True Romance (1993) Script

True Romance In Jailhouse Rock, he was everything rockabilly is about.

I mean he is rockabilly:

Mean, surly, nasty, rude.

In that movie, he couldn't give a fuck about nothin'.

Except rocking and rolling, living fast, dying young... and leaving a good-looking corpse.

I watch that hillbilly and I want to be him so bad.

Elvis looked good.

Hey, I'm no fag. But Elvis was prettier than most women.

You know? Most women.

You know I always said, if I had to fuck a guy. I mean had to... and my life depended on it...

I'd fuck Elvis.

I'd fuck Elvis.

Really?

Well, when he was alive, not now.

I don't blame you.

So, we'd both fuck Elvis.

It's nice to meet people with common interests, ain't it?

Well, enough about the King. How about you?

How about me what?

How about you go to the movies with me tonight?

What are we gonna see?

A Sonny Chiba triple feature.

The Streetfighter, Return of the Streetfighter... and Sister Streetfighter.

Who's Sonny Chiba?

"Who's Sonny Chiba?"

Well, he is, bar none, the finest actor working in martial arts movies today.

You want to take me to a kung fu movie?

Three kung fu movies.

I don't think so.

Not really my cup of tea.

All right.


I had to come all the way from the highways and byways... of Tallahassee, Florida... to Motor City, Detroit to find my true love.

If you gave me a million years to ponder...

I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would go together.

And to this day, the events that followed all seem like a distant dream.

But the dream was real... and was to change our lives forever.

I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing... and everything was so shitty.

And he'd say:

"That's the way it goes. But don't forget...

"...it goes the other way too".

That's the way romance is.

Usually that's the way it goes.

But every once in a while, it goes the other way too.

My heart beats and there is time.

Don't move, Tojo.

You'll be unconscious soon....

It's an ancient technique.

Oxygen.

Come.

Oh, look what happened! Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, Jesus, I am the clumsiest person in the world.

That's all right. Accidents happen.

What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for being a sweetheart.

Because you could have been a real dick.

Come on! Ready?

Larry, where are we going?

Look, we don't know what will be coming next.

You mean you're scared?

Hey, laundromat clothes!

You mind if I smoke?

No.

Listen, do you mind filling me in on what I missed?

No, no.

See this, that guy up there? It's Sonny Chiba.

The Oriental?

Yeah, the one in black.

You want a Goober?

Yeah. See, in the beginning of the movie he was hired to get this guy.

You have got popcorn all over you.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Is he supposed to be a good guy?

He ain't so much a good guy as he's just a bad motherfucker.

I mean, he gets paid by people to fuck guys up. You know.

You came to see three kung fu movies?

Sure, why not?

Nothing, nothing. You're a girl after my own heart. That's all.

Do you know what time it is?

It's about 12:00.

I suppose you've got to get up early, huh?

No, not particularly, how come?

It's just, after a movie, I like to go get some pie... and talk about it.

Sort of a little tradition I have.

Do you like to get pie after you see a good movie?

Yeah, I love to get pie after a movie.

Would you like to go get some pie with me?

I'd love some pie.

In that movie, he couldn't give a fuck about nothing.

Except rock-and-roll, living fast, dying young... and leaving a good-looking corpse.

Enough about the King. How about you?

How about me what?

Well, tell me about yourself.

What do you want to know?

Well, for starters, what do you do? Where are you from?

What's your favorite color? Who's your favorite movie star?

What kind of music do you like?

What are your turn-ons, your turnoffs?

I guess the big question is, do you have a fella?

Okay, ask me again, one by one.

What do you do?

I don't remember.

Where are you from? I don't know.

What's your favorite color? I don't know. Black?

Well, who's your favorite movie star? Burt Reynolds.

Do you want a bite of my pie?

Yes, I would. A little one.

All right.

You all right? It's good. You like it?

What kind of music do you like?

Phil Spector. Girl-group stuff like, He is a Rebel.

What are your turn-ons?

Mickey Rourke, a man who can appreciate the finer things in life, like sugar.

Elvis' voice, kung fu, pie.

Turnoffs?

Turnoffs.

Persians.

Do you have a fella?

Ask me that one a little bit later.

In a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?

Because you looked like a nice guy.

So I had to dump my popcorn all over you.

I'll get the check. Where to next?

Can I peek?

Now don't peek. Keep your eyes shut.

All right, I am turning the lights on. Okay, open them.

Oh, wow!

Wow, what a swell place to work!

Yeah, it's cool. I got the keys... so I just come in, you know, read comics, play music.

You worked here a long time?

Almost four years.

That is a long time.

Yeah, but it's not so bad.

I'm pretty friendly with most of the customers.

So I just hang out, bullshit, read comic books.

You get paid a lot?

No, that's where the trouble comes into paradise.

The boss is a pretty nice guy.

He lets you borrow money from time to time, if you need it.

You want to see what Spiderman No. 1 looks like?

You bet.

Just great stories, great characters, beautiful artwork.

See, in this one, Nick, he's gotten this ring here... for his sweetheart and he wears it around his neck on a chain.

And later on in the story, he gets in this fight with this Nazi bastard.

And the Kraut grabs hold of the chain.

Well, the ring goes overboard.

Nick, he dives into the ocean to get it.

Isn't that cool?


What is it? You're crying? What did I do? Did I do something?

You didn't do nothing.

What is it?

I have something I got to tell you.

I didn't just happen to be at that theater. I was paid to be there.

If you were paid to be there, what are you? A theater-checker?

You get paid to check the box-office girls aren't ripping the place off?

I'm no theater-checker. I'm a call girl.

You're a whore?

No! I'm a call girl, and there is a difference, you know!

Okay, here it goes. You know the place you took me to last night?

The place you work.

Heroes for Sale?

You got a boss, right?

Yeah.

Okay, what's his name?

Lance.

That's him. He called the place where I work.

He ordered a girl. He wanted you to get laid.

Said you didn't get out much, and it was your birthday and all.

He wanted me to act like I just showed up.

How did he know you were going to be at that theater?

I go to the movies every year on my birthday.

He called me this week to find out what my birthday movie was going to be.

You're not mad?

No, man. I can't tell you....

That was one of the best times I ever had.

It was. You know, I knew something must be rotten in Denmark.

There's no way you could like me that much.

I was so relieved when you took off your dress... and didn't have a dick.

Stop being so fucking calm about all this!

Look in your house. There's a note on your TV.

It only says "Dear Clarence," because I couldn't write anymore.

So I just said, "Alabama, come clean.

"Just tell him what's what. If he tells you...

"...to go back to Drexl and fuck yourself...

"...then go back to Drexl and fuck yourself".

Drexl? What's a Drexl?

Please shut up! I'm trying to come clean.

I've been a call girl for exactly four days and you are my third customer.

I want you to know, that I am not damaged goods.

I'm not what they call in Florida, white trash!

I'm a really good person.

And when it comes to relationships...

I am one hundred percent.

I am one hundred percent monogamous.

You stay with one guy?

Exactly. If I'm with you, then I'm with you.

And I don't want anybody else.

Now, I got to tell you something else.

When you said last night was one of the best times you've had... did you mean physically?

Yeah, yeah. But I'm talking about the whole night.

I never had as much fun with a girl, as I had with you, my whole life.

It's true. You like Elvis. You like Janis... you like kung fu movies. You like The Partridge Family....

Actually, I don't like The Partridge family.

That was part of the act.

And I feel really goofy saying this... after only knowing you one night, and me being a call girl and all....

But, I think I love you.

Wait a second.

Look, I've been trying to keep this whole thing in perspective.

You just said you loved me. If I say I love you, throw caution to the wind... let the chips fall as they may, and you're lying, I'll fucking die.

I'm not lying to you. And I swear from this moment forth...

I will never lie to you again.

Well, hello, Mrs. Worley.

