Two Night Stand (2014) Script

(SNORES)


(ALARM BEEPS)

(WHISPERS) Shit! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

(BEEPING INTENSIFIES)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(CHARLI XCX SINGS) ♪ When you go

♪ Please don't leave your love in the sun

♪ My heart would melt away

♪ In the night with your twisted tongue I When you drop the bomb I'm blown away

♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I

♪ Refuse to hide in the page of the story

♪ I-I-I-I

Come out the box I won't say I'm sorry

♪ We in the nuclear season

In the shelter, I survived this road

♪ Oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ Summer lovin' in the backseat gone

♪ Oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Now, I'm facing this on my own I 'Cause you tasted the blast and it shook your bones

♪ I'm a warrior all alone I In the field of lies, I won't go home

♪ 'Cause I-I-I-I'm I Gonna burn my skin in the blaze of glory

♪ I-I-I-I'm I Well, come out, your hands up, and say, "I'm sorry"

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ In the shelter I survived this road

♪ Oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We in the nuclear season

♪ Summer lovin' in the backseat gone

♪ Oh, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ We survived nuclear seasons

♪ Oh, oh, Oh, oh, oh, Oh... ♪ MAN ON 'W: Looking for homemade, fresh baked goods?

Come to Terry's Country Bake Shop in Red Hook, home of 'Family Circle' magazine's...

SECOND MAN ON TV: With its stunning natural beauty, Fiji is the ideal holiday tropical paradise for couples.

RICK RAINES ON TV: Well, Dave, while we didn't get the white Christmas we were hoping for, Mother Nature may have a few tricks up her sleeve.

We're getting forecasts of a hurricane-force blizzard coming tonight...

Oh, Megan. Right where I left you.

How adorable. Caught me red-handed.

I'm just...I'm such a sucker for the classic American novel.

Bad day? No. I'm just exhausted.

Yeah, I know. Me too, right. Phew.

Maybe it's time to get a job.

You're telling me.

Yes. I am.

I look for fulfilling work all the time.

I just happen to be taking a break whenever you're around.

It's like studying when Mom is watching.

Did you talk to your parents about the lease?

Because the deadline's on the first and Cedric is willing to take over if you...

Yeah, no, I haven't made a decision on that yet, per se...

How did you not make a decision yet?

I mean, what did you do today?

Or what did you do this week?

I did Christmas.

And I also started online dating.

Seriously? Ah!

Yes. Yeah, shut up.

No, I'm proud.

You meet anyone?

I said 'started'. I'm not a machine.

Oh, oh, and I also really like that idea of going Dutch on principle except, you know, I don't have any money so it's kind of more of an intellectual exercise.

Hey, where are you going? You just got home!

Cedric's friend is having this birthday thing at this bar.

So then you're not cooking dinner?

Nah. Yeah.

Do you wanna come?

Well, it kind of depends on the cake situation.

Well, the birthday boy is single.

He's not the brightest but he's pretty, so he's perfect for a one-night stand.

I don't know. Do you think I'm ready?

Who cares? I'm ready for you to be ready.

I mean, seriously, how long has it been? Aren't you horny?

I knew you two little freaks be having these type of conversations when I'm not around.

I knew it! Especially you.

Hi, Cedric. I knew it. I caught you.

Well, yes, no, I'm horny, but I'm also somewhat lazy, sometimes.

So, um, the two counteract, like...like duelling wizards.

Not anymore. Tonight is the night.

Faiza's setting me up. I'm thinking Ben.

I like that. That's cool.

(SOFTLY) Ben. Whoop!

What up? Hi.

Er, ID, please.

Oh, I'm a girl. Er, no.

I'm sorry, you look kinda young.

Take it like a compliment, alright.

(CLEARS THROAT) Shit!

How did you lose your ID again? You don't go anywhere!

OK, wait, look, I am old enough, I swear.

Do you see that? Right there? It moves.

FAIZA: Oh, my God. Megan. (CHUCKLES)

Hi. ID?

CEDRIC: Oh, shit...

Awkward...

Hey.

I heard you're doing good.

From who?

I don't know. I just said that to be nice.

Oh.

Chris, I think this girl's trying to get by you.

Oh, no. Er, this is... This is Becca.

Becca, this is Faiza and Cedric and Megan.

Megan and I, we were together for a bit.

Is that the abridged version? Just like that?

BOUNCER: You two coming in or what?

Nice to meet you.

Good seeing you, Megan.

I don't even wanna hear you guys say it.

If we knew he was gonna be here I would have warned you.

This is a serious pattern. I am regressing.

Last year I was in college and I was Chris's fiancé and I drank wine in restaurants.

And now I am at home all day in my underwear, and I'm nobody's nothing, and I can't even get into a bar.

What is happening to me? I am going backwards!

I am Benjamin Button-ing!

He moved on. So what! So can you.

I say take a cab home, get on that dating site, pick a cute guy.

No drinks. No dinner. Just a hook-up.

Do... OK, you can't order it.

It's not Edible Arrangements!

Er, yeah, you can. You have tits and the internet.

Cedric, back me up. -Internet. Tits.

CEDRIC: Let's go.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Go get 'em, tiger. You got this.

Right?


Ah!

SONG: ♪ All my life There you go

♪ Oh, please stay

♪ Just this once

♪ anyway

♪ All my life There they go

♪ Oh please stay For the night... ♪ Nope!

I Anyway. . . I

OK.

Fuck it.

He moved on. So can I.

Keepin' it lower case. Keepin' it casual.

Really?!

OK. Come on.

The bar is so low, it's so very low.

I sound like a computer virus.

Awe...some.

OK.

♪ All my life There you go

♪ Oh, please stay

♪ Just this once Anyway... I

"Hang out."

♪ There they go I Oh, please stay For the night

♪ Anyway. . . ♪

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) Wait! Oh, shit.

Er...

Safety first.

Hey, there.

Oh, man, I was just... I was just so sure I was gonna see a close-up of a penis.

Um, yeah. Me too.

(LAUGHS)

Wow. You are really pretty. Really pretty.

Er, anyway, so this is me - soak it in, and this is my apartment.

As you can see, it's a magical wonderland.

