Greetings, fellow humans.
What you are about to see is a historical record of my life as a detective.
It has been rigorously fact-checked.
It is also highly confidential.
But I have agreed to document it because my expertise is invaluable to anyone who ever wanted to be a detective.
Which is probably everyone.
That said, do not try any of what you are about to see at home.
The high stakes world of a professional detective is dangerous, fast moving, and unpredictable.
Especially the part involving a truck, a window, and a polar bear.
A world of success It's waiting for me If I heed the call I won't settle down Won't settle for less...
Mistakes were made.
But I should back up.
The story, not the truck.
This is where I live.
Well, not there, but, here.
North Portland, in the shadow of this water tower.
My name is Failure, Timmy Failure.
My name used to be spelled like this.
But somebody changed it. And now, it's spelled like this.
The name is misleading, because I am anything but.
I am only concerned with one thing... greatness.
I am the founder, president, and CEO of my own detective agency.
It's the best detective agency in town.
Perhaps, the world.
This is my latest case. Maybe the biggest of my storied career.
And that's my partner. His name is Total.
He's a 1500-pound polar bear.
He's classified as a vulnerable species, because his arctic home is melting.
So in 50 years, it retreated more than it had in the previous 200.
So, he wandered for food.
First by sea...
and then by land.
Until he came to Portland.
Stumptown, the city at the end of the trail.
You're just leaving? I need to live my life.
Well, why can't you live it here with us, like you promised?
You know, I'm sorry, all right?
You're sorry, all right. A sorry loser!
A place where things get strange.
And he found our house...
and my cereal.
We buy good cereal.
Initially, he displayed a fair degree of diligence and responsibility.
So, I amended the official license of my agency.
And agreed to make him a full partner.
Which was a mistake.
The diligence and responsibility were a ruse.
It's something polar bears do.
My mode of transportation is the key to my success.
It's called the Failure Mobile.
It is an imposing machine that allows me unlimited access to the entire town.
And it commands the respect of others.
'Cause on the mean streets of Portland, respect is critical.
It should also be noted that it belongs to my mother, who won it in a church raffle.
I won! I won; I never win crap. Boom!
She calls it her stress reliever.
And so, she set forth some restrictions on when and how I can use it.
Never, ever, ever!
I thought that was vague... so I use it.
My relationship with local law enforcement is problematic.
They admire my talent, but resent the fact that I refuse to collaborate.
But I don't have to, because business is booming.
Portland is a city that is rife with crime, corruption... and Russians.
That's a demerit.
Hello, Gunnar. Hey, Timmy. What do you want?
I understand someone stole your backpack.
You may be wondering how I know that.
I posted signs all over school.
I want you to know that we are professional and discreet.
We can find your backpack.
We're wasting valuable time.
I normally keep my backpack right there.
But, all I really care about is my Swiss Army knife.
It was in the front pocket.
So, you're Swiss? No.
But you fight with knives?
I got it for scouting. I'm trying to earn my survival skills badge.
You got to survive in the woods, for two days, with only a knife.
Survive what exactly?
Good luck, Son.
Maybe go for the bird watching badge instead.
I have to do my homework now, Timmy.
Is this for enemy surveillance?
It's for looking at stars.
Good cover. I think we're done here.
You didn't do anything. Incorrect.
I surveyed the crime scene and reached a comprehensive conclusion.
I'll show myself out.
That's the closet.
Who are you? Timmy. Who are you?
You live here? No, someone just put my name on the wall.
What's with the dumb scarf?
Yeah, it's also not normal.
Normal is for normal people.
Close the door, weirdo.
With you on the outside.
Get out, or I'm gonna pound you!
Timmy, you're nuts for going in there. Gabe's in middle school.
He's got a screw loose.
I was looking for clues.
Did you find any? Of course.
Gabe, very rude.
Gabe, very rude.
What am I missing?
As darkness falls, I continue to wrestle with the complexities of the Gunnar case.
The good news is that my mother has two jobs.
So, I am left alone to work in peace and quiet.
The bad news is my cramped office conditions.
Timmy, I'm home.
I have plans to renovate, so I scheduled a teleconference.
It would be helpful if you would get rid of all your clothes.
I need more office space.
I'm not getting rid of my clothes.
You need a bigger office, you look for it somewhere else.
Eat your burger.
I need the real estate listings.
Oh, are you serious?
He's not. I am.
No. That's... Thank you. No.
I'll probably move my office downtown. More prestige.
Why limit yourself to downtown?
It's your world headquarters, you've got to think bigger.
Like, I always wanted to live in New York City.
The music scene, museums, the Broadway shows, you would love Broadway, buddy. That's where you should have your office.
I'll stay in Portland.
I tell you what, if you finish all of your food, we'll pick up the real estate listings on our way home.
Commercial real estate?
Of course. More prestige.
Note to file, consider hiring Mother for global planning position.
And so, I set my lofty sights on a new world headquarters, befitting my agency.
Rents are higher than anticipated.
It's urgent we crack the Gunnar case.
Timmy, get up.
And once we crack the Gunnar case, bingo bango.
We'll be making billions.
And with all that cash, we'll be able to open our new office.
We'll return to Gunnar's after school.
Dust for fingerprints, take some hair samples. Love you buddy!
Hey, Timmy. Come on, you're gonna be late.
We'll reconvene at recess.
I don't like it either.
School policy. They're anti-bear.
You're late, Failure.
Again. Mr. Crocus. He's problematic.
