Time after Time (2011) Script

[♪♪]

I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS, CARL.

YEAH, WELL, YOU SHOULD, IT'S A GREAT PIECE.

THE SOURCE IS QUESTIONABLE.

IT'S TOO SOON TO RUN WITH IT.

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY, THIS IS HOW THE BUSINESS WORKS THESE DAYS, RICHARD.

PASSING OFF RUMOR AS TRUTH?

DESTROYING CAREERS?

I'M TIRED OF BEING AN ASSASSIN.

LOOK, RICHARD, THE 24/7 NEWS CHANNELS AND THE BLOGS ARE KILLING US.

IT'S EITHER KEEP PACE OR DIE.

CARL, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER DAY TO GET MORE SUBSTANTIATION.

SORRY.

GOT A DEADLINE!

KFZH HAS JUST LEARNED THAT DAN JANKOWSKI, THE CHIEF SUPERVISOR OF THE CITY COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE IS DEAD.

JANKOWSKI WAS THE SUBJECT OF A STORY BY RICHARD KERM, THAT BROKE IN THIS EVENING'S STANDARDBEARER, ACCUSING HIGHER-UPS IN THE COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE OF MISAPPROPRIATING FUNDS.

INITIAL WORD FROM A TULSA POLICE DEPARTMENT SPOKESPERSON IS THAT IT'S A POSSIBLE SUICIDE.

[♪♪]

♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪

♪ THROUGH THE YEARS ♪

♪ TO STAND AT YOUR DOORWAY ♪

♪ IF I COULD TURN BACK THE PAGES ♪

♪ REWRITE MY WORDS ♪

♪ FIND A LITTLE COURAGE ♪

♪ IF I COULD HOLD YOUR HAND ♪

♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME ♪

♪ I'D STARE YOU DOWN ♪

♪ PROMISE I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU ♪

♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪

♪ I'D DRY YOUR TEARS ♪

♪ MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN ♪

♪ IF I COULD ONLY RIGHT ONE WRONG ♪

♪ I'D OPEN UP ♪

♪ BREAK ALL THE SILENCE ♪

♪ AND I WOULD TAKE YOUR HAND ♪

♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME ♪

♪ WOULD YOU STARE ME DOWN ♪

♪ AND PROMISE ♪

♪ YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME? ♪

[♪♪]

HI.

HI.

DUSTY, WHERE'S MY EDITORIAL--

[CHUCKLES IN DISBELIEF]

[LAUGHING]

WOW, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU BROKE MY HEART WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.

OH, COME ON, DEL, I WAS 19.

A BUCK 75 AN HOUR INCREASE WAS A LOT OF MONEY THEN.

LOST TRACK OF YOU AFTER THE HERALD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HEY, MY PULITZER PRIZE, WHERE'D I PUT THAT?

MUST HAVE I LEFT IT IN MY OTHER PANTS.

THE, UH...

TOWN HASN'T CHANGED.

YEAH, WELL, NEITHER HAS THE NEWS.

I'M JUST ABOUT TO PROOFREAD THE STORY ON THIS YEAR'S PIE-EATING CONTEST.

WOW, THEY'RE STILL DOING THAT, HUH?

REMEMBER THE YEAR I LET YOU COVER IT, AND YOU TRIED TO DO AN EXPOSE ON THE WINNER FOR EATING HALF-FILLED PIES?

YOU WERE ONE HARD CASE, KID.

WELL, THAT WAS THEN.

SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TO MAYBERRY, OPIE?

UH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I JUST LOST EDIE BREWER TO MOTHERHOOD, SO I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A REPORTER, ESPECIALLY A BUM OF YOUR CALIBER.

THANKS, DEL, BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG I'M GOING TO STICK AROUND--

GOOD, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OLD OFFICE.

[♪♪]


HI!

I JUST WENT ON A COFFEE RUN.

HERE.

THANKS.

WE KIND OF MET EARLIER AT THE OFFICE?

RIGHT. RICHARD KERM.

I KNOW.

WELCOME ABOARD.

WOW, WORD TRAVELS FAST.

NOT REALLY SURE IF I'M STAYING.

I'M EDITOR OF THE CLASSIFIEDS.

I REMEMBER DOING THE CLASSIFIEDS.

I WAS PROMOTED FROM THE MAILROOM.

I KNOW. YOU WERE 16.

COPYWRITER AT 17.

THEN YOUNGEST COPYWRITER AT THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.

THEN YOUNGEST JOURNALIST AT THE CLARION.

NOTICE I SAID "JOURNALIST," NOT "REPORTER".

I HATE "REPORTER."

YEAH, ME TOO.

YOUNGEST WRITER AT THE TIMES.

QUIT.

A YEAR AT THE BOSTON GAZETTE.

QUIT.

VANCOUVER POST, QUIT.

ROCHESTER AMERICAN, QUIT.

SEEMS TO BE A THEME HAPPENING HERE.

SACRAMENTO BEE, FIRED.

WHOA, HOW DID THAT GET IN THERE?

TULSA STANDARDBEARER, QUIT, AND THAT BRINGS US BACK TO "DOE."

HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS?

WHEN YOU QUIT HIGH SCHOOL TO GO INTO THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS, IT WAS A BOOK THAT INFLUENCED YOU.

"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."

I'M ABOUT AN INCH AWAY FROM BEING FREAKED OUT.

THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.

AND WHEN YOU LEFT HERE FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE, YOU PROMISED JACKIE YOU'D MARRY HER AS SOON AS YOU GOT YOUR FIRST RAISE, BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK.

OKAY, THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE.

SHE'S STILL OVER AT THE RESTAURANT, BY THE WAY.

WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

I'VE GOT COFFEE TO DELIVER, BUT I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

[♪♪]

HERE YOU GO.

PRETTY GOOD SWEET POTATO FRIES, HUH?

I LIKES IT.

SO YOU PROBABLY WANT ME TO TELL MOOSE.

MM-HMM.

OKAY... HEY, MOOSE!

THE BLANE KIDS LIKE YOUR FRIES!

[BELLOWING LIKE A MOOSE]

[LAUGHING]

MOOSE, THE USUAL FOR TUG!

AND THE BLANE KIDS STILL LIKE YOUR FRIES.

[MOOSE BELLOWING]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

TUG, STOP STARING AT MY BUTT.

HMM? OH!

I'M NOT. I...

I JUST, UH, DROPPED MY FORK.

OH, MUST HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE RUBBER FORKS, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T HEAR IT.

[RINGS BELL]

GEEZ, JACKIE!

I'M SORRY, OKAY?

UH, T-TUG, YOU REMEMBER RICHARD KERM?

HUH?

OH, YEAH, YOU SAT NEXT TO ME IN GEOMETRY.

I COPIED OFF YOU.

YOU'RE SOME KIND OF NEWSPAPER BIGSHOT.

NO, NOT REALLY.

OKAY, WELL, I GOTTA GO CHANGE MY PANTS.

THIS ONE SPILLED COFFEE ON ME.

BE CAREFUL, SHE'S ONE ANGRY SKIRT.

I DIDN'T TELL HIM I WAS COPYING FROM THE GIRL IN FRONT OF US, WHO, I'M PRETTY SURE WAS COPYING FROM HIM.

[SIGHS]

YOU LOOK GREAT.

OH, THANKS.

[STAMMERS] SO...

HOW'S YOUR MOM?

SHE'S OKAY.

SHE TRAVELS A LOT.

BEEN AROUND THE WORLD A BUNCH OF TIMES.

I GET THE OCCASIONAL POSTCARD, PHONE CALL.

SO SHE NEVER REMARRIED?

NO.

I THINK SHE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN OVER DAD.

LOOK, JACKIE, I, UH...

I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

NO. NO, YOU DON'T.

JACKIE, BE HONEST, DOES THE CILANTRO OVERPOWER THE LEEKS?

MOOSE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

KERMIE?

NO WAY, MAN!

[LAUGHING] I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

THE BIG CHEESE NEWSPAPER REPORTER.

THE, UH, THE GOURMET CHEF.

EVER THINK YOU'D HEAR THE WORD "CILANTRO"

COMING OFF THESE LIPS?

HEY, MOOSE, REMEMBER WHAT YOU USED TO DO WHEN YOU WERE CREAMING AN OPPOSING QUARTERBACK?

[BOTH BELLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

[KIDS GIGGLE OUT FRONT]

HEY, MY FANS AWAIT.

LATER.

HEY, REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

YOU TOO, BUDDY.

ALWAYS LOVED THE MOOSE CALL.

SO...

UH, CATCH ME UP.

OKAY, UM, LET'S SEE...

GRADUATED.

WENT TO EUROPE TO FIND MYSELF.

