Tickle Me (1965) Script

Zuni Wells.

Expecting somebody? Yeah, it looks like I've been stood up.

Is it always this busy?

It's a swingin' town, that's for sure. Well, good luck, cowboy.

Thank you. I'm gonna need it.

STURDIVANT: Hassayampa Creek. That's where the Sheriff went.

Way up in the high country.

He says the trout weigh as much as 10 or 12 pounds.

They sure do. I've seen them. How long is he going to be gone?

Till he gets his fill of fishing.

Howdy. Hi.

See you later, Jim. Sheriff.

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a Pete Bullman. He's supposed to meet me here.

Pete? He's gone.

Had a run-in with the foreman at the Bar-B and he quit.

Oh, great. He was gonna get me a job.

Rodeo, huh? Yeah.

Say, you're Lonnie Beale. Yeah.

Sure, Lonnie Beale. I saw you in the bull riding event, up at Prescott.

I hear you got hurt.

Yeah. One of the bulls decided that I was sitting on him too long, so he decided to sit on me.

Well, you'll probably be all right by the time the rodeo season starts.

Yeah, I'll be all right. There's only one problem.

How am I going to eat till then?

Well...

Don't tell me. I know.


Wow!

(ALL LAUGHING)

I loved it.

Thank you, ma'am. Don't "Thank you, ma'am" me.

You cute thing, you.

Let go, you. That's my girl.

He doesn't want to let go.

I said let go. I'm not holding her.

Take it easy, partner. There's enough for both of you.

Is that so?

There's no reason for a fight.

JIM: Break it up, there!

Break it up! Break it up, now!

I'll deal with you later.

He handles himself very well.

I could've finished that guy off in half the time.

Yes, dear, I know. I was there the last time you lost a fight.

Excuse me.

Good show, Mr. Beale.

That happens every once in a while.

I haven't seen you here before. My first night.

If that character turns out to be a good customer, it'll be my last.

It'd be a shame if you lost your job.

It's a living.

My name's Vera Radford. How do you do?

How'd you like to work for me? Doing what?

I own the Circle-Z ranch.

Any objections to working for a woman?

No objections. I never had a lady boss before.

Well, you have now.

I'll pick you up at 10:30 tomorrow morning in front of the Union Bank.

Just a minute, Miss Radford. I like to make my own decisions.

By all means, Mr. Beale.

So this is the only life I've ever known, Miss Radford.

You see, my uncle raised me, had me in a saddle before I could walk.

I've been riding ever since.

I can always rely on my instinct, Lonnie. I knew you were the right man for the job.


I...

I thought I was going to work on your ranch, ma'am.

This is my ranch. A guest ranch for actresses, models, career women.

We help the girls get in shape.

Well, you done a real good job.

Brad. Yes, Miss Radford?

Will you come here for a minute, please?

Brad Bentley, our swimming instructor.

Lonnie Beale. He's gonna take care of the horses.

Beale.

I understand you're the kind of saddle tramp that doesn't like to stay long in one place.

Yeah, at least I know horses.

And the ones with long hairs are usually jackasses.

Brad, maybe you better show Mr. Beale where his quarters are.

We'll put him in 7 A with Stanley.

Yes, Miss Radford.

This way.

Mr. Bentley, would you carry this for me, please?

See you later, ma'am.

One, two, three, down.

Left, right, up.

One, two, three, bend.

Left, right, up.

One, two, three, down.

Well...

Never mind, cowboy, just pick up your saddle and mosey along.

We got work to do.

Did you get the message, wise guy?

Yeah, I got the message.

Forget it. She's not interested.

Not interested?

I don't know many girls that are not interested.

Well, maybe not in me, or you, but just don't kid yourself, pal.

(EX CLAIMS)

I'm Stanley Potter. Lonnie Beale.

Welcome to Yogurt Gulch. Thank you.

You've got my brush. Oh, I'm sorry.

They told me to bunk in here. Is that okay?

That's fine. Just fine.

How come "Barney Beautiful" helped carry your gear?

He's a real nice fellow. He insisted on helping.

He should live so long.

You can take this bed and just make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

Stanley? Yeah.

Miss Radford told me the girls are all guests on this ranch.

Is that right? Guests?

They have to pay $500 a week, and I mean that's every week.

You might say Circle-Z is a factory for reconditioning girls.

What's wrong with the condition they're in now?

You're looking at the after girls. Wait till you see the before girls.

You follow me? I'm way ahead of you.

(SCREAMS)

Watch it!

Oh.

It's okay, just throw it on the floor. Sure.

You see, it's all done very scientifically.

You see, we roast them, toast them, wiggle them, jiggle them, rend them, bend them, and give them very little to eat.

And for that they pay 500 bucks?

