Utopia (1951) Script

Who had never dreamed of knowing heaven on earth, of sailing away to a desert island?

Well, here's the story about such a dream come true.

A story that starts in London at tea time, which is not surprising since it's always tea time in London, on this particular day at the house of The Honourable Mr. Bramwell.

Your tea, Mr. Bramwell.

The heir from America is waiting outside.

The heir from America?

Oh, we can't keep him waiting, eh, gentlemen?

Well, don't stand there gaping, Pringle. Show him in, immediately.

Will you go in now?

Mr. Laurel, I presume.

No, no, I'm Mr. Hardy. I'm Mr. Laurel's financial exchequer.

But where is Mr. Laurel? Oh, right here. Mr. Laurel is...

Ah, Mr. Laurel. We've had quite a time finding you.

And now, gentlemen, let me introduce the two attorneys who handled your late uncle's affairs in France and in Italy.

Mr. Hardy, Monsieur Bonfois. Mr. Laurel, Signor Paltroni. How do you do?

Signor Paltroni, Mr. Hardy. Mr. Bonfois, Mr. Laurel. My name is Bramwell.

Mr. Hardy!

Well, gentlemen, could we get down to business?

Oh. Thank you, Stanley.

Now, just how much is this legacy?

Oh, you Americans, you never seem to believe in formalities, do you?

There's one thing about us:

We always believe in business before pleasure.

You see...


Pardon me.

Thank you very much.

Now, could we proceed?

As a matter of fact we'd better get right to business.

Your Uncle was quite an eccentric.

He, uh, didn't believe in banks.

He insisted in keeping his money in cash.

And here it is. What is it?

It's money... I think.

Indeed, it is money, and a very large sum.

Italian lira. French francs.

And English pounds.

Stanley...

Mr. Laurel, before we actually turn this money over to you there are of course some administrative charges.

These include overhead legal charges... Deflation and motisation...

Currency fluctuation, foreign exchange, and a few other incidentals.

Gentlemen.

Here's your receipt, Mr. Laurel.

Well, gentlemen...

My dear Mr. Hardy, there is another small item.

What now? The taxes.

To save you time we've had them all figured out.

Including, naturally, a slight fee for our services.

These deductions represent income taxes, state taxes, inheritance taxes, death taxes, and living taxes.

And a few other plain taxes. Gentlemen.

I wish Uncle had left me the taxes.

Is that all we get?

Oh, but you also get an island!

An island?

And a beautiful yacht. A yacht?

Yes, yes. The yacht is tied to a dock right here, see, in Marseilles, France.

And the island is here, in the south seas.

Gee, that sounds wonderful, Ollie! Well, that sounds swell. But...

How much are the taxes on that? Oh, none. The island is absolutely tax free!

Here's your money. The papers for the boat.

And this is the deed to the island.

Well, now, that cleans out. I mean, that cleans up the estate.

Gentlemen, I bid you a good day.

Come, Stanley.

Why don't you be careful?

Take a look. Here's your little boat, gentlemen.

And here's your port clearance. Thanks.

We're going to need a crew for this one.

A crew? What do we need a crew for?

I'm running this boat!

Well, let's get on it. Oh, I beg your pardon. Dock fees.

How much? 19.000.

Here are we.

Thank you, sir.

And bon voyage. Merci beaucoup.

Good day. Bon tomorrow! - Thank you.

It's a good thing he didn't take the taxes. We'd have had nothing left.

Oh!

Pardon me. Thanks a lot for reminding me. I forgot about it. Thanks.

Monsieur...

Oh, thank you. It's much too much, sir. Much too much.

What did you have to open your big mouth for?

I didn't know he was going to take it.

Come on and let's take a look at the boat.


We've got plenty of gas!

Let that thing alone!

Put that down!

Look, there's a tunnel. Look.

See? Let's go down.

Why don't you watch where you're walking?

Well, I couldn't help it.

Oh, never mind that. Let's see what we've got here.


I didn't know they were living underneath. Well, they've moved now!

What'd he say? I wouldn't care to repeat it.

Come on!


What happened? Mind your own business!

Oh, look!

What is it? That's an emergency life raft for four people.

You can't get four people into this thing! You don't understand...

Inside is a compressed air cylinder.

When you release the valve it builds up large enough to carry four people.

Well, what about me?

You don't have to be insulting.

Haven't I always taken care of you?

You're the first one I think of.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Ollie.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Juhuu!

Take that snake skin off and get that cargo aboard!

What about me!

What about me?!


Don't waste time like that. Throw them to me and I'll put them there.


