Undercover Grandpa (2017) Script

♪ Yeah, feel me ♪

♪ Yo, come on ♪

♪ It's your homeboy Preach in the building ♪

♪ And we vibing ♪

♪ And we having a real good time ♪

♪ Sing for me, girl ♪ WOMAN: ♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Ain't gonna worry today ♪

♪ Let the sun shine on my smile ♪

♪ Hope you can come my way ♪

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Ain't gonna worry today ♪

♪ Let the sun shine on my smile ♪

♪ Hope you can come my way ♪ MAN: ♪ OK, yeah ♪

♪ You and I, we could rule the work! ♪

♪ Spend the most paper Kiss all of the pretty girls ♪

♪ It takes belief in your one self ♪

♪ That's more powerful than anything ♪

♪ You pullout your one belt ♪ Hi! Bye! Super late.

Wait! I forgot to make you lunch.

No, I have history! I gotta get a good seal.

You want history. Check this out!

Ontario, where General Vladekh Komenkho was caught hiding in what appears to be pigs manure.

Oh, that's gross!

World's most feared tyrant, in his day, as was his father.

General Komenkho vanished a decade ago during a global initiative to end his reign of terror.

OK, gotta go! No, no! Lunch!

Mom, you gotta slop doing this, OK?

I'm not a kid. You're smothering me!

Ta-la-la, la-la!

Don't forget to wear your helmet!

Yeah, yeah! Don't worry!

♪ Let the sun shine on my smile ♪

♪ Hope you can come my way ♪

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Ain't gonna worry today ♪

♪ Let the sun shine on my smile ♪

♪ Hope you can come my way ♪ The 3rd Canadian Division had penetrated deeper into France than the British or American troops and overcome greater resistance than any other beachhead.

Except Omaha Beach.

Now turn to page 69.

(WHISPERING): This is crossing into creepy territory, Jake.


Oh, that's good! I gotta get that.

Let me know when you start collecting her fingernails and used tissues.


So, instead of learning.

Mr. Bouchard would rather draw pretty pictures of fair damsels.


Mr. Bouchard, me thinks you would be better served taking notes than sketching portraits.

(WHISPERING): Me thinks old people should be seen and not heard.


Mr. Bernstein? Sir, yes, sir!


I asked my mom to give me a note to skip this class.

But; "No! Exercise is good for you!

"It'll help build your muscles."

What muscles?

I have the muscles of a guy who spent too much time...

Whoa! 63.8 miles per hour!

New high school record!

Hello! Earth to Jake!

Why don't you just put us both out of our misery and ask Angie out?

Ask her out? What are you, nuts?

I grew up with her. I've known her since I was 4.

Even better!

It'd be like dating your own sister.

In not a creepy-dating-your- own-sister kind of way.

What? No! Forget it. I...


I haven't talked to her in years.

She won't even... notice me.

You can start by developing a personality.

I have a personality.

"Moody loner" is a red flag, not a personality.

Shut up!

Craig's throwing this huge party tonight!

Ask her to go with you.


No, I can't.

Why not?


That is why not.

Todd Tomzak. You guys ready?

You ever see that guy play football?

He's like a human killer machine.

"Human Killer Machine"?

That's a good name for a band.

♪ You've been blackmailed ♪ You see that?

She cold-shouldered Todd!

♪ You tried to be a superstar ♪

♪ Didn't work You went way too far ♪

♪ Next time, listen to me ♪ Jake?

Hey, Angie!

Oh, no, no, no! Please, keep it!

I'm not really hungry, so...

Um. So. Earlier. In Sterning's class.

That was me, right, in the... that picture?

Uh... You know what?

It's funny that you act-ask me that, actually, because, um...



Um. Can I see it?

Yeah, yeah! Uh, sorry. Um...

Um, here.


Wow! This is, um... This is really good.

You think so?

Yeah. Can I keep this?

Yeah, sure. Totally!

Uh... You really like that?

Well, I mean, it's... It's no Picasso, but...

Well, that's because all of your body parts are in the right place, or so I assume.

Uh... Um...


Uh, speaking of body pans being in their right place, you probably shouldn't tell Todd where you got that.

Todd? Oh, we broke up. Like, 2 weeks ago.

Does he know that?

Just because on the field earlier, he seemed really...

Oh, um, yeah, you know. He's been trying to get me back, but I'm not interested.

Really? Really...


Angie, you know, uh, Craig is having this big party tonight.

And I know this is really late notice, and I'm sure you have plans with your peeps.

'Cause you probably have peeps.

But I was wondering if...

Are you asking me out on a dale?

You're right. That was a stupid idea.

Shouldn't have done it. Why ruin our friendship, right?

I mean, we haven't really been friends since we were 4 years old.

You're right.

But something like this could ruin it for, like, another 13 years, so, I...

Um, how about you. Uh, pick me up? 8:00?

Wha... Really?

Yeah, 8:00. Does that work for you?

Yeah. 8:00 is good. 8:00 works.

OK. I Will see you at 8:00.


Um, Picasso, you are cute when you're confident.

Uh... Confident. Got it!


So, how did it go? Did she reject you?

What? I... She said yes, man.

I mean... You're kidding!

♪ I'm headed up ♪

♪ Hit it up Hit it up ♪

♪ Hit it up Hit it up ♪

♪ Hit it up Hit it up, up ♪

♪ I'm headed up ♪

♪ Live it up Live it ♪

♪ Live it up Live it up ♪

(MAN ON TV): I have brought peace to a nation that was racked by civil war.

What can you about the thousands of civilians that you had executed?

It is a lie. That is a lie! All of that is a lie!

AH of you, that is a He!

Your accusations... Ah! Uh...

Mr. Komenkho, are you all right?

» It's a heart attack!

Jakey, is that you? Yeah, it's me!

It looks like Ge-

I've been home for an hour! Where have you been?

Sorry, I was getting ready. What do you think?

Very handsome. Thank you for remembering.

Remembering what? About tonight.


What are you talking about?

Second and last Friday of every month: dinner with Grandpa.

No. No, no, no. Not tonight.

