Up in Smoke (1978) Script

Put me down. Stop it.

Say, Daisy Lou, would you like to hear a little tune?

Cousin.

Oh, Blackie, you're wonderful.

Sweetheart, I'll talk to him.

Son, your mother and me would like for you to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy. He's a bright kid, and he's going to military school and...

Remember, he was an Eagle Scout and...

Arnold... Will you shut up?

We're not going to have a family brawl.

...and a retard.

We put up with a hell of a lot.

Can this wait?

Build your goddamn muscles, huh?

You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries.

You know, bend and scoop, like the Mexicans.

Shit, maybe I could get you a job with United Fruit.

I got a buddy with United Fruit.

Get you started. Start with strawberries, you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas.

When, boy?

When are you going to get your act together?

Gross.

Oh, good God almighty me.

I think he's the Antichrist.

Anthony, I want to talk to you. Now, listen.

Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you.

You get a goddamn job before sundown, or we're shipping you off to military school with that goddamn Finkelstein shit kid.

Son of a bitch.

Up in smoke That's where my money goes

In my lungs Sometimes up my nose When troubled times Begin to bother me

I take a toke And all my cares go up in smoke


You girls need a ride?

No. No.

You sure? Yeah.

I'm going that way.

No. Later for you, you little jailbaits.

What's that? She's hitchhiking.

Watch out. Coming over. Geronimo!

Hey, double bubble.

Come on, baby. I'll give you a ride. Let's go.

Yeah, bend over. I'll drive you home, baby.

Hey, you ain't a chick. Yeah, I know.

But listen, that's the only way I can get anybody to stop, man.

Hey, that's false advertising, that, man.

Yeah, I know, but listen, I slept in a ditch last night, man.

I almost froze my balls off, man.

I didn't even think you had any, man. I wouldn't even have stopped.

Oh, wow. Hey, I really like your car, man.

Oh, you do? Wow. Did you do this yourself?

Yeah, I customized it myself, man.

Wow. Looks fantastic, man.

Yeah, I guess it does.

Well, I'll give you a ride.

Come on, let's go. Okay, just a minute, man.

I gotta get my stuff.

Okay, well, hurry up, 'cause I got a lot of things to do.

Shit. Shit.

Okay. Let's go. Hey, just a minute, man.

I got a few more things I gotta get, okay? I'll be right back.

Just a minute. Hurry up, man.

What are you going to do, move in, man?

Put her in first gear.

Here we go. Hey, hey!

Second gear. Hey!

Third gear. Here we go!

Hey, man, how far you going, man?

Right here would be fine, man.

You ain't scared of a little speed, are you, man?

Oh, you got some speed, man?

Speed? No, I don't got no speed, man.

Hey, you know what I do got, though, man?

I got a joint, man.

Oh, wow. All right.

Come on, light it up. Let's get Chinese eyes, man.

Hey, what kind of joint is this, man?

It's a heavy-duty joint, man.

It looks like a toothpick, man.

No, it's not a toothpick, man. No, hey, it is a toothpick, man.

No, man, it's just...

It is a toothpick.

I must've got it in the other pocket, man.

Hold on, man. I got the real shit right here, man.

Oh, that's my dick. Yeah, there we go.

Hey, there you go, man. Light that sucker up, man.

We'll go to the moon.

Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

Hey, man, you want to get out and walk, man?

Hey, you want to get high, man?

Does Howdy Doody got wooden balls, man?

I got a joint here, man, I've been saving for a special occasion.

Go on, fire it up.

Hey, I hope the drums don't mess up your upholstery, man.

No, I'm in a band, too, man.

Oh, are you? Yeah, I'm a lead singer, man.

Wow, that's hip, man. Yeah, we play everything from, like, Santana to El Chicano, man. You know, like, everything.

Hey, I'm just a love machine And I don't work for nobody but you I'm just a love machine And I don't work for nobody but you Woman, when my temperature rise And then I go for her thighs And then I see guacamole in my shoes Guacamole in my shoe

Is that a joint, man?

Looks like a Quarter Pounder, man.

Led Zeppelin.

Hey, be careful with that shit, man.

What, is it heavy stuff, man? Will it blow me away?

Better put your seatbelt on, man. I'll tell you that much.

Shit, I been smoking since I was born, man.

I can smoke anything, man.

Like I smoke that Michoacán, man, Acapulco Gold, man.

I even smoke that tied stick, you know?

Tied stick?

Yeah, you know. That stuff, it's tied to a stick, you know.

Oh, Thai stick.

Yeah, that didn't even do nothing to me, man.

I could probably smoke this whole joint, man, and still walk away, man.

It wouldn't be no problem at all, man.

Toke. Toke it up, man.

Dude, that's...

Kind of grabs you by the boo-boo, don't it?

Hey, man. What?

What?

Hey, what's in this shit, man?

Mostly Maui Wowie, man.

Yeah? But it's got some Labrador in it.

What's Labrador? It's dog shit.

What? Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.

Had it on the table, and the little mother fucker ate it, man.

Yeah?

So I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days before I got it back.

Really blew the dog's mind.

You mean we're smoking dog shit, man?

Gets you high, don't it?

I think it's even better than before, you know?

Damn, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Wow, man.

That's some heavy shit, man.

Yeah.

Hey, man, am I driving okay?

I think we're parked, man.

Oh, shit.

God damn, what was in that shit, man?

I never had no dope like that before in my life, man.

That's the heaviest shit I ever smoked, man.

I mean, I smoked a lot of shit before, man, but, God damn, man, that's heavy shit.

You okay?

I can't breathe.

What's the matter?

I can't breathe, man.

Well, just... Well, here. Hey, man.

Hey, hey, I got something that will mellow you out, man.

You're just freaking out. Here.

Here. I never smoked no shit like that before.

Take these, man. Take these. What?

This will mellow you out, man. What is this?