Somebody does.

They come in here measuring 40"-30"-38". That's to use rough figures.

That's rough? And when they leave a few weeks later, 36"-38"-24".

Thirty-eight? Thirty-six...

Well, you'll see the difference.

Yeah, I guess I will.

Stanley, let me ask you a question.

You can call me Stan.

Okay, Stan.

How do you keep your mind on your job with all these beautiful girls roaming around here?

Well, that isn't easy, believe me. You have to develop an attitude.

I always say to myself, "Stan Potter, it's strictly business."

Stan Potter... Stanley, do me a favor. Sure.

You keep reminding me that it's strictly business, okay?

Yeah. Lonnie Beale? Yeah.

It's strictly business.

(WHOOPS)

Here comes the girdle brigade.

Well, you gotta look at it this way, Miss Penfield, a ride a day melts the fat... I mean, the pounds away.

Yes, but I never knew anything filled with hay could be so hard.

Come and get it!

Don't goose the cook.

Can I help you, Brad?

Yeah, you can take this to the wolves.

That's all, I'm sorry. Thank you. Keep moving.

Oh, no!

You must be kidding.

I'm sorry, dietician's orders.

But it's such a little steak, and I'm so hungry.

It's for your own good.

Lonnie, listen, you give me another steak and I'll be very grateful.

Do we understand each other?

No.

Stanley! Next.

Stanley...

No, thank you, Mrs. Penfield. I've already had dinner.

Move, move, move.

Just steak, please.

Haven't we met before? I don't think so.

What've you got in your other hand?

What? Your hand. Your hand.

Miss Penfield... Okay, I'll be a good sport.

Give me my knife and fork and a magnifying glass.

Put it back.

Here's one for you, Lonnie, and one for Pam.

Thank you, Stanley.

This is mine. This is Pam's.

Take over for me, will you? Right.

Hi. Hi.

There's a nice spot over by that tree, if you'd care to join me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Beale, but I... Lonnie.

Mr. Beale, I'm strictly personnel. I wouldn't like to deprive our guests.

Come on, Lonnie, let's sit under that tree and you can tell me the story of your life.

Okay.

(SINGING (SUCH AN) EAS Y QUESTION)


Boy, that guy has really got a set of pipes, hasn't he?

I mean, when he sings a song, he really kind of raps it out, doesn't he?

Look at those girls over there, sitting around kind of dreamy-eyed.

Isn't that something? You know, he's got them right in the palm of his hands.

You know what I think... Shut up.

Brad, you're all heart.

Two, three, four.

Knees up, two, three, four.

And meditate.

I've been telling you for two weeks, it's easy to learn to swim.

You're just saying that.

Relax.

Relax.

Lonnie!

Hi, Miss Kincannon.

Lonnie!

Lonnie, wait for me!

Hey, girls! Wait. Wait, girls. Hold it. Hold it. Now, wait.

First, a few pointers in the art of diving, and then we'll start today's lesson.

Now, watch closely, everybody, because it's all in the timing and the coordination.

(LONNIE SINGING DIRTYDIRTYFEELING)

Wait, you couldn't go like that. Maybe it would be good for me, too.


Gone.

I go to lot of trouble giving Mrs. Palomar her appointment just when she wants it, and just when I start her massage, this fellow starts singing.

Then it's goodbye, Mrs. Palomar.

And don't blame me when the maids are late making up the rooms.

And just when I'm starting my swimming lessons, he has to begin cayodeling and spoil everything.

Mrs. Radford, the guests enjoy his singing. Well, as a matter of fact, I do, too.

Now, there's nothing wrong with their having a little fun with their work, but...

Well, we are here for a purpose, and I feel we've got to have some discipline.

(ALL CLAMORING)

All right! All right! You made your point. I'll speak to him.

Now, everybody back to work.

HILDA: She's never going to speak to him about the singing.

I can tell by the way she looks at him.

BRAD: Well, that's what I would tell him.

All right, everybody, here we go. One, two, three, bend.

Up. Turn around.

Same thing. One, two, three, bend.

There you go.

As you were, everybody.

Well, you're versatile. I'll say that.

Take five, ladies.

I was just filling in till you got here.

Yeah, you filled in, all right. You think they'll work for me now?

I said I was trying to help.

I've seen your kind come and go.

Sagebrush Lotharios looking for a good thing.

Well, this place is full of good things.

Yeah, I can see it now. "Cowboy Marries Millionaire Divorcée."

You know something? Play your cards right and you can be on your way in 30 days, fixed for life.

Now, wait a minute. Hold it!

Let's get one thing straight. As far as I'm concerned, this is just a job to keep me going until the rodeo season starts.

It's strictly business, you understand?

Strictly business, huh?