Why not tonight? I have a date tonight.

You can see Wendell another time.

It's not with Wendell. It's with a girl!

Please don't laugh. Sorry.

Seriously. Who's it with?

You know her. Angie Wagner.

Little Angie Wagner? How is she?

She's a hard 10. That's how she is.

And I'm like a soft 6.


If I blow her off. She'll never talk to me.

Grandpa only gels out of that awful old-folks home twice a month for dinner with us.

We can do it tomorrow night. Any other night. Please!

No, no, no! Twice a month. No canceling.

Old people need consistency. Otherwise they get confused.

He's already confused. He thinks he's being watched.

Being in the armed forces has made Grandpa a little...

Crazy? Jake Bouchard!

You can see little Angie Wagner afterwards.

Your dad's here with Grandpa.

Yay! Be nice.

So, what tall tales is Grandpa gonna tell us tonight, huh?

Nazi zombies? Communist garden gnomes?

They were suspicious-looking garden gnomes.

Yeah, 'cause in this house. That's totally normal.

Hey, Dad, what's Grandpa doing?

Oh, you know, there is a van parked by the Grossbergs, and he won't get out of the car because he thinks it's a surveillance van.

Are the Grossbergs having a circumcision?

Jake, cover the TV, oh, and the... the... the blinds.

Blinds. Blinds.

(WHISPERING): I can't Believe we still do this.

The televisions are covered? They sure are!

The one in the kitchen too? Yep!


That, uh, surveillance truck finally moved.

Yeah, of course, Dad.

Hi. Son!


Let's eat. Let's do it!


(SLOWLY): Are you enjoying your chicken, Dad?



Did I ever tell you that Sanders, right.

He was the worst cook our unit had.

You knew Colonel Sanders, Grandpa?

Are you kidding?

You know, during the Second Occupation of Cuba, Private Sanders, he used to shovel mule poop, right?

So, there was no, "Finger lickin' good," you know?

Trust me!

And, um, basically. I kind of invented the style of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Hmm! Here we go...

Me and my men...

Not my men. A special unit I had.

We called them Devil's Scum, right?

We decided we were gonna ambush this supply truck.

It was right off the coast of, uh, Cuba.

It was right off the shores there.

So, we go hi! It. Right? Nothing in it.

But the cab was full of chickens.

We're starving to death, right?

So, I tell Sanders; "Hey, get that spice rack!"

I said: "Throw them in there," right?

So 13 spices and, uh, herbs later.

History was being cooked!

JAKE: Hmm...

You know, on the box here.

It says 11 secret herbs and spices.

Jake... No, he is correct.

Sanders took out one herb and one spice, so that's 11.

And that's why I don't get one royalty out of the whole deal.

You know what?

Can we spend a little more time eating and a little less time in fantasy land?

Jake Michael Bouchard! Shh!


I'm sorry, Dad.

Jake's anxious because he has a dale tonight.

Oh. Really?

Like, with a girl, or...

Why is that so...

Hatch yourself a little hot chick?

Yes, actually.

Anxious to get out... Mom!

Dad... OK. All right.

Listen. You have some protection?

' Mom! Dad!

What the heck! What's the matter?

What? Are you ashamed?

Is there something to be ashamed about that?


JAKE'S MOM: Well, that was awful.

Mom, he's nuts!

He lives in a fantasy world, and you guys...

He's doing it again!

He thinks the house is full of microphones.

He's pulling XS all over the wall. It looks awful!

I expect you to offer him a full apology when you drive him to the nursing home.

Drive him? No. I'm not doing that.

I gotta take Angie!

Your dad and I are going to the airport.

I still have a million things to pack.

He's gonna ruin my dale before it even starts!

You're the only one who can do it.

And you know your grandpa won't take a taxi.


Could we FedEx him?

Look, Angie. I am so sorry.

I had no idea this was happening tonight.

It's fine.

It's nice that you and your grandpa are close.

Are you sure you're OK to get to the party?

Yes, totally! It's fine. I'll meet you there.

OK, great! Hey, try not to have too much fun without me.

OK. Well. No promises. Picasso.

OK, bye.


Hey, Grandpa, I just wanted to, um, apologize for what happened at dinner.

Tonight means a lot to me, and I, uh...

I didn't mean to dis you... Disrespect you.


We getting hi! Or something?


Hey, Picasso! Guess what? My ride died on me.

It's leaking oil or something.

Yeah? Are you, uh, you OK?

Uh, yeah. I took a shortcut and ended up on Rambler Street, right in front of the old abandoned sock factory, so...

Not the best neighbourhood to be stuck in.

Can you, uh, pick me up?

Um... You know what?

I actually still have to drop my grandfather off.

Could you give me. Like, uh, 30 minutes?

I can call Todd. He's got a full set of tools.

No! No, no, no! No, no, no!

I'll, uh... I'll be there.

Just, um... Just don't move.


Ah, that's my boy! Battle of the Bulge, huh?

Mmm... OK. You know what, Grandpa?

When Angie gels in the car.

I need you to just not talk. OK?

I just need you to be my normal grandfather, like everybody else's normal grandfather.

Just for, like. A few minutes. Please.


Grandpa, do you hear me?

Uh, yeah, normal, uh... normal grandfather.

International reaction to Krakhovian warlord Vladekh Komenkho's sudden death is mixed.

French president Jacques Dum...

Komenkho, man. I knew his father.

He was a terrible dresser. Man.

But he had some nice teeth, but, you know...

This is where she said she was.

You sure about that? Yeah.

Yeah, there's the old sock factory.

OK, let me call her.



What are you...




This her phone?

Yeah, it is.

Hmm... She must have called the Auto Club.

And then dropped it somehow when they picked her up.


Yeah, here.

Hmm. Perfume...

(SNIFFING) gasoline...

(SNIFFING) and manure.

What does manure have to do with finding...

What are you doing?

Looking for footprints.

Ah, there's more than one of them too.

That's not good.

What is that stuff?

It's called luminol, kid.

Hey! Hey, where are you going?



Over here!

Crazy old man.

Hey! What are you doing?

You can't just wander off like that, all right?