FOUND MYSELF, AND THEN I PUT OFF COLLEGE TO HELP MY FOLKS WITH THE RESTAURANT, AND THEN THEY RETIRED TO ARIZONA, SO THAT WAS THE END OF JACKIE'S LAW CAREER, AND THEN ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO, I GOT MARRIED.

THEN SIX MONTHS LATER, DIVORCED.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, JACKIE, I STILL FEEL AWFUL ABOUT WHAT I DID--

RICHARD, THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO.

I'M OKAY WITH IT.

REMEMBER THIS PLACE?

YEAH, HOW COULD I FORGET?

WE MADE OUT IN HERE UNTIL WE HAD ICICLES GROWING FROM OUR NOSES.

[RICHARD GROANS]

OH, MY GOD.

WHO THROWS A CHICKEN?

I... I HAVE BEEN REHEARSING WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY TO YOU FOR 11 YEARS, AND IT WAS REALLY SMART, AND TOUGH, AND HEARTFELT.

I AM SO SORRY.

IT-IT'S OKAY.

I DESERVE IT.

NO, IT IS NOT OKAY.

OH, WOW, THAT IS A NASTY GASH.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I DID.

AH!

NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT-IT'S OKAY.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING COLD TO STOP THE BLEEDING.

[WINCING]

OH, GOD...

IT FEELS MUCH BETTER, THANK YOU.

LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

COME BY LATER.

I WILL BAKE YOU A MEATLOAF.

YOU USED TO ALWAYS LIKE OUR MEATLOAF.

YOU REMEMBER.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

STILL WITH THE PEAS AND PEARL ONIONS?

AND THE MUSHROOM GRAVY.

UM, HEY, DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY, DICK, WHO WORKS AT THE EAGLE?

YEAH, HE'S NEW IN TOWN.

HE'S A SWEETHEART.

A MEATLOAF LOVER LIKE YOU.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

NOTHING.

I-I REALLY AM SORRY.

AH, I THINK IT ALREADY STOPPED BLEEDING.

HI.

HEY.

WHERE'S, UH, DOC FARLEY?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.

RICHARD?

JEFF FARLEY.

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

JEFF, HEY...

WOW, LOOK AT YOU, HUH?

A DOCTOR JUST LIKE YOUR OLD MAN.

YEAH, I TOOK OVER HIS PRACTICE.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

REPORTER, RIGHT?

JOURNALIST.

HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU?

[EXHALES AWKWARDLY]

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

YEAH, WHOA.

YEAH, STITCHES FOR YOU.

HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

UH, YOU KNOW, I WAS GETTING OUT OF THE CAR, AND BOOM.

HEAD HITS THE ROOF.

REALLY?

THERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN. ENJOY.

YOU HUNGRY?

I'LL SEE IF WE CAN GET SOMETHING FOR YOU.

[RINGS BELL]

HEY, YOU WATCH IT, BUDDY.

YOU'RE ABUSING YOUR BELL PRIVILEGES.

YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST TO TELL ME THAT.

HOW'S YOUR HEAD?

IT'S GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

IT WAS, UM...

[TSKS NONCHALANTLY]

YEAH.

SO, WHERE'S THIS MEATLOAF I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF FOR 11 YEARS?

IN DUE TIME.

[POPS BEER CAP]

IT'S YOUR TURN TO CATCH ME UP.

RICHARD KERM, THE MISSING YEARS.

MAKE ME PROUD.

LIES OR TRUTH?

TRUTH.

WELL, UH, SIMPLY PUT, MY LIFE HASN'T TURNED OUT THE WAY I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

OH.

WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

WE MEET ONCE A MONTH AND THE DUES ARE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.

IT'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KERMIE!

DO YOU THINK I'D FORGET YOUR 30th?

WELL, I'M TRYING TO.

OKAY, WELL, STOP WHINING AND BLOW 'EM OUT.

[SIGHS]

MEATLOAF?

MM-HMM.

[CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS OUT CANDLES]

WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST.

TO RICHARD, WHO AS A YOUTH HAD THE CAJONES TO LEAVE GLENVILLE TO PURSUE HIS DREAM.

TO THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON!

HEAR, HEAR.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

♪ WHEN THE BRIGHT MORNING LIGHT IS DONE BURNING ♪

♪ STUMBLE AND TURN BLINDLY REACHING FOR THE WALL ♪

♪ AND IT'S ALWAYS AS DARK AS YOU REMEMBER ♪ WHO SAID YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN?

ANNA! LOOK AT YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

NEITHER HAVE YOU.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THESE DAYS?

TEACHING HISTORY AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.

IT KEEPS THE KIDS AWAY FROM TELEVISION FOR SEVEN HOURS A DAY.

I REMEMBER YOU IDOLIZED J.D. SALINGER, I WAS AN AYN RAND GROUPIE, AND WE WOULD ARGUE--

ABOUT WHICH ONE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR SCREWING UP AMERICA'S YOUTH, YES!

I WOULD LOVE IF YOU COULD TALK TO MY CLASS ABOUT HOW THE POWER OF THE MEDIA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR SCREWING UP AMERICA'S YOUTH.

I'M REALLY NOT SURE IF I'M STAYING.

YOU LET ME KNOW.

MM-HMM.

GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN, RICHARD.

YOU TOO.

♪ ...TURN DOWN THE WAY I WENT BEFORE ♪ FROZEN CHICKENS CAN DO A LOT OF DAMAGE.

YEAH, GREAT, IT'S ALL OVER TOWN ALREADY, HUH?

NOPE.

SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO FREAK YOU OUT.

SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING, ISN'T SHE?

BUT THEN YOU ALWAYS DID LIKE FEISTY WOMEN.

OKAY, GAME OVER.

YOU'VE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT HER OVER THE LAST 11 YEARS.

OKAY, CAN YOU STOP THIS NOW?

MAYBE YOU'RE GETTING A SECOND CHANCE.

IF SHE DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR YOU, WHY DID SHE DENT YOUR HEAD?

HEY, JACKIE, CAN YOU BELIEVE BIRTHDAY BOY DID THAT GETTING OUT OF HIS CAR TODAY?

AH...

OCCUPATION: KLUTZ.

[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]

HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

MY OLD BOYFRIEND MEETS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.

[♪♪]


I'M SORRY ABOUT JACKIE.

GEEZ!

WHAT DO YOU GOT, MUFFLERS ON YOUR SHOES?

AH, LOOK, I GOT CAUGHT UP IN SOME SILLY, ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE FOR FIVE SECONDS, BUT IT'S OVER.

YOU KNOW, AND I...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS EXPECTING TO FIND COMING BACK HERE ANYWAYS.

WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO FIND?

WELL, CERTAINLY NOT YOU.

WHAT'S WITH THE NEHRU JACKET, MAN?

THOSE THINGS WENT OUT OF STYLE IN THE '60s.

THEY CAME BACK IN THE SPRING OF 2035.

ARE THEY EXPECTING YOU BACK AT THE NUTHOUSE?

IT WAS PAINFUL FOR ME, TOO.

WHAT WAS?

RELIVING THAT MOMENT WITH JACKIE.

ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU?

DON'T YOU KNOW?

I'M YOU, RICHARD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, THE 55-YEAR-OLD YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, YOU'RE ME, HUH?

WELL, THEN, TELL ME HOW YOU GOT HERE?

OH, WAIT, NO, LET ME GUESS.

IT WAS A TIME WARP?

MAYBE A WRONG TURN AT THE TWILIGHT ZONE?

NONE OF THOSE.

I WAS ALONE IN MY PERSONAL UNIT REGRETTING DECISIONS I'D MADE IN MY LIFE AND WISHING I COULD SOMEHOW RECTIFY THEM, WHEN I INADVERTENTLY PLUGGED THE PROTEIN IONIZER INTO THE CARBOHYDRATE PORT OF MY NOURISHMENT DELSENATOR, AND POOF!

INTO THE PAST.

AT LEAST, I THINK THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

ANYWAY, HERE I AM.

UH-HUH, AND, UH, I IMAGINE THAT IF I TOLD ANYBODY WHAT YOU JUST SAID, THAT THEY--

PROBABLY HAVE YOU COMMITTED.

OR YOU.

I'D DENY IT.

OF COURSE, BUT HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN HAVING THE SAME NAME?

WHAT DID BEN BRADLEY CALL WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN IN OUR FAVORITE MOVIE, "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN"?

WOODSTEIN.

HI. DICK WOODSTEIN.

SO, YOU WENT TO THE CEMETERY TODAY.

DOES THE WORD "STALKER" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

I'M NOT A STALKER.

IT'S JUST THE FIRST THING I DID WHEN I GOT HERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T BRING MY FATHER INTO YOUR DISEASE, OKAY?

HE'S MY FATHER, TOO!

HEY, WHAT ABOUT OUR BIRTHMARK?

