Two Much (1996) Script

Brenda. Brenda. Brenda.

Brenda. Yes?

Mrs. Doyle? Yes?

Can I help you? I am Art Dodge from Art's Gallery on Lincoln Road.

I have Mr. Doyle's painting. Painting?

Yeah, the one he bought last week.

My husband? Benjamin Doyle?

Please accept my condolences. He was a wonderful man, a wonderful man.

I never knew Benjamin to be interested in art.

He was. He really was.


- Good morning. Good morning.

Business letter? What business?

I'm writing my mother for money. I've given up asking you.

Any calls? No.

Come on. None? Power and Light, Ma Bell, Sammy's Deli.

I don't want to know. I'm dead.

Well, that should simplify matters for somebody. Who?

Hillerman. He says he's gonna kill you for up to six months' back rent.

You remind me of my father. Is that a proposition?

Come on.

You both love to read the obituaries.


- Hola, Conchita. Mrs...

- Miss Kerner, please come in. Thank you.

The service is private. I'd like to see Mr. Palletto.

- El senor? El senor.

- I'm afraid that's not possible. What's the matter, Conchita?

Excuse me, I am Art Dodge from Art's Gallery on Lincoln Road... and I have the painting Mr. Palletto bought last week.

I said I'd deliver it today.

I think you better come in. Sure.

You want me to believe my dad bought that?

It was your father? I'm sorry. Well, maybe...

Maybe this is not the right moment, but yeah.

Last Monday at my gallery.

That's strange. Last Monday Dad was in a hospital.

Did I say "last Monday"?

Maybe... maybe it was two Mondays ago.

All I know is it was definitely a Monday.

What's definite is you're a son of a bitch... with no respect for a dead man... or his family's suffering.

But you're lucky.

I'm going to help you understand what suffering is.

I... I can come back another time.

My father hated modern art.

He thought the people who made it were pansies... and the people who bought it were suckers.

But they love it.

When they get through with you... your face is gonna look like a Picasso.

Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding.

What did you say your father's name was?


Let me in.

I'm sorry, Mama. Thank you. Thank you, dear.

Thanks for coming, Betty.

Good-bye, Gene.

You have my deepest sympathy.

No. You have mine.

I hope time heals all your...

You're pushing it, pal. Pain.


Maria, take care of Mama.

Betty. Betty. We need to talk.

I have nothing to say to you, Gene. I only came out of respect for your father.

Well, Betty, look. I'm in bad shape.

I'm at home crying my eyes out, and you're out having a good time.

I'd be having a better time if you didn't follow me everywhere I went.

You know the happiest day of my father's life?

The day you and I got married.

You know the happiest day of my life? What?

The day we got divorced.

Now get out of my way and leave me alone, you big bully.

Betty, Betty. I'm seeing Dr. Huffeyer.

Oh, great. That's just great.

Out of all the shrinks in Miami, you have to go see mine?

Well, I'm not gonna see him anymore because I don't want to share anything with you... not even this planet! He's helping me change.

I'm channeling all my anger into some positive crap.

Listen to me, damn it! I've changed!!

I love you!


You can come out now.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That was exciting, with those big lugs looking for you... and Gene standing there not knowing you were in the back seat.

I had a hunch something great was gonna happen today.

- It did. I'm still alive. Yeah.

Sorry. For now. Thanks to you.

I'm Betty. Betty Kerner.

Art Dodge. It's really nice to meet you, Art.

Same here, Betty.

I guess you are not going downtown, right?


Let me see if you got this right.

- Arriba. Arriba.

- Abajo. Abajo.

- Al centro. Al centro.

- Por dentro. Por dentro.

I'm loaded. What about you?

No.

No, I cry too much. Don't you ever cry?

Oh, yeah, sure I do. Whenever I pay taxes, which isn't often anyway.

You're crazy. So are you.

A match made in heaven.

A very long, pretty blond eyelash.

Take it with your finger. Yeah.

Okay. Make a wish.

Okay. Blow it away.

Who is it?

It's Ellen, darling. Open up.

Oh, gee, in a second. Just...

I was right.

A match made in heaven.


Hey, that's Betty Kerner.

And who's that bimbo with her?

Let's check it out.

They say that the third time is the charm.

Third what?

Marriage.

Who was the first?

Gene.

Who was the second? Gene.

You married that guy twice?

Now ask me who's gonna be the third.

Miss Kerner. Hey, Miss Kerner, who's your new friend?

My fiancé.


Cool.


One, two, three!

Boom, boom! Can you guess what I am thinking?

Can you guess what I'm thinking?

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm... I'm sorry. I thought that...

You can go out the same way you came in.

Sure... I'm sorry.

Wild guess, but are these yours?

Yes.

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I know. Now try "good-bye."

Good-bye.

Oh, Dios.

But I have to have it fitted tomorrow.

Ciao.

- How long have you known him? Seems like forever.

Less than 24 hours then.

Oh, yes, Hopper. Of course you can be the flower dog.

Right?

So do I get a new bridesmaid's getup, or should I just put some more miles on the old one?

Good morning. Good morning.

- You've met my sister Liz already. Yeah.

Lay down, now.

Hello?

No, no, no, the invitations should read "The Honorable Art Dodge," don't you think?

