I will always try my best to be honest and fair, to be helpful and friendly, to be a good citizen, a good neighbor, a good friend, and a sister to every Wilderness Girl.
Girls, about face!
The first order of business is the Beverly Hills troop.
Well, you know, they've never earned any patches.
They've never even sold a single cookie.
We all know they've had more leaders than a banana republic.
Their membership is down to only eight.
So it's agreed then.
We stop mollycoddling those little princesses, and we flush that troop down the old proverbial dumper.
Now, Velda, as long as they are girls who want to belong, it's our job to see that they're not denied the privilege.
Let's give them one last chance.
Now, about a new leader, I understand we have an applicant.
Herman. File, file.
Yes, sir... Ma'am.
Name, Phyllis Nefler.
Says here "not applicable."
Marital status, "shaky?
Interests, "community affairs."
Dr. Jerry Honigman is definitely boffing the blond and the English tutor.
Is that the one with the tummy tuck?
And the daughter.
This one and this one.
Out. I'll take the rest.
Prides herself on being honest, resourceful, and thrifty.
How much? -$5,600.
You know, it's missing a bead.
I can let you have it for $5,000.
I'll take it. Great.
She loves animals.
I'm gonna kiss you.
I'm gonna kiss you, froggy, and turn you into a handsome prince.
This woman sounds like she's got Wilderness Girl written all over her.
Hey, your hat is fabulous Mrs. Nefler.
Thank you. So is yours. Hey, thanks.
Keep talking, honey, so I can move toward the sound of your voice.
Here I am. Yeah, come... Keep... I'm here.
Come. Come. I got it. I got it.
I started my new meaningful life today, and I bought a whole new meaningful wardrobe to go with it.
I can hardly wait to see the look on Freddy's face when he gets the bill.
And you know the beauty of it?
He won't even the get the bill until after we're divorced.
Have your fun now, Phyllis, 'cause after the divorce is final, you're going to be shopping at Pick 'n Save.
What are you doing here?
Before we were separated, you were never around.
You're supposed to be in the guesthouse.
Everything north of the lawn jockey is mine.
Come on. I can come here anytime I want to.
Yeah. It's still my house, you know.
And right now, I am gonna go upstairs, I'm gonna get my barbell, and I'm gonna get the rest of my clothes.
Touch anything in this house, and I'll call my lawyer.
I can touch anything I want.
I paid for it all.
Now isn't that a mature approach to a relationship?
Freddy, did it ever occur to you that marriage is a partnership?
Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
I earn the money, and my partner, she spends it.
Typical, that is so typical.
And don't you mock me while I'm talking to you!
You never acknowledge my contribution to this marriage.
Your contribution? Yes!
Phyllis, if you contributed any more to this marriage, we would be on welfare!
Hello, Hannah. You remember your father, the Big Bad Wolf?
Hi, Peaches. Hi, Daddy.
What are you picking up this time?
My dumbbells. Be my guest.
The fewer dumbbells in my life, the better.
I've got a great idea. Why don't you two just kiss and make up?
Then I won't end up in therapy twice a week like Tessa.
Honey, you're gonna be less neurotic if your parents are happily divorced rather than unhappily married.
Thank you, Phil Donahue. I saw it on Oprah.
Cool it. You're acting so immature.
Mom, a lady called about an orientation meeting.
You are gonna go through with this, aren't you?
Of course, I am.
Go through with what?
Just a little mother-daughter bonding thing.
Mom's going to be our new troop leader.
What's so funny?
Well, I mean, it's hysterical.
You don't have any skills. You hate the outdoors.
Besides, you never finished anything you ever started.
What about the PTA? You quit!
Well, that was just because it conflicted with Save the Whales.
Then what happened?
Well, I thought Hands Across America was more important.
Well, I rest my case!
You'll be lucky if you last a couple of weeks.
I'm going to be a great Troop Leader.
And I'll be spending more time with Hannah.
What? And neglect Rodeo Drive?
Don't criticize my mothering, Mr. Workaholic.
You're hardly father of the year.
Rosa, will you stop crying?
Who's getting the divorce here, you or me?
I don't want you two to split up.
See, there, I told you not to mention divorce in front of Rosa.
She's helping me pack!
What's happened to us, Fred?
What's this really about?
Is there another woman?
Well, yeah, there is.
A girl I met a long, long time ago.
Bright, caring, loving, funny.
It was you.
You had such potential, such energy. You were so creative.
I couldn't wait to see what you'd do with it.
See, now, I know what you did with it.
You went shopping!
Hey, I went shopping, buster, to furnish your perfect house, to build your perfect image, to be your perfect, Beverly Hills wife!
And you think I've changed? How about you, Fred?
I coupon-clipped your way through law school, so you could make a difference in the world, not so you could be Nefler the Muffler Man!
Hey, those commercials were your idea.
And I didn't hear you complaining when you were spending the Muffler Man's money.
I mean, I know it's not a really important job, you know, like being a Wilderness Girl.
I don't expect you to understand how much this means to me, or to Hannah, or her little friends, who happen to need me.
Even if you don't.
You never give me an ounce of credit for anything I do.
That's because you never do anything!
Well, then, I guess I'm going to do something right now.
I'll help you pack.
Marlene, I'm on my way to the hospital now.
I'm stopping to drop Tiffany off at her troop meeting.
I have a nose job at 3:00, a lift at 5:00, and a boob job at 7:00, so you won't be able to reach me.
Daddy, do I have to go to this thing?
Tiff, you'll love it. - I'll hate it.
What'd you... Hold on a second, sweetie.
I said I'd give you 10 bucks. -It's not worth it.
-$20. No way.
$40, and that's my final offer.
I'll suffer through it.
What do you think?
It looks great.
Is the caviar too much?
Here comes Chica.
Chica Barnfell, our first arrival!
Do you remember me? Phyllis Nefler.
We met at your parents' home in Palms Springs when Fergie was in town?
What a lovely child.
Dad, why are we stopping here? The park is a block up.
I'm late for an appointment, honey. That's the actor's life, busy, busy.
You're going to unemployment, right?
Right. Anyway, you have a good time, okay?
