Vamp U (2011) Script

Sue... sue shells sea-sells by the she-shore.

Toy boat, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt, toy boyt.

Unique New York, new-ique New York, New York, new-ique 'nique nork.

My crotch fell.

Knocked over the crotch.

I should move this.

Petunia. Petunia.

Hey.

It's me, Tom Slansky, on what could turn out to the be the biggest night of my life.

"Why?" You ask.

Have you ever heard of... D of...

vampires?

"No, no, Tom.

They're fake, the things of fairy tales."

You, okay?

Sorry, mom, for the "" a little bit about me... I'm a sophomore at Hawthorne college.

I'm majoring in photography.

Uh, my favorite thing to shoot is the female form.

But this story's not about me... this is about Dr. G, the...

And guess what... he's a vampire.

"Oh, a vampire that teaches history... that's counterintuitive."

You again, man.

Once upon a time, Dr. G fell in love... with a human named Mary.

Get a chamber!

No.

But then, this one time in Mary's bedchamber, they were in there, and it was getting late, but they didn't care, and they were all over each other.

And then the sun went down, and he bit her.

Aah!

He killed the love of his life.

Everyone was pissed.

Her family didn't even let him come to the funeral...

Just 'cause he killed her.

Good thing he's a genius and dressed up like friar tuck and snuck in to see her.

Thief!

Gretzky!

I never meant to hurt her.

The devil himself disguised as a man of the cloth.

Don't be a fool, Gregor.

Ohh!

You'll rot in hell, Wayne Gretzky.

You'll rot in hell!

I'm already there.

He just kicked Gregor's ass, but did you notice that his teeth didn't grow?

Ever since Mary died, his teeth went limp.

Goodbye, Mary.

So, for the last 300 years, Dr. G has been wandering the earth with his flaccid fangs, surviving on nothing more than animal blood... that is, until a few months ago.

You know, vampire impotence is just another facet of human impotence.

I am not impotent.

Your teeth won't grow.

What would you call it?

I just think the comparison may be useful.

Well, in what way?

Well, your impotence began when you killed the love of your life.

Sorry, Herman.

Ooh. Bleeder.

Say "hello" to Mary.

No, it's not uncommon for a murderer to become impotent...

Because it's usually... my God.

What is up your butt, Wayne?

You know, maybe this whole thing would work better if we were just friends.

Better for who?

Not for you... you need help, my friend.

I know, but no one has experience with this stuff.

I have experience with people, and you look just like a person to me.

Only, if I do my job right, we're gonna have you looking more like a demon.

We don't look like demons.

On "Buffy," you do.

In real life, we don't.

Well I'm still learning.

There's not a lot of hard evidence on your breed.

The only reference I have is pop culture, okay?

But, in any case, I'm, uh, I'm glad you trust me.

I am, too.

So, who's Chris' advisor?

Dr. Levine, I think.

But he smells like homemade bread.

Ugh!

Look, we caught a largemouth ass.

Ohh!

More like a largemouth dick.

What?

Fred, where's your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

Just admit... she doesn't exist.

And when the sun goes down, you guys get gay.

Just admit that you smell like shit a-all day long.

What?

♪ Ghost-penning songs for big-hair aristocrats ♪

♪ now she lies in a plush, velvet bed ♪

♪ shaped like a coffin and filled with bats ♪ I think I'm just gonna wait in the car.

♪ I'm smitten and... ♪ I'm sorry.

I forgot my hat.

Oh, you're such a bitch!

Chris.

No, Ted.

♪ Night blooming ♪

♪ and she bites through necks... ♪ She's right.

♪ ...like Ginsu ♪

♪ a sweet, sweet heartkiller ♪ No, no, no, no.

There's... there's nothing wrong with a freshman being undeclared.

It's difficult to know what you want to do with the rest of your life when you're only 18.

I'm 19.

Oh. Were you held back?

What's that supposed to mean?

Why would you say that?

Yes?

Ah, speak of the vampire.

Speak of the devil.

He's not a vampire.

Um, I've been reading "twilight."

All I can think about is vampires.

That was not... Gretzky’s, uh... he's not a vampire.

He's a hell of a history teacher.

He seemed a bit scared.

He was... But in a good way.

The students just love him.

Uh, apparently those vampires can have sex all night long.

How do you like that Edward, hmm?

I don't read that shit.

Chris, please.

What, dad?

This is college.

You can say "shit" here.

That's right, Ted.

Some of our professors use the word "shit" in their lectures.

Well, they shouldn't.

You're right... they shouldn't.

I'll look into that.

Enough said.

I just think you should loosen up a little bit, dad.

It's just... it's the language.

I know, but it's college, dad... college.

Uh.

Fred!

Hey, hey, Chris.

Hey, hey!

Hi.

Hi!

Beautiful.

Hey, I like your hair.

I cut it.

Yeah, it looks good.

Not good enough.

Uh, Mr. Keller.

Fred, please.

Sorry... Ted.

Uh, guys, uh, this is Chris and her father, Ted.

Uh, these are my fraternity brothers.

This is Jared. Boom.

And this is Kyle... Hey.

Knuckles.

And Tom.

Hey.

Wow. Great to meet you guys, really.

Uh, I got to go, honey, so... Okay. Mwah!

Mwah! Mm!

Fred, take care of my little girl, okay?

I will do her.

Uh, I'll... I-I-I will do it.

I'll take... I'll take care of her.

So, Chris, are you pledging with anyone?

Yeah, with, uh, kappa omicron.

Kappa O’s are the biggest hos!

Unh!

Unh!

Well, which ones are you guys in, again?

We're STDs.

STDs, gonna give you the disease.

We're sigma tau delta.

Hey, it's the great one.

Why does he have an umbrella?

He's got a skin disease, and he's cool as shit.

That's Dr. Gretzky.

Oh, that's him?

Yeah, he teaches history.

Remember, I tried to get you to take that class?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I-I mean, I guess I'll add it.

Yeah, my advisor said everybody loves him.

He's awesome.

Your advisor talked about him?

Yeah, you know, he walked into my advisor's office, and he goes, "speak of the vampire."

"Speak of the vampire"?

This is history 205.

I'm your Professor, Dr. Gretzky.

Who's here to add the class?

I must be popular.

Professor Gretzky, I'm sure you get this all the time, but were you named after Wayne Gretzky?

I was named Wayne Gretzky long before Wayne Gretzky was named Wayne Gretzky.

I'm pretty sure he's older than you.

He's like 50.

I'm not named after him.

He wishes.

Wayne Gretzky wasn't even in the NHL when I was born.

Hasn't anyone ever heard of a coincidence?!

It's okay, Tom.

Sorry, Dr. G.

It's all right.

We're going to cover coincidences in history.

You know, you really upset your daughter today.

I'm not gonna change my beliefs just because it's her first day of college.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that.

You know Ron from whole foods... well, he grew up Amish, and he said the Amish have no problem with being out in the sun.

And he has mirrors in his house.

Yeah, well, we don't like being photographed.

You go to mass.

My mother was catholic.

Mary, I don't believe you're Amish.

I gave up believing that years ago.

