Two for the Road (1967) Script

They don't look very happy.

Why should they? They just got married.

I hope you enjoy your trip, Mr. Wallace.

Thank you.

And your wife.

Thanks a lot.

I suppose we've got Maurice to thank for this.

What are you doing?

Trying to discover where the strings are attached.

"I hope you have a nice trip, Mr. Wallace. "

"And my wife?"

You're too suspicious about Maurice. What harm did he ever do us?

He hounds us.


He hounds us.

Mister Maurice Dalbret for you, from St. Tropez.

He hounds us...


Yeah. I told you.

Of course we could've flown direct, but we wanted to have a few days on our own.

London, please.

Joanna and me.

My wife. Yeah.

It's too late to change, anyway I want the car there.

Yes, my darling. Of course I will. Of course I won't.

Nothing's going to fall down.

We have to fly.

You'll take care of granny and nanny too? Take care of everyone.

That makes nonsense the whole spatial concept.

Spatial concept.

It messes up the whole design.

I'll see you in three days.

Who is it now?



Caroline Wallace, your daughter.

Oh, Caroline.

Hello. How's my little girl?



Did you bring your passport?

I'm sorry. We'll have to turn back.

I've left my passport. We'll have to turn back.

I'm sorry, sir. Are you sure?

Yes, I've got to go to an important conference and...

Mark Wallace, 33 years old, occupation, architect.

How about getting me some cigarettes?

Thank you.


Has persuaded you it's imperative we get to St. Tropez right away.

Why do you always get taken in?

That's how it is.

Do you want me not to work? Is that what you want?

I wish you'd stop sniping.

I haven't said a word.

Just because you're silent, doesn't mean you're not a sniper.

We're not going on like this for the rest of our lives.

You haven't been happy since the day we met, have you?

If only you were ten years younger and knew what you know now.

You can say that again.

I wonder if anybody's picked up the wrong passport.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a passport.

And in your bag?

I know it's not in my bag. Somebody must've taken it.

Do you know what a British passport is worth on the black market?

100 pounds, at least.

This is France.

I don't know in France. I can see myself stuck here forever going backwards and forwards.

Hey, what are you doing?

You leave something for two seconds and...


And the passport?

There was a time when you were glad to be married to me.

Remember our first trip together? When we had wheels of our own.

The old M.G.

Which birthday of mine was it you gave yourself that?

Was it our anniversary?

We were going to drive and drive and see where we got to.

A couple of kids with not a care in the world.

Hold your breath. We've got a long way to go.

We need a small push.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

That's it. Very good.

Faster. Faster.

Come on, faster.

Remember me? Joanna?

What's wrong?

Hear that? It's a donk.

What kind of a donk?

A medium sized slightly unhealthy donk.

A donk.

When did it all start to go wrong?

Was it in the M.G.? Our first bust-up?

I thought we were happy in the M.G.

I also thought so.

This is what I call independence, don't you?

I can still hear that donk. Hear it?

It's in the engine.


It's the first afternoon I've spent in natural light in over a year.

By the time I get home from work, it's pitch black.

Originally, you said you liked basements.

I liked basements.

I think we were lucky to get the place.

I think we were lucky to get the place.

I think one day we'll be lucky to get out of it.

If you want to live in a suburban shoebox like your parents, you married the wrong man.

I don't want to live in a suburban shoebox,

and I married the wrong man.

Do you want a divorce?

Why do we keep on with this farce? Is it worth it?

No, it isn't.

It was your idea. You wanted it.

And I got it.

Yes, it is worth it, sometimes.

Only not now.

I don't know what you saw in me in the first place.

I can't really remember.

You had hair in those days, of course.

I don't think we had any real bust-up in the M.G.

If you really want big houses, fast cars, running servants...

Who wants that?

I know what you want. You want big houses, fast cars.

You're right. There is a donk.

I thought there was.

Right there. There's something loose, I'm sure.

If there is, you loosened it.

Try and keep out of the lower gears.

You try keeping out of the lower gears.

You're mad! Let me get to the...

See? No donk if you're careful.

Shut up.

I hate this.

I can't see...

I've got oil in my eye now.

I could quite happily...

How is it down there?

Pitch black.

This exhaust pipe is so rusty I could...

If I could just see.

Difficult doing things in the dark, isn't it?

We can not afford a new flat.

On our present budget we can't afford a new exhaust pipe.

You ought to try avoiding the lower gears, you know?

Why don't you put a very British sock in it?

Why don't you put a boiled egg in it?

That's fixed it.

You mean, that's fixed it?

Or that's fixed it?

Ask me in an hour's time.

You should've bought a tractor instead of an M.G.

I'll never forget you sitting in the back of that tractor.

I had never spoken to you and I thought you looked insufferable.

The girls were potty about you and so heavens knows, were you.

What are we going to do? We have to get there in time.

Wait! Help us.

Oh, lovely mee ha,

You're improving, Pat.

What's the matter? Nothing.

Oh, everything.

Travelling doesn't agree with me. I hope it isn't measles.

I've had measles, clever.

It must be something else.

Oh, no!

Chickenpox. No question.

That's messed everything up.

Messed what up? What are you on exactly?

We're supposed to be going on holiday together and then to the Music Festival in Menton, middle of the month.

