Topper (1937) Script

♫ Oh, the old oaken bucket Bucket!

♫ The iron-bound bucket Oh, bucket.

♫ The moss-covered bucket George.

♫ That hangs in the well George!

George, I think it was pretty mean of you to drag us out and leave all our guests flat.

Oh, you didn't drag us out?

Well, I didn't invite them.

You didn't even know them?

Well, they've only been there for three days.

George.

George!

Wait a minute, I'll be back in a minute, honey.

What do you want?

What time is it?

Huh?

I said, where we going?

That isn't what you said before.

♫ Oh, we're going to Wall Street to see Old Man Topper

♫ Iron-bound Topper

♫ That moss-covered Topper

♫ That I promised to meet him at his bank

♫ for the annual meeting of the board of directors

♫ at 10:30 in the morning Too many words, honey.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Well, let's see. It's 10:00 now.

Yep.

And it takes a half an hour to drive in.

Yep.

And the meeting's at 10:30 in the morning.

Mm-hmm.

That leaves 12 hours for for a night of complete rest.

Yes!

Mm-hmm.

So this is how one starts getting a night's rest?

My pet, resting is the sort of thing you've gotta work up to gradually.

Oh, excuse me.

It's very dangerous to rest all of a sudden.

Come on, darling.

Mr. Kerby is here, hurry.

Yes, sir.

Good evening, Mrs. Kerby.

Hello, Joe.

We have a nice big size table for you.

Over there.

Hi, Mac. Hello, George.

How are you, George?

Thank you, Harry.

Good evening, Mrs. Kerby.

Hello, George.


Come on, the music's swell.

What?

I said the music's swell!

Can't hear you, but I love the music.

That's what I said.

May I cut in?


Is this the way in?

Looks like it.

Well, how do we get out?

Honey, you slide in and they carry you out.

Oh, no.

Where I go, you go.

No, hey, wait for me.

Hup!

Don't forget to write.

Gentle George.

Deceitful George.

Yeah!

♫ Old Man Moon wake up now Quiet!

♫ 'Cause I've fallen in love

♫ Go spread the news to all the stars above

♫ Shine for my baby while we're dancing tonight

♫ And fill her tender eyes with love and dynamite Yeah.

Yeah, and look at the time.

Look at the time, the end.

♫ In a bottle of wine

♫ Just do your darnedest to make sure

♫ That she'll be mine Please, Mr. Kerby.

Take your girl home, please.

♫ To keep shining 'til noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon Look, Mr. Kerby, you are my best customer.

And I appreciate that.

Maybe you got no home.

Maybe you don't need sleep.

But me, I have a home and I need to have some sleep!

All right, Tony.

Just one more chorus.

You're telling me the same story for the last hour.

I get-a sick and tired of hearing that song over and over again!

♫ With love or dynamite

♫ Old Man Moon keeps stardust in a bottle of wine

♫ Just do your darnedest to make sure Yes, good night!

Maybe the poor man's tired.

I don't know why he should be tired.

We did all the singing.

♫ And if it's possible to keep shining 'til noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, dear

♫ Old Man Moon Good night Hoagy!

So long, see you next time.

Come on, clean up.

♫ Old Man Moon

♫ Oh, Old Man Moon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir Get in, honey.

♫ Oh, Old Man Moon Ah, Jimmy.

Did we keep you waiting long?

Oh, that's all right.

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon Wilson!

♫ Old Man Wilson Old Man Wilson, that squares us up for the whole week.

Right, Mr. Kerby.

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon

Hey, George, is this 10:30 in the morning?

No, this is Topper's bank.

Oh.

Honey, do me a favor.

What?

Shut my eyes.

I'll shut your mouth.

Good night, my pet.

Good night.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hello. You going to a costume ball?

What do you think this is, an auto camp?

Crosspatch, crosspatch.

C'mon, get out of here now.

You can't sleep here.

I'm not sleeping.

Talk to him about it.

He seems to be doing it all.

Oh, hush, Marion.

Who have you dug up now?

I didn't dig him up.

He dug us up.

Make him go away.

I can't, it's a C-O-P.

C-O-P? Oh!

Tell him we don't want any.

Hey, hey, hey!

Flies.

C'mon, get out of here now. You can't sleep here.

Uh, we're not sleeping, we're waiting.

Waitin' for what?

For the annual meeting of the board of directors of that there bank.

Oh, darn. There's nobody in there.

Maybe they're late.

You see, you can't argue with him.

No, I can't, eh?

Now I wanna tell you something See what you can do with this instead.

Well, of all the Oh!

Temper.


It's three minutes after 8:00, sir.

Oh, all right, Wilkins.

Do you realize that most men don't get chased out of the water like trained seals?

Most men can dawdle in their shower.

You are not most men, sir.

Why can't I be most men?

Because you are Mr. Topper, sir.

And Mrs. Topper insists.

It's four minutes past.

We dress now.

We dress now, yeah.


Good morning, Clara.

Good morning, dear.

You're late.

Oh, better late than never.

Only 44 seconds anyhow.

Can't that fella wait until I tell him what I want?

Because you always have the same thing.

Supposing one morning I were to take a notion to battle a trout... or some oatmeal or something?

Where would we be then?

Don't be silly.

I've taken great pains to arrange your diet properly.

You need sulphur, and eggs have sulphur.

Don't dally, dear.

James tells me you had to run for the train yesterday.

I did; I ran fast too.

I caught the very last step.

The very last step? Outrageous.

What is outrageous about running for a train, dear?

Lots of men do it.

Yes, clerks and bookkeepers who come to the depot in a bus to catch the 7:45.

But for the president of the bank to arrive in a limousine to take the banker's special, and then to run all over the platform like a silly chicken.

I didn't run like a silly chicken.

I ran beautifully.

Besides, you know how you puff when you run.

Of course I puff. Everybody puffs.

You puff yourself, Clara.

I remember that day Cosmo, please.

Don't be vulgar.

Sorry, dear.

And I don't care if you are well-preserved for your age.

You look anything but dignified when you run.

And I won't have you climbing aboard the banker's special all out of breath.

8:42 sir.

Good-bye, dear.

Bye.

Don't run, dear.

It's 8:45, Mr. Topper.


Morning, Mr. Topper.

Morning.

Good morning, Mr. Topper. Good morning.

Good morning, Mr Topper. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

You know, it is a good morning too, isn't it?

I haven't enjoyed it though.

Well, don't you feel all right?

I don't feel all right.

I feel a million years old.

You, old?

Why, you'll never grow old, Mr. Topper.

No? I think you grow younger every year.

I'd rather grow younger every day.

Anything special this morning?

No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.

Did she tell you what I was to eat?

It's all right, I'll remember.

The directors are all waiting in the board room.

