Tom and Jerry Blast Off to Mars! (2005) Script

[THUDDING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]


[SIZZLING]


[SQUEAKING]

[DISH WASHER RUNNING]


Ah!

Mmm.


Ah...


[CLATTERING AND WHIRRING]


[CRYING]

[HONKING]

This is our masterpiece.

It brings a tear to my eye.

[BUZZING]

Huh?

[GASPING]

Ah... Ah...

[SCREAMING]

Vandals!

Let's get them!


That hurt.


[CRASHING]


Ladies and gentlemen of the press... welcome to the International Space Place.

[CROWD CLAPPING WEAKLY]

We at the Space Place are proud to announce today... that the long-awaited mission to Mars mission is ready to be launched.

We intend to prove positively... that there is no life on the planet Mars.

As you are all certainly aware, a mission of this expense is very expensive.

We wouldn't shoot two knuckleheads up there to try and hit Mars.

No, sir. Hours of serious thought have gone into this undertaking.

And now let me introduce our intrepid space travelers... the only men we could find that were bold enough to overlook... certain shortcomings and volunteer for this first-ever... manned mission to Mars.

I give you Majors Biff Buzzard and Buzz Blister.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]


BUZZ: Ladies and gentlemen... the myth of little green men will soon be put to rest.

[CROWD GASPING AND CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Ah! Little green men!

[SCREAMING]

Aliens. Real aliens.

Hello.

Welcome to Earth.

We hope you have come in peace.

Hey, wait a minute. They aren't aliens.

Hey. You're right!

It's a cat.

And a mouse.

BRISTLE: Get them!

Huh? GLUCKMAN: Uh...

BRISTLE: Get them!


Now, watch as I simply add a single drop of water... to this powdered pizza dinner, and:

Delicious. Just like Mom tried to make.

Get the stuff loaded onto the rocket immediately.


[SCREAMING]

[BELL RINGING]

What is going on here?

Well, sir, these here dehydrated dinners... exploded, and we don't really know why.

Well, obviously, they've been rehydrated.

Yes. Well, sir, as near as we can tell, the dinners got wet.

Yes, that's what rehydrated means!

Okay? And got wet real fast.

And then it just sort of went, well, kablooey.

Look. Things just don't go kablooey on their own.

Things go kablooey for a reason.

There has to be a reason for things going kablooey. Find that reason.

Or, gentlemen, you will go kablooey!

Yes, sir!

Hey, a mouse!

Mouse in the house!

Get him! Catch him!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

I don't want to go kablooey...

A mouse! Commander, we have a mouse in the house!

Yes, we know, doctor.

Perhaps that pussycat can be of use to us.

Science has shown that cats harbor an instinctive dislike for mice... and rodents in general.

Good thinking, Dr. Gluckman.

Gentlemen, we need to get that pussycat back.

GLUCKMAN: Perhaps this rehydrated fish can be of use, sir.

Okay, shh, now, Earl, don't scare him off.

Just take it slow. Take it slow.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Grab him.

We have a job for you, Mr. Pussycat.

Yeah, this is your big day.

Mr. Pussycat, with this job comes an awesome responsibility.

Are you up to it?

We have a mouse. And it's up to you, Mr. Pussycat, to...

eliminate him.

Do it for Earth, my boy... Uh, pussycat.

Do it for the greater good. Do it for science.


[WHISTLING]


What was that? I don't know.

Maybe one of the guys dropped a wrench.

Boy, this is gonna be the easiest 20 bucks we've ever made.

Imagine anyone thinking that there's such a thing as Martians.

Well, I wouldn't be scared if we, you know, met up with some real Martians.

Well, I wouldn't either.

[SCREAMING]

Okay, men, we are just about ready to begin countdown.

Everything all set, up there?

Yes, sir. Roger that.

Prepare ignition procedure.

I have to go to the little astronauts' room.

You should have gone before we...

BIFF: My kidney weighs 20 pounds.

BUZZ: How many times do I have to tell you?

Okay, you two, knock it off.

- This is serious. No, for real, I have to go.

COMPUTER: Eight, seven, six, five...

Blast off!

Whew!


All systems go on our end.

BUZZ: All systems go here as well.