THE ONE THAT'S SHAPED LIKE A HORSE'S HEAD.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

OKAY, I GET IT.

YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH MY MOTHER.

IS SHE STILL TELLING PEOPLE THAT STORY?

I REALLY MISS MOM.

OKAY, YOU WHAT, THAT'S IT.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO, CRAZY OLD MAN.

GET OUT OF HERE--

OKAY, I WAS HOPING I COULD AVOID THIS, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T.

OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE, THAT'S IT, I AM CALLING THE COPS.

TA-DAH!

OUR BIRTHMARK.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE NICKNAMED HER?

BUTTERMILK.

[CHUCKLES]

BUTTERMILK...

I'M OUTTA HERE!

[STARTER CLICKS USELESSLY]

YOUR COILWIRE.

I PULLED IT.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE CONCEPT.

[STAMMERING]

IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

IS IT?

THERE'S GOT TO BE A REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS.

OH! OKAY, TELL ME THIS...

IF YOU ARE ME, AND YOU'RE NOT, THEN WHY ARE YOU WORKING IN THE CLASSIFIED DEPARTMENT WHEN THERE WAS A JOB OPENING FOR A JOURNALIST?

I KNEW YOU WERE COMING BACK.

KNEW I WAS COMING BACK...

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M EVEN TALKING TO YOU.

BESIDES, IT'S THE WAY IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED--

THE WAY WHAT HAPPENED?

MY LIFE 25 YEARS AGO.

YOUR LIFE NOW.

THE FROZEN CHICKEN, FOR EXAMPLE.

I STILL HAVE THAT SCAR RIGHT HERE.

OKAY, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU ARE, OR WHY YOU'RE HERE--

TO HELP YOU.

TO HELP ME WHAT?

NOT TO DO WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO--

WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE--

RUN AWAY, BAIL OUT, QUIT.

ADMIT IT, WE'VE QUIT ON SOME VERY GOOD JOBS AND SOME GOOD WOMEN.

REMEMBER WHAT DAD ALWAYS SAID?

"IT DOES NO GOOD TO BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL STICKING UP IN THE AIR."

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[♪♪]

[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]

YOU'RE STAYING HERE, TOO?

AH...

WHAT A GREAT MORNING.

SLEEP WELL?

DUMB QUESTION.

COME ON, WE'LL GET YOU SOME CAFFEINE AT THE OFFICE.

I'D BETTER DRIVE.

WOW, I HAVEN'T DRIVEN ONE OF THESE DINOSAURS IN QUITE A WHILE.

YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE PUTTING INTO YOUR TANK IN ABOUT 20 YEARS--RICE!

PROBLEM IS, INSTEAD OF IMPORTING OIL FROM THE MIDDLE EAST, WE'RE ADDICTED TO RICE FROM THE FAR EAST.

YOU CAN'T WIN.

HI.

I WORK IN THE MAILROOM.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN SCHOOL?

NO, FIRST CLASS IS TRIG.

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME, RIGHT?

I MEAN, ANYBODY ACTUALLY ASK YOU WHAT THE CO-TANGENT OF X IS LATELY?

I DOUBT IT.

BESIDES, I'M GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL AS SOON AS I TURN 16.

THREE MORE MONTHS, THEN I WORK HERE FULL TIME.

I QUIT SCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16.

IN FACT, THAT'S WHEN I STARTED WORKING IN THE...

IN THE MAILROOM.

RICKY.

RICKY?

I LOVE NEWSPAPERS.

I READ, LIKE, FIVE, MAYBE SIX A DAY, COVER TO COVER.

SEE, I DON'T READ 'EM ONLINE, AND I HATE BLOGS.

I'M GOING TO BE A REAL JOURNALIST.

OKAY.

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, AND I WANT AN HONEST ANSWER.

OKAY, SHOOT.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?

OH, EASY.

"BORAT."

THAT GUY CRACKS ME UP.

THANK YOU.

BUT THE FLICK THAT GOT ME HOOKED ON THIS BUSINESS?

"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."

THOSE GUYS REALLY DUSTED NIXON.

WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?

NOBODY.

OKAY, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

WHAT?

COME ON, TAKE 'EM OFF!

LET ME SEE BUTTERMILK, LET'S GO, COME ON.

NO BUTTERMILK?

NOPE.

SO RICKY IS NOT THE 15-YEAR-OLD ME?

NOW, THAT WOULD REALLY BE FREAKY, BUT NO, HE'S NOT YOU, NOT ME.

TOTAL COINCIDENCE.

SO, RICHARD, HAVE YOU DECIDED ON YOUR FIRST STORY YET?

UH...

DEL, DON'T WE NEED ANOTHER STORY ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT?

WHO?

GIANT DISCOUNT CHAIN.

THE TOWN'S VOTING IN A COUPLE OF DAYS ON WHETHER TO LET THEM PUT ONE UP AT THE END OF MAIN STREET. I LIKE IT, DICK.

THANKS, DEL.

IT'D BE A GOOD WAY FOR YOU TO GET RE-ACQUAINTED WITH GLENVILLE, RICHARD.

TALK TO THE LOCALS, SEE HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF THIS CANCER INVADING THEIR TOWN.

OH, WHOA, DOWN BOY.

WE'RE NOT LOOKING TO START TROUBLE.

THIS IS ONLY A STORE.

JEEZ, YOU TWO ARE CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH.

JUST KEEP IT BALANCED, RICHARD.

NOW, YOU LOOK--

DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO DEL.

HE'S A TOTAL PLERB.

WHICH IS SLANG FOR "WUSS" IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.

JUST GET IN THERE AND DIG OUT A STORY.

TAKE NO PRISONERS.

[♪♪]


WALTER'S KID!

LOOK HOW THEY GROW UP.

I GAVE HIM HIS FIRST HAIRCUT.

AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THE MISSING PIECE OF YOUR EAR, THERE'S A LOST AND FOUND BOX IN THE BACK.

[CHUCKLING]

REMEMBER THE STORY HE DID FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION?

YOU WERE A PIT BULL!

I'M NOT DOING THOSE KIND OF STORIES ANYMORE.

YOUR DAD WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.

MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

AMEN.

ACTUALLY, I'M DOING A STORY FOR THE EAGLE.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT SIR SAVE-A-LOT?

BEST THING THAT'LL EVER HAPPEN TO US.

"US"?

WHO DIED AND APPOINTED YOU MY MOUTHPIECE?

SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GOT A HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.

I HAVE A HARDWARE STORE.

DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.

AH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GONNA JACK US RIGHT OUT OF THIS ECONOMIC SLUMP.

CAN THANK THE NEW MAYOR FOR THAT.

[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]

BEEN IN OFFICE FOR LESS THAN A YEAR, ALREADY DONE WONDERS FOR MORALE AROUND HERE.

HEY, ARE WE HERE TO DRAFT OR YAP?

ALL RIGHT.

RITA, YOUR PICK.

I'M GOING WITH KEVIN MORSE.

A LOSER!

ACCORDING TO MY SCOUTS HE CRIES WHEN HE FUMBLES.

'CAUSE HE'S 10 YEARS OLD, CHUCK!

HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THIS GUY, DICK, WORKS OVER AT THE EAGLE?

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE UP, CHUCK.

LARRY.

NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, MARK.

NO, NO, NO, MORRIS.

WHAT?

MORRIS.

[KNOCKS]

EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR?

YOUR HONOR.

JACKIE.

HEY, UH...

I'M LOOKING FOR THE MAYOR.

AND YOU FOUND HER.

NOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

I DIDN'T WANT TO BRAG.

YOUR DAD WAS MAYOR FOR--

YUP, FOR 15 YEARS.

I DON'T THINK THE TOWN WANTED TO BOTHER CHANGING THE NAMEPLATE, SO JUST A TEENY, WEENY BIT OF PRESSURE ON ME.

DEL ASKED ME TO DO A STORY ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT COMING HERE.

UH-OH.

DON'T WORRY, IT'LL BE A FLUFF PIECE.

RICHARD KERM, A FLUFF PIECE?

THE KINDER, GENTLER RICHARD KERM.

[SIGHS]

FIVE ACRES OWNED BY THE TOWN, A NON-INCOME BEARING TURKEY FOR YEARS.

WE SELL IT TO SIR SAVE-A-LOT, AND BINGO, INSTANT CASH FLOW.

NOW, THE BEST PART, ONCE THE STORE IS UP AND RUNNING, WE PROJECT A 20% INCREASE IN TOURIST TRAFFIC THROUGH GLENVILLE AND A 15% INCREASE IN REVENUE AND JOBS, AND THAT'S JUST IN THE FIRST YEAR.

HEY, GUYS!

DON'T FORGET THE TOWN MEETING ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT!