What are these lire tracks doing here?

Who cares?

These are Goodyear EV330s.

Issued to government vehicles only!

The same ones were on the ambulance and the SUV that passed us earlier.

OK. So, they're EV 30... whatever's. Can we go now?

I think your girlfriend got herself mixed up in something really bad.

For the last time, Grandpa... Really bad.

She's not my girlfriend.

And if I don't get to that party, she never will be, OK?


What are you doing? Calling Wendell.

He's at the party. He's gonna tell me that Angie is there.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute.

I'll tell you what:

If she is at the party, you take me to the home. Feed me a tuna-fish sandwich.

Pa! Me on the head. And we're done!

If she's not there. We do things my way.



Not fine, "deal."




Wendell! Are you at the party? Is Angie there?

No, she isn't. Craig's folks didn't leave town.

Party's cancelled.

What, are you serious? Wha...

Do you... do you know where she could be?

I've got more important things to do than survey the whereabouts of your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend, man, OK?

I'll (ilk to you later.


Let's go!

Where are we? And what are we doing here?

It's an underground arms dealer.

These guys may help us figure out where they took your girlfriend.

Yep, whatever you say, Grandpa.

You know what this is?

This is a spent shell from a Tokarev automatic handgun.

Where'd you get that?

The ambulance lire tracks. We're right there. Let's go.



What's the password?

The moon landing was a fake.


MAN: Automatics on this side.

Pack 'em up over there!

OK, close this one up.

Don't touch that, kid.

Those are MID 69 super-EX mines.

Unless you'd like to be barbecued to a crisp.



Come in!


Have a seal.

Thank you.


So, what can I do for you?


You ever seen any of these before?

You a cop?

Uh, military intelligence.

Your kid? Grandson.


Let me see that.

Tokarev, 7.6 mm.

Hmm. Nothing new.

Did you unload any of those lately?

What's it to you?

Well, you see. My grandson here.

His, uh, girlfriend got kidnapped and, uh, I found that right at the place where we believe she got taken.

And why should I care?

Well, because in about 10 seconds.

I'm gonna take down this big gorilla of yours, put the other goon away and put this one in a coma.

Then when I ask you the question again.

You'll be in a world of hurt.



You know what I think?


I think you should play nice and go home with your grandson.



See, I'll be! That you're thinking:

"Who is this old man standing in from of me

'Who's not afraid?"

Am I right?


And you're also thinking.

"What does this guy know that makes him so fearless?

"He's crazy," right?

That's what most people think: "He's crazy!"

But then again.

Maybe he's not so crazy.

Maybe he knows exactly... what he's doing.

All right, enough.

Ah! Holy!



MAN 1: Help the boss! MAN 2: Come on!

Tell 'em to put them down. Put your guns down.

Get up.

On the ground, boys.

Don't move anywhere.

Come here.

Now I'm gonna ask you that question:

Did you move any of those shells lately?

Um, just last week, buyers from out of town wanted some.


And they took full crates of automatics and weapons and ammo.

You wouldn't happen to know. Uh, anybody's name, would you?

No, uh, some mercenary from "Krishkrash." I don't know.

Krakhovians? Yeah.

Komenkho. Mm-hmm.

The guy from the news? Son, you slay right behind me.

Boys, face the other way and walk.

Don't look back. Just keep walking.

Come on.

Police! Everybody. Hands where we can see them!

MAN: Hands in the air! Hands in the air! Don't move!

Sir, please put your weapon down.

Leave those two alone! These... are "friendlies."

Good evening. Major Crawford.

How you been?

Meh. Hey! You're the rabbi that...

Mr. Bouchard...

I'm Captain Steinberg with ASPIC.

Well, one might wonder why we should find you here.

This is very unexpected.

I want to talk to Maddy Harcourt.

Who's Harcourt? She's wailing for you.

Please. Follow me.

Come on. Let's follow protocol.



Take off the cuffs.

Please leave us.

Mr. Bouchard...

Oh, please, call me Jake, or Jakey.

My grandpa calls me Jakey.

Um, where is my grandfather?

Don't worry, Mr. Bouchard. He's close.

I'm an old friend of his. Madeleine Harcourt.

Your grandfather and I served together.

Oh. Uh, were you one of the Devil's Scum?

Excuse me?

The Devil's Scum.

Uh, Grandpa's old special forces unit.

He told you he was in a special forces unit?

Oh, I... I won't, like, say anything.

I'll... I'll keep it to myself, I promise. Shh!

Uh, Mr. Bouchard, what else did your grandfather tell you?


Uh, where do I start? Uh...

Let's see... He told me about North Korea.

He told me about Mao and how that Argo movie was all wrong or something.

Uh, what are you guys doing about Angie?


Yeah, she's my...

Uh, we were supposed to pick up a girl.

Her car broke down. And then we got there.

She wasn't.

Grandpa thinks she's mixed up in something.

She was kidnapped.


Mr. Bouchard, did your grandfather ever mention to you that he received a Section B from the military?

Uh, I don't understand.

Your grandfather hasn't been on the active-duty roster since 2005.

He was found mentally incompetent.

But he's not ment- Perhaps it was stress.

Maybe shell shock.

We had him on desk duly for a few years.

But sometimes an idea pops into his head and he runs with it without realizing how insane the idea is.

It's actually quite impressive how detailed the fantasy world is he can create.

OK. But what about Angie? She's still missing.

You don't know where she is. Doesn't mean she's missing.

We'll look into it. I'm sure she's fine.

I... The... the... The shell casings!

He found 2 shell casings at the place she was supposed to be.

Did you happen to see him pick up those shell casings?

Well. No.

Part of your grandfathers dementia is that he collects all sorts of odd bits of military junk: spent shells, old scraps of enemy uniforms...

He's probably been carrying those shell casings around for the last 20 years.

So, he didn't lead a raid on Mao's villa?

The French Foreign Legion.

The-the affair with the double agent...

All fantasies.

Ah! I mean...

Wait. No, no, no!

He took down that big guy at the garage where the rabbi picked us up.

That guy was huge. He used his bare hands.

