Tomcats (2001) Script

[THE OFFSPRING'S "WANT YOU BAD" PLAYS]

♪ If you could only read my mind ♪

♪ You would know That things between us ♪

♪ Ain't right ♪

♪ I know your arms are open wide ♪

♪ But you're a little On the straight side ♪

♪ I can't lie ♪

♪ Your one vice Is you're too nice ♪

♪ Come around now Can you see? ♪

♪ I want you All tattooed ♪

♪ I want you bad ♪

♪ Complete me Mistreat me ♪

♪ I want you to be Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad ♪

♪ If you could only read my mind ♪

♪ You would know That I've been waiting ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ For someone almost just like you ♪

♪ But with attitude I've waited ♪

♪ So come on ♪

♪ Get out at close time Pull out those highlights ♪

♪ Come around now Can you see? ♪

♪ I want you In a vinyl suit ♪

♪ I want you bad ♪

♪ Complicated X-rated ♪

♪ I want you Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad ♪

♪ Bad ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

♪ I mean it I need it ♪

♪ I want you Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad ♪

♪ Bad ♪

♪ Really, really bad ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

MICHAEL: Whoo! Is this such a good idea?

Is marriage a good idea? Because marriage is huge.

I am having trouble breathing.

I am having trouble catching my breath.

Would you relax? How could I possibly relax?

Because it's my wedding.

MICHAEL: That's Max. Only 19 years old and is getting married to the only girl he's ever had sex with.

[PANTING]

That day I promised myself, I'd stay single forever.

Gimshins.

MICHAEL: Granted, Kimberly was gorgeous.

What's the holdup? Your groom isn't quite out yet.

Well, fix it, Daddy! Unh!

MICHAEL: I guess Max didn't see her quite the way I did.

Make him behave!

It will be perfect. I promise.

MICHAEL: Kimberly's father helped invent a very special pill.

Now, Viagra beat him to the market, but his pill was just as good.

It could turn this into this.

There's enough to give an elephant a boner.

You are so bad. Your own sister's wedding?

Please. She's gonna love it.

I'll put it on the gift table. They'll take it on the honeymoon.

He'll have a three-day boner. KELLY: Ha-ha.

Oh, yeah! I love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning.

MICHAEL: My best friend, Kyle. If this is your average brain, this is Kyle's brain.

Anyway, the wedding was about to get especially hard.

I propose a toast. Yes. To Max!

MEN: To Max. First tomcat to take the plunge.

Thanks, guys.

MEN: May it never happen to us!

[ALL LAUGH]

Ah. There you go, buddy.

Dude.

Heh. Dude.

Dude.

This is the best wine ever.

What the hell is going on? Everybody's waiting out there.

What is up with you?

Holy Mary, Mother of God.

You boys must really like weddings.

Get out there. Everybody's waiting.

[ORGAN PLAYING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

[ALL MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Don't move.

MICHAEL: Here we go, here we go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You may all be seated.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Turn around. We can't.

MICHAEL: Here we go.

[♪♪♪]

[GIGGLING]

Don't they look handsome in their tuxedos?

MICHAEL: I cannot believe that Max actually went through with it.

It's a goddamn shame.

I am hereby dedicating myself to a life as a professional tomcat.

Professional tomcat, right on.

KYLE: Yeah, man. Forget marriage.

I'll nail every woman on the planet.

Every one? Except my mother and grandmother.

First of all, your mom is hot.

Secondly, you realize there are two and a half billion females on Earth.

Are you saying it can't be done? No. But we got to divide them up.

Ha-ha-ha. Deal.

I'll never get married. Ever.

You're almost married as it is. Kelly runs your life.

She does not!

Jan. You've got five minutes. Thank you.

[MEN LAUGHING AND IMITATING WHIPPING SOUNDS]

You'll be the next to go.

Please. We all know who'll be next.

ALL: Steve dog!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY THEN LAUGHS]

I don't even have a girlfriend.

You're going down, buddy.

What? Why?

Because, like Max, the first girl that lets you get with her, you'll marry.

You want to bet?

Actually bet? Really bet for money?

Yeah. Let's say the last single man gets a thousand bucks from the rest of you who end up getting married. Ha-ha-ha.

Six grand's a lot of money.

No, no. If we're going to do this, we do it right. Okay?

Each of us puts a couple hundred dollars a year away in savings.

No, no, no. High-yield mutual fund.

All right, the last man standing at the end, gets the whole pot.

I'm talking 10, 20 grand!

That's a lot of money.

Yeah. And you're out if you go gay, Gary.

Hey, blow me.

[♪♪♪]

All right, Gary's out.

I'm in. Tomcats' bet. Let's get in here.

KYLE: Come on, get in here!

I'm going to invest some money, okay?

ALL: Tomcats! Tomcats!

Tomcats! Tomcats! Tomcats! Tomcats!

Ha-ha-ha!

You guys are going to pay me so bad!

[LAUGHING]

I don't ever want to get married. I don't!

I do.

By the power vested in me, by Allah and the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you, husband and...

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Wife, my friends. Ha-ha.

Okay, love her tender.

Love her tenders. Please.

Oop. Rock the jailhouse.

Every single woman, come to the center of the aisle, so you can catch the flower bouquets...

All the single ladies. Where are you going?

MINISTER: Let's go, please. Sit down.

Thank you very much.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Ha-ha-ha! Whoo! All right.

You went down, my man!

Down like a 2-dollar hooker!

Boom! You're out! You suck!

Tricia's great, though.

No, I'll tell you who's great. Jan here is great.

What's our bachelor pool up to now?

As of Friday, about 475.

Man, that's half a million bucks!

[LAUGHS]

Can our man Jan pick IPOs or what? I'm wet. I'm, like, wet.

Don't you sometimes wish you could fuck money?

Weddings bring out the romantic in you, Kyle.

Kyle, don't you have enough money already?

You can never have enough money. And you're a fag for saying that.

No offense, Gary. Hey, blow me.

Looks like it's just you and me now, buddy.

And I'm not the one bringing chicks who catch bouquets.

[GRAND THEFT AUDIO'S "WE LUV U" PLAYS]

MICHAEL: I can't believe we're doing this again.

How many times can we do it?

SHELBY: You're going down. MICHAEL: You're unquenchable.

I'll pass out. Here it comes. Here it comes.

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[GROANS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]

[GRUNTING]

Ah. You lose. Ha-ha-ha.

Take off your pants. Oh, no. I lose again!

Oh, God, I hate losing.

Hurry, before he says it again.

No, no, no. No more drinking. No more drinking. You win.

You win.

I win? Oh, yeah?

Well, good. Then I'm collecting.

Come on. I want to be dangerous.

Where we going?

Where are we going?

Oh, wow.

Say it, Michael.

