'Twas the Night (2001) Script

BOY: “'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.”

(CHILD SCREAMING)

BOY: “The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...”

(WHIRS)

(CLATTERING)

BOY: “In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.”

And he was. Right there. In my house.

The real Santa. Alive.

That's right, the bearded one really exists.

But I'm getting a little ahead of my story here.

Let's go back, a little earlier.

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the pad, -Okay! -BOY: ...everyone was at home, even workaholic ol' Dad.

-And Mom in the kitchen -(ALARM BEEPING)

-Oh! -BOY: ...cooking still like a rookie.

-(SIZZLING) -BOY: Scorching the backs

-of the gingerbread cookies. -ABBY: Oh, no.

BOY: And then there's my sister, a parents' delight.

Annoying, bad-tempered, and obnoxiously bright.

And precious little Peter, the family loves him the most.

If he comes into my room one more time he'll be toast.

Then there's me, handsome and true.

The best at everything that anyone can do.

Intelligent, witty, there is no doubt.

Kind, compassionate...

Peter, get out.

But, Danny...

What's the rule about coming in my room?

Never come in your room.

But Dad wants to know when you want to decorate the tree.

I want to decorate the tree on Christmas Eve, like every other year we've ever decorated Christmas trees in this family.

But it is Christmas Eve.

It's not Christmas Eve, doofus. That's tomorrow.

-Now close the door. -Okay, whatever you say.

Christmas Eve.

-(RAPID BEEPING) -(EXPLOSION)

Christmas Eve?

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Oops.

-Danny: There's a problem with Christmas, -(INAUDIBLE)

DANNY: ...when your wallet is light.

You can't stand your father, and your sister is just... a little too bright.

You must turn to the one who gets you out of your funk, Just sell your little brother a whole bunch of... junk.

Hey, sweetie. What's all that stuff?

I've been Christmas shopping.

-ABBY: Shopping? Where? -PETER: Danny's room.

Daniel Francis Wrigley, get out here now!

Uh-oh.

(TICKING)

What about my no-returns policy?

Danny, you are not allowed to shake down your little brother.

He wasn't shaking me. He was being nice.

Pete, he was taking advantage of you, And he ought to be ashamed of himself.

Don't hold your breath.

-Stick a sock in it, Katy. -JOHN: Danny!

What? Okay. Please stick a sock in it.

But, Mom, I want all that stuff.

DANNY: See? Who's the victim here?

He's not complaining.

Come on, it's just like Uncle Nick says, I'm just helping him share the wealth.

JOHN: Uncle Nick, huh?

It's too bad it's always someone else's wealth that Uncle Nick is so eager to share.

No. Uncle Nick is the bomb.

He is, okay? You just don't understand him.

ABBY: Danny, Nick's got a lot of good qualities, yes, but he's not exactly a good role model for you, all right?

JOHN: He's a con artist. DANNY: He's an entrepreneur.

JOHN: Right, okay. He's a con artist with a laptop.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

ABBY: It's not a matter of the presents, it's a matter of taking advantage of your little brother.

He looks up to you the same way you look up to Nick.

-PETER: Aah! -(SMASHING)

Oh, Peter. What are you doing?

You said it was family money.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, buddy.

Danny's our family and he needs it. I was just sharing the wealth.

Okay, that's weird.

I can see his lips moving, but I can hear Danny talking.

It's okay, Danny.

You can shake me down if you want to, I like it.

Do me a favor, Pete. Just don't, like, uh... say that in front of anyone, ever again. Okay?

DANNY: Uncle Nick is by far the coolest person in this family.

I don't even know how he and Dad could be from the same parents.

You're the coolest, Danny.

I appreciate that, little dude, but, um...

I got a long way to go to measure up to Uncle Nick.

I bet he's someplace right this minute making a major big-bucks business deal.

DANNY: He probably has 'em begging for mercy.

I'm begging you, please don't hurt me.

MAN: All right, Nick. Where's your office?

But this is my office.

MAN 2: Well, then, where are all your highly-skilled employees, Nick?

-Out to lunch? -(MAN EXCLAIMING)

Okay, it's just me, me and my computer.

What are you guys gonna do with me? Who are you guys?

We guys are the guys that got swindled by your phony website, Nick.

Yeah. I guess the name should've tipped us off, realfastdough.com.

-(CLATTERING ON FLOOR) -You two knuckleheads?

Oh, come on, Bill. Let me slap him.

Let me give him some of that mama's kitchen discipline.

No, Harry. No, no, no, no.

Slapping him will not get back the $30,000 he bilked us out of, with his bogus little business offering.

How did I get tied up?

BOTH: We ask the questions here!

Where's our money?

Fine. I'll tell you.

First, I put your money into a safe long-term CD, then I shifted the capital into a real up-and-coming IPO.

Made a killing!

Flipped it the same day into some mutual funds, blue chip stocks--

Nick, please! Where is it?

Well, there is a measure of risk in every investment.

-BOTH: It's gone. -I ju--

(GROANS) So, Nick...

You did it all here on your nifty little laptop, huh?

Oh, that's nice, very, very nice.

NICK: Yes, please be careful of Lappy. It's very sensitive.

Sensitive? Nick's got a sensitive computer.

(BOTH LAUGH)

You ever see what happens when you pour a hot cup of cocoa

-over a sensitive computer, Nick? -(NICK GRUNTS)

-It ain't pretty. -No, don't, not to Lappy!

-My whole life is on that thing! -(CHAIR RATTLING)

All my account numbers and contacts, businesses.

-All your scams you mean, Nick. -NICK: What scams?

-Oh! -NICK: Okay!

Okay, those too. Just please, don't damage my computer.

(STAMMERING) And, and don't hurt me.

Oh, we're not gonna hurt you or your computer, Nick.

No. We're gonna leave that to our vice president of collections, -Eliot. -Oh, boy.

Another one like you. I don't think I can take--

Eliot?

-That's me. -(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

Nice to meet you.

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(ALL SCREAM)

-(CRUNCH) -(NICK GASPS)

Thirty large, in cash, Christmas morning, or you, Nick, are the cocoa.

(NASALLY) I understand, I understand. Okay, please.

Oh, that's hot.

Oh, did Billy burn himself? It's okay. Let Harry blow. Let Harry blow.

Now go untie him!

Okay. Okay.

-Okay. Ow! -(CRUNCH)

(NICK SNIFFS) Uh, guys, wait.

Uh, I'm gonna need Lappy if you want me to make any headway on your cash.

-No, I don't-- -(TUTS)

Okay, Nick. You can have it.

Thank you. (COUGHS)

BILL: And Nick...

Don't try to leave town, either, okay?

Or Eliot here will start by disabling your precious hard drive there, and then he's gonna work his way up to you.

Yeah.

I'm not leaving town.

Game's over.

It's time to get out.


NICK: Whoa!

(WHIMPERS)

(HIGH PITCHED WHIMPERS)

Ooh!

(GROANS)

Man: Okay, you got it? Here we go, quick.

All right, on two. Ready?

(SQUEALS)

(NICK YELLS)

Come on!