BIFF: We are ready to jettison first-stage rocket on your command, commander.

[CHUCKLING]

I love this part.

You are clear to jettison initial stage.

Whew.


[PANTING]

This is a breeze, Buzz.

All systems are go.

Congratulations, gentlemen, you are now leaving Earth's atmosphere.

Zero gravity should commence right about... flow!


It's an air leak.

Radiation shields up. Planetary arbitration disks online.

Backup marine velocity centrometer.

Repositioning flap cables. Ion gauges tour-ready...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Back up.

It's the window in the second stage. It's broken.

Quick. Shut the emergency hatch.

[SCREECHES]

Boy, that was a close one.

Too close. Should I engage the artificial gravity now?

Sure. All this floating around makes me nauseous.

[HONK$]


[ALARM WAILING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN]

[GLUCKMAN CLEARS THROAT]

Sir, somehow the rocket's trajectory has been discombobulated.

Discombobulated.

If it isn't corrected, the rocket will crash into the sun and be vaporized.

I don't think the men will like this. Maybe we can put it to them nicely.

[ALARM WAILING]

Hey, aren't we supposed to be heading for the big red dot?

Hey, yeah. Something's wrong.

Yeah, I'll say.

[PHONE RINGING]

Uh, hello, boys.

Hi, commander. Hi, commander.

Listen, I don't want to alarm you fellas... but we have a teensy-weensy little problem.

It seems that the trajectory of the rocket has gone a little bit...

Well, a little bit funny.

BOTH: Funny? - Yes, that's right, funny.

And it seems that if it's not corrected... you two will crash into the sun and you will be vaporized.

You mean, we're gonna crash?

That doesn't sound very funny to me.

And me without my sunblock.

One of you will have to go outside the ship... open the fuse box and, well...

Jiggle the wire on the thingy!

You mean that antenna thingy, sir'?

Yes, that's it, the antenna thingy.

[GRUNTING]

Uh, rock beats a laser gun, right?

No. No, it doesn't.

Well, you win. You're just too good, Biff. You always win.

Well, then, out you go. Right. That'll teach you.

Hey, wait a minute. BUZZ: Come on, man, hurry up.

I don't wanna crash into the sun.

BIFF: I'm hurrying.

[WHIRRING]

[ALARM BUZZING]

Uh-oh.

BIFF: What's "uh-oh" mean?

Somehow, we're going to light speed.

BIFF: Open this...

Mother of pearl!

Can't reach lever.

BIFF: Make it stop!

Mommy!

[SCREAMING]

[MEOWING]

[BIFF SCREAMING]

[BANGING]

[GRUNTING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Well, men, there she is.

What? Mars.

- Where? The big red thing underneath you.

Oh, that. Yes, wow. Oh, that. Yes, wow.

Yes, "wow" is right. So the big moment is here, everybody.

Okay, prepare the lander.

You know, maybe we should wait a minute or two.

Yeah, you know, just to sort of get used to this.

- Yeah. Get in that lander, you knuckleheads!

Or we might just decide to leave you up there.


BUZZ: Well, here we are, Biff.

The first men on Mars.

BIFF: Well, we're not exactly on Mars yet.

BUZZ: No, but we will be, in a second.

BIFF: This doesn't look anything like the Mars we see in movies.

BUZZ: Yes, chum, this is nothing like the angry red planet.

BIFF: I don't see any monsters.

I was looking forward to battling monsters.

BUZZ: This is more boring than shopping with your wife.

BIFF: Doesn't look like much, does it?

BUZZ: Just as we thought, a completely lifeless hulk.

BIFF: So who wants to be the first man on Mars, you?

BUZZ: Whoa...

BIFF: Congratulations.

BUZZ: Very funny.

[SCREECHING]


BIFF: Astonishing. Zillions of dollars spent.

Massive amounts of research and training.

All geared toward answering man's most compelling of questions:

Are we alone?

[BEEPING]

BUZZ: Well, sort of looks like it, for the moment, anyway.

BIFF: No. I mean, is humanity alone, here, among the vastness of space?

Are we to find other life amongst this inconceivable immensity of galaxies... and clusters of galaxies and clusters of clusters which are speeding apart... into the ever-expanding distance? Is mankind all there is?

And what is man really, Buzz?

