Vamps (2012) Script

Hello, my name is Goody, and in 1841, I was bitten by a stream vampire.

A stream is able to awaken the victims they choose not to drain.

Normally, this would be one of those tales of gore and homicidal urges, but I've always looked on the bright side.

So I learned to live on animal blood.

And having eternal life gave me extra years with my loved ones.

Nighttime used to be dull and dark, but things got a lot better in the '80s.

Oh, the 1880s, that is.

The Industrial Revolution gave us electricity and light bulbs.

And suddenly, nights were as bright as daytime.

Telephones replaced letters, and the new subways let you travel the whole city and still be in your coffin by sunrise.

In the 1920s, things really turned modern.

Skirts got shorter, jazz babies and flappers owned the night.

The world belonged to the young, and I was an expert at being young.

And then came my favorite invention... flickers.

Chaplin, Keaton, Cagney... and in movies, they never got any older.

I could relate.

In the 1960s, I messed up.

I let my guard down and I stupidly let myself fall in love.

After that, things started to go downhill.

In the '70s, I kinda lost interest in dating.

But in the '90s, my stem turned Stacy.

She was kind of lost and I took care of her.

I taught her to get hometown soil for her coffin, how to use hypnotic powers, and how to find the jugular on a rodent.

And she taught me about e-mail, Napster, and this great group, Green Day.

So we have lots of fun.

We party with normal kids, we go to college.

I've got over 10,000 credits.

I could graduate if it wasn't during the day.

I love having a friend, or "bestie," as she calls it.

And, aw, look how cute she is.

Hey, Goody.

Goody, wake up. It's sunset.

The only bad thing about Stacy are her practical jokes, which she thinks are way funnier than they actually are.

What?

No, you didn't.

Come on, let me out.

You got me Again.

Hurry, I've got an 8:00 class.

Hey, Stacy. Your friend from Boston sent your hometown soil.

Oh, thank God.

I hardly have any left. My back has been killing me.

"We're sorry but your package has accidentally been harmed in delivery."

I think the Post Office x-rays everything now, and this looked suspicious so they opened it.

But this is just dirt.

Yeah, but you know Homeland Security.

Man, the terrorists ruined things for everybody.

"Visit us at www..." why do they call it visiting?

Isn't it more like "type us a letter on the computer"?

Visiting is when you go somewhere.

Yeah, you're at one place on the Internet, and then you go someplace else.

That doesn't make any sense. Yes, it does.

So if you're reading a book and you turn the page, are you visiting another page?

Hold on. You still can't find your mouth without a mirror? Thank you.

Sunrise is at 6:40.

You know, I put that app in your phone.

You don't need the almanac.

I like my almanac.

What's with the mom jeans?

Jeans are jeans. Are you kidding?

Jeans mark your age more than a birth certificate.

Trade shoes. At least my gladiators will get you in the right millennium.

Those are cute. Race you.

Oh!

Took you long enough. Well, that didn't count.

These aren't my shoes. Excuses, excuses.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

What time does your class end? 9:30.

Okay, then I'll meet you at work.

Oh, God. Where are you going?

Come back here.

Goody!

Cradle of Filth, Ozzy Osbourne, The Cure...

Ooh, where?

Oh, no. It's one of those daytime festival things.

Whose idiot idea was it to have rock concerts during the day?

Mmm. Let's check the traps.

Ugh, rats will eat anything.

Oh, dead one.

Oh, trap got him?

I think the artificial sweeteners gave him cancer.

53rd Street.

53rd Street.

And 6th Avenue.

53rd Street and 6th Avenue.

Penthouse suite.

We're being summoned.

Ask me questions. Who's the stupidest person on TV?

Uh, Snooki! Oh, yes. You're right.

53rd Street.

Who's the smartest?

Um, House or Frylock? Who?

The limping doctor or the flying French fry.

53rd Street.

Okay, 53rd Street.

Don't you love Times Square?

It feels like the center of the world.

I feel like a bunch of TVs threw up.

Take a cab. What are you, walking?

Okay, okay. We're coming.

What kind of mood is she in?

I've seen worse. Has she finished feeding?

Because we don't want to be around any of that.

Where are my offshoots?

There they are.

Look at the new fall line.

Gaultier, Prada.

Dries.

And I can never see how I look in them.

What is the point of looking like this if I can never enjoy it?

Hmm?

Oh, sucks hard. Not so nice.

So put them on and then I will just imagine how much better they will look on me.

Ivan, call Mr. Pizza Guy.

I thought we were going out.

I feel like a pizza guy.

Oh, come on. Those clothes are wearing you.

Give it some juice.

I don't know about this one. Why not?

It's just not for young people.

Excuse me?

Are you telling me about being young?

Do you have any idea how long I have been young?

She just means that, with the recession and all, girls of a certain age couldn't afford something like this.

Plus, it's fur. It's like wearing a dead animal.

Okay, here's the flaw in that argument.

Why should the life of a mink be more valuable than the life of a pigeon?

You two drink pigeons every day.

We set them free.

Stacy got attached. To pigeons?

You know what? We never should've named them.

I know, you're so right.

I mean, how can you hurt something named Snuggles?

Or Mr. Doodles? Do you remember...

You're pathetic.

Pizza guy.

Pizza guy.

