Trail of the Pink Panther (1982) Script

He's going in.


Chief Inspector.

Hail to the chief.

Come right in. Good to see you.

Your disguise is ready for final fitting.

I'm sure you will be pleased. Inspector Clouseau is here!

Chief Inspector. Chief!

I saw some very interesting noses.

Those noses over there are for the amateurs.

I have some in my private stock.

You always did have a nose for noses.

How are you?

I'm sorry. Our Valentine Day stock isn't ready yet, but we have some beauties here for you.

Let's try this one first. Here's a marvelous one.

All right. Can we get that on there?

What do you think of that? Wait. Yes.

I call this one "The Way We Were."

Do you like it with the profile? It's from our Streisand line.

You like it? I don't like it, either.

Sorry, I almost took your nose with that.

Let's try... what are you doing?

Come over here. Let's try this one now.

I think you will like this one. It's very suitable for your face.

It fits in with your lines. What do you think of that?

I call this one "Wino and Roses."

Did you notice that...

The veins are quite lifelike, don't you agree?

I'm particularly proud of the enlarged pores.

Look at this one right here.

I wasn't crazy about it, either. We will try something else.

Something... Something's missing.

Something missing there. How about that?

Does that supply it for you?

That's very nice.

There is a nose, Auguste. That is a nose.

You have a nose for noses. Get the wigs.

I always can tell immediately I see the nose.

We call this one our "Inky-dinky-doo."

That's from our Inky-dinky-doo line.

What do you have to go with this?

We will find something. This will keep you very warm.

This has a nice effect with that.

That is too legal. Too legal.

I want something sort of... Here's something illegal here.

Leave it to Dr. Balls!

Auguste! Look at what you've done.

You like it? You're a genius!

We need... Something.

Something is missing. I know what's missing.

Here are some teeth on the house.

Let me see how they look.


Look at this! You are a genius at your art!

My dear boy!

He's still inside.

What do you want us to do when he comes out?

Follow him.


Come down and wrap the Chief Inspector's purchase, please.

I've recently been doing something very daring in a stump.

Arm and leg. Only 900 francs for the complete kit.

It has been my experience that, in an emergency, a stump can get in the way.

Martha, you remember Chief Inspector Clouseau?

I never set eyes on this gentleman before.

Good evening, Martha.

I cannot believe my eyes!

That is because your husband is a genius, madame.

Wrap these up, please.

I want that nose to go with it.

Impossible. Money is no object.

That is absolutely the ugliest nose I have ever seen in my life.

It is so revolting, it is a masterpiece.

It is also Martha's own nose.

My compliments, madame.

It suits you.

Thank you, Chief Inspector.

Thank you.

I will get your bill.

My God, Auguste, what have you done?

The left heel is cleverly built up, which gives added height and authority.

But the real secret is in the right heel.

The life like clubfoot look is caused by a built-in spring which digs into the ankle, causing excruciating pain.

Very realistic, don't you think?

Remarkable. How soon can I have a pair?

I can have them ready for you by Wednesday.

Thank you very much, madame.

Auguste, my sincere thanks, and to you, madame.

You like the hand? I'll pack them up with the shoes.

We're having a hand sale.

It will come in handy for scratching in case you have any hand jobs.

We will see you soon, Inspector.

Chief. Chief Inspector. Good-bye.

We'll see you soon. Good-bye.

Oh, my God!

I've never...

I can't...

I've never been in such pain!

Shall I kiss it and make it better?

It's not that bad!

And, so for the third time in the memory of modern man, the world's largest cut diamond, the famous Pink Panther, has been stolen.

Since the reign of Akbar the Magnificent in the early 12th century until therecent bloodless coup of the former colonel, now president, Sandover Haleesh, the Pink Panther has been the symbol of continuity of the Kurfili, therulingfamily of the tiny Middle East nation of Lugash.

Princess Dala... Yes? chief Inspector Dreyfus. Send him right in.

...current military regime, who have kept the gem under the tightest security...

I came as soon as I got your message, Commissioner.

I commend your promptness. Thank you.

You have heard of the theft in Lugash?

The Pink Panther. Yes, of course.

It is in all the papers.

Soon, I imagine, they will be sending us a request for assistance in catching the criminals.