The invitations? Yeah. Engraved.

And they should be in the mail by Tuesday.

Okay. Ciao. Fantastic. Bye.

Betty, can I talk to you alone? Yeah, in one second.

In one second.

Father Larrabee.

He's on the golf course?

- You hooked yourself the big one, didn't you? Do you have a cellular number?

This must go way beyond your wildest little gigolo dreams.

Okay. Thanks. Isn't he adorable?

Yeah. Betty, we need to talk.

Wait. What about? Your allowance?

- Father Larrabee, it's Betty. Look...

- I don't need to. I've seen enough. It's good? Great.

No, no. He's a different one.

Yes, but he's wonderful, and you'll love him.

I'll talk to you soon. Bye.

So how does the third sound?

It's my birthday. I'll be 33.

It's my third wedding, and three is my lucky number.

Great. Great. Yes?

I've got to go to work. It has a job. How refreshing.

- Gotta go. Bye. Have a good day.

Come on, buddy. Come on, boy.

I don't think she likes me. Don't listen to her.

She's been involved with this guy who's a married man. It's been a really bad deal.

I see congratulations are in order.

I am not getting married. It's like a big misunderstanding.

- Okay? So, like, you've explained it to her... and everything's all straightened out for ya?

Well, no, not exactly.

Everything is totally high or low with her.

She'll be down on me soon enough, and then it'll all be over.

Trust me. She's a girl with big extremes.

So I see. Manny's in there.

He's been in there for an hour.

Come on, Gloria. What do you want me to do?

I feel sorry for the guy. We owe him for two paintings.

Is the I RS in there? Maybe you feel sorry for everyone I owe.

Everyone? No. I don't believe in self-pity.

Manny. Just the man I wanted to see.

Art. What's that?

This is terrific.

I can sell it in a week. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's been hanging here for three months. Really?

I'm taking them all home.

- Art? Yeah?

You still haven't paid me for the last two.

Wha... You should thank me.

Manny, if Vincent van Gogh... had been paid for his paintings... they would be worthless today.

You shouldn't be thinking about money. You're an artist.

You're a real one. I can see that in your eyes.

Yeah, yeah! Believe me. Yeah.

You know... You know, Manny...

Manny, go home and paint.

Paint, Manny, paint. Come on.?

Yeah, yeah. Maybe you're right. Yeah, I'm right.

But what about you? What about me? What? What?

You were good. Good is the same as bad.

It has to be brilliant.

Yeah. So why is it hanging on your wall?

Well, it's just... reminding me not to pick up a brush again.

Yeah. You like it? Take it.

It's yours. Consider it an advance on what I owe you.

I don't know what to say. Don't say anything.

Real artists don't need words.

All right.

Good-bye. See you?

What's Manny doing with your painting? I'm redecorating.

It was the nicest thing in here.

Excuse me, miss.

You have a provocative work of art here.

May I take it home and live with it for a few days... before I make my final decision?

And which work of art would that be?

You. You're the most beautiful one here.

No, I will not go home with you, Mr. Dodge.

I'm sorry. Have we met? See, sometimes my memory fails me.

I have... Korsakov's Syndrome, which means...

If it means always hitting on me, I'd say you have a terminal case.

Art, your dad's here. I...

Dad, what are you doing here? I told you I'd pick you up.

I wanted to save you the trouble.

The last time you saved me the trouble, I had to track you down at the police station.

I was not lost.

I was arrested for demonstrating against the death penalty.

Me and my comrades from the Lincoln Brigade.

Did I ever show you my scar?

She has seen it. It's a lovely scar, Mr. Dodge.

I'm the only man alive with two navels.

What's this?

We live in a big, red, horrible building.

That was in Madrid, remember?

We moved here four years ago when Mom died.

Your mother was a fine woman. Don't drag her into this.

Come on. Well, this is our home now.

I know that. You got the big room.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

You have the one with the best ventilation. That's true.

Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes. That is exactly what I want.

Hold on. Okay, one cake with the three in Roman numerals.

That way each one can be a different flavor.

One could be vanilla, one could be carrot, and one could be strawberry.

What? Mocha. That sounds good.

Should we lose the vanilla or the strawberry?

Betty, we need to talk and... He wants to talk about it.

- I'll call you back. Good-bye. Excuse me.

I am not losing the carrot. God, you are so gorgeous.

You know that? You're gonna look so good with me up at the altar.

Excuse us a second. Can you come here? Yeah.

Listen, Betty...

I couldn't sleep last night...

I don't know where to begin.

You are so... special.

Yeah. One in a million. A real lifesaver.

I owe you big time. No.

But, you know, I was thinking...

"Betty is just too good for me."

It's like a voice that says...

"Art, you don't deserve her."

It... What are you saying?

A-All I am saying... is... is just...

Two weeks. Is that long enough? I mean, marriage.

Huge in the decision department, right?

What the hell did you do to my sister? Nothing, nothing.

I... Don't you hurt her.

All I said to her was that we were moving a little too fast.

I thought guys like you always moved too fast.

If you're gonna play the stud, at least have the common decency... to do it well and make her happy.

Betty...

I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean to upset you. Oh, darling, I'm strong.