So do I pass the test?

Or... Um...yes.

I think so.

I've actually... I've never done this before.

Me neither. No. No, no.

Like, I know that people say that, but I REALLY...l haven't.

Nothing. I know. Me neither.

Oh. Good. Um...

OK, well, I guess then I will see you soon?

That is awesome. I mean, that is cool. Sweet.

I will... That would be a very nice thing to happen, Megan.

I will see you soon. OK.

OK. 'Bye.

I cannot believe I'm schlepping to Brooklyn for a booty call.

That is fucking scandalous.

MAN: I don't think it shut off right.

No! No, the TV!

(ALARM BEEPS INTENSIFY)

(ALARM BLARES)

Alright. Shit. Stay calm.

Is that a... Is that a burglar alarm?

Did you sleep with your coat on?

Yeah. I get cold. You should get the intruder!

(ALARM CONTINUES)

(ALARM KEYPAD BEEPS)

COMPUTERISED VOICE: Alarm reset.

False alarm. That's so weird.

It's a bummer that it woke us up, though, but I should get going.

Um...l had a great time.

Thank you.

It's, er...perfect for what I needed, so...

(SNORES)

Awesome.

Ambitious.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

That's...some alarm you got there.

Yeah, I don't even remember setting it.

For 11:04. Hmm. Weird.

(swans)

Uh, morning, Megan.

Good morning, Alex.

It's, er...Alec, actually.

Yeah.

What'd I say?

Alex.

Do your way one more time.

Alec. It's got a 'C' at the end of it.

Yeah. It's OK.

Gotcha. Sorry.

Well, um...

...I had a blast.

So thank you for having me.

You're welcome.

My only concern is how we're gonna sugar-coat this when we tell our grandkids how we met.

'(LAUGH$) Right?

Yeah. Um, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, huh?

So do you wanna grab breakfast or do you normally just take off?

"Normally"?

Huh?

You said "normally".

Just...like I do this so much that I'd have a normal and an abnormal version of it.

That's...yeah, that's not what I meant.

I have no idea how often you do this.

I told you last night that this is my first time doing anything, you know, remotely like this.

Yeah, but...come on.

Come on. What?

Megan, do you expect me to believe this is your first one-night stand ever?

Yes!

I mean, the only reason that I'm here is because my roommate, she peer-pressured the shit out of me.

Yeah, she 'sexiled' you or whatever, right?

Exactly, and yet I am sensing some distinctly judgey vibes coming from your side of the bed, which is odd considering the teamwork involved.

There's no judgey vibes coming from this side of the bed.

Honestly, I really admire what you did.

I wish more girls were that forward.

'Forward'. There we go with the slut thing again.

I'm not calling you a slut!

I'm calling you a girl who went over to a stranger's house at midnight.

If only there was a word for someone who does that.

Wow! You know what? Screw you!

That was a joke. I'm sorry.

You invited me here, just remember that.

That's not quite how it happened but it doesn't matter.

Look, can we please just eat breakfast?

I make oatmeal with a little smiley face made out of jelly.

And it's not slutty at all.

You know what, save your oatmeal.

I think I'm gonna take off.

But thanks for having me, it was awesome to get to know you.

Have a nice life, Alex.

OK, cool, well, I'm just gonna assume that time was on purpose because I told you my name is Alec with a 'C', like, a dozen times.

It wasn't, but don't worry, you just have a stupid name.

OK! Cool! Well, 'bye. It was lovely having sex with you!

Oh, I wish I could say the same.

Sounded like you had a pretty good time last night.

You know what? Don't believe everything you hear.

Especially when it's something like, "Hey, Alec - cool name."

What is that? Sounds like a first draft of a name!

OK. Fuck you, Megan. Fuck you back.

-(ALARM BEEPS) Ah. OK.

What?

Ow! Shit!

ALEC: Imagine a sleeping little angel-faced angel.

OK. No, I'm the angel.

And this angel is being woken up by a fucking junkyard dog in a hot girl body!

OK, and that's my morning.

Look, I can't...

Ah. Mom, I will call you back.

Hi, there. It's Alec, right?

Mmm.

What, is there a little snow outside? Yeah?

Mmm, well, New Yorkers...

I don't wanna say that you guys are pussies, but, seriously, you should see what a winter in Minnesota looks like.

I'll get you a cab.

Oh. Thanks.

Holy shit, that's a lot of snow!

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Wow.

Hey, folks, I hope you aren't planning on going anywhere anytime soon

'cause let me tell you something, it ain't gonna happen, OK?

We are seeing record snowfalls!

This thing came in overnight and has New York City in a total white-out!

We're talking about tens of thousands of stranded holiday travellers.

The entire city transit system is shut down.

The streets have not even been ploughed!

The mayor's office is urging people to stay indoors and to avoid all non-essential travel.

So get cosy, folks, 'cause it's gonna be a long weekend.

Faiza, you have to do something.

I cannot stay here. This is the worst.

FAIZA: Are you even watching the news?

There's nothing we can do.

See how nice this is? This could be every day.

Mmm.

But Cedric's an EMT!

Can't he, like helicopter me out of here, or something?

(LAUGHS)

Is that Cedric? ls Cedric laughing at me?

No, no, no, no.

OK, just make the best of it and we'll rescue you as soon as we can, OK, I promise.

No, no, no, no!

I would not be here if you did not slut me out!

Sorry, I can't hear you.

-(LAUGHS) What?

I think the snow is messing with the...

...with the satel...satellites!

OK, 'bye! CEDRIC: 'Bye.

Faiza!

BOTH: Mmm. CEDRIC: Grab that ass!

(BOTH LAUGH)

This storm is literally going to dump all over the Tri-State Area.

It's what I deserve. It's penance.

Wow, that is officially the worst review my oatmeal's ever received.

It's what I get for slutting it up.

Um, so you really think God made this blizzard to punish you for being slutty?

No. I don't think God did it. That's ridiculous.

I think my grandmother did and I just don't know how.

Right. That makes sense.

Well, I would prefer not to spend the next 24 hours in an uncomfortable silence with you, so why don't we just pretend that we never had sex?

Didn't happen.