Who ordered the double cheese and sausage?

You're late.

They said You kept me waiting, you bad boy.

Sorry.

You know what happens to bad boys.

I hate when she's in town.

It's disgusting. I know.

But let's just have a good time.

Come on, we deserve it. Taxi!

Besides, it's goth night.

And all the day players always dress up so cute.

We're the oldest ones here.

Except for this schmo hawk.

Can I buy you ladies a drink? We never drink... mojitos.

Maybe you should court someone your own age.

Oh, did you see that cute one? Mm-hmm.

Hey. Hey, Renfield.

Adam Ant called. He wants his makeup back.

Oh, come on. Awaken me. I wanna live forever.

Then you should try eating more broccoli.

No, I don't want to eat more broccoli. I want to be undead.

You are undead. You're alive.

Yeah, stop imagining crazy ideas.

No.

What? Stuck-up McVainypants is here.

So what? Just ignore him.

Show him how much fun you're having.

What? No! No pictures.

Wh... then take me.

Come on. Let's just go dance.

Isn't this place a little Mickey Mouse for you?

There is Donor Club in Chinatown.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think I can sense a real vampire.

Vampire? That word is so cornball.

And anyone who says "cornball" is at least 80 years old.

Okay. I just don't appreciate being called the V-word.

You prefer ELF?

Extended Life Form, yes.

So gay.

Hey. Hi, Ivan.

I see you met Vadim. You know he's my stem.

Oh, you're the Soviet stem.

Ukrainian.

Let's go to that club. Blood Bank.

We don't feed off of people.

Oh, great.

As long as Cisserus takes care of herself.

Why? Anything happens to her, your years will accrue.

You wouldn't want to look your age.

Excuse me.

I am Vadim. This is Ivan.

I'll get my coat.

Oh, Juicy. She is asking for it.

Yeah, I'd say.

Listen to me.

Vadim and Ivan are bad guys.

I like bad guys.

No, you like nice guys.

Don't look at them and don't talk to them.

Don't talk to them.

And remember, nice guys.

Nice guys.

Guys that listen when you say stuff.

Guys that compliment you.

Hey, Juicy. Where are you going?


Hey. We're gonna go. BRB.

Um, that only works if you're leaving.

"Be right back."

Oh. SL. What?

"So long"? Close enough.

So I tell my parents I'm coming to the city for my music.

And they say okay, as long as I go to NYU.

You want?

No thanks. I'm already in the mood.

So now they're all, "What about law school?"

And I go, "I told you I was coming here for my music."

So they're, "Then why did we spend $100,000, Derek?"

I'm like, "You got me. You could've just gotten me Pro Tools and I'd be happy. Law school is your dream, not mine."

And they think it's all about record deals, but it's so different now. They're so old-fashioned.

They just don't get it, you know?

Hey, my parents believed in witches.

Hold on, I gotta play you something.

Mm.

You've got... you've got something.

Hmm? You want a rail?

A little bit won't hurt.


I gotta get out of here.

Hey, people can see you.

What? Nobody cares.

Besides, the streets are wet and my shoes are suede.

Stacy, I kinda did something bad.

What? Well, this drummer guy was all coked up and his nose started bleeding.

Oh, no. I just licked a drop.

And what now? Are you jonesing? Do you have the hunger?

No.

I just had what came out. It wasn't even flowing.

But I know it would be so much more satisfying than this whole get-dressed-go-out- and-have-sex routine.

I mean, guys used to want to sing or paint or write.

Now, it's like iPod hits and webisodes.

Half the time, I don't even know what they're talking about.

Well, we're going to group tomorrow. That always helps.

Hey.

Didn't that used to be a yogurt place?

Things keep changing around here.

Well, in the '70s, it was a methadone clinic and all the hippies would be sitting on the stairs waiting for their medicine.

And in the '50s, it was a dance studio, and everyone came to the Village to be beatniks.

And before that, it was a German newspaper.

How do you know this stuff?

The History Channel. Oh.

Uh-oh, birds.

Hurry. Go, go! Whoops!

Get back. Watch out, Kenny!

Oh!

That's Van Helsing. Let him through.

Oh, no, no, no. This doesn't have anything to do with Homeland Security so get away from my crime scene, huh?

Did you recover the neck?

Look, it's your garden variety John Doe.

Killed, bled out someplace else, they hacked it up and dumped it here.

You call this bled out? It's bone dry.

Detective.

Excuse me, ma'am. I need you to back up, please.

What is that, a pizza carrier?

There. You happy now?

Hey, if we find a subway map and explosives, we'll call you.

Whoa.

Good evening. My name is Harry, and welcome to Sanguines Anonymous.

Tepish, you're a stem, aren't you?

Someone told me that if a stem dies, all the offshoots die.

It's an old wives' tale, right?

I thought as long as you stayed out of the sun, you're okay.

And if your stem died, you start aging.

No, you start aging, but not like the day players.

You become your chronological age.

When were you awakened?

1841.

Ah, pfft. Baby.

Besides, Stacy turned in 1992.

Does she know how old you are?

No.

It seemed to comfort her thinking we were the same age.

Ah, I see.

You're from Cisserus, huh? You know her?

We had a fling.

Mm.

That took about a century off my life.

Hey.

Tepish, would you like to start off tonight?