Look at that.

What goes on here? There's a man in the cage.

I bet it's Antoine again. But the guy must be mad.

I'm a monkey, I tell you! He's a stateless man.

A what? Somebody who has no nationality.

He's not a bad guy, really, but no country seems to want him.

He'd do anything to get back on land. Let's go, Antoine.

Don't you know it's against the law to land here without a passport?

Arrest me, punish me, teach me a lesson, put me in prison, but remember that to put me in prison you've got to let me land.

How long has he been on your ship, captain? Oh, months.

He tried to get ashore at Tetrokovac, Nagasaki, Caracas, Sydney, Brooklyn. Brooklyn, Salonika... Everywhere we stop.

All I ask for is a country. Well, get a passport!

Oh, that's easy to say...

How can I get a passport if I have no country?

And how can I get in the country if I have no passport?

Sorry, I didn't make the regulations.

You're not allowed to land in this country. That's the law!

Fine laws.

You land monkeys without a passport but not human beings!

Take him back on board.

Let's go!

- Canned food, one crate. Canned food, one crate.

- Six sheets plywood. Six sheets plywood.

Six sheets plywood. Six sheets plywood.

- Sugar, one sack. Sugar, one sack.

Oh... alright. Sugar, one sack.

Won't you ever stop playing hide and seek with us?

Go on. Beat it and quick!

But you two always stop me.

Now, see here. You're probably a good stonemason.

Why don't you go and work in Italy?

But I'm an immigrant! That's just it. Immigrant in Italy.

Are you kidding or something? How can you immigrate to place you've left already?

Well, maybe, but one's a sure thing: You're not going to leave Marseilles without paying your passage.

It's a funny world, huh?

How come?

Well, here we are, catching a man who tries to sneak off a boat and catching another man who tries to sneak on, when they could set it so easily with one another.

Oh, yeah, you borrowed that without asking me.

Well, I wouldn't have mind of losing it if your trick would finally work.

It's tough, eh, Antoine?!

Oh, I'll find another way out. Don't worry. Don't tell me about it, huh.

Good morning, boys.

What'd you say?

I haven't opened my mouth.

Good morning, boys!

Going on a vacation? We're going to the South Seas.

Oh, it's a long trip there and a long way back. Yeah, but we're not coming back.

You see, we own an island out there.

Don't we, Ollie? Uh-huh.

Say, how do you start an engine? With a mechanic, of course.

We can't afford one. We haven't got any money.

We did have but they took it all for taxes.

Well, don't worry.

I'm gonna send you a mechanic and he won't cost you a cent.

Well, everything's arranged.

What is? My execution?

There are two characters along side.

They own an island in the South Seas. You're invited.

And you won't need a passport to get ashore.

Thank you. Thank you.

Bye! Good luck, Antoine, buddy!


Good morning, Stanley. Good morning, Ollie.

Where are we? We're here. See? Right...

Well, we shouldn't be. We'll have to change our course.

Keep her on the course. You can eat later.

But I'm hungry. So am I! Selfish!


Your hat. Oh, thank you.

Forgetting your manners when you get over the...

Stanley, this is wonderful. The sea, the sky, the sun...

And you and I alone on the bounding main.

What do you mean, alone? He's with us.

Oh, of course, Antoine. He's our very, very good friend.

Yes, sir.

And we'll share and share alike. Hm.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Stanley, open the skylight so we can get some of that good sea air.

You know what? You need glasses. It's already open.

When you get to the island you'd better see an optimist.

Hot rolls and butter.

And for the peace 'de resistance'

Antoine presents his specialty

'Le côte de veau'.

'Garni'.

Sounds good. Mhm.

I'm going to enjoy that, I know. I love côte du...


Hey, Antoine.

I suppose in the 'garni' you use a small touch of garlic.

Oh, I hardly use a pinch.

A man that would steal food from a friend is the smallest thing in the world.

Oh, I don't know.

All I hope, Stanley, is that you enjoyed your roll.

How could I enjoy it, when you stole it?

What do you mean, I stole it? You stole it! Pathetic.

I would like you to know how happy I am to have you both as my friends.

I would like to give you a toast.

I give you a friendship!

Friendship! Friendship!

Here's how!


Lets have another, eh?

To friendship.

To friendship. To friendship.

Here's to your health.

Friendship... Friendship. That's something really swell, no?

No! Definitely no!

Oh! Oh, the chops are done. Sit down, my friends.

Antoine is going to serve you his masterpiece.


What's the matter now? You know what's the matter.

I want my chop! Varnished with garlic!