Er, and then we can pretend that it's just the weather and not your passive-aggressive magical grandmother.

No.

That's like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube.

You can't do it. It is out there. I have seen your penis.

You've implied I'm a slut. Those are big things.

Did you just call my penis big?

Er, no. No, I did not.

I called the implication of your penis big.

Well, it's still nice to hear.

You can't just erase the fact that two people had sex.

I think you underestimate us.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, I'm Alec.

I'm Megan.

Megan, it's very nice to meet you.

Um, what do you do for a living?

Oh, Jesus? That?! That's what we're doing? Er, no!

Seriously? Already? We just started. Mm-mm.

OK.

We are monitoring this situation very closely.

We're experiencing massive shutdowns all over the Tri-State Area.

That includes Dutchess County, Harlan County, Bronson County, Middlesworth County...

...Monmouth County.

Wow, how the time flies.

Alright, we'll try again.

But there are rules - no upsetting questions.

I didn't realise it was one.

Well, now you do.

OK, I am trying very hard to think of a question that could in no way be construed as upsetting.

(swans)

Do you like...dogs?

A perfectly non-upsetting question. Good job.

Yes, I like dogs.

Mmm. Me too.

I have to use the restroom.

That's allowed.


What?

"Damaged"? You don't know me!


Do you possibly have headphones?

(WATER RUNS)

Thank you.

Um, Megan?

What happened?

What happened? You happened. What is that?

Oh, God. Arggh!

Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

No. No, no, no. You...just step away.

You are not cleaning that up.

You will just hold it over my head. Go to your room.

I can handle this.

Gross.

Cold and gross.

It just keeps coming.

Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

No, I mean the punishments from the universe.

It's the flood! It's practically biblical!

Where the fuck is your plunger?!

It should be right next to the, um...

Ah, shit! I let my buddy borrow my plunger. Dammit.

That's why you never let your friends borrow plungers.

There's, like, a thousand reasons.

Look, just, er, shut the door. I'll deal with it later.

(SIGHS)

Hey, I just thought of an idea that could fix everything.

Do you wanna get high?

Yeah, me neither. That was just a test.

Didn't know if you were a cop. Hmm.

Yep, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get high.

You don't care, do you?

Your apartment.

I'm warning you, though - you're about to think that I'm really cool.

My buddy made it- I don't know if you can tell, but he smokes a lot of pot.

I try to encourage his creativity.

No. I think it fits you.

(INHALES)

Sorry, I'd open a window, but, you know...

It is a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend.

Hey! I'm a catch.

I bet you 150 bucks you're gonna die alone.

Well, my future smoking-hot widow will gladly accept your money.

Hey, I'm just saying you could afford to take the edge off a little bit.

Could be good for you. You should embrace it.

Yeah, I've gotten high before.

Not with me.

Fine.

It better make you funnier.

Yeah. Smoke that shit.

So earlier you asked what I did for a living and I kinda got a little feisty.

You? Feisty? Can't picture it.

Well, the answer is...

...I am less-than-employed at the moment.

I don't do anything.

See, last year I was able to say, "I'm a pre-med student," which sounds kind of impressive, right?

But then I graduated and I'm not allowed to say it anymore.

Um, I think your profile said 'pre-med student'.

Yeah, no, I just haven't changed it yet.

Didn't you make that profile two days ago? That's weird.

What is this, like an interrogation?!

You got something to hide? No, I just...

I think I'm just in that limbo phase.

It's not like your degree has instructions on it.

Well, boom!

Home run! Twins win the World Series!

Well, your degree did say 'pre-med', so you would think something follows that.

-(BALL GRINDS) What was that?

Hmm.

So...

Why did you major in pre-med if you didn't wanna go into medicine?

I always thought I'd change it but then I graduated.

Whoops.

Wait. How does that happen?

Easier than you would think. What do you do for a living?

I work at a bank.

Wow. Fancy. Banking.

No, just 'bank'. I'm an assistant manager.

How does someone like you get into something that's so...

Wildly exciting? Yes.

Yes. Um, I don't know.

I mean, you know, like, when you're 17 and you just wanna get out there and show the world everything that you have to offer, because you have all this stuff to say?

I don't know what that feels like.

I don't know.

I never felt like I needed a job to define my life.

Do you like your job?

Since when are you supposed to like your job?

I think our generation catastrophically misunderstands that.

Interesting.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

I forgot the food. I'm going back for it.

Huh? No, no, no. Please. Allow me.

Well, now I am impressed. Mm-hm.

'Cause it's like a butler that is also a rug.

For the man who has everything except a rug.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

You know, I used to smoke back in college.

But one summer I walked in on my parents smoking out of a vaporiser and watching Italian porn...

Oh, my God.

...which is kind of the greatest anti-drug PSA of all time.

That is awesome! -(LAUGHS)

Kinda gross, but... It is...but it is funny.

Growing up, all of my friends' parents were divorced, you know, but mine, they were always so happy.

They were just so disgustingly happy.

It's a lot to live up to.

I think it kinda messed me up.

My parents are still married too.

Yeah? Oh. Put it up.

What!

Yep, when I was a kid I used to wish that they'd get divorced

'cause I was jealous of all my friends who got to have two Christmases.

-(ROCK some PLAYS) Uh-uh.

Mm-mm. Mm-hm.

Mmm. What?

You should turn this off. You don't like this song?

No. I love this song.

It's gonna make me wanna dance.

Yes. You should.

No. Trust me. Yes!

Oh, are you, like, a bad dancer?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I am an epic dancer, but you see...

See, if you see me dance you'll follow me around like a little puppy dog.

And it'll be embarrassing for us both.

So you have to stay here for your own safety.

Trust me on that one.

SONG: ♪ And I'm so sick of you tonight

♪ You never stay awake when I get home

♪ It's something wrong with me Or something wrong with you

♪ I really wish I knew, wish I knew, wish I knew

♪ I'll give you candy I'll give you diamonds

♪ Give you pills

♪ I'll give you anything you want

♪ Hundred-dollar bills

♪ I'd even let you watch the shows you wanna see

♪ Because you'd married me, married me, married me

♪ Married me, married me, married me... ♪ OK, um...