[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]

RICHARD, THIS SIR SAVE-A-LOT DEAL IS THE BIGGEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE, AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SURE OF ANYTHING, SO GO AHEAD, FIRE AWAY.

ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.

OKAY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

YEAH, THANKS FOR NOT TELLING HIM ABOUT--

THE CHICKEN?

YEAH, IT'S NO PROBLEM.

SO IS IT SERIOUS?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

HI, HONEY.

HI.

HOW'S THE HEAD, RICHARD?

UH, IT'S BETTER.

WELL, I'VE GOT GO, I'VE GOT A STORY TO DO.

BE GENTLE.

YOU'RE THINKING OF LEAVING AGAIN.

[SIGHS] WHY? WHAT DID YOU TAKE OUT OF MY CAR THIS TIME, THE ENGINE?

NOTHING, BUT LEAVING NOW IS A BIG MISTAKE.

AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY HER.

JACKIE?

NOW GET BACK TO WORK ON THAT STORY OF YOURS.

[♪♪]

HEY.

RICKY...

HEY, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEFORE AND EXPLAIN WHY I...

FORGET IT.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE SENIOR MOMENTS.

QUESTION, CAN YOU COME TALK TO MY STAFF AT THE HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

THE OAK?

IS THAT STILL AROUND?

I'M THE EDITOR.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I PROMISED ANNA PALINDROME I WOULD TALK TO HER LITERATURE CLASS.

[SCOFFS]

OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE MAKING A MOVE ON MISS PALINDROME.

NO.

WRONG.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY, OKAY, I WILL COME AND TALK TO YOUR STAFF, BUT NOW DISAPPEAR, PLEASE.

I HAVE TO FINISH THIS STORY.

I'LL SET IT UP.

ANOTHER COUNTRY HEARD FROM.

WHAT?

THIS IS YOUR STORY?

YEAH. SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S A WINNER.

EVERYBODY LOVES IT.

EVERYBODY LOVES MAYOR JACKIE.

DID YOU CHECK OUT SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S TRACK RECORD?

NOPE.

DID YOU TALK TO ANY TOWN OFFICIALS AT OTHER STORE SITES?

NOPE.

WHAT ABOUT IMPARTIAL PARTIES?

I BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS STORY.

THEN DO IT RIGHT.

SCRAPE, DIG, BE TENACIOUS.

YOU CALL YOURSELF AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO...

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND?

EXHIBIT A.

THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF MY BIRTHMARK, PART OF THE PUBLIC RECORD FROM GLENVILLE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL, WHERE YOU GOT IT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TO GLENVILLE MEMORIAL SINCE I WAS BORN.

YEAH, RIGHT, AND WHAT ABOUT LASLO?

WHO?

THE TATTOO ARTIST AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP.

HE TATTOOED YOUR BUTT WITH EXHIBIT A.

DUDE, YOUR CHARADE IS OVER.

LASLO! LASLO'S A STONER.

HIS MIND IS SHOT.

HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO'S PRESIDENT, AND THIS IS NOT A TATTOO!

THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN A TATTOO PARLOR?

I WAS AT THE PAWN SHOP.

REMEMBER DAD'S WATCH?

THE ONE HE LEFT US IN HIS WILL?

THE ONE WE HOCKED SO WE COULD BUY JACKIE THE RING WE GAVE HER BEFORE WE LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK?

OKAY, HOW DO YOU...

I WENT TO SEE IF IT WAS STILL THERE, SO I COULD BUY IT BACK, BUT IT WASN'T.

OKAY.

OKAY, WELL, SHOW ME SOME I.D.!

SHOW ME A-A BIRTH CERTIFICATE, OR A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WHAT'S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?

374 TO THE 10th POWER.

THE WHOLE SYSTEM WAS RE-ORGANIZED.

YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE?

I BELIEVE I'M TAKING THIS STORY, I'M GOING TO WALK INTO DEL'S OFFICE, HAND IT TO HIM, THEN I'M GOING TO GET IN MY TRUCK, JAM THE PEDAL TO THE FLOOR, AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

WHAT ABOUT JACKIE?

JACKIE HAS A LIFE.

I, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE GOT TO FIND ONE, AND I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.

YOU CAN'T GO NOW!

ALREADY GONE.

LET'S GO.

TIME TO GIVE THAT TALK AT THE OAK.

PLACE LOOKS AND SMELLS THE SAME.

[CHUCKLES FONDLY]

I CARVED THAT IN MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.

WHO'S "J.B"?

NEVER MIND.

I'LL FIND OUT.

THIS IS MY STAFF.

HEY, GUYS.

UH... WELL, WHERE TO START?

UM, I COVERED SPORTS MY FRESHMAN YEAR.

YOU WROTE THAT PIECE ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM, ABOUT HOW THEY WERE ABSENT FROM MID-TERM EXAMS, YET SOMEHOW STILL PASSED THEM.

THE TEAM WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR A YEAR.

IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO DICK?

IS EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN NUTS?

LOOK, IT'S MY JOB TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

NOW, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT YOU'VE NEVER LASTED MORE THAN A YEAR AT A NEWSPAPER?

I'M WRITING A STORY ON YOU.

WHEN YOU'RE MINING FOR THE TRUTH, USUALLY, SOMEBODY GETS HURT.

YEAH, SOMEONE USUALLY DOES, WHICH DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT.

MAN, YOU'RE REALLY GETTING SOFT, AREN'T YOU?

YOU ASKED ME HERE FOR MY ADVICE ABOUT JOURNALISM.

HERE IT IS.

STAY IN SCHOOL, GRADUATE, GO TO COLLEGE, YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED, HAVE TWO AND A HALF KIDS, LIVE A QUIET AND UNCOMPLICATED LIFE, PREFERABLY AS AN ACCOUNTANT.

BUT MOST OF ALL, STAY OUT OF THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.

IT HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH THE TRUTH.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO.

WHAT?

OKAY, NO, CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I GOTTA GO.

BUT, DEL, I PUT IT ON YOUR DESK.

OH, MAYBE THE COCKROACHES CARRIED IT OFF AND ARE EDITING IT AS WE SPEAK.

JUST GET ME THE STORY.

[KNOCKS]

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

I FOUND IT.

OKAY, I FOUND IT ON DEL'S DESK.

THIS IS COMPLETELY ONE-SIDED.

ALL PROS AND NO CONS.

ONE WOULD THINK YOU WERE ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S PAYROLL.

I'M EMBARRASSED TO HAVE MY NAME ON THIS.

YOUR NAME?

OH, OKAY.

NOW I GET IT.

YOU'RE A FRUSTRATED OLD NEWSPAPER HACK WHO WAS FORCED TO RETIRE, SO YOU DECIDED TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO BELIEVE, FINE, JUST DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE!

WE HAVE NEVER WALKED OUT ON AN UNFINISHED STORY IN OUR LIVES!

QUIT SAYING "WE"!

[STAMMERS]

WE SWALLOWED A BEE WHEN WE WERE SIX!

AND WHERE IN IOWA?

AND HOW MUCH OF A DROP-OFF?

THAT'S NOT BAD.

AND HOW MANY STORES IN NEW HAMPSHIRE?

NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO RAISE A RED FLAG.

OKAY, NO, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, CHRISTY.

YEAH, NO, YOU GIVE MY BEST TO THE NEWSHOUNDS AT THE HERALD.

YEAH, NEXT TIME I'M IN TOWN, I PROMISE.

OKAY.

YEAH, TAKE CARE.

[♪♪]


CAN I BORROW HER FOR A MINUTE?

I'LL BE BACK.

SIR SAVE-A-LOT.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

WELL, I'M MAYBE BEING A LITTLE OVERCAUTIOUS, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD, UH...

YOU SHOULD, UM...

SHOULD WHAT?

I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I'M SORRY, I--

STAY OR GO?

UH...

GO.

[♪♪]

HEY, MORNING, KERMIE.

I GOT SWEET PEA PANCAKES ON THE GRIDDLE.

SOUNDS GOOD, MOOSE, BUT I NEED TALK TO JACKIE.

WHERE IS SHE?

UH, SHE'S AT CITY HALL IN HER OFFICE.

SHOWING OFF HER ENGAGEMENT RING.

JEFF SPRUNG IT ON HER LAST NIGHT.

♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪

♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪

♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪

♪ UNDER THE COVERS AS WE REACH... ♪

♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪ LET'S SEE.

WOW! CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

YOU'RE NOT STAYING FOR THE FESTIVAL?

GET OUT OF MY CAR.

BUT WE LOVE THE DUNK TANK, REMEMBER?

SHE IS ENGAGED.

I NEVER SAID THIS WAS GOING TO BE EASY.

IF YOU KNEW, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D SKIP TOWN!

YEAH, LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!

