Top Secret! (1984) Script

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GRUNTING)


(SHOUTS)


VON HORST: Security has been tightened throughout the country.

All borders have been placed on full alert.

Exit visas have been suspended for the entire week.

In addition, we have received assurances from our undercover agents in the West that our actions to date have gone completely undetected.

All military leaves have been canceled and we have doubled the guard around Dr. Flammond.

And finally, all systems are in readiness for deployment of the Polaris Mine.

Just as you ordered, General Streck.

Well done, Von Horst.

By Sunday, the entire NATO submarine fleet will be here on their maneuvers and completely vulnerable.

Major Crumpler, what is the progress of our diversionary plan?

The schedule for the cultural festival is now complete, Herr General.

And you should be pleased to note that at your personal request, the Soviets have agreed to send their celebrated tenor, Vladimir Biletnikov.

Well done, Herr Major.

Then everything has gone according to the plan.

Well, not exactly, mein General.

The American, Leonard Bernstein, unfortunately has had to cancel.

But they are sending another performer in his place.

In fact, we have just received this copy of his most recent record album.

His name is Nick Rivers.

STRECK: I'm sure he will be quite adequate.

As long as the attention of the world is firmly fixed on our cultural festival, no one will know what is about to happen.

And once again, Germany will become united under one rule. Ours!

After Sunday, there will be no one to stop us!

(RECORD PLAYING SKEET SURFIN')

* Skeet surfin'

* If everybody had a 12-gauge

* And a surfboard too

* You'd see 'em shootin' and surfin'

* From here to Malibu

* Because it's totally bitchin'

* Ridin' waves to blast the pigeons

* And it's so neat shooting skeet

* While you're riding on the heavies all day

* First wave, don't get tired

* Second wave, aim higher

* Third wave, pull and fire

(CHEERING)

* Skeet surfin' * It's all right

* Waxin' down our surfboards

* And loadin' up our traps

* Tell the teacher we're shootin'

* We're never comin' back

* I've got a gun rack in my Chevy

* For when the surf and the flak get heavy

* And we'll have fun with our guns

* Till our lifeguard takes our ammo away

* First wave, don't get tired

* Second wave, aim higher

* Third wave, pull and fire

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

* Skeet surfin' * It's all right

* First wave, get the knack

* Second wave, pull the trap

* Third wave, how's that?

* Skeet surfin' * It's all right

* Sharing sunsets with my favorite girl

* When we shoot the curl we really shoot the curl

(GUN FIRES)

(EXPLOSION)

* First wave, don't get tired

* Second wave, aim higher

* Third wave, pull and fire

* Skeet surfin' * It's all right

* First wave, get the knack

* Second wave, pull the trap

* Third wave, how's that?

* I wish they all could be double-barrel

* Wish they all could be double-barrel guns

* Skeet surfin', can't you see?

* Do you wanna come along with me?

* Skeet surfin', can't you see?

* Do you wanna come along with me?

* Skeet surfin', it's all right

* Little girl we'll have fun tonight

* Skeet surfin', can't you see?

* Do you wanna come along with me?

* Grab your board and run to your gun *

(MAN ON TAPE SPEAKING GERMAN)

A pen.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

A pen.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

A table.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

A table.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

The pen is on the table.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

There is sauerkraut in my lederhosen.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

What did he say?

I think we're at the East German checkpoint.

Better have our passports ready.

Now remember, Nick, this is the first time rock music has ever been allowed in this country.

So, you're not just a performer, you're an ambassador representing America.

And above all, remember, we've got to play by their rules.

Martin, I've been practicing. How's this?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

What does that mean?

"Is your daughter 18?"

(DOOR OPENS)

Your papers, please.

Mr. Nick Rivers.

We've been awaiting the arrival of the famous American singer.

(DOGS BARKING)

SOLDIER: Come here!

Where are they taking him?

They are not taking him anywhere.

(GUN FIRES)

Do not let your American curiosity lead you into trouble, Mr. Rivers.

You are a guest here only because it serves our purposes.

I suggest that during your stay it would be wise to keep to your own affairs.

Good day.

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

What the hell did you say to him? Nothing.

I just told him I put his name on the Montgomery Ward mailing list.

I'm sorry. He's just a little tired from the trip.

Normally, he wouldn't have said...

Your attitude is being noted, Mr. Rivers.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

If that was your idea of being an ambassador, we're headed for a lot of trouble.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(MAN ON PA ANNOUNCING IN GERMAN)


(MAN ON TAPE SPEAKING GERMAN)

I want a schnauzer with my Wiener schnitzel.

(TRAIN CHUGGING)

(TRAIN STOPPING)

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

(CAR ENGINE RUNNING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(CAR HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TRAFFIC HONKING)

(MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)


MAN: Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.

Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.

Do you know any good white basketball players?

There are no good white basketball players, my friend.

There was trouble on the Berlin Express.

They knew I was on that train.

We suspect there is a traitor somewhere in the Resistance.

We must proceed, nonetheless. There is too much at stake.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Here, kind sir, smell this flower.

It never fails to amuse at parties.

(CHUCKLES)

That's very good.

The Germans are planning something. Time is running out.

Have you found out where Dr. Flammond is being kept?

Here. This is one of our most popular items.

(CHUCKLING) That's very good, ja.

We do not know where they are keeping Dr. Flammond, only that they are forcing him to build a new weapon.

What are my instructions?

Here. Here. Try this.

This will make you very popular at social gatherings.

Go tonight to the ballet.

Here. Use this ticket.

You will meet the leader of the Resistance, a man known as "The Torch."

Until then, wait at the Howard Johnson's.

It's on the corner of Der Fuehrer Strasse and Goebbels Platzen.

Good luck, kind sir, and God be with you.

Wait.

You dropped your phony dog poo.

What phony dog poo?

Souvenirs, novelties, party tricks.

(IN GERMAN)

(ALL SINGING IN GERMAN)


Driver, why have we stopped here?

This isn't the Howard Johnson's.


(WALTZ PLAYING)


Good evening. A table for two, please.

The name is Rivers.

Ah, yes, Mr. Rivers.

I have it right here. But I'm afraid we require a jacket and tie for the dining room.

If you like, we would be very happy to provide you with one.

Oh, that would be fine.

Jurgen.

This way, sir.

Ah, General Streck, Comrade Biletnikov.

I have your table ready for you.

Very good, Heinz. As you know, Comrade Biletnikov holds a very high rank in the party.

We wish to afford him every courtesy.

But of course, mein General.

Perhaps Comrade Biletnikov would be persuaded to sing for us this evening.

I will take care of it.

Thank you.

MARTIN: Nick, I'm sorry I won't be able to join you for dinner tonight.

I'm coming down with a sore throat, so I've decided to turn in early.

Don't forget. You have to be at the theater at 8:30.

(COUGHING)

This doesn't help at all.

Don't worry about it, Martin.

Go up to your room and get some sleep.

Is there anything you need? No, thanks.

I just wanted to make sure you got those new arrangements.

Oh, yeah. I got them right here.

Oh, by the way, I ordered that '84 Ripple Blanc for you that they recommended.

It's very good. Thanks.


Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?

In women's tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.

Have you heard from Cedric?

Yes, he was just here.

Wait in your hotel room. He will meet you there.

This letter has to be in New York by Tuesday.

Now go. Quickly.

(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

COP: Search this area.


Excuse me. I am sorry, madam, but this evening is only for guests of the cultural festival.

Your Ripple Blanc, sir.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I have explained to you...

(FIZZING)

Jurgen, escort this lady out.

Excuse me, but this lady's with me.

Ah, Mr. Rivers. A thousand pardons, madam.

After you, my dear.

You're just in time.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen you looking so lovely.

Thank you. That was very kind of you.

My pleasure. I was looking for someone to dance with.

You're an American.

That's right.

My uncle was born in America.

Oh, really.

But he was one of the lucky ones.

He managed to escape in a balloon during the Jimmy Carter presidency.

I bet he's got a lot of great stories.

Yes.

He would tell me about all the large houses and expensive cars, and how the young people waste their time watching television and listening to rock-and-roll music.

What's wrong with television?

Not all television. MASH was okay, and the old Mary Tyler Moore Show.

It just seems like the young people of America take freedom for granted.

Now, wait a minute. I don't think you're being fair.

You know, my history class once spent an entire week in Philadelphia.

Maybe so. You can talk about freedom all you want, but still you don't know what it's like to have to fight for it.


Perhaps my lecture was unwarranted.

I am grateful for what you did back there.

Well, you know, I think you'd really like America.

We've got the Liberty Bell, Disneyland on both coasts.

It's happening.

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

I'm sorry. I really don't know any German.

That's all right. I know a little German. He's sitting over there.

(IN GERMAN)

Anything's fine.

(ORDERS IN GERMAN)

Thank you, um...

Hillary.

Hillary. That's an unusual name.

It's a German name. It means "she whose bosoms defy gravity."

Pleased to meet you. My name is Nick.

Nick? What does that mean?

Oh, nothing. My dad thought of it while he was shaving.

Oh.

Are you in some kind of trouble with the police?

Some things are much better left unsaid.

Like what?

Well, you know, sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse, then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something and your hand gushes into it and...

Okay, you're right.