I spoke to Dr. Huffeyer... and he said that as long as I externalize my feelings... without inhibition... even my anger... then everything is fine.

So I'm fine.

And I don't want you to feel that you can't be... completely honest with me... because marriage needs to be based on openness and trust... as well as basic sexual compatibility.

Everything is fine.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Everything is fantastic.

Good. Except for your sister.

I don't think she's too crazy about me.

Well, that's because you're not her type.

I mean, she teaches modern art at the university, for God's sake.

She goes for those quasi-intellectual types... with the glasses and the frown lines... and Siberian movies.

Don't. I don't want to hear it anymore.

You're not gonna leave her.

She knows it. You know it.

And finally, I know it.

Bye.


What's this? Mrs. Doyle returned it.

What kind of country is this... where people don't even respect the last wishes of the dead?

Shall I read you the mail or throw it directly into the wastebasket?

You should only read love letters.

But they are love letters.

Here's a love letter from the bank... and one from the insurance company... and very romantic.

A letter from your optician... accompanied, of course, by the bill for your last contacts.

Bills, bills, bills.

Is that all people ever think about?

What if I don't pay? What are they gonna do, gouge my eyes out?

I wouldn't give them any ideas.

Pay the man.

Is Mr. Dodge in?

Do me a favor and tell my brother Arthur to stop playing hide-and-seek with me.

Tell him I need to speak to him tonight, you understand?

Mr. Dodge. You are looking for my brother too?

If you see him before I do, please tell him I am in town.


Tell him I am in town.

Tell him...

Bart is in town.


Art Dodge, please.

Someone who sounds like Art calling for Art.

Hello? Hello. I'm calling Art Dodge.

His gallery said I could reach him at this number.

Fifteen minutes? I'll call back.

It's his brother, Bart.

All right. Fine. Bye.

Fine, fine. Fine.

Gloria, it's me. Listen, it's important.

Call me at Betty's in exactly... twenty minutes.

Hi.

Hi.

Your brother called. What? What did you say?

She said your brother called. What's the matter? Is he dead?

Since when do you have a brother? Since I was 12 minutes old.

You're twins? Yeah.

Absolutely identical. Yeah.

That's a happy thought.

Well, we look the same, but, we've got nothing in common.

I mean, he paints, he broods, he lives for his art.

He doesn't even like to sell it.

Maybe he just likes what he does.

Yeah, who knows? It takes all kinds.

You know what? He burns some of his paintings. He's... He's crazy.

That sounds like a colossal waste of time to me.

Sounds like he might even be a human being.

- When was the last time you saw him? Years.

Last I heard, he was in Italy.

Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah. Hold on. It's for you.

For me?

Really?

Hello? At the tone, the time will be... exactly 8:30. Beep.

Gloria, Gloria. Have you got Bart there?

I just don't know how to answer that one. Let me talk to him.

There must be an easier way to get a girl into the sack.

Bart? Oh, God!

I can't believe it's you, man!

I can't believe this is how I'm using my degree in architecture.

How long are you here for? What are your plans?

Met this guy a couple of days ago, works for Sentinel Express.

Maybe we'll have a few drinks. I'll check out his overnight delivery.

You know, I really want to see you.

Your relationships with women are getting more and more bizarre, Art.

You want to get that looked at. When can we get together?

Maybe you should try the personals. You know what I mean?

I see, I see. Have you considered masturbation?

Well, I can't promise anything.

Oh, come on. Promise me something.

Okay, we'll talk tomorrow. Sure, if you're still alive and out of a straitjacket.

Seriously. Look after yourself, will ya?

You now owe me four weeks' salary.

Okay, okay. See you. All right? Okay.

Bye, bye, bye.

This guy is incredible.

Love to meet your family.

Personally, I'd rather meet the Manson family.

"Furthermore, Mr. President..."

"the situation in Algiers is a disaster."

Dad, Bart's in Miami.

"And the firing..."

"of the surgeon general..."

"was a major..."

"mistake."

"What a woman."

I said Bart is in town.

That's nice.

You... You know who Bart is, don't you?

Of course I do.

I mean, your son, my twin brother.

I know who Bart is! Okay, okay, okay.

Just because someone might call and want to talk to him.

Or you... you might meet someone who mentions him to you.

I just don't want you to act like you've never heard of him. You know what I mean?

Believe me, if I'm gonna forget either son... it'll be you.

Thank you.

I'm not going to help you!

The next time you're in a jam, I'd prefer you were straight with me!

I knew it. I mean, yes, yes.

Your brain works just fine when something's in it for you, of course.

Listen, you son of a bitch, and may your mother forgive me.

What is this bullshit all about?

Well, I was just trying to get you to help me without having to ask you.

That's all. So ask me.

I'm your father, right?

Is it money or women?

No, it's... You don't have to help me.

No, no, you don't want to, you don't have to do it.

Money or women? Women.

Is she... special?

So what's the problem?

I'm gonna get married. It's about time.

To her sister.

Her sister.

This... This twin... with the idiotic name.

He's going to fix all that?

Damned if I know.

Listen, any second now a woman is gonna walk in here asking for me.

Tell her I am not in, but she can speak to my brother Bart.

Bart. Get it?

Yeah, I lie to the woman you're engaged to, but it's not as bad as it sounds.