Oh and, Failure, it's your turn to take care of Hammy Ham.
Pick him up at Maxine's house tomorrow after school.
I can't. Busy.
I don't mind taking care of Hammy Ham for another week, or longer.
No. Failure... you pick up that hamster or you get detention.
What are you in for? Murder.
You? Not caring for the class hamster.
I'll get the rodent. Good choice.
The people I sit with are also problematic. Like her.
Hi, Timmy. Molly Moskins.
She smiles too much and smells like a tangerine.
Clear your desks, we're going to have a quiz.
And him, Charles Tookus.
Prefers to be called Rollo, he's a former employee of my agency.
Is this a surprise quiz? Did you know about it?
No. Then... surprise!
I... I'm totally unprepared.
He has a nervous condition, so, I had to let him go.
But she's the most problematic. I call her The Nameless One.
Because I am never ever going to talk about her. Ever.
Now, you can expect four more of these quizzes before the end of the year. Is that even legal?
I used to think Scantron tests were formulaic and demoralizing.
Now I see them as a form of artistic expression.
One final thing, all remaining quizzes will be graded on the combined average of your quadrant.
I'm attempting to foster collaboration, Mr. Tookus.
Working together, maybe the only chance you have of surviving middle school next year.
Oh, we're dead. Why?
Timmy doesn't study, he'll tank our grade.
Grades are the least of my concerns, Rollo Tookus.
What are your concerns, Timmy?
I cannot collaborate with The Nameless One.
Well, I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm sure we can problem solve the situation.
Molly Moskins, do you have something you'd like to share?
No, but Timmy does. And I think he should be heard.
Oh, well, if something is troubling you, Mr. Failure, then by all means, stand up and share. Stand up.
Well, speak up, Failure.
We're all waiting.
You can do it, Timmy. Say something, Timmy.
As I expected. Now sit down, Failure.
But sitting with The Nameless One was not an option.
Sit down... or go to the Principal's office.
So, I was forced to improvise.
What are you doing now?
Sitting down, but over here.
All right. That's it. Get out. Get out of my class.
Without the desk!
Recess is the only opportunity I have to do global strategy planning for the agency.
So, I sit in the one spot that allows my business partner to participate.
And where no one else can listen in on our highly confidential meetings.
Like the other kids... or The Nameless One.
Or the Russians.
I wouldn't approach the fence. Why not?
For your own safety.
Ignore him. Jealous.
You'll have to return to Gunnar's without me after school.
I'm going to be delayed.
Now, by my estimation, we've had 11 meetings so far this year, and neither Timmy's grades nor his behavior are improving.
And worse, he doesn't seem to care.
I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but Timmy does care.
He just... he cares in a... a different way.
Hmm, well, be that as it may, if this keeps up, we're gonna have to suspend him.
No. No, that... that won't be necessary.
He... he'll do better. I promise. Ms. Failure, as you know, this is Timmy's final year at Carverette.
He's supposed to move on to middle school next year with the rest of his class.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six...
Needless to say, this will be a significant change for your son.
Middle school is a much bigger place.
It can be quite intimidating.
The classes are larger.
The teacher student ratio is extreme.
And the amount of schoolwork will increase substantially.
It will be an exceedingly heavy workload.
The point is, Ms. Failure, that we've made the mistake of coddling your son for far too long.
And when he gets to middle school, that's over. Finished.
He's going to have to stop living in his own world.
I understand, absolutely.
Timmy, tell Mr. Crocus that you're sorry.
For what exactly?
For disrupting the class.
I'm trying to focus on my quiz, Mother.
My quadrant is depending on me.
Mistakes were made.
I can't believe this.
If you get suspended, I am screwed. I'm serious, Timmy.
I can't afford childcare, and I can't afford to stay home with you.
We can barely pay our rent as it is.
You gotta help me out here, buddy, okay? I'm serious.
Mother was upset, but she didn't need to be.
The Solution was obvious.
Fifth grade would be the final year of my formal education.
Okay, so what leads did you dig up on the Gunnar case?
What do you mean? You accomplished nothing?
We need to crack the Gunnar case so we can move our offices downtown.
Timmy, stop. What are you doing?
Not my fault. Disgruntled employee.
Well, stop. I'm trying to pay some bills.
And you need to get ready for bed. Come out from under there, please.
These bills are nothing. When my agency expands...
I will be able to pay you ten times your current salary.
You don't need to worry about my salary.
All you have to worry about is school.
Promise me you're going to try harder. Affirmative.
You need to learn to say you're sorry sometimes, like today. Okay?
That's not normal. Good.
Normal is for normal people.
Stop that. It's unprofessional.
Do it again.
For a detective, time equals money.
So, it's profoundly annoying when I'm forced to do such trivial things.
Like pick up the class hamster.
Keep an eye on things.
Hi, Timmy. Are you here for Hammy Ham?
Can you keep a secret?
You sure he's dead?
He hasn't moved for three days.
Note to file, possible homicide.
I'll need a shoe box. Why? What are you going to do?
Take the body to the lab... open an investigation.
This will probably hit the papers.
It's not my fault. I... I love animals.
I'm on the planning committee for Animal Awareness Month.
You should consider stepping down till this blows over.
Which it probably won't.
Papa Bear, coming out with the body.
With suspected homicides, it's important to get the corpse to morgue as quickly as possible for forensic analysis.
Which I would do right now... if the Failure Mobile was here.
But it's not.
So, I calmly considered the implications to my business...
and my domestic life.