What is this, man? Just take them, man.

Hey, don't take those, man.

What?

I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.

Hey, man, I already took them, man.

Hey, what do you mean?

Wow, man.

Hey, what was that shit, man?

You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life.

Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month.

Shit, I'm going to die, man. That stuff's going to make me die, man.

Oh, man. No, that's good acid, man. Hey, man, I never had it before, man.

It won't hurt you, man. It's going to make me freak out, man.

I seen those guys that walk around my neighborhood that had too many acid, man. Oh, dude...

Their heads look like a pumpkin, like that, man.

No, you're okay. Mellow out. Relax, man.

Hey, mellow out, man!

Nowjust go, "Om. "

What? Do it, man.

Om. Om.

Om. Oh, shit.

Mellow.

Yeah.

You better now, man? Yeah.

You mellow? Yeah.

Feel all right, huh?

Yeah.

What are you doing, man? Sometimes that helps, man.

Hey, listen, can we get off this street, man?

Listen, we're parked in a bad spot.

That's heavy, man. The cops just went by, man.

Hey, they're right... Hey, man, we're being pulled over, man.

Hey, that's heavy, man. Hey, it's the cops.

They're coming, man.

This is cool, man. I never had it before, man.

I didn't think it was going to be like this, man.

What's the problem, son?

Roll down your window.

Keep on knocking. But you can't come in.

Don't, man. It's the cops, man.

Wait, I gotta roll down the window, man.

Here you go. Weigh the anchor. How much does it weigh?

I don't know. I forgot. You forgot?

I saw that on a movie once.

Can I see your license, sir? What?

Your license. Where's your license?

License. It's on the bumper, man. Back there, man.

No. I mean your driver's license.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got my driver's license, man.

I just thought of something real funny, man.

Hey, your mama.

Sir, what is your name? What?

What's your name?

Isn't it on there on the license, man?

Yeah, that's it. Pedro De Pacas, man. That's my name.

Just wait here a minute, huh? Okay.

Hey, hurry back. I miss you already, darling.

Come on, man. I gotta get rid of this dope, man.

Don't act a fool. Oh, okay.

We're gonna get busted. I'll be cool.

I'm blind. Oh, shit, I'm blind!

Hey, blind, man.

I can see clearly now, the rain...

Hey, how long does this shit last, man?

And what is your name, sir? You scared me, man.

What? I told you my name, man.

Sir, what's your name?

Hey there. Hey, what's your name, man?

The dude wants to know your name, man.

His name is Ralph, man.

I was sitting in the coffee shop just minding my own affairs When all of a sudden this policeman caught me unawares He said, "Is your name Pedro?" I says, "Yeah, I guess so"

He said, "Then come with me

"'cause you're the man we've been looking for"

I said, "Hey, man, I've been framed

"Hey, no, really, man, I was framed"

I never do nothing wrong, man But every time I get the blame I been framed They put me in the line-up And let the bright lights shine There was ten poor dudes like me Standing in that line I knew I was a victim of somebody's evil plan When this scroungy-looking dude came up and said

"Yeah, that's him, man"

"Hey, wait a minute, man I've been framed, man

"Oh, listen to me, judge I was framed"

I never do nothing wrong Oh, but every time, I get the blame Hey, I've been framed Parole.

Then the prosecuting attorney started prosecuting on me You boys are in a lot of trouble.

That dude gave me the first, second, and third degree He said, "Where were you on the night of July 29?"

I said, "Man, I was home in bed" He said, "Judge, that man's lying"

Hey, excuse me, I need a drink of water.

I said, "Wait a minute, man I was framed, man

"Hey, just listen to me, man, really

"Gotta believe me I've been framed, man"

I never do nothing wrong Hey, thanks, Pedro.

Oh, but every time I get the blame Oh, I was framed Fucking vodka, man.

Oh, shit. Oh, hey, I'm down here.

Wow, I didn't see you, man.

Hey, listen, you can sleep in that bedroom right there, man.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's cool there.

Check you in the morning. Hey, listen, where's the bathroom?

Oh, it's right there. See that door there?

See you tomorrow, all right? Yeah, we got rehearsal.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey, listen, man, if you hear some noise in the bedroom, you know, moaning and groaning, don't pay any attention to it, it's just me and my old lady.

Next tune you hear will be Dueling Bedsprings.

Check you in the morning. See you tomorrow.

Amigos, presenting you all's new uniforms.

All right. All right, show time. Come on. Looky here. Looky here.

Looky here. Check it out.

All right, you want more shit... Hey, man, I can't wear this stuff, man.

Hey, you... This is terrible, man.

Look, it don't even fit.

No, baby, you cleaner than Skeeter's peter.

You just don't understand the new style.

Baby, the name plate... Oh, man. Look, it don't even...

Hey, it's too short, man.

Oh, well, we'll just make a few minor adjustments, holmes.

Look here. Ain't nothing to... Hey, hold it, man.

No, man, I can't wear this.

Oh, Curtis, man.

Look at these uniforms, Jack.

Didn't I put them in the pocket? These uniforms is out of sight, man.

Shut your mouth, baby. Out of sight, man.

I hope mine is as bad as this, you know?

Hey, you know it.

You see them new cuts on them? Yeah, yeah, man.

All they need is rhinestones on them pointed shoes, man.

Yeah. They out of sight, all right.

Hey, these uniforms are lame, man.

What you mean lame, sucker? Hey, Pedro, man.

Where's the white dude you say was playing the drums?

That's him, man. Oh, that's James, the bass player, man.

Yeah, what's happening? Hey, seriously, man, these look like waiter uniforms.

You don't like them, man? No.

Oh, wow. I'll be in the kitchen.

He don't like it, he wants some...

Hey, wait a minute. He's right, man. These are lame.

This is the new cut. You all be bad.

No, hey, man. If we're going to wear uniforms, man, you know, let's everybody wear something different.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, we want something where everybody wears something different, man, but the same, you know?

