Transformer (2017) Script

How am I ever gonna find peace being comfortable in my own skin?


The truth is, it's taking everything I've got as a man to become a woman because when it comes to being a man, well--

I was one hell-of-a-guy.

There is no weight, no weight.

Oh, yeah! Press that!

From as far back as I can remember, I've had two desires.

To be strong and to be a woman.

I just never knew how I could have both.

Did it!


Some of these are my dad's old photos when he was a kid.

And I think that's what this one is.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

These ones are when I was once a little baby.

That's the trailer I grew up in.

My very humble beginnings.

Growing up basically poor white trash, I definitely had issues with feeling less and wanting to not feel the way.

There are times where I got bullied and I hated it.

I hated that feeling.

I hated that feeling of vulnerability.

I get him a book by Arnold Schwarzenegger and he read the whole thing.

And I told him, I says: "Well, you do everything that Arnold did and you'll be like that, you know." Well, he took it seriously.

I started high school at 118 pounds, I ended up at 180 pounds and the strongest kid around.

The harder I pushed the weights, the bigger and stronger I got, the better I felt.

This is my high school football photo.

On our games days, the guys would wear their jerseys and then the girls would wear their cheerleader outfits to school.

And me, I'd be sitting there in class with my jersey on and I'd be looking at them and wondering what it be like to switch places and be in their place.

That was something that...

That it's never been out of my mind for five minutes my entire life.

It was something you just thought about all day, every day.

And...

I always been there...

And it tortured me for a really, really long time.

And this is my picture with President Clinton.

I actually have taken in the Oval Office.

Part of my reason for joining the Marines was to challenge myself to make my own way.

And it was another way to push the feminine feelings down and really focus on the masculine stuff.

If there was any period in my life I really overdid the macho thing, that was definitely during that Marines.

First bodybuilder show.

This is right after I got out of the Marines.

Grabbed this championship, Matt Kroczaleski.

You go, Matt. You're looking good.

Oh, yeah, nice job, Matt.

Look at his abs. Good abs.

I can tell you that just being big and muscular means the vast majority of people aren't gonna mess with you.

It makes the odds of running into trouble in that way much, much lower.

Right after that is when I got real serious about powerlifting.

Come on, come on!

Feeling less than everyone else, I had this really deep desire to win.

Come on, Matt.

Easy.

That's good.

It's my hun.

And as I grew, I met my wife.

And while the marriage didn't last, my three sons became the most important thing in my life.

It's Christmas 2007.

Good morning, Maxx.

Good morning, Dad.

Yeah, it's a turtle. Go.

Go, go, go.

I loved my father, but he simply wasn't there.

Oh, turtle!

Let me see, guys. Do you like them? Yes.

Woo-hoo. I like mine a lot.

Thanks, Dad. You're welcome, buddy.

It didn't matter if I was lying down for bed, I was thinking about lifting.

Waking up first thing in the morning, I was thinking about it.

You know, I'd be sitting in pharmacy school during lectures and, hum, you know, and... you know, I did alright and everything, but I-- I would be thinking about lifting.

Yeah.

Yeah!

I was the first powerlifter picked by a major supplement company.

Being big and strong, it gave me a sense of self.

It gave me an identity.

I was the crazy guy, the tough guy, the intense guy, the one that could take anything.

My identity wasn't Matt. It was Kroc.

By the time I was done, I had bench pressed 738 pounds, squatted 1,003, deadlifted 810, and the world record was mine.

Compared to everyone my size, I was the strongest man on the planet.

But I felt like the person I was, was completely constructed.

There was a whole, whole bunch that was missing.

And I didn't know if there was anything about me that was authentic.

My family had known for years that I was transgender, but to the outside world, I was still Kroc.

More than once I have gotten dressed up and broke down crying when I look in the mirror and just so unhappy with my body and how I looked and my lack of ability to, you know, look feminine in the way that I wanted to.


What's up, everybody? What you are looking at are pictures of a famous bodybuilder/powerlifter.

His name is Matt Kroc.

Right now that is a new Instagram.

This time around, under the name of Janae Marie Kroc.

As you guys can appreciate the back gains are absolutely still loyal in my reckoning even though we cannot see it quite clearly.

This is a front lat spread, definitely a sight to be seen, and the mass is still, actually, amazing.

When that video went public, I decided it was time to stop hiding.

If my story was gonna be told, I wanted to be the one who was going to tell it.

Yes. OK, we're good now, we're good now.

Alright, well, we're here today with a very special guest.

We're here with Janae Kroc, and we got a lot of interesting and awesome things to get to today.

I mean, I didn't want any of this, that's what people don't understand.

I mean, I fought this as hard as I could, as long as I could.

Uhm, this isn't what I wanted. This was never a choice. You know, this is like...

It's either this or be miserable, you know, forever, and, uhm...

You know, at one point it drove me to consider suicide, and to be honest, this will be the biggest challenge I've ever faced, way harder than any of the injuries or even cancer for me.

Uhm, this is way more difficult.

When did you have cancer? Back in 2004.

Testicular cancer, ironically, and I remember thinking, "God, I hope it spreads everywhere, and they have to remove everything."

I knew, like, being a pharmacist and having a medical background, I knew that's not how the cancer spreads.

That's how overwhelming this feeling was to need to be female. That's crazy.

You're very physical, I mean, you had world records in powerlifting, a former marine, in general, just a fucking badass, so it's not like you're saying you're a girly girl, but--

Right, but yeah...

