Tom of Finland (2017) Script

That wasn't so bad. We'll wait for the next one.

Good bye, Laaksonen. Good bye.

Good evening.

Come here.

Aircraft warning! Fire! 13:00.

Bomber, 30:00. Two guns. Fire!



You can call me Heikki.

Touko Laaksonen. Touko.

Thank you.

Do you have dreams, Touko?

I don't know about that.

What would you like to do when the war is over?

I mean, besides taking walks in the park.

Play the piano.

And draw. An artist.

Well... Louvre.

Laaksonen among the great masters there?

No one from my hometown has even been to Paris.

You'll have a big opening party. You'll invite me.

I'll tell everyone I know you.

You have to have dreams in life.

The Eastern Front is breaking down. We'll be transferred there.

There are too many Russians. Way too many.

I'll tell the boys they have to have dreams...

...and think about winning.


Sir. Heikki.

You can keep it.

Let's go.

Good morning. Morning.

I talked to my boss.

He promised you can give it a try at our company.

How come? I showed him your work.

That landscape you painted for Dad.

Your boss will change his mind when he sees me.

C'mon. We need money.

Your veteran discount isn't helping that much.

Do you even know how much cheese costs on the black market?

Alrighty. You're feeling better, huh?

You're looking like yourself again. Am I?

Well, at least you vaguely resemble my brother.

I got a straight line. What straight line?

I marked the obituaries of all my friends who said they'd quit smoking.

Born in 1921, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1925.

Brother, dear, the war is over.

Damn it, a Russky.

Touko. Touko.

I'm here. Everything's OK.

Everything's OK.

Everything's OK.

Everything's OK. Everything's OK.

Why wouldn't everything be OK?

Give it to me.

You have to find someone you can share your life with.

Someone who'll look after you. Someone special.

I had someone in the war.

Wow. What happened?

Well, what usually happens in war.

From the women's auxiliary corps? No.

You're totally confused.

It's the war. It made you like that. But it'll pass.

You just have to work and meet people.

A lot of girls would want a handsome officer like you.

You got that medal because you fought bravely, right?

I guess so. Pull yourself together. Enjoy life.

Good night.

Good night.

He's a faggot!

Get out or I'll call the police!

You need to know how to behave here.

I'll ban you for a month. Minimum.

Ban me for life while you're at it.

Thanks, honey.

What's your name? Nipa.

You want to see something? I'd rather do something.


May I keep this?

Stop! Police!

Stop! Stop!


Police! Stop in the name of the law!

You, over there! Stop.

Police! I got one of them.

Stay where you are. Police!

Who is this fellow? Good evening. What's happening?

We're clearing the park of criminals.

Why do you have to do that? For the Olympics.

Are you interested in javelin, pole-vaulting, or perhaps wrestling? Javelin.

Good. Then hurry up before the spear throwers are here.

Yes, we'll do our best.

And your name is? Get in the car.


Did you sleep well? Fantastically. You?

Fantastically. Great.

All right, let's go.

Laaksonen, I can't take this to a client.

Do something.

Excuse me.

Can you come with me? It'll take just a moment.

Please sit on the couch.

Maria, could you come here for a moment?

A moment, please.


Make eye contact. No, not with me. With Maria.

Good. Pretend it's morning.

The first morning after you've been... intimate.

Think about naughty things.

That's it. Think about what it feels like to touch each other.

That's it. Gabriel, think a little harder.

Touch her in a way that shows the electricity between you.


Guess what? W hat?

The boss said he's happy with you. That's great.

What are you doing? Working. Working.

I'm promoting the consumption of useless things by unethical means.

Ha-ha. Let me see.

No. Are you afraid I will laugh at you?

No, no, no. I promise.

Well? No, no.


Sit down.



C'mon. You have a beautiful face. No, I don't.

Yes, you do. Hmm.


Well? All right.

I don't know if I want to see it.

I don't look like that. I think you do.

I'm not that beautiful. Yes, you are.

Those legs.

