Trainwreck (2015) Script

Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced.

Don't cry.

I know you're upset. I know you're confused.

I don't know what your mother told you, but let me explain it from my side, in terms you can understand.

You got your doll, right? You got your doll there.

Yeah.

You got your doll. You like your doll, right?

Yes.

You love your doll. Yeah.

Yes, you love the doll.

But what if I told you... that was the only doll you're allowed to play with the rest of your life?

How would you feel? Sad.

You'd feel sad. Of course.

'Cause there's a lot of other dolls on your shelves.

And if you play with the other dolls, you can't have that doll anymore.

Even though that doll doesn't really want to play with you at this point.

You're both living a lie.

There's other dolls you like, and they're making new dolls every year.

You want a stewardess doll? Yeah.

What about a slightly overweight cocktail waitress doll? - Yeah.

What about a doll who happens to be best friends with your main doll?

Yeah. It could happen, right?

Yeah.

A doll you only play with one day and never see again?

Yeah!

What about a doll where your friend's playing with a doll, and he needs you to, you know, kind of man up with the other doll.

You don't even wanna play with that doll, but you do it...

'cause your friend's playing with that doll.

You don't wanna sit there and leave the other doll unattended.

Yeah.

So that's why me and Mom are getting divorced.

Monogamy isn't realistic.

Monogamy isn't realistic.

Again! Monogamy isn't realistic.

Again!

I never do this.

This is so weird for me.

I really like these ones.

Oh, no!

Shit!

That's your dick? Uh-huh.

Too big! Your dick doesn't end.

Why doesn't your dick end?

Have you ever fucked someone before?

Where is she buried?

That looks like the whole cast of Game of Thrones.

Come here.

Um, you know what? Huh?

I'm, like, really shy. Uh-huh.

So we should probably do this first so I, like, feel comfortable with you.

Yeah, all right. You know?

It's just... Mm.

A little warm-up. I know. Yeah, a little warm-up.

Hey, you taste like mango.

Just stop talking, okay? Okay.

Just, like... What are you...

Just do the alphabet.

Just hang up at the top. Everything important's up at the top.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay.

Hey, you like that, right?

Amy?

Hey.

I think it's my turn, baby.

Amy. Seriously, my turn.

Muffin, remember you said you were gonna...

Okay.

Hey, guys, I'm Amy.

Don't judge me, fuckers!

I'm just a sexual girl, okay?

I am fine. I am in control.

Okay, bye. This is clearly not my first rodeo.

The key is to never ever, let them sleep over.

Tell you what, I got a couple of ticks, uh, to The Black Keys, Thursday, if you...

Ooh, thanks.

Bye.

All right, good night.

All right, bye. Good night. Oh.

I guess I do love pussy.

Look, I have a great job and my apartment's sick... and my friends and family are awesome, and I'm sort of seeing someone... and this dude's not him.

This guy is who I'm seeing.

Kind of.

He's hot, right?

He is great, but it is like fucking an ice sculpture.

Okay, so I broke the sleepover rule.

Where am I?

Scarface poster? Ugh.

Please don't be a dorm room. Please don't be a dorm room.

There she is. Buenos días, baby.

Oh, my God! You look like an angel.

What time is it? It's like 7:30 in the morning.

I don't know if I should let you sleep or not or make you breakfast.

I chose breakfast.

Where am I?

Oh, you're in Staten Island, sugar.

What?

Fuck!

Hey, so when you think I'm gonna see you again?

Soon. Like really, really soon.

You don't gotta rush off. Oh.

My God. You're stunning.

Thank you. Hey, so Saturday...

Saturday my aunt is getting married, and she's having a little barbecue beforehand, and I would love it if you were my date, baby.

Like, if I walked in with you, oh, my God, Johnny would be like, "Yo! Oli, what's up, kid? Great."

Like, who's that piece, you know? She's body down."

I don't know what that means, but, like, I can't do that... because, like, you and I won't ever see each other again.

I didn't think you were gonna follow up so quick about hanging out, but this is it for us. Well, but...

Our journey is over.

Like it just ends here... Till Saturday.

No... Our journey is over now... because I probably won't see you because I gotta get to work... and you gotta go be fine as hell. Good-bye.

I got Bikram yoga, so...

Hey, you can say whatever you want, baby, but hips don't lie.

Hey, check your Twitter. I might Direct Message you.

Might DM.

Yes, sir! Yes, sir!


Noam, watch out. Good morning.

Oh, Amy! There she is, my princess.

What happened? Did church let out early?

Ha-ha.

Hey! Amy, where you going?

This isn't Planned Parenthood.

Oh, my God! Shut up.

You have to tell me everything about last night.

I went on your Instagram. That guy is, like, so hot.

He looks kind of like a white Drake. No.

He was like a Puerto Rican Gollum. I'm not talking about it.

Do you have to pee? Yeah, totally.

Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming into the office today?

Oh, yeah. I'm all over that.

Which version of Johnny Depp you most wanna have sex with?

Like, which one does it for you the most? 'Cause I can't stop thinking about it.

For me, it's Pirates of the Caribbean.

Like, I love a fully made up, Really?

Long hair, like, almost feminine-looking Johnny Depp.

Not "almost." Like, he looks like a beautiful woman in that movie.

Yeah. Who would be yours?

I'm picking, like, an Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp.

You would get totally cut up.

Like, you... Yeah, but he'd feel so bad about it... that he'd be, like, "I'll never leave you."

And I would get, like, a sick haircut. Yeah, yeah.

But also, guess what. Willy Wonka, like, bring it on.

Oh, my God. Totally. Right?

Would... Yeah. Would fuck the shit out of Willy Wonka Johnny Depp.

Okay, my babes, I want your undivided.

I've been looking at your pitches, and these are my thoughts.

Nikki. Why are you smiling?

I'm not smiling. I'm just very nervous.

Stop smiling. Stop smiling.

That's even more.

Nikki.

The more nervous I get, the more I smile, so...

Stop smiling.

Stop it. Stop it.

Nikki, shut it down. Come on. Bring it down.

Bring it down.

That's it.

I'm sick of your ginger nonsense.

I don't want to see those gnashers. No.

Stop it. What's this?

That's our new intern, Donald.

Thought we were getting a chick, but he's here.

Okay. Welcome, Donald.

Welcome to S'nuff, where we are teaching the strong-willed man... how to dress, think, eat, fuck.

Do you like the magazine, Donald? Oh, yeah.

It's pretty much all I read. Good answer.

Look. This is ours. This is ours. Right. We made this.

What's our demographic? Every-fucking-one.

Yeah.

Thank you. You can go now.

Yeah, thank you. It's a big opportunity, so...

Right. Pitch me. Pitch me hard.

Schultz? So I was thinking of something called... the "S'nuff Guide to Beating Off at Work."

Where to do it, how to do it, how not to get caught.

How to get caught. Makes it more fun, yeah.

I already started the research, you guys.

Bryson? Okay, I got one.

"You're Not Gay. She's Boring."

Good. Yeah?

Fantastic. I can see it. Thank you.

Okay, I have another to pitch.

Maybe a cover, I don't know.

Uh, "You Call Those Tits?"

That's good. Yeah.

And then, maybe, like, a "Where Are They Now?" piece about, uh, the kids Michael Jackson gave settlements to.

Good. Ooh!

I wanna know. That's good, yeah.

I play ice hockey with one of them. I'll get an e-mail.

Yeah, that's good. Right.

So, assignments. Schultz, you're on the Ryan Phillippe piece.

Oh, what? Yes! Crash was epic.

I was thinking I would take a stab at the Phillippe piece.

No, no. Ryan, I tell you, he's in a major funk right now, and he will respond much better to a male who is neither attractive nor masculine.

Blam! That's me right here.

Bryson, I've got a red mark by your name. Why would that be?

Yes, okay. I am pitching Dr. Aaron Conners.

Uh, he works with some of the Knicks.

He's this incredible, young sports physician on the rise, and he just created this revolutionary knee insert that cuts recovery time in half.

He's about to perform it on Amar'e Stoudemire.

It'll be the first time it's ever been done on a pro athlete.

If we get this, we'll have access to the biggest names in sports.

LeBron, Durant, Blake Griffin.

I've heard of this guy. He did D'Brickashaw Ferguson's knee, right?

Yes. Yeah, and Metta World Peace's too.

Yeah, Thabo Sefolosha owes his whole career to this guy.

Are these real names? What's that, Amy?

Your thoughts? I'd... I'm sorry. I just...

I don't know why we treat these athletes like heroes... just 'cause they can skate fast or kick a ball in a net.

I just think that it's weird. No offense.

I just think that sports are stupid... and anyone who likes them is just, like, a lesser person... and has a small intellect.

Killer. I want you to write the piece.

What? What?

Oh, no, no. I literally can't stomach sports.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Your opposition is perfection.

This really feels like a Bryson article.

Yeah, this feels like a "me" article.

I pitched it. You pitched it. I'm giving it to Amy.

What are you saying? Giving me attitude? I can do...

This isn't a fucking medical journal. I can do opposition.

I can do sexy. I want that.

I want that hatred.

I'm giving it to Amy. Don't sulk at me. I'm not sulking. I'm...

This is my decision. I am giving it to Amy. Sure. Fine.

I can do sexy though. Sorry?

Huh? What?

Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just... having fun.

Nikki, I want you to research... whether garlic makes semen taste any different.

Oh. Um, how am I supposed to get the... Thank you.

You inspire me.

It tastes the same.

Amy. I'm not trying to punish you.

Does it feel a little like I am?

Uh, no, no. I appreciate the...

Well, you know, I know you want to branch out and cover more.

And you do know I'm looking for a new executive editor, don't you?

I do know that, and I'm very, very interested.

I'd love to be considered.

Uh, especially... My dad's house, like, isn't selling, and my sister and I just had to put him in this assisted living place.

And you would think it was, like, the Waldorf.

It's so expensive.

Is this your one-woman show right now? 'Cause I ain't got a ticket.

You know, just eviscerate the piece.

I'm giving you an assignment. Right, yeah.

Hmm? And, Amy, if you would... teach this about this.

So, does she have a foreign accent, or is she just awesome?

Don't talk to me for two weeks.

That's my sister, Kim. She's cute, right?

Well, back off! She's totally married as fuck.

Our dad's MS has gotten really bad, so he can't live by himself anymore.

We're cleaning out his house.

There's your box.

So that stuff's Goodwill, that stuff's eBay, and that stuff up front is trash.

This is... This stuff's eBay? Yeah.

We should go... I wanna go through this. No, don't go through it.

That's stuff we can make money off of.

Why are they here?

They're picking me up.

Hey, Mother, look! We got a croquet set.

Great job, sweet pea!

He calls you "Mother"? That's not creepy. Yeah, it was his choice.

Have him call you "Stepmother." It's more accurate.

I've raised that child! Mom, I found a glove.

Hey, buddy. How you doing? Good.

What are you, uh, studying in school?

I'm learning about space and all the celestial objects, and, you know, how there are planets and solar systems... and sometimes there could be, you know, multiple universes, but people don't know how to describe that yet, but it's a new theory, and I'm so excited to see if they figured it out or not.

Great.

See you around.

Okay.

Why is he dressed like Colonel Sanders?

He got to dress himself and that's what he chose.

That's what the inside of his heart looks like. Be nice.

Can you just be real for a second?

I-If you just, like, met that dude at, like, a CVS, you'd have a real problem with him.

Can you just pretend to like him? I am pretending.