When it comes to being a dude, you were a tough motherfucker.

Yeah, and thank you.

It sounds funny coming out of me now, but, That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said.

Janae, don't break down.

The hardest thing with my failed transition attempts in the past was, there's only two things really on my mind:

Being comfortable letting go of all that muscle and all that strength because not only you know, did I enjoy those things for competition and stuff, but it was a safety blanket and always has been.

But then also, how is this gonna affect my boys?

They're a hundred percent supportive. I mean, they've been telling me for years, you know, "Do what you need to do. We love you either way. It doesn't matter."

But they're going from having the world champion powerlifter, super-dad that everyone looks up to, everybody loves their...

I mean, the coaches and stuff all love me.

Now they're gonna have the transgender dad.

That was very permanent. It is.

You know, and for them to say, "Hey, go do your thing" is really cool, but I think at the same time, it's good that you're recognizing that it's different, you know.

So, you said you're kind of transitioning now, and you said that kind of means losing weight?

So, at this point, I am cutting weight.

Uhm, I've restarted female hormones.

I'm moving forward with it.

Is it a hundred percent?

I've started and stopped five times before.

So, there's... You know, never say never.

At first, you know, the attempt to transition was just dieting for a few months, stopping lifting.

In my most recent attempt last year, I had dropped my lifting weight back and started taking female hormones, and before I decided that, "You know what, I can't do this."

After that, I came back, and I got bigger than I'd ever been.

For me, to be the woman that I want to be in appearance and physical form, might not be possible.

I don't think I am comfortable as an extremely muscular woman, but as a guy, that's the only way I'm comfortable. So, what do I do?

Hey, guys. Finally made it, huh?

How's your day been? Nice day.

It's good to see you, guys. I know, it is.

I just saw you a couple of days ago. I know. It was nice.

Got to see your football game, too.

Maxx, where's my hug, man? Just got my pillowcase.

I don't know why I always bring one.

Why do you bring a pillowcase with you?

Garret, can you do it today?

Tonight, I'm gonna go out to a club and stay out. You guys wanna come?

We can't. Logan can. I'll sneak you in, get you some beers.

A pillowcase, dude, when are you gonna get a backpack or something?

I don't know. I know, that...

OK, my buddy, we might have some of the stuff for the Camaro.

It was running really smooth, but then it was bogging when I'd open all the way up, especially about three, and especially about 4,000.

So basically, I'm going into each one of these little cells, and...

Usually you make slight adjustments? Yeah.

You never want to make big adjustments.

That's how you blow motors up.

Logan, do you understand this stuff?

Not all, not a hundred percent of it, but yes.

Neither do I. I don't get it, how you guys know that.

OK, so do you... OK, what don't you understand, Maxx? What does the spark mean?

I explained to you like the compression stroke, right?

No, like, just everything.

Like how many... Everything? Everything about it.

Is everybody buckled in? I'm buckled.

Yeah, I am. Dad, I only get like one of those words you just said.

I was like, "What's spark?"

You'll learn, Maxx, you'll learn. Hold on to it.

I'm really, really fortunate to have three amazing boys.

I told them about being a girl when they were two, four, and six.

I'm a very big believer in honesty and openness, so I didn't feel it was right to keep it from them.

The hair says no. The hair says no.

Oh, no.

Hey, that's not fair.

Good job.

Pull the pants. O, get... Hold on.

We got speed.

Argh! Yeah!

No rematch. We're done. No rematch.

Alright.

I might try that on and see how that's gonna look.

Actually, I might give that a try too.

Oh... We'll see.

Nah, it's a little bit burly. Don't think I really like the way it hangs on my body.

Think I wanna go with the other shirt, actually.

Yes, that should work for the white theme and... And wear these boots with them.

Just a little more dramatic and the makeup and hair... it should be fun.

Clothes aren't designed very well for me and especially, being as big as I am.

So we go through the same thing, like when a girl starts playing with makeup, when she's a teenager, how to best apply your makeup and what clothes work with your body and what doesn't.

Whose water is this? Is this you guys' water?

Huh? Yeah, it's mine.

Shoot, it's out.

Oh! Aaron Black. No, no. Dude, I'm not gonna play with you.

Dude, Aaron Black is like cheating. Yes.

He just shoots you with the gun in broad light.

Dude, no. Don't Aaron Black. That's so mean.

People can say whatever, but the only thing that do frustrate me is when they talk about like, you know, "what a terrible parent, how...

You know, horrible that is. How can you do that to your boys" and stuff like that.

It's like, "You know what? Screw you guys. You have no idea what our life is like."

It's just that assumption that it's... you know, that it's somehow a horrible thing and somehow it's difficult for them.

But really, it's been a good thing because it's allowed them realize, grow up realizing that not everybody's the same and that's OK.

And you're happier, which is great too.

I don't know, I just thought you were like holding back and stuff.

Well, yeah, because I didn't want you guys to have to deal with a lot of BS.

Who cares about what other people say or, you know, tell you can't do this or that.

I think what it really all boils down to, if you want to do something, go and do it.

You're the only person holding yourself back.

That's what you really taught me.

I cannot think of a single person, I respect more than my father.

Saying there's really nobody, right? I really can't.

Thanks, guys.

Made me cry. Ruin my makeup.

Good thing, I haven't done my eyes yet.

How long have you been doing makeup for?

I started really, like, When your mom and I split.

