Time Bandits (1981) Script

Yes, folks, Moderna Designs... present the latest in kitchen luxury.

The Moderna Wonder Major All-Automatic Convenience Center-ette... gives you all the time in the world to do the things you really want to do.

An infrared freezer/oven complex... that can make you a meal from packet to plate... in 15 and a half seconds.

The Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.

Block of ice to beef bourguignon in eight seconds.

Lucky things.

Dad, did you know that the ancient Greek warriors... had to learn 44 different ways of unarmed combat?

Well, at least we've got a two-speed hedge cutter.

They were trying to kill people 26 different ways with their bare hands.

Bedtime for you, Kevin. It's 9:00.

And this King Agamemnon, he once fought-

Go on, dear. Your father said.

Oh, all right. The man you all love, Kenny Lange.

Well, that's today's top prize.

Let's meet today's star guest on Your Money Or Your Life.

Bring them on, girls. Oh, don't they look gorgeous?

Oh, they get lovelier every day.

Turn that light off!

It is off.


What the hell is going on up here?

I told you to put that light out and get to bed.

But- And no more noise!

It came off just like that. The whole thermostat.

That's the toaster, the spreader and the slicer all gone.

She's in a terrible state. Should've bought German.

Mom? It would've matched her rotissomat.

Mom, Dad, can I- - You're going to bed in good time tonight.

I was thinking of going to bed now. Now? Certainly not.

You must wait for your food to go down. I haven't eaten any food.

Well, you must eat your food.

And then wait for it to go down.

Oh, no! Not the carvery again.

Oh, dear me, Beryl. Now, all I want to know... is what famous film star begins with "C"?

Do you understand the question, my darling?

Come on, Beryl. Come on. Jumbo's gonna end up in the souffle, Beryl.

You've got to answer it, Beryl. Come on. Come on, Beryl.

It's gone down now. Come on, Beryl. Come on.

What? My supper. It's gone down.

I can feel it. Can I go to bed now?

Yeah, all right. Off you go. But no noise.

What? No noise!

All right. Okay.

No, Beryl. Capetown is not a film star.

Oh, dear. Oh, well. That's Your Money Or Your Life.


Well, it takes money.

With a kitchen like that?

Our kitchen's all right, isn't it?

Our kitchen is light-years behind.


Where are we? I don't know.

Well, look at the map. It's not on the map.

Is he coming after us? I think we gave him the slip.

It's him! Run for it!

Which way? This way. Careful.

We can explain everything, sir.

It's not as bad as it looks.

We just borrowed the map.

Sort of got rather happy about it, and, uh... ran off in high spirits.

Yeah, we did.

Who are you?

That's not him.

It didn't sound like him, did it?

It doesn't even look like him.

It isn't him. Let's get him!

Strutter, get his torch. Shine it right in the face.

His face, dummy!

It's a kid!

Og, Fidgit, check the door.

All clear.

Strutter, the light.

Just tell us how we get out of here, keep quiet and you won't get hurt.

Wh-Why don't you get out the way you came?

Don't try and be smart with me, you little creep.

Yeah.

If you want to play it smart, I'll introduce you to Vermin.

He eats anything, you know.

I'm not trying to be smart. I'm just trying to help.

You know, don't you? I don't know anything.

You know, and you're not going to tell us.

I'm getting angry, and Vermin's getting hungry. I don't know!

He's found it! What?

The way out. It's never done that before.

Come on, you lot, push!

Oh, no! Not like that!

Wait for me to give the order, all right?

Ready? One-

Stop! Stop! You never start on one.

Who ever heard of anybody starting anything on one?

What is it then, two or three? Three.

And push!

It's him! He's found us!

Help us! Please! Help us!

Come on! Who is that?

Return what you have stolen from me!

Return! Return the map!

It will bring you great danger!

Stop! Now!


Where are we? I'm stuck!

Quick! The barn!

Get under here. Hold him, Strutter.

Shut up!

All clear. Wally?

Yeah.

Strutter? Yeah.

Move it. Go. Okay.

Fidgit? Yeah.

Where are we? What happened to my bedroom?

Who was that man?

That was no man. That was the Supreme Being.

You mean God?

We don't know him that well. We only work for Him.

Shut up! Now, are we all here?

What? Og, are you here?

Yeah, he's here. Vermin?

Vermin, will you stop eating!

It's too dangerous to stay here. He's probably still after us.

So we better keep moving. Hey, where are you going?

Hey, where are you going? Get him! He'll give us away.

Help! Help!


Farmers!

Look what you've done, boy.

Sorry. What town is that?

Castiglione, or what Napoleon's left of it.

Napoleon? Yes. It's his city now.

Come on, boy. You come with us.

No, thanks.

Come with us if you know what's good for you.

You're going the wrong way.

Napoleon?

Get down! You nearly got us caught!

You silly fool. You could've ruined everything.

Do you know where we are? Shut up. Of course I do.