Keep your eyes right on the target.

Like this?

On the target. Oh.

Don't jerk the string, pull it slowly.

Now.

That's it.

Strictly business?

Strictly business.

Now remember, you're the boss, not the horse. You got it?

I am the horse and not the boss.

That's it, or something like that.

Let's... Let's try it again.

Strictly business?

Strictly... I was just telling her that she was the horse and not the...

Let's try it again.

(HORSE NICKERING)

Cool it.

Lonnie, would you mind?

I can't reach back there.

You're marvelous.

I know, strictly business.

Well, I always say, if you got a job to do, well, do...

Well, you don't have to explain to me. I understand perfectly.

Mrs. Radford would like to see you in her office.

No doubt, to give you an A for effort.

No doubt, an A...

And for a guy that's supposed to be taking care of the horses, he sure spends a lot of time around the pool.

Don't come to me with your problems.

The pool area is your responsibility, and you're either capable of handling it or not, Mr. Bentley.

Mr. Bentley? It used to be Brad, dear.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in.

That will be all, Mr. Bentley.

You sent for me, Miss Radford?

Lonnie, we're going to have to do something about your singing.

I've been trying for years.

Don't get me wrong. The guests think it's wonderful, and so do I.

But my staff complained that you threw this place into such a tizzy yesterday, their whole routine was disrupted.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

You don't have to be. Just pick your moments.

The staff will be happy and the guests will be happy.

You like it here, Lonnie?

Sure. It's the best ranch I ever worked on.

The smell of perfume instead of the smell of...

Sit down, Lonnie.

Now, there's been some discontent for another reason.

Jealousy. You know how it is when a pack of women get together.

If it appears that you're giving more attention to one than to another, even if it only seems that way, they begin clawing and scratching like wildcats.

Try to keep everybody happy, won't you?

I'll certainly try, ma'am.

And may I say that management also approves.

I'm glad to hear that, 'cause I approve of management.

In that case, our arrangement should work out beautifully.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes?

All right, I'll talk to him.

See you later, Miss Radford. Bye, Lonnie.

Yes, Mr. Penfield.


Pam.

Hey, Pam.

You try to holler, you're gonna get hurt. Where's the letter?

What letter?

The one your grandfather wrote just before he died.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't hold out on me.

Now, you get it quickly, or I'll break your arm.

(MAN YELPS)

Help! Help!

(PAM SCREAMING)

Help! Help!


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Well, he could've run to a parked car over there behind the laundry, or doubled back and still hiding out on the grounds.

I'll have a good look around before I leave.

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be any more help to you, Mr. Sturdivant, but, you know, with the mask and all, it was pretty hard to identify him.

Yeah, the only thing we know, he was about 5'10" and heavyset.

Well, that's something to go on, anyway. Pam, I'd like to have a little talk with you.

Alone. Sure.

And don't go away. I'll be with you in a minute.

I'll be outside.

You brought this whole thing on yourself tonight.

What? I've been trying to tell you.

You've been poking around the desert, asking a lot of questions about your granddaddy.

Now, the first thing you know, people are gonna believe that the old man really did stash some money out there somewhere.

Well, if there is some money it's mine, and I have a perfect right to look for it.

I know. What I'm trying to say is you're talking too much.

Now, I don't think this fellow will bother you anymore tonight.

But from here on, if anybody looks the least bit suspicious to you, I want you to call me right away, okay?

Okay, Mr. Sturdivant. Thank you.

Good night.

Oh, uh...

Close the windows and lock the door.


Stan, did you hear what happened last night?

Yeah, Lonnie told me all about it.

Did the Deputy find anything? Not a thing, but I'm looking for clues.

You now, I might find, like, a footprint. That would help out a lot.

You know, the ground's pretty soft around here.

A footprint!

(EX CLAIMS)

You scared me.

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm gonna call the Sheriff. They take a plaster cast out of this, then they make a mold out of it, and then they nail the guy dead to rights.

I tell you, when I look for clues... Stan, listen.

...I find clues. Wait a minute, Stan.

That's mine. I mean, a footprint's a footprint.

I mean, it's kind of old-fashioned, anyway.

I mean, they have a lot of more modern things.

Sure, they do. Sure.

Listen, Stan, if you need any help at all, you can count on us.

Listen, I'll keep you guys posted on everything that happens.

You do that. Good.

Carry on.

Hi, Lonnie. Hi.

Why don't you go swimming with us? Not today, thank you.

I fixed up his leg like you wanted, Lonnie.

Good. Let me take a look at it.

Yeah. It's as good as new.

Think you'll be able to ride him tonight?

Sure, the exercise will do him good.

He could use some fresh water though.

I'm sorry, man. It was an accident.

Accident? I'll break your neck.