I had a talk with her and, uhm, said, like, "Look, I have to deal with this. I can't do this anymore."

As far as she would come, is that: "Just do it, when I'm not home, the boys aren't home, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to talk about it." And I was like, Yeah, I don't know if that's gonna work, but...

So, that's basically one of the reasons we split up.

Pizza and makeup, huh? Our new Friday nights?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not even cool.

Wait, Garret, can I test out my move now?

All right guys, don't be up too late, alright?

Guys, just the perfect timing. Are you leaving?

U-hum, hang on one second, I got to put my boots on first.

Mom. Mom?

Don't drink too much.

Don't drink too much?

What fun is that?

At least it's nice out.


I'll get your first round, OK? What's up, dude?

I'll give you your first round.

OK, thank you. Appreciate it.

Full-size glass. Thanks.

You're a rock-star.

Like I said, that bartender back there, he totally like...

I'll take it, whatever.

Going out as a transgender woman and not, you know, passing as a genetic female, it's tough, it's hard.

You know, and I think, gosh, can I really pull this off?

You know, is it really gonna work?

Am I gonna to have peace? Am I gonna to feel whole? Am I gonna to feel complete?

Am I gonna be able to, you now, function in society the way I want to? Is this for real?

Hey. Good. How are you? How are you? Good to see you.

Follow me this way. All right. Thanks.

Are you guys ready to order or you just want to see the menu?

No. Did you need a minute?

No, I'm good. I'm just gonna do a Chef's salad.

Large Chef's salad. Uhm, how big are the smalls?

A small is small. You know you don't want no small.

All right. Large. Do large.

As usual.

Great. Thank you.

Thanks.

A small? Yes, right.

When do I order small anything, right?

Chef's salad. Thank you.

I've got French Fries for you. Thank you.

Bacon and cheese.

I will be right back with your vinegar and oil.

Alright. Awesome. Thank you.

So, we're going up north tomorrow, and my mom's meeting Janae for the first time.

Oh, my God. No, but I'm saying like, this is your first time meeting your mom as Janae.

I said: "Look, mom, I understood, like, that you don't understand and that you had a hard time with it, I get all that."

I said: "But what I don't get it's been 10 years, and you haven't even tried."

We can't even have a conversation about it.

As soon as I start talking about it, you change your topic."

So, you know, she's had every opportunity in the world.

So, you know, it's her own fault.

It's so true.

Hello. Hey. How's it's going?

What's up?

Oh, I just let you know, like give you the time, I'll probably leave here in about 45 minutes or so. So probably around 11...

OK.

OK. Then I'll probably be there around 1:00.

It's what I'm thinking. Are you going to your dad?

Yeah. I'm gonna visit you first and go visit him.

Yeah. - Oh. Fine. That'll be fine.

Alright. So, you're ready for this?

I have no choice. Do I?

Well, I've given you 10 years.

I'm hoping that you're ready now.

I don't know. We'll see.. You'll be fine.

Yes. Sure. That's easy for you to say.

You think it's easy for me? Don't you think it's harder for me than you?

No. No?

For you it's so natural.

Yeah.

As a guy, I hear from women all the time they love my voice.

It's naturally deep. As a girl, it makes me very uncomfortable, and...

It's like my female voice leaves a lot to be desired.

The vocal surgery, it had to be something, well...

I'm 100% ready to give up my guy side.

You know, it's one of those things that I can't do, or I won't do unless I was ready to completely transition.

I would be much more comfortable having bottom surgery and still living in both genders.

The fact that whether I have a penis or vagina isn't that big of a deal to me.

That really has more to do with who I'm with.

But the vocal surgery, once you got a female voice, there's no going back.


He's here.

Hi, honey. Hi, nice to see you.

It's not a big deal, is it? No.

But, uhm... I still like my man.

Well, for now, they're still both of me are still around, but I can't tell you that it'll stay that way or not.

And I guess I'm not as shocked about you because the ones I see on TV.

I mean, they look like a man trying to be a woman. There's nothing...

It doesn't matter, it's-- No, but I mean, they don't--

It's not your body. It's how you feel.

Would you think that wasn't his hair? Matt's hair?

Huh?

Which-- look. Janae's hair?

Or her hair? Would you think that was her hair?

No.

No. You would think it is.

Looks natural, right? Yeah.

I didn't know. It looks natural.

And it's not.

When Matt first called me, for a while, I grieved.

I actually... I couldn't sort my feelings.

I thought, "Why in hell?" I'm... But it was almost like Matt died.

I talked to my middle son and he said the same thing.

He said, "I love Matt. I don't know this Janae.

Matt is my buddy, my brother.

We grew up, we did the guy things." You know...

And, uhm... it's hard, you grieve, you hate it, you hide it.

You don't want to talk about it.

Living in this area, people say, "How's Matt doing?"

I say: "Just fine." That's all I say. I don't talk about it.

But as a mother, it's the hardest thing I dealt with.

It's like a death.

And people will say: "No, it's not."

To me, it is. I grieved, you cry, but it comes down to... it's your child.

You can love him, walk away or... I'm not walking away.

Having to convert back to Matt, sometimes it's like depressing, a little bit.

I really don't like my face.

I feel a lot better with the makeup and wig on.

When I'm going around as Janae, I mean, I'm conscious of how I sound, but it's not like I make an effort.

It's not like... I mean, a little bit with a pitch but the way I talk and you'll notice my manners, I'm changed to a certain degree.

