Vampires Suck (2010) Script

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

BECCA: What would you do to save someone you love?

For Edward, I would stop at nothing.

(GASPS)

What is he doing?

Hey, party in the fountain!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Edward! Yoo-hoo!

Edward! Edward!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(GROANING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Edward!

Edward? Where?

Oh, my God! There he is! Edward, we love you, you're the best!

No, Jacob's the best!

(GROANS)

(ALL YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

He's exposing himself!

(GRUNTING)

(BOTTLE SHATTERING)

No! No.

Edward!

(HISSING)

(GASPS) (SNARLS)

(SCREAMING)

BECCA: Let me start from the beginning.

I used to live with my mom in Nevada.

But now she's always on the road, because she started doing some pro golfer.

So, I came here to the foggy town of Sporks, Washington.

Population: 3,120.

(GASPING)

(SNARLS)

Holy shit!

(SNARLS)

Make that 3,119.

Anyway, I came here to live with my dad, Frank.

He's the town sheriff.

I haven't seen you in a while. Your hair's longer.

I grew it out.

I guess it's hard for me to accept my little girl's growing up.

I mean, look at the size of those tits.

Dad!

What?

(SCOFFS)

(MY PANTIES PLAYING)

I feel so lonely Nobody gets me I am so unhappy Why can't I find a cool alternative boyfriend?

BECCA: There is something strange about this town.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

(SNARLS)

I used to live here when I was younger.

But I haven't been back in a long time.

I kept your room just as you left it.

(LULLABY CHIMING)

Great.

Remember your hamster, Herman?

Might have missed a couple of feedings.

You could play with your dollies.

I don't think so.

What's that?

Oh, that's a special edition feel-real dolly.

I warm it up in the tub first so it's not creepy.

It's been lonely since your mom left.

(CAR HONKING)

Oh, hey.

You wanna come downstairs? Some people are excited to see you.

Who wants their pacie?

Good girl.

Dad, I'm a teenager.

Right.

I guess I'd better get you some new stuff then.

BECCA: Frank didn't get me. I wasn't his little girl anymore.

(EXCLAIMS) (THUDDING)

Becca, you remember Bobby White.

BECCA: Yeah.

You're looking good.

Good? I'm in a wheelchair.

I can't feel anything below my waist.

You know what's below my waist?

My penis!

Sorry.

We're all glad you're here, especially your dad.

He wouldn't shut up about you.

Careful there, Bob, I'm gonna roll you down the hill.

Oh, boy, I'm real scared. Bring it on.

(CHUCKLING)

Boy, here we go!

You're in trouble there, mister!

Hi. I'm Jacob.

Hi.

(BOBBY GRUNTING)

We used to make mud pies together.

(CHUCKLES)

Play doctor?

Oh, right, right.

(GROANS)

I remember now.

I gave you a prostate exam.

So, are we going to be at the same school?

I go to school on the reservation.

It must be fun to drink and gamble all day.

Too bad we're not gonna be at school together.

It'd be nice to know at least one person.

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLING)

Got you a welcome home present.

What do you think?

I think that you're trying to buy my affection with that piece-of-shit truck to make up for the years that you neglected me as a father.

Told you she'd like it.

(CHUCKLING) That's great.

I fixed up the engine myself.

Thanks, Jacob.

Go ahead, hop in.

(GROANS)

Okay. So you gotta pump the gas to start her up.

(SNIFFING) Damn fleas.

(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY)

Jacob, your foot.

Ever since puberty, I've been feeling a little different.

Excuse me. I gotta take a leak.

I guess my body is just going through some changes.

(CAT MEWING)

Cat!

(JACOB BARKING)

Come here, cat!

Come here!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

BECCA: Transferring to a school that's already in session.

Being the new kid is never easy.

Nice clothes. Still shopping in the boys' section?

Give her a break. That's what I used to wear when I was a virgin.

Where'd you get that haircut, "Fantastic Lesbians"?

(BECCA GRUNTING)

Hey, new kid!

(GROANS)

Hi, I'm Derric.

I'm Becca.

I'm the eyes and ears of this place.

I can hook you up with anything you need.

Cheat sheets, human growth hormone, harvested organs.

(BEATING)

No, thanks.

Oh, I get it.

You're one of those antisocial, long-suffering loner types.

Actually, I'm more of the humorless type. Kind of a sourpuss, really.