I have already received such a request from the president of Lugash personally.

I see. How many men did the president ask for?

Only one... Inspector Jacques Clouseau.


See that he is on the next plane.

Of course.

But, Commissioner, don't you think that someone more conventional would... not to take anything away from Clouseau... but, in view of the tense situation in the Middle East...

I am aware of the tense situation between you and Clouseau.

However, Lugash has requested Clouseau, and Clouseau they will have.

Your finger's in my ink.

What's he doing in there?


Nice weather we are having.

I had hoped we had finally laid to rest your obsession with Inspector Clouseau.

So had I, Doctor.

Something has happened to bring on this relapse?

No, not something.

Someone. The one.

No, perhaps you're right.

Something. He is a thing.

Clouseau? Yes, Clouseau.

Your compulsion to kill Clouseau... is it also back?

Yes, right back.

The thought of a world without Clouseau fills me with delight, like a summer with a thousand Julys.

It intoxicates my soul with...

Your eyes. What?

"Intoxicates my soul with your eyes."

You lapsed into the lyrics of You Go to My Head.

I did? I apologize.

Never apologize for Cole Porter.

Besides, your subconscious has confirmed what we already know.

That Clouseau has got into my head.


How do you suppose you are going to get him out of there?

I don't know. I don't suppose.

You are supposed to suppose and give me all the answers!

The commissioner wants him in Lugash.

Let the commissioner handle it! I don't want to know.

I don't want to be there. I want to be here with you.

What are you thinking, Doctor?

It wasn't Cole Porter.

It was Gillespie and Coots.

The deputy commissioner to see you.

The commissioner? Send him in immediately.

Come in, Commissioner.

I want to discuss the Pink Panther robbery.

I am at your service, Commissioner.

Allow me to offer you a small cigar.

Swine cigars. Pay no attention to them whatsoever.

Let them roll.

Read this most carefully. Give me your opinion.

I will read my opinion and give you yours most carefully.

Do you have a light? In the top left-hand drawer.

I'm dancing in the rice Just dancing in the rice

What a wonderful feeling I'm... happy in the rice Always happy...

Allow me.

Excuse me.

Clouseau called. He wants me to take him to the airport.

Then take him.

Let the president of Lugash worry about his blood pressure a while.

He's not going to Lugash. What?

He's booked on the 12:15 flight to London.

He suspects the Phantom to be responsible for the robbery.

He said that since Sir Charles lives in England...

Sir Charles Litton lives in the south of France.

Yes, sir. Shall I tell him?

Don't bother. He would just say, "I know that."

Trying to talk sense to Clouseau is like Einstein trying to explain relativity to a "minkey."

Does Sir Charles know you're coming?

No, I want it to remain a surprise.

What's wrong?

Your pop-out lighter is refusing to pop out.

It's supposed to pop out automatically when it reaches a specific temperature.

What exactly is this specific temperature?

I don't know.

You should have checked with the factory.

It is obvious that this pop-out lighter has reached this specific pop-out temperature and is refusing to pop out.

First rule for the car owner... knowyour automobile.

But it is your automobile.

I know that, but it is not my pop-out lighter.

If it were, I would know the specific pop-out temperature.

Clouseau was trying to fix the lighter.

He's sure that someone planted a bomb in the car.

Yes, someone should have... I mean, could have done that.

He wired Scotland Yard and said he was arriving in disguise.


What kind of disguise? Disguised as what?

Didn't say.

How are we going to tell how to look for him?

Don't bother. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Pleasereturn to your seat and fasten your seatbelt.

There is turbulence ahead. Thank you.

Yes, very good trip.

Morning, sir. Enjoy your trip?

Yes, yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Morning, madame.

Can I help you? Thank you.

Inspector Clouseau, I'm Drummond from Scotland Yard.

I am Henri Botot, mustard salesman from Dijon.

Can I give you a lift, Monsieur Botot?

That would be very kind of you, Mr. Yard.

Drummond. How is Scotland these days?

Pardon? Scotland.

I have some relations who are from Scotland.

My grandmother on my father's side.

I'm quite fluent in Gaelic.

It is the night of moons on the night of Gladez.

Inspector McLaren, this is Monsieur Botot...