I gotta get out of this stuff. Yeah, okay. Hurry up, man.

Hey, hey. Yeah, those are lame, man.

Get us something else, man. Pedro.

Pedro, this is Curtis, baby. Yeah, I know Curtis, man.

I mean, I'm on top of it. Rest easy. Curtis is on the case.

Come on, man. Hurry up and get dressed.

We gotta go score a lid.

...and we'd like to rock 'n' roll and play some great music.

I have a song here by a group called the Search Boys.

And the Search Boys are going to go searching.

Don't ask me what they're going to go searching for, but they're gonna go searching. So let's do it.


I can't believe we can't find no grass nowhere, man.

That's 'cause too many people are smoking it now.

And it really makes it tough on the rest of us.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

The prices have gone crazy, man. Yeah.

I mean, some people are paying, like, 100 bucks a lid, man.

Wow.

Who lives here, man? That's my cousin Strawberry, man.

He's probably got some dope, man. He's always got the best smoke.

Oh, I hope so, man.

Yeah, well, he's cool. His only thing is, he's a little weird.

You know, like, he went over to Vietnam, man, and he came back all weirded out, you know.

Yeah, well, that Nam grass will do it to you, man.

Yeah. That stuff will lay you out, man.

He's really weird, man.

That's what lost the war. So, like, be careful.

Whatever you do, don't say nothing about his birthmark there, man, because he flips out.

Hey, I ain't going to talk about nobody's birthmark.

Yeah, don't look at it, either.

Come on.

You sure it's a birthmark, man?

'Cause sometimes that Nam grass will do weird things to your face, too, you know.

Who is it?

It's me, Pedro, man.

Pedro's not here.

No, I'm Pedro, man. Open up.

What's the matter, man? I don't know.

Somebody's messing around in there, man.

Come on. It's open, man.

Hey, Strawberry. Strawberry's not here.

Hey, it's a bird, man. A bird is answering the door.

What a trip.

Hey, fella.

Hey, Strawberry?

Wanna get high? Wanna get high?

Must've had a party here, man.

Wanna get high?

Wanna get high? Wanna get high?

Hey, want something to eat, man? They got some pizza.

Strawberry?

Hey, Strawberry?

Oh, Strawberry. Hey, what's happening, man?

How you doing?

Starbuck. Starbuck.

Pedro? Yeah, yeah, right. Pedro, man.

This is my friend.

Strawberry.

Hey, how you doing, man?

I'm doing, friend.

Oh, yeah. Well, we were stopping by to see if we could score some smoke, man.

You know, we've been all over the neighborhood, you know, and nobody's got none, you know?

So, like, we was wondering maybe if we could score some smoke from you.

Smoke? Yeah.

Smoke. You want some smoke?

Yeah, I'll get you some smoke, man.

All right. Yeah, we could score some smoke from him.

Yeah, I told you, man, we could.

What you looking at, man?

Oh, nothing. I wasn't looking. I was just...

I wasn't looking at his neck, man. Oh, shit.

Your friend better stay here, 'cause we're going to go over and see some people of mine, and they don't like strange dudes.

They don't fuck around.

Well, I'll stay here. Yeah.

Look at that, man. The great outdoors, huh?

Yeah, great outdoors. Yeah.

El roacho.


God, it sure looks real.

Who are you?

Hey, how you doing?

I spilled it. I made a mess. I was just trying...

Where have you been all my life?

We just come in... If you don't mind.

It's not really...

Jeez, I don't believe it.

Oh, is that great?

Wow, what a rush, huh? What's that stuff like?

Good shit.

The freak with the top hat and the tire is leaving with a basketball. Cover the freak.

He's covered.

Have the rest of the men stand by. Stand by.

I think we're onto something really big, Harry.

This could be the bust we've been waiting for.

Right, Sarge.

Zipping up.


Claymores.

What? Claymores.

Get me up past that last hutch there and jettison me into the paddies.

What are you talking about paddies, man?

Ain't no paddies. They're just Chicanos, man.

What are you talking about?

Strike that line chatter, grunt.

If you'd deploy a little recon, you'd see that Charlie has us surrounded.

Charlie? Oh, man. It's a cop.

Strawberry, they're around your pad, man.

They're gonna bust your pad.

Hey, Strawberry.

Oh, man, are you flipped out on one of your Vietnam trips, man?

Hey, hold on to your thing, man. God damn.

Look, you take the point. I'll take the rear.

If you need air, call it in.

Where you going? Hey, Strawberry.

Oh, shit.

Strawberry.

Fuck.

Shit.

I better get that.

Hurry up. Yeah.

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

Hey, man, don't answer the phone even if it's me calling.

Man, I think it's bugged.

Pedro?

Yeah, this is Pedro. I mean, no.

Hey, man, look, the house is being raided, man. Get out of the house.

Hey, Sarge. Listen to this.

Did you get the weed?

Hey, man, opscays. You hear, man? Get outsky, man.

Igpays. Igpays. Vamoose.

Sounds very Latin.

Could be the Mexican connection. Better get this down.

Hey, did you get the dope, man?

Hurry back, man. There's some joints around here.

Hey, there's coke and everything, man.

Pedro, the place is full of joints. Come on back, man.

This could be it, Harry.

Pass the word along.

Tell the men it's time to shoot the moon.

Shoot the moon!

No, you idiot. Not out there. On the microphone. On the microphone.

Shoot the moon. Shoot the moon.

Hello? Can't hear you, man. Just a minute.

Hello. Hey, Pedro? We get cut off?

We really did get cut off.

Hey. Hey. Hello?

Shit, man. How am I going to get him out of there?

Hey. Hey.

All right, freeze! This is a bust. Party's over, folks. You, out.

You, freak there with the red coat... Not you.

Don't swallow the dope. We know you're holding.

