Threesome (1994) Script

The word "deviant" comes from the Latin roots

"de," meaning "from," and "via," the road.

One who wanders from the road or gets lost, one who separates from the crowd.

Of course, nowadays it refers to someone whose sexual practices are abnormal.

This is the story of Stuart, Alex and me, and how, for a while, we became deviants, in both senses of the word.

♪ Baby, your deal is surreal

♪ Just like lightning Streaking on ♪

♪ Heaven still Is a state of mind ♪

♪ Where did we go wrong?

♪ What happened to Those old convictions? ♪

♪ Went up in smoke

♪ Baby, while your back Breaks slowly ♪

♪ By the skin of your teeth You'll be under their thumb ♪

♪ Moving from This state of friction ♪

♪ We all got stars In our eyes ♪

♪ But you know by now Your one restriction ♪

♪ Is at the edge of the sky

♪ Keep shining Like a new star ♪

♪ Shining like a new star

♪ Baby, we've a head start

♪ 'Cause, baby, we're alive

♪ Shadows are still When the will ♪

♪ Has no strength left To carry on ♪

♪ You're flat on you back With a heart attack ♪

♪ Where the hell Have you gone? ♪ Aah! Don't do it! It's a trap!

Run away! Aah!

♪ When you're playing a game, With the rats and the mice ♪

♪ While your back Breaks slowly ♪ It's been said that anyone who wants to live in a dormitory must either be a mental defective or a freshman.

I was neither. I was a junior transfer student and I thought living in a dorm couldn't be that bad.

I've never been quite that wrong, before or since.

Hi. Hi. Um, Eddy Howe.

Think I'm supposed to sign something.

Yeah. Here you go.

Okay. Right here.

♪ Shining like a new star Here's your key, and there you go.

Thanks. Where do I go? Upstairs.

Okay. Thank you. You're welcome.

Fresh meat. I saw him first.


Who are you?

I guess I'm your new roommate. Eddy.

I thought they were gonna let me keep this one as a single.

Fuck!

It's nice to meet you too.

What I quickly realized about Stuart was that he lacked that part of the brain which would stop him from saying things that might be offensive to other people.

I also realized, we couldn't have been less suited as roommates.

Fore!

But we managed to get along.

In fact, there developed a bizarre equanimity in the relationship, a balance.

I showed Stuart how to make his bed with hospital corners.

Lick the salt, drink the drink, suck the lime.

One, two, three.

And in return, Stuart taught me how to drink.

I wrote Stuart's English papers for him,

and he bought me dinner.

I cleaned the bathroom, and he took care of the laundry.

Sometimes he borrowed things of mine, And sometimes I borrowed things back.

You think it's real funny, don't you? How's this?

Stuart would be quiet so that I could study.

♪ I could sometimes change

♪ So I choose to forget the faces of this... ♪ And I gave him time alone to socialize with friends.

This delicate equilibrium in the relationship was soon upset by an arrival.

The other room in the suite, the single, had remained empty, until one day...

Whoever he is, he isn't very friendly.

But we soon met.

Stuart, did you go to class or stay in bed and masturbate?

You know, I've been...

Would you please get out of here?

It's a coed dorm. What's the problem?

It's coed within the buildings, not within the rooms.

So?

So the polite thing for you to do is go to the housing office, tell them there's a mistake and they need to get you new rooms.

No, no. We were here first.

Besides, why didn't you use Alexandria or whatever your full name is?

Alex is my full name.

Sounds like a man's name. It's lovely.

Wow. She's amazing.

Truly amazing.

♪ Amazing Grace It's not Grace, it's Alex.

♪ Amazing Alex Ow!

"Hendrickson, Alex. Male."

I'm a female. Trust me.

According to our files, you're a male.

Okay.

Let's just suppose for a second that I'm a female.

What would happen then?

I'd put you on the transfer waiting list and your name would probably come up in eight to twelve weeks.

There's a severe housing shortage in the area.

Would you consider living off-campus?

I can't afford it.

I can put you on the waiting list, but I'll need official verification that you are indeed a female.

Next.

It's only temporary, I mean, until I can find something.

I just... I'm not asking anyone, you know, to do anything silly, like put down the toilet seat.

I'm just asking that when you're done voiding your bowels, you flush.

After we're done what-ing our what?

She means, flush after you take one of those big dumps, moron.

Oh, is that what you mean?

That's a shame. I'm so proud of those.

In some countries, the size of a man's crap is a sign of his masculinity.

She avoided us.

What was it that kept her away?

♪ Why not go up? Why not go down? ♪

♪ Bobble and a-rock-a To the new style around ♪

♪ A-you planning to A-you feel whiny too ♪

♪ A-do the boom shak-a-lak A-to the dance hall tune ♪

♪ I say, the boom shak-a-lak It got the brand-new style ♪

I just love the smell of her dirty panties.

Stuart? For some unknown reason, Stuart was confident she'd come around.

I need to talk to you.

Yes, Alex?

If you don't stop eating my yogurt, I know it was you, I'm gonna kill you.

I'm gonna fucking kill you.

You make murder sound so sexual, Alex.

♪ I've known him all my life It seems so inconceivable ♪ Call us. Later.

Get that wrapped to go. I want to work on her.

She doesn't like you. When's it gonna penetrate?

As soon as you go away. Maybe.

Now wrap it and get it to go. Quickly. Go. Now.

Eat shit. Now.

Hey. One, two, three. Don't. Don't do that.