Ooh, I like Tom's sweater.

He's doing, like, the To Catch a Predator look.

Amy! What?

Amy, what's up? Hey!

Looking sharp. Looking sharp, man. Thanks.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

I was reading your article about... how to talk your girlfriend into a three-way.

You read that one? Yeah.

Wow! Would you do that?

Nope. No.

Wow, that got off the table quick. Yeah.

Let him do what he wants. You guys should make a sex tape. - I would.

Uh... I did high school theater. I think I'd be pretty good.

This nursing home is nice.

Yeah. It's too nice and it's too expensive, and we should've put him in a shithole. No. We did.

No, I mean, it's a shithole.

It's just like the nicest shithole. Yeah.

Places where the nurses don't fuck the patients are expensive.

That's what you're paying for. It's not the food, sister.

Ew! "Condoms ribbed for his pleasure"?

Ew. I better hold on to these.

Is this coke? No.

Dad didn't love coke. He was just a full-blown alcoholic.

No. It must just be from like a Halloween costume.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Moving on.

Okay, let's just... Amy, don't touch it.

These are his memories.

No, don't do that!

What? He needs his wallet. Toss it away.

We've got so much stuff to go through. Please sto...

Aw!

Oh! He loves that poster. Oh, I know.

Kimberly! Stop it!

Stop it! Girl, come on!

Not cool, girl. That felt good.

It's not right. Alaska.

No! Don't throw away his snow globes.

These are his memories. He got one of these everywhere he went.

Does he have one for every one of our teachers?

I don't see them.

He didn't fuck all of our teachers. He fucked all of my teachers.

No, he never fucked Mr. Hecht.

I did.

I'm just kidding.

You know, he wouldn't, but... Where's that?

Mmm. Hamburg.

Auschwitz. What?

I guess they have a gift shop. Hmm.

Oh, man.

Look at this.

Mom was so fuckable then.

She had the best tits.

When she would lay down, they would just stay put.

Mine are just like, "See ya!"

My titties are like, "Peace!"

Dad was such a dick.

Yeah, I don't really see it that way.

Can we mix it up a little bit? Will you talk dirty to me?

Come on. Uh, Amy, no.

Come on! Just... It's not something I do well.

I'm not really verbal, okay? I'm more physical in how I communicate.

You're gonna be great. I'm gonna sound stupid.

I don't wanna sound stupid.

You're not gonna sound stupid. Clear your mind and say whatever pops in it, okay?

Just try it. Just say anything.

All right.

I'm gonna give you my full pecker.

Yeah. Okay.

'Cause of the pecs, but pecker's kind of like my dick.

Yeah, y-yeah, I got it. I understood what you meant by "pecker."

I'm gonna fill you with protein.

Yeah. I'm gonna give you the protein you need to survive when you're making muscles.

I'm gonna put my green drink in you.

Yeah, beta-carotene and vegetable mix.

Can it not be about protein or-or energy or nutrition?

Can you just talk about like sex stuff?

All right. Yes, okay. Just sexy stuff.

Okay, here. All right.

Talk to me.

There's no "I" in "team."

But there's an "I" in "win."

Can't spell "victory" without T-R-Y.

Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.

Okay. These are just phrases, for, like, sports phrases.

Are these Nike slogans? Please, just...

Do you want the "Just do it"? Do you want that one? No!

Just have... Just have sex with me and say some dirty shit.

What... Wha... What is that? Talking to you dirty in Chinese. That's what I'm doing.

What? I've been studying Mandarin in my off time.

"Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

Please don't speak Chinese or whatever during sex. Okay, I got it.

Okay, no problem. Just, yeah. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so picky.

No, I... You look discouraged and you're doing great.

I told you I wasn't gonna be any good at this.

Can we try something else? Yeah.

Talk about... the first time you saw me.

Okay?

That's easy. Yeah, right.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Yeah?

I was just getting done in the gym. Yeah?

You were leaving that pizza place, remember? Yeah.

Yeah, and you were holding on to that box.

Mm-hmm. And you walked out.

Yeah? Oh! You were in those jeans.

Oh, God! They looked so good from behind. Uh-huh?

Oh. From behind... Yeah?

Yeah? You looked like a dude!

What? Oh!

Wha...

What?

Mm.

Don't move! Don't move! Don't move at all!

Don't move at all! Anything! Ah! You're moving your arm!

Fudge ripple ice cream! Ah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh. That was great.

We gotta make that part of our program. For sure.

Really onto something.

Amy. Don't forget to hydrate, babe.

We went verbal!

The boys make the noise!

What's up, brother? Yes, I'm loving it. Rastaman!

Digging it with the rolling bag. Mixed messages.

Come back over here. I love you on Glee.

How's it going? Amy, what's happening?

You got a new sign? Yeah, you know, I'm working a couple ideas out.

Yeah, I'm gonna visit my dad. Oh. How is he?

Eh, we put him in an assisted living facility.

I don't know how nice it is actually.

Hmm. I know exactly how you feel.

The car I take a shit in, they towed it.

Yeah. Sucks.

Sorry, man. All right, I'll see you later.

I'll see you later. I'll be here.

Hey, I'm digging that back camel toe.

What a ridiculous statement.

I mean, you're talking about the most talented player on all levels.

None of these bums are the equal of Babe Ruth.

Norman, Babe Ruth was awful. Stop it.

How can you negate facts?

Just be nice to him. I am nice to him. He's not nice to me.

Babe Ruth was a superhero. He was Superman!

Easy to be a Superman when you never played against a black guy your whole life.

What does white-black got to do with it?

Every 12-year-old kid in the Dominican Republic right now can probably beat Babe Ruth.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Before 1947, it's one big asterisk. Blah!

Can you just keep a low profile for like two weeks, here?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't wanna offend any of these people... who, uh, fucking each other with Viagra day and night, God forbid.

Can you just be nice and make friends? After 7:00, after dinner, it turns into Caligula around here.

Trust me. Please, just...

It's a madhouse, like the Playboy Mansion, for Christ's sakes.

This place? Yes.

You got my Mets stuff?

Yeah.

Amy. I'll bring it by.

Amy.

Look at me.

Amy.

Kim made me throw a lot of it away.

Kim made you? Your little sister? Yes. She's mean as a dog.

Jesus. I tried. I'm so sorry.

What do I care? It's all memorabilia anyway.

I'm memorabilia at this point.

Don't say that.

Dr. Conners?

Hi. Hi. Hey. Hi.

Amy Townsend. Hi. Aaron Conners.

Great to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for letting me come in. No worries.

Um, so... How does this work?

Oh, uh, today's really just to go over schedules.

Oh, okay.

If that's cool. Yeah, that's great.

Uh, I have never, uh, been interviewed for a magazine.

Heya. Hey, LeBron.

I don't mean to interrupt. Did I leave my sunglasses here?

I-I don't know. Did you?

You know, I was sitting... Oh, here they are. Phew!

Did you just drive 40 minutes back here to look for your sunglasses?

Yeah, of course. You think I'm gonna give Sunglass Hut another $30 for these?

You crazy? Hey, how you doing?

Hi! Wait, your watch costs more than my apartment.

Oh, this thing? Oh. Oh, that was a gift. We watching Downtown Abbey later?

Uh, if I get outta here on time. Yeah, we could watch it.

If not, let's do it tomorrow. What?

Listen, I'm watching it tonight, 'cause I'm not gonna go to practice in the morning, and all the guys are talking about it and I'm left out.

Well, hey, do what you gotta do. All right.

Can you, uh, validate my parking, please?

I don't validate. You should talk to Cheryl.

Okay. All right, take care. Nice meeting you.

Bye, LeBron. Thanks, buddy. Okay.

Cheryl, can you validate my parking, please?

Tall. Yeah, I know, right?

Do you know who that was?

The basketball player.

He's LeBron James. He's kind of like the basketball player.

Oh, yeah. I think I saw one of his soda commercials. Yeah.

You follow sports?

Oh, my God. Sports?

I love them. Who are your favorite teams?

The, uh...

I like smaller teams, like the...

Not the big leagues. I like the, like, uh, Long Island Mediums.

The-The Acorn Pinecones.

I haven't heard of them. The Fire Island Penguins.

I like the Cincinnati Thunder-Wizards. You can stop.

The Orlando...

Blooms. You can stop.

You... You don't follow sports.

I... I'm sorry. I don't.

I don't know anything about sports. You know what?

That's okay though. Don't be embarrassed. I'm sorry.

No, don't be embarrassed, because I didn't really follow sports until I got this job.

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You have no idea what a huge relief that is.

I-I... I was assigned this. This was not even my pitch.

Right. So you're doing the article on me? Mm-hmm.

Awesome.

I think they're kind of weird and just-just... strange.

Grown men wearing jerseys with another man's name on it.

Like, are you in jail? Are you his bitch?

Right. Kind of like that one?

That's different, 'cause it's in a frame.

I think sports brings people together, you know.

It kind of forms a community.

That's what I'm saying. Right. Yeah. Obviously.

I'll tell you another thing that's great about this job... is that I get to work with athletes, which means that I, uh...

I work with a lot of, um, Black people? Injuries...

What did you just say? Did you say, "black people"?

No.

Do you have a problem with black people?

No. I love black people. I prefer black people.

Do you have black friends? Endless black friends.

Can you show me pictures of your black friends on your phone?

You... You want to see pictures on my phone of my black friends?

Amy, you gotta have a lot of them.

I have so many. I'm just deciding which one, 'cause there's, like, so many.

Oh! Here we go. Oh, great. Let's see.

So, you're gonna be eating your words. Oh, good.

You ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay, get ready.

Black friend!

That is you and a white friend.

And that is a black waiter pouring your water.

Let me find another one. Oh. My phone died.

Um, I'm gonna let you get back to doctoring.

Oh, thanks.

I'll talk to your... Cheryl.

Cheryl. Yeah.

About, um, when we can meet again. Great.

No, we're not going into the park.

We've been in the park already.

Ooh.

Sorry I'm late.

No, it's okay. It's a wonderful film.

Daniel Radcliffe is in it. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Dog... What is the movie?

Radcliffe is a dog walker, but he's got a chip on his shoulder, a real edge.

Sundance loved it!

I need help with my dog.

I can see that.

I would love to be the one to help you with your dog.

What's your technique?

Well, I put them on a leash and walk them.

You talk a big game.

That's 'cause I walk a big dog.

She's looks little, Amy. But she's not.

What's up? Is that wine in a box?

Mm-hmm.

I have red too. You have red too?

What the fuck? Is this guy ever gonna shut up?

Mm, please watch the movie.

Whoa. Stop. No, that's not right. Don't do this to me.

Why is he yelling?

Listen, you always do this to me.

You show up to these places, you put me in a situation.

I'm a big guy. Everybody wants to fight the big guy. Yeah, you are.

Hey, uh, Mark Wahlberg, shut your bitch up.

Mark... Mark Wahlberg? Are you gonna...

Me? Who else looks like Mark Wahlberg? Your girl?

Mark Wahlberg's like a hundred and fifty pounds.

I'm 250, lean.

I look like Mark Wahlberg ate Mark Wahlberg!

Your muscles aren't the fucking problem. Do you even lift?

It's your yapping girlfriend.

Just say, "Fuck you."

Yeah. Yes.

I will fuck you! All right? I will enter you!

You're gonna... You're gonna "enter" me?

Did you hear what he said? What are you talking about right now?

I'm just trying to intimidate him.

You're just talking about raping him.