Okay.

Thank you, Harry.

Hi, everyone.

I am Vlad Tepish.

You know, Vlad the Impaler.

Hi, Vlad Tepish.

I have abstained from the fluids of homo sapiens for 362 years.

I'm sure that you've heard about what I did to the Turkish army, huh?

He impaled them.

You youngsters have to learn how to substitute what you can't do with things that are less harmful.

Personally, I like knitting.

Especially... this part.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Hi, I'm Stacy. Hi, Stacy.

I've been in my 20s for two decades, and when I was a day player, I was doing a lot of E.

E? I don't know what that is.

That's ecstasy.

And then one night, I must've been pretty stoned, 'cause I don't even remember, but I know Cisserus was feeding on me, and Goody was arguing that I would be a good clothing model for her.

So if it wasn't for Goody, I would be dead.

Like, dead-dead.

But she says that I saved her because she'd been so lonely, and having a friend made her want to keep existing.

Even though I've never had human blood, I still feel tempted.

But it's like drugs.

We don't need the high-highs.

It's more satisfying to not hurt anybody and just have fun with your friends.

Thanks. Good meeting, people.

Shall we?

When it comes to drinking human blood, a single drop is too much, and a whole family is never enough.

Support your fellow ELFs.

Undead is not unfeeling.

Great.

What are you doing?

Don't you hate it when you sprout fangs, part's white and then the other part's dingy?

I never thought about it.

It's Renfield.

Hey, Renfield! Where are you guys?

Let's go to SoHo House.

I'm sick of these clip joints.

How about this? You go, and if it's great, text us.

All right. G2G G2G.

"Got to go."

Why can't kids say entire words?

It takes just as long to say letters.

Remember, we said that we'd keep up with the times even though it's not as good as the '80s.

You don't hear me complaining every time a new song comes on that Devo is much better.

That's true.

You have a glob.

Here? Other side.

Here? A little higher.

Doesn't it drive you crazy not knowing what you look like?

You look the same as you always did.

You have pictures from before. No.

You don't have any pictures from your early years?

No.

A guy in the park drew this.

Do I look anything like this?

Oh, yeah.

He really captured you. Oh.

Hold on.

Okay, she sort of has your structure.

You have rounder eyes, shorter chin, change the hair, green eyes, and... fix the nose.

And print.

Oh, my God.

That's me. Yeah.

It's been so long.

I take back everything bad I ever said about computers.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Ooh.

Good morning. Morning.

Ew.

Well, LASIK has come a long way.

Hi, I'm Joey. Hi, I'm Stacy.


Hey, would you like to have lunch with me sometime?

No. Okay.

Um, no, what I meant was I work during the day but I could have coffee or drinks.

Okay, great.

All right, any questions?

Yes, Professor Quincy.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many? A bicycle.

Well, thank you for that wonderful insight, Mr. Van Helsing.

All right, I know that was no "Talladega Nights."

Now what was Dalí trying to do in this?

Stacy, don't take a nap.

You'll be up all day.

I'm so tired. I was IM'ing all day.

I barely slept.

I met someone at school.

What's his story? He's silly.

Goofy but cute.

What's his name? His name?

Um, his name is Joey...

Van Helsing.

What?

I'm sure it's a coincidence. It's a common name.

And you didn't hit it off with Timmy Hitler?

Very funny.

I don't like it.

I can take care of myself.

Guess what Joey wants to do this weekend?

Behead you? Ha-ha.

I need to see my wife's chart.

You know, I've asked about four times in the past hour.

So get me the goddamn chart.

And don't start with the shifts.

And you won't be sued for malpractice if you do it now.

Hell no, we won't go.

Hell no, we won't go.

Hell no...

Enough already. I've had enough.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Love you.

I told them not to bring you any... look at this.

I don't want you to eat this. Look at this.

They use this for breast implants in the other wing.

Guess where I went? Cappuccino.

Oh... Look at this.

How much? How much do we love cannoli?

All right, maybe later.

How you doing in there?

Ugh.

I'm tired. Oh, shit.

You got jury duty. What?

8:00 a.m. No.

How could this happen?

We're paid in cash. We don't do taxes.

I don't even have a driver's license.

Our credit cards are through a third party.

Oh. I voted once.

You what? I voted for Dukakis.

Dukakis? It was before I turned.

And I was just thinking about the good of the country.

Country? It's just business.

From the Dutch West India Company to the slave trade.

How do you know all this stuff?

Um, The History Channel.

Yay!

If you're here and he's there, why don't you talk?

Nobody talks.

Do you want him to think I'm 40?

So, if the city has too much garbage, and rats eat garbage, why don't we just get rats to eat the garbage instead of spraying toxic crap everywhere?

Rats breed too quickly. So?

What if we give them birth control?

You mean get rats to put on condoms?

Yeah. Teensy-weensy little condoms.

Who's that old hippie talking to Fred?

You must mean the girls from the graveyard shift.

Shit. I used to go out with him before you and I knew each other.

Oh, my God. He's gonna expect you to be like 40.

I know. Hi.

Wow.

How is it possible?

How is what possible?

Goody, you have not aged a day.

Mister, my name is Susan.

But my mother's name was Goody. Did you know her?

Goody Rutherford? Is that your mother?