NO, PLEASE, DON'T!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WAIT!

GET OFF MY CAR!

IF YOU GENTLY STROKE THE BACK OF HER NECK WITH YOUR FOREFINGER, SHE PURRS LIKE A KITTEN!

GET OFF!

[♪♪]

♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪

♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪

♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪

♪ UNDER THE COVERS AS WE REACH... ♪

♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪ FINGERPRINTS? WHY?

WELL, MY COMPUTER WAS STOLEN, AND THAT CUP WAS SITTING ON TOP OF IT, SO THE THIEF HAD TO REMOVE IT TO GET THE COMPUTER.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

HE'S NOT A TOP-NOTCH INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST FOR NOTHING.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A THEFT IN...

TWO YEARS.

I'M GOING TO PUT A RUSH ON THIS.

OH, COULD YOU TAKE MY FINGERPRINTS?

THEY'RE ALSO ON THE CUP, SO...

WOULDN'T WANT YOU ARRESTING ME FOR STEALING MY OWN COMPUTER.

I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE STATION.

HANDCUFFS NOT NECESSARY.

[♪♪]

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?

I KNOW.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED YOU.

I WAS OUT OF LINE.

DEL JUST SHOWED ME YOUR STORY.

YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO DO A FLUFF PIECE.

YOUR FACTS ARE MISLEADING, THEY DON'T HAVE A THING TO DO WITH GLENVILLE.

JACKIE, I NEVER--

CROSSBRIDGE, KANSAS?

SCOTT FALLS, IOWA?

I MEAN, OF COURSE, THESE PLACES CAN'T SUPPORT A SIR SAVE-A-LOT AND A LOCAL MOM-AND-POP STORES.

THEY HAVE MORE CHIPMUNKS THAN HUMANS.

THIS IS LONG ISLAND.

THERE'S PLENTY OF BUSINESS FOR EVERYONE.

WE SPENT 15 GRAND ON A FEASIBILITY STUDY.

THANK GOD, HE'S NOT PUBLISHING YOUR STORY.

JACKIE...

I NEVER GAVE THE STORY TO DEL.

I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.

IT'S JUST THAT THE SIR SAVE-A-LOT VOTE IS TOMORROW NIGHT, AND A STORY LIKE THAT COULD HAVE SPOOKED EVERYBODY.

YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME FOR MY SIDE OF IT.

WELL, I TRIED TO, BUT YOU WERE TOO BUSY SHOWING OFF YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING.

OH, SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

WHAT IS?

YOU'RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS.

JEALOUS?

PLEASE.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

OKAY.

MAYBE...

I'M A LITTLE BUT JEALOUS.

SEEING YOU WITH THE RING, IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT, BUT I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU WITH THAT STORY, AND I SWEAR, I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, RICHARD?

TO WALTZ INTO GLENVILLE AFTER 11 YEARS, AND LITTLE JACKIE'S JUST GONNA DROP EVERYTHING AND MAKE A BEELINE INTO YOUR ARMS?

I AM SETTLED, AND I AM HAPPY, AND I HAVE FINALLY FOUND SOMEBODY GOOD IN MY LIFE, SO, PLEASE, JUST STAY OUT OF IT.

JACKIE...

JACKIE!

[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]

HELLO, RICHARD.

HI, ANNA.

COMING OR GOING?

I JUST PICKED UP A COPY OF "DR. ZHIVAGO"

AT THE BOOK NOOK.

TWO PEOPLE MADLY IN LOVE BEING PULLED APART BY FATE.

IT'S TRAGIC.

FOR SOME REASON, I LIKE IT.

I'M GOING HOME WITH BORIS PASTERNAK HERE AND LIGHTING THE FIREPLACE TO GET ME THROUGH THE COLD RUSSIAN WINTER.

CARE TO JOIN ME?

UM, NO, I GOT TO, UH--

YOU STOOD UP MY CLASS TO TALK TO THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

YOU OWE ME, RICHARD KERM.

[♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

RICHARD, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO ADMIT SOMETHING TO YOU, BUT I'M VERY SHY.

WELL, ALCOHOL MAKES ME VERY NON-JUDGMENTAL, SO PLEASE GO AHEAD.

I HAD AN ENORMOUSLY FRUSTRATING CRUSH ON YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU LOOKING FOR ME, HANDSOME?

ALWAYS.

CONGRATULATIONS, BY THE WAY.

THANKS.

IT'S A BIG DEAL.

I MEAN, FINDING THAT ONE PERSON.

YEAH.

YEAH, I KNOW.

HAS RICHARD BEEN HERE?

[CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY]

WERE YOU EVER MARRIED?

NO. NO.

YOU?

ONLY TO THE CAREER.

WELL, I, UH, I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING A DIVORCE, FROM MY CAREER.

WHY?

IT HASN'T BEEN A VERY FULFILLING MARRIAGE.

DO YOU GET LONELY?

YEAH, SOMETIMES, WHEN I THINK ABOUT BEING LONELY, WHICH IS WHY I TRY NOT TO.

YOU?

UH, I'VE HAD MY...

SHALL WE SAY, DALLIANCES...

WHICH HAVE SATISFIED ME ONLY MOMENTARILY, BUT, UH, IN GENERAL, SURE.

I GUESS AS LONG AS I'M THE MAYOR, THEY'LL COMPARE ME TO MY FATHER.

IT'S A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.

DADS USUALLY ARE.

WHAT DID YOURS DO?

ELECTRICIAN.

HE DIED WHEN I WAS 11.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, HE USED TO SAY, "SOMETIMES LIFE IS LIKE THE BLINDSPOT IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR."

RICHARD WAS ALSO 11 WHEN HIS DAD DIED.

IT WAS A SAD DAY.

THE TWO OF YOU ARE CLOSE, HUH?

USED TO BE.

WHY AM I EVEN TALKING ABOUT HIM?

IT'S STRANGE.

RICHARD'S DAD WAS ALSO AN ELECTRICIAN, AND YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY, AND THE SAME NAME.

IT'S WEIRD.

YEAH, STRANGE.

BUT YOU I LIKE.

TOO BAD YOU WEREN'T 25 YEARS YOUNGER.

YEAH, TOO BAD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, RICHARD'S A GOOD GUY.

HE'S JUST CONFUSED.

AREN'T WE ALL?

WELL, I'D BETTER FIND HIM.

THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.

LISTEN, I SAW HIM OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT EARLIER.

HE WAS TALKING TO ANNA.

SHE GOT INTO HIS CAR.

[LAUGHING]

WELL...

I SHOULD GO.

RICHARD, I CAN'T LET YOU DRIVE IN THIS CONDITION.

I PROMISE YOU, I'LL BE OKAY.

I'VE GOT A GUEST ROOM.

YOU CAN STAY HERE.

NO, I'M...

NO, I'M FINE.

RICHARD, GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.

NO, I JUST...

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST GONNA WALK IT.

IT'S A COUPLE OF MILES--

THE, UM...

YOU KNOW, THE FRESH AIR WILL DO ME GOOD.

UM, THANK YOU FOR TONIGHT.

AW, GEEZ.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

YEAH.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND ANNA.

OH, WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

HMM.

REMEMBER THIS?

UH, YEAH.

SURE, I REMEMBER THAT.

YOU DON'T, DO YOU?

[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]

OH, THE 55-YEAR-OLD ME...

LISTEN, WHEN YOU GET TO BE MY AGE, YOU WON'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING EITHER, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZAMOONIUM YOU TAKE.

ZA-WHAT?

ZAMOONIUM, IT'S A MEMORY DRUG.

IT HITS THE MARKET IN ABOUT 2016.

[SIGHS]

WELL, MAYBE I NEED SOME ZAMOONIUM, BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER GIVING DEL MY SIR SAVE-A-LOT STORY.

I THOUGHT I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.

YOU DID.

THAT'S WHERE I FOUND IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT DOING JACKIE ANY FAVORS TRYING TO PROTECT HER FROM THE INEVITABLE.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

WELL, IT MEANS--

NO, NO.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[OVER LOUDSPEAKER] STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE!

ASSUME THE POSITION.

RITA, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHOA!

ARE YOU TRANSPORTING NARCOTICS?

NO, OF COURSE NOT!

AH, RELAX.

I'M JUST STAYING IN SHAPE.

I GOT THE FINGERPRINT RESULTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, AND, UH...

I'M SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.

IT WAS EXCITING FOR A WHILE.

I THOUGHT I HAD MYSELF A PERP.

IT TURNS OUT, YOUR PRINTS ARE ALL OVER THAT CUP.

WHAT, JUST MINE?

YEAH, A PERFECT MATCH.

HMM.

HOW ABOUT A ZESTY MEXICAN OMELET, CHUCK?