How do you do, Mr. Worley.

Top of the morning to you, Mrs. Worley.

Bottom of the ninth, Mr. Worley.

By the way, have you seen your lovely wife today?

My beautiful, charming, sexy wife...

Mrs. Alabama Worley?

Are there any others, Mr. Worley?

No, not for me, no.

No. No. Yes, yes.

Excuse me. Do you think you could turn down the heat just a teeny bit?

I must ask you a question.

Who and what is a Drexl?

Quiet. Huh?

He was my pimp.

You had a pimp?

I was a call girl.

Call girls have pimps.

Was he black?

He thinks he is. He said his mama was an Apache but I suspect he's lying.

Is he nice?

I wouldn't go so far as to say that. He treated me pretty decent.

I was only there for four days. He got a little bit rough the other day.

What do you mean? With you? No, with my friend Ilene.

What did he do to Ilene?

Slapped her around. Kicked her in the stomach.

It was scary.

This motherfucker sounds beautiful.

What did you do to end up with a son of a bitch like that?

What are you talking about?

Floyd say he don't be eating pussy.

Drexl, any nigger says he don't eat pussy's lying his ass off.

I heard that.

Hold on a second. Big D., you saying you eat pussy?

Yeah, motherfucker, I eat the pussy, I eat the bud.

I eat every fucking thing.

If I ever did eat any pussy, I would never eat any pussy, right?

But if I did eat some pussy...

I sure as hell wouldn't tell no goddamn body.

I'd be ashamed as a motherfucker. Shit, nigger, you smoke enough Sherm... your dumb ass would do a lot of motherfucking things.

You'd be up in there suckin' niggers' dicks!

Fuck you guys, man. You guys are fucked up, all right?

Hey. Wait a second. We's just fucking with you.

In fact, I'm going to show you what I mean with a little demonstration.

Toss me the burner.

All right, dig this.

Pretend it's that fine centerfold bitch.

You know what I'm saying? And you are you.


Honey, where you going? Bathroom.


Well, can you live with it? What?

I said can you live with it?

Live with what?

That son of a bitch walking around breathing the same air as you.

Getting away with it every day.

Are you haunted?

Yeah.

You want to get un-haunted?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'd kill him.

Shoot him in the face. Put him down like a dog.

I can't believe what you're saying.

I'm not saying nothing. I's just saying what I'd do.

You'd do that?

The fuck don't deserve to live.

Look, he's haunting me, you know.

I want to kill him, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail.

Hey man, I don't blame you.

If I thought I'd get away with it.... Get away with it?

Killing is the hard part. Getting away with it, that's easy.

You think a cop gives a fuck about a pimp?

Listen. Every pimp in the world could get shot.

Two in the back of the fucking head. Cops would throw a party, man.

As long as you're not at the scene of the crime... with a smoking gun in your hand, you'll get away with it.

Clarence, I like you.

Always have, always will.


'Bama.

Where you going?

I need you to write down your former address.

Why?

So I can go over there and pick up your stuff, that's why.

Oh, baby, come on, Clarence. I just want to disappear from there.

I know this scares the shit out of you, but I'm not scared of that motherfucker.

You are completely out of his reach. He poses absolutely no threat to you.

If he doesn't matter, and he doesn't... then it seems silly you lose all your things now.

Listen.

You don't know him.

No, you don't know me. Not when it comes to shit like this.

I need to do this.

I want you to know that you can count on me to protect you.

Come on, please just write it down.

This isn't a good idea.

I'm telling you, it'll be fine.

I'll be in and out of there.

Be careful. I will.

I love you.

I love you, too.


You want something?

Yeah, you Drexl?

No man, I'm Marty.

Well, I want to talk to Drexl.

Well, what the fuck you want to talk to him about?

It's about Alabama.

He was asking about Alabama.

Where the fuck is that bitch?

She's with me.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm her husband.

Well, that makes us practically related.

Have a seat, boy.

Have an egg roll. We got everything here... from "Little-Eye Joel" to "Damned if I know".

No, thanks.

No, thanks? What that mean?

I think you're too scared to be eating.

Now, see....

We're sitting down here, ready to negotiate.

And you've already given up your shit.

I'm still a mystery to you.

But I know exactly where your white ass is coming from.

If I ask you if you want some dinner and you grab an egg roll...

I say, he's acting like he ain't got a care in the world.

And who knows? Maybe he don't.

Maybe this fool is such a bad motherfucker... he don't have to worry about nothing. He just sits down... and watches my motherfucking TV.

See?

You haven't even sat down yet.

That TV over there, since you've been here... has a woman with her breast just hanging out.

Well, you haven't even bothered to look.

You just been clocking me.

Now, I know I'm pretty. But I'm not as pretty as a couple of titties.

This child be fierce.

I'm not eating because I'm not hungry.

I'm not sitting because I'm not staying.

I'm not looking at the movie because I've already seen it seven years ago.

It is The Mack.

Max Julian, Carol Speed and Richard Pryor.

I'm not scared of you. I just don't like you.

That's payoff money. Alabama is moving on to greener pastures.

We're not negotiating, I don't like to barter.

What's in there is for my peace of mind.

My peace of mind is worth that much. Not one penny more.

It's empty.

Marty, you know what we got here? A motherfucking Charlie Bronson.

"Mr. Majestyk?"

Look here, Charlie.

None of this bullshit is necessary.

I don't got no hold over Alabama.

I was just trying to lend a girl a helping hand.


That's what you get.

You fuck with me, white-boy!

Look at this! You fond of my motherfucking freaks?

Shit! You motherfucker!

Your ass got to be crazy!

You must have thought it was white-boy day.

It ain't white-boy day, is it?

No man, it ain't white-boy day.

Shit man, you done fucked up again.

Well, well, well.

Look what we got here.

Clarence Worley?

It sounds almost like a nigger name.

And I know where you live.

4900, 160th Street...

Apartment 48.

And I would make a million-dollar bet, that Alabama is at the same address.

Marty, take the car, go get her. Bring her dumb ass back here.

I think I'll keep lover boy here entertained.

Hey, Marty!

What the fuck are you doing?

I can't find my jacket! Go look in the fucking hamper.

You!

Get a bag and put Alabama's things in it. You want to get fucking shot?

Get a bag and put Alabama's things in it!

I just did you the biggest fucking favor of your life!

Open your eyes.

I said open your fucking eyes!

You thought it was pretty fucking funny. Didn't you?

Fuck you! You piece of shit!

Don't fucking move!

I was selfish. I know I was selfish. l was, but...

I was carrying your child, babe.

I killed him.

Want a hamburger or something? I'm starving to death.

Is this a joke?

No joke.

That was the best fucking hamburger I ever had in my life.

I've never had a hamburger taste this good.

Come on, eat something, you'll feel better.

What the fuck you crying for?

He's not worth one of your tears. Would you rather it have been me?

Is that it? Is that what you want? I mean, do you love him?

Do you love him?

I said, do you fucking love him?

I think what you did was... What?

I think what you did... What? was so romantic.

Oh, baby, you're bleeding.

I got your things right here.

Clean clothes.

I love you.

I love you. There is a God.


These aren't my clothes.


Rommel, where are you? Come on get in here. Get in here now.


Good morning, Daddy.

Hey, Rommel.

Long time no see, huh?

Now you're going to have to excuse the place.

I haven't exactly been doing a lot of entertaining... of company as of late.

I'm sorry if I seem a little tense.

But you're the last person in the world, that I expected to see this morning.

Well, that's okay, Daddy, I tend to have that effect on people.

You got anything to drink around here? I'm dying of thirst.

Now there should be, there should be a Seven-Up in there.

Anything stronger?

Probably not. Beer. You can drink beer, can't you?

I can, but I don't.

That's about all I ever eat.

Excuse me.

Hello, hello, hello.

I'm his father.

