Topsy-Turvy (1999) Script

[ Man ] One, two. Two, two.

♪♪ [ Piano ]

[ Women Harmonizing ] ♪ So please you, sir, we much regret ♪

♪ lf we have failed in etiquette ♪

♪ Towards a man of rank so high We shall know better by and by ♪

[ Woman, Solo ] ♪ But youth, of course, must have its fling ♪

♪ So pardon us So pardon us ♪

[ Woman #2, Solo ] ♪ And don't in girlhood's happy spring ♪

♪ Be hard on us Be hard on us ♪

♪ lf we're inclined to dance and sing Tra-la-la-la-la-la ♪

[ Women Harmonizing ] ♪ But youth, of course must have its fling, so pardon us ♪

♪ And don't in girlhood's happy spring be hard on us ♪

♪ But youth of course must have its fling, so pardon us ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪

[ Clock Chiming ] [ Gasps ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Man ] Sir Arthur, what are you doing? I'm going to the theater, Louis.

No. It is not possibIe. I have no choice.

You must get back -- Louis!

Hot coffee. Very strong, please. D'accord.

[ Groans ]

Louis. Don't move.

Schnell! PIease.

Clothilde, encore du cafe. Vite.

Sir Arthur, la tasse, s'il vous plait. D'accord.

Bonne chance, Sir Arthur. Merci.

[ Speaking German ]

Louis -- [ German ]

I'II be fine. Now go and fetch the cab.

[ Hoofbeats Clopping ]

Manton. Good evening, sir.

[ Woman ] Arthur! Good God, Arthur. Is this entirely wise?

No, it's entireIy fooIish, Frank. Do you intend to go on?

I certainIy do, HeIen. I've never missed one yet.

Very weIl. I'Il Iet everybody know. Here. Take a drink.

Thank you.

Oh, that's better, Frank. Thank you. Your gIoves, sir.

Very good, Louis. [ Groans ]

This is a surprise, sir.

[ ChuckIes, Grunts ]

[ Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪♪ [ Chorus Singing ]

Permission, Mr. Cook? Permission, Shrimp.

[ Man ] Come. Four minutes, Mr. Grossmith.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ If you give me your attention I wiII telI you what I am ♪

♪ I'm a genuine philanthropist AlI other kinds are sham ♪

♪ Each IittIe fault of temper and each social defect ♪

♪ In my erring feIIow creatures I endeavor to correct ♪

♪ To aIl their littIe weaknesses I open peopIe's eyes ♪

♪ And IittIe plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ♪

♪ I Iove my fellow creatures I do aII the good I can ♪

♪ Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ♪

♪ And I can't think why ♪

♪ l'm sure l'm no ascetic I'm as pIeasant as can be ♪

♪ You'Il always find me ready with a crushing repartee ♪

♪ I've an irritating chuckIe I've a ceIebrated sneer ♪

♪ I've an entertaining snigger I've a fascinating leer ♪

♪ To everybody's prejudice l know a thing or two ♪

♪ I can teII a woman's age in haIf a minute, and l do ♪

♪ But although I try to make myseIf as pleasant as I can ♪

♪ Yet everybody says I am a disagreeable man ♪

♪ And I can't think why ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ He can't think why ♪

♪ l can't think why ♪ ♪ He can't think why ♪♪

♪♪ [ Orchestra Continues ] Monsieur. [ ChuckIes ]


You're going to have a definite success, sir.

Merci. Au revoir.

What do you expect me to do, kiss the carpenters?

[ Man ] Arthur!

[ Louis ] Get him up. Please, sir.

Let's get him up. Come on, Sir Arthur. [ Grunts ]

Arthur, take some brandy.

What happened? What happened? One moment. He wilI be fine.

[ Coughs ] ls Dr. Lynch in the house?

Listen to this. Today's Times.

"Princess Ida wilI probabIy run for a year... keeping the Savoy treasury agreeabIy repIete aIl the whiIe.

AII London will fIock to hear it.

So wiIl our provincial and American cousins and ContinentaI visitors.

Copies of its words and music wiII be sold by tens of thousands.

Everybody connected with its performance... wilI have a good time for at Ieast a tweIvemonth to come.

So mote it be."

How spIendid, WilIie.

Sugared words, Lucy.


"The opera is above the IeveI of alI other entertainments... before the London pubIic.

StiIl, I cannot pronounce it to be in any way... an improvement upon its predecessors.

To me, words and music aIike reveal symptoms of fatigue... in their respective composer and author.

Arthur SuIIivan cannot write other than in pIeasing manner... but more than one number in Princess lda... is lacking in the freshness and spontaneity... of The Pirates of Penzance, Patience, lolanthe... or The Sorcerer, his best operatic work."

Oh? Is it?

"Or H.M.S. Pinafore, the most popular.

W.S. GiIbert abundantIy proves he is stiII the legitimate monarch... of the realm of topsy-turvydom."

Thank you very much.

"But his incongruities are more elaborately worked up than of yore... and therefore less funny.

Moreover, the story is a duIl one."

Burn it, Pidgeon! Sir.

[ Lucy ] WiIIie!

Your kidneys are getting coId!

The show's doing splendidIy, Arthur. FuIl houses and a healthy advance.


Three tours on the road -- Pirates, Patience and lolanthe.

And four in rehearsaI. Merveilleux.

[ HeIen ] New York can't wait for Ida. Ah, New York. How splendid.

HeIen has us booked up to the end of the year. [ SuIlivan ] TireIess as ever.

AII part of my day's work.

Tea, Miss Lenoir? No, thank you, Louis.

Very weII.

I do hope your confinement hasn't made you restless, Arthur.

How have you been passing the time?

I've made some resolutions, HeIen.

A littIe late in the New Year, perhaps, but -- Better late than never.

May we know what they are, Arthur?

Why not?


To travel to the Continent, as soon as my heaIth permits.

Very wise. I think so.

Two: To Iook for a country house where l may repair each summer... without having to cross the channeI.

Three: To take more exercise. ExceIIent, Arthur. And about time too.

A Ieaf out of your book, D'Oyly. l must waIk more.

And is there a number four?


To write no more operas for the Savoy.

And what is number five? To fIy to the moon with his bed socks on.

No, I'm serious. I have to write a grand opera.

PeopIe expect it of me. I must not disappoint them.

I cannot waste any more time on these trivial souffIes.

Do you know l haven't written a symphony for over 20 years?

Not an unprofitabIe 20 years, if l may say so.

Arthur, if you wouId only learn to organize your time more efficiently... you couId do everything you wished.

My time is finite, HeIen. l must filI it with that which is important to me.

Is not the Savoy Theatre important to you?

This work with GiIbert is quite simpIy kiIling me.

Working with Gilbert would kilI anybody.

Is your contract with D'Oyly and Mr. Gilbert not important to you?

But our present concern is your heaIth.

You must go to the south of France and recover.

We can discuss this on your return.

I shalI recover, D'Oyly. And I shall return.

But there will be nothing to discuss.

Did you dine at the Beefsteak CIub? Yes.

Somewhat unsatisfactory.


WeII, you missed Mrs. Judd's rabbit curry.

One gets the impression that everyone is snickering behind one's back.

Perhaps you could have some for tomorrow's lunch.

"The king of topsy-turvydom."


You Iook a IittIe uncomfortabIe.

I'm comfortable enough. l watched a bit from the wings. Oh, did you?

First act. Seemed to be going rather weII, surprisingIy.

There. You see?

Would you like me to read to you? No, thank you.

I'II leave you. You must be tired.

No, I'm not in the slightest. lt's wrong of me to unburden myself on you.

Don't be silly. That's why l'm here.

Come and taIk to your Kitty.

Sometimes one wonders why one bothers.

They say jump, you jump.

Good night, my dear. Good night.

Lady CoIin is endeavoring to persuade us to take up smoking.

She's writing an articIe for The Saturday Review.

She proposes that nicotine is a gift from the gods... and if men may benefit from its soothing quaIities... why then may women not also?

My poor daughter now believes that smoking is an extension... of the communion between a woman and her husband.

WiIl she be smoking a cigarette on her wedding day?

[ Chuckles ] Heaven forfend.

[ Chuckles ] Lady CoIin is irresistibIe.

She cannot conceive why the Irish are starving... when there's lots of good fish in the sea.

She most probably has a point.

Oh, there's good news from DubIin. Hmm?

The ChurchiIls are to return to London.

Forgiven but not forgotten.

I do hope so.

Jenny says Winston is 1 1 ... covered in freckles and has a total disdain for authority.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm.

I shalI miss this fragrance.

SiciIian lemons.

Have you chosen your Beethoven for the PhiIharmonic Society?

As a matter of fact, I have. Yes.

No. 2? The seventh.

Ah. More dramatic.

And that is to be your work whiIst you're away?

That... and only that.

WiIl there be room for Mr. Gilbert in your baggage?

CertainIy not. He's far too large.

Food for thought.

It's not for me to say.

Indeed not.

Which train wilI you catch?

The tidaI train.

Up at 7:00.

Arriving in Paris at 3:30?

More or Iess.

How wiII you spend your first night of liberty?

I shaIl take some exercise.


[ PeopIe Chattering ]

♪♪ [ Man Singing In French With Falsetto ]

Oh! [ SulIivan ] Ah!

Ooh, ooh!

♪♪ [ Continues ] Whoo!

[ Squeals ]

[ Speaking French ] [ French ]


Oh, yah! Ah!

Whoo! [ Speaking French ]

♪♪ [ Singing In French ]

[ French ]

♪♪ [ Man VocaIizing ]

[ Woman Squeals ] [ Murmurs ]

[ French ]

[ Both Speaking French ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Squeals ]

Whoo! Whoo!

[ Laughing ]

What's your name?

This is Miss Cheese, monsieur.

[ Speaking French ]

Yes, it's true.

Mademoiselle Fromage.

What kind of cheese?

Swiss cheese, perhaps?

Yes, yes!

With little holes?

[ Sullivan Laughing ]

[ Screams ] [ French ]


♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪ This heImet, I suppose ♪

♪ Was meant to ward off bIows ♪

♪ It's very hot and weighs a Iot ♪

♪ As many a guardsman knows As many a guardsman knows ♪

♪ As many a guardsman knows ♪

♪ So off ♪

♪ So off that helmet goes ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪

♪ So off the helmet goes ♪

♪ This tight-fitting cuirass ♪

♪ Is but a useless mass ♪

♪ It's made of steeI and weighs a deaI ♪

♪ This tight-fitting cuirass ♪

♪ Is but a useless mass ♪

♪ A man is but an ass ♪

♪ Who fights in a cuirass ♪

♪ So off ♪

♪ So off goes that cuirass ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪

♪ So off goes that cuirass ♪♪

♪ BehoId ♪ [ Coughs ]

My voice. My voice. I've... strained my voice.

I've been trying too hard.

The smalIer the house, the greater the effort.

I'm very cross with myseIf. I shouId know better.

One's knocking one's pipes out... in a vain attempt to elicit a response from three coloniaI bishops... two eIderIy Iadies and an intoxicated costermonger.

They're aII roasting in their own lard like the Christmas goose.

Yes, and the costermonger Iaughed at the intervaI.

Did he? Mmm.

Ha! A man of infinite taste. Clearly.

WiIl you take a wee gargIe of my salt water, Dickie?

Oh, no, thank you, dear chap. It wouId put me in mind of my boyhood.

Mmm. Do forgive me. Not at all.

l fear that dear Mr. GiIbert has run out of ideas. No.

He doesn't know what to do with me. Ponder this.

He thrusts me into a gamut of tight-fitting pots, pans and pails... and poaches me Iike a fucking haddock.

Forgive my AngIo-Saxon, Mr. Butt. Do have a biscuit.

Oh, thank you, sir. I'II take one home with me for me supper.

Dickie, it's just this heat. lt addIes the noodles. It happened to me in MiIan frequently.

Ah. Milano. Bellissimo.

The heat Iess heIIish.

l am humiIiated. One might as welI be in the chorus.

Away with you, you wee monkey.

AIas, no. The reign of the emperor Gilbert is aIl but at an end. l consider this to be his best piece so far. With alI due respect, my dear Durward... your romantic opinion may be informed by the fact... that you take a rather good role in which, of course, you are tres splendide.

Grazie. Prego.

But I consider Princess Ida to be their worst.

Do you? I do.

Where is the panache of Pirates?

The wit of the Pinafore?

[ lmitating Pirate ] "From such a face and form as mine... the noblest sentiments... sound Iike the bIack utterances of a depraved imagination." lt was very good, you know. Yes, Dickie.

Do forgive me, dear boy. I don't wish to be the prophet of doom... but one cannot help but have the distinct feeIing... that the sword of Damocles hovers ominousIy over the Savoy Theatre.

How was TempIe? Oh.

Rather disgruntIed, l fear.

As though he wasn't quite enjoying himseIf.

His heart wasn't in it. No.

One can usuaIly reIy on Mr. TempIe, can't one? Mmm.

And the Iadies' chorus Iook as though they couId alI do with a hearty meaI.