MAN: Hey!

CHILDREN CHANTING: We want Santa! We want Santa!

We want Santa!

(CHANTING AND CHATTER)

(NICK GRUNTS)


Murray, hurry up, there's about a thousand brats waiting for us out there.

(CHILDREN CHANTING)

Hey, you, elf. You see someone go in there?

(PANTS)

NICK: Oh, great.

What now, nick?

Murray.

(WHISTLING)

Just in the nick of time.

MURRAY: Hey! What the--

Come here!

CHILDREN CHANTING: We want Santa!

-NICK: Oh! -You!

Your elf's waiting for you.

(DEEPLY) Oh! Yes, yes!

(CHUCKLES) Well, uh, thank you, Eliot.

Hey, how do you know my name?

Well, I'm Santa, am I not?

Ho ho ho! (CHUCKLES)

-NICK: Have you been a good boy? -Of course I've been a good boy.

Have you really?

(MUFFLED) Yes.

Okay.

ELF: Here he is, the guy you've been waiting for... Santa!

Santa?

NICK: Everybody... Just be good for goodness sakes!

Uh, hello? Where you goin'?

Gotta find a place to hide out. But where?

Murray! Where you goin'?

ELF: Don't leave me alone with these kids.

There's no place like home. (CHUCKLING)

There's no place like home! Ho ho! All right!

-JOHN: Okay, everybody ready? -Yup.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

"in the hopes that Saint Nicholas

-"soon would be there." -(DOORBELL RINGING)

-Oh, who on earth would that be? -Nobody move.

-Maybe it's Saint Nicholas. -JOHN: I don't think so, Peter.

Saint Nick doesn't usually come to the front door.

Ho ho ho!

(LAUGHS) Santa? Are you sure you got the right house?

Well, 300 Walnut. Oh...

Something's here. Oop.

-Nick? -(NICK LAUGHS) Saint Nick today. Woo!

(ABBY LAUGHS) Nick! What on earth are you doing here?

Hello, gorgeous.

How do you manage to stay so young and pretty

-married to this stick-in-the-mud, huh? -ABBY: Oh!

-PETER: Uncle Nick! -NICK: Oh, it's Peter cottontail!

-Hey, I don't have a cotton tail. -Oh, no? Then what is this, huh?

-(PETER GIGGLES) -(NICK CHUCKLES)

Oh... Abby, where's Kaitlin?

And who is this runway model we have here?

-Stop! -Well, look at you. You're all grown up.

(JOHN SIGHS)

Well, there he is. Dan the man.

(BELLS JINGLING)

(BOTH MAKE KUNG FU MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS)

-Dude, how you doin'? -Great!

-Did you get my e-mail? -NICK: Yes, I did.

-I must compliment you on your choices. -Oh, look at them together.

-Yeah? -And may I say that I love Tibet.

-That's great. -The Himalayas are just outstanding, And I'm so down with Oaxaca. Very cool pyramids.

But I see your first summer after high school graduation

-in the principality of Monaco. -Monaco?

-Oui, Oui. -Monaco? Oh, for...

NICK: Soaking up the rays on the beach by day

-and sticking it to the casinos by night. -(SIGHS)

I call it "the killer Bs," beaches, babes, and big bucks.

-Oh, I could go with that. -I could go with that!

-(BOTH LAUGH) -Okay, here we go.

(BOTH) One, two, three, go.

-(DANNY GROANS) I got you! -Oh, man! You're getting faster.

-What's that, been practicing now? -No, no.

-Incoming! -Whoo! Whoo!

(LAUGHS) Oh!

Oh, come on, little brother.

Don't pretend you're not happy to see me.

Oh, of course he's happy to see you.

It's just we weren't expecting you, Nick.

The Spanish weren't expecting the inquisition, but that didn't stop Torquemada.

(BOOK THUDS)

You know, it's not fair that you got all the brains

-and I got stuck with just good looks. -(KAITLIN LAUGHS)

What are you doing here, Nick?

-What, honestly? -If that's possible.

Well, there's no place like home for the holidays, is there?

And there's no place I'd rather spend some quality time than right here, with my favorite niece and nephews.

Why is it I have trouble believing that story?

-NICK: Who's up for some house hockey? -(PAGER BEEPS)

-NICK: Let's go! -Me!

Okay, how did we set it up last time? Oh, that's right, right around here.

-PETER: Can I be goalie? -NICK: You're goalie!

(GROANS) There's been a major outbreak of that new reindeer flu.

-The emergency room's overrun. -Oh, no, John. Not tonight of all nights?

Well, that's what I get for marrying a doctor.

That's what you get for being a doctor, because they're calling everybody.

-What? -(beeping)

-That'll be you. -Oh, no.

Why, both of us?

-(BEEPING) -It's Christmas Eve.

-(KIDS SHOUTING) -What are we supposed to do with the kids?

-We can't leave them on their own. -PETER: I scored!

(KIDS CONTINUE PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.

No...

No.

ABBY: It'll be fine. Nick is not a bad guy.

I think he's trying to mend fences. Give him a chance. It is Christmas.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

"in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there."

Don't hold your breath.

Hey, chill out Katy, 'cause some of us like believing in impossible things.

He believes in you. Isn't that enough?

KAITLIN: I was about five when I figured it all out.

The whole present-delivery setup thing seemed kind of fishy, so I did the math.

For Santa to get to all the world's children on Christmas Eve, he would have to travel at about 650 miles per second.

KAITLIN: I mean, that's 300,000 times the speed of sound.

Wow. That's pretty fast for a heavyset dude.

KAITLIN: Oh, but that would also explain why nobody ever sees him.

Because he'd be going so fast, we'd look like living statues to him.

(SIGHS) But you know that's physically impossible, so...

So there is no Santa Claus?

No! You know, Pete, there is a Santa Claus.

Just ignore everything she says. She's just trying to show off.

Can you believe teachers give out A's for junk like that?

All right, guys, we're off. Good night, you.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry!

Good night. Sorry about this, honey.

-Hey, you. Good night. -PETER: It's okay, Momma.

-NICK: Mmm? -Ha! Yeah.

-Thank you very much, Nick. -No problem.

-ABBY: I'll go get the car. -Thanks.

NICK: Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

Er...."The children were nestled all snug in their beds--"

JOHN: That's not such a bad idea, you know?

Maybe you guys ought to hit the sack early tonight.

-Aw! -What?

-Dad! -Aw, Dad!

Hey, the sooner you get to bed, the sooner Santa comes.

We're not done with the book yet.

Ah, thank you, Uncle Nick.

Come on, guys. Hugs, kisses. Let's go, off to bed.

See ya, buddy.

Come on, you guys. Give me a big one.

-PETER: It's not fair. -Oh, it's not fair, oh!

And you know what? I'm gonna hang on to this for you.

-(POP) -PETER: But, Dad--

You can have it back tomorrow.

-Bye, Dad. -Goodnight, sweetheart. Have a good sleep.

-(HE GROANS) -Have fun at the hospital.

Oh, thank you very much. Come on, Danny. You, too.

What?