BUZZ: Um...

BIFF: I'll tell you. We are a recently developed scurf on the epidermis... of one of the satellites of a star in the arm... of an average galaxy, amidst the lesser clusters... among the thousands catapulting apart, which took form... some 15 billion years ago as a consequence... of an inconceivable preternatural event.

BUZZ: Right.

I don't see a thing, if that's what you mean.

BIFF: Nope. Guess that answers that question. Let's hit it.


[THUDDING]


[SQUEAKING]


[GUN COCKS]

[GROWLING]

Ubu! No!

[UBU WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMING]

It's very rude to point laser guns at strangers.

[CLICKING]

Peep, what have you found?

What do you make of this strange creature, Grob?

Hmm. Doesn't look like he's from around here.

He might taste good.

True. In the right sauce, he might make a fine main course... for His Royal Martian Majesty.

No, you fools. Look closer.

Does he not resemble the figure from the ancient scrolls?

Great bouncing Squitsnarfuls, Grob is right.

He looks just like the Great Gloop. You know, the brave Skweep Squeezer... from Planus Nine.

The one of who it is said will bring great wisdom to our people.

[SNIFFS]

Uh, I don't think so. I think he's just a cute alien.

If he is, that means the ancient prophecies are right.

What joy...

At last, the Great Gloop has come.

If so, we must take him back to the palace and pay homage to him.

Um... Yeah, okay. I'm not exactly certain he's...

All hail the Great Gloop!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

We must bring him to King Thingg.

And so we shall.

We must move quickly.

Soon the Martian desert will be crawling with Pootsnarfuls... and many other unsavory creatures of night. It will not be safe.

Come. We have gone too far. We have time to lose.

I mean, come, we have far to go, we have no time to lose.

That's better.

Oh, "smegnar." I always mess that up.

[SCREECHING]

[ALL GASPING]

[PEEP SCREAMING]

A Pootsnarfull After it!

It has the Great Gloop and Peep! We must save them!


Careful! Do not shoot! You may hit Peep or the Great Gloop.

Well, what should we do?

[CACKLING]

Ow!

PEEP: Ow! Ow! Ow!

PEEP: Oh!

You saved me.

Sorry about that, Great Gloop.

Behold, Great Gloop... our fair Martian city, Toledo.

MARTIAN: Who goes there? Friend...

...or not a friend? Friend.

It is I, Grob. I have great news for His Highness, King Thingg... and must have an immediate audience.

[MARTIANS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MARTIANS GIGGLING]

ATTENDANT: My favorite Martians...

I present to you his supreme majesty... the imperious ruler of the red planet... keeper of the Squink-diddlies of Sprong... holder of the scepter of Fleebis, and all-around swell guy...

King Thingg!

[TRUMPETING]

King Thingg!

[SCREAMS AND GASPS]

Oh. Oh!

KING: Workman's comp...

I've fallen, and I can't rule.

Make it stop. Make it stop. Ow!

Must put in elevator.

My crown...

[SCREAMING]

Bruising. Bruise. Painful. Broken bones.

I meant to do that.

I believe him to be the Great Gloop... the one spoken of in the ancient scrolls.

You are correct, Grob. It is he, the Great Gloop.

The Great Gloop has returned to us.

[CHEERING]

At last! What a great day.

Let the celebration begin.

[CHIRPING]

[SQUEAKING AND SCREAMING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]


[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

In exchange for the infinite wisdom you will bring to us... we offer you these gifts.

Sire...

How dare you interrupt the royal feast.

I'm sorry, sire, but a giant has infiltrated the walls of the city.

Is this a joke? There are no such things as giants!

A giant!

[YELPING]

[PEEP GIGGLING]


[CROWD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Fellow Martians!

Because this fuzzy giant monster has made a shambles... of our lovely city, he will be dumped in the hole with Ted... the flesh-eating lava-dweller.

The Great Gloop will be given the honor of pulling the lever... sending this destructive and fuzzy giant to his doom.

You may pull this when ready, Great Gloop.

Just give it a pull. Wait. Hold it. Stop.

This is not the Great Gloop.

He is an impostor.

What do you mean?

They are aliens.

From... From Earth.

ALL: Earth? Earthlings?