Yes, but she passed away.

Oh. I-l-I'm sorry.

My name is Danny Horowitz.

Did she ever, uh, you know, like, mention me?

I think.

But we have to get to work. Hey.

Hi, I under... listen. I have to talk to you.

Please call me tomorrow.

Okay. Tomorrow night.

Night, of course.

Just like your mother.

Okay.

So, is this your place? It's my parents' place.

When my ex and I broke up, I was traveling and I haven't found a new place yet.

Iris recognition. So, what does your dad do?

Well, he works for Homeland Security now, but he was with MI-6 in London for quite a long time.

So is he, um, some kind of spy?

Yeah, like James Bond but shorter.

Listen, Stacy. There's something I have to tell you.

What? I'm older than you think.

I've been helping my dad with this project for a few years, and since I'm still in school, you probably think I'm, like, 20.

But I'm almost 25.

And since you're like 17...

Um, actually I'm a little bit older than the other kids, too.

You are?

Well, great. Well, how old are you?

You don't ask a lady her age.

Well, why not? Because it's very impolite.

How am I gonna find out? I don't know.

I'm gonna nick your passport.

I'm never going again. The performance was ghastly.

No, the clown was so...

Joey. Oh.

I didn't know you had company.

We just got back. This is Stacy.

Stacy, my mother and father.

Hi, Stacy. Oh, pleasure.

Nice to meet you. Uh, yeah.

How do you do? Hi.

Well, I actually have to get to my job.

You work at night? Yeah, it's so depressing.

But, you know, just until school gets out.

I have to go. I'll see you out.

Ta! Yeah.

Did you feel her hands? Freezing.

I'm glad you're interested. Are you a registered voter?

No matter what's going on in the world, there's always someone protesting or petitioning, and they always wind up in Union Square.

Even in the 1840s, people were pamphleteering for abolition.

...southern flesh peddlers!

Slavery will tear our country apart!

Sir, may I proffer you a pamphlet?

Abolition now!

Sir... sir, may I proffer you a pamphlet?

And in the 1950s, thousands of people protested to stop the execution of the Rosenbergs.

Of course, in the '60s, there was always a Vietnam demonstration.

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go!

Hell no, we won't go! Hell no...

Must've been pretty crazy to see your old boyfriend like that, huh?

How long were you guys together?

Over a year. We never lived together, but we saw each other every night.

I forgot how nice it felt seeing someone you love all the time.

I wonder what Joey's parents think about me.

So what did you think of Stacy?

She's rather pale.

How do you mean?

What your mother means is she's... exceedingly white.

So you don't like her because of the color of her skin?

Is that what you're telling me?

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

No, it's simply that she's not like us.

You mean wealthy, over-educated, Upper-West-Side, paranoid, ghoul-chasing...

Oh, for fuck's sake. She's undead!

And I forbid you to see her!

You think everyone is a vampire.

Just because somebody stays up late, doesn't go to bed before 3:00...

Well excuse me for being overly vigilant.

...doesn't mean they can just grow fangs, put on a black cape... But I think beings devoid of warm blood... ...and fly around town like a bat!

Just because they're a little peaky, it doesn't mean they drink blood.

...roam the street at night looking for innocent victims.

You are so intolerant.

Enough! Stop it, both of you.

Let's just invite your little friend to supper.

If she's one of them, we'll know.

Fine.

Tonight, we're meeting under sad circumstances.

I'm sure by now you've all heard about David's tragic Daylight Savings accident.

Boy, one century you're here and the next you're gone.

Do you sense something gross?

Yes.

I see we have a newcomer.

Uh, yeah, hi. I'm Rita.

Hi, Rita.

I am a psy-vampire.

What exactly is that? Psychic vampire.

I'm able to feed off other people's auras.

You know, I absorb their energy.

How do you know you're not just annoying them?

Psy-vampires are a true vampiric subset, okay?

And we don't need blood to draw...

What the fuck is that?

All right, all right. Settle down.

We really gotta be more careful about how we announce our meetings.

Anybody else have something to share?

Stacy got called in for jury duty, but she hasn't voted since the '80s.

That happened to me.

And they're bringing me in for an audit.

Everybody call on your stems and any human-feeders you know.

But how are we gonna find Cisserus?

You don't know her resting place?

When she wants us, she summons us.

We never call on her.

Okay.

We all gotta work together, folks.

The community is being persecuted.

I've seen it all before.

Now instead of tortures, they're using computers.

Does Mr. Davidoff know you are coming?

Mr. Davidoff is aware we'll be here between But don't you need a search warrant?

Madam, you've insultingly confused us with the police.

I'm from Time Warner, and if you ever want to see Jon Stewart again, you'll open this door.

Let's get some light in here.

Morning, Sunshine.


Buenas noches, chicas.

Have you seen Ivan?

He hasn't answered any of my summonses.

Uh, I think we saw him last week.

Something must have happened.

He's not strong enough to ignore you.

Well, you chicas will just have to fill in.

But we're only good at modeling and light clerical work.

So, you fold these carefully, and you pack this soil.

Don't you just love these "As-seen-on-TV" bags?

Look how much soil it can fit.

Oh, it's a good thing we're here because there's gonna be a big meeting with all the local stems and ELFs.

There's been a lot of persecution of the community.