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -Dad, it's not even nine o' clock.

DANNY: You gotta be kidding me. Dad, come on.

I wanna stay up with Uncle Nick and then hang out.

We got stuff to talk about.

We can hang with Uncle Nick when we're all together.

I would like you up in your room.

You can catch up on some of your reading, please.

-Look, I'll go to bed when you want me-- -JOHN: Get to your room right now!

Now, you should be totally grounded for all the stuff you pulled today.

(SIGHS) Come on, let's go.

(SCOFFS) It's...

Merry Christmas.

(SIGHS)

NICK: Rule with a steady hand, John.

Dad would be proud.

I hate doing that.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Don't worry. I've got it all under control.

You go do your thing. I'm proud of you, little bro.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(KNUCKLES CRACK)

NICK: "Insufficient funds on deposit."

Duh!

If I had the money, I wouldn't need the loan.

(GROANS)

(LAPTOP BEEPING)

All righty.

Could be a potential investor.

Oh, Uncle Nicko needs a break.

Oh, we're getting there, we're getting there.

We're getting him. The shark has found its prey!

Hello, Nick! You rotten little worm.

Did you forget we have your e-mail address?

And don't think you can cut us off, either, Wrigley, 'cause we're tracking you and we're about to find you right now.

(HARRY LAUGHS) I think we're in here!

Come on, do something. Do something.

-(HARRY AND BILL LAUGHING) -HARRY: We'll find you right now!

Dare I?

I dare.

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -NICK: The Wrigley super virus.

Invented for just this occasion.

(VOICE TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP)

Bye-bye!

-HARRY: I'm having a melt-down! -NICK: That'll scramble their hard drive.

And every other working computer within 50 miles.

Man: Whoa! Albert! Albert! I can't seem to control this thing!

It's descending much too quickly! Whoa! Albert, help me! Help me!

Swanson? No.

(THUD)

(NICK MUMBLING)

(LOUD THUD, CLATTERING)

(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING ACROSS ROOF)

-Hey. -That was you.

-No. I thought it was you. -(LOUD THUMPING)

-Or maybe a squirrel? -(THUMPING CONTINUES)

If he's a squirrel, he's the size of a Saint Bernard.

-(DRAGGING AND CREAKING ROOF) -Hold on.

(CLATTERING)

(NICK SQUEALS)

(CREAKING AND PATTERING)

Do you see wh--


SANTA: Hm.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

All right, Albert, I'm in.

ALBERT: Good work, Santa. Now you gotta look for their computer.

-You see anything around? -I see it, yes. Yes.

-ALBERT: Okay, you wanna go over there. -Yes.

ALBERT: You're looking for something that's flashing or whatever, You're gonna put it in the thing that looks like a trash can.

-Now what? -ALBERT: Just move it over there.

(SANTA SIGHS) Okay, yes... Yes.

(POOF)

-That's it? -ALBERT: That's it.

-That little thing grounded us? -ALBERT: Sorry. That's it.

I'm telling you Albert, this fancy technology is more trouble than it's worth.

-ALBERT: It's just a back-up. -I know. I know it's just a back-up.

Well, next year the reindeer are lining up for flu shots like the rest of us.

-ALBERT: Well, actually-- -Right... Albert!

I've got to get to work now. I'm hanging up.

-ALBERT: Okay! -Good-bye.

(SIGHS)

Well, I might as well begin here. (SIGHS)

Let's see now... The Wrigleys.

Ah, yes.

Peter, nice.

Kaitlin, nice.

And Dan... Oh, Danny.

On the "naughty" list again, Danny, huh?

And I bet you've been no help in steering your nephew in the right direction, have you, Mr. Nick-on-the- naughty-list-for-life?


(WHIRRING)

-SANTA: Whoa! -(SMASHING)

...What I saw? (YELLS)

-Whoa! -What? What?

(NICK STAMMERING)

(STAMMERS) How'd you get in here? What...

-Who are you? -SANTA: Um... Um, don't worry.

It's not what you think. No. Um, I, uh...

Uh, uh, you're just hallucinating, uh.

SANTA: Yeah. I'm not really here. You're dreaming. Yes. Um...

-Look over there. -BOTH: Yeah!

(NICK YELLS)

SANTA: Ah!

(THUD)

(THUD)

-NICK: Danny... -DANNY: Yeah?

Stay away from the eggnog.

-(THUD) -Would you stop kicking him?

What if he's still awake?

(WHISPERING) Stop! I think it's him.

DANNY: It's him, isn't it?

It's the real him.

No. No, it's not the real him because there's no such thing as the real him.

Well, then who is him? Where did he come from?

NICK: I don't know, but, uh...

I'm sure that there is a logical explanation for this.

-Logical explanation? -(TING)

-(CREAKING) -(SQUEALS)

(HIGH PITCHED NICK SQUEALS) Maybe not!

Whoa! What the-- I gotta lay off the eggnog.

(WHIMPERS)

Uh... Danny!

(NICK GIGGLES)

Did you happen to push a button on that... ball?

-This? -NICK: Yes!

(STAMMERS) I, I think so.

Well, press... another... button!

(WHIRRING)

-(HISSING) -(CREAKING)

(DANNY EXCLAIMS)

Oh!

Okay.

(SHAKILY) Wow! May I see that?

Oh...

This is the real Santa Claus.

A real... dead Santa Claus.

Oh, he's not dead. He's just unconscious.

-NICK: He'll be okay. -Well, what about Christmas?

What about Christmas?

Christmas? (STAMMERING) It...it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah?

Well, if this is all real and he's the real Santa, then he's gotta deliver all these presents tonight.

But if he's knocked out too long, he's not gonna be able to deliver any presents.

I mean, there won't be a Christmas. What are we gonna do?

Calm down, okay? First of all... We are gonna do nothing.

NICK: Nada. Zippo.

Okay, this whole Christmas thing? That's not our problem. That's his gig.

I mean, if you wanna tote around a heavy bag full of presents for people you don't even know, (CHUCKLING) well, that's fine with me, but, uh-uh.

-DANNY: Yeah, but it's-- -(TING)

It's what? Hmm?

What?

Danny?

(GASPS) Oh, no! Okay, uh...

(NICK WHIMPERING)

(NICK WHIMPERING AND SQUEALING)

(ECHOING WHIMPERING CONTINUING)

Huh.

(SCREAMS)

(NICK GASPS)

Whoa! (EXHALES)

Oh!

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Wow!

Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

-So... Goin' high tech, huh, Santa? -(BEEPING)

-(SLEIGH POWERING UP) -Oop.

(RAPID BEEPING)

(NICK SQUEALS) Whoa!

(YELLS)

-Off. -(CLANKING)

-(SLEIGH POWERS DOWN) -Wow!

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh! Um...

Uh, uh...

(NICK WHOOPING AND GIGGLING)

Oh! (BREATHES SHAKILY)

Oh! This has possibilities.

Oh. Oh, uh...

(TING)

...Christmas we really should do something.

You know, you make a very good point.

What if we pick up the gauntlet and selflessly fulfill Santa's miraculous mission ourselves?