All of them?

All except Mr. Kerby.

He promised me faithfully...

He's not here.

I phoned his penthouse and their Long Island place.

Neither of them had been home all night.

I suppose not.

We'll probably have to get a detective to locate him the way we did last year.

If he should turn up, ask him please to come in and sign the minutes at least.

My word!

Fine place to sleep, isn't it?

Gentlemen, we will as usual conduct our annual meeting without the presence of our largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby.

Weather clear, track fast!

I made it!

The meeting will please come to order.

Very gratifying to have you with us, Mr. Kerby.

I will read the annual statement that is ready for publication if approved by this board and you, Mr. Kerby.

Okay, shoot.

Shoot, huh?

"Cash on hand in federal reserve bank

"and due from banks and bankers: $660,220,262

"and 99 cents.

"Bullion abroad and in transit:

$13,202,854 and no cents."

No cents.

I just said that, Mr. Kerby.

So did I.

To continue.

"Acceptances: $47,501,324 and 36 cents.

"Less own acceptances held for investments:

"$7,986,449 and 39 cents.

"Which totals for $39,514,874 and 97 cents."

Just goes to sleep from going to those wild parties.

Then you come here to sleep.

Just hold the car, please.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Get a load of the fur-bearing blond.

Good morning, Mrs. Kerby. Good morning.

If you're looking for your husband Oh no, I know where he is.

In there dummying up the directors' meeting.

But if you happen to see him looking for someone, remind him that it's me, will you?

And tell him where I am.

Oh, my goodness.

She's gone into his private office.

"Lobbies and endorsements and acceptances

"and foreign bills: $3,014,142 and no cents.

"Deposits: $1,709,643,127 and 39 cents.

"Liabilities and endorsements and outstanding checks:

"35,166,883 and 36 cents.

"Total: $1,744,910,010 and 75 cents

♫ The old oaken bucket Yeah!

♫ The iron-bound bucket

"Balance: $2,086,978,810 and 17 cents."

Now, if you gentlemen will agree this report is satisfactory for publication-

It can't be done!

I beg your pardon. I don't understand why it can't be done.

Look, try it.

You try writing your name upside down and backwards without stopping.

Here.

I move we adjourn.

I second the motion.

Aye.

Carried.

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I have a great deal of business on my desk that I wish to attend to at once.

Whew!

Moss-covered bucket!

Write your name backwards.

It can't be done.

No sense.

George Kerby's a nitwit if ever I saw one.

Confound him.

Psst!

Don't "psst" at me.

Go ahead and psst at him.

I think it's cute.

Why, I didn't know you were here.

Oh, don't apologize.

If you're confounding George, I think you're absolutely right.

But you only have to put up with him once a year.

Think of me, I have to live with him.

I guess I love it.

Please don't misunderstand. I like George.

I'm very fond of him.

And he's fond of you too.

In fact, we both are.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, please, no.

Uh, uh, that'll be all, Miss Johnson.

You know, Topper, you were awfully silly not to come to our anniversary party.

It was a swell one.

Laughter for days.

In fact, I think it's- it might be still going on.

I bet it was fun, yeah.

But-But Mrs. -

Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.

She- We had another engagement.

You understand, don't you?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Why don't you stop being a mummy for a few minutes and come to life?

Of course there's nothing wrong in being a mummy if you had any fun in getting that way-

But I- I didn't, you see.

No, I can tell that by the way you're staring at my knees.

Why, I-I never stared at a knee in my life.

That's probably just what's wrong with you.

Of course, I... I suppose I do envy the way you and George do things.

But it would never do for me, for a man in my position.

Then as Mrs. Topper says-

Ah, as Mrs. Topper says.

That's the situation and the box it came in.

Oh, Oh.

Hello, honey.

Never mind. I found her.

She's running the bank.

George, look.

What's the matter with him?

He's old enough to know what's the matter with him.

"Liabilities, no cents, assets. "

Topper, I know just the thing for the two of us.

Where is it?

But something's biting the man, eating him from the inside.

Maybe termites.

What sort of a woman is Mrs. Topper?

Don't tell me. I'll guess.

Is she the horsey type? No.

The tennis type? No.

I know. She's the kin type.

Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes, tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.

Well, to a certain extent, yes.

Where do you keep it?

Keep what?

The bottle.

Don't tell me there isn't a bottle here?

Of course there isn't a bottle.

This is a business office.

Business is all right, but don't you think that's carrying business too far?

Come on Marion, let's roll.

I don't wanna leave Topper.

Somehow I feel if I could pull him apart, I could put him together again and he'd work much better.

Catch.

Topper, take my advice.

Don't let her make a guinea pig out of you.

You'll never be the same again.

So long.

Hmm. Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm ready, Mr. Topper.

Hmm. Yes, yes.

A.H. Greg & Company, 80 Milk Street, Boston, Mass.

Dear sir, yours is the ninth received and...

Fascinating woman, Marion Kerby, isn't she?

She reminds me of an Easter egg I had as a small boy.

An Easter egg?

Mm-hmm.

One of those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole in it.

You looked through and saw an angel.

I wonder why Marion Kerby reminds me of an angel.

Uh, yes, where were we?

Maybe we'd better start over.

The angel was a blond too.

You're driving us crazy way out here.

I mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.

We could be at the apartment sleeping our ears off.

The apartment's too close to that bank.

It's in the same city.

Why do you pick on the bank?

It doesn't pick on you.

No, but that stuffed egg that runs it does.

Stuffed eggs, I love 'em.

You never know what's in 'em till you take a bite.

Take a bite out of Topper for me once and crack your teeth.

Why do you love him so?

Because he bores me stiff.

He's like an unsuccessful sheep.

Oh, don't say that.

Topper has very interesting possibilities, maybe.

Well, so does a sheep.

It can be chopped or hash or soup.

Hash, Topper.

That fits, doesn't it, George?

Offhand, I'd say, what are you talking about?

Hash, Topper.

You know, all mixed up.

All he needs is a little straightening out, and I can do it to him, can't I George?

Yeah, listen, the last time you tried straightening a guy out, you cost me 10 grand.

Not this time, my foot's down.

If you ask me, I'd say it was down too far.

I nearly skinned my eyebrows on the trees that time.

My pet, if you were driving the car, there wouldn't be any trees.

You'd have plowed 'em up.

You remember what happened to the last car we had?

Sure, you drove it into a meat market.

No, the one before that.

Well, I can't remember that far back.

George, look out.

What? There's something in my eye.

Something in your eye?

Be careful! Look out!

You'll never make it, George!

Oh, boy.

I guess I'll never hear the last of this.

Oh, look at my car.

Look at my hat.

And I got a run in my stockings.

Look at that.

I told you to slow up, but would you?