Aliens.

Nonsense! There is no life on Earth. Is there?

Apparently so, my king.

You see, a spacecraft was detected on our scopes earlier.

It landed, and stayed only long enough to drop these two invaders off.

[GASPING]

They must be the first wave of an invasion.

One pretends to be the Great Gloop, and the other destroys our city.

So try to take over Mars, will you...

Earthling?


[SNARLING]


GUARD: They're getting away.

Peep is a traitor. She helped the invaders escape.

PEEP: Okay. That's all right.

You're welcome. No, that's...

That's okay... Okay, you're welcome. Okay.

Look, I know my people are going to plan an invasion of your planet in retaliation.

We have to get you back there so you can warn them.

We'll have to sneak back to the city and steal a saucer.

Can either of you pilot a flying saucer?

Well, that figures. Okay, come on.

We'd better hurry. Follow me.

Today, we invade Earth.

Prepare the saucers.

We've got to get into one of those saucers.

MARTIAN [ON SPEAKER]: All pilots report to your saucers and liftoff.

Our target, Earth!

Okay, boys, this is it. The fate of your home planet is at stake.

There's our saucer. Let's go.

[SHOUTING]

PEEP: Uh-oh.

[GASPS]

[KING STUTTERING]

Close the hatch. We gotta get out of here fast.

Press that one.

No, not that...

[CHIMING]

Oh, launch the lnvince-a-tron.

Get that thing fixed!

BUZZ: Mission control, this is Mars One.

We are entering the atmosphere now.

Well, men, they should be landing any second.

[CHEERING]

BIFF: You guys need a maid.

[BEEPING]

What's that noise?

Oh, an asteroid field.

An asteroid field?!

Remind me never to let you drive again.


MARTIAN: Okay.

[ENGINE STARTING]

Well, it's about time, general.

Come on!

And so, ladies and gentlemen of the press, without further delay...

I give you Buzz Blister and Biff Buzzard... the brave astronauts who made this mission the success that it was.

Gentlemen?

[CLAPPING WEAKLY]

So is there life on Mars?

Say, do we have to worry about an invasion... of extraterrestrial alien Martians from outer space?

I'm here to tell you all, my inquisitive friends... once and for all, there is absolutely... unequivocally, no life on Mars.

Martians?!

Say, these are tiny.

Huh? He's right. Look, it's like a toy.

[CHUCKLING]

What could this little thing possibly do to a big, strong astronaut like me?

All we need are some fly swatters to combat this alien menace.

Say, they're kind of cute.

Biff! Speak to me, chum.

No!

Come on, Gluckman! You're a scientist. What do we do?

I... I don't know.

This is unprecedented.

Come on, use that brain of yours, you worthless egghead!

[CROWD SCREAMING]

MARTIAN: Earthlings!

Is this thing on?

Earthlings, we are taking over your planet.

Right. Now, listen up.

We Martians are in charge now, and...

Get that saucer's number.

But who? Why?

What?

BRISTLE: Hey.

It's that crazy pussycat. GLUCKMAN: And he caught the mouse.

Two mice.

Wait a minute. She's one of them!

Reintegrate them with this.

Trust me.

Ah!

BIFF: Mmm. Biff! They've saved us.

So they did. Maybe Martians aren't so bad after all.

[CHEERING]


[SCREAMING]

It's the lnvince-a-tron!

It's using its vacuum. Quick, back to the saucer!

Wait. Don't leave us here.

GLUCKMAN: Stop! Wait for us!

We'll press charges, you Martian menace!


Thanks.

Now, let's head right for him!


Ready?

Here we go!


Ah.


[GRUNTING AND GASPING]

[PEEP SCREAMING]

[WHISTLES]


I'm alive! I'm a...


[BELCHING AND SOBBING]

Mr. Pussycat, Mr. Mouse and Miss Martian... how can we ever repay you?

The entire planet owes you a debt of gratitude.

If not for your ultra-neato strategy and "braverosity"...

You know what I mean. All would have been lost.

Okay, on behalf of all of these people on Earth, I thank you.

Here's a Hummer.

[THUDDING]

Hey, need a lift?


You and your big mouth. Yeah?

How'd you like a free trip to Mars?

I already had one, thanks!