You've got a lot of nerve.

You want my chop after you've eaten yours!

I'm sorry. Well you should be!

Just a minute!

Where's my potato?

Now, listen:

If you think I've eaten your roll and your potato and drank your wine, weigh me.

Well, if you didn't, who did?

You can't scare us with that.

As admiral of this ship, I'll have Stanley put you in irons!

What's all this about?

You stole my potato!

Yeah! And my roll, wine, and chop!

Incidentally...

Who's steering the boat?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I tied the wheel on it's course.

Well, for once you have used your head.

Thank you, Ollie.

I'll try and do that more often.

What was that? The motor's stopped.

Fix it. You're the engineer.

To tell you the truth, I'm not a mechanic.

The captain on that boat cooked up that story just to get rid of me.

As usual, I'll have to do everything myself.

Get up on deck and stand by.

Stand by what?

Get up the deck!

We'll take this little matter up later!

What do you think is wrong with it?

There's no use guessing. We'll just have to take it apart and find out.

In other words, use your head.

What for?

Well, you could use yours for a bowling ball.

You mean one of those with a hole in? Exactly!

Now, give me a hand.

Now let that be a lesson to you.

Here.

Here.

Put that down!

Ollie.

What?

The gas tank's empty.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

Give me the parts and I'll put them back together.

Now we've got nothing left but the sail.

Now, when I give the signal you pull.

What are you doing? I could have broken my arm!

Who are you and what are you doing on this boat?

You got no rights here.

I have my rights! I'm coming as a stowaway!

They didn't tell us a stowaway came with the boat. No.

Listen, fellas, I could easily have been a stowaway on any other boat.

I happened to pick this one.

Then you had to find me and spoil everything.

We had to use the sail because the engines broke!

Well, why don't you try fixing the motor? We tried to, but it fell in the sea. Blub.

Fell in the sea...

Holy mackerel! Just my luck to be a stowaway on a boat run by two land lubbers who manage to drop the engine in the ocean! The ocean! Aah!

You know, I think we've offended him.

What's happening? What goes on here? We've got a stowaway aboard.

This is Antoine, the chef.

Giovanni Copini.

Glad to meet you, sir. And this is Stanley.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Why don't you be careful?

Come on. We can't waste all day just talking.

Get that rope! Get the sail up! Go ahead!

You, the fat one, get on the other side!

Pull! It takes muscle to raise a sail!

The fat one, the other side! All together now!

Come on, pull on that!


Just in time to eat lunch. Never mind eating.

What happened to my pants?

I put them right there to dry. The cannot disappear...

Hey, the boat's moving!

You get...

Kinda nice, eh, Stanley? Sure is.

Just like playing hooky from school.

We're all playing hooky more or less.

Giovanni, what are you playing hooky from?

From a world where I'm always being told what to do and then how to do it.

One day a rich real estate man in my village hired me to build a wall.

I spent weeks trying to find bricks with the right shape and kind of color he wanted.

I fitted them in the place one by one as if they were jewels.

When the wall was finished it was shining in the sun like a real work of art because it was me, Giovanni, the best mason money can buy.

Then the man came to have a look.

And he ordered me to tear down the wall.

He suddenly changed his mind. He wanted a picket fence.

That's when I decided to play hooky.

We don't blame you.

And you, what are you playing hooky from? Taxes!

Yeah. We don't like taxes.

Hey, Antoine. What about you? Where is your home?

My home?

I don't know.

The whole world ought to be man's country.

But for me... someone seems to have locked all the doors.

I can just see our island now.

Palm trees, flowers, the sun to warm us, and the gentle rain.

It's a storm! Don't you think we'd better get the boat ready?

Yes, it looks like a bad one.

I never saw one like this before. Me either!

We'd better pull down the sail. I'll go get the life raft.


Pull down the sail!


Help!

Help! Help!

He...


Ah, look at that!

An island! We're on an island!

Stanley, we're on an...

We're on an island! Take a peep!

Take a peep!

I'm too popped to peep.

Oh!

Oh, look. Look.

Oh, boy!

It's an atoll! That's what it is! An atoll!

Come on!

Take care, brother. Easy, easy. Easy, easy. Yeah. Yeah.

It's alright! It's alright!

Let's go fishing now, eh?

Hand me a basket. Right away.

Quick! A pot, some wood. Build a fire for the bouillabaisse.

Don't forget to put some garlic in it.

Oh, without it, it wouldn't be a real bouillabaisse.


Well, it don't look so bad. Still in good condition.

Antoine, what time are you serving dinner?