Never, ever, ever.
And my future. Mr. Failure... scarf off.
And I make a brief note in my detective log.
We've talked about this. You're never supposed to swim when you're on duty. You're supposed to keep an eye on things.
You are receiving multiple demerits for this.
He's fired up today. I know, it's so exciting.
Finding the Failure Mobile is now our top priority.
Cancel all other cases.
Hi, Mrs. Tookus. Is everything all right?
I need to see Rollo, urgent matters.
Oh, he's not here. He's at his fencing class.
Picket, chain link... lattice.
Do you have the address?
All right, guys. Halt. Look at me for a second.
Just try to focus on bending your knees, doing good actions.
Plus concentrate on footwork as we do it.
Peter, you're doing great.
Anton, a little more speed. Be a little faster.
No, no, Sophia, more actions, more dynamic stuff.
Rollo, can you focus please?
Rose, try to set your corner up, good actions in and out.
Note to file, Rollo training to be an assassin.
Possible betrayal, remain vigilant.
That's a demerit.
It's obviously a case of industrial sabotage.
They must've known the Failure Mobile is the key to my success.
Fine. But I have to go home and study, you have to study.
We're being graded together now. You're too nervous, Rollo Tookus.
That's why I fired you. You didn't fire me, I quit.
Incorrect. But the point is, I'm willing to hire you back at a higher salary.
Considering your new skill set. What new skill set?
That of an assassin. I'm not training to be an assassin.
My dad thinks fencing will help me get into Stanford.
Sport is a waste of your talents, Rollo Tookus.
I'll speak to your father. No way. You always get me into trouble.
Absurd. What about Operation Sumo?
Where are you? Over.
Outside, over. Outside?
Why are you outside? Over. Can I help you?
Ambush, run! Over!
We needed a disguise. I was grounded for a month.
What are you doing?
Open it. Then maybe you'll understand the gravity of the situation.
Is that Hammy Ham? Correct. He's been murdered.
Did Maxine Schellenberger do it?
We won't know until we do an autopsy.
But I've suspended all cases until we find the Failure Mobile.
Hey, maybe the same person that killed Hammy Ham stole the Failure Mobile.
Good point. That means it couldn't be Maxine because she was with me when it was stolen.
That means it was a professional hit.
That means, the Russians! The Russians!
Okay, I'm in. I'll help you find the Failure Mobile, but you have to promise me that you'll study.
I'm going to see Flo. Why?
Gather intel. That's not studying.
If you are disrupting the solitude of this sacred place, I will find you and silence you. Thank you.
That's a demerit.
I need your help on an urgent matter, Flo.
Of course you do. It's always urgent with you, Timmy.
What's in that box? You do not want to know.
Read this. I need any intel you have on them.
You weren't supposed to say it out loud.
Okay. Russian travel, Russian cooking, Russian authors?
Then could you be a little more specific?
You said it out loud again.
Okay, so you want a Russian spy novel?
No. I want intel on actual spies living locally.
Okay, Timmy. Listen.
You spent all winter cooped up in here. It's nice out. Just go and play.
I'm not your babysitter. Hi, Timmy.
I finished with the flyers, Flo. Good work, Molly.
Want to join our rally, Timmy? It's for Animal Awareness Month.
Are you aware that this school has an anti-bear policy?
Really? Yes, it's tearing the school apart.
I didn't know anything about it. Tell me more.
I can't discuss it right now, I'm collaborating with Flo.
Oh, we're done collaborating.
I don't know any Russians, Timmy.
I do. You do?
Yeah, I do. Hold on.
Molly Moskins, source.
Um, Boris, he worked at our church, but he died.
Probably not Boris.
And Corrina Corrina's part Russian.
The Nameless One is part Russian?
Why do you call her The Nameless One? Do you like her or something?
Don't be absurd, Flo.
Go on, Molly. Well, her grandmother's from Russia.
So, that makes her part Russian.
Finally, I could see The Nameless One for who she really is.
A Russian operative.
How reliable is this intel? Very.
She did a show and tell last year with these Russian nesting dolls that her baba gave her.
That's Russian for grandma.
I think we're done here.
I'll circle back, Flo. No need.
Papa Bear, ready to move.
He's so fascinating.
Timmy! Have you seen my compact?
The little mirror? Negative.
Are you sure? Affirmative.
Shoot. Can you get the door?
Deep in the case. Timmy, please. My friend is here.
I invited him over for dinner.
Did you run a background check? No. I know him.
Besides, he works for the police department.
We met him, at the pharmacy. Remember?
The meter maid?
His name is Crispin and he's nice.
He's an underachiever.
Just go. Go on, please.
But he gave us a ticket. He took it back.
Which makes him a corrupt underachiever. Timmy, would you go now?
Hey, Timmy. What's up, man? I'm Crispin. You remember me?
I remember everything.
That's cool. I don't, man.
I forget everything. I have a horrible memory.
Especially with names.
Yeah. Bad with names. Good with people, bad with names.
Is your mom home? Potentially.
What's that? I bought chocolates for your mom.
Oh, I got something for you too, dude.
It's a lucky rabbit's foot. I got a collection of these.
What have we got? Another one, doctor.
Back left foot, gone.
I can't accept that. It's Animal Awareness Month.
Oh. Sorry, I didn't know that.
That's awesome, though. So I should hold on to this or...
I'll keep it as evidence.
Timmy, did you ask Crispin to come inside?
Well, could you please? Now.
