Unaccompanied Minors (2006) Script

[OK GO'S "FATHER CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

[THUD]

* When I was small I believed in Santa Claus *

* Though I knew it was my dad *

* And I would hang up My stocking at Christmas... *

BOY: Whoo! Santa.

MAN: The big man himself.

Now, Charlie, you're gonna be okay this year, right?

Never been better, Dad.

Ho-ho-ho! Who do we have here?

[INHALES] DAD: You're up.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Whoo! Santa.

I can't believe it's really you.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

DAD: It's all right, everybody.

Happens every year.

[GROANS AND GRUNTS]

* Give all the toys To the little rich boys... *

Okay, go. Prove it.

Okay.

* Don't give my sister A cuddly toy *

* We don't want a jigsaw Or Monopoly money... *

Santa, my friends and I have a bet.

About what?

[ALL GASP] I was right! You're hot!

You guys owe me a soy half-caf with a mocha shot!

Can you get me a discount?

* Don't mess around With those silly toys *

* But give my daddy a job 'Cause he needs one *

[SATELLITE BEEPING]

* He's got a lot of mouths To feed... *

GIRL: Mom, I'm 11!

I'll look like a loser getting my picture with Santa.

Okay, you'll look like someone who's grounded if you don't.

Now go sit on Santa's lap.

Go. [GROANS]

[BELLS JINGLE]

[GROANS]

* Father Christmas Give us some money... *

Agh!

Hands off, fat boy!

[GRUNTING]

* We'll beat you up If you don't hand it over *

* We want your bread So don't make us annoyed *

SANTA: Ho-ho-ho! * Give all the toys *

* To the little rich boys... *

GIRL: I don't wanna see Santa!

You know what, then let's just go.

I don't wanna go!

Then get on Santa's lap.

I don't wanna!

Ho-ho-ho!

Somebody's not being a very good girl.

I might have to put coal in your stocking this year.

[WAILING]

Nice work. Did they send you to school for that?

Okay...

Look, Katherine, nothing's gonna happen. See?

Everything's okay.

GIRL 2: Oh, my God!

That dorky kid from the AV squad is getting his picture taken with Santa.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

* Give all the toys To the little rich boys *

* Have yourself a merry Merry Christmas *

* Have yourself A good time *

Ugh! Why do we have to spend Christmas with Dad, anyway?

I mean, he's just gonna be working the whole time.

Honey, I know that this is all hard on you, but you are the man of the family now, and your sister is counting on you to make this a good Christmas for her.

Honey, please, just take care of her.

Oh, excuse me.

Um, my children are traveling without me, and they told me that I should--

I got two unaccompanied minors!

Welcome to the friendly skies, underage travelers.

Hey, look what we have here. The wings. And wings for you.

All right, let's go experience the wonders of flight.

Mm, okay... While we're young.

Yes. We have to walk. Uh...

There you go. It's happening.

Uh, oh... I love you, Katie.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Spencer.

MAN: Please focus.

Eh...

Um... Uh...

[GROANS]

[***]

MAN [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hoover International Airport.

How come we're not in Pennsylvania?

We have to change planes.

But I liked our plane.

[SIGHS]

Hey, so, uh, you guys are the Davenports, right?

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

All right, well, my name is Zach, and I'll be taking care of you during your layover.

And give me five!

[GRUNTS] Ha!

Follow me this way.

[SOFTLY] Ow! Man.

KATHERINE: Where are all the Christmas decorations?

ZACH: Well, our boss doesn't really like Christmas, so he locked all the decorations away somewhere.

But he did let us put up a few things.

For example, um... Do you see that over there?

That green thing is a Christmas tree, and those red thingies are holly.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

Yeah, I kind of agree with you.

But, uh, that's the way Mr. Porter wanted it.

Huh. Who's Mr. Porter?

He's the head of Passenger Relations.

And, uh, between you and me, I don't really think he likes passengers, or holidays, really.

He sounds mean.

Yeah. It really depends on what mood he's in.

MAN: Smell the air, Hoffman. Do you know what that is?

Cinnabons, Mr. Porter?

[CHUCKLES]

Freedom.

It's my first Christmas off in 15 years.

Just me, a Hawaiian resort, and no complaining passengers to deal with.

You know the one who'll be complaining now?

Me, and I'll be complaining about everything.

And they'll just have to stand there and listen to me because it's their job, not mine.

Sounds like fun, sir.

Oh, it's more than fun.

It's my vacation.

[LAUGHS]

Well, aloha, suckers.

MAN [OVER PA]: Aloha. All flights to Hawaii have been canceled due to heavy snow.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

[***]

[GROANS]

And Merry Christmas to me.

[WIND HOWLING]

MAN 1 [ON TV]: Twenty inches of snow have fallen--

MAN 2: This is easily the storm of the cent--

MAN 3: Worst blizzard we've--

MAN 4: Ten-foot drifts--

And then after Christmas, head up to Hoover International Airport for the first-ever unclaimed baggage warehouse sale.

You never know what you might find.

Clothes, toys, electronics.

If someone's lost it, you can buy it.

[GROANS]

Oh, no, did you bite your tongue again?

When I wrote Santa, I forgot to tell him that we were gonna be at Dad's house, all the way in Pennsylvania.

How is he gonna find us now?

Oh, you mean that Santa guy that you're scared of? Him?

I mean, he-- He's not even gonna--

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

He'll find you.

The tooth fairy gave him directions.

She works with NORAD.

[SIGHS]

Spencer, NORAD says that Santa's gonna be at this airport at 4:29.

So that means if we lived here, Santa would bring me my new doll at 4:30.

Mm-hm. ZACH: Um, guys.

We have a problem.

MAN [OVER PA]: Attention, passengers.

All flights out of Hoover Airport have been suspended until further notice, due to blizzard conditions.

The weather service is forecasting heavy snow and high winds until tomorrow morning, with a chance of continued storm activity...

You're killing me, man. I gotta get out of here!

...we apologize for any inconvenience.

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[***]

Uh, where are we going?

Somewhere really fun.

KATHERINE: Are we going to prison?

ZACH: No, we're going to have fun with all the other kids who are flying by themselves.

Welcome to the Unaccompanied Minors Room.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

CARTOON SANTA: Hello!

[ALL BELCHING]

[GIRLS CHEERING]

[GIRLS SHRIEKING]

Oh, man. It's like Lord of the Flies in here.

Help us!

Zach, we're flight attendants, not riot police.

You've got to find someone else to take over.

You guys, there is no one else. The storm is huge.

Just think of it like being in the air.

With the normal passenger load and secure all the exits and discourage anybody from going to the restroom.

Uh... Oh, come on, you guys!

Have fun, Zach! Where's your Christmas spirit?

I mean, look at them, they're so cute.

I don't think Santa's gonna find us in here.

[***]

[KIDS SHRIEK]

* He's a rootin' Tootin' Santa Claus *

* Ridin' reindeer Through the skies... *

WOMAN: Hm, I think I bought defective M&M's.

You know, some of these are W's.

Oh, come on, Val, lighten up, you know?

It's Christm-- I know that you're worried about the kids.

They're gonna be fine.

It's Christmas Eve, you know.

We're gonna do more decorating--

No, no. Judy, you don't have any more decorating to do.

Yes, I have to finish.

I have six more boxes of lights in the garage.

This is creepy.

You're just poisonous, aren't you?

Thanks for being such a great sister.

The weather service is calling it the Storm of the Century.

It's gotta be the biggest blizzard to hit the middle of the country in decades.

I mean, we're talking nasty.

It's already grounded all flights in and out of the Midwest--

Oh, no! The kids!

[KIDS SCREAMING]

Can we change planes now?

BOY 1: Come on, let's go! BOY 2: Let's go!

Okay, yeah, I can do this. All right. Kids love me.

I'm all right. I'm good, I'm good.

Excuse me, sir? Hey!

Didn't I tell you this was gonna be fun?

Look at how many kids are here, man.

Get us out of here. Okay?

Eww!

Now, why would you want to do that?

It's great down here. Look, watch this.

Hey, can I get-- Can I get your guys' attention please?

Okay-- Ow!

All right, accidents happen.

Oh, all right... That one was full!

Ow! Straw in the eye. Straw in the eye.

[ZACH YELLING]

Santa's watching! He's not very happy about this!

He's not going to come to your house!

Amateurs.

BOY: I bet he's psycho.

I heard he tore a kid in half once.

Go poke him.

No, you go poke him.

[***]

[GASPS]

[SPLUTTERING]

We could call Mom.

Yeah, well, she wouldn't drive

2000 miles to pick us up.

Then let's call Dad.

Oh, yeah, he wouldn't drive four feet to get us.

Pardon me, but do your parents happen to be divorced?

What?

I'm Charlie Goldfinch, and I'm conducting a poll about flying solo this time of year.

Being divorced is number one so far.

Being Jewish and visiting your grandparents is second.

And then there are the rich kids.

[ALL LAUGHING]

They're not statistically significant.

Oh, burn!

Good times, you guys. All right.

GIRL: Okay.

Her name's Grace Conrad.

I admire your taste.

She's way out of your league, but if you talk to her, I'll admire your pluck.

So, what about you two?

Divorce or Judaism?

It's really none of your business.

CHARLIE: Divorce? Me too.

Polls are a great way to learn about your fellow man.

Thank you for your time.

This place is weird.

It could be worse.

BOY: Okay, Simon says flush your cell phone.

[FLUSHING]

Is this bathroom out of order?

Uh, no. Uh, no.

Must escape the sound of running water.

[GROANS]

Read 'em and weep, boys. Oh, man.

I'm already out, like, 100 bucks.

Ah. Texas Hold 'Em.

Excellent game.

What, you play? Only all the time.

No, you don't. Yeah, I do.

I mean, she doesn't know what she's talking about.

I play all the time, and I win.

We think she's adopted.

You're adopted, underpants!

BOY [LAUGHING]: Underpants.

Nice jacket.

Abercrombie?

Please. It's Dior. Why? Is yours from A & F?

Our mom bought it for him at Kmart.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah, I-I got to take her to get some food, you know?

Her blood sugar is low, right?

No, I wanna watch them play cards, noodle-head!

[ALL LAUGHING] Yeah.

Let her watch, noodle-head.

[ALL LAUGHING] BOY: See ya, Kmart.

Deal me in.

You want your dolly back, you big baby?

You're gonna cry, huh?

Wah, wah.

Hey, guys, check this out. Come on, let's go.

It's borderline urgent now, sir.

I cannot let you leave without an attendant.

Why don't you wait for Maintenance to fix it?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

[ALL YELLING]

Ay, caramba!

Juice box in my back.

I am laying on a juice box. Ow!

KATHERINE: Sometimes I see my brother kissing his hand in his bedroom like this.

[SMOOCHING] [ALL LAUGH]

GRACE: Awkward.

ZACH: Did the door just open?

I know the door just opened. I can feel fresh air.

BOY: Come on, let's get him!

ZACH: Someone's walking out. Morons.

You can't leave the room without an attendant.

Where are you going?

Out.

But... Ugh!

This goes against everything I believe in, but I gotta pee!

ZACH: Wait, who's going to pee? Ow!

Hey, keep the door closed! Who's walking out?

Ow! You better get up, man.

Oh!

* Bells on something or other *

Uh... * Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho *

Oh, no.

[MUMBLING]

Oh, you worry me, honey. You worry me.

I gotta call Sam.

Val, please. Why don't you relax?

I know exactly what you need.

A nice, steaming cup of my wonderful hot chocolate.

Oh, God, I've had three already.

And it's 80 degrees outside!

Are you trying to kill me?

Well...

Uh, no.

Judy, my children are trapped in an airport on Christmas Eve.

Do you have any idea how miserable they must be?

* Joy to the world *

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Finally! Yeow!

DONNA: Where's that kid who had to pee?

[URINATING] [CHARLIE MOANING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Sam Davenport, Clean Earth Society.

Hi, Sam, it's Val. Oh, hey, Val.

Yeah, I'm heading to the airport right now to pick up the kids.

You're not gonna be able to. What?

They're not gonna be able to fly in!

Val, Val, calm down.

There's a blizzard-- It's not snowing out.

Yes, it is. Oh.

Well, are you sure their flight's canceled?

Would Al Roker make that up?

No, no. I guess Al Roker wouldn't lie.

Val, I'm gonna drive all night to get them.

And don't make that face.

I would like a table for one in the no-little-sisters section, please.

Aren't you a little young to be flying by yourself?

Not at all.

No. No kids' menu.

No, no, no, no.

No crayons either.

[***]

COMPUTER: Welcome to the High Flyer's Club, Miss Conrad.

Thank you.

CHARLIE: Ooh, gadgets.

Hm...

DONNA: Bingo.

[***]

Yes.

Cheese. Condiments.

Caviar.

Nachos. Oh, my mom never lets me eat those.

So an order of those.

She's banned all sodas from the house, so extra-, extra-, extra-large root beer.

My mom never let me eat mozzarella sticks.

Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert, huh?

You don't have a tapeworm, do you?

[WHIRRING]

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

[RATTLING]

Oh! Oh!

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Aah!

[AIR HISSING]


[GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

Travel is so exhausting, don't you think, girls?

Left, left. Yes.

* Jingle bells Jingle all the way *

How are you?

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! *

Take it, backup singers!

[TIMOTHY HUMMING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Sweet Jehoshaphat.

He did it.

Freeze!

Freeze! Hey!

MAN: Excuse me, are you unaccompanied?

I'm single. Who's asking?

They are.

Are you gonna let me get dressed, or should I just walk out of here naked?

[SPENCER GROANING]

Whew!

Okay, airport food's that much, huh?

I am so gonna kill you.

It was good service.

Yep.

It seemed like he would--

Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

[SIGHS] He didn't even eat the mozzarella sticks.

Eat my dust! MAN: Stop it, kid.

MAN 2: Look out!

MAN 3: Get her!

DONNA: Coming through!

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Security 5, I have an unattended vehicle outside here.

Hi.

Um, officer...

I-I think you're doing a great job.

Both of you. DONNA: Hey, kid, hop in!

I don't normally do this, officers. Sorry!

[***]

GRACE: Uh-oh.

Hey, bro. Hi, Mom, Dad.

You guys, this vacation was awesome.

I just wanna thank you.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

Grace? MAN: There they are!

You. Wait for me! MAN 2: Stop!

Oh, man, Harvard's never gonna accept me with a police record.

And I'm not going to community college. Charlie?

What are you guys doing? That's an official--

MAN: Get 'em! MAN 2: Let's get 'em!

I've always wanted to do this. Go!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[SCREAMING]

GRACE: Uh, Charlie, you might wanna get on the cart.

MEN: Hup, hup, hup, hup.

[GRUNTS]

CHARLIE: Oh, this is a bad idea!

Ah.

Ooh. Nicely done.

When did you get here?!

Mm-mm.

[GUARDS SHOUTING]

[SPLUTTERING]

GRACE: I get the feeling we are going to be in huge trouble.

Not with me behind the wheel. Hang on!

[GRUNTING]

DONNA: Right turn! [SCREAMING]

[***]

Well, that was fun.

PORTER: Welcome home.

GRACE: Where are my friends?

Oh, man.

[DOOR CLOSES] SPENCER: Where's my sister?

PORTER: They went where all the good little boys and girls go for Christmas.

They went somewhere nice.

Where, you ask?

Why, the comfortable and festive Hoover International Lodge.

Which is just a few thousand yards down from this delightful little room, which now smells like a horse died in it.

Oh, so we're going to the lodge?

Uh...

I think I have an answer to your question.

Are you out of your juice-drinking little minds?!

The roads are blocked because there is a little thing called a blizzard going on.

That's when the sky opens up and lots of snow falls and makes it hard for people to do things.

Like fly to Hawaii, for instance.

Who's going to Hawaii?

Not me.

Not anymore.

SPENCER: Uh, sir, I gotta get down to my sister.

She's gonna be freaked without me.

Will she be freaked?

You know, I'm betting she's gonna be stoked that people are taking care of her, and she doesn't have to wait around for her brother, who abandoned her.

So where are we staying?

What's wrong with right here?

It smells like a horse died in it.

Well, that's exactly the kind of place I thought a bunch of juvenile delinquents would love to stay.

Hey. Watch it, Dr. Evil.

Oh, no, did I offend you?

Well, I don't know what else to call someone who commits grand theft auto, reckless driving, and destruction of property all in the course of 10 minutes.

Someone cooler than you'll ever be.

Oh! Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Whoo, that's fantastic.

I didn't know we had Ellen DeGeneres in the house.

And what about a young man who orders the heart-attack special and can't pay for it?

Or a girl who exfoliates herself all over the airport lounge?

Then, the abominable snowman who transforms the Emergency Equipment Center into his own private amusement park and then blames it on Aquaman?

Aren't you a little too old to be playing with dolls?

I mean, what are you, like 40?

ZACH: Uh, actually, Beef's 12, sir.

Good Lord.

And Charlie Goldfinch, my most frequent underage flyer.

And formerly model passenger.

Karaoke, son?

Was it worth it?

I had a song in my heart.

Oh, my gosh, I'm a juvie.

Uh-huh. I think you can all see that I have a very compelling case to keep you here in the U.M. on Christmas Eve.

ZACH: But, um... who's gonna take care of them?

You are, Van Bourke.

And unless you enjoy unemployment, you'll make sure they don't get out of this room again.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[MAN WHISTLING "DECK THE HALLS"]

Aaah!

[GROANS]

Ho-ho-ho!

The phone lines at the airport are still down.

Just call Spencer's cell phone. Huh? Why don't you do that?

Sam talked me out of getting him one.

He said millions of them were polluting landfills already.

He's never gonna make it from Pennsylvania to get them.

There's just no way. He doesn't even have a real car!

You married a guy with a vegetable car.

SAM: This is good. This is good!

Me and you on the roads. Two guys.

I don't imagine there are gonna be many biodiesel depots open on Christmas Eve, so I've packed you a little holiday meal.

I hope you like vegetarian.

[LAUGHING]

I hope you like vegetarian.

Katherine can't have Christmas morning without Santa Claus.

Let's go.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Road trip!

* Silver bells *

* Silver bells *

* It's Christmastime In the city... *

I got the last rooms.

We'll have to pack the sky brats in like sardines.

I wanna go home. I don't wanna get packed in like a sardine.

Santa's never gonna find me here.

I didn't understand a word of that.

So, little girl, how would you like to stay with Mary Lynn and me?

Who's Mary Lynn?

Only the world's sweetest sweetie pie, that's who.

Hi. I'm Mary Lynn.

We're gonna have loads of fun together.

[SNORTING LAUGH]

Okay. You listen, and you listen good.

I've never had a little sister, so you're gonna be my test run.

I am going to braid your hair, little girl.

And even if you try to say no, you'll face the consequences.

Get it? Got it? Good!

So there is some good news.

Your cots are ready.

Yeah, I'll be right back.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES, LOCK CLICKS]

This is so not the Christmas I had in mind.

Oh, poor baby.

I bet you have nice Christmases, don't you, rich kid?

Where does your family go?

Paris? London? Fiji?

Please. Fiji's a zoo this time of year.

We go skiing in Utah.

Are your folks still together?

Yeah.

Then I hate you.

I'm not wild about you either.

Well, I love Christmas.

And I'm Jewish.

My mom's boyfriend says that Christmas is when Frosty the Snowman fights with the devil.

It talks.

I'm getting out of here.

What are you talking about?

I need to get to my sister down at the hotel.

She's expecting Santa's sleigh to get there at 4:30 a.m. and if I don't get down there, she's gonna think Santa forgot her.

And I can't let that happen. So who's with me?

I got an idea.

[***]

This is not gonna work.

This is so junior high.

I know. It's cool, isn't it?

WOMAN [ON PA]: Attention, Zach Van Bourke.

Please report to the Information Desk.

You're wanted at the Information Desk.

Oh.

All right, guys. Well, I'll be right back.

You guys stay. Please.

[WHISTLING]

[HUMMING]

[ALL GRUNT]

[GROANS]

Great plan, Kmart. Really thought that one out.

That was only part of the plan.

[WHISTLING]

Hey.

Hey.

I'm here.

Yeah.

You know what? It's been really cool hanging out.

But I'm gonna go back to the book.

I'm Zach Van Bourke. You paged me?

Oh. Yeah.

You got a phone message from some kids.

I do? Yeah. They said:

"Goodbye."

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

You're right. That was so junior high.

Operation Save Christmas is a go.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Looking good, baby, looking good!

Who needs four-wheel drive when you've got the power of clean?

[HORN HONKING]

Hey! Get out of the way, grandma!

[CHUCKLES]

Fossil-fuel junkie.

Gasoholic.

Enjoy the hangover!

[SCOOTER MOTOR WHIRRING]

[WHISTLING]

I wonder where the fire is.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, doesn't she look just darling?

KATHERINE: Excuse me, lady.

Uh, I need to be at--

I need to get it--

I need to be at a chimney at 4:30 because I need to meet Santa.

Girls? The pilots are down in the restaurant, and they wanna buy us dinner.

Captain Cohen's down there?

Never too late for a fifth husband.

Let's go, girls!

[GASPS] The kids.

[ALL SIGH]

Don't worry, ma'am, I'm a certified babysitter.

I get paid 50 cents an hour.

Mary Lynn, there's a 20 in this for you.

[CHUCKLES]

CINDI: Captain Cohen, here I come.

Oh, no, you don't.

You are not going anywhere because I am going to give you a makeover.

An extreme makeover. [KNUCKLES CRACK]

[SNORTS]

PORTER: They're children!

Don't tell me you can't find them.

They're little tiny people.

[QUIETLY] Get back.

Do you know what the word "security" means? Huh?

From the Latin, securitas?

As in "secure the building from children running amuck."

ZACH: Mr. Porter, as long as they're in the airport they're safe.

If you chase them, it's--

It's just-- It's just gonna make things worse.

Oh, yeah. That's right, Van Bourke.

That would be much more tragic than me getting fired.

Now, you help me find those kids, or I'm gonna lock you in the U.M. Room all night.

How do you like them apples?

Oh, my gosh, we're fugitives.

GRACE: Shut up.

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

What'd they do, call out the National Guard?

If you get me sent back to that room, you're dead.

What are you gonna do, rich girl?

Have your daddy hire a hit man?

Maybe I'll just have him break your dad out of jail.

[SIGHS] Mm.

[GIGGLES]

CHARLIE: Girl fight. Girl fight. Oh, my gosh, it's a girl fight.

SPENCER: No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't. Please, no, no, no.

Ow! Ow! Ow! [WALL THUMPING]

I saw this on cable once, but then my dad blocked the channel.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Oh, 'tis the season to be j--

[GASPS]

That's gonna hurt when I pee.

Oh, my gosh. Kid, are you okay?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I'm fine.

Look, I-I'm really sorry.

I just-- I just don't like being touched, okay?

[NORMAL VOICE] Got it. Won't happen again.

SPENCER: You know what, guys?

If we are ever gonna get down to that hotel, we have to be a team.

You know, we have to-- We have to think like a team.

We have to act like a team, we have to talk like a team.

We have to walk like a team, fight like a team and be like a team because we are the U.M. Team.

[***]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah. What do we do first?

I'll get your sister a Christmas tree.

[***]

We're never gonna see him again, are we?

Probably not.

Okay, if I may interject.

If we wanna get out of this airport, our best bet would be the lower level, northeast corner, behind the baggage claim.

Security's thin at this time of night.

And how do you know that?

I fly out of Hoover International every week.

[***]

[PENCIL SQUEAKING]

There.

Now it's time to brush your teeth.

I'm not a doll, Mary Lynn.

No.

You're way better. You can talk.

And I don't even have to pull a stupid string.

[GIGGLES]

Now open up. [GROANS]

But, Mary Lynn, I already brushed my teeth.

[SPLAT] [GASPS]

Did you tell the kids I was coming to get them?

VALERIE: No. Why not?

Because Spencer doesn't have a cell phone, remember?

Besides, I didn't want the kids getting their hopes up in case your car doesn't make it there.

Hey, the biomobile rocks, okay?

And besides, I have enough fuel in the back seat to get me to Florida and back if I wanted to.

Well, I hope you're not talking on one of those roadside pay phones.

I read that all kinds of freak accidents happen there by the shoulder.

Wait, wait. Oh. Honey.

You have to stop reading those dumb tabloids, okay?

You know they make those stories up.

[SIGHS]

Aagh! Aagh!

Oh, boy.

[***]

ERNIE: Tell you what, Zooey, you gotta toughen this kid up.

ZOOEY: Oh, Ernie. Beef's only 12.

ERNIE: Twelve. Exactly. He still plays with a doll.

You seen the kids that pick on him?

He should be eating them for breakfast.

Ah, it's your ex-husband's fault.

Ninny.

Tell you what, if it was up to me, I'd drop this kid in the middle of the woods, give him a knife and a book of matches.

Let him find his way home.

That's the way my old man did it to me.

Men are made, not born.

Merry Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho!

Take me with you, Santa.

[SCREAMING]

Aquaman... men are made, not born.

[***]

[DOG GROWLS]

MAN: My deal.

Mr. Yakamora. [LAUGHS]

MAN 2: Hey, big dog. Are you hungry? Yeah.

Okay. So the exit we're looking for is right behind that door.

GRACE: We need a distraction.

Something to get them away from there.

No Christmas dinner for you, Cujo.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BARKING]

MAN 3: Keep barking.

Think we just found it.

[***]

Okay, kids.

Let's follow your crumbs.

MAN 2: It's almost gone. MAN: Forget the dog.

Come on, keep dealing.

MAN: We only got about a half-hour for lunch.

[DOG GROWLING, BARKING]

MAN 2: So this guy gives me his bag. It was so heavy...

[BARKING]

[WHIMPERS]

Hey, man. Why don't you share your lunch with him?

Okay, doggie. You can have the last piece.

Not.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Not gonna get it.

Ho! Aaagh!

[MAN 2 SCREAMING]

[BARKING] [SCREAMING]

[CRUNCH] [SQUEALS]

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

Oh, man.

[***]

PORTER: Van Bourke, get after that dog.

What? Okay. The dog!

[WHISPERS] That's him, guys. Hide.

PORTER: What's going on here?

[SQUEAKING] The dog got out of the cage.

How? We don't know.

Trapped like rats.

[MOUTHS] No. Zip.

PORTER: Hello?

Anybody in here?

Ooh, candy.

Anybody under 6 feet tall?

Anybody who isn't traveling with an adult?

Olly olly oxen free?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Hello?

Um, sir?

Huh? Hi.

Yeah, that dog just took a dump in the promenade, and its owner wants to talk to you.

The nightmare has begun.

Search this room from top to bottom, and let me know the minute you find anybody.

Van Bourke, come with me.

Ah! Ah! Mr. Porter.

What is this doing here?

Unclaimed.

Get it back to the warehouse.

Uh-oh.

Do I have to do everything around here?

[GRUNTS]

[SHRIEKS]

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

Ah! My candy. Ah!

Oh-ho, gosh!

Let's go get some coffee.

Let's go.

[***]

What's the matter? Charlie is in there.

SPENCER: What? Turn it off.

There's no key.

Charlie!

Why, hello.

GRACE: Donna, what are you doing?

Come back!

I gotta save him!

It's not so bad in here.

Ah!

Oh, no!

Charli-- Oh!

Whoa.

Whoa!

Help!

Donna!

I hope this is going someplace nice.

Ow! Oh.

Charlie!

You follow her, okay? I'll take him.

Got it. Good.

[SCREAMING]

Aaaagh!

[GRUNTING]

Uh-oh.

I should've gone to the bathroom.

Help me!

[SCREAMS]

DONNA: You've gotta be kidding me!

* There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-o *

* B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-- *

Oh.

Well, that doesn't sound good.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

That hurt.

[SCREAMING]

Charlie. Donna, is that you?

Charlie, are you--? Whoa!

Y--

T-- Um--

Go. Okay.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

N-- Ow!

Agh! Ugh!

[SOBBING]

I got you, Charlie.

Charlie, are you okay?

I'd be better if you'd get your knee off my spleen.

Oh, no.

Hang on, Charlie!

[BOTH YELP]

Donna, Charlie.

Are you guys okay? Please tell me you're okay.

Donna? Your knee's in an even worse place this time.

Oh, thanks.

You guys, look.

Where are we?

SPENCER: Well, this would be the unclaimed-baggage warehouse.

I saw this place on TV.

Oh, my gosh.

There's at least 50 years' worth of unclaimed luggage in this place.

Please, someone, tell me it's beautiful.

Hey, Spencer. Looks like your sister's not the only one who's gonna get a good Christmas this year.

CHARLIE: Um...

Somebody wanna unzip me?

SPENCER: Oh. Sure. Sure.

Sorry.

[ALL WHOOPING]

[GROOVIE GHOULIES' "ALL ABOARD" PLAYING]

* Newlonsburg, Kingston All clear, are we goin' *

* To Utica or Syracuse Rochester or Buffalo? *

[GASPS]

* Eerie, Pennsylvania *

* Cleveland on the lakeshore *

Cool.

[GROANS]

Sweet.

* Ahhh *

* Straight into Chicago *

[IMITATING GUITAR PLAYING]

* Ow! *

Hyah!

[IMITATING GUITAR PLAYING]

Ew!

[IMITATING SWORD SLASHING]

Ow!

[GASPS]

Ah.

[SNORING]

[THE CHIPMUNKS "THE CHIPMUNKS SONG" PLAYING ON RADIO]

[CAR SPUTTERS]

Oh, boy.

* We've been good But we can't last *

* Hurry, Christmas Hurry fast *

[HORN HONKS]

[ENGINE HISSING]

[HONKS HORN]

[CLATTERING]

[BUZZING]

No! Please don't kill me.

That was a friendly honk, uh, meant only to respectfully attract attention.

Oh, hey. Sorry to scare you.

I was just about to carve a beaver.

Carve a beaver.

Got it. Got it.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, uh, do you guys sell biodiesel here?

We got regular diesel and unleaded gas. That's about it.

Unless you want a statue of Lincoln carved out of a telephone pole.

[SIGHS]

What harm could one tank of diesel do?

[SPUTTERING, CLANKING]

What have I done?

[ENGINE HUMMING]

[HUMMING SILENCES]

Oh, thank God.

[***]

That doesn't look good.

[***]

[BEEF PANTING]

[SPITS]

Ah.

[THUMP]

Ow.

So, what's the cool things you found?

Oh. Say hello to my surfboard.

I found a walkie-talkie family pack.

It has cameras and video screens inside of them.

Oh, I just took a video of the inside of my ear using a penlight and a macro lens.

Now, who wants to see my ear canal? Come on.

Ew.

No, thank you.

I'll watch it, then.

Spencer? Anything you wanna tell us?

Oh, this. It's for my sister. She loves princesses.

Then why don't you give her the rich girl over there?

[TAPS DRUMS]

Kidding.

Mmm!

What'd you find?

You know, I have no idea, but how cool does it look?

Hey, that's an 8-track tape player.

According to the Massachusetts 8-Track Collector Magazine, I have the largest collection of cassettes in the state.

But I don't mean to brag.

Whoa.

This is one of my favorites.

Could this night get any better?

[LEE MORGAN'S "THE SIDEWINDER" PLAYING ON TAPE PLAYER]

What is he doing?

[GIGGLES] What are you doing?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

* Slinky, it's Slinky What a wonderful toy *

* It's Slinky, it's Slinky Fun for a girl and a boy *

[LAUGHS]

Hoffman.

Shut up.

Not now.

Hoffman, I think you should take a look at this.

This better be goo-od.

Ho, whoa. What in the sam hill?

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

Mm.

[GIGGLING] Whoo.

Ooh, Charles.

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, Charles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look, I saved him, I'll dance with him.

Okay.

Hey, you let me touch you.

I'm touching you, kid. Don't get any ideas.

I can still take you down.

Oh.

All right, Kmart, let's see what you got.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

[GULPS]

You do realize if you tell anyone about that photo you saw in my wallet, I'll have to kill you.

Right. Lips sealed.

Not-- Not telling anyone, I swear.

Hm. Good.

Um, it was a nice picture, though. I liked it.

Ew. Nice try.

No, I mean, I think girls look really good in glasses.

Not that you don't look good without them, of course.

I mean, that's not what I meant at all, you know?

I was a dork.

Hey, join the club.

doing better PR for you than your sister.

[SIGHS]

Are you gonna pass out or something?

[LAUGHS]

[WATCH BEEPS]

Oh, man. I mean, we gotta go.

You know what, guys? I mean, we gotta go.

My sister's expecting Santa's sleigh to arrive soon, and we don't know how we're getting to the hotel.

PORTER: Why do you need a hotel when you've got a nice concrete room to go back to?

[GASPS]

Run! PORTER: They're on the move.

Don't lose them in here. Van Bourke, guard the door.

It's Christmas Eve, sir.

Can you just... leave them alone?

[***]

Split up, split up!

We might wanna get off the main road here.

Grace, come on. Oh. Dirty.

Okay.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Okay, nobody panic. Nobody panic.

Nobody panic!

Donna, I have a confession.

I was never a good runner. I can't even do the running man.

You smart guys are all the same:

Good on test day, bad on fight day.

Follow me, men. Ho-ho.

Watch out for your footing, guys.

I don't want anyone falling behind.

[ALL GRUNT]

SPENCER: There's the door.

You guys, look, it's the hotel.

Oh, boy. [ALARM RINGING]

Move it, moron. They're escaping out the back.

CHARLIE: It's the Hoover International Lodge.

SPENCER: We need to get down there.

How? You got four snowmobiles?

Ow.

Watch the Winter Olympics?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What are you doing?

We're going to the hotel to find Spencer's sister.

Way to go. Anything else you wanna tell him?

Van Dork, I'm afraid you know too much now.

Ow. Wait.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, now go!

Wait, I promise I won't talk. Please let me out!

Hey! Hey!

VAN BOURKE: Help!

Last one down the hill is a fired apple.

[***]

[GRUNTING]

Ah. Ha-ha!

* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *

* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A S-A-N-T-A *

* Santa *

VAN BOURKE: Whoa!

[VAN BOURKE WHIMPERING]

Uh, we seem to be moving a tad rapidly.

[BOTH YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

Ah-ow!

Tree! Watch out!

Aaagh!

[ALL SCREAMING]

VAN BOURKE: Ow! Pine needles!

Nice steering, Tex.

Hey!

Uh, I usually like to try to avoid clich├ęs, but we've got some company.

[ALL SHOUTING]

More trees!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Take evasive action, boys! Steer around the trees.

How do we steer?

Aaagh!

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[GRUMBLES]

You know, if I wasn't so utterly terrified, I might be having fun.

Drift!

[ALL SCREAMING]

DOLL: Mama.

VAN BOURKE: My butt!

Cowabunga! Ha-ha!

Aaagh!

Sweet Jehoshaphat!

Uh-oh.

[BABBLING]

GRACE: Look out, he's gonna hit us!

Lean left!

I'm coming, Mr. Porter!

This is all wonderful fun, but you do realize the enormous amount of trouble you're gonna be in when I catch you, right?

Not if I can help it. Paddle!

PORTER: Oh, you wanna speed up, huh?

Okay!

Whoa! Wait for me!

CHARLIE: Okay, not to be a stick in the mud, but I have to interject that we're moving at a very dangerous rate of speed.

I'd like to second that interjection!

Just keep paddling until I say when!

Please tell me you're gonna stop at the hotel!

Yeah, we are, but you're not! Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes! Whoa!

Unbelievable.

[PORTER & HOFFMAN SCREAMING]

HOFFMAN: I don't get paid enough for this!

Holy cow!

Well, this should be interesting.

[CRASH]

Darn. [CAR ALARM BEEPING]

Van Dork, aren't you coming with us?

No, you guys do what you gotta do.

I'm just gonna sit here, and you know... throw up for a little bit.

Cool. Spencer.

Yeah?

Be careful, okay?

You guys are acting like you had a little too much sugar.

Don't worry, Van Bourke. We're okay.

Wait up, you guys.

Uh-oh.

[***]

Guard cat.


[BELLS JINGLING]

You were a worthy opponent.

[***]

Ain't it a little past your bedtime, there, sonny?

I want a Christmas tree.

What about that little one?

What do I look like, freakin' Charlie Brown?

This big one's expensive. You got any money?

[HORN HONKING]

MAN: Sunday potluck, don't forget!

MAN 2: All right, partner, see you there!

You wanna come in for some eggnog?

Oh, man.

How am I gonna get to my kids now?

Your kids?

No, sir. No kid should be alone on Christmas Eve.

Not in an airport.

I really appreciate it.

However I can repay you, just name it.

Ta-da!

Oh, no. The mayor dropped it off for an oil change, but he's out of town.

You use it to pick up your kids and head back here.

I'll get you a rental car in the morning.

I can't drive that thing. It gets terrible mileage.

I'd loan you my Caddy, but squirrels ate through the brake lines.

I'm afraid this is your only choice.

Depends how much you wanna see your kids.

SAM: Forgive me, brother squirrel.

[***]

Oh, man.

I hope the boys in the Sierra Club don't see me in this.

Thanks.

Okay, so my sister is in room 424.

We've got like 14 minutes and-- [WATCH BEEPS]

Thirteen. [DOORS OPEN]

[***]

Okay.

Now I'm mad.

[ELEVATOR DINGS] Elevator.

We'll take care of him. You go get your sister.

Here, take these walkies. You'll need them.

Don't you kids know that you're supposed to be good on Christmas Eve?

Physician, heal thyself!

It's Shakespeare.

Man, you're no end of help in a fight, are you?

Oh, well.

Maybe next Christmas will be better than this one.

Sir, I advise you not to do that.

[SCOFFS] Punk, watch this.

[GROANING]

Thanks for the tip.

Mm-hm.

Oh, perfect.

Now everything hurts.

[GROANS] My contacts are going crazy.

Once a dork... always a dork.

You are so not a dork.

[SCOFFS]

[***]

Kid!

[GROANS]

Hey, kid!

Santa's sleigh arrives in nine minutes.

We gotta find her.

It's time to pluck your eyebrows.

Is my sister Katherine in there?

Who wants to know? Her brother wants to know.

Well, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

[SIGHS]

Let me handle this.

Move!

Aaagh! Aaagh!

SPENCER: Oh, no.

[LOW VOICE] Room service! Room service!

[SQUEAKING] Hey! No! Stop that!

Stop. Stop that. Everybody open up!

You're gonna get me in trouble!

Uh...

There were some kids running wild in the hall, and I was just, uh, trying to stop them.

It w-wasn't me.

Sounded like you.

They're, heh... very talented children.

I-I'm just, uh... gonna go, uh... f-find the children.

Right now!

Charlie, where are you guys?

Engaged with the enemy. Taking evasive action.

GRACE: We think Spencer's sister is downstairs.

We need you to keep the coast clear for us.

Roger that. [PORTER GRUNTS]

Donna, time for Han Solo and the Death Star.

Trust me. It's a nerd thing.

[ROARS]

DONNA: Aaagh!

You've gotta be kidding me.

Not a Star Wars move.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

BOTH: Mm-hm.

No! Room service. Room Service.

Room service. Get your free food here.

Now, I-- I know this looks bad, but...

And now so do you.

Oh, no.

[THUD, PORTER SHOUTS]


[SOFTLY] Merry Christmas, Katherine.

PORTER: Don't you just wanna take a picture?

Oh, you're all in so much trouble.

Just don't wake up my sister, okay?

Any more requests?

Milk and cookies?

A jail cell with a view?

VAN BOURKE: Uh, Mr. Porter, now, I know you probably don't wanna hear this, but I think that maybe you should just let these kids stay at the hotel.

It's Christmas.

Is that your sage advice, Van Bourke?

I will take your opinion into consideration one day when I actually care what you think.

Oliver... as soon as I get these kids back on their planes, I quit.

March.

Uh, sir, are you taking us to the U.M. room?

I would never do that to you on Christmas morning.

Really?

No.

You'll all be much happier here in your own private rooms.

Private rooms?

Uh, you don't expect me to let you stay together and plan your next assault on me and my airport?

Um, it's "my airport and I."

Hey, get this, Strunk and White, "me and my airport" is correct.

Dang. Oh, and by the way, all those stranded passengers you saw sleeping in the gate area?

There are too many of them and not enough planes leaving.

So I thought since they followed all the rules, and since you have such nice, comfortable rooms to stay in, that you wouldn't mind if I bumped you from your flights, and let them go instead.

Sir. Don't worry.

You'll be able to leave this afternoon or by this evening.

Tomorrow for sure.

You can't do that.

As a matter of fact, it's one of the few things I can do.

Lock them up.

[***]

I'll be in my office watching your every move on camera.

There'll be guards posted outside your doors.

If you find your way out of here, I'll be the first to congratulate you and admit defeat because you will have accomplished the impossible.

PORTER: Good luck.

[B.B. KING'S "PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

* Bells will be ringing *

PORTER: Ouch. Oh.

* The glad, glad news *

* Oh, what a Christmas *

[GROANING]

* To have the blues *

* My baby's gone *

* I have no friends *

* To wish me greetings *

* Once again *

Hey, guys.

Thanks for all the help with my sister.

You know, I'm sorry that... all your Christmases have to be ruined because of me.

We probably won't see each other again after our flights leave, so I just wanted to say that, uh, I had a really good time, and that I think we make a pretty awesome family.

Maybe the thing is it's just none of our families are meant to stay together, you know? Maybe that's it.

Except for you, Grace.

Actually, that's not totally true.

I thought your parents weren't divorced.

Well, not from each other, but they sort of divorced me.

What do you mean?

They just don't seem to like it when I'm around.

That's why they travel all the time.

They're in Paris right now.

So is that where you're going?

No. I'm already home.

I live 20 minutes from here.

I flew in today from boarding school.

I figured it'd be more fun hanging out at the airport than sitting at home with my nanny.

She wanted Christmas off anyway.

Now I'm really depressed.

You guys have vents in your ceiling?

[***]

Yeah.

GRACE: Yeah.

Then I'm getting us out of here.

Uh, Spencer... that guy's watching us on the cameras.

CHARLIE: He'll see everything we do.

Not if he doesn't see what we're doing.

[***]

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANING]

Just go to sleep, you little monsters.

[***]

[GROANS]

Okay, phase one finished? Check.

Check. Check.

Okay. On to phase two.

What was the worst Christmas gift you ever got?

That's easy. My brother Frank gave me the same Christmas present for 14 years.

Hated it.

Wh-what was it?

Punch in the head.

Ready? Go.

[GROANS]

What the...?

[***]

Stupid cheap cameras.

[GROANS]

Doesn't get any better than this.

[CHANTING]

[CHANTING STOPS]

Oh, we're supposed to take away chairs.

[GUARD CHANTING]

[CHANTING STOPS]

Okay?

I win!

Can I say something to you?

What?

Who needs Hawaii?

[BEEPING]

[***]

What?!

Donna? Are you okay?

It's really small in here.

I know. It's great, isn't it?

Charlie, just because you compensate for your abandonment issues by squeezing into small, womb-like spaces, doesn't mean everybody else does.

What? My mom's a psychologist.

Donna, I won't let anything happen to you.

I promise.

Thanks.

[FARTS]

Oh, Charlie, you didn't.

Sorry, I get nervous.

I had a hot dog when I got off the plane.

GRACE: Oh, Charlie.

Yeah, can we hold all of those until we're out of the confined space, please?

Will do.

Where are you going? The food court's this way.

Trust me. A few hundred yards, and I'll be--

[SCREAMS]

ALL: Charlie!

DONNA: Charlie, please tell me you're okay.

Hey, Donna. I told you I'd get you out of there.

Whoa.

This is where Mr. Porter put all the Christmas decorations.

[HONKS] [YELLS]

[ALL SNORING]

Hey, hey!

Wake up!

Wake up!

Check the rooms, you idiots.

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

Does this mean we can, uh, go on break?

All clear.

Whoa.

I don't think any planes are gonna be flying today.

Nope.

Looks like we'll be spending another day together.

[***]

Sounds good to me.

Is that?

Oh, my gosh.

[LAUGHS]

Man.

Wasn't easy getting this through security.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

SPENCER: Huh.

It's Christmas.

You know what, guys?

I've got an idea.

[SIMPLE PLAN'S "MY CHRISTMAS LIST" PLAYING]

Let's do this.

* Santa is coming tonight *

* And I wanna car And I wanna life *

* And I wanna first-class trip To Hawaii *

[DINGS]

And then I said, "That is my food."

Donna, how did you get here?

Van Bourke... we need your help.

* It's Christmas *

* And I want everything *

I need a list of all the kids traveling with families, and all the passengers traveling by themselves.

Okay, this one's mine and that one's yours. Okay?

back here at 7 a.m.?

* And I can't wait *

Oh, one more thing.

Feliz Navidad.

* Can't wait for Christmas *

* 'Cause now it's Christmas *

* 'Cause now it's Christmas *

I guess I owe you a congratulations.

As promised.

Who trained you kids, the Navy SEALs?

Look, sir, just... divorce kids are more resourceful than others. That's all.

Any chance you can tell me what you're up to now?

Something nice. You know, nothing bad. I promise.

Any chance of you trusting me and not locking us up again?

I was just doing my job. You do know that, right?

Just like I've just been doing my job every Christmas for the past 15 years.

Bet your family hates it that you work on Christmas.

Not much of a problem.... since my wife left five Christmases ago.

That why you don't put up the decorations?

Well, let's just say they don't remind me of happy times.

We were just, you know, trying to have a Christmas.

We thought you'd care.

Why would I care?

This is an airport.

You're passengers.

So?

So... passengers leave.

There's one thing I don't get.

I bump you off your planes, and I keep you from your families at Christmas.

Why do you guys seem almost... happy?

Because you didn't keep us from our family.

At least, not our new family.

[***]

Right.

Got it.

Mr. Porter.

We got you something.

Sorry we wrecked your vacation.


Almost there.

Highway mileage, not city mileage.

Highway mileage, not city--

Oh, come on!

Why?!

I've already filled you up five times!

How can you drink so much?!

You yellow monster.

Ah!

Ow!

[MOANS]

[BELL RINGING IN DISTANCE]

[***]

[DINGS]

[RINGING]

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

Good morning.

Merry Christmas! Everybody up.

[RINGING]

[***]


Happy holidays, everyone!


[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Merry Christmas, Katherine.

Spencer!

Spencer, Spencer.

Oh, whoa, hi.

Spencer, look what Santa brought me.

And he even brought back Sir Poops-A-Lot.

Santa's a nice guy, huh?

Uh-huh.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Santa came back.

It's...Santa.

Oh!

Who is that?

I thought you knew.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!

I hope you've all been good little boys and girls.

Ho, ho, ho.

Okay. Okay. Stay with me.

Yes. Santa.

PORTER: Get me a chair, you idiot.

Ho, ho, ho!

Here you go, Santa, sir.

Yes. Ho, ho. Thank you.

Ho, ho, ho!

I'm looking for Owen Marks.

I'm Owen Marks.

Well... merry Christmas, Owen Marks!

Thanks, Santa.

Oh, you're welcome, Owen. Merry Christmas.

You're not, like, gonna be scared of him now, are you?

Not after the night I just had.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait for me. Wait for me.

I wanna help. I wanna help.

Merry Christmas.

All right, Merry Christmas. Ow.

[SANTA SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Man, I'm glad you guys already have a Santa Claus.

There was a dead mouse in my costume.

Dad?

Daddy!

[GASPS] Daddy!

Merry Christmas, pumpkin!

Y-you drove from Pennsylvania for us?

Of course I did, Spence. I'm your dad.

Th-through a blizzard? In-- In your car?

Yeah, actually, I, um...

[WHISPERS] I drove a Humvee.

A Hummer.

Shh-shh-shh.

You drove a Hummer from Pennsylvania in a blizzard just to see us.

Yeah. But, hey, let's just talk about happy things, shall we?

I take back everything I ever said about you.

Wait, what--? What kind of things did you say about me?

Alan Davies.

Um...

I'm...

Actually, it's--

Sorry, I'm 36.

You're at an airport alone on Christmas morning, aren't you?

Yeah, Santa, I am.

Well, Alan, come on over and get your present from Santa!

[LAUGHING] Wow.

Awesome. I'd love a present.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Ooh, a basketball.

Oh, I love basketball!

ALAN: Check this out. I used to be an all-star.

[BALL THUMPS]

ALAN: Hey, can you throw that back?

but before I do, I just wanna thank my friends over there for setting all this up.

If they actually worked for Santa, they'd be fired so fast their heads would spin.

But they did a wonderful job here this morning.

And since they did, I want them to know that they'll be flying out of here first thing this morning.

Merry Christmas!

[CROWD CHEERING]

You're friends with Santa?

Yeah.

I guess I am.

[***]

Hi.

Do you like dolls?

I don't know.

Not as much as I used to, I guess.

I am 12, you know.

Did you know that I found that Christmas tree?

You did? How?

Lemme tell you a little story about a man called Beef.

Okay.

It all started on a cold, stormy night.

Me and Aquaman started trudging through the snow.

Yeah. Yeah, Mom. We're fine.

It turned out that it wasn't such a bad night after all, you know?

In fact it was, uh...

It was actually pretty great.

So, uh...

Yeah, I'll--I'll call again when I get to Dad's house.

Oh.

Mom?

Uh, I, uh...

I love you.

Her name is Lady Sleeps-A-Lot.

[SNIFFLES]

[GROANING]

Oh.

Oh, Val, what's wrong?

Oh, my gosh.

Are the kids okay?

Honey?

It's Spencer.

Well, is he all right?

He said... that he loved me.

[SIGHS]

Oh, criminy, Val.

You need to start dating more.

Do you know how ridiculous you look?

Really.

[MOANS]

So... it's all right if I call you sometime?

Why do you think I gave you my phone number, goofball?

It was nice meeting you, Donna.

You're a very special young lady.

Wow!

Man, you're so hot!

Yeah, I know.

Whew!

Other side.

The middle.

Down low.

Too slow.

[LAUGHING] I should've noticed

'cause "too slow" rhymes with "down low."

SAM: Why didn't I see that coming?

Well, hope you have a nice Christmas.

How could I not?

Got the whole place to myself.

More...fruitcake and eggnog for me.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, y-you know...

I was sort of thinking.

Maybe if-- If you don't wanna go home quite yet, you know, maybe you could, uh, I don't know, spend-- Spend Christmas with, uh, my dad and my sister and... me.

Took you long enough, noodle-head.

Come on.

[***]

Oh, hey. You guys have any money for gas? I, uh... kind of maxed out my cards on the way here.

[THE EELS' "EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE COOL THIS CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

* Remember last year When you were on your own *

* You swore the spirit Couldn't be found *

* December rolled around *

* And you were countin' on it To roll out *

* But everything's gonna be Cool this Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Well, everybody's waitin' For you down at the house *

* The tree is lookin' So inspired *

* There's a Yuletide groove Waitin' for you to move *

* I'll go and throw another log On the fire *

* But everything's gonna be Cool this Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *


* As days go by The more we need friends *

* And the harder They are to find *

* If I could have a friend Like you in my life *

* Then I guess I'd be Doing just fine *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

* Everything's gonna be cool This Christmas *

[***]

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *

* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A *

* S-A-N-T-A, S-A-N-T-A S-A-N-T-A *

* Santa *

* Santa *

* Santa *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *

* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *

* Santa *

* Santa *

* Santa *


* Santa *

* Santa *

* Santa *


* Santa *

* Santa *


SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!