I don't know what to do now. Nor do I.

Oh, no...

And then there were four.

Only one thing to do, I suppose.

Let's see who's left in the morning.

Good plan.

Well, well, well...

How are you this morning?

I'm very well, how are you?

Very well indeed.

And the others?

I'm afraid its been a night full of casualties.

I am sorry.

We could leave them the minibus and press on, does that appeal to you?

How can you be so callous?

When do we leave?

Whenever you're ready.

Joanna! I thought you'd gone to the doctor's.

I drove the others. Nothing wrong with me.

Are you positive?

That feeling can be very deceptive.

I've had chickenpox when I was twelve.

We're not taking the bus. We're leaving it for the others.

We'd thought we'd hitch hike.

I love hitch hiking. I won't be in the way, will I?

Whatever gave you that idea?

Where do you think we'll get to by tonight? There?


We can do better than that. Can't we Jacqueline?

Can we, Jacqueline?



I guessed.

Aren't they sweet?

Isn't it a shame about Jackie?

Isn't it.

You'd have preferred if I'd been the one who got the chickenpox.

You don't have to stay with me, you know.

Listen, sweetheart, let's get this straight.

I've absolutely no intention of staying with you.

I don't know what your plans are, but I have a schedule.

I am not on holiday.

I understand.

I'm here for the buildings. Anything else is by the way.

I haven't a minute to waste. My time is organised.

You're on a schedule.

But a tight schedule.

Mark, did you pick up your passport this morning?

Mark. Mark.

If there's one thing I despise, it's an indispensable woman.

Nobody knows the names of the men who made it.

To make something so beautiful and not smash your name all over it.

Would you want to?

All you hear about nowadays is people making names.

Not things.

Sorry, did you want me to take your picture?

No, no.

This is a three dimensional camera.

It's meant for photographing three dimensional subjects.

I'm three dimensional as a matter of fact.

It's basically for buildings.

I'm not a building.

We won't have to waste a minute stopping for lunch.

The trouble with women is, they try to label you.

Put you in a pigeon hole.

What they don't realise is that only a pigeon fits in a pigeon hole.

Marriage is all they ever think about and I'm not going to get married for at least 40 years.

Not that I have anything against sex.

It's contracts I don't like. Promises of long service and good conduct.

Are you a virgin?

I thought you were. I can always tell.


I was two years at the University of Chicago.

Studying virgin detection?

Only at night school. Architecture during the day.

I always thought American women would be different.

I thought they'd didn't have inhibitions and it was free love.


But, no.

The nice American girl may play it cool and modern, but what she wants is what her grandmother wanted.

Your head stuffed and hung on the living room wall.

If you don't want it that way, you can take yourself elsewhere, speaking quite generally, of course.

Of course.

Who was she?

What do you mean?

Her name was Cathy Seligman, if you must know.

She was selfish, grasping, Philistine, materialistic, stubborn, opinionated.

I was crazy about her.

Lucky for you, you'll never meet her.

She's now Mrs. Howard Manchester.

I always knew you two had to meet.

"There's only one drawback," Howard said.

"We'll have to go to Greece. "

Remember saying that, Howie? Yes.

"Drawback," Of course I absolutely flipped.

Howie, come off it.

After landing in London, first thing was to get in touch with you.

I never thought you newlyweds would want to travel with us ancients.

We don't care who we travel with frankly.

Hey, tell me something.

Mommy, do snakes have nipples?

No they don't, Ruthie. Do they, Howie?

No, they don't.

She's hooked on nature.

It's wonderful you two were free to come with us.

I know we're all going to be terrific friends.

Joanna, you know Mark used to be my favourite beau.

Second favourite.


That was before you came on the scenario, Howie.

Of course.

Well, why don't they? Why don't who what?

Snakes have nipples.

Because they lay eggs.

Cathy, did you remember to pack the anti-snake serum?


Mark, do you remember David Lewinson?

No, David?

It was Woody Lewinson.

He's become a fine physician in New York city and he gave Howie a course on how to treat snake bites.

How to inject the serum subcutaneously and all that.

We've invested over 50 dollars. 60.

60 dollars in anti-snake equipment.

I sure hope somebody gets bitten by a snake.

Well, that's my 100 exactly. Let me see.

Mark, it's you to drive.

We change places and that's all there is to it.

I'm hungry.

I think Howard's wonderful the way he organises everything.

He's not an efficiency consultant for nothing.

If he were, he wouldn't be married to you.

I'm hungry.

Hand me that guide book, sugar.


I want to eat something now.

If you want to ruin your lunch, Ruthie, you can.

We believe in leaving things for her own free decision.

Does that key make the car go?

Sort of.

Ruthie, that hurt Mommy.

Did you see what she did? She pinched me.

She probably thinks you're excluding her. She needs reassuring.

If she does it again, I'm going to need hospitalisation.

We're covered.

Have you ever been in analysis?


It can be very worthwhile.

Shall I tell you a story, Ruthie?

Joanna, thank you.

There we are, love.

Come on, Ruthie.

Quite like old times, Mr. Wallace.

I see what you mean about rearranging the luggage.

I thought you might, Howie.

That's a real sun.

We're getting way down south, honah.