Oh, no.

Can I help it if a tire blows out?

Besides, I had something in my eye.

Couldn't have been your driving, could it?

I've come around that curve much faster lots of times.

So have you.

It was such a lovely car too.

Oh, George!

Hmm?

You're getting transparent.

You're fading.

Say, that's funny.

I can see through you too.

Say... who's that?

That's us. You know something, George?

I think we're dead.

I think you're right.

It's funny, I don't feel any different.

No, neither do I.

Now I wonder what happens.

I don't know.

I suppose pretty soon we'll hear trumpets, and then off we go.

I hope we go together, honey.

So do I.

No trumpets.

No, no trumpets.

Marion, what do you suppose is the conventional thing to do now?

I don't know.

We've never been conventional.

I think we tell someone our good deeds, and then they open up the beautiful gates and let us through.

Yes, but what good deeds have you done?

Oh, dozens.

Name one.

Well, I've, uh...

Mm-hmm. I've, uh...

Hey, what good deeds have you done?

Well, I...

At least we haven't done any bad ones, honey.

Yes, but that's not enough, and I'm afraid it's too late now.

Yes.

And I'm afraid that for once in our, uh-

Well, for once, we're stuck.

George, maybe not.

Hmm?

Maybe if we could do a good deed now, and-

Oh, George!

You're fading.

Didn't you think the lamb was especially good?

Yes, of course it was good.

Why must we always have lamb on Sundays?

You like lamb, don't you?

Yes, I like it, but couldn't we have it on some other day?

Say Tuesday or Thursday.

We have beef on Tuesday and boiled vegetables on Thursday.

Oh, sparrows!

Why do you use that silly word?

Because you won't let me swear like a gentleman.

Cosmo, what has come over you lately?

You've been acting so strange and moody.

Not at all like your usual self.

I don't know.

Ever since the Kerby tragedy, I've been thinking.

Clara, life is so very short, and we get so very little out of it.

Don't you realize, we're middle age?

But why should we be middle age?

After all, we're not so very much older than the Kerbys were.

And look how carefree they were, how full of life.

I can hardly realize they've gone.

Poor George.

Poor Marion.

Poor Marion?

Of course, I never saw her, but from what I've heard of her, she never thought of anything in her whole life except how to paint her pretty face and wag her figure about.

Oh, yes, she did.

She used to think about me.

Oh, don't be foolish.

I shudder to think what kind of a ninny you'd make if you didn't have me to stop you.

There's a man outside, sir.

He wishes to see you about a contraption he's brought with him.

Oh, yes.

Well, here she is, Mr. Topper.

Just as good as the day she was bought.

I've got a list of the things I've done to her.

Mm-hmm.

Now, you see here, I put in a brand-new front axle.

No use trying to repair them things.

Well, she's something, isn't it?

How much you think we could sell it for?

Well, it's pretty hard to tell, Mr. Topper.

It ain't like trying to sell just any car.

You gotta find the right party.

You mean, someone who hasn't heard of the wreck.

Yeah, that too.

Some people are superstitious.

I mean, somebody who will fit it, kind of.

What do you mean, fit it?

Well, like, uh...

Well, take yourself.

You could never own a car like this.

No, I suppose not.

Why couldn't I?

Well, uh, for one thing, the missus, she don't care for anything flashy, does she?

Mrs. Topper runs the household, and very efficiently too.

But when it comes to buying cars-

Of course I never wanted to buy a car like this, but...

if I did want to buy a car like this, I'd, uh...

I'd buy a car like this.

How do I look?

Oh, you look swell, Mr. Topper.

You bet I do.

I fit it too.

Fit it just like a kid glove, you know.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Cosmo!

What are you doing in that horrible contrap... that horrible thing?

Sitting in it, dear.

Just sitting.

Just sitting?

You look like a whatnot.

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of buying it.

Buying it?

Buying that circus wagon?

Well, of all the absurd.

Cosmo, you must be dithering.

I thought it'd be fun to drive my own car, weekends, anyways.

Of course, I suppose you're old enough to know your own mind, but-

Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again.

We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I.

Stop at a roadhouse, and dinner and dance-

Drive in that?

You're asking me to drive in a car that looks like a painted Jezebel?

And drive in it to a roadhouse?

Why, it would be like going to the opera in my nightgown.

Painted Jezebel, eh?

So I'm a ditherer.

Well, I'm jolly well gonna dither then.


Would you mind getting off my wife's lap?

Who said that?

Olley, olley, oxen free.

Stop it, my nerves are jumpy enough already.

Where are you?

Hey, get off my foot.

Who are you? Where are you?

I'm in no mood for this sort of thing.

Come out in the open where I can see you.

Toppy doesn't know us.

Toppy doesn't know us.

Mrs. Kerby, may I present Mr. Topper.

How do you do, Mr. Topper?

How-How-How do you do?

And this is Mr. Kerby, Mr. Topper.

Uh, how-how do you-

George and Marion Kerby?

Why... It can't be.

It- It mustn't be.

It is.

Oh, dear, dear.

Topper's fainted.

Get some water, Marion.

Water.

Come on, Topper.

Oh!

Oh, that's fine, you're a great help.

My hat!

Oh, no, no, it can't be.

It- No, no, no-

I'm gonna get in my car and drive home.

No, Topper. Sit down, Topper.

You can't get in your car and drive home because you've got a flat tire.

Besides, it isn't your car. It's ours.

I'll walk. You can have the car.

Mrs. Topper doesn't like the horrible thing anyway.

George, did you hear that?

Mrs. Topper doesn't like the car.

Our good deed. Let's get to work on him.

What do you mean get to work on him?

Never mind Topper.

Why doesn't Mrs. Topper like the car?

She just plain doesn't like it.

That's all she often does, plain doesn't like things.

What kind of talk is that Topper?

She just plain doesn't like things.

I refuse to say another word.

I'm probably talking to myself anyway.

Well, like that.

We find you fainting all over the place.

We nurse you back to health, and still you're complaining.

I want to go home!

No, Topper, you can't go home.

Besides, George has to change the tire.

And he's very good at it too.

Go ahead, honey.

All right, I'll change the tire.

But I'll be darned if I'm gonna waste any ectoplasm doing it.

You see, Toppy, we only have a certain amount of ectoplasm to use to get visible.

Naturally, we can't waste it, can we?

Of course not, no.


No, I- I wish someone would wake me up.

Now, now, Toppy, I won't bite you.

C'mon, let's sit over there by the tree and be comfortable.

We might as well be comfortable while George works, don't you think so?

Come on.

You sit there and I'll relax here.

You know, Toppy, you're a funny little fellow.

You intrigue me.

Why did you happen to buy our car?

I bought it because I was mad.

Who at?

Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

Toppy had a fight with Mrs. Toppy.

I did not!

Come on, tell the girlfriend all about it.

What girlfriend?

Yours. Me.

Say, you don't mind if I save my energy and just become nothing for a while, do you?

I don't suppose I do.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Dematerializing.

Watch. It works like a zipper.

Zip!

Marion! Marion, where are you?

Right here.

What? Oh.

Well, make a noise every now and then, will you, so that I'll know where I'm talking to?

Okay, I'll do this.

Yes, fine.

Now, go on.

Tell me about buying the car.

Oh, well, I just decided I'd buy it, you know.

I had an awful time with it at first, because I was going along and then a great big truck came along and chased me off the road.

And then I was just getting over that when a huge bus came along and chased me off the side of the hill like.

Hey, watch out!

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Well, then, then I was going along peacefully, you know, and suddenly, bam!

I was slapped by a...

Just explaining something to a friend of mine.

Is it my fault that there's no one here?

Quiet.

♫ The iron-bound bucket

♫ The moss-covered bucket

♫ That hangs in the well

Hey, Marion!

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I've got an idea.

When George has an idea, it is, generally speaking, an idea.

Bring Topper along.

We'll go places.

I don't want to go places.

I've been to places, lots of places.

Really, I have.

Oh, but not with us.

It's different when you go places with us.

Bring him along, Marion!

We gotta have him.

He's our good deed.

Come on, Toppy.

You drive, George.

I'll sit in the middle.

Come on, Topper, get in.

Don't you think I better drive?

It'd look so crazy to other people if you drive.

Oh now, come on. Don't be a mess, get in.

Close your door, Topper.


Look out!

What's the matter with you?

There was no one driving that car.

Oh, you're crazy.

I'm not crazy.

I know what I saw.

The car was driving itself.

If you ask me, so was this one.

All right, I'll prove it for you.

Well, you'll have to!

I wish you'd stop this nonsense and let yourselves be seen, or let me drive.

Okay.

Slide over.

Now what have you got to say?

I know when I'm licked.

Where am I taking you?

You're not taking us.

We're taking you.

Marion, it's bad enough just being in the car with you two the way you are.

Well, the way you aren't.

Where are we going?

Well, unless you rented it to someone, we're going to our penthouse.

Heavens! No, I haven't rented it.

And we can have a drink.

George hasn't had a drink in days.

He looks much better than he used to, don't you think?

How in heaven's name should I know?

Hey, stop pushing.

Don't push me!

I didn't push you.

And if I did push you, what of it?

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

Like those crazy Kerbys.

Crazy Kerbys, huh?

Wise guy, eh?

I wish you'd do something about yourselves.

You have no idea how annoying it is to be out with someone and you don't know where they are.

Okay, my friend, anything to oblige.

Here we are, Topper. The Kerby Kennel.

Barking, howling and biting permissible.

Come in.

Where's Marion?

Gone to her room, I guess. You know how women are.

When they get home, they like to change clothes, mess around, blither, blither.

You drink?

I did once, but it wasn't much fun.

Nobody noticed it.

It made me dizzy and I had to keep one eye shut.

Oh, well, you had the floats.

I like 'em.

Make you feel nice and goofy.

Maybe I do need a drink.

Maybe I've needed a drink all these years and haven't known it.

There we are, hold it.

Topper, my pet.

Thank you.

My wife objects to drinking.

Then she shouldn't drink.

She doesn't.

Then what's her objections?

If my wife were to walk in here right now, I'd have to speak to her very sharply in order to keep her from making a row.

Speak to her?

Yes, I've never beaten her.

Not yet, I haven't.

Oh.

Open the other bottle.

Crazy Kerbys, eh?

Plush pup!


Thanks, George. Mm-hmm.

Do you feel like dancing?

Do I feel like what?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Dancing and singing and...

Say that again.

Well, George, dancing, singing.

Tra-la-la, tra-la-la With a hey, nonny-nonny and a whoo-whoo-whoo...

Relax, Topper, relax.

Take a drink.

Stop fidgeting.

Oh.

Do you mind if I just sat here and sort of sneak a little dance... with my feet?

Cut it out. Cut it out, will ya?

What if I just sat quietly here and felt like dancing?

That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Look, what is this dancing complex?

Look here, would you mind if I just got up and danced a roundabout on my tiptoes?

All right. All right, if you must.

Go ahead, but take it easy.

Toppy, I think you got something there.

Hit it. Truck on down, Toppy.

Now that's how I dance.

How do you like it?

Yes, I thought that was pretty bad.

I'm glad you like my dancing, George.

I think I could learn how to live after all, you know.

I can drink, all right.

And I can dance fine.

Now, about singing, hmm.

Let's sing a little, huh?

Yes, that's a good idea.

Let's sing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, there she is, George.

Where?

Topper, you look like an owl.

Come here, George. Huh?

I'm afraid I must ask you to request your wife not to talk about me anymore.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Use your influence.

If you haven't any, beat her.

Come on down, Marion.

All right.

Alley!

Oop.

Ta-rah Topper, you did that on purpose.

Nice going.

I'm dreadfully sorry George.

I forgive you, Topper.

Nice forgiving too.

Can we dance now?

Why certainly, that's what I got off my perch for.

♫ Oh, the moss-covered-

♫ Hangs in the well It's a fine thing, trying to steal my wife, eh?

Why, I wouldn't think of such a thing, I don't think.

Ah, Topper, I'm disappointed in you.

Say, if I'm in the way, you folks can leave.

Oh, not at all.

Mighty nice of you to let me stay around.

What's biting you?

You're not getting jealous, are you?

No, no, just getting careful.

Say, listen. What?

All I'm trying to do is to complete our little experiment.

Yes, well, I don't know if I like it.

Well, that's too bad.

Grab a look at your little experiment now.

We're really not being very fair to him.

I don't think he knows how to drink.

But he only had a couple glasses of wine.

But I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life.

Poor Topper. Poor Topper.

Poor Topper.

You keep out of this.

Say, George, you know something?

What?

I think fate sent him to us.

I think we ought to send him right back.

Oh, no, he looks like our last chance at a good deed.

That's how he looks to you.

Well, look at him.

His whole soul is crying out for self-expression.

Is that so?

Is that the way a soul looks when it's crying out for self-expression?

Maybe, maybe Topper's soul.

Anyway, all he needs is a little encouragement from us.

Yes dear, well if you really wanna do him a good deed, get him some bromo while I go change my clothes.

Hold down the fort, honey, while I dissolve into a suit.

George, where is it?

Huh? Where's what?

Where?

Where what?

The bromo, you know.

Well, then give him some.

Then he'll just have to have aspirin instead.

Oh, never mind, let it go.

I'll be down in a minute.