Well that's all right. I'm his wife, Alabama Worley. Pleased to meet you.

We got married.

Lover, why don't you be a sport and go get us some beer?

You want some beer?

If you want some, it'll be here. Okay?

Where is a liquor store around here?

There is a party store down 54th Street.

Get a six-pack of something imported.

Hard to tell you what to get. Different places have different things.

Here, that should cover it, okee-dokee?

Okee-dokee, Doggy Daddy.

Ain't she the sweetest goddamn thing you ever saw in your whole life?

I mean, is she a four-alarm fire, or what?

She seems very nice.

Nice?

Daddy, "nice" is not the word. I mean this girl, she's a peach.

You know, she even tastes like a peach.

You can tell I'm in love with her, can't you?

No, wait. I gotta talk.

Sit down! Shut up!

You give me a fucking headache.

You are so much like your mother, I can't believe it.

You are your fucking mother, through and through.

I haven't heard from you in three years.

You show up all of a sudden, at 8:00 in the morning... you walk in here like a goddamned bulldozer.

Now don't get me wrong. I love you, I'm glad to see you.

But slow it down, man.

All right?

Now.

When did you get married?

Well, Daddy....

I'm in big fucking trouble.

I really need your help.

No, no, stop talking.

What do you want from me? What?

What do you want from me? Stop acting like an infant!

You're here because you want me to help you.

What do you need from me? You need money?

No. You still have friends on the force?

Yes, I still have friends on the force.

Could you find out if they know about us?

I don't think they know shit. But I want to know for sure.

You can do that. Right?

What makes you think I could do that?

Because you were a cop.

But what makes you think that I would do that?

Because I'm your son.

Oh, you're my son.

Oh, you got it all worked out, don't you?

Look. I mean, goddamn, I've never asked you for a goddamn thing.

Jesus fucking Christ! After Mom divorced you... did I ever ask you for anything? No. I didn't.

When I wouldn't see you for one or two years... did I ever get into your shit?

The whole time you were drunk, did I get mad... point my finger?

No! I never did. Everybody else did, but I didn't!

Now look, I just need help, and you can fucking help me. All right?

Now, I'm basically a resourceful guy. If I didn't really need it, I wouldn't ask.

I mean, if you want to say no, then fine.

Forget it, don't worry about it. No problem, I'm gone, all right?

The Virgin is back!

Thank God. I could eat a horse.

I didn't get you any chicken.

Well, how come?

Honey, it's too early in the morning. It's only 9:00.

Son of a bitch!

Dick Richie! Dick Richie!

That's me, I'm me.

Come inside.

Okay.

Sit. Sit, sit.

Now.

The part you'll be reading is one of the bad guys.

There's Brian and Marty.

Who?

Is there a problem?

No.

Peter Breck has been cast in the part of Brian.

So, you'll be reading for the role of Marty.

In this scene, you're both in a car, and Bill Shatner's hanging on the hood.

What you want to do is get him off.

All right, I'm Marty.

Ready?

I'm driving.

Okay.

"Where the fuck did he come from?"

"I don't know, he just appeared like magic".

"Well, don't just sit there, shoot him!"

"Get him!"

Thank you, Mr. Richie.

I'm very impressed. You're a very fine actor.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We'll let you know.

Okay.

Okay, one-handed. One hand.

Good, try on the other one there.

Here comes the train.

Well, they found nothing. In fact, they think it's drug related.

Drug related? Why drug related?

Well, apparently Drexl had his big toe stuck in that shit.

Really?

Drexl had an association with a fellow named Blue Lou Boyle.

Name mean anything to you? No.

If you don't hang around his circle, it shouldn't.

Who is he?

Gangster, drug dealer. You don't want him on your ass.

Now look, Clarence, the more I hear about this Drexl fucker... the more I think you did the right thing. This guy was not just some wild flake.

That's what I was trying to tell you before. The guy was like a mad dog.

So, the cops, they don't think.... They're not after us?

No. Until they hear something better.

They will just assume Drexl had a falling out with Blue Lou.

And once you leave town, I wouldn't even worry about it.

Thanks, thanks a lot, Daddy. You really came through for me.

I got some money I could give you.

No, keep it. Keep it.

Well now, son.

I want you to know that...

I hope everything works out with you and Alabama.

I like her.

And I think you make a real cute couple.

Yeah, well, you stay out of trouble.

You got a wife to think about now.

Quit fucking around.

Son...

I love you.

All right.

This is my friend Dick Richie's number and address in Hollywood.

That's where we'll be.

All right.

Come on, Alabama. We're taking off. Kiss Pops goodbye.

'Bye, Daddy. Hope to see you again soon.

Hey, hey!

What kind of smackaroo is that?

I'll send you a postcard from Hollywood.

Alabama.

Yes, sir?

Take care of him for me.

Don't worry, Daddy. I'll keep him on a short leash.

As the sun sets slowly in the west. We bid you a fine farewell.

Son of a bitch was right. She tastes like a peach.

Come on, Rommel.

Come on boy.

Hello.

Hello, baby!

Clarence?

You got it!

It's great to hear from you, what's going on?

Well, you're going to be seeing me shortly.

You're coming to LA! When?

Tomorrow.

There's a story behind the letter.

By the way, I won't be alone. I'm bringing my lovely wife.

Get the fuck out of here. Clarence, you got married?

I'm a married man, buddy.

You want to say hello to my better half? Come here.

Hi, Dick. This is Alabama Worley.

How you doing, Alabama Worley?

Clarence told me about you. He said you're his best friend.

So, that makes you my best friend too. Tell him we got to go.

Clarence says we got to go.

Wait, can I speak to Clarence?

Ask him if he got it. Did you get the letter?

What letter?

What letter? Letters.

I didn't get any letter.

Has he gotten his mail yet?

Have you gotten your mail? No, my roommate, Floyd....

Has he looked through it? Have you looked through it?

Tell him to go look through it.

Go and look through it.

Wait, wait, wait. Can I speak to Clarence, please?

He wants to talk to you.

Tell him we got to go. Tell him, "Read the letter".

Read the letter.

Tell him I love him and that as of tomorrow.

Honey, hold this.

As of tomorrow... all your money problems gonna be over.

Hello? What money problems?

Bye-bye.

Hello?

Floyd!

Floyd, you used up the last piece of toilet paper.


Hey! Rommel!

Hey, come here! Rommel!


Frankie.

Tell Luca to go outside and do you know what.

Do you know who I am, Mr. Worley?

I give up. Who are you?

The anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.

You can tell the angels... you never saw evil so singularly personified... as in the face of the man who killed you.

My name is Vincent Coccotti. I work as counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle.

The man your son stole from.

I hear you were once a cop, so I can assume you have heard of us before.

Am I correct?

I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.

I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the how-full-of-shit-am-I question... you been asking yourself.

We're going to have a little Q and A.

And at the risk of sounding redundant, please... make your answers genuine.

Want a Chesterfield?

No.

I have a son of my own, about your boy's age.

I can imagine how painful this must be for you.

But Clarence... and his bitch of a girlfriend, brought this on themselves.

I implore you not to go down that road with them.

You could always take comfort in the fact you never had a choice.

I'd like to help you if I could... but I haven't seen Clarence.

You see that?

That smarts doesn't it? To get slammed in the nose.

Fucks you up. You get the pain shooting through your brain... your eyes fill up with water.

It's not any kind of fun.

But, what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's going to get.

And it won't ever get that good again.

We talked to your neighbors. They saw a Cadillac.

Purple Cadillac.

Clarence's purple Cadillac, parked in front of your trailer yesterday.

Mr. Worley.

Have you seen your son?

I've seen him.

I can't be sure of how much he told you.

In the chance you're in the dark about some of this... let me shed some light. That whore your boy hangs around with....

Her pimp is an associate of mine.

Along with other affairs he works for me in a courier capacity.