Mummy, I'm hungry. I want to eat something now.

I don't want anything to eat.

I think she's going to be late fixating.

She felt we hurried her. Why don't we all relax?

Marcus, I've been meaning to say about expenses.

I think I've come up with a formula.


If you're agreeable, we'll call Ruthie a half, in which event we can divide everything into nine parts and split them in the ratio of five to four.

I think that's the final breakdown on this morning's expenses.

If you'd care to check it.

I believe you.

Shall we go?

You don't like my house, do you?

It's very handsome. Market at 25000, I like it a lot.

It's beautiful, Ruthiebelle. Come on, sweetheart.

I want to take my house with me.

She's feeling insecure. Only natural.

Come on, sweetness.

I want to take my house with me!

I want it!

Ruthie, this time I have to say no, and I mean no.

It's very reassuring at times to retain a flexibility of attitude.

He has a tremendously mature quality, that's what I love about him.

He has a quiet assurance.

Don't you think he has a quiet assurance?

Very quiet assurance.

He's the husband type.

You were always the lover type. I guess you still are.

I've been married to Joanna for nearly two years.

But your relationship is volatile. Anyone can see that.

Joanna, I don't want you to feel badly about what happened.

It doesn't matter.

I think it does matter. You resent Ruthie, don't you?

A little spilt wine...

You misunderstand me.

You resent her because you want to have a child.

We're 17 minutes behind schedule.

Mark, you have 53 Km. Still to go.

It's hot.

Sweetheart, we should've left the car under the sun-shelter.

Let's move it, Marcus.

Mummy. What is it, candy face?

I'm hungry.

Very funny, but I happen to have a schedule.

The trouble is there's two of us. That's the whole trouble.

If I ever have a car, I'll never pass a single hitchhiker.

Must we dice with death?

Since when has this car only got two speeds?

I'll tell you what, you drive.

I'll tell you what, I'll walk.

Okay, walk.

Don't be silly.

You'd be better off on your own, wouldn't you?

Not again. Joanna!

You want to get on, I know. Maurice is waiting.

Let him wait.

He's got you on a line. All he has to do is reel you in...

Will you shut the hell up about Maurice?

You know where we'd be without him?


Broke and happy.

You want to live in the cellar again? You hated it.

I loved it.

You hated it.

I hated it.

I hate being at other people's beck and call.

As soon as someone beck's or calls, I resent it.

Okay, you run the show, you handle it.

You worry about the house, the flat, nanny, Mrs. Rathbone...

I don't want any of them!

Do I? Am I the one who wants enamel sports watches?

Take your watch. I don't want anything.

Why is it when you give a woman what she wants she gets bloody minded?

You don't give me what I want. You give me what you want.

Joanna, your watch.

Joanna, I love you.

Come on. Maurice is waiting.


Listen, we're not going to make it together see.

We don't get the breaks, so this is the kiss-off.

You take the high road. I'll take the low road.

We'll see who gets in where before who.

If we meet again great. If not happy holidays.

No hard feelings, but...

You've a schedule.


What happened to your slick friend in the Alfa Romeo?

I told him I was in love with you so he put me down.

I warn you...


How about a cup of coffee?

"Vous avez un chambre?"

"Oui, Monsieur. "

What kind of people sit like that without saying anything?

Married people.

This is definitely against my principles.

Good, I wouldn't like to think it happened all the time.

I had absolutely no intention of sleeping in hotels.

You didn't?

Why do you think I brought a sleeping bag for?

I hadn't thought about it.

Who are you?

Some girl.

Sleep well?

I think that room was over the plate smashing annex.

My days for roughing it are over.

Next time get Maurice to reserve us a room, if you can't remember.

Preferably with a carpet and something else in the hot tap besides...

All right, now when we're ready, it's Joanna in the hot seat and Catherine the co-driver, okay?

We've got three weeks to go, so make the best of it.

Believe it or not, I'm making the best of it.

You wanted to come.


Mummy, I don't want Joanna to look at me.

Ruthie, don't be silly.

Joanna, may I say something?

This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you.

I know you love Ruthie, but she doesn't realise it.

You're not getting through to her.

She's gotten the idea you're hostile to her.

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you woo her a little bit?

Woo her?

That's right, woo her.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Ruthie, honey. Come on.

It has running hot and cold, bath, free garage, telephone... and transistor radios aren't allowed in the dining room.

It sounds minimal, but I'll buy it.

I don't want to go to a hotel.

Our own little home for the night. Of course you do.

I don't. I don't.

Ruthie, may I have the keys back, please?


Okay, we'll just have to stay here all night.

Is that what you want? Yes.

With nothing to eat? I'm not hungry.

She had a little snack... Cathy, please.

Ruthie, give me that key!

Don't you have a spare?

If I use the spare, we don't have a spare.

Mummy, I'm so tired.

Do you still want a child?

I still want a child.

I just don't want that child.

We agreed before we were married we weren't going to have any children.

And before we were married, we didn't.

Ruthie, that was a funny thing you did with the key.

Fast thinking.

Did you see where it landed? Yes.

Good girl. Where? I'm not going to tell you.

Tell him at once! There.

I wooed her.

Your time's up, buddy.

Breakfast is served.

That's a good cup of tea.