You never learned how to draw legs. Those look like sticks.

Let me show you how. Give me that block.


Thank you. You're welcome.

Be careful or you'll pop a vein.

Ten seconds. No, no, no.

One... No!

Two, three, now. Now!

You're unbelievably good. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I've been thinking that...

...some day I might like to have my own exhibition.

Why some day? Why not tomorrow? No.

How can you be an artist if nobody sees your work? Nobody wants to see it.

And look who's talking. You won't even show yours to me.

Passports, please! Passports, please.

Thank you.


Passport, please. Passport, please.

Hello, handsome.

Don't go. You want something?

Are you lost?

How is the pheasant hunt going?

You might want to ask him.

English or German?

Are you leaving?

Name three streets that intersect with Runeberginkatu Street in Helsinki.

Apollonkatu, Hesperiankatu and Topeliuksenkatu Street.

You grew up in Kaarina. Why don't you speak the dialect?

My parents were teachers. This is how we spoke at home.

Why did you have a strange man in your hotel room?

A man, you say, stole your passport and wallet.

We talked about pheasant hunting.

Is this yours?

It was found in your room.

Well, I'll return to Finland.

Based on your answers, I can't confirm you're Finnish.

In German eyes, you're either a spy or a criminal.

But I know what you are.

I'll report to Consul Alijoki that the man arrested by the German police is not Finnish.

I'll let these gentlemen interrogate you. That's it.


What? Heikki Tapio Alijoki.

Captain Heikki Alijoki.

From the Helsinki Coastal Artillery, during the war.

What about him? I know him.

May I speak to him? About what?

Pheasant hunting.

Do you know this man? No.

I'm Lieutenant Laaksonen.

We fought together in Tahtitorninmaiki Hill Park.

We had a number of close calls.

There were no battles in Tahtitorninmaiki Hill Park.

I meant the air battles over Helsinki.

We served together. I sewed under you.

I see. I see.

Can we speak in private for a moment?

Of course.

Is this some trap?

Are you trying to trap me? I'm the one who's trapped.

How did you know I was here? I didn't.

Your name was mentioned.

I see. I see.

We know each other. We're both... You can't say it.

We're both officers.

This is ridiculous. Much ado about nothing.

You're asking for trouble with pictures like these.

It's just a piece of paper.

A dirty picture someone drew for fun.

It's not just a piece of paper.

It's an atomic bomb. You could go to prison for that.

The police will search your house and interrogate your family and colleagues.

I don't care what happens to me, but my family...

Can you help me? No.

How about you swear on your officer's honour that you've never done anything dishonourable?


Laaksonen is a Finnish officer.

He would like to say something.

Yes. I would like to thank you.


I haven't done anything wrong.

We always want to help Finland.

I consider this case closed.

Thank you.

Mr Laaksonen, my wife and I'd like to invite you over for dinner in Helsinki some day.

You're married? Of course I am.

But I do sometimes invite special friends over to play poker...

...when I'm in Helsinki.

You could join us.

But you have to keep quiet about it.

Artists are always welcome. Thank you.

My wife is actually very understanding.


Did you have a good time in Berlin? Did you bring me a gift?

The customs officials took it.

What are you wearing? I have a new hobby.

What? You told me to have fun and live.

Our new tenant is coming over.

A religious girl from the countryside?

You don't have to stand up. Touko Laaksonen, Kaija's brother.

Veli. My name is Veli Maikinen.

You may also call me Nipa.

You have a beautiful apartment.

Where did you find this? Our landlady is a war widow.

We've met before. You're mistaken.

Would you like to see your room? Yes. Please.

Touko. You're here too? Yes. I like dancing.

You like dancing? Yes. I have a season ticket.

Don't you have a deadline tomorrow? I finished the campaign already.

Oh. What's the slogan?

"Yum-yum, chocolate is delicious."

It doesn't sound like you finished it. Well...

Could you get us some champagne? Sure.

Would you like a glass? Yes, please.

Your solo. I have to...

I forgot my wallet at home.

