Undercover Brother (2002) Script

After a generation of struggle... changed the face of our nation,...

African Americans entered the '70s... with new found hope.

I am... I am...

Somebody! Somebody!

Vibrant leaders emerged... and black culture reached its high point,... influencing all facets of American life.

But progress slowed in the decades that followed.

Black culture began to lose its distinctive flavor.

And as the millennium drew to a close disaster struck.

These seemingly random events were in fact orchestrated... by The Man, a villain obsessed... with turning back the clock on race relations.

Just when it seemed the funky spirit... of the '70s would be lost forever,... a new hero emerged. His name, Undercover Brother.


Give it to me. Need it, got to have it.

Say!


It ain't no thang.

Yeah.

A bird gonna shit on my windshield?!

Not on my Cadillac!

I'm gonna chop your feathers off and put you in Chinatown!

They gonna make Peking Pigeon out of you!

Damn!

Unbeknownst to Undercover Brother,... there was a secret organization dedicated to truth,... justice, and the Afro-American way.

They had never crossed paths until now.

Headquarters, come in.

Good work, Sistah Girl.

Data from the mainframe ready to commence.

She's transmitting! Are we up and ready? Yes, sir.

And I've hacked into the bank security system.

You've got soul.

We're in.

The computer! Another idea stolen from the black man.

Did you all know that George Washington Carver... made the first computer out of a peanut?

A peanut?

A peanut! Shut up and get back to work!

I've spent six months setting up this operation... and I want to see everything... off-shore accounts, dummy corporations, money laundering.

If we can cut off his funds,... we may finally be able to stop The Man.

Waited a long time for this.

What the hell? What the hell?

What the... Dissed.

Ah, solid. Hey!

What the hell are you doing, old man?

Headquarters...

Is there another agent on this case? Hell, no!

Damn it, who is that guy?

I'll cross-reference the bank's security camera with our database.

Come on, Uncle Ben!

It's Macy Gray with pork-chop sideburns!

Who's bad?

Ohh! Right up the pooper!

Right on, sweet sistah.

Damn it, who is he?!

Sistah Girl, abort mission!

Damn it. Who was that guy?

Solid.


Solid.

Too funky for myself.


Mr. Feather, The Man wants to see you.

Fabulous.

And now, the Channel 8 News with Wendy Marshall and Chuck Marlboro.

There's growing speculation that former defense secretary and war hero,...

General Warren Boutwell, will run for President.

He is considered the first African-American... with a legitimate chance of winning.

Wendy? Yeah, he is a strong candidate, Chuck.

He's so well-spoken. I've noticed that.

General Boutwell seems to have a lot of support all across the nation.

Yes, and not just in the urban areas.

In fact, the decorated four-star general and Vietnam vet... is regarded as one of the country's... most well-respected public figures.

Thank you very much.

A staunch advocate for civil rights,...

Boutwell has never backed down from controversial issues.

Indeed, if ever there was a straighter arrow than Warren Boutwell,... we'd be hard-pressed to find him.

Well, if he does declare his candidacy,... this certainly will be an exciting race.

Race? I'm not touching that one.

First, our children hip-hop all over the suburbs.

Now Boutwell might be President?!

They are taking over every aspect of our culture!

Don't you agree, Mr. Feather? Word.

For sheezy, my neezy. What did you say?

I said... for sure.

Yes, indeedy.

I have a cold.

I want the White House to stay white.

Eliminate him!

But, sir, if we kill him,... we'll only be making him a hero.

Do you have a better idea?

Our friends at Multinational Inc. have been developing a new drug... with some very interesting side effects.

I think we may have found the perfect guinea pig.

The so called Afro Bandit struck Multinational Bank.

However, it appears no money was stolen.

Authorities questioned singer Macy Gray,... but she was released for lack of evidence.

Well, would anybody like to explain exactly... what the hell happened at the bank?!

His name is Undercover Brother.

Apparently, he was erasing mortgage records... so that low-income families wouldn't lose their homes.

Great.

A "Soul Train" reject with a Robin Hood complex.

Now I've heard everything. Hey, hey, hey, now.

At least he got the job done.

That's the kind of man we need around here. The keyword being "man"?

Hold on. I didn't say that, you did.

Man-man.

The General's press conference is starting!

We interrupt this broadcast to take you live... to a press conference by General Warren Boutwell,... in which he is expected to announce... that he is a candidate for presidency of the United States.

I wonder if he'll run as a Democrat or an Independent.

Never know. Might be a Republican. Oh, please.

What kind of self-respecting black man would run as a Republican?

Name one thing the Republican party has done for black people. One!

Well, they were the party of Lincoln.

They stood against the tyranny of oppression... by leading the call for the Civil War,... and forced passage of the Emancipation Proclamation,... which freed the slaves.