From Dijon.

How do you do?

I was just telling Sergeant Yard about my father-in-law's sister on my sergeant's side.

You go round the back.

At last.

My own house, my own swimming pool.

My own 38-23-38.


Read it to me.

"Dear Chief Commissioner, happy birthday.

Hope you enjoy the 3,000 pounds of Jell-o."

3,000 pounds of Jell-o?

There must be some mistake.

Where would I put 3,000 pounds of Jell-o?

Besides, only Clouseau would be stupid enough to send me 3,000 pounds of Jell-o.

Hello, yes?

This is Inspector Drummond of Scotland Yard.

I know it's late. I hope I didn't wake you up.

It's quite all right. In fact, you did me a favor.

Who is it?

What can I do for you, Inspector?

It's about Inspector Clouseau.

Ml5 called and reported that Libyan agents heard a rumor that there might be an assassination attempt against Clouseau.

Really? Who else wants to kill him?

I mean, who is behind it?

We don't know, but it comes from a reliable source.

We've told Clouseau, but he just laughed and said...

"'The moving finger writes."'


When it's Clouseau, he could mean anything.

Do you know what time it is? Willyou shut up?

No, not you.

Where is he now? At his hotel.

I think you should order him back to Paris until we verify this rumor one way or another.

Under no circumstances allow him to go to Lugash.

Do you have for me the message?

You want a massage? If you have one for me, yes.

Why don't you try Tokyo Lil at the end of the block?

Ask for Passionflower Shirley, the Yokohama Butterfly.

Why should I do that? You want a massage, don't you?

Yes, but I want it from you.

Sir, I don't give massages. You gave me one this morning.

You're mistaken.

Don't you try the tricks Anglais with me, monsieur.

I received a message this morning from Inspector Quinlan of the Yard of Scotland.

The message! You gave it to me!

Message. You mean "message."

I know what I mean, you lunatic.

Do you or do you not have for me the message?

No, sir. For you there is no message.

Grouse-Moor Hotel.

Inspector clouseau. Leaving?

He just went up to his room. I'll ring.

Thank you.

Yes? This is Chief Inspector Clouseau.

Turn your bed down, sir.

Where are you? Can you hear me?

Yes? You were saying?

Idiot! Can you hear me?

Now then... what was that you were saying?

Your message!

Your phone.

To the airport, my good man, and drive like the wind.

Right, sir.

I knew that.

I've got a headache. I don't want to hear another word.

Every time you get mixed up with Clouseau...

That's enough! What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? You can't.

The same thing I've been doing every morning for the last two years.

You can't!

I'm sick and tired of you telling me what I can do and what I can't.

Suit yourself.

I hope you like the new pool cover you ordered.

I think you made a mistake, Colonel.

Wrong, and never call me "Colonel," Colonel Bufoni.

I am nowyour president and I am infallible.

It says so in the new constitution.

That you wrote yourself when you were still a colonel.

You were a captain, which you could soon become again.

Yes, Mr. President. It's just that sending for Clouseau...

...was a stroke of genius.

He found the Pink Panther before. He will find it again.

Possibly. And then?

Then... the grateful people of Lugash will shower me, President Haleesh, with praise and honor and their daughters.

And the insurance companies which have already paid our government's claim of $12 million for the theft of the Pink Panther... what will they shower you with?

Why didn't you mention this before I sent for Clouseau?

You didn't tell me till now that you'd requested assistance from somebody else's police force.

Maybe we can withdraw the request.

Not we, Mr. President... you. Only you can't.

Clouseau's plane, at this minute, is winging its way to Lugash.

Perhaps he won't find the Pink Panther.

Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.

Colonel, you wouldn't. To save my president.

Do what you must, Colonel.

Just don't tell me about it.

The president's conscience must be unblemished.

You understand my meaning, General?

As the hand understands the glove, o Great one.

Try to get control of yourself, my friend.

Giving in in this way is not healthy.

If I were healthy, why would I be here, Doctor?

I was referring to your blood pressure.

I see. He's such a maniac, such an idiot, such a fool.

And such a lucky fool.

He would fall backwards down a manhole and wind up in the arms of Brooke Shields.