Well, what do you think I am?

I don't care.

I always just wrote it off as slight neuroses... might be easier just to let it slide.

You know what?

If you're not careful, you're gonna lose your relationship with your daughter.

Ted, there are things about me that I just can't change and that I don't like to talk about.

I would think you should understand that.

What's that supposed to mean?

When was the last time you wanted to make love to me?

That's not fair.

Don't worry.

I just chalk it up to slight neuroses.

So, he cuts the guy's arm off, but he doesn't beat him with it... he slaps him with his own hand.

Genghis really did have a wonderful sense of humor.

I mean, he would... he actually would laugh the most during the physical act of love.

I remember one time when I was... when somebody wrote down, um, that he was entertaining a woman with a leg-length discrepancy.

As he pulled the boot off the short leg, he just starts to laugh.

All the men in the neighboring caves start to laugh.

When we all look... they all look up, and they see Genghis wearing the short-leg boot.

"Unh."

Oh, man, I miss him.

I mean, uh, you know, I miss... I miss reading about him.

Well, can't you still read about him?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I could... could.

But, um, it... it wouldn't be the same.

It wouldn't be as fun.

As fun as what?

Is this going to be on a test?

Yes, everything I say is gonna be on the test.

I'm kidding.

It's not gonna be on the test.

But it's history.

That's right, Tom ...It's history.

I meant to tell you... I, um, I really enjoyed your paper last semester about, uh, impotence among murderers.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I actually learned a lot.

You did?

Well, not about myself, of course.

I-I'll see you Tuesday. Sure.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

"Speak of the vampire"?

I apologize.

I was flustered.

I had just insulted a student.

I said what came to my mind.

What happened to doctor/patient privilege?

I know, but, come on, like anyone would ever believe it.

We'll talk about this later.

I got to get to class.

How fast can you run the 40?

What are you talking about?

If I were a vampire, I'd be in the NFL.

You'd make a hell of a free safety.

I can't believe Lorianne wants to do a blood drive again.

I mean, I want to do something different, like maybe a plasma drive.

Well, what's a plasma drive?

Chris, you are like the coolest bitch I know.

I mean, you are not afraid to ask questions.

Hey, Fred.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, have you met the... Oh, hey, you guys, look... it's the great one.


What was that about?

I couldn't control it.

I mean, it was the same way with Mary.

I could control myself during the day, but as soon as that sun went down... Then all bets were off.

Ohh.

300 years of limp teeth and a couple of sessions with me...

Well, you're not cured, but, hey, come on.

I mean, w-who is she?

I'll tell you who she is... she is your vampire Viagra.

She is?

And I am your four-hour erection, baby...

You know, until we get, uh, you vamping out on your own.

I mean, it w-wasn't a full vamp out.

I mean, my teeth just barely are starting to tingle.

Oh, tingle, schmingle.

I mean, if you would have stayed around here a while longer, you would have had this whole school scared shitless.

Oh, man, she looked just like her.

Doesn't surprise me.

Really?

Yeah, there... there are only so many available faces in this world.

You were bound into run into hers again.

I once treated a young woman who was the spitting image of my second wife... I mean, it was head to toe.

It... Almost cost me my APA license.

But... She was worth it, and so is this juicy peach.

Oh, it's weird not seeing you and Tom together.

Oh, yeah, well, he has barbershop at night, so didn't work out.

That's too bad.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you... when you came in the building, I thought you... you fell down.

Oh, yeah, that... that was, um, like a hundred bees.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'm glad you're all right.

I mean, you seemed pretty panicked, so... I just hate bees.

Hey.

Professor Gretzky?

Yes.

Who are you?

I'm Chris Keller.

Um, I'm not on your roll, but I was wondering...

Mm, yes, you want to clad my ass.

You want to, um, add my class.

Uh, yeah.

Would that be all right?

Yes, of course.

I was, uh... Mnh.

Excuse me.

Um, I just found out that my mother died.

Um.

Class dismissed.

Oh. Ah.

Poor guy's hysterical.

Yeah.

Dr. G.

What?

What?

Whoa.

Your breath is hot.

Oh! Oh!

You're gay.

Gay?

Oh! Aah.

Ugh.


♪ I've seen the light in my dark, sitting alone in the park ♪

♪ the stillness of the breeze... ♪ Poor Barry.

Poor big, gay Barry.

Hey!

Got one for you!

♪ ...'cause you're much more important than them ♪

So, yeah, I think once she gets into her classes, like, she'll have more time to focus on other stuff.

Like, I really hope she gets into Dr. G’s class.

I think... Speak of the vampire!

Hey, Chris told us what Dr. Levine said.

Oh.

What a d-bag.

Yeah, isn't he?

No, he's cool, though... And shit.

Whoa, Dr. G.

I didn't know you cussed.

Well, you know, I don't usually.

It sounded really good.

Hey, uh, are you ...Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

What do you mean?

Oh, I mean your mom ...She passed away.

Oh, yeah.

Pfft, no biggie.

I mean, well, she's been dead for years... well, she's been dying for years, so I was ready.

You just seemed really upset when you went out of class.

Yeah. I didn't want them to harvest her organs.

Hey, uh, my friend Chris... she really wants to add your class.

Chris Keller?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, she's... she's smart.

She's... well, not book-smart.

She's nice.

She's... I think you're really, really gonna like her... and not in a sexual way, just a normal way.

Yes.

Yes. No.

No sexy sex.

Ah. So, I'm gonna go prepare... prepare for my students... not in a sexual way... for class.

So... I'm gonna go.

I will see you two later... Sexually.

No sexy sex!

♪ Barry, when I accidentally killed you that night ♪

♪ I wasn't quite myself ♪

♪ I wasn't quite... ♪ Come in.

Hello?

Wayne!

Aah! Oh!

You got me.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I-I meant to, um... well, I meant to say "ta-da" when I-I jumped into the room, but I-I said your name instead.

Oh.

Yeah.

Hey, too bad my name's not "ta-da."

Yeah. Actually, well, I guess you'd better be on your way.

I mean, you know, well, after... after a quick, brief, but enjoyable minute or two.

And then... I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be rude, but I have to, uh, prepare for class.

My God, you're beautiful... Today, just as ever.

What?

Um. Brain fart!

No, but what did you say?

I said, "brain fart!"

No.

Before that.

Um... I don't think I said anything.

Mm.

Oh, um, I-I grabbed it for you after you ran out of class.

I cleaned it.

That's, um, that's pretty sad about your mom.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That whole thing... that was pretty bad.

But, um... Oh! Ohh!

There we go!

Wayne.

Wayne, are you okay?

No. I just peed my pants!

You what?

Get out!

Okay.

Come back tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, what time?

The morning... morning's a good time.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

So, who's your first victim?

I don't know.

Fred's girl's been vibing me pretty hard, eh?

Dude, don't be a jerk.

Well, quit puppy-guarding her, dude.

Make a move or move on.

Dude, I've had like two days.

Give me a break.

All I'm saying is she wants me, and you're being selfish.

I mean, honestly, what do you think she'd rather look at, boys... my naked butt cheeks or Tom's saggy ass falling out the top bunk?