It's coffee.

I knew it was a good cup of something.

Okay, start her up.

Let's go.

Plenty of revs.

We stalled.

You stalled.

You drive.


I don't want to drive.

You stalled.

Done it.

That should hold it for a while.

Someone is having a bonfire.

I love bonfires.

One day we'll have a big garden and grow lots of bonfires.

Wood smoke I like best. Hickory, for instance.

Have you ever smelt it?


I'll have to take you to the States.

I could also get Cathy to send us a few cans.

They really can it now. She could...

She could bring it on her next trip.

Do I detect a note of welcome?

You can't expect her not to come and see your baby.

No. You're not...?

This, I suppose, is my holiday surprise?

I don't suppose it was much of a surprise.

You really have to have everything you want, don't you?

Don't we have to celebrate? What we got to drink?

Here we are.

We're getting further south.

It's certainly getting warmer.

Why don't they overtake us if they want to?

Mark, fire!


Here, us. We're on fire.

I can't see.


But where?

Find some!

Here, yes, here.

It likes water.

Stand back!

What about you?

I'm going to stand back. Think I'm crazy.

I have telephoned the fire brigade.

"Passeport, s'il vous plait. "

For heaven's sake, park the car in the shade.

I don't want to come out after lunch to a red hot car.

What does "réservé à la direction" mean?

Reserved for management.

Hell, we're the customers.


Why do you think Red China is a bitch?

We can't stay here, Howie.

I meant that Red China was a very difficult problem.

All right, Cathy. I'm moving.

Over there, Howie, is perfect.

I saw them.


Yes, Ruthie. Did you do that on purpose?

No, Ruthie, I didn't. I did not.

No, Ruthie, no.

Do you love me?

Do you?

Confessions extracted under torture don't count.

Do you?



You're going to get us slung out of here.

Actually it's not a bad idea.

It's going to ruin us anyway.

This is heaven. I could eat a horse.

I hate to tell you this, but we've just gone on a diet.

But we haven't had lunch.

At these prices we can't afford to eat here.


I'm starving.

You'll have to practice a little self-restraint.

I'm not hungry. You are not hungry.

We are not hungry.

I am hungry. You are not hungry.

Women in advanced state of pregnancy, should be careful about over eating.

Advanced? I've got eight months to go.

There must be a food shop in the village.

I'm too worried about you to eat anything myself.

I'll slip down to the chemist and get you some, guess?



That's right. Pills.

Hamburger pills. Large hamburger pills.

Don't let them see you bringing it in.

What about food?

What about food?

We have to eat. Let's go to the Domaine St. Just, why not?

I'm not dressed.

The last time we went there I was dressed in soot and you were wearing a blanket.

I can change, if you want me to.

Change. I want you to.

I'm still not done up.

"Bonsoir, Madame. "

"Bonsoir, Monsieur. "

"- Bon appetit. Merci Madame. "

A lousy cop plugged me, sweetheart.

Pills! Hamburger pills!

What people go to a restaurant and don't talk to each other?

Married people.

You're the only woman I know who shares her bed with a sardine.

I don't care what kind of sardine you are, I like you.

Will you hate me when I'm bow-fronted?


Will you be unfaithful to me?



You promised I could.

You promised you wouldn't. When we got married.

Would you mind undoing what you did?


You're welcome.

Aren't you coming to bed?



I won't be long.

Shall I call your secretary to make an appointment?

When did you start being as snide as this?

After we got married, didn't I?

Did we get married?


Remember? When sex stopped being fun.

Yeah, and started being official.

Yeah, I remember.

I think that lovely lake breeds lovely mosquitoes.

I'll close the window.

We'll suffocate.

We'll have to pretend they don't exist.

All right. Good night.

Good night, little mother.


They do exist.

No, they don't.

They do.

I have an idea.

Sleep well?

Very well. I had a dreamy dream.

Tell me the worst.

I dreamt you built us a beautiful Wallace designed house.

And I built us a beautiful Wallace designed triplets.

All we need right now is a population explosion.

"Entrez. "

You did not need the mosquito net?

We managed without.

No breakfast?

Religious reasons.

We've got to get out. This self-denial's killing me.

I'm sorry you weren't able to sample our restaurant last night.

So are we. It was religious reasons.

Particularly when we have to charge you an all inclusive price.

I beg your pardon?

High season, our price includes dinner and breakfast always.


Thank you.

I think the Inspector is waiting for you outside.


Concerning the expenses for the fire brigade.

We'll see you again, I hope.

"Merci. "

What's the French for, "Inspector, I don't believe you and you're not going to get a penny"?

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Plus 30000 francs. "

"Oui, Monsieur".

"Et 5000 plus 2500, plus 2500."

"2500. C'est tout. "

"C'est tout?"

"C'est tout. "

"Et 1000 francs taxe. "


Tax on what?

"Quel taxe, Monsieur I'Inspecteur?"

"Taxe sur 42500 francs, Madame. "

"1000 francs?"

"Pourquoi 1000 francs sur 42000?"

"Le taxe. "

"Pourquoi 1000?"

"1000 francs de taxe, Madame. "

This is literally a highway robbery. This is a highway robbery.

Don't lose your temper.

I'm not losing my temper!