Look, I told you I'm sorry.

Here, take the bucket, pour some on me.

I'll pour more than water.

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

You've been asking for it, and now you're gonna get it.

What happened? All those muscles...

It's not just the muscles, honey. You got to know what to do with them.

Holy cow! You really clobbered him. That was beautiful.

Fighting like a couple of roosters in a barnyard!

You, you... Yes?

Casanova!

(STANLEY AND LONNIE LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Lonnie. Hello.

How about some archery tonight, Lonnie? Hi, Lonnie.

Keep walking.

(JEEP HORN HONKING)


(DOOR CREAKING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(EX CLAIMING)

Don't ever do that.

I was only trying to help out.

If you can't take care of yourself, then I have to do it for you.

All right, but don't sneak up on me like that.

I'm sorry. What are you doing here anyway?

I love Silverado.

My grandfather lived here when it was a real boomtown.

He had one of the richest mines around, the Dolly-D.

Do you know that this is a ghost town with real ghosts?

The old prospectors say that on stormy nights, the ghosts of the old-timers come down from Boothill and really whoop it up in these old buildings until dawn.

You've seen these ghosts, I presume?

No, that's only legend, but lots of cities have legends, so why not one for little old Silverado?

Hey, do you know that Jenny Lind sang here?

Jenny Lind? The Swedish Nightingale? Uh-huh.

Can't you just see this place in the old days?

I can just see it now.

Hard rock miners, dance hall girls, cowboys out for a good time, and right over there, at that very table, PAM: High-card harry, the tinhorn gambler, dealing stud poker:

LONNIE: Yeah, I see him:

He's dealing from the bottom of the deck:

(EX CLAIMING)

The Panhandle Kid.


The usual.

Leave the bottle.

Don't go away, gal. I may want to kiss you later.

Let me go!

You heard the lady, turn her loose.

Says who, mister?

Says me, mister. Kid, don't tangle with him.

He's the fastest gun west of the Pecos.

Faster than this?

If he's playin', I'm callin' him. I said turn the girl loose.

Drop it or I'll drop you, sister. Mister.

I'm sorry I had to do that.

Mister.

Mister.

Here.

Never could stand the sight of blood.

Thank you.

Kid, you were wonderful.

I know.

(SINGING PUT THE BLAME ON ME)


Yeah, it must have been quite a place.

(DONKEY BRAYING)

Jenny Lind.

It's late. We'd better get going.

Okay.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Good evening, everyone, and a cordial welcome to our luau.

We are particularly glad to have as guests this evening our good friends from Tucson, Mr. And Mrs. Dabney.

(ALL CLAPPING)

We'll have some entertainment by various members of our staff, but even at a luau we mustn't forget to count our calories.

So eat, drink and be merry.

Thank you.

Eat, drink and be merry on tomato and cottage cheese?

Impossible.

Stanley!

No, thanks, Stanley. I'm up to here.

They're dead. Yes, I know.

Appetizers! What's the main course, Stanley?

Well, I hate to disappoint you, but this is the main course.

But it looks so pathetic, lying there all by itself on that itsy-bitsy cracker.

Maybe you ought to throw it back.

You're tearing me to pieces, Mrs. Penfield. I'm gonna give you another one.

Never mind, Stanley. I don't want to stuff myself.

That's the spirit.

Mrs. Radford.

Never mind those, Stanley.

Just bring Mr. And Mrs. Dabney's dinner from the kitchen.

Yes, ma'am.

Hi, Lonnie.

Hi, Pam. I've been saving this table for us all night.

I'm sorry, Lonnie, but I've got things to do. I'm personnel, remember.

How about later?

Later. Okay.

Darling, if I may say so, I think you should be a little bit more subtle.

Now, yesterday, on the trail, you kept riding up to Lonnie every five minutes.

If you must know, I was uncomfortable.

So I asked him to lengthen the stirrups.

It's too bad he couldn't widen the saddle.

Mrs. Radford.

Beautiful, Stanley. Thank you.

Stanley, for us?

Mrs. Penfield! They're for our guests, Mr. And Mrs. Dabney.

They put money in this place. Naturally, we can't put them on a diet.

Down the hatch.

Hello, Mr. Dabney, sir.

There he is. End of the line, boy. Put 'em right here.

Don't they look wonderful? Yes, indeedy.

This one's for you, Mr. Dabney.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Now, I can serve the rest.

Yes, sir, Mr. Dabney.

You gotta hand it to Vera. When she throws a party, she doesn't fool around.

Now, what's this?

Ambrosia.

MR. DABNEY: Pour a little wine, dear.

MRS. DABNEY: Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Hey! It's gone!

Did you say something?

Well, didn't the boy put a chicken on that plate, or am I going crazy?