You may enter... our home.
Thanks, buddy. I appreciate that.
These are for you. Oh, that's very sweet, thank you.
Well... come in. Come in. All right.
We're... we're eating out back. Great.
He maims his rabbits.
This is good. You're an excellent cook.
Thank you, I... I didn't make this though.
I... I was going to cook and then I just ran out of time.
But still, really good.
Mother. Not now, Timmy.
I think we should end this meal. Stop.
He doesn't have proper clearance.
Whoa, clearance for what?
No, nothing. He's just pretending. No, I'm not.
You sure it wasn't a meter maid joke? I get those a lot.
No. No, it wasn't a meter maid joke. Was it, Timmy?
It's okay. I get it.
You know, people really don't like meter maids.
It's actually why I became one.
So that you wouldn't be liked?
No, so I could change people's perceptions.
Turn negative into a positive.
For example, if I do give a ticket, which I hate to do... Right.
People get really upset.
I'll usually write a little note. Like, "I'm sorry" or "I know this is a real drag." And if they engage...
I just try to listen. Hear them out.
Can I have my phone back now? No.
You know, Timmy, if you're interested, I could show you around the precinct sometime. Negative.
I don't collaborate with local law enforcement.
Oh, how come? I have a partner.
Oh, that's cool, who's that?
Meter nearing expiration on the southwest corner of Albina and Webster, we have a Blue Dodge Neon in a passenger loading only zone, no passengers loading...
I'll introduce you sometime. Great. Let's make that happen.
Do you know why you're here, Timmy?
Well, it seems like you've been having a difficult time in class, so the school thought we should talk about it.
Mistakes were made.
Or we can talk about anything else that's on your mind.
Nice office. What's the rent?
Comes with the job. You looking for office space?
Affirmative, but downtown.
What do you need the office space for?
I think we're done here.
We have 20 more minutes actually.
Is this armor plated?
I think it's just metal.
Timmy, just so you know... whatever you share with me in this room, stays in this room.
This is a safe space. So, no bugs?
Bugs? Listening devices.
Oh. No. There are no bugs.
Order of knishes. Thank you.
Doubtful. My work is very important. A lot of people rely on me.
Like who? My mom, my partner... the city of Portland.
That's a lot of pressure.
How much more time now?
Yeah, definitely not armor.
I can't believe Corrina Corrina's a Russian agent.
It's true. Molly Moskins confirmed it.
She's only so nice to everyone. It's her cover, I saw through it.
These houses are huge.
I wonder what Corrina Corrina's house looks like.
I have a pretty good idea.
Why do you think the Russians want the Failure Mobile anyway?
They just want to sabotage the agency.
So they can execute their master plan. Yeah. Russians always have a master plan.
There it is, 2495.
Just as I imagined. Pure evil.
We have to be very careful where we step. How come?
The property is probably loaded with trip wires.
They're armed. I think they're just squirt guns.
Correct, she's probably squirting a corrosive acid.
No way, they're laughing.
Some acids burn your skin and make you laugh.
Hi, Rollo. Hi, Timmy.
What are you guys doing?
On this public sidewalk.
That's my dad. Bye, you guys.
Whoa! Look at that car.
It's so cool.
It's probably stolen. No way, they're rich.
Her dad owns a bank.
He talked to our class on Career Day. Remember?
I purposely did not listen.
Well, he did. And he is very nice.
He gave us all free pens.
Everybody really liked him. Let's go.
What's wrong with you? We've been duped.
The Failure Mobile isn't here. So, where is it?
If you wanted to keep something safe, where would you keep it?
Under my mattress. Wrong. A bank.
We can't break into a bank. We'll go to prison for the rest of our lives.
Rollo Tookus, still has nervous condition.
There are many horrific places where I wouldn't want to be.
Menaced by beavers...
barreling down Multnomah Falls.
Forced to attend The World Naked Bike Ride...
and then see Mr. Crocus.
But this place tops the list.
Where's my Segway?
Answer me, Timmy.
Mistakes were made.
That was the one nice thing I had, the one nice thing!
I told you never to use it!
I won that thing at church, and I told you how much I liked it.
Facing a code red situation. I improvised.
I lent it to Molly Moskins.
Uh, who's Molly Moskins?
A girl in my class.
She needed it for her stupid rally.
Timmy that was... that was not yours to lend.
It's not my fault. She smells like a tangerine.
Who does? Molly Moskins?
Timmy, I told you never to touch my Segway, right?
And... and... I'm glad that you're getting involved in school, but this kind of behavior has got to stop.
Okay, this is work. I have to take this.
I want my Segway back, the moment that rally is done.
And I'm calling Molly Moskins's mother.
And don't go anywhere.
If she was calling Molly Moskins's mother, I had to get to Molly first...
and make a deal.
A seedy backroom deal.
Can we stick to business?
So, you want me to tell my mom to tell your mom, that we're using your Segway in the rally?
Why did you choose me?
My agency chose you.
Detective agency. Oh!
Did you hear about the purse snatchings? I saw it on the news.
I deal with bigger cases... Holy smokes!
That's my cat, Señor Burrito.
Is it trained?
Aw, she likes you. Probably because you're odd and mysterious.
Get it off me, before I'm mauled.
Señor Burrito, vamonos, vamonos.
Isn't this fun? It's business.
The future of my agency is at stake.
Okay, okay. So, you want me to be your cover.
Well, my answer is yes.
I will cover you anytime, Timmy.