So I would just like to...

...frame the next question in the context that my diet doesn't normally consist of junk food.

And with that in mind...

Hypothetically... Yep.

...If one were to need to make use of a bathroom...

...how might one do that...

...in these special circumstances?

Stop smiling.

Oh...

...that's actually a great question.

(LAUGHS)

Um... -(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Are these your creepy neighbours?

Are you the creepy neighbour?

You're totally the creepy neighbour. Hmm.

Hey, Miss Lo Pan? It's Alec.

I just really need to borrow your plunger.

It's kind of an emergency.

That wouldn't happen to be their mailbox, would it?

Oh, yeah. You know what, they're probably away for the holidays.

-(CHUCKLES) You did not just laugh!

It's kind of funny. Do you see this face?

This is my panic face. Do we understand?

Yeah. OK.

We do. Good.

Have no fear, the trusty coat hanger's here to save the day.

Aw, shucks, I bet you say that to all the girls.

We're just...we're kind of on a clock here...

I mean, there's a Plan B, but it might sound kinda out there.

We are not getting high again!

Yes, we are. No, I'm just kidding.

The windows in this building, they don't really work right.

So we can go out the window, climb up to the roof, go to the other side and then get in through the Lo Pans' fire escape.

OK.

Maybe just you should do this.

I'm not breaking and entering alone!

The whole reason we're doing this is for you!

Er, why do you have that?

My grandmother left it to me. Mmm.

Yep. All style complaints go to her.

Oh, I see. Mm-hm.

Sweet.

Let's do this!

You couldn't just shit in the sink, huh!

What's wrong?! -It's frozen shut!

It won't budge!

ALEC: We gotta go back.

There is no turning back!

ALEC: Whoa! What the fuck?! Are you kidding me?

Hey, are you fucking insane?

I'm gonna have to pay for that!

I had to! They would totally understand.

Look, you are a ruiner. I am not a ruiner!

Sorry, I gotta pee. I had to! You understand.

No, no, no, no... You understand.

You are an asshole in so many languages!

You understand.

Oh, yeah. This pee feels so good.

Oh.

Whoops. Sorry. False alarm.

Yeah.

Oh, God.


Just so you know, I'm giving you the silent treatment too.

I just didn't know if you could tell and I wanted you to know.

(PLUNGER SQUELCHES)

Hey, I think we've solved the mystery of the clogged toilet.

Wait, what? No, no. I told you I would do that!

What is this?

No. It's nothing. What are you doing?

That's gross. Megan, this was in a toilet. That's gross!

OK?

If you had a problem with the reading material, you could have just said something.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY)

It's just some stupid article.

It wasn't stupid, though. It was spot on.

How pathetic is that? It's so pathetic.

Do you really think my name sounds like the first draft of a name?

Yeah.

Like a good first draft, you know.

Like, it's really close.

And did you really fake it?

What are you talking about? Last night.

You know, when you were making what I would describe as, like, banshee-esque screams of pleasure.

And then this morning you called into question their authenticity, so...

(LAUGHS) Whoa, what happened to, like, "Hey, let's just pretend we never had sex?"

Yeah, I'm over that.

Why are you even thinking about this again?

I haven't stopped thinking about it.

Oh, alright, well, see, I just said those things to hurt your feelings because you hurt mine, you know?

Yeah, I don't really buy that

'cause I think women are most honest, actually, when they're trying to hurt somebody's feelings.

Fine, but this can't be the first time a woman's faked it for you.

Er...it definitely was.

You made your ex come, huh?

Mm-hm. Yep. Pretty much all the time.

Yeah? That often?

And did she...did she come before or after you?

Usually we...we would come simultaneously.

-(LAUGHS) At the same time.

I'm telling you! Yeah? Bullshit.

Oh. That's mean.

No, it's nothing to be ashamed of either.

It's really hard to do. For guys it's so easy.

It's just... You know, it's friction.

But for girls there's a whole lot of intangibles down there.

And it's bad that we fake it.

It's not good for you. It doesn't help us.

It doesn't help the next girl.

Hmm. Oh, but you're a really great kisser.

Mmm. Yeah. You got that down pat.

I practise on my hand. It's just...the other stuff.

But I had a good time.

OK.

Well, yep, let's talk about this.

So what, er... Yeah, what did I do wrong?

(SIGHS)

OK, it's not about what you did wrong.

It's just how people sync up.

You know, how they fit together.

Mm-hm. And we didn't sync up well?

Do you think we did? Well, it's the first time.

It's awkward. You don't know what to say.

You don't know what you're touching. It's awkward.

It's not like that changes after the first time.

Well, I mean, eventually they learn what you like more, but you can never talk about it openly

'cause guys are so sensitive.

You know, suggesting just the tiniest thing and it freaks them out because then they think you've been thinking that every time.

Then they get mad that you didn't say something earlier and you didn't say something earlier because it would've been too soon.

The only thing that there is to do is train them to recognise different levels of moans without them realising you're doing it, in my experience.

Wow. It works.

Or maybe it's just me.

No. It's like camp, you know?

You have to do this activity with a partner, but you can't say anything so you're stumbling your way through it.

Yeah. It's just like camp.

Mm-hm. What camp did you go to?

Holy shit!

I just had a great idea. Do you feel it, the two of us?

It's a pretty good opportunity right now.

What... What is?

This. Right here.

I'm not... You don't get it?

OK, look, listen to me - so we're trapped.

We're, like, this incredible experiment right now.

We're lab rats.

We've had sex, but we don't have feelings for each other, right?

And as soon as that snow clears, you're gone.

Like Mexico gone.

We don't know any of the same people, so we're probably never gonna see each other again.

Yes.

So we can use this time to be honest with each other, and we can give each other advice and constructive criticism to make each other better lovers for the next person that comes along.

(LAUGHS) OK, firstly, you cannot pull off the word 'lovers'.

I think I can.

Secondly, what you are proposing is potentially...

It's a horrible... It sucks! It's a bad idea.

Don't... What?! Are you kidding me?

This is the best idea I've ever had!

That's so sad! Look, Megan, listen.

You can't just, like, drop a bomb on me like, "Hey, maybe you've never made a girl come

"in your entire fucking life," and then say you don't wanna talk about it.