1796. Battle of Castiglione.

See?

Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?

Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?

We agreed no leader. Right. So shut up and do as I say.

Now, we've got to get into the city.

We can't. The roads are too dangerous.

I've got an idea. We can use the river.

Come on!

Aaaah!

What are we going to do here?

A robbery. Shhh.

A robbery? Of course.

We're international criminals. We do robberies.

Shut up back there.


Aim! Fire!

Take aim! Fire!


That's him.

You're not gonna rob him?

Yeah. Every single penny he's got.

But that's Napoleon. And he's rich.

Monsieur Commander...

I think that the mayor of Castiglione and his council... would like very much to surrender now, please.

Look at that! Look at the little fellow!

With the city, we have the whole area of western Lombardy at our feet.

Oh, go away!

I never should've married you!

Oh, stop it!

Yes! Yes!

Mon Commander, they are very keen to surrender.

They have been here eight hours.

Don't stand so close to me, Neguy!

I've told you about that before.

You on one side and him on the other-

It's like being on the bottom of a bloody well!

Just because you think I'm small.

No, Commander, you are not small at all.

No, not by any means. Five-foot-one is not small.

Yeah, five-foot-one and conqueror of Italy.

Not bad, huh? Very, very good.

Oh! Oh! Oh! What just happened?

Where'd they- I just-

Bravo!

More! I want more!

I- Thank you. Thank you very much. Encore!

I wonder if you would like to see some of our other items.

We have Zuzu and Benny.

Fun on a unicycle.

No?

How about the Great Rumbozo?

He sing and lift heavy things.

No. How about, uh-

Come on.

This I think you'll like.

It's very funny.

The Three Idiots... uh, from Latvia.

It's a very funny act. They swallow brushes.

No, no! They're all freaks!

Not one of them under five-foot-six.

What kind of theater are you running, huh?

I'm sorry, sir, but-

No, no. More of the funny show, the little puppets hitting each other.

That's what I like! Little things hitting each other!

Come on.

Psst.

Huh? Play something like this.

Tsk. Hmm.

# Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall #

# Like the seashore sticks to the sea #

# Like you never get rid of your shadow #

# Boy, you didn't get rid of me #

# Me #

# And my shadow #

# Strolling down the avenue #

# Avenue, avenue, avenue #

# Me #

# And my shadow #

# Not a soul to tell our troubles to # Please let go!

# We stick together like glue #

# And when it's 12:00 #

# We climb the stair #

# We never, never knock #

# 'Cause nobody's there- #

# Me and my shadow #

# Feeling blue ##

Well, what do you think?

Marvelous show.

Young man, you stick with these boys, you have a great future.

You know, you are the best thing... to happen to me since this whole campaign.

You know, I come to conquer Italy... because I thought they were all small, you know?

I heard they was really tiny guys.

Sir, I really think there are more important things-

Shut up!

Don't you dare to tell me my business.

You are dismissed, you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you.

Great streaks of misery.

But sir- No!

I'm going to have some new generals for a bit.

Alexander the Great... five feet exactly.

Isn't that incredible?

Alexander the Great, whose empire stretched from India to Hungary-

One inch shorter than me.

Oliver Cromwell... the only man with any guts in British history-

Not a big man at all.

Louis IV, 5' 21/2".

Charlemagne... a dumpy little five-footer.

Squatty little chap.

Attila the Hun, 5' 11/2".

Cyrano de Bergerac, 5' 31/2".

Tamburlaine the Great, four-foot-nine...

and three quarters.

Wasn't he interesting?

Strutter, wake up. Wake up.

According to this map, there's a time hole outside. See if you can find it.

Right. The rest of you, the hole disappears at 12:00, right?

So let's get moving.

Vermin, Fidgit, the tapestry.

Hey, that's 16th century! It's nice, isn't it?

Get it!

Okay.

We're rich! We're rich!

Ten-hut!


Come on. We've got 30 seconds left. You found the time hole?

Yes. Let's go.

Come on, Kevin.

Ten-hut!

About turn!


Stop! Go!

Thieves! After them!

Follow them!


Oh, Sir Vincent, you came for me!

Oh, Good Mistress Pansy, I could not have ridden faster.

Four horses have I exhausted this day from Nottingham.

Oh, the way you leapt to my chamber, so full of... manliness.

I could scarce restrain the rushing of my feet.

These 12 long years have been like chains that bound me.

Oh. And the personal problem?

Much, much better. Ohhh.

And now we will ride full tilt to Dover, and there embark for France.

Oh, you don't have to wear the special-

No, no, I don't have to wear the special- anymore.

Oh, Pansy. No more worries now, Pansy.

Oh. Oh.

No. No.

Hey!

Quick! Quick! We did it!

Your problem, Vincent. Forget the problem. Get me the money.

We did it! We did it!

I told you. You stick with me, and you won't go far wrong.

Sometimes I almost believe you, Randall.