All right, name two things lately.

Damn it, it doesn't matter what party!

This could be the first step on the road to putting... an African-American in the White House.

It's a great day for black people of all races.

Good morning. Think about it!

I've thought long and hard about how I can best serve my country... now that I'm no longer in uniform.

Well, today...

I am proud to announce... that I will be... opening a chain of fried chicken restaurants.

General Boutwell!

Yes, sir.

So, you're passing up a chance to be President... to open a chicken joint?

A man like me doesn't have any business in politics.

They say you should always do what you know.

And what I know is good fried chicken.

Yes, ma'am.

Don't you think your supporters in the African-American community... will be particularly disappointed?

Not after they taste the General's fried chicken.

Surrender, Colonel, here comes the General.

Will there be side dishes? Sweet potatoes...

Black-eyed peas, Mashed potatoes, macaroni... cornbread and the General's special... hot sauce!

That's all for today.

Thank you very much. Nice to see you all.

General, what about desert?

You know, he does have a point about that Colonel.

I never trusted the Colonel!

Slaves cooked that chicken! Ain't no white man know... about no 16 herbs and spices and giblets!

Smart Brother, if you so damn smart,...

Why don't you explain what just happened?

If I wanted to hear something stupid,...

I'd ask this skinny black ass! In your face!

Skinny black... Hey!

We got to find out exactly what happened to the General, and fast!

I'll get right on it. Whoa, hold on.

Not that fast. We need some new blood on this case.

What? Who? You can't just hire some fool off the streets.

Watch me. Get me Undercover Brother!

Ooh, too funky for myself.

You were the only man outside the palace.

I was outside. Jimmy!

But I wasn't the only one. Jim Kelly!

It is not possible. Watch out for the hand!

Gets you every time! Spinning back-kick!

I think I'll lay down... and get me a little bit of sleep.

Don't touch the hair!

Okay, Bruce Leroy, turn around.

Slowly.

If you gonna shoot me, shoot me.

Thank you, Jesus.

Dig it.

You that Sistah Girl from the bank, huh?

I guess you like what you saw earlier.

Look, baby, let's stop fooling around.

Your body's slammin', let's get to jammin'.

Excuse me?

Oh, nothing relaxes a brother after a hard day of going undercover... like a little piece of the cookie.

Goddamn. My cookie would break you in half.

Maybe, but that would be some long division.

Long.

You hit me pretty good, but I wasn't ready.

Now, any time you think you want to get feisty or throw down...

So, Sistah Girl,... if you're not here for Undercover Lover,... you must be here for Undercover Brother.

What, pray tell, can I do for you today?

Okay, we're here. Now be cool.

This place is top secret. Solid.

Man, you know you ain't right.

I'm gonna need my custom shears for this masterpiece.

Careful. Puncture him and the hot air's liable to kill you.

Take a seat. Don't mind if I do.

We're gonna hook you right up. Holy funkadelic!

This is some kind of secret organization you have here.

Look at all this hi-tech spy equipment.

You got clippers, you got T.C.B. activator.

I mean, your only competition must be the K.G.B.

Or the F.B.I.

Who the hell are you, woman? You're the Grim Reaper!

I don't want to go to hell!

I ain't never did nothing but good!

I swear to God I ain't done nothing wrong!

Oh, come on.

The flashing light and fan make the drop seem worse than it is.

I knew that.

Entering secure area.

Stand here.

Right here?

Blackness confirmed. You got soul.

What I'm about to show you few people have ever seen before.

Would Agent Jefferson please pick up the black courtesy phone?

Agents report to the ready room.

Agents report to the ready room.

Welcome to the Brotherhood.

Solid.

Yes, I know.

I really don't want to talk about this over the telephone.

Perhaps we could meet at a secret location?

Okay. No, that sounds great.

All right. Revolution. Take care.

"The revolution will not be televised."

This is Undercover Brother. Hey, how you doing?

Good morning!

Good morning? Get on the desk!

You brought a spy around me?!

Spy in the building!

Don't touch the 'fro. Back up off!

Back up off me! Let me tell you something about the word "good."

Good is an ancient Anglo-Saxon word.

Go-od, meaning the absence of color,... i.E... . "It's all good,"... which it is, or "Good Will Hunting,"... meaning, "I'm hunting niggas!"

So if you say "good morning" to me, you're saying, "I'm gonna kill your black ass first thing in the morning!"

Is that that damn Undercover Brother?! You in trouble.

Where the hell have you been?!

This is a job, not some kind of damn summer camp!

And I'm tired of you disrespecting me!

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your sorry ass!

Because I don't work for you?

Shut up!

Save your smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock!