Dad, I'm supposed to bring $10 for dues.
Emily, I forgot my wallet. Tell 'em you'll bring it next time.
I'll get something soon.
My agent says this nostalgia boom is going to make me a big star again.
You'll always be a star to me, Daddy.
I love you. I love you. Bye.
Good morning. You must be Lily.
Good morning, Dictator. Mrs. Dictator.
Good morning. Lovely to see you.
Bruce, I looked at the dailies.
I want to reshoot the ending. Set it up for today.
Today? 5,000 extras?
Redford? Fifteen helicopters?
Dad, you can't do it. Why not, Tessa?
You're $10 million over budget. Redford's on another project, and you blew up all the helicopters yesterday.
Daddy, my therapist would say you're definitely blocking reality.
What was it again, $30?
May I see your license and registration, please?
What's the problem, Officer?
You know how fast you were going back there?
Excuse me, Officer, don't you know who this man is?
Jasmine, honey. Jasmine, cool it.
You're too modest, Daddy.
Look, this here's the man who put the space in Spinks' teeth, the man who knocked the hair off Hagler's head.
He's the best. He's the greatest.
He's my dad, James "The Jackhammer" Shaker.
Now, Daddy, shake the man's hand, and let's be on our way.
How do you do, sir? Glad to meet you.
Could I get your autograph?
Not on that thing, you won't.
He pulled off her Halston gown, sighed lusciously at the sight of her Fernando Sénchez underthings, and...
And felt his manhood rising to a frenzy.
Felt his manhood rising to a pulsating frenzy.
Yeah, that's good. I love it.
Now, darling, what am I gonna tell your producer about you skipping rehearsals today?
Tell him I'm sick. Claire.
Come on, Mom. I'm not just a kid on TV. I'm one in real life.
I want to do something normal for a change, okay?
Normal with Phyllis running the show?
That's highly bloody unlikely.
Welcome. I'm Phyllis Nefler, mother of the lovely Hannah.
And, as you know, your new leader.
Now I know that we're gonna have a fabulous time because I can see that you're all special, unique, fabulous little people just raring to go.
She'll be just like all the others. She'll get bored with us, and she'll quit.
I'm new at this, but aren't you supposed to be wearing uniforms?
Sick, uniforms are sick.
They blur an individual's sense of self.
Besides, no one ever stayed around long enough to take us to the store.
Well, I may be a beginner at some things, but I've got a black belt in shopping.
Do they only come in khaki?
Yes. Now what sizes do you need?
Well, I need a French 36. -If you want that French stuff, you're gonna have to go to Frederick's of Hollywood.
Are you sure you're Wilderness Girls?
I'm not selling this shit for no masquerade parties.
How's it look?
I like it.
-It's great. -It's okay.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
-It's not that bad. Not that bad?
Except for the color's wrong, the collar's wrong, the material's a nightmare from hell.
It's cut badly, it itches, and it's not me.
But all of that can be fixed.
My god, darling, what is that?
I know. It's my Wilderness Girl uniform. What can you do with it?
You mean, besides burn it?
My name is Velda Plendor.
I'm a mother. I'm a widow. I'm an ex-Army nurse.
First and foremost, I am a Wilderness Girl, and I have the privilege of turning you civilians into troop leaders.
Now it's not easy. It's not going to be a picnic.
Not all of you are going to make it.
So if any of you little Betty Crockers out there think that you're just going to be teaching some little toddlers how to bake cuppie cakes, then you can leave now.
Perfect. Good. Good. Let 'em go.
Because when we're looking for new leaders, we're looking for a real no-nonsense woman.
A woman who can cope with anything.
A woman who doesn't make a ruckus...
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
But still can get the job done.
I'm so sorry.
Our goal is simple, to take young, vulnerable girls and turn them into strong, self-sufficient, young women.
And to attain that goal, the girls must earn achievement patches, sell cookies, and attend the annual Jamboree, which is a grueling test.
Are you drying your nails, or do you have a question?
No, they're fine. Yes?
You know, about the cookies, I know it's customary in order to raise funds to sell cookies door-to-door, and that's adorable.
But wouldn't it save time and a little shoe leather, if we just had a star-studded telethon?
Who are you? Johnny could host or Merv.
It'd be fabulous.
Who are you?
Phyllis Nefler, Troop Beverly Hills.
Shit. I should have known.
Do you know the Muffler Man the Muffler Man, the Muffler Man?
Do you know the Muffler Man? Nefler is his name Hi, Fred Nefler here for Neflefs Mufflers.
Boy, I'm telling you, We're a hard working crew, and look at the sick little baby we got in here today.
Now if your Pinto, Porsche, or whatever is sick, we don't discriminate here. We'll fix anything. We'll fix it right.
- I'm telling you... He's a shit, but he's a cute shit.
Hannah, wake up. Wake up, honey.
There's a woman going into the guesthouse.
Dark hair, long legs, big boobs?
Stringy hair, skinny legs, silicone boobs, but yes.
Don't worry, Mom. It's just Lisa, Dad's realtor.
She's trying to find him a condo.
At midnight? It must be a real hot listing.
Mom, can we spy on dad in the morning?
Spy? Excuse me, spy?
Your father's nocturnal activities are of absolutely no interest to me.
She's okay. That's good. Bye.
Watch the arms.
I think we'll be back before winter. It's only an overnight campout.
In the wilderness of life, we can never be too prepared.
Well, girls, are you ready to rough it?
What are we supposed to do now?
Well, we were supposed to set up the tents and stuff.
Yeah, but the Abbey Rents person already did that.
This is so boring. Someone should go ask her what we're supposed to do.
Well, let's all go.
We're above the fire line, and you shouldn't be smoking.
It's bad for you.
And it disguises nervous conditions which you should deal with in other ways.
Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires.
Smokey the Bear isn't going through a terribly messy divorce.
And voila', fondue alfresco.
And next, we're going to make espresso.
All right, all right, go in the tent. Go in the tent.
I'll save the dessert.
This is special.
I'm coming, girls! I've got the fondue!
All right, all right.
Look at your jacket. No.
Can we just quit now?
Not until we sing Kumbaya.
Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya Oh, Lord, kumbaya May I speak with Velda Plendor, please?
Well, will you take a message, please?
Will you tell her that Troop Leader Nefler called?
And her recommendation for a campsite was totally unsuitable.
There were no outlets, and there was dirt and bugs, and it rains there.
So anyway, we found a place that's much more us.
And if any of the other parents call, you'll tell them that we're at the Beverly Hills Hotel?
How about some room service?
That sounds good.
Yes, hello, I'd like to place an order, please. Nefler, bungalow four.
Then it sounded like it was in the foyer.
"Who's got my golden arm?"
Then it sounded like it was in the maid's room.
"Who's got my golden arm?"
Come on, Mrs. Nefler. It's your turn.
A scary story? Yeah, come on.
Okay. All right.
It was a cold and rainy day in March.
I went to Christophe's where I usually get my hair done, but Christophe had mysteriously disappeared.
And in his place was a stranger named Rename.
I'll never forget him.
His eyes were steely gray, very cold.
And his hands were like ice.
He said, "I'll streak your hair, "and I'll give you a body wave."
He worked very fast, and then as he turned my chair around to face the mirror, I saw it.
He permed me!
Hey, look, it's my giant underpants!
You know, you can do a lot of cool stuff with a pair of giant underpants. Just watch!
Hey, Hannah, look at me. I'm your mother.
Follow me, girls.
This is fabulous, just fabulous.
Chalk on the sidewalk Writing on the wall Everybody knows it I love Paul Annette, wait up, huh?
This is that bimbo's idea of a campsite?
I'll raise you two marshmallows.
I'll see your two marshmallows and raise you a wiener.
Wilderness Girls don't bluff.
Look! I'm a nun!
Hi. Good morning. Hello.
You are out of here.
Where is your leader?
You can torture me if you want, but I'll never talk.
She's in the bedroom. Is she expecting you?
Girls, did the room service arrive yet?
Mon capitaine, what a pleasant surprise.
Won't you join us for a little cappuccino and croissant?
Nefler, what the hell is happening here?
This is supposed to be a camp out, not a pajama party.
This what you call roughing it?
One bathroom for nine people? Yes.
Maybe you never heard of a little troop called the Red Feathers?
They were out there at that same site camping last week.
They chopped down trees, and wove their own cloth, and lived off of berries and squirrel meat.
And never once did they have to go to the bathroom.
It must have been the squirrel meat.
You have disrupted my meetings with your stupid, idiotic questions.
You have taken the sacred uniform and turned into a little cocktail frock.
And you tore these children from a wholesome camping environment, and you brought 'em here to this little den of inequity.
Just what are you trying to do, huh?
Okay, so I'm not perfect.
Granted, I'm new at this, and between us girls, I haven't worked all the kinks out.
So any tips for the new girl would be greatly appreciated.
Well, here's a tip. Okay.
Give it up.
You can prance these princesses through Beverly Hills all you want, but you will never really be a real Wilderness Girl.
This troop should have been disbanded long ago.
I know it, they know it, and you know it.
Adiés, Nefler. Have a nice day.
Guess it's back to the shrink on Tuesdays.
So much for being normal.
I knew it wouldn't last.
Well, I don't know about you girls, but next Tuesday, I'm going to be at the troop meeting.
Did you see the way I handled that, Herman? You're never going to see that woman again.
I'm sure we won't, Ms. Plendor, sir.
She thinks just because she's rich she doesn't have to play by the rules.
I can't believe he's taking her to the Dodger game.
It's batting helmet day, and she's not even under 14.
Don't bet on it.
I guess he's divorcing both of us.
I know you feel bad, honey, but try to remember that Dad's going through a phase right now.
It's called being a big jerk.
This is very interesting.
What does that represent?
It's the source of power that allows a brave to defend his home and destroy his enemies, right, Mom?
Nix on the "Mom" business.
Sorry, Ms. Plendor, sir.
Look at those adorable little red feathers, and your patches, those are fabulous.
They really bring your uniforms to life. Thank you, ma'am.
Where can I buy those? You don't buy them. You have to earn them.
Right, like jewelry.
Damn. What's wrong?
I was sure she'd quit.
Here's Claire, who you might recognize from television, and she's wearing a backpack.
Of course, it may look like an ordinary, high-quality backpack, but...
When we lift the flap and pop the snap...
Just because you're out in the woods, it's no excuse not to look your best.
You call that a wilderness craft? Where are you guys from, Mars?
Worse. Beverly Hills.
I want that woman out, Herman. She's a threat to everything we stand for.
I'm gonna assign you as Assistant Troop Leader.
You can infiltrate her organization, win her trust.
And then you can get the goods on her.
We are going to form a dossier of information on her.
I know you know best, but does that jive with the ideals of the Wilderness Girl Promise?
Promise? I'll give you a promise, Herman.
I promise you'll be back at Kmart selling those yarn balls if you don't follow orders.
Hello, Mrs. Nefler. This is Annie Herman. Remember me?
Of course I remember you, Annie.
You're the gal Friday to our fearless leader, n'est-ce pas?
Yes. Ms. Plendor was...
I was wondering if I could offer my services to you as an assistant troop leader.
You know, I really could use some help.
The parents in this neighborhood are so self-involved.
Shit, I broke a nail.
Okay, okay, we'll see you tomorrow.
She bought it.
Ready, lift. And down.
Exhale, inhale down.
Don't arch your back.
A full range of motion, exhale up, inhale down.
Lift and down. You can do it. Come on!
Up, keep breathing. Exhale up.
Keep breathing, now lift.
And down. Two and down.
Keep looking straight ahead.
For a full range of motion. Exhale up.
Girls, I'd like you to welcome Ms. Annie Herman, who has very graciously volunteered to be our new Assistant Troop Leader.
Okay, well, let's sit in the friendship circle and welcome Ms. Herman.
Join hands, please.
Okay, now, who would like to be first to volunteer a thought or a feeling, share something with us?
This troop sucks.
Okay. Does everybody feel like that?
At the crafts fair, we made complete fools of ourselves.
Those creepy Red Feathers laughed in our faces.
They had a right to. Did you see all those patches?