How did you pay for the ticket? The season ticket!

Can you go get the champagne? I'll pay you back.

Sure. Thank you.

We've met. If we have, I was drunk.

Here we go. Thank you.

Thank you for inviting me here. Thank you for coming.

Cheers. Cheers.

My own projects rarely materialise. Take my writings, for example.

All the publishers refused to publish them.

Finland is not ready. You know how it is in this country.

Jalle said to me it's a great thing to be a good ad man.

And I am. And you, Touko, also are a good ad man.

That's why you're our art director.

Congratulations. I almost forgot. Thanks.

Oh, you're interested in motorcycles? Yes.

I wish I could ride one like that.

It would be great to go for a ride. Oh, yes.

Gentlemen, why don't we take a photo?

Work the camera. Grab the handle.

Here? Yes.

Imagine it's the source of power.

Touko, join us!

It's a children's game. In God's eyes, we are all children.

C'mon, Touko. Touko, Touko, Touko!

Are you a virgin? No.

Touko. Truth or dare?

Choose truth. Truth.


Kiss Heidi.

Kiss her!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

All right, I think it's my turn.

Whoa. It's pointing at Kaija.

Truth or dare?

Truth. That is, dare. Uh...

Kiss Heidi. Dear Touko, it's illegal.

C'mon, go ahead.

Almost, Kaija. Almost.

During the war, there were blackouts in Helsinki.

You might be too young to remember that.

There was electricity in the air.

Bombers flew over the city. People met strangers.

It was so dark, we had to grope each other to find out who was who.

Hi, Dad. My son.

Hi. Lovely to see you.

Welcome. Nipa. Thank you.


Where's my godson, Aaro? Have you eaten him?

What? Come!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Here I come!

I saw you!

I loved coming here as a child.

What did you do here?

I shined my boots.

In the old days, people believed that if an unmarried woman rolled in a hayfield on Midsummer Night, she'd see her future husband on the surface of a pond.

The hayfield on the island behind us is a perfect place for that.

How do the midsummer love spells work?

On Midsummer Night, the sun doesn't go down at all, so men can't hide. Your dad tried to hide...

I tried to hide? Morn is pulling your leg.

I would destroy everything. Your family and...

No, you wouldn't.

I'm evil. I'm ruined. No, you're not.

All right. Good evening.

Touko. Everyone should see your drawings.

Yes? Poker.


He is handsome. And waiting for you. Go.



Honey. There's someone at the door.

Shit, it's the cops!

Get out from the balcony. Take all the stuff with you.

Heikki, let's go. No.

I'll stay and hold them off. You go.

- Go. Go. Police! Open the door!


Open the door or we'll break it down.

Police! Open the door!

Hey! Not there. This way!

We should throw parties like that.

Kaija might find it hard to swallow.

I'd like us to have an apartment together.

Big windows with light-yellow curtains.

Only sissies like yellow.

I'd like the curtains to be open when we dance with friends.

Where would we get the money for it? Sell your works.

Where? Internationally.

Internationally, maybe. In Finland, never.

We'll get an apartment. And throw my little sister out?

Yes, your little sister, who's only 30!

Don't build castles in the air.

I want you to hold my hand in broad daylight.

I want the curtains to be open.

Nice idea, but totally unrealistic. Wanna make a bet?

For a bottle of whisky. Deal.

You practically lost already. You know what? You're a sissy.


No wonder we lost the war with a faggot like you running after the cannons.

I'm tired of fighting. I fought my battles.

I'm no freedom fighter.

Oh, you're just a cock artist who wants to fuck and have fun!

Only sissies like yellow.

They almost didn't let me in.

I told them I'm your brother.

The treatment here is good.


I need help.

You need help mixing gin and tonics.

I can help you with that. You can also be cured.

Except that I'm not sick. And you're not either.

I'll be cured, and we'll have children.

Come with me. Let's get out of here.

Did you hear we started a club?

A motorcycle club.

Without motorcycles.

Touko. Thanks for coming.