Well, apparently... that dirty whore found out we were going to do some business... because your son, the cowboy and his flame, came into the room blazing... and didn't stop, until they were pretty sure everybody was dead.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics.

Hightailed it out of there. Would have got away with it.

But your son, fuckhead that he is... left his driver's license in the dead guy's hand.

You know.

I don't believe you.

That's of minor importance.

What's of major fucking importance is that I believe you.

Where did they go?

On their honeymoon.

I'm getting angry asking the same question a second time.

Where did they go?

They didn't tell me. Now wait a minute and listen to me.

I haven't seen Clarence in three years.

He shows up yesterday... with a young girl, saying that he got married.

He asked for some quick cash... to go on a honeymoon. He asked me if he could borrow $500.

I felt like helping him.

So, I wrote him out a check. We went to breakfast in the morning.

And that's the last I saw of him... so help me God.

They never thought to tell me where they were going.

And I never thought to ask.


Vincenzo, sir.

There's nothing there.

That's not good.

You know.

Sicilians are great liars.

The best in the world.

I'm Sicilian... my father was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars.

From growing up with him, I learned the pantomime.

There are 17 different things a guy can do when he lies... to give himself away. A guy has got 17 pantomimes.

Woman has got 20. Guy has got 17. But... if you know them, like you know your own face... they would beat lie detectors all to hell.

Now what we got here is a game of "Show and Tell".

You don't want to show me nothing. But you're telling me everything.

I know you know where they are. So, tell me... before I do some damage you won't walk away from.

Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?

Sure.

You got a... match? No wait. Don't bother, I got one.

You're Sicilian, huh?

Yeah, Sicilian.

You know....

I read a lot.

Especially things about history.

I find that shit fascinating.

Here's a fact, whether you know it or not.

Sicilians were spawned by niggers.

Come again?

It's a fact. Yeah. You see...

Sicilians have black blood pumping through their hearts.

And if you don't believe me, you can look it up.

Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, you see... the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are niggers.

You see, way back then...

Sicilians were like wops from northern Italy.

They all had blond hair and blue eyes.

But, well....

Then the Moors moved in there... they changed the whole country.

They did so much fucking with Sicilian women.

That they changed the whole bloodline forever.

That is why blond hair, blue eyes... became black hair and dark skin.

You know it's absolutely amazing to me...

to think to this day... hundreds of years later...

that Sicilians... still carry that nigger gene.

Now this....

No, I am quoting history.

It's written, it's a fact. It's written.

I love this guy!

Your ancestors are niggers.

Hey!

And your great, great, great... great grandmother fucked a nigger.

And she had a half-nigger kid. Now... if that is a fact, tell me?

Am I lying?

'Cause you...

you are part eggplant.

Egg! Egg! Egg!

You are a cantaloupe.

That was beautiful.


I haven't killed anybody... since 1984.

Go to this comedian's son's apartment.

Come back with something that tells me where that asshole went.

So I can wipe this egg off my face.

Fix this fucked-up family for good.

Hey, Boss.

Get ready to be happy.

'Morning, everybody. It's 6:22 here in LA. I'm David Perry at KBLU.

Hello?

Floyd.

Can't you answer the door at least for me?

Oh, man, I didn't even hear it.

Hello?

Can't you help me every now and then?

Yes.

You call for a date? Huh?

I knew it was you!

Dick, this is Alabama. Alabama, this is Dick.

Nice to meet you!

How long have you lived here? I'm Alabama.

You look good! This is a great place.

I'm starving. Let's get something to eat.

Who's this? This is Floyd.

Let's go! Come on!

Hey.

Hey. I didn't tell you guys yet?

I had this really, really good audition for T.J. Hooker the other day.

You're going to be on T.J. Hooker? Yeah, the new T.J. Hooker.

Knock on wood.

You get to meet Captain Kirk? You don't meet him in the audition... but if I get the part, hope, hope....

That would be amazing. It'd be cool....

Meeting Captain Kirk, that would be cool.

Here we are.

The honeymoon suite.

You're really in love, aren't you?

For the very first time in my life. Know what that's like?

No.

No.

Shut the fuck up.

What are you doing in LA anyway, huh?

Holy Mary, Mother of God. This shit can't be real.

It'll get you high. What?

I said, it'll get you high.

Hey, we got cable.

Want some wine, sweetheart?

Yeah, just a little bit, I'm not much of a wine gal.

That stuff is fucking real.

This is fucking real, Clarence.

I certainly hope so.

You've got a hell of a lot of cocaine here, man.

I know.

Do you realize how much coke you have?

No, tell me.

I don't know, but it's a fucking lot!

This is DrexI's coke.

No, Drexl is dead, you see. It's Clarence's coke.

And he can do whatever he wants with it. What Clarence wants to do is to sell it.

Then, we'll jump on a plane and spend the rest of our lives spending it.

You got my letter? You lined up a buyer for me?

I'm not Joe Cocaine, okay?

You're an actor.

I hear these Hollywood guys get it delivered to the set.

Well, they do. All right? They do.

Maybe one day, when I'm a successful actor...

I'll be like one of them.

But, until that day, I don't have anything. All right?

I don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out.

All I got is fucking Floyd.

If you want me to help you sell a bit at a time that's all I can do.

No. None of that bit-at-a-time shit.

It's got to be the whole enchilada in one shot.

Clarence, do you have any idea how difficult that'll be?

What the fuck you are talking about?

I'm offering $500,000 worth of white for $200,000. That'll be difficult?

Very difficult. That's very difficult, understand? Listen.

It's difficult because you're selling to a particular group, understand?

Fat cats, big shots. Guys who can afford $200,000.

Guys who can use a whole suitcase full of cocaine.

Basically, Clarence, guys I don't know.

And guys you don't know. And more importantly, they don't know you.

Come on, Dick.

Okay, Clarence.

Listen.

There's one guy that I know... that can help you out, Clarence, but...

I'm not guaranteeing you anything.

Is he big-league?

He's not big-league. Okay?

But he works as an assistant to a very big movie producer named Lee Donowitz.

Lee Donowitz could afford... and can use, $200,000-worth of coke.

Being that that's what you have.

All right, so what did you tell him?

What the fuck do you expect me to tell him?

I didn't know what was bullshit and what wasn't.

And besides, Floyd smoked the second page of the letter. Okay?

What's this acting-class guy's name?

Elliot.

Elliot what?

Elliot Blitzer.

We'll get him on the phone and arrange a meeting... so we can get through all this getting-to-know-you stuff, all right?

Where?

Where should we meet?

Roller coaster.

Roller coasters.

So, you have $500,000-worth of cola that you are unloading for $200,000.

You want an animal cracker?

Thanks.

Wait, save the gorillas.

Thanks.

So, you got...

$500,000-worth of cola... that you're unloading for $200,000.

"Unloading". That's a hell of a way to describe a bargain of a lifetime.

Where did you get it? Where did I get it?

I grow it on my windowsill. The light is really good there.

I'm up high enough off the street so, you know, you can't see it.

It works perfectly.

Yeah.

Where, really, where does it come from?

Where does it come from?

Coco leaves.

You're sick. I'm out of here.

Elliot, chill out.

Come on, sit down here. All right?

We're here, so let's enjoy the ride.

I'll tell you. You have to promise you'll keep it quiet.

If Dick hadn't told me you're good people, I'd say it's none of your business.

This is going to be fun.

Let's go!

The truth of the matter is this: I got a friend in the department.

What department?

What department? What do you think, eight ball?

The police department?

Give the man a prize! About a year and a half ago... my friend got access to the evidence room.

He snagged this coke, but he's a good cop with a family.

He had it for a year and a half 'til he found a guy he could trust.

And he trusts you?

He trusts me, we were in 4-H together. We've known each other since childhood.

I handle sales, he's my silent partner.

He knows, if I get fucked up, I won't drop dime on him.