Now London half in ruins and Lugash, a helpless desert country, about to be devastated.

Get hold of yourself. I'm trying.

You don't want to end up at Happy Acres again.

No, but until Clouseau is out of my hair, out of my life forever, I'm doomed.

I'll never smile again.

Frank Sinatra with the Pied Pipers and Tommy Dorsey.

I'm falling apart and you go down memory lane with your silly jazz.

They know not to interrupt me when I am with a patient unless it is an emergency.

Hello? Emergency call for the inspector.

It would seem the emergency is not mine but yours.

I have terrible news for you. What?

Inspector Clouseau's plane is missing.

You are sure? Positive. I am sorry.

I'll be right there. Thank you.

Dr. Longet, good-bye.

You see before you a man reborn, cured, sane, sound as a Swiss franc.

The phone call was good news? Wonderful news.

Clouseau's plane is overdue and presumed lost into the sea and out of my life forever.

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair.

I know... Mary Martin, South Pacific.

I'm going to wash that man right outta my hair I'm going to wash that man right outta my hair

She's here. Come in.

I think this is a mistake. Tell her I'm out of town on a case.

Do you think that's wise? You think talking to her is wise?

You were his immediate superior.

"Were." You really think he's past tense?

It certainly seems possible. It would be wonderful.

Sooner or later, a persistent reporter like Marie Jouvet...

What can I say? What can I tell her?

That I thought him an imbecile?

That I thought he was the luckiest man in the world with the brain of a retarded clam?

Of course not. Of course not.

You and I know he was an idiot, but to the rest of the world, he was the greatest detective since Sherlock Holmes.

If I tell the truth... Then don't.

He's gone. Give them the hero they want.

It's no skin off your nose.

But is he gone? Is he really?

I've got this ghastly feeling that next week or tomorrow, I'll open the trunk of my car or my closet, and..."Peekaboo!"

Even so, I don't think you have a choice.

What if I don't bring it off?

Where Clouseau is concerned, my emotions lurk below the surface like a floating mine.

Oh, God, I can't do it. You can do it.

I can do it? Yes, I can do it.

No, you do it.

Miss Jouvet.

Miss Jouvet, how nice of you to come.

Please make yourself comfortable. Pull up a clam.

How would you describe Inspector clouseau?

I've never known a man like him.

He was...unique.

Could you be more specific?

I could be, but...

To start with, he was...unorthodox.

In what way? In every way. can you give me an example? An example.

Yes. For instance, to keep himself constantly alert to any attack, he instructed his chinese manservant to attack him wherever and whenever he could.

That's not only unorthodox, it's bizarre.

He sounds like a real nut. Shut up.

There wererumors that you and he didn't get along.

I suppose we occasionally had our...little disagreements, but when you work with somebody for 20 years, you can't always be expected to see... see eye to eye.

Then you think he was a good detective?

He was...

I think he was...

You can't just say he was a...

There are no words to describe what hereally was.

How about "genius"?

That is a word. courageous? courageous?

The president twice decorated him for bravery.


That sounds like a courageous man to me.

Yes, it certainly sounds that way, hmm?

He was reputed to be a great athlete.

You have no idea what an athlete he was.

A karate black belt.

A black belt? An expert marksman.

A born leader.

Inspector, I'm so sorry.

Oh, he's crying.

This is Bruno. I want a meeting right away.

Who with? Everybody.

Okay, boss.

It was part of your job to attack him like that?

Oh, yes.

Cato, I'm back on the case!

Now to set the trap, catch the killer...

...and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder.

We'll have to accelerate our training program.

You must learn to attackwherever and whenever I least expect.

You must give no quarter.

Didn't anyone ever get hurt? Yes, mostly me.

There was one time, however, when the Mafia imported a ninja.

The inspector thought the ninja was me.

Poor ninja.

I know just how he felt.

Now with your boss gone, no more sneak attacks.

You must be very relieved.

Not entirely.

Sometimes when you do something long enough, you miss it, even if it was painful.

What do you think happened to the inspector?

Beats me.

Inspector Clouseau's residence. Marie Jouvet, please.

One moment, please. It's for you.

This is Sergeant Duval speaking.

I have that information for you.