"Et 1000 francs pour la faire enlever. "

Dispose of the wreck.

"Nous la ferons enlever... "

"Pour la mettre où?"


Quelque place ou autre...

Come on, Jo.

All right, think I'm deaf. I can hear you.


"Vous êtes fou, ou quoi? Vous êtes malade. "

Well, we disposed of it.

"Qui c'est qui va me payer, moi? Parce que les assurances... les assurances, elles sont jamais pressées. "

"J'ai un hangar qui a brûlé, j'ai toujours pas été remboursé. "

"Un hangar comme ça, on ne va pas m'en faire cadeau. "

"D'autant plus que c'est dangereux. Ils auraient pu tuer quelqu'un. "

Ça, ça suffit à peine.

"C'est pas croyable d'être aussi maladroit!"

"Bon, j'essayerai de m'arranger avec ça, mais... "

This is the life.

He let me down quite disgracefully.

So I'm looking for an architect.

My husband is an architect.

So you put up buildings as well as knocking them down?

He doesn't have a minute to spare.

What about now?

He has a minute to spare.

Good, good. We must talk.

I must tell you I'm in a corner.


Are you all right, honey? Yes.


Isn't that in the guide book?

It could be.

Do let's stop.

I don't want Ruthie to be late for her lunch today.

Yes, well it's off the main road.

I may as well warn you before we get to Greece, that the Acropolis is off the main road.


This is a democratic trip.

Really great to dawdle through and old place like that.

Joanna, I have to thank you.

I thought you didn't like her, Daddy.

Ruthie... Of course I like her.

Then why did Mummy say she was a suburban English nobody?

It's important to the future of our quadripartite relationship to get that remark into a clear context.

I think it best for the future of our quadripartite relationship if we accepted the fact that it has no future whatsoever.

Mark, please, don't be too hasty.

We're through, Howard.

Those things took a lot of arranging.

Listen to me. Try and imagine how Joanna feels.

I can see how she feels.

She'll feel the whole trip's been loused up because of her.

You're a complacent son of...

Abuse me if you want to.

I want to.

You're going to dominate her out of existence.

I'm going to smash your face in.

That isn't a very adult attitude.

Marcus, please. That's the phonograph.

Mark, please.

Come on, Joanna, darling.

You haven't asked her if she wants to abandon the expedition.

Come on, baby.

That, if I may say so, is a very revealing usage.

Calling her "baby" shows that you're thinking and deciding for her.

I warn you solemnly, Marcus.

You're denying her the right to be her own paradoxical self.

You're the largest pocket of untapped natural gas known to man.

They haven't even opened yet.

What is it about?

Who knows?

What do people have rows about?

Money, sex... Sex, money.

He wants, she doesn't want.

She wants, he doesn't want.

He thinks the counter is in the wrong place.

Counter and display case. It's very funny.

Yeah, that's marriage for you.

That's marriage for them.

That's marriage. Full stop.

I'm allowed not to like Howard and Cathy. They're my friends.

You didn't intend to enjoy the trip. You were jealous of Cathy.

It's not my idea of bliss travelling with three Manchester's.

You promised when we were married, you'd always be happy.

Why can't you always be happy?

Because I can't.

You broke your promise.

I am happy usually.

I love you, if that's any good.

That's not the issue.

If it isn't it should be.

You're right.

I'm right?

You're right. Let's find a hotel.

At one o'clock? What do we want a hotel for?

Let's find a hotel.

To hell with the Manchester's. Mr., Mrs. And Miss.

In the future we travel alone or not at all.

"My darling Joanna, so far all goes well.

The car's nearly run in and my patience nearly run out.

I miss you like mad.

I drove nearly all night last night.

I couldn't face one of our hotels without you with me.

I finally slept in the car quite near where we buried the old, burnt out M.G.

I wish to hell I hadn't had to make the trip, but I suppose what with the house and Caroline, it's just as well that I've got some work.

At least this pays better than corporation bus shelters.

And it's a lot more interesting, let's face it.

I think about you all the time.

It's been an uneventful drag so far.

It's a long dull road when you're on your own.

All I care about is getting down there, and doing whatever has to be done and getting back.

When I'm not being woken at three in the morning I feel very paternal and I miss you both more than I can say.

Life's very flat.

I'll probably drive on overnight and get down to the site in the morning.

Two or three sessions with the clients should be enough.

It's typical of me as soon as I get away, all I want to do is get back to you again.

I won't write any more at the moment because I want to get on.

As soon as I have a chance, I'll drop you another line.

Love, love, love...


P.S. The next time we come away, we shall have our own Ruthiebelle with us. "

I don't want any more, Mummy.

Do you want to finish it?

Boiled egg for supper, Carol?

"Un oeuf a la coq, s'il vous plait. "

"Trois minutes et demi. Et du pain et lait. "

"Bien. "

Make sure Carol doesn't fall out of the window or eat any chairs.

Can you?

While I wash out a few things for the morning.



Come on in.

Come here.

Has it come yet?


Carol's supper.


Couldn't you see what's happening to it?

I thought you were watching Caroline.

I'm sorry, but I've got to see "His Majesty" the client tomorrow and I've got to finish this.

I'll go!

I'll go!

Don't bother!

Joanna, I'll go.