Full of insecurities, with no great personality, yet every hot guy finds me irresistible.

You must be Becca. I'm Rick.

Damn, girl, you seem really boring and frigid.

You want to go to the prom with me?

See?

I'm Jennifer, future prom queen.

I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF, but if you touch Rick's wang, I'll cut you.

(SIGHS)

Who are they?

Oh! Those are the Sullens.

They're, like, all adopted by Dr. Carlton, so they're not biologically-related, but they're really, really close.

They moved here a few years ago, and they're, like, super-weird.

It's a total mystery.

Their skin is ice-cold, they feed on human flesh, and they all sleep in coffins.

Maybe they're Canadian.

Oh! Oh!

And who's that?

Snooki, JWOWW, DJ Pauly D... No.

Not the douchebags from the Jersey Shore.

Him.

The really pale dude with big hair and constipated look.

(CLEARING THROAT) Edward Sullen.

(GIGGLING) He's a complete hottie.

But, evidently, no one here is worthy.

He wouldn't even accept me as his Facebook friend.

BECCA: "Favorite activity.

"Searching for a soul which has been cast into eternal damnation"?

But I don't care about Edward.

I've got another guy on the side. Yeah.

Sadly, he went off to fight in Iraq for a year.

But we write to each other all the time. His name is John.

JENNIFER: "Dear John, two weeks together.

"That's all it took to fall in love with you.

"And in those two weeks, you did things to me no guy had ever done before.

"I just hope I'm able to poop again soon."

Are you, like, even listening?

(SCOFFS)

Oh! You guys are having, like, an instant connection.

How can you tell?

Duh. Hardwicke 101?

You're both staring at each other in slow motion, which although cheesy and obvious, it underscores your respective yearnings.

Oh!

Right.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(RETCHING)

Ah! Becca.

Why don't you take the empty seat next to that mysterious boy you're destined to have a fatalistic relationship with that will spawn four books and a movie franchise?

(SNIFFING)

(EXHALING)

(SNIFFING)

Do I smell?

Yeah. Like tuna.

Lunch.

(AIR HISSING)

I'm Becca.

I'm Edward.

So you're new to Sporks.

How do you like the weather?

I don't like cold, wet things.

So you must hate Slurpees.

(SLURPING)

I'm just trying to figure you out.

All right, class. Turn to page 63 in your books.

(STUTTERS)

This is biology. Why are we reading The Vampire Diaries?

In the '80s, coke was all the rage.

The '90s, grunge.

Now it's the era of vampires.

It's just super-trendy.

That's amazing.

(GURGLING)

(GURGLING CONTINUES)

(BABY CRYING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(CLANGING)

Oh!

Hi. (GASPS)

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

I work part-time at Abercrombie & Fitch.

It's always the same inane questions.

"Who are you?" "Why are you doing this?"

"Does the carpet match the drapes?"

Yeah. Oh, that's hot.

I got a serious case of the munchies.

And I think you know what I need to eat.

Cheetos?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Thanks, dawg. You a'ight with me.

(ANTOINE LAUGHING) Whoo!

Antoine? What?

The killing.

(GASPING)

Oh!

Right. My fault.

You know who we are, don't you?

(SNARLING)

Yes.

You're the Black Eyed Peas!

Come on. Not again.

Why does everyone always think we're the Black Eyed Peas?

I mean, her, I get. I get it. She looks just like Fergie.

And he looks like Will.i.am, but, Jesus Christ, they don't even have a white guy in their band!

(SNARLING)

Ow!

He hit me! SCULLEY: That's right!

Mixed martial arts, Tae Bo, and Yogalates created this!

Huh?

(GROANS)

How you like that, pretty boy? Huh?

(SCREAMING)

(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)

Get him off me! Get him off me!

Now the elbow!

Son of a bitch!

I am not afraid of you!

You should be.

(SCULLEY YELLING)


(TIRES SCREECHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GASPING)

(NECK CRACKING)

(GROANS)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

Damn that overwrought unrequited teenage love.

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

BECCA: I couldn't stop thinking about Edward Sullen.

Amazing dexterity.

He can't be human.

(EXHALING)

GOSSIP GIRL: Meanwhile, uptown, Blair was getting cozy with Nate, who was secretly crushing on Serena.

BECCA: Excuse me, but you're interrupting my narration.

GOSSIP GIRL: Oh, shit! Wrong show!