If you want to eat, you'd better go build a fire.

And you, my boy, clean the fish.

You get the paper and I'll get the wood.

Ollie! Yeah?

Hold this a minute, will ya? Okay.

You know, boys, there seems to be a lot of room for building houses here.

Yeah, it sure is naked around here.

Admiral, what do we do on a deserted island?

Here's a man that was shipwrecked and he did alright. Listen.

"Robinson Crusoe was born in the city of York.

"His father wanted him to become a lawyer, but young Crusoe longed to go to sea."

Our modern Robinson Crusoes have gotten used to their new life.

By using the latest scientific farming methods they have tamed the wild land.

And Mother Nature has supplied them with plenty of fresh water.

Man has set to work, so has nature.

She has quickly changed the burned rock into an enchanting paradise.

Weeks, months, years have passed.

Everything is now improved.

At last our castaways have earned the right to take a little time off from their hard work.

Oscar.

Oscar!


For the animals as well as for the men this island has become a real paradise.

Yes, but a Garden of Eden without Eve and Adam is bored.

But... But what's this?

Where are these skipping stones leading us to?

To Papeete, the capital of Tahiti.

And who do we find? Eve!

I beg your pardon... Chérie Lamour.

As you can see she's got plenty of brains and culture.

The most glamorous girl in Tahiti, and born in Paris, of course.

Today is her big day.

First of all she is taking an audition at the Cockatoo, the smartest night club in town.

And also she is expected at the courthouse for an important occasion.

She's going to marry Lieutenant Jack Frazer.

What time is it?

Play us the song.


Thank you.

Can't you stand and have a drink on that? Oh, no, no, no. I'm late to be far away.

Thank you. Good bye. Thank you, goodbye.

Ah, Miss Lamour, this way, please.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so pleased.

It hardly looks like it. You're three quarters of an hour late!

You're not going to grumble about three little quarters of an hour?

Your Honor, I didn't keep you waiting, I hope.

Well, it... Ah, ah.. cherie.

Ow, Your Honor, look at them. Aren't they lovely?

But you've so extravagant, my dear. Miss Lamour, and you, sir...

Marriage is a most important thing, and I should like before proceeding any further...

I got my contract. What contract?

When we're married we're going to share everything in common.

That's not what I'm talking about.

My contract with the Cockatoo! My debut's tomorrow night.

So you'll be able to come and see me before you sail.

Miss Lamour, if you please. Won't you...

Oh, but I'm listening to you, Your Honour.

Miss Lamour, Lieutenant, marriage is a most important thing.

Just a minute.

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Your Honor, but I've something to straighten out with my fiance. It's most unusual but if...

Am I to understand that you intend to continue your career after we are married?

But of course, my sweetheart.

You never suggested that I should give it up.

I never broached the subject because I took it for granted that after we're married you'd devote yourself entirely to me.

Nothing could please me more if you were here all the time, but when you spend ten months out of the year sailing the seas. what would you expect me to do?

Swim behind your little barge?

Well, look, honey.

I'm not going to tolerate that while I'm out at sea you spend your nights play 'Come on, girl' in some clip joint.

Ah!

'Come on, girl' in some clip joint?!

What do you think I am? I'm an actress, not a bum.

You know what people call me?

The female Caruso. That's a fact, Your Honor. The female Caruso.

Calm yourself, Miss Lamour. I'm very calm, Your Honour!

But I'm not going to submit to this kind of blackmail! In that case I'm not going to hang around here.

You think about it, but think fast.

Please, sir...

Let him go away, Your Honour. I won't run after him. Do you hear me?

Miss Lamour...

Think about it as well and come ang give me your answer tomorrow night at the Cockatoo.

If you're not in the audience I know what your answer is. Jack?

Sweetheart.

He will come, won't he?

Tell him, if he doesn't show up tomorrow night he'll never see me again.

I don't know what I'll do, yet, but I'll see to it he never finds me.

Okay, I'll give him the message, but you know him better than I do.

Well, then he'll show up, I'm sure.


Magnificent. And to think that dickhead didn't show up.

He didn't show up! He didn't show up! He ruined everything!

Where is he? He sailed this morning.

I won't even listen, he said he wouldn't give in. I wouldn't give in, either.

Did you tell him he might lose me forever?

I did.

Encore. Encore!

They want an encore. Hurry up! Yes, yes.

But Jack will be back in two weeks. You'll see him again.

What do I care. I won't be here. What?

When is your ship sailing, captain? Next Friday. Why?

Take me as a passenger.

But my tub's no luxury liner, you understand?