Okay? No further, you understand?

He's kind of paranoid, I didn't tell you nothing.

You didn't hear anything. I didn't hear anything.

All right! Here we go!

Ride it out, baby!

Yeah!

We're going in for another one! Hang on, Elliot!

Oh, yeah, we got this puppy. This was a good idea.

Elliot looks a little green.

Do I look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass... that tastes like French-vanilla ice cream?

What?

I said, do I look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass... that tastes like French-vanilla ice cream?

No.

No. Then why are you telling me this bullshit?

What, do you want to fuck me?

Clarence.

He's sick, man.

Let me handle this, all right?

Look. You know what? Just get it straight.

Lee is not into taking risks, okay?

He's got a couple of guys, he's been dealing with them for years.

They're reliable, they're dependable, and they're safe.

"Riddle me this, Batman".

If you're so much in love, what are you doing here?

I'm sure you've got better things to do than hanging around on a roller coaster.

Your guy is interested because with that much shit... he could play Joe-fucking-Hollywood until the wheels come off.

He can sell it, he can snort it... he can play Santa Claus with it.

At the price he's paying he'll be able to throw it around.

He'll be everybody's best friend.

I'm not putting him down.

It's his money, let him do what he wants.

But don't expect us to hang around... waiting for you guys to grow some guts, all right?

Jesus.

Yeah, hello.

Hi, Lee.

Elliot, it's Sunday. Can you tell me why I'm talking to you on Sunday?

Don't I see enough of you all week?

I'm with that party that you wanted me to get together with, Lee.

You know who I'm talking about?

I don't believe this. Why are you talking to me... on my phone about that?

Well, because I'm standing with the guy, and he insists on talking to you.

What, are you out of your fucking mind?

He said that if I didn't get you on the phone, that he would leave....

Hello, Lee, it's Clarence. At last, we speak.

First, I want to tell you I'm a big fan of yours.

That's why I want to open Dr. Zhivago in LA.

And I need you and your abilities to distribute it.

I don't know.

Dr. Zhivago is a pretty big movie.

The biggest movie you've dealt with. We're talking a lot of film here.

A man would be an idiot not to be a little cautious about a movie like that.

And, Lee, you're no idiot.

I'm not saying I'm not interested.

It's just, being a distributor is not what I do.

I'm a movie producer, you know?

I'm here to make good movies, nothing more... and nothing, well, maybe less, sometimes.

Hey!

Choose a fucking lane!

Not you, just an idiot... Don't give me the finger!

I'll fucking have you killed!

So, bottom line is I'm not Paramount.

You know what I'm saying?

I got a select few distributors.

I buy their little movies and I accomplish what I want and I get out of there.

Very business-like, very easy, and very little risk.

We're talking Dr. Zhivago. It'll be packing them in. For a year... two years you won't have to deal with anybody else's movie but mine.

Nobody's but yours. Well, what's the rush here?

I want to be able to announce the deal at Cannes.

If I had time for a courtship, I would.

I'd take you out, hold your hand, kiss your cheek.

But I'm not in that position.

I need to know right now if you and I are in bed together or not.

If you want my movie, you must come to terms... with your fear and desire.

Fear and desire, huh, Clarence?

Don't you know that my films have grossed more than $2.8 billion?

Let me talk to Elliot.

You want to talk to Elliot? Let me talk to Elliot.

Elliot. He wants to talk to you.

Hi, Lee.

Elliot, where do you know this guy from?

He's a friend of Dick's, remember?

Who the fuck is Dick?

You want me to suck his dick?

Who the fuck is Dick?

Oh, who the fuck is Dick?

Yeah.

My friend. He's in my acting class.

You told him I'm an actor?

Is he any good? ls he talented, or...? Really?

How does Dick know this guy?

They grew up together.

Okay, Wednesday at the hotel, 3:00.

Bring the whole fucking cast.

Elliot, don't call me here anymore, especially not on Sunday, all right?

What did he say?

Just hold on. Shut up for a second.

Hey, you guys. This is what's going to happen.

Three o'clock, Beverly Ambassador, he wants to see everybody. Okay?

And, he'll talk to you. If after talking to you he likes you... he'll deal with you.

If he doesn't, he'll say, "Fuck you," and walk out of the room.

Did you tell him I was a...? Shut up.

And he wants a sample bag.

No problem on all counts.

Great.

Did you tell him I was an actor?

Yes, I told him.

You told him I was good?

Yeah, I lied.

Hi.

How are you doing? Oh, pretty good.

Dick? Dick Richie? No.

No, he's not here right now.

You live here?

Yes, I do.

You're sort of roommates?

Exactly.

Maybe you can help me, I'm looking for a friend.

Sure.

Clarence Worley from Detroit?

He's hanging with a pretty girl named Alabama?

Yeah, I know them. They've been by here.

You've seen them? Yes.

Are they staying here?

No, they're staying at the...

Safari Motor, Motel Inn. Safari Motel.

Safari Motel. Yes.

How do you know that? I mean, have you been over there?

No, they were here, and they said they were going to go there.

Then they went.

Yeah? Yeah, Safari Motel.

Safari Motel.

You want to watch some TV or something? They might be back.

No, thank you.

Okay.

You take care, I might be back.

Yeah, man. Okay, be cool.

Don't be condescending to me, man. I'll fucking kill you, man.

I'm so proud of you. Did I do my part okay?

Alabama, you were perfect.

Like a ninja?

Like a ninja.

I'm going to go grab us something to eat.

I'll go jump in the tub and get all wet, and slippery, and soapy.

And hop onto that waterbed. And watch X-rated movies... until you get your ass back into my loving arms.

Hurry back now.

We now return to Bullit already in progress.

Hi.

Hi!

Cigarette?

No.

That's a very nice outfit.

This?

I got this in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Alabama, where's our coke? And where's Clarence?

When's he coming back?

I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong room.

My name is Sadie.

We don't have any Coke, but there's a Pepsi machine down the hall.

I don't know anybody named Clarence. Perhaps my husband does.

You can ask him because he'll be home in a minute. He plays football.

He's just at practice.

Give me your hand.

Okay.

You are unbelievably cute.

Thank you. Thanks.

Let me see those eyes.

What a face.

Do me a favor. Turn around for me.

Okay.

No, go the other way.

Okay.

That hurts, don't it?

Get on your feet, sweetie. You ain't hurt that bad.

Now, where's our coke? Where's Clarence?

And when's he comin' back?

Okay.

Fuck you.

Fuck me....

What's the matter, baby, huh?

Can't breathe?

You better get used to that.

Hi.

Smells like hamburgers here.

Tell me, what is the biggest, baddest hamburger you guys got?

Steve's Double Chili Cheeseburger.

Give me two of them bad boys.

Two chili fries. And... two large Diet Cokes.

Anything else?

Come here.

Look at yourself! Take a good look!

Think your boyfriend would go for that shit?

If you do you're fucking stupid. You know that?

You're a very pretty girl.

But you won't be very pretty for very long.

I'll ask you a fucking question. And you give me the right fucking answer!

Now... where's my coke?

Turn around. Turn around!

Answer me!

Come on.

You got a lot of heart, kid.

Yeah, that is a great issue.

You gotten to the story on Elvis yet?

No. I hadn't.

That's probably the best piece I've read on Elvis Presley in my entire life.

Look at this.

See, it tries to pin down... what the attraction is after all these years.

It covers the whole spectrum. Talks to the fans... people who grew up with him and love his music.

Then, there's the fanatics. Right?

I don't know about you, but they give me the creeps.

Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean.

I mean, look at her.

Looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Now the first time you kill somebody, that's the hardest.

I don't give a shit if you're fuckin' wired up, or Jack the Ripper.

Remember that guy in Texas?

The guy up in that fucking tower, killed all them people?

I bet you green money, the first little black dot he took a beat on... that was the bitch of the bunch.