X-O-X-O, Gossip Girl.

Becca! (GASPING) Jacob.

I heard about the accident. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I got you these.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Jacob. You're so sweet and thoughtful.

Any girl would be lucky to have you.

Just not me, of course. You're like my little gay brother.

I heard you were hanging out with Edward Sullen.

Stay away from him. There's just something really odd about that guy.

FRANK: Becca!

I'd better go.

Hey, sweetheart. There you are.

There was a killing today.

Fisherman Sculley, by the docks.

The blood was drained from his body and he had multiple bite wounds all over his neck.

You know what that means?

The Kardashians are in town.

(GASPING)

Here.

I want you to have this.

Mace? You're my little girl, and there's a killer on the loose.

I'm not gonna leave until I know you can protect yourself.

Now, I'm going to come at you, and I want you to mace me.

Dad... Honey, I've been trained for this, okay?

Here I come.

(YELLING)

Good God!

God damn it!

(YELLING CONTINUES)

It's so painful! It burns!

Sorry, Dad. No! I'm proud of you.

Are you okay?

Mace will only temporarily stop your attacker.

You have to hit a man where he breathes, Becca.

(GRUNTING)

(SHUDDERING)

(IN HIGH PITCHED TONE) You got the franks and beans there. Good for you.

But I'm still coming at you.

Rip off the moustache, sweetheart.

But you love your moustache.

If anything happened to you, I could not live with myself.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

(YELLING)

You're good to go.

(YELLING CONTINUES)

(GASPING)

Edward?

Uh...

Am I dreaming?

Right. You're dreaming.

So you're not really here?

Exactly.

Go back to sleep.

Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

Got to...

Got to TiVo Wizards of Waverly Place.

(MOANING)

Patrón! Mario López!

(SIGHS IN DISGUST)

(MUTTERING)

Becca, you're sleepwalking.

(YELLING)

(SIGHING)

Hey, you're sleepwalking.

(SIGHS)

(BECCA GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES MUTTERING)

Just you breathing is the greatest gift you could give me.

(FARTING)

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(DOG BARKING)

BECCA: I started to wonder, maybe I wasn't dreaming after all.

I had to figure out the riddle. Who was Edward Sullen?

Was he human, or something different entirely?

Oh, snap!

He dropped his business card!

(ENGINE FIRES)

PRINCIPAL ON PA: Good morning, Sporks High students!

Tickets are now on sale for prom.

And after school today, don't forget to visit the quad for the blood drive generously sponsored by the Sullen family.

Prom! Come to prom! Prom's almost here! Prom!

Here! Get your flyer for prom.

Check it out.

We finally got a theme. It's gonna be awesome.

The theme is vampires?

We just came up with it randomly!

Cool, huh?

(SNARLING)

It's gonna be like the festival of St. Salvatore, like the one they have in Italy every year that celebrates the killing of vampires.

And we're renting out a huge stone courtyard.

It's gonna feel just like we're in the 15th century.

It should be super fun. Lots of red capes, blood and binge drinking!

You in?

I don't know. Prom's really not my thing.

Well, it's my thing. I mean, really, Becca, what is with you?

Prom is, like, the pivotal moment in any girl's life.

I've only been dreaming about being crowned prom queen since I was a sperm in my dad's balls. (SCOFFS)

We need to talk.


Your skin is pale white.

You dress fashionably. And you abstain from sex.

I know what you are.

Say it.

Out loud. Say it.

Jonas brother.

That's right.

Wait, what?

No, I'm a vampire. Duh.

That was my next guess.

Then ask yourself the most obvious question.

What do we like to eat?

Vampire cereal?

You need to see what I really look like.

This is why we don't show ourselves in the sunlight.

People would know we're different.

You're shining.

No, that's just my bling.

You don't get it. I am a killer!

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMING)

Are you texting? Yeah, Jennifer.

(SCREAMING)

I am the world's most dangerous predator.

(CHIRRUPING)

I want to eat you!

That's cool.

Most guys aren't into that.

My family, we're not like other vampires.

We can control our thirst to only hunt animals and the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

But I don't know if I can control myself around you.

Look, Ed.

I don't like to play games, so I'm just gonna lay my cards on the table.

I really like you.

I dig the Eurotrash heroin-chic look.

You're totally happening, and I wanna be with you.

I can read everybody's minds but yours.

You have to tell me exactly what you're thinking.