Go. Get out of here.

You're a Neanderthal, Stuart. You really are.

I know that. I know...

No, you're really growing.

You're growing as a person. That's important.

Maybe you show Alex that. Will you get out of here?

No. I have to order another slice of pizza.

There's a danger in our being over-friendly.

How can we be over-friendly if we aren't even friendly?

He's got a point.

It's a great book. You're gonna love it.

I've read it four times.

You know, I've often felt like the main character, Holden Caulfield.

Mmm-mmm. No, no, you're not Holden Caulfield.

He's Stradlater.

You know, the obnoxious roommate that thinks he's a stud, borrows Holden's Houndstooth coat, stretches it out and doesn't apologize.

It's a good book.

I always felt like the little sister.

Phoebe? Yeah.

Have you read Franny and Zooey or Nine Stories?

Yeah. They're... They're not as good, though.

One time, my mom, she actually met J.D. Salinger.

Really? True. Threw up on his lawn.

Really? Yeah.

She was on vacation in Maine, um, with her best friend and they met these two sailors.

They got really drunk and these sailors took them out...

Before long, Alex and I were rapt in conversation, And Stuart was not.

I wasn't trying to horn in on your situation.

I'm not interested in her, anyway.

Whatever. I don't want to talk about it.

Sorry.

Give me your toothbrush. Why?

Give me your toothbrush.

I don't want to.

Give me the goddamn toothbrush!

I would not have spilled my father's blood, or listened to those who called me my mother's wife.

And now I am God-shunned, the daughter of a mother defiled, and I have taken my turn in my mother's bed.

If there is any tragedy greater than all others, it belongs to me.

Pretty awful, huh?

I just don't understand why anybody would do a lesbian version of Oedipus Rex.

I thought it was good.

You did?

Yeah. I really liked it.

You don't have to worry about hurting my feelings.

I know it was crap.

I thought you were good.

I thought everybody was really good. I liked it.

What did you think?

The translation was bad.

The direction was nonexistent.

Somebody should call the acting police on a couple of those actresses.

Costumes looked like a bad night at Caesar's Palace.

Other than that, it was great.

You were wonderful. You made the best out of your part.

I agree with all that.

I think you guys are being too hard on it.

You're a business major.

This is art. The work is what's important here.

It's better to be honest than to be nice, okay?

Fuck me for being nice.

Wait. Stuart!

Let him go.

It's better just the two of us.

A toast. To bigger and better things.

Professionally or personally?

I was speaking professionally, but as the big dude says, a man is happy when he has both work and love.

The big dude?

Yeah. Unfashionable though he may be.

Freud.

I love Freud, unfashionable though he may be.

I should... I should go. No, no, no.

Just sit down for one second.

Do you mind if I change? No, um, um...

I just really want everything to be perfect for this moment.

Are we having a moment?

How about this?

That's perfect. This?

Great, great. They're both excellent choices.

I hate that.

It's kinda pointless, don't you think?

What is?

Putting on clothes

when I just wanna take them off.

Some people say it's pointless to make your bed just 'cause you're going to unmake it every night, but I still think it's nice.

My bed's made.

Yeah, you did a really good job too.

I'm gonna kiss you now.

Aren't you... Aren't you...

Let me at you.

What are you doing? This.

Let's talk about this first. Let's not.

Ow!

Am I hurting you? No. Could you get off me now?

You want me to get you off? No.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Mmm.

You smell good.

Alex, I...

Alex, I don't...

No...

I don't know... This...

I think you're at a loss for words.

Alex...

No.

Eddy! Come back!

Then what did you do? I didn't know what to do.

She kissed me, and then it snowballed into this insanity.

You didn't get anything?

You didn't look down her dress, cop a little feel, goose her?

No. I told her to stop touching me.

Why didn't you just fuck her? Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.

The girl was on her knees undoing your fly with her teeth.

She's in the perfect position. At least get a blowjob.

You wouldn't understand.

You're right, Eddy. I wouldn't understand.

The girl wants you to fuck her, you fuck her.

Unless you're doing the asexual thing.

The what?

It's a classic.

What are you talking about?

You act like you're a fag, the two of you become good friends, you start to share clothes, she starts to confide in you, and then, boom, you go for her tits.

It's brilliant, if you can pull it off.

Yeah, maybe that's what I'm doing.


Hey. Hi.

I think there's something you should know.

I find libraries very erotic.

The smell of old books,

the silence.

The long aisles.

To be lost in the stacks.

That's very interesting.

What are you reading? Hawthorne.

Will you read to me?

Alex, I've got to study for this. Okay? I can't...

Oh, please, please, please.

"Soon there emerged from under a sculpted portal the figure of a young girl, "arrayed with as much richness of taste

"as the most splendid of the flowers, "beautiful as the day, "and with a bloom so deep and vivid that..."

Oh, my!

"One shade more would have been too much.

"She looked redundant with life, health, energy, "all of which attributes were bound down and compressed, "as it were and girdled tensely, in their luxuriance, "by her virgin zone."

Are you all right?

Golly.

I love big words.

Oh.

Right there?

She came right there?

I think so. I don't know. Don't tell her I told you.

What do you think I am, a sleazebag? Mmm-hmm.

Then what happened?

Nothing. I was reading. What were you reading?

Hawthorne. Hawthorne.

Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Moby Dick. That's good.

That's Herman Melville.

Whatever. So?

So, Eddy, this is a major discovery.

This girl, she is a live wire of sexual energy.