Um... Say it?

I won't do it unless you say it.

I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here.

What is it exactly you want me to say?

You know.

Those three little words.

Those three little words.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a minute.

What? What's wrong?

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Why are you acting like this?

You are the one who's rushing things.

Rushing what?

Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot.

But things are just moving a little too fast.

I'm just not ready to say, "I love you."

What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?

Oh, come on. Back there.

You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.

[LAUGHS]

You colossal moron.

"Suck my cock."

Suck my cock. Suck my cock!

Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock.

[(HED) PLANET EARTH'S "BARTENDER" PLAYS]

That was great. You put your shoes out on the pillow like this. Great.

MICHAEL: Shelby!

Sorry. WAITRESS: Jerk.

I'll catch you later.

[LAUGHS]

What's going on? Who you looking for?

Shelby. She's probably halfway back to L.A. By now.

Oh, boy. What'd you do now?

It's weird.

I thought she wanted me to say, "I love you." I wouldn't lie to get sex.

You know another way? I know. I'm an idiot.

Don't worry, buddy. You're at the Hard Rock.

I mean, this place rocks hard.

There's like a million women here.

I cannot believe you and Trish got married, Steve.

Aren't you terrified?

Let me ask you a question:

If you could sleep with any woman, who would it be?

Ooh. Is this hypothetical? Because my birthday's soon.

Any woman. Hypothetical.

Fictional?

Not Judy Jetson. Well, then, I'm out.

Who's yours?

Truth?

Tricia.

If I could fuck any woman in the whole world, it'd be her.

That's why I married her.

I'm glad you didn't write your own vows.

Trish and I have this deep connection, you know?

She understands what I'm feeling without my having to tell her.

It's like I found this huge spiritual side to myself that I didn't even know existed.

Last week I had sex with twins.

Okay, you win.

Oh, can I get a Heineken?

Thanks.

[♪♪♪]

Ha-ha-ha. Forget it, pal. She's only interested in high rollers.

Hard six! Let's go! We need a hard six! We got a shooter!

Long and hard six. Let's go. DEALER: No more bets.

Two trades, go a long way. Here we go, we got a shooter.

We got a roller! Hard six! DEALER: Seven!

That hurt. Uh...

That hurt. I, uh...

♪ Don't take much To make me feel all right ♪♪

I'm in! We got a shooter! Let's go! I'm in. I'm letting it ride!

No more bets.

Eleven! Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Whoo!

DEALER: Craps.

Oh, God, no. No touching! No touching.

That really hurt. Wow.

Woo-hoo! Yes, I'm on a roll!

[HUMMING THEN LAUGHS]

I need you to come over.

Michael's gone crazy trying to impress some girl.

Aw, come on, baby. I'm on fire.

[LAUGHING]

All right, I'll come down. Color me up, pops.

Your $11, sir?

Who's your daddy?

Craps.

No, please, Jesus, kill me now!

Kill me now! Kill me.

Or don't? Let it ride, my credit's good! Credit!

Let's go! Give me these dice!

What are you doing, buddy? Rolling the bones.

Steve, Amber. Amber, Steve.

How far are you down? I'm not so bad.

Twenty-five five.

Social security. Twenty-five thousand?

Listen, buddy. You can't do this.

Okay, listen. You can't afford this.

You have to stop now! Give me my dice!

Put the dice down.

Stop. Now.

That was close, buddy. I'll quit while I still can. That was close. Whoo.

Seven out. Time out!

Do over! I didn't roll that. I didn't roll that. She rolled.

Come with us, please.

Let's go. That's it. No more redheads. Ever.

Fellas, we're closed.

PIT BOSS: This is the guy, Carlos.

Hi.

I don't think I owe this money.

Really? And why do you say that, Mr. Delaney?

I didn't roll the dice. A lady threw the dice. I don't even know her name.

Wow. So this is all just like a big misunderstanding.

BOTH: Yeah. Well, luckily, we have tape.

Huh? See? That's us. Losers. Ha-ha. More losers.

Ooh. For about $9.95 in the room, you can watch that.

Tricia?

CARLOS: Shame we had to leave that.

A reason to bring back instant replay. I've said that for years.

That has got to hurt you.

Was that Tricia?

The woman you were with at the bar was handling the dice for luck.

You gave them to her, she threw them on the table.

That, Mr. Delaney, is a roll in any casino in town.

Now, I'm sorry. But you owe us $51,000.

Fifty-one thousand dollars? Plus the minibar.

Can we see that tape? I don't have 51,000 dollars.

I'm a cartoonist. I do background color for Sunday's "Garfield."

I love your work, but here's what we do:

We're dangerous, quasi-criminal, take-no-shit Vegas types.

So, what does that mean? What are you going to do? Hurt me?

Mr. Delaney, I got into this business to make easy money and the damn thing is they hook you in, and then you find yourself doing things you don't really want to be doing, like killing people like you.

And then you start to enjoy it, which is a problem.

I'm kidding. Making a light remark, though probably not to you.

Point is, I will hang you, cut your balls off and put them in your pocket.

But not without a lot of Jewish guilt.

You owe me, in one month, 51,000 dollars.

And starting now, I will need a daily security deposit.

I think it's important if we go back to that tape with the ladies.

CARLOS: But cheer up.

I am going to comp the minibar.

What happened?

I'm screwed, that's what happened. STEVE: All right, where are you?

I just lost 51,000 dollars.

If I don't get it in a month, I'm buzzard feed.

They'll kill me.

Jesus. I wish we could give you the money, but we put our cash into the house.

And we've borrowed against it to set up Steve's practice, which explains why the wedding of my dreams cost $280.

What are you doing?

Have you seen my flip-flops?

You know anybody who'll loan you the money?

No, baby, listen.

If you want us to stop seeing other people, what the hell? Let's try it.

It might help us reach a deeper level of togetherness, and you know, bring us closer together.

Yeah. Okay. Sure. Heh-heh.

Yeah, me too. All right, kiss-kiss. Okay, bye.

Whew. Your sister is driving me nuts.

Okay, we're here.

[SALIVA'S "YOUR DISEASE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

What you're going to go for is a nice, smooth stroke. Okay?

Mm-hm. Swing back.

There you go. How's that?

Okay. Well, we'll keep trying, okay?

Let's work on your form. You'll get it. No problem.

MICHAEL: All right, Yoshi. Keep your head down.

Keep your head down. Remember?

Grip and rip, dude. Grip and rip.

[MEN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE]

Hey, Kyle!

Kyle, what's going on? Mike? Hey.

What are you doing here?

I'm just hitting the links with some of the fellas.

You want a ride?

Sure. Fellas, I'll meet you at the 19th hole for a Heineken.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Banzai! Ha-ha-ha.

[♪♪♪]

MICHAEL: So you're serious about this girl, huh?