Hey, where are we? Where are we?

Why, it's obvious. We're, um-

Vincent, don't worry about a thing.

I'm not worrying.

Exactly- In the Middle Ages.

Hmm... in the Middle Ages.

Five-hundred years before the man we just robbed was even born.

Fantastic! Try that one in a court of law.

Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten.

You never know until you've eaten it.

Is it always like this when you've done a raid?

I don't know. We've never done one before.

But I thought you were international criminals.

Going to be. Going to be.

Yeah, going to be. Aren't we? Going to be?

Especially now that we've got you, Kevin.

Hang on. He's just a kid. He's not one of us.

He knows an awful lot.

Yeah, and he's bigger than any of us.

Do you really want to join us? Can we really go anywhere?

You name it. If it's down here.

I don't understand. What's so special about that map?

This map used to belong to the Supreme Being.

You stole it? No. Well, sort of.

He used to be our employer. He made all the big stuff, like good and evil, men and women, night and day.

And when He did trees and shrubs, we helped make all this.

Whew, that's not bad.

Yeah, and did we get a thimble full of credit for it?

No, all we got was the sack, just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.

Pink Bunkadoo? Yeah. Beautiful tree that was.

Og designed it, didn't you? Yeah.

Six-hundred feet high, bright red and smelled terrible.

As a disciplinary measure, we were sent down to the repairs department.

What?

You see, to be quite frank, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect.

It was a bit of a botched job. We only had seven days to make it.

And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes.

Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinkin' rich?

Yeah, stinkin' rich!

Lads, here's to stinkin' rich!

Stinkin' rich. Stinkin' rich.

And to Kevin! Yeah, Kevin!

Here's to Kevin! Stinkin' Kevin!

Hey, hold it there.

Smile.

Hey, the map. Yeah, the map. Don't forget the map.

Hey, come on! Smile!

Help! Robbers!

Hey, that's us! Someone's in trouble. Come on!

Grab the loot.

It's a bit tight.

Now, those are our sort of people. Yeah!

Vincent! Oh! Oh, dear!

Help! Come on.

Oh, Vincent, someone's coming.

Help! Help I say!

Oh, at last. Oh, I say!

I say, my fiance and I would appreciate a bit of assistance.

Oh, no! The problem, Pansy! Oh! Oh!

It's started again! Oh! Oh! Oh, don't worry, darling.

I say! I must have fruit!

Where are we? We've lost them.

Come on. Don't be so wet.

Hey!

What do we do now, Randall?

Just leave this to me, Wally. We've just got to treat them right.

What do you want, you tatty-faced old scumbag?

What's your business, gob face? We're robbers!

Villainous robbers? The worst.

Stop at nothing? Nothing at all.

Steal a cup outta a beggar's hands? Rather.

The teeth from blind old ladies? Of course.

Toys from children? Whenever we can.

Right. Let 'em down!

They always crack in the end.

Wow.

Listen, I've got a few ideas for, uh, a linkup... between your gang and our gang, but I only want to talk to the boss.

The boss?

The boss? That's right.

They serious?

Ohhh.

All right! Do it!

Anyone else wanna go?

Come on, you weasels.

What's this?

Lose yourself, leprechaun.

Move yourself, lad.

That's disgusting! Wait here! I'll get him!

Hello. I-I'm Hood.

It's Robin Hood. Yeah.

Say good morning, you scum.

Good morning, scum.

Good morning. You're all robbers, then? The best, Mr. Hood.

Jolly good. And you're a robber, are you?

Jolly good.

And do you enjoy robbing, then?

Well, it helps pay the rent, sir.

Jolly good.

And you're a robber too? How long have you been a robber?

Four-foot-one. Good Lord!

Jolly good. Four-foot-one? Yes.

Well, th-th-th-that is a long time, isn't it?

Well now, I hear you've made a pretty good haul.

Well, see for yourself, sir.

Gosh! I say!

Crikey! I mean, I've been in robbing for years, but I've never seen anything like this.

Crumbs! And you acquired all of this by yourselves?

Well, it was a good day, Mr. Hood.

Jolly good day! It's nice, isn't it?

Rather! Well, I mean, what can I say? Thank you.

Thank you all very, very much indeed.

Oh, don't ment- What?

Well, I mean, it's frightfully kind of you.

The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled.

Have you met them? Who? The poor?

Oh, you must meet them. I just know you'll like them.

Of course, they haven't got two pennies to rub together.

But that's because they're poor.

Uh, Marion, would you be so kind as to ask the poor to come in, please?

No problem. Thank you so much.

Right. Come on, you lot. Let's just see what we've got.

This is going to be so much help in our work.

No, you don't understand. All this stuff is ours. We stole it.

Oh, yes, I know, and believe you me the poor are going to be not just thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they, Redgrave?

You see? What did he say?

He said, "Yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all. " Ah, jolly good.

Yes, well, there we are. Congratulations. Well done.

