carry me home Please stop that. Come on.

Swing low Sweet chariot Coming for to carry me Home

Oh, man. I used to be so much fun.

I don't know what happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I stayed.

Man, you guys, you went off. You had your little adventures.

And I held down the fucking fort.

Because somebody had to, and now I'm not fun anymore.

Do you wanna tell him, or should I? No, I got this.

You were never any fun.

Really? Paul, I love you to death, but you sucked.

I was constant, at least.

Constant click. Thank you.

Oh, shit. We should get going. Mom sent me to get you guys a while ago.

We're in temple, for chrissake.

How much trouble does she think we're gonna get into in temple?

That is the fire alarm. That is the real fire alarm.

So as a community, let's all get up and make our way to the exits.

Right by the reader. Let's go.

This probably isn't gonna go over very well.

Everything is fine. I'm sure it was a false alarm.

Just blend in. Where would they have gone?

Oh, my God.

We got it. What did you do?

No. Nobody did anything.

We put it out. Hose got away from us, though.

You guys smell like a dorm room. You got high in temple?

No, no, no, please, Mother.

We knocked out a fire. Who's hungry?

We got it. What the hell, Phillip?

Phillip had nothing to do with it.

It was probably electrical. It wasn't electrical. Is that weed I smell?

Was everybody smoking weed?

You smell the fire. Mom smelled the same thing.

Yeah, I did. I smelled it.

It's not fire. It's weed. You guys were smoking weed, right?

You'd know.

You know what? How about you just head out before the cops come, okay?

Smart. See you back home? Thanks, Boner.

You rock. I swear to God. Don't touch my balls.

And secondly, stop calling me that.

That was the very last time you'll ever call me "Boner."

Boner, God's watching. Oh, my God.

Your bones are, like, hollow. Get off of me.

You're so easy to manipulate. You're so strong.

I'm sorry, Boner. Come on.

Oh, my God, you guys are so going to hell.

Do we believe in hell?

Wakey, wakey, sleepyhead.

I was just taking a nap, Mom. What's everyone doing?


I'm not your mom.

Annie, what's going on?

I feel so bad about how I reacted when I found out that Quinn was pregnant.

A simple apology will do. Get your clothes back on. Put those away.

I have been trying to have a baby for years. Don't go crazy on me.

I take my hormones every day. My eggs have tested fine.

I don't like where this is going. Paul won't get his sperm tested.

No, don't start digging around in... Be my friend.

What are you doing, Annie? It will be our secret.

We'll never know if it was you or Paul. You just crossed the line there.

You've lost your mind. You've lost your judgment.

I'm tired, Judd. Okay.

I'm tired of needles. And ultrasounds.

I'll bet. And having my heart broken every month.

Uncle Judd! Shit.

Off, off, off. Goddamn it. Shit.

Give me the b... Hi.

I'm making a pishy and a poopie.

Okay. Good. Good. And we were just, getting warm.

Aunt Annie was super cold and now she's all set.

And Uncle Judd's gonna go get a snackie.

Judd, I'm...

I don't know how else to explain this to you. If the deal falls apart, it's my ass on the line.

You had a death in the family. Four days ago.

I have to go to London and close the deal. Why are we even having this fight?

I can't even fight with you. I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

I have to go to London. Unbelievable.

I cannot be gone for seven days.

You mean you can't be here for seven days. What are you doing?

Sorry? Why are you skulking?

I'm just, you know...

There it is. I'm looking for gum. Sorry. Continue.

I gotta go, baby. Jesus Christ. Just go.

Stop doing a little play about how you have to go and go already.

That's so sweet of you. Thank you.

Hey. Judd, can I ask you something? Yup.

She doesn't really care that I'm leaving, so why is she busting my balls?

Well, maybe she does care.

I'm an asshole, Judd. I'm not stupid.

Take care.

You too.

Hi. Hi.

No Barry?

Barry's gone.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

Excuse me.

Yes. You're so not fine.

You know, sleeping with your shrink does not technically make you a relationship expert.

Yeah. But I am an expert in you.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

You raised me.

