Underdog (2007) Script

[# Underdog theme]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, this is Simon Barsinister, the wickedest man in the world.

He was evil and crazy.

Simon and his wacky henchman, Cad, schemed to rule the universe.

But each time they were foiled by me, the greatest superhero who ever lived... Underdog!


[man] Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you this evening to discuss the growing problem of crime in our city.

Here in front of me are files of unsolved cases.

[Underdog] We're getting ahead of ourselves.

That's me in the uniform.

I was raised, since I was just a little puppy, to fight crime.

Never had a family or a place to call home.

I was raised with one purpose and one purpose only: to help people, to keep them safe.

Nothing was going to stand in my way.

[barks]

[man stops speaking] Easy, boy.

However, to the families involved... You got something, boy?

[barking] What was that?

Alpha Dog has got a lock on the stage. I think it's the boxes.

Criminals should not be allowed to keep their freedom.

[howling] Clear the building!

[man] We need SWAT here, now! Please hurry, your honor.

[man 2] Everybody out!

Blue team, go, go! Move!

[electronic beeping]

No radiation.

No metal.

Tweezers, and we'll lift.

Easy. Right down the side.

Yeah. Slow. And slide.

I bet you didn't know a beagle's sense of smell is 55 times stronger than a human's.

[sneezes]

Well, mine's not.

It's a gift from the American Pork Association.

[laughter]

I want a full debrief, now.

[laughter continues]

[dogs barking]

[dogs laughing]

Nice work, rookie. You found an exploding ham.

Quiet, I smell a bomb.

You! You should just turn in your tags.

[dogs continue laughing]

All right, I'll be honest with you.

I wasn't the best dog on the force.

In fact, I was probably the worst.

The ham was just the latest of my mistakes.

Like the time I chewed the extension cord and it was plugged in.

Or when I met that cute poodle and it turned out to be a guy.

It's hard to feel destined for greatness when you keep messing up.

But, destiny's a funny thing.

It'll creep up on you when you least expect it.

Gotcha. Last one for tonight.

[dogs barking]

Excuse me. Uh, there's been a big mistake.

I'm not a stray. I shouldn't be in the pound.

This ain't no pound, son.

This place makes the pound look like the dog park.

By day it's OK, but at night, once everyone's left, that's when the freaky stuff happens.

What kind of "freaky stuff?"

What did they do to your hair? What's wrong with my hair?

[stammers] Nothing. Nothing at all.

You were saying about the "freaky stuff."

All I'm saying is when the guy in the white lab coat pulls out the giant needle, run!

[laughs maniacally]

[whistling]

Hey.

Welcome to the graveyard.

Yeah, nice and quiet, just like I like it.

Uh, sir, excuse me. We're not open right now.

There's no access to the labs.

Oh, really? I'm sorry.

That's all right. Don't worry.

Oh, wait. What's this?

What does this say?

Uh... "All Access." Sorry.

It's OK. You all make mistakes.

But I forgive you.

Because that's the kind of person I am... humble.

A humble genius.

[man] It's OK.

Let him in.

Please.

Again, I'm sorry, Dr. Barsinister.

I'm terribly sorry. It's OK. How were you to know that I am the most important scientist this company has?

You couldn't have.

[elevator bell dings]

[elevator bell dings]

[Barsinister] Who's the new hire? Him? He, uh, used to be a cop.

I was thinking that maybe we should take it easy on the after-hours stuff.

You know? Clandestine.

A three-syllable word? I'm impressed.

I bought a, uh...

[mispronouncing] ...thesaurus.

Good for you.

But even if he is an ex-cop, we don't have time to skulk about. Look.

"Police Dog Training." It's a great idea.

Why didn't you think of that?

Because training is a fool's process.

I've met with the mayor, and I told him how we could take this city to new heights through genetic manipulation.

[meowing]

Yeah? What did he say? The fool actually laughed at me.

That happened to me once. I had my pants on inside out.

Nobody told me for the entire day.

Stop talking now. Oh, right. Right.

I'll be the silent partner.

Just because you're the only one here, Cad, does not make us partners.

Wow. A real-life mad scientist.

Yeah, and he ain't even mad yet.

All right. Bring me the new dog.

Your lucky day.

[Barsinister] And now, the most important DNA.

[whimpers] [Barsinister] Oh.

Don't worry, little guy.

It will only hurt... a lot.

OK, let's do it, partner.

[sneezes]

Gross! Your mouth was open!

Just hold him.

[barking] [screaming]

[Cad] Hey, Doc! Get him!

Get in the game, Doc. He's right there.

No, no! No, no!

My research!

The serum. [Cad] He's going for the door!

Run, boy. Run, run!

Bring me a chew toy from the outside.

And maybe some hair gel!

[gasps] It works.

[screaming] Doc!

[indistinct chatter on police radio]

I'm pulling the security tapes and running a computer sweep of Dr. Barsinister's research. Dan, we'll handle it from here.

When there's a crime, they call a cop.

When someone wants to sign into the building, they call you.

[laughter] Right.

That's why you're the chief.

With a big filing cabinet marked "unsolved crimes."

Hey, guys...

Yeah, that was some night. I was homeless and hungry.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, these numbskulls show up.

[male dog] Hey, runt. You lost?

The name's Riff Raff. He's Riff Raff.

I've marked this territory. Yeah, he marked it.

Look, I don't want any trouble, OK?

Well, then today's your lucky day, mutt.

I'd rip you to pieces, but I don't want to get my paws dirty.