Now get in my office!

Congratulations, Mr. Feather.

Thank you, Mister...

The Man.

As you can see, the General is totally under our control.

Yes, our little experiment was a success.

In fact, I've decided to use the General to launch "Operation Whitewash."

Fabulous. I'll inform Multinational to step up production.

The only thing standing in our way is the Brotherhood.

And they won't be a problem, will they, Feather?

No, sir.

Good.

Uh, will they, Feather?

New one from Britney...


What am I doing?!

And that's why we believe there's got to be... some connection between the General's announcement and The Man.

Come on, y'all. Y'all telling me there's really a Man?

What do you think, Undercover Brother?

If that is your real name.

You think things just happen by accident?

No! Sometimes people, mostly white people, make things happen.

That's where we come in... and our never ending struggle against The Man,... a.k.a. Whitey, a.k.a. Mr. Charlie, a.k.a. Honky McGee.

So, the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are really true?

The N.B.A. really instituted... the three-point shot to give white boys a chance?

Absolutely.

So the entertainment industry really is out to get Spike Lee.

Is that right? Come on, man!

Even Cher got an Oscar.

Cher-rr!

And O.J. really didn't do it?

Let's just move on, shall we?

Holy moly, looks like the Source Awards in here.

It does now.

Hurting. Who's that?

Oh, this is Lance, our intern.

Lance, this is Undercover Brother.

What's happening?

Whas-ssup?!

Okay, how did the white boy get a job here at the Brotherhood?

Shit. What can I tell you? Affirmative action.

What? Here we go.

Oh, boy. Open up the window.

It's getting all racial up in this piece.

Look here, Undercover Brother, now that you're working for us,... you're gonna need to memorize our rules and regulations.

Trim the hair, and for God's sake, get rid of the clothes.

Slow your roll, Chief. You know, I respect... what y'all are doing here at the Brotherhood,... but I'm a firm believer in everybody should do their own thang.

Okay, he should never do his own thang.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I said, "You'd better open the bank and give me my money."

Yeah? "It's my money.

I don't care whose bank it is!" Right.

I know whose money is in it. I'm keeping it real.

That's all I'm saying. Hi, Conspiracy Brother.

"Hi"? What you mean, "Hi"?

Like, "Hi, y'all want to be white?"

High, like the white man wants to keep us? Huh?

You don't smell no weed on me, did you?

Hey, brother, can I get a list... of the words that trigger these fits?

Man, you really need to relax.

Go see a movie. A movie?

A movie. Come on, man!

So I can fall in love with some cute black man... that teaches white people everything they know about the shrimp industry... before they kill him 30 minutes into the movie?

"Hey, why don't you walk down that tunnel, black man?

Hey, black man, turn on the generator.

This dinosaur is out there. Hey, black man, look out.

He's got a gun!"

Oh! I'm hit!

But my vest caught it, bitch!

Yes, I'm alive!

I told you to keep your finger off the trigger of that thing!

I'm cool, everybody.

Undercover Brother, please. Go on back to work.

Sorry about all that. I shit on myself!

I have a couple of things for you.

Here are your shoes. I took the liberty of making a few modifications.

And now, am I correct in assuming that the Cadillac... that was double-parked in the parking lot belongs to you?

Smart Brother, that is not just a Caddy.

That is a Cadillac Coupe DeVille.

Y'all don't give a shit about me! I need a sponge bath.

That's an orange soda dispenser.

And a crossover amp and subwoofer for your eight-track.

Ah, man. Smart Brother, you's a bad mother...

Shut your mouth!

Enjoy, huh?

All right.

Big car, big hair, big necklace.

Someone is clearly overcompensating.

First of all, you forgot about my big, black, fuzzy balls.

And secondly, this is not a necklace,... it's a medallion given to me by my father... so I never forget who I am or what I stand for.

I don't need no gold. Don't need no jewels.

The medallion keeps me cool. You dig?

Sistah Girl, Undercover Brother, come in.

What it is, Chief?

We've just discovered that the General is playing golf... with some of Multinational's head honchos.

Now, you get yo ass down there and see what you can find out!

And by the way, Undercover Screw Up,... don't let me catch your black ass in the news again.

You hear me?! I want you to blend in!

Chiefie, baby, I'm a master of disguises.

I can blend in like a good weave.

Say, where's that caddy? I don't know.

Oh, there he is.

Jah mon, rasta.

Nice shot.

Sistah Girl, the camera's up.

Would anyone like some fried chicken?

Mr. Feather.

Undercover Brother?

We're definitely on the right track.

That's the number one flunkey of The Man.

I'm gonna report to the Chief, find out what he wants to do.

That cat'll be long gone by that time.

This thing's going down now, baby.