I wanna talk!

Guys can't handle constructive criticism about that stuff.

You'll get all pissy.

No. I promise you that I will not get pissy if you don't.

What do you mean if I don't?

Oh, did you think this was just, like, a one-way street or something?

You think you got pointers for me?

Well, yeah. A thing or two crossed my mind.

But I guess you'll never know.

Will you?

Jesus. Fine. Alright. I bite - go.

OK, great. This is good.

Now, this is not just you - I wanna make that clear.

Um, OK, the lights-off thing - what the fuck is that?

If the lights are off, like you requested and I so gentlemanly obliged, I could be having sex with anything, literally!

But I don't wanna be having sex with anything.

I wanna be having sex with you.

Not you specifically, but, like, the universal you.

Lights on? Wow...

All guys feel that way?

I can only speak for me and my friends, but yeah.

Duh! Girls hear that more than hello. That's what you got?

All I'm saying is that we're young and we're hot-looking people and we should embrace that shit while we have it.

Alright, fine! Guys like to do it with the lights on.

Noted. Awesome. Shocked. What else you got?

Do you want more? Do you have more?

Yeah, I do. OK. Um...

What else do you do that I don't like?

OK, yeah, you do this thing where you stand up from the bed and you kind of turn halfway around and then you get undressed as fast as you can all at once and it's like you're getting ready for a physical or something.

I've never had any complaints about how rapidly I undress.

Most guys like naked me. I love naked you.

Naked you is awesome to look at. And touch.

What I mean is that you could make the getting naked there part a little, like...

Whuzzat...boom!

...and then you take your bra off from the side.

You could even imaginary pole - just bring it.

Smack it. Bring it down... Oh, God!

Bring it up. Do the little ass thing with your underwear.

"Hey! I dropped something - my panties."

You could flick it up, catch it.

Then I don't care what you do with it.

Actually, that wasn't... that wasn't terrible.

You should put on heels and try it.

Yeah, you're right. This is weird. Um...

No, no. No. Man up. Finish.

Just get ready for an onslaught.

That definitely didn't sound like it was in the vein of constructive criticism, but I will continue nonetheless.

Look, all...I'm saying is that guys like undressing.

And you could make it more of a...thing.

OK. OK.

Lastly, when I was inside of you, you started doing this thing...

You started helping yourself a little bit and it kind of made me feel like I was being benched.

Second string. Noted.

ALEC: OK. Duly noted.

Is it my turn? Yeah.

MEGAN: OK. Don't ever do that. That's the international thing.

OK, I don't know who first taught guys to do that alphabet with their tongue thing, but it kind of makes me feel like I'm Helen Keller being fucked by her teacher.

And that is not a fantasy of yours?

There was a moment, one moment during foreplay in which I was maybe close to coming, and I believe I subtly pointed this out.

Do you remember what it was I said?

-"I'm close to coming." Yes! Uh-huh.

And then after I said that, you switched up what you were doing.

Just what was your thought process there?

Um, I mean, honestly, I thought I was doing a finishing move.

Kind of like a 'Mortal Kombat' thing.

Like, "Finish her!" And, like, really hit it.

I thought I was doing something like that. It's not?

Next time, just keep on doing what it is was that you were doing because you got her to third and you can...

You can get her home. OK.

You waited for me to undress you, which is unnecessary and also a little weird

'cause I'm not your mom tucking you into bed.

You kept trying to give me hickeys, which nobody likes.

Oh, and you went, like, way too fast, like you were drilling me for oil.

You know, like, my whole body was, like... (BUZZES)

And then, oh, you did find my G spot, but kind of like a drive-by, which was cool, but then you kept going... and I so wanted you to stop.

Oh, OK, alright. Um...

When a girl is helping herself, that's a good fucking thing.

My ex was weird about that too, and it's...

It's not like we're competing on some awesome erotic Japanese game show.

We are having sex.

You know, like, embrace the team spirit.

Oh, and last night, when we were done, you retreated to the other side of the bed like you planted a bomb down there.

So next time, just hold the girl, count to, like, 10.

It'd go a long way, that one. You can thank me later.

Other than those things, you were a perfectly adequate lover.

'Adequate'. Wow. Thank you.

'Adequate's not really...

See, I knew this would happen. I told you this was a bad idea.

It's a fine idea. I'm good.

I'm like Teflon, baby. Nothing sticks to me.

We should totally check out the news, though, for some updates.

TV ANNOUNCER: As you can see, this storm is showing no signs of slowing down.

I want you to look at something.

Behind me is the Empire State Building, but you can't see it.

All you can see is snow.

I bet you 150 bucks Rick Raines is fully erect right now.

(LAUGHS, THEN SIGHS)

That was funny.

OK, I'm hearing that that's actually not where the Empire State Building is.

Is it cool if I take a shower? No.

Yes, it's fine. The towels are...on the floor.

Reporting from the streets of New York City, I'm Rick Raines.

(WATER RUNS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I just got off the phone with the governor's office and they told me this storm is a real motherfucker.

That was quick.

(TURNS OFF TV)

What if we tried again?

I can't take any more critiques.

No, I mean what if we tried again?

Tested our theories for science?

For...

...science?

Yeah, I think it'd be really helpful for me

'cause I'm more of a hands-on learner.

Yeah, we could... we could do that.

Good. OK.

And the channel of communication stays open.

Mm-hm. We say whatever's on our mind.

That's the deal. OK. We should film it.

Hmph? No? Too far?

Sorry.

How should we start?

OK, so normally on date situations there would be more of a build-up here, but since this is strictly a hook-up scenario I think it'd be fine if you just...

That's not bad.

Whoa.

MEGAN: OK. Hmm.

OK, so the lack of sheets makes it look a little crack den-y, which is great for, like, a role-playing scenario, but...

Yeah, it was laundry day. Mm-hm.

OK, get over here.

ALEC: They should label it or something, right?

I think it's inside out, but it's fine.

Nice. That's good. Yeah.

Where were we? Good. Right here.

Whoa. Oh, a fan of the bed push.

That's a classic.

Oh, no, no, no. Shoes and socks first.