KYLE: Remember what we said about screwing every woman in the world?

I'm halfway there. One or two chicks at a time.

[GRUNTS]

[MAN SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

Whoopsie.

That's okay. Keep it. I've got more in the bag.

KYLE: She's nothing to me, dude.

Two things I hate: Chicks who want commitment, and assholes who want to borrow money.

[WOMAN GRUNTS]

I'm okay. We just ran over your girlfriend.

Man, do not say that word.

What did you want to talk to me about?

I just missed you. Don't go all faggy on me.

[GRUNTS THEN GROANS]

Ha-ha-ha. You should see the look on your face.

I'm totally kidding, man.

So you've never even come close to falling in love.

No, no, never.

Well, maybe once.

Natalie. She was a bridesmaid at Max's wedding.

She was amazing. I took her to a bluff out in Malibu.

We talked all night.

We made love in the morning at sunrise.

She fell asleep in my arms. It was incredible.

That's quite a story. What happened to her?

I don't know. She could've been the love of my life.

[DEXTER FREEBISH'S "LEAVING TOWN" PLAYS]

♪ Oh, your reputation's so golden ♪

♪ You're never lonely And you're never home ♪

♪ I know you've been talking About leaving ♪

♪ You've lost all your feeling For this town ♪ Nice couch, Mikey. Is it leather?

Oh, no way. It's pleather.

Gross.

[GRUNTS]

It'd be easier if you had a front-door key for us.

I'll get right on that. Night, fellas.

♪ So high in the gene pool ♪♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hey, what's up, buddy?

Is Tricia here? I'd like to ask her something.

Yeah, she's upstairs. Whoa!

Whoa. Watch that.

I'll take you up there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Turn it off! Shitballs!

Turn it off! Turn it off! Goddamn it! Son of a bitch!

She's upstairs with Consuela.

Damn hose.

Must have had a kink in it.

Any luck with the money?

Oh, no. I tried everything. I don't know what to do.

[♪♪♪]

Tricia!

Aha! Uh...

Oh, boy.

Is your blood sugar low again?

I was wondering about a friend of yours, Natalie.

A bridesmaid at your sister's wedding.

Natalie? Steve, offer Michael a beer.

You want a beer? Yeah.

What do you want with Natalie?

Nothing. I was thinking about her and I thought maybe I'd look her up.

We don't have one clean glass.

We have a full-time maid, for chrissakes.

Consuela.

What is it that you do around here?

It's Saturday night, right?

I know exactly where she is.

[MYSTIKAL'S "SHAKE YA ASS" PLAYS]

♪ Shake ya ass But watch yourself ♪

♪ Shake ya ass Show me what you're working with ♪

♪ Shake ya ass But watch yourself ♪ You looking for a date?

MAN: You're not my type.

NATALIE: Whatever. You wouldn't be anyway.

♪ Be cool ♪

♪ And don't worry about how I'm rippin' this shit ♪ Yeah?

[MICHAEL CHUCKLES]

♪ They don't Y'all bitches can't catch me ♪

♪ And you won't Tell ya self, bitch ass ♪♪

What's it gonna be?

I have a proposal for you and it's gonna sound a little strange.

Does it involve sex?

I'd say there'd be a fair amount of sex involved.

There will definitely be a house and a ring involved. Maybe even children.

[CHUCKLING] Children?

That'll depend on how far you and this other guy will want to take it.

But, yeah. I'd say kids would be involved. At least a dog. Ha.

Children, a dog and another guy.

You're allergic to dogs. How about cats? Maybe a hamster?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Maybe a hamster.

[LAUGHING]

Baby, I got exactly what you need.

[SIRENS WAILING]

NATALIE: Let's go. Over here. Let's go.

[GRUNTING]

You're under arrest, you sick fuck.

[SNIFFLING]

I wasn't soliciting prostitution. I swear to God, I wasn't.

You know what they do to pedophiles in the joint?

Not to mention hamster fuckers.

I wasn't looking for a hooker or a hamster! I was looking for you.

I was looking for Natalie Parker.

How do you know her name?

We were at a wedding once, a long time ago.

And you hooked up with a friend of mine, Kyle Brenner.

Doesn't ring any bells.

What do you want with her?

It's stupid. It was a bad idea. Can I please just apologize and go?

I want to hear it.

MICHAEL: I go to Vegas. There's this redhead.

I play craps. I lose all my money. Get to the point, Delaney.

I'm in a lot of trouble.

[BLOWS NOSE]

Some buddies of mine and I have a bet.

Last bachelor standing wins.

The pot is huge. Half a million.

And I need this money. I mean, I really need this money.

I just thought... It's stupid, but...

[WHIMPERING]

What? You thought what?

I just thought that, uh...

Kyle talks about you like you were the one that got away.

Like you were his last chance at true love.

I just thought that getting the two of you together, something would rekindle.

You guys would get married and I'd win the money. Everybody wins. Ha-ha.

That was the most pathetic fucking shit I have ever heard.

That hamster story was better than that crap.

What made you think I'd agree to it? I don't even remember this guy Karl.

Kyle. Whatever.

Kyle Brenner.

You're right. I'm sorry. It was stupid.

I'm sorry.

It's your call, detective.

Cut him loose.

Hi, yes. I'm here. Hi.

I was wondering if I could increase my limit to, I don't know, 51,000 dollars.

Yes, yes, I know.

Carlos did?

No. I have no intentions of cutting up my card.

No, do not send someone over to do it for me!

Hello? Hello?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

This Carlos runs a very tight ship.

Coming. Let me just throw something on.

Okay. One more sec. Who is it?

I've done some checking.

Kyle's rich. Why don't you ask him for a loan?

I tried. He doesn't lend people money.

How did you find me?

Michael. Cop. Remember?

Some place you got here.

Got anything to drink?

Uh...

I bet I'm the only guy you know who's had all of his beverages repossessed.

Here. Pour this.

Patrón. Classy.

What are you wearing?

Oh, uh... I was on hold for a very long...

Anyway, I don't really feel the need to dress up for these repo guys.

I've thought about your idea.

I want to do it.

[♪♪♪]

But we split the bet money 50-50.

Sure. Yeah.

This is great. This is terrific. Actually, uh, there is one little problem.

You kind of have to marry Kyle within 30 days.

No problem.

I want to do to Kyle what he did to me.

What do you mean? You do remember Kyle?

Of course I do.

We hooked up at Max's wedding.

[SCOFFS]

That little shit told me everything I wanted to hear, and then abandoned me on the PCH with nothing more than a roll of quarters to call a cab.

Nice memory for a girl's first time?

Uh...

I was kind of hoping for "love will prevail," but you know what?

Hate will do just fine.

