Unicorn City (2012) Script

You are my fever A heat beneath my bones, I won't escape it My skin's as thin as those who've come before All those that suffer for the greater good

You are my temptress Why can't you see that I am working Stop bothering me And take the key in case you need to come back And I can smell what you're cooking I'm nearly torn from the moment By the rattle you make And I'm walkin' through feelings that you love me But just because I can hear you doesn't mean I can't sleep And you wanna believe that you can tempt me No, no, no Oh, oh, oh I don't need it, I can identify Oh, oh, I'll just break it as you ought to reply And you're walking through feelings I will remind you that this body will keep And I wanna believe that you can tempt me And I wanna believe that you can tempt me And I wanna believe that you can tempt me No, no, no, no

No, you cannot graft the thumbs of a dead orc onto your paws Just so you can hold a sword.

Is it not conceivable that I would have at least a half thumb From my grandmother's recessive gene?

Tygraxamus, you can't have a sword.

This is stupid. Weak.

Guys, this bickering is totally ruining my suspension of disbelief.

I mean, you lure me into a barnyard of the coveted brain juice Just to corner me with these bloodsucking bovines.

And your problem is?

Spontaneously growing appendages in the middle of the campaign Disrupts my story's delicate balance.

Frickin' puss 'n boots carries a sword.

I warned you months ago the ills of selecting A feline digitagrade as your character.

You're killin' the game, Shadow Hawk. Clancy, I'll protect you.

We're eatin' veal tonight. Who's with me?

I'd follow you anywhere, my liege. Epic.

With the song of old, I, Magmald Teufelschlager, Will protect you from their mind control.

Sing with me. Aah...

Voss, you can't do that. I can't do what?

Sing. You have no vocal cords.

I'm a bardladin, okay? Slaying and singing is what I do.

You are a wandering phantom trapped in the astral plane.

You've cut the umbilical cord that tethered your soul to the mortal world.

Your body is back at the glen. I didn't cut my cord.

Pat, did I cut my cord? No cords were cut.

You tried sharpening your sword on it.

No, I wasn't.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Yep. Yep. No, there was no sharpening.

Yep. Yep. You're having a senior moment!

Personal attacks. Very mature.

Every time Magmald defies one of your lame monsters, Your reap vengeance on a member of the guild.

And you're creating monsters that don't even exist in the known universe.

Release Moon-Strider from the pale ruby.

Let me come down from the astral plane.

Give Tygraxamus some thumbs! Yeah!

May I remind you, it's "D of D"...

"Dawn of days"... My game, my creation!

If you don't like it, Voss, Why don't you go join another guild?!

But stop picking apart my narrative in some desperate attempt for attention!


Three hundred dollars?

Come on, Gary, I can get a couple of pristine plastic tables for 20 bucks.

Mr. Gary says this is for punitive damages For the other times you popped your lid and scared customers away.

Personally, I think it's pretty gracious Considering he could press charges.

Why does he have my sword? To ensure that Mr. Gary is paid in full.

Or you could take a ride.

Oh, that sucks.

What's worse is he's never gonna last in prison, Not with a pretty face like that.

Oh, that's Pat-Pat. I gotta go.

I'll talk to you later. I'll think positive. Tell me what happens.


You've been wearing my magnets. I can tell.

Your complexion is less...


Admit it. The therapy works.

Uh, yeah. Thanks for... letting me use them.

Oh, stay your hand.

Have you tried sleeping with them?

I find my dreams change color depending on where I place them.

I'm leaving.


My freakin' hard drive. Oh!

Oh, man!


So, how was working with your brother?

I don't know. Maybe it's coming from the gaming industry To, uh, food service, but I can't do it.

You know, they don't even have benefits?

You're gonna have to get a job at some point, right?

You can come work at Digicert with me.

Oh, no, actually, I have my interview with Warlocks of the Beach, So...

Warlocks of the... Of the Beach?

Yeah, that's the one that's gonna take you to Seattle?

Yeah. And that's... This is a good thing.

This is great... for you. This is your dream.

Yeah. I'm gonna sell 'em on my new ideas for that gaming scenario.

I figure it's time for me to move up, so...

And that's it. Oh...

Um, I'll see ya tomorrow.

You know what? Actually, um, I have some good news of my own.

Did you know that I've been dating someone online?

Yeah, I remember.

Oh. You... You do. Okay, well...

I wanted to show you.

His name is Tanick Stormblade.

He's a rogue, huh? Those are sweet heroic shoulder pads.

Yeah, when we melee together, it's like we've done so in a former life.

As you can imagine, our relationship is very special, And so after months of online courtship, I feel his intentions are noble...

And so tomorrow we're meeting for hoagies.

Sweet. Be careful.

I... I will.

But if he does the same thing Samantha did...

You and Samantha broke up?

Yeah. She said she wanted somebody more responsible.

I am... I'm so sorry about that.

I... I'm so sorry... to hear that.

Let's... Do you want to talk about this? Nope.