-Really? -Really.

But you were just saying that you didn't want to have anything to do with it.

That was then. This is now. You made me see the light.

And you don't want all the kids in the world to go presentless, do you?

No, no. But I guess I'm just a little confused.

Santa's got a flight controller on his sleigh that's not too much different from the one I got you for your last birthday.

How do you know he has a flight controller on his sleigh like that?

I saw it. It's up on... You will not believe...

Trust me. You'll see it.

Listen, you're the whiz at all these computer games, not me, so you'll be the pilot. I'll just deliver the presents.

We'll be a team. We'll be heroes.

-We'll save the day! -(TUMMY SLOSHING)

This is it, man.

(NICK LAUGHS)

This is our first adventure. This is what we've always talked about.

-Yeah? -Are you with me, partner?

-Yeah. -Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Wait. What about Kaitlin and Peter? We can't just leave them alone.

Well, they're not alone. He's here.

NICK: I mean, unconscious or not, He's still a bona fide adult, right?

And besides, by the time they wake up in the morning, we'll have already been back, woken up the big guy from his little nap, and collected whatever reward we are sure to get for saving Christmas!

-(LAUGHS) Huh? -Yeah!

Yeah!

-DANNY: Whoa! -(NICK WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)

(NICK WHOOPING)

-(LAUGHS) -BOTH: Whoa!

Whoa! This is like a really cool video game.

-Yeah! -Except you get bugs in your teeth.

(LAUGHS) Whoo! We're smokin'!

-(NICK LAUGHING) Oh, baby! -(BEEPING)

Where are we going?

Well, I thought we'd start on the east side of town, the gold coast.

You know, those rich kids get so many presents, I figured if we dump their stuff first, we'd lighten our load.

-Good thinking. -Ah, well, you know.

Okay, hang a right.

(NICK WHOOPING)

Huh?

Uncle Nick!

-Uncle Nick. -(SNORES)

(HIGH PITCHED SCREAM)

DANNY: It looks like all you have to do is... reach your hand in the bag, pull it out, and you'll have the right present.

NICK: Cool!

(BUZZING)

Listen, you're delivering a present to a girl named Kathy.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Now, she wanted a real pony for Christmas.

She was naughty 13 times this year, So she gets... an ant farm.

-(NICK ECHOING) Aw, that's cold, man. -Yeah.

DANNY: So once you have the present, just put it under the tree, take the bally-wally and zap it.

Gotcha.

Ah.

Gotcha.

NICK: No, no, don't get up. I won't be a minute.

Now... Ooh!

NICK: I like. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Gotcha.

Ole! (GIGGLES)

NICK: Okay, now...

(TING)

(RATTLES)

Ho ho ho! Spreading the wealth.

Oh, lovely little things. Spreading the wealth.

-(HIGH PITCHED PIANO NOTE) -Ooh. Nice tune.

(BUZZING)

Let's boogie. (LAUGHS)

(THUDS)

-What-- -What's wrong?

-Nothing. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

NICK: That's you! (LAUGHS) Look at that.

-I looked up myself on the database. -Cool.

Yeah. "Daniel Wrigley. Shakes down his brother.

Spends most of his time scamming."

-(SCOFFS) -Santa thinks I'm bad.

I can't believe it.

Though that would explain the Greatest Disco Hits of the Seventies CD I got last year.

Wait a minute. I like that CD.

You know what the problem with people like Santa is?

Trust me, I know a million of these kinda guys, all high and mighty, the big boss.

But who is Kris Kringle anyhow, huh? I mean, how did he get this job?

I don't remember voting for him. Do you? Who is he to judge?

Now, I say that it's our turn to call the shots.

We'll decide who gets what for Christmas. Are you with me?

-Hm? -Yeah.

-You bet your life, yeah. -(BOTH SNAP FINGERS)

(WHIRRING)

KAITLIN: Who do you think he is? PETER: I don't know.

(KAITLIN AND PETER GASP)

All right, big guy!

Who are you and what have you done with my brother and Uncle Nick?

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

-Ah! -Ah!

His beard's real, anyway.

Of course it's real. I'm Santa Claus.

I think he is.

Oh, please! First of all, there's no such thing as Santa.

And second of all, even if there was, he wouldn't be caught dead in any house with Danny Wrigley in it.

Is that so, Kaitlin? Well, you're not so angelic yourself.

Or perhaps you didn't think I saw you copy that answer off Ricky Garibaldi's spelling test in the third grade?

(PETER CHUCKLES)

And you can forget about that brontosaurus I asked for in second grade.

PETER: My parents were right. The backyard is too small.

Thank you, Peter. Oh!

(GROANS) I haven't felt this bad since the tainted eggnog

-(DOOR OPENING) -...outbreak back in '06.

Yup, it's gone. Nothing on the roof but the chimney.

SANTA: Oh, dear.

Where in heaven's name could my sleigh have gone?

(LAUGHS) It's not all that hard to figure out, Santa.

I mean, valuable sleigh, missing big brother...

-Danny probably copped it. -What?

Lifted it? Stole it?

-(GASPS) -Danny wouldn't steal Santa's sleigh.

Then where'd it go, Peter? It didn't just disappear.

-Yes, it did. You don't know anything. -SANTA: Now, children, I'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Perhaps Danny, thinking I was incapacitated, is simply trying to deliver all the toys. Save Christmas.

Danny as Santa's helper? That'll be the day.

KAITLIN: Between him and Uncle Nick, the only thing they've ever--

SANTA: Nick?

Nick Wrigley has my sleigh? Oh, my.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my! That'll never do.

I mean, Danny, why, he's a little naughty from time to time, but Nick Wrigley is incorrigible!

-Oh, dear. -(VELCRO RIPPING)

Now... I have to get my sleigh back.

Hello, Albert! Hello! Can you hear me?

Oh, of course he can't hear me.

This gizmo is hooked up to the sleigh's computer, and the computer is in the sleigh, and the sleigh is gone, and... oh!

(SANTA GROANS)

Oh, wait.

-The computer. -That's Uncle Nick's.

-KAITLIN: What about the computer? -Yes!

Well, this year, my sleigh is being run by a computer.

The reindeer are all sick with the flu.

And this computer interfered with my sleigh and brought it down.

Perhaps we can repeat the process.

-Um... Do you know how to work this thing? -Oh, yes, I do.

Um, so what am I looking for?

Well, it was a skull-and-crossbones, and I pushed it into that container there.

You trashed it, Santa. Sorry, it's gone.

-Oh, dear. -Okay, let me think.

-There's a computer on the sleigh, right? -Right.

And so it probably has a web address, right?

A web address?

You know, like, worldwide web.

-Like, like Santa.Com or-- -Oh, yes! Yes, exactly. Santa.Com. Yes.

Except that name was already registered. I'm Sclaus2.Com.

Many children send me their Christmas lists in this new format.

-I find it very convenient-- -Here's the plan.

Okay. I hack into the computer on the sleigh, I override the flight-control program, and I bring that puppy back like a well-trained homing pigeon.