[CAR ALARM WAILING AND MAN YELLING]

Sorry! Sorry about that.

NATALIE: The first thing we have to do is get to know our prey.

Precisely what kind of girls he likes.

[♪♪♪]

[MICHAEL GRUNTS]

Hey! Be careful. This is expensive. I'm sorry. It's heavy.

Hand me the night-spectrum spotting scope.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I think we left that in the car.

Then just hand me a pair of binoculars.

Yeah.

NATALIE: Long time no see, Kyle.

The guy has pleather furniture.

What kind of loser has pleather furniture?

Beats me. Heh.

NATALIE: A stewardess. How cliché.

Subject likes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

Let me see. Quit hogging them. It's my turn. Give me.

This is so cool.

This is better than cable. Shh. Quiet!

MICHAEL: God, I never had a stewardess.

I think they're leaving. It'd be cool to get some audio.

We will. Give me five minutes.

MICHAEL: My God, this girl is Wonder Woman.

I'm terrified, yet strangely aroused.

Take that robe off. Aren't you hot?

No, no. I'm good, I'm good.

You guys want to come over tonight? I can't. I got a date.

With who? That stewardess?

Did I tell you about the stewardess?

Uh... Yeah, great tits. I believe you had sex with her.

Yeah. All night long. But this one's better.

Why is that? Shoot some sticks.

She's a cosmetics counter girl.

If I ever get married, it'll be to a cosmetics counter girl.

Why a cosmetics counter girl? Grill some steaks and...

They're the perfect woman. They'll always smell good and wear makeup.

They're not too ambitious.

And they won't be a damn feminist bitch, keeps her own name when you marry.

Like my mother? Yeah, exactly.

Let's get out of here.

Mike, you coming along? No, I'm good. I'm good.

I'll stay and get a good sweat going.

Take care of yourself. Yeah.

I'll catch up with you guys.

[PANTING]

Gotcha.

[GRUNTING]

[SHUVEL'S "THOSE WHO STAND IN LINE" PLAYS OVER STEREO]

♪ We agree to believe That we're bought and done ♪

♪ Still refuse He's afraid to fly ♪ This is my favorite group.

Ah.

[TURNS MUSIC VOLUME UP] ♪ Right now, decide ♪♪

[WHOOPS]

You hear that?! Yeah!

It came in stereo.

This is a system. Oh, yeah!

You hear that bass? Good, right? You want more?

[MUSIC STOPS]

Stakeout.

Right. Sorry.

Hey.

Is that me?

Oh. Yeah, but I draw all my friends.

It is me. Let me see. No, really.

It's very rough. It's very rough.

Let go.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Nice ass.

These are really good.

Have you ever tried to sell these?

It's pretty hard to start your own comic strip.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

There's our boy.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Where is he? Tell me.

Come on back here. I see you.

Jackass. I'll sic the National Guard on you.

Oh, man. I learned my lesson. No more two-story houses.

Subject hates two-story houses.

Here. Got you something.

These will go with my horny devil socks.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So, what's our man up to?

Ugh. Trying on underwear.

Oh, man! Thank you.

NATALIE: So you hungry?

I think I just lost my appetite.

Have some sushi.

Oh, no, no. I don't do sushi.

What?

I've always hated sushi. Everybody likes sushi.

Not me. All right, you're going to try sushi.

No. Yeah. Try sushi.

It disgusts me. Really. Open your mouth.

[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING]

Toot-toot! Open your mouth.

Good boy. Mm-hm.

There you go.

There you go, sport. Mm.

You're a fun date, aren't you?

I told you I hate sushi.

I guess so.

OLD WOMAN: This was a good idea. OLD MAN: Yeah, I agree.

Ooh! OLD WOMAN: You're looking cute.

You vixen. Ha-ha-ha.

[♪♪♪]

NATALIE [ON RECORDING]: Subject likes brunettes.

Prefers subservient women in uniform.

MICHAEL: My God, this girl is Wonder Woman.

I'm terrified, yet strangely aroused.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

KYLE: You hear guys talking about having blue balls.

I'll tell you, the last couple of weeks, I fuck and I fuck and I can't get any relief.

Hold on. I gotta take a break.

I ate some raw fish. Please, give me one second.

Do you like it better, when a girl makes the first move on you or when you do?

Dude. Honestly? I don't give a rat's ass.

I guess I like to be surprised.

What exactly do you mean by surprise?

Oh, dude. Oh, my God.

Last week, I'm doing this girl in the back seat of her daddy's car.

Catholic schoolgirl's uniform. The whole nine yards, man.

She drinks too much. She's sick, so she hangs her head out the window, and just commences to puking.

It's too bad you had to stop.

No, see, I was gonna.

That would have been the right thing.

But the way she was having these contractions.

They were just wrenching down on the old crank.

Oh, God, it felt so great.

Now, that's a surprise.

Hey, my car, my car, my car!

Yeah, I know. It sucks.

Oh, you get that extra key made for the house?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks.

Uh... I got to take the phone. Sorry.

I need that phone. That phone is my life.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? CARLOS [OVER PHONE]: Michael.

Carlos. Give him the phone.

You've got three weeks.

Thanks, buddy.

[WOMAN SINGING "HALE'IWA HULA"]

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING]

Michael!

I'm so glad to see you. Oh!

Great, great. All the kids are here.

Hey, how you doing, pal? Come here.

Ling, take your penis out of the tartar sauce. You look great.

Michael, a surprise for you.

Natalie, this is Michael. Michael, this is Natalie.

You probably don't remember, but you two have met.

Michael was an usher at our wedding.

Boing-yoing-yoing! Boing-yoing-yoing!

Right, right. I think I remember you.

Doesn't ring a bell.

[LAUGHS]

So, Natalie, you're still single and in law enforcement. How interesting.

Do you have any exciting stories? Uh-oh. Thank you.

Well, last year I got shot. I shattered my pelvis and I was in...

Oh, speaking of pelvises, how was the birth, Kelly?

I had to have a C-section.

Oh. She only dilated this much.

That happened with Freedom.

Then he came out feet first. Talk about getting ripped.

Ha-ha-ha. Ripped. Ha-ha.

Nuyen's birth mother birthed in water. Tony and I were in the tub.

Oh, guys.

I was in labor for 26 hours.

Don't you people ever watch TV?

I know I said no more matchmaking...

Yes, but Tricia can't help herself.

It's just that you two are perfect for each other.

[♪♪♪]

Kill me, Michael. Kill me now.

What? Dill kung pao.

Pass the dill kung pao.

[GASPING]

Oh.

[PANTING]

Oh.

[SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

[BABY CRYING]

NATALIE: Oh-oh-oh...

Oh, no, no, no. What a beautiful baby!

[SCREAMS]

Oh, my God. You won't believe this.

My water just broke. Her water...