And just the way I form my sentences and the intonation behind my voice.

That just all happens.

Hello? Hey, what's up, old man?

Hello, Matt. Where are you at?

At mom's, leaving mom's right now. I'll be there in about 10 minutes.

Oh, OK.

Last time I saw mom. When I saw you when you were camping by the river last summer. And then... Yeah.

You should've come up when the UP was up there.

Yes, I just didn't have time.

You know, when you do get busy, you got to get stuff done, you know.

But... But if you go up there again, if you do head up there this summer, let me know. I'll bring the boys.

I was glad to see Matt succeed at what he'd been doing all his life.

And, I mean, he worked hard at it. And...

Neither me or my wife, you know, ever dreamed that, you know, he'd get as far as he did.

I'd see him stick with it.

You know.

Yeah, well, things are going down a different path now.

Well, you're 40 what now? Three.

43.

Yeah, my competitive days are pretty much over now.

It's just between age being a factor and then, you know, the transgender stuff.

Can't figure-- That's my hope, you change your mind about it before it's too late.

You know, It's not a matter of changing the minds, you know.

You can't change your way.

You'll wind up like Bruce Jenner... with severe depression.

Don't believe everything... That happens a lot.

Oh, sure it does. It's not an easy life.

You know, it's changing and... Well, you better be sure.

That's all I got to say 'cause you can't go back.

And if you show up here with your long hair and boobs, I'm going the other way.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah? What if it does happen?

Better not. Yeah.

You want to see me freak? I've seen one picture, got freaked on that.

Whatever you call yourself.

This is, uhm, where I grew up at.

Oh, yeah, the secret basement back here.

You'd flip up a door and there was a ladder down into it and for a while, it was my dad's pot-growing house.

We weren't allowed down there. We were told there was dangerous chemicals.

We just didn't know they were THC.

This big oak back here, I built a tree fort in.

Some of the boards are still hanging in the tree.

Down here, there's a big sand hill.

I used to sprint up and down this.

With a... I used to carry a big log on my back, and I'd run up and down this hill.

This is where we came to fish in the spring and in the fall and I learned how to swim in the river and almost died in the river.

I almost drowned there when I was eight.

Fell into a drop-off and with the current, I remember falling through the water and seeing the sunlight disappear.

Seeing everything turn green and then seeing everything turn black.

There are times when I wanted to get away and I wanted quiet and peace, this is where I'd come.

I would just sit there on the bank and look into the water.

Yeah, it's crazy actually, how much this looks exactly the same.

These are my fishing stuff from the spring.

Hey! Hey you. Oh, my God.

It's so good to see you. How are you?

Oh, my God, it's so awesome to see you guys.

I can't believe it. It's been a couple of years, right?

Two years. Since Vegas, right?

Yes, two years since Vegas.

Crazy. Look a little different.

You look good. I love it.

Oh, thanks.

I'm still fairly muscular. Like, my God.

Yah, a tiny bit. I still see you very feminine.

Well, thank you. I'm working on it, I'm trying.

Still it's killing me, I really want to get my waist really small and I'm having a hell of a time.

Estrogen and that goes on so easy. It's like, argh!

Cheers. It's lovely, lovely to see you. Thank you. Yes.

I have a billion questions, but I've none at the same time. You know what I mean?

I still... I still would like to have a little facial surgery done, but I'm not...

Like, I'm kind of hesitant to do it because...

I like how I look now, uhm, but I would still like to look more feminine.

'Cause, like, I feel like with makeup and stuff I look okay, but without any makeup or anything, I think I still look very masculine, so...

Just being smaller all together has made a difference and then just the estrogen and not tons of testosterone, and...

Do you find you need to see someone to kind of guide you?

Like would you see a counselor or anybody?

I did a lot of therapy stuff when I was first dealing with everything.

For me, it was really no... more helpful than just talking to one of my friends.

Just someone I could bounce stuff off of.

I don't know, like... My sexual, I'm still...

It's difficult because I'm still primarily attracted to women, always have been, still am.

It's just once you get to the bedroom then it's like, "Okay, how do things work now?" That's the tricky part.

OK, so, the two options for tonight...

This one actually, for whatever reason, my body looks more feminine in this one.

It's supposed to throw the waist shaper thing on.

I could throw the top on right here and then I'll change the pants.

OK, sorry I got to throw some money at you, one sec.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. I don't have no $5 bills.

I'm fatter and smaller than I used to be, so...

Alright, the favorite shirt.

Yeah. Here we go.

It's been pre-selected.

Yeah, like I said, like I love this shirt. I absolutely love it.

I love the design, I think it's really cool and everything, but...

I don't think it makes you look wider or bigger.

You don't think so? No.

Woo-hoo!

Like the white? OK, the ass.

It's not bad. It's not bad at all.

What are you talking about? Seriously?

They're shaped.

I do have a big butt, everybody said that.

Ugh, I don't know if I'm up to 170s.

Maybe drop her down to 150s.

I'll take those for a ride.

Fucking 150s.

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go!

Good, come on.

Push, push!

Nice job.

Come on Drew, let's go.

Easy weight for you, buddy.

Let's go.

Come on, Drew, let's go. Let's go, Drew.

Get out to this shit. Come on!

Alright, Drew, let's go.

Come on, sit nice and tight.

Don't be a pussy.

Get up, up, up. Easy.

Let's go.

Fucking pussy weight.

Let's go, bitch.

Let's go, man, come on.