It moved.

We're fresh out of bromo.

All right then, put on your bonnet.

We'll go down to the drugstore and get him some.

Come on, Topper.

Easy Topper, mm-hmm.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Dear, dear.

Marion, come and hold him here while I get my hat.

All right.

Oh, George, quick!

Trying to get away, huh?

Come on, Topper.

Don't drop him or he'll splash.

Now, now, Toppy, relax, relax.

Take it easy.

Oop! There he goes again.

Upsa-daisy, Toppy.

Say, George.

We can't go down the lobby like this.

We'll cause a riot. Fade.

Okay. Don't teeter, Topper.


For heaven's sake!

What's the matter with that man?

Why- Why- Why doesn't he fall?

What's the idea of stealing my elevator?

We haven't got your elevator, silly.

Huh?

I never wear them.

What do you mean by insulting a guest?

Well, he was...

You're fired!

Thank you, Toppy.

I've got a beehive in my stomach, but don't mention it.

There's the bud now.

Ask him what make she is.

Yeah, she's a beaut.

So that's the babe you've been talking about.

Boy, for my go, she'd be a cinch to handle.

No gentlemen would talk about a lady like that, and I demand an apology.

You gonna, apologize?

Ah, you're daffy.

Why, you!


Hey, there's the little creep now!

Let's get him!

What's going on here?

One at a time.

One at a time!

Now, who hit who?

He hit us!

Oh, he hit us?

Yeah!

One man attacking the whole gang?

Well he started it, but the other two helped him.

What other two? Where are they?

In there.

Now don't try to be funny!

You, what happened?

Well that's right, Officer.

He started it, then his two friends jumped in.

What two friends? Where are they?

They got in there.

Then the other two jumped out of the car and started slugging me from behind!

Hold on now, wait a minute!

Now then, what other two?

Holy cats! They're gone!

All right, all right!

Now look, mister, maybe you can tell me what happened.

Me? Yeah.

I wanna sing.

This one wants to sing.

All right, Danny.

Come on, let's take 'em all in.

Sit down there.

People v. Cosmo Topper.

Say, were you guys in the same fight with him?

I'll say we were.

Who is he?

He's a big-shot banker from Wall Street.

What'd he do?

For no reason, he hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser.

You're charged of being drunk and disorderly, attacking a peaceful citizen, and inciting a riot.

I'll tidy you up a little.

Brush him off, George, while I fix his hanky.

Okay.

There are four serious-

Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor.

It sometimes gets the better of me.

There are four serious charges here, Mr. Topper.

I presume you wish to plead not guilty and tell your side of the story.

On the contrary, Your Honor, I wish to plead guilty and get it over with.

Well, in that case, you leave me no alternative except to fine you $100.

Why, that's outrageous!

What's that?

I- I said, where do you pay us?

I mean, where do you pay it?

Right there.

Next case.

But the dame, wow!

A dame?

What did she look like?

Who is she?

We don't know, a burlesque queen or something.

Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough.

Next case.

All right, boys, out of the way.


Is everything all right, Wilkins?

I should say, sir, though it's not my place, that everything is quite all wrong.

In fact, I might even go so far as to add that you have become a legend before your time.

Has Mrs. Topper heard about last night?

Mrs. Topper, sir, has read about last night.

It's four minutes past 8:00.

I know, I know. We dress now.

Good morning, dear.

Good morning, Cosmo.

I'm late.

Your egg, sir.

Oh.

Your toast, sir.

Well, I- I mean, go on.

Let's get it over.

Cosmo, I've been a good wife to you.

I've helped you climb to the top in the business world, and I certainly raised you socially.

I married you for better or for worse.

And if you see fit to drag yourself and me in the gutter.

Oh, Clara, please.

Of course, you realize we'll have to face the world without any friends.

No one with any self-respect will ever cross our threshold again.

And you had to pick this particular time too.

Well, I- I don't understand just what you mean... about this particular time.

I had every good reason to believe that the Stuyvesants... were going to ask us to their next big party.

The Stuyvesants. Oh, of course, yeah.

Yes, I know you wanted to be asked there for years.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry, Cosmo.

What's done is done.

And I will do my part to save what little I can from the wreck you've made of our lives.

8:42, sir.

Oh so it is.

Yes, madam?

Is Mrs. Topper home?

Who shall I say is calling please?

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Ruther-

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant?

Oh, come in, madam.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling, madam.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant!

Oh, good gracious, Wilkins, you must be mistaken.

No, madam. Shall I...

Oh, yes, of course.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Well, so you're Mrs. Topper.

I just dropped in to ask you and that delicious husband of yours to come to dinner next Friday night before our little dance.

Why, we- Why, I-

Oh, I do owe you an apology.

I should have called on you years ago, but I didn't know whether you would approve of our little crowd.

Approve? Oh, my dear.

Well, you see, I understood you like to lead a quiet, simple life.

But after reading about Mr. Topper's delightful escapade...

Mrs. Goodrich and Mrs. Simpkins.

Well.

Hello, Grace.

I saw your car outside and thought I'd just pop in.

We've been so anxious to meet you Mrs. Topper.

I'm sure we must have a great deal in common.

Thank you. I'm sure.

How do you do?

What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must live.

She must have a thrill a minute.

Living with Mr. Topper must be like dancing on dynamite.

My goodness, that's not a very good picture of him.

Well, bless my blond heart.

I never expected Mousy to break out in this kind of a heat wave.

Could I borrow your lipstick?

Sure.

Thank you.

Oh.

Dreaming it up, huh?

Good morning, Mr. Topper.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

No.

Uh, yes, I meant.

Good morning, Mr. Topper.

Good morning.

Good morning!

Good morning.

Well, good morning, Mr. Topper.

Good morning.


What's the matter with you, Miss Johnson?

Stop gaping at me.

I'm not a monster, in spite of the papers.

What's the matter with everybody?

Respectable bankers like J.D., who oughta frown on me, slapped me on the back and asked me if she has a friend.

I- I can't understand it.

Take a letter, please.

Mr. Wilson P. Hemmingway, Buffalo, New York.

Dear sir, Your collateral is satisfactory, and this corporation is prepared to finance your proposition 100%.

It will of course be necessary for you to deposit the bonds with us.

Stop goggling, Miss Johnson.

To resume.

I would suggest that you come to New York at your earliest convenience.

Really, Miss Johnson.

You seem to be staring at my hat as though you thought there was something dreadful the matter with it.

I do.

Yes, well, then I think perhaps you better take the day off... and do whatever you do on your day off.

Perhaps I'd better had. Yes.

All right, George, you win.

But I do think you might show a little respect for the bank.

Don't push me!

Where are you?

Marion wants a soda.

Oh. So it's you, Marion.