You should have seen it! It was amazing!

Even old people. When they have to.

When they need to, they can turn it on for one last mission.


I know this is hard for you.

Your grandfather loves you very much.

But he can no longer function by himself.

Well, not until we get him back on his medication.


So, what happens to him?

We're going to move him to a veterans hospital.

In a few months, you'll be able to see him again.

We've left word for your parents.

I'm sure once they get it, they'll come straight back.

Everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, sure.


Take good care of him.

Mr. Bouchard...

Hey! Hey, you guys, in there!

Hey! Look at me! Look at me!

I am not moving. OK?

You get Madeleine Harcourt to come in here.

I am not moving!

Take a look right here.

I'm gonna stand here like a rock, OK, until I see her.

You got me?

Hey! Maddy. I, uh...

What? No salute for a superior officer?

I'm a commander now.

Oh! Then, um. There you go, Commander.

Uh... You always did like being on lop anyway, huh?

My, oh my!


Where, um... Where is my grandson?

We're taking good care of him.

Well, I'm sure you are. And the Angie Wagner situation?

Uh, yes. Jake's girlfriend.

We found her car in a garage where she had it lowed.

She's probably having a great time with her friends.

Sorry she stood up your grandson.

He looks like a nice kid.

He is.














(WHISPERING): Come on!

No, no, no, no!



911. What is the nature of your emergency?

Hello. My name is Angie Wagner.

And I've been kidnapped.

Um... My car broke down.

And there was an ambulance and these SUVs.

And they shot 2 people!

He did! That man from the TV.

OK, Angie, calm down. Tell me where you are.

He... he... he saw me. And he look me to, um...

I don't know. It's-it's... It's somewhere by the water.

Look, I got out of the room they were holding me in and I got this phone.

But I don't know when they're gonna be back...



Tell me, Lou. What were you thinking blowing your cover like that?

I wasn't thinking very much.

That's the cover story you chose, Lou.

We were ready to retire you to a beach somewhere.

Well, I never really expected this night lo happen.

Didn't you?

Coming up with that story about Jake's girlfriend being mixed up with the Krakhovians...

That is what where all the evidence points at.

And on top of that, he tells me you divulged classified information.

And you told him about us.

I... I told him about. Uh, a double agent.

I didn't use your name or anything.

But what's the difference?

He's used to his grandpa telling him these wacky stories.

He never believed a word of it.

He thinks you're the greatest thing since the personal computer.

Really, huh?


Tomorrow, we'll relocate you to a safe house.

Um, would it be all right if I said goodbye to my grandson?

What for? It'll just make things harder for everyone.


Excuse me.


Officer, you're needed in the control room.

I'll be right there.

I've got to go. Ah...

Here. You've got clearance.

Oh... get yourself a cup of coffee.

Catch a nap in the officer's mess.

We'll move you out in a few hours.

OK, thanks.

I'm sorry it has to be this way, Lou.

Yeah, well...

OK, sweetie.

Thanks. That Angie Wagner thing. You're sure about that, huh?

She's fine! Quit torturing yourself.

Gel some rest.

I've been doing that for years, you know.

Oh, and, Lou... don't do anything stupid.

I'm getting too old for the game now.


Come on. Come on. Come on.

Ah! Whoa, whoa!

Yeah! Ah...



It's OK.

Oh, you reek!

In my country, we have saying;

"If you hide in vat of manure for 3 days, "you don't come out smelling like the roses."



This does... This does nothing.

Good night, budgie rabbit.

We think it could be from Komenkho's hideout.

This just came in through 911.

Play it.

Hello! My name is Angie Wagner, and I've been kidnapped.

Um... My car broke down.

And there was an ambulance and these SUVs.

And they shot 2 people! He did! That man from the TV.

OK, Angie, calm down. Tell me where you are.

He... he... he saw me. And he took me to, um...

I don't know. It's... it's... It's somewhere by the warez.

Look, I got out of the room they were homing me in and I got this phone, but I don't know when they're gonna be back.



Call 911.

Give them our clearance information.

Tell them it was a training call.

Yes. Ma'am.

Hey. Sir?

I'm here to, um, bring the kid back to Madeleine Harcourt.

Here you go.

OK, uh. Let's go, Jake.

What? No.


Excuse me.

Come here, son.

Look, we don't have any time.

I'll tell you about everything later, all right?

I know all about you.

Yeah? The Section B and everything.

It's not true. Madeleine told me.

Look, quite a few people in this world would like to see my ass dead.

So they built this cover story.

Come on. No, man!

I'm not going anywhere with you!

Look, I'm tired of everyone telling me what to do! OK?

Listen, Angie is in a lot of trouble.

No, she's not.

Just because we can't find her does not mean she is missing.

She must be fine.

She is not fine.

And if we don't move. And I'm talking about right now.

She's gonna be a lot worse than not fine, OK?

Look at me.

I am not crazy.

How do I know?

You don't.

You don't. But you do know that I'm your grandfather.

You know I'm kind of capable.

Look, as you get older.

You're gonna have a lot of these moments.

And when they happen. The best advice I can give you is you listen to your heart and your guts.

And you won't go wrong.



What do you say?




Put up the interrogation room.

Zoom in.


Dammit, Lou!

Call security at the entrance.

I'm sure they can slop Major Crawford.

Yes, ma'am. MAN: Security.

Aren't they looking for us?

They are now.

How you doing?

One moment, sir. Are you Major Crawford?

Uh, yes. Yes, I am.

Are you, um. Shocked and unconscious?


That's the trouble with this generation.

They have no stamina.


Hey, so what are we supposed to do?

They have our car keys.

We don't need car keys.

I, uh... I got my, uh...

Bobby pin?

No, it's the original bobby pin.

It's my money clip, my nose plug, uh, temporary zipper repair and my lock pick.

Oh. Come on!

Grandpa, there's a gate! Screw it! Hit it.

Should we send men after them?


Angie got kidnapped by Komenkho.

Komenkho? No. He's dead, remember?

Here's what I think happened;

Angie's on the way to the party.

The car goes on the fritz. She makes that phone call.

After the phone call, she hears something from the alley.

She runs out.

She sees this ambulance, but the patient, he's not dead.

No. He's very much alive.


I see movement! This way!



Run, run. Run! In the trees!

LOU: So, they kidnap Angie and they get her car towed.

So, Komenkho faked his heart attack.

Well. I mean. He's indicted on war crimes.

He's got to get out of here.

Angie's his insurance policy.

If we can hack into the 911 system.

We can get her location.

That's it.

We have to talk to Wendell.

' Who?

Wendell. Trust me. He's the guy.


Hey, slop! Hey, hey! It's Jake. It's Jake.

Look, we need you to hack into the 911 phone system.

Now? Yeah.

It's impossible. Not for you.

It's a government system. Heavily encrypted.

Maybe if I had my own terminal, I could...

If we got a government terminal, would you do it?

Get up! Let's go!

Now? Yeah.

What's going on?




Major Lou Crawford, on my doorstep!

How you been, Harry?

You come to finally pay up on that card game?

I will. But I need your help, all right?

Well. Come on in.


Harry, we brought Wendell here to hack into the 911 system because we're tracing a phone call.

Meet the last of the UNIVAC 2000s.

Built it myself, like everything else in here.

Jake, the calculator on my phone is more sophisticated than this thing.

Well, maybe the Japs have got you fooled into thinking that phone of yours is the cat's teats.

But I ain't never met a communications system that could keep out Old Reliable here.

My phone's from Korea.

Koreans make phones?

Well, what's next? We make pals with the Cubans?


Listen, if you want to break into a government system.

My UNIVAC is the only game in town.


Let me show you something else here.

Wait till you see this!


The 7th cup. All from the same bag.



Oh, uh...

Tea? What about my 911 call?

Right, right. Um... All right, boys.

You, go over there and wait until I tell you to throw that switch.

You, sit down here and wait till I tell you to push the button.

OK. OK. Get ready.

This is safe, right?

Well, we'll soon find out.


All right. Flip the switch.

Press the button. Everybody, cover your eyes!




What's with all the car alarms?

Electromagnetic surge! It's to be expected!

(MAN IN DISTANCE): Come on, Harry! Not again!

I'll hear about this in the morning.


OK. Where's your Wi-Fi code?


Never mind. I'll just improvise.

Hey, Harry, what's that?


Elon Musk's team design.

It can feed this entire building for a month.

If I can link your computer to mine, I should be able to establish a connection to the 911 database.


I'm in!

OK, locating our time frame... Let's see what we have.

WOMAN: My cat's stuck up the tree! Now it's down again!

My name is Angie Wagner and...

Slop! That's it!

Um... My car broke down.

And there was an ambulance and these SUVs.

And they shot 2 people!

He did! That man from the TV.


He saw me. And he took me to, um...

I don't know. It's-Jr's somewhere by the warez.

I got out of the room they were homing me in and I got this phone, but I don't know when they're gonna be back.


No! Come on, you got to find them, buddy.

Come on. Please.

I've retraced where the signal came from.

What do we do now, Grandpa?

Let's get the rest of the Scum.

Boys, I want you to meet our paratrooper and climbing fool.

This is Mother.

Is he dead?



Is that you, Major?


Just please let me go, Mr. Mother.

Give us a little love, brother.

Help me up!


What does it take...

' Hey. Wolf! Lou!


Wolf! Hey!

Mother, you, uh...


This a surprise! I mean...

Oh, hey, boys. This is, uh, Wolf.

He's our explosives expert.


A man of the cloth... Some things do change.

Honey! Don't leave me hanging. I've got a spec...

Some things don't!

(WHISPERING): I'm sorry.

Shh, Shhh! Shhh!

Grandpa, are you sure we're supposed 10...

Shhh, Shh, Shhh!

So, you've come to play games with ol' Giovanni, huh?

I gotta tell you; I play to win.

Good evening, Giovanni.



I thought you were dead!

I don't think so, no. No, but I'm a little older.

But, look, maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for some gun-crazed weapons engineer and a-and a camo expert.

Let me thing about it for about a week.

Do that. I'll get back to you.


Louis! Louis! Louis!


I thought you were dead. No, no.

Scum! It's the Scum!

You're all a bunch of scum! That's what you are!


Oh, man! And you're still alive!

And you're still alive!

Yeah! You're all old people!

What did you do. Empty out the rest home?

You got anything you want to confess?

You can slick that where the sun don't shine.

Who are the kids?

Gentlemen! Behold!

Averitable Geppetto's workhouse of military wonders, where the warrior in you can find everything he needs to achieve his greatest dreams.


Oh yeah!


Hey! Get away from that gun!

I'm sorry! You ruined my coffee pol!

I said I was sorry, OK? It just looked cool.

You ruined my coffee pol.

That's too bad. That was really good coffee.


At 7:45 this afternoon.

My grandson's girlfriend was kidnapped by Krakhovians.

Krakhovians? Komenkho.

Oh boy!

All right, so. This is the warehouse where they're holding her.

We got 4 entrances here.

What we have to do is coordinate a strike at each one of those entrances.

What we need to do first is get 2 cameras from these opposite corners here to cover the whole place.

Now, along this west wall here.

There's a bunch of these transformers.

And we'll need you to, uh, sneak in there and throw that switch off for a diversion.

Pop it off.

OK? Just pop it off?

Yeah, pop it off.

This... Mm-hmm?

Is you.

You will zip line from the lower to the roof.

And then rappel down onto the south entrance.

I'm not going up there!

You were the best wire man we had.

Please go there, alright?

Harry... Hmm?


The north.

Which is the channel you'll be coming through.

The north. That's water In the water?

That reminds me. I saw one of them deep-diving suits.

Yeah, I have that. That's vintage, 1944.

Nice! Uh, still works, I think.

You think? What do you mean, you think?

Ah, 50-50.

I'm kidding you! Oh, OK.

All right, Wolf. Right outside the east side, about 100, 200 yards down the road.

There's this trolley.

I want you to load it up with explosives and run it into that door.