You're pretty, so you don't have to be smart.

Would you like to go to the prom with me?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes.

That's awesome.

(SNARLING)

(SCREECHING)

BECCA: There were three things I was absolutely positive about.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, American Idol is gonna blow without Simon.

And third, the next time I saw Edward, I was gonna hump the shit out of him and...

Boo. (GASPS)

Oh, gosh, you scared me.

There is something that I wanted to try.

Me, too. I love role-playing.

(CLEARING THROAT) That's not what I meant.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't move.

Kiss me already. I know it'll be okay.

(SIGHING)

That was amazing. I've never gone to first base before.

Now let's go all the way.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

Purity ring. Yeah.

Oh!

I won't be able to resist my urges to kill you!

I don't mind. What?

Oh, God!

Becca, no!

(SIGHS)

Oh, yeah? I like it rough.


Stay away from me.

No, please, please, please, don't come any closer! This is for your own safety.

I'm trying to protect you.

Becca?

Becca?

(GRUNTING)

If this is going to work, we're gonna have to take things slow.

I guess that's okay.

Even though my teen hormones are raging and I want to have sex with you, I feel conflicted about losing my virginity.

I know you'll never have sex with me, because you're a vampire, so, really, it's the ultimate pubescent girl fantasy.

That was incredibly insightful.

(SIGHS)

I read it on Stephenie Meyer's Twitter page.

Becca, I promise, as long as you're with me, you'll never get hurt.

(GRUNTING)

(CLANGING)

Starting now.

(SNIFFING)

(ALL SNARL)

Shit!

Well, I think we all know whatever killed Fisherman Sculley was no animal.

Look at those tracks.

It could only mean one thing.

Canadians.

Damn border-jumpers.

They come here and take all the shitty jobs us lazy Americans don't want, and now they're killing our fishermen, too.

Yeah, Frank, I think you're missing the big picture.

That is a big picture.

BECCA: It was my 18th birthday, and the Sullens were throwing me a party.

Well, this is home.

Hey.

There is no reason to be nervous.

Well, I'm different than you.

They might not accept me.

It's like the time when my ex-boyfriend, DeShawn, invited me to his grandmama's house to celebrate Kwanzaa.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Dandelion, come where the sunshine shines When you clock that second And your heart starts ticking May it land on mine If we make it to space I'll meet you Oh, my dandelion I want you to meet my family.

You must be Becca. I'm Edward's mom, Eden.

We've heard so much about you.

Finger food?

That's Alex and Rosalyn.

I just know we're going to be great, great friends.

And this is Iris.

I hope we will be.

No, she already knows it will happen.

Some of us have special powers.

Iris has visions of the future.

Oh!

But I'm not on my period.

You will be. It's coming early this month.

Relax, Becca.

We're just like any other normal American family.

Except, of course, we have no souls, and we walk the earth trying to satisfy an unquenchable thirst for blood.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(SNIFFING)

I'm Jeremiah.

He's new to the family.

He's still trying to control his hunger for humans.

Look, I don't want to cause any problems. Maybe I should go.

But you have to open your presents.

Ow!

Paper cut.

(JEREMIAH SNARLING)

(YELLING)

You're bleeding.

BECCA: Really bad, actually. I must have hit an artery.


(BOTH SNARLING)

(BOTH GROWLING)

(BOTH YELPING)

Becca, your nose!

I knew I shouldn't have partied last night with Lindsay Lohan.

(ALL SNARLING)

Every time I bring a girl home, you guys try to eat her!

It's not fair! Come on!

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Someone here order Chinese food?

(YELLING)

Quick, they'll be hungry again in half an hour.


What happened back there can never happen again.

I now know, as long as I'm around you you'll never be safe.

That's why I want you to bite me, and turn me into a vampire.

No.

I keep aging and you stay the same.

I'm 18 now. I'm practically a cougar.

I just...

I couldn't live with myself if I turned you into a vampire.

You're always sexy and healthy, and super good-looking, with tons of free time and money to travel the world.

It's a lot like being George Clooney.

Strangely, the only thing that does keep aging is your ass.

(CLEARING THROAT)

It gets pretty wrinkly over time.

You'll never see me again.

Just promise me that you won't do anything reckless.

Okay. I promise I won't date Chris Brown.


Farewell.

Edward?

Edward! Edward!

Edward!

You're just gonna leave me here alone in woods