I get it.


Good morning. Good morning!

May I help you? Yeah.

I'm looking for Mr. Art Dodge.

He's not in at the moment.

But if you like, you can speak with his brother... Bart.

Bart's here? I'd love to meet him.

You mean you don't know him? Well, he just arrived from Italy.

Of course.

And who shall I say is here?

Betty Kerner, Art's fiancée.

Bart? Yes?

Your... brother's fiancée is here.

A Miss Kerner. Please, send her in.

Right this way.

Thank you. You're very welcome.

So, you are Betty.

I'm surprised.

So am I.

You're not at all alike.

My brother is obviously attracting more perceptive women these days.

Thank you. What do you mean, "these days"?

Well, let's just say... the girls he used to bring around... didn't have your class... or subtlety.

My brother has a certain charm.

But don't you find him a little... boring... a bit limited?

Not yet.

Art says you're an artist.

You can't really say that about a person until he's been dead at least, ten years.

What a point of view.

That's so pedantic.

I mean romantic.

My sister would love you.

Why don't you come by with Art for dinner tonight?

And you can talk about art and the meaning of life.

I.. I... I won't take no for an answer.

9:00. Okay. Okay.

I can't wait for my brother.

Miss Fletcher, if my brother shows up... please tell him I need to speak to him.

Betty, a pleasure.

Until tonight, then.

Yeah. Tonight.


Hey! Hi. Hi.

- Betty! You been here long? No.

I met your brother.

You're right. He's very complicated. Yeah.

But you know what? He would make a great best man.

Fabulous idea! He'll love that.

I am not sure.

I'll check it out. Okay.

Your brother wants you to call him anyway. It sounded important.

Darling, would you wait for me in the car? I won't be long.

Okay. You'll be at the wedding?

Wouldn't miss it. Okay.

You know, I don't mind lying about the check being in the mail... or that some kid's the new Jackson Pollock... but I just don't think $7.50 an hour covers whatever this is.

Well, you choose.

It's that or back to the suicide hot line.

Art? What now?

My name is Gloria. Don't you ever call me Miss Fletcher again.

What are you doing here? Why do you follow me everyplace that I go?

I'm not following you. I'm looking out for you. Someone's gotta protect you.

- You can't take care of yourself. I don't want your protection.

- I want you to leave me alone. What are you doing with this guy?

Yeah, Art, Art, it's... it's great to see you again.

You know, Betty's been saying such wonderful things about you.

Don't touch him! Don't even get near him.

I'm just trying to congratulate him. Anyone who makes you happy makes me happy.

You are not fooling me, Gene. I know you.

No, you know the old Gene. I'm not the same guy. I mean, give me a chance.

I... here. Here. I brought you some flowers.

Thank you. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I'm just a warmhearted guy. Wh... What are you...

Hey! Hey! What... What are you doing?

What are you doing? Giving him the kiss of death?

Kiss of death? What kiss of death? What is that?

He kisses you, you're history.

- Didn't you ever see The Godfather? Which one?

Just a moment, sir. Sure.

You must be Bart.

And you must be Liz.

So Art told you about me?

Well, he tells me that you two... got off on the wrong foot.

That's a very artful way of putting it.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

I know he comes off as a little... Slick?

Slick. Really?

I think he's cool. Cool, slick. Whatever.

It's... it fits him. He's a very smooth operator.

He had to be to survive.

Survive what? Well, we grew up without any money.

You know, I was an artist, and the kids used to kick my ass all the time.

- He protected me. Hello, Bart.

Hi. Hi. Art just called and he can't come.

He said there's some kind of problem with your dad?

Yeah, the old man's got Korsakov's Syndrome. You know, memory problems.

Well, it was very nice of Art to let you come.

Very nice. He's got a very nice side to him.

Dinner's out on the veranda.

This way.

This is a very nice house? Thank you.

Glad you came?

For me, there is only Rimbaud.

Rimbaud. Why?

Well, it's obvious. He's the original.

I mean, Seagal and Van Damme are just cheap imitations.

I admire him because he had the good sense... to quit while he was still ahead.

I disagree. I think that two sequels was plenty.

Honey, Rimbaud, not Rambo. Poet, French, dead.

I'm just trying to change the subject before I fall asleep... face down in my plate.

So are you saying that all artists should quit when they're 18?

Well, no, but th-they should have enough sense to stop... when their best work is behind them.

You're not gonna smoke that, are you?

No, I'm gonna eat it.


Excuse me.

My ex-brother-in-law. He's big on drama.

Unlike your sister.

Get off of my dock, you maniac.

Are you crazy? Somebody should take you away and, and lock you up.

Do you know what day this is, darling?

Yeah, it's the day they take out the trash. It's our anniversary.

No, it's not. Our anniversary is June 8.

Our second anniversary.

You came all the way here to tell me that?

I've been paying Dr. Huffeyer a lot of money so that I could forget it.

Remember the church in Cabo?

That funny little priest.

The burro that ate my bouquet.

It's not gonna work.

No, but the music is great.

Why, thank you.

Hi, there.

Go for it.

Fireworks and flowers are not gonna do it, Gene, and neither are mariachi.

They were playing this song.