You're telling me.

Doesn't that excite you?

Don't you wanna just take this girl and, like, grab her and... I don't know, just fuck her?

Maybe.

What do you mean, "maybe"? There's no "maybes" about it.

The next time you're in this situation, you slide her off that table, pull up her skirt, rip her panties off with your teeth.

With your teeth. That's good. And then take your fingers...

At that moment I was indeed becoming sexually excited.

But not over Alex.

...really, really hard.

And then all of a sudden, you just shove it right in.

As Stuart went on and on, I realized finally that it was he I lusted after.

Right when you're about to come, you squeeze it at the end...

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stuart went on to say he had never felt as strongly for any girl as he did for Alex, and since I was indifferent, he had to have her.

He would stop at nothing.

Even if it meant being... an intellectual.

What are you doing here?

Reading.

Have you ever set foot in this library before?

In any library, for that matter?

Well, last time I checked, the purpose for college was educational advancement.

Eddy told you what happened yesterday, didn't he?

What are you talking about?

It's not gonna happen.

It's nothing personal.

There's just no magic.

So just cool it, okay?


You don't need magic.

Oh, really? What do I need?

What you need

is a long, hard, phantasmagoric

fuck.

I don't like you, Stuart. That's okay.

Stuart.

Shh.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

You really shouldn't deprive the body of what it needs.

"Alexei Fyodorovich Karamazov

"was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov..."

What are you doing?

Dostoevsky.

Oh!

Oh, you try too hard.

That's your whole problem.

You were about to tap into something savage and emotional, and you ruined it by trying to be something you're not.

I'm sorry.

You're not an intellectual. Accept it.

I accept it.

Now, can we try this again, please?

No!

Shit.

I've been looking for you. You have?

We need to talk. We do?

Why you backing away from me? I'm not.

I'm walking backwards while you're walking forwards.

I forgive you for telling Stuart what happened in the library, and I apologize for my exuberance.

I don't apologize for my exuberance! I revel in it!

I wanna know what the story is with you!

Why are you so standoffish with me?

Why won't you kiss me? Why?

Look, you see, it's...

What?

Oh, never mind. What?

I can't tell you!

Tell me!

Um...

Oh, shit.

Um...

Uh, I'm sexually ambivalent.

Ambivalent about sex in general, or ambivalent about sex with me?

Ambivalent about sex with girls.

You don't like girls?

I like them. I just don't want to have sex with them.

You know...

I suspected it.

You did? Oh, yeah.

Come on. Let's go get a drink.

How many men have you been with?

Alex, come on. Just tell me.

All right.

The truth is, except for a few botched attempts with girls, I'm a...

Uh, you know, a...

Oh, God.

I haven't slept with anyone.

You haven't been with a man yet? No, no, not with anyone.

Then you're not gay!

You're a blank slate!

I'll mold you into a heterosexual with my bare hands!

Drama major.

Okay, fine, just do me a favor.

Don't tell Stuart, all right?

Sure.

You promise? Yeah.

What are you doing?

Nothing.


Were you just looking at my butt?

No.

You weren't just looking at my butt?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Eddy, I been thinking about something.

That's good.

I think you were checking out my butt the other day.

I was not. I think you were.

Well, I don't care what you think.

Are you a homo?

Fuck off.

It's okay if you are. It doesn't bother me.

I'm secure enough in my own sexuality to not feel threatened by it.

I have a very hip attitude.

My mom had a lot of gay friends.

It's not a good time to be a sexually promiscuous homo.

You ever butt-fucked anybody? Jesus!

No? You ever been butt-fucked?

Please, Stuart. Shut up, all right?

I'm not gonna finish writing this paper for you unless you shut up.

Look, I don't have anything against homos.

I mean, you are what you are, right?

And it's okay if you look at my butt.

It's a nice butt. I know that.

Stop saying the word "butt." But...

That's it.

Hey, Eddy, this paper's due tomorrow! What am I gonna do?

Guess what.

What?

Eddy is a proud homeowner.

A what?

A homeboy.

Homo-erectus. A fag.

I didn't say that. You didn't deny it.

I don't believe it.

You can't say "fag."

It's like one black guy calling another "nigger." You can't unless you are one.

You just said "nigger" and you're not a black guy.

It's okay, 'cause I'm a fag.

See? What did I tell you?

Stop saying that word.

He is what he is.

He doesn't know. He's confused.

He's not confused about my butt.

Eddy, do you like boys or girls?

The truth is, sometimes both are attractive.

Of course they are. But if you think it through, gay sex, by definition, is better than straight sex.

Get the fuck out of here.

No, I have a theory.

I would love to hear this.

As I see it, it all has to do with equipment and the correct use of that equipment.

If you have male genitalia, and you're sleeping with someone who also has male genitalia, then you have firsthand knowledge of how their equipment works.

You know the pressure-sensitive points, what buttons to push.

If you're a man having sex with a woman or vice versa, you really never know how they feel.

You don't know if they really feel great or if they're just faking it.

Wow.

No. No.

Straight sex is better than gay sex.

It's written in the Bible.

Is that in the King James or the New World edition?

Look, I just know. Okay?

How do you know, Stuart? Have you compared the two?

Have you?

Surely you admit lesbian sex is more satisfying to women than hetero sex, right?

I mean, that's an established fact.

Everybody knows that.

I've grown tired.

Look, no matter what happens, somebody's gonna get screwed.

Who's gonna get screwed?

