Topper Takes a Trip (1938) Script

Read all about that sensational divorce case here, judge holds case behind locked doors!

Buy a paper, read all about the Topper divorce case, your daily paper.

Now Mr. Topper the issues in the case are very funny.

During the month of August you registered for the Sea Breeze Hotel with a woman, not Mrs. Topper.

Well, yes, and no.

Mr. Topper once again I ask you, who was the woman with you at the Sea Breeze Hotel?

Marion Kerby.

Marion Kerby, Marion Kerby!

I insist that you stop trying to make a mockery of this trial!

Now he's yelling at me.

Kindly ask your questions in a milder tone.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

You see.

Alright, I'll put it another way.

Was there a woman with you at the Sea Breeze Hotel on August 2nd?

Yes, and no.

Was there or wasn't there?

Well it's very hard to explain, but I could if you would only let me.

Let him answer in his own way.

Thank you, Your Honor.

I'm afraid I can't tell you just exactly what happened because I don't know myself.

It might make everything a little clearer if I started with George and Marion Kerby.

You see it all began that day in June when George and Marion drove back home.

George look out!

There's something in my eye.

Something in your eye?

Be careful, look out, it'll never take us.

(dramatic music)

Oh boy, guess I'll never hear the last of this.

Oh, look at my car.

Look at my hat.

I've got a run in my stocking, I told you to slow up, would you?

Oh no.

Can I help it if a tire blows out?

Besides, I had something in my eye.

Couldn't have been your driving, could it?

I've come around that curve much faster lots of times, so have you.

It was such a lovely car too.

George, you're getting transparent, you're fading.

(soft music)

Say that's funny, I can see through you too.

Say, who's that?

It's us! You know something George?

I think we're dead.

(soft music)

I think you're right.

I hope we go together, honey.

So do I.

(soft music)

Marion, what do you suppose is the conventional thing to do now?

I don't know.

We've never been conventional.

I think we tell someone our good deeds, and then they open up the beautiful gates and let us through.

Yes but, what good deeds have you done?

Oh, dozens.

Name one.

Well I've...

Mm hmm. I've...

What good deeds have you done?

Well I...

At least we haven't done any bad ones, honey.

You know if we could do a good deed now, if we...

Ah George, you're fading.

My trouble really began when I bought the Kerby car.

This was after it was fixed up of course.

My wife objected so there was only one thing to do and I did it, I ran away from home.

It was a big car and I wasn't used to driving such a powerful one.

Naturally, I was somewhat nervous.


(tires screeching)


(tire blow out)

(dramatic music)

(soft music)

Would you mind getting off my wife's lap?

Who said that?

Ollie Ollie, oxen free!

Stop it, my nerves are jumpy enough already.

Where are you?

Would you get off my foot?

Who are you, where are you?

I'm in no mood for this sort of thing.

Toppy doesn't know us Mrs. Kerby, may I present Mr. Topper?

How do you do Mr. Topper?

How do you do?

And this is Mr. Kerby, Mr. Topper.

How do...

George and Marion Kerby, why, it can't be.

It mustn't be.

(whimsical music)

It is.

Oh dear, Topper's fainted, get some water Marion.


Come on, Topper.


Oh, that's fine you're a great help.

My hat.

Oh no, no, no it can't be.

No, no, no, no.

If you don't mind I'm gonna get in my car and drive home.

No, Topper.

Sit down Topper, you can't get in your car and drive home because you got a flat tire.

Besides, it isn't your car, it's ours.

Well, I'll walk you can have the car.

Mrs. Topper doesn't like the horrible thing anyway.

Oh George, did you hear that?


Mrs. Topper doesn't like the car.

Our good deed, let's get to work on him I'm afraid I don't understand it any more than you do.

She called me a good deed or something.

Do you suppose his accident could've effected his mind?

No dear, his past caught up with him.

I request that the witness's testimony be stricken from the record on the grounds that it's incredible.

I object, Your Honor.

My client has a right to his defense, regardless of its credibility.

In my 32 years on the bench, I have never heard such a fantastic concoction of excuses, which the witness dares call a defense.

Court is adjourned until ten o'clock tomorrow morning.

I'll be awfully lonely without you, George.

Gee, I wish you were here.

Same old oak tree, 'member?

But it doesn't seem quite the same without you.

(dog barking)

What's the matter, Atlas?

Where are you?

Uh oh, come on up here.

That's a boy, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you.

I'm the same as you are, I'm not here either.

You feel kind of lost, don't you pup?

I know how you feel 'cause I feel that way without George too.

Something made me come back.

Maybe it was a hunch.


I don't know what it was, I think something must've gone wrong.

Maybe it was my good deed.


Don't be afraid, nothing can hurt you anymore.

I'll take care of you now.

I better get this top up honey, you wait over there under that tree.

I'll get my dress all wet, hurry up.

(soft music)

(dog barking)

Oh honey, hurry up, I don't like it here.

Won't take a minute.

I don't know where you are, doggie but go away, shoo, go away.

Give me that paper.


Oh honey, honey!

Oh honey never mind the top, let's get out of here.

Oh, Topper's too nice a fella to be in trouble.

I'm gonna get him out.

And you're gonna help me.

Come on, try hard.

Oh you can make it, it's a little hard at first but you'll get used to it.


That a boy.

Alright boys, take it easy, take it easy.

I don't care who you are.

This divorce case is being tried privately and no visitors allowed!

So come on boys break it up.

But I'm a friend of Judge Wilson's.

That doesn't make any difference to me.

Nobody gets in here, so come on, get going.

Come on please, break it up.


And now Mrs. Topper, will you tell the court in your own words how Mr. Topper abused you?

Why he did no such thing!

Cosmo never said an unkind word to me in his whole life.

Look at him, poor lamb.

How could you say such unkind things about him?

Your Honor I'm afraid my client is a little beside herself, nervous strain and all.

If you don't mind I'd like to excuse her and call Mrs. Parkhurst to the stand.

Yes, excuse me Judge.

You do solemnly swear that the testimony you may give in the court, now pending before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

I certainly do.

Now Mrs. Parkhurst you've been a friend to both parties in this case, have you not?

I have been, yes.

And is it your opinion that the defendant was ever cruel to his wife?

He certainly was.

Did he ever beat her?

Of course.

Now would you please tell the court in you own way Mrs. Parkhurst just how Mr. Topper humiliated Mrs. Topper?

Well, he was sullen and moody.

He was discourteous and unfriendly.

And very often so insulting to Mrs. Topper and myself and her other friends, that we could hardly restrain ourselves.

Sometimes he would remain away from home on days on end.

With the flimsy excuse that he was fishing, or some such nonsense.

And with a bank full of money, he hardly ever gave her a cent.

It was a case of mental cruelty.

He seemed to resent Mrs. Topper's social friends such as myself, and on several occasions when I endeavored to entertain Mrs. Topper in her own home, he would embarrass her by refusing to be present at the party.

He even humiliated her by asking me to get out!

Sometimes he would remain away from home for days on end, with the flimsy excuse...

You see Topper, I knew you needed me, so here I am.

Well this isn't going to happen again.

It mustn't.

And on several occasions when I endeavored to entertain Mrs. Topper in her own home, he would embarrass her by refusing to be present.

Oh Cosmo, darling.

Oh, oh Cosmo's fainted!

Somebody do something.

Oh, poor dear Cosmo, what happened?

Marion, oh.


But I'm Clara, Cosmo.

(gavel banging) Order, order!

Oh dear he's all mixed up again.

Oh Cosmo, please forgive me, it was all my fault.

I believe you.

Will someone please inform this court exactly what I am supposed to be presiding over?

Your Honor, this cheap trick is just another example of the way this man has trifled with the tender emotions of my client.

Over and over again, he's taken advantage of her trusting nature.

Toppy, you get up and sock that guy in the chin.

Hey, I couldn't do a thing like that here.

Yes you can, get up.


Stop, Marion.

I'm sorry Your Honor, sort of a nervous affliction.

Look out, you'll get hurt.


I object.

Order! Order!

Sorry Your Honor, I can't help it.

No judge would grant a decree in this case, decree denied.

Wait, wait a minute, stop pushing me Marion.

Oh dear.

Oh, now that I've got my divorce from poor Cosmo, I feel so lonesome without him.

But you didn't get your divorce, dear.

Didn't I?

Then what was all this commotion about?

Oh, do I have to divorce him all over again?

Of course Clara, but not here.

We'll go where your husband cannot interfere.

You and I are going to France.

I always get my divorces over there.

Oh Toppy, don't act like a scared rabbit.

Stop running away from me.

Can't you see I'm in trouble?

You've just got to leave me alone.

I've got to see that you're happy.

You can start making me happy by going away and never coming back.

It isn't as easy as all that, come here.

Look Toppy, we're both in trouble.

And I'm not going to leave you until I see you safely back with Mrs. Topper.

Your interference only makes matters worse.

Please go away, can't you see how upset I am?

Oh I'll take care of that.

What we need is a drink, and this looks like the place.

I don't want a drink, and I wouldn't go to a place like this, especially with you.

(upbeat music)

Stop it! Marion, go away!

Don't, no, stop it! Don't, Marion, no, no, stop it.

(laughing) Stop it Marion!

Nice weather we're having for Thursday, isn't it?

Or do you like weather for Thursday?

What are you staring at?

Would you mind going out there and coming in again the way you did?

I'll do it on my way out.

You with the circus or something?

No, but I had an aunt with an elephant act once.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

What'll it be?

I don't think I care for anything, no.

You don't you -

Order a martini.

A martini Martini.

Make it two.

Make it two.

You mean a double martini?

No I mean two, see, I like an extra olive.

I'm very fond of olives.

Marion for heaven sake, don't let him see you drinking that martini.

Oh, I won't let him see me.

Oh yes.

Will that be enough?

I can manage this alright, you run along and make some more.

This drink's on me mister, will you do that again?

Okay, you run along and make some more, will you?

I seem to be getting thirsty, mix a whole new batch of them.

You alright Charlie?

I guess I'm a bit nervous.

Would you mind if I use your telephone, I'd like to call my house and find out where I am.

Go right ahead.

(upbeat music)

Marion, You've got to be more careful, you'll get me into trouble.

(upbeat music)

Why be bald?

Come away from that radio, people are gonna to think.

You too can have a head of luxuriant hair.

Just drop a line or phone.

(soft music)

Marion, stop it please.

(soft music)


I guess I got the wrong number.

That ain't a telephone anyhow, it's a mysterious control box for the radio over there.

It's a new gadget just out, see.

You dial your extension here, and you hear it over there.

Well where are the wires?

There isn't any wires, that's the trick.

See, if you want it loud you dial loud.

(upbeat music)

That makes it loud.

And if you want it soft you dial soft, you got soft.

Anyhow, that telephone don't work.

That's just for the drunks if you want a phone, there's one over there.

(soft music)

Here's how.


Where did you come from?

She's been waiting for me for some time.

Only she just got here.

Anyhow, I'm glad there's really two of you.

Well Toppy, here's to you and my dog.

Oh, don't tell me you brought that dog with you?

Of course, Atlas is here.

Atlas, take a deep breath.

Try hard.

Come on, you can do it.


What's that?

There's a good dog.

What is that?

Hey, how did he get in here?

We don't allow dogs!

He's a very sensitive dog.

Yes, you'll hurt his feelings You hurry up and mix us some more drinks, will you?

Yes, and fix an olive for the dog too.

Come on, Toppy, into a booth.

Hey Charlie, Charlie are you there?

Listen Charlie you better mix them drinks, I'm going out back and lay down.

Whew, I'm hot, hasn't this place any ventilation or is that bad gin?

For the last time, this is the last time, will you please go home?

Just as soon as I get my house.

(phone ringing)

Topper residence.

Wilkins, this is Mr. Topper.

I'm sorry sir, but Mr.Topper isn't at home.

He says Mr. Topper is not at home.

Well isn't he?

Are you sure Wilkins?

I'm positive sir.

Oh, well, Do you know where he is?

I haven't the slightest idea sir.

Just tell him to call me if you find out where I am, hmm.

Thank you Wilkins.

He says he doesn't know where I am.

Course not Toppy, 'cause you're here.


In that case I better tell Wilkins where I am so I can - in case I want to call him back.

Haven't you got any home?

That's just what I'm trying to find out.

Two more martinis.

Two more, Two more.

Then I'm gonna lock up.

Then he's gonna lock up.

Hello Wilkins, Mr. Topper.

I've just informed you sir, Mr. Topper is not at home!

He still insists I'm not there.

He's always right, you know.

Good fellow, Wilkins, I don't know what he'd do without me.

Look here Wilkins, you tell Mr. Topper that I am not at home either, huh.

Let me talk to him.

Hello, Wilkins, this is a friend of Mr. Topper's.

Well if what you say is true madame, Mr. Topper didn't waste much time.

Mr. Topper wants to talk to Mrs. Topper.

That won't be possible, madame.

Mrs. Topper sailed for France with Mrs. Parkhurst four hours ago.

Ah ha, alright thank you.

Thank you for your trouble, Wilkins.

I always had my suspicions about that Mrs. Parkhurst.

Toppy, we got to go to Europe.

Now listen to me, understand this clearly Marion.

There are some things you can make me do, but this time I'm gonna put my foot down.

I shall decide where I go.

Alright, alright, have it your own way.

As long as it's Europe.

Alright, as long as I have it my own way.

Come on, we've got to catch a boat.

Well my passport's in the bank, and I can't get it 'til morning.

Well you're president of the bank, aren't you?

Come on, let's get started.

Yo mean we're both going to Europe?

Sure Toppy, here's your hat, go on to Europe with the lady so I can get some sleep.

Come on.

(whimsical music)

Hurry Toppy, can't you open it?

Yes, it's as easy as one, two, three.

Well then open it.

What's the combination?

One, two, three.

There it is.

I had to have an easy number so I can remember it, in case I forgot.

Would you come inside, make yourself at home?


Atlas, you stay here and guard the door.

What would I have filed my passport under, do you suppose?

Why don't you look under T.

T, what's that stand for?


Oh, oh yes

Funny, he spells his name the same as mine.

Want to see my passport picture?


Oh look, T stands for toy dog too.

Woof, woof.


What happened?

When the door shuts the light goes out.

(whimsical music)


One, two, three got us in.

Well that ought to be easy, three, two, one, ought to get us out.

Give me that match.

Ouch, now I can't see where I burned myself.

(whimsical music)

Steady men!

Give them the tear gas.


I'm sorry I took so long, were you boys waiting to get in?

(choking) Oh hello Eddie Hello, Mr. Topper.

Mr Topper Hello Doug Don't cry boys, I'm only going away for a little while.

I'll come back.


(dog barking)

Get away Atlas, get away.

(dog barking)

Stop pushing me, Marion.

(dog barking)

(upbeat music)

The Baron and I understand perfectly, but this Mrs. Topper, is she going to be difficult?

Difficult, oh, why should she be?

Why I merely suggested coming here to France and she trailed right along.

Tell me more about her, is she pretty?



She has scads of money.


She's pretty.

Then I'll be very happy to entertain Mrs. Topper.

And now Baron, if you invite me to the cocktail lounge I'll buy you a drink.

Oh, with pleasure.

This is all very pleasant, but I'm still in a dither.

You know Nancy, I may have been too harsh with poor Cosmo.

Clara dear, don't you think we might find a more pleasant subject to discuss than your husband?

Yes Mrs. Topper, Mrs. Parkhurst is right, you must relax, you're on a holiday.

You must forget about your unpleasant past.

And from now on I'll see that you enjoy life as it should be lived, Oh Baron, what cute talk.

Oh my dear, don't you feel the feel of the Mediterranean?

The beautiful water, the lovely sun.

Doesn't that do something to you?

Yes, the heat makes my feet hurt.

Oh Baron, Clara was only joking, weren't you dear?

Was I? Was I?

Oh, yes of course.

I think this is rather silly, don't you?

(upbeat music)

(dog barking)

Bad enough on the boat and on the plane, but this is going too far Marion, really.

On top of everything, you had to bring along a dog that isn't even here.

Okay, you just take that leash and whatever's on the end of it and leave me alone.

Why Toppy, after all I've done for you too.

I appreciate all you've done for me Marion, and I'd appreciate it even more if you never did it again.

Get in, Atlas, get in.


Get in, Atlas.

La Hotel San Pierre

How much?

(Speaking French)

For Heaven's sake, stop all this nonsense and tell me what the fare is.

(Speaking French)

Stop making all this fuss and tell me how much I owe.

Does anyone around here speak English?

I am the manager of this hotel, can I be of service?

Just tell me what this idiot is yapping about, will you?

(Speaking French)

He said that you have killed a woman.

Is that any reason for making all this fuss?

I came here alone and here I am.

Doesn't that prove it?

I'm sorry monsieur, are you insane?

Be quiet, insulting a guest at the St. Pierre, here take this and go, and don't ever come back again!

And let that be a lesson to you.

(dog barking)


Come on let's go.

Take the gentleman's luggage.

(Speaking French)

America, Bah!


Bah yourself.

I am so sorry monsieur, I assure you it will never happen again.

It will be my pleasure to make your stay at our hotel a pleasure.

Bonjour monsieur.

I want some accommodation, please.

I have a very lovely suite on the fourth floor.

(Speaking French)

I'll take it.


(Speaking French)

I am very sorry Mr. Topper, my clerk now finds that you have no reservation and our rooms are all taken.

Can't you find anything for me?

But monsieur, you would not like what we have.

We have one little room, but it would not suit a gentlemen like you.

Now I suggest...

Yes, it's alright, I'll take it.

Monsieur I know you will not like it won't you let me make arrangements for you some other place?

I want to stay here.

You see I came to fetch my wife, Mrs. Topper.

She's registered here isn't she?

Oh, oui.

No, don't let her know I'm here, I want to surprise her.

Oh, that will be impossible, Mrs. Topper is in Italy.

With Mrs. Parkhurst.

And the Baron Dupri Oh that's nice.

Now may I see my room?

I know you will not like it monsieur.

Please don't let's bicker anymore.

(Speaking French)

The 14B.


Why does the husband have to arrive at this time?

He'll spoil everything for the Baron.

(Speaking French)

I will get rid of him.

The, uh, uh...


Toppy you look like the Thinker without a thought.

You think of the tiniest things to worry about Toppy.

Well, we're gonna be nice and snug in this sweet little room, just the three of us.

What do you mean the three of us?

Well, what about me and Atlas?

Oh no you can't do that to me again Marion.

After all the only reason I'm over here at all is because you were found in my room once before.

Topper you're getting crabby.

I know what's the matter with you, you're hungry and I'm gonna get you some food.

Marion. put that phone down.

Topper you need me, wouldn't you like to have some chicken and potatoes and soup and things?

But monsieur I don't understand, do you always eat two dinners?

Yes, always.

Of course I do, one on top of the other.

You see I eat the second one to keep myself company while I'm eating the first one.

I come here and I take a bite of something here, and then I come over here and then I take a bite here.

And then I go back there and so on.

And running back and forth gives me such an appetite that I naturally eat both dinners, you see.

Hmm, naturally.


But monsieur you dropped something.

No, no, no don't touch it no.

I always keep a bone beside the bed so in case I wake up in the night and feel like gnawing on something, you see.


Oh okay, you go away, will you go right away?

You're making me so nervous.

Get out of here will you, go on.

Come on Toppy, I'm starved.


Oh confound these people.

Come here, you've got to do something quickly.

I'm getting pretty tired of this, come on Atlas.

Here we go again.

Your champagne, monsieur.

Come in.

You wish two glasses monsieur?

Yeah of course I do.

One for each hand.

Never mind, that will do, that'll be alright.


Yes that will be all, absolutely.

You've simply got to control yourself.

Or you're gonna get me into the same trouble again that I'm in already.

Come on Toppy, have a drink.

Alright but immediately after dinner you'll have to get out of here and take that confounding Atlas with you, yes I mean you.

Atlas stop it, don't let Topper scare you.

What are you, a watch dog or a mouse?

Come on back.


Topper don't you see, we've got to stay here, there's no place else we can go!

Alright, then I'll leave.

Oh no you won't.

Marion don't even as much as touch that phone.


(speaks foreign language)

Now what have you done?

Oh I just ordered another bed, and a large basket for the dog.

A dog basket?

I'll suppose I'll have to tell them that I sleep in a dog basket.

Unable to cable money.

Mrs. Topper lawyers have attached entire estate.

Am en route with baggage.


Ah, excellent, he has no money.

Now I can get rid of him.



Oh Toppy, can't you cheer up?

You look like a dried up old apricot.

Nothing could make me happy.

Oh no?


Don't, Marion, no, don't!


No, stop it, (laughing)

Marion stop it don't, stop it.

You hear something?

Yes, someone's at the door.

Why doesn't he come in?

That's more like it.

There's no one here.

Monsieur, I shall have to ask you to open the door.

Well go ahead, ask me.

Well, open the door.

Fine, okay.

I see you have enjoyed yourself.

Never had so much fun in all my life.

I wish you could've been here, I'm glad you weren't, of course.

You of course understand that it is expected that we be paid for this!

If I'm not complaining, why should you?

(Speaking French)


Oh there they go again.

You know I haven't had a minutes peace since I've been here?

Might be quieter if I move into the lobby.

Bring it in, boys.

What is this?

Never mind.

Careful boys, don't knock the bottle over.

(speaking a foreign language)

Did you order this bed and this basket?

Of course I did, I like two beds and a basket.

Ah, he would like two beds and...

Monsieur, I will give you until tomorrow morning.

If you cannot pay for one week in advance, I shall not only be forced to eject you, but I shall also be forced to throw you out!

I see.

I threw him out, tomorrow.

Oh, this is dandy.

Yes, now I will get thrown out.

I wish you could get me out of trouble just as easily as you can get me in.

Toppy don't worry, they won't throw you out of any place.

Not with me along.

I'd be in a fine fix if they did, wouldn't I?

I've nowhere to go, and I can't afford to go there anyhow.

I know where we'll go, to the casino.

They have so much money there that they give it away, come on.

(Speaking French)

Good evening.

(Speaking French)

(upbeat music)

(dog barking)


(dog barking)

Be quiet, Atlas.

Marion, where are you?

Come on, get in the cab.

But we have no driver.

Get in the cab, Topper.

(upbeat music)

(Speaking French)

(Speaking French)

Let him figure it out for himself.

(soft music)

How much money have we?

About 100 francs, how much is that?

Not very much, but enough.

Come on, we'll plug it all on 13.

No, Marion, I've never gambled in my life.

Except once when I won a turkey in a church raffle.

Oh Toppy, you're not gambling, they're the ones.

You're a sure thing.

If we can't beat this game with our eyes shut we deserve to be broke, come on.

No, I'd don't want to do it

(upbeat music)

Uh oh.

(soft music)

Don't be so bashful, get in there.

Beg your pardon, I'm so sorry.

All bets down please.

27 the winner.

Pardon me, my mistake, the number is 13.

But I thought you said 27?

Sorry, I was hasty.

It was on the number 13, that is where the ball stopped.

(speaks foreign language)


Pardon me, the number is 13.

You win again, monsieur.

Marion, this is dishonest.

Would monsieur wish to examine the ball?

Very pretty.



28, 22, 17, 13!

You win again monsieur.

This is going too far, let me out.

I beg your pardon?

Did you speak to me?

Oh yes I did.

Just a minute ago, don't you remember?

I said, good evening.

Yes, yes, good evening.

Manager, manager.

What is the trouble?

I don't know, this man has won three times straight.

The ball keeps bouncing from one number to the other.

And always lands in 13.

Three times?

Three times.

He cannot possibly win again on the same number.

If he does he'll break this bank.

You just don't know what this ball has been doing!

You spin it, I watch it.




He wins again.

You tell Mr. Topper his time is up, don't mince words with him, either he pays you now one week in advance or out he goes.


Now, voila.

(speaks foreign language)

Here he comes now.

Remember, do as I told you.

(upbeat music)

Now look here young man, I don't like my room.

You see, I want a suite.

And I want it stocked with caviar.

And I want the bath tub stocked with champagne, all the bath tubs, and I want it now this very minute.

Monsieur Topper, you will get anything you want, but we will have to eject you unless you pay one week in advance.

One week, here's a month.

A year's worth.

And if I don't get better service I'll buy the hotel and discharge everyone in it.

Starting with you.

Oui, oui, Mr. Topper.

Excuse moi, pardon me one moment.

Guess I told him, eh Marion?

Come on Marion, speak up, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Marion, where are you?

Marion, Marion!

(soft music)

Where have you been?

Hello Will you please go away, I want to go to bed.

Now that's gratitude for you.

I went to a lot of trouble to get you the best suite in this hotel!

I thought they'd come around to my way of thinking.

Well, follow me.

Better get out of yourself, someone might see us.

Don't worry.

Come on.

I'm doing the best I can you don't have to push me, do you?

I beg your pardon?

Oh I'm so sorry, I must've been talking to myself, you see I thought I was someone I knew and I guess I wasn't.

(upbeat music)

Stop it, Marion.

(upbeat music)

Wait 'til you see this, this is something like it.

Well, come in so I can close the door.

(upbeat music)

Just follow me, Toppy.

(upbeat music)

Oh, George would like this.

I wish he were here to help us, he'd know how to get us out of this mess.

Now this is more like it, isn't it.

What? Oh.

Marion, make yourself visible so we can both enjoy it.

Right oh Toppy, now then you stay here and I'll in the adjoining room with Mrs. Parkhurst.

That's fine, oh, what did you say?

I said you stay here in Mrs. Topper's room where you belong and I'll go in Mrs. Parkhurst's room.

No, that's going a bit too far.

Now Toppy, come back here, I went through a lot of trouble to get the key to this suite.

I know, but supposing Mrs. Topper came back and found us here?

Will you stop worrying about Mrs. Topper, she's in Italy.

Oh alright, might as well get into trouble in this room as any other I suppose.

I'll do it but I won't like it.

That's a good boy.

Ah, home at last.

I feel as if we've been away for several days.

We have been away for several days.

I guess that's the reason I feel that way, welcome home.

Welcome back madame.

(Speaking French)

Did you have a nice trip?

Oh, delightful.

Rather early isn't it?

Yes madame, it's just past dawn.

Yes I know, we passed it as we drove in.

I shall give you a chance to rest, I shall call you this afternoon.

We are going bathing aren't we?

Oh, yes of course.

Goodbye Baron, it was a most enjoyable trip.

A most enjoyable trip.

Good bye my dears Of course you are my dearer dear.

Oh dear, oh dear See you later.

I'll just never get used to having him kiss my hand, it makes me go all funny inside.

(Speaking French)

Ah Mrs. Parkhurst, welcome home Mrs. Topper.

This is your home, it must always remain your home.

Oh, thank you.

Mrs. Topper you have an unwelcome visitor in your home.

Mr. Topper is here.

My Cosmo!


He is here but if you do not want him to stay, out he goes.

Oh, but I do want him to stay.

That's impossible Clara, you mustn't see him, it'll spoil everything.

Oh, but I couldn't do that to poor Cosmo.

Why, just think he's come all the way across the ocean to see me.

Cosmo, my Cosmo.

Then shall I tell him you are here?

Oh, yes, yes, no, no, no not yet, I must have a facial and get my hair dressed, just think Cosmo is here.

Oh I wonder if I'll recognize him.

My Cosmo.

Clara you're acting like a school girl.

Do you really think so?

Why I've been out of school for years.

(dog barking)

(dog barking)


(dog barking)

Oh, help, help, help.

Will you please stop yelling or people will think I'm murdering you.

Oh, Cosmo!

Oh hello Clara.

Oh, Cosmo, how could you and in my own room?

Clara, you couldn't think that I...

You take my gown right off and get out of here, you, you, you bad man, you.


You take my gown off right now, I never thought you could stoop so low, and I was almost so glad to see you.


I can explain, I can explain.

(Speaking French)


Oh Nancy, never in my life have I been so humiliated.

You have no idea how terrible it is to have faith in one.

To have that one prove faithless to one.

Clara what's happened, what's wrong?

Everything's wrong! I just saw Cosmo making love, Latin love to that maid, he's a beast, he was beating her, and tearing her clothes off.

Oh the pity of it.

Clara, may I see you for a moment?


I don't want to see you ever again.

Please get out.

But Clara.

Really, Mr. Topper, I think you could have put on some clothes before coming in here.

Oh Mrs. Parkhurst, even if I liked you I'd stop talking to you.

Please Clara, I want to explain.

Explanations aren't necessary, I just won't talk to you.

No matter what.

But you must dear, I came all the way across the ocean.

Did you have a pleasant trip?

Well it was a bit rough.

Please Clara, won't you listen?

She's listened to quite enough, would you leave?


Please Clara.

Oh, please get out, get out you nasty man.

Get out.

I financed your trip to Italy.

I feed you, I clothed you, three years now, and you come back with no money.

I didn't have a chance, the lady will not be hurried.

You have the best prospect America has sent us for years.

You must have patience Louis.

I'm trying my very best, but you mustn't forget the lady is slightly eccentric.

I give you one more chance.

(upbeat music)

While you're here, we must be running over to St. Tropez.

You've never been there, no?

Been there, I doubt if I can even say it.


You're so quaint, and so lovely.

But not so lovely as St. Tropez at the best time of the year.

It is the ideal heaven for those that wish to be alone, and who wish to enjoy the quiet evenings and the beach resting against the sand.

And the sand resting against the water.

Isn't that exactly what happens here?

Oh yes, but not like at St. Tropez.

(soft lazy music)

Boy, what a lot of people there are in France.

Come on, sit down Toppy, you're a dear.

And I do hate to see you suffer.

Oh, what's the use Marion?

Nothing can be done about it.

Mrs. Topper doesn't care for me anymore.

So I'm going back home.

No you're not.

You can't do that.

I'll fix that sand lizard.

Watch me.


Gee, I wish I could do that.


My trunks!

Oh, my trunks.

Your trunks?

What's the matter with them?

Mrs. Topper.

Well I fixed him good.

He won't chase you anymore.

What did you do?

I pulled his trunks off.

His trunks?

Well Marion you mustn't forget he's with my wife.

Don't worry, he won't be with her long.

Not when I get through with him.

Madame I have a sense of humor, but this kind of a joke I do not comprehend.

But your majesty, I don't know anything about it.

Mrs. Topper, haven't I always been a gentlemen?

Yes, I think so.

How am I doing?

Oh, look out! Be careful! Hey!

Why don't you get up and get out of the way?

Please give me back my trunks.


Do something before I'm crushed to death!


The children around here should be more careful with their toys.

I don't know why you keep on talking about your silly trunks!

Hey, hey, get away, are you crazy?

Oh, look out, be careful!

Hey, you crazy dog.

Here it comes! Hey!

Look out, be careful!


Look out! Be careful!

What can I do?

Get away, go away!

Here comes the ball, be careful.

Come Baron, let's stop all this foolishness and get back to the hotel.

But don't you understand?

I have lost my trunks!

Well you can stay here if you want to, but I must be going.

I have an appointment with the beauty parlor.

I mustn't forget to call them and see if they can take me.


Oh please, madame, madame.

Do something, the tide is coming in and I'm going to drown!

Oh don't be silly Baron, it's only water.

(soft music)


Oh, hello.

May I sit down?

Please do.

It's a lovely day to be lying in the sand, isn't it?


You know, when I was a little girl I just loved to lie in the sand all covered up like you are.

When I was a little boy I didn't mind.

But now it's most uncomfortable.


Is this your little dog?


Cute little thing isn't he?

You're an American.

Yes, uh Daddy's in the steel business.

Would you do me a favor?

Favor, yes.

Oh, I've had a terrific accident.

Oh, isn't that too bad.

I need a pair of trunks in the worst way.

Size 32.

Trunks, size 32, size 32, well I'll see what I can do.

Now you won't go away, will you?

Oh no, mademoiselle.

Mr. Topper, this is preposterous if I may say so.

And good afternoon sir.

Hello Wilkins, what's preposterous?

Well a gentlemen of your position, sir, in a room of this dimension.

I should complain to the manager.

You don't understand Wilkins, I like this room, it's exactly the kind of room I want.

It's nice and cozy and everything is just where I can reach it, and people dropping in all the time.

Oh, glad you brought my dog.

But surely you would be more comfortable sir if they took out that extra bed.

No, no, no, I want that bed, you see, I like to have a spare bed, then if I walk over there in my sleep and lie down, I'm still in bed.

It does seem a little odd, sir.

Of course, you go just as you wish.

And Mrs. Topper, have you seen her?

Well yes, well, that is she is staying here in the same hotel.

Oh, I think I understand, sir.

Do you, Wilkins?

Quite, sir.

And how is Mrs. Topper?

I don't really know, she won't talk to me.

She refuses to talk to me.

Oh, I'm very sorry sir.

Would you mind very much if I called on Mrs. Topper?

Just to pay my respects, sir.

Not at all.

Oh thanks, I'll call on her right away.

(whimsical music)

Mrs. Topper.

That phone, that doesn't work Wilkins.

Mrs. Topper's suite is number 47 at the end of the balcony that way.

Marion, you should be ashamed of yourself smoking in front of Wilkins.

Well anyway, I fixed it so that that Baron won't bother you anymore.

You can fix it so you won't bother me anymore.

Why Toppy, if I weren't here to bother you, who'd you get?

Wilkins brought my dog.

What is the matter with the service in this hotel?

I ordered two martinis 15 minutes ago.


Well the boy must be lost, (knocking) come in.

No nevermind, no here he is now.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, do come in.

I beg your pardon madame, but I was expecting to find Mrs. Topper here.

My name is Wilkins.

So you're a friend of Mrs. Topper's?

Well I've known Mrs. Topper for several years. madame.

How do you do, Mr. Wilkins?

Won't you sit down, Mrs. Topper's dressing.

(knocking) Come in.

Oh, do sit down.

Thank you.

Ah finally, will you join me?

Mrs. Topper will be hours dressing.

I don't think I'd better, madam.

I've never taken a drink before in my life.

Oh, now don't tell me you've gone through life without having one little drink?

I assure you that I've never taken a drink.

Oh, you're joking.

No, I'm not really.

Well, down the hatch.

I beg your pardon?

Down the hatch.

Right, good.

I know that I've seen you somewhere before.

Are you a foreigner?

Well that depends entirely upon what country one is in when the question is asked, ma'am.

You aun-Americans are so quaint.

That's what Clara always says about the Baron.

The Baron?

Yes, the Baron is planning on being the future Mr. Topper.

And modestly speaking, I have arranged the whole thing.

Oh, Mrs. Topper's so thrilled.

Didn't you say that we had met before?

I didn't say so madame, no.

But we have.

Oh I knew it, my memory is so poor, won't you refresh it?

It was when I opened the door for you at Mrs. Topper's, ma'am.

You opened the door for me at Mrs. Topper's?

But surely I would remember that.

There's nothing unusual about a butler opening a door.


A butler.


Would you tell Mrs. Topper that I called, madame?

Oh, oh.


Good day.

Thank you for your trouble.

Well what are you waiting for?

Well, I was just thinking what a strange world we live in.

Now you're opening the door for me.


(band music)

Now then Toppy, aren't you glad you came to my party?

I always enjoy being with you when you behave yourself.

But I don't know which is making me dizzier, you or the wine.

You just say that because you're enjoying yourself.

This is fun!

I have reserved a lovely table for you.

(Speaking French)

Isn't that a cute way to talk?

Too bad the people in America aren't French.

(upbeat music)

You don't mind if I close my eyes, do you?

I always close my eyes when I'm enjoying myself most, to make it last longer.

(upbeat music)

Uh oh.


There's your husband acting a fool.

(soft music)


Cosmo, I can't understand what's happened with him lately.

(soft music)

Getting better, aren't I Marion?

Oh, oh.

Oh, well well, Clara.

Marion, I don't know why I don't take you over my knees and spank you.

Well if you are so brave, I don't see why you don't go over there and punch that, that Baron in the nose.

I can't understand what's happened to Cosmo.

He used to be so sedate and gentlemanly.

Clara, will you please be sensible.

Don't you see the man is crazy?

I can punch anybody in the nose if I feel like it.

And I feel like it.

Good boy Toppy, I'm right behind you.


Clara, what a beautiful name.

Listen to me, you are to stop running around after my wife and get out of here or I'm going to punch you in the nose!

Cosmo, stop it!

I'm insulted my seconds will wear upon you tomorrow morning.

No, if we're going to fight, we're going to fight now.

I might not feel like fighting tomorrow morning.



Ladies, he leaves me no alternative.

What the...

Why, who's holding me there?

Stop it.

Go on darling, give it to him.


He's awfully heavy Toppy, but I'll get him off you

(Speaking French)

(excited chatter)

(upbeat music)

You're going out the door!

(all talking)

(dramatic music)

(Speaking French)

I will send your baggage wherever you wish, but you will never enter this hotel again!

Oh ho, he's asking for it.

Watch this.

(whimsical music)

(glass breaking)

You, I will call the Gendarme!

Go ahead and call the Gendarme, you crackerhead!


I have nothing to do with it!

See, I have my hands in my pocket.

Never in my life have I been so astonished.

Just think, Cosmo a pugilist, and so successful too.

Why, he was practically a cave man.

Clara, I really believe that you're glad that he pummeled the Baron.

Oh poor Baron, he must be suffering.

Do you think I should go to him and offer him my sympathy?

Yes, of course my dear, and be sure and explain that you are not responsible for your husband's actions.

I'm not?

No, dear, now go ahead and tell him how sorry you are.

Oh of course I'm sorry, but Cosmo looked so cute pummeling the Baron.


Come in.

Oh, so it's you.

Yes it's me.

