UHF (1989) Script

SeƱor... we must not go any further.

Look!

It is an ancient, sacred Hovitos symbol.

It's certain death for anyone who enters.

We must turn back... now!


George.

Hello?

Earth to George.

George!

Are you daydreaming again?

No, no, I was just admiring how clean and shiny this grill is.

Come on, George. We're busy here.

You know what the problem is?

Nobody here appreciates a guy with a good imagination.

Well, at least not the people at the lumber yard or the miniature golf course or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last month, right?

Yeah. Well, someday... someday they'll be sorry.

They'll be eating breakfast or something and all of a sudden, they'll say, "Hey! We screwed up!

We never should have fired George Newman because he's got imagination."

Well, I think the fries are just about done.

Aw, jeez, you better not let Big Edna see that.

She'll have a fit. Big Edna, Big Edna.

You sound like a broken record.

Why are you so afraid of that pathetic tub of lard?

Whoa!

How could you do this to me?

I knew this was gonna happen.

You're right, Bob. I'm sorry.

What can I say?

I'm a miserable, worthless hunk of slime.

Here.

I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in!

Go ahead, really. Please. Just bash it right in!

George, you know I couldn't do that.

You still owe me five bucks.

Hey, Kuni.

Hiya, George.

Beginner's class today, huh?

Yeah. They're so stupid!

Oh!

Stupid!

Boy!

Look what I got here, Bob.

A twinkie-wiener sandwich!

Your favorite.

Come on, Bob. Cheer up, will you?

You ruined my life.

You know, Bob-o, I think you're developing a bad attitude here.

You see, Bob... you gotta look at the big picture.

You gotta grab life by the lips and yank as hard as you can!

See anything in the want ads?

Yeah. But nothing with the prestige of working at Burger World.

So what do you think Teri's gonna say when she hears you got fired again?

Teri? Oh, no. What time is it?

7:30? Oh boy, I gotta go. I'll see you later, Bob.

Stupid!

So, what's your excuse this time?

Well, Bob and I were having a serious discussion about our various career options.

Boy, I really like what you've done with your hair.

It's really... George, did you get fired again?

Yes! Yes! It's all true!

I just don't know what's wrong with me!

So, what's for dinner?

Mashed potatoes? My favorite!

Teri, you shouldn't have.

George!

When are you gonna start taking things a little more seriously?

I mean, you've been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I've known you.

If you could just get that overactive imagination of yours to work for you instead of against you, maybe you could...

What are you doing?

This means something. This is important.

Oh, George, that is just terrible.

But don't you worry, you're a fine young man.

I'm sure you'll get another job right away.

You got such a good face.

Look at this face.

Would you look at this face?

Is this a face you could die for?

So, where's Uncle Harvey? I haven't seen him all night.

Oh, he'll be out soon.

I think he's having some sort of last-minute business meeting.

Two pair, aces high.

Yeah, what?

Hey, Louie.

I just wanted to congratulate you, Mr. Bilchik.

You did very well at the track this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? I won again, huh?

Right. Yeah. Thanks, Louie. Bye.

Now, what are we doing here?

It's your deal, Harvey.

Oh, hi, honey.

Have you finished your meeting?

Oh, yeah, yeah, and business was great tonight.

Harvey, have you been gambling again?

Hey! What are you complaining about?

This is for when you go shopping on Rodeo Drive.

What's this?

Oh, that's the deed to Channel 62.

I won it with a pair of sevens. I was bluffing.

Channel 62?

Never heard of it. I'm not surprised.

More people watch the fish tank at Leo's pet store.

It's a little UHF station on the edge of town.

It's been on the brink of bankruptcy for years.

It's too bad I gotta dump it. Oh, really?

I kind of like the idea of us having our own TV station.

Forget about it.

They can't even find anybody to manage the place anymore.

Harvey, I know somebody who'd be perfect for the job.

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

George! George, dear, can you come over here for a second?

Oh, no.

No, not him. Forget it. No way.

I can't believe your Uncle Harvey's letting you run his TV station.

Hey, he trusts me.

Besides, he's going to California.

He doesn't want to be bothered with it.

Well, here we are.

This is it?

Wow, this is even better than I imagined!

Come on. Let's go check it out.

I don't know, George.

I'm not so sure about this.

See? The front door's open.

It's a friendly place.

Hey, mister!

Change? You got change?

Oh... sure.

85...

95... one dollar!

Thanks, mister.

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course And no one can talk to a horse, of course That is, of course, unless the horse Is the famous Mr. Ed Go right to the source and ask the horse He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse He's always on a steady course Talk to Mr. Ed Can I help you?

Who are you?

I'm Philo.

Chief engineer.

So... isn't it a little late for you to be working?

I mean, what time do you normally go home?

This is my home. I live here.

Hold these.

No, no, like this.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just want to see if my interociter can withstand a sudden charge of 60,000 volts.

What?

Yeah... it works.

Do do do do Wee-oo, wee-oo Do do do do Do wah do wah...