This is strictly an observational mission.

We are not authorized to take action.

Well, observe this.

Action is what Undercover Brother's all about.

Hmm. Rasta man.

Oh, the mind control formula is complete.

Who's there? Kung!

Kung who?

Kung fool!

Ow, my wrist.

Help! Thief! There's a thief here!

What the hell is your problem? Give me back my things!

Thief! Hey, give me that back!

Hold it!

Holy Motown.

Come on. You don't want to mess with me, man!

I had 'em, baby. Yeah, I saw.

Come on, let's go!

Come on!

Stop where you are! This is security!

Do not move! Quick! This way!

Aw, hell, they moved.

Do it. Code 37.

Is he crazy? Okay, slow down!

Slow, slow, slow.

Hey, slow down over there, people!

Hold the wheel, baby.

No! No! Oh, no!

Oh, jeez! Too fast!

Losing control!


There's got to be another way out of here. Hold it!

Thanks for the lift.

A spectral analysis has ironically confirmed traces of poultry on Mr. Feather.

This proves that The Man must be behind...

Multinational Inc. 's deal with the General.

I don't get it. What does The Man got to do with fried chicken?

Is that his big plan, to get black people to eat junk food?

Open your eyes, Undercover Brother!

This has to do with discrediting the General.

That is the white man's tactic.

He don't want no black President.

You've seen it all through history.

They never give black men credit.

Jesus Christ... black man.

Babe Ruth... black man.

Madonna!

Sleeps with black men.

Think about it.

So the General sold out to The Man.

I don't think it's that simple.

When you're dealing with The Man, it never is.

Our only choice here is to infiltrate Multinational Inc.

Then we can find out what happened to the General.

It'll be a very dangerous assignment.

It'll be your most vigorous training yet.

You're gonna have to think and act... just like a tight-butt white man with a 401K plan... and a country club membership.

So pay attention.

Here... have a bite of this... sandwich.

How did you know I was hungry?

I ain't eat nothing this morning.

You trying to kill me? If you're going to pass in white America,... you are going to have to learn to like mayonnaise!

No! Listen... if you're ever forced to eat this mayonnaise,... simply press the button on this side of the watch.

It delivers a rather liberal spritzing of hot sauce.

One blast should be enough to make Caucasian food edible.

Well, it works on grits.

Now, since time is of the essence,...

I developed a device that allows you... to absorb the whole of white culture... in mere seconds using subliminal imagery.

I call it... Caucasiavision.

Hey, I feel like George Clinton.

Turn it on.

No!

Make it stop! Make it stop!

Don't you give up on me!

I see white people. It's too much!

Too much! Caucasian overload!

Caucasian overload. Breathe.

Caucasian overload! Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.

That's too much white for one brother to take.

You did good.

We need to make sure the process worked,... so I called in an expert on white culture.

"In season three of 'Friends',...

what object of Julia's did Ross see on his bedside table... the night he kissed Rachel?"

Her saline solution.

He's ready.

Hi, there.

How are you doing?

What do you say there?

Howdy. May I help you?

I sincerely hope so.

Today's my first day at Multinational.

Oh, my. Jackson.

Anton Jackson.

And no, not one of the Jackson Five.

Here we go. You're in suite 54. Tobacco division.

We need some fresh, hip strategies to expand our market share.

As it turns out, I have just the product.

Here's one of your cigarettes.

Take a good look at it.

It's pale, small, a little on the limp side.

It's basically inadequate.

It can't possibly give much pleasure to the user.

It sure can't. I mean, ask yourselves,... how many black people are gonna want to smoke this?

Not the one I know. You have to effectively position... your product within the black consumer.

May I present to you The Fatty?

Hmm? It's got that hand-rolled look and feel... that's so popular with today's black youth.

It's big. It's full of long-lasting pleasure...

To be enjoyed again...

I could use a smoke.

Yeah? Good.

It's time to say goodbye to Anton Jackson...

and say what it is to Undercover Brother.

Now, that's a long way down.


Come in, Brotherhood. Are you digging me?

Undercover Brother.

I'll transmit some computer files about the General.

See what you can do with it. Right on.

The chief wants you to stay undercover until we decode this information.

I can dig it. But be careful.

If they're onto you, they might set up a trap.

I know this is the wrong time,... but I wanted to let you know, I'm thinking about you, girl.

I'm bouncin'. Shakin' a spot.

Gone. Bye.

Bye.

Mr. Elias, there's been a breach!

That afro!

I'd recognize it anywhere.

The Brotherhood is making their move.

Just as I expected.

It's time to release our secret weapon.

I call it...

Black Man's kryptonite.

How's it going there?

What the hell?

Oh, dear.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

My gosh.

Look at this mess. Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry. Let me help you.

Jeez, that's sweet of you.

If I mess up my boss' report,... he's gonna have a conniption with a capital K.

Penelope Snow.

Anton Jackson.

I'm so sorry. Here.

Thanks, Anton. You're so sweet.

And cute, too. In a Theo Huxtable kind of way.

Are you new here?

Yeah, it's my first day. Mine too.

Really? Yeah, I just moved here... bringing nothing by my hopes and my dreams.

But sometimes the big city can be so...

...big.

A girl needs friends, Anton.

Would you like to be my friend?


I didn't know you had such a beautiful voice.

You know, you and I have tons in common.

I know what it feels like to be discriminated against.

I mean, just because a girl has a healthy sexual appetite,... doesn't mean she can't do her job.

They look at you... and all they see is a threatening black man.

And they look at me, and all they see... are my full breasts and my narrow waist... that tapers to my pert backside.

It's just not fair.

Here you go, folks. Yum.

And here's the extra mayonnaise you ordered. Yum, yum.

Enjoy. This is the best stuff.

Have you eaten here before, Anton?

No, I haven't. It's my first time.

Oh, take a bite of my sandwich.

Come on, Anton.

Just one little bite.

Scrumptious.

Oh, Anton, I can't wait to see you in these corduroys.

You're gonna make me blush.

And you might not see it!

May I help you, sir?

Hello, fellow person of color.

How's it going today?

What's going down? What are you doing with that girl?

What girl? That girl!

Oh, the white woman.

I'm undercover.

When you go undercover, you have to do things you wouldn't normally do.

No matter how difficult, how dangerous, how good it might have felt.

Like having sex with white girls?

Damn it, woman, would you just back off?!

Attention angry black man in khakis.

Golly, I must have tripped or something.

Hi, Ton-ja.

Listen...

I was wondering, do you have any dickies?

'Cause I couldn't find them.

Really?

Perhaps we're all sold out.

Aw, that's too bad.

Come on, Anton.

I saw a mock turtleneck at Eddie Bauer that's perfect for you.

Thanks for all your help. Bye-bye, Ton-ja.

Bye-bye.

And action!

I want you... to buy my new fried chicken, that is.

Sure enough.

I used to work for the Pentagon,... now I help you to get your chicken on.

And for a limited time only,... order an eight-piece Nappy Meal,... and get a 32-ounce malt liquor absolutely free.

Lord have mercy.

Introducing the Nappy Meal from G.F.C.

This chicken is the bomb.

At the General's, we do chicken right-on!

Will you look at that?

The General's lost his damn mind.

He's making a fool out of himself over this crap.

What? It's catchy.

Reminds me of the Fresh Prince.

I like him. He raps happy.

Excuse me, sir. This is a restricted... good God!

Heya, Chiefster. Lance. Nice pants.

Undercover Brother? Undercover Brother?

What happened to you? He had sex with a white girl, that's what!

Was it everything I dreamed of? It was good.

She had pink nipples? Big ones.

Yeah, big ones. Yeah.

Her carpet matched her drapes? Excuse me?

No, man. You can't be doing that. What were you doing?

White girl or no white girl, where the hell have you been?

Not there, 'cause that's where people who swear go. Thank you very much.

You sound like a 14-year-old white chick.

I don't think so, Sister Girl.

It's Sistah Girl, dude.

Maybe on Planet Ebonics. But where I come from,... we like to pronounce our E's and our R's,... thank you very much.

E's and R's?

Ebonics, huh? I be thinking... that somebody in this room is selling out.

I say we kill him. Shut the door, nigga.

Shh, it's gonna be all right, baby. Don't look!

I'm sorry, dawg, but you need... Hey, buddy,... if I hadn't read that article in Vanity Fair on anger management,...

I'd put away this guava- mango-broccoli smoothie...

And put my foot in your patootie. Patootie?

Now maybe you guys don't like the new me,... but I don't give a gosh darn.

For all I care,... you can all get the beejeebies out of here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be going.

"Frasier" is on.

"Frasier"?

Beejeebies?

He said he would stick his foot... up my so-called "patootie." Damn it.

I knew this could happen.

You can only keep an agent undercover for so long... before he loses his identity.

Hell, no man can resist low interest loans... and non-fat lattes forever.

And white women.

So wait, let me get this straight.

Whenever a black guy does well,... starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records,... and sleeps with a white chick, you automatically say he's sold out?

That's enough!

Always trying to shut the white man down.

That's right! That's right!

Oh, that ain't right. What's the word?

I was able to decode the data from Multinational Inc.

The General is under the influence of a psycho- hallucinogenic drug.

It's a mind control drug, sir. Very powerful.

Very easy to use.

Good Lord.