Clouseau's former assistant Hercule Lajoy is living on a river barge called The Moth.

Hercule Lajoy? Who wants to know?

Marie Jouvet. I'm a television reporter.

I know what you are.

Can I come aboard? I want to talk to you.

You want answers? Of course.

How can I give you answers? I am taking a nap.

I'll wait untilyou wake up.

All right.

You're even better looking than you are on television.

Thank you. Thank you.

I have the distinct impression that I was expected.

Clouseau has disappeared. You are a reporter.

Elementary. Spoken like a true policeman.

A retired policeman.

May I sit? As you choose.

You worked with Clouseau.

Yes, he was unique.

Intuitive, a man who followed his hunches?

Who can tell what Clouseau followed?

He was the most successful man on the force.

Everything I thought made up a proper investigation... he did the opposite.

Facts, Hercule. Facts.

Nothing matters but the facts.

Without them, the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.

Listen to me and you will learn something.

The facts in this case are... the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid.


Cause of death... four bullets in the chest.


The bullets were fired at close range from a.25 caliber Beretta automatic.


Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand.

The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased...

Miguel ostos... and was kept, mark you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce.

Members of the household staff have testified that Miguel ostos beat...

Careful, you fool. You've broken my pointing stick.

I've got nothing to point with now.

...have testified that Miguel ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently.

Finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis.

Now then, Hercule, what is the inescapable conclusion?

Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

What? You idiot. Impossible.

She's protecting someone. How do you know that?

Instinct! But, the facts.

You are forgetting the most important fact... motive.

He beat her. He was Spanish.

He tore her dress off. Don't be ridiculous.

Would you kill somebody who tore your dress off?

I suppose not. Of course not.

No, there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever, Hercule.

Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody.

Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer.

And I shall find the murderer before the day is out.

Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is.

Yet Clouseau was proved right. Maria Gambrelli was innocent.

Clouseau was always proved right at the end of the case, but on the way, even he made a few miscalculations.

Now he is lost in the sea.

I admired his successes, but his methods... they made a mockery of everything I knew of police work.

So I quit, but I have a good life.

I carry a few cargos, charter to a group of tourists in August when it gets too hot to stay in Paris.

Don't you miss it sometimes... the excitement?

Young lady, if I missed the excitement, don't you think I would bait my hook?

Thank you, Hercule Lajoy.

I like you, and I don't think you're nearly the hard case you make yourself out to be.

I like Hercule, too, just because he is the hard case he seems to be.

If you really want to get to the bottom of this Clouseau thing, forget about the ones on his side of the law.

Dig up some of the crooks he caught, or didn't catch.

Call again when you're in the neighborhood!

Thank you. I may do that.

They only show the top half of you on television.

I'm glad the bottom is as good. Me, too.

How's business?

Better. Picking up.

Clouseau disappears, business gets better?

Sure thing. Yeah, boss.

This Marie Jouvet...

She's snooping around. So what?

Who knows? But I think it's better if we put a tail on her.

Louis, she's no dummy.

Pick a couple of good boys, huh? Done.

When I first met Inspector clouseau about 20 years ago in cortina, I had a nasty ski accident.

Unfortunately, clouseau happened to be staying at the same hotel.


Excuse me. My leg is caught.

You were married to Inspector Clouseau.


Had you known Sir Charles before Cortina?

Only casually.

I am willing to bet you 10,000 francs that the Phantom is in Cortina at this very moment.

Even, perhaps, in this very room.

How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

I agree with the inspector.

Ten of his victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

What are you all talking about? The notorious Phantom.

I've never heard of him.

The little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.

There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom.

Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.

I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned.

There is one other duplication, but that is his trademark, his calling card, so to speak.

He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Sounds terribly theatrical.

If I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.

Really? Who?

Who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

I suppose I do. The Pink Panther.

Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.

He'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe at...

Your Highness, please, don't say it here.

If I'm not being too nosy, I read that there was some dispute over ownership of the Pink Panther.

It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father.

I shall never surrender it. Why should you?

When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people.

There's even talk of the international court deciding the issue.

Why don't I steal the diamond, leave that glove behind, and you and I can split the insurance?

All right.

I feel like dancing. Your Highness?

I'd love to.

How about you, madame? Yes, of course.