These are the guys. I flew 'em in first class.

I even had to get Pablo out of prison, so it would be perfect for you.

Dance with me?

Go away.

Please?

One last time.

On my honor, I'll never bother you again.

Dance with me?

Have you ever been married?

No. Never.

Hopper.

So Hopper is illegitimate.

Yeah.


Would that little monkey of yours do this for you?

If there's an ape in my life, it's you.

Get out of here! What did I do?

Of all the manipulative, scum-sucking... Good night.

Good night. I hate you, Eugene Palletto.

So...

do we have to stop dancing?

No. Nah.

It's as if he wants me to be, like, this perfect housewife, but we're not even married.

It's so ridiculous.

Then afterwards, you know, it's really hard for me to be mad at him... for too long because I love him so... But that's the point.

The machine creates the tension.

Bart? Hi.

Hi. What a surprise. What are you doing here?

I work here. That's right, that's right.

You have time for a coffee? Yeah.

Good. Let's go. Okay.

Okay, guys, it was very nice talking to you?

- Bye-bye. All right. Bye.

All right.

Unfortunately, they don't emphasize technique these days.

Perfect. You can smother an idea with technique.

But these kids have things in their heads they can't get down on paper.

What good is an idea if it stays up here?

You might as well be an artist who doesn't paint.

Now, that's my definition of a coward.

Are you working now?

I can't seem to stop.

I'd love to see some of your work.

But you just got here, so there's probably nothing to show yet.

Actually, I shipped a few pieces here and...

Really?

If you got a little time... Now is good.

Now? Yeah.

Okay, great, great...

Just let me make a call, and we're on our way.

Okay.

Manny, it's Art. Listen.

You've got to come over to the gallery. People are going nuts about you.

Art's Gallery.

Gloria, it's me. This is crucial. You gotta do me a favor.

Oh, joy. Look, Manny'll be there any minute.

Is he gonna be a twin too? This is not a game.

Keep him there for an hour. How do you propose I do that?

Use your charm.


- I'm nervous... Don't be.

You're the first person to see them in a long time.

They are no big deal, really.

Bart, they're very good. I like them.

I like them a lot.

Good.

Is that yours? Yeah.

I love that. Yeah?

It's beautiful. You know why?

No.

It's both simple and heartfelt.

Keep it.

What? Are you kidding? Take it. My gift.

Oh, no, I couldn't. Of course you can.

I want you to have it.

Please.

I love this.

Good.

Well, I better go.


You were very talented.

Todavia no se porque lo dejaste. Este es muy bueno.


Hi. How was your swim?

Art's Gallery.

Gloria, any messages for me?

Hillerman. He read about your, "merger with the Kerner fortune..." is, I believe, how he put it... so he's raising the rent. Any other calls?

One, but it's not for you.

If you see your brother Bart, tell him I have a message for him.

Wait, wait, wait!

Art's Gallery.

Gloria, this is Bart. Do I have any calls?

As it happens, a certain Liz Kerner called.

She said she'd call back.

Bart, I'm worried about your brother.

You should be, Gloria. We'll discuss it later.

I'm going to fix myself a drink.

- Anybody want anything? I'd love a vodka tonic.

- Liz, what about you? No, thanks.

No, Hopper, it's not me. It's not me.


No, cancel that order! Excuse me.

Maria, could you use another phone? Thank you.

What? What? No, forget it!

Don't accept those conditions.

Hello?

This is Bart Dodge. May I speak to Liz, please?

Hello? Liz? It's Bart.

You called? Yeah.

We were having kind of a lazy day here and...

You want to come by? Your brother's here.

Can't make it this afternoon.

How about dinner, then? Just the two of us.

Sure. Good. Much better.

9:00 okay?

Can you make it a bit later? 9:30, then.

Let's compromise. 10:00.

Okay. You want to talk to Art?

Sure. Put him on.

Okay, hold on a second. Art!

Phone for you. It's your brother.

Can you hold that? Yeah.

Thanks. Thanks.

Bart?

That's no problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Sounds great. Yeah, well. See you later.

Bye.

Yeah. I forgot the ice.

Here you are. Thank you.

How's Bart?

Bart. Bart's fine. He's fine.

Very happy, actually.

Betty, I got a problem making dinner tonight...

Miss this dinner, my darling... and your problems are just beginning.

Oh, la, la, monsieur. What?

If you permit me to say, you are committing a hideous crime.

Doctors orders. It's the only way she can take her medicine.

Monsieur, that is a Chateau Fontegnac.

This is not a wine to toy with.

- Pardon. Look, buddy, it's my wine.

I paid for it.

Now, if I want to piss in it, that's my business.

- Okay? As you wish, monsieur.

Espece de cochon.

Excusez-moi.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Arriba. Abajo.

- Al centro. Por dentro.

Whatever.


Art, I love you.

I know.

I'm sorry.


I wanted to see if...

Aiieee! Ai, ai, ai!

It's always raining when you need a cab.

Do you think Art has anything I could change into?

Upstairs?

Are you hungry?

Famished.

Here? Yeah. Do you know it?

I had dinner here not too long ago.

It's okay.

People sure stare at you. No, they're looking at you.

Nice to see you again, monsieur.

We'd like a bottle of wine.