Yeah. You're not worth his time, fleabag.

[chuckles] Fleabag. Yes. Get him!

Sweet. We're going to get him. Come back here!

That mutt dumped my trash. Come on. Get him, boys.

He thinks he's a greyhound. Look at him go.

[Riff Raff] I'll eat that runt for dinner.

Dibs on leftovers.

[tires screeching] Oh! Speed bump.

What a way to go. I'm with you, boss.

Let's get out of here.

[dog whimpering]

Hello?

[whimpering]

Hey, I thought I clipped you.

What are you doing? [laughing]

You're a funny little dog. Come here. Come here.

Let me see. Where's your collar?

Oh, is that a kiss? Where's your collar?

You don't have a home?

Why don't you come home with me? Huh?

We got a nice home, just for you.

[engine starts] What are you doing out that window?

I know what you're thinking. He just hit me with his car, and I climb in the front seat.

Look, I may not be able to smell a bomb, but I can smell a good person.

[keyboard clicking] [boy] Please excuse Jack Unger from any and all activity because he has a bad cold.

No, too simplistic.

He has shingles.

No, I already used that.

Come on, Jack. Dig deep.

[sighs] I got one.

Perfect.

[Dan] Hey, Jack, you ready for school yet?

Yeah. Come on out back.

I can't. I'm busy. Aw, come on.

I got something to show you.

[groaning] Hey, I heard that.

Yeah, you're a good dog. Can you sit for me?

[sneezes] Oh. God bless you.

Here's your Ba... Hey, Jack. Look.

You bought a dog? No, I didn't buy him.

I, uh, I found him on the street.

He's cute, isn't he?

I thought maybe we'd go for walks, take him on a hike.

Hikes? Oh, fun.

Hey, look at that. I think we should call him... Shoeshine.

Considering all the other things he probably licks, I think that's the best call.

Jack, I just thought he would be good for you.

Take your mind off a few things.

Listen, I'm telling you I am fine, all right?

OK. You don't have to keep doing this.

You've got other things to worry about, like being a prison guard to lab rats.

You know what? I like the new job.

[phone ringing]

If you don't want the dog, I'll take him to the pound this afternoon.

[door opens and closes]

Hello? [groans]

No, no, I'll come back. All right. Thank you.

I got to go back to work.

What about Shoelick? Shoeshine.

Listen, do me a favor. Keep an eye on him.

You know what? Give him a chance.

You might even like him. I don't think so.

All he does is eat, sleep and poop.

Then the two of you have a lot in common, don't you?

[Barsinister] I can isolate specific protein strands in animal DNA.

Then combine them any way I want.

This will give him the speed of a cheetah, the ability to fly like an eagle, or the strength of an animal one hundred times his weight.

Forging a doctor's note, Jack? Is this what it's come to?

I didn't forge it.

So, you expect me to believe that you have... "monkeypox?"

[coughing] It's pretty bad.

OK.

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact that you did it, or that you did so poorly that you couldn't even fool a P.E. teacher.

Ahhh. Food.

[sniffing]

Yep. Definitely smell food.

Hmm.

It's not dog food, but it's about to be.

Oh, no.

They're going to blame this on me.

Oh, well, bon appétit.

A-ha. Homo postalis, the Great North American Mailman.

Natural enemy of the dog.

[barking] Look, the Ungers got a new cat.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Is that the best you got? You want a piece of this here?

Whoa.

[laughing]

That's right. Run, mail-slinger, run.

And never come back here again.

[tires screech] [cat screeches]

Great. Two for one.

Hey. Is that a tennis ball?

[chuckles] This day just gets better and better.

[grunts] Whoa!

[pants] That couch tried to kill me.

There is something mighty peculiar going on here.

[door opening] Huh?

What did you do? [whimpering]

Dad is going to kill you. And then me.

Oh!

I really hope this is chili.

Give me a break. It was an accident.

[Jack] Hello?

Dad? Is that you?

Hello?

Come here, boy.

Did you hear something? No. Did you?

Did you just talk? Huh? What? Hmm?

Whoa, whoa... Wait a minute. You can understand me?

[both screaming]

[hyperventilating]

OK. OK. Deep breaths.

Get some fresh air to the brain. You're just imagining this.

Wait. You... Bad dog. Stop talking.

Wait. Stop.

Person, heel. Come on, who trained you?

Person, just wait.

What did you just call me? Sorry. I don't know your name.

Jack. Nothing. Stop talking to me.

Look, I can't stop talking to you, Jack Nothing, because I'm freaking out here.

If we're going for a walk, you may want to get a poop bag.

What? I have that special feeling.

Maybe you're the problem.

A weirdo kid who can suddenly talk to dogs.

How did you learn to speak English?

How should I know? Can you speak other languages?

A little retriever. Some shih tzu. My Chihuahua is a little rusty, though.

OK, I mean other human languages. So English isn't enough for you?

Jack?

Shh! That's Molly, a reporter for the school paper.

She'll have a field day with you. Just speak dog.

Arf. Arf.

Hey, how's it going? Good.

Were you just talking to someone? Just my dog.

I've got my dog, too. Polly!

[# Styx: Lady]

OK, here we go.

Uh, hello. I'm Shoeshine.

Oh, well, hello. I'm Polly.

[barking] [laughing]

I think she likes him.

I've never seen you. Are you new to this park?

Oh, yeah, I just, uh, relocated.

You smell wonderful. Like a half-eaten pig's ear.