It makes no difference. All I want is to leave!

Hey! There's also my wife!


Oh, is the hunting season on?

Get up! Out of that bed!

Your husband should've warned me that you're coming on this voyage.

I wouldn't have sailed on this slave ship.

I never believed that story of your american friend being home.

I had a hunch you're going to pay for my husband.

Get up.

And start your packing. You're going to throw me over board?

No.

We're going to land you on an island.

An island... unknown. Are there people on it?

You'll find out about that as soon as you land.

Wherever you appear, in no time you're surrounded by men.

No! I tell you it isn't fair to poor girl off in a deserted island.

There're husbands right for her.

Where are husbands, there are people.

It suits. Get moving.

But I keep telling you she only came aboard on account of Frazer, just to make him jealous.

He'll blow his top if I tell him that I put off on an island.

You don't have to tell him about this.

On the other hand...

Tell him I can be just as stubborn as he can.

I row you over. No, you don't.

You stay right here.

She knows how to row. And if she can't... she'll have to swim.

So long, sweetheart. Oh, no!

I'm glad you boys are here. I wanna talk to you.

Where were you fellas a while ago?

I was down at the beach getting these fish for dinner. See?

I was working in the garden.

Did you see or hear anything?

Just the waves. Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because I was down by the lagoon, and I thought I heard the engines of a big boat.

Then it whistled.

By the time I climbed up to see... there was nothing there. That's because it had gone.

Ah. Ah.

What had gone?

The boat.

You mean to tell me that you saw a boat and didn't let us know?

Well, I saw it, and I waved to it, but it didn't wave back, so I...

Get us something to drink before I forget myself.

Stan has certainly received more than his share of stupidity.

Yeah, no one person could be really such a blockhead.

Pardon me.

What's the matter with you?

I think I saw something.

What are you talking about?

There's a girl in the kitchen.

You are absolutely right.

There she is!

Hello.

Well...

Hello, fellas.

How... How did you get here? Well...

I guess you might say I was dropped by a witch. Like one that rides on a broom?

Oh, no.

This one used a shotgun.

I'm sorry for this intrusion, but you'll have to take me as a guest, I'm afraid.

It will be a pleasure.

I knew I should've built a guest house a long time ago. Oh...

There's no place for me to stay? Don't you worry your pretty little head about that.

Giovanni and Antoine will move in with Stanley and me.

And you can stay right here. You're very kind.

Come, my little princess, and I shall show you to your boudoir.

You know, I think I'm going to like this place.

It's swell. You don't have to shave or anything.

I left my cases down at the beach with all my things.

Gentlemen, get the lady's luggage and bring it to her chateau.

Thank you.

What's that funny thing up there? That, my dear, is the wreckage of the good ship Momus.

I shall never forget the day that I found this island.

It was a terrible night, dark as pitch.

It was so pitch, you couldn't see your hand behind your back.

Exactly, Stanley.

Then, all of a sudden I spotted that harbour.

I put her bow into the teeth of the gale, lashed myself to the wheel and beached her on that pinnacle.

And it's been there ever since.

Well, boys, you must have had trouble getting it up so high.

He read it in a book.

Uh, come, my dear. Book...

One, two, three... All there. Thank you.


Stanley, have you forgotten that we have company?

Gentlemen, make yourselves comfortable.

Gentlemen...


Stanley...

Yes?

This is my side.

Well, there's no room on my side.

Well, the fair thing to do is to take turns.

While one sits up, the other sleeps and when he wakes up, we change.

Now, that's what I call a sport.

Thank you, Ollie.

That's a good idea.

I sleep and then when you wake up, I sleep again.

Haven't you forgotten something?

Huh?

Haven't you forgotten something?

Oh... Good night, Ollie.

I'm sorry, Ollie. Get up and put that candle out.

But you said that I could... Go ahead, selfish.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Ollie.

Are you awake yet?

No!


Pardon me.


What is that thing? Look out!

Open the window and we'll drive him out.


This morning I'm going to prepare a magnificent seagull egg omelette with fine herbs.

Omelette. Bah!

Well, today I'm going to draw the plans for a splendid villa with a big roman bath.

What are you going to do, Ollie? I'm going to give you fellas a piece of my mind.

Chérie's a nice girl, isn't she?

Exquisite. Charming!

Pretty, too. And we're all friends, aren't we?

Of course. Naturally.

Well, I make a motion that we never let a woman come between us. Agreed?

Of course. I agree.

Now, let's all get dressed.

Say, Ollie, where's the sandpaper? Sandpaper?