-(SANTA GRUNTS) -Okay, let's go.

Go? Where?

To the computer store.

All the computers in our house are too weak for this job, but they have the new Lumax 2327, the most powerful desktop in the world.

Wonderful. Let's go.

Um, you know, you can drive, right?

Of course I can. Where do your parents park their sleigh?

Okay. What are we supposed to do now?

-CAR REVVING) -KAITLIN: Okay, right up to the light.

Nice and easy. Nice and easy.

-Right up to-- -(TIRES SCREECH)

KAITLIN: You don't have to stop here.

Keep going, right up to the light. Right up to the light.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -KAITLIN: You don't have to stop again.

-PETER: Come on, fast. -KAITLIN: You're going left!

No, no! Turn right. Turn right.

-(TIRES SCREECH) -KAITLIN: Get your foot off the brake!

-(TIRES SCREECH) -KAITLIN: You're going too fast!

DANNY: Oh. Darrin, Darrin, Darrin.

-(BUZZING) -DANNY: What can I tell you, buddy?

You gotta watch that temper.

But this present isn't gonna make you any less angry, so...

-(RAPID BEEPING) -(BUZZING)

(BEEPING)

NICK: (SINGING) I wish me A Merry Christmas I wish me a Merry Christmas I wish me a Merry Christmas And a Chippendale sofa

-Uncle Nick! -Oh!

Huh. Yo D! Uh, how'd you get in here?

Well, I climbed through the window upstairs.

-NICK: Huh? -Uh, hold on.

Uh, where's Darrin's gift? I got a, I got a better idea.

Uh, well, I haven't delivered it yet.

What have you been doing down here so long, then?

-Oh, you mean, down here? -Yeah.

Yeah, bathroom break. You know, all the taking off and landing, you know, just...

(LAUGHS) Yeah, well, uh, here. You have the little bally?

-Zap it. -All right. Step aside.

(TING)

(CREAKING)

-A punching bag? -Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, see, this kid, Darrin, his school record says that he's, um, he's been getting into fights.

And I figure he can pound on this thing instead of other kids, You know, like, channel his anger into a healthy exercise.

That is way cool, Dan, my man.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

The way you just look past all the surface junk and... saw this guy's potential. Yeah. Some kids need a break.

Kids need a little extra attention, a little extra thought.

(CHUCKLES) Take me.

You know, when I was, I don't know, about your age, all I ever asked for was one thing. You know what that was?

Hmm?

A custom-made, Jimi Hendrix-signed electric six-string guitar with an ebony fingerboard from McCusack's Music store.

(LAUGHS) Wow!

NICK: The most beautiful rock and roll guitar in the world.

Every year I'd ask for it, And every year, it wasn't under the tree.

I mean, it wasn't like the folks couldn't afford it.

Your dad got everything he ever wanted.

Chemistry set, telescope, microscope, macroscope (POPS LIPS)

You know? But then...

Anyway, he was nice, And I was naughty.

I mean, not nasty naughty.

You know, just kind of naturally normal naughty.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

And you know, if you were around back then, making the Christmas present decisions, I'd probably be touring with the Stones right now.

-Yeah? -Oh, yeah.

I was good, man, With the right equipment I could've been great.

-(CLINKING) -Anyway.

-Ready? -Yeah.

-What? -(LAUGHS) Nothing. I mean, you're just...

You're looking kind of lumpy.

Well, yeah!

Cookies and milk, cookies and milk, everywhere we go.

No wonder Santa has a weight problem. Come on.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING)

KAITLIN: Uh...

Santa, I don't think that taking a shortcut was such a good idea.

-Why not? -Just a hunch.

Nonsense! Excuse me, boys?

-(SPRAY CANS HISSING) -What's goin' on?

SANTA: Would you mind moving your vehicle?

I don't think they heard me.

I think they heard you, Santa.

-(CAR HORN HONKS) -Oh, my god.

Kaitlin, what are you doing? I think this boy wants to talk.

-Uh-oh. -(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Santa Claus and his little elves.

(LAUGHS) Dear, no. These aren't elves.

Elves are actually shorter creatures with pointy ears, Mischievous and disobedient, but inherently kind.

You tryin' to play games with me, buddy?

Would you like to play a game? All right.

What?

SANTA: Is this some new game I'm not aware of?

KAITLIN: Yeah, it's called the "we're in big trouble" game.

-Oh, dear. These are naughty boys. -Yes, they are.

-Now, boys! Boys, boys. -(CREAKING AND CLANKING)

-KAITLIN: Get back here! Santa! No! -(MEN WHOOP)

KAITLIN: Get back! No! Don't close the door!

SANTA: Now, boys. Boys, boys, boys. MAN: Easy!

-MAN: Oh, big man! -(CATCALLS)

-Hey big man, let's see what you got! -MAN 2: Look at that dude.

Now, son, I don't want any trouble.

Sorry, pal, 'cause trouble's what you got.

-Now come on. -(MAN LAUGHING)

I didn't want to have to do this, but...

Ha!

Oh, we are in trouble.

-(MAN LAUGHS): You're kidding me, right? -(MEN LAUGHING)

Is this guy for real? All right, come on. Let's see what you got, huh?

Come on, come on, come on! Like that, huh?

Come on, you gonna take a punch or what? Come on, come on!

This guy for real? (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(LAUGHS)

Now cut that out!

Now bring it! Let's go!

-This is it. -MAN 2: Come on!

-SANTA: Kitchy-kitchy coo! -(MAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

All right, that ain't funny, you know! All right, come on!

MAN 2: Come on, you can take him, get him!

Kootchy-ootchy-ootchy!

(MAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Santa: You give? You give?

-I give, I give, I give, I give! (SOBS) -(MEN LAUGHING)

-You're one tough tickler, man! -(SANTA CHUCKLES)

MAN: I swear, you guys tell anybody about this, and you're gonna deal with me!

-And I don't tickle! -(LAUGHING STOPS)

You're all right, dog.

Yeah, how'd ya like to join my crew?

Oh! That's very hospitable of you, But, uh, we've got to get going.

As I said, we have business to conduct.

You shouldn't be driving around here.

There's all kinds of creeps running around, you know?

Do you have a better idea?

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

-(WHIRRING) -(THUDS)

(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Pablo.

Now you boys check your stockings tomorrow and see what Santa brought you.

Right on, Santa.

-(SWITCH FLICKS) -(WHIRRING)

(CHUCKLES) Kind of catchy!

(JINGLE BELLS PLAYING)

SANTA: Wow. Albert would love it.

Peter: Come on, Santa.

-You're late! -Uh, am I? Uh...

Lot of good you do me now.

I needed you for the final rush this afternoon, not at closing time.

Don't think I'm not gonna report this to your union rep.

Well, actually, I'm more of an independent contractor.

The next time I need a big man with computer experience, I'll put a pillow under my shirt!

Um, excuse me, sir, but could you show me where the Lumax 2327s are, please?

Well, go on and show her. Aisle two.

Oh. Right this way.

Ugh! Temps!

(WIND WHOOSHING)

-(BEEPING) -(CLANKING)

DANNY: I got a good idea. Why don't we go to the homeless shelter?