Excuse me. "Pig's ear?"

Is that what passes for a pick-up line?

No, no. I, uh...

Well, I've got to get going. Come on, Polly.

Master calls. So, uh, will I see you again?

Look, you're a cute beagle and all, but I want a little pizzazz in a relationship.

A guy who can sweep me off my feet, you know?

Hmm... But we can be friends, OK?

See you later. Yeah. See you later.

"Friends?" "Friends?" I don't want to be friends.

I'm looking to settle down, to find Mrs. Right.

She could be Polly Shoeshine.

Or is it Polly Shine? Or is it...

Hey, Frisbee!

What was that? It's my instincts.

I just can't help myself.

Whoo! What a rush.

OK. What else do you do?

Now bury the bone. Let's go. Good boy. Bury the bone.

Uh, excuse me. You want to tell me why you're talking to me like that?

What? It's doggy talk.

Well, it's demeaning. Give me the stick.

Hey, I think I struck oil. Shoeshine, get out of there. Come on.

I hope no one saw that.

What else do dogs do? Hey, they smell.

How's your smelling? My schnoz ain't too good.

Got me fired from my last job.

That's ridiculous. Come on, just try it.

Smelling makes me nervous, and I...

Ah... ah... ah-choo!

Glad I didn't try to hold that one in.

I would have blown my brains out of my ears.

OK. Um, what are they saying?

[indistinct voices becoming clearer]

[girl] ...when I talk like that. I'm not gonna spend...

I know. We'll talk later. Bye.

Catch the ball right in the web of the glove.

Maybe we should see other people.

He thinks it would be better if they saw other people.

She says for all she cares he can go eat...

People eat that, too? [chuckles]

[crying] Help! Let me go.

It's Polly and that girl who follows her around.

Molly. She's with two other guys.

They're stealing her backpack. This way.

Hey! Wait.

Slow down. No, you speed up. Use all four legs.

[tires screeching] [horns honking]

This is incredible. I've never run this fast before.

It feels like my feet aren't even touching the ground...

Yeow! [horns honking]

Whoo!

[gasps] I can fly?

Hey!

Whoa! Look out!

Whoo!

This is way better than sticking your head out of a moving car.

Whoo hoo! [truck horn honking]

Oh, no! I'm blind. I can't see. Oh, no.

I don't want to see.

Sorry.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Out of the way.

I'm good. I'm good.

Whoo!

[groans] Spicy mustard.

Ow! Where are the brakes on this thing?

I got a camera. Hurry up.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Ahhh!


[Molly] Hello? 911?

[murmuring]

Uh-huh. Someone just swooped in and saved you?

You think you could describe him?

Yes. He was white.

Molly, hey. Um, are you all right? Mm-hmm.

OK, so he's a Caucasian? Actually, I think he was brown.

He was light brown with white spots on his belly, paws and tail.

He had black whiskers, brown eyes and a wet nose.

Like this?

[Jack] Shoeshine? Shoeshine.

[Jack] Shoeshine? Shoeshine.

Shoeshine, you here? [whimpering]

Sorry, Jack.

I didn't mean to break those cars or those garbage cans or that building.

Shoeshine, you're a hero.

No, I don't want to be a hero. I'll screw it up.

Trust me on this one.

[sighs] I just wanted a home, a place where I belonged.

Just because I have these powers doesn't make me a hero.

Shoeshine, it depends on what you do with them.

Maybe. But promise me, no one can find out.

Not even your dad. Oh, my dad.

Easy. Easy.

Do you see a tennis ball anywhere?

[doorbell rings]

Just put it in the corner.

You know, traditionally, the dog makes the mess and the human cleans it up.

I'm looking for my beagle. He, uh, does tricks and stuff.

I'm... I'm sorry. I haven't seen him.

[crashing]

What was that? That was my, um... my grandpa.

He's blind, and we're just rearranging the furniture.

Are you all right in there, Gramps? Who you calling Gramps?

Get back in here and help me move the couch.

[crashing]

You're making your blind grandfather move a couch?

It was either that or repave the driveway. His choice.

Good luck finding your dog.

Do you belong to that guy? What? Me? No.

Then who was he? How should I know?

All you humans look alike.

Oh, it's my dad.

OK. I'm going to go out there and stall him, and you try and make things look as normal as possible in here.

Talking dog will try to make things normal. Check.

[sighs] All clean.

Dad, Dad, hey. Hey, how are you? What's up?

Do you need help? Sure, yeah. Thanks.

Wait. I'm going to put these inside, and then we're going to go for a walk.

A walk?

You and me are going to go for a walk?

Yeah. You know, just chill, talk?

Hang out?

OK. Come on.

What happened there?

[Jack] Dad, wait. [Dan] No, Jack.

What? [glass breaking]

Yeah, hang out.

Dad, look, I can explain. Don't tell me the dog did it.

We'll talk about it later.

I'm going to take that dog to the pound.

Dad, no! No, please. I want to keep him.

You told me you didn't want the dog.

Me? No way.

I told you I've wanted a dog since I was, like, eight.

[whimpering]

All right, but it's your responsibility.

You got to feed it, brush it, walk it. You got to train it.

Trust me, Dad. This dog will do things that will blow your mind.

[Dan] This better be chili. [growls]

[rats squeaking]

[Barsinister] Yes. Yes, brilliant.

Already the flames of inspiration are licking at my brain.

Unencumbered, in this, my new laboratory.

Kind of smells like a men's room. So much the better.

It seems like the wrong vibe for our work.

Seems a little precocious.

Perspicacious. What?

Peppery? Prim?

Most of my thesaurus burned up in the fire.

All I've got left are the P's.

Perfect. Ooh. That's a good one.

Can I use that?

The material I require is going to be expensive.

We're going to need to find ways to subsidize my work.

I know some guys who just got out of the clink who can help us.

Perhaps. Bam!

Ahhh! Nailed it.

Jack and I became good buddies.

For the first time in my life, I really felt like Man's Best Friend.

[man] Hot dogs, nice and hot!

Come on. Bite into a nice juicy hot dog.

What? What?

Oh, my gosh, they're made of dog!

Are you people crazy?

Shoeshine, come here.

It's not real dog.

What is it then? It's just animal parts.

You know, like noses, hooves, intestines.

Well, in that case, I'll take two.

Hot dogs! Hot dogs! That's what I got!

Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Nice and hot!

Why is he talking like that? He's rhyming.

It's a gimmick. To get people's attention.

That seems like a strange convention for you to mention.

And this is where I'm bored out of my mind, eight hours a day.

Whenever I'm bored I just chase my tail.

If you're lucky you throw up and bingo!

Lunch, part two.

Nice. What?

Sticks, balls, and running in one game?

So clever. So inspired. Not our team.

We're always the underdogs.

Never heard of that breed. Is that a dog from Australia?

No. Look, an underdog is someone who has been counted out and nobody expects them to win.

Yeah, I know the feeling. Huh? [cat meows]

[Shoeshine] There goes the neighborhood.

Shoeshine, no. [groans]

Freak. What?

See?

So, what's the score? I told you no.

But every molecule of me was screaming "yes."

It's time to teach you some manners.

Right. I'm going to learn manners from a guy who pees in my white porcelain drinking bowl.

All right. Basic commands. Chapter one: sit.

Let's start with a tough one.

Chapter two: lie down. Fine.

I was going to do that anyway.

Chapter three: roll over.

This book doesn't have much of a plot, does it?

And chapter four: speak.

Arf. Arf. You can't be serious with this.

Four weeks of lessons in four seconds?

We're on a good pace.

Chapter five: return the book and get your money back.

I got you something. Oh. Never had one of these before.

If you ever get lost they'll know where to bring you home.

"Home."

Wow, this is great!

Oh, ew! Oh, that breath is horrible.

What have you been eating?

Not sure. I dug it out from under the house.

Suddenly I had a home and a family.

I had all that I ever wanted.

The only thing that could mess this up was if a mad scientist bent on revenge was living underneath the city.

Well, guess what?

Oh, the price I've paid.

[sighs] So be it.

Hi. How's it going?

I'd love to, baby, but I'm busy.

Work out? Yeah, I work out.

I think of my body as a Buddhist temple.

[Barsinister] Cad, stop talking to your imaginary friend and get in here!

[elevator bell dings]

[banging]

[man on radio] Dan, it's Les. You got a shipment at the loading docks.

Can you buzz them in? All right.

I'm on my way.

[elevator bell dings]

Is this thing going to help us make another super dog?

Why settle for just one when I can create a plethora?

That's a "P" word. I bet I have that one.

Just pick it up, you ape.

[Shoeshine] Give the dog your food.

Give the dog your food. Give the dog your food.

You are in my power. You will do as I command.

Sorry, you didn't get the power of hypnotism.

A-ha. Not yet, I didn't.

Give the dog your food.

[toy squeaking] [newscast plays on TV]

Rubber? What kind of sick joke is this?

...this demonstration will convince international leaders that the Capitol City K-9 Academy is the future for K-9 crime fighters.

Maybe I should sign you up.

I don't think that's a good idea.

My dad used to be on the force.

He was twice decorated by the mayor for bravery.

He was a real hero. What happened?

He quit.

That a big deal? A big deal?

Yeah.

OK, he says he quit his job to spend time with me after my mom died, and he's still never home.

We're interrupting with breaking news. One of our camera crews following police have stumbled upon a jewelry store robbery.

The thieves have taken several hostages.

You never see dogs hurting each other for money.

You never see people sniffing each other's butts.

Mmm, touché.

As you can see, it is a tense situation.

Hey, you can stop it, like with Molly and Polly.

No, no, no way. Uh-uh. That was an accident.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Well, maybe this is why you're here.

Look, I was just getting the hang of the whole "pet" thing.

I even chewed up your iPod. You what?

The truth is, I just want to be a regular dog.

And I want to be a regular kid with a mom and a dad.

But you know what, life doesn't always work out that way.

[sighing] All right.

I'll do it, for you. But just this once.

There better be something pretty special in that dog dish when I get back.

You can put the dog door there!

Whoa! Shoeshine!

Watch out for the fish kite. What fish kite?

Ohhh!

I'm good. I hope I don't look too ridiculous.

[sirens blaring] [woman] Oh!

[sirens blaring] [woman] Oh!

No! Hey, come on.

Don't look at me.

If she hadn't pulled the silent alarm, you two wouldn't be getting a time out.

[man grunting]

Got it. We got it.

Good.

[woman on police radio] Unit 31, I hear you loud and clear.

They got all the exits barricaded. We can't get a man in there.

Hold your positions. SWAT is on its way. ETA five minutes.

Did you see that? I have no idea.

Whoa!

Ow!

[gasping] [groaning]

Dogfish.

Excuse me. Why do you people have pantyhose on your heads?

I'll get him.