Well, he certainly put a chicken on your plate. I saw it.

I thought so.

Now, you have my chicken, honey. Honey...

(YELLS)

Stan, something bit me.

What's going on here? I'm terribly sorry.

Something bit me. It hurts.

Please, sit down. All right, sit down. I can't sit down. I've been stabbed.

Listen here, now... Mr. Dabney, please sit down.

Some libation? I never drink out of a bottle.

Mr. Dabney? I want a glass, please.

What's going on here?

Stanley! Vera, does this sort of thing happen everyday?

Oh, no, of course not.

Stanley, please get Mr. And Mrs. Dabney fixed up.

Will you please get them some more chicken?

And get us a chicken that won't fly away this time.

Of course. Are you all right, dear?

Well, I think I am. You all right, dear?

Of course, you're going to have some more dinner, and now we're going to have some entertainment.

All right? That's nice. Yes.

Lonnie, I think we better start the entertainment right away.

Sure, Miss Radford.

Okay, boys, you're on.

(SINGING I'M YOURS)


(SQUEALING)

Lonnie! Lonnie!

They've kidnapped Pam. Come on. What? What?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)


(GIRLS EX CLAIMING)

GIRL 1: Stanley!

GIRL 2: Hit him!

Oh, Stanley!

(EX CLAIMS LOUDLY)

Lonnie, are you hurt?

No, I'm not hurt. Look, do me a favor. Don't help next time.

Stanley. Are you all right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I'm glad to know that you're all right.

It was awful. It was terrible.

What happened to him?

All right, girls! One at a time. Pam, what happened?

Two men tried to kidnap me.

Why, this is terrible. Mr. Bentley, call the Sheriff.

He's not here. Mr. Bentley?

DISPA TCHER: Attention, Unit Four: Assault and battery at Circle-Z ranch:

Two men in blue sedan:

Last seen proceeding south on Highway 18:

Unit Four. I'm on my way.

(SIREN WAILING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SIREN BLARING)


Come out with your hands up.

Where's the girl?

Well, we had her, but that guy... You blew it, you idiots!

I get the Sheriff out of town to make a job simple for you, and you louse it up. Listen, John...

A hundred thousand bucks just sitting there waiting for somebody to pick it up, and you give me excuses.

Get that crate out of here before somebody comes by and starts asking questions. Come on, get!

Ever since Grandpa died, they've been looking for the money, or...

Excuse me. Some kind of a will saying where it was.

Now, a few months ago, I found this among some old mine records.

"To my kinfolk, I have put the..."

"Money."

M-U-N-Y? He spells worse than I do.

"I have put the money in a safe place.

"It is all in $20 double eagles, so it won't..."

"S-P-O-L-E"?

"So it won't spoil if it gets wet."

Spoil. S-P-O-L-E.

Yeah, Grandpa didn't believe in paper money.

He didn't believe in spelling either.

A hundred thousand dollars in gold? Yes.

"It is in..."

I can't read this.

No, neither can I.

"Right next to..."

"Right next to Durango's place." That ought to tell you where it is.

Well, it ought to, but so many of the old buildings are down, and, well, the old-timers don't really know where Durango's place was.

Well, back to the map.

"You have to go to the..." Don't tell me, I can guess.

"M-E-E-D-E-L." Middle, right? Right.

"You have to go to the middle of the west wall."

More words missing here.

"Straight toward you to get the money out."

LONNIE: See, "Here it is."

A wall, an arrow, and "X" for the money.

The point is, it's not buried out in the desert.

At least the letter tells us that.

It's somewhere in Silverado, and I intend to find it.

You're not going anywhere unless I go with you.

I have no right to involve you in this.

You just try and stop me.

That's about it, Stan.

I always say on a hayride it isn't the hay that counts, it's the "Hey, hey, hey."

(YELLS)

Man, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in there.

Estelle, I've been looking all over for you. Come on, now.

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CLAIMS)

I'm sorry.

(LONNIE SINGING NIGHTRIDER)


Lonnie. What?

Mrs. Radford wants to see you in her office right away.

ALL: Oh!

Gangway.

Okay, come on, girls. Back to our workout.

Henry, get the place cleaned up.

Yes, Mr. Kincannon, your wife tried to reach you all last evening.

No, no, no, nothing's wrong.

She just wanted to tell you that she won't be home today.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Excuse me. Come in.

(WHISPERS) Sit down.

Yes, Clair thinks she should stay on the rest of the week and get the full advantage of everything we have to offer here.

So you can look for her on Saturday.

Three pounds.

That's right. Thanks for calling. Bye.

He did some fast arithmetic, and figures it's going to cost him $225 a pound.

It's worth every penny of it. Now she looks just as good walking away from you as she does coming towards you.

Well, let's hope Mr. Kincannon appreciates that.

Request for reservations, Lonnie.

The word's getting around about the new addition to my staff.

Thank you.

I'm gonna make a new deal for you, which, naturally, calls for more money.

Now, about your living quarters, you can move right up to the big house.

Now, just a minute, Miss Radford. Vera.

Vera, I'm supposed to be riding in the rodeo, remember?

Riding in rodeos. What'll that ever get you but a fractured leg or a broken head?

Smarten up, Lonnie. You can do much better than that.

I made it plain from the very beginning that as soon as rodeo season starts...

Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd at least think it over.

At ease, Lonnie. Forget you're working for me.

I thought this was gonna be strictly business.

I mean business.

I've heard of this happening to secretaries before, but this is ridiculous.

Is anything wrong?

No, it's just that I've never been kissed by my boss before.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sorry. I guess this can wait.

She's never gonna believe me, Miss Radford.

Never gonna believe me.

(LONNIE SINGING I FEEL THA TI'VE KNOWN YOU FOREVER)

(DOOR LATCH RATTLING)


Yeah, you can't sing your way out of this.

I never want to see you as long as I live.

Okay, if that's the way you feel about it. Goodbye.

Your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen:

The next event, the Bronco Riding Contest, and over at chute number four, the first of our riders today, one of the greatest horse tamers on the plains, Lonnie Beale:

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hello, Pam?

Pam?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the champion of champions, Lonnie Beale:

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Presenting King Knut, the wild Brahman bull, who has never allowed any man to stay on his back longer than ten and two-fifths seconds:

Now, the first rider trying to break that record, the one and only Lonnie Beale:

(MEN LAUGHING)

And now, Thunderbolt, the untamed, the roughest mustang in captivity, and the first man brave enough to try and ride him, Lonnie Beale:

(MAN WHOOPS)

(LONNIE SINGING I FEEL THA TI'VE KNOWN YOU FOREVER)


(PHONE RINGING)


Lonnie.

Lonnie! What?

What, what, what? It's me, Stanley. Stanley Potter.

Hello, Stanley. What are you doing here?

I'm just kind of checking up on you.

I would've written you a note, but you get around too fast.

Yeah, it's my busy season.

How have you been, Stanley? Just fine, and Pam's been miserable.

How come you never got in touch with her?

How come I never got in touch with her? I call her day and night.

She keeps hanging up on me. You could've written.

Oh, yeah? What do you think it is? A ham sandwich?

"Return to sender."

She has really got you fooled, but she can't fool me for a minute.

She misses you like everything. She's got a funny way of showing it.

You know, because of that girl I haven't made a nickel since I've been on the road, and I'm a champion rodeo rider.

You wouldn't believe the trouble she's caused me.

Yes, I can. That's a woman for you. Somebody just ought to tell her off.

Somebody ought to tell her off, all right.

You got a good idea, Stanley. I have?

Yeah. I'll tell her off, all right. Is your jeep outside?

Yeah. Attaboy, Lonnie.

Let's go back there and you just tell her off.

I'll tell her off. You better believe it.

(JEEP HORN HONKING)

Lonnie! Lonnie!

Vera! Vera, Lonnie's back.

Lonnie!

Hi, Pam.

Hey! Let's go.

Hurry up! Hold it.

Back up.

(LONNIE EX CLAIMS)

Don't lose your temper, you're making me nervous.

Come on. Let's go. We're gonna lose her.


PAM: So, he thinks I'm gonna melt just because he flips his hand:

That prairie gigolo:

I had him pegged right from the start:

LONNIE: It's just like a woman:

So she caught me kissing the boss: What's a brotherly kiss?

STANLEY: He quits the rodeo to see her: Now she won't even talk to him:

That's a fine thing: At least she could tell him, '"Drop dead: '"

That's right.

(WIND HOWLING)

(LONNIE SHOUTS)

Pam, if you would just listen for a minute.

I don't see any point in it. Sorry. Well, let me explain.

I'm not interested in your explanation. That's final.

I think you're being very foolish.

I couldn't care less what you think, Mr. Beale.

I didn't ask you to follow me. As a matter of fact, I distinctly said...

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

We better head back to the ranch. These desert cloudbursts are murder.

You'll never get it started in this downpour.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Well, if you were gentlemen, you'd at least put the top up.

Come on, Lonnie.

Okay, the top's up.

There's a hotel over there. Let's make a run for it.

Yeah. Come on. Now, come on. Don't just sit there.

Go away and leave me alone! Stan, you, too.

I was only trying to help, my dear.

If you keep standing here, you'll catch your death of cold.

I'd like to catch my death of cold. I'm not going to stand here and let you.