You're not about that life, champ. I can see it.

I am about that life! No, you're not.

You just like to flex your muscles. I will get crazy up in here.

You like movies? We'll make a movie. Oh, God.

We'll make "Mama Say Knock You Out," starring my fist and your dick hole.

Oh, shit! What the fuck is wrong with this dude?

He wants you.

Babe, your threats, I'm telling you, they're super gay.

Too sexual? Yeah.

This has to be the corniest, muscled white dude...

I've ever seen in my fucking life.

Okay, Koko B. Ware. You know what?

You're being an asshole, all right?

You know what I do with assholes? I lick 'em. Okay.

Uh, what the fuck? He wants to fuck you.

Okay?

My pooch has been hurt more than enough.

I will make sure no one ever hurts your pooch again.

I like when you're taking control of your dogs.

I thought you would.

Oh, my God.

What'd I miss? Amy, what did I miss?

I want to paddle real hard.

They pre-butter it.

Who's Brody?

What?

Who's... Who's Oli? Who's Brody?

Why you my have cell phone?

Why are you smiling?

I got a little high outside. Like, barely at all high.

Okay. While you were outside getting high, I was putting your phone on silent for the movie.

When I did that, I noticed you have all these guys in your phone.

There's Brody. This guy is listed as "Hot as Balls."

Who the fuck is "Hot as Balls"?

Stop smiling! I'm not smiling. Those are guys from work.

Oh.

Can we just watch this movie?

You know what? No, I can't.

Because as I was turning off your phone, I got a picture of somebody's dick.

It was mine.

You know, fuck you, Tone Loc.

You want to take it to the parking lot? Fine!

You can't find me? I'll be the closest one on Grindr.

That's gay.

Steven, please. I am not in shape for this.

Stop walking like the Hulk! I can see that you're mad.

You're being crazy. Am I?

'Cause I think you owe me an explanation for this.

Do I have to worry about you with other guys?

I'm so high right now. Can we just please talk about this tomorrow?

I'm too fucked up. Amy, you're always fucked up.

Answer the question.

Are you hooking up with other guys?

We never said we were exclusive.

Fuck, Amy! "Exclusive"? It's not high school.

You know, every single guy I work out with, every single guy... says that all you're gonna do is mess with my emotions and hurt me.

You guys talk about that at the gym?

Fuck, Amy. Do I have to worry about you with other guys?

Yes, I hook up with other guys.

I don't go to the movies with them.

That's like our special thing.

This is so fucking stupid. You know what the sad part is?

I was gonna ask you to marry me.

Really?

I didn't even think you liked me very much.

Why are you making me feel bad about this?

You can sleep with other girls. It's like every guy's dream.

It's not this guy's dream.

Yeah, this guy's got a dream, and it's us, making it.

Getting married, moving out to the countryside, having a family.

Three boys and two more boys.

Enough for a basketball team. Why?

And I'll develop a CrossFit program and patent it.

And I'll rule the CrossFit world... with you by my side.

You can be my CrossFit queen.

That's my dream.

Hey.

Hey.

Can I leave?

Or, like, can you leave?

I just like... I'm very high, and I just kind of need this interaction to be over.

You serious?

Fuck you, Amy. You are not nice.

I'm totally nice.

Maybe you should... consider changing your ways.

My "ways"? Mm-hmm.

You would love having a family.

You sound like Steven. I wish I could break up with you.

Having a family is fun.

That's fun? Yeah.

They're having a boys' lunch. Here?

Hi! Hi, ladies.

Um, I really like your hair.

Is that choice, or you, like did it?

No, it's just my deal. I'm bald. So... Oh.

Cool. It's like... You look like Bruce Willis.

Like early Willis. Totally.

Thanks.

Um, You know what? We will have two mimosas.

Okay? Mm-mmm.

No, you're right. Hold the orange juice. No orange juice.

It's sugar. So, champagne?

Oh. Okay.

No, no. No champagne for me.

Uh, yeah, we'll have two champagnes.

Two champagnes. Thanks. Okay. We'll see you in a bit.

Oh, my God. He's, like, dying to fuck me. Mm-hmm.

Wait, why aren't you drinking? Have a drink with me.

Wait.

No!

You're pregnant? I'm pregnant!

God!

Tom's the father.

Ew!

God. They look like they're on a speed date.

Say, "Congratulations."

We're telling Dad.

I'll tell him at the new nursing home. The one that's cheaper.

It's not okay. You're telling him.

Kim, are you serious?

Oh, my God. Congratulations.

You're pregnant.

Oh, my God. Come here. Come here.

Oh!

My God. Oh, my God!

I'm tingling right now. I feel high.

I feel high!

That's incredible. Thank you.

I'm finally gonna be a grandfather.

You're already a grandfather.

But not yet. No. You were already a grandfather.

Allister, Dad. What's that?

Allister. What about him?

That's your grandson.

Allister?

No, I mean, Allister's... your stepchild... and my step-grandkid, I guess.

But I'm talking about your kid. Our bloodlines.

That's... Yeah.

I was the first person on my block to own a television set.

That's... That's really not relevant right now, Norman.

That's interest... It's not relevant.

Come on, that's more like Tom's kid.

It's Tom's kid, who you help with.

Dad, you love Allister.

I like Allister. I care for him. I fear for him.

I know what happens to a kid like that in the school yard.

We had a kid like that. Stewie.

We used to beat him mercilessly.

Oh! Some of the beatings I almost feel bad about.

That's gonna happen to this kid. He's perfectly...

I'm trying to protect him, teach him to be a man.

I don't know what you're talking about. You were the worst father ever.

Come on. I wasn't a bad father.

Mom did everything when we were growing up.

You wouldn't understand 'cause you weren't there.

So now your mother's a saint? Of course she's a saint.

Of course. Because once you... you die, everybody's a saint.

Dad, just shut up.

We were just talking about this yesterday, right?

About Allister. Amy?

No! He's... He's lying.

Amy? Amy, come on.

You said he's the kind of kid who drops his pants to the floor when he pees in the urinal.

No, I didn't say that. You said that! That's funny to guys.

I said he pees sitting down.

Like, it was a joke... That was funny.

I cannot believe that you guys are teaming up against me again.

Oh, my... No. I am on your side.

I'm on your team. You're not on my team.

Sorry if I'm excited more about my grandkid than some step-grandkid.

They're both your grandkid. Goddamn it!

What the... Kimberly, come...

Is that your wife?

What is this speech you have to make for Doctors With Borders?

"Without." Without Borders. It's "Doctors Without Borders." Oh, right.

Yeah, no, it's Doctors Without Borders. It's really a good organization.

Uh, basically, we go to places with the most conflict, places with the biggest disasters and we go in and help people.

So, you help people by choice, and that's, like, what you like? Yeah.

It's great work.

It's very rewarding, helping these people.

Wow!

What's your story? Are you like a Division I athlete or something?

No! Me? No, no.

I was on the Xbox that I was playing and then I got really high and tripped on my bong.

Are you high? Yeah.

Wow. So high.

I think I got your new article right here. Here we go.

All right.

So, uh, this is our Sports Medicine and Performance Center. Wow.

This is where most of our athletes come and, uh, do the rehabilitation.

What does this do?

Come on.

So the HBM, uh, shows how your muscles are working and moving, so your rehab's most effective.

Um, it could help you with your gait, your posture.

My gait? Mm-hmm.

Okay. So, you, let's say, just walk normal for a second.

That looks pretty good. Okay, okay.

Just... Just walk naturally for one second, please. Okay.

That's it exa... Like this?

I walk like Beyoncé. People always think I'm her.

We share on Instagram.

This is how you walk down the street? Mm-hmm.

No, this is how I walk.

I think the screen's doing different stuff than what I'm doing.

What we can do with this, is we could show how you can, um, fix your posture and your gait.

I really wouldn't do a Hitler march.

Just walk the way you walk, uh, down the street.

Is that... Is that... Like this?

All right. Sorry. I'm listening. Okay? We good?

Yeah, I'm listening. You good? All right. Thank you.

Wait, who is this? Ready? Watch the screen. Who is this? - Okay.

Who? Kevin Spacey at the end of Usual Suspects.

I didn't see that movie. Oh. He's Keyser Söze.

That's not important. It's not a spoiler. Oh.

So why don't you pick up the speed a little bit? That's good.

That's good. Get a nice jog going there. Okay.

That's good.

You can speed up a bit faster, if you want.

Ah. There you go. See how that's working out? That's great.

See how your legs are lighting up green? That's great.

You can go a little faster actually.

Yeah, so don't lean forward like that when you run.

You wanna lean back a little bit. See how that's lighting up green?

There you go. See, that's real nice.

See how you're... you're landing on your heel.

You're stepping too far back. So you wanna land on the ball of your foot.

There you go. See, that's real nice.

Okay. How do you stop? Can you, uh, make sure this thing stops?

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

You all right? Uh-huh.

You're hyperventilating. Here. Yeah. Can you get this off?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're fine. Okay. Okay.

Look at me. Deep breath in.

Blow it out like you're blowing out a birthday candle.

That's good, that's good. Slow it down. Slow it down.

You're just hyperventilating. You're all right.

You're okay. Just take your time.

You all right?

I'm hungry. Oh, okay.

I haven't eaten much today. Oh, okay.

I had like... Basically, like, Lay's potato chips.

Oh.

Like... Stopped in Starbucks, had, like one red velvet... like, yogurt.

And, like, two scones and they were, like super small.

And then just some Chipotle, but that stuff, you know, like, runs through you.

So you had breakfast, lunch and a snack?

Yeah, that's it. Okay.

Well, let's go get some food. Yeah.

Yeah? Let's do that. Yeah.

Um, my dad, um, is a rheumatologist, and my mom is a college professor.

They're great. They put a lot of pressure on me.

I was their only child, so...

Or maybe they didn't put a lot of pressure on me.

I just put the pressure on myself 'cause they did so much great stuff, but...

No, they put pressure on me. Let's not put...

Can we not put this in the article? Is that all right?

This doesn't need to be in the article. I don't know why I'm saying any of it.

They're great. They're great. They're great.

Aaron's parents are great. They sound great.

"Aaron's parents are great."

I won't put any of that in the article, if you don't want.

Is that all right? Yeah.

Just off the record. Okay.

Um, just so you know, if you want me to, uh, keep something out of the article, if you want it to be off the record, you have to tell me before.

Oh, really? Yeah. Uh, this can be retroactive.

I won't put your parents in the article, but... Okay.

Thanks. This article is gonna be killer.

Yeah, it's gonna be a bummer.

Um... Hey, you know, I read some of your stuff.

Oh, my God. No, no, no.

They were really good. No.

When I started reading, it was one thing, and I was like, "I don't know."

Then I started reading it and I thought it was... I was...

"Oh, this is actually really funny and smart." It's satirical.

Thank you. It was... It was good.

I have other stuff that I've written for other places.

That's the kind of stuff they want at this magazine.

Can I read some of it?

Uh, yeah, you can read... you can read some of my stuff.

Do you wanna go get a drink? Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

Can I get the check, please? They... He understood.

Don't do it... Don't do the symbol and yell.

Just... You do one or the other.

What do you mean?

You can mouth the word "check" really loud and not make noise.

And that's, like, kind of the best.

Well, what do I do? Watch.

Check.

Okay, let me try. Okay.

Check! No! No.

No.

Am I not doing that right? No!

Check! Oh, my God!

Could we get the bill, please? We'd like to pay for the food!