I don't know about this, George. I mean, I don't know the first thing about what goes on at a television station.

Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish market, except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Yeah, so? Can I help you?

Hi. I'm George Newman.

I'm the new station manager.

You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position was only temporary and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte.

You know how long I've been working here?

Two years!

It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss!

This job really sucks.

And this is my friend Bob.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Howdy, friends. It's Crazy Ernie from Crazy Ernie's Used Car Emporium.

It's a giant supermarket of cars!

I got so many cars people come up to me and say, "Hey, Crazy Ernie, where'd you get all those cars?"

Lookie here! I got red cars, I got green cars!

I got enough cars to choke a camel!

Tell you what, friends, if nobody comes down and buys a car from me in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal!

That's right! I'm gonna club a seal to make a better deal!

You know I'll do it, too, 'cause I'm crazy! Ha ha ha!

Look at all the old reruns this station is airing.

We could sure use some more live shows.

I don't know, something like...

Oh, no!

You okay in there, Pam?

Yes. It's just if it's not one thing, it's another.

You know, that mailman's really got a screw loose.

He delivers us this package. It's supposed to go to R.J. Fletcher.

Who?

R.J. Fletcher. He runs Channel 8, you know, the network affiliate downtown?

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to send it back to him tomorrow.

No. That's okay. I-I'll take it over myself.

It'll be a good chance to meet the competition.

You know, George, I'll tell you, I don't really think that's such a good idea.

I heard he's not the nicest guy in the world.

Oh, come on. He can't be all that bad.

You just gotta know how to talk to those guys.

You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?

Does this look like a No. 2 pencil?

No. I just thought... You thought?

I don't pay you to think!

But, Dad... Shut up!

Let's get back to the meeting.

All right, who's got the research report?

I left the report on your desk, sir.

I don't see it. When did you put it here?

Yesterday before I left, sir.

The janitor. It must have been the janitor.

He probably threw it out when he was cleaning up in here.

Send in the janitor.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I will not tolerate this kind of behavior at Channel 8.

This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

You wanted to see me, sir?

That's right.

I guess you know why I called you in here.

Because you're lonely?

No, you moron.

Oh, duh.

Now, look carefully.

Do you see anything missing from this desk?

That stapler?

No!

Now listen to me. There was a very important file on this desk, a file that represented two months of intensive research.

It's my guess that you threw it out.

Oh, no, sir. No...

Were you in here cleaning up last night?

Yes, sir... yes, sir, I was.

Do you see that file on my desk now?

Gee, I don't know.

I think I've proven my point.

You are a worthless human being Mr....

Spadowski. Stanley Spadowski.

May I call you Stanley?

Okay.

Stanley, you're fired!

But I... I didn't...

Get out!

But I...

People are...

I can't believe the incompetence in this place.

People like that should be put to sleep.

Well, what do you know?

The research file.

Here it is. Been sitting here all the time.

Betty, hold my calls.

Yes, Mr. Fletcher.

Hey, R.J.!

Hi! George Newman, U-62.

Say, nice place you got here.

You know, I was just thinking, since we're both in the business...

Where'd you get this?

Do you realize that stealing mail is a federal offense?

Hold on. You don't understand...

No, you don't understand how serious a crime this is.

I think you'd just better clear out your desk and get out.

You're through, mister.

But, I don't work here.

Trespassing, huh?

You've got 10 seconds to get out before I call the police.

Look, I thought we could...

Five... four... three... Gee, look at the time.

Well, gotta go.

Keep in touch.

No. No. Please. It's all I've got left!

Let go. This is station property.

No! No! It's my mop!

Let go!

Let go, you idiot!

That's my mop!

Not any more, buddy!

Hey, are you all right?

It's just not fair.

Come on, forget about it. It's only a mop.

"Only a mop"? "Only a mop"?

Oh, you don't understand.

That mop was given to me for my birthday when I was 8 years old.

We've never been apart!

Now... now I don't even have a job anymore.

After 15 years, they just toss me out like an old bag of moldy tangerines.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Well... maybe you could come work for me.

Really? You mean it?

Sure. I guess we could use a janitor.

Stanley Spadowski. George Newman.

I'm mighty glad to meet you, George.

I'm gonna do a really good job. You won't be sorry.

I'm really gonna do a good job for you, George. I'm a good janitor.

You want me to clean your glasses for you?

No, that's... I'll make them real shiny, real shiny.

'cause we're friends, George? We're friends.

Nope.

Is this it?

Nope.

Is this it?

Nope.

Is this it? No, George.

I can't delay the broadcast because the mayor is supposed to be coming out any minute.

Where is he?

No. I've looked all over.

I don't see a Noodles MacIntire.

MacIntosh at your service.

Yeah, George, never mind. I think I found him.

Come on! Come on!

We go now live to U-62's Pamela Finklestein on the steps at City Hall.

Thank you. Hi. Pamela Finklestein here.

Boy, it's quite a scene this morning on the front steps of City Hall.

We're awaiting the emergence of Mayor Thompson from his annual city budget meeting.