Your leg is better, Sir Charles. What?

I say, your leg is better.

Much better, thank you.

Mr. Tucker...

That's my beer.

In May 1964, you divorced Inspector Clouseau.

Ayear later... I married the man of my dreams.

Who was that, darling?

That fellow Clouseau accused of being the notorious Phantom.

Oh, him. You have to forgive her. She's not very good on names.

He's terribly attractive. But she has impeccable taste.

What made Inspector Clouseau think you were the Phantom?

An anonymous phone call.

I see. Come up immediately.

Sir Charles. The Phantom.

I've really got him this time.

Of course he was wrong. About what?

About you being the Phantom. Of course he was wrong.

Wrong, but persistent.

Persistent he was.

He was convinced I was planning to steal the Pink Panther.

When Princess Dala gave a costume ball at her villa in Rome, clouseau was there with his men.


Yes. Must be hell in there.

But it's not so good in there.

Anything suspicious? No, nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere, mingling here, mingling there, watching all the time.

How dare you drink on duty! Who is inside there?

Sergeant Walter! Sergeant Quash.

Go on behaving like this and I'll have your stripes!

The Pink Panther was stolen that night?

By a gorilla.

Come back. It's me!

To my dying day, I'll never forget that old man trying to cross the street.

Come on, faster!


What's the matter with you? Can't you drive faster?

We've been down this street. Come on.

Quick! This is the road they have gone up.

Don't argue with me. I know where they've gone!

George, any idea how we get out of here?

I don't know. I've been up this street, that one, that one.

How are we gonna get out? Try the high road.

I'll take the high road, you take the low road.

So long, Uncle Charles. - Ciao, George.

Who taught you to drive this thing?

I see them! That's them.

No, it isn't. Yes!

Believe it or not, for a while, it looked as though clouseau himselfwas the Phantom.

He was arrested for having stolen the Pink Panther and sent to prison.


But he was innocent?

Inept, but innocent.

Inept? Wouldn't you say so, darling?

Not in everything, darling. He was a terrific sleeper.

It's hard to believe. It's true.

He almost never made a serious mistake while he was sleeping.

I mean inept. France's greatest detective?

It does test one's reality.

Do you think he's dead? I hope not.

What do you think, Sir Charles? No.

Men like Clouseau never die. They're indestructible.

That's the way it should be. Why?

We need them.

They help us preserve our sense of humor.

They're living proof that however bad things get, if you persevere, you survive and sometimes even win.

So you think determination was the key to his success?

No question about it.

He was a fool, but he epitomized the 11th commandment.

The 11th commandment?

Thou shalt not give up.

I like that. I thought you might.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Come and see us again. I may do that.

The man of your dreams is also a Machiavellian charmer.

I know that. Thank you.

Good-bye. Bye!

You've just passed the hotel. Yes, ma'am.

But that's where I wanted to go!

You see that car following us? What about it?

The two men in that car suggested I drop you off at another address.

What are you talking about?

It was more like a threat than a suggestion.

They threatened you?

One of them showed me his brand-new gun.

Who are they?

You'll think I'm not on the ball, but I neglected to get their names.

You realize this is kidnapping? Yeah.

I have to be honest with you.

I couldn't come up with an alternative.

You can go to prison for life for kidnapping.

Lady, the gun he showed me was a.38 Magnum.

I don't know anything about guns.

That gun makes enormous holes in things.

I had a choice between kidnapping you and getting shot with that gun.

To be perfectly frank, I would look terrible and feel worse with an enormous hole in me.

Use it where it hurts the most. Watch this.

Beat that. Miss Jouvet, how nice of you to come.

Did I have a choice? Actually, no.

Let's go where we can be in private.

Do I have a choice? I just want to have a little talk.

Watch your step. I always do.

Why the B-movie melodramatics? You could have picked up a phone.

Would you have come? To see the French godfather?

Bruno, I'm a reporter. Aterrific-looking one at that.

Take a swim.

Let's make ourselves comfortable.

Have a seat.

Can I have a drink? Do I have a choice?

Actually, no. How about some champagne?

Terrific. Put a fresh peach in it.

You heard the lady. Champagne, put a peach in it.

A peach? Yes, sir.

I never heard of a peach in champagne before.

Very sexy.

Make that two. Yes, sir.

What happens if he doesn't have any peaches?

Something very melodramatic.

If it gets to that, I'll settle for plain champagne.

Marie, you really are some kind of sensational lady.

Bruno, there is an old saying. What's that?

Never bullshit a bullshitter.

I want you to lay off on this Clouseau thing.

Take off your glasses. What for?

Then I can see what you're thinking.

I doubt that.

Why do you want me to lay off Clouseau?

Because I asked you to. That's not good enough.

It should be.

What if I don't?

When I was your age, I used to sometimes wonder what it would be like if I suddenly found a whole lot of money.

Ever imagine something like that? Yes.

I even imagined that someday someone might try to bribe me with a small fortune.

What did you do? I was tempted.

That's a good start.

But I said no. Not very bright.

I'm a reporter... for better or for worse, an honest one.

Tell me why you want me to lay off Clouseau.

I prefer things the way they are.

Clouseau created a lot of problems.

A smart lady like you could find out he's still alive.

Or dead.

I might even find out that someone killed him.

You've got a beautiful face.

Why stick it in where it doesn't belong?

It's my job.

What good is your job if you gotta do your TVshow from a hospital bed?

I knewyou were going to threaten me, but I didn't know how I was going to react.

I've surprised myself. Is that right?

Instead of scaring me, you have made me angry.

I can't remember when I've been so angry!

I'm a member of the press, and I will not be intimidated by you or anybody else!

Now who's being melodramatic? You call this melodramatic?

Wait till I get home! What are you going to do?

Faint or throw up. Maybe both. I won't know till I get there.

Eight to five, it's throw up. You've got a bet!


Gutsy lady. Yes, indeed, sir.

Great ass. I didn't notice, sir.

Arthur, there's an old saying... never bullshit a bullshitter.

Yes, of course, sir. Yes, a great ass, indeed.

Can I get out now?

I don't think she has such a great ass.

What do you expect me to do?

Arrest him. On what charge?

He had me kidnapped. Can you prove it?

Ask the taxi driver!

You said it was the taxi driver who kidnapped you.

Bruno's men forced him to. They had guns!

Did you see the guns? No, but the taxi driver...

I'm certain that everything you've told me is true, but I'm equally certain that Monsieur Langois will deny it.

Monsieur Langois? What it boils down to...

It boils down to his word against mine!


And in certain circles, Monsieur Langois'word carries a lot of weight.

You are upset, so I will ignore the innuendo.

Upset or not, the innuendo stands.

May I suggest that you go home and forget all about this?

Excuse me.

I shall tellyou exactly where I'm going.

I'm going to my office, where I shall write my next broadcast about a Mafia boss who kidnapped me and the chief inspector of the Sûreté who refused to do anything about it!

In my opinion, that would be most unwise.

What it boils down to, Inspector, is I don't trust your opinion.

Miss Jouvet seemed a bit upset.

Miss Jouvet is turning out to be a real pain in the a...

So far, the incident hasn't even been investigated.

If Bruno Langois is in the mood to deny the allegation, I will be happy to repeat it on the witness stand.

She's talking about you.

It won't be the first time that I've been instrumental...

Lot of guts. change his testimony.

I believe even the French godfather would think twice about challenging me in court.

As for chief Inspector Dreyfus, if hereally is the paragon of police virtue he purports to be, why hasn't he bothered to find the taxi driver and interrogate him?

She's talking about you.

It's intriguing, but the more I find out about Clouseau, the more certain interested parties would prefer that I drop my investigation.

So far I haven't turned up anything incriminating, but obviously I'm rocking the boat and people are getting nervous.

One thing's sure... I intend to keep on rocking until I have an answer for you.

Good night.

Inspector clouseau's residence, cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach to spend chinese New Year with my maternal grandmother.

Leave a message after the beep.

Avon calling!



Inspector clouseau's residence, cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach to spend chinese New Year with my maternal grandmother.

Leave a message after the beep.

I'm sorry. I'm used to it.

This is Professor Auguste Balls of Paris.

You Oriental picaroon, you can't fool me about the plane crash.

He is hiding to avoid payment.