After all the things you've done to me, you want me to buy you a soda?

Mm-hmm. A chocolate one.

Don't you understand that this is my private office?

But all I want is a chocolate soda with some vanilla ice cream in it.

Why doesn't George buy you one?

'Cause he's wandered off.

Besides, he doesn't like sodas.

And, Toppy, I'm lonely anyway.

Haven't you any friends?

None that I like as well as you.

Don't you do that again, ever!

Supposing George were watching us.

But he isn't.

Well, how do I know he's not?

You'll just have to take my word for it.

Now stop being difficult. Come on.

Here's your hat and here's your stick.

Here are your gloves.

Marion wants a nice... I know.

You want a chocolate soda with vanilla ice cream.

Mm-hmm. Do I get it?

Not for a million dollars.

Oh, so you're gonna be mean?

All right.

I can be just as stubborn as you are.

I won't budge from here.

I know what I'll do. I'll- I'll scream.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I, though?

Help! Oh stop it!

Marion, I'll do anything you like, but don't do that.

All right then, come on.

Shut that door.

You can't go out like that.

What will the people in the office think?

Well, supposing I go out like this?

All right, go on.

Why, shame on you, biting little children.

What's going on here?

Oh, I wanna stop here.

Don't do that, Marion.

You nearly wrecked us.

I'll be out before you can say Jack Robinson.

Only don't say it for a few minutes.

Don't talk, someone will hear you.

Don't look now, Toppy, but there's some lip rouge on your cheek.

Huh?

This is delightful.

You wait here and I'll go and investigate.

Marion, wh-what are you up to now?

Here I am, Toppy.

Oh!

Marion, you-you promised to be good, and now look at you.

Don't you dare go away without me.

Well I didn't see anything unusual, no.

Well, maybe it was the wind.

Maybe you're right.


Cosmo?

Come right in here.

For heaven's sake, what are you doing home at this time of day?

I ran away.

I mean, I thought it would be nice to feel how it would be to be here during the daytime, you know.

I really can't understand these women.

They- But, really.

But women like Mrs. Stuyvesant and Mrs. Goodrich.

Never before have they...

You can forget it if you wanted to.

And if you really cared for me, there are a whole lot of things you could forget about.

Forget? What do you mean, forget?

Well, I know that the newspaper said awful things about me, but you know, I'm not that sort of a man, really.

I'm- I'm just an old faithful dog.

That's all.

Uh-oh.

Old faithful dog?

Cosmo, I can't stand here and let you flaunt your infidelity in my face.

But, Clara Don't speak.

Don't try to explain.

It's all perfectly clear.

But-But-But I bought them for you as a surprise.

A surprise? It's a shock!

No one but a horrid woman would wear a thing like this.

Oh, Cosmo!


Clara, I'm so terribly sorry about those- about those things.

I- please let me in, darling, won't you?

Go away. Go away, wicked old man.

I beg your pardon, sir, but are we packing?

I'm packing.

Are we going away, sir?

I'm going away.

Can't you even look like a human being?

I don't know, sir. I've never tried.

Well, you'd better try.

Now, sir? Why not?

No, better go back to the old way, I think.

Yes, sir.

And when shall I say you'll be back, sir?

Say I don't know. I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know anything.

Say anything that pops into your fat, stupid head.

And lo, the worm turns.

Ah, well.

I thought perhaps a cup of tea would help.

That's very kind of you.

I don't want any tea, Wilkins.

And I won't be down for dinner.

I- I couldn't bear the thought of facing him.

That won't be necessary, madam.

Mr. Topper has gone.

Gone? Gone where?

He didn't know.

He didn't know?

But that's ridiculous.

Nobody can go away and not know where they've gone.

Nobody can.

Wilkins, after all these years, are you trying to be funny?

No, madam.

Mr. Topper went with a suitcase in the contraption.

He's left me.

I'll never see him again.

Oh, no, madam.

He'll come back.

If you'll pardon the liberty, madam, he'll come back just to find out whether you've missed him or not whilst he was away.

They always do.

Of course I'll miss him.

But he mustn't know that, madam.

What difference does it make?

Even if he does come back, I can never hope to hold him.

That woman...

He doesn't want me anymore.

He- He wants these.

Did you say he wanted those, madam?

Yes, I-I did.

Then why not let him have them?

I don't mean just these things.

I mean-

Oh, Wilkins.

He's mad about the sort of creature who- the sort of woman who wears these things.

But, my dear, dear madam, might I suggest that you could so easily be the alluring sort of woman who wears those?

Oh, confound it, madam.

I still say if he wants the pants, let him have them.

Oh! Wilkins!

How dare you!

Wilkins?

Have a bite, Toppy.

Marion!

That's for running away from me.

I'm mad at you.

Well, why don't you go away?

Leave me alone.

Oh, I'm not that mad.

But I ask you, do you think it was very nice to run away from me?

Oh, don't let's talk about it anymore.

I've had enough of it.

I've had enough of everything.

Oh, Toppy, don't be mad at me.

Where are we going? I don't know.

I've left home.

Doesn't matter where I go.

Oh, then I'll tell you what let's do.

Let's go to the Sea Breeze Hotel.

It's right on this road.

Is it? Mm-hmm.

We can swim and play and dance every night.

There's a wonderful orchestra there.

Oh, it'll be fun.

Swim and play and dance every night, eh?

I bet it would-

What am I talking about?

I'm a married man.

I can't go gallivanting off with a...

Oh, Toppy, you'll be fine.

Well, we won't go.

Look here, Marion, if you're here I'm gonna be very angry.

In fact, I am angry now.

I won't have you upsetting me all the time.

Of course I'm here.

You didn't suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?

Be careful. Here comes the bellboy.

Take this bag, will you?

Why are you staring at me like-like-like something?

I don't know.

Aren't you the guy that cost me my last job?

Never saw you before in my life.

Hey, did you notice something funny about that guy?

That guy ain't funny.

He ain't even human.

Then I'll take charge of this.

Call for Miss White, please.

Calling Miss White.

How do you do?

We have a nice room on the third floor.

Third floor, that'll do very nice, I'll take any floor.

Take this gentleman to 314.

Yes sir. This way.

Did you see what I saw?

Did I see what, Sherlock?

Nothin'.

Are you always this anxious at getting a hotel room?

I have a reason for being anxious to get into this room in a hurry.

Well, I have a reason to get out of this room in a hurry.

Come on, let me out. Go on.

Here. Wait a minute.

Here, go on, get out. I wanna shut the door.

What's wrong with you?

Between you and that guy in 314, you'll excuse me if I go nuts.


Marion.

Marion, oh, I do hope it isn't you.

What did you say?

I can't hear with this water running.

I said come out from under my shower!

No use, I can't understand a word you're saying.

Stop it, Marion.

We're being watched.

I wish you'd fly out a window and leave me alone.

Oh, Marion, confound it.

Use your common sense.

I've already used my common sense.

I've ordered cocktails.

And you'd better jump in the shower and get yourself pretty.

I wouldn't change my tie with you in the room.

Oh, Toppy, don't worry about me.

Get into your dinner clothes.

You're not dressed, are you?

Yes, I am dressed.

Well, get so that I can see you, so that I can keep track of you.

How's this?

You didn't have this on under the shower, did you?

No, but I just decided to be dressed, and here I am.

Now you get dressed, and hurry up.

All right, you sit here where I can see you.

And what am I supposed to do, twiddle my thumbs?

Mr. Topper home?

Mr. Topper's not at home, sir.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir.

Why shouldn't I be sure?

I just wondered.

You look to me like the kind of fellow who might not be sure.

Mr. Topper is not at home, sir.

That's what I said.

Wilkins, what is the matter?

Oh.

Mrs. Topper?

Mrs. Topper, where's that mouse of a husband of yours?

Mouse?

Shall I eject this person, madam?

Yes.

Well, no.

Uh, listen, smiley, you stay out of this.

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for that goofy husband of yours.

I beg your pardon, sir, but I must ask you to be a little more careful with your language in front of Mrs. Topper.

Otherwise, I shall put the slug on you.

No, no. Don't be athletic.

Where's your husband?

Where's your husband, Mrs. Topper?

I don't know.

Mr. Topper's gone away.

Yes, well, that's just what I thought.

What do you mean?

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for my wife, and I've got a certain sneaking suspicion that if I find Topper, I'm gonna find her too!

You mean she might be with Cosmo?

Yes, well, it's just possible.

Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?

'Cause I've got the jitters.

I'm sorry, but we've never had any stimulants in the house.

That's a fine thing.

Why don't you have a snort in the house for the poor man, instead of lamb on Sunday, stew on Monday, beef on Wednesday?

Why don't you go out dancing with him occasionally?

Then he wouldn't have left you.

I suppose you're right.

Well, it's too late now.

Oh, dear. Please go, sir.

You're breaking the madam's heart.

Yeah.

Well, if I find Topper, I'll break his neck.

And believe me, I'll find him!

He's very handsome, isn't he?

Mrs. Topper!

Get me an aspirin.

Why, of course.

Wilkins, I'm not supposed to be the butler, you are.

So I am.

I'll get the aspirin myself.

Come in.

Marion, get out of yourself.

Quick someone's coming.

That's right.

Come in.

What are you gaping at?

Can I hear you say come in again?

Don't be impertinent.

Put those things down there.

Well, hurry up. Hurry up.

Oh, get out!

Can't you look where I'm going?

Yes, sir.

So what's eatin' you?

The next time I go to 314, I'm not going.

314?

Yeah, the guy's spooky.

I just brought him four cocktails.

Four cocktails at one time for one guy?

Well, one guy and two voices.

What do you mean, two voices?

Well, first he goes way down low like this.

Then he talks way up high like a dame.

Talks way up-

Talks way up high like a dame?

Well, get downstairs and get the manager.

Get him up here right away.

He don't need a manager.

He needs a straitjacket.

Hurry up.

Well?

Don't scare me like that.

You know I'm a bundle of nerves when I'm on duty.

You sent for me, Casey.

Yes, and I'm glad you finally got here.

Why? What's wrong?

Hey, you see, the guy... Quiet.

I'm in charge here.

Don't you understand?

He's got a woman in there, and she's not registered.

I'll attend to this.

Who is it?

I'm the hotel manager.

Please open this door at once.

Vanish.

I'm sorry, sir, but I shall have to ask you and, uh, the lady to give up your room.

The lady?

What lady?

What lady?

Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette.

Yes, I cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning.

Cut your tongue? Mm-hmm.

Listen, don't try to kid us.

There's a woman in here, we heard her.

She's gone.

Casey, you're a fool.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper, to have caused you this embarrassment.

I- I hope you'll accept my apology.

Oh, but think nothing of it.

Promise me you'll think nothing of it.

You have no idea how badly I should feel if you didn't promise me you were going to think nothing of it.

Well, I am sorry.

I hope you'll accept my humble apology.

Why, it's a deal.

I guess I'm sorry too.

Cuckoo!

Uh, m-me too.

Get out of here, you moron.

House detective, eh?

A fine hash you've made of things.

Now don't tell me that you hear two people laughing.

Another mistake like this and you'll be fired.

Now, watch yourself.

Come on, Toppy. I'm hungry.

Let's go down to dinner.

On an empty stomach?

I want some more pink ladies.

I'll get you some more pink ladies.

Come on.

It's a good thing no one saw us coming out of my room.

Why, Toppy, I think we look lovely.

We're the best dressed couple in this hallway.

Well, let's- let's pretend we're not together.


Thanks Toppy. Mm-hmm.

You know, Marion, you're positively beautiful.

Yes, I might almost say you were gorgeous.

I will say it.

You are gorgeous.

I think you're gorgeous too, darling.

Oh, captain, bring the wine list.

We don't want a wine list.

We want a flock more of pink ladies.

That's right, bring a lot of pink ladies.

And go on bringing them, on and on.

Yes, sir.

Yeah!

♫ Old Man Moon Wake up now

♫ 'Cause I've fallen in love

♫ Yeah!

♫ Go spread the news

♫ To all the stars above

♫ Shine for my baby

♫ while we're dancin' tonight I wanna dance.

I thought we wanted to drink.

Mm-hmm. I do, I wanna drink, I wanna dance, I wanna sing.

I wanna-

I wanna have fun.

Whee! Whoo-hoo!

Come on! Let's dance.

♫ And if it's possible

♫ Keep shinin' till noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon wake up now

♫ Because I've fallen so deep in love My, this is fun.

Well, I'm glad one of us is enjoying it.

Oh, I say, huh? Oh, no.

Don't listen to me. I really like it a lot.

And I like you a lot too.

Toppy, are you falling in love with me?

I tell you, I'm just that way about you.

Just that way about my wife, huh?

Listen, Marion, what did you mean by that remark on the telephone?

We're not married anymore.

Come here, I want to talk to you.

Hey, listen, what are you so burned up about?

What about you up in Westchester?

No, don't change the subject.

What did you mean by that remark?

You'll pardon us, but this is just an old family after-dinner custom.

Now, listen, Marion Oh, George, you're ruining our good evening.

Here, have a pink lady.

Oh, I've had a pink lady.

And to places with a good deed.

I'd rather have you.

Of course, of course.

You stay out of this.

Never mind, Toppy.

I'll meet you in the lobby.