What does that mean, her water broke?

What is that, her water?

Oh, God. Oh, God. People, we're going to need a mop in here!

That scene back there freaked you out, huh? Don't you like kids?

I am not talking to you about kids. Last time, I wound up in handcuffs.

[LAUGHS]

You know the one thing I regret more than losing my money in Las Vegas?

What's that?

I should've asked you out back at Max's wedding.

[♪♪♪]

With that mullet hair you had?

Keep dreaming, buddy.

Nice. Nice.

Why didn't you?

I don't really like ugly chicks.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Ever play mercy?

Yes. I'll have you know I'm very good at the game.

Ooh. Bring it on. Okay.

One, two... Three.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You are going down!

I lose.

Wow. Uh... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me. Freeze, motherfucker!

I am really sorry! I was out of line!

Please don't shoot me!

Bring Kyle to me tomorrow.

Drop cans!

Hands on your head!

You are not falling in love with her.

You're a lady-killer. You're a tomcat.

Take it easy, Mike.

Good night, fellas. Have a safe drive.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'm confused because I really like Michael.

And I think he likes me.

What, you can't tell?

Go.

Police! Nobody move, goddamn it!

[♪♪♪]

♪ Bring in the ruckus ♪

[YELLING]

There was this one moment. It was amazing.

[♪♪♪]

What the fuck does that mean?

Natalie!

[GUNSHOTS]

[SCREAMS]

♪ Bring in the ruckus Yeah ♪

♪ Let's bring the bullshit ♪

♪ Bring in the ruckus Yeah ♪

♪ Get down We's a-bumpin' ♪♪ So you really like this guy, huh?

I think I'm in love with him.

HURLEY: This is serious.

I know. He has a slick exterior, but...

I see a real sweetheart underneath.

[♪♪♪]

Clear.

[MAN SCREAMS AND SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Clear.

[♪♪♪]

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Shit.

Remember the first time we met him at the station?

He found me because he felt I was Kyle's last chance for true love.

Can't say that if you don't believe it.

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHING]

So how do I find out how he feels?

[GRUNTS]

Say you're falling for Kyle.

Don't move or I'll blow your brains out!

He won't believe I'm falling for Kyle.

Oh, he'll believe it. Trust me.

Your partner's right.

Want to get a guy to make a move? Get him competition.

Shut up.

Let me look at cologne.

Look at this place. There's hot babes everywhere. It smells great.

I ought to move in here.

Would you watch it? Sorry.

Excuse us.

Man, this again?

I hate this shade of lipstick. Stays on your dick for a week.

Then you should try our hypoallergenic cleanser.

I think you should try some Visine.

Why do I need Visine?

So you can get a clear vision of our future together.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. My name is Natalie.

Um... I'm from Van Nuys.

Oh, my God, you're Natalie.

That's what I just said. You're Natalie. No, no, no.

Hey, I'm Kyle.

Remember? Max and Kim's wedding.

Malibu? I popped your cherry.

Kyle. Right.

Oh, my God. You look great. Yeah, huh? Wow.

I'll let you two get reacquainted.

Wow. So you're working here. Cosmetics counter girl.

I know it's not very ambitious, but I'm saving my money for a one-story house.

That's fantastic.

[♪♪♪]


[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[YELLS]

[ERIC GILLIOM'S "MOONDANCE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

MICHAEL: Put your shoes back on. Get out of there.

Here you go.

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Would you like to dance?

Oh, yes. Come dance with me.

I love to lambada. I love to fall feet and turns.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh. Nice dip, dork.

All right, Natalie. Enough's enough. Tell him you can't stand him.

Tell him it's a scam. You're in love with me.

Where you guys going? Natalie, don't go.

Natalie.

♪ Magic ♪

[PANTING]

No, no. Get out now.

[MICHAEL GROANS]

[NATALIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER HEADPHONES]

[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Can I just have One more moondance? ♪ Night vision.

No, no, Natalie. Get out of there.

There you go. Thattagirl.

No, not the microphone. Not the microphone.

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS ON HEADPHONES]

Aah! Ugh. Natalie, get out of there.

Get out.

[SCREAMS]

I'm blind.

Ooh, you like it with the lights on? Baby, come on. Ride the pony.

Whoo! You know you want it.

[♪♪♪]

[GROWLS]

Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death.

Come on, get some of this.

Come on, you little rodeo gal.

♪ One more moondance ♪ Here's how it's gonna go.

We're not having sex tonight.

In fact, I don't know when we're going to have sex.

I'm not like all the other girls.

But I promise you, Kyle, you've never had a girl like me.

[LAUGHS]

All right.

Ready.

Better take care of that.

♪ One more moondance tonight ♪♪ This is kind of about me, right? Who'll take care of me better than me?

Ha-ha. And you knew that!

We got a future together, baby.

[DOOR CLOSES]

All right. Here we go.

I am going to hurt you tonight.

[PHONE RINGS]

Natalie? Michael. Yeah, it's me.

I need you to meet me right away. Name a place.

Somewhere Kyle would never stumble across us in a million years.

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for meeting me.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

I'm, heh...

I'm falling for Kyle.

What? He's actually pretty sweet.

Sweet? The guy screws women while they're barfing!

Shh!

You just don't know him like I do.

There's another side to him that he doesn't show to everyone.

I've known the guy my whole life. There's no other side. He's a dick.

He's afraid to show his sensitivity. He must be very afraid.

Michael.

Michael. All my life, I waited to fall in love.

And now this guy really loves me.

Do you know what that's like?

Do you love anyone?

I guess not.

[SIGHS]

I better get back.

[♪♪♪]

You won't let this defeat you. You won't let this defeat you.

You know why? You know why?

Because you're the man. Who the man? You the man. You the man.

Now, here's what you'll do.

You'll go out there and you'll fuck the first woman you see.

The first woman you see. You are going to be ruthless.

You'll use every little dirty trick. Every little manipulation.

Every lie you know! You know why? Because you the man! Now get her.

The first woman you see. The first woman you see.

The second woman you see. The second woman you see.

[CHUCKLES]

This is almost too easy.

Hi. Uh...

Whoa! Ha. Hey.

Um... Where would I bring an overdue book?

Oh, uh...

I'll take that.

JILL: I have always loved books.

And so I started studying library science at Luther College and...

[♪♪♪]

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been going on and on and on about myself all night.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

It's such a treat when you meet a woman who's so honest and direct.

You're making me blush. You're sweet.

Golly, stop it.

Uh, uh... Um, this is me.

Ah.

It was nice to meet you, Jill.

Oh, thank you.

It was really sweet of you to let me pick the restaurant out tonight.

Oh, please, I love sushi.

[♪♪♪]

Well, uh...

Good night.

[♪♪♪]

Michael?