Unless I receive 4,000 francs by Friday, I'm suing!

Put that in your opium pipe and smoke it, you conniving cantonese!

Who the hell is Professor Auguste Balls?

Inspector Clouseau's official disguise maker.

What's a picaroon? A cheat.

That's great. Being called a cheat?

Some of my best friends are picaroons.

I'm sorry I broke in.

That's okay. Keeps me in practice.

Can I get you a cup of tea or something?

No, thanks. I could use an aspirin.

I telephoned before, and I really thought you'd gone to visit your grandmother in Miami.

Miami Beach. She runs a bingo parlor.

She's a real picaroon!

I thought maybe I'd find something.

Like what? Like this.

Oh, that.

Do you know who these people are?

His parents.

Are they still alive? His father is.

He lives in the château clouseau à Lamarque.

He's a winemaker.

Swine rabbit.

My Chardonnay.

My Beaujolais.

He wants to try.

What are you doing?

It's good.

It doesn't taste the same since we lost Fifi.

My missing grape Fifi.

Could you tell me something about your son?

No. After 4:00...

I can't tellyou anything about my son.

Why not after 4:00?

Because after tasting the wine all day, after 4:00, I can't remember my son, let alone tellyou anything about him.

It is a miracle that I remember it is after 4:00.

That felt good.

Are you all right? Of course I am.

I was just checking that Nanna vacuumed the rug.

Speaking of Nanna...

Fetch Nanna.

Nanna has been with me 61 years.

She was Jacques' nurse.

Oh, really? What?

I said, "really."

I know that.

Because you said Nanna was your son's nurse.

Mademoiselle, you don't have to repeat what I said.

I know what I said.

Fortunately, I am not too old to have lost my memory yet.

Knock wood.

Come in!

What am I laughing about?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

Nanna approaches.

A droite, dog.

Santé! Santé.

How she loves that dog.

Regardez, dog.

My son Jacques clouseau was born September 8, 1920.

He had his mother's eyes and his father's kidneys.

From the very beginning, Jacques wanted to be a policeman.

He had many setbacks...

...but he was always resourceful.

He was 18 when he entered the university and fell in love.

The girl of his dreams married another.

Jacques decided that life was not worth living.

To whom it may concern...

I find life no longer worth living.


...there was a power failure.

Swine lights.

When the Germans invaded France, Jacques joined the underground.

Swine plunger.

After the war, he joined the police force, and the rest is history.

Thank you, Monsieur Clouseau. It's been most interesting.

It has? Yes.

It helps to round out my tribute.

What do you mean?

Your tribute doesn't need rounding.

You have a great-looking tribute.

He's alive, you know. How do you know that?

He has his mother's eyes but his father's fortitude.

I thought it was his kidneys. That, too.

A man with such fortitude and kidneys must be alive someplace.

I hope so. I knew that.

And so, after leaving that delightful old man, who is so firmly convinced that his famous son is still alive, I began to wonder... is it possible?

Mafia boss Bruno Langois seems to think it is.

Sir Charles Litton feels that such men are indispensable and therefore indestructible.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus is so obsessed with the possibility that he's on the verge of another nervous breakdown.

Did Inspector Clouseau really perish in the sea as reported, or, for reasons as yet unknown, is he out there someplace plotting his next move, waiting to reveal himself when the time is right?

I am reluctant to believe that misfortune has really struck down such a great man.

Swine seagull.

We must find that woman.

Here's the report.

I will apprehend this culprit within 24 hours.

Now we are getting somewhere.


That's a priceless Steinway!

Not anymore.

Inspector Clouseau's residence. clouseau? One moment, please.

For you.

He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Litton.

The Phantom. One and the same.

My greedy little yellow pimp.

There is something that I am very interested to know.

This room looks very...

Back to town!

Follow that car!

Does your dog bite?

Nice doggy.

I thought you said your dog did not bite.

That is not my dog.

Excuse me. Do you know the way to the Palace Hotel?


Special delivery. A bomb.

Were you expecting one?

A bomb?!

You fool! You raving orient idiot!

There is a time and a place for everything, Cato!

And this is it.

And another thing!

I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels.

Yes, it's all coming back now.

I remember it.

That felt good.