I knew this party was gonna be a drag.

Just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?

Which basketball? "Which basketball?"

Hey, Sergeant, get a load of these two.

What's her problem?

Can't you see she's sick?

She's sick, all right. It's turning blue.

Yeah? That's high-grade stuff.

Could be Peruvian flake.

That's right. Keep laughing, miss. Just keep on laughing, but this is not a laughing matter. This is serious. This is very serious.

This stuff destroys your mind. Can't you see she's sick?

She's been through a lot in a short period of time.

She's all fucked up.

You watch your language, miss.

Harry, remember to get a lab sample of this stuff.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you refuse that right... Anything you say.

...anything you say may be used against you...

Have you got the book? No, sir.

...used against you in a court of law.

Read the book. Thank you.

Jesus. All right.

"You have the right to remain silent. If you give that right up, "anything you say can be used and will be used... "

What's going on here? Hey, who are you?

Listen to me, you pervert. Sit down.

Who are you?

We're from the finance company, man.

We came to reprocess the furniture, man.

That?

Yeah. Well, you know, we gave them a lot of chances to pay up, man, but they didn't pay up and the boss says it's got to go, man.

I'm just doing my job, man.

No. Come on, it's my bowl.

All right. Everybody out. Move everybody out.

Murphy. That means you, buddy.

What the hell are you doing, Murphy? All right, move it out.

All of you, come on. Get out. Let's go. Get out of there.

Everybody.

It's locked, man. What? Oh, yeah.

Let go. Let go, man.

Come on. Come on in.

Hey, what's going on, man? It's a bust, man.

We got to figure out some way to get you out of here, man. Shit.

All right, freeze. This is a bust. Strawberry.

Single file. I wasn't looking at his neck.

I wasn't looking at...

No, man. The town's dry. There ain't no dope nowhere, man.

I got to pee.

Hey, Pedro.

Hey, Pedro, my man. Hey, what's happening, Curtis?

What's going on? How you doing, man?

Oh, I don't know. Hey, holmes, this your ride?

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, I got it off my cousin Johnny, man.

This is your... I mean, this bad low machine is yours?

Yeah.

Oh, Pedro, you got a taste of soul to you, bro.

And style, too. Yeah, I hear you.

Hey, now, you know what you need to go with this bad ride?

A chick? No, baby. Check these out.

Knuckles? Genuine diamonds, baby.

Those ain't for-real diamonds, man.

What you... Hey, man. Check this out. Step back.

Ain't for real? Check this.

Hey, man, what are you doing, man? You scratched my window.

You know, it's cool. It's cool.

Hey, well, you know what I do need, man?

We been looking all over for some smoke, man.

Nobody has no grass, man. You got some?

Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy.

It's what set them Arabs off.

Arabs from Turkey? Yeah, man. Yeah, it was from Turkey.

Hey, man, this stuff is so bad, it'll put a hump in a camel's back.

No shit? I wouldn't shit you, baby.

I mean, this is some bad weed. You got it on you?

I got it on me, man. You got to check it out.

It'll boogie-woogie on your brain. All right.

Just 'cause we tight, I'm going to let you have it for a double dime.

Man, that shit ain't shit, man.

What?

We smoked this whole lid, man, and I haven't even got a buzz yet, man.

You ain't high?

I ain't high. I'll tell you that, man. I don't feel nothing, man.

Boys, my man Curtis sure came through for us this time, didn't he, man?

I'm annihilated, you know?

What? Get me a cookie.

Juan, don't beg me, man. Go in the kitchen, you know.

You must get high on lawn clippings, Jack, 'cause this ain't grass, man.

I'm telling you that. Oh, you guys is tripping, man.

I told you, Curtis is our partner, man. He came through for us, you know.

Hey, if he sold you that, man, I wouldn't want...

Hey. Hey, man, hide. What?

Hide, man. It's a bust.

Freeze, you chili-choking pepper belly.

One guy in the front room. I'll check the rooms on the left.

All right, what do you got in here, lady?

Hey, man. Get the seeds. Who is it, man?

It's a bust, man. Get the seeds. Seeds?

Why, man? They can't bust you for seeds.

Well, then just hide your face.

We ain't done nothing. There's no... It's a bust, man.

We're clean. There's no weed in the house.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, man. It's just the migra. Who?

- Oh, I forgot. Shit. The migra?

Yeah, they're looking for illegal aliens, man. I forgot it's the wedding.

The wedding? Yeah.

So who are these guys? They're the immigration.

You know, the migra, man. They're going to deport these dudes.

Deport them? Yeah.

See, what's happening is my cousin is getting married down in TJ, man, so he calls the Immigration on himself.

But why? So he can get a free ride, man.

See, they come down with a big old bus, they take the whole wedding party down, plus they even get fed lunch, man. Wow.

So we're cool?

Yeah. We got nothing to worry about, man, unless you don't got a green card.

Hello, Uncle Chuey? This is Pedro.

Hey, man, we got deported. We're down here in Tijuana right now.

We need a way to get back.

You got anything needs to be picked up here?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on.

Yeah?

Okay. What's the address? 1811...

Pedro.

Hey. Hey, man. We got a ride.

Wow, far out, man.

Hey, my Uncle Chuey's got a van we gotta smuggle back across the border, man.

Hey, what are we smuggling? Upholstery, man.

He's got an upholstery shop in Beverly Hills, but he gets all the work done here, man, 'cause it's cheaper.

The smuggling of marijuana from Mexico into the United States has reached a dangerous high.

The methods have become unbelievably devious, and these are the seeds which may sow the destruction of the human race.

Gentlemen, I don't think we need to comment on the seriousness of the situation.

Harry, will you cool that? Just stop that, Harry.

Gentlemen, we are on the threshold of copping one of the largest shipments of marijuana that has ever crossed the Mexican border into the United States.

The question is, how are they going to transport it across the border?