Chateau Fontegnac.

Alas, monsieur, I am desolated.

Some person... has committed an atrocity... against the very last bottle.

I think if you take a careful look in the cellar, you'll find another one.

Certainement, monsieur.

If you promise not to piss in it.

He's French. They shouldn't let him out of the cellar.

Yeah.

So, your sister... my brother.

Think we'll be dancing at their 50th wedding anniversary?

I have no idea.

She might just marry him twice and then move on to the next lucky contestant.

You know, Art is a little worried.

He thinks they might be rushing things and...

It's too late now. The Titanic has already sailed.

Maybe you can talk to Betty about it, be the voice of reason.

The only voice Betty listens to is the call of the wild.

Yes.


Perfect.

- Thank you. Je vous en prie.

Shall I distract the lady now while you slip... a little something into her wine?

What a character?

You really crack me up.

Dites donc.

To you.

I hope we can be friends. We'll have to be.

We'll be related, almost like brother and sister.

Right.

You don't like the idea?

Yeah, yeah. It's just that... this makes what I'm thinking about taboo in most civilizations.

Would you like to come in?

Maybe I should go home.

Nobody's waiting up for you, are they?

So to top it all off... he shoots his underpants over the shower door to me.

No, I don't believe it.

Poor guy. What a way to start a day.

How about me?

Well, you were taking a shower.

I mean, he was the one humping the glass door.

He must have been terribly humiliated.

Right. I was just violated.

Not you. You are too tough.

Tough?


Too tough?


No, no, no.

No, Betty.

No, Betty, no, no.

No, no.

No, no!

You were dreaming about my sister.

Yeah. Yeah.

When we were growing up, every boyfriend I had had a crush on her.

Did that sound like a good dream?

No, I guess not.

I was at the wedding.

It was a nightmare. I was the...

The best man... and I couldn't move.

And then... there you were...

Beautiful and perfect.

Let's just forget about Betty and Art.

Yeah. Let's forget 'em.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

To splash some cold water on my face.


God.

I have this incredible headache.

Me too. You do?

I think I need an aspirin. Yeah.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Aspirin. Aspirin. Yeah.

Bart?

I'll be right out.

I feel like my head's gonna pop... like I've been in a coma or something.

Will you rub my neck for a minute?

- Neck? Yeah, yeah. Please?

Thanks.

Did I drink a lot last night?

Well...

Right. What's wrong?

Forgot the aspirin. We both had too much last night.


Hey, what took you so long?

I... I hopped in the shower. I need one too.

I'm late for work. Yeah, and...

Art?

Art!

You're not dressed yet. No.

I think I'm going to take a shower.

Another one?

Yeah, I forgot my ankles.


- You up? Didn't you hear me calling you?

Soap in my ears.

Did I leave the water on? Yeah.


- Hey. Hi.

I gotta go, but you stay.

I'll have Maria make you breakfast. Yeah. That's okay.

I'd better be off. I don't want to run into Bart... Art!

I'll call you later. Sure.

Bye.


Art?

Art! What?

I'm leaving now.

I have a date.

You're on the 9:00 to Puerto Vallarta.

I'm just going to fall back and... regroup for a while and... make a plan.

Dumping one sister at the altar... and leaving the other with a cheap one-night stand?

That's some fine plan.

You should write that down.

You know... 1,000 ways to humiliate... degrade, generally make everyone miserable.

See ya.

- All right. I'm gonna play these ones.

Give me... You want two fives still?

I'll take one.

- What you got? I'll take one.

- I'll take two. You're taking two?

- Two I'm taking. All right.

- Give me one. I'll take one.

Hey, wait a minute. That's my card. What's the matter with you?

Hey, hey, hey. I need your help.

I saw you pull an ace out of your shoe. I didn't do it!

I'm in a jam. You gotta help me. I can't. I'm in a hole.

This is serious. You gotta go out, start the car and wait for me.

Let me finish this hand. There is no time. Someone is after me.

Cool! Way better than poker. Better than poker!

Where's my hat?

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Come on, boys! I don't wanna be late! Okay! Go, go!

The car is right here. Move, move!

All right. Come on! Let's go, let's go!

- I'm bad at driving. Who's driving? Who's driving?

Just get in.

Okay, let's go, let's go.

All right, get back in there.

You remember how, don't ya? Of course I do.

Idiot son of mine. Who else would own a stick shift?

It's like making love to a woman... put it in slowly and then floor it.

What do you know? You haven't even got a license!

- It's only because I can't see. What are you doing? It's not even raining!

I don't know. Wait a minute. Something...

I don't understand!

All right!

Move! Move! Let's go!

Come on!

There! Hey! Now you're talking!

Take it slowly!

Go back to the home, you old farts!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Positively Homeric!

- I can't, I'm telling you! I'm telling you! I'm telling you!

El embrague! El embrague!

Eso, eso! Alli, arriba!

Taxi!

Hey! They're coming! Let's go! Let's go!

No! Hey!


I can't concentrate on these pedals!

I'll steer! Just step on it!

Come on!

It's all right! Look out!

Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! Stomp on it!

There's a valley in Spain called Jarama It's a place that we all know so well It was there that we gave of our manhood Where so many of our brave comrades fell Viva la República!

Go, go! We can make it!

Stop! We're gonna die!

Relax! It'll be fine! I've seen it done a thousand times!

Not in real life!

Yes! Yes! We done it!


All right, all right. Let him out.

I think I can do it. One leg at a time.

My behind is broken. I got it, I got it.

I'll never dance again. I know it. Okay, you guys go ahead.

I'll get the car back tomorrow, all right?

And hey, hey... Thanks.

Son, don't let that asshole brother of yours get you into any more trouble.

Next time you have a problem, call me.

These guys are useless. I will.

- Avanti. We are proud of the Lincoln Battalion And the fight for Madrid that we made There we fought like true sons of the people As part of the 15th Brigade

Art. I know you hate me, but can I come in?

I'm not alone.

Manny. Hi, Art.

I took your advice about the charm.

So maybe I got a little carried away. I'll say.

Well... Is something the matter?

I was just looking for a quiet place to spend the night, but...

- It wouldn't be here, would it? Wait a second.

You and... Manny?

When I said his brush strokes spoke volumes...

I had no idea.

You know what else? No, please. Don't tell me.

Key to the studio.

- You can spend the night there. Thanks, Manny.

Who is it?

Hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait...

Are you guys crazy or what? I think we're "what."

Wait. Wait...

- no. Not his face!

We want the groom to look pretty tomorrow.

- He might not dance so good. Look...

I am leaving. She's all yours.

Yeah, schmucks like you always bail out at the last minute... no matter who takes the fall.

Luckily I'm here to protect Betty.

You started somethin', and you're gonna finish it.

You're gonna go there and marry her tomorrow... and what's more, you're gonna make her happy.

Because, so help me, if you ever make Betty cry...

I'm gonna break one bone for every tear.

And you know she cries a lot.

I just gotta get rid of all of this negative energy!

- Doctor's orders! Not his face, boss!

- Who says? You did, boss.

You did, boss. Y-you did.

You always gotta listen to the boss.


Oh, my God.

Bart?

Oh, my...

Are you all right?

I've been better.

Here, let me help you.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. Is something broken?

A rib, maybe. Owwie.

It's okay. It's okay.

We should call somebody.

What?

You're so... lovely.

Please be quiet. No, no. I mean it.

When you are like this...

Frowning...

It is fantastic.

I am very happy you came.

I think you're getting better.

Tell me what happened.

What happened?

I love you, Liz.

That's what happened.

From the moment I laid eyes on you... when I stepped in the shower... and there you were... glaring at me through the water.

That was Art. Yeah.

I am Art.

What kind of joke is this? It's not a joke. It's not a joke.

All right, what does Betty keep on her night table?

Five bottles of pills and... three boxes of Kleenex and... a beautiful picture of you.

I can't believe this. Sure you can.

Sure you can.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can.

I believe you can betray Bart like this, betray my sister, betray me...

No, the person I've betrayed the most... is myself.

Why? Because you stopped?

Because you could've gotten away with it?

Yeah, you really blew it. I want you to be with me.

Not with someone else.

You know...

I've always loved you.

Don't. Please.

Don't do this. Please, please. Please.


You know what I'm thinking about?

Your mother.

I'm sure she'd give you a good whipping.

You sure as hell deserve one.

Yeah.

I remember when you and Bart were born.

She cried for a whole month.


You sure someone who lives in this house wants to marry you?

Not me, Dad. Art. Art!

What amazes me is that Art doesn't want to marry someone who lives in this house.

What made you change your mind?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Congratulations. No, Manny.

I am not the one who's getting married.

It's my brother Art. You follow?

Yeah, sure. Bart.

My name is Bart. Bart.

We could speak to the preacher.

I'm sure he'd marry us on the spot.

I'd love to, but you're just too young and foolish for me.

Bart.

Hi.

Hi.

What? I have to tell you something.

But I don't want you to get angry. Promise me.

I could never be angry with you. Not with me, with your brother.

What? He told me that he loved me last night.

Well... You promised.

We can't let him marry Betty.

Great.

What you do now is tell Betty what you just told me.

Right. You're right.

Yeah.

It's just that it's so hurtful.

And you... I'm really sorry.

I know, I know, I know.

Liz.

Do you feel anything for Art?

No.

How did things get so screwed up?


I gotta get these checked.

I saw Art last night... and he said some things that made it clear... that he's not ready for the kind of commitment that you deserve.

Well, I think he is.

He said he's had feelings for me since the day he met me.

No offense, Lizzie, but your record with men is really not all that great.

You've never known how to read them and you still don't.

He said... he loved me.

Well, I'm sure that he does.

He kissed me.

There. I kissed you too.

But that doesn't mean that I'm in love with you.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you.

Art? Yes, Manny, yes.

I'm glad you could make it. One more Dodge and we can have a used car lot.

You knew Ernest Hemingway personally?

- Hi. Yes. We played golf together.

- See you later? Hemingway never hit the front lines... until the only people aiming at him were the photographers.

I mean no.

So, my dear, just relax and follow your instincts.

Fly in the sky, free like a bird.

What have you done?

Don't you know that it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?

I'm sorry.

We're not gonna have bad luck, are we?

'Cause I just want everybody to be happy.