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Uh... I was wondering...

I mean, this isn't how I... Gosh.

Golly, I'm tongue-tied tonight. It's okay. You can say it.

Would you like to come in?

Oh. Oh, no, it's way too late.

Okay.

Wow. Nice place. Thank you.

Four-H ribbons, cool. That's a big cock.

JILL: Grammy.

Grammy, hello.

Grammy, I'd like you to meet my friend Michael.

Michael, this is Grammy. She was a librarian too.

Ah. Hello, young man.

Would you two kids like a nightcap?

Sure.

I hope you like hot butterscotch toddies. They're Jill's favorite.

Mine too.

This is amazing.

It's like your granddaughter and I are on the same wavelength! It's spooky!

[MOUTHING] You want to go upstairs?

Sweet dreams, Grammy.

Night, peanut.

Jill, I think I could really care for you.

Really? Yeah.

Whoa!

Hold on, one second.

[LAUGHING]

Oh. I see the tables have turned.

What are you doing?

Trust me.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ow! Jesus! You can take it.

I don't know if I want to take it.

[♪♪♪]

You've been a bad, bad boy.

No, no. I haven't.

I've been a very good boy.

You had an overdue library book.

This is a little unexpected.

Call me mistress, you disgusting little worm.

You said it. We're on the same wavelength.

Uh... All that wavelength stuff, to be honest with you, I said that to get you into bed.

That is not very nice.

In fact, that is downright naughty.

I've been a bad boy. Very bad.

I'm sorry. I think I should go home and think about what I've done.

That's right. You should think long and hard about what you did.

You naughty boy.

What is that?

You piece of slime.

MICHAEL: What is this?

Okay! Look at the time.

It's getting late. I should be heading home.

It's really way past my bedtime.

I know you'd probably love to have me hang around so you can beat the ever-living shit out of me!

I really should go home Please let me go home.

Please, can I go home?

I know about boys like you.

You don't take books seriously.

Yes, I do.

[MUFFLED] I take books very seriously.

Yeah.

Meow.

So you don't respect books. I love books.

You break their bindings. You doodle in their margins.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

That's right. You are a doodlebug.

I'm not a doodlebug.

That's what you are. Just a little, dirty bug.

Hmm. Ha-ha-ha.

The Scarlet Letter.

Great inspiration in those pages. It's an excellent choice.

One whack for every day overdue.

[THWACK]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

[MICHAEL WHIMPERING]

I don't know.

I'm just not feeling it.

Something's missing.

[♪♪♪]

Here's Grammy!

[SCREAMING]

That's it. No more redheads. No more redheads, ever.

God!

[SCREAMING]

You really like this girl? Natalie?

Man, I'm telling you. She's the best.

Isn't it time you moved on? No way, dude.

This girl really knows how to turn me on.

You find anything down there? Feel my left nut.

Are you out of your mind?

No, no, man. It's like the size of a baseball.

Good for you. I'm not touching it.

This other one's fine.

But this one feels like a cantaloupe or something.

Must be those blue balls you mentioned.

Feel it. Tell me what you think.

I think I'm about to kick your ass!

Come on. Dude. Mike.

Mike, come on!

A real pal'd feel my balls.

We were showering. And I looked down, and my left nut is the size of an Easter egg.

What do you want me to do about it?

I want your professional opinion.

You want me to grope your balls?

Just the left one. Mike wouldn't do it.

Come on, you're a doctor. Feel his balls.

I'm a proctologist, not a urologist.

You'll jam your fingers up his ass but won't touch his balls?

They're two different things! You went to medical school.

All right! Slow down! Slow down!

I'll do it.

Thanks.

I need my nurse present.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

Shirley, have my nurse come in here, please?

SHIRLEY: She's in room 12 with your wife.

They've been back there for about a half an hour, at least.

Shitballs!

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN: Harder. Do it harder.

[TRICIA GRUNTING]

STEVE: I finally caught you, you dirty...

Steve, you finish that sentence, and I swear to God I'll call a lawyer.

We better go with two on this one.

Jesus.

This is huge.

Like a kumquat.

What does it mean?

Beats me.

I won't beat around the dance floor, Mr. Brenner.

It's cancer.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Jesus.

DOCTOR: It's only in the one testicle.

We'll run more tests after we remove it.

You mean, remove the cancer? No, Mr. Brenner.

I mean, remove the testicle.

If I don't remove it, you could die.

How painful a death are we talking about?

Let me give it to you straight.

The affected region is too close to the spine to give you any anesthesia.

So we plan to make a gash in the abdomen.

Reach down, yank the scrotum up into the abdominal cavity and saw off the testicle.

There's a 40 percent chance we're going to have to amputate the penis.

Oh, God!

[STAMMERING]

Ha-ha-ha. Had you going. That is why I love this job.

It's painless. The procedure takes about an hour.

Okay. So will I still be able to?

You know? Play the trombone?

No, I mean, with girls. Will I...? Can I still?

Oh, ride the one-eyed hoagie. Of course you can, son. Ha.

However, I recommend to most of my patients before this procedure that they make a deposit in the sperm bank before the operation, just in case.

Just go on over, you know, give her a whack. Pfft.

I don't want to do this.

I'm not asking you to go in the room with me.

If you do it too, I'll be more comfortable.

I mean, look at this place. It's completely professional, right?

Hi.

We're here to make a deposit.

I really don't want to do this.

NURSE: Sign these forms.

And fill these bottles.

So if I run into trouble back there, you'll give me a hand?

Never heard that one before.

You're in room seven, and you're in room nine.

Okay.

[OVER HEADPHONES] ♪ Strolling in the park ♪

♪ Watching winter turn to spring ♪

♪ Walking in the dark Seeing lovers do their thing ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ I feel like making love ♪ Come on.

♪ To you ♪

♪ That's the time ♪ Come on.

♪ Making dreams come true ♪♪ Oh, Michael, you're the greatest.

[♪♪♪]


[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Here you go.

Eh.

Dude. Ha-ha.

Dude.

Dude! Oh, yeah.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Mike. Hey. I brought you a plant.

[LAUGHS THEN GRUNTS]

Oh, dude. Don't make me laugh.

Has Natalie been here all night?

She never left my side.

She says this happened because I've got too much karma in my genitals.

How was it? It was all right.

Doc says the other rocket launcher's good, so...

[SIGHS]

Come here. Come here.

Come here.

I want my ball.

Kyle, I understand that, but look on the bright side.

You still have one healthy one. You don't understand.

I want to take it home with me, and the nurses said I can't do that.

It's not a tooth, Kyle.

It belongs to me. I miss it.

Please. Get my nut.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[♪♪♪]

MAN: It fell right on the floor.

WOMAN: What? The kidney?

MAN: Slipped from my hand, embarrassing.