In that locker. Thank you.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

Thanks a lot.

Pardon me.

Thank you.

Pardon me.


Hey!

Look!

Hello.

What's the matter?

The cat got your tongues?

How nice you look this morning.

Come on, come on. I want you to sit down.

I'll have the food on the table in two seconds.

Look! She's done clean plates! Even a table cloth!

And clean napkins!

She even swept the floor. Yes.

Does this belong to anybody?

Never saw that guy before. Nobody I know. - No.

It's mine.

It's a friend.

It's just someone I knew once.

I have a little surprise which I hope you're going to like.

What, another one?

What is it?

A bouillabaisse.

Tell me, was your boyfriend fond of bouillabaisse?

Oh, he loved it.


Is this the warehouse you've been building?

As warehouses go, it's a funny warehouse.

This is no warehouse!


It's for you.

For me? Yes, for you. It sure is easy to fool you.

Did you really think we were building a refrigerator?

We were afraid you'd find out, so we put on all the decorations last night.


Come on in.


It's just lovely.

You've all been such wonderful friends. This is the first real home I've ever had.

I'm so happy I...

You're not content just to be a singer.

You've also got to be the comedian.

What are you playing now?

Snow white and the seven dwarves?

That's the fella in the picture that she carries around with her.

Alright! You've tracked me down! Now what?

You're wrong, baby. I never tried tracking you down.

Our old friend Dolan reported he'd seen an uncharted island.

My business here is to chart it.

My men are out there working at it now.

Look here...

I suppose I had to have my head examined but I'm going to give you one more chance.

Go and pack you're things and be down at the beach in 15 minutes.

What for?

Well, I suppose you want to be rescued, don't you?

Not by you!

Lieutenant! Come right away! We've found something!

OK. I'll be right with you.

This is your last chance.

Are you coming?

No!

We'd better keep an eye on that guy.

He looks like a man who would steal our island.

It's uranium! The place is loaded with it.

Uranium.

Which one of you fellas happened to land first on this island?

Let me handle this, fellas.

Why do you ask that?

Because it will determine which nation owns the island.

We all own it.

Of course, of course, you own the island.

You're the real proprietors but some country has got to claim sovereignty.

International law specifies that an island belongs to the country whose citizen was first to set foot on it.

So some country can take our island? That's right.

And if that country has immigration laws?

You'll have to abide by those laws. Even income tax laws?

Income tax laws, inheritance taxes and sales taxes.

You know what they're trying to do? They're trying to take our geraniums.

That's it, exactly!

Pardon us for just one moment.

Let's tell him that we all landed on the island at the same time.

We can't tell a lie. Antoine was the first to land.

It was a terrible night and... Alright, alright.

Here's how it is.

I was the first man to set foot on this island. OK.

What's your name? Antoine.

Antoine what? Antoine Master of Cooking.

Nationality? I haven't any.

You see, he is what is known as a stateless man.

Or in other words, a misplaced person.

You see, he's lost and he can't find himself.

Listen, you've got to have a nationality. Telling me?

I explained that in every port wherever I tried to land, but no country wanted to have me.

Every country now will want to have you.

I'll go and radio the authorities and dump it in somebody's lap.

So long, gentlemen.

Bye, bye. So long, Lieutenant.

You can call the gentlemen of the press.

Is it true a new island's been discovered? Can you give us the facts? - Who does it belong to?

Not so fast, gentlemen, not so fast.

The island belongs to no one, for the time being. To no one?

Four shipwrecked men have settled down there, but the first man who stepped down the island is a stateless person, a citizen of no nationality.

Consequently no country is an a position to lay claim to sovereignty on the island.

Is it an important island? Important?

It is loaded with the biggest deposits of uranium discovered to this day.

Uranium? Uranium?

Here's the complete file, gentlemen.

You can go through it as you please.

Every hour on the hour this station is giving you up to the minute reports... about difficults... of the great states... in the metter of... the recent discovery in the Pacific... of an island which will be known hence forth as Atoll H.

I beg your pardon. Atoll K.

After a fortnight of conferences...

The great powers in a joint statement issued today, announced the appointment of an international commission... to decide which nation will be awarded sovereignty rights... over the island which has emerged from the ocean only a short time ago and will be known as Atoll K.

This statement was welcomed with relief in the world capitals.

Now it has become only a question of time before some government raises it's flag over Atoll K.

Some government's flag, they say.

Do you hear that?

Well, why don't we make a government of our own? Chérie's right!

I'll write a constitution like has never been written before.

Sharpen this!

This will have to be a short constitution.