You're the voice in my head.

Not Mom. It's not Dad. You.

Really? Yeah.

And sometimes I just wish you would shut the fuck up.

What do you want? What do you want?

I just want you to know it's okay to be fine.

That you deserve to be fine.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Will you carry this?

Oh, God.

Holy shit.

Oh, how dare you. That is not cool. I will pants you from up here.

You do not get to say I'm heavy. No more pizza.

Don't make me stand next to your girlfriend for seven days... and then fucking say I'm heavy.

Hi, Judd. Look. I am really sorry about the other day.

I just hope that you'll come by and see me.

I'm in Room 346. So please...



Do you ever sleep?

Not lately.



Are you surprised?

The single advantage of being me nowadays... is it's very hard to surprise me. So no.

I'm not Quinn, Judd. I know.

Please don't look at me like I'm Quinn. I'm not.

This is different than your thing. This is not like your thing.

I get it.

We were so in love, Judd.

And now he's alone. He's, like, permanently alone.

And Barry is just...?

I will never love Barry the way that I loved Horry.

And I will never love anybody else like that. Ever.

I would not do that to Horry.

Is it the whole world, or is it just this family?

You and Barry. And me and Quinn.

And Phillip and Tracy. And Paul and Annie.

No one is happy.

The one person that's got it figured out in this family is Cole.

You know, he sits on that can and he takes his dump, and he's super happy.

You show me one happy adult.

Everybody's sad or angry... or lying or cheating.

I think Quinn's pregnancy is just freaking you out.

Yeah, it's freaking me out.

Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.

No, you weren't. No?

No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed.

How in love could you have been?


That's fair.

Sure like to think I could still do that, though, with someone.

That I can just find someone and fall in love and have it last.

That seems impossible to me right now.

Love causes cancer. Like everything else.

But it's still love. It has its moments.

I had a moment with Penny the other night.

Really? Yeah.


Starting to do complicated. You proud of me?

Well, I don't know. How does it feel?


I mean, that's the gist of it. But, you know.

Anyway. How you doing, Uncle Joe?

This is Trish. Hi, everyone.

By the way, we're sleeping together.


Mom. Why is Paul allowed to miss this?

Trish is a nurse. Retired.

He had a call.

She still wears her uniform sometimes, if you take my meaning.

Honey, I think the baby's waking up. The baby's in the kitchen with Linda.

Oh! Then who am I hearing?

Are you hard? Are you hard? Jesus Christ, Annie.

Put it in me.

Oh, crap. I left the baby monitor on upstairs. I'll get it.

There you go. Sorry about that, everyone.

Put your dick in me. Where was it before?

Oh, do it. Do it, Paul.

Turn it off. Turn it up?

Stop talking, sweetie. Turn it up.

It feels so good. Stop talking.

Come on, people. It's just sex.

Sweetie. What?

Shut up. Okay.

He just told her to shut up. Okay, he's slowing down.

No, this is good. He's too fast anyway.

It's the circle of life, everybody. Let's go, Altman's.

Yes. I can feel you. I can feel it. Yes. You're so hard.

Come! Come now! Coming! Come!

Linda, thank you.

There we go. There we go. Oh, do it.

It has a backup battery.

Put a baby in me, Paul. That's a nice feature.

Shove a baby up there! Shove a bab...!


What is wrong with you? I'm ashamed.

Save money, everybody. Free of charge. Enjoy.

It was just incredibly awkward, and it just didn't stop.

Oh, my God. And everybody heard?

Yeah. I like when you laugh.

I like that you like it. Yeah.

You know that this is the worst possible time this could be happening, Penny?

I know, but...

I'm gonna kiss you anyway.

You're so good at that.

You're very easily pleased. Is that a crime? You should try it sometime.

Hello. Judd. Something's wrong. I'm bleeding.

What do you mean, you're bleeding? How much?

A lot. I'm gonna lose this one too. I don't know what to do.

I'm gonna hang up. I'm gonna call an ambulance.

I want you to stay calm. Okay? I'm gonna hang up right now.