Yeah, they know how to do everything. We can't do anything.
Well, let's face it. We're weird.
We're losers. Really.
I hate to say it, Mom, but you know it's true.
Okay, we're not robust mountain women as yet.
But that doesn't mean we can't be crackerjack Wilderness Girls with plenty of patches.
We could make up our own patches, couldn't we, Annie?
Pardon? I'm sure it's very nice to know how to live in the forest and eat bark, but I'm going to show you girls how to survive in the wilds of Beverly Hills.
More cappuccino, girls? Yes, please.
I'm fine. A croissant might be nice.
Please don't bother. I'll just shave it when I get home.
Mrs. Nefler said to give you the works.
A fine cut.
I'd say 82 thou.
That's amazing. -Isn't it'?
And it's called a canary diamond? Yes.
Does it sing? No.
Yes, it does.
Okay, let's begin with the Frug.
Maestro, if you please.
And this one's called the Freddie.
I know, life is so ironic.
Hi, girls. My name is Officer Bill, and today I am here to demonstrate for you cardiopulmonary resuscitation, more commonly known as CPR.
So, I'll need a volunteer.
No, I don't think that's... No, no, don't be shy.
This'll be very informative. The girls will love it.
Well, I guess it couldn't hurt.
Now lie down and open your mouth.
The last time I did this, I got more than a patch for it.
Thanks so much.
Would you like a magazine? I don't want to read New Woman.
How about this?
I hate Cosmo.
How about this?
You guys are fantastic!
Wait. Hold up. Hold up.
Mr. Michaelson, is your client planning to be here or not?
Your Honor, my client should be here momentarily.
I'm sorry we're late, Your Honor.
My troop and I were busy describing the fall fashions to the blind.
One man said he could actually feel the colors.
It was inspirational.
Come on, Phyllis, what is this?
It's a Van Runkle. Isn't it fabulous?
Anyway, the workings of the wonderful American judiciary system are something that every child should witness, especially with a woman like you in charge.
Well, I guess it's all right. Okay.
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy.
Hi, sweetheart. Hi, sweetie.
We're here to attest to the division of property in the temporary support hearing of Nefler v. Nefler.
I will set a court date for six weeks from today.
Your Honor, my client would like to petition for an earlier court date if possible.
So what's the rush? What is this, Reno?
Never go to Reno, girls.
The California community property laws can't be beat.
The fact of the matter is, Your Honor, my client may be considering remarriage.
How can she subject those innocent children to this?
She's really sick.
Until this moment, I never believed we were really through.
Don't give up, Mom. He'll never really marry her.
It's just a typical male midlife crisis.
See, he's got to prove that he's still sexually attractive.
My dad's been going through it.
I need some jewelry.
Divorce Court patch.
Hopefully to be followed by the remarriage-to-someone-better- brighter-and-more-appreciative-of-me patch.
And that's why the American Indian is responsible for the turquoise jewelry movement.
That makes 36 patches in three weeks.
I can't believe that. That's so great.
Is that a record or something, Annie?
-It's unbelievable. Yeah.
When do we get our patches?
You get your patches at the patch ceremony.
It's a little do I'm cooking up. It'll be at the marina on a boat.
And we'll invite your parents, and we'll have great goodies, and you'll love it.
And the only thing you have to do is bring $750 for the patches, and please RSVP by Thursday.
I'm not coming. It's stupid. It's stupid.
It's because of the $750. She doesn't have it.
Wait up, hon! Em! Yo, Em! Wait up!
Emily! Emily, stop! Will you stop?
I haven't been to Jazzercise in three weeks.
I don't have the money.
Sit down. Come on, sit down.
Emily, I want to tell you a story about a woman who lived right here in Beverly Hills and thought that money was pretty darn important.
One day, she went to Neiman Marcus for the linen sale, and she got these fabulous duvets, and shams and dust ruffles at 50% off, two hundred-thread count.
And then she went to pay for them, and the salesgirl cut her credit card in half in front of a lot of people.
Did you have to put everything back? Yes.
Wasn't it embarrassing? -It was a nightmare.
I thought I could never show my face on Wilshire again.
But I was wrong.
These things happen. They happen to everyone.
Having money isn't the most important thing.
The most important thing is having friends.
Especially friends with money.
And the interest is only 10% a week.
Just kidding. Thanks.
You guys are fabulous.
Chica, I'm so sorry that your parents couldn't come today.
They're in Caracas.
Besides, I wouldn't have invited them anyway.
I think she's really warming up, don't you?
Can I have that wine over there?
This needs something.
You can't put wine in hobo stew!
Well, of course you can. What goes better with hobos than wine?
And in addition to the patches earned by all the girls, I am proud to present to Tiffany Honigman the friendship patch, the shopping patch, and the jewelry-appraisal patch.
And to Lily Marcigan, for teaching us how to launder money and crush a revolution, I'm proud to present the international-affairs patch.
And to my lovely daughter, Hannah, I'm proud to present the best-daughter patch.
Mom! Just kidding. Just kidding. I'm sorry. Okay.
To this total stranger, Hannah Nefler, I'm proud to present the sushi-appreciation patch, the fire-prevention patch, and the gardening-with-glamour patch.
I'm so proud of you.
Lisa, too bad! Are you okay, honey?
No, damn it! Throw me a lifesaver!
Butterscotch or Wintergreen?
Stop. She'll be all right. Silicon is buoyant.
Materialism at its worst.
This woman is a complete degenerate.
I think the evidence I have shown here proves conclusively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Beverly Hills troop should be stripped of their uniforms and officially disbanded.
And that Nefler woman should be tossed out on her butt.
Tell me something, Velda.
How did you collect all this information?
Well, I cannot reveal my sources.
Your sources show that Mrs. Nefler has taken an active interest in these girls and perhaps this troop has finally found its niche.
I think we'll keep her on for a while.
And by the way, Velda, we don't go around tossing our leaders out on their butts.
I guess that means I don't have to spy on Mrs. Nefler anymore.
Because now is the time that we have to redouble our efforts.
I think I'll have you move in with that Nefler woman.
That way, nothing will get past you.
Move in with her?
Attention, Kmart shoppers.