Mertle kicks it, it rolls under the O.R. Table, slides across the room.

Ow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Brenner. Brenner. Brenner. Brenner.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, come on. Come to papa.

Slippery little guy. Got you.

I got to put this in something. Got to find something to put this in.

Whoops.

Where'd it go? Where'd you go?

Where'd you... go?

Hey! You can't be in here.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.


[LAUGHING]

Ew. Ew. Ew.

[♪♪♪]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the sticky buns. Give me these.

Stand in line. Give them to me.

You have to stand in line!

Doctor!

Do not eat that!

[PEOPLE GROANING]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

Did you get it?

Uh... Yep. I got it.

Wow. So that's what a nut looks like?

Yeah.

That's a nut.

Thanks, Mike. You're a lifesaver.

I appreciate it.

Remember our deal, banging every girl in the world? That's on you now, pal.

I'll get right on that.

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH MOANING]

MICHAEL: All right. Okay.

Call me. Okay.

Don't get too comfortable.

You have got to wait your turn.

Hurry up, Michael, I'm next.

Give me a couple of minutes of rest. Kyle doesn't take this long.

Two, three minutes and he's always done.

Hurry if you want to get every woman in the world.

MICHAEL: Please, let me shut my eyes, for like, literally 30 seconds, and then just a little sandwich.

[WOMEN CLAMORING]

[♪♪♪]

[MICHAEL SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Michael. It's Carlos.

I know you got three days and 14 hours to go, but since you've run out of shit for me to take, I remind you, if you don't pay, you die.

No problem. I'll have it.

You're as bad a liar as you are a gambler, Mr. Delaney. See you Friday.

[PIANO PLAYING]

Hey, Mike.

How's it going, man?

[GRUNTING]

Oh...

I'm just kidding, man. Ow!

Unh! I'm all better.

I'm fine. I bring this everywhere I go.

Thanks to you.

Thanks for showing up today. I really wanted you to be here.

Here for what?

You're busted, Mike.

Natalie told me what you did.

She what? How you found her. I can't believe it.

Kyle, I am so sorry.

You tracked her down after hearing my story to see if we'd fit.

Who does that? Thank you. You're the best, pal.

She tell you she's a cop?

That whole cosmetics counter thing? That was an undercover gig.

Very clever.

Oh. Thank you.

You know what?

When death has literally got you by the balls, everything you've been afraid of suddenly, phew, seems unimportant.

There are things that I can do now that I never could do before.

For instance:

Officer Natalie Parker, I have been arrested by your beauty.

And I'd love to serve a life sentence in the jail of your heart.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Of course I'll marry you, Kyle.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

I can't believe it. I've delivered Natalie right into the devil's lair.

I finally feel I can have something real with someone.

You know, something solid. Built on trust. Like what you and Tricia have.

Now she's going to go off and marry him.

Step up, man. Tell her how you feel.

Tell her you love her, you puss.

Have you been listening? She loves Kyle.

Steve, it's so weird.

For the first time in my life, someone else matters more to me than I matter to myself.

Well, you changed after all that shit you went through.

I'm exercising. People change.

You know what? Maybe Kyle has changed too.

All he went through. Maybe he's a changed man now.

Aah! Oh, yeah, baby! Ha-ha!

[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ When I come around ♪ All right! Give it to me.

[GRUNTS THEN WHOOPS]

I'll be right back, baby.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What's up, having fun?

♪ Stay on top but remain From the underground ♪ Calm down! Ah-hoo!

♪ All in the family ♪ ♪ Ever since Xzibit could spit ♪ How rocking is this? Whoo!

♪ Like a potential mistress ♪

♪ Shine bright Make sure that X stay tight ♪ What's the matter? You're not having a good time, buddy?

Whoo! Hey, all right.

Get a load of some of these women. They're amazing.

You see that one there? In the blue?

[LAUGHS]

You wouldn't believe what she can do with Ping-Pong balls.

It is showtime!

MAN: Come on, come on!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Mike, did you see this?

Yo, Cherry, come here! Come here, Cherry.

Hey, sit down. This is Michael. And she's a student.

Right now I'm concentrating on my actressing.

Come over here, Cherry. Mm-hm.

Ooh. You sexy little actress thing, you.

How about we go in the bedroom? Can I bring a friend?

It's my bachelor party. The more, the merrier.

Oh, hello there! Oh!

Wow.

You're cool with this? Everybody's entitled to a last hurrah.

You want to go in the bedroom and start warming up without me?

I'll be there in a minute.

[MICHAEL GRUNTING]

Thank you.

What do you mean, "last hurrah"?

I just figure you're getting married tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.

You know, you're entitled one last dip in the bachelor pool.

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHS]

You're funny. You're hysterical, man.

You're joking, right?

I thought you loved her. Love's got nothing to do with it.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh! Oh!

Natalie will be a great baby-maker.

I could still sleep around.

She'll be at home with the kids. She'll never know. Ah.

Whoo! Hey, girls! What's up?

Woo-hoo. I thought you were going to go warm up in bed without me.

♪ X to the Z And we all in the family ♪

♪ X Rearrange the whole game ♪

♪ With my rugged sound X ♪

♪ Won't even say your own name When I come around ♪♪ You did it, man.

[CHUCKLES]

You won the bet, man!

[LAUGHS]

You'll be rich.

Tomorrow morning at 9, you're gonna be rich.

Rich! Ha-ha-ha!

[THUD]

No, Steve. No, I'm not.

I have got a wedding to stop!

[GRUNTS]

I cannot believe you let Kyle plan this wedding.

It doesn't matter.

You're going through with this?

Hey. Look at me. Do I look amazing or what?

Ha-ha. We're in luck. My uncle Murray's performing the ceremonies.

He's my hero.

And the witnesses sign in triplicate.

That's three, tres, trois, and then, I stamp a little, I notarize, I file it.

Voilà.

[WAGNER'S "BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Can't you just feel the romance?

[♪♪♪]

[TICKING]

[MICHAEL GROANS]

Oh, no. Oh, no!

No!

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

Where are my clothes?

Clothes. Where are my clothes?

Excuse me, ma'am? Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am. Please get up.

Have you seen a pair of pants?

I'm gonna borrow your jacket, okay? There we go.

Please. Okay. There we go. Okay. Here we go.

I promise I'll return this, okay?

[BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

WAITER: Whoa! Slow down!

That was close.

[GRUNTING]

[CROWD GASPS]

[YELLS]

I can't believe this. It's terrible.

[♪♪♪]

Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Fur coat!

[CROWD YELLING]

What are you...? Stop it!

Marriage is a state that is not entered into easily.

It is damn hard, kids.

It requires dedication and a lot of sacrifices.

Like for instance, if you have a mother-in-law who figures she can stay over with you whenever she damn pleases!