IT COMES WITH CEVICHE, HAND-ROLLED CORN TORTILLAS.

IT'S A REAL MORNING PICK-ME-UPPER.

OKAY, MOOSE, BUT HOLD THE JALAPENOS.

REFLUX.

CAN DO.

HEY, CHUCK.

MOOSE, HAVE YOU SEEN DICK?

UH, NO, NOT SINCE LAST NIGHT.

PANCHO SPECIAL, 86 THE SINUS-CLEANERS!

10-4!

OH, JACKIE'S WORKING THE KITCHEN TODAY.

SHE'S FEELING PRETTY LOUSY.

SHE GAVE THE RING BACK TO JEFF LAST NIGHT.

WHY?

RICHARD, YOU DON'T KNOW SHE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU?

MOOSE, I WANT TO CHANGE MY ORDER.

WHAT ABOUT THE QUESADILLAS?

WITH SAUSAGE, AND GUACAMOLE?

WHY ARE YOU HERE, RICHARD?

JACKIE, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE CAUSE OF YOU GUYS BREAKING UP--

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

ARE YOU HUNGRY, IS THAT IT?

JACKIE, COME ON, PLEASE?

LOOK--

WHAT, THE SCHOOL MARM, SHE DIDN'T MAKE YOU BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

JACKIE--

OR THE TWO OF YOU COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED?

HEY--

DID SHE MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS?

JACKIE, LISTEN TO ME--

[GROANING IN PAIN]

NOTHING HAPPENED, JACKIE!

SO, THEY SAID THE ON-CALL DOCTOR WILL BE IN TO REVIEW YOUR X-RAYS.

RICHARD, I AM SO, SO SORRY.

MY TEMPER'S BEEN HORRIBLE LATELY--

OH, JUST LATELY?

YEAH, IT'S JUST...

I REMEMBER THIS FIFTH GRADER, SHE SLUGGED THE SCHOOL NURSE WHEN SHE WAS GETTING A FLU SHOT.

IT WAS CRAZY.

JACKIE.

I, UM...

I'M GOING TO WAIT OUTSIDE.

NO, NO, PLEASE STAY.

SO, RICHARD, HOW'D IT HAPPEN THIS TIME?

BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?

IT WAS MY FAULT.

I BET.

[WINCES SHARPLY]

YEAH, JUST AS THE X-RAYS CONFIRMED.

A MILD FRACTURE.

I ASSUMED YOU WERE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JACKIE.

IF I KNEW YOU WANTED A PINATA, I WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOU ONE.

JEFF, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

FAIR?

HEY! OW!

IT'S THE LATERAL ULNA, ALL RIGHT.

JEFF!

I'M-I'M SORRY, RICHARD.

CAN I COME OVER TONIGHT?

I JUST WANT TO TALK.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU OWE ME AT LEAST THAT.

[WINCES]

PLEASE EXCUSE US, RICHARD.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT, BETTER YET, UM, JACKIE, CAN YOU EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE?

PLEASE?

I SEE YOU GOT A NEW STETHOSCOPE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

TO, UH, REPLACE THE ONE YOU LOST?

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, DOC.

NUMBER ONE, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR JACKIE'S HOUSE TONIGHT, OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.

NUMBER TWO, IF YOU EVER, EVER HURT HER BY TELLING HER ABOUT YOUR LITTLE INDISCRETION, I WILL DO A CHARACTER ASSASSINATION PIECE ABOUT YOU IN THE EAGLE, THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH ONE OPTION FOR PRACTICING MEDICINE--

PROCTOLOGY, AT THE SUFFOLK COUNTY PETTING ZOO.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU PLERB.

[CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY]

[♪♪]

WHAT'S WITH THE GOOFY GRIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M A HAPPY FOOL.

[CHUCKLES]

SO ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID TO JEFF?

I TOLD YOU, WE, UH, JUST WENT OVER MY X-RAYS.

I FEEL SO BADLY FOR HIM.

[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]

I FORGOT HOW MUCH I MISSED THIS PLACE.

IT'S HARD TO APPRECIATE WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

IT'S HARD TO APPRECIATE A LOT OF THINGS.

YOU KNOW, SPEAKING OF RINGS, UM...

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT PIMPLE OF A DIAMOND I GAVE YOU?

NO, LET ME GUESS, YOU TRADED IT FOR A BAG OF PEANUTS?

NO, NO ONE WOULD GIVE ME A BAG OF PEANUTS, SO I BURIED IT IN THE ATTIC SOMEWHERE.

BUT I DO HAVE THIS.

JACKIE, THAT'S MY DAD'S OLD WATCH.

MM-HMM.

HOW DID YOU GET...

WHEN YOU LEFT FOR THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION, I FOUND OUT IT WAS AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP, SO I BOUGHT IT.

IT WAS GOING TO BE YOUR WEDDING GIFT.

THANK YOU.

JACKIE, I...

I PAWNED THE WATCH SO I COULD BUY YOU THE RING.

WELL, THEN I GUESS THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE.

RICHARD, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, GOD KNOWS I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A TON OF TIMES, I WOULD JUST KIND OF...

KEEP COMING BACK TO, "I WAS 19.

THAT'S WHAT 19-YEAR-OLDS DO."

NOW I'M 30 AND I'M ALL OUT OF EXCUSES.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HIT ME, ARE YOU?

[CHUCKLING]

NO.

YOU ARE ME.

I'M YOU--

WE ARE US!

SO YOU FINALLY BELIEVE ME?

I...

I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND IT, BUT WHY NOT?

OUR FINGERPRINTS MATCH.

I KNOW! IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR YOU.

WHEN YOU WERE 30, DID YOU ALSO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU, AND DOES THIS HAPPEN TO EVERYBODY?

WHY ME?

SHH!

[QUIETLY]: I CAN'T!

SHE KEPT THE RING.

BUT OF COURSE YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT, TOO.

I-I'M GETTING USED TO THIS.

LOOK AT THIS.

DAD'S WATCH.

YEAH.

WAIT, SHOULDN'T YOU ALREADY HAVE THIS?

IT'S A LONG STORY.

WELL, TELL ME EVERYTHING.

WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?

I CAN'T DO THAT.

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.

YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

OH, COME ON.

TELL ME SOMETHING YOU CAN.

UH, WELL, OKAY.

TELEVISIONS AND COMPUTER SCREENS ARE HOLOGRAMS NOW.

WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?

STILL NO ANSWER.

WELL, UH, WHAT ELSE DO YOU GOT?

UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND JACKIE BEEN MARRIED?

WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW?

LET'S TALK IN YOUR OFFICE.

OKAY.

DONALD BRICKHOUSE, VICE PRESIDENT OF ACQUISITIONS FOR SIR SAVE-A-LOT, IS GOING TO APPOINT A COMMITTEE OF BUSINESS EXPERTS TO TRY TO REVERSE WHAT HE CALLS "A DISASTROUS PROBLEM".

WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH JACKIE?

WHAT PROBLEM?

THE BANKRUPTING OF SMALL TOWNS ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

AGAIN WITH THIS?

SIR SAVE-A-LOT OPENS A HUGE STORE, WHICH SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF THE LOCAL MERCHANTS, WHO GO OUT OF BUSINESS, CAUSING AN EXODUS FROM THE TOWN, CAUSING SIR SAVE-A-LOT TO GO BELLY-UP.

[SNAPS FINGERS] INSTANT GHOST TOWN.

GLENVILLE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?

BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME UNTIL YOU BELIEVED THAT I WAS YOU.

OKAY, LET'S GIVE THIS BRICKHOUSE A CALL.

WE CAN'T.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE HE WON'T BE V.P. OF ACQUISITIONS FOR ANOTHER THREE YEARS.

EXCUSE ME?

RIGHT NOW, DONALD BRICKHOUSE WORKS IN THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.

THEY PROMOTE VERY FAST AT SIR SAVE-A-LOT.

WELL THEN, HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT STORES GOING OUT OF BUSINESS AND TAKING SMALL TOWNS WITH THEM?

HE DOESN'T.

IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET, BUT IT WILL, IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS.

[SIGHS]

THAT'S MY SOURCE?

A GUY WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HE'S A SOURCE YET?

YOU KNOW, AS A JOURNALIST, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM.

SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

I NEED SOME TIME TO DIGEST THIS.

THERE IS NO TIME. THE TOWN VOTES TONIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT TO TELL JACKIE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL HER?

THAT GLENVILLE'S NOT GOING TO BE AROUND IN FIVE YEARS?

BASED ON WHAT FACTS?

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, THINGS WERE JUST STARTING TO GO REALLY WELL FOR JACKIE AND ME.

I LIKED YOU MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU WERE JUST A NUT.

THIS IS TOO HARD.

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT HEAD OF OURS.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

I THINK THERE'S SOMEPLACE WE HAVE TO GO.