There we are. Well done. Congratulations.

Is that- Is that absolutely necessary?

What did he say?

He says, yeah, he's afraid it is. Ah, fine. Fine.

There we are, madam. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Jolly good. Thank you.

Incidentally, would any of you like to stay on and help us with our work?

There's still so much wealth to redistribute.

Oh, I'd like to stay.

Jolly good. What's your name?

Uh, Ke- Ke- What a jolly nice name.

Let me go. Well, never mind.

Cheerio. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very, very, very, very much.

Awful people.

This can't wait! I'll never get a chance to meet Robin Hood again.

Any chance of a rescue? Stop moaning!

He's obviously a dangerous man. Unbalanced, if you ask me.

Giving away what isn't even his!

That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.

Oh, of course. You know it all. He was one of my heroes.

Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?

Leave him alone, Randall! Well, it makes me sick.

Anyone who's always right makes me sick.

That's why you get on with yourself! Watch it!

Big mouth! Horseflesh wouldn't have got us into this.

Horseflesh is dead. Then give me the map. I'm taking over!

Get off me! Get-

So... these are the sort of people... the Supreme Being allows to steal His map?

Look at them. Stunted little proles.

I wouldn't entrust them to wipe their own noses.

Oh, no, sir. It's much too difficult for them.

What sort of supreme being created such riffraff?

Is it not the workings of a complete incompetent?

But He created you, Evil One.

What did you say?

Well, He created you, so He can't be totally-

Never talk to me like that again!

No one created me! I am Evil!

Evil existed long before good.

I made myself. I cannot be unmade.

I am all-powerful!

Yeah.

But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress?

That's a good question.

Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here... in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

Because you- - Oh, shut up. I'm speaking rhetorically.

Of course. I let Him keep me here... in order to lull Him into a false sense of security.

Ah, clever, clever.

When I have the map, I will be free... and the world will be different because I have understanding.

Uh, understanding of what, master? Of digital watches.

Soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones.

And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers.

And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being.

God isn't interested in technology.

He knows nothing of the potential of the micro-chip or the silicon revolution.

Look how He spends His time. Forty-three species of parrots!

Nipples for men! Slugs.

Slugs! He created slugs.

They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery.

Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

Sir... look!

If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils.

I would have started with lasers, 8:00 day one.

Sorry.

I just can't wait for a new tech- techno- technological dawn.

Sir... look!

What is it, Benson?

The map, sir. The map! They've brought it with them!

What? I saw the map, master, just now.

Are you sure? I'm sure, master.

Down there! The little one has it.

The little one?

This is our chance. This is what we've been waiting for!

It will set us free. Shut up!

If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant.

I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time.

Oh, thank you, master. Thank you.

Now we must bait the hook, see if they bite... and pull them in.

Stand by for mind control.

What about Babylon?

Who? It's a city of legendary wealth.

Ahh.

I've got a better idea.

Who said that?

I've got an idea forming in my head.

You haven't had an idea for thousands of years.

There is a place where we could find the greatest thing man could want, the goal of everybody's hopes and dreams.

What the hell are you talking about?

The most fabulous object in the world.

That sounds like a good idea. Yeah.

They're hooked, the greedy little fish.

Why do you always have to go after money? Who's this?

I don't know, master. I haven't seen him before.

He's stronger than the rest. Who is he?

I don't know. I'm losing them.

Something's going on down there. We've lost them!

Randall, look, over there!

We'd better move! Don't rush me.

The forest! It's on fire!

It's raining, pudding head!

Oh, no! What is it?

It's Him! It's Him!

Return the map.

Make for the hole! Where is it?

It's over there. Quick! Come on!

Stop! Return! Hurry up!

Return what you have stolen from me.

Return the map!

There are two holes, Randall. Which one? Which one?

Go, Kevin! Just get away!

Go! Not that one!


Where did you come from? Huh?

I'm not quite sure.

Who sent you? The gods?

Was it Zeus? Apollo?

Athena?

Well, you're certainly a chatty little fellow, aren't you?

I don't believe it!

You don't believe what?

I don't believe the way you killed him.

Yes. But it has to be done sometimes.

No. I mean it was such a good shot.

I bet you've killed lots of people.

Well, the gods must have given you a name.

Oh, yeah. Kevin.

Kevin?

Well, Kevin, here, it's yours.

What? You don't want it?

Oh, yes, please. You mean I can really have it?

Well, on condition that you carry it back to the city for me.

Oh, great. But no, I can't really.

I must wait. You see, I'm with friends.

You see, if I lose them, I may never be able to get back.

Get back? To where?

I'm not really sure.

Here, you better take this. You'll need it. It's water.

There's enough there for your friends, too, if they ever turn up.

Oh, and by the way, thank you.

No. Please. I'd like to come, really.

No, no, please. I'd like to come.

Better? No.


You saved my life. Remember?

The enemy of the people is dead!