Okay, first kiss. This girl named Jennifer Jennifer.

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer?

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer, and she was very cute.

It was... It was a Halloween party, seventh grade.

She was shorter than me. She had to stand up on a stone to kiss me.

It was... It was like a Norman Rockwell painting.

It was very cute. Oh! And you see these teeth? Yeah.

Oh. Look at these teeth.

What's wrong? They're fake. They're porcelain.

Ron Gardner, seventh grade.

I got brand-new Air Jordans. He wanted them. Yeah?

He punched me in the face and knocked out my teeth and stole my shoes.

No! You're getting a lot of info for me.

Ron Gardner! This is all of the record, by the way.

All off the record. Oh, yeah, off the record. Totally.

Hey, today was really fun. Yeah, it was great.

I was a little nervous about it. Yeah.

But no, this was a lot of fun. No, this was great.

Um, if you wanna, like, maybe come by tomorrow or... You coming?

Oh, you going downtown? Mm-hmm.

Sweet. Uh, and...

Hi. Sorry.

Uh, two stops. Uh, just one stop.

You wanna give him your address?

Sp... Spring and Washington.

Great. So, this is where I live.

Uh, it's pretty sweet.

Um, do you want a drink or anything? No, thanks.

No? All right. Um, this is the kitchen.

Um, it's a pretty sweet place. I've been here for about a year.

Uh, you know what? Let's get some tunes on in this place.

Holy shit. Hi. Hi.

So we're gonna do this now? We are gonna do this now.

Okay, that's...

Is that okay? That's cool, yeah.

Whoa! Ooh. All right.

Do you own this place? Are you renting it?

I, uh... I own it. Oh, cool. That's really nice.

Yeah, yeah.

You wanna g-go...

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, we're doing this, like, right now? We are doing this right now.

Wow, we are off to the races. It's happening.

Oh, okay. All right. That's nice.

Oh! Oh, man. Oh, God!

Oh, my God! Wow, good for you. Yeah, oh, thank you.

This is... I didn't see this for you.

Yeah? Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Mm! Mm.

Oh.

Okay. I'm, uh... I'm gonna head out.

Oh, no. No.

Hey. Thank you. Oh.

That's... Yeah, why don't you stay over?

Uh, yes, no. I'm not gonna stay here.

I just... I... You have an early day, I bet.

Oh, no, it's fine. Mmm.

You comfortable? No. No, I'm not.

Okay. This is... I don't really like to spoon.

Oh. Okay. Yeah, just sorry.

C-Can we, uh... If I stay here, can we just sleep in a realistic position?

Because it just... Sure, yeah.

I'm a light sleeper, and I, like... I-I...

If I feel you move or, like, sweat or breathe, I'll, like, wake up, and I'll just, like, lay here resenting you all night. Okay.

Can we... Actually, could we put this pillow in between us?

That'll be good, if we put this... Put the pillow between us?

Yeah, that's not, like, your main pillow that you use, is it?

No. Okay, cool.

Yeah, let's just... Let's kind of get that in there.

Thank you. Okay.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm nitpicking, but, like, you're breathing on me pretty hard right now.

Yeah, it's like a strong wind. Oh, okay. What do you need me to do?

Breathe up towards the sky and not, like, at me. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry, it's just... It's a lot. Yeah, you got it. You got it.

Like this? Are you just... Are you feeling better?

Is this more comfortable? Let me see. Do it.

I'll tell you if I can feel it.

I'm still getting, like, a little bit of a wind. Oh, Jesus.

Do you want me to go home? I can still sleep at home. No, no.

This is... This is so worth it.

Nikki, just hurry up and get here.

When you're writing an article, do you always use a tape recorder?

No.

Um, wh-when you're writing an article, what are the 10 biggest mistakes you could make?

Um, plagiarizing, getting drunk, fucking someone.

Hey. Have you ever seen any kind of article... about a fetish where guys like to masturbate to hockey fights?

That's not a thing. Not a thing.

Then why'd it work for me?

We're in the middle of something, so... Yeah. Seriously, right?

Okay. So, that actually brings me to an interesting line of questioning.

You know what? Uh, they're gonna want you... to just do a bunch of Web stuff because you're younger.

Everyone has, like, a boner for young people and the Internet, okay?

They think you have, like, the key to it. Amy!

That's why we'll do anything we can to help you here.

Right, but when you're writing...

I'm sorry. Just talk to me about it later.

Just write them all down. I'll be helpful later.

Okay.

I like you, Amy. I do, you know.

You're clever, but you're not too brainy.

You're pretty-ish and you're not gorgeous. You're approachable.

Thank you. Yeah.

I want this promotion for you, Amy, you know? Yeah.

I want you to help me to help you.

I need to go up there, to the men upstairs.

I need you to provide me with the ammo... Yeah.

To get them to know that you can handle their workload.

Can you handle their load, Amy?

I can handle all their loads. That's it.

Nikki. Hey.

Where have you been? Oh. Sorry. I was getting a smoothie.

Can you just... Please, sit?

I slept at the doctor's place last night.

Oh my God, 'cause you were, like, blackout drunk? No.

That's the thing. I-I was dead sober.

I had, like, two drinks. Three, max.

Four, now that I'm tallying. But it was like... I was sober.

Okay, so you... so you barely drank? Barely.

'Cause you're on antibiotics or something? No.

I spent the night on purpose.

I don't understand. I don't understand.

When you think about the sex, are you just kinda like...

No. I'm like...

So, you're like...

No, that's not what I'm doing.

You're...

Oh, my God! He's calling.

Why would he call? You guys just had sex.

It's probably a mistake. It's a mistake. Yeah.

He's... He's butt-dialing you. Hello.

Oh. Hey, there. It's... It's Aaron.

Oh. This is Amy.

I think you butt-dialed me.

No. No, I... I dialed you with my fingers.

What's she saying? What did she say? Shh!

He called me on purpose. Hang up.

He's obviously, like, sick or something, so he's... No.

Um, yeah, what's up?

I was calling to say I had a really good time last night.

I was wondering if you wanted to, um, hang out again.

Will you say that again, please?

I was wondering if I could see you again.

You know what? I'm gonna call the police because he's a...

Hold on, hold on.

Uh, yeah, I'll just talk to you about it tomorrow at the interview.

Okay? Oh, yes!

Yes. She said yes! She said yes! Okay, bye.

All right. All right, I'll talk to you then.

Whoa, man! Huh?

That... That's pretty cool, man.

I didn't get to hear the whole conversation though.

We're gonna talk... We're gonna talk about it when we see each other tomorrow.

Oh, that's great, man. Yeah, she's got a sexy voice.

That's great.

Did you guys make love?

Yeah. Oh, ho, ho!

Whoo! Shh!

My boy got intimate. Yes.

Sexual intercourse! Whoo!

Do you want to just announce it to everybody and...

My boy got a girlfriend. Like, man, it's been forever. Yeah.

I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. Yeah, yeah.

It's been like six years since Sheila and... Yeah.

That only lasted like five weeks. Yep.

There was Debbie.

Debbie didn't even tell you where she lived.

Yeah, she thought I was a psycho. She kept calling me "Dexter."

What I'm saying is, you got to go for it.

Focus if you want to take it to the next level. Right.

You have to. You gotta give it everything you own if you want this one, man.

It's like, when I lost the championship in 2011, I worked on my game twice as hard, Yeah.

Worked on my post-up game, and we wound up winning the championship, twice. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't feel like that applies to me.

But I-I appreciate the... the thought.

Aaron, you have to take a risk. Yeah, no, you're right.

You have to. It's like, when I decided to go back to Cleveland, I wasn't totally sure they was gonna welcome me back, man.

But they did. They welcomed me back with open arms and an open heart.

Yeah, they did. Again, I feel that applies more to you.

Um, like, I don't even live in Cleveland.

But, again, I appreciate the thought. Cleveland, Ohio?

Talking about the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Maybe go to Canton to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

You know Superman was created in Cleveland?

Yeah, no, I know Superman was created in Cleveland.

You've told me that a number of times.

You ever seen a Cuyahoga sunset? No.

Do you know Cleveland's great for the whole family? Yes. Yes.

Yes, I do. You tell me that all the time.

You randomly just text me that. What's wrong with that?

Which is weird. It's weird. I got free texting.

Why are trying to always sell me on Cleveland?

When are you gonna come to Cleveland?

I'll-I'll... I'll come when I have the, uh... the time.

I don't have the time right now. I'll come when I have the time.

I've just been really busy. You visit me in Miami all the time.

Yeah, but that's Miami. I mean...

What's the difference between Miami and Cleveland?

It's... It's the same.

You're right. It's the same. Exactly.

Okay, so you... You had the salmon. That's about $14.

What are you doing, man? You had two Cokes.

Dude, are you trying to split the bill? Look.

Look, I... Look, I told you those refills weren't free. Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. We're not splitting the bill.

Pick up the check.

Why do I have to pick up the check? 'Cause you're LeBron James.

Listen, don't look at me no differently now just because I got a little money.

Look, I don't know how long this could last.

Anything can happen. Right.

I'm not about to end up like MC Hammer. Yeah.

Listen, you owe $32.43.

You know what? I'm...

I'll pay it, but you gotta pick up a check every once in a while.

No, no, no. Don't pay the whole thing.

Just pay your part. It's better for our friendship.

Equals forever. All right. All right, fine.

All right. I'll put my credit card in.

Put a... Put a credit card in. We'll split it.

Okay. That's what... That's what I'm talking...

Fuck you.

I think... Fuck you.

I think I left my wallet. Fuck you.

It's in the car. Fuck you.


So that was disgusting. Yeah.

Why Billy Joel?

Why "Uptown Girl"? I love that song.

That's, like, probably the worst Billy Joel song.

I'm pretty sure Billy Joel hates that song.

Oh, he shouldn't. It's great.

Okay.

So, uh, off the record.

Do you wanna maybe go grab some dinner?

Um, actually, Aaron, I think you're so great, and, uh... but I'm a writer.

I'm your writer. You're my subject.

And, uh, from now on, we need to just keep it professional.

Okay. You know?

Yeah. Okay.

I think we really like each other and we should start dating.

N... No, I'm-I'm saying...

I'm confused. I-I... Am I not communicating this right?

Like, I-I...

No, I hear you. I'm just saying I disagree.

Do you like me? Yeah.

Yeah, see, I really like you.

So we should be a couple.

No! No!

I-I have pla... plans.

What are your plans? Dentist.

Is that true? No.

Then let's go out.

I'm sorry. My dad's place is calling.

Hello?

Well, why didn't someone help him?

What is it?

Um, my dad fell. He lives in assisted living.

I need to change. Okay, I'm on my way.

What hospital is he at? Uh, I don't know.

Sit still, Gordon.

Dad! Hey, baby.

What happened? Nothing.

He's supposed to ring his call button... if he wants to get out of his chair.

He has fallen. Where's the doctor?

They are ignoring my pages. If I wanted, I could treat him.

I was a doctor in my country.

Yeah, I'll let you know if the wound gets invaded by evil spirits.

Are you in pain, Dad? No.

Can I take a look at it, please?

Oh, God, Dad!

No, it looks a lot worse than it actually is.

Who's this Moondoggie? Hi. I'm Dr. Conners.

Your daughter and I just officially started dating.

No. Not officially. Not at all.

Welcome to a very large club.

You are gonna be getting stitches today.

Not a chance, buster. Dad, let him do it.

No, what's the point? Just leave it.

Why do I have to look like Kate Middleton for? Yeah.

I don't give consent. Here we go.

No consent! Shut up, Dad.

See, I need you to stop moving.

What is he humming? Uh, Billy Joel.

"Uptown Girl." That's the only thing that saves you.

I like Billy Joel. I saw him in Nassau Coliseum, Nylon... Curtain Tour.

Oh, Nylon Curtain Tour? That's awesome.

You know, I saw him with Elton John in Shea Stadium.

It was great. Of course you did.

Nothing better than down-to-earth, blue collar Billy Joel with Elton John, the queen of England.

Hey, uh, Amy tells me that you're a, uh, Mets fan. Is that right?

I'm a supporter of the New York Metropolitans.

That is correct.

What about it? Would you like to hear some trivia?

Oh, distracting me like I'm a young girl getting her ears pierced? Go ahead.

Can you name nine major league teams that don't end with the letter "S."

Child's play.

The Jazz, Utah Jazz.

You got the Miami Heat. You got the White Sox.

What's up? I shouldn't be telling you this, but I think he's hoarding his pain medication.

No, I got it. Ease up, Martha Stewart.

Hey! Water aerobics. You coming?

Yeah, I'll be right there. I'll be right there.

Meryl's wearing a two-piece.

The guy died three years ago and nobody alerted him.

Thank you so much. Hey, no problem.

No, I... My dad's really not a bad guy, Oh, he's fine.

But you caught him on an off day. No, no. He was fine.

Uh, you know what? What I'll do is, I'll check up on him next week.

And I told him about this immune suppressant that...

Will you please come home with me?

Uh...

Forget it. N-No, no, no.

No. No! No, no, no. You know what?

Hey, you know what? Let's, um... Let's get food.

Do you wanna get some food? Do you wanna get some raviolis?

Raviolis? I'm serious. Yeah, yeah.

Do you wanna get some raviolis? I know a place that's around here.

They-They have great raviolis.

I'd love to get raviolis.

Just go to the ravioli place. Just get 'em.

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Stop doing that.

Why are you breathing weird? I'm not breathing weird.

What's going on?

I like him so much.

Yeah?

Why do I feel, like, so... Like, so scared?

Well, because you've always dated dummies you weren't at risk of actually liking.

C... Can we get a drink? No!

No, no, we can get one drink. Stop it!

No, I-I... What?

I've been dating for fucking 90 years.

Something always happens. Why not this time that I really care?

What could possibly happen? What do you think is gonna happen?

What if I, like, forget to flush the toilet... and there's, like, a tampon in there? Okay.

And not like a cute, like, "Oh, it's the last day."

Like, a real tampon.

I'm talking, like, a crime scene tampon.

Like... Like, the Red Wedding, Game of Thrones.

Oh, that bloody.

Oh, my gosh! It's like a Quentin Tarantino, Django, like, a real motherfucker of a tampon.

Like you... There's, like, an ear on it.

You know what I mean though... Oh, my gosh.

There's, like, deal breakers, you know?

I know. Oh. Why?

Hey, look who's here! Hey!

This does not seem safe. Hi.

Whoo! Oh, my God.

Always here.

Is Amy crying? Yeah, she's in love.

Oh, with Steven? No!

No! I love Steven.

He taught me this workout to get me a beach bod. Okay.

You look amazing. Thank you so much.

You'll be really ripping it up.

Oh! Oh!

That was cool.

Oh! And there he is! Thank you, thank you.

It's LeBron. LeBron!

I'm LeBron James, and welcome to the Big Apple Jam Fest.

So, are you guys ready to have some fun?

The Knicks City Dancers!

Whoo!

Y'all ready for this?

They're just gyrating.

No, they're not. No, no, no. These girls work really hard. I treat them.

You tre... You treat them? Yes, I do. I work with them.

They get bad injuries. I bet.

The pole isn't always greased right.

You're gonna lose us the right to vote!

How long is this? I... I don't know.

Like, I don't know maybe another hour or something. I'm just asking.

Okay.

Whoo!

Dr. Conners.

Do you mind taking a look at my ankle? I think I rolled it.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Yeah, I'll-I'll see you in a sec.

Hey! Hey.

You were so great. Everybody flipped out when you came out here.

It was cool to see. Thank you.

But seriously, like, you know, what's the deal?

You know, what's your intentions?

My intentions? Yeah, with my boy.

Like, what's your plan? Oh, I don't have a plan with Aaron.

I... No, we've just been dating for, like, six weeks, and, uh...

We're just hanging out. Okay.

Keeping it "cazh."

So, like, you know, you get butterflies when you hear his name?

Excuse me?

When you're looking at clouds, do you see his face?

Do you hear his name when you listen to the wind?

Um...

Yes?

I really have to ask you a question.

Don't hurt him.

So, we did it. Okay?

We fell hard for each other.

Welcome to the whitest couple in America.

How did no one mug us that day?

Look at his hat.

I know. We're kissing on a rock.

Do you know how many homeless people have taken a dump on that rock?

Subway kissing? Ew.

I love how tall he is.

Whoa! Easy, dude. I'm a working man too.

All right, I get it. Hey, Noam.

Hey, guys! Whoa, inside sex. I'm digging that.

Even my dad likes him.

My dad doesn't like anyone.

He thought Mother Teresa was full of shit.

That's my "Aaron's apartment" toothbrush.

I have two toothbrushes.

I hope this love montage ends like Jonestown.

Ooh! I think this is where Woody Allen met Soon Yi.

Okay, okay, easy.

That was a dare, okay?

I was dared to do that.

What's up with you and Amy? How's that going?

Amy? Yeah.

Things are going awesome, man.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. It's going real good.

I mean, I really, really like her, but... she's... she's got some issues, you know?

I mean, that's gonna happen. Yeah.

It's like, last night we went out drinking, and, like...

You? Yeah, I went out drinking.

And she, uh...

And, uh...

We, uh...

You know, I don't drink. I got hammered.

And then she drank a lot, but she didn't... Barely got...

But she didn't get drunk at all.

She's...

So how's the sex? The sex?

Why do you always wanna know this stuff, man?

Listen, I'm a married man. Uh-huh.

I need to live vicariously through you.

Just give me a couple of details. No.

Just like 11. Eleven details?

When you're married as long as me, you'll understand.

She knows what she wants. It's great.

The sex is great. It's rough. It's wild.

I mean, if it's not wild, it's not right.

Right. But no, it's crazy.

Like pulling my hair and stuff. Oh.

We've never... We haven't even laid down yet.

Always either, like, sitting up or against a wall or something.

I've never been on top once. Oh.

We have a safe word. Already?

Yeah. It's "calypso." Man, it's pretty early for a safe word.

It is. Second date, we had a safe word.

It's insane, man.

You ready for this? Come on, man.

I've been practicing. Man, knock it off.

Ready for this? Ready for this?

Yeah! Oh. It's foul. Foul?

Yeah, man. You hit me. No.

You use protection, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she's got little bowls of condoms all around her apartment.

Condoms? Yeah.

I'm not talking about condoms. I'm talking about, like, protection, like a lawyer.

Like a nondisclosure agreement, you know? Oh, yeah.

No penetration without representation.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Wh... What happened? Nothing, man.

Listen, I'll tell you one thing.

You don't wanna have a baby mama. Yeah?

Next thing, you're paying for a Ferrari.

Yeah. You getting her a big house, a big mansion.

She's gonna want to start a jumpsuit line.

And you gonna have to pay for it. You wanna go through that?

You gotta convince one of your friends to say he's the dad and raise the child.

Who wants to go through that? Kid end up being 6'7 ", and your best friend only 5'2".

Eighteen years later, the kid comes... and he writes a book about you saying how much of a jackass you are.

Yeah. Eighteen years, man. Eighteen years.

Your baby mama's car and crib is bigger than his.

You could turn on the TV any given Sunday.

Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai.

She was supposed to get the shorty Tyco with your money.

Then she went to the doctor, got lipo with your money.

What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?

It's Kanye. You're quoting Kanye West to me?

You know what? Amy's not like that.

Amy's not like that at all. She's awesome.

And this is gonna be great.

She's cool, and I don't have to worry about that. All right.

Oh! Did you let me do that?

Did I just score on you?

Yes! You are my bitch, LeBron James!

But not really. Not really.

You gotta admit, that was a good shot though. Come on, man.

I scored on LeBron James. I'm never playing basketball again.

Lunch is on you, buddy!

Where you going, Aaron? Whoo!

Aaron!

LeBron.

Whoo!

Goddamn it!

How's work?

Work's great, actually.

I think I'm gonna get that editor job.

Yeah, Aaron's been kind of pushing me to think bigger.

Can I just do this, please?

Aaron was telling me about this acupuncturist.

She's supposedly amazing.

She helps a lot of his patients with pain management.

I really want her to take a look at you. Will you do that?

I have no desire for an Oriental woman to touch me above the waist.

Don't say that. That's disgust...

It's "Asian." Just say "Asian."

Why does Aaron all of a sudden know everything about everything?

He's a doctor. He knows something.

He's a sports doctor. That's not a real doctor. Let's face it.

A real doctor tries to cure diseases.

He's trying to get courtside seats for the play-offs.

You're saying sports doctors aren't real doctors?

Yeah. When they said, "What do you wanna focus on?" "I wanna focus on MS."

"What do you wanna focus on?" "I wanna focus on cancer."

"What about you?" "I don't give a f...

Whatever gets me closest to men's locker rooms."

Okay. That's really...

"I want giant, athletic penises close to my face... while I'm pretending to look at their knees."

He's a good doctor, and he does a lot with Doctors Without Borders.

He's a great guy. I'm not saying he's not a good guy, but he's got about a month left before you give him the boot, right?

What does that mean?

He's a reaction from the muscle-bound knucklehead, so now you go for the nerdy brainiac.

I know the way your pattern works, Amy. I... It's my pattern.

No, Dad, I really like him.

And I just want you to be nice to him. I want you to take it seriously.

Will you do that? I think we have a real shot.

That's great.

You sound like a Lifetime movie.

One of the happy ones, not the murder ones.

Don't you want me to be happy? I mean...

You're building him up, and you're gonna let yourself in for a big fall.

He's gonna break your heart.

I'm leaving. I'll talk to you later.

I'll tell Temembe to come get you.

Amy, don't walk... Don't leave like this.

I don't like it when you don't talk to me for a while.

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

Oh, no, I wanna be doing this with you.

It's the only one I've ever done that we've framed.

It looks great.

It seems like a regional thing. - Well...

Hey. Hi.

Hi. Hey. I'm Aaron.

I'm Kim. So nice to meet you. Kim.

It's really nice to meet you. You're Tom? Tom.

Pleasure to meet you.

Hey, Amy. How are you?

Congrats on trapping my sister with your seed.

Well, not all sex ends with a flush and a cry.

You know, sometimes you get this.

That's killer. Come on in!

This is Wendy and Kyle.

Hello. Hi.

It's great to see you.

Oh, nice. Very good.

What does that mean? "Welcome to our party."

It's Portuguese. Rolm's teaching me.

That's our son Rolm. We adopted him about six months ago.

Yeah, we've been teaching him, but really, he's been teaching us.

Yeah. How to protect ourselves. How to stand up for ourselves.

He has night terrors. Lotta lessons really quick.

He's a very strong presence in our house.

Um, we love you.

Yeah. Lot of lessons.

How to get along with, essentially, a stranger... who refuses to learn English.