Splintering it to smithereens, OK, just like we did in Saigon in '71.

Oh. Whoa, whoa! You're kidding, right?

Do I look like I'm Kidding?



Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Take it easy, guys.


I want to talk to you about. Um, our assault vehicle.

What happened to the Scummobile?


I sold it.

Seriously? I'm sorry.

I needed the money.

It's not your fault, OK?

Now, is there any chance that maybe you got. Uh, something else?

You got another kind of vehicle or...

That means yes. When you're smiling.

Yes! Good.

I made it myself. Come here!

Come on, boys! Let's go.




An original 1979 Volkswagen Transporter 2.

This is awesome!

Lou, what in Heaven's name are we supposed to do with that?

It could make a great base camp.

Are you serious?

I kind of like it. It looks pretty cool.

But we gonna die!

Are we out of our Tricking minds here'?

Hey, Wolf... Wolf, nothing!

In case you haven't noticed, Major.

We're no youngsters anymore.

And I got myself a woman.

And I'm a priest. And a damned good one!

Maybe we want to think this thing through.

Let's sleep on it, all right?

I don't sleep good anymore. I pee 8 times a night.

Six in the toilet.

I... I don't think this is a good time for this.

Enough of that! OK? Forget this crazy talk!

We should all go home. Forget this night ever happened.

Look, I love you guys.

You're gonna do what you're gonna do.

May God go with you. I'm out of here.

I think Wolf has a point, Lou.

It's... I...

I... Uh...



Another lime. Another place, fellas.

Drop in to my church. It might do you some good.


What, that's it?

This is the Devil's Scum I've heard so much about?

The men who assassinated Hitler. Who fronted the Tel Offensive?

That's it?

You know what? Just go.

Leave. But I will never forget this night.

You want to know why?

'Cause this is the night that I learned about bravery.

And I learned it from hearing stories about you men.

The Devil's Scum!

Look, my generation.

We have no idea how good we have it.

OK, we... we... we text on our smartphones.

We update our statuses on Facebook.

We... we listen to our music in the Cloud.

All without realizing that this world is a safer place because of men like you.

Men who fought so that kids like me could be free lo-lo text and tweet and "like" and "poke."

OK, you know what I said today?

I said that old people should be seen and not heard.

It's true. I heard it.

I thought it was very disrespectful.

Well. I was wrong.

Old people have a lot to leach my generation.

One thing they don't have to leach us is how to quit.

'Cause we already know how to do that.

You know, the Devil's Scum.

You guys look on the world when the world was a dangerous place.

Well, you know what? The world is still a dangerous place.

And now more than ever. We need heroes.

There's a girl in trouble tonight... big trouble.

And she needs you.

She needs the Devil's Scum.

So go on. Leave. Quit.

Do what you want to do.

But I know 2 people who aren't gonna quit.

Right, Grandpa?

That's right, son.


There's 3 of us.

What do you say, boys?

A chance to go out on our shields.

(WHISPERING): Come on.


As long as I'm home before breakfast.

Mom's making chocolate-chip pancakes.


Nobody pulls us apart.

DEVIL'S SCUM: Not before we break them apart!

All right. The sun's coming up.


Up jump the Devil, boys. Thank you, sir.


LOU: You sure you boys want to be here?

Well, I'm so scared. I might pee in my pants.

Yeah, I'm all in.


I'm too old for this.


Mother, you all clear up there?

Eagle eye. Two birds on the roof.

Cage them all. All of them.

Copy that.

Sleep well. Soldiers!


LOU: Harry, there's 2 coming towards you.

Don't blow any bubbles, OK?

Roger that! Where am I going again?

The eyes are on.



It's exposed here. Watch for me.

East/south eyes... are hot.

Copy that. Gio. Don't move!

You got a guy coming-

Hey, zoom out.


Am I clear? Yeah, you're ab' clear:

Now tum off that switch.

All right. Here I go.

Eagle Eye! You ready to fly, brother?

Oh yeah!

Hey, it's working.


It's time... Yeah? OK.

What do I do if you need help?

Um, it'll come to you.

Hey, Grandpa... Yeah?

Be careful.


Whoa! No. Oh, please!

Don't look down!

Don't look down. Oh, I looked down.


No! Ah! Oh!

There goes my last kidney.


All right. Got you!

Oh, I gotta get up! Oh my goodness.






It's easier with cartilage.

OK! Here we go. Real simple...


Oh, my back!

Why isn't he flicking the switch?

Lord, please protect Lou so I can kill him myself!



Gio! Come on. What the heck's going on?

Lou, hold on a minute. A slipped disc.

Ah, two inches.


Harry? Oh!

Which one of those tanks did you take?

The one with the... The one with the smiley face!


That's happy gas, you idiot!

I want you out of the water right now!

Come on. Come on!

General, there is some activity in the water.

Something going on down there.



We might got some troubles.

Troubles? Troubles!


You don't know that word, "troubles"?

Idiot! You know that word?

Idiot. Copy.

You know that word?



Hey, hey! S-s-something's going on.

Looks like the... The guards have been alerted.

All right. We'll use that as a distraction.

Now go! Roger that.

OK, they're gone! Ah!


Hands up. ' Hmm? '

Turn around! Ah!



Hmm... Uh...

How you doing?



Can one of you guys help me out of this thing?

Gio! How are you? Not so good. You?


Oh, pretty good. Not bad.


Grandpa, they're all busted.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Well, I'm not sure about Mother, but the others are.

What do we do?

Just stay in that truck, OK?

I want you to stay in that truck.

Do that for me please, OK?

I'll take care of it.

Grandpa? Grandpa?

We gotta do something.

We can't fight the Krakhovians.

We got midterms next week.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Come on...

No, I... Hey, no!

I'm slaying, you're slaying.






Hey, you don't even know my name, man.


Batteries for my pacemaker.

"Pissmaker"? "Pacemaker".





I didn't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you Krakhovian cabbage.

Shut! You shut!

You shut! Shut you!

Leave him alone!





Who are you old men?

Nobody you'd care to know.

Nobody! Oh!

"Nobody," says the man in the green bush.