Where's out egg? We've been waiting half an hour for our egg.

"Une medie heure pour un oeuf. "

"C'est pas possible. Le chef n'est pas arrive. "

"Quel chef? Pour un oeuf?"

I must ask you.

I must ask you.

You're disturbing the other guests.

I want that egg here in five minutes or we're leaving.

We're leaving.


But Caroline's in her pyjamas.

Caroline can leave in them.

They don't want us here. We're not staying here.

I refuse to be insulted by a fifth rate doss house.

I ask you for a boiled egg and you come with an eviction order.

I've told you. We're leaving.

Let's go!

...he never got home to early tea.

Do it again, Mummy.

The bumble-bee, the bumble-bee, he flew away from the tulip tree, but he made a mistake and flew into the lake and he never got home to early tea.

Daddy do the duck.

Thank you.

It was all my fault, I know.

I've been telling Caroline bedtime stories for an hour.

It'd be nice if you could avoid "fortísimo" for a while.

I quit that hotel because they didn't bring what you wanted.

I didn't want a boiled egg.

I suppose she has nothing to do with you.

You were the one who wanted a child.

Why don't you wake her and tell her that?

I don't want to tell her. I'm telling you.

I love Caroline.

You don't know what love is.

You don't know what love is.

That's tough on me.

All you can do is take the salute at an endless march past of yourself.

I have an appetite, do you?

It wouldn't matter who I was, would it?

I'm willing to call it a day. Do you want to?

You never wanted to call it anything else.

You're damned right.


We can't even have a fight in peace.

Leave me.


They call it the Mediterranean.

There's time for a swim.

I don't understand sex.

Don't worry, it doesn't show.

Why is it we enjoy more and it means less?

Because it isn't personal anymore.

Not personal?

That's right.

"Too late, they cried. "Too late"

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I love you.

Find us a big bed.



Come on.

End of romantic gesture.

That didn't last long.

I believe in short romances.

So do I. Short and happy romances.

Last one in bed turns the light out.

I'll beat you.

It was worth a try.

You know what I dreamt?

What did you dream?

I dreamt that a train drove through the middle of the room at night.

Mr. Freud, what big ears you've got.

All the better to analyse you with.

You said it.

Nothing at all to do with sex whatsoever, but I'm certainly not as frustrated.

That's your story. Try and sell it to Freud.

Sexy, wasn't it?

Okay, you're not frustrated.


Scalding already.

We shouldn't get too much sun.

I don't burn, I've got asbestos skin.

Come on.


Get in.

Come on!


This must be very near the Garden of Eden.

Do you know what marriage is?

You tell me, let's see if we agree.

Marriage is when the woman asks the man to take off his pyjamas because she wants to send it to the laundry.


Very good. I'm hungry and thirsty.

You're never satisfied.

What's wrong being hungry?

It's time you realised that all human appetites are profoundly degrading with the exception of lust.

What if we could clap our hands and someone would bring us a menu.

It'd be nice if we could clap and make everyone disappear?


"Excusez moi, c'est ne pas rien. "

It's just as well. You wouldn't like it.

What'll we do?

Stand very still, for several days.

Maybe it'll go away.

I don't want to stand still. I don't want to stand still at all.

Nor do I.

Come back next week.

Did that hurt?

Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.

It's the first time you said my name as if you really mean it.

Joanna. Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.

I really mean it.

We have a week, asbestos.

I'm not asbestos.


You're not really going to rejoin those poxy choir girls?

I promised. We have a week.

A week?

To hell with it.

It'll only hurt for a minute.

This is the life, eh darling?

Your wife is happy?

It doesn't take much to make her happy.

A villa, swimming pool, champagne, simple things.

You're not angry?


Not to be alone together.

No, we can always be alone together.

I'm waiting to hear from Palamos about a meeting.

Then I'll show you the whole project. If you're interested.

Sure I'm interested.

Perhaps you have to stay a few more days, shall you mind?

I'll suffer.



Come on, give.

Too late.

Come on, sweetheart. We're playing.

Sweetheart, you've been playing for two hours.

"Merci. "


Palamos, I was going to call you today.

I am calling you?

Honey, give me the ball.


Get the ball.

You get it.

I've got sneakers on and things.

Very pretty. Françoise lend them to you?

They're a guest pair. Get the ball.

Probably her son's.

Get the ball.

Or her grandson's.

Will you stop this insane jealousy and get that ball?

There it is.

Come on.

Put me down! Put me down!

Will you get the ball?

Certainly not.

Get it.

Mark, we meet Palamos for drinks at six.

We talk about the scheme and then we make a decision.


Now I've got my shoes wet. I'll probably catch a cold.

How much longer do we have to stay here?

You were the one who got us into this, sugar.

You were the one who sold me to him and you were right.

A chance like this doesn't come up everyday.

Thank God.


I see you at six and I bring the genius with me.

Ciao. Ciao.

Will you please sit down here?

Tonight we all go to the gala. We'll see Palamos there.

I don't have any suitable clothes for a gala.

Then I borrow you.

There you go. Françoise'll borrow you.

Do you mind eating caviar?

No, if we must.

Do you like galas?

Some galas.

Please, could you ring the butler?

That's the only thing wrong here, you don't get much of a sunset.