Hi, there is a pregnant woman having problems at the Renaissance just off Route 100.

She's in Room 346.

Yeah. Okay.

Yes, this number's fine. Thank you.

Quinn's pregnant? Yeah.

And it's yours?

You gotta go.

Penny, this is something I wanted...

No. It's fine. There's a pregnant woman. She's bleeding. You gotta go.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll talk to you tonight.

Hi. How you doing? Are you okay?

There's no heartbeat. There's no heartbeat?

I can't believe this is happening again. Take it easy.

Nothing is happening again. Okay? I deserve this. I do. I ruined us.

Please. We're not doing that here. Quiet.

What's that?

There's your baby's heartbeat. Okay.

All right. Baby was just in a weird position?


That's our baby.

Hey, I got here as quick as I could. My GPS was... Sorry about that.

Are you okay? Oh. Yeah.

You had me so scared.

Oh. Made a couple calls?

You all right? What happened?

Hello, hello, hello. Dr. Rausch.

Mr. and Mrs. Altman? I'm Mr. Altman.

And you are?

That's just a guy that Mrs. Altman was fucking.

In my bed.

Judd, please, not now.

You just walk out on everyone at the station, grow a beard and now you're a smart-ass?

Wade Beaufort. It's complicated.

Well, I'll simplify it. Both of you get out of my exam room.

Really? Yeah.

You got us kicked out. And you too, sir.

Here we go. I'll be in the waiting room.


That should do it, right?

I didn't sign, because I think my wife... Or the patient should sign right there.

There you go.

Is that where she should sign? I'll just leave that here.

Don't be a goddamn baby, Judd.

I extend an olive branch, and you're gonna pitch it in the trash?

You're not gonna stay with her. We know that. The only person that doesn't know is Quinn.

That's what's gonna happen? You're clairvoyant? You know what's going on?

I don't need to listen to your crap.

You don't know what you're talking about. It's the Man Up guy.

What's up, dudes? You don't know me. What are you talking about?

Is there another waiting room with more chairs?

I don't know you? No.

I've been with you for seven years. Don't tell me I don't know you.

And I know you'll fuck just about anyone who'll have you.

That's interns. That's sales reps. That's sponsors.

So don't tell me you're not already drawing up plans for the quickest exit.

You're logging all the ass I'm crushing, and I'm the perv?

Hey, fellas. We got some young boys here.

Scoutmaster. Park it. We're in the middle of something.

I didn't fuck her any more than she fucked me.

It takes two to tango, all right? That's a separate situation that I'll deal with.

That's a party for two. Don't worry about her. We're talking about you.

Take this discussion outside.

Sorry. What's going on, Judd?

Listen to me. She fucked me. Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Stop it, you guys. Judd.

Really? Look who's gonna man up now.

Everybody just be quiet!

Now, we just are all gonna just take a beat here.

I'm not fighting.

Who the fuck are you coming in here with this middle part at your age... barking orders at everyone?

Who the hell am I? I'm Wendy Altman, bitch.

Shit. That's what happens.

Yeah. That's a fucking princess cut. You fucking clown.

Are you kidding me? Dick.

You have your pussy... You have your sister hit me?

Yep. And I got her purse.

Oh, yeah, walk me out because I'm so dangerous.

Like, a mother of two with diapers in my purse.

Here's the parking lot. Thank you. I can find my way now. Thank you.

Great work, officers. Nice hats.

Oh. I just got a great idea. Let's stop acting like crazy people.

Yeah. I agree. I'm gonna get the car.

That's a nice parking spot?

Is that Wade's car?

That's one of his cars. He's got a few. He has a few?

Think he's compensating for something?

Yeah. For having too much money.

You know, I heard the baby's heartbeat in there.

That's great.


I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?

Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.

Yeah. That's true.

You sounded almost wise there for a minute.


All right. You go ahead. I'm gonna meet up with you guys back at home.

Hey, sis. That was a great shot. Thanks for the help.

Well, you guys are idiots. But you're my idiots.

Drive safe.