With something like that, The Man could control every black person in America.

Theoretically, yes, but it would take years to administer the doses individually.

To be efficient, you'd need to develop a huge distribution system.

The chicken!

I hate to say it,... if Undercover Brother don't get his shit together,... this may be one battle we might lose to The Man.

Smart Brother, am I gonna die?

Honey? Yeah?

Is this Michael Bolton's version of that thong song?

No, but I want that one.

I hear he got all the funk that Sisqo missed.

Do you like this?

You know, usually I'm not into the heavy stuff,... but this is kinda catchy.

It is, isn't it? Yeah.

I made us some sandwiches. Extra mayo for me, please.

Freeze, sucka!

Put down the mayonnaise... slowly.

It's that colored girl, Ton-ja.

Now, Buffy the Black Man Slayer, step away from the brotha.

Bye, brother. Come on.

Bye. Move it.

Be careful. Let's go.

Why? So you can tell me what a sellout I am again?

Oh, I don't judge people by how they dress,... or what music they listen to.

But I remember a brother who wasn't afraid to be himself,... who taught me to follow my own funky path,... stand up for what I think is right.

Remember this?

Ignore her, Anton.

I'm all the single white female you'll ever need.

I want to. Really, I do.

All day, but I can't.

I must be true to myself.

Look at that white girl. Are you crazy?

The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

Corduroys are so comfortable.

Got to get funky.

I can't throw this away.

'Cause like this medallion... this brother's here to stay.

What's up, Sistah Girl? Look at you!

What took you so long?

You don't think the heels are too much? No, it's funktabulous.

'Cause I was gonna go... Hold it right there...

Undercover Brother. Drop it!

This woman just can't get... I meant the gun.

That's White She-Devil, The Man's secret weapon.

Sorry.

It's time to... platform out of here.

Damn duck shoes.

Looks like we're in hot water.

Or hot sauce.

Come on! Come on.

Come on. It's not fair.

'N Sync!

Backstreet Boys!

And Boyz II Men! We really sing!

Elton John! Billie Jean King!

Come on, White She-Devil. I been waiting.

Come on, baby. Come on!


No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Bitch!

You know how much this shit cost?

How much did this shit cost, you disco queen?!

All of this! How dare you!

Touch it. Now looky here.

Toast to the booty! Booty toast.

Wait! Look at that.

The water's cold. Water cold!

Nothin' like safe sex, you know what I'm saying?

Look at that. Look at that there.

Bitch!

You enjoy yourself?


Would you stop fooling around?

Got to get my cool back!

Can you play something funky for a brother to drive to?

Drive! Drive this thing!

Baby, it was made in the '70s.

This ain't no Ferrari.

Damn. Look out, baby.


You should have run her narrow ass over.

So, this has all been some kind of jive game... to get me out of the way? That's right.

I was sent to destroy you... and everything the Brotherhood stands for.

Damn it.

Falling in love with you wasn't part of the plan.

Oh, Undercover Brother, you're too much man for me.

Baby... sometimes I'm too much man for my own damn self.

Mr. Feather, your status report, please.

All the pieces of Operation Whitewash are in place.

Good. It's time to extend the reach... to black leaders in sports, the arts, entertainment and business.

Soon all aspects of society... will once again be dominated by The Man.

It's time to strike the final blow against the Brotherhood.

So, when I return to the lair, Undercover Brother better be dead.

Are we clear? Very good, sir.

With Undercover Brother dead, the Brotherhood had best step correct,... or their next move will be their last.

Goodbye.

Can I ask you something?

Did I just say, "They had best step correct"?

Yes, sir. You did.

You see what's happening?

You see how we're being corrupted by their... hip-and-now fashion, and their cool slang... you can't help but use. "Don't be dissing me!"

No! "It's all that!"

You go, girl! What's the dillio?

Who let the dogs out?

Whatcha talk about, Willis?

You know what I'm saying?!

Little by little we're blending and merging until one day... we're all going to be one united people... living and working and dancing together,... like the news or "Ally McBeal," or the people that work at Saturn!

And we've got to stop it before it's too late!

You heard The Man. As of now, Operation Whitewash goes global.

Jay-Z is doing Lawrence Welk's Greatest Hits?!

John Singleton to remake "Driving Miss Daisy"?!

Terry McMillan? "How Stella Got Her White Man Back"?

Double damn it!

Black people all over the world are losing their damn minds.

And look... they've all been exposed to the General's fried chicken.

Smart Brother, how's it coming with this antidote?

I found one. But it only works on one person at a time.

We have to stop this thing at the source.

Undercover Brother, you're back!

Hell's wrong with you bringing a white girl in my house?

She's working with us now, Chief.

With my extensive and intimate knowledge of The Man's organization,...