I'm going to guess you're one of the bad guys.

[gasping] Huh?

[feedback]

Cad, can you hear me? That's our dog!

Grab him! OK. Hey, you, grab that dog.

Are you all right? Are you OK?

Can you hear me? Come on, little buddy. Breathe.

Hey, guys, back off. He needs some space.

I'll give you some space.

I said give me some space.

Hang tight, little buddy. I'll get some help.

[guns cocking] Evening, officers.

Whoa, whoa. Hold your fire. The jewels are safe, there's a fox passed out on the floor, and, yes, I'm dressed like a fish.

Keep up the good work.

[male reporter] While most of our city remains skeptical, the Post is standing by its story of a dog thwarting yesterday's jewelry robbery.

According to eyewitnesses, the animal displayed uncommon strength...

I knew it.

The police have yet to comment on this strange report.

The mayor's office has only said... My creation!

They mention me?

Anything about a thief with amazing hair?

If the reports of the superdog are true...

You're a superhero. You're a hairy, four-legged superhero.

You know what? You're like Superman with a flea collar.

No, no. No, I'm not.

You saved those people.

I know, and it felt good.

But I can't do this. Someone's gonna recognize me and take me back.

Take you back?

Uh... take me back to normal. Turn you back to normal.

I know. You ever read comic books?

Huh?

Look, it's just a normal guy.

He puts on a cape, takes off the glasses, and he's a superhero.

And people fall for that stuff? Yeah.

You're a mild-mannered dog and that's your secret identity.

All you need is a costume.

Well, as long as I don't look ridiculous.

Am I standing? I can't feel my legs.

You're "Bumbledog." Hey, whoa. No stripes.

They make me look fat.

Who am I supposed to be, Sherlock Bones?

Count Dogula?

OK. This is why dogs bite people.

It's perfect. Underdog. Underdog.

Hmm. I like it.

It's my dad's old college sweater.

But we'll need to make it work.

What do I do if your dad's around and I got to...

...you know, take off?

Bark three times. Yeah, OK.

That's going to be our code. You have to bark three times.

Hang on. Do I bark three times or say the word "bark" three times?

Right. Dog bark. Got it. [buzzing]

You know, I think that was "dry clean only."

Ow! Watch the ears.

[straining] It's perfect.

We're still gonna need something else to get people's attention.

You're right. A flying dog in a red sweater isn't enough.

You know, like a catch phrase.

Like, "Up, up and away" or "It's clobbering time."

[police dispatcher] Attention, all patrol units.

We're still looking for a cat burglar last seen on Eighth Avenue.

[panting]

So, you're a cat burglar, huh? Huh?

Well, I'm not really a cat person. Woof.

There's no need to worry. Underdog is furry.

No, that's not it.

[# Plain White T's: "Underdog" Rocks]

Police stations have been flooded with eyewitnesses reporting miraculous feats by this phenomenon who goes by the name Underdog. Whoa!

There's no need for fright. Underdog's got bite.

That's not it either.

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

Now that dude knows how to chase a car.

[man] Ready. Set. Go!

[burping]

Excuse me. Are you gonna eat that?

I wanted to have Underdog on the show tonight, but he's not allowed on the couch. That's a problem.

[laughter]

Ooh.

Man, that kung pao chicken was good.

[meowing]

Don't tell your cat buddies about this because I have a reputation to uphold.

Freak. Yup, I thought that was you.

There's no need to fear. Underdog is here.

Hey, that's pretty good. I think I'll keep that one.

By executive order, I proclaim today "Underdog Day" in Capitol City.

I would also like to invite Underdog down to the capitol, provided he's housebroken, that is.

Speak. Speak.

What do you want me to say?

Not you.

Come on. Come on. I know you can do it.

[barks] English.

[slurps] [groans]

[whimpers] Get rid of him.

[Barsinister groaning]

That should be me on the front page, not that stupid mutt.

I need a sample of his DNA.

How do you look in a dress?

[in high-pitched voice] Somebody, help me!

[whimpering]

[man] Hey. [woman] Oh, my gosh.

[man] What's going on there? [crowd murmuring]

Help me! Help me! I'm a clumsy old woman!

I thought my window was a door!

There's no need to fear.

Underdog is... moving too fast.

[screaming] [crowd screaming]

I seriously need to work on my landing.

[screaming]

When old ladies are falling, I'm not slow.

It's hip-hip-hip, and away I go.

[relieved voices]

[man] Way to go, Underdog!

You're safe now, ma'am.

And, in the future, try to stay away from open windows.

Lovely pup. I'm so grateful. A little treat for you.

Yes. It's called a choke chain.

What's the matter, doggy? Can't breathe?

Hey, it's you. Let's go.

As soon as I knew it was Cad, I took him for a walk.

Whoa!

Ohhh!

Burns! My parts! Heel, dog!

Please heel! Burns!


You slack-jawed, mouth-breathing imbecile!

I should have put strychnine in your chocolate milk months ago.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't dispose of you right now!

Well, uh... I got this.

My first collar ever, and I lose it to some guy in a dress.

I sat there hoping Jack wouldn't ask about it.

Where's your collar?

My collar? Yeah.

Oh, um, it must have fallen off.

Kicking butt and taking names, huh?

No, just barking at myself in the mirror.

I'll tell you, it never gets old.

We're gonna go meet Molly and Polly at the library.

Cool. A double date.

It's not exactly a date. Whatever.

But when I give you "the look," make yourself scarce so I can make my move.