I think he... oh yeah, here comes the mayor now. Let's go over.

Maybe we can get a few words out of him.

Oh!

Oh, did I do that?

Oopsie!

Noodles, those things are fragile.

You should be more careful.

Here he is now. I think that we should be able...

Hey, sweetheart, take my advice.

Broads don't belong in broadcasting.

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Hi. Richard Fletcher. Channel 8 news.

Yeah, but... yeah, but...

"broads don't belong in broadcasting"?

Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?

Why, that's just terrible.

I don't know how many times I've told those boys never call chicks "broads."

Why, you slimy... oh!

Hello, and welcome to town talk.

I'm George Newman, and today our special guest is local high school shop teacher Joe Earley.

Joe, thanks for joining us.

Thank you, home boy.

Well, I see you've brought some equipment with you today.

Would you mind giving us a little demonstration?

Not at all.

There's only a few simple principles you must bear in mind before attempting to operate a sophisticated piece of machinery like this...

Table saw.

You know, lots of times, when my students first learn to...

Whoa!

What?

Oh!

Do you believe this?

Oh, will you look at that?

Oh.

Just call me Mr. Butterfingers.

I think it's on the floor... somewhere.

Oh.

Is my face red! Oh.

Honey, where's the spatula?

Okay, kids, let's go.

There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs.

Spatula City! Spatula City!

A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.

Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.

And because we eliminate the middleman, we can sell all our spatulas factory-direct to you.

Where do you go when you wanna buy name-brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost?

Spatula City! Spatula City!

And, this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.

Buy 9 spatulas, get the 10th one for just one penny.

Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.

And what better way to say "I love you" than with the gift of a spatula?

Spatula City! Spatula City!

Hello. This is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.

I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Spatula City! Seven locations!

We're in the yellow pages under "spatulas."

My! Where did you get that lovely spatula?

Spatula city, we sell spatulas And that's all

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

To Uncle Nutzy's clubhouse.

That's right! I'm your Uncle Nutzy, and, boy, oh, boy are we gonna have some big fun today. Huh, kids?

Well, let's walk on over and see who's in our Kiddie Corner.

Hi. What's your name? Billy.

Billy what?

Okay.

You know who that is? That's right.

It's your pal, Bob-o the Clown! Yay!

Hey, Bob-o, wanna play a game? Okay, look up. Look down.

Now look at Mr. Frying Pan.

Bob-o fall down, go boom.

Upsie-daisy.

Say, Bob-o, what's wrong?

Oh, I bet I know. You're hungry, aren't you?

Well, I know just what you want.

Clowns and kids alike can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hockenburger's Butter Cookies.

Right, Bob-o?

That's right!

And, hey, Mom, they're nutritious, too!

Just look at how much Bob-o here likes them.

That's good.

And don't forget, kids, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hockenburger's...

Bob-o's been eating Yappy's Dog Treats.

That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats.

Your dog will love that real liver and tuna taste... with just a hint of cheese.

Hi. Pamela Finklestein here, coming to you with an interview with Mr. Earl Ramsey.

Now, Mr. Ramsey is the president of the local chapter of the American Gun Association.

Mr. Ramsey, is it correct to assume that your organization is against gun control?

Gun control is for wimps and Commies.

Listen, let's get one thing straight.

Guns don't kill people.

I do. Yes, well...

This is a special bulletin from the U-62 news room.

Hi, Teri. It's George.

Happy Birthday.

Hey, how about if I take you and your folks out to dinner?

I'll meet you at Cafe Francais at 7:30, okay?

I love you.

Are you tired of sloppy, cut-rate funerals?

You've tried the rest. Now try the best.

The Plots-R-Us Mortuary Service.

Remember, there's always plenty of free parking, and don't forget to visit our new salad bar.

Plots-R-Us, eternal peace at affordable prices.

Dad-blamed Beverly Hills.

There ain't a possum shank to be bought around here at any price.

What good is having $68,000,000?

I ask you!

Well, this morning is good for getting a lot of papers signed for Mr. Drysdale.

You was doing that when I left here...


Huh.

Now, lookie here, people Listen to my story A little story about a man named Jed You know something That poor mountaineer They say he barely kept his family fed Now, let me tell you One day he was shooting Old Jed was shooting at some food When all of a sudden Right up from the ground there Well, there came a bubbling crude Oil, that is Well, maybe you call it Black gold or the Texas tea He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale And be a Beverly hillbilly

Before you know it All the kinfolk are a-sayin'

"Yeah, buddy, move away from there"

That little Clampett got his own cement pond That little Clampett, he's a millionaire Now, everyone said

"Californy is the place that you ought to be"

We got to load up this here truck, now We got to move to Beverly...

Hills, that is Swimming pools Move-a move-a movie stars Huh Look at that, look at that Beverly Beverly

"Beverly Hillbillies"

Y'all come back, now, hear?

Beverly, Beverly

"Beverly Hillbillies"

Beverly Beverly Beverly...

George?

Hey, George.

I finished polishing all the doorknobs.