Some things are better left unsaid.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are fortunate to have with us tonight a singer whose great talent is exceeded only by his devotion to his country.

He truly has the gift of song, a golden voice, inspired talent... Is there something wrong?

(SIGHS) ...and a charming personality.

I was afraid something like this might happen.

General Streck of the high command is a most fervent admirer and owns a complete set of his works.

Now, he is a very shy and gentle man, but perhaps we could persuade him to sing for us.

Shall we ask him?

I'd better do what they want. I promised my manager.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, watch the change in the second chorus.

Oh, my God.

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo

* Got a girl named Sue

* She knows just what to do

* Got a girl named Sue

* She knows just what to do

* She knows how to love me Yes, indeed

* Oh boy, you don't know what you do to me

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo


(AUDIENCE GASPS)

* Got a girl named Daisy

* She almost drive me crazy

* Got a girl named Daisy

* She almost drive me crazy

* She rocked me to the East She rocked me to the West

* But she's the girl that I love best

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo *

(FEEDBACK FROM AMPLIFIER)

(WAITER SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SCREAMS)

Cedric!

Cedric, what have they done to you?

It was a trap.

They must have known I was staying at the Howard Johnson's.

But who did this?

Never mind about that.

We've got to rescue your father before it's too late.

But what are we going to do?

I was...

(COUGHING)

...supposed to go to the ballet tonight, meet a man called "The Torch."

(FLUID FLOWING)

Thank you.

He's the leader of the Resistance.

He'll help us find your father.

I'll go.

No, you can't go.

It's too dangerous.

But I must. He'll be tortured.

All right, but be very careful at the ballet.

Where is the ticket?

In the glove compartment.

Can you reach it from the inside?

(HORN HONKING)

How about the other hand?

Oh, no, that's not it. Let me try.

Here it is.

(HORN HONKING)

(THE NUTCRACKER SUITE PLAYING)


(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(ALL GASP)

(CRASHING)

We've got to get out of here.

We oughta wait for the police.

That was the police!

(POLICE WHISTLE BLOWING)

In here!

(GASPS)

Here. We can get out this way.

Wait a minute. First you can explain a few things.

I'm not sure I can.

(TRAFFIC HONKING)

(MICE SQUEAKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

I only know I've put you in great danger.

Please trust me. You must come with me!

Look, I don't know what kind of trouble you're in, (POLICE SHOUTING) but don't worry about me, I'm a guest of the government.

I can explain everything.

You're mistaken. They'll put you...

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Go while you still can. They can't do anything to me.


(CELL DOOR OPENING)

Martin!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I've been here 20 minutes already.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Nick, I tried everything.

The embassy, the German government, the consulate.

I even talked to the UN ambassador.

It's no use.

I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.

Gee, that's a shame, Martin.

Well, have you tried one of these?

Wow. Well, thanks. I'll give it a whirl.

Now listen, Martin. I'm getting a little worried about this place.

I don't think they've ever even heard of a trial.

All I know is after you left the cafe last night, I met a girl.

Then, later at the ballet, she's sitting all alone.

Then all of a sudden I see a guy who has a gun at her head, and he's looking like he's gonna kill her.

And he might have if I hadn't stepped in.

There's gotta be someone you can call that can straighten this mess out.

I figure they gotta let you out for your concert Friday night.

They're beaming it live by satellite to 85 countries.

Now, you just relax. And remember, there's nothing to worry about.

(PRIEST RECITING NONSENSE IN LATIN)


(CHANTING IN PIG LATIN)

(PRIEST CONTINUES RECITING NONSENSE IN LATIN)

PRIEST: Amen.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

We wish to impress upon you, Mr. Rivers, that we have methods of dealing with those who will not cooperate.

Now for the last time, why did you attack Sergeant Kruger?

I didn't know who it was. I just saw him pull a gun on a girl.

Might I remind you, Mr. Rivers, that the penalty for murder is death by firing squad.

Let us hope for your sake that Sgt. Kruger survives.

(PHONE RINGING)

Ja.

It is the hospital, mein General.

What is the condition of Sgt. Kruger?

Yes. I see.

Well, let me know if there's any change in his condition.

He's dead.

I'm afraid you leave me no alternative but to introduce you to two of my associates.

Bruno is almost blind, has to operate wholly by touch.

Klaus is a moron who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.

I believe they never let a man lose consciousness, however long they may work upon him.

You don't scare me.

My manager is on his way right now to the American consulate.

Do not be so sure, Mr. Rivers.

Evidently, your friend did not realize that here in East Germany, we use 220-volt current.

He was found in his hotel room impaled upon a large electrical device.

Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face.

Perhaps the American has chosen to reconsider.

Make sure they leave no marks.

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

Do you know which room the final chemistry exam is in?

All the exams are over. Haven't you been to class?

No! But it's the end of the semester.

No. No, I haven't studied.

Oh, no, I'm back in school.

I can't believe I'm back in school.

(WHIPS LASHING)

Thank God.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well?

They're still working on him.

He won't break. They've tried everything.

Do you want me to bring out the LeRoy Neiman paintings?

No. We cannot risk violating the Geneva Convention.

We'll break him tomorrow.


Who are you? What are you doing here?

My name is Nick Rivers.

Who are you?

I am Dr. Paul Flammond.

I am a prisoner here just like you, my son.

You see, a year ago, I was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process.

So revolutionary, it was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day.

Do you realize what that could mean to the starving nations of the earth?

Wow. They'd have enough salt to last forever.

Then one night, the secret police broke into my house, tore me from my family, ransacked my laboratory, and brought me to this dungeon.

That sucks.

For the first time in my life I am ashamed of being a scientist.

What do you mean?

They are forcing me to create a horrible weapon.

Can't you refuse?

I wish I could, but they are holding my daughter.

They'll kill her unless I complete the Polaris Mine by Sunday.

Sunday? That's Simchas Torah.

And the day the entire NATO submarine fleet passes through the Straits of Gibraltar.

Is this the Polaris Mine?

Yes. By Sunday, I will be able to arm it with a nuclear warhead.

How does it work?

It is a magnetic mine.

So powerful, it will attract itself to submarines miles away.

How about that.

Oh, no!

You must go now. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a load of dead rats in a tampon factory.

Right away!

Von Horst.

Ja, mein General.

The government wishes to avoid an international incident.

Mr. Rivers must be allowed to perform his concert tonight.

He's to be executed this very minute.

It'll have to wait. Call them at once.

Ja, mein General.

(RINGING)

(MAN SHOUTING ORDERS)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

* How silly can you get? Yeah, yeah

* How silly can you get? Ooh, yeah

* I never ever meant to stray But when she looked at me that way

* The night was young and gay Paree made me forget

* I went to Paris in France I found a little romance

* She was a-walkin' down the boulevard

* I know I shoulda been good I never thought that I would

* Be double-crossin', baby Cross my heart

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

* A little rockin' and a little wine

* Stopped me thinking about a little valentine

* What's a lonely boy to do She looked so fine

* How silly can you get? Yeah, yeah

* How silly can you get? Ooh, yeah

* I never ever meant to stray But when she looked at me that way

* The night was young and gay Paree made me forget

* How silly can you get? Yeah, yeah

* How silly can you get? Ooh, yeah

* No more foolin' around, you bet

* How silly can you get?

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

* I can't believe it's true

* That I just met a girl like

* You

(INAUDIBLE)

* Each night I'm all alone

* My heart's an empty home

* To see you standing there would be my only prayer

* You set my heart on fire

* It's burning with desire

* Your touch, your lips, your soul

* You make me lose control Baby, please CHORUS: * Baby, please Baby, please

* Spend this night with me

* I can't believe it's true

* I met a girl like you

* In heaven we would be

* If you would spend this night with me

* If you would spend this night with me

* Darling, I'm here to say

* I pray there'll come a day

* When by my side, you'll stay

* When you, you will always be

* A love that's true to me

(THUDS)

* You set my heart on fire

* It's burning with desire

* Your touch, your lips, your soul

* Mm, you make me lose control Baby, please

* Baby, please * Baby, please, baby, please

* Spend this night with me

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Oh, baby, baby, please. * Baby, please Don't you understand I need you?

I can't live without you.

I'm gonna say something I've never said before.

I even love ya.

Oh, it's just no use. I'm beggin' you, darlin'.

I can't face another day without you.

Oh, honey lamb, I'm afraid.

Don't you understand I'm losing my very mind?

I gotta have you with me.

I'm in such a complete anguish without you.

Oh, sugar drawers.

(SCREAMING)

Baby, I'm standin' at the great abyss of love and I'm teeterin'. * Baby, please, baby, please Oh, dumpling, I promise I'll even be nice to your mama.

* Baby, please

* Spend this night

* With me

* Ooh-wah

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

Those bikes!

(YELLING)

(BIKES NEIGHING)

(POLICE WHISTLES BLOWING)

(POLICEMEN SHOUTING)

That is no excuse. Search the road again.

They're in the eastern sector.

I want the whole area sealed off.

Now, there's a used book store somewhere around here.

The owner is a member of the Resistance.

If we can find him... Resistance? Wait a minute.

Don't you think it's about time you told me what this is all about?

I'm sorry. I guess I do owe you an explanation.

You see, only a year ago I was teaching a course in Black History at the University of Blaupunkt.

And then one night, I came home to find that my father had been arrested by the secret police.

I've been trying to find him ever since.

Wait a minute. That's Dr. Flammond.

I saw him yesterday in Flurgendorf Prison.

Flurgendorf Prison? Is he all right?

Yes, he looks fine.

Thank God he's safe.

We must get this information to the Resistance.

Maybe they can help us.

Okay, let's go.

(URINATING)


There it is.

It's a Swedish bookstore.

(BELL DINGING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SPEAKING ENGLISH BACKWARDS)

(SPEAKING ENGLISH BACKWARDS)


(COUGHS)

(DOG BARKING)

HILLARY: That's okay. Don't feel bad.

It happens to lots of men the first time.

Just relax. I'll pour you a drink.

We can always try again in a couple of hours.

"She said, as she laid down beside him and caressed his chest."

Can you believe they print this trash?

Don't worry about it.

You were going to tell me something about your childhood.

Oh, yes.

When I was just a young girl, my uncle took me on a tropical cruise.

But there was a terrible storm, and the boat sank.

I managed to swim to a deserted island with a young boy named Nigel.

Together, we had to learn to survive.

HILLARY: Fortunately, the ocean provided its bounty which Nigel would catch every day.

Later, I would forage inland for fruit and vegetables from the endless varieties of trees and bushes found all over the island.

Then we busied ourselves, chopping palm fronds and lacing them to bamboo with dried seaweed and snot.

This not only provided us with a safe haven from the rain but sheltered us from the relentless Santa Ana winds, which would periodically ravage the island.

The years passed, and as we grew up we began to notice strange, new feelings awakening within us.

There was no one around to explain this.

We had to learn by ourselves.


Then one day he went fishing.

That was the last I ever saw of Nigel.

I spent months by myself on that island until I was finally rescued by a passing ship.

I'll never forget my feeling of relief.

You can't imagine what it's like to be separated from your family at such a young age.

I think I can.

You see, when I was about six years old, my mama took me on a trip to the city.

We went to one of those big old department stores and I got lost.

They tried to page her, but the PA system was on the fritz.

I never saw my mama again.

People from the cosmetics department fed me a bowl of soup and some bread.

Days stretched into weeks.

One February, they got pretty jammed up during the semiannual Lincoln's Birthday sale, and they asked me to help out in Preteen Maternity.

Then one day I overheard a conversation in Personnel about them needing a new jingle for their radio ad.

So, I picked up my guitar and I wrote down a tune that had been mullin' and creepin' and crawlin' around in my head.

It went something like this.

* Are you lonesome tonight?

* Is your kitchen a sight?

* Is your wardrobe

* All run-down and bare?

* Is your lipstick all smeared?

* Are your stockings not sheer?

* Do they make your legs show all your hair?

* Do the tears on your pillow

* Roll down as you turn?

* Do they short out the blanket

* And make the sheets burn?

* Is your heart filled with pain?

* Will you come back again?

* Shop at Macy's and love me tonight *

Oh, Nick.

(GUITAR CRUNCHING)

(SINGING IN GERMAN)

(HORSE SINGING)

Whoa!

All right, this is it.

I must leave you here.

Go now. Quickly!

(HORSE COUGHING)

HILLARY: Is he all right?

He caught a cold the other day.

He's just a little hoarse. Giddap, Mario. Whoa!

MARIO: * It's been a hard day's night

* And I've been working like a dog

* But when I get home to you... *

Yes?

Is this the potato farm?

Yes. I am Albert Potato. Who are you?

We were sent by Sven Jorgensen.

Come this way.


What do you want?

We want to see The Torch.

No one is allowed to see The Torch.

But we have important information about my father, Dr. Paul Flammond.

We shall see.

Nigel!

NIGEL: Hillary!

It is you.

Oh, my darling Hillary, if only you knew how I've yearned for this day.

Sleepless nights, lonely hours, hoping, praying that once more I would be able to gaze into your ravishing brown eyes.

Who is this I should thank for bringing you back to me?

Oh, Nigel, this is Nick.

Nick Rivers. He is a friend.

Forgive us, Mr. Rivers, if we have been less than hospitable, but recently we've had reason to believe that there is a traitor somewhere in the Resistance.

Du Quois, introduce the American to the men.

Very well.

This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant-garde, and Deja Vu.

Have we not met before, monsieur?

I don't think so.

Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.

(GRUNTS)

(CRUNCHING)

Now, Mr. Rivers, what is the news that you bring us?

I've seen Dr. Flammond in Flurgendorf Prison.

(ALL MURMURING) Flurgendorf prison?

He told me the Polaris Mine will be ready on Sunday.

Sunday?

(CURSING IN FRENCH)

(EXCLAIMS)

We'll have to move out tonight.

I'll be back in a moment, my darling.

Prepare the gear for the jump. Arc de Triomphe!

Cordon bleu.

Nick, I want to explain.

What's there to explain? I just want to say that...

I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a girl in a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to a childhood lover she'd last seen on a deserted island and turned out 15 years later to be leader of the French underground.

I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.

Forget it.

It'll be better for everyone if we forget what's happened.

Mr. Rivers, we've arranged for your safe transportation across the border tonight.

It's the least we can do to show our gratitude.

Come, my darling.

Let me show you what I've done to the fallout shelter.


Do not take it so hard, Nick.

Life is filled with its little miseries.

Each of us, in his own way, must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.

(SNEEZES)

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

(LAUGHING)

Mind if I have a swig of this?

Go right ahead.

(SPITS)

What the hell is this stuff?

Gasoline.

(LAUGHING)

(GULPING)

Don't worry, my darling. I'm sure your friend will get over it.

He seems a good chap, really.

But, Hillary, how wonderful you've returned to me now, when I so desperately need you by my side to fight for the cause.

Our cause.

Oh, Nigel, I am proud of you.

But I'm so confused.

All these years I thought you were dead.

And by all rights, I should be.

I floated at sea for days nearly unconscious.

As luck would have it, I was picked up by a passing freighter.

Of course, I tried to get them to come back to save you too, but it was a foreign ship and they didn't understand English.

I yelled and screamed, but it only seemed to excite them all the more.

They took advantage of me in ways that I cannot describe.

Oh, Nigel. It must have been awful!

Latrine!

(GROANING)

What did you find out, Latrine?

Where are the others?

Oh, we never had a chance.

It was a slaughter.

We must put a stop to these afternoon football games.

Which direction were they coming from?

Up the road.

(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)

Take cover!

Oh, my God. They're gonna kill us all.

(GUNS FIRING)

Here, take this.


(GUN HITTING)

(EXPLOSION)


(MACHINE GUN FIRING)

Grenade!

We're running out of time.

The plane will not wait for us.

We'll have to make a break for it.

Rendezvous at the cafe near the landing field.

Wait.

(CLAMORING)

Nice shooting.

My man!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Good, you've made it. Now everybody's accounted for.

Here's the plan. We'll be taking off at 0100 hours.

What about the American?

A truck will drive by here at exactly midnight.

You will jump on the back and be driven to the border.

Wait. Nick is the only one who knows the inside of that prison.

Well, Monsieur Rivers, it seems that you have become, how do you say, indispensable?

Indispensable.

That's what I thought.

Sorry, fellas. I've done my time in Flurgendorf Prison.

I got a truck to meet.

Nick, you can ask any price you want, but you must help us.

Seems as long as I know my way around that prison, I'll never be lonely.

Nick, I know how you feel about me, but I'm asking you to put your feelings aside for something more important.

Do I have to hear again what a great cause you and Nigel are fighting for?

But this was your cause, too.

My only cause is my music.

That's exactly what I mean.

Didn't you see the eyes of those kids at your concert?

Oh, Nick, you must help us.

If not for me, for the cause of freedom.

Latrine!

A traitor in our midst.

Well done, Latrine.

I see you have dealt with him appropriately.

Not the bird, you fool!

This is a carrier pigeon on its way to German headquarters.

Look. A message.

"Resistance planning to free Flammond

"Sunday, 0800 hours."

That means the traitor is someone at this table.

Excuse me, but aren't you Nick Rivers, the American rock-and-roll star?

No, I'm not.

GIRL: But you must be. Won't you sing us just one song?

I'm sorry. You must have me confused with somebody else.

I'm Mel Torme.

(BOTH GROAN DISAPPOINTEDLY)

That was close.

Perhaps a bit too close.

What do you mean?

We have absolutely no proof that this man is who he claims to be.

And yet we're asking him to lead us into the most heavily guarded prison in Germany.

Why, Nigel, that's absurd.

Just a moment, my darling.

We know he came to us with no credentials.

We know the Germans never knew the location of our headquarters until he arrived.

And we know that we've been infiltrated by a traitor.

Nigel, what are you saying?

How do we know he's not Mel Torme?

Eva, look. He's at the jukebox.

Ja!

(STRAIGHTEN OUT THE RUG PLAYING)

* Well, get out on that floor and hit that rug tonight

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

* Well, get out on that floor and hit that rug tonight

* We're gonna shake that rug till the early, early light

* I said romp and stomp and slide like a devil on a thread

* Yeah, I said romp and stomp

* And slide like a devil on a thread

* Well, stand back, baby, I believe I'm gonna fray my edge

* You gotta straighten the rug

* Yeah, straighten the rug

* You gotta give it a push

* Yeah, give it a shove

* Well, rug cuttin', honey Now, baby, won't you give it a tug

(ALL EXCLAIMING)


* You better watch the mean old rug don't bite you back

(GLASS TINKLING)

* You better watch that mean old rug don't bite you back

* Yeah, I'm tellin' you, baby, it ain't no backdoor mat

* You gotta straighten the rug

* Yeah, straighten it out

* You gotta give it a shove

* Yeah, scream and shout

* Well, rug cuttin', honey, you know what I'm talkin' about

* Well, rug cuttin', honey, come on, let's straighten it out

* And there's nobody

* I'd rather straighten it with

* Than you

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

This is not Mel Torme.


Oh, Nick.

Yes?

We don't know what's going to happen down there.

This may be the last time I'll see you and there's something I wanted to say.

You don't have to say anything.

But I want to.

You must know that when we were together last night I had no idea that Nigel was still alive.

And now that you know?

Nick, his work is so important to him.

I must stay with him.

He pleaded with me not to leave.

I just hope you realize that's all he means to me.

Oh, I don't know what's right any longer.

I only wish I didn't love you so much!

(CRICKET CHIRPING)

(CRICKET STOPS CHIRPING)

(MOOING)

I've spotted the herd. They're the key to the whole plan.

Now, we're here.

Every morning at 7:15, the prison guards bring the cows from here, up this road towards the prison for their morning milking.

Du Quois and I will merge with the herd here, and sneak in through the gate and the electrified fence.

Then we'll break away from the other cows and enter the generator building here.

At exactly 7:25 we cut the power.

Then the rest of you come through here, scale this wall, and Nick can lead you to Flammond's cell.

Meanwhile, Hillary will steal this truck by the railway crossing

(TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING) and pick us up back here.

Then we'll drive to the landing field and the waiting plane.

Let's go.

No, you take the head. I'm taking the back.

But the plan was... Forget the plan.

I'm giving the orders here. Shut up and give me the back half.

All right. Be an asshole.

(MOOING)

DU QUOIS: Here they come.

Okay, let's move out.

(DU QUOIS MOOING)

All right, let's go. Double time.

DU QUOIS: We only have five minutes to get to the circuit box and throw the switch.

We've got to hurry. Can you see the gate?

Yes. It's just ahead. Where are the guards?

(WHIP LASHES) I can only see one.

Ow! GUARD: Ja, there, girl! Move along!

NIGEL: Stay behind the guards.

Once we get around this corner, we'll break away from the herd.

Okay, now!

I think we did it.

Can you see the generator?

Yes, it's over there behind the feed bin.

All right, let's go. We've got to hurry.

(COW MOOING)

DU QUOIS: Mon dieu!

(SUCKLING)

(NIGEL MOANING)

DU QUOIS: Nigel? You okay?

Oh, yeah. Let's go.

What's the hurry?

Why are we always in such a bloody rush?

(MOANING)

I just wanted to stop to take a rest.

(SHUSHES)

The guards have passed.

All right. How long till they cut the power?

Three more minutes and we can cut the wire.


DO QUOIS: There it is.

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTS)

Lovely.

(GROANING)

MOUSSE: You're all right now. I'm here.

Yeah, it's all right.

(GROANING)

Ow!

Hey.

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(MEN GRUNTING)

Here, here.

(GROWLS)

Viva la France!

DU QUOIS: Nigel, what are you doing?

NIGEL: Never you mind.

Why do you want to go back to the meter shed?

We're going to turn the power back on.

But that will set off the alarm. The others will be trapped.

I refuse.

Oh?

(COCKS GUN) This gun in your back says you won't.

Now, move!

So, it is you who is a traitor.

(MOOS)

(THEME FROM JAWS PLAYING)

NIGEL: Don't take it too badly, old boy.

You're no more of a fool than the others.

Now, get over there and pull that...

(SCREAMING)

Dr. Flammond!

Nick. We're taking you out of here.

But my daughter.

Hillary's safe. She's with us.

Thank God.

But how ironic. Another day and I would have completed my tunnel.

Nice work.

(SNEEZES)

Nigel!

Very clever, my darling. Nigel!

You seem to have put the pieces together very nicely, but unfortunately it's too late for you and the others.

But, Nigel, how could you?

It wasn't very difficult.

I could have returned to rescue you from that wretched island, but it would have meant leaving my newfound comrades.

Comrades?

Yes. It was a Russian ship.

They taught me all about you, imperialist swine.