There's never a good time for it so just, you know, get them off.

Oh, God.

Good compromise. I like that.

Thank you. I'm like the UN of doing it.

OK.


(MOUTHS)


(ALEC GULPS)

Is that sort of what you had in mind?

Yeah, that's good. That's pretty good.

You got the hang of that. Mm-hm.

Good.

(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

I have sensitive nipples.

That one's real sensitive.

MEGAN: Any notes? No.

(ALEX BLOWS RASPBERRY)

No! '(LAUGHS)

If there is one thing that you take away from this whole experience - never.

Sorry. I was trying to cool you off.

My dad used to give me those and now I am just thinking about my dad.

Ew. That's gross. I'm sorry.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

That's better.

That is much better.

ALEC: Japanese alphabet.

Thank you, Rosetta Stone.

ALEC: Holy shit! MEGAN: That was awesome.

Hey.

Up and at 'em.

Wake up!

Hey. We fell asleep.

Yeah. Is that a problem?

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

I don't see what the educational purposes of it are.

Plus, I'm hungry.

ALEC: Um... We're gonna starve.

Not if you like mustard. (CHUCKLES)

Why don't you have food?

Well, I had food, then we ate it all when we were really high.

Oh, yeah.

Three-year-old banana?

Oh, here we go.

This might have to last days.

We'll ration it. OK.

This is good.

Alright, we just need to get creative.

Give me, like, 10 minutes. I'll figure something out.

OK, but don't hog. Alright.

You wanna go back to bed? Let me figure it out.

Special delivery.

Where did you get these? Hmm?

Don't worry about it.

These are your neighbour's noodles.

Uh-uh. These are contraband noodles!

You threw such a hissy fit about the window and now look at you.

You are a common thief.

I know.

And, for the record, I actually thought it was pretty bad-ass when you broke that window like that.

Thank you! I did too.

You might not be the worst person in the world to be stuck with.

Right back at ya.

So were your parents doctors?

Uh-uh. Oh.

I thought maybe they were and that's why you rebelled and didn't want to do it anymore.

So what happened?

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it does. Come on. You can tell me.

It wouldn't even make sense to you.

Everything makes sense to me.

It's the burden of being a genius. I can't help it.

Pfft! (CHUCKLES)

Well, it's not, um...

...it's not that I stopped wanting to be a doctor.

So you do want to be a doctor.

Mmm...

No, I mean I didn't change my mind.

I NEVER wanted to be a doctor, ever. Eugh!

Then why would you go into pre-med?

(CHUCKLES) OK, um...

So...

...I was engaged once.

"Once." It sounds like I'm writing a memoir.

I was engaged recently.

We dated through high school. I followed him to NYU.

When I had to pick a major, I, uh...

Well, I never actually planned on needing it.

I just wanted to be a wife and a mom.

(CHUCKLES) See, people always look at you funny when you say something like that

'cause they feel bad for you or they...

I'm not... Sorry. I wasn't trying to look at you funny.

No, no, it's fine.

They think that you're missing out on something.

But I don't know.

I mean, it worked for my parents and I always thought that I would do the same.

And then the universe called my bluff.

What happened?

He cheated. Ohh.

Yeah, and sadly that wasn't even the deal breaker.

I wanted to work through it, but he wanted out.

He said he wanted to find a girl with more of her own life.

He dropped the word 'ambition' a few times.

Ooh, yep, I've had that word thrown at me a few times too, believe it or not.

I believe it.

Ambition is such bullshit.

Seriously, it's just chasing vapour.

Like, whatever it is that you think that you need, that job or that gold star, a blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office, like, it doesn't...

Once you get that, you're gonna be confused because you're not gonna be as happy as you thought you were gonna be.

Then you're gonna be sitting there being, like, "Why aren't I happy? I have this. I got the desk."

Because, man, there's another desk.

There's always gonna be something more your ambition is telling you that you need.

So it's the next thing, then when you get that, there's another thing - it's an endless cycle.

You're forced into retirement, kicking and screaming.

Next thing you know, you're in a big house, got 4.5 bathrooms, you don't even have a ping-pong table and you're dead.

Let's fucking go blow shit up! Like, you're dead.

I just blacked out for a second. (LAUGHS)

Thank you for staying with me on that.

I didn't know if I was gonna come out the other side.

Blowing up stuff always helps.

So what happened with that guy?

Nothing.

A semester later, I graduated with a degree I have no intention of using...

...and here I am.

So you've really never had a one-night stand before?

I told you this, like, a hundred times.

Well, you should know they usually don't last this long.

Well, that's a bummer.

Wow.

That guy is so screwed. What do you mean?

You said he met you in high school.

Right? Mm-hm.

So he thinks that you're a certain type of girl and he thinks that he will meet that same type of girl later in his life when he's ready, but when he's ready that girl's not gonna be there.

He has no idea how rare you are.

What are those? What?

Those. Oh!

You're giving me googly eyes. You totally are.

You're giving me googly eyes!

I'm just really thirsty right now so those are my thirsty eyes.

You look thirsty too. I'm gonna get us some drinks.

Can I pull a classic girl move and confiscate your biggest, comfiest sweatshirt?

And I promise I will not steal it.

Yeah, one sec.

Please be a cross-dresser.

I found some peach schnapps.

The bottle was a little dusty, but I think the liquor's still...good.

So where's Daisy?

San Francisco.

You're with her?

That's a tough question to answer.

No, it's not.

See, you just did.

Megan, here. Look. Let's talk about this.

Have the place to yourself and, boy, do you make the most of it.

When does she get back?

She was supposed to get back this afternoon, but her flight got cancelled.

I heard about that.

Apparently there's this huge fucking blizzard.

Jeez.

You know, I always wondered what it would be like to get to be the other girl.

It feels better.

Not great, but undeniably better.

Hold on.

(QUIETLY) Thank God it stopped.

REPORTER: Let's take a look at some of the outside stuff.

We're looking at the New Jersey Transit, making local stops all day long.

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

Can I show you something? Please just leave me alone.

But I'm not mad. How can I be? I didn't ask and you didn't lie.

I wanted meaningless sex and I got it.

Here. Let me show you this.

Please.

So she dumped you, but you still live with her?

She didn't give it to me yet. I don't understand.

And honestly I don't care.

Three weeks ago she asked me to look for her wallet and when I was looking for her wallet I accidentally found this.

I didn't know what to do.

So I gave her her wallet back at lunch and then the next day she left for tour.

Tour? What is she, like...

She's a DJ. Huh. Of course.

Of course she's, like, the coolest girl imaginable.

I made that profile because I wanted to have something to throw in her face whenever she went to pull the trigger and I know that's very immature.

You could have broken up with her.

Yeah, yeah, I thought about that.

People talk about how great it is to be single and that's bullshit.

"Join the single party." It's not a party.

It's a bunch of people sitting around in the dark texting.

...how slow the ploughing is going in the outer boroughs such as Queens and Brooklyn are not falling on deaf ears.

We're hearing from the sanitation department that they're getting that done right away...

And I did something stupid and I'm sorry.

...the subways and buses are starting to run as well.

Excuse me.


(RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)

(TRUCK BEEPS IN DISTANCE)

Megan, wait. Hey.

Look. Come on. I didn't... What was I supposed to do?

I didn't even know that you existed and I don't...

Look, I don't want her. I want you. I want you.

And what makes you think that I want you?

You're just some funny guy who works at a bank.

I think you severely overestimate your ability to break hearts.

(DOOR OPENS)

Come on.


Oh, my God. Megan!

Hey. Hey.

Is that my duvet?

Hi. Oh, God.

You guys are monsters.

God...! Oh!

Mmm. How was your date?

(WISTFUL INDIE ROCK MUSIC)


(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

You looked so tired, I wanted to let you sleep.

Hey, what are you doing...

Daisy, we should talk. Yeah, I know.

I found the note in the trash. I have the note right here.

When did you find this?

Um, when I was looking for your wallet...

...by accident.

I see what's going on here.

You read this and then you wanted me to come home and find this slutty little lipstick haiku so that you could be the one that ended us.

It's not a haiku. There's not enough syllables.

You are a child.

Yeah.

Look, Daisy, we both know that we weren't right for each other and I think we both knew that for a long time, but it's fine.

We were just scared the perfect person wasn't out there for us.

And what if they're not?

I think they are.

OK, so what now?

I can move my stuff over to Kevin's place.

He owes me for a plunger.

OK.

Let me know when you're out.

Hey, Daisy.

Can I ask you something? Yeah.

Did you ever...fake it?

Wow - a year together, done, and that's what you're thinking about right now?

No, I'm thinking of all kinds of stuff right now.

I'm thinking of memories and feelings and...

But I just need to know if... Did you do that?

(INHALES) Yeah.

I'm sorry. I got lazy. Mm-hm.

But you shouldn't have faked it, OK, 'cause that's not helping anybody.

You gotta communicate.

What happened to you?

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

CEDRIC: Tell her. Talk to her.

Megan, Faiza has something she wants to tell you.

OK.

Listen, normally I'd wait to bring this up until after you'd recovered a bit, but Cedric and I sort of enjoyed having the place to ourselves the past couple of nights.

We did.

And I wasn't sure that we would

'cause I am so used to you always being here, you know, like nonstop, all the time, um, but...

Baby, help me out, please.

Yeah, basically we were just thinking what if you moved out?

You know, like, what would that be like?

And you have to understand you can stay here as long as you need till you get on your feet - a couple of days, three days, however long you want.

Four days. OK.

No, I think...l think it's a really good idea.

You do? She said she does.

Look, I only moved to New York because of Chris and I thought that if I went home it'd just be admitting that.

So I stayed and made sure that the internet wasn't lonely.

I needed a kick in the ass.

Cool. So do you know what you're gonna do?

No, no, I have no fucking clue.

No idea. Uh-uh.

Do you know what this means?

That this is our last New Year's Eve as roommates.

Awesome.

Yeah, hey, so I realise this is probably word for word something that a crazy person would say, but I met a girl on your website a few nights ago and...

WOMAN: I think I can save us both some time here.

No, no, no, I don't need her address or anything.

I just need to know her last name.

I'm sure it was magical, but we can't give our customers' personal information to anyone other than the police.

So provided you're not a cop, is there anything else I can help you with today?

Nope.

(UPBEAT SYNTHPOP MUSIC PLAYS)

It's not just a show for kids. Anybody can get into it.

You know, it's for anybody who cherishes friendship, adventure...

There's this one character. Her name is Applejack.

She's my favourite. (CHUCKLES) She's such a fireplug.

She kind of reminds me of you, actually.

I think I lost you there. Excuse me? Hello?

I'm just gonna put this out here, but you're kind of a fucking terrible conversationalist.

I don't know if ever...

I think it's because you are so...

...captivating.

- Oh, well... I am just intimidated as fuck.

Oh, no. There's nothing to be scared of!

Excuse me. No, no, no. Please, please!

Just... Godammit!

OK, yeah. Alright, great.

Son of a motherfucking bitch.

Motherfucking son of a fucking bitch. Fuck!

REPORTER: Now it's the moment you've all been waiting for.

(BLOWS HOOTER)

Whoo! (HOOTS)

Megan!

Long time no see.

It's, uh, Ben from bio class.

How are you here? Do you know Faiza?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm good buddies with Cedric.

We're going to get more booze. Have fun, you two.

You! You were the dumb pretty guy. Oh!

Uh, thank you?

Mm-hm. I was supposed to bang you.

This is the universe correcting itself.

Oops!

So where'd you decide on med school?

I was surprised I got into both my top choices.

Now I'm just trying to decide.

It's a big decision and obviously my dad has opinions...

Megan? Megan?

You know, it's just... Shh, shh.

Police! Megan? Megan, right?

Any noise complaints go to Faiza or to Cedric because this is their apartment now.

Actually, they're asking for you specifically.

-(MUSIC STOPS) BOY: What the fuck?

What's up, dog?

Megan Pagano? You wanna step in the hall with us?

Why?

Officers found this in the Lo Pans' bathroom.

You don't understand. This guy is a psychopath.

He's setting me up.