Your move? You have a move?

I use my paws and drag my butt on the ground.

Chicks dig that. OK.

Hey, nice beagle.

Just like Underdog, huh? Underdog? Him?

No, no. Only thing strong about this dog is his breath.

Hmm? Sure looks like Underdog.

Hey. Sorry.

We need to work on your identity.

OK, as long as I don't look ridiculous.

I look ridiculous.

It makes you look taller. That's a good thing.

Hey, speed bump. You survived.

Let me guess. You went for satellite instead of cable.

[dogs laughing] Put a muzzle on it.

What's the matter, runt?

You let your girlfriend do the talking for you?

Maybe you can't hear me.

[barking] [whimpering]

So, if you ever want to be with a real dog, give me a sniff.

You're a real player, boss. Let's go, fellas.

We showed him, huh, boss? What do you mean, "we?"

Shoeshine, come on. You got to stand up for yourself.

Would Underdog have backed down from that mongrel?

Underdog. Oh, the way his ears flop when he flies, that shimmering coat.

Could you imagine me off leash with Underdog? Hmm.

There isn't a hose cold enough to break that up.

I wish I could meet him.

Well, you know, they say he answers every call for help.

Really?

[Polly] Help. Oh, help.

Help, help.

Help! Hello?

Oh, my.

Where, oh, where can my Underdog be?

Did somebody order a hero? [crashing]

[grunting] Ow!

[groaning] Underdog!

Why, oh, why have you called for help?

I was flying by when I heard you yelp.

Oh. Um...

"Help." Right.

I'm... I'm out of food.

Your bowl is empty, that is true.

Might I have a date with you?

Excuse me. Do you only speak in rhyme?

My rhymes are merely said in fun. OK, I'm done.

[sighs] Good.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Yes, you are.

Uh... you are right about that.

Moon? Stars? The yard? Sorry, what were we looking at again?

It must be so amazing to be you, to be able to go where you want, whenever you want.

I have to always "sit," "stay," "be a good dog."

Well, then, let's be bad dogs.

OK. You ready? Ready for what?

[screaming] Don't worry. I got you.

You OK? Yes.

Oh, I love the feeling of the wind in my fur.

Yeah, I thought you might.

I call it extreme off-leash.

Have you worked up an appetite? Let's see. What's for dinner?

Oh, look. Italian.

OK, hang on! Careful!

[gasps] My doggy bag.

Here we go. The perfect spot for dinner on the fly.

There's only one meatball. Why don't you have it.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm on a diet.

No, I insist.

Uh-oh. [meatball splats]

[meowing]

[Dan] The sewers lead into this drainage into the complex.

If you have access to any of the sewer systems, you can get anywhere in the city.

Even Dr. Barsinister knows that.

[humming]

Oh, hey, Jack. How's it going?

Where have you been all night? I don't sniff and tell.

Hey, Shoeshine. Woof! Woof!

Hey, um, we're going to head to the park.

You know, teach some tricks, do training.

Cool. Mind if I come?

Um, you know, it's probably better if we went alone, because it's good for his concentration.

Son.

You know, we got to try here.

I got to go.

[door opens and shuts]

You know, Jack, that was really nice of your dad.

Why did you blow him off like that? What?

Your dad is reaching out to you, and you keep pushing him away.

I've been pushing everyone away. Maybe it's time to stop.

You're right. I should talk to him about it.

How did you get so smart, anyway?

Genetic engineering. You should try it.

Oh, look! Dad is home.

Where's Jack? Don't worry.

We haven't done anything to him... yet.

Hi. Hey.

So, did you dig anything up about the break-in?

I got a map from my dad. Hey, how's it going?

Shoeshine, you wouldn't believe the date I had last night.

It was so amazing!

[sighs] Yeah, it was. What?

I mean, it was?

Can you keep a secret? I went out with Underdog.

Really? I hear he's shorter in person.

He is not. He's quite strapping and such a charmer.

Hmm.

A drainage pipe? Yeah.

They could've entered directly through the sewers.

I want him back. I want his power.

My dog is not Underdog.

You seem to have a knack for underestimating the exceptional.

You're insane!

I prefer the term "visionary!"

Call your dog or I'll call mine.

Or I'll call mine.

Cad...

Oh, right, the dogs.

Simon says, "Surround the sad ex-cop."

Simon says, "Convince."

[barking]

All right, all right.

Shoeshine!

[Dan] Shoeshine!

Hey, um, I got to go.

[barks three times]

Hey, um, I got to go.

But, Jack, we were...

That is one strange beagle.

What? What is it? It's your dad.

He's in trouble. The guy from the lab got him.

Go to the police station and wait for me.

No. He's my dad. You're not going to go without me.

All right. Fasten your seat belts.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Whoa. Ahh!

Ahhh!

[Jack] Whoo-hoo!

[barking] Shoeshine!

[barking] Shoeshine!

[barking continues]

Shoeshine. Dad!

Easy, tiger. [Dan] Jack!

Jack, what's going on... What's going on here?

"Shoeshine," isn't it?

Or shall I address you by your nom de guerre...

..."Underdog?"

It's "Shoeshine." He can talk?

Yep, Barsinister had me beat.

There was no way I could save both of them.

I'm sorry. Do whatever you want to me. Just let them go.

Wise decision. [chuckling]

Turns out, Barsinister didn't want me. He wanted my DNA.

He took away my super powers and put them in a little blue pill.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

And in this pill, there is the DNA of a regular beagle.

Shoeshine, don't do it! No!

Do you know what the saddest part is?

You actually thought that they loved you.

They only loved the power that I gave you.

No!

[Jack] No, Shoeshine.

Jack! Ahhh!

[whimpering] I didn't... want... anyone...

...to get... hurt. [groaning]

Shoeshine! [whimpers]

[Barsinister] Cad.

Not so tough now, are we, little doggie?

Let's go.

This city is going to pay for what they have done to me. Their doubt.

Their blindness.

Their betrayal.

Simon says, "Heel."

Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

All those powers and I wound up jeopardizing the only thing I cared about, my family.

And while I was stuck down there feeling sorry for myself, Cad and Barsinister had returned to the capitol.

Help! Help us!

[straining]

Jack, that's not going to help.

You got to get untied. [grunts] Forget it.

Jack, don't quit!

Quit? Yeah!

Me? What about you?

You were the best cop in the city and you should be up there stopping Barsinister.

But you quit! You quit the force!

I did quit.

I quit, Jack.

I quit because I didn't want anything to happen to me.

I didn't want to leave you alone.

Jack, we have to get untied.

Now, just back up.

Put your foot on that ledge.

Grab that rope and jump up. There you go!

Come over here and let me untie you.

Sit down.

It's on so tight.

The reason we're down here is me.

All I had to do was just tell you Shoeshine was Underdog.

I'll tell you what you should've told me...

...that you gave my JV baseball sweater away to a superhero!

OK. OK.

[Dan] Grab Shoeshine.

[Jack] Come on, Shoeshine. Come on, boy.

All right, son, let's go.

There has been an overwhelming response, Mr. Mayor.

Good. You've never had this much press.

Make sure they get a good view of the dogs.

[Barsinister] Mr. Mayor.

Do you have time to consider my proposal now?

Holy moly! Barsinister.

[sirens blaring] Start rolling, start rolling.

Move! Go, go, go, go, go!

[crowd chattering]

There. Where's Underdog? [camera shutters clicking]

[woman] I'm at the steps of the capitol building, where on the eve of his press announcement it seems the mayor has been kidnapped.

Now, SWAT has secured the perimeter and we're still waiting to find out more information, any information.


[boy] Come on, hurry up. Let's go.

[indistinct chattering]

[Jack] Excuse me. Trying to get through. Sorry. Pardon me.

[Dan] Excuse me. [boy] Come on. Get Underdog!

[man] Has anyone seen him? [Jack] We're too late.

Now what are we going to do? [man] Where's Underdog?

Please stay back!

[girl] Underdog has to be here somewhere.

[policeman] Everyone, please stay back.

Shoeshine, I don't know if you can understand me right now, but forget about the past.

It doesn't matter if you're Shoeshine or Underdog.

Because I don't care if you can talk or fly.

You brought my family back together.

You're a hero to me.

There I was, a regular old dog again. [sniffing]

I had no idea how to stop Barsinister.

But I did know one thing. I smelled a bomb.

Could I trust my nose again? Could I afford not to?

What are the chances there's a ham strapped to the roof of the capitol building?

[barking]

All right. What are your demands?

A billion dollars from this city's treasury, full immunity from the law and my lab restored so I can continue my research to help the human animal, to chart a new future for the good of mankind.

It was brave of me to charge in there, but pretty dumb not to have a plan.

Was I thinking that a solution was going to fall out of the sky?

[Barsinister] What? Him again?

[dog 1] Mine! [dog 2] No, mine!

[Barsinister] Are you kidding me?

That will teach you to mess with me.

Simon says... "Lunch!"

Don't worry. It will be over in no time.

You're not even big enough to be table scraps.

There's no need to fear. Underdog is here.

Huh? [dog 2] Wait.

How did you...?

Simon says, "Attack."

I would love to stay and chat, but I got to find where the bomb is at.

Whoa. After him!

Liftoff! Make sure he doesn't get outside!

Come back here!

My powers may be back at last, but these German shepherds are too fast.

I'm on your tail!

What is with that dog?

[barks] Huh?

Hey. Hey! [Polly barks]

Help! Oh, no. It's Polly. She's in danger.

Help!

Polly, help me! Get off my trousers!

Help! Help!

You and your boss will never get away with this.

He's not my boss! We're partners!

Then why are you doing this?

Because my partner said he might fire me if I don't!

I got him! I'm getting tired up here.

Gosh! Can I not get a break here?

Idiot dogs. I have to do everything myself.

You get him! Whoo!

Cut him off! Come on!

Uh-oh, no brakes. No brakes!

[dog] Look out!

[Underdog] Whoa. Look out. Whoa!

Wow. [grunts]

And he sticks the landing. Where am I?

Oh, it's you again.

[growling]

[Underdog] You know, I said a lot of things I kind of regret.

I believe that sword belongs to the lady.

Hey, batter, batter. You're no good at all.

Here. You want to play some ball?

Doc, I got you. [grunting]

Cad's hit. Cad's hit.

I'll play your game. It might be a stretch.

Can you resist this?

Simon says, "Fetch!"

Frisbee!

Whoa.

Whoo! Didn't see that coming.

I think I pulled something.

OK. I got to get to that bomb.

[growling] Oh, no. OK.

Come on, guys, uh, we're all dogs here.

Can't we just work this out dog-to-dog?

They're not going to listen to you, Shoeshine.

They're loyal to me. [cackles]

Listen. Why do you even follow his orders?

What does that creep do for you?