I was exposed to the works of great thinkers.

Karl Marx, Lenin, L. Ron Hubbard, Freddie Laker.

Now, get into the truck. We're going for a ride.

(RINGING)

(MAN SHOUTING IN GERMAN)

Where's the truck? Where's Hillary?

I'm hungry. Du Quois!

What happened?

(GROANING)

Nigel made me go back to the meter shed, ordered me to set off the alarm.

And what does he want us to do now?

Nothing, you numbskull. Nigel's a traitor!

(MACHINE GUNS FIRING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DINGS)

Latrine!

What happened?

Nigel took Hillary in truck.

That way.

I cannot leave the country without my daughter.

I'm going after them. I'll meet you at the landing field.

Whether you make it back or not, that plane must take off with Dr. Flammond at 1800 hours.

We recommend you be there at least 45 minutes before departure, especially at this time of year.

Good luck, Nick.

Let's go.

Good luck.

(KISSING)

FLAMMOND: You've got to hand it to the Germans.

They make great cars.

(MOUSSE LAUGHING)

(HONKING)


(RADIO STATIONS CHANGING)


(GUN FIRES)

(CLATTERING)


(BONANZA PLAYING)

Goodbye.


There's no more time. We've got to take off now.

I will not leave without my daughter.

Listen, old chap. In a few minutes, it'll be dawn.

Then we'll be sitting ducks to their antiaircraft guns.

FLAMMOND: Wait.

There they are!

(EXCLAIMS)

(CRASHING)

Oh, Father, thank God you're safe!

My darling. How I feared I would never see you again.

I am so proud of you, my beloved.

There'll be time to talk on the plane. You'd better hurry.

But I can't go on that plane.

But, Hillary.

No, Father. I'm needed here.

For as long as a single man is forced to cower under the iron fist of oppression, as long as a child cries out in the night or an actor can be elected president, we must continue the struggle.

No, Hillary.

It is much too dangerous for you in Germany now.

Yes. Go with Nick. Don't worry about us.

We will hear his music on the Voice of America.

We will hear it in the hearts of the people and in elevators everywhere.

And as long as we do, we know that we are not alone in our fight.

They're right, Hillary.

And when we get to America...

Who knows what will be then.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Things change.

People change. Hairstyles change.

Hillary, I want you to be with me.

Interest rates fluctuate. Who knows?

Don't you want to come with me? If you don't, say so now.

HILLARY: Want?

Want.

More than anything!

Take me with you.

Goodbye, Chocolate Mousse.

I'll never forget you.

Goodbye, Du Quois. Take care of yourself.

Goodbye, Deja Vu.

I'll always remember you.

And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo

* Got a girl named Sue

* She knows just what to do

* Got a girl named Sue

* She knows just what to do

* She knows how to love me Yes, indeed

* Oh boy, you don't know what you do to me

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* Tutti frutti, oh Rudy

* A-Wop-bop-a-loo-bam A-lop-bam-boo *

* How silly can you get? Yeah, yeah

* How silly can you get? Ooh, yeah

* I never ever meant to stray But when she looked at me that way

* The night was young and gay Paree made me forget

* I went to Paris in France I found a little romance

* She was a-walkin' down the boulevard

* I know I shoulda been good I never thought that I would

* Be double-crossin', baby Cross my heart

* A little rockin' and a little wine

* Stopped me thinking about a little valentine

* What's a lonely boy to do She looked so fine *

* Skeet surfin'

* Skeet surfin'

* If everybody had a 12-gauge

* And a surfboard too

* You'd see 'em shootin' and surfin'

* From here to Malibu

* Because it's totally bitchin'

* Ridin' waves to blast the pigeons

* And it's so neat shooting skeet

* While you're riding on the heavies all day

* First wave, don't get tired

* Second wave, aim higher

* Third wave, pull and fire

* Skeet surfin' * It's all right

* First wave, get the knack

* Second wave, pull the trap

* Third wave, how's that?

* I wish they all could be double-barrel

* Wish they all could be double-barrel guns

* Skeet surfin', can't you see?

* Do you wanna come along with me?

* Skeet surfin', can't you see?

* Do you wanna come along with me?

* Skeet surfin', it's all right *

* I can't believe it's true

* I met a girl like you

* In heaven we would be

* If you would spend this night with me

* If you would spend this night with me Darling, I'm here to say I pray there'll come a day When by my side you'll stay And you, you will always be A love that's true to me

* You set my heart on fire

* It's burning with desire

* Your touch, your lips, your soul

* Ooh, you make me lose control

* Baby, please

* Baby, please

* Spend this night with me

* Baby, please

* Spend this night

* With me

* Ooh-wah