I WAS ANGRY AT HIM, TOO.

I'M NOT ANGRY AT HIM.

HE DIDN'T LEAVE, RICHARD.

HE DIED.

YEAH, WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?

IT'S NOT ABOUT INTELLIGENCE.

WHAT YOU THINK UP HERE, AND WHAT YOU FEEL DOWN HERE--

TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

DOWN HERE IS ALWAYS MORE POWERFUL.

YOU KNOW, IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE, THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW, HE'D KICK ME IN THE BUTT AND SAY, "DUMMY, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING."

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

[SCOFFS]

AND THAT WOULD MAKE YOU WHAT, YOUR OWN FATHER FIGURE?

IT SOUNDS CORNY, BUT THE DAY YOU STOP RUNNING IS THE DAY YOU'LL START MOVING FORWARD.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY DIED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I WROTE, SOMETHING THAT...

MIGHT NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUE.

HEY, I KNOW.

RECALLING THAT DAY MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO IT AGAIN.

IF YOU DON'T, A TOWN WILL DIE.

AND IF I DO, I ALIENATE JACKIE FOR GOOD.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

CAN'T NOW, RICHARD.

AFTER THE VOTE.

NO, BEFORE THE VOTE, JACKIE.

IT'S TOO IMPORTANT TO WAIT.

SORRY, IT'LL HAVE TO.

[BUZZING WITH CONVERSATION]

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE BOTHERING TO VOTE.

NO ONE IN TOWN'S EVEN AGAINST IT.

THEN LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.

YOU DON'T COUNT, CHUCK.

YOU'RE AGAINST EVERYTHING.

NOT TRUE.

DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT BOO SANTA CLAUS AT LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARADE?

HEY, SANTA CLAUS IS NOT A WOMAN!

[MOOSE BELLOWS]

[MAN]: TAKE YOUR SEATS, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.

I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS FOR GLENVILLE.

NOT ONLY ARE WE VOTING ON OUR PRESENT, BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY, OUR FUTURE--

AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF MY OWN VOICE ON THE SUBJECT, SO LET'S GET THIS DONE.

AS HAS BEEN THE CUSTOM HERE FOR OVER A CENTURY, WE WILL VOTE BY A SHOW OF HANDS, AND I DO NOT WANT TO CATCH ANYONE RAISING BOTH HANDS.

UH, WHAT IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE PERSONALITY?

[LAUGHTER]

IN YOUR CASE, TUG, DON'T BOTHER RAISING ANY HANDS.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY.

THOSE IN FAVOR OF SIR SAVE-A-LOT--

UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

UM...

BEFORE YOU ALL VOTE, CONSIDER THIS, SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS A RELATIVELY NEW CHAIN, WITH ALMOST NO TRACK RECORD.

RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[DICK, MUFFLED]: LET HIM SPEAK!

I MEAN, DO WE WANT TO BE GUINEA PIGS?

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT KIND OF EFFECT A STORE THAT BIG WILL HAVE ON OUR SMALL TOWN.

OUR TOWN?

YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE HERE.

BUT I WAS BORN HERE.

I GREW UP HERE.

YOU ALL KNEW MY FATHER.

HE HAD A SAYING, "IT DOES NO GOOD TO BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL STICKING UP IN THE AIR."

I MEAN, LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THAT ALL BIG BOX CHAIN STORES ARE A PROBLEM, BUT SO FAR, SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS SHOWING SOME SIGNS OF BEING ONE.

[DICK, MUFFLED]: MAYBE HE'S RIGHT!

YEAH, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.

I SELL FISHING WORMS, WILL.

IS SIR SAVE-A-LOT GOING TO SELL WORMS?

PROBABLY NOT.

YOU CAN CORNER THE MARKET ON WORMS.

[QUIETLY]: CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?

[ROOM BUZZING WITH CONVERSATION]

JACKIE...

GLENVILLE IS GONNA GO UNDER.

PROOF.

GIVE ME PROOF.

WHERE ARE YOUR FIGURES? WHO ARE YOUR SOURCES?

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING CONCRETE YET.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, RICHARD?

LOOK, THIS IS GONNA SOUND BIZARRE, OKAY, SO, PLEASE, JUST KEEP AN OPEN MIND?

OKAY, LOOK, SUPPOSE YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN YEARS BEFORE IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, AND BY HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE, YOU COULD CHANGE THINGS, I MEAN, THINGS THAT WOULD BE DISASTROUS.

ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

YOU JERK.

THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

YES, LISTEN TO THE MAN.

11 YEARS, AND YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED ONE BIT.

ANYTHING FOR A STORY.

ANYTHING FOR THAT CAREER OF YOURS, NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS.

NO, I HAVE CHANGED, JACKIE.

TELL HER.

HE'S RIGHT.

HEY!

THE NATIVES ARE GETTING RESTLESS.

ARE WE VOTING?

NO.

I HAVE TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL.

DEL, CAN YOU REPRINT THE FEASIBILITY STUDY IN TOMORROW'S PAPER?

SURE.

FRONT PAGE.

OKAY, THAT SHOULD SETTLE THINGS, AND WE'LL VOTE MONDAY NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

AND NOTHING, OR NO ONE, IS GOING TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING.

DON'T LET HIM DRAG YOU INTO THIS.

"HE'S RIGHT"?

THAT'S THE BEST YOU HAD?

[♪♪]

HOW YOU DOING?

AS LONG AS YOU KEEP BRINGING ME THESE, I'M A HAPPY FOOL.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHEN?

DICKIE'S HAD A BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

WHICH IS WHY I HOPE I CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THIS WITHOUT YOU TAKING A SWING AT ME.

MAYBE RICHARD HAS A POINT.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DELAY SIR SAVE-A-LOT UNTIL ALL THE FACTS ARE IN.

DICK, I LIKE YOU.

LEAVE IT ALONE.

I LIKE YOU, TOO.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

THANKS.

BUT THEN, YOU ALWAYS WERE.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

I ONCE HAD A GIRL JUST LIKE YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I RAN AWAY LIKE A COWARD.

SO YOU WERE NEVER MARRIED?

NO.

I NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE HER AGAIN.

BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

WHERE IS SHE NOW?

THAT'S A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN.

YOU SHOULD GO SEE HER.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, YOU KNOW, AT LEAST FOR SOME PEOPLE.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[MONITOR BEEPING]

JACKIE, WAIT.

THEY'RE RUNNING SOME TESTS.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR DICK.

HE WAS AT THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT...

AND HE HAD A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

I DROVE HIM HOME.

SUCH A SAD, LONELY MAN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS GIRL, THE ONLY GIRL HE EVER LOVED.

HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?

MM-HMM, AND WHAT'S SAD IS, HE NEVER MARRIED HER, AND HE'S REGRETTED IT EVER SINCE.

HE NEVER MARRIED HER?

NO.

HE'S BEEN ALONE HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

SO HE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED?

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.

[SIGHS]

I'M SORRY.

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU A FRIEND OF DICK WOODSTEIN'S?

YEAH, WE'RE, UH, WE'RE JOINED AT THE HIP.

WE DON'T HAVE ANY MEDICAL RECORDS ON HIM.

DO YOU KNOW IF HE'S TAKING ANY HEART MEDICATION?

I DON'T THINK HE HAS A HEART.

DO YOU MIND LOOKING IN HIS ROOM AT THE GLENVILLE LODGE?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

[♪♪]


[MONITORS BEEP STEADILY]

[MUMBLES SOFTLY]

[GROANS]

HOW YOU FEELIN'?

FINE, UNTIL I SAW THE MONITOR.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

THEY DON'T KNOW YET.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW THIS TO ME?

'CAUSE YOU WOULD'VE TOLD HER.

YOU NEVER MARRIED JACKIE.

WHY DID YOU TELL ME I WOULD MARRY HER?

TO KEEP YOU HERE SO YOU WOULD.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, AND I CAME BACK TO GLENVILLE, I DIDN'T STAY.

I LEFT THE DAY JACKIE GOT ENGAGED TO JEFF.

I COULDN'T HANDLE IT...

AND I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN, UNTIL NOW.

I'VE LED A PRETTY UNHAPPY AND...

UNDISTINGUISHED LIFE SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE, AND THE WORST PART OF IT IS, I'VE GONE THROUGH IT ALONE.

SO WHEN, BY SOME MIRACLE, I FOUND MYSELF BACK HERE, I KNEW I HAD A CHANCE TO CHANGE THINGS FOR JACKIE...

AND YOU.

SO, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I LEFT, YOU STAYED, EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW.

I'M IN UNCHARTED TERRITORY AND SO ARE YOU.

HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE WHETHER I MAKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I DO!