Now...

We, the people... of... of...

Crusoeland,

in order to save our island, do hereby form a government.

Now, what kind of government do we want?

Very little government would be good, I think.

Without too many laws. And no passports.

No passports.

And no prisons. No prisons.

What?

No taxes. No taxes.

This is getting to be a perfect government.

And I will add, no laws and no money.

And that's all we have room for.

Now, the next thing is to hold an election.

I vote for myself as President.

And Stanley seconds the motion. But I'm the discoverer of our island!

I vote for me! You vote for me too, don't you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Giovanni votes only for Giovanni.

Electioneering is over.

Chérie, count the votes.

One vote for Giovanni.

One vote for Antoine.

One, two, three... Three votes for Oliver Crusoe.

The President is elected by a comfortable majority.

As President of Crusoeland, I will now choose my cabinet.

Chérie, you are my Vice President. Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

Antoine, you are my foreign minister.

I am very proud.

Giovanni, you are the minister of construction. You couldn't have made a better choice.

Well, that's that.

What about me?

Stanley, you are the people!

I don't want to be the people!

What do you mean, you don't want to be the people?

There are more of you than there are of us!

You mean, there's a lot of me? Certainly!

Oh, why didn't you tell me? I didn't know.

Mr. President, but now we will have to have a flag.

Giovanni's right. We can't have a government without a flag.

Can't we use this as a flag?

That will be perfect!

Yes, but we will need an emblem.

Wait a second. I have an idea.


That is impossible to keep this house clean.

Look at that. Terrible.

See? The dust did that.


Stan, Ollie! What happened?

Looks like we're being invaded. What happened? Take a look at the beach.

Under the principle of self determination, the constitution proposed by the government, has been ratified by unanimous vote.

We have no other alternative but to recognise this new sovereign state, the Crusoeland.


Pardon me.

Pardon me.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. It's a great hit, my bouillabaisse Waiter, waiter! - Yes, yes, yes. Antoine, more bouillabaisse. - Yes.

Poor Antoine. Poor Antoine's right, huh?

Honestly, what I owe you, buddy? Nothing.

Nothing at all? Let's say you do nothing. This is a free country.

Oh, boy. If I'd known that I'd taken a bottle.

Here, take one.

Give him another one, Stanley. Well, certainly.

Oh, Geez, thanks, mister. Thanks a million, mister.

Give me that.

Who said you could give that stuff away?

I brought this licor out here, so I could sell it.

I want cash. But money is against the rules of our constitution.

Yean, and we have no taxes, either. Oh, yeah?

Taxes I don't care about.

You gotta make money for 'em.

Farewell. Out of my way, fatty!

Give me a bottle of cognac!

Which one?

That one!

I'm sorry, but you'll have to pay for that.

Who said so?

He did.

What are you having?

You!

Let me go. You can't do that.

They said it's a free country here.

As President of this island I demand that you desist.

Do that again!

You keep out of this, nitwit!

I'll have you thrown off of this island for that!

Yeah, we'll have you imported. If I were you, my fine friends, I wouldn't be too sure.

See you later.

Gentlemen.

I'll have him thrown off this island, if it's the last thing I do!

That's not possible. Why not?

Because we have no such laws. Yes. That would be pretty difficult.

We'd be forced to change the constitution.

If you want my advice, Mr. President, call a meeting of the cabinet. That's a good idea. Come on.

We'll attend to that right now!

Enjoy yourself, folks. We'll be right back.

This island is a paradise governed by idiots.

A man like me could put himself in power and lay his hands on its trunk of money. Just think of it.

You want to come in on it with me? It sounds alright, but what are the people going to say?

They're happy with things the way they are. The people. Haha!

We're just telling them they're not happy.

They're always ready to believe that.

We'll have to organize a few demonstrations.

That will show them how dangerous it is to live without law.

I'm afraid you're late.

The president has just put up a proclamation declaring that from now on law and order will be the rule.


It sure is quiet out there.

That's because I showed a firm hand with our proclamation.

And now I'll make a tour round the island and test the public's reaction.

You don't have to.

They're coming to visit you. They're coming to apologise.

I knew that would bring them to their senses.

Who wrote that?

He did.

I now put you under arrest. But he's the President.

He certainly is.

Why don't you hang him?

You have just given me an excellent idea.

As defender of law and order I can guarantee you'll have a fair and honest trial.

You will confess everything, and then you'll be hanged like gentlemen at sunrise.

Thank you very much.

What'd he say?

Why don't you keep your big mouth shut?

Are you going to hang her too?