Blue light special, aisle 13.
The fumigator said I may not be able to go back into my apartment for weeks.
Well, you can stay here as long as you like.
That's awfully nice of you.
So what do you do for fun? Do you have a boyfriend or anything?
Well, it depends on what you mean by boyfriend.
If you mean a man I go out with...
If you mean like a boy who's just a friend...
Excuse me, Mrs. Nefler. It's Chica. She's downstairs. She seems really upset.
How can you tell?
Chica? What's wrong, sweetheart?
I'd better go. It was stupid of me to come over here.
No. Sit down. Let's talk.
I'd better go.
Well, at least wait until I call your parents to pick you up.
My parents are in Monte-Carlo!
Well, I guess it will be a while before they get here.
It was a last-minute trip. They didn't mean to leave me on my birthday.
I'm sure they didn't.
They forgot her birthday.
I'm sure they love you very much.
Just give me 10 minutes.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Chica Happy birthday to you
And remember, any hard-working troop that sells more than 1,000 boxes will attend the annual Jamboree.
That Jamboree thing sounds fabulous. My troop is definitely going.
What is a Jamboree?
I love the smell of cookies in the morning.
All right, let's begin with the M's.
Happy cookie day.
I know you're very busy, but I wanted you to know that my girls have earned oodles of patches, and in record time too.
I am fully aware of what your troop has done.
Good, good. I happen to know that those so-called patches have nothing to do with Wilderness ways as I know them or anyone else in their right mind knows them.
I know that... I have spoken with Frances Temple, and I do hereby revoke said patches so that you and those little froo-froos do not prance around with them illicitly.
Please, don't... Please nothing.
You will turn them in before you leave here today!
Now, get off my dock.
Let's start with Mar Vista. How many boxes will you take, Mar Vista?
- Forty. How many? I can't hear you, Mar Vista!
Culver City, the lovely and talented Red Feathers.
How many boxes are you little soldiers going to take?
- One thousand. All right.
Well, maybe Velda doesn't understand our patches, but I'll tell you something she does understand, cookies.
And I think we could sell enough that we could make her eat her words.
What do you think?
She can have the patches. I'm still a Wilderness Girl.
No big deal. Too many accessories clutter an outfit.
Yes, they do.
Normally, I'd ask for a refund, but this one's on the house.
Patches. We don't need no stinking patches!
Now how many boxes of cookies are we gonna sell?
You didn't call Beverly Hills!
Two thousand boxes!
Hi. What a lovely shirt you're wearing. Why, thank you.
Would you like to buy some Wilderness Girls cookies?
It's for a very good cause.
I'm sorry. I already bought some.
From who? You did?
From the cute little girls with the red feathers in their hats.
Hello. We're selling cookies. It's for a very good cause.
Would you like to buy some?
I would, but I just bought four boxes from your friends.
Our friends? Our friends?
Yeah, you know, the ones with red feathers?
Red feathers. Red feathers.
Thank you, ma'am.
We did it, Mom! Nix on the "Mom" business.
Those stinking Horse Feathers covered every inch of our turf.
I don't understand it. They deliberately ruined it for our girls.
That's not what this organization's all about, is it?
Well, there are some people in the organization, one in particular, who believe that winning is what's important, no matter who you have to step on along the way.
So as parents and friends, you have a wonderful opportunity to help our troop and support these fabulous little girls.
What do you think?
Look, if all you're trying to do is to sell 2,000 boxes of cookies, why don't we just buy them?
Well, I know. I know. I thought about that too.
But you know, it misses the point.
The girls need a chance to get their neighbors involved, you know?
It enhances community spirit.
Would you excuse me just a moment? Annie, will you take over?
Good night, Dad. Good night, hon.
Good night, sweetie.
I believe you're being paged.
Boy, there's quite a crowd in there, isn't there?
Well, you've got your peanut butter. You've got your vanilla.
You've got your creams which are...
How about you? How's the new condo?
It's great. It's great, yeah.
Got some furniture from Divorced-Guys-R-Us.
It'd be nice if you stayed for the parents' meeting, you know?
It would mean a lot to Hannah. Gosh, I can't. I mean, I got...
Come on. Look, it's just an hour.
She can pull into the garage and wait with the motor running.
That certainly took long enough.
I thought maybe you decided to move back in.
Well, what does she want from you now?
Well, she wanted me to stay for a meeting about Hannah's troop.
Take, take, take. Boy, that woman's on a total trip.
Well, the Wilderness Girls are real important to Hannah, you know.
And golly, I don't even know what to do.
You're too young to understand this, but she'll always be my wife.
I said, "She'll always be my daughter."
You said, "She'll always be my wife."
I couldn't have said that. But you did.
Well, I made a huge mistake.
Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
Look, it's obvious we don't have a solution here.
Phyllis, what's your plan?
The girls and I talked about this, and we came up with some great ideas to get the whole community involved.
Gather around, you friends of mine We're Wilderness Girls, and it's cookie time We work hard, and we play fair So buy a box and do your share
- If you want the best taste you can find Yeah, yeah
- Chocolate chips are one of a kind Yeah, yeah
- Our peanut butter treats will blow your mind Yeah, yeah
- A box of them would be so nice Box of
- Cheap at even twice the price Twice the I said come on down, come on down It's cookie time It's cookie time It's cookie time It's cookie time, cookie time, cookie time
I've got two dollars. Exact change. Thank you.
Cigars, cigarettes, cookies. Cigars, cigarettes.
Peanut butter or mint?
Do you take American Express? We prefer Visa.
Cookies always cause such a fuss Full of sugar and spice Just like us We need your dough, so don't you pause We're Wilderness Girls And we're a real good cause
- If you want a taste that's nice and sweet Yeah, yeah
- You won't find something better to eat Yeah, yeah
- Doesn't your mouth deserve a treat? Yeah, yeah
- A box of them would be so nice Nice Cheap at even twice the price
I'm not ruining your diet. Two dollars.
Ms. Pia Zadora.
She is smashingly sheathed in this season's hottest style, the Wilderness look.
Would you like to buy some cookies?
Would you like some cookies? Yes.
You have to buy them.