But I want to be cured.

I lost my job. I don't want to lose the rest of what I have.


Goodbye, my friend.



I saw the article.

Poor Heikki.

What can we do?

Hi. What terrible weather again.

You have mail from America.

Your work is on the cover again.

There's also a letter from that Doug. Hmm.

Your number one fan... What does he write?

They want me to travel there.

They want to have a small exhibition. Or a couple of them.

He wants to help me.

America? Yes.


You know what? I could fall in love with a successful man like you.

Be careful. You might end up in trouble.

Kaija. Is dinner ready?

Not yet.

Good evening. Evening. I'm terribly hungry.

You're always on time. Yeah.

I knew it. It's awfully messy here.

You're two dirty little boys. Should I clean here real quick?

You should hire a cleaning lady.

Are you having a party? You want a glass?

It's not even six o'clock. It's good to be early, darling.

What are you celebrating? Life. The joy of living.

And us going to America.


That's none of my business. It's your guy stuff.

Here we go. A little dip? I don't know about that.

Oh, dear. I'm gonna pee my pants.

These are sexy. You'll look good in these.

You should go see a doctor.

I already did. It'll go away. Nothing to worry about.

Was he sure? Oh, yes. Absolutely sure.

Conquer America for me.

Which one? Pack both. Always take both.

Come with me.

Next time.

Next time.

Welcome, sir. Thank you.

Hello. Hi.

16 marks, please.

Thank you.

Good evening.

You still have that cough? Yeah.

Kake made it to America. He sure did.

Were there beautiful guys in America? Yup.

The kind you always drew? Your men? Yes.

You had many? A couple.

But none of them were as smart and elegant and sexy as this one dancer I know.

Did everybody sweet-talk like you? Yes.

I'm ill.

The world's best doctors are in Los Angeles.

For them, throat cancer is like curing the flu.

We could get a house with a garden. We could have parrots.

Parrots sound good.

It's always warm there. And the sea is sparkling blue.

Almost everyone is like us in California.

Sometimes heteros are bullied and harassed, and I have to intervene and say, "They also have a right to exist and live their life the way they want to."

You're so noble.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to see me dying.

There's nothing I want to see more than... I mean...

That's OK.

Let's make you underwear with this. This?

This might feel good. At least you could see through it.

Good evening. We'd like to have curtains made.

How long?

2.70 metres? 2.70 metres.

2.70 metres.

Only sissies like yellow.

Well, well.

You owe me a bottle of whisky. Oh.

I owe you more than that.

Do you want me to sew rings on these?

I do. You want these kinds of rings?

I do.

Make sure everyone knows we exist.

Promise me?

I do.


You've started using the elevator. Nonsense.

Elevators are for old people.

How have you been? Great.

I miss Nipa every day.

All right.

Show me your new ones.

I don't know if these are any good.

You'll find out soon.


You've made tremendous progress. Have I?

You have.

This is good.

This is my favourite.

Have an exhibition. No.

They're horrible. Nonsense.

They are. Look at them. You're just saying they're good.

We never became real artists. You and me.

We didn't? Apparently not.

Shall we clean here? You're not throwing this away, are you?

Nipa loved this book.

I think it's my turn.

I see.

People appreciate me.

Where are you showing these? Around the world.

These dick drawings? People like them.


I'm glad you use that funny pseudonym, so that you don't stain our family's reputation.

Dirty, cheap sex magazines.

Where's the vacuum cleaner?

You could've signed my exhibition guestbook.

Kaija, the phone.

Touko Laaksonen.

Should I cook something for you?

I'm on the phone.

You don't have to. I'll eat out.

They're calling from America.

We're going to lose this war.

We're going to die.

Right, sir?


You're a tenor, right?

Lahtinen, you're also a tenor, right?

You're a bass, right? Yes, sir.

Hear our song echoing Hear the kantele beckoning This is Finland's song This is Finland's song Listen to the pine trees sighing Listen to the white waters roaring This is Finland's song This is Finland's song