What do I care? Well, if you keep acting so recklessly, they're gonna find you.

No one will ever find my lair.

And I'm in the one place no New Yorker ever goes.

But your behavior makes it harder for everyone else.

For who?

For Vlad Tepish and his doofus peasants?

"Vlad the Impaler"?

I'll tell you what that whole impaling routine was.

Compensation.

You know what I'm saying?

Besides, I am leaving town.

And look at this pimpin' travel coffin he made me.

Here's the itinerary.

Just get me on cargo before dawn.

It's a private jet.

Spain? What's in Spain?

It is not just the rain in Spain.

Look at him.

Diego Bardem.

Only the handsomest, most talented man in the world.

Do you know him? No, I don't know him.

But I got mad love for him.

And I'll tell you a secret.

I am not gonna use any hypnotism.

I want this to be real.

I haven't felt this way about anyone since Al Jolson.

The Mammy guy?

Yes, the Mammy guy.

I mean, he was an amazingly dynamic performer.

You have no idea because you never saw him live.

No, no, no.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

Hey.

Hey.

What did your parents say about me?

Are you near your computer? Yeah.

Come on iChat. I wanna see you.

Oh!

I don't... I don't have iChat.

Yeah, you do. It's built in.

Yeah, but my roommate was spray painting and she got paint on the lens.

So... Pfft.

What did your parents say?

They thought you were a bit pale.

What do you mean pale?

Well, you know, pale, fair skin.

Like maybe you were sick or something.

Well, it's just those environmental light bulbs.

I mean, they make everybody look horrible.

Look, they want you to come for dinner on Friday.

Can you make it?

Oh, I'll be there.


- Ow!

Stay still.

It's good, right? I think it's totally working.

I'm gonna be so tan.

Hi.

Wow. You look...

Robust?

Sure.

Come in. Dinner will be a few minutes.

Let me give you the tour.

What is all this stuff?

Well, it's mostly stuff from my grandfather or my great grandfather.

My father is an expert on vampirism.

Told you my family's nuts.

What's this thing? Ah, well... if someone you suspect of being a vampire dies, you place this over their neck before they're buried and if they wake up and try to climb out of their coffin, they get beheaded.

Dinner's ready!

Hey, I know him.

You know him?

I mean, I know who he is.

It's Vlad Tepish.

It's pronounced "Tee-pees."

He was one of the most sadistic figures in history.

Well, I guess that sort of depends on your point of view.

Really?

How many points of view can there be on the subject of impaling people and drinking their blood?

If a weird stunt like that stops the entire Ottoman Empire from taking over Europe.

His armor is in the museum in Bucharest.

I mean, they consider him a hero.

Yeah, if it wasn't for him, we'd all be speaking "Ottomanese."

Didn't you like your fish?

Shall we make something else for you?

Oh, no, thank you, Mrs. Van Helsing.

I'm enjoying my dinner a great deal.

Now, you must try our soup.

It's an old Van Helsing recipe.

Ahh!

Not a fan of garlic?

Oh, no, it's not the garlic. It's the salt.

Even the tiniest bit and I blow up like a Thanksgiving Day balloon.

My father thinks that if he gives us garlic breath, we won't make out.

Not going to work, Pops.

Ma, we'll take dessert later. The movie starts at 9:30.

I'll just get our things.

Hmm.

You have a very strong will, Dr. Van Helsing.

What are your intentions with my son?

What do you mean?

Do you plan to suck the life out of him?

No more than any other girlfriend.

Hey, you ready?

Thank you for dinner.

See you later.

Oh, I know. But did you see the girl who left with Joey? Is she one of them?

I wasn't really paying attention. That girl, she seemed pretty dark.

But it's all gonna be on my phone. So hold on.

Wait, I don't remember seeing empty chairs.

What did I do wrong?

You didn't do anything wrong.

Why do people bother going out if the only thing they want to bond with is their little glowing boxes?

Don't go grandma on me.

Oh, there's Renfield. Hey.

Uh, you guys, um... kinda can't sit here unless we order a $400 bottle.

Don't worry about it. Bottle service.

She left him 10 minutes ago. The sex must be great.

Oh, we haven't done it yet.

Oh, so it's a purely textual relationship?

I've been looking for you, you lifeless bitch.

What is your problem?

What did you do to Ivan?

What are you talking about?

First you kill my game with Juicy girl.

Now Ivan is missing.

Suckerin' succotash.

Guys, guys, guys!

Not in front of the day players.

The past few minutes, you remember nothing.

Complete Sergeant Schultz.

I know nothing!

I saw nothing! Now cut it out.

Besides, why would we hurt Ivan?

We'd just wind up doing more work for Cisserus.

Actually, it's a good thing we ran into you.

We need you to come to a Sanguines Anonymous meeting.

No way. You don't have to join, but a lot of weird stuff has been going down.

They're trying to force us out into the sun.

You think this has something to do with Ivan's disappearance?

It might.

Did anyone in his building see anything?

The neighbor said the cable company was there.

Can Time Warner just burst into a person's home and kill them?

Yeah, they're terrible.

Come to a meeting. We've got to figure this out.

Everybody's getting audited.

Well, you don't have to go.

What?

An audit is just the IRS saying, "We think you should pay more taxes."