It's this infernal heat.

One stiII has to feed oneself, WilIie, whatever the weather.


And the audience were fanning themseIves with their programs and Iibretti.

Most distracting, when one is striving to concentrate on the performance... to have in the corner of one's eye this confounded fIapping.

Makes one want to stand up and shout. l trust you restrained yourseIf. Yes, of course l did, WilIie.

More tea, ma'am? No, thank you, Pidgeon.

Coffee, sir? Yes. Pidgeon?

Sir? Did my father say anything else?

Nothing I should care to repeat, sir.

There were more peopIe on the stage than in the audience.

Did you count them?

No, of course l didn't, WilIie. Then how do you know? l was speaking metaphoricaIly. You were exaggerating.

Anything eIse, sir? No, thank you.


"O horror... horror... horror!"


[ Knocks ] Come in.

Good morning, my dear. Good morning, Richard.

Another scorcher? The everIasting bonfire.

Good morning, governor. Morning, Barker.

Thank you.

Shocking. Most alarming.

A mediocre evening.

Three fainters. ln the audience?

I fear so. AlI women.

Any absentees? Four chorus members.

With doctor's notes? Yes. Thank you.

And... how are the returns?

Oh, good grief. lt's an improvement on Monday.

Seven dead horses in the Strand this morning.

WeII, one down by Trafalgar Square.

I don't know how you can sit there in your hat and coat, Barker.

I'm too hot to remove them, Mr. Carte.

This is deveIoping into something of a crisis. [ Barker ] lndeed it is.

A man has a wife and chiIdren to support.

I fear we shall aII have to pray for rain.

WeIl, if it's any consolation, every theater in town is afflicted.

Even the Gaiety, graced as it is with Madame Bernhardt's execrable Lady Macbeth.

Thirty-eight percent. Who toId you that, Barker?

HoIlingshead. I-l pIayed a game of cricket with him... this morning before breakfast at Coram's FieIds. ln this heat? Yes, madam, but not in this attire.

Oh, good. Mr. HoIlingshead has toId you a fib, Barker. lndeed? He's only playing to 29%.

Mr. HoIlingshead has no need to lie to me, Mr. Carte.

Mr. HoIlingshead has much need to Iie to everybody, Mr. Barker.

EspecialIy you. Gentlemen.

[ Rings ]

[ Shouting ] Are you there?



[ Phone Ringing ]

HelIo? ls that you, Mr. Gilbert?

HelIo? HelIo?

Good morning, Barker. This is Barker speaking.

GiIbert here! Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.

How are we today, Barker? Are we popuIar, or are we mad?

Ah. Uh, we are popular!

Very good. Carry on.

Here is your message for today:

"U," "U," plus 1 0 shilIings and sixpence.

Can you repeat that, please? Yes.

"U," "U."

So, that's "U" for "udder" -- Yes.

"U" for "udder" -- Yes pIus ten shilIings and sixpence. Yes So, you have two udders, Barker?

Uh, yes. l aIways suspected as much.

[ Laughing ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Good-bye. Good-bye, Mr. Gilbert.

I'm going to hang up the teIephone now.

I-lndeed you are, sir.

WeII, l'm, uh, going out to seek a IittIe ltalian hokeypokey... and I care not who knows it.

Thank you, Barker.

I shaIl not return with any for you, sir, because it would melt.

Au revoir.

[ Door Closes ]

I owe you an apoIogy, Kitty. It would appear you weren't exaggerating after aIl.

ApoIogy accepted. Thank you, WilIie.

Schwenck speaks to the Savoy every morning in code, father-in-Iaw... just in case the telephone operator should be eavesdropping.

One might as welI open the window and shout down the street.

There. That shouId be more comfortabIe for you.

Sheer waste of time.

It wiII only resuIt in the further erosion of the written word.

WouId you care to sit down now? [ Murmurs ]

Thank you.

Ah, there you are, Pidgeon. Ma'am.

[ Lucy ] l do apoIogize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck... was here to weIcome you on your arrivaI last night.

[ Father ] I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker.

[ Gilbert ] lf you'II only take the troubIe to press the eIectric beIl, Father... you'lI be admitted at once. ls that not so, Pidgeon? lndeed it is, sir.

I have no intention of pIacing my life in danger, sir.

How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?

None to my certain knowledge, sir.

There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favor.

WiIl there be anything eIse, sir? No, thank you.

Would you telI Mrs. Judd that Dr. GiIbert wilI be joining us for lunch?

Certainly, ma'am.

You know, father-in-law, that you are most welcome in our home at any time... but pIease do try to inform us of your intention to visit.

A father shouId not have to seek permission to visit his own son.

The son shouldn't be expected to be cIairvoyant.

Who does he think l am? HarIequin?

WouId you excuse me?

I take it that you wiII be joining us for Iunch, father-in-law?

[ Sighs ] I-l have no idea... where I shalI be taking Iuncheon, thank you.

WeII, perhaps Schwenck can persuade you.

Take lunch with us, Father. We shaII enjoy your company.

Have I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?

No, Father, not for some considerable time, l'm glad to say.

You are a liar, sir.

No, sir.

I can assure you, Papa, that the very Iast person... with whom I wish to have any communication at aII... is your estranged wife... the vicious woman who bore me into this ridicuIous world.

How dare you, sir. Have you no respect?

Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do... and I can't stand the woman.

She is a veritable gorgon! She is indeed.

And she has chosen her own path.

And in so doing, she has turned her back on yourseIf and myseIf.

And for that smaIl mercy, we shouId both of us be eternally gratefuI.

Those terrors... that visit me in the night.

They can never be vanquished. Ah!

Insomnia. I suffer from it myseIf.

But it is she who sends them.

I know it is she.

I know not what heathen oracle she consults... what fiIthy familiar she empIoys.

I know that they wiIl come.

Wh-Wh-What are these waIls?

[ Whimpering ]

[ Whimpering Continues ]

[ Whimpering ] No!

[ Screaming ]

[ Whimpers ]

$5,000? The Iast 1 0 shares. Worth every penny.

Trust me, Arthur.

I do, D'Oyly.

What's this? PulI it.

Oh. lt's a reservoir pen. It contains its own ink.

Good gracious me.

What ever wilI they think of next? Try it.

[ Chuckles ]

Now, how long is aII this going to take?

Two years.

I shall begin the foundations next month.

Thank you. [ Chuckles ]

To the Savoy HoteI. The Savoy HoteI.

With its 70 bathrooms.

The builder was much bemused.

[ Cockney Accent ] "What's the point of 'aving a bathroom to every bedroom?

Who's goin' to be staying there -- amphibians?"

D'OyIy, l can't teIl you how delightfuI it is to see you here in Paris.

You're looking much better. A new man.

Monte CarIo was most profitabIe.

FIorence was hideously hot.

I sampled the Chartreuse at Certosa. The monks were uncommonly charming.

The train journey through the Saint Gotthard Pass is spectacular.

You must go.

And Lucerne -- tranquilIity itseIf.

I waIked untiI I dropped.

Did you receive my letter?

Yes, l did. Good.


It came to Brussels. l sent it to BrusseIs, Arthur. Yes, of course.

We're ready.

You kiIled the pigeon yourseIf?

No, sir. l Ieave that to the executioner.

It's the best way.


So, what is your position?

Much the same, l'm afraid.

I fulIy realize, D'OyIy, that you have me under contract.

But l cannot write any more operas for the Savoy.

[ Wine Pouring ]

At Ieast not of that particuIar character.

I think you shouId teIl Gilbert.

I shaIl. The moment l return.

Gentlemen, enjoy your meaI.

Merci. Merci.

♪ The reason is not far to find when we are near ♪

♪ For though they say ♪

♪ That love is blind ♪

♪ Ah, never fear, ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ We see our destinies entwined the noonday cIear ♪

♪ And Iove is over alI ♪

♪ When shadows falI ♪

♪ And thou ♪

♪ Art here ♪♪

[ Both ChuckIing ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh! [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ]

ll est bien, Clothilde. Oui madame. You are a tonic for him.

Merci. Cherish him.

Of course, madame.

[ Gasps ] Ah! Mrs. Ronalds, what an unexpected pIeasure.

Mr. GiIbert, how are you? How are you?

Quite welI, thank you. I'm so pleased.

He's in excelIent spirits. ls he? l Iook forward to hearing his tales.

Good day. Good day to you.

Au revoir. Madame.

Ca va, Clothilde? Ca va, monsieur. lt is hot, no? Yes.

He awaits. Thank you.

How was your crossing, SuIIivan?

MercifuIIy smooth, thank you.

As smooth as D'Oyly Carte. [ Chuckles ] [ Chuckles ]

No, not quite, Gilbert.

Lump sugar? Thank you, no.

Oh, pIease do. I found it in Lucerne. lt's delicious.

If you insist.

Mmm. Very good. Mmm.

Is Lucy welI? Oh, she's in fine fettIe.

She sends you her Iove and trusts you are in good heaIth.

Thank you. PIease reciprocate.

Of course.

What's this Carte's been teIling me? Oh, dear.

You can't be serious. l'm afraid l am.

[ ChuckIes ] So you've torn up our contract into tiny pieces... and cast it to the four winds.

Don't be absurd.

WeII, that would be the impIication. l hardIy think so.

What eIse is one to deduce?

Oh, Gilbert.

There's so much that I have yet to do for music -- for my queen, for my country.

Even if God were to grant me two days for every one that I had left on this earth...

I stilI shouId not be abIe to achieve everything.

Come, come, SulIivan. You're a genius.

I mereIy bask in your refIected gIory.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, Gilbert, please.

But I'm somewhat at a Ioss. What is the precise nature of your dilemma?

How shalI l put this?

My tunes, my -- my orchestrations are becoming repetitious.

I've wrung alI the changes possibIe in the way of variety of rhythm.

I have such respect for your words... that I have continualIy kept down my music in order that they can be heard.

It's no more than word setting.

SuIIivan, I have aIways subordinated my words to your music.

Oh, l think not. You've often expatiated to me and to others... on the thorough good feeling with which we've aIways worked together.

UnquestionabIy. But l want a chance for my music... to act in its own proper sphere.

It does. lt aIways has, and it aIways wiIl.

It must be aIlowed to intensify the emotional element... not onIy of your words, but of the situation... which can be humorous, dramatic -- what you wiII.

Of course. It goes without saying. You teach me the ABC of my profession.

Now, wouId you care for me to read this to you or not?

Where is it set? ln the SiciIian mountains.

PIenty of scope there for gypsy music, one might suggest.

Now, the IocaI aIchemist is kilIed in an expIosion... and there amongst his effects a chorus of viIlagers discover a potion.

Magic potion, no doubt. Indeed.

I thought as much. Now, the effect of this magic potion... is to transform the character who takes it... into whatever he or she is pretending to be.

Oh, Gilbert. You and your worId of topsy-turvydom.

[ Chuckles ] ln 1 881 , it was a magic coin.

And before that, it was a magic lozenge.

And in 1 877, it was an eIixir.

In this instance, it is a magic potion.

"Act 1 . Scene: A mountain inn... on a picturesque Sicilian pass.

A range of mountains with Etna in the distance."

l've made you some beef tea, Mr. Gilbert. Take it away.

You've not had anything since yesterday afternoon, sir.

Take it away. You can't work on an empty stomach.

Can't work at aIl, Mrs. Judd, if I am being constantly pestered... by interfering women with hot beef tea... coId compresses, mustard pouItices and excessive attacks of philanthropic zeaI.

How's my wounded soldier? He's not doing as he's told, madam.

Oh, isn't he now?

Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?

You reaIly should try -- Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bIoody harpies!

Get out! l'm working!

WilIie -- Madam.

l had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother... than visit the dratted dentist.

Very weII.

Good night.

[ Screams ] She's being just a littIe bit tricky.

[ Screaming ]

She's coming.

[ Groaning ] WeII done, Mr. Gilbert.


She's a beauty.

Open wide. Wh-Wh-What?

Bite realIy hard. [ Groaning ]

I must say, my wife and I did find Princess Ida... rather too long, don't you know.

[ MuffIed, Indistinct ]

Try not to speak, old chap.

♪♪ [ ClassicaI ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ AppIause ]

[ Chattering ]

[ AppIause ]

I do hope you've enjoyed your evening... but before we say fareweII... may I suggest an impromptu.

Mr. WaIter Simmonds has generousIy offered... to accompany me on the harmonium.

Now, we have another very young hopefuI with us this evening... who has kindIy agreed to accompany us with a new composition of his own.

"The Lost Chord." [ ExcIaiming, AppIauding ]

Sir Arthur informed me a few moments ago... that he cannot entirely recall his new piece.

[ Audience Laughs ] Merci, madame.

♪ Seated one day at the organ ♪

♪ l was weary and ilI at ease ♪

♪ And my fingers wandered idIy ♪

♪ Over the noisy keys ♪

♪ l know not what l was pIaying ♪

♪ Or what l was dreaming then ♪

♪ But l struck one chord of music ♪

♪ Like the sound of a great amen ♪

♪ Like the sound ♪

♪ Of a great ♪

♪ Amen ♪♪

lt's ridicuIous. It is.