Neither! You big dick.

Hey, come on.

Pass.

King me again, sluts.

Ohh!

She always does that.

♪ Your red, red, red eyes ♪ Scum, door... Now.

♪ We could just have spread them lies ♪ Hey.

I brought you some drinks.

Is that alcohol?

No, energy drinks.

Excuse me, guys.

♪ Over land and sea ♪

♪ don't let them fool you ♪ Did she say that was her mom?

Um, I know... more like her twin sister.

She is wicked hot.

Bing!

It's 2:00 A.M.

Yeah, I-I wanted to surprise you.

How? By showing all my friends how weird you are?

Well, I-I couldn't sleep.

Yeah, well, you never can.

I hate all your Amish shit.

Sometimes, people's Amish shit isn't what you think.

If being Amish is so important to you, then why didn't you raise me Amish?

I always wanted to teach you about our ways, but it just...

I-I didn't know how.

You know, maybe I still can.

No.

No, you can't.

I'm 19. It's too late.

I don't care anymore.

Thanks for the drinks.

Yeah.

We got monster, bitches!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hey, Tom.

Yeah?

Do you really think kappa O’s are the biggest hos?

Ever seen that clip on YouTube?

Yeah.

I don't know why she pledged with them.

Hi, honey.

Cute shoes.

Did you make it down to see Chris?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

How'd that go?

Stupid.

Honey.

You have a rapport with her, Ted.

She hates my guts.

Why don't you sue me about it?

Hey.

Don't you wish you could just turn back the clock?

How far?

Really far.


Yes?

Professor Gretzky?

Uh.

Yes, he is I.

It... come in.

Come on in.

Whoa. What are you doing here?

Oh, I-I thought that message meant you wanted me to come.

It is.

What can I do for you?

Ah, yes.

The old "add" slip, the infamous... from before.

Yes.

The "add" slip.

Well, actually, Chris, the night class is full right now, but there is an opening in the morning class.

Oh, the... the 10:30 one?

Yes, yes.

Um, it seems that Barry Pearson was in that class, and now he is a missing person.

Yeah, that's awful.

Yeah, it is.

But when God opens a door, he opens a window.

And now you can join that class.

Oh.

I-I-I hope I-I didn't break any rules.

Rules?

I mean, who makes rules?

I don't know.

So, um... See you in class.

Okay. I'll look for you.

Deal.

I'll be teaching.

Pervert!

It's for class!

You pervert.

Hey, hey. It's Chris.

Dude, ask her to the party already.

Dude, don't you think I'm gonna do that?

Hey, guys, what's up?

Hey, Chris. Hey.

Uh, did you get into Gretzky’s class?

Yeah, I did, but that night class was full.

But, you know, I got into the morning one.

Sweet. That's my class.

Hey, Fred Flintstone!

Ow!

You're supposed to catch it, dude.

You're such an ass.

That really hurt.

It was a love pass.

Speaking of love, Chris, you look lovely.

Oh, and smelling so sweet.

Mm!

Well, it was good to see you, Chris.

I don't want to catch you two fags' pudding in my bed again tonight.

See you guys.

Like he ever catches us.

So, dude, when are you gonna ask her to the party?

What... what... what are you talking about?

Uh, Chris, "the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

Dude.

What are you guys talking about?

Ah, chewing the fat.

Just chewing the fat.

Fred.

You were gonna invite me to a party?

No. Unh-unh. No.

Okay. Well, I-I got to go buy some textbooks, but, uh, I will... I'll see you guys.

See you in class.

Bye.

Dude, what the hell was that about?

I wanted to talk to you about her, but for some reason, I got it in my mind when Jared and Kyle left, I should just...

Don't you think you should have waited till she left?

I'm so sorry, man.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Every person that entered into that chamber unannounced was executed... Swiftly, by either sword or crossbow.

Luckily, for Guinevere, that fateful evening, there was a full moon.

So, you're Guinevere.

As Lancelot lay sleeping naked... let me just pop these off.

Just kidding.

I can only do that to you.

As Lancelot lay sleeping naked, he reached for a sword, and the moon shone down just at that time, revealing her pale and only slightly blemished face.

It was right then and there... Lancelot knew he would risk everything... he'd risk his power, his title, his rank... for that one forbidden evening, very long and naughty evening

with that ginger-haired Bathsheba.

Yes!

I thought Camelot was only a legend.

Tom, you will learn in my class that every legend begins with the truth and every real hero must risk everything to get what he most desires.

Yes!

So... Ginger-haired Bathsheba, seat.

Naked Lancelot... teacher, pants on.

Lecture resumes.

♪ Chris, you're like a poor man's version of Mary ♪

♪ since Mary's dead, I guess I'll take what I can get ♪

♪ can't have Mary 'cause she's dead ♪

♪ but I'll take you, Chris ♪

♪ you don't have to know about... ♪ Whoa!

Trying to fix your guitar?

Nope. Nope.

I just broke this one, actually.

You're not here to drop my class after one lecture, are you?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

I... that lecture was... It really... it really spoke to me.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Well, you know, what's funny is that, um, it's really... it's really a misunderstood love story.

What people don't know about king Arthur was that he really was sort of a, uh... Prick?

Awesome, right?

And some people would call that disgusting because of the age difference.

Although, if they knew the real age difference, they'd be puking all over each other.

I'm proud of Dr. G, though, because there are only two people in this world who look like Chris and her mom, and that's Chris and her mom, and he had sex with both of them.

Fred and I would just love to rub up against them in a crowd.

The only bad part about it is what it did to Fred.

Do it. Do it.

Ohh!

Hey, Freddie Prinze Jr.

Hey, Jared from subway commercials.

Nice.

Okay.

Hey, how do you personally feel about Chris tapping Dr. G, just out of curiosity?

Not so bad, considering that's the stupidest rumor I've ever heard in my entire life.

Everybody knows they're doing it.

Just because they're always locked in his office does not mean they're having sex.

I mean, it might, but... It doesn't.

Dude, listen, we're just trying to give you a heads-up.

Yeah, so don't be surprised if you see Chris' name in my book.

Oh!

His book of sexual conquest.

She probably won't, Fred!

You guys are jerks.

Let's drink these.

Come on, Chris.

Everyone knows you're getting some. Why don't you just admit it?

Because it's none of your business.

You're, like, in his office every day.

Yeah, talking about class... Mm-hmm.

With our pants on.

More like your pants on each other.

Like... like, you guys swap them.

I think we swapped pants.

Huh. Oh.

Sex is so crazy.

Has its moments.

I need you to take me to the chiropractor.

Yeah.

When she was 12, she told her dad she probably wanted to marry me.

How do you know that?

He told me.

♪ Believe me ♪ Speak of the vampire.

Dr. G?

Yeah. And he's with Chris.

♪ Deceive me ♪ Let me see.

This is an expensive camera.

♪ I know you did ♪ Dude, they're getting into his car.

♪ I'm sorry ♪

♪ we are all alone now ♪

♪ together ♪ Dude, Dr. G is humping your breezy.

She's not my breezy.