Hail King Agamemnon!

There's a man being cut in half here.

It must have been a brilliant battle. Choo! Choo!

All three are to receive summary executions today.

If the queen wishes to see me, I'll be in the courts all afternoon.

Remind the queen that I still rule this city.

I wish I'd been in the Trojan Wars.

Will you teach me how to sword fight?

Come here. I'll teach you something much more useful.

Where is it? There.

That one.

Kings aren't supposed to do things like that.


You know, I never, ever want to go back.

Don't you want to see all your friends again?

No, thanks.

To be in your own home, to be with your own father and mother?

No.

Very well, then.

I can stay? We'll decide that tomorrow.


I have decreed that this boy shall remain here with us in our city.

Furthermore, he shall from this day forward be my own son... and heir to the throne of Mycenae.

Let the banquet begin.


And now, ladies and gentlemen, a mastery miracle of modern magic before your very eyes.

Abracadee, abracadoo!

You're doing a great job.

If we can borrow this for a moment, sir.

Please give generously as my assistants pass amongst you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Come on. Come on.

Now all we need is a volunteer. Yes, young man, you'll do fine. No! Please!

No! Leave me!

Come on! Come on!

No way! May I? The crown?

Don't! Help me!

Kevin, let's get out of here!

No! Please, no!

Thank you.

No! Please! Watch this!

We make a great team, don't we?

Now!


Alone, at last. Isn't it glorious?

Yes. I love the ocean.

God, how I, how I love her.

She's so, so damn- Wet?

Wet. Yes. Yes.

So damn... damn... wet.

Pansy. Pansy, look at me.

Yes, Vincent? Do you love me?

Of course, I love you. You don't mind the, the thing on the end of my nose?

Oh, you mean your- No, darling. Yes, my-

Don't be silly.

Could you share a house with a chap who has a thing like this on the end of his nose?

Of course, my love. Everyone has something odd about them.

Why, I've got an enormous- Pansy!

Pansy, I'm so glad you feel the way you do.

Because now I can ask you what I've always wanted to ask you.

Oh, ask me.

Ask me!

Pansy, will you-

Will you-

Where the hell are we?

Someone hit me! Oh!

Pansy! Pansy!

Give me that!

You've ruined everything! Pansy! Pansy, I can explain!

It's only the thing on my nose and the hairpiece! Everything else is fine!

Fidgit, you're not supposed to eat that.

You're supposed to drink it. I like that. It's very nice.

Oh.

Six more plates of caviar, please.

Anyone else want any?

No, none for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs.

The caviar makes me throw up, you know.

Waiter. Sorry, Randall. Sorry.

Cheer up, Kevin. Kings aren't the only ones with money, you know.

The money wasn't important to him.

He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he?

Stuck out in Greece- lowest standard of living in Europe.

You make me sick!

What? Things are looking better all the time.

I've got something to say to you. Go away!

It's about the map.

The map? I don't understand you, Randall.

You've got something really brilliant like that, and you're just wasting it.

I wouldn't call this exactly... wasting it.

Why couldn't you leave me where I was happy?

Because when you hear what I've got planned, you're gonna be a lot happier.

I was havin' a close look at the map last night. Do you know what I found?

Og was right. The most fabulous object in the world.

It does exist.

Look.

The time of legends- - The time of legends! There's no such thing.

But there is. You just gotta believe in it.

Otherwise, Horseflesh wouldn't have put it on the map.

"In the middle of the time of legends is a fortress of ultimate darkness, and inside the fortress of ultimate darkness, the most fabulous object in the world. "

Give it up, Randall.

Look.

You and me- we got a lot in common.

Not like that Og.

We like a risk.

We like adventure.

Well, this is it.

This is the big one.

No namby-pamby time holes here.

We risk all. We win everything.

Waiter, more champagne.

Yes, sir.

And plenty of ice.


Hello!

I want to go home! I can't stand it!

You'll get us all killed, Randall!

Stop whimpering, Fidgit!

How could I know we were gonna run slap-bang into an iceberg?

It didn't say "Get off before the iceberg" on the ticket.

Now- Now is the time... to star- to start our quest for the- for the most fabulous object, Randall.

Og's right! I've got the map. No!

Let's go! What?

Randall, we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!

It doesn't matter where we are. You just gotta believe in it!

You're crazy!

We must try! No, don't!

Abandon plank! No!

I can't swim! I can't swim!

Help! Help!

Don't worry, Fidgit! I'm coming! Help!

Help!

Now we have them! Oh, well done. Well done, master.

Suddenly, I feel... very, very good.

I'm sorry, master. It'll pass. It'll pass.

Shall I bring them in, master? Yes, Benson.

Bring them into the time of legends.


Hey! Hey, I can swim!

Look.

Look!

Morning, dear.

Ooh!

Help! Who's that?

What, dear? Thought I heard a noise.

No. It's your nerves, dear.

Here we are, darling.

Come on.