Put me down! I'm not a baby. I can walk!

You don't act like it. Come on.

Put me down!

I'll put you down.

That wasn't at all necessary.

Are you gonna walk inside, or do you want me to carry you across the threshold?

Don't touch me! I'm getting out of here!

Hey, Pam, how about trying my jeep?

Stanley, if one won't start, the other won't start.

Why? Because they're both wet.

W-E-T. Wet.

Sure, sure. Mine won't start either.

You know, like they say, if one gets wet, they just all get wet.

(CLEARS THROAT)

After you. Thanks. I'm staying right here.

She's staying right here. Come on, Pam, don't be a dum-dum.

You can't change her, Stanley. Shall we?

By all means. Goodbye, dum-dum.

Not bad. It's in pretty good shape.

This is being restored by the state historical society.

Yeah? That's what it says here.

They also restored the cold air.

Lookie here. Jesse James, Black Bart, the Younger brothers. All kinds of people.

This is the best place in town.

Let's see what's upstairs. Yeah.

Hi. Now, just a darn minute.

What's the matter? Lf you think I'm gonna spend the night in this stuffy old barn, well, you're sadly mistaken.

Well, it's either here or outside in the jeep with no top.

A little rain won't hurt me.

Well, it hasn't done you any good either.

Come on, Pam. This is like checking into a luxury hotel.

We'll have everything and it won't cost us a cent.

This is gonna be fun, fun, fun. Just scream if anything happens.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Boy, they really did some job on this place, didn't they, Lonnie?

Yeah, that's what I said downstairs.

I knew I heard that somewhere.

You couldn't ask for more than this.

Yes, I could. I'm leaving.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(SCREAMS)

You can't go now. You ever seen a flash flood?

Walls of water 10 feet high, knocking out bridges and everything between here and the ranch.

What's there to be afraid of here, huh? See, we've got locks and everything.

Why, sure, if anybody should try to break in here, it would be impossible.

Let's go, Stan. I mean, with Lonnie close by, ready to give his life rather than see any harm...

That's enough, Stanley, outside.

Better get you out of those wet clothes as soon as possible.

That was definite progress. She didn't slug you. I think she likes you.

You remind her of that before she takes my head off.

(EX CLAIMS)

Good evening, sir. I'm Stanley Potter and this is Lonnie Beale.

He's only a dummy.

I wouldn't let him talk to me like that, sir. See you later.

You sleep in this room. Where are you gonna sleep?

I'll be across the hall. See you in the morning.

I hope so.

(EX CLAIMS)

You don't fool me a bit, you dummy, you.

I was just checking your reflexes. Don't get mad.

(DOG HOWLING)


(THUNDER CRASHING)

(GASPS)


(DOOR CREAKING)

LONNIE: Pam.

Yes?

Pam, come here, I want to tell you something.

I just wanted to tell you that Stan and I are down the hall, in case you need us for anything.

Thank you. I don't believe I'll need you for a thing.

I'm sorry. That's all right.

Well, goodnight. Goodnight?

Maybe you'll feel safer if I stick around and keep an eye on you.

I can sleep on the couch over there.

No, you run along and get your rest. I'll be all right.

Fine.


(GROANS)

Have you lost your mind? What are you yelling at?

I was just on my way to tell you that that panel slid open over there, and a fist came out, pow, and hit me right in the nose.

Stanley, you're making this up because you don't want to stay in here alone.

No, I'm not kidding you. Come on over and I'll show you.

Somebody socked me. Come on, Lonnie, I dare you.

Tell me what about what? The one in the middle.

What about it? That's the one. Open it.

It's your imagination, Stanley.

Look, you've had a long, tough day. Why don't you go to bed?

You'll feel better tomorrow. Goodnight.

Lonnie!

What now?

My imagination just belted me in the nose again.

You know, you're nuts. Yeah, you're nuts.


(SCREAMS)

Pam. Pam! Let me in!

Pam! Pam, open the door.

I can't! Something's got me!

Lonnie! Lonnie, help!

Help, Lonnie! It's got me!

(SCREAMING)

Pam.

Help!

Pam, look behind you.

I don't want to.

Look behind you!

See, it's nothing.

Come on, open the door. Come on.

Just relax. Take it easy.

I'm so ashamed, carrying on like that.

You know something, Pam, you're starting to believe your own ghost stories.

Well, that's perfectly ridiculous.

I've always been capable of taking care of myself. I'm not a baby.

Hold it. Why didn't you read my letters instead of sending them back?

I phoned you and I missed you every minute.

I'll be all right now. I won't give you any more trouble.

You're not giving me any trouble. I'm in love with you, Pam.

(GASPS)


(ROCKING CHAIR CREAKING)

WOODRUFF: Get out of my room.