And if you agree with them, then you say, "Okay, how much?"

But you only have to go in if you wanna challenge them.

How do you know this?

I'm a CPA.

You are? Yeah.

You just got some new clients.

Not me. I have a guy.

What are you wearing?

It's like the history of fashion.

I'm going to see Danny. I wanna look nice.

Gibson Girl shirts were the prettiest.

1960s skirts are great on short women.

1970s shoes make you tall but are comfortable.

Okay, but what's with the hat?

It's a boater.

People always said it looked spiffy on me.

People from your barbershop quartet or people from the Republican convention?

Oh, God.

Here we are.

"Architectural Digest" time. Enjoy yourself.

Sure you don't want anything to drink?

I'm sure. Well, I'm not.

I need some coffee, man. For energy.

I just made this last week.

Oh. You work for the government?

Do I look like I work for the government?

I'm with the ACLU.

Right now I'm in the middle of this deportation case with abuses of wiretapping. It's unbearable.

Well, I thought if the government doesn't hear terrorist-related stuff, they have to hang up.

No.

Ah, look at this.

I was going through these looking for your mother.

Look at these.

She had this habit of just ducking out right before they took a picture.

Well, she was superstitious.

Still, I mean, it's a little nutty, isn't it?

My God.

I have this one. You do? Really?

She saved it?

You better put yours in plastic.

She liked this, huh? Well, why not?

I was not bad-looking back then, huh?

What an amazing time this was.

Being young and in love.

Feeling like you're a part of something that really mattered.

Your mother never mentioned why she just disappeared?

Not really. Oh, man.

Hey, you know what?

I have to get movies for my wife before the store closes.

Right on. Huh?

My way.

I'll go with. Oh.

All right, cool.

You know, Angela is really in and out.

And that's why I gotta get her movies that she really loves.

So, you know, when she dozes off, you know, she won't miss anything, really.

Can I help? Uh, no.

When I see 'em, I'll know it.

Then I'm gonna look around. Okay, cool.

Excuse me.

Do you have any James Cagney posters?

Oh, James Cameron?

No, uh, James Cagney.

You know, "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!"

No.

What about...

Fred Astaire? No.

Jack Lemmon? No.

Paul Newman. Oh, the salad dressing guy?

Yeah. No.

Phones on the ground.

Phones on the ground now. Drop 'em!

Hands in the air. Hands in the air. Give me the money.

Don't you point that. He's got a heart condition.

Shut up! Oh, my God!

Fuck. Come on!

He's having a heart attack. No, no, no, lady.

Get up and give me the money now.

Shit, come on! Oh!

Stop it.

Calm down.

Mm. Feel better?

Yeah.

You are gonna take this couple to the hospital.

And no more stealing The bite was from your cat.

You guys, take CPR courses.

You hate junk food.

And get "Public Enemy."

The Cagney one.

You all right?

I could hypnotize you, but I've been wanting to tell you.

So what are you saying? You broke up with me 'cause you wouldn't drink my blood? Is that what you're telling me?

I don't drink human blood.

You don't? That guy, what was that?

No. Have you ever seen a vampire bat?

A little rodent can get the blood out of an entire cow in a few minutes because of this enzyme in their saliva.

It's a completely safe blood thinner.

And I also have it.

I didn't drink that man's blood.

I spit into him to stop the stroke.

Oh. You just spit into him.

Oh, that's a whole other ball game.

Well, if I didn't, he would have had a lot of brain damage.

How old are you?

A little older than you.

So people can only be around you for, like, what... a year or something?

No, I could go around seven years without them expecting me to look older.

And I would've stayed with you for as long as possible.

But when you became one of the student leaders, people on the street recognized you.

I thought, "This is his time."

You could have your choice of any woman out there.

It didn't seem right to rob you of the chance to meet someone amazing.

And you did, didn't you?

I did. I really did.

And you know what? I really should check and see how she's doing.

And I gotta tell you something else.

I feel like I'm really, like, tripping right now.

Am I gonna see you again?

Uh... of course, yeah.


Okay, this is Germany before World War II.

The sleepwalker keeps murdering people, but only because the evil guy has him under a spell.

What does that remind you of?

I'm flummoxed.

Germany? Evil spell?

Adolf?

Your eyes remind me of somebody.

Adolf Hitler.

No, that wasn't who I was thinking of.

Audrey Hepburn. Same initials, though.

Can you please just focus on symbolism?

Sorry.

Can I be under your spell?

Or better still, you could be under my spell.

What are you gonna make me do?

Laugh hysterically.


Holy shit.

Has it ever been like that for your before?

Not since the '80s.

Hey, where are you going?

Um, I've got an early class.

Well, ditch it and come back to bed.

I can't. But I'll call you later.

Come on, my parents won't be home until tomorrow.

Look, it's a little early in the relationship to get into this, but I've really gotta go.

What the...

Something bothering you? What?

No.

If there's anything you wanna talk about... maybe trouble with Stacy, or...

Yeah, 'cause you'd love that.

He's not answering my texts, my tweets, my e-mails, my voicemail, my Facebook messages...

Do you think he'll tell his father?

No, he wouldn't do that. What about Danny?

Do you think he'll tell the authorities?

He'd never. How do you know?

Danny hates authority.

I'm gonna go to his class so he has to confront me.