And the ointment for the leg.

I grew too fast when I was young.

That was the problem. You've been overdoing it a bit, dear.

You try being beastly and terrifying when you- you can only get one hour's sleep a night because your back hurts, and you daren't cough in case you pull a muscle.

But you are horrible, dear.

You're just sayin' that.

And gargle.

Come on, now. There's a good fellow.

What's that? I don't know.

Wait for me!

Look at these bloody spots.

That's diet, that is.

You'll outgrow them, dear. Look at all this bloody fish!

There used to be a time when you could be sure... of catchin' old boots, cans, hatracks, boxes.

Now it's prawns all the bloody time!

Anti-pollution! Wife!

What d'you want, dear? Do you want the foot powder?

No! Come out here and help me!

Quick! Dear.

What's in there? I don't know, but it's not prawns.

Here.

Here, dear. Leave that to me, please.

Yeah.

Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast.

Ah, you mean eat their boots?

No, dear. I mean, eat all of them.

Every little bit.

That means the big pot and the large skewers.

What shall I do, dear?

Terrify them.

Oh, but what about me back?

Well, you don't have to jump around.

Just shout horribly... and leer at them.

You know, the way you used to.

Right.

Oh, I'm so happy 'cause I'm bus-bus-bus-busy.

Right.

Go away!

Let's see. What have we here?

Some tasty little morsels, eh?

Help! Get off!

Hey! Put me down! Put me down!

Put me down!

# Yes, it's wonderful to be making a fondue again #

Be quiet!

D- D-Does your back hurt?

Huh? I know a cure for bad backs.

Bad back? Me? An ogre?

W-What you need i-is stretching. Stretching?

# To be melting the cheese in the southerly breeze #

# To be sharpening the skewer again #

Heave!

That's better!

That's better! That's wonderful!

Heave again!

Are they in the pot, dear?

Yeah. Just about.

And one more for luck. Heave!

Two, three, left, right, left, right! Hey, what's going on?

Left, right!

Are you all right, dear?

Oh! Quick! Into the pot! Yeah!

Winston?

Winston!

Is this part of the cure?

Winston.

What are you doing in the water, dear?

Oh, my back is wonderful!

You've got to stop them, Winston!

I can cough!

At last, I can really cough!

Look out! We're going! We're saved!

Yes! To that side! Quick! We're saved!

Catch all! Come on!

Hold on! Hold on tight, Wally!

How're we doing now, Randall?

Just fine.

We're on the right course.

As long as this wind keeps up, nothing can go wrong.

Keep the rudder straight, Strutter. It is straight!

All hands on the tiller!

Quick! Drop the sail! All right! Leave it to me!

One!

How about it? Eh?

I got it.

That's it. That's better. We're out of that.

Randall! Randall?

I think there's something that you should know.

Everybody below decks!

Come on! Get in here! Quick! Get in!

What's going on? You tell me.


Pull these boards out!

You might sink the ship! Oh, shut up!

Here's a hammer! That's it!

That's it! Now!

Do it again! Harder! Really hard!

Oh, stop him!

Drugs! Hey! I've got an idea!

Sleeping potion!

Strutter, take this!

Take the plug out!

Here!

Hey. Yeah!

Hey. Yeah.

Do it! And, heave!

Squeeze! Squeeze!


Hey! Oh!

Come on! Come!

Hey, what's out there?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Come on. Let's go. Run! Run! Quick!

The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness is somewhere over there, I promise you!

Oh, you're joking, Randall. There's nothing over there!

Look! We're so close!

Y- You've been saying that for the last 40 miles!

Let's go back! We'll all die out here!

Yeah! You can't give up now.

When can we give up? Come on. It's just a big further-

What is it?

I don't know, but it hurts.

It's some kind of invisible barrier.

Oh! So that's what an invisible barrier looks like.

It's what this line must be.

And just on the other side, the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.

We've made it, lads! We're here!

You're mad, Randall!

Your brain's gone. Do you know that?

I promise you, this is it!

We are here!

We're nowhere, Randall! Yeah!

Look around! There's nothing! Yeah.

There's only one way to go now.

That's right. Back! Come on. Right!

Come on. We're going back. No! Listen!

No! Stop! Stop! No, you don't! Get out of the way!

Listen to me! Get out of the way!

You'll never get back without me.

Do you wanna bet?

Wally, give that back. Get out of the way, Randall.

You give that back, or I'll take your head off.

Randall! Don't do it!


We have found it!

Thank you.


Brilliant, Evil One.

Is everything ready? Yes, master.

Fantastic.

Amazing.

Magnificent.

Look.

Move! Get out of the road!

Yes, folks. Moderno Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury:

The Moderna Wonder Major All-Automatic Convenience Center-ette.

And here they are- the winners of the most fabulous object in the world.

The answer to all their problems and yours... is here for them tonight!

Hey!

Don't go! Where are you going? We found it!