Joanna. Joanna. Joanna.

How can a week pass so quickly?

We made the mistake of enjoying ourselves.

Don' go tomorrow just don't.

Let's not talk about it. Let's not.

All right. We won't.

We agreed.

Quél gala!

You were marvellous, darling. Absolutely marvellous.

And so funny.

The way you told the story about the sunset.

You charmed the pants of Palamos.

That wouldn't be too difficult, would it?

I knew you'd enjoy it once we got there.

I hated it once we got there.


Because I'm tired of being a parasite.

I want to go. I want to be on our own.

We haven't been here very long.

We've been here month after month for two whole days.

But I'm going to work for the man.

Well I'm not.

I'm not.

Treats by Maurice.

What shall we call the baby?


Our baby.

The baby, I guess.

What is it?

I'm trying to imagine you fat.

What is it?

I'm trying to imagine you thin.

As I said to the Duchess, "If you want to be a Duchess, be a Duchess.

If you want to make love, hats off.

Darling I'll meet you here ten years from now, deal?

You'll be building skyscrapers. You won't have time to come here.

I'll always think of this place as ours.

Here comes Daddy.

What's the matter with you?

If you think I'll wait for ten years and then turn up and say hello.

Nobody wants you to say hello.

Say darling.

Or darling, or anything else.

I never want to see you again.

Then don't.

I hate you.

Joanna, listen!

We both went into this with our eyes open. Nobody deceived anyone, so stop playing the ruined virgin.

It's a tune I've heard before and I didn't like it then.

You're the one who's insisting on going back to your...

Your damned choir.

Joanna, I don't want you to go.

Yes, you do. You want me to become a beautiful memory.

The sooner the better.

Who said anything about beautiful? Will you come here?

I never want to see you again.

Not much...

As long as I live.



I've decided we should get married. What do you say?


I won't ever let you down.

I will you.

I don't care what you do, as long as I've got you.

Joanna Wallace.

You won't be sorry, sir.

You will.

Never, never, never.


We're all down here.

Caroline, I want you to have lunch with Jeanine and Nanny.

Won't that be nice?

And afterwards you can all go for a swim.

David, you're naughty. We expected you yesterday.

I'm sorry. You're very naughty.

Who don't you know?

This is Nick and Michelle. You know them.

And Mark and Maurice.

"Le Comte y la Comtesse. "

Have you met Joanna?


Joanna Wallace, my brother David.

How are you?

She's tired and overheated and has a headache, but apart from that she's fine, thank you.

Mark, I think you're horrible.

Mark, I've given Michelle an island.

When you've finished here, you must come and build us a nest.

You'll be lucky, Nicky. I am lucky.

Mark, I can't hear myself drink.


And they never got home to early tea.

Good morning. Coffee?

Good morning. Thank you.

"S'il vous plait, un autre tasse. "

Caroline sends you her love.

Did you spend the night here?

Yes, it's very comfortable.

You've stayed here before?

Once or twice.

Do you mind if I speak with Joanna alone?

But of course.

Did you sleep in the same room?


In order words you...


Are you in love?


After only one day?

I see.

I'm like that.

Are you?

How many times has this happened before you being like that?

Twice. You and David.

I thought I was going to last a lifetime.

I never meant it to happen.

We suddenly found that we...

Got on?

If you like.

I'm absolutely mad about the idea.

You mustn't blame yourself, you know.

You've got an infernal bloody gall, I must say.

I don't blame myself, I blame you.

But that's ridiculous.

Joanna is my wife, hadn't you heard?

Since some time you've not loved her.

I'm not taking her away from you.


We're simply going away together for a time.

Thanks. That's really set my mind at rest.

I'm sorry we didn't know each other long.

It would've been easier.

Yeah and more fun.

Then you could've had the pleasure of taking your friend's wife.

That's real kicks, eh?

Mark, why don't you come out?

Palamos won't mind.

Hey, not that one!

There's still life in it.

The whole world is changing out of all recognition.

There's no such thing as permanence any more.

No, I suppose not.

We should be glad.

I suppose.

What kind of people sit like that without saying anything?

Married people.


It's so sad.

No, my darling. That's not sad.

When something is finished, one must say it's finished.

I'll always love you, always, always.

No matter what.

No matter what?


As long as I don't catch you.

If you do, you can keep me.

There comes a time, when one must grow...

When the old things are not amusing any more.

How is that?


That was out, you pregnant sow. Leg before driftwood.

Pregnant what?

Pregnant cow.

Pregnant sow.

You'll have to come out eventually.






Give us a kiss.

Well? You must decide.

I know.




I'm back.

Enjoy yourself?

Yes, thank you.

But I missed you.

I did.


Because he was so serious.

I thought you liked that.

But he's so serious.

Remind me to make some funny faces.

You don't need to make funny faces.

Mark, I'm back.

You humiliated me.

You humiliated me and then you come back.

That's right.

Thank God.

Are you sure you remember which one I am?




I've been stupid. So stupid.

We've both...

It was always me really. You were always the one. I'm sorry.

Let's forget it.

Can we forget it?

Can you?

I can.

I'm just glad you're back that's all I care about.

Well, I'm back.

We should've parted then.

Why didn't we?