He doesn't know his birthday. He says around eight, but the dentist said he was 12 at least.

They know. Yeah, he's through puberty. For sure.

Oh. Yeah, he was so small in the e-mail, but... he's shot up.

Come on in the party.

There's drinks on the deck and there's food in the kitchen over here.

I haven't been to a baby shower in years.

We're so glad you made it. Yeah. Hey, congratulations, man.

So, I hear that you work with athletes.

Yeah. I'm a physician and a surgeon.

Mostly work with the Knicks right now, but, uh...

Oh! Very cool.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And other athletes.

Oh. Wow.

Really? Like... Like, which ones?

Specifically, which athletes?

Uh, Tom Brady.

Yeah. Wow.

Any other athletes that you, uh, work with?

Uh, Jay Cutler. Whoa!

Yeah, I work with him. Um... He's awesome.

Do you guys follow tennis? Yeah.

Rog-Roger Federer? Whoa.

Uh, Robert Griffin.

Cool!

Chris Paul. CP3.

Alex Rodriguez. Fuck that guy.

I agree. Yeah.

Fuck him. Piece of shit.

Clayton Kershaw.

Oh! Yeah!

Amy, he's great.

Yeah, where did you find him?

We... Uh... Work.

Well, you two are really cute together.

You two would have the most perfect babies.

I could just eat you up. You know?

Yeah, it seems a little early for this kind of talk, so...

It's not. If anything, it's late.

My life did not begin until I had kids.

Your life has not begun.

Yeah, you know, I'm... I'm pretty happy right now, so...

Aaron, do you want a family?

Um, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think I'd like to have two kids by the time I'm 40.

At least. Right? Oh, yeah.

Two is tight. It's tight.

If I were you, I would start thinking about having them as soon as possible.

Just breathe. Just breathe. It's fine.

He wants to have kids. Like, right now. Amy.

People talk about that. Not really.

It's fine. I don't know anyone that talks about that.

He's great. It's normal.

I think Aaron's great. I really like him.

Can you tell the members of Heaven's Gate in there to relax?

No, he's too nice. He's not too nice.

Yes, he is. He's too nice for me. You know it.

No, Am... I... No. He's the perfect amount of nice that you deserve.

There's deal breakers across the board with him.

Like, the sex is good. It's, like, really good.

Like, it's great, but it's not, like, the best I've ever had.

You know? Yeah, right.

You don't want "best sex that you've ever had guy."

No, you wanna stay with the "best you've ever had guy."

You don't. That's a creepy guy. You don't wanna be with that guy.

"Best sex that you've ever had guy" is in jail.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

But I've been thinking about maybe reaching out to him.

Stop. Amy, breathe. It's fine. He's great.

You're ridiculous. Mother.

I'm not ready for...

If I kiss the belly hard enough, will the baby feel it?

You wanna try?

I think that the baby did feel it.

No.

Kim's great, man. Oh, yeah. Thanks.

She's really awesome. Kim's the best.

I'm glad I finally got to meet her.

Yeah, and Amy's great, too, by the way.

Like, I just love her.

But keep her away from those pro athletes. You know what I mean?

Wait. What does that mean?

Um...

No, like, it was a joke.

Like, that she'd sleep with them.

I don't get the joke angle.

Well, the... N-No, not that she would, but...

Those are the kinds of jokes she tells.

Like... Like, "I'm loose. I'm a whore." Or whatever.

That's my girlfriend. No. I know.

It's not my joke. It's her...

Those are the kind of jokes she tells, which I'm not, like, for at all.

Like, I'm always like, "Don't tell these kinds of jokes."

And then she does. I'm like, "There she goes again."

Really? But I'm just like... Just forget I said this.

Just, like, drag that one to trash and just empty trash.

Oh.

The game is Skeletons in the Closet. Okay.

We all have to admit things we've never told anyone before.

No! No, Wendy.

Yes! I'm already embarrassed.

Yes, we have to. We have to do it.

Okay, okay.

Sometimes, after Kyle falls asleep, I get up and eat Skinny Cow ice cream pops.

No! No, you don't. You should be asleep.

I know. Sometimes I have the whole box. What?

That's like an... a whole regular-size ice cream if you eat the whole box.

I know. I know. Your turn.

Okay. Um, last week, I let my six-year-old watch Glee.

Too soon. I know. I know. I know.

That show's very racy. She's six years old.

There were some, um, homosexual undertones. I will say that.

There were two girls kissing in this episode.

And you know, I haven't even explained to them what gay people are.

Uh, they're people? Yeah.

Okay, okay. Amy, your turn.

Um, I don't know how I'm gonna follow these.

They were so good. You guys are really brave.

Thanks for trusting.

Um, one time, I had sex with this guy, and we couldn't find the condom.

So three days later, I found out it was attached to my cervix.

It had been, like, kind of pounded up there.

And, uh, so I googled what do I do, right?

So it said just kind of bear down, you know, and just fish it out.

Like, with... Uh, you know, make your finger a hook.

So I just, you know, like, hooked my finger like this... and then just kind of beared down and just got it out of there.

I let Tim and his brothers tag team me on Christmas morning.

And you know what? It was wonderful.

I like her.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Can you come over?

No. I'm working.

Is this about the baby shower?

'Cause I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to The Real Housewives of Hell.

No, it's fine. It's fine. It's not about that.

What's up?

Um, Dad died.

He was hoarding his medication and his heart gave out.

Amy?

Are you there?

A little change? A penny?

A nickel? A ruble?

Crowd fund this. Come on. Help me out.

Thank you.

Um...

I had a... I had a black boyfriend once.

Your mother must be proud.

Yep.

And I'd do it a... I'd do it again.

Hello.

Thank you for coming.

Gordon David Townsend.

Not that great of a guy.

He was kind of racist... and homophobic.

He was a drunk.

He was a drunk.

He once apologized to me for missing a volleyball game... that he was at.

He had, um, made signs with my name on them.

When I was 11, this kid, Brandon Lipinsky...

Remember Brandon? He stole my bike.

Maybe he was just borrowing it, but our dad went over there and beat the shit out of Brandon's dad... and his grandpa and Brandon.

I bet he personally offended everyone here.

Right? Raise your hand if our dad ever offended you.

Yeah.

He was an asshole.

When I asked him to tell me the story of how he proposed to our mom, his response was "Who?"

And I know he was joking. He loved her a lot.

But, uh...

He was really sick for a really long time.

Which isn't fair, because I don't think anyone else was more alive than him... when he was younger.

He thought it was payback. He thought it was karma.

And that's why he got sick. But I don't think so.

I think he was the greatest dad.

He always made me feel loved and important.

I know he fucked up.

I know he probably hurt everyone here.

But raise your hand if he was one of your favorite people.

He was my favorite person.

Thank you.

You all right?

This makes me wish they'd found my father's remains.

I'll cook? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Hey.

Mother, can we go to La Poubelle now?

Yeah. Sure, honey.

How about a piece of pizza?

So Mom doesn't have to take you to a French restaurant.

Pizza has gluten in it.

Who gives a shit? I'm sorry.

Amy. I'm just kidding.

We're just... I'll put Allister in the car.

Can we have one second?

I'm joking.

I'm not in the mood today.

I'm not in the mood for the jokes today.

Thought you'd be in a great mood.

You don't have to pay for Dad's nursing home anymore.

What are you doing?

What? Don't push me away today.

I'm pushing you away? Yes.

You've been running away from this fucking family forever.

Amy, I am not a crazy person... because I got married and got pregnant with a child.

That's what people do.

Why are you even here? You didn't even like him.

I did everything. You don't get to pretend today like you gave a fuck.

I think that's enough for today, Amy.

We ought to go.

Hey. Hey. Fuck.

Hey.

You okay? Yeah. I'm good.

Okay? You ready to go? Yeah, let's go.

Hey, I just want you to know, I really care about you, okay?

And I love you. Thank you.

What? Are you seriously saying that to me today?

You're gonna say that to me, seriously, for the first time right now?

They're putting dirt on my dad's body behind you.

Today is the day you say that? Let's go.

I... Is that bad? Yes, that's bad.

Bad timing. Sorry about that.

I'm sorry. Is this us?

We're way down there.

Is this us? No.

There's the car.

Can he pull up? Do we have his number? Is this us?

I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry.


Hey.

How's it going, sweetheart?

I'm getting by. Mm-hmm.

Thank you for coming the other day. That was really nice. I...

I can't believe he's gone. Mm-hmm.

I'm literally just sitting here waiting for him to call.

It feels like a... like a... a dream or something.

Are we still talking about this?

That was eight days ago. I'm over it.

It was hard, but I'm over it. Sorry.

Best way to grieve... don't do it.

Don't. No. No. Don't grieve.

Yeah. I've got good news for you.

Um, you know that story... that, you know, Mr. Dr. Boring sports guy?

Yeah. Well, uh, I cut it.

I mean, I know you weren't in love with that piece anyway, but...

No, no, no. I was very in love with that. I-I love that piece.

There's nothing happening. There's no tension.

There's no sex appeal.

He's a bore. Did you see the pictures?

You know, we did a photo shoot. Look at him.

Personally, I don't like his odd bird face, but we tried everything.

We tried a ball. Supposed to be a sports guy.

I don't think he'd ever touched a ball before.

Not that kind anyway.

And there he is. Look at him standing there, stiff as a scarecrow.

These guys, they're hot, right?

We even got him wet. I mean, would you fuck that?

Sure. You would?

I wouldn't fuck that with your dick.

No. We decided to go with "Ugliest Celebrity Kids Under Six."

Let's get this done, Amy, or we are not talking promotion.

Good girl. Mm-hmm.

You almost ready? Yeah. I need, like, two seconds.

How you feeling about Amar'e's surgery tomorrow?

I don't feel any pressure at all.

You know, if it doesn't work, it's just the end of his career.

But... Feel fine.

I can't breathe in this. You look great.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks.

Now, is that a formal dress? Or what is it?

Yeah. I mean, it's, like...

There's flowers on it.

It's, like, shiny, kind of.

Is it too short? I mean...

No, no, no, no. Just, uh...

These people are... They're real conservative, and, uh...

You know. Okay, so...

They're more gown... Oh, yeah. A gown?

Do you want me to just go into my gown closet?

No, no. Nah!

Would you grab my tiara? It's right next to my pearls and all...

Forget I said anything. Forget I said anything.

I didn't mean anything. I know nothing about fashion. You look beautiful.

You're crazy hot. Let's go.

You look beautiful. I look like a dickhead.

Why didn't you tell me this was so fancy?

Oh, come on, it's nice. You look really nice. I'm serious.

Congratulations. Maybe we can talk a little later about another charity.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Arnold, from Somalia. Hey, how are you? Hey!

Good to see you, Arnold. All right. Tables.

Enjoy the day. You've earned it. Oh. Thank you, buddy.

Thanks.

Dr. Conners, welcome. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you?

Do you mind if I grab you just for a minute... to go over some things? Sure. Sure, sure.

I'll be right back, okay? Okay.

I'll just... Yeah. I'm fine.

Okay.

Would you like some more wine?

Yeah. That'd be great.

Hey, it's a luncheon. It's wine.

I'll have some more.

Thank you.

Thanks, everyone.

I'm Tony Romo.

Soccer? Football.

Tell you what, I don't get cheered in New York very often, so this is a rare treat for me this evening.

Dallas suck!

That's Amar'e Stoudemire, if you guys do not know.

He's been following me around all week.