-Pass out some stuff there. -Homeless shelter?

They haven't got anything... So, yes, we should go there.

Right. I'm with you... Or! Or... Hey, here's a great idea.

Why don't we just zoom over to the Vanderlip mansion and spread some Christmas magic there?

Nah, there won't be any kids there. Just a whole bunch of grownups in fancy clothes and jewels, having a party or something.

-Yeah. -They've got more than they need.

Why would we want to give them more?

Well, we wouldn't.

But, you see, that's, that's my idea, Danny.

Listen, they're probably gonna have some kind of major feast, right?

With caviar, roast beef, all the trimmings.

I guess, yeah.

So, this is where we outdo that old fogey Claus.

We switch the dinners. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, we let the rich folks see what life is really like for a change, while, at the same time, bring a little Christmas cheer to the downtrodden.

That's a great idea! Man, you are a great Santa.

I try.

These babies are state of the art.

Lumax 2327s...

It's the most powerful home computer ever conceived, -with a 1.2 terabyte hard drive, -(BEEPING) and a six gigahertz processor and 512 megs of RAM.

PETER: Kaitlin, someone's coming.

Do something! If they catch us, they'll throw us out.

Hmm.

PETER: Excuse me, sir.

Hey, what are you all doing over there?

Nothing. I have to go to the bathroom.

-So go. -Can you take me?

Hey, I'm not your dad, little kid.

I guess I'll just have to do it over here, then.

No, no. Not there. What are you, nuts?

Come on, I'll show you where it is.

-He's created a diversion. -Great.

Okay. That ought to do it.

-Now, push the on button and hope. -(ELECTRONIC BUZZING)

COMPUTER: This is Lumax 2327, I am ready.

-(CRACKS KNUCKLES) -Okay. Let's wrangle us a sleigh.

Yeah, life is finally cutting us bad boys a break, huh, Danny?

We just might come out on top this time-- Whoa! Easy, easy! Hot soup.

(NICK WINCES) Ow!

(SIGHS) Yeah, let's definitely do this again next year.

Yeah. I'm sure by then, Santa'll be back at the controls.

You never can tell with head injuries.

Yep, you and I might just have to take over this gig For many years to come, my friend.

There's the mansion.

Oh, yeah.

-DANNY: Ready? -Yeah.

Let's take her in.

-(CREAKING) -(SLEIGH REVVING)

Danny, easy. This isn't Splash Mountain.

-(RAPID BEEPING) -But I'm not doing that. What?

I've lost control. Somebody else is steering the sleigh.

Well, who?

-(BEEPING) -KAITLIN: Oh! That's gotta be them.

Okay, Danny. Let's show you who's in the driver's seat.

(NICK AND DANNY SCREAMING)

-(RAPID BEEPING) -(BOTH YELLING)

-Let me have that thing! -DANNY: No, no, it's not gonna work.

BOTH: Whoa!

Somebody's hacked into our system. They're flying our sleigh.

(NICK AND DANNY YELLING)

NICK: What just happened?

Whoever's doing this has got a much more powerful computer than we do.

DANNY: Whoa!

NICK: What do we do now?

-DANNY: Hold on! -NICK: Good idea!

Okay, I know. I'll put in the coordinates for my house.

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -SANTA: You'd better hurry.

DANNY: Okay, here's a stupid idea. NICK: I'm listening.

We could... cut the power off, then throw it back on real quick.

That would stop the signal, but it could also do some damage to the hard drive.

Who cares about the hard drive? It's our only choice.

Let's do it now because we're right over the mansion. Go.

-(BUTTON CLICKS) -(SLEIGH POWERS DOWN)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAM)

-Do you think it's time -(BUTTON CLICKING REPEATEDLY)

-we turn it back on?

(DANNY): I'm trying! I'm trying!

-(SLEIGH POWERS UP) -(BEEPING)

NICK: Yes! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

-(BOTH LAUGH) -You did it! (WHOOPS)

Okay. We're still dropping, but not as fast.

-DANNY: All right. -NICK: Okay, easy, now.

-Easy, easy. -DANNY: All right. I know.

I got it. Don't worry, don't worry.

-NICK: Easy! -DANNY: All right.

-(NICK WHIMPERS) -I got it, I got it. I'm an ace.

-(SLEIGH POWERS DOWN) -Okay. Good. We're safe.

I almost lost my cookies. Shall we? While the soup's still hot.

I can't believe I lost them. I had them right in my hands.

You know, I guess it's just possible that my brother might be smarter than I give him credit for.

Nah.

That's it. Your brother has stolen my sleigh.

He's obviously in cahoots with that uncle of yours.

He's on the naughty list for life.

But that's not fair. You don't know Danny, Santa.

He wouldn't steal it. There's gotta be a reason.

And I may well put in a call to my good old friend, the Easter bunny.

The only way that young man will get eggs in his basket is if he lays them himself.

Whoa.

(GASPS) Exquisite. Hmm. Oh! What do we have here?

(SCOFFS) Junk. You should be ashamed of yourself.

(LIPS SMACK) A bit early.

Oops!

Oh, Nicky likes. Boop!

(HUMS PERKY TUNE)

Hm... Hm... Nah.

Oh. Yes, yes. Okay.

Still, there's something wrong with the ensemble.

Oh! Of course. The necklace. Allow me.

-(DISTANT CLATTERING) -How's it going in there, big D?

DANNY: Fine.

(CHUCKLES) Me, too!

(NICK HUMS)

(TING)

(SQUEAKING AND CREAKING)

(WHIRRING)

It's still hot.

(GASPS) Holy Blitzen!

The Vanderlip diamond.

Pour moi? Oh.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, it is a merry Christmas.

Excuse me? Sorry?

(KISSES) Oh! Mrs. Vanderlip.

(TUTS) Naughty, naughty.

Oh, this really is exquisite.

Uncle Nick?

-DANNY: What are you doing? -I was just mingling.

I thought there was something fishy about your lumpy stomach.

There's stuff in there.

Stuff? What stuff?

(TING)

-(NICK EXCLAIMS) -(CREAKING AND SQUEAKING)

-(CLATTERING) -(NICK GASPS)

(SQUEAKING AND TINKLING)

(NICK CRIES OUT)

(CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMING)

-(NICK WHIMPERS) -(CLATTERING)

That stuff.

NICK: Oh, this stuff. (GASPS AND CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yes, uh... (SIGHS)

All right. I'll be honest with you.

-Ah! -(TOWER CREAKING)

See...

I'm collecting items for a charity fund-raiser to help fight... bad things.

-(TING) -(NICK SCREAMS)

(CREAKING AND SQUEAKING)

(NICK GRUNTS) Oh!

-(SQUEAKING) -(GROANS)

You don't have to lie anymore.

I mean, I'm not that dense.

DANNY: This whole night, it's all been one big, fat setup.

You scammed me so you could steal stuff.

No! Danny! Look, just, uh...

It is the giving season, right? Now, just...just think of it as... as them giving to the less-fortunate, hm?

-(DISCORDANT NOTE PLAYS) -Oh. Here. Have a Stradivarius.

NICK: Go on, take it!

That's it.

We're done.

-Okay. You're right. I promise, no more. -(TINKLING AND CLATTERING)

No, I mean you and me. We're done.

For good.

(SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES) Come on.

Danny! It's your Uncle Nick.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

-Nick: Yo, D-man, where ya goin'? D! -(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Whoa, Danny! Danny, Danny, Danny. Hold on. Come on.

Come on. Hey, hey. Okay, okay. All right. You're right.

I'll level with you, Okay?

It's just I've been having a small cash flow problem.

So...so this was just a tide-me-over kind of once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I mean, I really wouldn't make too much out of this.

All right. I'm sorry. Okay?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, But, come on! What would you have said?

-I would've said, "don't do it." -(LAUGHS) See? That's my point.

Okay. It's all good now.

(SIGHS) Where to now?

Well, I'm going back home, see if I can really help Santa.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right...

That sounds good.

You're not coming back with me, are you?

No, I, uh, I... No.

No, I don't think it's such a good idea.

(QUIETLY) Yeah, that's what I thought.

But, hey. We will definitely hook up, okay? I'll give you a call. We'll hook up.

Okay? (LAUGHS) Dan, my man.

NICK: All right, pal?

-Danny? -What?

Hey, we still have Monaco, right?

-(BUTTON CLICKING) -(SLEIGH POWERS UP)

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(PARTY GUESTS SHOUTING AND SQUEALING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(LOUD CRUNCHES)

-Now what? -I don't know.

Neither do I.

It looks like Christmas is over.

(ALL SIGH)

What about you? How will you get home?

That's a good question.

That's going to take some figuring, thanks to your naughty brother.

But Danny isn't naughty. He's not.

Well, he's doing a pretty good imitation.

Okay, but what if he gave you your sleigh back and said he was sorry?

Would you still keep him on your bad list and call the bunny?

Well, maybe not, but that's not too likely to happen, now, is it?

-(CRASHING OVERHEAD) -(DANNY SCREAMING)

-(CLATTERING) -(DANNY GROANING)

(THUDS)

Wha--

-(DANNY WHIMPERING) -I knew you'd come back.

-Hey, hey. Peter? -Danny, Santa's really mad at you.

Yeah, I had a feeling he might be.

Well, what do you have to say for yourself now, Danny?

Uh...

Merry Christmas?

-(DANNY GROANS) -(THUDDING)

-A screwdriver. -Screwdriver.

Soldering iron.

Soldering iron.

-KAITLIN: Needle-nose pliers. -(JANGLING)

Needle-nose pliers.

How's it going?

I don't even know if I can fix this one, Danny.

You really did it this time.

-KAITLIN: Crescent wrench. -Crescent wrench.


Santa?

I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

But I, I wasn't trying to steal your sleigh.

(DANNY SIGHS)

I hope you believe me.

Frankly, son, I don't know what to believe anymore.

(DANNY SIGHS)

My Uncle Nick... He's... he's not really a bad guy...

I guess. I mean, he's, uh...

He just got a little over his head this time, and, and then that's the way he is.

(SNIFFS) He's just, uh...

-A scammer? -Yeah.

How does it feel being the one scammed this time?

Not good.

-(ELECTRIC BUZZING) -(TINKLING)

Well, that's the ball game, boys.

There's no way this puppy is going anywhere else anytime soon.

Your hard drive's totally fried.

-I take it that's bad? -KAITLIN: That's real bad.

And the computer store is closed all day tomorrow.

(SIGHS) The earliest I could get you up is sometime on the 26th.

(CHOIR SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL)

(SIGHS)

He'll be okay. Kids rebound. That's what they do!

In a week he'll forget about the whole thing.

Hey. I'll send him a present.

Something big. A big... expensive... thing.

(GROANS)

(CHOIR SINGING)

-(BRAKES SQUEAL) -HARRY: Hey. Hey, buddy.

We're looking for 300 Walnut Street.

How far?

(COUGHS)

Let's go. It's gotta be around here somewhere.

Get ready for this, Eliot. It's dinner time, boys.

-Eliot! -Oh, yeah!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Ho ho, holy smoke, that was close.

(LAUGHS AND SIGHS)

Three hundred... Walnut Street?

Hey, Santa.

You gettin' in?

I...

SANTA: All these years and I've never missed a Christmas delivery until now.

But maybe it's for the best.

Maybe it'd do people good to know what it's like without Santa.

SANTA: Maybe they'd appreciate Christmas more.

Appreciate me a little more. Yes.

Maybe I'll just take a few years off.

-You don't mean that? -Why not?

Everybody else seems to be thinking only of themselves.

Maybe I'll just give up and join them!

Why, maybe I'll take this pasty old carcass off to Florida, let Rudolph rub sunblock on my back, sip an umbrella drink, listen to a steel band, and let someone else do the holiday heavy lifting.

You think a tan would make me look thinner?

But there isn't anyone else. You're Santa.

Don't worry, son.

Santa's just a little depressed. (SIGHS)

SANTA: It's been one of those days.

Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

-(CAR APPROACHING) -HARRY: Three hundred Walnut Street, Bill!

Bill! Bill! Bill! Stop the car! Stop the-- Bill! Bill!

-Back it up! Back it up! -And is still going wrong.

-HARRY: Bill! Easy! -(TIRES SCREECHING)

HARRY: Put on the brakes!

That is the last time I let you drive, Bill.

-BILL: I can't see anything! -I don't care if you can't see anything.

That is the last time I let you drive!

-BILL: No, no! -HARRY: Get out of here! Let's go.

-(CAR DOORS SLAMMING) -BILL: Okay, where is he?

Yeah, where is Nick Wrigley, the lying, computer-hacking little thief?

He's not here.

Don't give us the run-around already! We know he's here!

Oh, yeah. We tracked him with a global positioning satellite.

And the GPS don't lie.

-The GPS 1162? -BILL: You got it, girl.

Well, he's, he's still not here.

Okay, who are you people?

Nick is our uncle. He was here, but now he's gone. Okay?

So, so just move on.

Listen!

We've been driving around all night. We're very upset.

-Bill lost a contact lens. -It's inside my own head.

I have a migraine.

And Eliot hasn't hurt anyone in over five hours.

Now, we know he's in there.

So either you produce Nick Wrigley right this second... or we'll go in and find him, even if we have to take this house apart nail by nail.

-Shingle by shingle! -Limb by limb.

-After you, Eliot. -SANTA: Hold on, now. Wait a minute.

I think that the destruction of this fine home will not solve your problem.

-Now, in the spirit of Christmas-- -Get out of the way, old man.

(SIGHS) Someone needs a tickle.

Koochie-koochie-koochie koochie-koochie!

Tickie-tickie-tickie tickie-tickie-tick...

SANTA: Eh... (CLEARS THROAT)

You're in trouble.

-NICK: Leave them alone. -HARRY: There he is!

BILL: Oh, isn't that charming? Nick Wrigley coming to the neighborhood, bringing the Christmas cheer.