Huh? Does he take you for walks? Does he give you treats?

Has he ever once scratched your bellies? Huh?

Just once?

I mean, look, if he was a good boss, he'd be able to get a higher quality sidekick.

[groaning] Hey, I heard that.

You're man's best friend, but is he your best friend?

Has he even given any of you a name?

Of course. My name is Kill.

Hey, I thought I was Kill.

No, you're Attack. No, I'm Attack. He's Maim.

Destroy him! You worthless mutts!

Do you mind, Doc? [dog 2] We're talking over here.

Who's he to call you worthless?

He's got a point.

Our master doesn't value us as sparkling individuals.

Yeah, let's go, Maim and Attack.

It's time to go change teams. What are you doing?

Let's go teach the master a lesson. Bad dogs!

[Underdog] There are no bad dogs, only bad owners.

Don't worry, Doc. This will only hurt a lot.

[growling]

Do you actually think you can stop me, runt?

[electronic beeping on watch and on bomb]

Help!

You have two minutes before a bomb explodes over Capitol City, dispensing a DNA cocktail that will make every citizen as obedient to me as a common dog.

Hold him until the cops get here.

[dog] Easy, Doc.

[dog 2] You're just gonna hurt yourself.

[dog 3] Now who's the boss?

[bomb beeping] Help!

Jack, we don't have much time.

I know where the bomb is. How did you...?

I'd love to chat, but I got to get dressed for work.

Sir? Sir?

Sir? Sir?

Jack, come on. I'm a cop.

Mr. Mayor, are you OK? I'm a cop. You got to let me through.

Mr. Mayor. Are you all right?

Let me handle Barsinister. I know what he's doing.

Not now. Police business. I know...

This man is no longer on the force! Pipe down, Chief!

You're reinstated. You're promoted. Do whatever you have to do.

[growling]

Look who they decided to send up, the hero idiot.

I prefer the term "visionary." Oh!

Dan gave Simon a taste of his own medicine, and not the fruity, cherry-flavored kind, but the bitter, hard-to-swallow medicine.

As he walked down those mighty steps, Dan was a new man.

A cop. A hero. And a father to a proud son.

Help me! Please, help! Somebody, help me!

Help!

Huh? Underdog.

How many other flying dogs in red sweaters do you know?

Underdog, I just knew you would come.

Quick, there's not much time. Take the vial to the police.

You got it. Don't drop it.

Look! It's Underdog!

[policeman] Stand back! Stand back!

[bomb beeping]


[rapid beeping]

[screaming]


Mission Control, removal of the thermal blankets from the MBS is successful.

Hey. Houston, we have a beagle.

Hot! Hot! Hot! Ow. That burns!

Ahh!

Look, up there.

[explosion]

Oh.

Oh, God.

[sobbing]

Dad.

[continues sobbing]

[groaning] Jack. Shoeshine.

Shh! Jack, call me "Underdog."

Oh, man. That was by far my worst landing ever.

[crowd cheering]

Well, I guess I'll see you around, Underdog.

Yeah, see you around, kid.

You're going to love solitary, Doc.

My isolation will be nothing more than an enclave in which I can focus my intellectual powers upon the task of wreaking my vengeance on that pathetic house pet, Underdog.

You know what?

Solitary is a relative term, Doc.

Meet your new roommate.

Hey! I took the top bunk.

I thought it would be too paradoxical for you.

No, you can't do this to me. Yes, I can. I just did.

Noo!

...then Underdog ran out with the bomb and buried it farther than any bone has ever been buried!

Sounds like I missed all the excitement.

Oh, yeah, you did. Hey! What happened to your tail?

Oh, uh, it got burnt reentering the atmosphere.

[laughing] Shoeshine, where do you come up with this stuff?

[woman] Help! Somebody, please help me!

Excuse me a moment. Ha.

[barking]

[barks three times]

Excuse me just for one moment.

You see, some heroes are born, destined for greatness.

Others are made.

Everyday men and women, and, yes, dogs, who rise up in times of crisis, no matter how high the odds are stacked against them.

These are the heroes we all have inside us.

These are the underdogs.

[Riff Raff] Look, it's Speed Bump. You again?

Runt, are you still hard of hearing?

Yeah, hello? I told you to stay away.

Listen, I'm in a hurry. Don't mess with me.

[laughing] He's just like all little dogs.

All bark, no bite.

I do not bite. Yes, that is true.

But see what my bark will do to you.

Huh? That's just bad rapping, dog.

[loud bark]

Whoa! [shivering]

Ooh, I didn't need to see that.

Boss, you're so pink. It's very becoming.

Ahhh! I'm naked. I'm naked!

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's a frog. [all] A frog?

Not bird, nor plane, nor even frog.

It's just little old me, Underdog!

[cheering]

[man] Scene two-o-seven. Take 27.

[man 2] And... action!

There's no need to fear, underwear is...

I'm sorry, did I just say "underwear?"

Do it again. Please cut that out of the movie.

Take 21. Action!

There's no need to...

Wait, what is there no need to?

Script Supervisor, what's the line?

Whoa!

What's my motivation again?

[man] Uh, you're a superhero.

Oh. Hey!

Action! Can I get an ice pack?

Whoa.

Somebody moved the floor. [giggling] Nice.

Ow!

Take 25.

Who's stepping on my cape? Cut!

There's no need to fear, Underdog is here!

Cut! I'll be in my trailer.

[# Kyle Massey: "Underdog" Raps]


[man laughing] He's here!