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO CHECK OUT WHEN I'M 55 YEARS OLD, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN I CHECK OUT.

THAT'S TOO CREEPY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HI.

GOOD NEWS.

THE TESTS SHOW NO HEART ATTACK.

WE THINK YOU HAD A VASO-VAGAL RESPONSE, PROBABLY CAUSED BY STRESS, SO JUST GET SOME REST, AND WE'LL HAVE YOU OUT OF HERE BY TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]

CHEER UP, MAN, WE'RE GONNA LIVE.

BIG DEAL. JACKIE WON'T.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO SHOW HER THIS OBITUARY.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S CREEPY TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

LEAVE IT ALONE--

NO, I'M NOT JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

OKAY?

EVEN IF WE CAN'T HAVE HER, I'M GONNA DO MY BEST TO TRY AND MAKE SURE THAT SHE AND GLENVILLE HAVE A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, SAY, "HI, JACKIE, I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE"?

SHE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY AS IT IS.

WELL THEN, I'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.

RIGHT?

HEY, COME ON!

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP!

YOU CAME HERE TO CHANGE ME?

YEAH, THAT'S A JOKE.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE 55 YEARS OLD AND YOU'RE STILL A QUITTER.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

THESE ARE FOR DICK WOODSTEIN.

THESE ARE FROM DEL AND THE GUYS AT THE EAGLE.

[CHUCKLES] THIS IS FROM RICKY.

THE GUYS FROM THE BARBER SHOP.

YOU KNOW...

AND THESE ARE THE FOLKS YOU WANT TO QUIT ON?

[SIGHS] OKAY.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

WE DO WHAT WE DO BEST.

[♪♪]


[DEL]: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

THIS IS GOOD.

IT'LL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.

OH, BOO-HOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU WHINERS DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO WRITE WHAT YOU WANT, ON ANY ISSUE, GET IT PUBLISHED BY A REAL NEWSPAPER AND READ BY A BIG, INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE, WHO CAN ACTUALLY APPRECIATE IT, NOT SOME HIGH SCHOOL CRO-MAGNONS WHOSE MAIN INTEREST IN LIFE IS WHAT LADY GAGA'S GONNA WEAR IN HER NEXT VIDEO.

IT'S SUNDAY, ISN'T IT?

ALL DAY.

[BEEPING DOOR CODE]

YOU KNOW THE CODE?

IT'S SO PREDICTABLE.

IT'S THE PRINCIPAL'S DATE OF BIRTH.

WOW, THIS PLACE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME!

WAIT, Y-YOU WENT TO SCHOOL HERE, TOO?

YEAH, RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, I CARVED MY INITIALS--

GUYS! WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

[QUIETLY]: ARE YOU CRAZY?


OKAY.

LET'S GO SELL SOME PAPERS.

UH, THE OAK IS FREE, ACTUALLY.

I-I KNOW.

IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

RIGHT.

[DICK READS]: "ONCE UPON A TIME, "THERE WAS A SMALL TOWN, "A TOWN SO BEAUTIFUL, "IT WAS AS IF YOU WERE LOOKING AT A PICTURE POSTCARD.

"IN THIS TOWN LIVED A SMALL BOY.

"GROWING UP, "EVERYTHING THE LITTLE BOY DID WAS CONNECTED TO THE TOWN

"AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE.

"HE FELT WARM AND SAFE.

"HE EXPECTED IT WOULD BE THAT WAY

"FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, "BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING.

"FOR THE FIRST TIME, "THE BOY FELT LOST, ABANDONED, "OUT OF PLACE, "SO WHEN HE CAME OF AGE, "HE PACKED UP, "MADE PROMISES TO THE GIRL HE LOVED

"THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP, "AND LEFT THE TOWN

"AND THE PEOPLE

"THAT WERE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF HIS LIFE, "MAYBE TO FILL THE VOID, "MAYBE TO CREATE HIS OWN DESTINY, "MAYBE TO TRY AND FORGET.

"HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHY.

"WHAT HE FOUND

"WERE OTHER TOWNS, MAIN STREETS, "OTHER CITIES, "THE NEXT ONE LOOKING LIKE THE LAST ONE, "AND THE PEOPLE WERE NOT LIKE THEY WERE

"IN HIS HOMETOWN.

"ALWAYS IN A HURRY, BUT SEEMINGLY GOING NOWHERE.

"CROWDED TOGETHER, BUT LOOKING LONELY.

"SOON, HE DISCOVERED

"THAT HE HAD BECOME ONE OF THEM, "AND WHATEVER HE WAS LOOKING FOR, "HE WOULD NOT FIND

"UNTIL HE CAME BACK TO THE VERY PLACE

"HE RAN AWAY FROM, "AND THE PEOPLE THAT HELPED FORM HIM

"AS A HUMAN BEING.

"HE WAS SURPRISED AND COMFORTED

"TO FIND THAT HIS TOWN WAS EXACTLY AS IT WAS WHEN HE LEFT."

[RICHARD CONTINUES READING]: "WHEN YOU LEAVE

"FOR A LONG TIME, "YOU FORGET WHAT HOME MEANS TO YOU, "WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING, "UNTIL YOU COME BACK, "AND WHAT I SEE IS A TOWN

"THAT, FOR OVER 100 YEARS, "CREATED ITS OWN DESTINY

"WITHOUT COMPROMISING ITS PERSONALITY OR CHARACTER.

"SO MY QUESTION

"TO THE PEOPLE OF GLENVILLE IS, 'WHY MUST SIR SAVE-A-LOT BECOME A PART OF THAT DESTINY?'"

"YES, CHANGE CAN BE POSITIVE, "BUT IT CAN ALSO UPSET THE DELICATE BALANCE

"OF AN ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE.

"AND TURN SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE LOVED

"INTO SOMETHING INDISTINGUISHABLE, "OR WORSE.

"SHOULDN'T WE PRESERVE OUR HISTORY

"INSTEAD OF RISKING ITS EXTINCTION?

"I LOVE THIS TOWN, "ALMOST IN THE SAME WAY

"I LOVE THE WOMAN I LEFT 11 YEARS AGO.

"SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU'RE SCARED, YOU RUN, "BUT I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE, "AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME

"TO START PRESERVING SOME OF MY HISTORY, "WITH THE ONLY TOWN

"AND THE ONLY GIRL I'VE EVER LOVED, "IF THEY'LL STILL HAVE ME.

"I URGE YOU NOT TO CHANGE THE FACE OF OUR TOWN.

LET'S BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE."

[KNOCKS HESITANTLY]

HEY, DICK?


[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]


WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, HONEY?

JACKIE?

IS THAT YOU?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

I JUST...

I WENT FOR A WALK.

RICHARD, EVERYBODY'S WAITING FOR US AT THE RESTAURANT.

YOU CALLED ME RICHARD.

OF COURSE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

[CHUCKLES]

MY FAVORITE SCAR.

I PUT MY LOVE BRAND ON YOU FOR LIFE WITH A FROZEN CHICKEN.

YOU REMEMBER?

WOW.

YOU SHOULD GO FOR WALKS MORE OFTEN.

WE'LL FINISH THIS LATER, BIG BOY.

WE'VE GOTTA GO, WE'RE LATE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

YOU'RE FUNNY.

UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?

[♪♪]

[HUMMING WITH CONVERSATION]

HEY, MOM, DAD.

PAULIE! PAULIE...

HEY, PAULIE, SAY HEY TO GRANDPA.

HE'S GOT MICHAEL'S EYES AND YOUR HAIRLINE.

[CHUCKLES]

RICKY, I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

RICKY.

ARE YOU KIDDING, MAYOR?

I WOULDN'T MISS THIS FOR THE WORLD.

SHE'S STILL THE MAYOR? MISS WHAT?

[LAUGHS]

AND YOU'RE STILL A WISE GUY, HUH, RICHARD?

JUST DON'T ASK ME TO PULL DOWN MY PANTS AGAIN.

HEY, RICKY, I READ YOUR STORY IN TODAY'S TIMES.

BRILLIANT AS USUAL.

BLAME IT ON MY MENTOR OVER HERE.

DRINKS.

MISS WHAT?

MOOSE.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

MEATLOAF?

OF COURSE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH.

I'M JUST...

A HAPPY FOOL.

[CHUCKLES]

JACKIE...

DO YOU REMEMBER A GUY ABOUT, UH, 25 YEARS AGO NAMED DICK?

YEAH, VAGUELY.

I DON'T REMEMBER HIS FACE, BUT HE... HE WAS A SWEET OLD GUY AND HE LIKED MEATLOAF.

AND THEN ONE DAY HE JUST DISAPPEARED.

WHY?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

25 YEARS.

WHAT'S THE SECRET?

EVERY DAY IS LIKE DAY ONE.

[GLASSES CLINK]

[♪♪]