Of course not.

She is much too beautiful.

If you will consent, my dear, I'll take you under my personal protection.

What can I say, but thank you. I can't believe my ears.

Well, if you can't believe those ears, you can't believe anything.

Put some guards around the house.

I'll immediately go and start a crew building a gallows.

Oh, by the way, now that I'm going to be President, I'll need that outfit.

Will you accompany me, my dear? But of course.

I still can't believe my... Oh, shut up!

See if the guards are still out there.

He missed me!

Attention! Attention!

Commander in chief, geographic station Tahiti, calling Lieutenant Frazer.

SS area, report your position. 8:30 a.m., wavelength 15 metres. Over.

Lucky I was hired to come here as a radio operator.

Without Alecto I'd be sunk. Which reminds me, he was just looking for you, Alecto.

Where is he?

Oh, over there.

Hello.

Lieutenant Frazer.

Lieutenant Frazer!

Lieutenant, it's for you.

Sounds like a dame.

Lieutenant Frazer.

Lieutenant Frazer!

Hello, snow white.

Don't tell me the dwarves are annoying you.

Hello, Jack. Oh, listen to me. You've got to come right away.

They started a revolution. They build the gallows. They're going to hang everyone.

I need you! Do you hear me?

Change your course, 20 points to starboard.

Of course I can hear you.

But you don't really need me.

But, Jack, don't kid me. There isn't a minue to lose.

If you love me... You, too.

Round up everybody and tell them the traitors of the government of Carusoeland will be hanged within the hour.

And now let's get the principal actors. Hip hip hurra!

One, two, three, four... Let's go!


Get away! Quick! Is this another one of your tricks?

What do you mean, tricks? Tricks. Sure, she's full of them.

We go outside and the guards shoot us. You're wrong!

I just got rid of the guards outside.

I put a stone in my purse.

I went with Alecto only because one of us had to remain free to save the others.

What are we waiting for? Come on!

No. I'm staying here. But we can't leave you here!

I've got to stay here and send them in the other direction.

Thank you very much, miss. Now hurry up! Hurry up!


But how did it happen? I haven't got time to explain!

You've got to run and try to catch those brutes.

But did you notice which way they went?

That way! Follow me!


Follow me!

Hurry up! They went this way!

Hey, look at that!

I think we're safe here.

Don't you?

He must have fainted.

What happened?

Chérie!

It's Chérie!

Stan, answer me. Forgive me. I didn't know it was you. Please, look at me.

How did you manage to catch them? But I... I...

The girl is absolutely wonderful. She has a stone in her bag!

Quick!

Get them out of here! We're going to give the signal for the show to begin.

As a token of thanks for your help, without which I would never have succeeded, I am giving you the honour of pulling the lever that will drop these traitors into eternity.

Alecto! Alecto!

This girl is in cahoots with the traitors! Look where he's standing.

What are you talking about? She overpowered us and let them escape!


I don't get it. I've just been checking. We're exactly on the position where the island stood.

This is what you would call a lucky break.

Oh, no!

What do you mean, no?

I don't want to be rescued by him! Why not?

He was too long getting here!

This world of ours is definitely no fair place but people go on living just the same.

Chérie Lamour is finally marrying her Lieutenant.

And they look forward to many years of happily married life.

...and never jilted me!

Do you take for your wedded wife Miss Chérie Lamour?

OK, OK!

Right, right.

I now pronounce you man and wife. Is that why you've jilted me?

I jilted you, you say? Yes!

Giovanni has gone back to his native Italy.

Instead of building marble palaces, he'll go on forever building fences.

Antoine has been brought back to the boat from which he ran away.

Still anxious to give up this life of wandering, he tries once more his usual means of escape.

But this time he's gotten into the wrong sort of cage.

As for our two heroes, after all their mishaps, they've finally gotten their inheritance.

Their own south sea island and there far away from all the cares of the world, they settled down to a well earned rest.

That was sure was nice of Frazer and Chérie to land us here on our own real island.

Give us all this food and everything...

Just like a fresh start in life. It certainly is.

And they're going to send us new supplies every six months.

At last, all of our troubles are over.

Yes, sir. Nothing to do from now on but eat and sleep.

And nobody to tell us what to do.

What are you doing here? What are we doing here?

Well, this is our island!

There must be some mistake.

This island has been taken over by the government for insufficient payment of inheritance taxes.

Moreover, you've also been fined for the delay.

It's my duty to seize your supplies and food.

Take it away!

Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!

Well, I couldn't help it. You're always blaming me for everything. I didn't know that...