First one is tough. No fucking fooling.

The second one ain't no fuckin' Mardi Gras... but it's better than the first 'cause you still feel the same thing... except it's more diluted.

You know, it's better.

I threw up on the first one, you believe that?

Then the third one.

The third one is easy, you level right off.

That's no problem. Now.... Shit!

Now, I do it just to watch their fuckin' expression change.

I don't fuckin' believe it.

Did you put it under the bed?

Yes.

I can't believe it. You put it under the fucking bed.

I didn't look under the fuckin' bed.

I can't believe you put it there.

I can't believe I didn't look under the bed.

I'm getting fucking old.

Journey's end baby.

Snow at the end of the rainbow.

One less thing I gotta fucking worry about.

This is it, baby.

Moment of truth.

You got a lot of heart, kid, you know that?

You want to play?

Huh? ls that what you want?

You want to play with Daddy?

Come on. Come on I'll give you one shot because I like you.

Stick it in me, baby. Come on stick it in Daddy.

Stick it in me. Go ahead.

Come on!

Come on!

Motherfucker!

All right. No more Mr. Fucking Nice Guy.

Oh, God!

What do you think of that?

What do you think about that, baby?

Wait! Wait!

What?

Why the fuck are you laughing?

You look ridiculous!

Come here! I look fucking ridiculous!

Get up! Laugh it up!

Come on, laugh it up!

You were in hysterics a minute ago, so laugh!

You like that, don't you?

Fuck you!

Shit!


Fuck!

Motherfucker! Alabama, we gotta go! Jesus Christ!

Come on, darling. We gotta get the fuck out of here!

Come on.

The cops are gonna be here any fucking second!

Fuck!

Fuck, come on!

Fuck!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Get the fuck out of the way!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

What? I don't fucking believe this!

Goddamn it! I knew it! I fucking knew it!

I should have my goddamn head examined for driving like this.

Look Carla.... Kandi....

Kandi, you've got to help me.

What can I do?

Take this. Hold this.

-What are you? High? No. -Put this in your purse.

I won't put that shit in my purse.

He won't search you.

Now just put it in your bra! I'm not wearing one.

Please, he's almost here! Just fucking put it in your pants!

No.

You're the one who wanted to drive fast.

Read my lips. No.

Asshole.

After all I did for you, you whore! Who the fuck do you think you...?

Hi.

Look, dickhead. It's your bad luck that we caught you speeding... and it's your bad luck that you had a bag of uncut cocaine.

Not a little vial. A fucking baggy.

Hey, you got caught.

It's all fun until you get caught. Now we got you.

Okay, Mr. Elliot, fucking actor, you just made the big time.

You're no longer an extra... A bit player. a supporting actor.

You're a fucking star.

You'll be playing your one-man show... nightly for the next two fucking years!

For a captive audience.

You'll get out in a few years and meet some old lady.

You'll marry and be understanding to your wife's needs... because you'll know what it's like to be a woman.

You'll only want to fuck her ass 'cause her pussy won't be tight enough.

Good point, Detective. Right?

Fucking faggot!

Krinkle, this is it, and it's all ours. I mean, talk about falling into something....

Would you shut up! I can't understand shit.

What happened? What are you talking about?

Okay, all right.

Patrol car pulls a guy over for speeding.

Suspect is covered with coke... so they bring him to me and Nicholson.

Nicholson and l.

What's the difference?

We go to work on him.

We know something is strange 'cause he... is fucking stupid, and he's got a big bag of coke, and it's uncut.

And you won't believe what he's got to say.

Seems a cop from some department, stole...

$500,000 worth of coke from the property cage....

He sat on the shit for a year and a half.

Now, the cop's got this weirdo... Suspect's words. to front for him.

Our guy, Elliot Blitzer, is making a deal between them and his boss... big-time fucking movie producer named Lee Donowitz.

He did Coming Home in a Body Bag.

A Vietnam movie?

Yeah. Good fucking movie.

Fucking A. Great fucking movie.

So, do you believe him?

I believe he believes him.

This guy is too rattled to be lying.

He'd roll over on his mom, dad, his two-pantied granny... and the King of Siam if he had anything on him.

This guy was a sissy. This rabbit will do anything not to do any time.

You know what he'll do? He'll wear a wire.

He'll wear a wire?

He'll wear a wire, we talked to him.

Dirty cops, we got to get Internal Affairs on this.

I don't care who you bring in.

You can bring in the state enlisted... the ghost of Steve McQueen, ten Roman gladiators.

I don't give a shit as long as me and Todd get credit for the bust.

Listen, we found him. We just want the fucking collar.

That's it. End of story.

You got it.

Did I ever tell you how much I hate airports?

See, I used to live by one back in Dearborn, you know.

Really frustrating living next to an airport when you don't got shit.

And all day long I'm seeing and hearing people doing exactly... what I want to be doing, but couldn't.

What?

Starting new lives, leaving Detroit, vacations, business trips...

fun, fun, fun.

Knowing us, we can jump on any of those planes... and go anywhere we want. Gives me a whole new outlook.

Love how it works out.

You're not kidding. We got lives to start over.

We should go somewhere where we can start from scratch.

I've been in America all my life.

I'd like to see what TV in other countries is like.

Where do you think we should go, my little turtle dove?

Cancun.

Cancun, why Cancun?

It's got a nice ring to it. Sounds like a movie.

Clarence and Alabama Go to Cancun, don't you think?

In my movie, darling, you get top billing.

Don't worry about nothing, all right? It's all going to work out for us.

We deserve it.

You sure that's how you get to the Beverly Ambassador?

Yeah, man, I'm positive.

Let me tell you, if we get lost that's your ass.

Why don't you get out of my beer and get a fucking job?

Yeah, okay.

Can we go? We're out the door.

We must meet Elliot in the lobby.

I'll see we got everything.

You all right?

Yes.

I'm out, Floyd. Are you here? No, he's not here.

Wait, wait, wait!

Come on, Dick!

Somebody here for me.

Hello?

Hey. Hi, Catherine, I was just walkin' out...

What?

Serious?

She said that?

What did she say? Come on, okay?

Yo, Catherine, thank you, thank you.

I'm going to talk to you tomorrow. All right?

We got to go.

I got the part.

Wow!

I got the part.

That's perfect. That's great. That's wonderful.

Didn't even want a callback.

That's cool, way to go!

I got a 7:00 call.

That's great. Come on, let's go.

I want to hear all about it, okay? Come on.

Hey, Clarence!

What?

Nothing. Forget it.

All right, come on.

Hey, get some beer...

and some cleaning products.

I'm losing a fucking fortune over here.

You talkin' to me, you fucking wop, you?


Put your jacket on. Put your jacket on.

Ready? Yeah.

Put your jacket on. One sleeve at a time.

It's a big game, now, Elliot.

It's okay, come on. You all right? No.

Elliot, look at me. Look at me. You comfortable?

Am I comfortable? I've got a... like a, brick in my scrotum.

That's the best place for it, okay?

They won't search your balls.

You think they might see this?

No. It's okay. When you stand up, it'll be okay.

Elliot. Yeah?

Say something.

Okay. Hi. How are you?

My name is Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America.

We're, we're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

Just talk regular, Elliot. I'm sorry.

Elliot, stop fucking around.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

You get that shit?

Remember, we'll be right down the hall monitoring you.

And if somebody does something you can't hear... like puts a gun to my fucking eye?

We've done this a thousand times. We know what we're doing.

Okay? We're the best at.... Now, listen. No fucking around.

Anything happens, we'll be there like fucking gangbusters, ok?

You must remember something.

You don't want to go to jail, right?

No. I don't want to go to jail.

So, what do we got to do?

We got to put your boss in jail, okay?

You do that, and you got to show in court, beyond any reasonable doubt... that this respectable man in the Hollywood community... is dealing cocaine.