I can help you stop his evil plan.

Okay.

Smart Brother, take White She-Devil to the lab... and find out exactly what she knows.

You know, you're cute in a Theo Huxtable kind of way.

Really? Usually I get Al Roker.

"Here's what's happening in your neck of the woods."

Chief, various brother agents, I owe all of you a huge apology.

I just watched this show...

"Roots"? Maybe you've heard of it?

It taught me such a profound lesson about bigotry.

I have sat on the sidelines of race relations long enough.

I want to march down that field of oppression... and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance.

Son, you talk a lot of shit. Yes, I do.

But you down.

What? Are you kidding?

You're going to let the white boy join just like that?

I was in secret agent school for three years!

Three years. I paid for them classes myself.

You made me. Chief. Chief.

I performed a full range spectral analysis... on Miss White She-Devil's brain waves.

Then, I unlocked her subconscious using a special form of hypnosis.

Then, I gently brushed her hair.

Then, I reached deep within... her tight little pockets and I found a list of The Man's targets.

Good Lord.

They're going after James Brown tomorrow night at the Grammys.

We need to stop him. Find the General and give him the antidote.

That's right. It's goin' to the streets. Hey, y'all!

It's revolution up in this bitch!

Set the alarm to def-con five!

It's on, baby. It's on.

Good work, White She-Devil. Thanks.

Oh, you in too. What the fuck?! Chief!

I never see that bitch in my secret agent classes!

I'm still paying the loans off, man!

I sleep on a pissy mattress.

I ain't got good food to eat!

I borrow money for my weed!

I quit. That's it.

Y'all don't got Conspiracy Brother Jones to kick around anymore!

Give me a pillow case! I'm joining the Klan.

Brother, we all love your solo enthusiasm,... but this is about working together.

Now, I've been a solo star shooting the shots... that I thought would win the game.

But in workin' with y'all, I've come to realize... that only a team wins a championship.

Teamwork! That's right.

That's right. I'm sorry, everybody.

Teamwork! Now, let's go!

Hustle, hustle! Come on, white girl!

Best of luck tonight.

Have a great time.

We know The Man plans to make his move tonight.

Now, Lance, we're counting on you.

Don't get distracted, be focused.

Stick close to the target at all times.

Roger. Will do.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Brown.

How you doing? James Brown.

I want to see my fans. No, it's okay.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

Perimeter search. I'm on it.

What is that boy doing?

What's going on here? Hey, Jimmy.

What?

Now, I feel good.

God, man!

Lance. Lance!

The hardest working man in show business.

Go get him.

Thank you, James Brown.

No! Hey! I just got promoted!

Hello, Mr. James Brown.

Hello-ooo, Mr. James Brown.

Good God!

You will soon be administered a drug that will make you...

The signal's stopped.

It's James Brown touchdown!

That's James Brown? That's mustard.

I can't believe I let him get away. I am so stupid.

You got to stop beating yourself up.

We got to work together as a team, okay?

Yeah, man. Let the team do it.

I'm playin' with him.

Stop playin'.

Damn.

You need to lighten up.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Just be careful with this. If you smoke too much,... it's going to have you all paranoid and shit.

It takes time to build up a tolerance like mine...

What? Did you hear that?

Hey, y'all, did you hear something?

Shh, quiet! There it goes again.

Incoming vehicle!

Don't you move! Hold it!

Don't you move!

Identify yourself! I'm with Island Fortress Cleaning Service, sir.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

You so sweet. Just the janitors.

Let 'em through!


Lance. Lance!

So, Mr. Godfather of Soul...

life as you've known it will soon cease to exist.

Sorry.

Any final requests?

Say it loud.

Say it loud!

What's he doing?

Say it loud!

Say it loud!

Say it loud!

Say it loud! I'm black and I'm proud!

Hey, man, I want to get up and do my thing now.

I feel good.

It's time for the big payback.

Very clever, Mr. Undercover Brother.

Can you dig it?

Everything we'll need to take it to The Man.

Hey, this isn't Taco Bell.

Can you find out where the General is?

Just give me 10 minutes.

You've got one.

Intruders!

The Brotherhood has breached the communications room!

Everything's a party over here with you people, isn't it?

That's not all. The Man is on his way here.

What? Now?

His helicopter will be here in five minutes.

Mr. Elias, would you kindly take care... of the nuisance in the communication room?

Yes, sir. Come on, let's go!

Yes, sir. Right away.

What have you done with the General? General?

Could you come in here, please?

General, if it's not too much of a bother,... would you mind terribly, killing this man?

Thank you.

So I can always have something to remember you by.

Come on, hurry up.

I wouldn't move if I were you.

Damn! Oh, shit.

Get off of me. Sorry.