She's nobody's breezy.

Nothing's going on between them.

It's just that they... they got into the car together.

She doesn't have sex every time she gets into somebody's car.

She's been in my car a lot.

Dude, think about it.

♪ Holding it down ♪ Dr. G’s humping my breezy.

♪ Never let me down like this before ♪ How long have you been humping this breezy?

A few days... well, probably about five weeks.

Am I just a schmuck to you?

Why didn't you tell me?

She's my student, and she's a kid.

And now you're vamping out like it's 1399?

Yeah, pretty much.

Hey, could you vamp out right now?

I'm not gonna do it in your office.

Let me just throw this out there.

Ohh. Besides Mary, um... How many people have you killed?

No one.

I never asked you to help me kill people.

Oh, God.

I am so happy to hear you say that.

I was sweating that big-time, I'm telling you.

That is a load off my mind.

Wow! Okay.

Except, you know, uh, but, then, why did you want to vamp out in the first place?

I thought it'd make me feel better.

I didn't think about the killing.

Now, don't get me wrong... back during the renaissance, I used to drain fools for walking funny.

But, then, when I met Mary, then she made me feel different.

All right.

You don't want to kill anyone.

You don't want to play in the NFL.

So, what now?

Well... well, we're just trying to make me feel better?

Well, at some point, you're just gonna have to let her go, right?

I mean, look at you.

You're vamping out.

You've got a girl that makes you feel like you haven't felt in 300 years.

That's all good.

Do you know why I feel that way?

Because when I'm with Chris, I have these moments, these... these fleeting moments like Mary's still alive, like I never killed her.

Then the moment's gone, and she's still dead.

"I waked, she fled, and day brought back my night."

What am I doing with a 19-year-old Lolita?

A lot less than I would.

Listen, she's brought you this far.

Just give her a chance.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

So much has happened lately.

How does something like that just happen?

Well, like, one time, when I was in his office, I-I took off my coat, and... I was naked underneath.

Why are you telling me this?

Because you're like the only person I can talk to about this stuff.

Another time, we were in his office, and we were, like, being intimate and stuff... you were having sex.

Yeah. Well, like, the whole time, all I could think about was you.

No, no.

I mean, no, no.

It's... it's not like that.

I mean, I don't... I don't think about you that way.

I don't think about you that way, either.

That was just muscle memory.

From what?

Other stuff.

Oh.

Look... I just thought that... that college would be different, you know?

Like, we'd hang out and get wasted... stuff like that.

I could just be a student and not have crazy good sex with my Professor.

What do I do, Fred?

You need to dump his ass... And quick, before you change your mind.

♪ Once I'm dead ♪

♪ you can tell me everything ♪ Dude, come here.

What?

Just come over here.

Check this out.

Oh. That's Chris.

When she was with Dr. G.

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.

No, look.

There's Chris, there's Dr. G’s umbrella, and no Dr. G!

Oh, my gosh.

Tom, I know... now you can Photoshop me in there and make me feel like a bigger idiot.

Dude, I didn't Photoshop it.

Whatever.

I got a quiz on this, so if you can keep it down, I'd appreciate it.

There's the umbrella.

There's Chris.

Where's Dr. G?

Dude, I am not that good.

I'm not that good.

Exhibit "C"... there's Chris, there's the umbrella, and where's Dr. G?

Why would Dr. G not show up?

Shh!

But your hair is a little bit darker than how she kept it at the time, but it was cut off just below the neck.

Marilyn was 5'5" when she wasn't slouching, and Jack was 6'2".

So she liked to wear high heels when she visited him at the oval office 'cause she liked to look at him in the eyes.

But the affair made Jack uncomfortable.

He loved his wife.

Marilyn was just a distraction, something to take his mind off Castro.

You okay, Tom?

Need some water?

Yeah, I just got a cough.

The days are getting shorter.

You better hurry.

Why... because the sun might set?

I swear, you're like a werewolf or something.

And we still are gonna meet at the tower theater tomorrow?

Oh, yeah.

If it's another Woody Allen movie, you should go by yourself.

I'm just sick of all these stupid old-person dates.

I mean, why can't we go out at night, like normal people?

I'm not a normal person.

Ohh, God!

You're just like my mom!

You think you're better than everyone.

You know... Sometimes, when we're having sex, I think of other people.

I think of someone else every time.

Mary, you're probably rolling over in your grave right now.

Yeah, like I give a shit what she thinks.

And she's not dead.

What?

My mom's not dead.

You said she's probably rolling over in her grave.

I said Mary is probably rolling over in her grave right now.

Are you a moron?

She's not dead.

You only say that when people are dead.

Your mother's name is Mary?

Yeah.

You knew that.

No. I would not have forgotten that.

Well, that's her name.

Don't wear it out.

What's her maiden name?

Why the hell do you care?

Because I care!

It's Lipinsky.

Wayne.

Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

What's wrong with your face?!

I thought I lost you, Mary.

What? Oh! Oh!

Holy shit!

You're a werewolf, for real?!

I'm a badass.

Wayne, no!

Oh, God!

Mary?

Chris!

Chris!

Oh, she's still... Oh, shit!

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Okay. Whew, whew, whew!

That was a bad one.

Whew! Okay.

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ doo-ooh ♪

♪ tell Santa I gave you my heart ♪

♪ but don't tell him you threw it away ♪

Hello.

Hi. Is Mary here?

Uh, she went to a movie.

Probably Woody Allen.

I don't know.

How do I know you again?

Just from around the town.

Oh.

Does she have amazing skin?

Yeah.

That's... that's a weird question.

Do you have a photograph of her?

My wife doesn't like to be photographed.

Right. Right, sorry.

This belongs to her.

All right.

Thank you.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, shit!

Oh!

♪ Told it to the angel, now we're worlds apart ♪

♪ now... ♪ Wait. You thought Chris was dead, but she's still alive.

Mary, who is dead, is at a Woody Allen movie?

She must have been in a... in a coma when they buried her.

I mean, people didn't check for pulses back then.

But if her mother was a vampire, wouldn't Chris have been born a vampire?

No, it doesn't work that way.

It's like herpes.

A mother can have it, but that doesn't mean a child will.

So, you have to bring the person to the edge of death, and then stop?

What... to turn them into a vampire? No, no.

You just have to drink about a pint of their blood.

That's it?

That's how much I give when I donate.

Does your bite have venom, like in "twilight"?

No. People get all these ridiculous ideas.

It's not about the bite... it's the drinking of the blood that does it.

That's so simple, it's almost stupid.

Yeah. I could slit your wrist, drain it into a glass, and drink it... tomorrow, you'd be a vampire.

I'm game.

Yeah.

I really wish I didn't turn Chris into a vampire.

I just don't know how this is gonna play out.

Oh, like a fairy tale, my friend... like a fairy tale that never ends.

Just the same, I'd better be there when she wakes up.

Terrific. I'll go with you.

No.

Okay.

Chris?

Oh, shit.

Dvvvt!

What's worse... he steals your girl or steals your girl, then turns her into a vampire?

You know, both scenarios suck.

Lucky for me, vampires don't exist, so I only have to worry about the first one.