We must prove it, and you must do it.

That's what we're doing here.

You're going to be okay, you won't get hurt.

Okay? So what you got to do is to get him... to admit on tape, all right?

That he's buying this coke. Okay, champ?

Get a hold of yourself. Okay.

I'm going to get some coffee.

Alabama, you really got that playing basketball?

Yes, I got an elbow right in the eye. Then...

I got hurled the ball when I'm not looking.

Wham!

Right in my face.

You should be careful.

I should.

What the fuck did you bring that for?

In case.

In case of what?

I don't know, what do you want me to say?

Look, Clarence, Lee Donowitz is not a pimp.

I know that, but one thing this week has taught me... it's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

There he is.

Elliot, your motivation is to stay out of jail.

Easy, easy, easy.

Hi. Hi.

I guess it's about that time. Yeah.

Here we go.

You're an actor. Act, motherfucker.

Elliot. Yeah?

Get on your knees.

Oh, no.

What?

I said get on your knees! What the fuck?

Shut the fuck up! I know what the fuck I'm doing.

You think I'm pretty fucking stupid, don't you? Don't you?

No? Don't you fucking lie to me, you motherfucker!

He's bluffing you, Elliot. Can't you see that?

I want to hear you say...

"You are, without a doubt..."

What's wrong? Shut up!

Say it! I want to hear you say it!

"You are, without a doubt, the dumbest fucker...

"...I've ever seen on this planet".

Say it! Dumb fucker.

Apparently, I'm not as dumb... He didn't do nothing!

I'm not as dumb as you fucking think I am, am I?

What the fuck is waiting for us up there?

What the fuck's waiting for us?

He's going to shoot him.

Tell me, or I'll pump two in your face right here and now.

He's not going to shoot him.

Motherfuck!

He's going to shoot him.

Like Nick Curry said, "If I'm wrong...

"...I'll fucking apologize, all right?"

Something's amiss, I feel it.

If anything strange goes down, you'll be the first one shot.

He didn't do anything, what are you...

Shut up! I'll blow this motherfucker away.

Fuck you!

I wish somebody would come and get me because I don't like this anymore!

Get a hold of yourself, you fucking sissy!

I really wish somebody would just come and take me away! Just take me away!

Hang in there, Elliot, goddamn it!

I can't take this, I'm sorry, but I just can't!

I wish somebody would just come to my rescue... and everything will be all right.

Elliot. Elliot. What?

I'm sorry, all right?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Friends?

What the fuck is with this guy?

Quit playing around.

I wasn't playing around, I just had to be sure.

That's all, that's all. I'm sure now, okay?

I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, man, I like this Clarence kid, this fucking guy is crazy.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Are you Dick Richie?

No.

Do you know a Clarence Worley?

Yes.

Do you know where we can find him? Yes, I do.

Well, where?

At the Beverly Ambassador.

Where's that?

Well....

You go....

No. Yeah, go down...

You guys want to smoke a bowl, or....

Oh. Go down Beachwood... and drive awhile, and then you gotta turn right, okay?

And then you go, and you keep driving and you keep driving.

Hello, Elliot.

Monty.

Are these your friends?

Yeah, yeah, you could say that.

Everybody, this is Monty.

Hi. Come on in. Lee's in the can, he'll be out in a quick.

Holy shit, look at this. Do you believe this?

It's a helicopter.

Sorry, it's nothing personal.

Clarence.

There'll be no need to search me, daredevil.

All you'll find is this right here.

Now what compelled you to bring that along?

The same thing that compelled you guys... to bring heavy artillery to a business meeting.

I'll take that.

Well, you're going to have to.

Oh. Hi.

Everybody's here.

Elliot. Who's who?

That's Dick on the end there.

Oh, that's Dick.

Elliot tells me you're quite gifted.

And, yeah, Alabama in the middle.

Hello.

Clarence on the end.

Lee, this guy is....

Boris, please. I'm meeting people now.

Mr. Donowitz?

Come on. Don't insult me, just call me "Lee".

Lee. Boris, shut the fuck up!

Come on, everybody, don't be shy. Come on in.

Okay, Lee?

Lee. Lee.

That's right, Lee.

I just gotta tell you, I really am a big fan.

Coming Home In a Body Bag is my favorite movie.

After Apocalypse Now, I think it's the best Vietnam movie ever made.

Wow. Thank you very much, Clarence.

Lee. What?

This guy is packing.

Really.

Well, I mean, I've been pretty scared about this whole thing.

I'm fairly confident you're here to do business, so look.

I don't want to be a wise guy.

If you want, I'll lay my gun on the table. It's up to you.

No, I don't think that's necessary.

Boris, be nice. Make everybody some coffee. Okay?

A pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you, too.

Honey, sit down. Relax, relax.

Elliot, you look like shit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's completely disgusting.

If I could get a quick signature, it would be great.

Whatever Bonnie wants.

Like my dailies, there, Clar?

Is that what these are?

You like them? They're great.

They better be, they cost me enough.

What did that day cost me?

$357,000.

Elliot, I swear to God, somebody is stealing from me.

What's this one called, anyway?

It's a sequel to Body Bag.

Really?

We don't have a title yet, but what does Joe like?

Body Bags Two.

Oh. That's imaginative.

I've got more taste in my penis.

This guy is really fucking funny.

Most of these movies that win a lot of Oscars, I can't stand them.

They're safe, geriatric, coffee-table dog shit, you know?

We park our cars in the same garage.

It's all right.

All they make are unwatchable movies from unreadable books.

Mad Max, that's a movie.

The Good The Bad And The Ugly...

Rio Bravo, those are movies.

And Coming Home in a Body Bag, that was a movie.

It was the only movie that won Oscars with balls...

I mean, since Deerhunter.

I don't believe you.

What, do you like a little coffee with your sugar, or what?

Lee, I'm not satisfied until the spoon stands straight up.

Give me a coffee, will you?

My uncle Roger and my uncle Jerry, who were in Nam... saw Coming Home in a Body Bag.

They said that's the most accurate Vietnam film... they had ever seen.

I'll tell you. When veterans in that war say that about my project... it makes the whole thing worthwhile. Here's to you.

My friend, oops, I just met you.

You know why? I think because we got the same interests.

And you know what I'd like to do right now?

I'd like to see Dr. Zhivago.

Where is it?

Is there a fucking doctor in the house, or what?

Hang on a second.

When you see this, you are going to shit.

I better.

What's the guy's name? Donowitz.

Lee, that's all practically uncut. If you so desire... you can cut that a lot more.

Don't worry, I'll desire.

Get me another cup of coffee, will you?

Me, too, Boris.

I have to hand it to you, Clarence, this is not nose garbage.

This is quality stuff.

Perfect merchandise. The only trouble is... when I'm offered a deal that's too good to be true... it's because it's a lie.

Convince me you're on the level.

Convince him.

If he don't bite, we have nothing but possession.

We got lots of sandwich shit back there, make something.

We got pastrami, nice rye.... Anybody want anything?

You, got any aspirin?

Yeah, sure. Get him that.

Well, Lee, it's like this.

You're getting this bargain because I don't know what I'm doing.

You're used to dealing with professionals which I'm not. I'm a rank amateur.

What the fuck is going on? What's going on, Joe?

I can take that, sell it a little at a time... and make a hell of a lot more money.

What's going on, Joe?

Elliot's too far away.

Look, this is the whole ball game, this is the fucking ball game!

I'm not saying that you're a drug dealer, but you're a fucking movie producer.

And you got access to all kinds of money and shit like that.

Shit. Oh, Joe... you are fucking killing me. Wait, wait.

There, wait, quiet.

Now, I can't get a million for it, but you can.

So I'll sell it to you for $200,000. You go make a million with it.

Shit, it's all found money to me anyway, you know?

There he is.

Me and my wife, we're minimum-wage kids, you know?