Is there anything else you want me to do?

No, Stanley. That's okay.

It's getting pretty late. Why don't you call it a night?

Oh... do I have to?

Yeah. Go on. I'll see you in the morning.

Okay. I'll see you.

George, you know, I was wondering, like... like, if you were traveling through outer space, I mean, like, you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know, and all of a sudden, you started screaming, Do you think that your brain would blow up?

Guys, I'm trying to work. Do you mind?

No, I... I don't mind. Go... go right ahead.

Do you mind, George?

Would you care to order now?

Oh, yeah. I think we'll have the...

No, thank you. We'll wait.

Are you sure he knows what restaurant we're at?

Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Okay, give me the bad news first.

Well, given our present financial situation, compounded by ongoing fixed expenses and outstanding invoices, I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.

What's the good news?

I lied. There is no good news.

I never should have taken this job.

I should have known it would turn out like all the others.

You know, for a short time there, I really thought this was gonna be different.

I just don't know anymore.

Well, at least I've still got Teri.

What time is it? 9:30.

Oh, no!

Hello?

George Newman? You are a selfish, thoughtless, insensitive creep, and from now on, you can forget all my birthdays because we're through.

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

That's right, to Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse.

And, boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have big fun today.

We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are and how much life sucks and how we're all gonna grow old and die someday.

I wanna go home. Shut up, you little weasel.

Okay.

Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons.

It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner... who mocks him and laughs at him as he is repeatedly crushed and maimed!

Hope you enjoy it!

Hey, where are you going?

I need a drink. You don't drink.

Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Wait a minute.

What about the rest of the show?

Watch out, Mr. Coyote! Oh, that's terrible.

Hey, Stanley.

Yeah, George?

How would you like your own TV Show?

Okay.

You're on.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

What?

But, George, what about... Bob, it doesn't matter anymore.

It's over.

Yeah. We're watching it, too.

Yeah. I've never seen anything like it.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Gentlemen, what can I get you?

Beer.

Blueberry daiquiri.

I'll tell you what, George. Let's start fresh.

Start a whole new business.

Maybe we can borrow some money from your Uncle Harvey.

Oh, right.

We just flushed his TV station down the toilet.

I'm sure he'd be happy to lend us money.

So I guess Teri's never going to speak to you again, huh?

Hey, I didn't get an umbrella.

Look everybody! He's coming back on!

Hey, welcome back to "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse."

Are you kids having a good time?

Yeah!

Hey, how about that cartoon? That was a weird cartoon, wasn't it?

You know, that cartoon, it reminds me of a dream I had last week.

I turned into a bird with a candy-bar head.

And there were these other birds, you know, they were all trying to eat my head and everything, but I got away from them.

Then there was this tree, you know, and there was this weird lizard, you know... what the... ooh!

Oh.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh!

I wa... I wanna show you something...

I want to show you something.

This is my new mop.

George, my friend, he gave me this mop.

It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop.

I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop.

Sometimes you just have to take what life gives you

'cause life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff.

You... you... you gotta clean it out.

You... you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and... and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad, you know, a mop... a mop, it's not good enough... it's not good enough.

You... you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta... you gotta really scrub.

You gotta get it off! You gotta really try to get it off.

But if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work, you can't give up.

You gotta... you gotta stand right up, you gotta run to a window, and say, "Hey! These floors are dirty as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

Yeah! - His truth is marching on.

Yes, ma'am. That's right. Stanley Spadowski.

I don't think that he's married, no.

Well, I think that he went to Harvard.

I'll see you kids later.

Hi, George. Well, I finished with the TV show.

What do you want me to do now?

Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?

Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun.

Great! How'd you like to do it every day?

Yeah! That would be nea... wait a minute.

Do I still get to be the janitor?

Sure.

Oh, okay. It's a deal.

Well, I'm gonna go clean the bathroom.

Okay, kids, where do you want to go?

To "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"!

Yay!

Great.

All right, it's a deal. Thanks a lot.

Okay, talk to you later.

George, wait till you hear this.

"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" is sold out for the next three months.

The sponsors love him.

You know, if we had a few more shows like this, we'd really be in business.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

I've been working on some new ideas.

Tell me what you think.

Today, one of these lucky contestants will win his or her weight in fish right here on...

"Wheel of Fish"!

Okay, let's play the game.

We'll start with yesterday's winner, Miss Phyllis Weaver.

Are you ready, Weaver?

I sure am, Kuni.

Okay, you get over there and spin the Wheel of Fish.

Go ahead.

Give it a big spin!

Come on, big fish!

Come to Mama! Come on!

Oh... a red snapper.

Very tasty.

Okay, Weaver, listen carefully.

You can hold onto your red snapper or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the aisle right now!

What's it gonna be?

Box! Fish!

I'll take the box! The box!

You took the box!

Let's see what's in the box!

Nothing!

Absolutely nothing!

Stupid! You're so stupid!

Hello.

My name is Philo, and welcome to...

"Secrets of the Universe."

Today we are going to learn to make plutonium from common household items.

Hey, man. This is Raul Hernandez, and welcome to... Raul's Wild Kingdom, coming to you live from my apartment.

How about that, huh?

Okay, first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles.

This is my friend Tommy.

Tommy, say hello to the nice people.

Hello. Ha! Isn't he great, huh?

Okay, so, the turtle is a member of the reptile family, and he's got this hard, protective shell which keeps predators away, also provides him with his own home when he sleeps.

Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow.

And not too many people know this, but the turtle is also nature's suction cup. Watch this.

Did you see that? It sticks! Ha!

Okay. Oh yeah. What else I got for you?

Yeah, check this out.

This is my ant farm. Now, ants are amazing.

They can carry 50 times their own weight, and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels.

And, oh, yeah, they hate it when you do this.

Oh, look!

They're really mad now.

Where did you find this guy?

Me? I thought you hired him.

For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

Come here, come here, Foofie.

Foofie, are you psyched?

Are you ready? Okay.

Here we go.

Get ready and fly!

Oh, man.

You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right.

Okay, come on, come on, come on, shut up, shut up.

Hey, hey. Who's next? Gigi.

Oh, man!

Hi. This is Teri. I'm not home right now, so leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Teri, I'm sorry!

Come on, give me one more chance, please!

Come on, Teri!

Teri! Oh, oh! I'm in hell!

I'm in hell! Teri!

Teri, pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone!

Oh! Oh, Teri!

Please!

Oh, Teri!

Richard, you shouldn't have.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

What is this piece of crap?

I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex!

A Rolex!

What? Sir?

What do you want?

I just thought I ought to tell you, sir, there's a lot of talk in the street about this Channel 62.

They're starting to get a pretty strong following.

Excuse me? Did you say Channel 62?

Do I have to remind you that we are a network affiliate?

And we're in competition with other networks, not with a bunch of punks broadcasting out of a closet!

But, sir... Do you enjoy wasting my time?

Get out of my office!

And take that ridiculous thing off!


What's that mean? What's that mean?

We got a winner!

We got a winner!

Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal.

You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy.

'Cause you know why?

You get to drink from the fire hose!

Yippee-ei-a So much fun. So much fun.

Okay, you ready? Yeah!

Open wide!

Whoa ho ho!

Joel Miller! Let's hear it for him!

Raul Hernandez? Yeah.

Got the delivery here for your next show.

Oh, great. What you got?

Well, let's see, I got one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers.

Badgers?

Badgers?

We don't need no stinking badgers!


Never before in the history of motion pictures has there been a screen presence so commanding, so powerful, so deadly.

He's Conan the Librarian.

Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?

Don't you know the Dewey decimal system?

Conan the Librarian.

I'm sorry.

These books are a little overdue.

Conan the Librarian.

Tonight, only on U-62.

This is pretty good water...

tastes like poop.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat some corn flakes.

These are good corn... whoa!

"Free toy inside." "Free toy inside."

Let's find it.

Don't let your mom know that you do this.

I want to find the toy.

Oh, look! It's a toy man.

It's a toy man.

Hey. Wanna go for a ride?

Oh, boy! Is it fun?

Here, I'll just tie this around your waist.

Oh... wait a minute! No, I'll show you.

I don't want to go...

Stop! Stop!

Wasn't that fun?

Oh, stop! I'm dizzy! No, let's go again.

Okay. How's this for our new Friday night line-up?

8:00, "Druids On Parade," then "The Volcano Worshipers' Hour," followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teens" and "Fun with Dirt."

Why not?

Get this. I get a call this morning from a guy who says he can swallow his own face.

Can you believe that? I...

Bob?

What you got there? The ratings.

Don't tell me we actually showed up on the list.

We're number one.

Say what?

W-we beat out the networks.

Th-this is unbelievable. Look at these numbers.

We've got three shows in the top five.

"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof.

He got a 60 share! Do you know what this means?

We're finally gonna have some real money.

George, we're the number one station in town.

There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62.

First, slam your way to health as you "Stay fit!" With Mike and Spike.

Next, everybody's favorite, Chef Bernie invites you to go...

"Bowling for Burgers"!

Sunday, be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show

"Strip solitaire"!

And then join us for some hilarious fun on the all-new

"Practical Jokes and Bloopers"!

And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling," with this week's special guest, Mikhail Gorbachev.

Whoa!

It's a whole new weekend on U-62, the reason television was invented.

Be there! Huh huh, yah.

This is indeed a sad day for Channel 8.

We've been number one in this town for the past 10 years and now our sponsors are pulling their accounts.

We're losing valuable advertising revenue.

We're losing credibility in the market.

And, why?

Because of some fly-by-night UHF station!

A UHF station!

This is an embarrassment, a disgrace!

What do you think R.J. Fletcher, Sr. would be saying if he were alive today?

"Help, let me out of this box. I can't breathe in here.

Help. Let me out."

We've gotta do something.

We've gotta do it fast.

Who owns that station, anyway?

Let me be your hog Let me be your hog, now...

I said, baby, baby, baby baby, baby, baby...

Yo! Heh, heh.

Hey, Big Louie. What's happening?

Bad news, Mr. Bilchik.

None of your horses came in.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, what's the damages, huh?

$75,000.

Oh, excuse me, Louie.

I think I got a little water in the phone here.

How much did you say that was again?

$75,000.

I'll be expecting payment in two days.

Two days?

Hey, listen, Louie.

I might need a little bit more time, huh?

Friday night, 10:00.

75,000 in cash.

I'm dead meat.

Yeah, what? Mr. Bilchik?

This is R.J. Fletcher.

Can I help you?

No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.

Wait a minute. I think I missed something here.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I own this place now.

You what?

What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?

But my uncle Harvey...

Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.

I don't believe this.

Hold this, kid. George, do something.

Hey! W-wait a minute.

Don't you already own Channel 8?

I mean, isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?

Oh... really?

Gee...

I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot.

Toodle-oo! Ha ha ha!

Harvey, I still don't understand what this is all about.

I told you, I just gotta wrap up a little business deal, and I'll be back in a few days and I'll tell you about it then?

You take care of yourself, you hear?

Bye. Bye.

Hello?

Oh, hi, George.

It's so good to hear from you.

How's everything?

He what?

Harvey Bilchik, get in here!

Uncle Harvey, at least give me a chance to match his offer.

Well, let me worry about where I'm going to come up with the money.

Yeah. 75,000 in cash by Friday night.

10:00. Yeah, I got it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Oh, George, where are you gonna come up with that kind of money?

Yeah, and what are you gonna do about Fletcher?

Fletcher... yeah, I wouldn't put anything past that guy.

If there were only some way we could keep an eye on him.


Continental flight 414 now arriving from Los Angeles at gate seven.

Hey.

Harvey.

Harvey Bilchik.

Great to see you. R.J. Fletcher.

Did you have a good flight? Yeah.

Want some peanuts? No, thank you.

Mr. Bilchik, while you're here in town, I want to make sure that you're very comfortable.

Anything special you want, you just let me know.

Now... what do you say we take care of a little business?

I've got all the cash right here.

And as soon as you sign these, we can start celebrating. Yeah, well, listen...

I-I-I gotta talk to you about that.

What? What's wrong?

Well, you see, the thing is, that, I promised George that I'd give him a chance to get all the money by Friday night.

What are you talking about? We had a deal!

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that, but it's just something I had to do. Don't worry about it.

There's no possible way that kid can come up with 75,000 bucks in two days.

George Newman.

He starts where the others stop.

Sex with furniture... what do you think?

The world watched in amazement as he unlocked the mysteries of Al Capone's glove compartment.

Aha!

Road maps!

He blew the lid off Satanism.

Look, all I was trying to say...

Oh, shut up, you pinhead!

You make me sick!

Sometimes shocking, always controversial, he deals with topics that the other talk shows are afraid to touch.

He pries, he pokes, he digs deep.

He gets the answers. He gets the facts.

And most of all, he gets the ratings.

Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs... all this week on "Town Talk."

George, what's the matter?

Stanley, you don't wanna know.

Well... why'd I ask?

Is there something I can do to help?

Not unless you've got $75,000.

Let's see... no, sorry.

This is ridiculous.

There must be something I could do.

The U-62 telethon is on the air!

Hey, Dad, you'd better turn on Channel 62.

Something funny's going on.

Now, we're not asking for donations.

What we are doing is offering this town a unique business opportunity.

This is one share of stock in Channel 62.

Our goal over the next day and a half is to sell 7,500 of these at $10 apiece.

If we succeed, then the station will belong to all of us.

Now, I'm calling out an SOS!

"Save Our Station."

We got volunteers right over here. They'll be taking your money.

They're gonna be working around the clock for two days until every share is sold.

What do you say, kids? Can we do it?

I think it's time you boys paid our Mr. Spadowski a little visit.

Yeah, I'm calling you on behalf of our station.

We're having this telethon. We're trying... we're really raising a lot of money here for the channel.

We'd really appreciate it if you could help us.

Well, you... bring your dogs down here.

I'll wash them for you.

Huh?

Well, so far, guys, your response has really been incredible, but we've still got a long way to go.

Remember, when you buy stock in U-62, you're not only helping yourself and your community...

You're doing great, Stanley.

Now, remember, you gotta pace yourself.

You got a long way to go before tomorrow night.

Yeah, I can do it, George. I can do it.

All right, now, just take it easy.

Is there anything I can get you? Some Play-Doh.

Okay.

No, no, no, George, get me some bubbles, some real big bubbles. I'll see what I can do.

Who is it?

Got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.

Pizza? For me? Oh, boy!

I like peppers.

But I love anchovies because they're real fishy.

Sometimes I just like to get a pizza with nothing on it but anchovies.

No peppers or olives or onions.

Just anchovies 'cause they're good.

So, are we going to kill him?

No. The boss just wants us to keep him on ice for a while.

Easy, easy.

Hey, wait a minute.

You guys aren't from the pizza place.

Oh, George! George, you've got to do something.

Every minute that Stanley's not on the air, we're losing money.

Yeah. Listen, just stall as long as you can.

I'm sure he'll turn up. Okay.

What did the police say? They're doing everything they can.

I'm telling you, George, Fletcher's behind this. I just know it.

Okay. I'm thinking of something... orange.

Something orange.

Orange.

You give up?

It's an orange. Get it?

This is fun, huh?

Okay. Now I'm thinking of something... blue.

Something blue.

Let me kill him.

Please, let me kill him.

What?

Wh... what?

Oh... what?

Don't you like "Bonanza"?

Okay, Philo, go to commercial.

Next week on U-62...

He's back, and this time, he's mad.

"Gandhi II"!

No more Mr. Passive Resistance.

He's out to kick some butt.

This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with.

Yah!

Don't move, slimeball.

He's a one-man wrecking crew.

But he also knows how to party.

Give me a steak, medium rare.

Hey, baldy!

There is only one law... his law.

"Gandhi II"!

Hey, mister!

Change? You got change?

Do you mind? Get out of my way.

Hey, come on. Can't you help a guy out?

Anything.

Don't spend it all in one place.

I can't believe it!

Oh, thanks, mister.

Thanks a lot!

Mr. Fletcher?

May I speak to you for a moment?

Personnel's that way, young lady.

No, I'm not here about a job.

I'd like to talk to you about Channel 62.

Channel 62? Oh, yes.

My demolition team is looking forward to turning it into a rubble heap Saturday morning.

Wait a minute.

Will you please just listen?

George Newman has turned that little station into something this community cares about.

George Newman is a two-bit little punk who should never have stuck his nose where it didn't belong.

And if he sent you here to try to make a deal...

George doesn't know I'm here.

Look, it just seems to me that there's more than enough room for both of you in this town.

Besides, a little competition is always good for the community.

The community? Let me tell you something.

This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot.

You guys?

Hey, you guys!

The blindfold fell off.

You better come fix it.

I didn't mean for it to... whoa!

Hey, my shirt glows in the dark!

Will you shut him up?

Oh, I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch, I got an itch. Stanley.

I don't want to have to tell you this again.

Shut up.

You're making us nuts.

Now...

I got three guys out here that would love to cut your tongue out, but I don't want them to do that.

I told them that in another couple of hours this whole thing will be over,.

So, Stanley, be nice.

My mop!

Freeze!

Hey! Get him!

He's getting away! Let's get him!

Oh, yeah, yeah. Get out of my way!


Not gonna get me.

Yeah.

Stanley.

Don't move, Spadowski.

Don't even breathe.

Wh-what are we gonna do now?

I'll handle this.


Ooh!


Whoa.

Oh.


Oh, boy!


Who is this guy?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Listen, I can see you guys are pretty busy.

How about if I just come back later?

Forget it, pal.

We're all going for a little ride.

Oh. Well, we'll have to take your car.

Mine's a two-seater.

Just shut up, kid.

You know, you really botched things up.

If you hadn't stuck your face in our business... we'd all be going home real soon.

But now I'm gonna have to take you and your friend out of commission... for good.

Redrum!

Redrum!

What was that? Hold on.

I thought I heard something. What?

I don't know. I just thought... Supplies!

Hey, everybody, they're back.

Yeah!


Dee dee Dee dee du dee dee Da da dee dee Da dee dee...

Friends, there comes a time in every man's life where he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye.

There's a powerful evil force in the universe.

And it lives at Channel 8. And I've seen it, and I don't want it to pop its ugly, greasy head around here, do you? No!

I can't hear you! No!

I can't hear you! No!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All right, say it again.

No! All right!

And now a special report from the owner and general manager of Channel 8, R.J. Fletcher.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I come before you tonight to speak on a matter which is of grave concern to us all.

I want to show you how one small television station can single-handedly disrupt and destroy the moral fiber of an entire community.

The following may upset you.

It may even shock you.

But I feel it is my duty as a concerned citizen to bring you this important message.

This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot.

You think I care about the pea-brained yokels of this town?

If you took their combined IQ and multiplied it by 100, you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe, if you didn't drool all over yourself first.

I can't stand those sniveling maggots.

They make me want to puke.

But there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless sheep...

I always know I've got them exactly where I want them.

$73,000!

We just hit the $73,000 mark!

Okay, Mouseketeers, come on.

We can do it. Woo!

What do you say, stranger?

Teri.

What are you doing here?

I thought you never wanted to see me again.

Well, whatever gave you that idea?

Well, I think my first clue was when you said you never wanted to see me again.

Oh. Well, George... no matter what happens tonight, I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you.

Uncle Harvey.

Listen, we'll definitely have the money for you, it just may take a few minutes longer than we expected.

Look, kid, if it was up to me, I'd let you have all the time you wanted, but you know, Big Louie is a very punctual kind of guy, you know what I mean?