I am Martin Woodruff.

Get out!

Lonnie, Grandpa's in there, a ghost. He says get out. Lonnie.


No other girl means anything to me, Pam. Just you, really.

And what about Vera Radford?

Vera...

That isn't necessary at all. I'm not frightened.

Nothing's gonna bother me now.

(SCREAMS)

If this storm keeps up, we're gonna have to get married.

The rocker, it's gone.

It not only talks, it walks.

Mr. Woodruff?

Mr. W?

(YOO-HOOS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

STANLEY: Lonnie!

Lock the door, Pam.

STANLEY: Lonnie!

(SCREAMS)

It's you. I thought it was another goon. I just saw Grandpa and he talked to me.

He's sitting in a rocking chair, just rocking and staring, rocking and staring, and...

Stanley, would you stop rocking for a minute and listen to me?

There's nothing rocking except your brain.

Oh, no? Come here. I'll show you.

Open the door.

There's nothing in here.

What'd I tell you?

It's your imagination.

It looked like there was somebody in there.

I don't know.

I won't scream. I won't, I won't, I won't.

I won't make a sound.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Did somebody scream? No, no.

Where is it? Where is it?

What are you talking about?

Pam! Pam!

Pam. Pam?

Pam, you all right? It's okay, it's me.

That horrible, horrible face. Who? Who?

I don't know. What happened?

I must've fainted.

The letter. The letter?

He must be after the letter.

Where's your bag? It was over here.

It's empty. He couldn't have gone out that door.

He must've gone out this one.

(SCREAMS)

Okay, where's the rest of that letter? That's all there is.

Don't give me that, or somebody's gonna get hurt.

It's no use, Pam, he's too smart for us.

(PAM GASPS)

Chef Adolph!

Working right there at the ranch. That explains a lot of things.

(SCREAMS)

Get something to tie him up.

Is something wrong?

No, there's nothing wrong. You and Pam tie this character up.

Hi, Adolph. I'll go down and check to see if it's safe to leave here.

Holy cow! Adolph's the goon with that horrible face.

He and Brad were as thick as thieves. Brad's the mastermind.

This ought to teach you a lesson, Adolph. You should have stayed in the kitchen.

Watch him, Pam. Let's tie him up.


Hold it!

Come on.

Never mind.

(JERRY SCREAMS)

(GROWLS)

(HENRY SCREAMS)


I've got him trussed up like a Christmas turkey.

I took care of the other two. Friend, I knew you could do it.

Come on, now, let's get out of here. Right.

Lonnie!

Lonnie!

Come on.

Lonnie!

Lonnie!

Over here.

Stanley? Why, hello there.

Stanley. Stanley, are you all right?

Well, of course, I'm all right. I just fell 40 feet on my head, didn't I?

I mean, why shouldn't I be all right? You're sure now?

I never felt better in my life.

Yeah, you're all right. Let's get him out of here.

M.W. Martin Woodruff!

Gold! It's Granddaddy!

This must be the gold!

It's locked. Get something to pry this open with.

Will this do? Yes.

(COINS RATTLING)

Hey, jackpot!

This makes Fort Knox look like a piggy bank.

Boy, that guy was really loaded.

Yeah, I didn't believe it.

LONNIE: Let's stack the money, Stan, so we can count it.

Gold double eagles. Thousands of them.

You know, they must be worth... A hundred thousand dollars.

Put the stuff in the basket.

You're kidding.

I saw a movie once where the Sheriff was really the bad guy, but that can't happen in real life, can it?

Yes, it can.

Now, pack that stuff in the basket.

No, Pam!

Well, how did that happen?

Here comes another one.

Brad, the mastermind. I knew it. Put up your hands!

Lonnie, you with me? Yeah, I'm with you.

Forget it, Stanley. Vera was worried about Pam and sent me out here to check up.

Now, what's with these two fugitives from a mud bath?

Jerry, Henry! Well...

Pam, are these the guys that were giving you all the trouble?

Yeah, they sure are.

Then you're not the brains behind the mob?

The mob? What mob?

Now, look, Stanley, I may be a louse... Right.

...but I'm no crook. Oh?

STANLEY: Lonnie? Hey, Lonnie.

What? Excuse me.

That's all right.

Well, to Pam and Lonnie. The very best.

Hear, hear.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good luck to you, dear. We're gonna miss you both.

Keep a sharp eye on him.

I will. I will.

(GIRLS CLAMORING)

Bye. Bye!

Goodbye, pal. I'm sure gonna miss you.

Goodbye, Mrs. Beale.

Lonnie, hold it!

Lonnie! Lonnie!

What am I gonna do on your honeymoon?

(SINGING SLOWL YBUTSUREL Y)


English - SDH