How much evidence do you need?

Come in.

Oh!

Speak of the vampire.

Dr. G, what are you doing here at this ungodly hour?

It's 9:30.

The witching hour.

Well, can we get anything for you, perhaps something to drink?

Uh, no thanks.

I'm actually looking for Chris, uh, Chris Keller.

Yeah. We know her last name.

Some of us used to take baths with her when we were little.

Well, t-this is important.

Have you tried looking in your car?

I know she spends a lot of time in there lately.

Please, if you have any information... The lambda sigs are having a bonfire up the canyon.

Why do you need her?

I-I just need to find her.

You still don't think he's a vampire?

No.

Just a big, fat, stupid son of a bitch.

You have to meet Ludmila.

♪ Please don't get me everything I want ♪

♪ I want to want some things ♪

♪ and if you were to give me everything, I hope you'd make it hard for me ♪


Sorry about this, buddy.

♪ Ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush ♪

♪ ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush, ambush ♪

♪ gather all my folk who's all together, rally 'round ♪ Hello, Chris.

♪ Listen to the drummer... ♪ Oh, don't you know how to knock?

How many people have you killed?

Uh.

He makes 29.

♪ All my folk who's all together, rally 'round ♪

♪ listen to the drummer talking ♪ Chris, we need to talk.

What's there to talk about?

You're a vampire now.

Uh-huh.

And, uh... Wow, really?

I mean, 29?

Oh!

I need to teach you certain rules.

Like what?

Well, how to style your hair without a mirror, how not to blow up in the sun, how to not leave people alive, or they're gonna turn into vampires!

Then why did you leave me alive, huh?

Because I never meant to hurt you.

Oh!

Look, we need to talk about alternatives here.

What are you talking about?

Well, like... like drinking animal blood.

But you didn't get my note?

Yeah. I tried that shit in your fridge.

You get used to it.

Just because you're a weak-ass vampire doesn't mean I have to be.

Look, I know this is all very, very new to you.

It's probably very difficult.

No.

You know, it's actually kind of easy.

Well, help me clean this up, and then we can talk about this.

You know what?

Clean it up yourself.

Oh!

♪ This woman mean, an aggravated teen ♪

♪ got you running scared ♪ Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

♪ ...shook by guerrilla tactics, ambush ♪

♪ you can say you been hit now ♪

♪ gather all my folk who's all together, rally 'round ♪

♪ listen to the drummer talking, listen to the sound ♪

♪ ambush ♪

♪ Mary, I can't wait ♪

♪ to hold you in my arms ♪

♪ I always knew ♪

♪ this day would come ♪ Want to catch a movie?

♪ Now we're sitting here, in lives we can't deny ♪ Mary! Whoa!

Your toast is burnt.

♪ Mary, I said I love you ♪ I want a divorce.

♪ I hope you feel the same ♪ I deserve a smoothy.

♪ There's just something... ♪ I killed a priest when he said I had no soul.

I killed a football player who had feelings for me.

♪ Mary, hold me close ♪ Oh.

You really couldn't grow your teeth without me?

Well, okay, well, I-I said I couldn't.

But then the funniest thing happened to me.

Okay, so... okay, not "ha ha" funny, more of a, um, like, "that's interesting" kind of funny, you know?

Um.

So, you know your daughter Chris?

Yeah. Yeah.

How do you... how do you know her?

Well, just from school.

But you know how you two look exactly alike?

We're practically twins.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, anyway, uh, she made my teeth grow long.

And then we had sex a bunch of times.

Um, but I am not in love with her, and we were about to break up.

Also, uh, I turned her into a vampire, and she killed about

29 people so far.

I thought of you every time.

You have to get out of here.

Mary.

Go away.

♪ Mary, I can't wait ♪ Go away!

♪ To hold you in my arms ♪

♪ I always knew this day would come ♪

♪ and now we're sitting here, in lives we can't rely on ♪

They prefer to make love in the daytime.

It calms their fear of the sun.

After climax, I always take a sketch.

What? What's wrong?

You don't like sex?

No, I'd probably love sex.

I just... I don't see how hearing about your multiple partners is gonna help us out.

There is over 1,000 sketches in this book.

If he has ball sac... He's in there.

Ball sac?

What... what about him?

Did you make love to him?

No, not this one... And God knows I tried.

I met him in Coney island, 1986.

He said he loved once before and that was enough.

He got me a corn dog.

What was his name?

He never said, but his nickname I remember.

What was it?

The great one.

Let's go.

I've got an appointment with her, but I'll meet you out... meet you out there.

Thank you.

Take this and put it on there.

Are you sure?

Oh, hey, bitch faces, where is everybody?

I think they went bowling.

Lame.

Is this absinthe?

You do not even know what you're missing.

None of you do.

I've got something that will blow you mind.

What is it?

Come in here.

Where's your whip, sexified bitch?

Ow!

Are you trying to be, like, all lesbian on me?

Just come here.

Do you want to do body shots?

Shh.

Mm.

Okay.

Ooh.

Oh, Chris, I'm so glad you roll this way.

Mm. Me too.

Ugh! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Ta-da!

What?

You'll thank me tomorrow.

Aah!

Yeah.

Yeah, that looks good.

Come on.

Come on.

Nothing.

Why did you have to tell her about Chris?

I mean you had to, right?

Damn it.

All those hours of therapy, and now we're right back to the drawing board.

Your hands are prune-y.

That seems odd happening to a vampire.

So, is, uh, 29 a lot?

Yeah, it's a lot.

What... you don't think that's a lot? Well, I don't know.

There was a guy in Toulouse. He killed 19 his first night.

He's what they call a Nosferatu Puternic.

What's that?

It's Romanian for "super vampire."

These guys are cold-blooded murderers.

They kill way more than they can drink.

Is he still alive?

No, no.

He fell asleep in the sun.

You have to kill her, don't you?

Are you crazy?

I thought we were here to kill him.

Dude, the sunlight will kill him.

And this way, if... if he's not a vampire, we won't go to jail.

What the hell?

For the last five weeks, you've been saying you're positive he's a vampire.

And I am, but this way, I don't have to be positive.

♪ Thou shalt break them ♪

♪ thou shalt break them ♪ Yo, Dr. G.

You played me like a bitch!

Like a bitch!

What?

You stole my girl.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And we got a picture to prove it. You have a photograph of me?

Yeah, come around the desk and see it.

Well, show it to me.

I'm too tired to come over.

♪ Thou shalt dash them in pieces, in pieces ♪ It's empty.

Aah!

We bounced sunlight on your vampire ass!

How you like me now, huh? Huh?!

Ohh!

He didn't die, you asshole!

I don't have time for this!

That's hickory, you moron.

♪ Thou shalt break them ♪ Ohh!

Oh, that's such bullshit!

♪ Thou shalt break them with a rod of iron ♪ You guys are really easy to fight, so stop, okay?

Let's just talk.

Just promise not to bite my best friend.

Please, please, please, pl... I'm not going to.

I couldn't, anyway... Not with everything that's going on in my personal life.

Why don't you guys take a seat?