Are you mad at me?

Don't go away. Huh? What?

Really? Yeah.

How do you like them apples?

Garlic?

You were afraid of it the other night.

Yeah, because I've always hated garlic.

Can we please just talk about this?

My father tried to warn me. Against what?

I have never harmed a human being or a domestic animal my entire life.

Oh, so you didn't go after me 'cause I'm a Van Helsing?

No. If anything, I would've stayed away.

Besides, if I wanted to drink your blood, would I have written you this 10-page report on Freud and his influence on surrealist imagery?

How do I know you wrote this for me?

Because I also wrote one on World War I and how it gave birth to Surrealism.

Actually, I like that one better.

Oh, you do?

So now you trust me, huh?

I trust you to give yourself the better grade.

I don't blame you.

You know I would never hurt you, right?

Yeah.

Well, then what is it? Is it the day thing?

Do you want to have a girlfriend you can go hiking with and go to the beach?

No, I'm... I'm more of a night person.

Is it the blood, then?

You wanna try new restaurants? No, I'm not much of a foodie.

So what is it?

I hate it when my parents are right.


Okay, now open.

Thank you!

You know what? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no.

I shouldn't be dumping all this on you.

Fine. Yay!

Come on, just sign the petition.

Okay. Okay.

Here you go. Right there.


Ooh.

Hey, Renfield. Come on in. Hey. How are you, Goody?

Jesus.

Hey, Renfield. Hey, how are you?

Do you mind if I smoke? Yes.

But... I mean, this can't bother you.

It bothers me if you're hurting yourself.

Well, then awaken me.

It doesn't work that way.

You're an accountant. Do the math.

If every infected person fed on or infected the rest of the people, the entire population would've eaten itself off the planet Iong before Christ was even born.

Only a stem can turn someone.

Is that the sweater Tepish knit you?

Mm-hmm. It would be impolite not to wear it.

And it goes with everything.

Wait till you see the one he's making you.

Okay, people.

This is an amazing event.

Except for Cisserus, we have all the stems from the tri-state area.

Vadim the Russian, Ukrainian.

Ashwan from Kush. Hi, Ashwan.

Ghuri, the Turkish stem. Hi, Ghuri.

Yuppa, yuppa.

I'd like to start by asking, how many of you have gotten subpoenas?

Excuse me.

Why do not we just eat the lawyers?

You crazy. We can't eat all the lawyers.

Why not?

Let's just say eating lawyers is out of the question.

I know you can sense that we have day players among us.

This is my granddaughter, Sarah.

Hi, Sarah. And this is our friend Renfield.

He's a CPA so he can help with the IRS stuff.

And I understand we have a lawyer here.

You absolutely do.

How you doin? My name is Danny.

Hi, Danny. And I'm from the ACLU.

From what I understand, you can't be forced out during the day and you don't want anyone to molest your resting places.

But the government can enter your home any time they want because of the Patriot Act.

See what's going down now is that all your cell phones and your iPhones and all the computers are helping them find you.

So I urge you not to use any of your electronic devices.

How will we do anything?

How do we even stay in touch with each other?

I used to write things down.

Oh, yeah. Like in a datebook. Right.

But I need my computer to tell me sunrise and sunset.

Oh, I can tell everyone that on my almanac.

Under "Sky Watch," it's got phases of the moon, high tide, sunrise and sunset, and... good Lord!

What? What is it?

Total eclipse of the sun in two weeks.

Hold on, hold on.

2:10 to 3:40.

Too bad that wasn't the exact time of our summons.

If we had face time, we could use hypnotism.

No, why? That wouldn't make any difference.

Couldn't we just change the times of the appointments?

Yeah. We could get you completely eliminated from their system. We could delete and change everything in their computers.

You know, I can see why you have sworn off human blood.

Awesome. Do you want to join?

How would you ladies like to be my wives?

Eat me.

All right. Not literally.

Oh, are you okay?

You were sick yesterday, too.

Look what I got you.

Pure pharmaceutical grade.

Oh, but they're so cute.

They're not like vermin. They could be somebody's pets. Hi!

I figured they wouldn't make you sick.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

It's just when I get up.

Quit futzing. We have to go.

Oh, don't start with me.

Drop waists are coming back. Yeah, says who?

I saw a picture of Keira Knightley in one.

Yeah, right.

That's because Keira Knightley's in a movie.

Ha, look at you! I know.

This was my college interview outfit.

Were you trying for a football scholarship?

Ha-ha. It's the only thing I have that looks respectful.

Whoa, check it out. I know, it's crazy.

Mom, look! I've never seen it before.

Don't look directly at it, honey.

Wow, I totally forgot what it was like.

It's an entirely different world.

Oh, so many women.

Have a nice day.

Come on, everybody. Let's go. We only have two hours.

Hey, so do you know where we're going?

You will do what my accountant says.

It's CPA.

Okay, this is Ghuri.

This is file number 318.

This Vlad Tepish.

He was granted asylum in, um...

1583.

Currently married to a US citizen.

Well, four.

Yeah, that's okay.

Child of an American fiancée.

For an adjustment of status.

A student visa so he can matriculate at UCLA.

Go Bruins.

Yeah.

Stacy Daimer is unable to perform jury duty obligations.