Be professional, Molly.
I'll be professional.
If you want my help, you have to sign up for the Animal Awareness rally.
you have to paint my nails. Absurd!
And when we're done, I'm going to paint your nails.
I think you've had too much tea.
You want me to be your cover, don't you?
Well, right now your cover isn't feeling very cover-y.
Blackmail comes in many shades. Including hot pink.
Did you study? Negative.
We had a deal.
Would you help me with the bank? No way.
No bank, no deal.
Failure... no talking.
I wasn't talking, I was mouthing.
No mouthing, either.
If my mom finds out I went downtown, I'm dead. She won't.
You just say that because your mom has no idea where you are.
She works all the time.
Negative. I say it because this mission is highly classified.
This is a bad idea. I just know it.
Stop panicking. We have backup.
It's a vast complex. Numerous points of ingress and egress.
It's huge. This is nuts.
Did you bring the marbles?
What are these for anyway?
Contingency plan. Let's put on the masks.
These are just on loan, by the way.
Now what? Follow me.
The Failure Mobile is undoubtedly in the vault.
People are staring at us.
Jealous, ignore them.
What are you doing? Gathering intel.
Can I help you boys?
Uh, we'd like to inspect your vault. It's very important, Sir.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Okay. Then we'll just be heading home. Right, Timmy?
Negative. Would you mind removing your masks?
Why? Bank policy. No masks.
We need to see everyone's face.
We're being watched. Of course we are!
We're in a bank. And we're wearing fencing masks.
That's when it hit me... it was a trap.
We were surrounded.
But who tipped them off?
Of course, it was a family affair.
Oh, no. You need to remove those masks, now.
Timmy, we need to remove our masks.
Never. Get ready. Get ready for what?
Plastic? Yeah, it's safer.
It's an ambush, run!
Hey, stop! Why did you do that?
Thank me later. I can't breathe.
Keep your mask on. I'm suffocating!
Papa Bear! Papa Bear! Papa Bear! Need backup.
Repeat, need backup.
Okay, Timmy. Classified information, bugs, armor-plated desks.
I have to ask.
Are you a spy?
Negative. Don't worry.
I had the place swept for bugs. We can talk freely.
I'm a detective.
Ah! Yes, that makes sense.
So, you're having trouble with your agency.
Affirmative. How so?
Someone is attempting to sabotage it.
Do you know who? I can't discuss it with you.
But the success of my agency is at stake.
What is your idea of success?
Have you talked to your mom about any of this?
She's collaborating with local law enforcement.
Mother, can I have a tissue?
He's low level, but very corrupt.
Also he maims rabbits.
Well, I know this is probably not the best time to ask but... is there any chance I could hire you?
What's the case?
I'd like you to do a little undercover work for me, in Mr. Crocus's class.
You want intel. Yeah, I want intel.
How in depth?
Let's start with the homework he's assigning you.
I want to see it, make sure it's on the up and up.
Completed homework? Yes, completed.
That will definitely cost more.
All right, people. Lock it down. Lock it down!
Hey, we've got a rally to plan, and awareness to raise.
Now, who are my domesticated animals? Raise your hands.
Good. Who are my wild animals?
All right, is that everyone?
I don't know what group this is exactly, but I'd like to do a tribute to Hammy Ham, our class hamster.
of natural causes.
I like it. Very thoughtful. Molly, take a note.
Timmy, what group are you in?
I'm in no group. You have to be in a group.
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
Not if he's protesting.
What is he protesting?
Probably the anti-bear policy.
There's an anti-bear policy?
Absolutely, I've heard about it, too.
From who? Timmy.
Okay. Timmy, can you tell us about the anti-bear policy?
Listen, if you feel strongly about something, you have to speak out.
Right? Why do you think I'm here?
Because I like you? No. Definitely not.
It's because I want to teach you guys to make an impact on the world.
Because if you don't, we are collectively screwed. You got it?
Come on. Buddy, you gotta give me something.
All right, I'll take it.
All right, people, let's get up. Let's get to work! Got a lot to do.
Come on, get to your tables.
We've got two weeks to get this rally together, that's not a lot of time.
But that was a profound understatement. Time was running out.
I had to liberate the Failure Mobile from the bank, tonight.
And that meant sending my bear, who was often unreliable.
I told him to avoid well-lit places.
He did not listen.
I advised him to steer clear of any obvious entrance.
He did not listen.
And I urged him to avoid any distractions.
Once again, he did not listen.
But most importantly, I told him to approach the Failure Mobile with caution and the utmost delicacy.
But he was too fat.
Papa Bear. Papa Bear. We need to revise plan.
Bank ceiling will not support girth. Hey, Timmy.
How you doing, buddy?
What are you doing here?
Well, I was working in the area, I thought you might want a ride home.
A good detective always keeps his enemies close.
Sometimes, too close. How was school?
You have some fun?
Hey, do you like bear claws? Picked some up at the bakery today.
What now? His claws.
They've all been... clipped.
Oh, do you bowl? You ever been bowling?
I could take you bowling, give you some tips.
Hey, Timmy, you know, I know, it's weird I'm dating your mom.
It's weird that you want to give me tips on bowling.
I... I just want you to know though, that I... really like her.
She's so smart, and cool, and funny, and pretty.
I'm actually kinda surprised she likes spending time with me.
Not that I am a bad guy at all.
I'm not, I just got some stuff I'm working out.
Even been going to therapy, which is going great.