Anyway, we're here today to talk about our esteemed recipient.

No athlete wants to go under the knife.

But when you do, you feel comfortable with Dr. Conners.

He's not just changing professional athletes... and the way they look at medicine.

He's also changing the world. And he's helping everybody.

From pandemics to war-torn regions, to extreme poverty situations, they feel safe in his hands.

To our MVP and to my good friend, Dr. Aaron Conners.

Wish me luck.

Good luck. Thanks.

Wow. Hey. Look at this.

Great.

Look at this. Very nice.

Very nice of you guys.

It's very sharp.

I'll be doing the surgery tomorrow with this, Amar'e.

And remember, don't eat anything after midnight.

I'm hungry!

Uh... But I really...

I really wanna thank the actual heroes from Doctors Without Borders.

Sorry.

Mark Twain said, "Be careful about reading health books."

You may die of a misprint."

Shit.

Uh... Hello?

Amy, it's Dianna. Hi, Dianna.

We really need to talk. I'm sorry.

Actually, it's a really bad time. Is there any chance I can...

No, I don't wanna hear that it's a bad time.

Yeah, but maybe in, like, an hour.

You can be replaced within the hour by 90 other girls... who graduated from places... better than whatever state school you blew your way through.

I'm stepping out. Thank you very much.

For fuck's sake! Um...

This, uh...

Uh, this organization came into my life at a time... when I was looking to truly make a difference.

Which of these can we live without?

"We Forgive You, Lance Armstrong,".

"The Inventor of the Pussy Magnet"...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And "Are you Gay or is She Just Boring?"

What do you think?

Uh, is a family.

And it's a family that I'm very, very happy to be a part of.

Thank you guys very much. It's very nice of you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey.

Hey. I was just coming in to watch you.

Yeah, you missed it.

Shit. I got a phone call. How'd it go?

Look, Amy, I know you're going through a lot right now, but I... I really... I really needed you in there.

Instead, you're out here, smoking weed.

No, I didn't come out here to smoke pot.

I came out because, um... because Dianna called.

Amy, I really, really needed you out there.

You were my lifeline. You knew that.

I really can't take you seriously when you're holding that.

Why... Why'd you carry your award out here?

You don't have to carry it around like Anne Hathaway at an Oscar party.

Can you put it down so I can...

It's just... That's crazy, Amy.

You knew I wanted to do that speech to you.

Yeah, I'm so sorry. I-I-I'm...

I really didn't wanna miss it, but I-I was...

I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my job right now.

But it doesn't matter. You shouldn't have your phone on... in the middle of my speech anyway.

That was just so disrespectful, Amy.

God. All right, good-bye. What? No, Amy.

What are you talking about good-bye?

What? I'm leaving. We're... We're fighting.

We're not gonna talk for a while. That's how this works.

What are you talking about? No. We're just having a fight.

What are we doing? What do you want?

Why are you with me? I love you.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because I mean it. I love you. I'm crazy about you.

What do you want me to say? We're just having a fight.

You insulted me, and that's... And I just...

We'll talk about it, and we'll work through it.

What's wrong with you that you wanna be with me?

I... I'm a... I'm a drinker. I don't care.

I've been with a lot of guys. I don't care.

How many?

I don't know.

How many girls have you slept with?

I've slept with three women. Me too.

I have slept with three women too.

How many guys?

What, like, this year? This year?

Fuck this. I'm not talking about this.

Don't say "fuck this." Don't follow me.

Amy.

I don't want... I'm tired. I wanna go to sleep.

You can go to your apartment. It's nicer than mine.

No. Look, my parents had a saying. "Don't go to bed angry."

We're angry. Let's resolve this. Okay?

Your parents weren't that happy. They're very happy.

Fine. You wanna talk about it? You wanna get into it?

Yes, please. Well, let's get into all of it right now.

Okay, let's do it. Okay.

I'll start. You go down on me too much.

What? Yeah. It's selfish.

No, it is actually selfish because y...

No, you act... Don't look like I'm crazy.

You act like it's for me, but really, it's just to show how great you are.

Like, you're always helping people.

So I shouldn't go down on you as much?

Don't try and spin this as a way to not go down on me as much.

That's ridiculous. Of course I want you to go down on me that much.

So take it down a notch? No, keep going down on me.

Forget this whole part of the argument, okay? Forget that.

I'm so glad you apologized. I didn't apologize.

Wow. I did not apologize.

Are you serious right now?

I've been through a lot this year, and... and of course I'm gonna have some... some ups and downs.

But that's why I need to stop... and then say, "Am I gonna just follow the river", or am I gonna make decisions in my li... ".

You're sleeping!

You were just asleep. No, I wasn't.

Okay, good. Because I am not even close to done. Oh, good.

I have a lot of thoughts, and I'm thinking very clearly right now.

I'm so glad that I feel comfortable enough with you to talk like this.

This is the time when you have to look at yourself and say, "Am I living the best life I could?"

"Am I the best version of myself... that I could possibly be?"

That's why I need to stop and then say, "Am I gonna just follow the river, or am I gonna..."

Wake up, Aaron!

You're totally sleeping! Mm-mmm.

You said we're gonna stay up until we figure it out, like your parents.

I'm listening. What did I just say?

You said, "Wake up."

Hey. Amar'e.

What's up, Doc? How you feeling, buddy?

Good. You ready to do this?

Yeah. We're gonna do this. It's gonna be great.

Awesome.

You met Rachel? Yes. We've been acquainted.

All right. - Okay.

What do we have here? Oh, this is just a little more sedative.

Hey, the good stuff. To relax you.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, whoa.

All right, buddy. Okay.

So, uh, we're gonna be replacing your cruciate ligament.

And, um... Uh, do you want a coffee?

Hey, could we get a coffee for... Doc, I can't.

I'm not supposed to drink before... Right.

Don't worry about it. Just one coffee, for me.

Um... Right, right. Are you okay, Doc?

Me? I'm great. I'm great. Yeah.

Me and Amy got into a little bit of an argument, but, you know, I think I'm doing okay. Oh, wow.

Yeah, this is gonna go really well.

She really lit into me last night.

Wow.

Like, really a side of her I've never seen before.

Like, it got... it got... it got dark, fast.

It really fucked me up.

Are you sure you're okay? I'm good. I'm good.

We're gonna get this going. Okay. Perfect.

I'm gonna mark the knee... that, uh, we're gonna do the surgery on.

All right? Doc, this is the wrong knee.

I'm marking this as not the knee to do.

This is not the knee.

Not this knee.

Not this knee. Are you sure you're okay, Doc?

Amar'e, I'm great. This is gonna go great.

This is the bad boy we're gonna split open.

You know what? This is a bad idea.

Amar'e, you're nervous. Everyone gets nervous.

I don't think you get it, Doc. We need to reschedule this.

We're not doing that. I'm gonna get you back out on the court.

We gotta get you back out on the court. I wanna see you play. Okay?

I'm here for you, okay?

You're nervous. I'm nervous.

Amy was acting like a psycho last night.

I don't know what I did.

I really, really like her.

But she's like a fucking demon.

She's like the fucking Exorcist.

I said, "You gotta let me go to sleep. I have a surgery."

And you know what she said? She said... "No!"

Hey, I'm taking a rain check.

I'm outta here. No, no, no, no.

Hey, Amar'e.

Mr. Stoudemire, where are you going?

I gotta get outta here. I gotta get outta here.

Okay.

Amar'e. Watch your head. Wa...

Oh!

Oh, shit.

See if I can help.

Hey. Hey.

How'd it go?

Have you just been watching TV and smoking pot all day?

No. I got up and had some cereal. At some point.

They, uh, canceled my surgery today.

Amar'e didn't feel comfortable with me performing it because I was too tired.

So he... fled.

He was on a lot of anesthesia. He fell.

And when I tried to help him, he called me a witch.

Is he okay?

You know, and it was because of all this shit last night.

Which was... It was crazy.

It just was bad.

Yeah.

You know, I've been thinking about all that.

And I was walking over here.

And I was just thinking, maybe...

Can I say something?

You know what? It does bother me... that you smoke pot and that you drink a lot.

And I do care that you slept with a lot of guys.

It makes me feel unsafe or something. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you should be with a girl who you feel safe with.

That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying.

It's very clear. That's fine. It's obvious.

You should be with one of those cheerleaders.

Amy, that's not what I'm saying. Just go be with that kinda girl.

A little Texan with huge hair and big tits.

And then, when you get married, she wants to be more conservative, so she just gets, like, smaller fake tits put in, but they still look amazing.

Well, you know, the thing about cheerleaders is that they... you know, they bring people together and they make people happy.

Unlike you and your friends at your magazine... who sit there and judge people from afar... because if you don't try, then you can't fail.

That's why you're threatened by cheerleaders.

That's me. You really got me.

All right. You know what, Amy?

Um...

You know what? Uh, we're...

I have to do the surgery in two days.

Let's just take those two days off.

And then, um, I'll do the surgery, and then we'll come back and we'll work this out.

You know what? I think you're right. That's good.

I know we're done here.

"We're done?" What are you talking about?

Amy, that's not what I'm saying. And you know what? It's fine.

It's not fine. It's fine that we're done.

Because I don't need to talk to you anymore.

Because the interview's over.

Because your article got canceled.

My boss said you were too boring.

All right. You win.


Hey.

Hey.

How are you doing? So great.

It's fun, right? This is the best.

I love this.

So, what's... Are you gonna work at the magazine... after the internship?

Honestly? Yeah.

Probably not.

Why? You're so, like, good, and you have energy.

Yeah, I know, but being around all these, like, photographs, I think I wanna do photography.

Oh, yeah. I can see that for you.

Like, pictures and...

I love that stuff, like the photo shoots for... Yeah.

Hey! Last call for alcohol!

I gotta get outta here.

Oh. You... You wanna get outta here?

Yeah, okay. Let's go.

Yeah, okay.

Cool.

Shit, Donald.

It's so nice to hang with you outside the office.

This is great. I really like you.

I really like you.

You're great.

Mmm.

Okay, maybe let's next... next... phase it up, you know?

Okay. I know just what you mean.

Lie down. Whoa.

Hey. Oh!

Hey. When did you get here?

Yeah, let's get that going.

Oh, shit.

Shit!

Yeah. Shit.

Just feel me. Feel me. Okay.

Feel me. Okay.

You like that? Grab my tits. Grab 'em.

Feel 'em. I feel like I'm the one with the tits in the equation, but this is cool.

You wanna lick 'em? Uh... Shit.

You wanna lick 'em? Yes, you do. You wanna lick 'em.

Sure you there? Yeah, I'm right... Now I'm there.

Yeah, suckle it.

Shit.

I don't have a good angle.

Let me just... Ooh.

What?

You're just gonna stay really still for me, okay?

Stay really still. Yeah? What is that?

What is that?

It's Adderall. I have ADHD, so it just helps me with my education.

Okay, this is so great, but what about...

Cradle my bonch. Cradle my bonch. Your what?

I'm gonna take a rain check, but how about...

You wanna get on top? You wanna take charge, Daddy?

You wanna take charge, Daddy? I think it's... I think it's Mama's turn.

Yeah. Sure, Daddy.

Oh, yeah.

All right, this is great.

I just want you to know, my safe word is "pineapple."

All right. Got it.

Okay.

Hit me. Hit you?

Yeah, I want you to hit me. Okay.

Ooh. Are you serious?

In the face.

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Hit me hard.

Oh, fucking do it already!