But hey, if Tanick hurts you, let me know, I'll find his character online and kick its ass.

Thank you... Voss.

The most important lesson in life Is that you are what you pretend to be.

Did you pull that out of a fortune cookie?

It's the secret to surviving this world.

You want to be a knight, pretend you're a knight And live by their code and think like one.

And in the end, you ARE a knight.

Well, I'm just tired of wasting my life, Not being productive.

You're not gonna be out there just, like, doing...

Oh, hey. Where's Voss?

He's not... I will break your liver.

You didn't show up at the taco shop.

Aaah! Clancy!

You said that your unemployment would help me pay the rent...

Ow!!!! And then you told me that you'd have a job, What was that, five, six months ago?

Ow! Ow!

I'm sensing a pattern here. I don't like it.

Ow! I have my meeting with Warlocks at the Beach, all right?!

I'm not going smelling like a fish taco!

Now, this is a new choke hold I learned tonight from Jackson the mighty.

It's a ballet of violence, brother...

A ballet of violence.

Unh! Pliee.... Sashay...

I have my interview tomorrow!

You tellin' me the truth? Yeah?

'Cause if you're lying, then you're out of here, bro.

Why don't you choke Clancy anymore?

Because Clancy participates, helps me pay the rent.

And look at him...

Can't handle my rhythm.

Right, Clance? Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.


I held out for twice that long.

Tapping is for suckers.

What'd you guys eat? Bok Choy.

Bok Choy?

Hey. Hey, bro.



Hey. Hey.

Hey, there he is.

Hey... do you feel all tingly?


I love that.

Yah! Yah!



I have to tell you something serious.

I haven't been honest...

About my feelings.

I'm in love with someone else.

Very real.

Okay. Um, I'm sorry That I led you on At the Tavern of the Green Dragon.

It's not you. It's me.

We can still... fight together, Just... not as often.

Tanick. Tanick.


Ohh! Yah!



I'm an awful person.


What's wrong?

I want to create a love interest for Rashanna To experience for the duration of this campaign, And I really like the idea of her falling in love with your character.

And I've already created a backstory How she lost her husband to a freak white dragon accident And is now in tremendous mental turmoil Because of her sudden rebound, So she's very vulnerable And she needs somebody to protect her.

But Magmald went celibate.

We can work around that.

Handwritten resumé.

Never seen one in calligraphy.


You realize this job requires you to move to our headquarters in Seattle?

I'm not at liberty to tell you too much about the project Other than it's an A.R.G., Alternative Reality Game, A blend of online and offline gaming. Epic.

The game director position is not gonna be an easy one.

You are gonna have to manage a team of over 15 people And... I'm not seeing anything on your resumé.

Look, I'm, uh, I'm the leader of a... of a guild.

My main character actually has a full set Of fifth tier heroic level- Yeah.

I've also spent more than 3900 hours... Look...

I've seen over 50 people for this position, And they're all saying the same thing over and over again.

Tier five... If you want this job, You need to stand out and prove to me that you're the complete package.

Gamer? Yeah.


I can lead people, sir.

Look, I'm not gonna make a decision for another week.

Can you put together something in the next day or two That will prove to me that you can lead people?


I look forward to seeing what you bring back.

Me too.

Why can't I do that?

It doesn't make any sense.

Why can't I go through the high plains pass?

Voss, it's your brother! You were supposed to be here 17 minutes ago!

Where are you?! If you are not here in five minutes, I swear to you I am doubling your rent, And if I see you, I will choke you out!

It wasn't snowing. What the hell are you talkin' about?!

You said it was fall, not winter!

Well, let's see. The turtlebuds haven't bloomed yet, All the rabbits have gone south, ss well as the plains wolves, Which is the only food source for the Beast Lord.

So that would make it, I think... Uh, yeah... Winter.

It's bullcrap.

Bullcrap! Right?

Right? Am I right? Hi.

Right? Right? Yeah!

Come on, fantasy pants, what are you gonna change now?

I'm incredibly unsatisfied with the particular inconsistencies of this game.

I'm just sayin'.

I have a vote I'd like to bring before the guild.

I have a lot of friends that would like to join this game, But unfortunately, it sucks three things:

Turkey balls, troll, and ass.

I would like to propose that I become the new game master And manage the rest of this campaign.

I can promise you by next friday We'll have at least a dozen new people involved.

That includes healers.

Who agrees?

It's settled, then. I'll run the guild this week.

This is my campaign.

No, it's not! We took a vote!


It's the role-Playing. My character's a barbarian, Has some control issues.



I think I could give it a go under one condition:

That you...

Destroy... the Beast Lord.

Bring it, weak sauce.

And if you lose, Magmald dies, Never to be resurrected, And you have to leave the guild forever.

Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Let's do it.

Fine. Do it.

I cast righteous indignation.

That's a 15-Foot barrier of protection against projectiles.

I'll also be drinking my potion of bull strength.

Don't forget fire. Resistance to fire.