By boat. Carrier pigeon.

Plane. Freight.

Piggyback.

Plaster casts. Long trucks.

Long trucks.

Let me show you.

Inside TV sets.

No, Harry. No, no, no. Not inside TV sets.

The TV set itself is the marijuana.

The tube, the picture, the aerial, the whole works.

How can you make a TV set out of marijuana?

That's a good question, Harry. I'll show you.

Now, the weed is separated from seed.

The weed is then transformed into liquid.

The liquid is then acted upon by a chemical which makes it hard like a plastic.

The plastic is then transformed into a spray.

This spray, gentlemen, is called fiberweed, and it's pure marijuana.

Thanks to the efforts of our undercover man inside the dope factory, we have some very interesting facts.

Now, that is quite a quantity of marijuana, gentlemen.

It is not a lid, it is not a kilo, it is not a gram.

Just how much do you think is in this dope factory?

A million pounds.

Harry? A shitload.

Harry.

What we do know is that the dope factory is disguised as an upholstery warehouse.

Hey, this is the street, man. Come on.

How can you eat this stuff, man? I love them. Don't you like these?

I told you not to buy it, man. God.

What did you do that for, man? I would have ate it.

You never know what's in that stuff, man. Could be a dog or something.

You got the address? Good dog, man.

Hey!

Son of a... -181...

Is that seven or a one? It looks seven. Come on. Let's go check this place out.

Hey, we're here to pick up the van, man.

We're here to pick up the van.

Have a seat. The boss will be right back.

Okay. The boss will be right back, man. He's somewhere else.

Those burritos, man.

Hey, man, where's the bathroom?

Straight in the back. Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, cheeks, tighten up.

Oh, God.

Come on, cheeks, stay together. Let's stay together.

Come on, cheeks, stay together.

Oh, God. I hope that was a fart.

Oh, shit.

Excuse me, sir.

What?

Where's the toilet?

Over there.

Hey, excuse me. Where's the toilet?

Thank you very much. Oh, shit.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Man, did you eat one of them burritos, too, man?

Supposed to eat a little bit of ice cream with it.

Come on, ice cream.

Even though we do not know what we are looking for, we do know the approximate value of the weed itself.

Gentlemen, I would like to hear your opinions.

A million?

The television set alone is worth close to a million.

A billion dollars. Now we're getting somewhere.

I'm freezing at 200 million.

Sarge, I think it's four billion. You're all wrong.

Nine billion big ones, boys.

And you know what that means.

The better the bust, the bigger the boost. The bigger the boost.

Excellent.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up.

Any questions?


Where'd you learn how to roll them big joints, man?

Hey, you like that, man?

They're heavy.

Yeah, I used to be a roadie for the Doobie Brothers, you know.

What a groovy gig.

Yeah. That's how I learned to play drums.

Oh, yeah? Beating on the drums.

Hey, I dig Mexico, man.

I'd like to come back here when we got more time.

Oh, man, are we at the border already?

Looks that way, man.

Oh, shit. Hey, man, well, get rid of the stuff, man.

Oh, yeah. Better get rid of this shit. Yeah, hurry up.

Man, just put it down, man. Get rid of it, man. Oh, shit.

We're at the border, man.

Shit.

Lookit.

Hey, get rid of it. Not that way, man. Throw it out.

Throw it out.

This is Toyota Kawasaki, here at the Mexican-United States border, where a huge task force of narcotic and customs agents is preparing a surprise welcome for a vehicle which they say is constructed entirely of high-grade marijuana.

Don't make that face, man. You make me laugh.

Just let me do all the talking, man. I got it.

Good afternoon, sisters. Good afternoon, Officer.

How long have you been in Mexico?

Okay. Just be cool.

How long have you guys been in Mexico?

A week. I mean, a day.

Which one is it, a week or a day?

A weekday.

You got any narcotics or marijuana in here?

Not anymore.

You guys better step out of that van.

A fire. Oh, Sister, a fire.

I'm on fire. What is it?

Hey, this looks like a bust. Hey.

Get Stedenko on the phone right away. This might be it.

Hey, come on. What have we got here, Sister?

Hey, they're busting nuns, man.

Wow. That's cold-blooded. Hey, let's watch, okay?

Okay. Up against the wall. All of you.

Let's get up against the wall.

Sergeant Stedenko, exactly what are you looking for?

Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all-arounders. You name it, we want it.

And how important is it to you to apprehend the suspects?

Critical.

The buying and selling of dope in this country may be the last vestige of free enterprise left.

There's rumor, Sergeant, that the suspects might be armed and dangerous.

Do you expect to see any violence here today?

I certainly hope so.

Sergeant, have you yourself smoked marijuana?

Only once.

Hey, look, we're on TV, man.

Sergeant, telephone. Hi, Mom.

Sounds heavy. This could be it.

Why are the cops around here? Hey, well, let's find out, man.

Yeah. Hey, listen, I got to go pee first.

Okay. Don't go scuba diving.

So it was a station wagon, huh, Harry?

Very devious.

They almost look like real nuns, don't they, Harry?

Right down to the stockings.

Very clever. Very clever.

Not bad.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you know that?

Reminds me of a funny story my dad used to tell me, Harry.

The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.

Inside!

Harry, get a sample of that car.

Yes, Sergeant.

Start the interrogation, Murphy. I'll be right back.

Hey, what's going on out there, man?

Excuse me. What's going on out there?

Don't worry about it, buddy. It's nothing.

Just some people doing what they're not supposed to be doing. That's all.

Son of a bitch. Look at the...

Some asshole pissed on my leg.

Listen, our agent just phoned from Mexico.

It's not a bunch of nuns in a station wagon.

It's two hippies in a green van.

Must be some heavy shit.

Let's go. Come on.

Get that siren up!

Where would these two creeps hang out?

Where do hippies hang out today?

Sunset Strip. That's where they hang out.