What's wrong here?

You are. Take a walk.

You can't talk that way to me.

Shut up!

She's right.

That's enough out of you.

See here, young la-

Where did she go to?

Never mind, you stay here like a good little pelican, and I'll find her.

Hey, where are you?

Where'd you go to?

Where are ya, either one of ya?

Why don't you watch what you're doing!

I didn't do anything.

Well, then watch yourself.

Well, I've got enough to worry about.

What happened? I-

Stop pushing me!

I'll not stop pushing you because I didn't push you!

Ohh!

Topper, you're going home to your wife where you belong.

George, I won't be ordered about.

You're going home!

I am not.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, you naughty boy, to tickle me like that.

What?

Well, my husband will put a stop to this.

I wish he would, really.

Where are you going?

I quit.

That guy from 314 is too much for me.

Don't be silly.

I'll have this rumpus straightened out before I can bat an eye.

You just stand here and bat your eyes.

I'm going out and get a nice quiet job in a nut factory.

Sit down, Topper.

I wanna talk to you.

I won't sit down!

Oh, yes, you will.

No, I will not.

Something a little odd about this hotel, don't you think?

I'm having a little chair trouble, but you pay no attention to it.

I'm, uh- I'm reading.

Where's Casey?

I don't know.

He wouldn't be any help anyway.

Well, you go call the police before the whole hotel's wrecked.

George, George, this can't go on.

It's gotta stop.

George.

I beg your pardon. Did you drop this?

Oh!

Why, you- you witch, you!

Casey, get that wild man to my office before we lose every guest in the house.

Right, I'll show him who he thinks we are.

The manager wants to see you instantaneously.

I don't wanna see him.

Now, don't evade the question.

You're gonna see him anyhow.

George?

George.

George!

Uh-huh, I've been looking for you.

What do you say we make up?

Okay, honey.

Hey, you know, this is the best fight we ever had.

But look at poor Toppy.

We've gotta do something about him.

It's practically done.

Get his bag in the car.

All right, darling.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Stop it! You're hurting Rollo!

Take this sack of bones off of me!

Won't somebody help me, please?

So you're the guy that caused all this trouble, huh?

I'm the house detective.

I'm in charge here.

Come on. Get up.

Here, hold this while I go for the cuffs.

Eh, what is this?

It's a dog.

Are you trying to make a sap out of me?

It's too late.

Who said that?

Did you say that?

Of course not.

That's what's wrong here.

There's a phantom something or someone who's wrecking this hotel.

And I want him caught!

A phantom?

Who you trying to kid?

All right, men, surround him!

Surround who?

Who's giving orders here?

You folks watch the door.

Come on, men. Follow me.

All right, men, line up.

We'll rake the room.

Quiet!

Ooh-ga-boo!

Steady, men.

We're closing in on him.

Bread and butter.

Ba-boom! Happy New Year!

There he is!

Ooh! Get off!

Up. Get up!

A fine bunch of cops you are.

I had that guy right where he wanted me, till you crossed him up.

He's gone!

He's gone!

Sergeant, he's gone.

He got into the automobile and drove away, but nobody was driving it.

Oh, there must be an easier way to make a livin' than this.

Stop squirming, Topper.

What's the matter with you?

I can't help it.

Look at that speedometer.

What are you two trying to do, make me like you?

Can't help it, old boy.

I'm scared stiff!

Where are we going?

I'm sorry, Topper, I don't know.

All I know is I've gotta go there, fast!

Slow down! Please slow down!

I said you'd ruin me, and you have.

Now you've done it.

George, Marion, where are you?

Oh.

A fine thing.

Here we are again.

Hmph.

Once more around that curve, I won't have a hat left.

Look at Topper.

Now look here, you two.

But look at me.

I'm just like you now.

Keep your garters on, Toppy.

You'll be all right.

You're just a little unconscious.

Ah, yeah.

You're much too solid, Topper.

I don't think you've become a member of our club yet.

Well, I won't go back. Why not?

I won't do it.

You won't do what?

I won't go back to that silly old routine.

Up at 8:00, bed at 11:00, lamb on Sundays.

I won't do it!

Oh, Topper, don't be foolish.

They won't make you do that again.

I'd rather stay here with you and Marion, even though it is like living on the top of a volcano.

But, Topper, you've gotta go back.

You don't know how much it means to her.

No, I won't.

Topper, you've gotta go back!

Don't you see-

George! Trumpets!

No, no, it isn't trumpets.

It's an ambulance!

Get back, Topper!

No, I don't wanna go.

Well, if I've got to go, I've got to go.

But I'll get up when I feel like it in the morning and I'll have some fun.

Where were we?

You've had an accident, but you're safe at home and you're going to be all right.

Where's-Where's Marion?

I'll call Mrs. Topper right away.

No, not Mrs. Topper.

Marion.

Who's Marion?

Oh. Mm-hmm.

She's probably someone I dreamed about when I was in the ether.

But you didn't have any ether.

Oh, yes, I did.

You'd be surprised.

Your wife is very anxious to see you.

Do you feel able to talk to her?

You would bring that up.

I'm all right.

Go ahead and call her.

Might as well get it over with.

Mr. Topper is conscious and wishes to see you.

Is he really all right?

He's perfectly fine.

Oh!

Madam?

Why, Wilkins!

♫ The old oaken bucket

♫ The iron-bound bucket

♫ The moss-covered bucket

♫ that hangs-

See? Since I quit drinking, no more jitters.

Well, I wish you'd sit down.

You give me the jitters.

What in the world are you trying to do anyway?

Shh quiet, I'm practicing to be an angel.

Some angel you'll make.

Hmm! Nice retorting.

Well, I'm still your little angel, aren't I, honey?

Oh, stop it.

Well, aren't I?

Of course you are.

But don't say aren't I.

Okay, pet.

Ain't I?

Say, I do hope Mrs. Topper doesn't gum up our good deed.

Well, we'll know in a minute.

Oh, darling.

I was so afraid I was going to lose you.

Oh, you can't lose a bad penny like me, you know.

You're not a bad penny.

You're just the dearest, sweetest husband a woman ever had.

Darling, you amaze me.

You look so differently, and you- you act so differently.

I am different.

And I've been praying you'd come back, so I could prove it.

Will you promise not to laugh if I show you something?

I promise.

I'm-I'm too astonished to laugh.

You do understand, don't you?

Oh, darling, I understand.

Why... I love you.

Cosmo.

But I wonder if you knew everything.

If you knew...

I don't want to know anything.

I'm just going to love you, and never question.

So long, Toppy.

We're on our way.

We won't be seeing you anymore, Toppy.

So long.

What was that?

I thought I heard voices.

No, remember, darling, love me and never question.

Bless our happy home.