I sent him the thing on Monday of Iast week. He couId have read it on the same day... or at the very least on the Tuesday.

Now 1 0 days have passed, and l haven't heard a word.

This concerns me greatly. Concerns me greatIy.

You're going to have to go and see him, you know.

I'II be buggered if I do any such thing.

I present the man with my idea, he rejects it.

I respond in detaiI to his misgivings, but answer came there none.

Now, either he hasn't read it, or he has read it and he doesn't Iike it... and if he doesn't Iike it, he shouId say so.

Then at Ieast we shaIl know where we stand. Go and see him.

No, Carte. You go and see him.

I've no more shots in my Iocker.

"SulIivan and GiIbert"? Who are they?

At Ieast they're finally going to revive The Sorcerer.

[ Carte ] Only as a stopgap. lt'lI give us breathing space.

It won't run more than three months.

Your unbounded optimism is inspiring, Carte.

I have the greatest confidence in The Sorcerer, GiIbert, but I'm not in the business of revivaIs.

You are now, since you've decided to withdraw the aiIing Princess Ida... in spite of the cooIer weather.

♪ Sprites of earth and air ♪

♪ Fiends of flame and fire ♪

♪ Demon souIs, come here in shoaIs ♪

♪ This fearful deed inspire ♪

♪ Appear, appear, appear ♪

[ RumbIing ]

♪ Good master, we are here ♪

♪ Noisome hags of night ♪

♪ lmps of deadly shade ♪

♪ PaIlid ghosts, arise in hosts ♪

♪ And Iend me aII your aid ♪

♪ Appear, appear ♪

♪ Appear ♪

♪ Good master, we are here ♪

♪ Hark, hark, they assembIe These fiends of the night ♪

♪ Oh, AIexis, I trembIe ♪

♪ Seek safety in flight ♪

♪ Let us fIy to a far-off land where peace and plenty dweII ♪

♪ Where the sigh of the silver strand is echoed in every sheIl ♪

♪ To the joys that land wilI give ♪

♪ On the wings of Iove we'lI fIy ♪

♪ In innocence there to Iive ♪

♪ ln innocence there to die ♪

♪ In innocence there to Iive ♪ [ Mouthing Words ]

♪ There to die ♪

♪ To live and die ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ Too late, too Iate ♪

♪ Too late, too Iate ♪

♪ That may not be ♪

♪ lt may not be ♪

♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪

[ AlI Harmonizing ] ♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪

♪ Now, shriveIed hags with poison bags ♪

♪ Discharge your Ioathsome Ioads ♪

♪ Spit flame and fire, unhoIy choir ♪

♪ Belch forth your venom, toads ♪

♪ Ye demons felI with yelp and yeII ♪

♪ Shed curses far afieId ♪

♪ Ye fiends of night, your fiIthy bIight ♪

♪ ln noisome plenty yieId ♪ Number one.

[ Chorus ] ♪ lt is done ♪ Number two.

[ Chorus ] ♪ One too few ♪ Number three!

[ RumbIing ]

[ Chorus ] ♪ Set us free, set us free Our work is done ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Let us fIy to a far-off land where peace and plenty dweII ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ Set us free, set us free ♪ ♪ Too Iate, too Iate ♪

♪ Where the sigh of the silver strand is echoed in every shelI ♪ ♪ Set us free, set us free ♪

♪ Too late, too Iate ♪ [ Chorus ] ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Let us fIy, Iet us fIy ♪ ♪ It may not be ♪

♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪ ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ ♪ Let us fIy, Iet us fly ♪♪

How many today, Jessie? OnIy nine, aIas.

Oh, aIas.

I have received none today.

I'm utterIy neglected.

Have these, you poor souI.

I don't want your scraps, Jessie Bond.

Too vigorous, EmiIy. Apply the bandage.

Beg your pardon, Miss Bond.

ShaIl l ever find anybody again?

Oh, don't be so gloomy, Leonora.

SadIy, l seem to appeaI only to eIderIy gentIemen.

Where are my young bucks and blades?

Quel dommage. l've told you what you must do.

The Iast thing a girl wants after an evening's performance... is to have to go and sing alI night for London society.

Idle Iadies and their odious husbands.

One has to sing for one's supper. It's damned exhausting. l detest it. Anyway, they're not aIl married.

And some of them are rather cute and courteous.

You have them dangIing on a Ieash, Jessie.

One must keep one's self amused, don't you know.

[ Leonora ] It's so terribIy trying.

When l meet a gentIeman, he invites me to supper...

I mention my little... secret... and then he's off -- quick, smart.

"C'est impossible."

WeII, you shouIdn't reveaI your littIe secret... untiI he's falIen hopeIessIy in love with you and has asked you to marry him.

Oh, Jessie, for goodness sake. "By the by, monsieur... you do reaIize, do you not, that l have a IittIe boy."

I couldn't possibIy pretend that Stanton doesn't exist.

No. No, he's my precious littIe bundIe.

How's his toothache? Earache.

He suffers terribIy, poor mite.

Would you like me to lace you up now, Miss Bond?

Of course, EmiIy.

WeII, sureIy your Mr. Barnes wouId be wilIing.

Mr. Baker. Jessie, please.

I do not intend to become a widow again before I'm 50.

No. Neither do I.

[ Harmonizing ] ♪ No doubt ♪

♪ Yet spite of alI your pains ♪ [ Leonora ] ♪ Yet spite of all my pain ♪

♪ The interesting fact remains ♪ [ Knocks ]

Come in. ♪ He was a little boy ♪

♪ He was a IittIe boy ♪♪ Five minutes, Miss Braham. Thank you, Shrimp.

PIeasure, miss.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ But soft They waken one by one ♪

♪ The spelI has worked The deed is done ♪

♪ I wouId suggest that we retire ♪

♪ While Love, the housemaid ♪

♪ Lights a kitchen fire ♪

♪ While Love, the housemaid ♪

[ Harmonizing ] ♪ Lights a kitchen fire ♪

♪ Why, where be I ♪

♪ And what be I a-doin' ♪

♪ A-sIeepin' out just when ♪

♪ The dew do rise ♪

♪ Why, that's the very way your heaIth to ruin ♪

♪ And don't seem quite respectabIe Iikewise ♪

♪ Eh, that's you ♪

♪ OnIy think of that now ♪

♪ What may you be at now ♪

♪ TeII me, do ♪

♪ Eh, what a nose ♪

♪ And, oh, what eyes, miss ♪

♪ Lips Iike a rose ♪

♪ And cheeks likewise, miss ♪

♪ I'lI teIl you true ♪

♪ Which l never done, sir ♪

♪ l Iike you ♪

♪ As I never Iiked none, sir ♪

♪ Eh, but l do ♪

♪ Like you ♪♪

[ Clock Chiming In Distance ]

[ Sighs ]

Morning, Carte. Good morning, Gilbert. Cigar?

Thank you very much. [ SuIIivan ] GiIbert.

[ Gilbert ] SuIlivan. May I? [ Carte ] CertainIy.

Morning, D'Oyly. HeIlo, Arthur.

[ Gilbert ] Good morning, Miss Lenoir. Good morning, everybody.

[ SulIivan ] Good day, HeIen.

Now, gentIemen, we alI know why we're here.

We seem to have come to something of a standstiII. lndeed we have. Which, Arthur, is because --


Because, HeIen...

I am unabIe to set the piece that Gilbert persists in presenting.

The piece l persist in presenting, SuIIivan, has substantiaIly altered each time.

Otherwise, there'd be littIe point in my presenting it to you.

With great respect, oId chap, it has not substantialIy aItered at aII.

You seem merely to have grafted on to the first act the tantalizing suggestion... that we are to be in the realms of human emotion and probabiIity... onIy to disappoint us by reverting to your famiIiar worId of topsy-turvydom.

That which l have grafted onto Act 1 , SuIIivan, has been specificalIy at your request.

And if you take exception to topsy-turvydom... you take exception to a great deaI of my work of the past 25 years.

Not to mention much of what you and I have written together since 1 871 .

That is patent baIderdash. Is it?

GentIemen, if we might keep things cordiaI, we may make some progress.

Arthur, can you realIy not see your way to setting this new piece?

AIas, HeIen, I cannot.

Cannot or wiIl not?

I am truIy unabIe to set any piece that is so profoundIy uncongeniaI to me.

UncongeniaI though it may be to you, I must remind you... that we here are conducting a business.

And may l remind you, HeIen, that l am not a machine.

I wouId not suggest for one moment that you were.

You all seem to be treating me as a barreI organ.

You have but to turn my handIe and, "Hey, presto"... out pops a tune. That's not strictIy true.

Arthur. Oh, come now. That's unfair.

You are both contractualIy obIiged to supply a new work on request.

The very act of signing a joint contract dictates that we must be businessIike.

Yes, Mr. Gilbert.

And I was wondering whether you might not be able to solve our wee difficulty.

How, pray? By simpIy writing another libretto.

That's out of the question.

I have spent many long months working at this pIay... which l have every confidence wiII be the best we have yet produced at the Savoy.

And to abandon it wouId be not only criminal but wastefuI.

[ HeIen ] I see.

Now, had SuIIivan lodged his compIaint at an earlier date... that might have been a different matter.

I made my compIaint the moment you presented me with the Iibretto.

The point being that I was unabIe to present you with the libretto... untiI you returned from your grand tour of Europe.

That is neither here nor there.

No, SuIIivan. lndeed. I was here, and you were there. Ha!

What I don't understand, Arthur, is why you cannot set this piece.

You're our greatest composer. SureIy you can do anything.

How very kind you are, HeIen.

But l say again to you alI, I am at the end of my tether. l have been repeating myself in this class of work for too Iong... and I wiIl not continue so to do.

Neither of us runs any risk of repeating himself, SuIIivan.

This is an entirely new story, quite unIike any other.

But, GiIbert, it bears a marked similarity to The Sorcerer.

People are already saying we're repeating ourseIves.

In what way is it similar to The Sorcerer?

Obviously, both invoIve characters who are transformed by the taking of a magic potion... a device which I continue to find utterly contrived.

Every theatricaI performance is a contrivance by its very nature.

Yes, but this piece consists entireIy of an artificial and implausibIe situation.

If you wish to write a grand opera about a prostitute... dying of consumption in a garret...

I suggest you contact Mr. Ibsen in OsIo.

I am sure he wiII be able to furnish you with something suitabIy duIl.

Gilbert, please. Hmm? l do beg your pardon, Miss Lenoir. Oh, no. Granted.

The opportunity to treat a situation of tender, human and dramatic interest... is one I long for more than anything eIse in the worId. lf that is your sincere desire, I would be wilIing, with Carte's permission... to withdraw my services for one term, to aIlow you to write a grand opera... with a coIlaborator with whom you have a closer affinity than myseIf.

No, GiIbert. l'm in earnest, SuIIivan.

No doubt that is something we shaIl be pursuing in the future.


WeIl, that is your prerogative, Carte.

[ Helen ] However, we are concerned with the present.

Arthur, wiII you or wiIl you not set Mr. Gilbert's new and originaI work?

Ma beIle, Helen, ce n'est pas possible.


I'm afraid so.

That being the case...

Mr. GiIbert, wouId l be right in supposing that you remain unable to accommodate us?

Indeed, Miss Lenoir.

I have had what l deem to be a good idea... and such ideas are not three a penny.

What a pity.

This wiIl be a very sad day for many thousands of peopIe.

WeIl, gentIemen, I don't know about you, but speaking for myself...

I could murder a pork chop.

If you'II excuse me, I shalI retrieve my hat.

Gilbert. SuIlivan.

Good day to you both.

No doubt we shalI be in communication in the near future.

Gilbert. Good day, Mr. Gilbert.

Good day.

You know where to find me.


Where have you been? Shopping.


I was in Knightsbridge, and guess what l saw.

An eIephant giIding two IiIies.

[ Laughs ] No. l haven't the Ieast idea.

Three tiny Japanese ladies. How do you know they were Japanese?

Because they were wearing their funny dressing gowns.

Had they just got up?

No. There's a Japanese exhibition at Humphreys' Hall.

Oh, yes. Japanese viIIage of some sort or other.

Yes! Yes. lt sounds rather intriguing. Might we visit?


But, WiIlie, the whoIe of London wiII be going.


Don't be so stubborn.

I have other things on my mind. You know that.

Yes, l do know that, WiIIie, and I understand.

But a Iittle distraction wilI do you good.

Kitty, I don't want to be distracted. Yes, you do.

Oh, do I? You know my mind better than I do, do you? l know you better than you think I do, WiIIie.

Lucy, if you wish to visit Humphreys' HaII, by aII means do so... but I shalI not accompany you for alI the tea in China.

♪♪ [ Samisen ] ♪♪ [ Woman Singing ln Japanese ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

What are you writing, sir?

[ Speaking Japanese ]

[ Whispering ]

♪♪ [ Singing ln Japanese ]

Good afternoon, Lucy. Maude!

Good heavens. What are you two doing here?

How are you, Schwenck? Mmm.

How joIIy. You must join us. Unfortunately, we're just about to Ieave.

Oh, what a pity. What do you make of it aII? lt's quite entrancing. lt's frightful.

[ Both Laughing ]

How's Mother? [ Maude ] Quite weII.

She's in bed. [ Lucy ] Oh.

Come aIong, Maude.

Oh, yes, FIorence. We mustn't keep you. Good day to you.

Do give her my best. Of course.

WeII, au revoir. [ Gilbert ] Good day, Maude.

Au revoir.

[ Speaking Japanese ]

[ Shouting ln Japanese ]

[ Lucy ] My goodness. Mmm.

It's perfectIy green.

Spinach water. Oh, WilIie.

Thank you very much.

[ Speaking Heavily Accented EngIish ] l beg your pardon? [ Repeats Phrase ]

[ Lucy ] Oh, she speaks EngIish. What did she say?

She said, "Sixpence, pIease." [ Heavy Accent ] Sixpence, pIease.

[ GiIbert ] Ah. Sixpence. [ Coins Jingling ]

Thank you very much. Arigato gozaimasu.

[ Accented ] Sixpence, please.

♪♪ [ Flute ]

[ Japanese ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Arguing ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Anguished Voice ]

[ Man #2 Speaking Japanese ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Shouts ] [ Groans ]

[ Moaning ] ♪♪ [ Japanese lnstruments ]

[ AppIause ]

Here we are, sir.

There, Pidgeon. Very good, sir.

Comme ca.

Yes, sir.

Show it to me.

To your right.

Bit more.

Good. Down a bit.

Down a bit. There.

Mark it there. Yes, sir.

Give it to me.

Thank you, sir. It's a fine-looking instrument, sir.

Now, would that be Spanish or ItaIian?

Neither, Pidgeon. Of course, sir.


ExceIIent. Thank you. Thank you, sir.

♪♪ [ Piano ]

Do we suppose that Lucy is with chiId?

I beg your pardon, Mama?


Is she enceinte? With chiId?

Whyever wouId you think that?

One wouldn't have said she was sickly... although she did ask after you, Mama.

What did he say? Who?


He said nothing, Mama. Nothing. Nothing. AbsoIutely nothing!

[ Door SIams ]

Your dear son said very IittIe... and what he did say, I have aIready told you.

Now... do you care for this or not?

It is merely a piece of wood.

Very weIl. I shalI keep it for my coIlection.

Maude? Yes, Mama?

Never bear a humorous baby.

I shalI endeavor not to, Mama.

[ Imitating Japanese Actors ]

♪♪ [ OrchestraI Fanfare ]

♪ BehoId the Lord High Executioner ♪

♪ A personage of nobIe rank and titIe ♪

♪ A dignified and potent officer ♪

♪ Whose functions are particuIarIy vitaI ♪

♪ Defer, defer ♪

♪ To the Lord High Executioner ♪

♪ Defer, defer ♪

♪ To the nobIe lord To the noble lord ♪

♪ To the Lord High Executioner ♪

♪ Taken from the county jaiI ♪

♪ By a set of curious chances ♪

♪ Liberated then on baiI ♪

♪ On my own recognizances ♪

♪ Wafted by a favoring gaIe ♪

♪ As one sometimes is in trances ♪

♪ To a height that few can scaIe ♪

♪ Saved by Iong and weary dances ♪

♪ SureIy, never had a maIe ♪

♪ Under suchIike circumstances ♪

♪ So adventurous a taIe ♪

♪ Which may rank with most romances ♪

♪ Taken from the county jaiI ♪

♪ By a set of curious chances ♪ ♪ Liberated then on baiI ♪

♪ SureIy, never had a maIe ♪ ♪ SureIy, never had a maIe ♪

[ Together ] ♪ So adventurous a taIe ♪♪

"The Mikado; or, the Town of Titipu."

[ Laughs ] "Act 1 .

Scene: Courtyard of Ko-Ko's paIace in Titipu.

Japanese nobIes discovered standing and sitting... in attitudes suggested by native drawings.

Chorus: 'If you want to know who we are, we are gentIemen of Japan.

On many a vase and jar, on many a screen and fan, we figure in Iively paint... our attitudes queer and quaint, you're wrong if you think it ain't.

[ Laughing ] lf you think we are worked by strings...

Iike a Japanese marionette, you don't understand these things.

It is simpIy court etiquette.

Perhaps you suppose this throng can't keep it up aIl day long.

If that's your idea, you're wrong.'

Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement.

He carries a native guitar on his back and a bundIe of baIIads in his hand.

Recitative Nanki-Poo:

'GentIemen, I pray you teII me where a IoveIy maiden dweIIeth... named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko.

In pity speak. Oh, speak, I pray you."'

"'l hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum... at liberty to listen to my protestations.'

Pish-Tush: 'It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for fIirting... but he was reprieved at the Iast moment... and raised to the exaIted rank of Lord High Executioner... under the foIlowing remarkabIe circumstances.'

Song, Pish-Tush:

'Our great Mikado, virtuous man... when he to ruIe our Iand began... resolved to try a plan whereby young men might best be steadied.

So he decreed in words succinct... that alI who flirted, Ieered or winked... unless connubialIy linked... shouId forthwith be beheaded.

And l expect you'Il aII agree that he was right to so decree... and I am right, and you are right... and alI is right as right can be.

This stern decree, you'Il understand, caused great dismay throughout the Iand.

For young and old and shy and boId were equaIIy affected.

The youth who winked a roving eye... or breathed a non-connubial sigh... was thereupon condemned to die.

He usuaIly objected.

And you'II aIlow, as l expect, that he was right to so object.

And I am right, and you are right, and everything is quite correct.

And so we straight let out on baiI a convict from the county jaiI... whose head was next, on some pretext, condemned to be mown off.

And made him headsman, for we said...

"Who's next to be 'decapited' cannot cut off another's head... untiI he's cut his own off."

And we are right, I think you'lI say... to argue in this kind of way.

And I am right, and you are right, and aIl is right. Too-IooraIlay.'

Chorus. End of song."

Highly amusing, WiIIie.

Fatuous. Oh.

Surely Arthur Iikes it.

He hasn't said otherwise.

It certainly is rich in human emotion and probabiIity.


"Enter Pooh-Bah."


It is. Che brutto.


He simply hasn't pIayed with a straight bat.

Who's that? His Majesty, the Mahdi.

Oh, yes. No. lt just isn't cricket.

Quite so. It's completeIy contrary to the ruIes of engagement.

The man was surrounded on aIl sides and massacred merciIessIy.

"What fulI fortune doth the thick lips owe."

What does that mean? Philistine. lt baffIes me that you're baffIed, Barrington.

Hmm? The Hottentot in the desert doesn't play cricket.

His natural habitation being the "jungly bungIy" tree... he is as yet hardIy abIe to walk upright, don't you know.

[ Chuckles ] We strive to bring them civiIization... and this is their gratitude.

Did you know that 56 families were sIaughtered on the island of Skye?

ReaIly? When was that?

'82, I think. And who perpetrated the outrage, pray?

Oh, mereIy the, uh, English militia.

Extraordinary. Buon appetito.

[ Sighs ]

ShalI we indulge in another dozen? I rather think we ought, don't you?

I think we might. WouId you care for a second fish, Lely?

Oh. Or a veritable shoaI, perhaps. l have had an ample sufficiency, thank you very much, my wee man.

I have an appointment with Carte this afternoon.

At what hour? 5:00.

Curious. l shaII be with him at half past 4:00.

That's funny. I don't have a meeting with him at 4:00.

[ ChuckIes ] And it is my firm intention to prize open his purse.

It wiIl take a far stronger man than you, Mr. Barrington... to fulfiIl that hercuIean labor.

[ Chuckles ]

And what's your mission, Captain Grossmith?

Oh, there are certain Iittle matters.

I shouId rather Iike to offer you an increase in saIary, George.

Oh? lndeed? lndeed.

That's most benevoIent of you, Mr. Carte. lt's no less than you deserve, George. Thank you.

And by how much, might one inquire?

By seven and a haIf percent.


Seven and a haIf.

Now, that wouId work out at, uh --

Thirty pounds per week. Thirty. Hmm.

I see.

WeIl, $30 per week wasn't quite the sum l had in mind... as l wended my weary way here this afternoon.


As that wouId be three consecutive productions with onIy a negIigibIe increase.

I don't consider an increase of two pounds per week over 1 2 months negIigibIe, George.

One might have thought that the name of George Grossmith -- my not inconsiderabIe contribution -- would have been more favorably recognized.

You do receive considerably more than anyone else, George.

Do l? Mmm.

We shouId be terribIy sorry to Iose you.

Gilbert has written you a particuIarIy fine part in the new piece.

PreciseIy, as one wouId expect.

However, I should judge an increase of a paItry two pounds per week... to be whoIIy unacceptabIe, not to mention miIdIy insuIting... if one may say so.

And what figure had you in mind, Mr. Grossmith?

Uh --

Forgive me. I seem to have lost my train of thought.

[ Grossmith Exhales ]

I --

[ Deep Breath ]

Are you unwelI, George?

I fear l may have come over a bit queer.

Most embarrassing. You must take a IittIe brandy.

[ Groans ]

"A little water cIears us of this deed." l blame Grossmith for this. OnIy Grossmith?

Thank you, Helen.

Confounded glutton.

Are you feeIing better?

Oh, l do beg your pardon. This is awfuIIy embarrassing.

Not at aII, Rutty.

Now, why don't we return to the subject of your saIary?

Oh. Yes.

WelI, I must decIare that I'm rather at a Ioss for words, D'Oyly.

Excuse me. [ Groans ]

Oh, l do beg your pardon.

This is a baIly nightmare, damn it. I shaIl be in my dressing room.

The more l see of men, the more I admire dogs.

[ Inhales ] l'm soon to have a meeting concerning the cast for the next opera.

Yes, indeed. l've heard a Iittle rumor that perhaps I should be playing the part of a 1 4-year-oId schooIgirI.

Someone has been telIing taIes.

They have indeed, Mr. Carte. [ Giggles ]

Mr. GiIbert wiIl be very angry.


With reference to your engagement for the opera...

I have a great concern about your IittIe weakness.

I'm -- l'm a Iittle shocked, Mr. Carte.

I reaIly do believe that my behavior this Iast year has been exempIary. l'm pIeased to say your tendency has improved... but I am concerned about the future.

Yes. You're perhaps suggesting, Mr. Carte... that I shan't be performing in the next production.

Yes, I'm afraid l am.

But the outcome of that, Leonora, is in your own hands.

Sometimes, Mr. Carte, I can be a very siIly young woman.

You have an extraordinary taIent.

It saddens me beyond measure to see someone throw it away.

I assure you, Mr. Carte, that I shalI be in tip-top form.

I'm very pIeased to hear that.

Much reIieved.

Do we have an understanding?

Yes, we do, Mr. Carte.


♪ CharIie, Charlie ♪

♪ War wouId not folIow thee ♪

♪ King of the Highland hearts ♪

♪ Bonnie Prince CharIie ♪♪

[ GargIing ]

Chop-chop, Butt. How long do we have? Eight minutes, Mr. Temple.

Oh, joIIy good.

Shocking news from Khartoum. Indeed.


Something wiIl have to be done, tout de suite. AbsoIutely.

Mrs. TempIe hit the naiI on the head this afternoon, as per usual.

What did she say?

"The nation loses a hero, but the famiIy Ioses a Ioved one."

Oh, how apt.

A perspicacious woman is Mrs. TempIe.


Consider this, my dear Butt.

Is it not the inevitable fate of the professional soIdier... that he may perish on the fieId of battIe?

Indeed, sir.

But, Dickie, have you heard the real news of the day?

Yes, the Fenian bomb. Oh, dreadfuI.

No. Grossmith and Barrington. What?

They're off tonight. No!

Yes. Both of them?

Yes. Why?

Oysters. [ Gasps ]

We shared Iuncheon together. Did you swalIow?

No! l chose the soIe. Off the bone?

Yes. lt was rather succuIent. Wise man.

Oysters can kilI, you know? Oh, unquestionabIy.

I had an aunt -- choked on a scaIlop at Herne Bay.

ReaIly? Tragic.

Oh, dear. Yes, they were away to see Carte.

Oh, really. Mmm.

WiIl you be lobbying? No. l'lI just wait for my summons.

Quite right, dear boy.

One shouId be rewarded on one's merits... not on one's abiIity to ingratiate oneseIf with the management.

ParticularIy when the management have difficulty... in Iocating the reIative whereabouts of the arse and the elbow.

[ Laughing ]

Serves them both right.

[ Temple ] Enter!

Five minutes, please, Mr. TempIe, Mr. Lely.

Thank you, Shrimp. Merci, Crevette.

[ SuIIivan ] One, two, three --

[ Grossmith ] ♪ And so, aIthough l'm ready to go ♪

♪ Yet recoIIect 'twere disrespect ♪ DoIce.

♪ Did I negIect to thus effect ♪ Expansive.

♪ This aim direct, so l object ♪ Good.

♪ And so, aIthough I wish to go ♪ Rutty, temper your voIume, please.

♪ And greatIy pine to brightIy shine ♪ And now.

♪ And take the line of a hero fine ♪ Good.

♪ With grief condign l must decIine ♪

♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪

♪ How much you dare l'm quite aware ♪

♪ lt's your affair, yet I declare ♪

♪ l'd take your share, but I don't ♪ BoviII, that's very good.

But I've gone to considerabIe pains to provide you with tripIets.

Triplets, Sir Arthur, yes. And on his saIary! [ Laughs ]

Rutty, please. ApoIogy.

Consequently, if you wouId be so kind as to trip.

Of course, Sir Arthur. Thank you. One, two, three, four.

♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪

♪ How much you dare l'm quite aware ♪

♪ lt's your affair, yet I declare ♪

♪ I'd take your share but I don't much care ♪ Now, you see, BoviII? Very much better.

Thank you, Sir Arthur. The new man's doing awfulIy weII.

Quite splendid. Thank you, gentIemen.

Breathe, BoviII. Breathe. lt's piano, Barrington. Piano. I'Il do my best.

As many P's as you can muster, RutIand.

Without landing us aIl in the soup.

[ Laughing ] One, two, three, four.

♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪

♪ How much you dare l'm quite aware ♪

♪ lt's your affair, yet I declare ♪

♪ I'd take your share, but I don't much care ♪ And going on.

♪ I must decIine ♪ ♪ So l object ♪

♪ I'd take your share, but I don't much care ♪ ♪ So l object ♪

♪ l must decIine, I must decIine ♪ ♪ I don't much care, I don't much care ♪ ♪ So l object ♪

[ Τogether ] ♪ To sit in soIemn silence in a -- ♪ GentIemen, unpocopiu vivo. Hmm?

Now, before the doubIe bar Iine, it's one, two, three, four.

[ SoftIy ] And afterwards. One, two, three, four.

Clear? Very quiet.

From here, pIease. One, two, three, four.

♪ Care, I don't much care l don't much care ♪

♪ To sit in solemn siIence in a duII, dark dock ♪ Good!

♪ In a pestiIential prison with a IifeIong Iock ♪

♪ Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock ♪ Tosto.

♪ From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big bIack bIock ♪

♪ To sit in solemn siIence in a duIl, dark dock ♪ More. Good.

♪ In a pestiIential prison with a IifeIong Iock ♪

♪ Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock ♪

♪ From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big bIack bIock ♪

♪ A duIl, dark dock A lifeIong lock ♪

♪ A short, sharp shock A big bIack block ♪

♪ To sit in soIemn siIence in a pestiIential prison ♪

♪ And awaiting the sensation from a cheap and chippy chopper ♪

♪ On a big ♪

♪ Black ♪

♪ BIock ♪♪

[ Laughs ] Bravo.

Goodness. SpIendid. ExceIlent.

Louis. Wir haben etwas Kaffee.

Your coffee is ready, Sir Arthur. Thank you.

My word. Is it?


Rutty, do go through. Thanks, oId chap.

Do one's hands remain within, Madame Leon?

Oh, no, my dear. No, no, no. Look. Here.

Comme ca. Oh, l see!

Voila. [ GiggIes ]

Are you stiIl troubled by your understandings, Miss Bond? l'm in much pain this afternoon. l'm so sorry to hear it.

Tres jolie, tres jolie. Superbe.

Such exquisite embroidery.

What are you wearing underneath your gown, SibyI?

Only my friIlies.

AIas, no corsets, I'm afraid to say.

Alice, vite!

Oh, shaII we be reveaIing a littIe, Madame Leon?

I certainIy hope not, Miss Braham.

Oh, what a pity. [ GiggIes ]

Do take care, Miss Morton!

Makes one rather drowsy. lt does Iook comfortable, SibyI. Indeed it is.

La kimono. Ooh.

Doucement, doucement.

GentIy, gentIy. Ooh.

The siIk is subIime, Madame Leon.

Indeed. From Mr. Liberty's store, don't you know.

Bona fide Japanese, with just a soupcon from gay Paris.

C'est magnifique. Oui! [ ChuckIes ] ls one to presume one is to be prevented from wearing one's corset, Madame Leon?

Miss Bond, none of the Iadies shaII be wearing corsets during the performance.

That's simpIy preposterous.

Our aim is to emuIate the Japanese ladies... and Japanese Iadies are as thin as thread paper... inasmuch a Roman column as opposed to a Grecian urn. Quite so.

I fear for my reputation, don't you know.

Miss Bond, l am foIIowing Mr. Gilbert's instructions.

Mr. Gilbert desires the Japanese appearance.

And that which Mr. Gilbert desires, Mr. Gilbert must have.

Fait accompli.

One can hardIy cut a dash in this dressing gown.

Oh, do stop fussing, Jessie. PIease. lt's delightfuI, Madame Leon. Thank you, Miss Braham.

It's shapeless. Yes, Miss Bond, it is shapeIess.

Japanese Iadies are most shapeIess.

But there is no need for you Iadies to be shapeIess. l have devised a soIution, if I may crave your indulgence.

Miss Morton.

Miss Grey, wouId you kindIy raise your arms?

Of course. Merci, merci.

Now, the bow goes at the back... the sash at the front, lined with caIico.

Now, tournez. Tournez, s'il vous plait.

Now, this may be Iaced as tightly as you require.

[ GiggIing ] Oui.

So you see, in effect, it is a corset. [ ChuckIes ]

Where's the whaIebone?

There are no bones, Miss Bond.

WelI, Madame Leon, I do fear that if there are no bones, then it is plainly not a corset.

No, Miss Bond, it is not a corset, but it may serve for a corset. lt may give you the shape you desire. Tighter, please, Miss Morton. Tighter.

I cannot appear on stage without a corset.

It certainly feeIs like a corset, Jessie.

You do resemble a birthday gift, SibyI. l couId eat you.

[ Giggles ]

Do forgive me, Miss Bond.

One is working to the best of one's abiIities... although I fear sometimes it is not appreciated.

[ GiIbert ] And that is the haori. Am I correct, WiIhelm?

Quite so, Mr. GiIbert.

As opposed to the zori, which is the stocking, is it not?

The stockings are the tabi, sir. Ah, tabi.

The sandaIs are the zori. ExactIy so.

I'm beginning to get the measure of this, Grossmith.


Mr. Gilbert. Lely?

Is this to be the Iength of my gown for Nanki-Poo?

I believe so. WiIheIm? lndeed it is. Yes.

Do you not consider it to be perhaps... a Iittle too short?

Too short for what? For propriety.

Might it not be rather unseemIy?

I'm sorry. UnseemIy to whom? To the audience of the Savoy Theatre, sir.

Hmm. I shouIdn't have thought so.

In any case, I shalI be the judge of that.

Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.

Hmm. No offense to you, Mr. WiIheIm, but your properIy authentic costume... seems to have left me rather in the buff somewhat.


No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the Iast 800 years, Mr. LeIy.

May I draw your attention to the fact, Mr. WiIheIm... that I am not, actuaIIy, a Japanese peasant.

No. You're a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince... who is posing as an itinerant minstreI.

LeIy, I wouId be only too happy for the tailor here to chop off some of my surplus... and stitch it to the hem of your kiIt.

[ Chuckles ] [ GiIbert ] Thank you, Grossmith.

I am sure we shaIl reap the benefits or your remonstrations in the fuIlness of time.

Yes, G.G. Do you not agree with me that this garment is rather vuIgar?

I do, as it happens.

Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.

Why, sir? Are you ready for me?

WouId that l were, sir.

And l'lI thank you not to refer to my designs as vulgar, Mr. Lely.

[ ChuckIes ] Mr. WiIhelm, to my eyes... your designs are not onIy vuIgar, but obscene.

How dare you, sir!

Strong words, LeIy. What the deuce do you mean?

Mr. Gilbert, I'm a respectabIy married man, and I love my wife dearly.

Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed... since the untimeIy demise of my beloved mother-in-Iaw... has been to watch me perform upon the stage.

But l am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment... of seeing me flaunted before the pubIic Iike a half-dressed performing dog!

You have my sympathies, Lely.

But, unfortunateIy, your avocation as an actor... compels you on occasion to endure the most ignominious indignities.

As Grossmith wilI doubtless testify.

Without question, sir.

Mr. LeIy, Iet me be clear.

I wiII not alter one stitch of your costume to protect the sensibilities of your wife... your chiIdren or any other member of your unfortunate famiIy.

Mr. Wilhelm, I would strongly advise you... not to speak of my famiIy in such a despicable manner!

Sir. WiIl you remove your corset?

I beg your pardon? KindIy remove your corset, Mr. Lely.

It'Il spoiI the hang of the cloth.

Mr. Gilbert.

I never perform without my corset.

What, never?

[ ChuckIes ] I'm afraid not, sir. Why not?

One cannot produce the required vocal vigor... without the necessary diaphragmaticaI support that the corset affords.

[ Gasps, Coughs ]

Come, come, LeIy. This is not grand opera in MiIan.

It is mereIy Iow burIesque in a smaII theater on the banks of the river Thames.

You have a fine, strong voice... which wiIl be more than adequate for our purposes, with or without the corset.

KindIy remove it this instant.

You may retire behind the screen if you wish.

Very weIl, sir.

But may I just say that, in five years of IoyaI service to this company...

I have never, untiI this moment, lodged a singIe compIaint.

Your nobIe restraint has been much appreciated.

Thank you, sir.

♪♪ [ Intro ]

♪ A wandering minstreI I ♪

♪ A thing of shreds ♪

♪ And patches ♪

♪ Of balIads, songs and snatches ♪

♪ And dreamy luIlaby ♪

♪ My catalog is Iong ♪

♪ Through every passion ranging ♪

♪ And to your humors changing ♪

♪ l tune my suppIe song ♪

♪ I tune my suppIe ♪

♪ Song ♪

♪ Are you in sentimentaI mood ♪

♪ I'll sigh with you ♪

[ AIl Sigh DeepIy ]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sorrow ♪

♪ On maiden's coldness do you brood ♪

♪ l'lI do so too ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sorrow ♪

♪ I'II charm your wiIIing ears with songs of Iovers' fears ♪

♪ While sympathetic tears ♪

♪ My cheeks bedew ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Sorrow ♪

♪ Sorrow ♪♪ Thank you, Seymour.

Now, Miss Sixpence PIease, would you kindly come along with me?

[ Barker ] Thank you very much.

Make haste. Make haste. Johnny.

[ Gilbert ] Thank you very much. [ Tapping Cane ]

Ladies and gentIemen, l'd just like to introduce you aII to Miss Sixpence PIease... the young lady of whom some of you wilI have heard me speak with reverence and respect.

Thank you. Very good.

Kindly make yourselves comfortabIe. PIease be seated. Thank you.

Ah, sir, my apologies. I've been neglecting you.

WouId you like to come this way?

It's alI right, Seymour. He can use your chair. Far more appropriate.

Here you are, sir. Be seated here. Very good indeed.

Pride of place, sir. Make yourseIf comfortabIe.


Yes, now -- D'Auban!

WiIl you kindly withdraw to the side of the stage immediately?

Johnny. Thank you, Mr. D'Auban.

Ladies, wiIl you take up your fans, please?

What l'd Iike you to do, sir, is to observe the proceedings.

Will you kindIy give aIl your attention to the performance? Thank you.

Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?

My dancing days are long over, Mr. GiIbert. [ Man Laughing ]

Over, Barker, but not forgotten.

[ D'Auban ] Ladies, opening attitudes, s'il vous plait.

From the beginning of the song. Counting two bars before, Mrs. RusseII.

Thank you.

One, two. Two, two.

♪♪ [ Piano ]

♪ Three littIe maids from schooI are we ♪

♪ Pert as a schoolgirl weIl can be ♪

♪ FiIled to the brim with girIish gIee ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪ Fans.

♪ Everything is a source of fun ♪

♪ Nobody's safe, for we care for none ♪

♪ Life is a joke that's just begun ♪

[ Laughing ]

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪ AII fans rising sIowIy. And --

♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪

[ GiIbert ] Stop! Thank you very much. ♪ Come from -- ♪ Now, Miss Sixpence -- Carte. l beg your pardon. Let me introduce our Japanese guests.


Mr. D'OyIy Carte, our proprietor. Sir.

Please continue. Thank you very much.

Now, Miss Sixpence Please.

That performance that you have just witnessed was not even remoteIy Japanese. Am I right?


[ Speaking Japanese ]

Sir. Japanese? Japanese.

No. No.

Thank you very much. Excuse me, Mr. GiIbert, sir, if I may.

Japanese. Japanese.

Yes. Yes.

He hasn't got the faintest idea what you're taIking about.

That's bIatantIy obvious, D'Auban. [ Laughter ]

AIlora, parlate italiano?

If he doesn't speak EngIish, he's hardIy Iikely to speak ItaIian. ls he, Mrs. RusseII? For goodness sake! I beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert.

[ Italian ] [ Gilbert ] Mrs. RusseII! lt's a waste of time. Uh!

Now, if you three Iadies would come with me, please.

PIease go to the back of the stage. Thank you.

Yes, yes, come upstage. As quickIy as you can.

Come aIong, come aIong. Thank you.

[ Mutters ] [ Rapping Cane ]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed. One, two, three.

Very good. Thank you. Now, what l wouId Iike you to do... when the music commences, I wouId like you to advance downstage.

Thank you very much. CeIIier.

One, two. Two, two.

♪♪ [ Piano ] [ GiIbert ] Off you go.

Come along. Come along. Can we get --

Stop, stop. Thank you, Mrs. RusseII.

WilI this take Iong? I'm to arrange a mazurka at 4:00. lt is apparent that I have not made myseIf clear.

Now, when Mrs. RusseIl commences pIaying on the pianoforte -- diddle-dum, diddIe-dee, diddIe-dee, diddIe-dee -- what l wouId Iike you to do is to advance downstage.

Comme ca.

Diddle-dum, diddIe-do, diddIe-dee, diddle-dee.

[ Actors Laughing ] You understand?

[ Speaking Japanese ] I think you do.

Let's try once more. CeIIier.

One, two. Two, two. ♪♪ [ Piano ]

DiddIe-dee. Come aIong! Come aIong. That's it.

Very good. ExceIlent. That is exactIy it. Thank you very much indeed.

ExceIlent. First-rate! Thank you very much indeed.

Good. Now, D'Auban, that is exactIy what I want.

I do beg your pardon, Mr. GiIbert, but I appear to have missed the point somewhat.

That is the very effect I need. And what effect exactly is that?

Did you not see what they did? Yes. They waIked downstage.

They appeared to me to be ambling aIong the Strand.

[ Jessie ] SimpIy waIking.

They walked downstage in the Japanese manner.

They waIked downstage in the Japanese manner because they are Japanese.

Exactly. And that is precisely why they are here.

Our three Iittle maids are not Japanese. However, they are very funny.

No funnier, however, than they wouId be if they alI sat down on pork pies.

[ Actors Laughing ] Young felIer-me-lad, Mr. GiIbert, sir.

I've arranged Terpsichore -- Chinese, Japanese, everybody-wash-your-knees-- for pantomime, burlesque and the baIIet for many a season, aIways to great accIaim.

D'Auban, this is not low burIesque.

This is an entireIy originaI Japanese opera.

Now, Miss Bond, Miss Braham and Miss Grey, kindIy resume your opening positions.

PIease be seated once more. Thank you. Please be seated. Thank you.

Thank you.

Come aIong. Come along, tortoise. Quickly, quickIy.

[ Laughing ]

What l wouId like you to do now is to perform it... just as you have seen our guests perform it, thank you very much.

Mr. GiIbert. Yes, Jessie?

WouId that be exactly as we have just seen demonstrated?


Without using Monsieur D'Auban's steps, Mr. GiIbert?

I want you to perform it preciseIy as you have seen our Japanese friends perform it.

Thank you very much!

Exactement. C'est pas difficile.

In other words, very sIowly and very boringly.

One, two. Two, two.

♪♪ [ Piano ]

[ GiIbert ] Very good. First-rate.

That is exactIy right. Thank you very much indeed. [ CeIIier ] Thank you, Mrs. RusselI.

I haven't Iaughed so much since me tights caught fire... in Harlequin Meets ltchity-Switch in the Nitch.

[ Seymour ] Decorum in rehearsal, Monsieur D'Auban.

[ Women Laughing ] That's the way, yes. Very good indeed.

Closed. Then hit.

Try them together. Try them together. Try -- Try together.

Three of them, do it aIl together -- the same noise.

[ Gilbert, D'Auban ] One, two, three. [ Fans Snap ]

Ah! ExceIlent.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

[ Fans Snap ]

♪ Three littIe maids from schooI are we ♪

♪ Pert as a schoolgirl weIl can be ♪

♪ FiIled to the brim with girIish gIee ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ Everything is a source of fun ♪

♪ Nobody's safe, for we care for none ♪

♪ Life is a joke that's just begun ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪

♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪

♪ Freed from its genius tuteIary ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ One littIe maid is a bride -- Yum-Yum ♪

♪ Two little maids in attendance come ♪

♪ Three littIe maids is the totaI sum ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ From three IittIe maids take one away ♪

♪ Two little maids remain, and they ♪

♪ Won't have to wait very Iong, they say ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

[ Chorus ] ♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪

♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪

♪ Freed from its genius tuteIary ♪

♪ Three IittIe maids from schooI ♪

♪ Three little maids from schooI ♪♪

[ Gilbert ] Laughing. Ha, ha. Chaffing. Ha, ha.

Nectar quaffing. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But condemned to die is he... wretched, meritorious be.

The Mikado Ieads Katisha off.

[ Murmuring ] Upstairs.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Thus. The traditionaI Japanese posture... as adopted by welI-meaning but misguided underlings... upon the departure of their august superiors.

Thank you.

WouId that be a recognized Japanese attitude, sir?

Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it wiII become one.

Much obIiged.

I'm sure I've seen this on a vase somewhere.

[ Barrington Laughs ]


Thank you, Mr. Gilbert.

Ha! Pretty picture. Eh, Seymour?

Charming, sir.

The Mikado has left, Grossmith.

WeIl, another fine mess you've got us into.

No, Grossmith. My line is, "A nice mess you've got us into."

Nice mess.

And l shouId be much obIiged if you wouId play it comme ca.

WeIl -- a nice mess you've got us into.

Righto, sir.

WeIl -- No.

"WeIl!" [ Loud CIap ]

WeII -- a nice mess you've got us into... with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree.

Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death by something Iingering -- either boiling oiI or meIted lead.

Kindly bear that in mind. Thank you.

WeIl, a nice mess you've got us into... with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree.

Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimiIitude... to a baId and unconvincing narrative.

No, Barrington.

"An otherwise baId and unconvincing narrative."

Was that incorrect? I -- I do beg your pardon.

No, sir. It has onIy just occurred to me.


To an otherwise baId and unconvincing narrative.

Much better. "Corrobatitive" detaiI indeed.

Corroborative detaiI.


Corroborative. Corroborative.

Thank you. SpIendid.

Corroborative detaiI indeed. Corroborative fiddIestick!

And you're just as bad as he is with your cock-and-bulI stories.

"Cock and a bulI."

Cock and a buII -- about catching his eye --

Line. "And his whistIing an air."

And his whistIing hair. [ Laughing ]

Boiling oil, Grossmith. MeIted lead.

Beg pardon, sir.

About catching his eye and his whistIing an air.

But that's so like you. You must stick your oar in.

"You must put in your oar."

[ GiIbert ] Over again.

And you're just as bad as he is... with your cock-and-a-buII stories... about catching his eye and his whistIing an air.

But that's so like you. You must put your oar in.

"You must put in your oar."

Over again.

And you're just as bad as he is... with your cock-and-a-buII stories about catching his eye and his whistIing an air.

But that's so like you. You must put in your oar.

[ Barrington ] Yes, but how about your big right arm?

[ Jessie ] Yes, and your snickersnee.

WeII, weII, never mind that now.

There's onIy one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet.

He must come to life again. At once!

Appear! Appear! Appear! [ Everyone Laughs ]

Yes. Now, since Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum have decided not to grace us with their presence... it would transpire, Mr. Seymour, that your moment of gIory has finaIly arrived.

[ ChuckIing ] Oh, sir.

On your feet, Slopkins! [ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

Whence wouId you like us both to enter, sir?

The honeymoon couple appear at the upstage right entrance... traveIing in a westerIy direction towards Knightsbridge... when your journey is interrupted by Mr. Grossmith.

Mr. Gilbert. Jessie?

Might I use my stick? By aIl means. Are you troubIed?

I'm quite alI right, thank you. [ CIears Throat ]

[ Grossmith ] WelI, weII. [ GiIbert ] WelI, weII.

Well, weIl, never mind that now. There's onIy one thing to be done.

Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet.

He must come to life again. At once!

[ Clumping Footsteps ] Here he comes.

Here, Nanki-Poo.

I have good news for you. You're reprieved. l beg your pardon, Mr. GiIbert. I have failed to provide a vaIise.

Indeed, Seymour. And you have also failed to provide two actors.

Pray continue.

[ Seymour CIearing Throat ]

Oh! But it's too Iate! [ Barrington Laughing ] l am a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

Uncanny, is it not?

Mr. Seymour, pIease inform Mr. LeIy that his services wiII no longer be required.

[ Laughs ] Thank you very much, sir.

Nonsense. A terribIe thing has happened.

[ Cockney Accent ] It seems you're the son of the Mikado.

A terrible thing has just happened, Grossmith. You've become a cockney!

I thought one would suggest something of his Iowly station... being a cheap taiIor and aII.

Rubbish. We're in Japan, for heaven's sake, not Stepney or Bow. Do it properIy.

Oh. Very weII.

Nonsense. A terribIe thing has happened.

It seems you're the son of the Mikado.

Yes. But that happened some time ago.

Is this a time for airy persifIage?

Persiflage, Grossmith.

Is it? lt is.

Is this a time for airy persiflage?

Doesn't sound right to me.

Persiflage, mirage, fromage.

Decoupage. Exactly.

Your father is here, and with Katisha.


It amuses me to say Kah-tish-ah.

It doesn't amuse me, Grossmith. Nor does it scan.

My father? And with Katisha?

Yes. And he wants you particuIarly.

So does she.

[ Murmurs ]

[ High-pitched Voice ] Oh, but he's married now.

[ Others Laughing ]

[ Grossmith ] But bIess my heart, what has that to do with it?

[ Seymour ] Katisha cIaims me in marriage... but I can't marry her because l'm married aIready.

ConsequentIy, she wiIl insist on my execution.

And if I am executed, my wife wilI have to be buried aIive.

[ High-pitched Voice ] You see our difficulty.

Yes. l don't know what's to be done. Make as to leave. Stop him.

There's one chance for you.

If you couId persuade Katisha to marry you... she wouId have no further cIaim on me.

And in that case, I couId come to life without any fear of being put to death.

[ Grossmith ] I? Marry Katisha?

I realIy think it's the only course.

My good girl, have you seen her?

She's something awfuI. "Appalling."

Something appalling. Ah, that's onIy her face.

Ah, that's only her face.

She has a Ieft elbow which peopIe come miIes to see.

I am toId her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.

Yes. CouId we do that line again, pIease, Barrington?

And this time, try it in EngIish. l'm toId her right heeI is much admired by connoisseurs.

That better, sir? MarginaIIy.

[ Grossmith ] My good sir...

I decline to pin my heart upon any Iady's right heeI.

Make as to leave. Stop him.

It comes to this.

While Katisha is singIe, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit.

When Katisha is married... existence wilI be as welcome as the fIowers in spring.


Very good. Over again, if you please.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

And! ♪♪ [ Continues ]


♪ Bah, dah, dah ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah ♪

♪♪ [ Ends ] Thank you, gentIemen.

[ CIears Throat ] Not surprisingly... we were somewhat foxed by the abbreviated restatement.

Uh, Ietter "A."

Discord bordering on cacophony. Second fiddIes?

Indeed, Sir Arthur.

My mistake, Sir Arthur. I do beg your pardon.

My error, sir. l suspect we were a trifle earIy.

Indeed you were, Mr. Harris, and more than a trifIe.

I realIy don't mind whose mistake it -- [ Coughs ] it was, Mr. Plank, as long as it doesn't happen again.

The entry is on the third beat of the bar, not the first. l think that's quite cIear. Yes, sir.

It is, sir. Yes. Very good.

And now, we return to Mr. HurIey.

Good morning, Mr. HurIey. Good morning, Dr. SuIlivan.

You was Iate, Mr. 'Urley. [ Musicians Chuckling ]

My profuse apoIogies to you, sir. Thank you.

I assumed it to be an error on the part of the copyist.

The second beat of the previous bar... appeared to me to be masquerading as the first beat of the next.

Most alarming. But it was not.

Oh, indeed not, for which I do apologize, Dr. SuIIivan.

Mr. HurIey, once again -- saving your bIushes, Maestro --

Dr. SuIIivan is dead.

Long Iive Sir Arthur.

Thank you, Mr. CeIIier. [ Clears Throat ]

Mr. Tripp. Sir?

Owing to the somewhat tardy entry of Mr. Hurley... you quite understandabIy foIlowed suit. AbsoluteIy, sir.

So assuming that Mr. HurIey does enter at the correct pIace, you will too.

Assuming he does, sir, I wiIl, sir. [ SulIivan ] Very good.

Thank you, Mr. Tripp. Thank you, sir.

CapitaI. Uh, gentIemen, once more.

From the beginning, please.

I shalI give you one bar.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪ A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist ♪

♪ To nobody second I'm certainly reckoned ♪

♪ A true phiIanthropist ♪

♪ It is my very humane endeavor ♪

♪ To make to some extent ♪

♪ Each evil Iiver a running river ♪

♪ Of harmIess merriment ♪

♪ My object aII subIime ♪

♪ I shaII achieve in time ♪

♪ To Iet the punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪ [ Fans Snap ]

♪ UnwiIlingIy represent ♪

♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪

♪ Of innocent merriment ♪

♪ The advertising quack who wearies ♪

♪ With taIes of countless cures ♪

♪ His teeth, I've enacted shalI aIl be extracted ♪

♪ By terrified amateurs ♪

♪ The music haII singer attends a series ♪

♪ Of masses and fugues and ops ♪

♪ By Bach, interwoven with Spohr and Beethoven ♪

♪ And cIassicaI Monday Pops ♪

♪ The biIliard sharp whom anyone catches ♪

♪ His doom's extremely hard ♪

♪ He's made to dweII in a dungeon celI ♪

♪ On a spot that's aIways barred ♪

♪ And there he plays extravagant matches ♪

♪ ln fitless finger-staIls ♪

♪ On a cIoth untrue ♪

♪ With a twisted cue ♪

♪ And elIipticaI ♪

♪ BiIliard baIls ♪

♪ My object aII subIime ♪

♪ I shaII achieve in time ♪

♪ To Iet the punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪

♪ UnwiIlingIy represent ♪

♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪

♪ Of innocent merriment ♪

♪ His object aII subIime ♪

♪ He wiII achieve in time ♪

♪ To Iet the punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪

♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪

♪ UnwiIlingIy represent ♪

♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪

♪ Of innocent merriment ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Grossmith ] Did l say "Come in"?

You are required in the auditorium, Mr. Grossmith. l requested five minutes' grace. You have had eight, sir.

Mayn't it wait until tomorrow?

No, sir.

Thank you, Miss Braham.

ls that everyone, Seymour? AlI present and correct, Mr. GiIbert.


I won't keep you, ladies and gentIemen. I know we're aIl extremely tired... and Iooking forward to getting home to our yawning beds.

[ ChuckIing ]


The use of fans, particuIarIy in Act 1 , was fIabby and erratic.

Very scrappy. lndeed, D'Auban.

We shaII address this tomorrow afternoon at 2:00, Seymour.

Two of the cIock.

Ko-Ko's entrance. Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham.

PIease ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword.

You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads... even if it may appear that that is your inevitabIe fate.

[ Actors Chuckling ] l take it, Mr. Grossmith... that this evening's performance was an aberration.


I beg your pardon, sir. Were you addressing me?

I was indeed, sir. How are you?

Quite welI, thank you.

I believe a good night's sleep will cure aII iIIs.

That l took to be the case.

Your performances were, on the whoIe, promising... which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors.

[ AIl ChuckIe ]

One of which might have thought it was in Japan... but the other was apparentIy stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension... that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.

[ All Laughing ]

Where was the man, Mr. Seymour? Rest assured, Mr. Barker... that tomorrow night he wiII be with us in Japan.


Now, cuts. There is onIy one.

In Act 2, the Mikado's song.

[ Woman ] l beg your pardon, Mr. GiIbert. Yes, Miss Brandram.

Surely you can't mean Mr. Temple's solo?

That is exactIy what l mean.

l do think that's a shame, sir. It's a dreadful shame.

Hear, hear.

[ Clears Throat ] My -- My dear Mr. GiIbert.


I'm fulIy aware that the standard of my singing was not quite up to the mark.

Your singing was exemplary, TempIe.

But l can assure you, that once I have mastered the Ieg business...

I shaIl most certainly be at liberty to serve the Iyric. l do apoIogize, Temple. I've not made myself clear.

My decision to cut the song in no way refIects upon your performance of it... which was fine in every respect. [ SuIIivan ] Hear, hear.

The fault, if there is one, lies in my obtuse decision... to write the thing in the first pIace.

I have nothing more to say. Thank you very much. SuIIivan.

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentIemen, uh, if l might presume to take a few more moments of your time.

I should Iike to thank you aII most passionately... for your tremendous hard work and application during these last few weeks.

And if I may say so... the contribution of the chorus was particularly fine.

[ CeIlier ] Hear, hear. l'm immensely proud of you aII.

I do not wish to tempt the Fates... but I feel that we wiIl have a great success.

I have nothing further to add.

Mmm. Only remember -- voce, voce, voce.

[ Actors ChuckIing ]

Buonanotte a tutti. [ Murmurs ]

[ D'Auban ] Now then, young feIIer-me-Iads.

On the whoIe, the Terpsichore was executed very "magnifiqueIy"... notwithstanding the, uh, topsy-turvydom befuddIing Mr. Ko-Ko's entrance.

Otherwise --

♪ In the sea, in the sea, in the sea in the sea, in the sea ♪ Fans out on "sea," not in.


ShouId any gent require a libation...

I shalI be shortIy Iocated at the CoaI HoIe with Mr. Johnnie WaIker.

[ Laughing ] [ Carte ] Thank you, Johnny.

Excellent. Bravissimi.

A splendid achievement.

Be confident, and may you have a good night's rest.

Miss Lenoir.

My thanks and congratulations to you aII.

Now, to hasten you to your slumbers, cabs have been ordered... and will meet you at the stage door as soon as you are ready.

Thank you.

Yes. PIease share a cab with a neighbor. Remember, we are not made of money.

Thank you, ladies and gentIemen.

l felt so terribIe. Oh, so did I.

My heart broke for him. I can't bear to see a man cry.

Was he crying? [ Woman ] He was crushed.

RealIy sad. And he's so awfuIIy funny.

There's people who onIy come to see Mr. Temple perform.

I agree.

My cousins are always asking about him. They've aIready purchased their tickets.

They'll want their money back now.

There are other people in this piece, apart from Mr. Temple, don't you know.

Yes. WelI, he's hardIy in it now, though, is he, Rose?

He's pIaying the Mikado. Thank you, Violet.

Oh, come aIong, EIIen. Be quick.

WiII you be Iong, Catherine? No, I shan't. l wish there was something we could do. WeII, there ain't.

Mr. GiIbert's made his decision, and that's that.

With Mr. Gilbert, one never reaIly knows. ParticularIy before a first night.

I suggest we all go home and get a good night's sleep.

AbsoluteIy. l'm certainIy off. l think you shouId aIl button your Iips and mind your own business. Good night!

[ AlI Laughing, ExcIaiming ] Thoroughly uncaIled for.

Good night, girIs. I don't want to be late for supper.

Good night, Bunny. Bunny, you Iook charming. lt's a fine comic song. lt is.

He sings it spIendidly. He does.

And do you not conceive, gentIemen, that the paying audience deserves to hear it? l agree, WaIter. They do. Rotten luck for poor oId TempIe.

I'm not convinced it's as immortaI a song as aII that.

Nobody said the song was immortaI, Mr. Lewis.

You were discussing it as though it were the HoIy GraiI.

Notwithstanding your reservations about the song, Lewis... you must concede that it is a highly originaI performance.

He'd have done better to cut one of Grossmith's songs.

Mr. Grossmith is a Iittle poorly, Mr. Lewis.

Then he shouId have stayed at home. l think it's a misjudgment.

It is. Someone shouId teII him.

TeII who? GiIbert.

[ AII Exclaiming ] He's only a man Iike the rest of us.

He's not the devil incarnate. l don't know about you, but he fair scares the Iiving daylight out of me.

What about us? [ Walter ] Beg pardon, Price?

Why can't we speak to Mr. Gilbert? [ Others Murmur ]

We couId all go together.

There's no reason why we shouIdn't.

Is there?

[ Lewis ] TeIl a man you admire his Iyrics, he can onIy be gratified.

[ Man ] It's a splendid notion, Mr. Price.

[ Walter ] WeII, gentlemen, here's food for thought. [ Man #2 ] Indeed, Mr. Evans.

GentIemen, I have been a chorister in this company for 28 seasons.

It is my intention to remain one for at Ieast another 28.

[ Lewis ] I'm sure you shaII. Be very careful, Mr. Price.

You must consider yourself and your position.

This is tantamount to professionaI suicide.

[ AII Murmuring ] [ WaIter ] That is a little excessive.

Gentlemen, Iet us repair to the Coal HoIe in the Strand.

[ Conyngham ] Don't be Iong, chaps. [ Others Murmuring ] l'd better go. Good night, gentIemen.

Good night. Good night.

Take heart, old chum. You're going to be wonderfuI.

Quite so, Dickie. [ Carte ] lndeed.

[ LeIy ] Och, aye.

[ HeIen ] Is that not right, wee Durward? Ah, he'II be grand, HeIen.

This has taken us alI quite by surprise.

Mmm. And we all know Mr. GiIbert.

I should have thought it was a fine song. lt is a fine song. Mmm.

Thank you.

[ Helen ] ls there anything we can arrange for you, Mr. TempIe?


No, thank you, Miss Lenoir. l'II be fine.

WelI, it's very Iate. Congratulations, Lely.

First-cIass. Ah, no. [ ChuckIes ]

Did you think so? Oh, yes!

Better and better. Thank you.

Grazie, grazie.

The Beefsteak? I'm ravenous.

Gentlemen, good night. Good night, Helen.

[ Carte ] Good night, Butt. Good night, sir.

Dickie, courage.

WeIl, there you have it, Dickie.

He's an absolute bastard.

I knew something of this order was going to happen.

I sensed it. I told you so.

It reaIly is unconscionabIy crueI.

You've missed your last train, Dickie.

It's too Iate to telegraph to Mrs. Temple now.

What'Il you do?

Oh, I suppose l shaII toddle across the river to my mother's.

She never sleeps.

"There's g'aye few like us... and they're aIl dead."

My father used to say that.




Good afternoon, BoviIl, Miss Langton-James. Good afternoon, Mr. Gilbert.

Good afternoon, Mr. GiIbert. Good afternoon, Miss RusseII.

Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. Gentlemen. Rhys. Good heavens.

Afternoon, Mr. GiIbert. Afternoon, Price.

Might you spare us a moment of your time, pIease?

Of course. That's why we're here. We're about to rehearse.

Please, Mr. GiIbert, sir. Yes, Price. What is it?

We, uh -- Hmm?

The Iadies and gentIemen of the chorus --

[ Whimpers ] Yes?

Concerning Mr. TempIe's song, sir.

Ah. The Mikado's song.

Yes, sir.

And what of that mercifuIIy reIeased aberration?

We alI consider it a very fine song, sir. Indeed we do.

Gratifying, I'm sure.

But that must be a matter of opinion, mustn't it, Price?

WeIl, yes, Mr. Gilbert, but --

We believe it a great Ioss. Terrible Ioss.

Do you? [ Price ] Yes, sir.

[ Man ] We do, sir.

EspeciaIly after alI our extremeIy hard work... and, of course, Mr. TempIe.

I'm reaIly very sorry for you, but, as we alI know, it's an unjust worId.

We aIl feeI it would have been of great benefit to the opera.

And that perhaps it shouId be a matter for the audience to decide. ls this the considered opinion of you aII? [ AIl ] It is, sir. l am not party to this, Mr. GiIbert. Ah, Mr. Kent.

As ever, the soIe voice of reason.

Temple, what do you make of this, uh, occurrence?

I do beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert... but I have absoIuteIy no idea what is taking place.

There's been a request that your song be reinstated.


A most forceful request, l have to say.

[ Grossmith ] Afternoon. Afternoon.

Do clear the way. Oh. Beg pardon, sir.

This is surprising indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

Somewhat overwhelming.

TempIe, wilI you be prepared to sing the song at this evening's performance?

Yes, sir. l wouId.

Then please be so good as to do so.

[ Choristers AppIauding ]

Hip, hip -- [ Cheering ]

RehearsaIs wiIl commence in five minutes. Seymour, where's D'Auban?

CongratuIations, TempIe. Thank you.

[ AII Chattering ] Eh?

Right you are, Pidgeon. Come along! Make haste.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir, it's 7:00, sir.

[ Lucy ] There you are, WiIIie.

WilIie? WilIie!

[ Pidgeon ] The carriage is waiting, sir.


Out of my way, Pidgeon! I do apoIogize, sir.

WilIie! We must be leaving.

[ Sighs ] We don't want to be Iate.

You Iook beautiful, madam. Oh, thank you, Mrs. Judd. lt's most pleasant to be appreciated. Don't worry, madam.

♪♪ [ Orchestra Tuning ] [ Audience Chattering ]

Good evening, Cook. Evening, sir.

[ Knocks ] [ Grossmith ] Come in.

[ SulIivan ] G.G. Arthur.

Your very good health. Yours too, Arthur. SpIendid piece.

Τhank you. We shaIl both be splendid tonight.

Too many words. [ ChuckIes ] l thought I'd just pop in. Much appreciated.

So very frightened of losing --

One had to stay by the door, don't you know.

Beg your pardon?

Fifty pounds per week isn't too much to ask.

Behaves more like a man than a woman.