I just feel like people think because we issue tickets that meter maids don't care. But we do... care a lot.
About everything, I'm not robot.
Hmm. Actually, I've been thinking about robots a lot lately. About how they could take over everything.
You know, Timmy. When someone opens up like that... to you, like, then you can say something.
Like what? Oh, like, you know, "Thank you for sharing," something like that.
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, that's a normal thing to do.
Normal's for normal people. What does that mean?
It means you're normal. And my mother doesn't like normal people.
So, first of all, just so you know, I'm not that normal.
I'm a nice parking enforcement officer, which is rare.
And, secondly, what you said, that was kind of mean.
I've never been mean to you. Yes, you have.
You just kidnapped me for starters. Oh!
You dis... No, I didn't kidnap you, buddy.
No this isn't... I'm just taking you home from school.
You can get out any time you want.
I never forced you to...
Oh, no. Come on, buddy!
Having thwarted an attempted kidnapping, I sequestered myself in my office, to focus on the Jenkins case.
Hey. Hello, Mother.
Doing your homework, that's great.
Case work. New client.
So, I heard what happened today with Crispin.
Do you want to talk about it? Negative.
Timmy, I know it's not easy for you having someone new around, but I really like Crispin.
He's... he's a sweet guy and we have fun together.
Like yesterday, we just went for a drive. It was nice.
I hope you're not doing anything foolish.
No. No, no, I'm not. I'm... I promise.
Timmy, I got to talk to you about something else. It's important.
We gotta move, Timmy.
Impossible. No, it's not.
They're raising our rent again, and I just... I can't afford it.
What about my office?
You... Well, you'll have to make a new one.
I can't do that!
I have a very heavy case load, this is not a good time for me. But we don't have a choice.
And besides, I found a nice apartment nearby, and you can still walk to school.
What does school have to do with any of this?
I'm talking about my agency! Timmy, I know it's not easy...
I can't just move my business at the drop of a hat.
Not to mention, I'll have to make new business cards. These are useless.
I'm not moving. It's out of the question! Timmy.
Note to file, do not hire Mother. Unreliable.
No one but my bear understood the pressure I was under.
Not my mother... not my peers.
They all failed to realize the true value of my agency.
If they did, I would be spared such profoundly annoying disruptions.
Like moving. And class trips.
Failure. Hello, Mr. Crocus.
I want you to listen to me very carefully, I don't want any trouble from you today.
One misstep, and you're suspended.
No judge, no jury. No hope.
What does "capisce" mean? It means, understand?
I capisce you.
Hey, there it is! Look, the dam.
The Bonneville Lock and Dam is a national historic landmark.
Construction on it began in 1933.
These turbines generate 1200 megawatts of power.
That is enough electricity to power 900,000 homes... or a city the size of Portland.
Yes? Do you have security at this site?
Security? Yeah. Your bus stopped at our guard station on the way in.
Is that it? Well...
I'm afraid I can't discuss that too far in depth, for, well, security reasons.
Why is she so concerned with security?
My dad says his two fists are the only security we need.
My grandma bought a huge dog.
It can maul an intruder. Oh.
Have you heard about the purse snatchings?
I have, I saw it on the news.
Mouths shut! Or I'm putting you all on the bus back home.
Is that really an option? Not for you, Failure.
You're gonna stay here till I retire.
Another interesting fact about this dam is it was built during the Great Depression. Oh, no.
That was when people needed jobs...
She's executing the master plan.
Three, two, one.
I'm in the dark here, guys.
Rollo, I need help.
No, I quit. Leave me alone.
The Russians want to destroy our way of life.
They're gonna plunge us into darkness. I'm not worried about our way of life.
I'm worried about saving my grade.
Do this, and I promise to study.
Swear? Swear on my bear.
Let's go, let's go. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving.
Let's go. Mr. Crocus, I just wanted to say I find field trips like this to be very helpful in my development.
What's wrong with you? Nothing. I'm just being appreciative.
Well, if by appreciative you mean odd, then I agree. Now, go. Go.
Hey, kid. Stop right there!
Where is that runt?
There he is.
Where is she?
Where is Timmy? I don't know.
Papa Bear, Papa Bear. I've lost the target.
Request back up.
Do you copy?
Repeat. Do you copy?
That's a demerit.
That's a lot of doors.
I'm gonna kill him.
The target has entered the restricted area. I'm going in.
Failure! Get over here, you little rat.
I'm warning you.
If you go through that door, I guarantee you'll never make it to sixth grade.
For the love of...
Next time, I'm keeping him on a leash.
Failure, get back in here. Now. Can't. Stuck.
So, unstick it.
Still stuck. Take it off and leave it there.
It's one of a kind.
This is the final straw, Failure.
No more threats, no more detention.
I gave 43 years to this profession and I never quit on a single student.
But I'm quitting on you, did you hear me?
I am quitting on you, Failure.
This is Dan.
He's gonna open up the spillway and release a whole lot of water.
Cover your ears.
It's about to get very loud.
What's happening? I don't know!
Take off the scarf, take it off! Never!
We're going to die!
You ripped it! Go. Go. Go!
Here comes the water! Get down!
Why? 'Cause we're gonna get washed away!
What are you doing? Saving you.
We were two professionals, often at odds.
Now bound by adversity.
But we had made one miscalculation.
I think it's over, Mr. Crocus.
Are you all right, Mr. Crocus?
The aftermath of the operation was complicated.
First, they debriefed my mother on the Russian plot.