I wouldn't wanna keep him waiting.

Whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay. I know a lot of you people probably like to wait till the last minute.

Well, this is it! This is the last minute!

What are you doing here?

You're disturbing the peace. Come on.

Out of the way. Why aren't you home in bed?

Get out of here.

Stand back. Out of my way.

Look out.

Aw!

This party is over, Mr. Newman.

You can say that again.

Okay, Fletcher... you win. Give me the money.

Settle down.

All in good time, Mr. Bilchik.

What, are you crazy? Give me the money!

Please, if you don't mind, there are a few things I'd like to say to these people before this transaction takes place.

What?

Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you'll realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

Hey, mister!

Not now, okay?

I was just wondering if it's too late to buy any of them shares.

I'll take whatever you got left.

How much is that? $2,000.

Keep the change.

I have decided not to tear down the building after all.

I am going to turn it into a laundromat.

Mr. Big Louie, sir?

My uncle Harvey wanted you to have this.

$75,000. It's all there.

Now let me tell you something...

Uncle Harvey.

Hey, what's going on here?

Now, wait just one minute! What do think you're doing?

We did it! The station's ours!


Wow, look at that! You can't do this!

We had an agreement, remember? An oral contract.

I'll sue.

Oh, blow it out your ear, scuzbag.

R.J. Fletcher?

So what if I am? I'm John Vickers, F.C.C.

I've noticed your that station is late in filing its license renewal this year.

Now, normally, this kind of violation is punishable by a stiff fine, but I've been watching you lately.

You made a big impression on me.

Yeah, I'm revoking your license.

Effective immediately, you're off the air.

Hi, Pamela Finklestein here coming to you with the most incredible turn of events.

Not only has the once-powerful corporate broadcasting giant been thoroughly crushed and defeated, but now, as luck would have it, they've been completely stripped of their license by the F.C.C.!

What do you have to say about it, you worthless, slobbering pig?

Dad? Where's my dad?

What's going on here? Whoa!

Oh, did I do that?

Oopsie!

Dad!

Philo!

Hey, you really went beyond the call of duty on this one, pal. Thanks.

I'm glad to have been of service, George.

Well, i-i-it appears my work on this planet is complete.

I must now return to my home on the planet Zarkon.

Okay. Well, have fun.

Hey, nice going, kid.

I didn't know you had it in you.

You're okay. Thanks, Uncle Harvey.

Have a nice flight back to the coast. Thanks.

Say hi to Aunt Esther for me. Sure will.

Excuse me.

Aren't you R.J. Fletcher?

Yes! Ooh!

Yeah!

Hey, Stanley, congratulations. You really pulled us through.

George, I want you to know that I'm mighty proud to be a part of your team.

Well, I'm mighty proud of you, too, Stanley.

In fact, I'd like to present you with a small token of my gratitude.

A trophy.

That... that's me?

"Stanley... World's greatest janitor and TV Star."

Aw, George, I never had anybody give me a trophy before.

It's... it's big.

George, you're my best friend in the whole world.

I'm gonna go show everybody right now.

Hey, everybody, look at what George gave me!

Hey! Hey, I know you.

You're the guy that gave me that 1955 double-die Denver mint penny.

Oh, ho, ho, thanks a lot, mister.

That thing was worth a fortune.

When I cashed it in, I got enough money to buy a whole bunch of shares, plus I got me a real neat watch.

It's a Rolex. See?

George?

You know those dreams you're always having?

Yeah?

Well, do you think that maybe sometime I could be part of them?

Honey, from now on, you're gonna be in all of 'em.

Oh, George.

Darlin', let's leave this place right now.

Let's go this very minute.

No, dear, please. Let's wait till tomorrow.

But why? Why?

Because tomorrow is another day.

I knew she was going to say that.


Put down your remote control Throw out your "TV Guide"

Put away your jacket There's no need to go outside Don't you know that we control the horizontal?

We control the vertical, too We gonna make a couch potato out of you That's what we're going to do now Don't change the channel Don't touch that dial We got it all on UHF Kick off your sneakers Stick around for a while We got it all on UHF Don't worry about your laundry Forget about your job Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob

- We got it all We got it all We got it all On UHF

Disconnect the phone Now, leave the dishes in the sink

You better put away your homework Prime time ain't no time to think All you do is make yourself a TV dinner Press your face right up against the screen We gonna show you things you ain't ever seen If you know what I mean, now Don't change the channel Don't touch that dial We got it all on UHF Kick off your sneakers Stick around for a while We got it all on UHF Don't worry about your laundry Forget about your job Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob

- We got it all We got it all We got it all On UHF

Ahh ahh Ahh ahh

You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night You can watch us anytime that you please You can sit around and stare at the picture tube Till your brain turns into cottage cheese Well, now Don't change the channel Don't touch that dial We got it all on UHF Kick off your sneakers Stick around for a while We got it all on UHF Don't worry about your laundry Forget about your job You got to crank up the volume Yank off the knob

- We got it all We got it all We got it all On UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF We got it all on UHF