I come down from the astral plane...

Which I was never in...

Ah ah... Ah...

And raise my sword to heronius, Adding plus-Three to my hit and damage.

Yes, yes, yes. Well...

That's... pretty hot stuff.

Why don't you roll a saving throw Against the Beast Lord's psyonic death stare while you're at it?

Come on, man! When did the Beast Lord get psyonics?!

When he was a baby Beast Lord?

Whatever. Let's do this.

A critical failure.

Unless you roll something greater than eight, you will die.

Thank you.

Five, five, five, five, five.

Well... the dice don't lie.

It's just a game.

What, your pegasus get ringworm?

Have to be put down?

Shut up.





I was born in the wrong universe.

Phhht. That...

Was horrible.

This is a play about forbidden love.

It's in the words.

Feel it in your loins.

Yes, sir.

Let's try again, shall we? Yes, sir.

Okay. Places. Okay, yeah.



Four ages shall pass...

But I will be patient...

Hoping for the day When I shall again see you face-To-Face...

My darling little sushi roll.

Our love shall be Like a disgraced samurai... yes? What?

Impaled with his own sword. Oh.

Well... Everyone out.

Off the stage! Let's go.


Of all the invitations I've given you, For what reason do you grace this pleasant stage?

After we find the brain juice, What if Rashanna goes to the hills of monyar And finds a rod of resurrection to bring Magmald back?

That would divert too much attention from the narrative.

More important than Voss's tattered ego Is that you've come to see my play.

It's an unlikely love story About a woman...

Who loves a man.

Is there... Is there anything that the guild can do for Voss?

The only ointment for someone feeling sorry for themselves, my darling, Is to help them realize that they suck.

Morning, sunshine. What happened with that interview?

It's really close between me and one other guy.

I got you set up monday morning. Taco shop. Be there.

It's Marsha.


Hey, Marsha.

Would you like to come over for breakfast chicken?


I made you something.

It's a cape, and, uh, it has flannel on the inside So it can double as a blanket and keep you warm.

Oh. Thank you, Marsha.


Oh, wow.


He's... total...

He's here. This is so unexpectedly awesome.

This is so great.

That's a pretty dress. Thanks.


I think that we should start our very own campaign.

Um, I was mulling some story points around just this morning.

"a wicked hobgoblin king

"Enslaves a village of egg-Laying gnomes, Forcing them to hard labor and into the swamps."

I mean, I could see our combined sacrifice to save them As being just shy of legendary.

And also, the...

Love interest idea, which I mentioned the other day, Between Magmald and Rashanna...

Could easily be folded into this plot line, Which I think is necessary.

I don't get what a surface-Dwelling hobgoblin has to do with the svirfneblin.

I'm glad you said something.

I think Clancy's just trying to say that You can't up and willy-Nilly a campaign together.

I know. I mean, right. I... I guess I was just thinking That the entire guild would abandon Shadow Hawk if...

If they knew that you were creating your own new guild.

I mean, they've always trusted your leadership in the game, so why wouldn't they trust you in real life?

But that's stupid.

It's for monkey brains, and... unless...


Do you need the Heimlich?


Yeah. Uh-Huh, yeah. Yeah? Okay!


I figured out how I'm gonna get the job at warlock.

I'm gonna create a land of magic and wonder.

I'm gonna show 'em how I can handle a group of six or...

Sixteen people in an out-Of-The-Box kind of way.


And I need you to document everything.

I need you to take notes and... And film...

O-Okay. I'll get the guild on the phone, I'll tell 'em exactly what we're doing. I love that. No, I hate that.

Because they can't know I'm doing it for a job, They won't be themselves. Oh, right.

So I have to tell them... what, then?

I'm creating a utopia for gamers.

Oh, I love that.

Excellent. Call the guild.


What up, doc? Hold for Voss.

Oh, hey, Marsh. What's up?

Patty melt! What's up, buddy?

Angie and I are just biting into frozen yogurt.

Uh, yeah, I need you to meet me at the corner of state and fourth With your tent, your gear, and Angie.

Why? What for, man? Just do it! Doesn't matter why.

Why didn't you guys wait for me?

Waffle and wok, this is Rhubarb. Rhubarb, I got somethin' big, something epic going on, ginormous. I'm gonna need you.

What's goin' down?

Hello? Dude, I can't play on the phone.

I gotta clean...

I don't want to!

And I got customers. Who is that?

Who's with you?

You're breakin' up.

No, uh, I distinctly heard somebody in the background.

Come again? It's Shadow Hawk, isn't it?

You got a crappy phone.

You're hanging with sh... Hello?

I'm losing you, man.

Well, he's not invited, so ditch him.

No, really.

Who is that?

I totally forgot I volunteered to help this old lady Who lost some toes in a battle...

With diabetes?

It's sad.

I gotta go. Text me.


I'm gonna change and get my stuff, okay?

Check it.

It sought me out. It's my holy avenger.

Open the back.

Do it.

Dude, where's Clancy going?

And where's your outfit, man?

Don't worry about it, Pat man, all right? Taking care of business.

My mom wants me back by seven.

Hey, where we're going, you don't need a mom.

Sweet. You gettin' this?

Wait. Wait.

That's it, nice, slow pan, Okay, into the zoom, just a single...

So get on this harp And get on the sun Get on this train and watch it roll Downhill, downhill, downhill

You're losing your life, you're losing control You're losing your brain with the rock and roll...

You have just entered a new realm.

You are now quite literally your characters.

You will act like your characters, You will be your characters, And through them, we shall create a utopia.

You are now in unk-Tar town, A small fishing village on the shores of the deserted sea.

Carrion birds circle above...

And then we look down.

We are standing among what appears to be Two dozen human remains.

Their intestines scattered, holes in their skulls, And black scarring on their faces.

Infamous skull ciphers.






Ohh! Whoa!


Arm yourselves!

Form up!

You primordial maggot pukes!

It was foolish of you to think that you could claim my spoils.

Now I shall devour you!


I'm hit! Kill me! Kill me!

Bring everything with you. Oh!

Come on, get in there! Kill! Kill!

Come on, everybody! Focus! Whoo!

Insolent wimps, all of you! Go for the lips!

Nerf gun! Don't! Ohh! Crap!

Split up!

That's it! Together now!

Dang it.


Go for the lips!


The assassin!

No! No!!!

I'll take 40 acid damage, Marsha.

Everybody fall back!

Launch the magic missile!

Magic missile... Not yet!

Now! Magic missile!

We are no longer heroes of the imagination.

We are taking this adventure to the next level.

Tell everyone you know.

And welcome... to unicorn city.

This is it. This is everybody we know?

Where's Gary and trevor?

Um, well, Gary had jury duty, And trevor's mom said that our camp is satanic.

So... whatever.

Hold, please.

Next. Name and former life?

Hi. My name is kathy. I work in whole foods.

My character's name is Tearsumina, And my powers are somewhere in the field of... seduction.

You're a succubus, huh?

Should we be inviting evil into the camp?



Once you go centaur...

Yeah, we know.


What took you so long? Nice map, ace.

Listen, I had trouble with the chassis. I had to go to the store.

Someone followed me. Shadow Hawk.

A-N-T, baby, a-N-T.


"Ain't no thing."

Circled back, lost him in, like, women's apparel Or canned foods.

You gotta trust the ruby, baby.

We're all good. So what's the haps out here?

We gonna party or what?

Congregate, get together, Gather up.

Everyone's together, But I've already received eight complaints about...

Quargooz's codpiece, and... Okay, I could see it.

I'm gonna go ahead and take care of that in private.

Thank you.

Okay. Um...

Before we send out the npcs...

I have some business to take care of.

Rhubarb. I'm listening.

I think we all learned some things from the treasure hunt....

And now it's time to take things to the next level.

Unicorn city is an intricate web of equal opportunity disciplines and rules Based on an extremely fair role-Playing system.

You can find these rules on page four of your citizenship manual.

You will also see that there is an area for you to draw a picture of your character...

Which Marsha will evaluate at a later time for possible experience points.

You can also show your support for unicorn city Through a tax-Deductible pledge.

And Voss, I would like to donate, to unicorn city, a dollar.

Oh, my gosh, Marsha, now we know how much it means to you.

Make sure that gets all the way around.

Our first order of action is to see how well you handle my leadership Under a threat level of one.

This shouldn't be too difficult, people, so let's stay focused.

Friend of the forest! What's wrong?

It was terrible, terrible.

It moved so fast we never saw it.

Oh, my wife and children. Oh, the carnage.

We shall avenge your pain.

Everyone find your buddy. Move out calmly.

Stay in a nice orderly fashion.

Since I've submitted to all of this, Will you be my buddy? Yeah, sure.

Who took the dollar?!

Hey, Voss, will you deduct XP if I stay?

You will not lose any experience points.

In face, I will award you 200 points regarding the encampment And any trash you might pick up.

Let's do this!


Mmm! Mmm!


Arggh! Down!

This is so exciting!




I guess I tripped.

Marsha, are you crazy?

She needs some room.

Come on.

As bardladin I sing, Life, back to your life Spirit back to its shell Tearsumina Be you well okay.

Somebody cast a spell to offset the temporary effects of death.

Bzzzzt. This was a failure.

Clodnar, contact the mpcs.

We're returning to camp.

"in rural areas, automobiles...

Kill more deer than hunters." False!


Because that sentence is an example of a dangling modifier.

Ten out of ten on grammar. Yes!

With my default student loan status cleared up, I'm in this time!

The highway patrol will be compelled to have me!

Bogie! 12 o'clock!

Eleven o'clock, ten o'clock, nine o'clock, eight o'clock!

You see that? Saw it.

What are you doing out here?

Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Just... Just walking.

Are you alone?

Just me.



Um, I'm positive, I'm pretty sure, that Moon-Strider is missing.


I need a tracker!


Moon-Strider is missing.

I'm on it.

Great. I have lost a 25-Year-Old german.

Please don't make note of that.

These are Moon-Strider's prints all right, But there's two other sets over there.

Which means he pansied out and his mom and dad came and got him.

What a wuss.

And what, left his allegiance cards back at camp?

I don't think so.

Okay, so then he was abducted?

It was the same cops that took your sword at hastur's.

And then what? I have to pay $150 for loitering.

My mother's gonna kill me.

Do they know the rest of us are here?

No, because... I lied.

It was a noble lie.

One hundred experience points for Moon-Strider's lie.

You got it.

Okay, I think we should move the camp. No, all we need is surveillance.

Okay, that's what we're gonna do. "Surveillance."

Who has night vision?

How powerful is it?

Okay. Yeah, that's great.

Okay, listen to me.

One blow for "danger," two blows for "all clear."


We are screwed.

Did you just see how he ran?

That was... I've never seen anything like that, really.

I guess... I just...

I don't know exactly what it is, I mean, I know this city means everything to him, And he's got that job, and he's gonna...

I get that... What job?

Um... the job where...

The job... The job where he's the leader of this... This camp.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm just saying, I feel like I should quit because he doesn't need me.

Ohh. Marsha, why are you always, "unhh," every time?

I don't "unhh" every time. Yes, you do.

You just need to get out of your comfort zone And you need to do something risky.


Do you even really want to be with him?

Then do you trust me? Yeah.

Okay. Are you willing to do exactly what I tell you to do?




It has been brought to my attention That while Rhubarb was out in the trees taking care of business, Someone took his better half for a little joyride and flattened a tire.

Shame on you.

Shame. On. You.

On page three of your manuals, it clearly states unless you are a thief Or have at least seven thieving skill points, You are not allowed to steal.

If you are caught doing so, you will be sent home.

We are not the undead, people, so let's not act like it.


Whoo! Ugh.

Yeah! Whoo!


That was so stupid! No, no, it was amazing! You did so great.

I'm definitely leaving now. Did you even see yourself?

Okay, so Voss is coming. Just be mean. Tell him that you hate him.

What? What? Oh, my gosh.

Hey, that was, um...

It was really... different.

Did, uh, did Angie put you up to that?

Oh. Hey, Voss.

Um, so, quargooz called his cousins, And we're gonna have, like, a huge influx of gamers tomorrow.

I thought maybe you knew somebody who knew somebody That knew someone that worked at one of the news stations maybe?

Yeah. Mm-Hmm. Maybe.

I mean, I don't know. Whatever.

Okay, cool.

I broke up with Tanick Stormblade.

Um... sorry.

I'm not.

Okay. Um, look, it's...

It's freezing.

Why don't you come back to the fire?

I'm sorry.

No, I... Yeah, I'm sorry. That was stupid.

That was my bad. I don't even know...

You okay? Sorry!

I'm an idiot.

How do I look? Great.

Um, Pat was asking about a meal plan. I don't know...

I need you to stand right about here. Get a picture of me shaking their hands.

You got it.

So I hear you two were kissing last night.

Oh... sorry.

It's okay. Welcome to unicorn city.

Ah, yes. Unicrap city.

Hmm. Looks just like the brochure.

What are you doing here? Hmm?

Shadow Hawk looks like a pimp.

Did you tell him what I was doing out here?

No. No, of course not.

Ah... the land.

Where's Rhubarb?

Is anybody hungry? We have flapjacks on the grill!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going, clodnar?

No, no, no, no. You're gonna finish digging your section of the moat.

Oh, it's yummy!

Nobody moves.

We have swine on the spit.

Turkey swine, but swine nonetheless.

You lost him in canned foods?

You led him straight to our camp!

I'm going potty!

Hit the sod! Cops!

And why in heronius's name did you tell everyone about us kissing?

I didn't. I swear I... I didn't.

Well, how does Clancy know?

Well, uh, Angie. Angie! That's great.

How am I supposed to manage people If they all think I'm trying to scam on the citizens?

Which I'm not, 'cause that wouldn't be a safe working environment.

Well, it doesn't matter if you like me, does it? I mean...

Can we just stay focused on the goal? Which is to get me a job, remember?

Right. Right.

So... just stay focused.

Well, you don't have to be so mean about it.


I'm sorry.

Like another pancake up there?

Come one, come all!

There's nothing like a spot of food in the morning, eh?

Grace us with your presence while we grace you with our food.

How many more of those do you have?

Enough. What's in it for me?

This is utopia, brother. We're supposed to share everything.

And? I got a buck.

That ain't gonna cut it.

Nothing in this world's free, man. Nothin'.



All rightie.

How many do you want? Nine.

We'll start with two. See me later.

Get down! Everybody down!


Hi! I'm looking for... Voss.

Is he here? Uh, I'm Voss.

Kay crossland. Channel four news.