He is setting this whole thing up, which I realise is exactly what a crazy person would say, but that explains my situation.

He is so crazy that he is forcing me to sound crazy.

Do you see what he's doing?

Ma'am, did you or did you not break in through the window of Mr and Mrs Lo Pan's apartment?

MEGAN: You, um... you got a little...

Like, some...

OK, got it.

Pretty.

(LOCK BUZZES)

Which one of you is Megan Pagano?

You made bail.

Wait. That's... That's impossible.

I haven't even made a phone call yet.

ALEC: She can do that?

She can refuse my bail? Are you serious?

OK, look. I just... I need to talk to her.

You can only visit during visiting hours and if, and only if, the person wants to see you, which I'm gonna guess she doesn't being that she would rather remain locked in jail than see your face.

Wow! Rude.

OK, well, what if I told you that I helped her break into that apartment?

Then would you lock me up with her?

Yeah, that's how police stations work.

Are you being sarcastic? Are you serious?

I need to talk to her! Oh! OK, then.

PEOPLE: Five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

(PEOPLE CHEER AND YELL)

(DOG BARKS)

(LOCK BUZZES)

How about these two?

Are they special enough to post your bail?

Oh, my God. What happened?

Just take me home. Here.

Hey.

Who is that? I'm sorry.

I didn't know your last name. What was I supposed to do?

Literally anything but this.

OK, you're upset, but, Megan, you felt something and I felt something...

What I felt was Stockholm syndrome.

I can't let you walk out another door without listening to me.

Why are you doing this? You have a girlfriend.

That's over now. Look, Megan. Hey, let me explain.

I should've told you about her and there were times last night I wanted to tell you and I should've, but there were other times last night that I forgot other people even existed and I know that sounds stupid 'cause your friends are staring at me like my fucking dick is hanging out.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. It was funny.

Sir. OK, let's wrap this up.

The cop's not happy. Let's keep the cop happy.

CEDRIC: Megan? You put me in jail!

I'm sorry. For, like, criminals!

He's got about five seconds before he finds out firsthand.

OK, fine. Fuck! Shit!

Uh, not directed at you and not directed at you.

-(CHUCKLES) Look, I messed up.

I messed up, but I am really, really sorry.

But you can't stop us before we even realise what we could be and we should figure that out.

Maybe...maybe we hang out and we realise we don't like each other.

Maybe you're very intimidated by my dancing and maybe I find out you're, like, really racist.

OK, that was a hypothetical.

Look, all I'm saying is that there's a lot of stuff that I don't know about you and there's a lot that we need to talk about.

I spent two nights with you and that's not enough time.

Give me more time, please.

CEDRIC: It was a little shaky in the middle.

But he finished strong. I'm touched.

Megan, what do we think?

I think you put me in jail.

We're still on that? Look. Hey, hey, come on.

Some day you're gonna laugh about this.

I promise that you're gonna find this all very funny some day.

OK, let's make a deal.

You give me your number and leave and the minute I laugh about it I'll let you know.


(EXHALES)

Stay as long as you want. That guy was nuts.

Can I hang out with him? Cedric.

I'm just saying. I don't meet a lot of funny people.

Funny people don't drive ambulances.

(CHUCKLES)

Shit!

- ALEC ON PHONE: Hello? You are kind of an idiot.

Do you realise that about yourself?

- You good'? -Yeah, I've heard that.

You know that was all me? No, it was not.

What the fuck you talking about? It was!

Keeping in the spirit of constructive criticism, the next time you wanna win a girl back after doing something stupid, practice your speech or something, you know, for the next girl because...because yours just fucking sucked.

Shit. I was embarrassed for you...

Uh-uh! Mmm... What? What?

It's WAY too soon. Way too soon.

That's fair. That's totally fair.

I'm sorry I put you in jail, but have you thought about what that's gonna do to your street cred?

Of course I have. It was, like, the first thing I thought of.

I'm gonna get that shit tattooed.

You don't have to worry about the Lo Pans pressing charges.

I took care of 'em. Did you murder the Lo Pans?

Had to be done. You did it without me?

Mm-hm. Ohh!

I think I'm ready for that kiss now.

Yeah? Yeah.

ALEC: You taste like prison.

Is it really snowing again? Oh, yeah.

ALEC: Look at 'em - a million tiny, little matchmakers.

Thank you, snowflakes.

MEGAN: So your place or mine?

I don't have a place anymore.

Hmph, me neither.

ALEC: You are a catch.

So are you.

SONG: ♪ The piano makes the sound

♪ You play so quietly

♪ These love notes Letter bombs

♪ You send them back to me

♪ Doors and windows break

♪ But not this melody

♪ These not-so-subtle signs

♪ This house can't make us stay

♪ Didn't I warn you

♪ Didn't you want to make me feel this way?

♪ Didn't I warn you?

♪ You know I've loved you from the start

♪ But this house can't make you stay I Sometimes these things just fall apart

♪ We might never be the same I Maybe I can never be everything you'll ever need

♪ But I can put my arms around you

♪ If we tear this down

♪ Line up every stone

♪ Will memory disconnect us

♪ From all that came before?

♪ 'Cause sometimes our own hearts

♪ Rewrite these histories

♪ To keep themselves from breaking

♪ Is that all we need?

♪ Didn't you warn me?

♪ Didn't I want to make you feel the same?

♪ Didn't you want me?

♪ You know I've loved you from the start

♪ But this house can't make you stay

♪ Sometimes these things just fall apart

♪ Could we ever be the same?

♪ Maybe I can never be everything you'll ever need

♪ But I could put my arms around you

♪ Something here is still beautiful

♪ Something only we know

♪ Nothing's lost

♪ If we can find it

♪ In time

♪ Find it in time

♪ Call up the general Call in the major

♪ We need you now

♪ Weren't there warnings from headquarters?

♪ Oh, no

♪ Call up your mother Call in the tigers

♪ You know I've loved you from the start

♪ No, this house can't make us stay

♪ But sometimes these things just fall apart

♪ This will never be the same

♪ Maybe you can never be everything I'll ever need

♪ But could you put your arms around me?

♪ You know I've loved you from the start

♪ But sometimes these things just fall apart.