I don't want to sit down in your sex chair.

Well, just lean against something, then, okay?

What if I just want to stand up?

Fine. Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that what I have to tell you guys is gonna be a little bit difficult to take standing up.

Really? More difficult than finding out that your most favorite teacher ever is a vampire and he had a bunch of

"crazy good sex" with your soul mate?

It gets worse.

What... you killed her?!

No.

I turned her into a vampire.

And now we have to kill her.

Bastard!

I know. I know.

I'm a bastard.

I'm a son of a bitch and just a big dick.

You know, I didn't mean for any of this stuff to happen.

But she's out of control... And I have to stop her.

How?

I don't know yet.

Um.

Let us help you.

You guys suck.

Dude, she's really pretty and everything, but she wasn't that into you.

And... and now she's a demon from hell!

I said you suck!

Tell us what to do.

So, why does it have to be ash?

I don't know.

Why does the sun make me explode?

I mean, why am I still allergic to peanuts?

So, after we kill Chris, do we get to kill you, too?

Well, I guess I wouldn't blame you.

'Cause you're still a vampire.

Yeah, Fred, but he's different.

"Different" as in he likes to have sex with teenage girls and turn them into vampires?

Well, I guess I'm different because I don't like to kill people.

Yeah, just your ex-girlfriends.

Turns out.

You've been one way longer than her.

Shouldn't you be way more powerful?

Yeah. Why can't you fight her by yourself?

It's because I'm impotent.

Vampires fight with their wieners?

No.

I assure you I can hold a gigantic erection.

Um, I can maintain an erection.

What I mean by "impotent" is that I can't vamp out.

I can't... can't grow my teeth.

Why not?

Is it because you're a dick?

It's a long story.

But even if I could vamp out, she's way stronger than me.

I saw her strength that first night, and she's just learning.

Figures.

You would be a weak-ass vampire.

I'm not weak... she's stronger.

So, do vampires do everything in horseshit and snow?

Yeah, Tom.

Yeah, everything we do is in horseshit and snow.

You got that from the vampire book, I guess.

Just saying.

It's the only place in the shade.

What do you want?

Okay, I'm gonna be holding her down because that's gonna be the hardest part.

Here. I want you to hold the stake into place and just lean into it a little bit.

'Cause I'm heavy?

Just to help, all right?

Fred, get ready with the sledgehammer.

Hey, hold it right over her heart, okay?

Dude, do not smash my fingers.

All right, Fred, you got to hit it hard.

Vampire bone is very dense.

Okay.

We only got one shot at this.

You nail that bitch to the ground.

She's my bitch, you big dick.

How the hell do I get out of here?!

You big dick and your big, fat dickhead fence!

I hate you!

♪ I'm holding that against you ♪ Dude, if you do that during the real one, it's gonna suck so bad.

♪ Deceive me ♪

♪ I know you did ♪

♪ I'm sorry ♪ This is hard on all of us, Fred.

That's easy for you to say.

♪ Together ♪ She was supposed to be my breezy.

♪ We're so far apart ♪

The blood drive is mandatory.

We're going to have it at the STD boys' house.

Where's Chris?

She's supposed to be here.

How are they gonna have a blood drive at our house?

They're going to park a trailer in front.

It's got everything they need.

We just need to supply all the refreshments for the donors, okay?

Oh, I just got the chills.

Where have you guys been?

Oh, well, we just, uh, killed a gas station attendant, and we had to cover it up.

Oh, that's funny.

Oh, it was.

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Meeting adjourned, bitches.

Now, who wants to be a vampire?

Come on. Don't be shy.

All right.

Well, the rest of you are dinner.

Let's get out of here, Fred.

Dr. G!

Dr. G, oh, my God!

I've been looking everywhere for you guys.

Fred wanted to try to talk to Chris.

Did you?

What did you do to her?

She's turning her sorority into vampires!

Only half of them.

They're gonna eat the rest.

We're gonna need help.

Who's gonna help us?

Huh?

Hello, Wayne.

Hi, Mary.

I-I was just noticing how beautiful your flowers are.

They're mums.

Well, your mum has excellent taste.

♪ Here we are again ♪

♪ dancing through... ♪ How do you know Fred green?

Uh, he's, uh, helping us with the logistics on... How we're going to kill Chris.

She's turned her sorority sisters into vampires.

And she's strong.

She's really strong.

Why did you do this to her?

You know the funniest things happen in life.

This is not one of them, though, as you know.

I messed up pretty bad.

Why did you bury me?

I didn't know.

I need your help, Mary.

Is Fred a vampire now?

No. No, no, no.

He's just helping us out.

He'll be killed.

Well, we're working on a game plan.

I won't help you kill my daughter.

I can't do that.

Yeah, I figured as much.

If I could just have your blessing... Well... Wish me luck.

Probably die.

I was hungry, so I had to stop for a burrito at "Chipotel."

I'm almost there, all right?

Dude, it's pronounced both ways.

Mom?

Hey, Chris.

Hi, Tom.

So, I guess it's supposed to rain today.

I wish I had the foresight to have bring my umbr-r-r-ella.

So... Ah, yeah.

I see you guys all got yours open.

Mm. Just preserving our skin.

Ooh, very smart.

So, what do I do with it today?

What is... Oh, this is for the blood drive at your house.

Didn't you know about it?

Yeah. I guess I just assumed it was canceled, 'cause...

Why would it be canceled?

Weather.

This is for skin cancer.

Oh.

So sorry.

Okay.

Hey, don't let Fred come.

Why not?

I-I'm like 100% positive he has a heart murmur.

But you should come.

I see how it is.

Well, I guess I've got to go to class.

If you'll excuse me... Thank you.

You know, if someone would have told me four months ago that, by the end of the semester, I'd be plotting to kill my... True love 'cause she's a psychotic vampire, I would have been like... "No way."

But now that we're actually doing it and... I just look back on that imagined scenario, and I-I just want to grab myself and I want to say, "listen to this guy.

He knows exactly what he's talking about."

Dr. G!

Son of a bitch!

Damn!

I'm sorry about that.

Tom, hey, you look like you've seen a ghost.

More like a bunch of vampires that are trying to kill me and my fraternity.

A blood drive?

They're still having it?

Yeah, and they're out, passing out flyers.

And Chris said you couldn't come 'cause you have a heart murmur.

I don't have a heart murmur.

Then she's a liar and a vampire.

Why doesn't she want me there?

This... that doesn't change anything, okay?

This just lets us know where they're gonna be.

Now, let's put on our thinking caps.

Bury me good.

You wanted to see me?

Hi.

Ah.

Chris invited me to the blood drive, and I told her that I couldn't make it.

But then I got to thinking... how selfish of me.

Is this your blood?

It is.

Mm.

I hope it's enough.

Um, I actually feel a little faint.

Um, could you see that Chris gets this?

I'm sure she'll know what to do with it.

Sure thing.

Well, um, I think, uh, I think I'll turn in a little early tonight.

You're gonna sleep in here?

Oh.

You have no idea how comfy this thing is.

Don't drink and drive.

You almost done?

All done.

We got to hurry.