I want to do a special on the nine o'clock spot this evening.

Do you have time for a brief interview?

Absolutely! Good.

The axis one day, The psychic universe, Where it's as if it works on a cosmic level, Every planet pulling the energy from this very unicorn...

Great. That's just great.

So, how would you state that for the layman?

I wouldn't. If you don't understand that, you're probably not a gamer And shouldn't be coming to the 'corn. Okay!

I think we're ready for the money shot.

Uh, I could have the guild make a little pyramid...

Be about there. Something bigger.

Like you standing triumphantly on a mountaintop.


I'm this close to getting that job. I wish I could go with you.

Listen, I need you to be thinking of a way to get Shadow Hawk out of here Before I get back. All right, yeah, yeah.

Voss. Um...

I, uh...

That's your good side.

All right. Well, I'll see ya.

She said I should come along, Maybe use me for some shots.

Oh, boy, we are really burning daylight.

Okay, that's our mountain up there, And let's just blaze a trail Right up to that tree.

Okay, let's go! Hut, hut, hike!

Hup, hup, hup! Let's go! All right! Hurry!

Bob, prep the camera. I gotta get my notes.

How did we not see that coming?

We're such idiots, man.

Like, there were no channel numbers on the van.

And then we got in, they're like, "hey, you want some candy?"

And then we're like, "sure! Take us to an undisclosed location and dump our bodies."

And then, like, you, you're all serious...

Shut up! All right? Shut up! I get it!

You shut up. You know what?

When we get back I want you to get your crap and get out of the city, You're banished to the apartment.

Okay, good. Because this is stupid city!

Yeah, so go. It's hot, and it's... It's...

It's gross... Yeah. Run!

Run, little kitty, be free! I will!

Okay, great! And I'll be free with my sword!

Don't touch it! It's my sword!

Do not touch the sword! Because you stole it!

Stop it! You...

Oh, do it. Oh, I... I would love for you to do that again.

Don't... Don't... Sword...


Shut up!


Get up.

Why don't you be a man? That's it!

You got it now... Why don't you be a man?!

I heard my throat crunch.

Clancy, come back, man. I'm sorry!

Uhh! Where's Clancy?

You're the only one who stayed.

We're the last ones. Not exactly.

Um, gunight actually is still here.

What's up, dude... Ohh! Yeah.

When we were running low on t.P., he improvised, And we think it's poison oak. What should we do?

I don't know. Let it air out.

I'm gonna go kill Shadow Hawk.

I talked to him about that, And he said he wasn't involved. So I...

I imagine anyone else who would leave me in the desert to die For his own amusement. You don't want to kill anyone.

You don't want to make a fool out of yourself.

Ohh! Ow!

Oh, my gosh! Are you okay? Stupid mole!

Oh, darny-Darn it!

Are you okay? Seriously, what's wrong?

No, let me see it. Are you okay?

Are you okay?

It looked like it really hurt.

I mean, you really twisted it.

Can I do anything?

I learned at girls' camp you shouldn't take your shoe off.

And maybe we should elevate it?

I'd be more than happy to help bind it, or... or hold it up.


Where are you? Are you okay?

It's probably really throbbing.

Milady Rashanna.

A challenge has been made fFor the leadership of unicron city.

It's unicorn. Whoever wins the challenge, Shall be the leader.

Whoever loses...

Shall be the loser... and may never come back again.

Agreed? Aye!

I'm gonna club you like a baby seal.

Since you extended the challenge, Voss, I choose the weapon.

I choose wit.

What? A battle of wits.

Wits is not a weapon. The tongue is mightier than the sword.

Bullcrap! We're gonna do this like men and beat the hell out of each other!

Under the code of the bardlidans, to which you are bound, I may choose the weapon...

And it doesn't state what manner of weapon.

Am I right, Marsha?

I shall throw down the gauntlet and go first.

A troll and an elf are walking down a pebbled path together.

Oh, no. Story problems.

The troll is carrying 20 pounds of pastries;

The elf has a bundle of sticks weighing 50 pounds.

Which one will get to the end first? You have ten seconds.

Tick, tock...

Tick tock, tick...


The troll! Because the troll would eat the elf!

Wrong. Both... Because the elf is in the troll.

No, it's the troll! Let's just assume That story problems are beyond your cranial capacity, And we'll move into the ancient art of maternal insults, Shall we?

Your mother...

Smokes troll malarkey in a corncob pipe.

Your mom...

Dated a dragon.


I win!

Now it's time for you to go home Walk home, walk home you would all give up your honor For pancakes and couple of orcs!

No, Voss!


Hold him back!

As rightful leader of unicron city, I will enact righteous judgment that Voss be banished!

Do any oppose?


Are you all right?

Walk away, Voss.

Walk away in shame!



Magmald and Rashanna's love can endure this.

Magmald and Rashanna?

This is over.

This was a game to get a job, And it failed.

I know this is a game, Voss, I'm not...

I'm talking about us. We're not a game.

I don't know what you're trying to start between us through our characters, But it's not gonna work, okay?

We're not gonna live happily ever after.

I'm not your knight, I'm not gonna save you.

What about our kiss?

Our... Our kiss was part of all this magic and wonder.

So... so you were just playing a part?


It didn't mean anything?


Do me a favor.

The next time that you see your character, Tell him that I think he's an ass!

I just think I need to leave.

Marsha, you are in no condition to walk miles back to town.

You suffered blunt-Force trauma! I need to leave. I just...

No. Marsha, you stood directly in front of that pipe Which was aimed at me.

How many fingers am I holding up? Two.

You see? I was holding up one.

Now, please allow me to return the favor.

Hmm? I have a cold pack inside which we can apply, And it'll help to bring down the swelling.

Come! Okay.

Well... It's very cold.

Really cold? Ice cold.

Ohh. Okay.

Aaah! That's it, bro.

I gave you many chances. You're out of here!

No! No!

You don't show up at the taco shop, So pack up your stuff, bro... and go.

Where you goin'?

I'm joining the marines to get a sword.

Right. Or the national guard or whatever.

Because unlike someone here, I know what's important.

So you go ahead and leave. Go get your sword.

You don't get it.

She is in love with you.

Come on, Clancy. We're friends. Oh, just friends.

That makes more sense, because I thought you were treating her that way Because you're a big dumb-ass.

But now that I know you're just friends, that...

Get out. Ya know, one of these days Someone's gonna come along and sweep her off her feet...

And then you'll realize what you had.

I'd wish you good luck, but...

You're probably gonna screw it up.

What, what, what, what?!

Oh, man. Okay, count of three, right?

One. Sorry, bro.

On there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Release toxins.

Release the toxins.

The doc is in the house.

There. Good as new. You all right?

Ohh! Thanks for that.

Hey, uh...

Clancy was right.

About Marsha?

What are these supposed to do exactly?

Well, I freeze magnets just for occasions like this.

The cold helps to bring down the swelling, And the magnets increase circulation.


Oh, you don't have to do that. With the correct amount of pressure, Okay. We can release all of the negative energy And quicken the rate at which the swelling will go down.

So if I press here...

I'm actually sending and receiving messages from your kidneys.

Hello, Mr. Kidney.

26-Charlie, copy detail.

Suspicious persons trespassing on county build site, possible 604. Use caution.

S0 when are you retiring, again?


"Rashanna." That's very pretty.

Where did you come up with that character name?

Um, the egyptian sun god and a friend from the 8th grade.

How about you? How'd you come up with "Shadow Hawk"?

That's a temporary character name.

What do you mean?

Well, I...

I didn't want to tell you my real character name.

Why not? I was shy.

I'm confused.

My real character name is...

"Tanick Stormblade."


I was so excited to tell you, but then you broke up with me!

I wanted you to judge me on my true character, not on my age.

You said you were 26! I wasn't being honest, But... But I am being honest when I tell you that...

I'm into you.

Oh, that's gross.

What the...? It's like a geek breeding ground.

Do you know how hard It was to be in the guild with you Without the ability to reach out and touch you, To never speak the words that just ached to be said?

No. Aaaah...

But here we are together... again.

Like the forces were pulling us together... like magnets!

Well, then how can I show you the depth of my love?

By letting me out.

Rather, how about if I recite a sonata?

Let me out!

No! I'm just trying to leave!

I... I...

I didn't... No, no, no... I just want to...

Please! I'm just going... Wait...

You dirty old man.

I oughta shank you right now and save the taxpayers...

There's a reason there's no trespassing!

This is a super fund site!

The entire ground is poisoned!

You're probably gonna have two-Headed babies!

Be careful, everyone!

The ground is poisoned!

The ground is poisoned! It's poisoned.

It's poisoned.

The ground is poisoned.

Whoop! Well, what are you gonna do now?

Slap some plastic cuffs on me and sing me "happy birthday"?


Come again?

How much did Voss pay to hire this pathetic performance?

I want everyone to take five steps back And get face down on the ground now!!!

Well, that was almost believable.

Get down on your knees And put your hands behind your back.

Do it!



Mooner! Run! Run!



What did you do to Marsha?

Of course you'd come back!

Hands off of him!

Mooner, get up! Hands in the air now!

Hands where I can see 'em! Okay! I'm just gonna...

Put your hands up! Get your hands up!

I need my pills!

I'm sorry... Hands in the air!


Girl, I am now gonna count! One...

Aaaahh... aaaahhh!!!





That. Hurt. So. Bad.

I knew you'd come back for me. get 'em over here! Don't split up!

Don't make any sudden movements! You're gonna spook 'em!

Hamwater, what are you doing?!

Listen, Magmald's in my pocket.

See if you can reach back and cut us free.

Okay. On three, okay?

One, two, three.

Got him? Yeah.

Aahh! You got it!

Aah. Okay.

Uhh. I'm... I'm good.