Come right in.

Oh, thank you.

Oh Baron, I want you to know how terribly I feel about Cosmo beating you up the way he did.

Oh... but I still can't understand how such a little shrimp could get the best of me.

Cosmo's no shrimp! Oh, forgive me I came to sympathize with you and here I am defending Cosmo oh... terrible scar

Oh, there you are darling.


Am I interrupting something?

Are we in the wrong room?

What does this mean?

Yes, what does this mean?

Who is this woman?

Why am I here?

She's a very wealthy girl, and lonesome.

But I can explain everything.

Oh then go ahead.

Oh, that's all.

Darling, don't tell me this is another of your flirtations?


Yes, he's so impetuous, sometimes he forgets he has a home.

A home?

I find it very difficult to forgive him, but he's all I have.

Oh, you little shrimp you, if I had believed you I'd be broken hearted now.

But Mrs. Topper.

And now my -

Where are you?

What is the matter with the service in this hotel?

I ordered a bottle of champagne half an hour ago.


Well it isn't here yet.


Come in.

Nevermind, here he is now.

Come in.


You get out.

I'm sorry madame, but I've got to see Mrs. Topper at once.

It's very urgent. well in the first place Mrs. Topper is not here, and in the second place if she were here, she would not be for you.

I don't want to find you here when I come back.

Clara, what happened, what has that unspeakable husband of yours been up to now?

It's not Mr. Topper this time, it's that awful Baron.

The Baron?

Yes, the Baron.

All the time he's been trying to play court to me he's been married, and frankly I don't think he's even a Baron, not that I care.

But I saw her with my own eyes wearing his pajamas.

Well she might've been his sister?

I've not met the Baron, but I think I'm safe in saying that she is not his sister.

I thought I told you to leave?

Oh Wilkins this is a surprise.

Thank you very much, madame.

May I have a word with you in private please?

Oh, of course Wilkins.

Under the present circumstances Mrs. Topper couldn't possibly be interested in anything that you have to say to her.

Oh yes I could, come on Wilkins we'll speak privately.

I'm sure Mrs. Parkhurst won't mind.

Mr. Topper's in jail, madame.

In jail, what for?

Disturbing the peace, malicious destruction and common drunkenness, madame.

And they've put him in jail for that?

Well we must do something about it.

That's what I had in mind madame, I thought if you could advance me a little money.

I would be able to make the necessary arrangements.

Oh of course, Wilkins.

Clara, you don't know what you're doing.

I know I don't, but Wilkins does.

(whimsical music)

(Speaking French)

(dramatic music)

(Speaking French)

(whimsical music)

Hello Toppy!

Guess who's on the under end of this key?

What a jail.

This is like opening a box of candy.

Marion, you can't come rushing into somebody's cell like that, you'll ruin the reputation of the whole jail.

Come on Toppy, fix yourself up, we're going to have a jail break.

Oh no, I don't want to go away from here, I'm just beginning to feel at home.

Now Toppy you're not going to stand in my way.

I've got Mrs. Topper all fixed up.

You're not going to ruin my good deed, you're going back to her.

I'm not entirely sure I want to go back to her.

Let her come to me.

I'll be right here.

Oh Toppy, you don't mean that.

You know what we'll do?

I'll open the back door and you sneak out in the alley while I take care of the guards.

Marion, we can't do that, that's breaking jail.

They lock you up for that.

Come on, we have to hurry, now while I'm taking care of things you sneak out.

(dramatic music)

Marion, you locked me out.

Everybody out, everybody out, come on, everybody out.

Marion don't do that, don't open all those cells.


(dramatic music)


(dramatic music)

(soft music)

(dog barking)

Get out Atlas!

Get away from here! Go on home, leave me alone.


Hey Topper, wait for me!

Yoo hoo, Toppy, see you later boys.

(whimsical music)

Yoo hoo, Toppy.




Get out.

Stop! Go away!


Hey Topper, wait for me!

(whimsical music)


(dramatic music)



(soft music)


Oh! Excuse me!

I'm sorry, so sorry.

Oh, oh!


(Speaking French)

Get out of the way, I can't stop!

Now at last we can resume our little argument that you started and I'll finish.

I love arguments.

Sic him, Atlas.


This is no time to be cute, which way did Mr. Topper go?

Well he went down the hall.

(soft music)


Oh, I'm so happy, I knew you'd come back to me.

Now everything's going to be alright again isn't it?

I'm so sorry that I've been so silly.

Clara dear, you don't understand.

You see, I'm in a sort of hurry.

All of France is after me.

Cosmo, look at your trousers!

Oh, there's been a moth or something chewing them.

Sit right down here and I'll fix them.

You do have a needle and thread?

Clara, I can't possibly stop.

I've got to get away, they're coming after me now.

Your friends will just have to wait, I can't have you running around looking like this.


Sit still, darling.

Clara, they're right at the door.

Well, tell them you're not here.

If you people have any complaint to make, go and see the manager.

Open the door.

Hello, hello operator, operator will you please tell the porter to get me two full fare tickets on the first plane leaving France?

Don't forget Wilkins.

And don't forget Wilkins, please hurry, my husband's a fugitive you know, and we have to escape.

Come on, darling.

Oh darling, now that we're so happy, don't look so sad.

Oh, come along.

George, hey George!

Look at them, I had a tough time getting them together, but I did it, all by myself too.

Aren't you happy?

Now I get to come back to you.

Hey! Wait a minute!

I'm so happy.

Aren't we, Darling?


Bless our happy home.

(upbeat music)

(whimsical music)