Wait! You're mad!

Come back!

Let's go get it! Come on!

Here they come! So let's give 'em a big welcome!

Trevor, Diane- Oh, don't they look lovely!

Mom!

Dad!

Come on. Lead us in a big hand for the lucky winners!

Come back!

It's a trap! Fabulous.

Fabulous.

Here they are. Congratulations.

But before they collect their prize, let's just have a look at what made it possible... for them to be here with us tonight.

The map, please.

Let us out!

Let us out! Come back!

I have the map! I have the map!

And the day after tomorrow, the world!

Oh, no!

Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get.

No. Leave off!

That's it, then. It's all over.

We could've stayed at home making trees.

Oh, shut up. How could we have been so stupid?

I don't know.

Hey! Look, look! Quick! Come on! Look!

Look at this. Quickly!

Look! Good one of Wally.

No! Look!

It's the map!

I can see it's the map. What use is that to us now?

Look, closer. The time of legends, see?

See the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

That's a hole? Exactly!

It could lead almost anywhere. Everywhere!

What? We just found the biggest hole in the universe, and it's practically below our feet!

Kevin, you're a genius!

Come on, you lot! Shift! We'll never get out of here!

Wanna bet?

No!

That's right, Og. Show 'em we can do something right for a change.

That's it.

Let's have that.


Give us some more.

That's enough, Wally!

Okay, Strutter.

Have you got the rope? Hold on!

Right.

Hold tight! Keep straight!

Watch your feet. Watch your feet. Easy.

Hold it.

Steady. Watch it. Watch it.

Hold your fingers.

He's going!

It's coming. Go now.

Ready? And-


Again! Again!

Ready, Wally! Okay, Strutter.

Here we go! Geronimo!

Yeah!

Okay! Go, Strutter!

Strutter! Hey! We've made it!

Okay, Wally.

Take up the slack.

Quick, Wally.

Go!

Come on!

Go, Vermin!

Go, Fidgit! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!

I'm going! Go!

Come on!

Wally! Come on, Wally!

Right, lads! Watch this!

Wally!

Pull the rope.

There he is!

Wally! Wally!

Pull him up! That's it!

Well, we've done it. Yeah, we've done it.

Now all we need is the map. What?

We don't need the map. We know where the time hole is. Let's get out of here.

But Evil's got the map, Randall! Oh, damn right, yes.

Last thing we want to do is see him again. Come on.

But you can't leave it with him, or he'll destroy the world!

Oh, Robert, Benson, I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong.

I feel so bad, Benson. Good! Good!

Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling.

Kill me, master! Kill me! Not now, Benson. We have work to do.

No less a work than the overthrowing of creation itself.

We will remake man in our image, not His.

We will turn mountains into sea, and the skies into rivers, and fjords into deserts.

Come on! Come on! And deserts into quagmires.

The boy's insane. We can't go in there.

Shh!

Oh!

Let me see! And icebergs into fire!

And the fire into a mighty rushing wind which will cover the face of the earth... and wipe clean the scourge of woolly thinking once and for all.

We can make beans into peas!

Oh, Benson.

Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

You say... such nice things, master. Yes, I know. I'm sorry.

Now, Benson, I shall have to turn you into a dog for a while.

Thank you, master.

Stay, Benson. Guard the map.

Robert, we must plan a new world together.

This time we'll start it properly.

Tell me about computers.

Uh, a computer is an automatic electronic apparatus... for making calculations.

Or controlling operations... that are expressible... in numerical or logical terms.

And fast breeder reactors?

Ah, fast breeder reactors... use a fast fission process... for the generation of fissile isotopes.

Be quiet, Benson!

Show me more, Robert.

Show me-

Show me... subscriber trunk dialing.

I must know everything.


Come on! Throw!

Throw it!

Stop!

Come on! Oh, no!

Let's get out of here!

Come on!

Stop them by every means in my power!


It's coming this way! Run for it!

I'm coming! I'm coming!

We're trapped.

We've got to separate. What?

Go down the time hole. Go wherever you can and get help.

I'll divert them. But you can't do it on your own.

No. I'll take one other.

Well done, Og.

Yes. Og and me'll stay. Ready?

Hey! Hey! This way!


You are a very troublesome little fellow.

I think I should teach you one of my special lessons.

What do you think, Robert?

Benson, what would look nice?

Half donkey?

Half warthog? Half oyster?

Half carrot?

Or the diseased left tonsil-

Call off those, those creatures, or I'll destroy the map forever.

Don't, don't be so stupid. Call them off!

Very well. I have no need of them.

Robert. Yes, master?

Your time has come.

Oh, wonderful, master! Wonderful!

Wonderful! Don't mention it.

Benson.

I'm a reasonable man.

Give me the map, and you might at least walk out of here on human feet.

Og!

No!

No!

No!


This way, men. Over there.

Wally!

Where's the trouble, sonny? Down there!

Aha!