G.G., try to remember to breathe properly.

Yes, yes, yes.

This year. Next year.

Too much noise.

George, shaIl we fetch you a doctor?

I know doctors.

Coming in here, picking and fussing over one.

Magnetizing the chiIdren.

We shalI have a great triumph, you know.

What is the time, by the way?

A quarter past. [ Moans ]

The dreaded hour approaches.

Now. Take a deep breath.

[ Inhales ]

[ QuietIy ] And again.

Very good.

[ Jessie ] Who is it? Gilbert.

Oh, do come in. [ Leonora ] Come in, Mr. Gilbert.

A brief intrusion. How are you, Mr. Gilbert?

As weII as any condemned man can expect.

[ Leonora GiggIes ]

How are you ladies?

A Iittle anxious, Mr. Gilbert.

Ah! You have every right to be anxious under the circumstances.

I don't suppose you'lI be with us this evening? lndeed not, Jessie. Why on earth should l want to consort with the foe?

Oh, but l'm quite sure we shaII have a great success, Mr. GiIbert.

I wish I possessed your confidence.

[ Clears Throat ] WeIl, Jessie, bonne chance.

Thank you. And you, tortoise.

Thank you, Mr. Gilbert.

Very good. [ Clears Throat ]

I shall put on my kimono now, please, Emily.

Oh, very welI, Miss Braham.

Good evening, Cook. Sir. ls Mr. Grossmith respectabIe? I'm afraid not, sir.

We'Il return later, George. Oh, thank you.

Good evening. Sir. Uh, uh --

[ Knocks ] [ Grossmith ] No, Cookie!

Gilbert. Oh, beg pardon, sir.

May I come in? l'm in my birthday suit.

Ah. Are we not receiving? No, sir.

Good Iuck, Grossmith. And be careful with the sword.


[ Grunts ] WaIk, boy! Yes, sir.

Permission, Mr. Cook.

Permission withheld, sir. On your way.

Thank you, sir. Good luck, sir.

Five minutes, sir.

[ Carriage WheeIs RattIing ] [ Dog Barking ]

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪ Miya sama, miya sama ♪

♪ On n'm-ma no maye ni ♪

♪ Pira-Pira suru no wa ♪

♪ Nan gia na ♪

♪ Toko tonyare, tonyare na ♪

♪ Miya sama, miya sama ♪

♪ On n'm-ma no maye ni ♪

♪ Pira-Pira suru no wa ♪

♪ Nan gia na ♪

♪ Toko tonyare ♪

♪ Tonyare na ♪

♪ From every kind of man ♪

♪ Obedience l expect ♪

♪ I'm the emperor of Japan ♪

♪ And I'm his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ He'lI marry his son He's onIy got one ♪

♪ To his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ My moraIs have been decIared ♪

♪ ParticuIarIy correct ♪

♪ But they're nothing at aII compared with those ♪

♪ Of his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ Bow, bow ♪

♪ To his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ Bow, bow ♪

♪ To his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ In a fatherly kind of way ♪

♪ I govern each tribe and sect ♪

♪ AIl cheerfulIy own my sway ♪

♪ Except his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ As tough as a bone with a wiII of her own ♪

♪ Is his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ My nature is love and light ♪

♪ My freedom from aII defect ♪

♪ ls insignificant quite ♪

♪ Compared with his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ Bow, bow ♪

♪ To his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ Bow, bow ♪

♪ To his daughter-in-Iaw eIect ♪

♪ A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist ♪

[ Dog Barking ln Distance ]

[ PeopIe Chattering ] [ Baby Crying ]

Get off. Be good. Be good.

What are you do -- l'm good. I'm good.

Take your hands off me!

Oh, don't rub your smelI off on me!

You stinking bitch! [ Muttering ]

Just let me go, you cow!

Oh, you're a Iovely big boy.

How old are you? Don't you touch me!

Who made the world, arsehoIe?

♪♪ [ Orchestra Continues ]

♪ The criminaI cried as he dropped him down ♪

♪ ln a state of wild aIarm ♪

♪ With a frightful, frantic fearful frown ♪

♪ l bared my big right arm ♪

♪ l seized him by his littIe pigtaiI ♪

♪ And on his knees felI he ♪

♪ As he squirmed and struggIed and gurgIed and guggIed ♪

♪ I drew my snickersnee ♪

♪ My snickersnee ♪

♪ Oh, never shaIl I forget the cry ♪

♪ Or the shriek that shrieked he ♪

♪ As l gnashed my teeth ♪

♪ When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee ♪

♪ We know him weII He cannot teII ♪

♪ Untrue or groundless taIes ♪

♪ He aIways tries to utter Iies ♪

♪ And every time, he faiIs ♪

♪ He shivered and shook as he gave the sign ♪

♪ For the stroke he didn't deserve ♪

♪ When aIl of a sudden his eye met mine ♪

♪ And it seemed to brace his nerve ♪

♪ For he nodded his head and kissed his hand ♪

♪ And he whistled an air did he ♪

♪ As the saber true cut cIeanly through ♪

♪ His cervicaI vertebrae ♪

♪ His vertebrae ♪

♪ When a man's afraid a beautiful maid ♪

♪ Is a cheering sight to see ♪

♪ And it's, oh, I'm gIad that moment sad ♪

♪ Was soothed by sight of me ♪

♪ Her terribIe taIe you can't assaiI ♪

♪ With truth, it quite agrees ♪

♪ Her taste exact for fauItIess fact ♪

♪ Amounts to a disease ♪

♪ Now, though you'd have said that head was dead ♪

♪ For its owner dead was he ♪

♪ It stood on its neck with a smile weIl-bred ♪

♪ And bowed three times to me ♪

♪ It was none of your impudent offhand nods ♪

♪ But as humbIe as couId be ♪

♪ For it clearly knew the deference due ♪

♪ To a man of pedigree ♪

♪ Of pedigree ♪

♪ And it's, oh, I vow this deathIy bow ♪

♪ Was a touching sight to see ♪

♪ Though trunkless yet it couIdn't forget ♪

♪ The deference due to me ♪

♪ This haughty youth he speaks the truth ♪

♪ Whenever he finds it pays ♪

♪ And in this case, it aII took place ♪

♪ Exactly as he says ♪

♪ Exactly, exactIy, exactIy ♪

♪ Exactly as he ♪

♪ Says ♪♪

♪ For he's gone and married Yum-Yum ♪ ♪ Yum-Yum ♪

♪ Your anger pray bury for alI wilI be merry ♪

♪ I think you had better succumb ♪ ♪ Cumb-Cumb ♪

♪ And join our expressions of gIee ♪

♪ On this subject, I pray you be dumb ♪ ♪ Dumb-Dumb ♪

♪ Your notions, though many are not worth a penny ♪

♪ The word for your guidance is mum ♪ ♪ Mum-Mum ♪

♪ You've a very good bargain in me ♪

♪ On this subject, we pray you be dumb dumb-dumb ♪

♪ We think you had better succumb cumb-cumb ♪

♪ You'Il find there are many who'll wed for a penny ♪

♪ Who'Il wed for a penny ♪

♪ There are Iots of good fish in the sea ♪

♪ There's lots of good fish good fish in the sea ♪

♪ There's Iots of good fish good fish in the sea, in the sea ♪

♪ In the sea, in the sea, in the sea ♪

♪ The threatened cIoud has passed away ♪ ♪ BrightIy shines the dawning day ♪

♪ What though the night may come too soon ♪ ♪ We've years and years of afternoon ♪

♪ Then let the throng our joy advance ♪

♪ With Iaughing song and merry dance ♪

♪ Then let the throng our joy advance ♪

♪ With Iaughing song and merry dance ♪

♪ With Iaughing song ♪

♪ With joyous shout With joyous shout and ringing cheer ♪

♪ lnaugurate Inaugurate their new career ♪

♪ With joyous shout and ringing cheer inaugurate their new career ♪

♪ With Iaughing song and merry dance ♪

♪ With song ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Dance ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]

[ Cheering, Shouting ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Whistling, Applause ]

Pish. Peep.


[ Loud Cheering ]

[ Applause Continues ] [ Footsteps ]


How bad was it? UtterIy dreadful.

A joke! l jest!

And Grossmith? A Iamentable spectacIe.

Mmm. Are you ready, GiIbert?

Ready for what -- the gibbet?

[ Applause Continues ]

[ Seymour ] And fuIl company.

Now, from the middIe, bow.

[ Seymour ] Thank you very much.

[ Enthusiastic Cheering ]

[ Audience ] Bravo! Bravo!

There's something inherently disappointing about success.

Climax and anticIimax, WilIie.

I don't quite know how to take praise.

It makes my eyes red.

It must be rather pleasant to receive it nonetheless.

I suppose so, if one feeIs one deserves it.

I don't think anyone would deny that you deserve it, WilIie.

I know my Iimitations.

I shouId rather Iike to be an actor upon the stage.

An actor? Yes.

Wouldn't it be wondrous if perfectly commonpIace peopIe... gave each other a round of appIause at the end of the day?

WeIl done, Kitty! WeIl done.

[ Laughing ] WeII done, Kitty! Bravo. Encore.

Thank you, WiIIie.

WeIl, you must be tired. Must l? l shaIl leave you to your beauty sIeep. No, don't go.

Any thoughts racing round in that old brain of yours?

Thoughts of what nature?

Concerning your next piece.

Ah! That monster.

No, not as yet.

Perhaps you should do something compIetely and utterly different and unusuaI.

Such as what? Oh, weII, I don't know.

Come along, suggest something. Oh.

[ Chuckles ]

WeII --

You shouId have a young and beautiful heroine.


Who grows old and pIain.

As she graduaIIy becomes older and oIder... the Iadies' chorus becomes younger and younger.

Ah. Topsy-turvy.


And how wouId it commence, this comic opera of yours?

With the gentIemen's chorus, of course.

A chorus of fat Ieeches.

Leeches? Yes.

No, they'd be gentlemen, and they'd be in their carriages... and they'd be rushing across the stage.

The horses wouId be galIoping across the stage... and the Iadies wouId be chasing after them, endeavoring to talk to them.

But they wouIdn't be Iistening. They'd aII be far too busy.

Mmm. Expensive to stage.

And there'd be dozens of doors and ticking cIocks on the stage.

And he's made a vow to give her the key, but he never does.

And who might "he" be?

WeIl, he's her husband, I suppose. The hero.

No, not the hero.

Anyway, one day --

No. Late one night... she suddenIy decides to try the door.

And it opens.

Ah, so it wasn't Iocked after aII.

And she climbs up the stairs... and there, on the sands, are hundreds of nannies... alI pushing empty perambuIators about.

And every time she tries to be born...

he strangIes her with her umbiIicaI cord.


I shouldn't imagine SuIlivan would much care for that.

I'm proud of myseIf... triumphant, exhilarated... exhausted, revived... and fed up to the back teeth with these wretched kidneys.

Poor oId thing.

Arthur, an oId demon has come back to haunt us at a most unweIcome time.

What on earth do you mean?


I didn't want to teIl you.

Are you sure? Yes.

How Iong have you known?

Ten days.

Oh, Fanny.

I shall make the arrangements.

That won't be necessary.

I couldn't go through that again.

I'm sorry that you have to.

I've made my own arrangements.

Have you?

Someone has been recommended to me.

After alI, it is 1 885, Arthur.

I love The Mikado You've put everything you are into it.

You Iight up the worId.

You can't heIp it.

I must fly.

"Yes, l am indeed beautifuI.

Sometimes l sit and wonder... in my artIess Japanese way... why it is that I am so much more attractive... than anybody eIse in the whole worId.

Can this be vanity?


Nature is loveIy... and rejoices in her IoveIiness.

I am a chiId of Nature... and take after my mother."

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

♪ The sun, whose rays are alI abIaze ♪

♪ With ever-Iiving gIory ♪

♪ Does not deny his majesty ♪

♪ He scorns to telI a story ♪

♪ He don't excIaim I blush for shame ♪

♪ So kindly be induIgent ♪

♪ But fierce and boId in fiery goId ♪

♪ He gIories all effuIgent ♪

♪ I mean to rule the earth ♪

♪ As he the sky ♪

♪ We reaIIy know our worth ♪

♪ The sun and l ♪

♪ l mean to ruIe the earth as he the sky ♪

♪ We reaIIy know our worth ♪

♪ The sun ♪

♪ And l ♪

♪ Observe his fIame that pIacid dame ♪

♪ The moon's CeIestiaI Highness ♪

♪ There's not a trace upon her face ♪

♪ Of diffidence or shyness ♪

♪ She borrows Iight that through the night ♪

♪ Mankind may alI accIaim her ♪

♪ And truth to teII she Iights up welI ♪

♪ So I, for one, don't bIame her ♪

♪ Ah, pray, make no mistake ♪

♪ We are not shy ♪

♪ We're very wide awake ♪

♪ The moon and I ♪

♪ Ah, pray, make no mistake ♪

♪ We are not shy ♪

♪ We're very wide awake ♪

♪ The moon ♪

♪ And I ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]