Excellent work, White She-Devil.

Come here, baby.

Damn, that girl gets around.

How can you do this to me?

Once you've had Undercover Brother, there is no other.

No, it's once you go black, you don't go back.

It's the honky patrol.

Let me do this.

Ah, look who got the gun now.

Yeah. What's up?! Hi.

Shut up! What?

I said shut up, whitey! I got the power.

Keep working.

This is a girl thing.

Breakdance. Break, what?

I said, breakdance. Come on.

Take it!

That's right. That's good.

Come on. Kid 'n Play.

Kid and who? Come on.

That's right. Getting funky.

Oh, yeah.

I like black people.

Oh, fight.

Watch yourself. Show 'em what you're working with.

White She-Devil, represent!

I got him.

I got him! Vector four, section seven.

Come on, General, you got to give me that gun.

Nonsense! General, kill him!

Undercover Brother, are you okay?

Everything's cool now that you're here.

Y'all gonna make me lose my mind up in here!

See what I've been dealing with?

Yeah.

Situation complete. We'll see you soon, Chief.

Atomic core, eh?

Let's see what this so-called button does.

Attention, atomic core set to overload.

My bad.

Here, General, take the antidote.

Oh, what happened to me?

Damn!

You guys get the General out of here. I'm going after The Man.

Let's get while the getting's good.

There'll be another day to fight The Man.

We can't give The Man another damn day!

But Sistah Girl's right. We got to get the hell out of here, man.

We're gonna die! We're all gonna die!

Dig it! Dig it hard! Daddy!

There's times for falling apart, and there's times for getting funky.

This is one of those funky times!

So, what's it going to be?!

Are you ready to play some funky music, white boy?

Solid.

Lay down the boogie.

It's time to take it to The Man.

I guess this means you and I are like brothers now, huh?

I feel black.

Man, you look white!

Don't touch me!

Come on, General. Let's go.

Let's go! Let's get out of here!

Come on! Go. Come on, nigga.

Atomic core overload in five minutes.

Please exit in an orderly fashion.

Stop him!

Earth, wind and fire!

Shaquille O'Neal!

Sisqo! No-ooo!

I just bought those.

Sorry about that.

It's all over, man!

You want some drama?

Then bring it.

Lance, protect the General at all costs.

Atomic core overload in three minutes.

Let me talk to them. I'm white.

We don't want any trouble.

What are you going to do about it?

Sissy.

I am not a sissy!

Come on!

Lance.

He shouldn't have called me a sissy.

Not bad, whitey.

But if it was me, I would have ripped his spine out of his ass!

Let's go! We got less than a minute before this place blows!


General, sir, are you all right? Yes.

There he is! Undercover Brother!

He's only got a few seconds!


You mess with the 'fro, you got to go.


I believe this belongs to me.

So long, Undercover Brother.

He's failed me.

Leave him.

Hey! Don't be dissing me!

Hey! Let me in!

Let me up!

That Feather went out like a sucka.

Punk ass bitch played himself.

Let's bounce, dawg.


No! He doesn't have his parachute!


Come on over here. Hug me.

Undercover Brother, you the baddest.

Didn't I blow your mind this time?

Didn't I?

Didn't you cause about a bazillion dollars worth of damage?

And I sure as hell ain't covering for you!

I don't give a damn how sexy you look... floating down in your little pants!

And as for the rest of you...

I just want to say... how very proud I am of all of you.

Undercover Brother, the world is safe once again thanks to you.

No thanks to me, Chief.

I couldn't have done it without Sistah Girl.

You know what they say, "Behind every great black man..."

Is the police.

A bunch of slow white athletes?

No. A cute butt?

Probable cause? No!

A strong black woman.

Strong black woman. That's right.

Oh, yeah.

It would've been cool to have a Latino, a Native American, Asian,... even a Jewish guy in the mix.

The point is, by working together as one, we got the job done.

No doubt, that's what the Brotherhood is all about.

Solid.

Look out, y'all, fallin' rocks!

Shotgun!

Having stopped Operation Whitewash,... the Brotherhood distributed an antidote to the mind control drug... to black people nationwide.

And though The Man escaped,... the Brotherhood had found their hero.

Thanks to Undercover Brother,... the world was once again a funky place.


Damn, who is that?

Hold that thought and that feelin', baby.

Just let it percolate. I'll be right back.

Hurry up, baby.

Hi.

Uh, White She-Devil, what you doing here?

Remember? You told me to come over.

And me and you and Sistah Girl could make Oreos.

Sweet and black on both sides... with a dreamy white filling in the middle.

Then I realized... you can't make Oreos.

So, I bought some.

Some people got jungle fever. She got the flu.

You know. U.B.!


Solid.