So... this is the best... the Supreme Being can do.

I guess we'll have a lynchin', eh? Yippee!

Wait!

Got him!

See, sonny? No problem.

Wait a minute! Wait!

Wait a minute! Oh! Oh! Hey!

Hold on! Hey! Hey!

Let me go! I don't feel so good!


Fire!

Look out!

Charge!


Strutter! Quick!

Strutter!

Next!

Get him!

Randall, go!

Go!


I can't control it! Of course you can't, you silly man.

I control them!

Hurry! Help me!

Get me down!

Stay where you are! Something's happening!

Get out of the way, Fidgit!

Get out of the way!

Fidgit! Hey! Hey, Fidgit!

Fidgit!

Quick! Push it off him! Push it off. Quick.

He's dead. What?

Fidgit's dead.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

It wasn't your fault, Wally. It was, it was his fault.

Get down, Wally! Get down!

Wally! Get down, Wally! Evil!

Come on back!

Evil! He killed my friend!

I'll kill him! Get off me!

Get down!

I'll kill him!


Huh?

Oh, no! He's found us!

Quick! Ron for it!

Oh! I hate having to appear like that.

Really, it's the most tiresome way.

Noisy manifestation.

Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.

Get down! Get down!

O Great One! O Supreme Being!

O Creator of all the universe, without whom we would be naught but scarab beetles on the-

What a dreadful mess! Is the pig with you?

Right. Well, we'll sort him out first.

Og!

Og, here! Quick! Out of the way! I was enjoying that.

One thing I can't stand, it's mess.

I want all this stuff picked up.

Yes, sir. Anything you say.

Anything you say, sir. Wally, tidy up!

But, but he's dead, Randall.

Fidgit, Fidgit's dead.

Dead? No excuse for laying off work.

Fidgit. Fidgit.

Fidgit?

What happened? I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit.

He's okay! He's okay!

Oh, do hurry up.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I'd like to explain everything.

We didn't mean to steal the map. We didn't mean to run away-

What do you mean, you didn't mean to steal the map?

It, it just sort of- Of course you didn't mean to steal it.

I gave it to you. You silly man. And that.

Do you really think I didn't know? Sir?

I had to have some way of testing my handiwork.

I think it turned out rather well.

Don't you? Hmm?

Evil turned out rather well. Mm-hmm.

Whose are these?

Mine, sir.

They're mine, sir.

You really are an untidy boy.

Sign... here.

Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?

Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being.

I'm not entirely dim. Oh, no, sir.

We're not suggesting that, sir. It's just-

That I let you borrow my map.

Now I want every bit of Evil... placed in here.

Right away. Of course, sir.

Come on.

You mean you let all those people die, just to test your creation?

Yes. You really are a clever boy.

Why did they have to die?

You might as well say, "Why do we have to have evil?"

Oh, we wouldn't dream of asking a question like that, sir.

Yes. Why do we have to have evil?

Ah.

I think it's something to do with freewill.

Do be careful.

You weren't watching.

Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil.

One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.

I'm sorry, sir.

I, I was just wondering if there's, um, any chance we might have our old jobs back, sir.

Oh, you certainly were appallingly bad robbers. Yes, sir.

I really should do something very extrovert and vengeful with you.

Honestly, I'm too tired.

But I think I'll just transfer you to the undergrowth department- yes, bracken, small shrubs- that sort of thing- with a 19% cut in salary backdated to the beginning of time.

Thank you, sir. Oh, thank you, sir.

Well, I am the nice one.

Is it all ready? Right!

Come on, then. Back to creation.

I mustn't waste any more time. Bye, Kevin.

They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.

Come on. Sir?

Yes? What about my friend, sir? Can he come with us?

No, of course not. This isn't a school outing.

But, sir, he deserves something.

I mean, without him- Oh, don't go on about it.

He's got to stay here to carry on the fight. Fidgit!

Come on. Fidgit!

Hey! You can't go!

Hey, you can't leave me! Fidgit!

Fidgit, come on! Wait, please!

Come on, Fidgit! Hey! Stop!

Hey! Hey! Don't leave me!

Hey! Help! Stop!

Don't go! Help! Don't leave me!

Hey! Don't go! Stop!

Don't leave me! Please! Wait!

Don't leave me! Please!

Come on! Come on!

Let's go!

Let go! I've got to save it! Don't be a fool, Diane!

I'm going in for the toaster! No! No!

Oh, Trevor! Me super deluxe steamer!

Oh!

You all right? Yeah.

I think so.

You're a very lucky boy.

Honestly, Trevor. If you'd been half a man, you'd have gone in there after the blender.

This is what started it. Eh?

Left the Sunday joint cookin' all night, didn't we?

Sunday joint? It's Thursday.

I never touched it!

Well, someone put it on.

Well, there was no meat in there last night.

Oh! Well, what do you call this then?

Mom! Dad!

It's Evil!

Don't touch it!


Mom?

Dad?