(BILL SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES) He kicks the car door. Love the Santa suit, Nick.

Also the little bag of presents. Cute, yeah.

HARRY: I hope for your sake there's a present worth 30,000 bucks in your bag.

Oh, I've got things worth a lot more than that.

-(HARRY LAUGHS) -BILL: Excellent!

But I can't give them to you.

Why not?

Well, first of all, you three boys have been very naughty.

Secondly, they're not mine to give.

Oh, I thought it was all mine for a while, but, uh...

It's not worth what I'd have to give up to keep it, so...

All these lovely things have to go back to the people they belong to.

(LAUGHS) You better be kidding, Wrigley.

No. No, I'm not.

Eliot, he's all yours.

Run, Uncle Nick!

Don't worry, Peter. This guy won't hurt me.

And why won't I hurt you?

'Cause, frankly, Eliot, deep inside, you're just a scared, unhappy little man.

(LAUGHING)

(NICK LAUGHS) Oh yeah! Yeah!

And because I have this.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(TING)

NICK: There we go.

(ELIOT HIGH PITCHED LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING TRAILS OFF)

ELIOT: Uh-oh.

Did I mention "little"?

Uh...Uh...Uh...

(BOTH GROAN)

Mommy.

(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)

-(TIRES SCREECH) -HARRY: Go, go, go, go, go!

Remember, he's makin' a list!

(CHUCKLES)

Yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk.

Come here. (LAUGHS)

-Peter! -DANNY: Hey!

Good job, nick.

Oh. Here.

Thank you.

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

SANTA: Ah, come here.

(NICK LAUGHING)

Very touching, you guys.

But this whole love fest doesn't exactly solve our problems.

-What problems? -KAITLIN: The sleigh is broken.

You two jerks blew out the on-board computer.

-Oh, yeah, right. -Yeah.

What about hooking up one of our computers?

Great, but how long an extension cord do you think we'll need to fly to the North Pole?

Would a powerful laptop work?

Maybe.

Oh, no.

No. Not Lappy.

-(BEEPING) -(WHIRRING)

(BUZZING AND WHIRRING)

(LAUGHS) Thank you, Kaitlin.

And, Nick, thank you for Lappy.

This has been a very good first step on your long road to rehabilitation.

Wait. How long do I...

All right.

Anyway, it's about time you got something for Christmas

-besides milk and cookies. -(CHUCKLES)

And I'll take care of your returns for you.

Unless, of course, you'd care to come along and do it yourself?

Uh, Santa, I'm sorry about that, but, uh...

We need Uncle Nick here, 'cause, uh, what's Christmas without a family to celebrate it with?

SANTA: Well, in that case, I'd better be going.

Now, remember, you gotta keep this under your hats, all right?

-Not a word to anyone. Right? -Okay.

-(BUTTON CLICKS) -(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, I'm going to have to reconsider this whole "naughty and nice" tradition.

It's not as black and white as I thought.

And I have you Wrigleys to thank for that.

-Well, Merry Christmas. -KIDS: Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

Well? Give us some room!

KAITLIN AND PETER: Oh! Sorry.

(SLEIGH POWERS UP)

-DANNY: Bye, Santa! -KAITLIN: Bye, Santa.

NICK: Bye! PETER: Merry Christmas, Santa.

DANNY: See you next year! NICK: Thank you, Santa!

KAITLIN: Bye! Have a nice trip! PETER: Merry Christmas, Santa.

(DOOR OPENING)

(JOHN CHUCKLES)

JOHN: "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

Boy, do I feel silly.

Just a second.


I already got my big present.

ABBY: Mm.


(BIRDS CHIRPING)

-(DOOR SLAMMING) -(BELLS JINGLING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(LAUGHING AND SHOUTING)

-Uncle Nick, it's Christmas! -(NICK GROANS)

It's time for presents.

Oh, that's right. It's Christmas today. (YAWNS)

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

-ABBY: Oh, merry Christmas, Nick. -Morning.

-DANNY: Merry Christmas. -JOHN: Merry Christmas, Nick.

-Yeah. -(EVERYONE LAUGHING AND TALKING)

-(NICK GROANS) -JOHN: What time is it?

-KAITLIN: Danny, this one's for you. -ABBY: Merry Christmas.

-KAITLIN: Mom! -ABBY: Oh, what's that one? Oh, gosh.

For me? Thank you. I think you got one here.

-KAITLIN: Oh! Thank you. -ABBY: There you go.

(FAMILY CHATTER AND LAUGH)

-PETER: That's for you. -Yeah. This, this, that's for you.

-ABBY: Oh, cool! -PETER: That's for you.

"Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad. I owe you one present."

That's, uh... That's lovely. (CHUCKLES)

DANNY: I, I didn't have enough to buy Christmas presents.

-JOHN: Yeah... -Come on.

I'm gonna hold you to that one. Merry Christmas, Danny.

DANNY: Merry Christmas to you.

JOHN: Open up that one. I think you're gonna like that.

(PAPER RIPPING)

Uncle Nick, I found one for you.

-NICK: For me? -Yeah.

Okay. Great. Toss it.

(GROANS)

Can't, it's too big.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, pal.

NICK: Oh, wow.

It's my guitar.

The one from McCusack's music store.

Oh, look, a card. You forgot to read it.

"To my favorite naughty boy.

"sorry for the delay, but better late than never.

Love, Santa."

(GASPS)

-Play it, Uncle Nick. -Yeah. Yeah, come on, play it.

-Please? -PETER: Please, Uncle Nick.

JOHN: Come on, play it, Nick.

-ALL: Come on. -PETER: Please?

-No. No, actually I better not. -PETER: Aw!

I'm gonna have to sell this ax to pay off some of my debts.

Well, you're not gonna sell it today. So come on, big rock star, Let's see what you got.

Yeah. The kids have never heard you play.

Come on, everybody, let's go. Come on!

-To the sofa. -PETER: Yeah, come on.

-JOHN: Everybody on the sofa. -All right.

PETER: Come on, on the sofa!

-Oh! That's great. -(LAUGHING)

-JOHN: Yeah! -ABBY: Whoo!

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, it's, uh... been a little while since I've...

-Oh, come on. -Rock and roll!

No excuses.

(STRUMS GUITAR)

(PLAYS JINGLE BELLS BADLY)

(PLAYS OUT OF TUNE)

(PROFESSIONAL RIFFING)

Yeah! (WHOOPS)

All right!

(PLAYS COMPLEX RIFF)

-(LAUGHING) -Oh, what a hot dog. What a hot dog.

-(JOHN WHOOPS) -ABBY: Yeah!

(CLAPPING)

(JOHN CHANTING): Go, Nick! Go, Nick! Go, Nick!

(WHOOPS AND APPLAUSE)

DANNY: 'Twas the morning of Christmas, The end of our tale.

Santa brought all the stuff back, My Uncle Nick didn't go to jail.

And I've learned the best gift of Christmas comes at no price.

It's to be with your family, whether you're naughty or nice.

So that's the end of our story.

Merry Christmas, everyone.