I think you guys know what I'm talking about.

It's destructive and dangerous.

What is?

Don't act stupid.

He's not acting, Alex.

Okay, look, you have the hots for me, I have the hots for him, and sooner or later he's gonna have the hots for you.

That's sounds pretty hot to me.

Let's make a vow.

A sacred vow.

The three of us are gonna be friends, and that's it.

Aren't you guys tired of this whole sex thing?

How could I be tired of this whole sex thing if I haven't had any sex?

Then have sex with someone outside our little circle.

Oh, sex with strangers.

That sounds wise.

Oh. Forget about that.

But as far as the three of us go, let's just be friends.

No sex.

Yes, Stuart?

Do blowjobs count as sex?

I'm not gonna blow you, man, and that's final.

Come on!

Okay?

Okay.

Sacred vows are all very well and good, but only moments later I felt Alex eyeing my rear end on the way home.

And as we said good night, Stuart allowed his gaze to linger on the gently sloping nape of Alex's neck.

And I stayed up for reasons of my own.

But the sacred vow was observed, at least on the surface, and we became friends. Hey, Stuart!

Watch out for balloons!

I'm gonna kill you!

♪ She is benediction

♪ She is addicted to he Aah!

♪ She is the root connection Oh, I'm sorry.

♪ And she Alex, can you please wait?

♪ Is connected with me How about "Alex, you look so nice"?

♪ Here I go And I don't know why ♪ Stuart, get outta here!

Come on. Get out. Don't push me!

I swear I'll hit you with this...

♪ Could it be He's taking over me? ♪ It's not funny!

♪ I'm dancing barefoot

♪ Headed for a spin

♪ Some strange music Drags me in ♪

♪ Makes me come on Like some heroine ♪

♪ She is sublimation

♪ She is the essence of thee

♪ She is concentrating On he ♪

♪ Who is chosen by she

♪ Here I go And I don't know why ♪

♪ I spin so ceaselessly

♪ Could it be He's taking over me? ♪

♪ I'm dancing barefoot

♪ Headed for a spin

♪ Some strange music Drags me in ♪

♪ Makes me come on Like some heroine ♪ The oddity of our happy little enclave was lost on no one.

Especially not the lobby lizards.

All I want to know is, who's doing who?

I heard Eddy and Stuart are taking turns with her.

I think the guys are gay and she's their fag hag.

She's not a fag hag. You're a fag hag.

I am not. Shh!

Leave her alone, Stuart. Okay.

Leave me alone! I don't like you. Stop it.

Ow!

You're hurting me! Would you knock it off?

I bruise easily! I have five thousand gazillion, jillion bruises from you!

Let me see. Is that where it hurts? Look at that!

Don't you get like that.

Oh, my God, it's total S and M!

Hi! How are the three musketeers?

Oh, just one big happy family.

It sounds pretty kinky. Incest is best!

Oh, right there! Right there, like that.

Unbelievable.

One night when Alex had the nerve to go to a party without us, Stuart and I fell asleep in her room, a foul and mysterious odor having driven us out of our own quarters.

What are you doing in here?

Our room has a foul and mysterious odor.

Clean it. You used to be a clean person. Let's go.

Before I moved in with him.

I used to make hospital corners.

Now I don't even wash my sheets.

Who are you?

Larry, this is Eddy and Stuart.

Hi.

What's his name? Scary?

I think he said Larry.

Get out! Larry?

Yes. Larry.

Let's go. Get out.

Stop kicking at me! Get out. Ow!

Are you hungry?

No, thank you.

I'm sorry. No problem.

We should've expected it.

No oaths of exclusivity had been taken.

Quite the opposite.

But nonetheless we felt supplanted by Larry and betrayed by Alex.

The sanctuary had been trespassed upon.

♪ Just one step at a time

♪ Getting closer to destiny You're a very special girl.

I think I'd like to get to know you a lot better.

What are your dreams?

Who is Alex?

Gosh, let's not talk.

♪ With someone I could live for ♪ You're right.

Let's communicate via the international language of love.

♪ Is your love strong enough Twenty. Shit.

♪ Like a rock in the sea

You hungry?

Am I ever not hungry?

Pizza?

Sounds good.

Okay.

You think Alex is hungry?

Let's not forget about scary Larry.

Hi. You hungry?

I hope you burn in hell!

I don't think she's hungry. I think she's mad.

You're mistaken. You need to call her back and make sure you didn't ruffle her feathers unnecessarily.

What a good idea.

Hi! It's me again. Look, I was curious.

Are you angry with me because I called or because you're just not hungry?

Hello?

She hung up.

What is wrong with you guys? Are you that jealous?

My dear, we're just worried about a young man that comes a-courting. Is he a Christian?

Leave me alone. Wait!

What? One more question.

It's about his hair. Is it fiberglass or steel?

We think that Larry is very scary.

And hairy. Very hairy.

Very hairy.

So be wary of very scary, hairy Larry.

Exactly. Be wary.

Stop!

Stop that! Ow!

Stop! Ahh!

Keep going! Oh! No!

No! No! No! No!

Do her face!

Oh! Ahh!

Yeah!

Oh!

♪ What does sex mean to me? Oh!

♪ What does sex mean to me?

♪ What does sex mean to me?

♪ What does sex mean to me? What's up, bro?

You guys, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Shut up!

By the following morning, we had forgotten about scary Larry.

I think I found the source of your foul and mysterious odor.

Oh, wow.

My sausage and pepperoni with extra cheese and double anchovy.

I've been looking for this.

We never heard from Larry ever again.

But not two weeks later, Stuart told us about a slice of hairpie he'd been trying to get a bite of.

Hip to the lingo, we knew this meant he'd met a girl and was trying to get her into bed.

How come you never say anything?

I'm shy.

How come...

How come you never introduce me to any of your friends?

You wanna meet my friends?

So the nun says to the mechanic, "No, but if you give me a lube job, "I'll throw you some Hail Marys."

I went to a Catholic school and all my teachers were nuns.

Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No!

You didn't, like, offend me or anything.

But, um, I remember something that happened with the nuns once.

Well...

We took this field trip once, and we were on this school bus that was, like, really old.

So, all of a sudden, it just broke down, and... we all got out and we waited.

And some of us started wandering off.

And we came to this path that led to this huge, like, meadow that was really pretty.

Then what happened?

Well, it was just a really pretty meadow.

That's neat.

Um, will you excuse me?

I have to go to use the ladies room.

She's so sweet.

Will you kick this into my forehead, please?

Shut up, all right?

I like being around her.

When I'm around her, I feel intellectual.

All things being relative.

Besides that, she's got a great set of titties. No, she doesn't.

I told her. I said, "You have great tits."

And good, like, grammar, like, too. Like, great storyteller.

She's so sweet. She's so sweet.

We went out to dinner, and I asked her if she liked Scorsese, and she said, "Well, I'm really not that hungry."

We were efficient at eliminating outsiders.

It seemed the whole world had been divided into two categories.

Those who got the joke and those who didn't.

We were the only ones who got the joke.

I like her.

Ow.

I think I was especially stricken.

If Stuart and Alex could have been genetically merged into one person, he or she would've been the love of my life.

I think not.

I promise you'll enjoy yourself.

Just slowly down, just for a second.

I don't want to!

Just for a second. Just for a second.

Right there.

Ow! Okay. All right, stop.

Okay, that's enough.

Stop it. Let go. Let go. Let go!

Ah!

This is serious. Who else can we think of?

Instead, I had to contend with their matchmaking notions.

What about that teacher in your film class?

He was giving you the evil eye, right?

Stuart, he's 47 years old. So?

So I don't need to be fixed up. Let's just drop this.

Yes, you do. The question is, with who?

"With whom."

I still think it's a job for a young woman.

He doesn't need pussy.

He needs dick. Big, hard dick.

Good-bye.

If you're so hot on the idea, why don't you have sex with him?

The taste of semen makes me gay.

How would you know? Whose semen were you eating?

My own.

So I see you got "lei-ed," Edward.

Come here, come here. What?

Oh.

Right, yeah.

That's a... That's a good one, Richard.

Front desk dick.

Come on.

What's up? Come in, Eddy.

I want you to say hello to Richard.

Hello to Richard. Hello, Edward.

Will you excuse me?

Um, see you later.

This is really awkward for me. I mean... What is?

Well, when Alex told me what you said, I was sort of taken aback at first.

But then I realized that I have always felt similarly toward you.

What exactly did she say?

Well, you know, that... That you like me, but that you're too shy to say anything.

It's funny, you know, I have always been attracted to shy people.

Um, maybe it's because I'm pretty shy myself.

Look, you seem really nervous. Um...

Maybe this is a mistake.

I'm... No, no. I'm rushing things, aren't I?

No, but I... I thought you were cute since you moved in, and I...

Really? It just...

Maybe this will help you relax.

I'm sorry. I... No, it's my fault.

Damn it.

Eddy.

Eddy? Eddy! Eddy! Wait a minute! Where you going?

Eddy, listen to me. I know what I'm talking about.

If you don't get sex pretty soon, what'll happen is your dick will just get smaller and smaller till eventually it'll just shrivel up, go up inside your body.

And then what'll you have? A vagina.

Shut up.

Eddy, we're sorry.

We'll never meddle in your sex life, or lack thereof, ever again.

What'd he do, try to grab your nuts? No.

He tried to kiss me.

I could see his nose hairs.

And his breath was really bad, too.

Smelled like kitty litter.

It did! I swear to God.

♪ I know a place

♪ Ain't nobody crying

♪ Ain't nobody worried, no

♪ Ain't no smiling faces

♪ Mmm, no, no

♪ Lying to the races

♪ Help me

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Somebody help me ♪ Come on, come on

♪ Come on, come on

♪ Ow

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Let me take you there

♪ I'll take you there

♪ A-rub-a, a-rub-a, huh

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Ow, rub-a

♪ Can't see me want ya In a rub-a-dub style ♪

♪ And me said I want ya You said me well versatile ♪

♪ Everywhere me come People give me smile ♪

♪ Me come grow up As a disciplined child ♪

♪ Out of me mind Out of me heart ♪

♪ Come into me brain And make me breathe faster ♪

♪ All I know Is you are mine ♪

♪ And me know Me gonna love you Till the end of time ♪

♪ I'll take you there

♪ I'll take you there

Here it is.

It's great!

Too bad we didn't bring bathing suits, huh?

Oh, don't be an old fart.


Feels good!

Come on in!

Hurry up!

Whoo!

Whoo! Eddy!

Whoo! Come on!

No.

Come on, Eddy.

No, it's... It's cold.

It's very cold out here. I'm freezing.

How come you're sweating?

It's cold sweat.

Please!

Come on.

No one's looking.

It feels good on your balls.

That's nice, Stuart. That's very nice.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, look!

Moonshine!

This is cold!

I'm telling you, I'm gonna drown.


Everyone stay with their fun buddy.

Nobody leaves their fun buddy, okay?

Hey, look!

No, no! No, no!

Come along. Let's go! Let's go!

Mary! Come on! Let's go!

This way!

Alex said that the priest symbolized God, the children, lost innocence, and the three of us, a postmodern Eve with two Adams, banished from the sacred garden to wander in the wilderness for eternity because we had sinned.

We had acknowledged our own nakedness and partaken of the forbidden fruit.

Though it had amounted to only a kiss, a touch, it changed everything.

Pandora's proverbial box had been opened.

But, more interestingly, I'm not sure any of us wanted it closed again.

Hey. Want some pizza?

No.

I'm fat.

Alex, you're not fat. You're skinny.

I'm so fat.

You know, I've been giving it some thought.

I think you are fat.

Don't toy with my emotions.

Come here. Come here.

Comfort me. Oh.

I've been so depressed.

Me, too.

We don't hang out like we used to.

Let's comfort each other.

Put your head on my breast.

Is this a sex thing?

Oh, Eddy, will you just be human for once?

Put your arms around me and relax.

What are you doing, Alex? I'm lovingly stroking your hair.

Oh.

You can't stand to be alone with me, can you?

You always wanna have Stuart along for the ride.

It's true, isn't it? Yeah, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

You're afraid of women. You hate women.

Why do you hate women?

You're such a... Just stop.

Stop it, all right? I don't hate women.

I just don't understand why we can't sit here and do something without touching each other.

What's wrong with touching?

You don't try to touch Stuart all the time, do ya?

The only reason you touch me is because you know I don't like to be touched.

What?

The only reason you're attracted to me is because you know I'm not attracted back.

That's not true! It is true!

You're looking for a self-destructive situation.

You are a rejection junkie. Plain and simple.

You're the one who's always drooling all over your roommate!

Talk about self-destructive!

I don't drool over him. Liar! You know what your problem is?

You're secretly attracted to women, and you're afraid to admit it!

You're a closet heterosexual!

Ha! I am not! Are, too!

Am not! Am not! Are too!

Are, too! Bitch.

Heterosexual!

Haagen-Dazs and brewskies.

Come on, man. We can make beer floats again.

Eddy?

What the hell is going on in here?

I hate him!

I do, too. So what?

Oh, I'm so sick of this shit!

I'm so sick of it! It's not normal!

It's not normal, the three of us living together!

I'm sick of falling in love with guys who don't give a fuck about me.

I'm not normal. I need help.

I need medication!

I need money! Oh, God!

I need a facial! I need to go on a diet!

I need new shoes!

Oh, God! Just do something.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Wait, wait!

Here, put it on.

Uh, okay. Okay.


Don't tell Eddy.

Yeah? EDDY: It's me. Are you asleep?

No.

Just want to say I'm sorry.

It's okay. No, it's not. I shouldn't have said any of it.

I'm glad you called.

I was dreaming about you.

You were my mailman.

Oh, and you wore those cute little mailman shorts.

Kept delivering me things from the Home Shopping Network.

Yeah, yeah. We'll have to analyze that someday.

Where are you?

I'm just waiting for my French Cinema class to start.

I was just thinking about women and men.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I think you were right about me being afraid of women.

I think all men are afraid of women because they're inherently better creatures.

They can bear children. They can nurse them.

They have an infinitely higher capacity to be compassionate.

It's like they're a different species.

You were just sitting there thinking about this?

Yeah. It's dumb, I know.

Uh-uh.

No, it's not.

It's just I feel like I understand women more.

They're more inclusive. They're more open.

With men, there's always a feeling that everything's a competition.

And they're so guarded, defensive.

Yeah.

Well, I just never feel competitive with you.

Feel collaborative.

That's the wrong word.

Symbiotic.

Symbiotic.

Oh, that's a good word.

That's a really good word.

Anyway, I gotta go. I got to get to my class.

Wait. Eddy, before you go, will you say some other words, some really, really big words?

Okay.

Uh, symbiotic.

Symbiosis.

Uh, profligate.

Subpolar.

Prevaricate. Oh, wait. Wait.

I got a good one. Concupiscence.

Concupiscence?

Ah, that's a good one. It's a really good one.

I gotta go. I'm really glad we had this talk.

Oh! Bye.

Oh, God! What does "concupiscence" mean?

Beats the shit out of me.

Oh, get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

I was beginning to realize that I had something special in Alex.

Here was a woman who was willing to do anything to have sex with me.

Suddenly something very interesting happened.

I seemed to actually will myself into action.

Was a whole new world opening up to me?

I was having another dream.

I was in a desert, and I had on this fur bikini, like Raquel Welch.

And you were there...

As a butcher, and you had all these sausages.

Shh.

I must still be dreaming. Uh-uh.

No? Mmm-mmm.

This is happening?

Mmm. This is happening.

Mmm.

Is that how it's supposed to go? Mmm-hmm.

It was perfect. Good.

I'm really glad we did this.

Me, too.

That, that part when my... You know, was, um, with your thing and... Yeah?

That, that was good? It was great.

Good.

Maybe this should just be our little secret.

Yeah.

So? So? So what?

So I had sex with a woman.

What? But it wasn't very good, though.

What woman did you have sex with?

This girl in my French Cinema class. You don't know her.

Fucking "A," bro.

But, uh, I didn't really enjoy it.

You have to change your whole outlook on this subject matter.

For me, sex, it's like pizza. Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Okay, fine, whatever. Just do me a favor. Don't tell Alex.

Why? If she finds out I had sex, albeit mediocre sex, with someone other than her, she'll get jealous.

Don't worry about that. This is beautiful!

All you need is a couple more tries.

Before you know it, you'll be rocking and rolling.

The first time you have sex, you're so flipped out that you're actually doing it, you can't tell whether you're enjoying it or not.

Yeah, but... Come on, man!

God has given you a penis, and that penis is meant for fucking.

You ever hear the expression, "The little head thinking for the big head"?

I live by that. Trust me. It's a beautiful way to live.

Don't worry about practicing with somebody live.

I'll get you one of those blow-me-up, suck-me-off, fuck-me dolls.

It'll be great.

It'll suck your dick. You can fuck the shit out of it.

It'll be a beautiful thing.

As Stuart ranted and raved, something very shocking occurred to me.

I'd always sensed something strange about Stuart's behavior, something that set him apart from your average straight guy.

Could it be that what I'd been looking for was right under my nose all along?

Could Stuart be a homo?

Are you with me on this or what?

Absolutely.

I know something that you don't. What?

I'm not supposed to say, but I think that Eddy slept with a girl.

Who? He won't say, but I think it's some chick from his French Cinema class.

That's nice.

You want me to come scrub your back? Sure.

He thought you'd be jealous.

I can handle it.

There's really nothing to be jealous about because he said it was lousy.

What was?

The sex.

He said that she was a lousy lay.

There's nothing worse than a lousy lay.

I remember this girl from high school.

Monica Braksey.

She was like a...

Like a piece of fish loaf.

She was really un-fucking-believably bad.

I think I'd rather have a dog fart in my face than be with her again.

Ow! You're hurting me.

With this?

Yes.

You're upset because I called her a piece of fish loaf.

I apologize.

Perhaps I should've said she was a skanky, fishy bitch.

Just get out! Just get out! Get out!

Okay. Ugh!

So I was a lousy lay, huh?

What'd you say?

Never mind! You weren't supposed to say anything. It was a secret!

I didn't tell him it was you. Besides, it wasn't lousy.

It was pretty good, considering... Considering what?

Considering that you're a girl!

I shouldn't have.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't know what the hell I know.

I felt like an impostor.

I am so confused.

Oh, Eddy.

It's okay. It was fine.

We just need to practice.

I don't think I can. Anyway, I think I figured out something.

What? Come on.

I think Stu is...

What?

I think he likes boys more than he likes girls.

He's just afraid to admit it.

Think about it. It makes total sense.

He's obsessed with male genitalia.

All he does is talk about cocks and fucking.

He's a misogynist. Women are just objects to him.

He's a total narcissist, intense self-body worship.

He has an absent father and a domineering mother, and if that's not enough, he knows all the lyrics to Oklahoma and The Music Man.

He's a classic closet-case.

Eddy. I know. It's crazy, right?

We don't see what you don't want to see, but I don't think he knows.

I'm going to help him find out.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Eddy!

How much did that bottle cost you? Money is no object...

When it comes to getting totally shit-faced.

Oh!

Shh. Shh. What?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait. What do you hear?

What, what? How did we get on the ceiling?

Uh-oh. How did we get on the ceiling?

Did you pay the gravity bill this morning?

I forgot!

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's okay. It's no problem. I forgive you. Let's just get back on the floor, 'cause...

What? We're going back on the floor.

All right. Gonna get on the floor. Fasten your seat belt.

Back on the floor.

Are you seeing anything? Shh!

I told you so.

Oh, don't, Eddy. You're gonna ruin everything. Look at that.

He's wrong for you! Shh!

What are they doing?

Oh, my God!

It's like a devil worship thing.

It's not working.

I don't feel so good.

No?

Oh! God!

I'm going to be sick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Just... breathe easy.

That feels good.

You okay? Yeah.

Whoa, Eddy.

Eddy. Shh, shh, shh!

You'll spoil it.

Spoil what?

The intimacy.

♪ It's just a matter Of time ♪ Intimacy?

Yeah.

♪ It's just a matter Of time ♪ Eddy, there's not gonna be any intimacy.

Okay. Just empty sex is fine.

Eddy, are you okay? Because you're pretty drunk.

And so are you.

I don't like guys, okay? Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Stuart, you're a classic closet-case.

Eddy, listen to me.

You got all the telltale signs. You got absent Oklahoma, Music Mother, the... Eddy, I like girls.

I like them a lot.

I fuck them.

No, see, you don't. You talk about doing it, but you don't do it.

It's called denial.

I'm an expert at denial. I can see that a mile away.

Then how come I'm fucking one right now?

Oh, I see. You're fucking an imaginary girl, right now, is that it?

You've got an imaginary girl?

He's got an imaginary...

It's just me and you here.

Oh, no, she's not imaginary, Eddy.

She's somebody that you know quite well.

And every day that you skip off to your little fucking French Cinema class, we fuck like dogs.

And her name is Alex.

I see.

"I see," said the blind man.

Oh, shit.

Eddy! Look out. Look out.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Shit, he's bleeding.

Oh, my God.


And then I said that I didn't like guys. He didn't believe me.

He said I was in denial. I said, "I like girls."

He still didn't believe me. That's when it just came out.

What?

That you and I...

You know. What?

That we're fucking. Okay?

You idiot!

He was drunk! He was touching me. I freaked out.

That's all I can do from here.

I don't need any stitches?

Stitches are next semester.

Eddy!

Eddy!

Eddy!

Eddy!

Eddy!

In the morning, I went to my film class as usual.

Prophetically enough, they showed an old French film about two men and a woman in a love triangle.

Both the men loved the same woman, and it slowly made her go insane.

In the end, she killed herself and one of the men by driving her car off of a bridge.

I understood the moral of the story, two's company, three's pathetic.

I knew what I had to do.

Hey.

Ow!

Still not funny.

He's moving out.

I don't want you to move out.

Why not? 'Cause I don't want to be alone with him.

I'll move out then.

Okay.

Fuck you.

You wish.

Fuck both of you.

You wish.

Don't you?


I'm pregnant.

I think.

"Within two minutes, the white tab on the plastic stick may change color.

"If the white tab remains white, the test is negative.

"If the tab turns pale blue, the test is positive."

If the tab turns pink, you have been impregnated by a homosexual.

Nothing's happening. Shh!

What are we gonna do if it's positive? I don't wanna talk about it.

I mean... Shh!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

If I can just get through this part, everything's gonna be fine.

I just want to get on to the next part of my life.

This part sucks.

This part sucks?

How's that supposed to make me feel?

Oh, Eddy, I'm nervous, okay?

I don't think that's it.

I think the two of you just want to get the hell out of here and forget this ever happened.

Why haven't we been hanging out lately?

How come we haven't talked in the past couple of weeks, huh?

Maybe you guys can just walk away and look for something else, but it's not that easy for me, Alex.

Eddy, nobody's getting out easy.

Nobody. You understand that?

Jesus.

Stuart?

Oh, my God. Stuart.

Just prop your head up. Stuart, come on.

Jesus.

What made this happen?

I was... talking to Jesus.

Did he say Jesus or Elvis? Jesus.

He said that I should cut my penis off.

Oh, God.

Because it was the cause of all my problems.

Stuart, you don't have to cut your pee-pee off.

You just can't let it run your life.

Home free. No baby.

The semester and the year would be over in three weeks, whereupon, Alex would move to an apartment.

I'll call you guys later.

Stuart went home for the summer and moved to another dorm in the fall.

I noticed that he never seemed quite the same after that episode in the bathroom.


We all tried to keep in touch, but you know how it is.

The next semester I got a single, a room all to myself.

Solitude brought out the worst in me.

It gave me time to brood over the nature of things.

I wondered how some people can be such a necessary part of one's life one day and simply vanish the next.

Isn't it supposed to last?

We ran into each other at graduation.

And we had lunch about a year after that.

It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days.

Stuart ended up becoming incredibly monogamous to a girl, if you can believe that.

In fact, I heard they even got married.

Alex, on the other hand, enjoyed staying single for a long time, though she admitted to sometimes missing the rejection from doomed relationships.

Whenever I talk to her, she always manages to refer to my boyfriend as

"the other woman."

My college experience wasn't what I'd planned.

It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure.

But I'm not unhappy.

I don't think any of us are.

We got what we needed out of it.

It's kind of like when you go on vacation. You plan everything out.

But then one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can't even find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do.

Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening.

But later you realize it was the best part of the whole trip.

♪ Ow

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Let me take you there, oh

♪ I'll take you there ♪ A-rub-a, a-rub-a A-rub-a ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Ow, rub-a

♪ Can't see me want ya In a rub-a-dub style ♪

♪ And me said I want ya You said me well versatile ♪

♪ Everywhere me come I see people give a smile ♪

♪ Me come, me grow up As a disciplined child ♪

♪ Out of me mind Out of me heart ♪

♪ Come into me brain And make me breathe faster ♪

♪ All I know Is you are mine ♪

♪ And me know Me gonna love you Till the end of time ♪

♪ Ow ♪ I'll take you there

♪ Oh, help me now

♪ I'll take you there ♪ A-rub-a, a-rub-a, a-rub-a

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Let me take you there

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Come on


♪ I know a place ♪ I'll take you there

♪ Ain't nobody crying

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Ain't nobody worrying, no

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Ain't no Smiling faces, oh ♪

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Lying to the sexes

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Help me now, come on ♪ Come on

♪ Come on, come on ♪ Come on

♪ Somebody ♪ Come on

♪ Come on, come on Come on ♪ Come on, come on

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Give it up now

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Let me, let me Take you there ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ A-rub-a, a-rub-a A-rub-a, a-rub-a ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Oh, I wanna take you there

♪ Play on it Play on it ♪

♪ Play on it ♪ I'll take you there

♪ You make me feel irie ♪ I'll take you there

♪ But only to the highest degree ♪ ♪ I'll take you there

♪ Will you be there for me ♪ I'll take you there

♪ Love me I tell ya it t'aint easy ♪

♪ You are the one The one for me ♪

♪ In a-me heart You are the boom-Shaka-ti ♪

♪ You know That I love you so ♪

♪ And if you hold on tight Then me not let go, yeah ♪

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Till your body's on On the good side down there ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ I'll really keep you lucky you know what I'm saying ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ So you'll have some really good times down there ♪

♪ I'll take you there

♪ Rub, rub-a-rub

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Rum, bang-bang, simi-bang Rub-a-rub, rub-a-rub ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪ Oh, I wanna take you there

♪ I'll take you there ♪ A-rub-a, a-rub-a, a-rub-a