$200,000. It means the world to us.

Elliot tells me that you're fronting for a dirty cop.

Elliot wasn't supposed to tell you anything.

He's not a dirty cop, he's a good cop.

He saw his chance and he took it, that's all.

Why does he trust you?

Well, we grew up together, that's why.

If you don't know shit, then why does he think that you can sell it?

I bullshitted him.

You're nuts!

He's a wild man, this kid, Clarence. I like him.

You're wild, I love it. Hey, Lee.

I love this guy, he bullshitted him, you believe this kid? I love him.

Elliot, I love this kid. Monty, get the money.

That's it, fellas, let's get these son of a bitches.

Now wait, wait. I completely forgot, excuse me.

What's your part in this again? I'm his wife.

Oh, you're the wife, right.

Clarence, Clarence.

What, did you beat her?

No, she got that playing basketball.

What's the matter with you? I'm sorry.

Why are you here?

I'm an actor.

Dick, if you were just a fucking actor, you would never have got in the room.

I'm friends with Elliot.

He's your friend? You got problems.

All right.

It's all right. Elliot knows me.

Elliot, here.

Call Joe and tell him that the production manager reports... he's taking 30 cents of every dollar... and putting it in his pocket.

Don't you want to count your money?

No, she can count it. I'm going to the bathroom.

Give it to her.

I gotta hand it to you, Clarence.

I was cool? Man, you were cooler than cool.

Oh, my God, I forgot my fucking vest.

Stupid.

Cody, on three.

One. Two. Three!

Put your guns down!

Get down on the floor!

Drop your gun!

Drop your guns and back away!

Both of you put the fucking guns on the floor now!

Fuck you!

All you pigs! Put your guns on the floor!

Monty! Are you, nuts? Do what they say!

This is your last chance!

Fuck you, this is your last chance!

Boris.

We could kill you all and you know it.

Get down on the fucking floor!

Boris, shut the fuck up! We're all going to die here, these are cops.

So, they're cops. Who gives a shit!

Hey, Lee, something I never told you. I hate fucking cops!

All right, let's be nice guys, come on.

Let's be nice. We don't want anyone to die.

You look like a blond Frankenstein.

Put your gun down, you son of a bitch!

211?

Yeah, 211.

Here you go, Mad Dog.

Holy shit!

Motherfucker!

Who are these guys?

Put your fucking guns down! Put'em down!

Put'em down motherfucker!

Fuck you!

Put the fucking guns down.

How do you really think I'm doing with Lee?

Are you kidding man, he loves you.

You don't think I'm kissing his ass, do you?

You're saying what he wants to hear.

That ain't the same as kissing his ass.

I saw Coming Home in a Body Bag, I loved it, I'm not lying to him.

No, that's why it's not ass-kissing.

What you're doing is genuine.

And he knows it.

I like you, Clarence.

Always have.

Always will.

Put them down now!

Put'em down!

Put those guns down, motherfuckers!

Officer Dimes. Officer Dimes.

Put'em down, motherfucker! Put'em down!

Officer Dimes!

What?

Officer Dimes!

What?

This has nothing to do with me anymore, right?

Okay.

So, I'm just going to leave.

And you guys just settle this by yourselves.

Just shut up and stay the fuck put, Elliot!

How do you know his name?

Why the fuck did he know your name?

You little piece of shit!

You can forget about acting for the next 20 years!

Your fucking career is over!

Take your fuckin' SAG card and burn it!

You little cocksucker!

I treated you like a son! You fucking stabbed me in the heart!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Motherfucker, don't touch him! Motherfucker!

Fuck you!

Cody!


Clarence!


Sweetie!

Sweetie!

Baby!

Okay, you with the shotgun, behind the couch! Come out!

Screw yourself in the ass!

The guy is a wop!

I said come out from behind the couch, you ginny. Now!

Son of a whore!

I said to come out from behind the couch. Okay? Capisce?

Wait, wait....

Nice and slow!

Here I come.

Shit! The guy hit me.

Son of a bitch shot me!

Sweetie!

Don't you die on me.

You're going to be okay.

I need an ambulance!

I need an ambulance!

Fuck you! I'll blow this bitch's brains to kingdom come!

I need an ambulance!

Shut up.

Fuck you, I'm bleeding!

I'll call you a hearse.

This is for Cody.

Fuck you!


Honey, you're alive!

I can't see.

Honey, you have blood in your eye. Come on.

Fuck you! I want a car. Take me to the airport!

And I want it full of gas!

And a million bucks! Small bills! And fast!

I am going to do this bitch, motherfuckers!


Amid the chaos of that day... when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots... and all I could smell was the violence in the air...

I look back and am amazed... that my thoughts were so clear and true.

That three words went through my mind endlessly.

Repeating themselves like a broken record.

You're so cool.

You're so cool.

You're so cool.

And sometimes Clarence asks me what would I have done if he had died.

If that bullet had been two inches more to the left.

To this, I always smile.

As if I'm not going to satisfy him with a response.

But I always do.

I tell him of how I would want to die.

But that the anguish and the want of death would fade... like the stars at dawn.

And that things would be much like they are now.

Perhaps.

Except maybe I wouldn't have named our son...

Elvis.

# Yeah #

# Yes, I've never been to Graceland #

# Never took that trip #

# No, I never been to Vegas 'cept once on a plane #

# I never left the airport #

# Ain't goin' back again #

# Yes, I've never been to Graceland #


# In my life #


# To be alone #


# But I just don't know #

# - Haven't you heard Haven't you heard #

# Guess we're just 2 wounded birds #

# Now we're both here #

# And we're alone #

# We still don't know #

# What it takes Oh, girl #

# We wanna feel love #

# We're just so scared #

# I know we've got nothing #

# - But haven't you heard Haven't you heard #

# I guess we're just 2 wounded birds #

# Oh, we wanna say it #

# - And can't find the words Can't find the words #

# I guess we're just 2 wounded birds #


# You say that ain't though, I get you, I can't get enought, Get it #

# Get it, get it #

# Get it #


# Little bitty tear let me down #

# Spoilin' my act as a clown #

# I was all made up not to frown #

# But a little bitty tear let me down #

# A little bitty tear let me down #

# Spoilin' my act as a clown #

# You said you were leavin' tomorrow #

# That today was our last day #

# I said there'd be no sorrow #

# That I'd laugh when you walked away #

# A little bitty tear let me down #

# Spoiled my act as a clown #

# I had it made up not to make a frown #

# But a little bitty tear let me down #


# You know what i like #

# Chantilly lace and pretty face. #

# A ponytail hangin' down #

# A wiggle in the walk and a giggle in the talk, Lord #

# Make the world go 'round #

# Make me act so funny Make me spend my money #

# Make me feel real loose like a long-necked goose #

# Oh, baby that's-a what I like #


# I got up feelin' so down #


# No stars in the sky #

# The night seems so dark around you #

# You won't say a word #

# And wonder why no one's found you #

# Waiting for love #

# Praying for love again #

# Love's a heavy weight #

# Give it to me Don't hesitate #

# Love's a heavy thing #

# Too heavy for one heart #

# To bring me your love #

# Give me your love again #

# It's not your fault #

# One heart can never win #

# It takes two hearts #

# Two hearts just to hold love #

# Two hearts #

# Two hearts just to hold your love #

# Your love #


# And if your heart should ache #

# Remember me #

# And if your heart should break #

# Two hearts #

# Two hearts They can mend it #

# Heartache #

# Heartaches can be mended by love #

# By love #

# Love's a heavy weight #

# Give it to me Don't hesitate #

# Love's a heavy thing #

# Too heavy for one heart #

# To bring me your love #

# Give me your love again #

# It's not too late #

# One heart can never win #

# It takes two hearts #

# Two hearts just to hold love #

# Two hearts #

# Two hearts just to hold your love #

# Your love #

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