Then she debriefed her boss. Come on, I need this job, man.
But the operation was so top secret... that my mother didn't want to debrief me.
Until we got home.
You're suspended for three days, Timmy, three days.
They wanted to expel you.
If your counselor hadn't stepped in, then we'd be looking for a new school.
Are you listening to me? Of course.
But, shouldn't you be returning to work, Mother?
Yeah, I should. But I'm not. And do you wanna know why?
Because when I told my boss that I had to stay home and take care of you for the next three days, he told me not to bother coming in at all. He fired me.
I can pay you ten times what he's paying.
No, you can't. This... this has to stop.
You're going to middle school next year. No, I'm not.
I'm not going to middle school. I am moving my agency downtown.
We've talked about this.
You don't have an agency, Timmy. Not anymore.
What are you doing?
Something I should've done a long time ago.
I'm putting an end to all this pretending. I'm shutting it all down.
You have got to understand that there are consequences.
Hey! That's my official license. I need that.
I have open cases. No, you don't. You're a kid.
Kids don't have open cases.
I can't operate my agency without a license.
Exactly! You're gonna stop running your agency, you're gonna start acting like a normal kid.
And normal is for normal people, you told me that.
I was wrong! I was wrong, Timmy!
You have got to fit in, you've got to grow up.
Do you understand?
Affirmative. I didn't hear you!
And just like that...
I lost my agency.
That meant no more clients.
No more office.
No more house.
A man without his agency is like a turtle without his shell.
Stripped of his place...
and his purpose... destined for mediocrity.
Thus, I had no choice but to surrender to my fate.
The mindless monotony of the normal life.
Hey, Timmy. Welcome back, Timmy.
Where's your scarf? Hi, everyone.
Hi, Corrina. Hello.
Hi. Good morning, everyone.
So sorry I'm late. My alarm clock didn't go off.
Can you believe it?
Crocus is gone.
That’s his replacement. She said he's on vacation.
But I think it's because of what happened with you at the dam.
My dad said Crocus snapped.
Adding insult to injury, the loss of Fredrick Crocus.
A man I deeply admired.
Timmy, I'm home.
How was school? Good.
Got any homework?
I did it.
I'll get dinner ready then.
Timmy... everything’s gonna be all right.
I even found a new job.
The good news about Mother's new job should've lifted my spirits.
But as her employment fortunes rose... my continued to fall.
With no clients and no agency, I had no choice but to lay off my only employee.
So Total and I agreed to part ways as two professionals.
But sometimes, the professional can sure feel personal.
And being normal can sure feel lonely.
Not to mention puzzling.
Hi, Timmy, wanna buy cookies to support Animal Awareness?
I don't have any money.
Just take one. They're really good.
You gonna eat that cookie or just stare at it?
I'm not hungry.
I got your intel. It's very good.
But why'd you miss our meeting? I don't need to go anymore.
I'm being normal now.
So, what's the plan?
Go to middle school.
Act like them.
You can't be like them.
Because you're different.
That's right. Your life is big... and original, and weird, and you.
I don't have a choice.
I had to close the agency.
That's a bad break.
I suppose it had something to do with the dam, getting suspended.
Mistakes were made. By you.
You left that part out. Agency or no agency, you make a mistake, you own it.
Then you learn from it and adapt.
You see, professionals take whatever the world throws at them and they use it to become a better version of themselves.
Like I did when my car got stolen.
From right in front of my house. Sucked.
You should've contacted my agency.
I didn't know you then.
The point is, after the car got stolen I had no way to get to work.
But I love my work.
Like you. It's who I am.
So I adapted.
Started riding my bike to school.
Wasn't gonna let a stolen car stop me.
And I lost ten pounds from bike riding so... it's all good.
You lost ten pounds? Yes, I lost ten pounds.
So, I'm not gonna tell you how to run your business, okay?
But I do know, if you love what you do... you gotta fight for it.
And if something isn't working, you gotta adapt.
You do that, then no one can take away your agency. Not your mother, not Mr. Crocus.
Not going to middle school.
Enjoy your cookie.
And that's when it hit me.
Russians never quit.
And neither could I.
That meant I was going to need my partner.
But retrieving Total was a daunting task.
Which meant it was time to collaborate with local law enforcement.
Even if it was low level.
Stay safe out there, Roy.
Hello. Hey, Timmy.
You scared me. Everything all right?
Would I be standing here if it was?
No, guess not. Uh, is it about your mom?
Negative. About the zoo.
I need admission. It's urgent.
Hey, man, you can trust me. Really.
I'm a solid dude.
A Russian agent stole the Failure Mobile, so she could destroy my agency and achieve her master plan.
That forced me to part ways with my business partner.
I want him back.
And he's at the zoo? Correct.
He's a polar bear.
Are you serious?
Okay. Well, first of all, thank you for sharing.
I really appreciate it.
Second of all, that is awesome.
Here are your tickets. Please enjoy the zoo.
All right, where is the polar bear enclosure?
It is right here, but it's closed.
How come? Renovations.
Where are the polar bears? Utah. Hogle Zoo.
It's not absurd. It is, too.
You're absurd. Hey, hey.
Just right there, buddy.
He's just a kid, and he's really upset all right?
But he's a rude kid, so...
Well, he's just under the impression that his partner is at this zoo.
Let me get some clarity on that situation and we'll figure this out, all right?
Hang tight. Timmy...
Papa Bear, Papa Bear. Operation Extract is in full effect.
Papa Bear, it's time to come home.