Yeah, we could try there.

If they're not there, we can go up to San Francisco.

Imagine the field day those two creeps are gonna have when they find out that van is made of grass, huh?

I don't believe it. I really don't believe it.

You guys are supreme idiots.

I mean, how could you let a big, green van slip right through your fingers?

Spend one week at the border, and what do we end up with?

Busting a bevy of nuns, a guy pisses on my leg, and I lose my special canine sentry dog.

Best cop I ever knew.

See anything? Negative.

Well, use mine. They're on the floor.

Oh, yeah. These are great, Sergeant. You can see everything.

What do you see?

You know, there's a great donut shop up there.

Do you think we have time... No, no. I mean on the road.

Wait a minute. There's the van. There's the van.

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, listen, man, when we get back to town, let's really get serious about this group, okay?

Yeah, really, man.

Like, if we practice all the time, rehearse, man, we could have a heavy band.

Let's not let anything interfere with our music this time.

Yeah, that's right. Hey, you see what I see, man?

Yeah. Hey, they're hitchhiking, man.

All right.

There they go, Harry. Keep your eye on them.

Wonder what they're doing way out here?

I don't know, but here comes the Mounties to the rescue.

Holy...

Turn around, Harry. They're over there.

Keep your eye on them, Harry. Keep your eye on them.

Hey, man, you know how to drive, man?

Sort of. Why? Take over, man.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

Hi, ladies. Hey.

Hey, après-vous, all of you. Thanks.

There you go. Watch your step.

I'll watch everything else.

Hey, what's happening?

How far are you going, man? All the way.

All right. We're going there ourselves. Come on over.

There they go, Harry. There they go. I see them. I see them.

Shoot their tires out. Got it.

No, not yours. Use my gun. Thanks, Sarge.

Oh, my God.

Damn it. You stupid idiot. Look, you idiot.

You are a stupid, stupid man. Get over here, Harry.

Get over here. Give me that gun.

When I think of the time and the money I've wasted on your training, and you still turn out to be a blithering idiot.

You're an utter failure. You make me sick!

Have you anything to say for yourself? In the car!

God, I will never, ever, never take a bald-headed man in the department again.


Wow. This is a neat van.

Yeah. Want to see the rest of it?

Okay. Sure. Yeah?

Oh, hey. We'll go right back there. The rest of it is right back there.

Go ahead. Hey, watch your step. Yeah. There you go.

Yeah, right back there.

Hey, have fun at Magic Mountains.

Oh, yeah. I see London, I see France.

If I ain't out in three weeks, man, send a search party.

Hey, hold on. Don't start without me.

Do you want to do a lude?

You got ludes? No, I don't have any ludes.

I wish I had ludes.

I thought you said you had some.

No, I don't have some. I do, but I don't have enough.

Oh, right. All right.

I wish I had some, you know.

I love a manly chest.

Yeah. So do I. I mean, on a girl.

Attention, all units. Attention, all units. This is Sergeant Stedenko.

Attention, all units. This is Sergeant Stedenko.

We are changing from a code 3, direct pursuit, to a code 347.

Completely lost due to incompetence.

Hey, man, you know where these chicks are going?

They're going to the Roxy, man.

They're having a battle of the bands there, man.

Debbie was telling me all about it.

You know, they're gonna have all these bands, man, and the winner gets a record contract.

A battle of the bands? Yeah.

Oh, it's like the best thing in the world. We're going there and everyone's going to be there and everything.

Yeah. The winner gets a record contract with real records, man.

You know, that's not going to mean dick unless they promote you, you know.

But we could get our band in it, man. We could enter.

We could win it, man, and it's $100, too.

We couldn't enter it. We don't even know any tunes yet, man.

What do you mean, man? We had two rehearsals, man.

Besides, it's just punk rock, man.

You know, you don't have to know how to play.

All you just got to do is be a punk, man. We could do that.

Well, we got to get loaded first, though. Yeah, we should get loaded.

We need some smoke, man. Jeez, we need to score a lid.

Why don't you just stop, and I'll call Gloria.

Who's Gloria? Who's Gloria?

Hi. You're looking good.

You want to go, like, powder our noses, you know?

Anyway, like, I want to talk some business, okay?

Yeah. I got the powder, all right.

She's got the best stuff, I'm telling you. She cuts it herself.

Boy, she can bust me anytime.

You should see her summer whites.

In here.

Wow. That's heavy.

Yeah, man, but I bet a lot of cops smoke dope now, you know.

No, I mean, look at that, man. Looks like a radio station.

The request lines are now open, KGFJ soul radio.

Do it now, man.

Request lines are now...

It's open, man.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Say something.

All right, Officer Clyde, contact headquarters and give them our present location.

And then I'm going to take off your dress.

And then I'm going to take off your bra.

And then I'm going to take off your shoes.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Can you hear me?

Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters?

Come in, headquarters.

This is Officer Clyde.

Use the code name. The code name.

Headquarters. Headquarters, come in, please.

This is code name Hard Head.

Hat. Hard Hat. Give me that.

Hello, radio dispatch? This is code name Hard Hat.

Code name Hard Hat. Do you read me? Over.

What's that, lard ass?

Hard Hat. Code name Hard Hat. Do you read, radio dispatch?

Hey, got something for you, lard ass.

Hard Hat. Hard Hat. Do you understand?

Lard ass. Lard ass.

Hard Hat.

Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?

No. Who is "this is"?

This is Sergeant Stedenko.

Oh, yeah? You know who this is?

No.

Bye-bye, lard ass.


Attention, headquarters. Attention, headquarters.

This is code name Lard...

This is code name Hard Hat. Code name Hard Hat.

Any sighting within the last half hour?

They burned the stash they had. Oh, no.

Yeah. Can you believe it? They burned the whole thing yesterday.

Oh, no.

Yeah, but they're expecting a new one from Tijuana.