The salon closes earlier on Fridays.

Hey, tweedle-dumbasses, what is this?

Uh, it's our new coat rack.

Why the hell do the hooks go all the way to the floor?

Just in case a little kid comes over.

Kids aren't allowed here.

Clean this shit up before the party.

♪ Resistance is futile ♪ Wait a second.

Aah! Jared! Jared! Ow.

♪ And I am gonna drink your blood ♪ We're here to set up.

Fred... I didn't think you'd be here.

Well, I guess a lot of things happen that you'd never, in your wildest dreams, would think would happen.

Kappa hos!

What's up, ladies.

Well, hello, Kyle.

Sweet.

You guys all look like hookers.

All right, we got to go.

So... You won't be here?

Well, then, do you want me to be here?

Well, I guess it doesn't matter either way.

So it's like that, then?

Like what?

We'd best skedaddle.

So, excuse us.

Friends, family, Ludmila... take a good look at me now because this could be the last time you see me alive.

Just know that I love you and I did it for you.

And to the kappa O’s... buckle up, bitches.

We 'bout to ride your asses to hell.


♪ Ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪

♪ ah-ah ♪ Hey, are you guys done playing grab-ass?

Almost.

And what the hell is this?

Dude, it is what it is.

You guys need to come upstairs.

The kitchen looks disgusting.

Maybe if you play your cards right and clean up your room, you'll get laid tonight... ♪ I'm fixing to hit you ♪ by girls this time.

♪ I'm fixing to hit you ♪ Mary, please help me kill her.

It's out of the question.

Hey, I'm getting another call here.

Hold on.

♪ I'm fixing to hit you ♪ What's up?

Hey, yeah, Fred's being really anal right now, but we'll be there fairly soon.

All right.

Hey, I got to go.

But if you change your mind, there will be a bunch of people murdering each other at 1637 Benton.

So... Bye.

♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ So, she doesn't care either way, but, at first, she wasn't gonna kill me, but now she's gonna kill me?

What the hell?

Dude, she was always gonna kill you.

She just wanted you for herself, and then she was like, "oh", "whatever," you know?

Fred, it's not you.

Get down!

Hey.

Go tell the girls it's time.

But we're gonna be here all night, so don't get caught.


Where'd Mel go?

I know.

This is getting lame!

Dude, ease up.

They said blood drive outside... party on the inside.

Who cares?

Let's just go out there.

No, I'm not gonna run around like fricking A.C. Slater.

Dudes, the bitches aren't coming!

♪ I ♪

♪ I went to the beach ♪

♪ the bitch was so hot ♪

♪ she came to me and said ♪

♪ do you like the beach, bitch? ♪ Sweet. How do I look?

Were we supposed to get dressed up?

Oh! Ugh!

Hello, ladies.

What's up?

You're all wearing Dracula teeth.

No shit.

How do they stay in so good?

Same as yours, dickface.

Hey, come upstairs with me.

I got something I want to show you.

Mm. I'd love to, but Carly's already got dibs on you.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Oh, hells, no.

Come on.

Raise your hand if you want to make out with a vampire.

Me, me, me.

Oh! Me, me, me.

Okay, check it out.

Look, you're gonna take this girl right here.

Go upstairs and make love to her.

Don't have sex... make love.

And, look, you, buddy, come on, take this girl right here.

Um. No, you're a douche bag.

All right, I'll open the window from upstairs.

Can you fly up there?

I may be king shit, but I'm not super king shit.

I'll climb up.

All right.

Are we ready to do this?

Are you ready pound a stake through the chest of your one true love?

Why you got to say it like that?

Hey, hey, hey.

Tom's trying to get you in the right frame of mind, okay?

We can't afford any hesitations tonight.

We put in the hours to do this, and then, like, you're... you're upset, but take it out on yours...

I'll do what needs to be done.

Well, let's hope no one lands there now, I guess.

Oh!

Oh.

Say, Chris, what's the big idea?

I hate being tripped.

Sorry, no girls inside tonight.

I saw kappa O girls going in there.

Yeah, it's a kappa O/STD party.

Aren't they all?

Too bad you just died.

♪ The bitch said, "yeah" ♪

♪ the bitch said, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" ♪

♪ the bitch said, "yeah" ♪

♪ the bitch said, "yeah" ♪

♪ the bitch said ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ hell, yeah ♪

♪ damn, yeah ♪

♪ I went to the beach ♪ Dude, Jared, I thought you said there'd be plenty to go around.

Yeah, I did, and there will be, bro.

Good, 'cause you totally screwed me over.

No, listen.

I'm gonna take care of you, okay?

I didn't even give anything to myself.

That's how leader I am.

Where are they?

What? Oh, look at the douche bags, all douched up for the douche ball.

Where are the kappa O’s?

Dude, they're gonna get with all of us.

Yeah, and maybe if you guys sit down and quit working on your eagle project, you'll get some action, too.

You guys are so stupid!

They're vampires, okay?

And they're gonna kill us!

Yeah, it's super hot, man.

Where's Kyle?

He's upstairs, banging one right now.

No, don't go up there, dude.

You're salting his game!

What the hell is that?

It's a barricade, jackass.

♪ Calling me high on the telephone ♪

♪ came by plane all alone ♪ All right, no one leaves until every vampires is dead.

♪ ...tell it's not enough ♪

♪ come and... ♪ ♪ Kyle, are you in there?

Open up!

Dude, I'm kind of busy.

Dude, she's gonna kill you!

You can be next.

Wait. That's jacked up.

Tom!

♪ You knew my ideas when they were in my head ♪

♪ they were my secret evening plans ♪ All right, aim for the heart and use something heavy.

Dude, I don't care if you don't want to get some, but don't ruin it for the rest of us, all right?

Dude, Tom, Kyle's up there right now with one of them.

We got to go save him.

Hey, bro, just out of curiosity, just let me know... are you gay?

That doesn't change this, but just let me know right now, all right?

Dude, I am gonna punch your dick, okay?!

There are vampire girls in this house, and they're gonna kill us!

If any of them come back down before we're back, hold them down and do what you have to do.

That's what I'm talking about!

Bam!

Wait. Wait, wait.

When should I take my pants off?

After I leave.

What?

Dude.

Mm.

Aah! Mnh!

Aah!

Kyle!

Oh, shit!

Dr. G!

Dr. G!

Dr. G!

Oh! Oh, okay, we're starting.

We're starting.

Hey, vampire skank... Bet you can't catch me.

I bet I can.

Aah!

Better double-check.

Wait!

Bite me instead.

Why... 'cause your jugular vein's easier to find?

What?

What do you want me to do?

Dude, just tell me what you want me to do.

Aah!

Do it!

Oh!

Ohh!

Does it hurt?

Yeah.

Ohh.

It's official.

We're murderers.

You get used to it.

What?

Murderers.

Murders get used to it.

Dude, don't look at me that way.

She's my first kill... Promise.

So, how do you preserve the blood?

You're a very inquisitive young lady.

Well, I just think I might be interested in running a blood drive some day.

Mm.

I mean, they probably have to pee, but I doubt they ever have to take a dump, you know?