I didn't have the courage.

You didn't have the courage? What courage did you need?

The courage to see that what was finished was finished.

What was finished?

You know bloody well.

Yes, I do.

David and me. And we finished so?

You're hoping David will be there. Why pretend?

I'm not pretending. I do hope he'll be there.


I like him.

It'll give me someone to talk to when Maurice drags you off for one of his ten minute chats for six hours.

I'm not having any ten minute chats with Maurice.

Pin on a nice smile, darling. We're almost there.

Joanna thought these would go well in the living pit.

Bless you both.

Prettier than ever.

Your prettier than ever.

Everyone's admiring the house, I can't tell you.

Tell me. I can't stand praise unless I have it.

This is a beautiful house. Congratulations.

You must be the architect.

I love the high ceilings.

And the low floors?


You'll never believe this. It's the wildest coincidence imaginable.

When I was on route to the airport, who do you think I bumped into?

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

But Howard and Cathy Maxwell Manchester.

On their way back from the hospital.

She's been undergoing surgery.

Beautiful house. She has a hopeful prognosis.

They told me to call you when I got to Europe.

What a charming couple and everything.

When I called Yvonne and found out you built their new home.

You can imagine!

Isn't that the wildest coincidence imaginable?

Yes, isn't it?

I think you've done fantastic things.

You must be a very happy man.

Yeah, I guess so.

And your wife is such a darling. I've heard so much about her.

You've got a wonderful little boy, haven't you?

No, we've got a wonderful little girl.

That's right. A wonderful little girl.

I'm happy to see a bright and talented man like you break right through to the top.

I only wish Howard and Cathy were here because they believed in you right from the start.

Lf not before. Come along.

Mr. Wallace? Telephone for you.

Follow me, sir. I plug you in.

Follow me. He plugs me in.

They call you from America.

They call me from America.

They call me from here, there, every bloody where.


Hello, Hal. How are you?

It's Hal Van Benius.

What's the story?

It's fixed? That's wonderful.

When do we start?

Yesterday I can't do. I have things to do.


Rome, friday? Yeah.

Yeah, I've got it.

I'll see you then. Great. Bye.

Rome, friday.

So you're very much a success.


Come on.

Shall we dance?

I think it's too early in the evening for that.

Is it ever too early?

Mark. You're here. No one tells me a thing.

I'm repairing the electrics which you should've checked again and no one tells me you're arriving.

There's a great many things I want to discuss with you.

You haven't met my fiancé.

How do you do? Let's go somewhere quiet and we'll talk.

I thought this was going to be a party.

Please, I have problems.

What's the name of your fiancé again?

I don't know I haven't asked. What's your name, darling?


She's very pretty.

You have divorced Joanna?

I don't understand.

The main question is, when are you free?

Joanna, I want you to meet my fiancé, Sylvia Alpino.

Joanna Wallace. David has been telling me about you.


Thank you.

I had a phone call from Hal Van Benius.


I got the job.



You're going to the States?

Only for two years.

Then you must spare me ten minutes. I need your advice.

He's going to see me in Rome on his way through.

Ten minutes?

I've heard the news about you and this wonderful girl here.

I hope you two can be as happy as that couple over there and have a marriage like theirs you haven't got a thing to worry about.

Mark, my problem is very simple, but very complicated.

You must spare me ten minutes. Ten minutes, please.

You're the obvious man since it was your original conception and I think it only fair you should see what you can do...

Everybody jump, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

I think you should supervise...

I hate those occasions.

I hate those occasions. You love those occasions.

I love you.

And I love you.

How long is this going to go on?

How long what?

The pretence that we're happy.

You've never pretended. Who's pretending?

You are, we're happily married and you want to stay with me.

Those are two entirely different things.

You don't have to tell me.

If you had someone else to go to, you don't have to tell me.

Why are you still here?

Because I'm not you.

How long are you going to go on resenting the past?

Who's talking? Just who's talking?

I'm talking. What would you do if we got a divorce?


For how long?

I don't know. Why would we get a divorce?

What if I died or didn't exist?

If I hadn't had chickenpox, I don't know.

I love you.

Well then, well then.

What would you do if I didn't exist?

Probably marry David.

But you do exist.

You knew the answer. So why ask the question?

Because I knew the answer.

There'll never be anyone else like you in my life.

You promise?

I hope.

It's you who can't accept it.

What can't I accept?

Why do you stop the car every time I say something?

What can't I accept?

That we're a fixture. That we're married.

You go on about my leaving you when I'm always still here.

You sure you don't want me to leave you?


Why do you think I'm here?

I don't know. That's the thing.

That's the thing, you never stop to think.

I've stopped to think.

Stop thinking.



I love happy endings.

You're just plain immoral.

How can it be immoral if we're married?

We're going to have to get a divorce.

Come on, Howie. Okay. Okay.

You have to admit it. We've changed.

I admit we've changed.

It's sad, but there it is. Life.

At least you're not a bad tempered, disorganised failure any more.

You're a bad tempered disorganised success.

"Passeport, s'il vous plait. "

Wait a minute.

"Sans passeport vous ne pourrez pas passer le frontière. "

My passports must be in here somewhere.

I've got a very important meeting in Rome.

I've got to get through.