Good. Come on, Matt. Let's go, let's go. Push! Good job.

I'll be damned. Good job.

It's not bad for being a weak little bitch.

This shit right here is why I can't give up my guy side. You know, it's...

Loving this stuff and hanging out with these guys.

You know, this is the kind of shit that I still live for too, you know.

So, it makes it... It makes it hard, but...

These guys have seen me go back and forth, probably more times than they can count.

I think there'll always be too much Matt for Janae to be a...

And being a woman. If you want to say a stereotype woman.

The... the 120 pounds.

That'll never happen. That... That...

Not because, to be honest-- He couldn't do it.

He couldn't do it because this guy, his fuck-- his mentality, he can do whatever he wants to do, but he wouldn't be happy.

I don't think he can do it. I don't think you can go to 200 again.

I think you're probably right. That's what I'm trying to say so...

Whether it's Janae or Matt, fitness is number one.

Always gonna be number one in the family.

But fitness, he'll never allow himself to get that small again.

I was like, "Fuck that. I won't be 275 again."

But these guys are, you know, my very best friends and it is, it's like brothers. I mean, I count on these guys for anything, and...

Fuck, I get choked up.

I count on these guys for anything, and...

The way it should be.

It doesn't matter, I mean, it doesn't matter if I'm... Even with the transition stuff.

It's just, you know... Yeah.

You know, they are, they're like brothers, really.


Right now, there's just this feeling of being pulled between two worlds and this, you know, complete frustration and how am I ever gonna find peace and balance, and...

And at this point, I really think the honest answer is, I won't.


Being told that my hair loss is beyond the point where I can actually grow it out, that was devastating to hear because putting a wig on for me feels like costume, it feels like dress up, it feels like pretending.

This conference sounds like it's gonna be...

It's a little bit of a cluster.

Fortunately, I've been doing this stuff for years.

I've run meets, spotted, loaded, judged.

I've done pretty much everything you can do with all the powerlifting stuff for a long time.

I don't think anybody there really has any experience with it.

They didn't really know what they're getting into.

Fortunately, there's not a ton of competitors, so we should pull it off okay.

This event is specifically for transgender competitors.

I'll be kind of, you know, basically helping them run the competition, judge, and probably be a Jill of all trades tomorrow, so...

Alright. Ready, guys?

That crease has to break the top of the knee and that constitutes being low enough and a good lift.

So if you come out of the hole and maybe come up a little bit, maybe starting to lose your balance, go down a little and start to come back up.

I'm just gonna have the spotters take it because the lifts are already no good.

Any questions at all from anyone before we get started?

Alright. Good luck to everybody.

Alright.

Squat.

Up, up, up. Rack.

All right. The next lifter is Ryan Bird, 285.

285, that's gonna be a 25 and a 5 on each side.

25 and a 5.

Squat. Ease out, ease out, ease out.

Up, up, up. Fight it, fight it, fight it.

Take it, take it, take it.

Ouch! Close. Good try.

All right. Good job on the squats, everyone. That's a great lift.

That was awesome.

Thanks.

I have never seen a transwoman nearly as built as you and I think it's incredible.

Like I was mesmerized by you.

Oh, thank you, that's very flattering.

Are you going to Transformers tomorrow?

I didn't know there was one. See, I didn't know about like all that stuff, and...

If you don't mind, how long have you started transitioning?

That's a tough question.

I've started this transition like eight times the last 10 years, but what it is, there's parts about my male personality, my male side that I'm not sure I want to completely give up.

There's definitely aspects of that personality.

I actually felt like I lost some of that and I've done a lot of soul searching since my divorce.

I've tried to recover some of that, and I do feel that you can because I feel like I have come so far back to where...

It's almost like I took who I used to be and who I kept trying to become.

It's a lot of work and a l...

Phew! Most of the time, you know? Yeah. Sure.

You're a transwoman?

Is this your first parade? Yes.

Mine too, actually. Is it?

Yes. Alright.

So, we're both first-timers.

Yes.

We going in San Diego last week, they stopped the whole intersection.

Oh, my gosh, how many people were in that?

It's about 300. Wow.

It's a dub thing that we did.

Any excuse to go to San Diego, you know.

You always got a place now.

I definitely might take you up on that.

Seriously.

And the same thing, if you're ever like seriously, well, I don't know why you would want to come to Michigan, but if you ever do...

Yes, here we go. Oh, look, jeez.

For all your sins...

And nothing will save you!

Oh, you have corrupted your souls!

Hypocrite!

Sad.

Ready to pump some kilos.

Come on, Jessica.

Yes, beautiful.

This is good.

Good job then, guys. It's a nice pull.

Fantastic.

Any big names competing today or...? Not today.

No, like you have a local meet? Yes.

Yeah, it's like I figured.

A huge fan, by the way, man. Oh, thanks, man. Appreciate it.

Awesome. You look awesome.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Unbelievable what you're doing.

Do you still compete, though?

No, I mean, I'm still training and everything, like...

I tried walking away from it, realized this is too much of who I am.

No, I can't do it, man, never. Will you compete as a woman?

Ah, you know, it's a big controversy right now, and uhm...

Especially for a guy like you, a guy I look up to.

You were the guy that I was like fucking mad rock and stuff.

I hate to ask. Can I take a picture with you?

No, of course.

I never ever do this.

No, no, I'm totally cool.

Thank again, man. Nice meeting you.

Absolutely. Thanks.


Being always, you know, drawn to the strength world and muscle and all that, we're very conscious of your body and how people perceive you.

Most of us are very insecure about how we look.

Girls that, you know, by most standards, would be considered the most fit and most attractive among all the women in the world you know, have very poor self-esteem and aren't happy with their bodies at all, and the same thing with the men.

This is only five pounds more than you did. You did the last one easy.

I'm telling you, you got to get psyched up.

Come on here, close your eyes.

Ready? Come on.

Ready? Come on, come on.

That is slightly more. Yes, it does.

Come on, get angry. Come on.

Pretend Garret just turned off your dark soul.

Down up, let's go.

Go. Get it. Oh...

That's close. I almost got it that time.

Totally, you should have went for the slab.

You would have got it with the slab.

Garret, do you want to squat me on this one? Yes.

Motherfucker.

One... two... three.

Heck, I might have done more than that. Yeah, it was easy.

Damn!

That makes you want to gain more weight.

I'm taking the other one.

It's hard because I'm training with the guys, then trying to do a girl thing, but...

There's no other women in the world walking around with 240 pounds of muscle, I mean, 245 or whatever.

And I get that, but...

At least for now, I can cope with being a big muscular woman a lot better than I can cope with being a small weak guy.

If I walk into, you know, a place of business as a 250-pound woman, yeah, everyone is gonna look.

People are gonna treat me awkward. It's gonna make situations awkward.

I'm not gonna get treated as well, but that's part of the sacrifice, part of the things I have to accept to be myself.

All right, ready. You big man.

Let's go for break.

Maxx, let me go, I haven't gone yet. Woo-hoo.

Isn't it fun?

Every time we canoe, he's like this.

He likes to play.

I wasn't ready to go.

He's never, you know... He's always been in any kind of sport, always playing with the big boys, you know, play ball.

You know, everything they've done when they were kids, everything I've ever done with them, you know, it's always been the macho shit, you know.

It's a total shock to me.

I still don't believe it.

I don't really agree with it, but...

It's what he wants to do, I can't talk him out of it.

That's his decision, well, not much I can do about it.

I don't, like I said, I don't think it's right.

He's not gonna listen to me.

# You all loved him once and not without cause #

# He fetch you through the winter, he led you through the fog #

# You hid behind his body to be sheltered from the mob #

# You all loved him once and not without cause #

# You all loved him once when his glory was unmatched #

# You signal when to celebrate was the bugle of his laugh, #

# Oh, when it came time to stand with him You scattered with the rats #

# You all loved him once that time has passed #

# You all loved him once, not without cause #

# You all loved him once, now he is gone #

Hi. Hey, how are you?

Good, how are you? Good, good.

Alright. I just want to get a little more.

OK. It went down but from going too long, like, when it fully came back, we're definitely gonna need more to get it back down.

OK, well, it looks good, but I see what you're saying.

It's nice and balanced.

It's nice and even, but there is just still, like if I clench, there's still... Still a lot of muscle there.

Alright, well, let's do that.

Alright, awesome.

Do it again.


Come on, let's go. Finish it.

Come on, lightweight.

One extra set and I'm already sweating.

That seemed way too hard for you, so I'm gonna go 90s and down.

Right now, I walk into a gym as Kroc and everyone wants to be my friend, you know, and then I walk around like this and it's stares, and...

Because as Kroc, the stares were a positive to you.

Yeah, it's like... It's more... now you're more worried about passing as just a woman necessarily.

But, you know, to be honest, you probably make other people feel inferior, not in any other aspect except for the actual size and strength, regardless of you being a woman.

Yeah, I mean, that could be true too. I'm sure there's guys, you know, Guys ted to everybody sizes themselves up against other people.

It's really hard to size themselves up against a woman.

Here's the thing, the day I can really look in the mirror and all I see is Janae and there is nothing else, is probably going to be the most amazing day of my life.

I know that, but it's just...

I want my boys to be able to be proud of me.

And I might get choked up if I start talking about this.

The boys are your... I don't want to call it an excuse because it's not an excuse, it's not fair to just calling it an excuse because that's something that you're really going to have to deal with and I understand the worry for that, but it is slowing you down and so...

Let's say, you wait five years, and then five years comes running out, "Oh, well, you know, this just isn't the right time," push it back, and before you know it, you're gonna be, you know, 60 years old and there's not... At that point, what are you gonna do? But I think if you can look at yourself in the mirror right now and say that powerlifting is the only thing that makes you special or different, there's something seriously wrong with your head.

So, I hate that you think that way.

And I know you think that way and that's why it's easy to retreat to it, because you know that if all else fails, you're Matt Kroc.

Yeah.


I mean, I think like... You know, doing the two-gender thing makes life really difficult bouncing back and forth.

I mean, I know I'm not gonna have peace with this until I fully transition.

And, you know, now, I've been living as a woman every day for a while, and, uhm, even being as big as I am, it just, you know, it is what it is.

One of the big reasons for the trip is the consults for the facial surgery, but at the same time, you know, connecting with a bunch of my friends that are out here.

It's always nice to meet people and share experiences, especially people that, you know, have so much struggles.

Hey. I love you.

It's good to see you.

This is gonna be a lot of fun. Yeah.

Fuck.

Let's go. Let's go.

Fuck!

Fuck! Come on. Down up.

There you go. Down up. Big air.

There you go. Come on, come on! Tight, tight, tight.

Get up. Come on. Get up. Yes, there it is.

Nice job, and you're in.

Come on, fucker.

Get that shit tight and let's go.

Don't be a fucking bitch.

Come on. Wake the fuck up. Let's go.

There you go. Get fucking mad.

I want to see this weight move. Let's go.

Lightweight, come on. Stand up now, let's go.

Straight pickup. All legs on that pickup.

Good. Big air.

Lock in your fucking air. Let's go.

Look up. Look up. Come on.

Fuck, yeah.

Hell fucking yeah.

Woo-hoo! Atta, girl.

Fuck yeah!

It fucking feels good, don't it?

Yeah, first time in a while.

Hey, good to see you. Glad you made it.

There was the rain. Out of all the times of the year you come, it always has to rain.

I know, what's up with that? Hey, welcome. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Oh, you guys haven't actually met before, have you?

No. No.

Alright, awesome, awesome.

Nice even grip, butt down, head up.

There you go. Now, explode up.

Good. Actually, let's do another one.

Slack out, explode up.

Perfect, good.

One more.

Now, head up, explode.

Good job.

Look at that, tripled it. No problem.

A lot of the fears I had that were holding me back from transition weren't legitimate fears, and I've come to realize that.

When I do, it's like when I was doing it, I was... I was scared that I was always gonna lose Paula.

Right. So, you know, like...

That was a big part of me.

Yeah, that identity, that part of you.

Do you feel like you're gonna forget that?

That's what I was afraid of, like.. and not so much, you know, quote-unquote, mad, but...

Like, the powerlifter, the person that I built so much around, and the things I enjoy, the things I did, and the things I was successful with, I was afraid of losing that. But like today, like training, you know, with you and Gracie, I realize like, "No, I'm still gonna do all that stuff and that's still gonna be a big part of who I am."

Uhm, you know, It might change somewhat.

I'm at the point right now like I feel like I'm getting like that in-between stage, you know.

You feel like me when I shave my face, I'm like, "Oh, God, I can still see female parts of you."

That's why I don't like shaving my face because like even when I go to bed, I know, I see my scars and when I take a shower or...

You know, even to the point like I still shave my body, like that brings back memories of being a female.

Then I think, you know, I don't have lower surgeries, so I do get reminded, unfortunately.

Yeah, I do the whole talk and look in the mirror like, "What's she gonna look like?"

All the time, man. When I take a dildo and I'm like, "I wish I had this size."

Or you know, if I did have an erect dick, is this what it would look like?"

I get it, I get you.

Pleasure meeting you. Nice to meet you.

How are you doing today?

I'm doing very well. How about you?

Very good, thank you.

So, last name is Kroczaleski. Yes.

May I refer to you as Janae.

Yes, it's my legal name.

Janae, 43 years old, pharmacist.

Mhm. Excellent.

You've had a lot of repair work in your arms and tendons and...

From competing, yes.

Are you open to suggestions?

Yes, open to anything you think would be beneficial.

In general, you want the outer one-third of the brow to be at the peak, so it's right here. OK, got you.

Just a little bit.

We don't want your brows up here, okay?

Right, look surprised all the time.

No surprise look, OK, I don't do that.

So, we will reduce this, bring the lip up a little bit.

Give it a little bit more fullness in a forward manner, and then do the genioplasty jaw reduction, and finally a neck lift, OK?

So, would this make you happy if we do this? Yes.

That would make me very happy. OK.

Hey. What's going on?

Good to see you. Yes, good to have you back.

Hug, handshake, what we got going on here. Both.

Looking good.

Trying, trying.

Lots of work to do but...

Getting there.

Still got a lot of muscle on you.

Looking a little bit different now.

It's so weird to see facial hair, ugh.

Like, yeah, it's uncomfortable. I wanted to...

My mother in law, she's like, "This is my favorite one."

And then I had you in the gym last year and she's like...

"Is that the same guy that I said is my favorite one?" I said "Yeah."

She's like, "Damn," so she say, "We lost a good one," she said.

I appreciate that, you can tell her. We lost a good one.

Yeah, so I'm still in that process.

You take like an estrogen supplement?

Yes, estrogen basically. Estradiol.

Are you still doing performance-enhancing drugs as well?

No, like I stopped all the testosterone and all that stuff. And then...

Because with steroid you fight each other.

No, I'll never take testosterone again ever.

And then the last time you were here too when I picked you up, I think I drove you to your hotel as Matt.

Is Matt still around?

No, Matt has seen his last days, you know.

Hey, Garrett, can you bring me my purse, please?

Yes.

Thanks, man.

Thank you. What's up?

I left my one eyeliner in there.

What actually are you gonna do with your face? I don't know, really.

You didn't tell us much about it.

It's gonna be some nose or something?

I don't really know.

No, like everything.

Like what? I don't get it exactly.

Okay, so the big things like my jaw and forehead need to be done.

And what they do-- - What are they gonna do to it?

OK, so, like... With males, like you know, you have brow bossing in the ridge and the forehead tends to slant backwards and be flatter versus more convex and more vertical.

And so basically, what they're gonna do is they're gonna smooth-- I don't have a lot of brow-bossing, but they're going to smooth out this part.

He's gonna cut a big chunk out of the center of my forehead, reshape it, and put it back in, and then my jaw actually.

What's wrong with your jaw? You just don't like it?

It's too square, too wide, too...

It extends too far as well. I have a square jaw actually.

For guys, that's a good thing, you know, but, uh, typically.