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Why don't you take a little arthritis medication... and then try again.

You pathetic, childless MILF.

Hit me like this!

Ow!

Fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

Pineapple! Pineapple!

Donny, what's going on back here?

Mommy.

"Mommy"? Mommy, my eye.

He is 16 years old!

Fuck!

So... you had quite a night.

I'm so...

Amy.

Listen. We've all been there.

Oh, yeah.

I once fucked three-quarters of Pink Floyd.

Yeah. Dark side of all their moons.

Amy.

You're a very strong writer.

I will go so far as to say that you are my most valuable writer.

Thank you.

I reread your latest draft of the Dr. Conners piece, and I... I have to confess, I spoke too soon.

It is very good.

Really? It really is.

Really? Yeah, it's very good.

Yeah. Thank you.

You won't regret this, Dianna.

I know you said, d-don't...

I won't regret what? I'm not gonna publish it here.

Oh, no. No, no. Amy, you're fired.

Amy, how could you not get that?

You are so fired.

My love, I can't have one of my employees having sex... with someone underage and beating them up.

You know? One or the other, but not the combo.

See what I'm saying?

Hey, Dianna, we just, um...

Oh. Uh, you're doing it now?

Sorry. Should we come back, or did it already happen?

Everyone knows? Did what already happen?

Amy fucked Donald.

Amy... I didn't fuck Donald.

I-I tried... I... Can you two go?

Yeah, you tried. He's 16.

Oh, my God!

Can you get out, you guys? Go, please.

His safe word is "pineapple." Fuck you.

Fuck you, Schultz. Can you go?

You wanna line up the winners you've fucked?

Get out. Hey, congrats. Nice.

The girl you fucked while she was quarantined for we don't even know what.

I'm sorry about that. That's so inappropriate.

Anyway, nice news. I know you're close with Nikki.

She got the executive editor position.

Oh, that's... that's great.

Thanks, Amy. And that means the world.

Although, you know, I... I can turn down the position... if, you know, you want me to.

Okay, yeah, please don't take it.

I'm serious.

I'm kidding.

You're funny. Congratulations.

You scared me.

No, she's great. I mean, she's...

She looks like an idiot.

Okay. Go. Yeah. Go.


Amar'e. Hey, buddy. Hey, Doc.

Hey.

How'd we do? We did great.

Okay. You get some sleep.

Did it go Tom Brady good?

It went better than Brady good.

Have you seen his wife, Gisele? Yeah, I have. Yeah.

She's hot.

Look, you're on a lot of medication right now, so why don't you just get some sleep, all right?

Isn't she, like, a Victoria's Secret model?

You know, I don't know. I think so, yeah.

I'm gonna be right here. I'm gonna be on this floor.

So if you need anything, you let me know, okay?

I follow her on Instagram. Okay.

You should go to sleep. Okay, buddy?

Oh.

Are we gonna do this again? Okay.

All right. Yeah.

I love you. Oh, I love you too, man.

It went great.

Okay. Okay.

And he's asleep.

Everybody's left a dog in a hot car... at some point in their lives.

I don't think that's true.

I trust you with my hot doggy.

Hello. Hey, Aaron. This is LeBron.

So I'm at the gym, man. I think I pulled something.

You pulled something? You need to come down.

Uh... It hurts like a mother.

Yeah. Hey. I'll-I'll-I'll be right over.

Hurry up. Yeah. Just sit tight. I'll be right over.

LeBron!

Hey.

You okay?

I'm not okay, Aaron. I'm concerned about you.

What, so you're not hurt? No.

This is your intervention.

What? My intervention? For what?

You ruined things with Amy.

This is about Amy?

You've been so sad lately. It's scaring me.

Oh. Aaron.

We're concerned about you.

You've helped us, and now we're gonna help you.

Come on, man. Sit. Sit down.

Oh, it started and it is on.

I'm sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?

Now, I know that relationships can be terrifying, but you don't just bail out at the first sign of trouble.

Oh, it's obvious. Aaron choking under intense pressure.

I did not choke, Marv.

You know what? Thanks for that, Matthew, but you live a charmed life.

Okay? My situation is much more complicated.

You know, not all of us can be Ferris Bueller... and marry the star of Sex and the City.

Why not? I did.

Yeah. You did. You married the star of Sex and the City.

There's three other ladies on that show. Yeah, one's a lesbian.

Now... Matthew, that's not helpful.

We want him to stay with Amy.

Look, if he's not happy and she's not the right one for him, then obviously, it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes, the right person happens to be sitting right in front of you.

Chris Evert hitting on Aaron hard.

Chris, don't hit on Aaron.

LeBron, don't be a cockblocker.

Evert is still at it, and, frankly, it's making me uncomfortable.

You know what I think the issue might be?

You're probably focusing on her problems... instead of looking in the mirror.

Aaron is playing the blame game. Thank you, Marv.

I bet you're not the easiest person to have a relationship with.

Broderick cutting deep with his insights. He is on fire.

His best work since WarGames.

You guys don't understand. I tried. She didn't wanna be a part of it.

Can't just run when you get scared. She pushed me away.

Aaron is fearing engulfment and intimacy.

Okay, you know what? You're not helpful.

You're not helpful. You're not helpful.

And you are really not helpful, Marv. Really not helpful.

Marv Albert apologizes.

All right. Wait a minute. No, wait, wait, Aaron.

Before you go, can you take a look at my hip?

Are you serious?

There's a popping sound, and it doesn't go away.

Yeah, when I walk. Any time I walk.

I can hear it. I'll see you at the office, all right?

Bye. Aaron.

Good-bye, LeBron. Aaron!

I thought you said he would look at my hip.

Yeah, if things would've went better.

Hi.

Hey.

This isn't working for you anymore.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I know you're sorry.

No.

No, I'm really sorry.

I want you to know... that I act like... everything you do in your life is so wrong and stupid.

But it's just because I... I don't think that I can have that.

I'm not okay.

I'm not okay, Kimmy.

I know what I am.

I know who I am and I'm...

I'm broken.

Mother, Dad needs you.

We're talking right now. What's going on?

I don't know. He's just yelling.

Okay.

Is it okay? Okay.

What you got there?

Uh, my drawings for Minecraft.

For what? Minecraft.

It's a game where you can build a whole virtual world... and put whatever you want in it... and make it big or small or whatever.

Let me see. Yeah.

If it's a video game, why is it in a notebook?

Oh, I... I draw it out first, you know, to plan it... so I know what to build and what to put in it... instead of just winging it.

What's this? Oh, this is our house.

Here's my bedroom. Here's the baby's room.

What's that rectangle?

It's the mattress for you and Aaron to stay in once the baby's born.

That's for me?

You and Aaron. Yeah. Yeah.

That's really cool, Allister. Thank you.

But you know what? I don't think Aaron's gonna be around much anymore.

So...

Oh. You don't like him anymore.

I like him more than anybody. He's my best friend.

Then we should have him come over.

Yeah. Yeah.

We should.

The baby's room is pink.

It's a girl?

It's a girl.

That is... That's amazing. Congrats.

That's so cool. No, it's not.

It's not. It's the worst thing in the world.

It really sucks. She's doomed.

No, she'll be fine.

She's got us.

She'll be fine.

I miss Dad too.

I know that.

Come here.

I got you.

I'm uncomfortable.

We're together.

Receive... The love.

Get outta here.

Too much intimacy. Love overload.

Accept it. I'm exiting this hug.

Urban Outfitter, help me out. Come on, buddy.

Hey, Noam. What's up, Amy?

A gift. Booze, pot, drugs.

And a place to live. Amy, you are the best.

You got it, man. Oh, God. I gotta give you something.

No, it's okay. How about a reach around?

Oh, I don't need a reach around. Thanks, man.

"The most important play of the season is about to take place..." and there isn't a scoreboard, fan or cheerleader in sight.

The man on the spot is Aaron Conners.

And his arena is a silent, antiseptic operating room on a Tuesday morning... where he's about to sew Amar'e Stoudemire's battered $20 million knee together.

Time is ticking.

Pressure builds, and he goes for it.

I, on the other hand, just woke up, still drunk with dried cheese under my fingernails, leading me to believe that I ordered fries... before passing out on the floor.

Life hurts.

But spending time with Dr. Conners showed me that you can't play scared.

And maybe every drunken night, accidental ride on the Staten Island Ferry... and awkward sexual encounter were just practice for this.

"The main event."

Since the beginning of training camp, Knick fans have wondered, when do they get back their number one?

Well, the answer is tonight.

Amar'e Stoudemire is back in action for the Knicks.

Hi, everybody. I'm Marv Albert, and welcome to sold-out Madison Square Garden, where Knicks fans are holding their breath... to see if Amar'e Stoudemire's surgically repaired knee will bring new hope... as they tip off another season, looking to get back into the play-off picture.

It's the Knicks and the Nets, coming up next.

How you doing, man?

I'm gonna ask you this question. How are you feeling?

How's the knee feeling? Feels good. Feels great.

Yeah. It's okay? Yeah. It's awesome.

Taxi!

Oh, taxi! What is going on?

Amar'e Stoudemire is checking in.

And it is a standing ovation.

Number one, Amar'e Stoudemire!

Why are we stopped?

You know, sometimes on these short trains, you know, it doesn't touch that third rail, you know, where the electricity is?

So the red signal comes on and the power just shuts off.

Really? No, not really. I don't fucking know.

Do I look like I work for MTA? I don't know.

What, I got MetroCards in my fucking purse now? Oh. Sorry.

What the fuck, man? You ask me some stupid shit.

I'm sorry. I don't work here.

Don't lean into me.

Pierce, off the drive.

It is blocked by Stoudemire!

And then comes up with the ball.

Under four to play here in the first.

Smith. Finding Stoudemire!

Beautiful play! And that gets the crowd going.

Hey, Dr. Conners. Oh. Hey.

Amar'e looked good tonight. Yeah, he did.

I'm happy for him. Actually, he's looking for you.

He said to meet him out on court.

On court? Yeah.

Right now? Right now.

Uh... Okay.


Y'all ready for this?

Amy?


Let's get ridiculous!

Yeah!

Yeah! Whoo!

Let's get ridiculous! You're really good!


Come here.

Hey.

Hi. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

No. You were really, really good.

As it turns out, I am in terrible physical shape. Yeah, I saw that.

Could you see that? Yeah, yeah.

I am sweating more than I am proud of. Yeah.

No, no. I know. Hey.

What? I really missed you.

I missed you.

What? Amy, you really don't need to do that.

Why is there a mat?

Oh, shit. These guys.

Hey.

No, no, no, no. Amy, you can't. Bad idea!

Honey! Honey! No!

No! No!

Amy! No!

Amy? Amy?

Amy. Amy, honey.

You okay? Did I get it?

Did you get the basket? Did it go in?

Oh, of course not.

You didn't get enough height. No?

No. I thought I got a lot of height.

No, no. Zero height. No height, huh?

Usually when people hit trampolines, they go high, but for some reason you went down.

You went straight down. Hard. I went down.

I really wanna impress you. Yeah?

Yeah, I wanna show you I can work hard... and put myself out there, you know?

No, I got that. And not be afraid to fail.

No. I got... I got the metaphor.

'Cause with the dance, I wanna show you, like, us.

Yeah, I got the metaphor.

'Cause, like, I really wanna try. Yeah.

I wanna try with you.

I wanna try too.

I love you.

Yeah? Yeah.

I love you too, Amy.

Aw!