Repeat, it's time to come home.
Last time I saw him, we were at the ticket booth.
He... he’s about this height, he’s got brown hair, he’s wearing shorts, a striped t-shirt and...
Timmy, are you okay? Affirmative.
Where did you go? To find my bear.
Ah, it's your mom calling. Throw it away, it might be tapped.
I'll call her back when we park.
And, Timmy, thanks for letting me help, man.
Really. It means a lot that you trusted me, I want you to know that.
Thank you for sharing.
He took my purse! Hey!
That was the purse snatcher.
I know. Shouldn't you stop him?
Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I guess I should, yeah, okay.
He went down that alley! Okay, okay. I got it!
There he goes. Okay, okay. I got it.
Wait here. Don't move.
Freeze, man. Who are you?
Police. You're a cop?
Parking enforcement. You're a meter maid.
Okay. Just hand over the purse, buddy.
Sure. Here you go. Thank you.
I really appreciate you doing the right thing here, man.
Thanks. But I am actually gonna do the wrong thing.
Get off me!
He needs backup.
What is your problem? No one likes a meter maid, dude.
I know. I'm trying to change that though by engaging in a...
No one cares!
Here we go. Hang on.
Here comes backup.
Prepare for impact!
Mistakes were made.
But not today.
Today, I would act like a professional.
A real professional.
And let local law enforcement do their job.
You, in the truck.
I can't get by.
Move you and your big, fat dog out of my way.
So I did.
And it hurt.
Timmy! Hi! Hi, are you okay? Tell me you're okay.
I'm okay. You're okay? Okay.
He's okay? He's okay and he's very lucky.
I'll give you two a moment. Okay. Thank you.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I came here as soon as Crispin called me.
Where's Crispin? Talking to the police.
We apprehended the purse snatcher. You did? That's good.
Oh, God! I'm just... I'm just happy that you're safe.
I thought that something...
I thought something bad had happened to you.
And they didn't... they didn't tell me what happened.
So, I... I didn't know...
Oh. God! I'm sorry.
You... you are?
Yes. I was just trying to get my agency back.
I need it.
Especially if I have to go to middle school.
I want you to have your agency back.
But you said... I know what I said.
I was upset, I made a mistake.
Yeah. I make... I make lots of them.
So do I.
Well... we are both going to do better.
Together, okay? Affirmative.
Note to file. Reconsider hiring Mom.
Hello. Geez. Hey!
Timmy! How are you doing, buddy?
I'm here on professional matters.
Rally for Animal Awareness Month. Right on!
I'll try to come. I could use the backup.
Hey, you know what? I stumbled upon something you might be interested in. It's...
It's Russia related.
My mother will be at the rally, for your information.
She still mad at me? Affirmative.
But the ice is breaking. Yeah. I really screwed up.
Mistakes were made. Yeah. Story of my life.
It was illegally parked.
Did you tell my mother? No.
I just saw it this morning during inventory.
How do you want to play it?
Note to file. Possible police collusion with the Russians.
The crimes were piling up. Gunnar's backpack, A dead hamster, and double-dealing cops.
But was I surprised? Negative.
After all, this was Portland.
Stumptown. A place rife with crime... corruption, and Russians.
Thank you to the Carverette Elementary Student Teacher Band.
And thank you all for being here today.
Our young activists worked very hard to put this all together.
And I'm damn proud of them.
And you should be, too.
Now, welcome our student organizer, Molly Moskins.
Where's Timmy? I don't see him.
Thank you. Or my Segway, for that matter.
Oh, yeah. Welcome, everyone.
We, the students of Carverette Elementary School, urge you to join us in celebrating the glory that is the animal world, in our commitment to wildlife conservation.
We dedicate this rally to our late class hamster, the beloved Hammy Ham.
May his soul rest in peace.
And now, please welcome to the stage, Timmy Failure.
There's Timmy. And he has your Segway.
Greetings, fellow humans.
Please be advised that this school has a "no polar bear" policy on campus.
That is not just.
I'm gonna kill him.
You're the one who told him to stand up and be heard.
A polar bear may be different. He may be lazy.
He may eat garbage and he may have a poor attitude.
But, he is also a vulnerable species and worth protecting.
For a polar bear is loyal, and noble, and capable of greatness.
In fact, all of the animals in this rally are capable of greatness.
Right on. Oh, he's so delicious.
So, it may be time for us to move on to middle school.
It may be time for us to adapt to a new way of life.
But it will never be time for us to stop being us.
You can tell that to our parents, you can tell that to our teachers, and you can tell that to the Russians.
God bless Carverette Elementary, God bless Portland, and God bless Fredrick Crocus!
It was a moment of unmitigated triumph.
I only wish that Fredrick Crocus, an educator unrivaled, could have been here to witness it.
But then I knew why he wasn't.
She was plotting more evil...
and we would be there to stop it.
There's a man who leads a life of danger To everyone he meets he stays a stranger With every move he makes Another chance he takes Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow Secret agent man, secret agent man They've given you a number And taken away your name
Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind Ah, be careful what you say Or you'll give yourself away Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow Secret agent man, secret agent man They've given you a number And taken away your name
Secret agent man, secret agent man They've given you a number And taken away your name
Swingin' on the Riviera one day And then layin' in the Bombay alley Next day Oh no, you let the wrong word slip While kissing persuasive lips The odds are you won't live To see tomorrow Secret agent man, secret agent man They've given you a number And taken away your name
Secret agent man