Yeah, I just feel like this one just really, it's kinda, it says me, you know.

Fits my personality, the lifter, you know, the lifter chick.

Athletic. Yeah, it's kind of badass. You know.

Are you guys ready to go? I'm ready.

I'll put on my little sweatshirt.

Dude, one of us is definitely gonna buy that.

Like Maxx.

It's a little frozen.

I'm gonna try to walk across.

Oh, double headshots.

Logan, frisbee.

See, right here, you can try to get across.

Maxx, go all the way up there.

I bet you it's solid, Maxx, try it.

Most moms would not let you play on the ice and encourage you to jump that way.

Hey!

I have a feeling this is gonna break right here.

Be ready to just stand on top.

I guess I'll just-- Oh, Jeez!

Garret fell.

I got it for you, mom.

Test it, Maxx. Test it a little. I'm not gonna buy it.

I'm totally with you.

There he goes. No.

Oh, come on.

Geez. No, I definitely won't.

Oh, close range.

You know, the bond I have with them is, I mean, is the result of a lot of effort, a lot of time, and... But it's something that was always there from-- from the day they were born.

And, uhm, if I never transition to try to protect them from it, what am I teaching them? That it's more important to conform to what other people expect than to be true to yourself? I think that's a horrible lesson.

Alright, everybody close together. Logan, your head should be over here.

This is gonna be a great picture. Alright, ready?

To try to be a positive role model for them is hugely important to me.

It matters more than anything and I just really hope I'm doing that.

One, two, three.

I really feel like this is the best surgeon in the world for this procedure.

This is the first thing I'm doing that is locking me into one gender.

The examination will start, so we will start the recording.

In normal voice, alright.

When the sunlight strikes raindrops in the air, they act as a prism and form a rainbow.

The rainbow is a division of white light into many beautiful colors.

Now, my training voice.

There is, according to legend, a boiling pot of gold at one end.

People look, but no one ever finds it.

When a man looks for something beyond his reach, his friends say he's looking for the pot of gold--

Chin up. Have your chin up.

Keep on breathing through your mouth and say haaa.

Haaa.

OK, OK.

Janae.

What seems to be the problem?

I'm transitioning from male to female and voice is one of the biggest issues for me, and yeah, so...

Let me show you a surgical procedure, our surgical procedure.

We shorten these portions, so this is new vocal cord.

So we change your vocal cord more shorter, thinner and tighter.

Tomorrow morning we start the surgery maybe 9:00 a.m.

OK. You should be here 8:00 a.m.

8:00 a.m. okay.


These are life-saving procedures and that's what people don't understand.

This is like a huge thing for me.

I look forward to a point when people understand, when everyone understands and the whole idea that people would have to live in fear the way they do now would be absurd.

It's just-- I don't want anyone to have to go through what I've gone through and struggle with this for so many years to where you get to a point where people can just be themselves, you know, no matter what it is, and no one will think anything of that.

The things I do and the way I live my life, if that stops even one kid... from committing suicide or...

You know, one family from disowning their child, then... any sacrifices I have to make are well worth it, you know.


I'm just really looking forward to not having to do the back and forth and just be able to focus on moving forward, and just enjoying my life and being comfortable in the skin I'm in.

It's just something I've never known.


Good morning everyone.

I know you guys have been waiting very patiently to hear what my new voice sounds like, so here it is.

I've been talking for about a month now and after two months of no talking which was brutal.

At first, it was a little hoarse and scratchy but it's getting smoother and higher in pitch every day.

My surgeon said it will continue to increase in pitch for up to a year.

For where I'm at right now, I'm really happy with the results and, uhm, excited about where I think it will end up at.

And uhm, I just wanted to say you know, thank all you guys that follow me and support me, it really does mean a lot.

And, uhm, I hope everyone's having a wonderful day and I'll talk to you all soon.

Thanks, bye.

Hoarse and scratchy but it's getting smoother and higher in pitch every day.

With every surgical procedure that I'm gonna need, it's gonna be about $100,000.

And this is money I've been saving for years, and trying to put aside, and, you know, and still take care of all my other financial responsibilities.

I'm worried about losing my car, losing my house.

You know, how am I gonna take care of my boys?

But...

Yeah, you know, it's tough, and... and...

Then I'm also concerned that it's gonna be difficult finding another job.

You know, interviewing being openly transgender is really tough.

If I am still what everyone thought I was before, if I was this 270-pound muscular white male, these things would definitely not be happening by any structure of the imagination.

I did everything I could and put it off for as long as possible.

This is never anything I wanted or asked for.

I've been through cancer, you know, I've been through the Marines, I've grew up poor like...

I don't want it to sound like the worse, there's people out there that have had a lot harder than me, but this is way more difficult than any of that stuff, way more difficult.

I had a good career, a beautiful wife, you know, I was a champion athlete.

I was on the cover of magazines.

Yeah, I knew that there was a good chance I'd be losing all that.

Hey. All right, see you guys on the flip side.

Nighty night.

Here he comes.

What are you gonna do? You know, you can't go on hiding who you are.

You know there's gonna be sacrifices, but there is really not a choice.


You know, for a lot of transgender people, you know, it does end for the most part when they transition.

What people talk about like, looking back over their previous life and it feels like an entirely different person.

Like a story they read and not something actually lived, but for me, I don't think that story has an ending.

Make the best of a very complicated situation and be as happy as I can be, but there is no solution.

There's no answer.