So, you must be the famous Art.

Dr. Huffeyer, I presume.

Huffeyer. A pleasure. Yes. Right.

Betty talks about you all the time.

I have to admit I'm even just a little bit jealous.

What you have achieved in a very short time I haven't come close to in years of treatment.

What a beautiful ring. Where did you find it?

You're not going to believe this, but it fell from heaven.

Does it say "Love you, Huffy" on the inside?

It's... It's... It's my ring.

I need it. Sorry... Sorry, Doctor.

See you later?

Are you really going to go through with this?

Any reason I shouldn't?

Bart's looking for you everywhere. Is he?

He wants to talk to you. He told you that?

Yes. Now stay here. It's incredibly important.

He told you that too? Yes.

I'm gonna go get him. You just wait here. Don't move.

Did you tell Betty about last night?

You...


Grow up!

Hello? Maria.

Get me Dr. Huffeyer. I'll check the garden, miss. Hold on one second.

Bart. Bart, I've been looking for you everywhere.

Betty won't listen to me. You have to convince Art to call it off.

Right. No, no, this way. This way.

Bye.

So what is the big deal? What do you want me to do?

Hold up the ceremony? I won't let him make my sister unhappy.

Is that the only reason?

Okay.

I'm gonna look for him right now.

He's waiting for you.

Here?

Art?

Art.

Look, man.

You can't do this to Betty. You've got to call it off.

You amaze me.

You just show up after four years, and right away you launch into sermons?

- Geez, Bart! Art?

- Sermon, my ass. Bart?

You are about to make the all-time biggest possible mistake, and you know it.

And look at me when I am talking to you! You are going to make Betty totally miserable.

Everything is so damned simple for you.

Look, in two days, you've got everything... everything I've always wanted.

Your problem is, you've never known what you've wanted.

Hello!

Maybe I don't know what I want... but at least I don't run away every time there is a problem!

Did he think he could pull this off?

Does your brother think I'm brain-dead? Shut up! Don't answer that!

I could change my mind and croak you right here!

Gene. Listen good. I mean, Bart is right.

You are the one who is in love with Betty, and you're telling me to marry her?

It doesn't make any sense. When was the last time things made any sense?

What you want, what I want, isn't worth squat.

The only thing that matters here is what Betty wants...

And what she wants is you.

And so help me God, she's going to get you, probably not for long.

See, guys like you, you come and go. You're just a temp!

But I'm forever... because I... I really love her.

So now, pal...

You and I got a date with fate...

All right. At the altar.

Are you ready, dear?

She looks gorgeous.

Cheer up, dear boy. It's a wedding, not an execution.


Dearly beloved, we are gathered here... before our Lord God and this company... to unite this man and this woman... in the bonds ofholy matrimony... to join this couple together... until... death.

Seeing some of those present...

Lord, you must be thinking...

"I've seen these faces somewhere before."

Let us remember... the solemnity of this ceremony.

Listen to my questions... and give thought to all of your answers.

If anyone knows any reason... these two people should not bejoined in marriage... speak now, or forever hold your peace.

I do.

No, dear. Remember?

- That comes later. No.

You pig!

You worthless, selfish son of a bitch!

You only think of yourself! All the time!

You may be rich, but you're a creep, and I love you!

I do love you.


No, Hopper. Not now.

You son of a bitch.


What would Freud have made of this?


I couldn't leave without saying good-bye.

I've gotta go back to Italy.

Responsibilities.

I have kids.

Three boys.

Three?

Yeah.

Three little bambinos.

Luigi and Paolo and, and...

- Gi... Giuseppe?

- Giulio. Giulio.

Is there a wife?

Hate the woman. I haven't spoken to her for years.

The boys live with their grandma.

But yesterday the old lady fell down the stairs and...

Dead?

Paralyzed... from the neck down.

Well... good-bye.

I'm sorry.

Give my love to Art.

He's not good enough for you.

Neither am I.

Good-bye, Liz.

Good-bye...

Art.

All right, now!

Yea!


You really should...

See you around.

Okay. See you, see you. How are you doing? Fine.

I love the show. Bye.

Well... congratulations.

The gallery's gonna do much better with you running it.

Well, I think I have a better eye for talent. You're referring to me?

But there's one client I think you should handle personally.

There is only one true work of art... in this whole room... you.

See you later, kids.

Hello.

Hello.

I've been told this painting's not for sale.

It already has an owner.

I don't think she, she cares about it anymore.

I knew the artist.

I doubt it.

You and him don't move in the same circles.

Maybe I'm talking to the wrong person.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

The first time I set eyes on you, everything else faded away.

I mean, from that moment on, for me there was only you.

Only me?

You mean my sister first and then me.

You had a pretty good deal there, admit it. Hey, hey, hey.

Do you honestly think I was having fun? I mean, think about it.

Why did you lie to me? Because you never gave me a chance.

Because I couldn't stand being rejected and then seeing you fall in love with Bart.

- You are Bart! No, Bart doesn't exist!

All right. You miss Bart?

I'll stop being Art, and I'll be Bart.

You really are a brick short, aren't you?

From the moment I met you.

Art already told me that. Or was that Bart?

Just tell me, who do you want me to be?


So was that Art or Bart?

Just me.