I was in Tijuana once. It's supposed to be worth

...millions and millions of dollars.

The cops are out looking for it now.

Jesus, I hope they find it. Me, too. Look, if they find it, you want to set aside some lids for me?

Well, you can believe that. We'll have a party.

Why don't we just, like, split, okay?

Glo, see you.

You want me to give your number to that guy, let me know.

Sure do, hey. Take care.

Bye-bye. I can't believe that they burned all the smoke. See you.

Hey, I got to go to the bathroom. I'll meet you guys outside, okay?

Oh, okay.

Hey, holmes.

Come on, man.

Sometimes when you got to go really bad, you can't, you know?

Come on, man. You wanted to go out there.

I'll put you back in the closet.

I think he's got stage fright, man. Come on, man.

Yeah. That's the one.

Oh, hey, man. Thanks an awful lot, man.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Come on. Look at... Hey. I'm sorry.

Hey, come back... Jesus.

Hey, everybody be quiet. I'm calling home.

Hello. Who's this?

James. Man, hey, listen. We got a gig at the Roxy, man.

So, get the guys, okay?

All right, man. Be sure to be there and don't be late.

All right. See you later. All right. It's together, man.

We're going to be there, man.

We're going to take this battle of the bands. We're gonna do it, man.

Does this show?

Yeah, they sure do.

No. I mean this, this spot.

Let's see. Yeah, a little bit. Here, I'll take it out for you.

Will you? Yeah. Sure. Just take it off.

Oh, great.

Just stay here. I'll just do it to here, okay?

Oh, hey, hey, no, man. Now get in the back.

Get in the back. Get in the back. Get in the back.

Okay. Get in the back.

Jeez. Jesus.

Hey, Pedro? Pedro?

What's the matter?

Pedro. You still like me, don't you?

Pedro, come here, man. He is so sweet, you know?

Pedro, get out here, man.

Man, where'd you learn how to drive, man?

Hey, man, we got stopped by the cops, man. I don't have a driver's license.

Oh shit. Man, why didn't you tell me that when you started driving?

Well, never mind that, man. What are we going to do?

Oh, shit.

Well, here, change places with me, man. Come on.

I don't think he's seen us. No, no. Sit down.

Got my leg caught. Just... I've got my legs caught.

Man, like, get over, man.

What do you guys want?

Nothing.

You mind if I have a bite of your hot dog?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, man. You can have the whole thing.

Yeah. Thanks.

Want some Fritos?

No. This is fine.

Thank you.

Hey, you guys have a nice day.

Thank you.

Hey, man. What?

You're squashing my nuts.

Hey, did that really happen?

What was that dude's trip, man?

I thought we were going to get busted for sure, man.

Just a minute. It might be a trick, man. Okay. Well, sit there and be cool.

I've got to... Shit.

Look at him, man.

I wonder what he's been smoking.

Well, whatever it is, I wish we had some, man.

No kidding. Wow, man, look, man, we got to score some before we go on.

Yeah, but where, man? I don't know, man.

There's got to be somebody in this town that's got a lot of smoke.

Yeah.


She was, like, nuts.

You could always tell if she was in the hotel balling her old man, you know.

Like, everyone would be dozing off, and all of a sudden she'd start up.

First you'd hear it, it would start like, you know...

But then she'd, like, really get going, and she'd be more like, you know...

You know, and she'd start going like a motorboat, you know?

"Fuck me, Alex. "

Her boyfriend's name was Alex.

You know, "Fuck me.

"Fuck me.

"Fuck me, Alex.

"Fuck me, Alex. Fuck me, Alex. "

Oh, I got a cramp. No, no. I got a cramp.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, God. I got a cramp. Yeah. That's just like it, man.

You're doing good. Oh, shit, oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. No. No.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No. No.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

There. Oh, yeah. That's just like it.

Oh, shit. Then she'd have, like, two tears...

Oh, it's better. It's out. It's out. It's better.

That feels better. Oh, God.

Shit. I need some air.

Right on, man.

I didn't know your name was Alex, man. Oh, I got a cramp.

Shit, I'd have a cramp there, too, man.

What's going on out here?

Hey, hey. You don't even know where you're going. Wait for me.

Come on. Make way for the new king. God damn, you're a star, man.

Go ahead. After you, King Salami.

They're going to be sorry.

Like, I know where the best dressing room is.


Hey, you know what I'm talking about?

So, the next day, he comes up to me and he says, "You know, "thanks for being there. Like, you saved my life. "

You know? Just like Cher.

I don't care what people think about me

Hey, man, what are you doing? Come on, man. Get it together.

We got to be on in two more bands, man.

Hey, come on, man. Come on.

You ought to hear what these other groups are into, man.

These cats are into something heavy, man.

Look, I've been writing this new song. Listen to this, man.

Mama talking to me Trying to tell me how to live And then it goes...

'Cause I don't listen to her 'Cause my head is like a sieve Then it goes...

Hey, man, are you awake?

I don't feel so good, man.

Come on, man. We're on in... Did you give him some pills?

Yeah, I gave him some pills, but I gave him ups.

Shit, man. Come on.

Hey, how many fingers you see?

I think I fucked up.

Oh, shit. Anybody got any coffee or anything?

I got a popper.

We could either, like, you know, party later or try to start his heart.

...I had known. Get up.

Come on. Now, get up.

Watch where you're going! The record person is waiting.

Look, do what you want, but don't die, you know?

That's what's really important, like, not dying, you know?

You know what I'm saying?

While I got you here, you know, I was thinking, maybe we should have some paper between us, because, like, in this business a handshake doesn't mean dick.

Everybody into the van. Hurry. Hurry.

Come on.

Murphy, hide. Harry, Luke, come on. Look at all these freaks.

There's one of them.

You know, I'm just telling you, because I feel responsible.

You know what I mean? Like, you gotta get it together.

Get your whole gig together. Everything, you know?


I want to be like me.

Like, I have my own special way of looking and dressing.

That's me. No one can take it away from me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Taurus.

Piss off!


That's right, boys. Everybody in, boys. All the way down.

All the way down. That's right, boys. We want to talk to you boys about joining your order.

What size sheet do you wear?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we see some tickets, guys?

We don't need tickets. We are brothers of the faith, Kemo Sabe.

We don't need tickets to walk with love in the world.

We have a message for the people inside.

We gotta see some tickets. We gotta see tickets.

All right. We are not brothers of the faith.

We are police officers. Sorry, man. You got to have tickets.

Let's have some tickets, let's go. "Let's have some tickets"?

No. That is a gun. That is not a ticket.

Did you bring the ID? Where's the ID? All right, get the ID.

We have got to get in here right now. This is very important.

Hey, Sarge. The van. The van.

The van!

Hey, no wonder Anita Bryant's pissed off.

Hey. Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, you.

Hey, listen, wait a minute. Where are you taking this tow truck?

Yeah. Where are you going with our van?

Take a walk.

What do you mean, take a walk? Who are you?

Hey, wait a minute. Who owns this van?

Who are you, anyway? Sergeant Stedenko.

Sergeant Stedenko. What van?

What do you mean, what van? Let's see some ID here.

Show him your ID. Hold it right there.

Hold it right there. Come back here.

Tell him we didn't do nothing. We didn't do nothing.

You didn't do a damn thing, did you? No.

Back up. Take it easy. Take it easy.

Hey, you know who he is? Tell him who you are, boss.

Benny, will you shut up. I'm gonna tell my...

All right. We got to call the paddy wagon.

Affirmative. I'll notify headquarters. I can't believe this.

Moving right along, we don't know who they are, but here's Alice Bowie.


So, you better be good.

Look, but I'm not just in it for the money. I really like it.

Hi. Hi. Jade East.


You're the worst.

You guys really had a scheme going, didn't you?

Thought you'd get away with it, huh? Yeah.

Almost $9 billion.

Nine billion big ones to help diseased young minds with marijuana, smack, toot, quackers, you name it.

Sarge, the wagons are on their way.

Do you realize that this is the bust?

This is the one that's gonna send me right to the top.

Nail it down, man. Nail it down.

Harry? What?

Are you sure you talked to headquarters?

They said they were on their way. Relax.

How about a cheeseburger?

No. A sundae.

Hot fudge? Hot fudge sundae.

With some whipped cream on top, nuts.

They're anchovies. Good. Thanks.

How many pieces have you had? I'll buy you something to eat.

You are stoned. Yeah?

Yes, you are very, very stoned. Look at this.

Sick. You've got food all over your uniform.

You've got no self-control whatsoever.

Come on, man. Let's do it.

Do something.

All right. You guys ready to jam?

All right, here we go. One, two, three. Yeah.


My mama talking to me Trying to tell me how to live

But I won't listen to her because my head is like a sieve

My daddy, he disowned me 'cause I wear my sister's clothes

He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose

My basketball coach He done kicked me off the team For wearing high-heeled sneakers and acting like a queen

Why don't you guys admit it? You got the munchies.

The munchies, right?

I've never been so disgusted in all my life.

You're a disgrace to the force. You've let me down, boys.

Harry, are you understanding me? I am stoned. I am stoned.

So go with it.

Put it in your sundae. Go with it? Get away from...

You tell me to go with it?

You almost botch up the entire operation, you lose my best dog, two guys piss on my leg, I'm on the verge of a total pig-out and you tell me to go with it?

I'll go with it!

Go with it. Go with it.

I'm so bloody rich.

I own apartment buildings and shopping centers.

I only know three chords.

You fools.


More. More. More. More. More. More.

More, more, more.

My mama talking to me Trying to tell me how to live

Wow. Did you hear that crowd, man?

They gave us a standing ovation, man.

We're going to have a bad band.

Wow, we had them eating right out of their hands.

We're going to be big, man, really big, man.

We're gonna, like, be bigger than Ruben and the Jets, man, I bet you.

Shoot. All we got to do is keep practicing, man, you know, like, just keep it together.

I feel good, man. I wish we could have had something to celebrate, man.

You got a joint or anything?

Hey. What?

We getting pulled over?

I just remembered, man. I got some hash.

Oh, yeah? Well, fire it up, holmes. All right.

Hey, I need a pin or something.

Oh, there's a pin right here on my tutu, man.

Hey, be brave and be sure to remind me, we gotta take those back or we'll get charged for an extra day.

Forgot all about this, man.

We're gonna be a big band, man. We're going to have a limo, man, and food backstage, man, everything.

Yeah, we need a manager, though. That's the only thing.

My cousin.

He doesn't have a job, man. We'll make him the manager.

Besides that, he's got a van, too, man. It'll be heavy. Yeah.

We gonna be the heaviest dudes, man.

Get all new instruments, man, everything, man.

All right. What's this?

I think it's hash. It doesn't look like much, man.

Where'd it go? I don't know.

Hey, watch the road, man.

Oh, shit. Hey, hey! Watch the road!

Oh, shit. Hey, man, you dropped it in my lap, man.

So I roll un bomber Well, stop the car. Reach your hand down there.

Stop the car. Here. Get it, get it.

...un buen toque

Y después I choke Oh, shit.

Y todos mis cares go up in smoke Come on, let's go get high Up in smoke That's where I want to be

'Cause when I'm high The world below don't bother me When life begins to be one long and dangerous road

I take a toke And all my cares go up in smoke

All the time

But I say arrebata All the gustos you can find

Porque all of the time Get high time Come on, let's go get high Up in smoke That's where I want to be

'Cause when I'm high The world below don't bother me

When life begins to be One long and dangerous road I take a toke And all my cares go up in smoke

I take a toke And all my cares go up in smoke