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Clad in khaki for a lunch at Ie bistro or a walk in the woods.
My broker says it's a fabulous investment.
Mrs. Phyllis Nefler.
Mrs. Nefler is the culprit behind this khaki mania.
And her ensemble is the epitome of this season's hottest trend.
Your mom is so cool.
She put this whole thing together.
Yeah. She's amazing.
I just wish my dad could see it. Yeah.
Thank you, Robin.
And if you loved our haute couture, you'll adore our haute cuisine.
Buy some cookies today.
It's khaki wishes and cookie dreams.
You are so fabulous.
No, you're fabulous. No, you...
No, you. You're fabulous, fabulous, fabulous.
- Plendor here. Velda, Phyllis Nefler.
Listen, I had a little surprise for you. We didn't sell 2,000 boxes of cookies.
Well, that's no surprise to me. I knew you couldn't.
We sold 4,732 boxes. Isn't that fabulous?
Listen, the Barnfells are throwing a gala this evening, and we'd love you to be there for the check presentation.
8:00-ish, black tie, 7O Hillcrest, across from that garish Suroc mansion.
So, see you then.
It was a warm and sultry evening.
She looked stunning. Everything was going wonderfully.
Thanks for throwing this fabulous party.
Phyllis, we want to thank you for giving our little girl a birthday party while we were away.
I am terrible with dates. Yes.
Everyone was there, all the Beverly Hills glitterati.
It all looked so civilized, but really, it was a black-tied jungle.
Tessa told me your idea about using Emily's dad in my next picture.
Well... I want you to meet the new mob father.
Thanks so much for helping me out, helping me get this part.
I couldn't get a job in this town.
And Emily thanks you too.
Mrs. Nefler, meet Cinderella.
Annie, you look fabulous.
How did this happen?
Well, Hannah did my makeup, and Rosa raided your closet.
You really like it?
Excuse me, Cheech? Hi, I'd like you to meet Annie Herman.
Are you related to Pee-wee?
Madam, would you mind telling me the truth?
How many pairs of shoes do you really have?
Why, what are you implying, Mr. Christy?
Do you like people to call you Dictator or just Dick'?
Just call me Bong Bong, please.
May I call you Phyllis? Sure, sure, Bong Bong.
Troop Leader of the Year?
Sir, may I cut in, dance with my wife? Certainly.
It was a pleasure, miss. And for me.
Phyl, I got to hand it to you.
You did it. I did?
Yeah. I mean, you turned yourself around completely.
I got to tell you something else. You look great.
It's different and everything, but I mean, it's softer somehow.
So, where's Lisa, or is it past her bedtime?
Boy, way past, I'll tell you.
I'm not seeing her anymore.
No, and I'll tell you something else.
I am really very, very proud of you. I just had to say that.
Well, I'm kind of proud of me too.
And there's something very important I have to talk to you about.
Velda, I'm so glad you could make it.
This is our commander in chief, Velda Plendor.
This is my... This is Freddy Nefler.
Hey, how you doing? Pleasure to meet you.
Well, I guess we can talk about it later? Sure, sure, of course we can.
So, I guess you have something for me first? Yes, abso/ument.
I want you all to welcome our esteemed district leader, Velda Plendor, who's been gracious enough to stop by to acknowledge the achievement of our fabulous Beverly Hills Wilderness Girls.
And next it's on to the annual Jamboree where our girls will compete for the ultimate honor of being next year's poster troop.
And we're going to win.
I guess my big break came when I was playing Ace, a photographer on The Love Boat.
You were good. Thanks.
Do you know Gopher? Yeah, he's a good friend of mine.
You traitor. Look at you, you cheap slut.
Your next stop is Kmart. Screw you, Velda.
I don't usually talk that way.
I liked it.
You are very sexy. Really.
So, you don't hate me anymore?
Fred, I never hated you.
I was angry with you, and I was hurt.
But now I realize that our splitting up was positive.
Positive? Well, constructive.
I feel like I've grown a lot in the last few months.
Boy, yeah, you really have.
So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?
Yeah. What about Hannah?
Well, you know, I realize that ever since we've been separated, Phyl, just how much she means to me, and I just think that when the divorce is final, I want joint custody of Hannah.
That's what you wanted to talk to me about?
Yeah, and I sure didn't want to hurt you, Phyl, but you know, she's my daughter too, and I'd like her to spend some time with me, say, like, on the weekends. I'd like to get through...
Good night, Freddy.
Help! I'm drowning. God. I'm...
Hi, going through a divorce.
Hannah, I washed your yellow sweatshirt.
Rosa will be back before you do any more of my laundry, won't she?
Yeah, I guess so. Where'd she go, anyway?
Mexico. Her grandmother died. Again'?
You're taking your Laura Ashley doll?
Dad thought I should keep some stuff at his house.
There's plenty food in the freezer.
If you need anything, just call me. You've got Dad's number.
And don't stay up too late, okay?
Thank you. I'm a grown-up person. I think I can take care of myself.
Are you ready, Peaches? Coming, Dad.
Bye, Mom. Bye. Have fun.
I love you, Hannah. Love you too.
Did you forget something, honey?
I bet you thought that was pretty cute last night, didn't you, Nefler?
What? Putting on that little show for all your hotsy-totsy friends?
Well, you didn't just embarrass me.
You embarrassed the Wilderness Girls of America.
I never intended on embarrassing anyone.
You're dangerous, Nefler.
You think this is all a game, don't you? Well, my Jamboree is no joke.
That's the real wilderness out there. That's not some Beverly Hills backyard.
You got mountains, swamps, wild animals.
They don't take credit cards.
I'm warning you, Nefler.
Somebody is gonna get hurt, and it's gonna be all your fault.
Well, the reason you're winning is I got grease on my controller.
Want some more pizza? I'm stuffed.
How about some more soda? No, I'm fine.
You're tired of the game? Okay, let's go to 31 Flavors.
I'm ready. Come on. Dad, will you please stop?
You don't have to feed me and entertain me every second.
You mean, I'm trying too hard?
I know this is hard for you and Mom, but it's really hard for me too. I feel like a ping-pong ball.
I just wish that you guys would get back together again.
So do I, Peaches.
Memories Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories...
Phyllis! Are you upstairs?
This looks like a scene out of Valley of the Dolls.
Give me another bottle of Evian.
Don't you think you've had enough?
Shut up and bring me the bottle.
My life is over.
I brought up your mail.
There's something from the family court.
I want these burned and the ashes scattered over Forest Lawn.
Come on. Get up. I'll make you a cappuccino, and we'll go over to Betsy's, and we'll play some doubles.
I'm not going anywhere.
You cannot just lie there.
Come on. We'll go to Rodolfo's.
I've lost my will to shop.
Phyllis, that's not funny.
Velda was mean, but she was right.
It's one thing to try and convince myself that I'm a real troop leader, but to lead you girls into danger just to save my own pride would be criminal, and I won't do it.
Now I want to say that I have loved our times together, and I will treasure them always.
But it's over now.
Sorry, Mrs. Nefler, but a deal's a deal.
You can't quit.
You wouldn't let me run away, and we won't let you either.
Don't you realize what you've done for us?
You're our role model. And our friend.
Mrs. Nefler, you took a group of over-indulged, unmotivated, alienated, preadolescents and gave us renewed sense of self-esteem.
I think what she means to say is that you made us like ourselves.
We're a team now. We can win any competition.
We can whoop the wilderness.
We ain't scared of nothing as long as we have you.
They're right, Phyl. You've come too far to quit now.
And now the main event of the annual Wilderness Jamboree, the survival competition.
Each troop must follow the path that is designated by your color flag.
Our blue flags were for our Beverly Hills sisters, but it appears that they've opted not to compete.
Soto the rest of you, I say good luck.
May the best troop win.
On your marks, get set...
What is that noise? What is that noise?
Careful, careful, easy. Yeah, here we come.
Get your damn car out of my friendship ring.
Hi, Vel. Lovely to see you too.
Okay, fine, on your mark, get set, go.
We have to hurry. We have to get to that table with the blue banner.
Put on those arm bands. Come on.
The table with the blue banners, girls. There should be a map and a compass.
Just a second, Herman.
Only Wilderness Girls and Troop Leaders are allowed to participate in this.
I'm an assistant troop leader. Yeah.
Not anymore you aren't. I just fired you.
What? Are you kidding me? She can't do that. That's not fair.
And Nefler, you better get moving.
It's 20 miles to the nearest campsite, and it's about 100 miles to the nearest four-star hotel.
Take your pick.
Phyllis? I can't let you take the girls out there alone.
Why not? Because you get lost in your walk-in closet.
Not anymore. We've got a map here.
The route is marked. We just follow the little blue flags, right?
We'll be fine. We're Troop Beverly Hills.
Yeah! We are winners! Okay, let's go.
Remember, the troop that gets back here in the shortest time wins.
You'll be timed from here to the midpoint tonight.
Bivouac there, and then tomorrow you race into the finish line. Got it?
Sure, sure, I got it.
Do you know how to use a compass?
I can learn. Don't worry, Mom. I can do it.
Is that a snake? No, it's not.
Emily, is that poison oak? Gross, yuck.
Okay, now, north is that way. Which way is the campsite?
I can do this.
Gucci's just north of Wilshire. The Beverly Wilshire Hotel is west.
I think the campsite is at Cartier, so to speak.
You guys, there's the blue flag.
Backhand's a little rusty.
All right, another blue flag.
Annie, something's kind of fishy here.
Where are you?
We're standing in a jungle of reeds with goo up to our ankles.
It sounds like Dead Man's Swamp.
Annie, do rattlesnakes live in swamps?
No, they hate water.
Thank God. Thanks, Annie.
Water moccasins live in swamps.
They're just as deadly, but they don't make any noise before they strike.
Are you there? Phyllis? Phyllis?
What an adventure. Isn't nature fabulous, girls?
I'm very proud of you girls. Terrific.
Good spirit, Tiffany.
Good spirit, girls.
A few positive words from me, and they get their second wind.
Six hours, 27 minutes.
Anytime now, those Red Feathers will be coming up right over that horizon.
Setting the new record time for the first half of this competition.
We're number one. We're number one.
There they are.
We're number one. We're number one.
You're gonna pay for this. Yes, you are.
Redondo Beach, seven hours 21 minutes. Pomona, seven hours and four minutes.
Red Feathers, six hours 29 minutes.
Beverly Hills, six hours, 28 and a half minutes.
Do you hear that? I thought you said we were gonna win?
You are. Just leave it to me.
Grundman? Yes, sir... Ma'am.
I'm gonna be taking over tomorrow. You're going to be too sick to continue.
There's been a slight change of plans.
Mrs. Grundman is gravely ill.
I have no other option but to lead the Red Feathers myself.
What? That's not fair.
That's not fair. She mapped out the course.
The second leg of the competition will begin on my command.
Ready, set, go.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
Because that buffalo butt is breaking every rule by joining those little monsters doesn't mean we can't be good sports, right?
Yeah, we played by the rules, right? Right!
And we're gonna win, right?
Five, six, seven, eight.
We're the girls from Beverly Hills One, two, three, four.
Shopping is our greatest skill Five, six, seven, eight.
We will fight and try real hard One, two, three, four.
Leave behind our credit card Five, six, seven, eight.
Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill
Well, au revoir, mon Jamboree.
Well, hey, you know, we got into the woods, and we had a nice time.
That's a crock of shit.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Just once, I would like to go the distance.
It really frosts my cookies that we have worked so hard, and we have come so far, and now we have to stop.
Not necessarily. Look.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. No. No, I can't let you do this.
I can do it, Morn. It's just like the balance beam.
This is no balance beam, honey. This isn't even a bridge. This is a log.
It's very treacherous, and that is a very, very deep ravine.
Only an idiot would walk across that.
I'm going to do it.
Mom, you're afraid of heights.
You fell off the garden wall when you were spying on Dad.
I wasn't spying on Dad. I was checking on my azaleas.
I was spying on Dad. But that's not really the point here.
The point is that I'm the adult. I'm the responsible one.
And for a change, I'm gonna take care of you.
You always have.
I have? Yeah.
Me and seven other girls.
Yeah, you're a lucky kid.
Be careful. Okay.
If I get across...
When, when I get across, I want you to go down to the bridge, tie a rock on the loose end, and throw it across to me.
lam the log. lam the ravine.
I am scared.
This isn't so bad. Mom!
Be careful, Hannah. I'm coming, Mom.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.
Concentrate. Go slower.
Hannah, go back. No.
I'm not gonna let you stay out here. Hannah!
Mom, my foot's stuck. Good.
Okay. Here I come.
Stay right there. Hannah, try.
Does it hurt? No.
Okay, let's push.
Push hard. Don't lose your balance.
Okay, put your foot down.
Okay, I'm gonna turn around. ls your foot all right?
Yeah, it's okay. Okay, okay.
Don't look down. Here we go.
Take my hand, honey.
I distinctly remember telling you to stay off this log.
Of course what do I know? I'm just your mother.
I'm sorry. Sure, easy to say that now, you're sorry.
But will you listen the next time? I'd just like someone to listen.
Sometimes you're as stubborn as your father.
We did it! We did it! Honey.
Mom, you're a hero.
Wait, stop. It was nothing. It wasn't that bad.
It was awful. It was awful, but we made it.
Okay, go down to the bridge. Go down to the bridge.
Damn. Those little bimbesses are really starting to bug me.
All right, screw the flags, girls. I know a shortcut.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
I don't know, Ms. Plendor.
The map says this areas is for hunters and trappers only.
It might be dangerous.
It is only dangerous when you don't know what you're doing.
This is unbelievable.
We haven't lost that much time.
Really? Let me see the map.
Wouldn't it be bizarre if we won?
Hey, we already won. What do you mean?
Well, we didn't quit, and we didn't cheat.
And we didn't call home when we were in trouble.
We were a team. We won. We did.
You're right. Yeah.
Now let's beat those suckers at their own game.
Yeah, let's go.
It's broken. Jamie, some rations and some water.
Come on, you're not gonna leave me here.
You're dead weight.
Besides, after we win, we'll send someone back to get to you.
Come on, Red Feathers, move on.
Cleo, I was in labor with you for 17 hours!
I bought you your first...
I have patches, girls! I can get you into West Point.
You little bitches!
Oh, my God, what was that?
Don't worry. It was probably just one of nature's beasts.
Geek brain! I hate children! I hate them!
Yep, it's a beast, all right.
How bad is it, Tessa?
Well, there's multiple contusions and possibly a cracked fibula.
And a severe personality disorder.
There's a nurse at the finish line.
What's the quickest way we can get you there?
No. You don't want to help me.
You just want to know the quickest way to get there so you can win.
Well, blow it out your barracks bag, sweetheart.
You can leave me behind, because I'm not talking.
Well, let's leave her.
We've already lost a lot of time because of her.
Besides, she hates us.
Why should we lose just to help her?
Well, it's a real moral dilemma, isn't it, girls?
We could help a fellow Wilderness Girl, as we swore we would when we pledged the Wilderness Promise.
Or we could leave her here and pursue our own personal glory.
While she is ravaged by vicious beasts, toyed with by lonely mountain men.
Really lonely mountain men.
I leave it up to you.
I think we should leave her. She's just a pain.
Go tell her.
Ms. Nefler, she's history. We're out of here.
Come on, guys. We did swear.
I knew I could count on you girls to do the right thing.
Stop, or I'll bust out crying.
I knew I could count on you losers to do the wimpy thing.
You need your rest.
As the girls are clearing the woods, I want a tight close-up on Tessa. Stay with her.
Then we're gonna whip pan through the rest of the woods.
Now the theme of the shot is victory.
I think I see somebody.
We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. We're number one.
-It's the Red Feathers. Oh, dear.
Hearty congratulations to the winners of our annual Wilderness Jamboree, the Culver City Red Feathers.
Thank you, Mrs. Temple.
On behalf of the other Feathers and myself, we felt good.
We were pumped. We came to win, and we won.
I'd like to say that the other three troops gave us a real run for our money, but they didn't.
Wait a minute, dear. Wait. Where's your mother?
I don't know. Give me the trophy.
Dear, the rules specifically state that the trophy goes to the first entire troop to cross the finish line.
No leader, no trophy.
Give me the trophy.
Get your footing, girls, going down the hill please.
Come on, Jamie.
Look, they're dragging something.
Looks like an animal.
Must be Velda.
That's a cut.
The Red Feathers came in without a leader, therefore, they are disqualified.
And the winners are Troop Beverly Hills.
We did it! We did it!
No, no, no, no, no way!
You're not even Wilderness Girls. None of you are.
I'm the only real Wilderness Girl.
Does she strike you as being minus a few buttons?
I'll tell you about the buttons, you senile old bag.
I may be old, and I may be senile, but the only thing that's bagged around here is you.
Fine. I really care. So what? Who cares?
I don't need you. I don't need anybody.
I'm gonna secede from the national organization.
Yeah, that's it. I'll secede, and I'll form my own organization, yeah, Plendor's Pilgrims.
That's it, Plendor's Pilgrims.
No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Plendor's Pioneers.
How's that? That's perfect.
What about Velda's Avengers?
I'm sorry to see you go.
She was always fun at our Halloween party.
And I'm sorry we don't have a trophy for you.
Well, we don't need a trophy, huh?
Yeah, I mean, all we wanted to do was to prove we were real Wilderness Girls.
Well, who ever said you weren't?
I wish Dad were here.
I know. Me too.
You did it. I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it. You were great.
Mom did it.
May I kiss the Troop Leader?
It's okay with me.
I'm sorry, Phyl.
I love you, Wilderness Girl. Fred.
I love you, Muffler Man.
It's about time you two grew up.
Well, we should get married. Again.
Five, six, seven, eight.
We're the girls from Beverly Hills One, two, three, four.
Shopping was our greatest skill Five, six, seven, eight.
After all is said and done One, two, three, four.
Beverly Hills is number one Five, six, seven, eight.
Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill Beverly Hills, what a thrill
Attention, Kmart shoppers, blue light special, aisle 13.