She comes in and stays in the toilet for an hour and a half!

Who reads War and Peace in the toilet?!

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

GIRL: Mommy! Shh. I'm a good stranger. It's okay.

Hey, you! Stop!

I'm not weird. We were just talking.

Kyle, do you promise to make love to Natalie, and only Natalie, until one of you is dead?

[♪♪♪]

[WOMAN HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

No, no, no. I wasn't looking at you. Don't do that.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Be advised, we're looking for a peeping Tom.

This guy is really twisted.

And do you, my handsome nephew, take Natalie to be your lawful wedded wife, through the good times and the bad times, and the times she won't talk to you for months, and even worse, when she will, so you pretend you're asleep so she'll leave you alone, but you lie there listening to her grind her teeth, hour after hour like a fucking hacksaw?

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

I made it.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

DRIVER: Nice dress, bonehead!

MICHAEL: Sorry. My mistake.

[HORN HONKING]

[SCREAMS]

[MURRAY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Stop the wedding!

I love you!

I thought you said you were done with all that.

It's not Peter. I don't even know who this guy is.

[MARTI FREDERIKSEN'S "GET IT WHILE YOU CAN" PLAYS]

♪ Went to Las Vegas ♪

♪ To see the Eiffel Tower ♪

♪ Silicone ladies ♪

I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money?

♪ Went to bed drunk ♪ I guess you could say I sold my soul.

Yeah, I see a lot of that.

♪ Can't remember Half the things that I did ♪

♪ But I bounced back Bounced back like a kid ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Woke up one day older ♪

♪ Get it while you can Someone said ♪ KYLE: Michael.

♪ Get it while you can ♪♪ Way to go.

Marry the best woman in the world and it's not enough for you.

What?

You're married?! No, I... He...

Pfft!

Thanks, asshole. You got something on your nose.

[GRUNTING]

You were in on it together. Take me for a ride.

What do you mean? You got it all! Why'd you tap me on the nose?

You really don't know, do you?

On our wedding night. I thought everything was fine.

I was ready to give her a hose down.

Well, hello, Mrs. Brenner.

Actually, I'm gonna keep my own name.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, whatever.

Oh. Yeah. A little of the old bubbly. Kyle.

Remember our first time?

When you left me out in Malibu with nothing but a roll of quarters?

Yeah. That was so hot.

Here's to that.

[♪♪♪]

Let's swap bodily fluids, baby.

[GRUNTS]

When I woke up, she was gone.

The next day, marriage was annulled, she was nowhere to be found.

Never saw her again. Figured you two had a scam to get the bachelor cash.

That's cool, though. I'm getting more pussy now than ever.

Chicks really dig a guy with a broken heart.

Kyle, I am so sorry.

Ha-ha-ha. I'm kidding. I just play that. You know me.

I'll be a one-balled babe hound when I'm 80.

I got a date with a new girl. She's fantastic.

What, another cosmetics counter girl?

No, man, no. A librarian. She's so hot. A little redheaded girl.

She gave me this book to read.

Dude, this book will change your life.

I gotta go. Mike.

I like to be spanked with a day-old carrot.

Um...

How much you got?

Twenty bucks.

And my own carrot.

MICHAEL: Excuse me.

Michael!

I've got a proposal, but it might sound a little strange.

[SIRENS WAILING]

The Chinese Theater is this way?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Where's the carrot? NATALIE: I got it.

It's okay. I got it.

I just wanted to give you this.

You were there?

I tried to stop the wedding, but I was late.

So, um, this proposal, does it involve sex?

Yeah, I'd say there'd be a fair amount of sex involved.

Definitely a house and a ring.

Maybe even some children. Children?

At least a dog. Definitely not a hamster.

I like dogs.

[♪♪♪]

So, what's up, Delaney?

You love me or something?

I do.

I now happily ratify your union as husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

Wait.

Not until you say those three little words.

I'm not falling for that one again.

Suck my cock.

[THWACK]

MICHAEL: Hold it. Hold it.

How big of an idiot do you think I am?

I love you.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[♪♪♪]

This is fantastic. You're like a big, bad dominatrix.

I can't wait to get to this. Show me what you got.

I don't know.

I think something's missing.

[LAUGHS]

KYLE: Yeah, something's missing, get your butt out of that little thing.

You got to do something to me. Let's see what you got.

[YELLING]

Whoa. Whoa.

Hey.

[BLINK 182'S "MUTT" PLAYS]

Tricia?

♪ He pauses shaving ♪ What the hell am I thinking?

[WOMAN GIGGLES]

WOMAN: Tricia.

♪ Her credit cards Are paying the funds ♪ Tricia! Oh, God, I knew it!

Oh, how could you?

Consuela. Kelly. Tricia!

You're all dirty birdies!

You want to join us?

[LAUGHING]

Thank God Almighty!

[SCREAMS]

♪ And I know He's only looking to score ♪ Come on, Johnny.

Oh, yeah, Johnny. Oh, come on.

[PANTING]

If you don't cut, I'm gonna come.

[CREW LAUGHING]

[MICHAEL PANTING]

MICHAEL: What is it exactly you want me to say?

You know, those three little words.

MICHAEL: Uh... Okay. I love you.

I love you, I love you.

[O'CONNELL & CREW LAUGHING]

O'CONNELL: I love you.

MAN 1: Yeah, baby!

MAN 2: Hold it, Bob.

MAN 1: In unison, turn. Okay? MAN 2: Two, three.

♪ He took the seat Off his own bike ♪ O'CONNELL: I'm sorry.

[CREW LAUGHING]

I'm sorry. I tried, I tried.

MAN 1: C mark.

MAN 2: Action!

[GRUNTS]

You're under arrest, you sick fuck.

♪ They don't even care at all ♪

[ELIZABETH & CREW LAUGHING]

You should try some Visine.

NATALIE: Why do I need Visine?

So you can get a clear future of our vision together.

[CLICKS TONGUE AND ELIZABETH LAUGHS]

♪ He's only looking to score ♪ ♪ He's only looking to score ♪ Wash my car.

♪ Often they've typically Been starved ♪♪ MAN: Marker.

KYLE: I mean, I might've fallen in love with her that night.

MICHAEL: What happened to her?

She might've been the love of my life.

WOMAN: Kyle!

WOMAN: Energy and pace.

What the fuck are you doing?

[LAUGHING]

I'm experimenting. He said try some stuff. I'm blowing bubbles.

MAN: Marker. You're welcome.

[BOTH MOANING]

Michael. Oh, call me.

Okay. I will.

Don't get too comfortable.

You have got to wait your turn. Hurry up, I'm next.

Jesus Christ! What the hell is this?

[CREW & ACTORS LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.

Cut.

MAN: That's a wrap.

[♪♪♪]