Hi, Fred.

Hi.

Um, hey, did you, uh, hear that we're all just kind of making out with different guys?

That's the word on the streets.

It's really too bad that Chris called dibs on you.

I thought she didn't care either way.

Well, I guess it's just kissing.

I'll make out with you... But it has to be on my bed.

Mm.

♪ Back in town ♪ Can I watch?

It's what we do.

I like to watch.

Okay, crazy-ass.

Okay, well, just this way.

Blood goes... pfft!

Oh.

So, should we just start making out?

Well, why don't you lay down on the bed?

And I will get on top of you.

You've got this all planned out, don't you?

We have a system, and it works.

I'm down.

♪ If you want to make out, you'd better come alone ♪

♪ totally senseless I'm gonna drive you to ♪ Straighten.

♪ When I'm ready to dance with you ♪ Oh.

Dr. G?

What are you doing here?

Oh, um... Just... just getting my frisbee.

Do you play ultimate?

No.

Ah, you know, neither does Maggie.

She feels pretty bad about it.

Check this out.

See her?

Whoops-a-Daisy!

Whoa-oh!

Better double-check.

Looking good.

Hey, you guys, get a room, huh?

Hey, don't kiss his neck.

He's ticklish.

I wasn't going to.

Now!

Aah!

Dude, get off now.

Hey, side boob.

Where's Chris?

Aah! Geez!

We haven't seen her.

You scared me, Dr. G.

Later, bitches.

Mom?

♪ Uh-huh, I like it ♪

♪ uh-huh, I like it ♪ Why do you hate me, God?!

Shh. Hey.

Hey, stupids.

I saw what you did in the backyard.

Yeah, did you see what we did to Samantha?

No. Did you see what we did to Jared?

He's right there.

So, did you see him?

♪ Come on over here ♪ Get Fred. Kill Tom.

Whoa.

Hickory. Damn it!

Come on, Tom.

It'll be a lot more fun if you don't fight it.

I hope you know this is an automatic flunk.

Who is it?

It's Chris.

Open the door.

Hold it.

There's a barricade.

Well, move it.

♪ Uh-huh, I like it ♪

♪ uh-huh, I like it ♪ Hyah! Aah!

♪ Uh-huh, I like it ♪

♪ uh-huh, I like it ♪

♪ uh-huh, I... ♪ You're such a pervert with your giant camera!

What?

You know, if it wasn't for that, I probably would have asked you to winter formal.

You would have?

Yeah. But now I'm going to suck your blood.

Wait, wait, wait! Wait!

Don't you want to know what I would have said?

What would you have said?

Hells no, biznatch!

Mnh!

Writhe it out.

Sorry.

I probably would have said yes.

Sorry, ladies.

Open it already!

Mrs. Keller?

Fred green, is that you?

What are you doing here?

Same thing as you.

You came to help murder Chris?

Yeah.

Oh, you found him.

♪ They're easy pickings at the discotheque ♪ You dyed your hair.

Hey, look what Fred did.

Pull it out, ho-bag.

I wanted to show you guys first.

♪ And they never, ever check ♪ Oh, cute.

You dyed your hair.

♪ ...that I leave in the neck ♪

♪ well, if they were wise... ♪ It's Chris' mom.

Come get some, bitches.

♪ Drac's back ♪

♪ I want to suck your ♪

♪ whoo ♪

♪ Dracula ♪

♪ Drac's back ♪ Somebody throw me a stake! Ah!

♪ I want to suck your ♪

♪ whoo ♪ Now!

♪ Dracula ♪

♪ I'm gonna wait for you on Saturday night ♪

♪ I'm gonna give your neck... ♪

♪ ...a great, big bite ♪ Come on, Fred! Do it!

Come on, stick it in her!

I give up. I give up.

I give up. I give up.

Wait.

She's lying.

I know, but I've got a better idea.

I didn't want it to go to waste.

♪ I want to suck your ♪

♪ whoo ♪ Where's Tom?

Ohh!

Let it happen.

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Dracula ♪

♪ Drac's back ♪

♪ I want to suck your ♪

♪ whoo ♪ She was in love with me.

♪ They're not hung over, they're just vampire who rest ♪ He's dead, dude.

Damn it!

Guess who killed the nurse lady and stole all the blood.

Chris.

Why would she do that?

She's a super vampire, and she's gonna drink it all.

What for?

To turn all the donors into vampires.

What a bitch!

Mm, good... good bitch.

We have to stop her, right?

Yeah.

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Dracula ♪

♪ Drac's back ♪

You don't have to do this, Mary.

I think I do.

Don't worry.

We will look back in a few centuries, and we will laugh.

But right now, this is really, really sad.

Well, let's just get this over with.

Okeydokey.

Chris?

In here.

Chris, what are you doing?

Cutting this blood with some monster.

Mmm.

Where did you get it?

Where do you think?

I saw you drive by when I left the party.

Okay, Chris, we have to talk.

What do you want to talk about?

Why do you have all that blood?

I'm making vampires.

It's not rocket science.

Those people have lives.

Yeah, and now they'll last forever.

Chris, you're a really evil vampire.

No shit.

I love killing people, and I love making other people kill people.

It's funny to me.

Oh, I'll slit my wrists.

This is the most boring conversation I've ever had in my life.

I'm sorry, Chris.

This is all my fault.

Now!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Tom?

Tom.

Tom.

Dr. G!

G, she's biting me.

Mary, the stake, now!

Mary, do it!

Push it through.

No, I can't.

What a chickenshit!

Ohh!

Oh!

Ah, good... good hit, Fred.

I'm so sorry, Chris.

It's okay.

I never would have killed you if you weren't a vampire.

I know.

But I was gonna kill you... But not before I gave you this.

I made you a mix for your iPod.

It's on that flash drive.

You were gonna give me this and then kill me?

I was gonna flip a coin.

I'll listen to it when I jog.

Wayne... you were the best I ever had.

Uh, thank you.

Thank you.

Mom.

Yeah, honey?

You're not a chickenshit.

Oh!

Unh.

I had a dream we killed Chris.

Holy shit, we killed Chris.

She made me a mix.

No, no.

Let's go check the fridge.

I'm... I'm not hungry.

Oh, maybe something light, like a yogurt or something... Parfait.

Bye.

There's nothing in here but blood and monster.

I guess I'll have a monster.

Hey, you want one?

Looks like we have to kill some vampires.

How many?

That son of a gun.


♪ You think the birds are pretty ♪

♪ and you sleep eight hours a night ♪

♪ and I'm fog, out of the city, and still you stake it all ♪

♪ and trains stop for you and so do the boys ♪

♪ when you run your fingers through your hair ♪

♪ but resistance is futile ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪


♪ just breathe ♪

♪ just breathe ♪

♪ and mouth "goodbye" ♪

♪ if you want, I'll give you eternal life ♪

♪ well, not so much life, but have you ever seen a good zombie movie? ♪

♪ well, like that, but you'll be smarter ♪

♪ and you'll stay 23 ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I just want to drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I just want to drink your blood ♪


♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪

♪ and I am gonna drink your blood ♪