And you are here to do what, huh?

Arrest me? Oh!

What are you old fools thinking, huh?

Come on, guys. Is this a joke? Huh?

Is this a joke? I love jokes. What?

This is a joke. Come on!

We're soldiers.

Oh, Oh!

Is that so? Hmm. And from what century?





And your commander?

Oh! OK, I see.

All for one and one for all the old farts, huh?


Oh come on, bunny rabbit! You don't like that? Ah!


I really hope you guys wear your old-man diapers.


LOU: Hold your fire!

Hold on! Take it easy.

Easy, big guy-


Ah, thanks, Lou!


Angie, are you all right?

Who are you? Uh, Lou Crawford.

Wait. What, what. What, what, what?

What, what, what? Major Lou Crawford?

The Major Lou Crawford?

The... Will you slop that?

I'm trying to have a conversation here.

Oh. Sorry, Lou. Come on!

Sorry. Yeah.

The Major Lou Crawford?

The same Major Lou Crawford the KGB called...


Canuckian? Crazy Canuck. Yeah!

So you know about me, huh?

I received my military education in Stalingrad.

Your exploits were required reading.

I'm honoured.

Don't be.

I was sent to Stalingrad to study after my father was killed in action, by You.

It's official. We're hosed.

You probably don't even know who my father was.

I pretty much remember almost everybody I killed.

He wasn't a very nice guy.

He had a family!

He had a brother? Sister?

Younger sister! She teaches. Uh, children how to swim.

Mother? Of course!

Well, your father.

He should have thought of you poor people before he tried to buy that enriched uranium from one of my spies.

Mmm... I killed that spy a few years ago.

MOTHER: E-e-excuse me!

You mind if we go and sit down while you have your pissing contest?

Yeah, no, that's all right.

Yeah, it's OK. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, I'm good with that. You?

Yeah, yes. OK. Sure.

Look, we all know that you faked your death and that you're trying to get out of the country.

So, in the nicest way. I'm asking you:

Why don't you let this poor girl go?

I would hope that your superiors know.

They helped me plan my escape.


Maddy! Maddy...

Yeah, call it a little payback for all the help I gave ASPIC in the early '90s.

I helped you take down the Berlin Wall.

Now you help me get away from all those, um. Unpleasant war-crimes trials.

I don't like them!

I don't like those. You know? You know?

But they just don't know that I'm going to kill all their men and leave the country on my own.

But I'm crazy like that!

♪ Crazy like that Crazy like that ♪


Uh-huh! Our ride is here.

HARRY: What does he mean, "our ride"?

Don't worry. They can't shoot us here.

It'd leave too much evidence.

They'll get caught before they leave.

Very good, Major. Man, you still got it.

Or I just shoot you now and take my chances with ASPIC.

Oh, aisle seal, please.

Don't you have a backup plan?

I... I... I think so, yeah.


It's the lighter!

Angie! Jake? Jake!

Ah! Take cover!







Cheap commie crap!

Whose side are You on?

Hey! Hey!

I'm sorry. Lou!

Kill them.


Angie! Jake!


ANGIE: Jake! Hold on! I'm coming!

Let me go!


KOMENKHO: We'll be back!

Wish me luck. Huh?


Mr. Wolf!

How about me? Giovanni!

Meet your maker!




No, no, no!

Ah! Ah!




♪ Crazy like that ♪






I'll take you upstairs for insurance. Yeah.

Come on, bunny rabbit.

Up! Up!


What are you waiting for? Go get him!

ANGIE: Let me go!

Come on! Let's get some carrots.

Stay here! Yeah, I can do that!


Where is the old man?


How you doing, Harry?

They're gonna get a big charge out of this.

Well, hurry up! Whoa, that was close!





That's right. That's right.

Let me go! Oh!

Let me go. You stinking pig!

You little witch!

If you cannot break the spirit, break the body. Come on!


KOMENKHO: Come on!

Come on! Don't be scared.

It's OK. Come on!




Hey, you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.




Angie? Angie!

Jake? Jake! What are you doing here?

I came with my grandpa to get you.

That old man is your grandpa?

Isn't he awesome? We have to go!

He's on the 2nd floor.

Do you know where? Yes!


Hello, kittens! Back, back, back!

Hello, kittens!



Angie? Yeah?

Batter up. Yeah.

I know what you're thinking right now.

You're thinking to yourself:

'Why isn't this kid scared of me?"

Am I right? Of course I'm right.

You're thinking; "What does this kid know that I don't know

"that's making him so fearless?

"Maybe he's insane.

"But maybe, just maybe, this kid can take care of himself."







Hey! Are you OK? Are you OK?

I'm fine. How... how did you find me?

Grandpa. What-what about your grandpa?

I'll tell you about it later.


How's that for confidence?

That was good. Not bad, huh?

I liked it. That was good.

Grandpa? Let's go.


, I'm empty!

Don't ask me. I'm out! Time to put her on!

Ah! Switches...

Ah! I think I'm ready.


It's getting hot!

Harry, do your magic!

Wait! What?








GUARD: Pissmaker...

Harry! I love you, Harry!

God works in wondrous ways with a little help from you, Harry!

I knew you could do it!


This way! This way!

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!



Follow me. Come on.





Hey! Grandpa, you OK?

I think so.

Watch out!

I kill you all.




A backup plan.

They're 2 MID 69 super-EX mines, and they'll barbecue your ass to a crisp.

What are you? Some kind of big soldier now, huh?

Nope. Huh?

Major Lou Crawford's grandson.


They're only smoke bombs? Yeah. I lied!

That's my boy!


You guys slay there. Do not move.



Excuse me. Ah!





Come on.

Hey! You OK?

Oh! Ooh!


Well, that probably hurt.

Ah! Good job, son. I'm proud of you.

Well, I've learned from the best.

What did you say to me?

No, I got it.

I got it.

No, I'm not that old. I get it. OK.

Who was that, Lou?

Uh, Harcourt. She's, uh. Right outside here somewhere.

So, uh, again. Boys, good job.

Ah! It was fun, Lou! A walk in the park.