Are you kidding me? It's 2014. Okay?

There they go. Later, man.

Take it easy.

Fellas, before you go...

You see this nice car here?

I've got $43 that says you can't flip it over.

Man, what'd he do to you, anyway? He slept with my wife.

What do you say? Keep the money, bro.

Let's do it. Really?

Come on, boys. Do it. Really. Oh, boy.

Bend your knees. Come on.

There it goes. You got it!

That was good. Later, dude.

Very nice.

Are you serious? Come on, man. Get out of here.

I did not expect that from you.

You know, the saddest thing about this whole mess... is you were one of my only real friends.

I was your employee.

Even sadder.

Look, bud, I'm sorry how this whole thing shook out.

You know, I'm looking at you up there with her, and there's a baby on the way.

She's in there bawling about a heartbeat, and, buddy, I don't even hear it.

I don't even think the doctor hears it. I think they're all in on this thing.

And they're getting all emotional, and it's just not me.

I mean, I sure as shit aren't a stepfather.

So is that it? Are you done? I'm out.

That's it? That's right.

It's what's best for everyone. You mean it's what's best for you.

That's just a coincidence.

I don't think that's drivable. I'm gonna take myself a long walk.

And thanks.

For what?

Up until just now, I thought I was the most pathetic guy I knew.

You're welcome.

It really hurts when you punch someone.

Thank God this was platinum. If this was white gold, I would've broken my hand.

It makes me feel terrible. It was worth it.

Like what I'm going through doesn't matter.

I have got... I'm done. Never mind.

What was that?

It's just a slight disagreement.

Well, do you wanna talk about it? HILARY:

No, thanks. I have a headache. I'm gonna go lie down.

Well, what about shiva?

I'm calling it tonight on account of rain.


I'll be right back.


This is the part where you get to say you were right.

You were right.

We got lost. I got lost.

I got lost.

But our baby, he will never be alone. I promise you that.

You were right. We don't need to be married to be parents together.

I'll be right in there with you.

She. What?


She. She.

I can't believe he's really gone.

I know, honey.

These are actually pretty comfortable.


Oh. Morning, Tracy. I didn't know anyone else was up.

I didn't mean to intrude. You okay? That's okay.

Hey, Judd. Yep?

What would you say the odds are... that your brother has had sex with that Chelsea girl while we've been here?

I mean, you know, I know he's your brother... but I could use a friend here.

A little honesty for a change. Just between you, me and the sunrise.

The odds are pretty good.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

I am a grown-up person.

I am smart and professional. I have my shit together.

And your brother is a child who's spent his entire life... reeling in the slack as fast as you guys will cut it for him.

So, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna gather up the tattered remnants of my dignity... and say goodbye.

That'll crush him, you know.

I'll let him keep the Porsche.

Really? Yeah.

I don't think he'll have it for very long.

He keeps leaving it unlocked with the keys inside.

Someone's just gonna drive off with it.

Phillip really isn't built to hold on to things.

Tracy, you are not the first woman that's wanted to believe in Phillip.

But you are far and away the best one.



Penny. I gotta go to work.

Hang on one second. Let me talk to you.

Quinn okay? Yes, she's fine.

And the baby? She's good too.

It's a girl? Congratulations. Yeah.

Will you talk to me for one second? What?

I wanted to explain earlier. Things got... I got the phone call...

Hey. Look. I'm a big girl.

You know, it's not like we were going steady. It's just sex.

No, it wasn't. You know that. You know it was more than sex.

No. It wasn't.

If it was, then what does that say about you?

That's all it was.

Hey, Penny. Let me...

Oh, my goodness.

So many amazing childhood memories from this place. You smell it?


Oh, shit. You've been avoiding me.

You grabbed my dick. Okay? That's why I've been avoiding you.

I didn't mean to. Please. You didn't mean to.

What'd you think you were gonna find down there, Annie?

I'm sorry, Judd.

I just...

I want a baby so badly. Why don't you think about what you do have?

You and Paul.

You guys really love each other, don't you?


That's so much harder than having a baby.

I mean, it's, you know, damn near impossible.

And you'll have a baby, one way or another. But do not screw up your marriage to do it.

You're right.

I know you're right. I'm just the most pathetic person.

No, you're not. That's the last thing I'd call you, Annie.

Oh, I can think of some other words that I would use as well.

How about "determined," Oh, my God.

Someone came down here very determined.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

The irony here is that you made a fool out of me.

No, I didn't. Wait. Why is that ironic?

That fact that he doesn't know why it's ironic is ironic.

I gotta go. Thank you all so much.

We can have a conversation about this. We've had the conversation already.

I wanna have it again. I saw this coming.

He can wait for one second.

Scale of 1 to 10. Shut up.

Was it how you remembered? Oh, my God.

Annie? Hey, buddy.

What the hell's going on here? We're just having a talk.

Your marriage goes to shit, now you're hitting on my wife. Don't think I don't see you look at her.

Don't come over here. You have wanted to do this for years.

Come back here!

Put your suitcase down and talk to me. I need to go.

Move. Move. Get back here. We're not done.

No, goddamn it! Stop!

Get off me. Get off me. Paul!

Oh, yes! Stop. Please. Let's just talk about this.

I saw it with my own eyes. Stop it!

Nothing happened! Nothing happened!

Your brothers can't fight for shit. No.

It's kind of embarrassing, actually.

Will you two get in there and stop this? Are you kidding? This is amaz...

Stop fighting me. Get him off of me!

If it gets to the point where I think you're being idiots, you're probably being idiots.

Stop. Stop it. What's going on? He kissed my wife.

No, I didn't. No, he didn't.

Paul. Nothing happened.

Could you not get in the car till we work this out?

It would never have worked, Phillip. You're a narcissist with Oedipal issues.

I'm a classic enabler. But I love you.

I need an adult I am an adult!

Oh, God. Stop that. Get off!

Damn it, I'm talking to you. No, stay on him.

Since when have you run away from discussions?

Stop it! Get back here. We're not done.

You love discussions!

Stop it! Stop it! Oh, my God.

If I get wet, you are dead. No. No. Somebody stop him.

Boner! Boner! Unbelievable. Judd.

You can let go any time you want. No.

You can let go. Can we stop being a reality show?

I don't care. You think you can hurt me any more than I already am?

Leave it alone.

What the fuck?

I guess this is as good a time as any.

Did you guys not know about that?

Linda was helping me take care of your father. Long, hard nights?

I don't know how to explain how it happened.

Did Dad know? Of course.

Your father was a very enlightened man, sexually speaking.

Let me tell you a story about your father.

Don't. I wish you wouldn't.

When Horry got hurt and I was drowning in medical bills... your father paid our mortgage for a full year so we wouldn't lose the house.

Your father was like family to me. And he died knowing your mother wouldn't be alone.

Why didn't you tell us?

You needed to mourn your father without any distractions.

Wait a minute, Mom.

This whole shiva thing.

It wasn't Dad's idea, was it?

Smart boy.

Oh, Mom. How could you lie to us like that?

You wouldn't have stayed if I didn't. And I needed you all here.

And you needed each other, even if you couldn't see it.

If we didn't come here, Tracy wouldn't have broken up with me.

So thank you for ruining my life.

I think it's time you took some small measure of responsibility... for where you choose to put your own penis.

Could you please not talk about my penis? I can't begin to tell you how creepy it is.

When he was little he thought it was a Tootsie Roll. You remember that?

I used to see him over and try to No, no, no!

La, la, la Phillip. Phillip. Hey, Phillip.

That's terrible to listen to. Take a seat. Take a seat, pal.

I get it. This is a private moment.

Unless you wanna talk more about Phillip's Tootsie Roll and the way he licks it.

So I am gonna head out. Okay? That's it for me.

Have a good one.

See you, Boner. Are you kidding me with that?

Was it you? Yeah.

All right. So, again...

No, no. No. No. Goddamn it.

Okay, J, come on. Hey. Hey. You just took a spill. That's all.

Okay, buddy? There you go. There you go.

Now give me a smile. Okay?

Okay, J.

You're okay.

Wah, wah.


Judd, honey. Judd.

Judd. Judd. Judd. Oh, God.

Thank God. You scared me to death.

Are you all right?

Go ahead.


Dad, when I was little, he used to call me J.

I remember.

I remember.

I know.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm so glad you tightened this.

Hi. You're not allowed on the ice in shoes.

I just wanna say something and then I'll go. Judd.

My mom is in love.

Well, that's nice for her.

The specifics are very hard to explain.

Very, very hard.

But I realized something.

I have never been in love. Not like that.

I've been too busy chasing this idea that I had about this perfect life... and life is not perfect.

It shouldn't be perfect.

It should be unpredictable and irrational... and complicated.

And I want a complicated life... where I can love someone like that.

Judd... And, now, listen.

I don't know if things would ever work out between us.

I'm emotionally inept, and you're a little strange.

You know, right? A little bit.

But you're a great strange.

You're honest.

And you're so...

You're good.

And I think that maybe someday... we could love each other like that.

And I'm sorry that I hurt you.

I didn't mean to.

Where do you go from here?

I don't know. I don't know.

Six months, I'm gonna be a dad.

And I've never been alone, so I was thinking that I would try that.

Well, you know I'm not a fan of small talk, so I'm gonna give you a hug... and wish you Godspeed.

Be good, Judd Altman.

Bye, Penny.

And love, love, love Is only heaven away Inside you the time moves Oh, my God. That was some speech. Thanks.

That was amazing. I love the part where you said I was strange.

I did say that, didn't I? I was hoping I heard myself wrong.

Was that all right?

So when you get your act together, you should call me.

Yeah. Did I not say that? No.

I didn't say I'm calling?

No. You just were like, I'm weird, but we could still be good together.

And we could love each other. You know, you want your alone time for six months.

Walk around, maybe get to think about things. I meant to say I'm calling in 6 months.

It was the whole reason to come here. I'm so sorry.

They're playing our song.

Yeah, does Cyndi Lauper have to be our song?

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick And think of you Caught up in circles Confusion is nothing new It's okay to cry, honey. Or laugh.

There's no correct response. I know, Mommy.

Mwah. Stay in touch, okay?

Sissy, my turn, my turn, my turn. Oh, yeah.

Buckle that good. Is it buckled? Okay, good.

Bye, Wendy. Bye, Annie.

All right. Drive safe.

I love you, Judd.

Are you gonna be okay with those two little kids on the plane?

Deflecting emotion with logistics. Nice.

Well, it's what we do.

I'm gonna come in when the baby's born.

You keep me posted. I will.

No, you won't. But I'm coming anyway.

Goodbye. I'll see you soon, Dad.

And then there were three.

So Mom just wakes up one morning and decides she's a lesbian.

Yeah, it's been that kind of week, hasn't it?


Phillip. Needs a job.

You need a job. I'll be okay.

Do you really believe that?

I'm getting there.

Dad always had a soft spot for him, didn't he?

I think he liked us because we were kind of like him.

He likes Phillip because he was nothing like him.

Okay, I'll bring him into the business.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, Paul. You are a good guy. The secret's out.

He's the good brother. Very cool of you. Thank you.

Okay, okay. Before you get too excited, here's the deal:

When it comes to Phillip screwing up, like he will... you and I are partners, 50-50.

Okay? That is a deal. You got it.

Have you guys tried this kugel? It's terrible.

Oh, shit, I just spit in the kugel.

I'm gonna live to regret this, aren't I? Of course you are.

Let me cut it off the one side. I'll get you some.

Slipping away in broad daylight?


I just wasn't up to the drama of a big goodbye, so...

No, I get it.

So Paul offered me the job.


I told him I'd mull it over. You know, consider my options.

I don't wanna seem too eager.

You're an idiot. I really am.

Come here.

I'll see you later, little brother.


Come here.

Are we doing this ironically or...?

We can tell ourselves that. Okay, good.

Okay, keep in touch.