Hold this.

Take her to safety! Stop for no one! Go!


What is the matter with you?!


Stop moving!

Don't move!

Stay right where you are!

Friends of the guild! Look to the bard!

From his song we gather strength, and charge!

We gather strength, and chaaaaarge!!!

Get in formation!


Off... Officers in need of assistance!


Start the car!!!

Did we not repulse the charging horde's onslaught?


I do not deserve to be your leader. I deceived you.

I used you to get a job. And for that, I'm sorry.

We can start over again. It will be a new beginning.


If you will take me again as your leader, I will make the city thrive once again!

So that all may live in peace against tyranny and aggression from those...

Drop your weapons and get on the ground now!

Get down now! Stay down on the ground...

Move! Get down, peter pan!

All rightie, then.

You can get down now!

I'd like all of you to approach the bench.

What in the world were you doing out there?

Nothing... sir.

Creating a utopia for gamers.

Is that right?

I bet you could have a lot of fun in a place like that.

I'll bet you could get a lot of families to show up, Maybe some at-Risk youth to help set things up.

I'm giving you all 800 hours of community service...

To build your unicorn city at the municipal park.

And it better be good.

I'll drop it to 700 hours if I can be king.

Yes, your majesty.

Cradle it.

Cradle it like a baby.

Softly... What are you doing?

That's a tortilla-Wrapped gut-Ache. Seriously, How much cabbage you think one person can consume in one sitting?

I don't care. Okay? I don't have to do this. I'm too good for this.

I'm so glad that you are happy in taco town, but I'm out.

Is that what you think of me? That you're better than me?

Well, you're not, bro!

Tacos are awesome! This restaurant is my life!

Drop your weapons and get on the ground now!

You got arrested trying to get a job with us?


You got the job, man. Are you serious?

I've never seen anyone go to these lengths for a job.

So how soon before you can move up to Seattle?

I have some community service to finish, but...

Sure. Take as much time as you need.

Do you mind if I show this to some of the guys?


I thought you were gonna organize a canned food drive or something, But this? This is amazing.

Oh. Oh...


You got the job.


I'm really sorry. I...

It's okay. Uh...

I can live with it.


See ya up there.

As king of this fair land, I wish to welcome you all to the official opening of...

Unicorn city!




Blow down your door Where you say get yourself a straight job And no, never bored, no never

You lost your head See, we're all On our way out

Been through it all Reelin' in everyone Wild jazz they scrape Scrape by...

That's fiber, by the way.

Mmm. Mmm.

Lords and ladies, Di tom inpaderi vero.

Baby. I know this.

I studied all night for, like, a half hour, okay?

You make up a language and you force me to use it.

It's very difficult, okay?

Al castiba...

El wunya ronley hoo-Hoo.

Will you temper your words and actions With love...

So, I have some ideas for the campaign you suggested.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

What if... Magmald came down from the astral plane After months of aimlessly wandering, Rashanna finds him weakened And carries him back to her woodland home...

Where she... saves him By nursing him back to health With feral berries and moss...

And they live happily ever after, And have a whole litter of baby bardladins.

Ronley hoo-Hoo.

Kiss her now?



All right, thank you, everyone, for coming, so much.

We have sno-Cones, so everyone enjoy!

Arm yourselves!

I've got 20,000 more experience points since we've last feuded!

En garde!

Let's go dancing And fall in love For the first time Again

And five years later...

Welcome to unicorn city Yeah, what This is your world I was cruisin' down the astral plane Heard a freaky wizard calling my name He was gettin' a spell sent me straight to hell But I don't care 'cause it's dawn of days I get my hands all covered in brain juice Bring it down to the party where we break loose And take a succubus To beat this potion 'cause it's 80 proof Let's roll to the party like we roll them polyhedral dice Let's roll a d-11 not once, not 20 times but thrice Let's roll with the punches from my mortal enemies and foes Let's roll creatures, let's roll I crossed paths with a wicked, wicked hawk With his ears poppin' out like spock Couldn't fool me with his beady little eyes So I pop off his head like a cork A silver heaven that blew my mind The hawk's head came back to life So that mary and her lover head down to the party With the head rollin' right behind Let's roll to the party like we roll them polyhedral dice Let's roll a d-11, not once, not 20 times but thrice Let's roll with the punches from our mortal enemies and foes Let's roll, creatures, let's roll

Meet the beastly, he's the Beast Lord He's shootin' laser beams like oh, my word!

So I retaliate with my psyonic death stare But I ricocheted through the floor So I entice that dude with some turtlebuds And the shining glitter tassels on my luscious duds He falls into my trance and we begin to dance Now we rockin' this mortal's club Let's roll to the party like we roll them polyhedral dice Let's roll a d-100, not once, not 20 times but thrice Let's roll with the punches from our mortal enemies and foes Let's roll, creatures, let's roll We gotta roll down to the area where all the cool kids go We gotta get there, get there real fast

'Cause we're rollin', we're rollin' the dice