Only next time, Lou, make the mission a little bit difficult.


That was awesome!

Hey, do I get a cigar too?

When you start shaving, Einstein.



(WOMAN ON CB): The scene is secure.

Copy that.

Hey, Jakey! Introduce us to your girlfriend.


Uh, yeah. Angie. This is Scum.

Scum, this is Angie. And she is not my girlfriend.

Like hell I'm not!


Come here.

Whoo! Whoo!

Nice! Little boy's growing up!


Angie, if I were 60 years younger...


Is that Madeleine Harcourt?

No fatalities.

My, she's a hot one!

I wish I was 70 again. Yeah!



My, oh my, Lou! What have you done?

Exactly what you wanted me to do, dear.

Figured it out, did you?

Yeah, I was a little. Uh, little late on that.

But I started thinking and I was wondering, and then it came to me.

How the heck did I get out of that agency with the kid, so fast, so easy?

How did that happen?

Just because some politician tells me I have to help the bastard get out of the country, it doesn't mean I have to get in the way of someone trying to stop him.

Yeah, well, you could have got us all killed.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

He had the girl, and there was nothing I could do to help her.

You almost got my grandson killed!

Who told you to bring him along?

Lou, darling.

We've seen so much action together.

Let's put this behind us.

Everyone's fine; your grandson. Your men...

It's been a good mission. Just like the old days.

Like the old days. Exactly!


Medic! What's going on over there?

What the heck? Grandpa!

Are you OK, sir? What's wrong with him?

He's going into cardiac arrest. Bring a stretcher!

Get him to an ambulance now!


Grandpa, you're gonna be OK.

You got him?

Wait, wait, wait!

Don't be scared, son.

I'm sorry. We have to go. Move! Move!

Dock him in.

Go straight in. No, no, no.

Jake, you stay here. It's better. Better.

Go. Ma'am.

All clear. Close them up.



We'll see you back at the house, OK, Jake?

Take your time.

WOMAN: Such a great guy.

How are you doing?

I'm fine.




Jakey, you got a moment?

I'll see you back at the house, OK?



She's a great gal, Jakey.

Only one at school worth fighting for.

Yeah, me and the boys, uh, we were talking.

There's something about your grandfather we think you should know.

You see...

When your grandpa was released from active duty... they wanted to relocate him lo a place like the Bahamas or Switzerland so he'd be safe.

You know, all those villains were after him, like Komenkho.

But he wouldn't go.


Grandpa never could run from a fight.


We... we ran from lots of fights, him and us.

That's why we all made it as long as we did.

Your grandfather wouldn't leave because of you.


He wanted to be close to you.

It was his idea to...

(LAUGHING) lo fake being senile. End up in a nursing home.

Perfect cover!

So the bad boys would feel sorry for him and, uh, leave him alone.

And it... Hell, it worked.


He kept up the act... all those years. Just to see you grow up.


We only took him out of that home twice a month.

Yeah, well, that was good enough for him.

He, uh, wanted you to have these.


And these...

You're family now, kiddo.

Nothing pulls us apart.

We thought you should know.

Thank you.


Up jumps the Devil.

Yeah! Yeah.



So, what's the plan tonight, Picasso?

Oh, let's see... Mm-hmm.

I come to your game... OK.

Watch you beat the snot out of Westmore Academy, and then take you out to celebrate?


And my parents aren't home.

Oh, well, maybe we could, um...

Hey! What an adorable couple!







Hey, kid!

Hey! Hi, Angie!

What is this? I mean, you're supposed to be...

Dead! Yeah!

Yeah, officially, I am, but I got to tell you. It's very liberating.

I... I don't understand. Uh, how?

Well, uh, the lunatic asylum I was in over there...

I hated it at the nursing home.

So Maddy was gracious enough to get me out.

So, "dead," now. Is my, uh, cover.

You pulled a Komenkho and faked your own death?

Yeah, but see. That guy, he got a beautiful nice funeral out of it.

You know what I mean?


I, uh... Mom! Grandpa, we gotta tell Mom!

Oh, no. No, no. No.

Uh, let me get settled for a little while.

And we'll bring her up to speed.

You know, once I get settled, OK?

Well, where are you going?

Well, I'm, uh... Coming, darling?

Hi, Mr. Bouchard!

Hi, Ms. Harcourt!

Yeah, she's, uh, she's got a little farm down in Mexico.

No televisions. No TVs. No minivans.

Pigs, ducks, you know, sun, a few of the blue pills...


Perfect, right? You are something else.

You know that? Yeah, man!


Oh, by the way...

No, no, no!

Keep those, you know. In case I feel, like, bored.

And I want to come out of retirement.

OK. I gotta go, you guys.

OK, yeah.

Bye. Gorgeous! Bye!

And, um, I will, uh, text you guys in a little while.

Oh! Hey, Grandpa. By the way...

What are you gonna do on a farm?

What do you know about chickens, pigs or goals?

Let me tell you something.

If I can destroy Death Star and save the galaxy...

Star Wars? Really?

Yeah. Yeah?

Lucas, that bum, he took 2 planets, changed the names...

So, legally, it became a different story.

Exactly. That's why I don't get one cent of royalties.

That guy... That guy!

I got to feed some of the...


♪ When life is about to give you what you want ♪

♪ You really need to give it all you have ♪

♪ You know you got to try Believe in you and I ♪

♪ Just take that chance and we?! reach the sky ♪

♪ I think of you every second of the day ♪

♪ I want to give you my hand ♪

♪ You know you got to try Believe in you and I ♪

♪ Just take that chance and we?! reach the sky ♪

♪ We're meant to be together ♪

♪ We're meant to be together ♪

♪ We're meant to be together ♪

♪ We're meant to be together ♪

♪ You're my dream ♪

♪ I was waiting for you for all this time ♪

♪ I dream that we can make it through time ♪

♪ And make each other dream ♪

♪ Of a better life ♪

♪ And be a part of each other's life ♪

♪ Of each other's fife ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪

♪ You rock the work! ♪

♪ Yeah, you rock the world, girl ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪

♪ Let's do it together ♪