Unable to perform jury duty obligations.

In fact, I'll just delete them. Just delete them.

Put the deleted names in the trash.

Deleted names in trash.

Empty the trash. Empty the trash.

Ask the IT guy to remove the hard drive.

Go, go, go! Excuse us, coming through!


Joey!

Yeah!

Let me see. Open.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

Aw, beautiful color.

They're having the book launch party for The Situation right now on 10th. What do you say?

Ugh. Not worth the candle.

We're happy here.

Every A-lister in New York will be there.

You can have whoever you want.

Mm. You get tired of that.

Oh, I like this song.

You wanna dance. Yeah, do you?

Yeah. Okay.

Aren't you gonna dance?

Me? I don't think so.

I'm not very good, no. Yes, you are.

I remember. Yeah, but I don't remember.

Do you sleep with henchmen?


Joey had to go. His dad is bugging out.

Problems at work, no doubt.

Hmm. Wonder who that could be.

Oh, isn't it insane?

I was dating for 25 years and I've never imagined to feel this way about somebody.

What about you and Danny?

Mm, I never stopped loving him.

But his wife's sick so there's no even thinking about it.

I'm just happy around him.

Reminds me of being hopeful.

But how great would it be if we both had relationships?

I mean, wouldn't it be so cool...

Mott Street.

Mott Street. Oh!

What is she doing back so soon?

I guess things didn't work out with Diego.

Ugh. She's in Chinatown.

God, just when things were going so well.

Mm.

Oh... oh, God.

I've never seen real dead people.

What did you do?

You know how it is when you eat Chinese.

Half an hour later you're hungry again.

How could you?

Oh, I just can't stop eating.

I'm so depressed.

Why didn't he like me?

I am so much more bomb-ass than his girlfriend.

Maybe she wasn't a homicidal maniac.

Maybe.

This is disgusting!

I know.

I could so easily hate myself.

But just because you overdid it one day, doesn't mean you have to be bad all weekend.

What's wrong with him?

Finish him off, will ya?

I said kill him.

You really can't kill.

You guys are so useless.

Forget it.

Hey, can I have a fortune cookie, at least?

That was way too close.

And I didn't put in rollers.

I'm gonna have coffin hair tomorrow.

I know.

Goody, I don't think I can do anything like that again.

Me either.

The world changes, we have to adapt.

These violent old ways don't make any sense anymore.

But she won't listen.

She's insane. Oh, tell me about it.

Tepish, is there anything like a...

Sanguine's doctor?

Stacy is sick.

That's impossible. We don't get sick.

That's what I thought, but every night when we get up, she vomits.

Just how old was she when she was awakened?

20.

And I assume there is a boyfriend.

Why?

She's not sick. She's pregnant.

So she can have a baby?

No, the pregnancy will end by itself.

Unless she turns back.

Like, if Cisserus dies?

Cisserus.

Don't you worry, hmm?

Stacy will be just fine in about a week.

They notified us about a patient having seizures who had a double puncture wound. When I asked who checked him in, I went back to their surveillance cameras.

Where's the body? Mount Sinai.

Tell them we're coming. Mm-hmm.

All right, sit down, listen to me.

Now, I know you think I'm crazy, but you have to do something for me.

Sure.

Carry this with you at all times.

What? This is how you load it.

Only use the silver bullets.

Only use them on what? Stacy?

Just keep it with you.

Don't give me any shit.

When a problem comes along, like hunger, you must whip it.

It says this guy's a comic? He's not even funny.

I've never seen him in anything.

What's on?

"Assholes Insult People More Talented Than Them."

"The Excessively '80s Countdown."

Oh, show Goody.

Oh.

So my father decided to give me this.

Hmm. That's weird.

Oh, careful. It's got silver bullets in it.

What's he thinking?

He's got more paranoid since he saw the footage from the hospital.

What footage?

This guy just seemed to fly from a cab to the front door.

I'm such an idiot.

Why didn't I look for surveillance cameras?

Wait a minute, you... No, no. We didn't do anything.

It was... it was our stem, Cisserus.

She's a monster.

She's gonna louse it up for all of us.

Don't trip. We'll talk to Tepish.

Oh, I saw him after work and he said you'll be feeling better soon.

You're just pregnant.

What?

I'm pregnant? We're gonna have a baby.

I'm pregnant!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I can't believe this. I'm pregnant?

You want a baby?

Well... yeah.

I'm over 40. How many more chances am I gonna get?

And besides, I'll make a kick-ass father.

All right.

Forget cell phones, forget iPhones, forget PowerBooks, forget iPads.

Yay.

Now I can do everything I want with my iPad Mini.

That looks just like your phone.

But it doesn't make calls.

I got my tweets, I got my e-mails, I got my friends, I got my alerts, I got...

So as the day progresses, you can read thousands of unsolicited messages, advertisements, and the mindless brain vomit of acquaintances?

Someone sounds hormonal.

Maybe you're pregnant, too!

So annoying.

You have to keep learning to use new crap that doesn't actually do anything better than the old crap, which is incompatible with the new crap, all so you can have blogs and watch fake teenagers and real housewives?

And it's all happening too fast and I'm tired.

I'm just sick and tired of it all.

It's okay.

We don't have to get the iPad Minis.

No, I'm sorry...

Look. