Three Night Stand (2013) Script

Flowers! Yay!

Thank you. They're beautiful, baby. Thank you.

Yeah, you like it? Yeah.

Did you pack?

Mm... Oh, come on, I left a note.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw the note, Carl.


"Pack the cooler, pick out a cute outfit for the road, and, hey, sneak in a winter jog if you feel like it."

The last part pissed me off, so I didn't do anything.

It was a josh!

I'm really excited about this weekend.

Oh, God, don't. You have bad breath.


Super excited.

Gonna give it to her this weekend at a bed & breakfast.

Congratulations, by the way. Thanks. Actually, we're We just were so broke back then we couldn't afford the rings.

I see. So, you had a cash bar at the wedding and shit?

Are you crazy?

After 10, yeah. Yeah.

Dad! Fuck, please, I'm with a client here.

It looks very bad.

Get in the back, please. I'm sorry.

No... When they get older, He's like a little vegetable with glasses.


Unh! Hey, have you guys heard anything about the design position?

Yes! You didn't get it. They read the part on your resume that says you're retarded.

Ah. But I did hear that at E Arts in Vancouver. Here we go.

Robyn Leffurn, yes.

How is that boner machine? What?

You know what a boner machine is, right?

No. Oh. It's a machine that makes So, five years later and we're still hearing about your ex.

Yeah, I'm aware. So, you excited Yes, I'm so excited.

I'm... beyond.

Ah, I'm jealous. My weekend plans consist of trying to stop Doug from eating wheat and sugar.

Diet? It's a yeast infection.

We've been passing one back and forth like a hot potato.

That's nice. It's nice to share.

And with that, I bid you adieu.

Bye. You have fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Uh. Oh, now you're in for it.

Fabulous conducting. Why, thank you.

So, Ryan's emailed me the ski route to Sainte-Adle for the It looks like it's gonna be an awesome workout.

Oh, cool, 'cause all I wanna do this weekend is exercise.

That he gave us the best room in the B&B, the Lovers' Suite?

That's what it's called? That's what it's called.

So, still no word yet on the promotion. Can you believe that?

When are they gonna decide? They can't keep me on the floor forever. It's like... on local cheeses while we're here.

Local cheeses!

Let's get some cheese up in this bitch.

Is there where you murder me and stuff me in the trunk?

This is where we tear each other's clothes off and make passionate love to each other.

Oooh. Yeah.

All right, let me just pee first.



Do we have any Kleenex?

Uh... there's a paper bag back here.


I think I have a receipt in my wallet.

Hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Hurry up!

How'd you know this place was here?

Uh... all these vin... these little vineyards have hideaways like this.

Drip dry.


Don't slam the door.

Why do you always slam the door? That's a woman thing.

Oh, is the car gonna break, Carl? Is it gonna break?

Here, take one of these. Can you put the pumps on?

Oh! I'm sorry.

Put 'em on, put 'em on, put 'em on.

Mmm. Watch the seats. Here.

No, no, no. I wanna keep it on.

No, I just got a really not so great bikini wax.

Yeah, I don't care, I don't care about the little bumps.

From behind.

Ow! Ooh, uh, sorry. OK, ready?


Oh, God. 'K, let's come fast, OK?

Please don't take like half an hour again.


Oh, God.

Oh, fuck. Shit, Sue.


Oh, does it feel good? Yeah.

Yeah, you fuckin' like that? Yeah.

Yeah, you fuckin' like that? Carl, shut up. Yes.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You can do it, Carl.

Tell me how you were waiting for me.

Uh, OK. Um...

So, you're on a skidoo, and, uh, you come across me in the forest, a little ski bunny that needs a big lollipop to suck.

Oh, hello.

Can I give you a ride?

Yeah, OK.

Um, I'm your wife's dumber and hornier cousin from Italy.

Uh, me no speak-a no English. Oh, don't do that.

Me no speak-a English. Why are you doing that?

Sorry. You wanna spray my snowsuit?

Oh, yeah, spray your face.

And, uh, luckily, you put my hand on a language everybody understands:

A big, hard, throbbing American cock.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't...

It's OK.

It's nice to get the feeling back in my legs.

This is adorable! Yeah, you like it?

Yeah. Eee! Head on in, I'll get the bags. Thank God for my sweater.

Yeah, bitch.

The one thing I won't renovate is the Lovers' Suite.

I mean, you'll see. It has so much charm, it's like going back in time. Cool, cool.

So, should I take the stairs, or my DeLorean to get there?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing here?

What's the deal? You guys know each other?

Yeah, uh... Yeah, uh, Robyn used to be my boss. Really?

Yeah. Wait. Robyn?

I thought... Robyn? I thought your name was Ryan.

Whoa. You're Ryan? You're the Ryan I've I can't believe that you're the Carl.

I mean, you are an excellent speller, by the way.

Well, jeez, come here. I mean, it's amazing to see you. It's, uh... Yeah.

Hi, I'm Sue, this man's wife. Yes, wife, her.


Hi. You are stunning.

Oh. I mean, really.

You walked through the door, and I was like, "Wow. Am I working at a supermodel agency?"

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Can we rewind real quick?

Why are you calling yourself Ryan?

That's really embarrassing.

Um, I guess that it's just all part of the new me, along with simple problems like fixing broken drainage pipes and making beds.

I don't... I don't get it.

I bought this place.

You what?

What about Vancouver?

Your job? Did I hear you quit? Ah, I just needed a break.

I mean, the plan is to give this lodge a facelift and then give it to my parents as a retirement gift.

Wow, that's amazing of you. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Like, I am learning, one hammered thumb at a time. So, what, it's been like five years last October?

I think, I think. Oh, uh, or something like that. Yeah. You look great.

Oh, my God. I'm totally breaking out.

I mean, flashback to grade 10 yearbook photo. Mortified.

Let me get the room key.

Shit. This is work. It's a file error.

Sounds interesting. I'll help Susan with the bags.

It's Sue. Sue.

Haven't changed my name yet.



Is here, at the fucking lodge we're staying at!

What the fuck?! Oh, my God, what?!

Excuse me, lady, what occurred here?

Is this turning you on? Should I call the wet police? What?

Carl, where are you?

I'm in the Laurentians.

I don't know. I'm at, uh, just some area here.

Oh, my God, Carl.

Stacey, just... just stop. No. No!

No, no, no, no, no. I can explain this, OK?

Consider this your cold shower, Your Horniness.

What is she doing there anyway?

With the owner, and the owner turns out to be her.

She bought a ski lodge? What? I mean, of all the ski lodges, why the fuck would she buy this one?

Ask you the same question. Why? Why, out of the all the ski Take Sue where? Doug, you gotta shut up.

No, you better shut your fuckin' mouth.

Perfect lately, and... and I just thought that this might spark something for us, you know?

Apply this. Aha, OK.

But so we're clear, it was your oven that leavened my bread. Carl?

Yeah, what was I saying? [Um, something about to a ski lodge that was your romantic getaway with another woman. What?!

We should leave. I should cancel the trip, shouldn't I?

What are you gonna tell her?

You get back in there, you have the weekend you planned, because that is all you can do, Carl.

Just answer your phone.

: Hi.

Hey. What do you think?

I love it. Yeah, it's great, right?

Is everything good at work? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I sorted out the, uh, file error.

The reception sucks up here, though.

Isn't this place cute, Carlito's Way?

Answer: Yes.

Hey, uh, you're not gonna believe this. I forgot my boots.

You're kidding me. It's all these heels you made me bring, you fuckin' perv.

Shit. We'll just go into town tomorrow and we'll get you Um, hey, do you want to go into town tonight maybe?

And get dinner?

Really? You've been talking about this place's confit de canard all week.

Well, I don't know.

I don't wanna get back in the car, babe.

It's dark and we don't know where we're going.

Hey, uh, what... what... what was your deal down there?

Why were you acting so weird? Is this shirt... is this too urban? What do you think?

Would you just stand still for a second? What's your deal with Ryan - Robyn?

What is that? Oh. Uh... yeah.

Well, full disclosure: We used to date.

...inanimate objects. I...

Robyn dated you?

The tone seems like you're shocked.

Well, how long did you guys go out for?

I don't know. Honestly, I don't really remember.

I was mostly just shocked at how much she's aged.

Seriously? Yeah.

She's beautiful. I... I can't imagine what she looked like before if she's aged.

She's OK. She's not, uh... ho-ho-ho!

So, why have I never heard of this person before?

Oh, no, I have definitely mentioned her before. You No. No, no. You never mentioned her.

Well, it just never came up. You know.

Younger people talk about their exes. That's So, I'm assuming that you slept with her?

We were adults at the time, so yeah. Amazing.

But it was totally forgettable.

I mean, she's just... she's one of those pretty women who doesn't know how to be sexy.

And for the record, I had no idea that I was emailing She was signing her emails "Ryan," which is just bizarre.

Who does that?

I don't know. Ryan.

All right, well... Well, hold on.

I mean, she must have known that she was emailing No, I used my Hotmail account.

I use my Hotmail account when I book to avoid spam.

This is weird.

We should... we should change lodges.

No, it's nobody's fault.

I understand. It must be super weird running into her. I want you to be comfortable.

No, I... Yeah. I want you to be comfortable, and I want this weekend to be awesome.

I'm fine if you are. Really?

Yeah, yeah. You're amazing.

I know I am. I am soooo cool.

You're not cool.

You're amazing. This sweater does not make you cool.

All right, all right.

Get the door. Just watch your head.

Seriously, stop it. Feel the rhythm.

Stop making me laugh. I will drop you, I swear to God.

Bonjour. Bonsoir.


: What the fuck?

What's up? Are you OK? Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Are you staying here?

Oh, bonjour. Je suis Sue.

Lise Winters. Enchantée. Enchantée.

Enchantée. Hi!

Hi! Mwah, mwah! I'm Carl.

Carl. This is Carl. Hey, how's it going?

Hey. Oh, hey. You too. Please, sit, sit. It would Really? Yeah? Ah, yes, join us.

OK. All right. Uh...

Carl's American, hence the perfect accent.

Well, I wish I could play music, but...

Babe, Anatolii is an actor.

He's amazing. I just saw that, uh, that French film you did. You were...

Naked for most of it. That too.

Ah, he was naked. I'll take the credit.

Well done. Good body. Ha, ha. Well, well, I'm already a fan of your turtleneck, so I'm sure... so I'm sure I'd be a fan of your work.

Do you guys have any, uh, any plan for the weekend, or?

Oh, yes. We are going on a vineyard tour.

A hard look at what activities we both enjoy...

Sounds good.

Shut up. I love her. Oh, I adore her.

I love her. Who is she?


Well, it sounds compelling.

Yeah, excellent. I like your pumps. I have I have to pee! Sorry, I have to get the pee out of my body.

Preferably in a toilet.

Um, upstairs, first door on the left.

Fantastic. All right, I'll be back.

: I'll be back.

Let me clear your plates.

Hi. Tell me everything. She seems like she's doing really great. She's still the most annoying person Is she still a boner machine?

But it's funny, I can see why it didn't work out.

No... Babe, I can't hear anything. What should I do?

I think you should shut the fuck up while I'm doing yoga.


I need you, OK? I need...

Wait a second, what?

...emergency. Huh? What do you mean


I gotta go.

Oh. Sorry.

Don't say you're sorry, man. It's a sign of weakness.

Thanks for the tip.


I call that a perfect dismount, no thanks to you and your mouth.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Hi. Hey.

Ryan's gonna eat with us. Oh.

I... I don't want to spoil your dinner.

No, you're not, you're not. She's was gonna eat alone I've run out of conversation topics with the fridge Ah. Relax, Carl. Sit.

Yeah, yes.

Let's relax.

Mm, so, this is a local cabernet, and it goes best with the entire bottle.

Would you like some? Oh, no thanks. I don't drink.

OK. No, I'm good, a question. Why does Anatolii have a different accent He's been working in France since he was a teenager.

He's still a teenager.

Jailbait. Word.

Gross. Both of you. Very gross.

So... can you believe that I'm sitting here with you and your drop-dead-gorgeous wife?

It's pretty surreal.

So, tell me, how are things at work?

Yeah, good. I mean, you must be... one of the top dogs by now, no?

Well, you know, there's a lot of, uh... politics there, and we're not really developing anything new.

Why... am I defending myself?

You're doing great, baby.

So, uh, so, riddle me this: What's your deal?

Are you single? Divorced? Are you, uh...

Is there a Mr. Ryan back in, uh, BC, or what?

I am... comically single.

So, you never settled down?

Well, I recently made the mistake of dating someone from work, and when it started to fizzle, he started talking about our private life in front of everyone, and completely humiliated me, and ejaculated all over my office.

Are you serious? He masturbated into a picture frame and left it on my desk.

: Oh!

Romantic. Wow. I'm sorry. That's terrible.

Awful. Yeah.

I was never cut out for a husband and kids.

I'm a loner.

Yeah, you're like Julian Assange, living out of a backpack and changing the world, right?

Who's Julian Assange again? Ah.

Twenty-four-year-olds get their news from Perez Hilton, so...

Julian Assange is WikiLeaks. He's the guy who...

Yeah, I know what it is, Carl. I just forgot his name.

You're cute. Fuck you.

Did you notice that she didn't ask us one single question at that meal?

It was completely 100% about her, like the whole time.

I know. Yeah, yeah.


It seems like she has a very interesting life.

Nobody's ever jacked off into one of my picture frames.

I'll jack off in your picture frame.

: Carl, get off.

I'll hit you. Uh, also, what right does she have to criticize me about my work?

It's like, I'm sorry, Ryan, if I'm not as successful She's so skinny. Yeah.

Are you still attracted to me?

Am I still attracted to you?

Are you kidding me? You're like perfect.

I need to work out more. No, you don't.

What are you talking about? I'm so attracted to you.

Look at me, look at that.

We could camp under it.

Yeah. It's a cool cock, babe.

Thanks. Cool.

Well... Cool stuff.

Honk. Mm.

Honking a boner. Doesn't quite work.


Hey, hey, did you see this?

Have you seen this?

No, what am I looking at? What is that?

We should carve our names into it.

No. Look, Sailor No, I don't like it. Why not? Come on.

It's like... it's like defacing the place.

Are you joking? No, I'm not joking.

You're such a wiener. Who are you?

I didn't bring a knife, hon. I'm sure we can find a knife.

No, it's cheesy. Mmm.

I'm tired. I'm just tired.

We haven't even christened the room yet.

OK, I know, but I just feel like one failed attempt in one day is enough for me, you know what I mean?

Is that OK?

That was bitchy. Babe.

No, I didn't realize I was vacationing with a cold fish.

Wow. Really?

I'm sorry, I'm just disappointed.

You know what, if it was gonna be fast, I'd be down, but lately sex has become such a production with you.

It's annoying that I always have to recite that fantasy in this baby porno voice. You don't have to dissect our sex lives. OK, you like specific shit too.

Yeah, sure, I do, but... Yeah, I know you do!

Yeah! Your tastes are very repetitive. I feel like I'm in a Broadway play that's been running for 3 years. Bravo, babe.

Sometimes a woman just needs to be fucked by her man, so she feels like he can't help it.

Preferably in under an hour.

I'm sorry I'm so inadequate.

This is a good look.

Let's just watch some Conan and go to bed.


Hey. Hi. Hey.


Aw, geez Louise, you look beautiful.

I missed you. I missed you too.

And you lost your dead grandma's sweater.

Thank you so much. You're so sweet. I love them.

What do you love?

* Da-da-da ding, da-da-da-da ding, ding ding-ding-a-ding *

Where'd you get those?

Am I interrupting a make-out session?

No, no making out, as far as I'm aware.

Tell me they fit.

Wait a sec, you got these for me?

I mean, I had to go into town anyway, so...


How did you know that she needed boots?

Oh, the rooms are bugged.

: I'm just kidding.

Sue told me last night. I can't believe you did that. That's, like, the sweetest thing ever.

Prego, grazie, it's not-a big-a deal.

Uh, what's with the pails? Oh, I'm going to the maple syrup factory. I mean, the barn with a couple of pots in it.

You make your own maple syrup? Well, it's a dream my dad had, so I'm trying to figure it out.

You do, like, everything.

Yeah, that's, like... that's wild.

Is it a complicated process? If you help me out, I'll teach you everything I know.

We'll be two and a half minutes, Carl.

Very funny. Yeah, I mean, I could...

You should go, yeah. I'll wax the skis up.

OK. Yeah. Have fun. Don't fall in.

Bye. Bye.

OK, then.


Bon matin. Yeah, hi.

We are here! What the fuck We are... here! What do you think we're Seriously, what the fuck?! You said it was an emergency.

I didn't ask you to come the fuck up here!

Yes, you did, you did. You said, "Stace, I need We came. I didn't say that.

Oh, my God. I didn't say that. But OK. Fuck, fuck, fuck. OK, Doug, let's go, let's go.

OK, yeah, yeah, I'll just get my chauffeur hat.

You know, I really... Can I please pee? 'Cause I'd prefer it if you get in the fucking Jeep and go.

Guess how many times we stopped on the way here.

I don't give a shit! Five times.

OK, you've got the bladder of an 80-year-old man.

Is that her?

She's a fuckin' babe. My God.

That megalomaniac hasn't aged a day.

Hi. Hi.

: Hey, hey, hey.

Did you guys make some syrup? Yeah.

How was the, uh, the sugar - with the maples? The...

Hey. What are you guys doing here?

Oh, nothing.

Yeah, they, uh... drove up here...

And they're here, at the lodge we're staying at.

Wait a second.

Stacey Humes?

Heeey! Wow, you look terrific.

Oh, thanks. Mwah.

Exactly the same. Actually I just Oh, nice. Douglas Reginald.

Your acquaintance. Ah, the man who made Yeah. The reservation?

Going on here. What's going on here?

Could you escort me to a john? I need to do a bladder drainage Let me get my surgical gloves. Follow me.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. This is just so ridiculous.

They're insisting on tweaks for the distributor meeting on Monday, and I've been trying to reach you, but I couldn't get you, so... The cell reception's terrible.

And also we're on our getaway. That's 'cause we wanted to get Get away! What kind of tweaks?

The dark prince's underbite. He's like...

Yeah. They said, "He'd be able to afford orthodontic work - he's a prince," and I was said, "OK, why don't you eat each other's assholes instead?"

That's a good comeback. I wouldn't have bugged you if it weren't for the promotion, right?

'Cause I know how much that means to you.

Yeah, it means a lot.

And you decided to stay the night?

No! No, of course not.

That's fun, that's fun. No. No.

We're gonna do the work, Doug's gonna piss a few times, and we're gonna leave. Good morning.

Oh, great. I didn't know you had friends coming up. Neither did we.

Yeah. Stacey, je presente Lise et Anatalie. It's Anatolii.

I know who you are and I love you.

Are you guys still going on that vineyard tour?

On a ski route that links all the wineries.

Please come. It will be so chill if we're all together.

Uh, no, no, no, they have their own plans, dear.

We do. You know what? Plans recently changed, so I'm in.

Babe, you don't even drink. I can try the local cheeses.

You're obsessed with cheese.

Hey, hey. I'm... I'm sorry. I thought we were going Right. See, I don't give a shit about rocks, though.

I am so sorry about all... about this. It's crazy.

How could you forget to take the dark prince's socioeconomic background into consideration, Carl?

You don't take my work seriously.

You don't. You barely asked me about my promotion. It was a...

You said you didn't get it yet.

Yeah, I know!

What do you want me to do here? I'm...

Oh, I want you to go hang out with your BFF who can't leave I'll be wine tasting with your ex.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, I guess we can put off the work and tag along.

I mean, I heard there's some really good cabernets...

What work, Stacey?! The... fake work.

Well, excuse me for trying to make the most of the trip.

* Everywhere

* That we go

* Everywhere

* That we go

* Seein' warm

* People

* Feel the positive pole

* Yes oh yes, but so...

Sue, give me your skis; I'll lock 'em together.

Oh, yeah, thanks, Carl. It's a rough neighborhood.

Hey, Sue, wait up.

We'll start with whites. We are suspending Doug's diet in light the situation. Thank you.

The plan is to have dirty, infected sex tonight, right, my pet? There isn't anything not disgusting about that last sentence. Please don't call What's lodged up your ass, man?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's that my wife is with the love of my life. Do you get how messed up that the love of your life in the same sentence as your wife?

That's not what I meant, Stace.

Well, what did you mean?

I don't know, Doug!

OK, listen. I know, I know. You're looking at Robyn, you're remembering how she would boss you around in a meeting, and then you'd be the one in control when you'd be of her car, OK? Respect.

How is that supposed to help me?

She's just the one that got away, Carl. Everyone has one.

She's your white buffalo. Mine was an ex-con.

What? Yeah. Louise.

Louise. She was a mugger.

What I mean by that is she used to... mug everybody.

It was a real problem. And then she... she got away.

Besides, dude, Robyn is so weird. She's buying her parents a ski lodge that she used as a fuck den.

OK, we did a little bit more than just...

Yeah, it's kinda weird. I didn't think about that until just now.

Yeah, and I'm gonna tell you something.

I didn't like you when you were with Robyn.

Yeah, I said it. You were suddenly above everything.

'Cause I remember being happy. Oh, really?

Well, when you were happy, everyone hated you, so...

Dude, you have a great wife. Yeah, I know I have a great who married her. So then what the fuck?

So then nothing, OK? Everything's gonna be fine.

Everything's fine, everything's great, except for the fact that you guys decided to show up.

Kidding. Come on, bring it in.

I love you. Shouldn't have come.

So, it's nice that, uh, you get to spend so much time with Anatolii.

We haven't seen each other in months.

I don't know if he stays in France to avoid me, or the women he's entered in Montreal, many of whom are my peers.

Excuse me? One doesn't prepare for dinner parties with friends that have fucked your son.

That's an interesting problem to encounter.

: Bonjour.

** Toi qui me quitte avec la levée du jour *

* Et qui me laisse dans I'espoir d'un retour *

* Pourquoi ne pas faire durer ce matin *

* Jusqu' demain *

* Je t'offrirai

* Des croissants de soleil pour déjeuner *

* la saveur de miel et de rosée *

* Sur un plateau de drap et d'oreiller *

* Qui fait rver *

* Puis nous dînerons de paroles de rve *

* Nous goutterons I'amour et I'eau fraîche *

* Et puis quand viendra le nouveau matin *

* On sera si bien

* J'inventerai

* Des recettes de bonheur volonté *

* Sur une musique venue d'un ciel de mai *

* Que tu ne voudras plus jamais quitter *

* Sans regretter

* La la la la

* La la la la la la la la la la *

* La la la la la la la la la la *

* La la la la *

Oh, my God!

Formidable! Formi-fuckin'- dable!

That was beautiful, babe.

Thanks. You're so talented.

Thank you. OK.

Come on, let's eat.

Anatolii and I are gonna smoke a pinner.

We're in the middle of a meal. Yeah, I'm not so hungry.

Ate a lot of cheese.

I'm kind of obsessed with it. Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Could you just leave him alone for like two seconds?

How much wine have you had?

Hardly any. Would you let go?

You're pinching me.

What is wrong with you?!

Mine tastes like Dr. Crapperstein compared to this.

Where is everybody?

Well, Stacey and Doug went to pee.

He's a highly hydrated individual.

And, um, the rest left.

How nice of them.

You wanna walk?


So, I used to have this fantasy/nightmare about the guy you end up with. Hm.

Yeah. So, you're in a limo, and you're, uh, you're on the way to, um, the premiere of a game he designed.

Oh, here we go.

And, uh, and I... pop into your head, just like this... momentary thought.

And then you look at the guy, the new guy...

...and you think to yourself, "Wow...

...this guy inspires me so much more."

And then you guys just fuck.

Does he have a bigger dick than you?

Oh, yeah. Balls too. Oh, my God.

You love to torture yourself.

Fuck you. OK.

Fuck me.

You remember when we did it in the floor of your office With the door open.

Do you remember when you used to whisper in my ear...

That I wanted to go down on my knees so the entire staff would know I was yours?

The world was our canvas, and we used every color imaginable to paint it.

Well, if you ever quit game design, you could get into the greeting card business.

He became obsessed with the animals he painted.

These are terrifying. Yeah, that's his intention.

Fear of that which infatuates us.

Apparently he married this owl.

What the fuck? For tax reasons, I'm assuming.


I just found my new tattoo.

: He has your eyes.

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't fantasized about being back here.

Was the helmet part of it?

Can I ask you something?

Why do you like me so much?

Like you?

I'm only good in the beginning, the exciting part. I can't do the rest.

I think you're addicted to men falling in love with you.

Don't reduce me to that because it didn't work Work out?

How could it have possibly worked out? You left!

You never flew to Vancouver to tell me.

You never fought for me.

But why here?

Why did you buy this fucking place?

Because there is a part of me that was hoping this was more a than memory too.

I loved you, Carl, no matter what you think.

That guy's going really fast.

Hey, slow down!

Slow down!

Oh, fuck, what? Come on! Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Currently I'm trying to keep warm.

Wait, you know this guy? Who are you?

He's nobody. Oh, thanks a lot. Yeah.

Would you mind telling me what the hell is going on right now?

Please, I'd love to hear it. I'm as curious as shit-face Carl, this is Aaron... OK., um... husband.

You're... you're married? To this guy?

Separated. Yeah, thanks for How did you know I was here? Your parents told me.

Oh, and want to pass this message along. They think you're wonderful and amazing and have never done anything wrong This is the guy from your office?

You're Aaron Berg, aren't you? I recognize you. You're Oh, and you must be Sherlock Holmes, is that right?

I'll take Watson, thank you. She's got a better body.

OK, Carl, can you take the skidoo back?

And Aaron and I, we'll walk. Yeah, could you get the fuck out of here, ski patrol? Hey, you know what?

You destroyed the skis! You destroyed my skis, pal!

Yeah, they're fucked! I can see that!

What are you doing in the middle of the woods with this piece of dog shit?

He's a friend, trust me. He's married.

You can't do this. You can't fly here and expect anything.

I just want to talk. So talk.

I love you, and I want you to come home so that we can It was never my home. I was always a visitor there.

Don't say that, OK? I hate when you say that shit!

Don't get "angy." I'm not... I'm not I'm just saying, you're buying a fucking ski lodge in Quebec.

A psychotic episode or something?

Oh, it wasn't that bad. Oh, oh, really?

Ejaculating all over my desk? I'd call that pretty bad.

That seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Oscar misses you.

Right. He does. It's like a wake at our house. We can't watch any of our shows.

I have all the Rookie Blu PVR'd.

Watch 'em.

I'm caught up. Crazy stuff happens.

What? Hey, I can't get this fucking thing started. I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm really sorry. Why the fuck are you still here, huh?! Hey, you know what, pal?

I think she's making her feelings pretty clear, OK?

Oh, is that right? Excuse me, just one second.

Fake head butt? Stop!

What are you gonna do, motherfucking bitch?

Mr. Slap My Face? OK, OK, OK, Carl, Yeah, go.

Oh, that's right, I can't get it started.

Love to get out of here. I'd love to get out of your hair.

I'd love it.

Get it started. A little turn of the key.

It's really nice to meet you, man. That was sarcasm.

Yeah, nice to meet you. Ride this back to the lodge, you fuckin'...

I can't believe she's married to Aaron Berg.

You should have seen the guy; he was a fuckin' maniac.

Hey, I'm really sorry about this, about all this -

Stacey, and everything...

I'm sorry I was... jealous of Anatolii. He seems like a perfectly nice, very handsome young man.


There's something I want to tell you about Robyn and I.


Our relationship was a little more intense than I originally led on.

We actually dated for like a year.


Yeah, but it was... everything that's wrong in a relationship.

It was toxic, passionate...

Sounds awful. The whole thing consisted of just fighting and fucking...

Stop! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just thought I owed you the truth.

Are you OK?

I think so.

It's so odd that you've never mentioned this person.

I love you so much.

I want to be buried next to you.

And you can wear your... your disgusting sweater for eternity.

I've got a surprise for you.

I have something for you. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

If you guys went out for a year...


Well... it's kind of amazing that she happened to buy the lodge that you brought me to.

No, no, I had no idea... It's just a big coincidence.

Depends on how you look at it.

Have you been here with her?

I thought you would think it was weird, so I didn't...

You have? Now, hold on, I haven't...

It is weird, Carl. It's extremely fucking weird.

Clearly you knew that or you wouldn't have kept it a secret. Yeah, I did keep it a secret because I knew that you would think it was weird.

I just said that. Oh, OK, uh, Greece is romantic.

If I'd taken her to Greece, does that mean we could Probably not; that's just how it works.

And this isn't a fucking country, Carl; it's a ski lodge.

How many times have you been up here?

Does that matter? More than once?

I don't know, a few times. Did you stay in this room? Did you stay in the fucking Lovers' Suite?

It's a small inn. We probably stayed in all the rooms.

You probably fought and fucked all over this place.

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick.

No, listen, I picked this place because I knew it was nice, and I thought you would like it.

That's it, that's the whole... Where are you going?

It's freezing outside!


What are you doing?

I'm not allowed to bring my iPad, but you can fucking...

I'm so fucking sick of your rules, Carl.

What are you doing?

It's her, isn't it?

It looks like you. I designed her to look like you.

I don't have a fucking rose tattoo on my forearm.

You're obsessed with her. No, I'm not obsessed with her.

What happened on that ski trail? What happened?

You were completely flushed when you came in.

Yeah, he slapped me in the face!

Well, why the fuck would he slap you if you hadn't

The clothes you get me to wear. The heels. You've been trying to mold me into your ex-girlfriend for years!

That's insane! No shit! I have changed so much for you. I've changed everything!

I've changed tons of things for you.

I quit drinking for you. No, you quit drinking for you.

You were drunk every fucking night! You were dr...

I was a kid! Sorry I wasn't inspiring the world with a fucking ski lodge! I don't want that.

You don't know what the fuck you want.

I just want you. Please, please.

Give me the keys. Please, please! I'm not gonna Give me your keys, Carl! Please...

Stop it!

Sue, where are you gonna go? Where are you gonna go?

Door... slam!

Oh, my God!

Sue, Sue, are you OK?


You know, it's pretty incredible that you've held Look, hey, maybe there's something to be said about that, you know? On the other hand, you could have, like, an obsessive disorder, in which case we should... we should talk to a physician.

You want me to be quiet?



Sue, are you all right, baby? Get the fuck out of here, Get the fuck away from me. Get out!

I want to take her to the hospital.

50km away, so I would advise against it.

Oh, oh, you would? You'd advise against it?

He'd advise against it. How is she?

Well, we think she's had a concussion.

Shit. Well, how do you know?

He's some kind of life coach.

You're a life coach? I'm a trained lifeguard.

Like in real life?

This isn't some erotica film? Hey, man, I passed bronze med.

Oh, that's no joke. Well, she asked that you don't sleep in her room tonight, asshole - her words.

She'll see you tomorrow, asshole.

Is that second "asshole" from you, or her?

Listen, you gotta wake her up intermittently throughout the you slap her in the face, you punch her in the teeth.

Seriously, man? She has a concussion.

So you punch my wife in the teeth?

Basically he's saying his mom is gonna sleep with Sue, and it hasn't happened yet, but that is going to happen, and that... I'm getting that Anatolii...

I'm just getting that Anatolii is not happy about that.

Trouble in paradise?

Look, Carl, I'm... sorry about your skis.

And also for slapping you in the face.

The skis were a limited edition.

Find them on the internet. Probably not.

It'll be challenging.

Have a beer with me. Honestly, I just want to get some sleep. I will have a beer.

Me too. My day buzz is wearing off.

Oh-ho-ho, quick, inject the female with some alcohol before she turns into a fucking monster.

There you go, you got some drinking buddies.

Well, I wouldn't want to make you "angy."

What's your, uh, tattoo?

That is a panther, those are lightning bolts shooting out of its eyes; therefore it's a lightning panther.

I love it. It's impossible not to.

So, you're the Carl that went out with my wife.

Hm. And you're the husband we never knew existed.

She didn't mention me?

I probably wasn't listening. Yeah, I tend to tune her out myself. Mm-hmm.

Well, most do. You know, frankly, I just... expected someone a little...

Yeah, well, the feeling's mutual.

I guess we know she has a type.

I'm too hot for her. You know, it's crazy.

You're the guy whose career I wish I had.

Yeah, well, I had a kid really young, so it made me grow up fast. Oh, how old is your little twerp? He's not a twerp anymore.

He's got pubic hair.

Oscar is 13, so...

Ah, 13. Yeah.

Were you 13 when you had him? Ha, ha. No.

Holly and I were seniors in high school.

Holly's my first wife.

Wow. Well, maybe third time will be the charm.


No, um, this is gonna work out.

I mean, it... it has to.

Robyn is, uh... everything to me, so...

Honestly, I respect that. I do. I mean, you chased Yeah. And it didn't work out.

I mean, sometimes I wish I had done the same.

What do... what do you mean by that?

Oh, come on, Doug. When I was a little girl, I didn't exactly dream of being with a man with a supernatural and a yeast infection. Serious?

It's very serious.

To you and not settling.

My body, my rules! Oh! I'm sorry.


Oh, um...

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I...

This room is not part of the B&B experience.

I am still renovating. I'm sorry, I'm gone.

I'm so sorry. No, wait, wait. It's fine, it's fine. This pigeon pose - everything just comes gushing out, you know?

I'm so mortified.

There. Better?


Nice tights. Heh. Not.

Remember when Borat brought the "not" back?

Comedy works in cycles.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that's very funny.

You knew you were emailing with me, right? I haven't changed my work email in 10 years.

A little strange you didn't mention it.

A little strange you brought your wife here.

It's a mistake to over- intellectualize paintings.

Picasso said it's like the sound of birds - it fills you with emotion, yet you can't make sense of it.

Mm, that's cool. Mm.

: Morning.

What about you, Sue?

Did you get much rest with my mother molesting you?


Am I interrupting something? Yes.

Tough. Shared table.

Are you OK? Is your head all right?

It's never been more clear.

Do you ever take those heels off? It's 9am.

My nana sent them from Italy. Good morning, everyone.

'Tis a beautiful one. 'Tis, Ryan, 'tis. You know what I think it is?

It's all this history.

Good morning. Good morning!

Hey. I got morning hugs.

Come on. No.

Don't touch me. Whoa, you can't catch Ooh, ahh! What's on the grill?

Oh, fuck. Aaron, uh, You're pretty. And this is Lise and Anatolii.

Mmm. As you may have gathered, I do that is, when she makes it home for dinner.

If you look up "mortified" in the dictionary, you'll That's cute. The only place she can bear to lose control what I'm talking about, right? Are you kidding me?

Can you help me in the kitchen?

Jeez. My turn on the chore wheel again, I guess.

Do you know what it's like to have walked through your look of disappointment on their faces that I'm not Holly?

Who gives a shit what they think? They're fucking senile!

Who cares if Oscar doesn't like you? This is about us.

He said that? No.

He's a teenager - he hates everything.

Don't take is personally. I'm a horrible stepmother.

No, you're not. Just come home.

Look, I know that this has been hard, pickle.

How did you get out of your jar and all the way here?

I took a pickle plane.

The seating was cramped.

Hot beans?

Coffee? I will take half a cup.

Great. No problem. Anybody else?

Thank you. Do you want

What's sailor? Shh.

They went snowshoeing.

Who's "they?"

Your wife and the cougar.

I feel you, man.

I have a flight to Paris in six hours.

I've done an amazing thing coming here.

Yeah, yeah, you're such a great son, you see your mom twice a year Well, she's the one getting action now.



What's going on?

We were snowshoeing.

No, you weren't. The snowshoes are behind you, stuck in the fucking snow. I'll wait by the trail.

There's no need to wait. You can just leave.

You don't deserve her.

We shared a moment.

You know what that's like.

So, now you're... cheating on me with a woman that you just met.

Don't you think that you're overreacting a little bit?

Uh... I look at it as making up for lost What the fuck does that mean?

When you get sad, is it because you're thinking of her?


You know, for months you've been implying that this weekend was gonna be some big answer and I think I was in denial about what needed fixing.

We don't need fixing. Stop lying for two seconds!

I haven't been attracted to you for two years.

So, that's my thing.

You gross me out.

I do?

I'm glad this weekend happened.

I think it had to happen. So you can go fuck yourself, sailor.


Hey, Sherlock.

I see you've solved the mystery of starting the skidoo.

I did. I'm sorry I called you sailor.

No, it's all right.

It wasn't your fault.

Want to get on?

I was looking forward to the arm workout.

Get on the skidoo, Robyn.


Right here. This is good.

Oh... wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, I'm falling.

OK, right here. What are...

Oh. Oh, are you OK? Yeah, I'm all right.

Can you... are you, uh... Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want my... I can... They make it really hard to OK, I'm not on the pill, so pull out, OK?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Holy shit.


Oh, yeah.


Oh! Oh!

Yeah. Ah!

Ah. Yeah.

Shit. I'm sorry. Oh.

I'm sorry. Let me just... I can go... here.

Did you... did you? No.

No, you go ahead. Are you close?

Not really, no.

Um... uh...


Just, uh... can you tell me how you were waiting for me on the trail like a little slu... like, uh, in your snowsuit?

Uh, yeah. Um...

I was getting, uh, maple syrup at the tree, and, uh... and I was waiting for the sap... Yeah.

...'cause it takes a while. Yeah, sap will take And, um...

Shit. Robyn, are you crying?

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, no.

I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

I think so. You?

We should get going.

You go ahead.

No, I'm not gonna leave without you.

No, please go.

She's gone - with the hottie and his hot mother.

See you in the city.

Well, I'm on the 8 o'clock home tonight.

Yeah, I think she might have completely lost her mind.

Yeah. Can I call you back?

* I'll follow

* I'm yours, so...

Oh, of course that's what's happening.



Go home, Carl.

What the hell are you doing here, Carl?

You broke into my house? Are you kidding me?!

Now Anatolii's joined the party.

All right, all right, buddy, just... just cool your jets, OK?

Please, guys... OK, all right, I'm...

He knows Krav Maga.

Hey! Oh! Fuck! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop. Enough.

We need to speak. Your husband's a pussy.

What are you even doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on some movie set in Paris getting your... getting

And then they get the fuck out of this house.

Copy that.

Sorry to interrupt your dance party.

I think the best discovery I made this weekend was how much I miss wine.

I love you so much.

Not enough.

We don't love each other enough.

I disagree.

How do you know?

I slept with her.

I was... confused.

You said that it was over.

I was gonna give you this over the weekend.

I finally got our wedding rings.



How could you look into my father's eyes and ask to marry me if you had all this shit in your heart?

How could you make me walk down the aisle?

How can you do that to somebody?

What was I supposed to do? Just bow out of life because I have a little baggage?

Everyone's got exes, Sue; everyone's got little pieces of their heart that belong to other people.

It just becomes a part of who you are.

But you let it ruin us.

** What is this

* Got me feelin' so good right now *

* What is this

* Make me wanna run home anyhow *

* Whatever it is, yeah

* Oh, I cannot, cannot hold

* My peace

* Mmm *

Hi. Mmm.

All dressed up for the opera?

How's it been going... generally?

Be sure you chew that, now.

Is there anything in there he can cut himself with?

Later, dick nipples.

That's nipples on dicks.

That makes absolutely no sense.

I'll call you later.

OK. I'll be sure to screen the call.

It's Sue, right? Hmm?

It's good to see you back on stage, Carlos Santana.

You're in town for the Mexican parade?

Is there a... Mexican parade in town?

I don't know. No?

You look amazing. Oh.

I agree. I do look fantastic.

So, I've had some time to do some thinking.

Uh, yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Um... Before you say anything, I just want to... put something out there.

I'm seeing somebody.

That... Oh, that's cool.

Who is he?

He's just a guy.

We shouldn't have done this. No, we had to do it.

We had to.

If it didn't hurt, something would be wrong with me.

There's a lot wrong with you.

The fact is, I...

I lost... someone that I could have spent the rest of my life with.

It wouldn't have been right, though.

I acted more like a sister than a wife.

You were perfect.

No. No, no. No.

I knew that it was over long before that weekend.

And I was just too scared to do anything about it.

I miss you.

Just promise me you won't make your next girlfriend wear

I don't... think I can do that.

Mmm. You're doing great, baby.

You gross me out.

Fuck you.

** I don't want nobody to leave me *

* I don't need nobody to want me *

* I know this may sound strange right from the start *

* 'Cause when I wanted somebody to need me *

* When I needed somebody to want me *

* All I ever got was a broken heart *

* I felt no taller than the ground *

* True love had let me down *

* But I had to be a man and stand up tall *

* And this heart of mine was pure *

* But I know now for sure *

* That love, you didn't love me *

* You didn't need me, you didn't want me *

* Don't want nobody to change me *

* Or try to rearrange me *

* Just take away the pain that's tearing up my mind *

* 'Cause love has been my total destruction *

* Like a volcano eruption *

* To me, love and pain just seem to rhyme *

* I felt no taller than the ground *

* True love had let me down *

* I had to be a man and stand up tall *

* This heart of mine was pure *

* But I know now for sure *

* That love, you didn't love me *

* You didn't need me, you didn't want me *

* I don't want nobody to change me *

* Or try to rearrange me *

* Take away the pain that's tearing up my mind *

* Love has been my total destruction *

* Like a volcano eruption *

* To me, love and pain just seem to rhyme *

* Love don't love me

* No, no, no, no

* Love don't love me

* Love, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... **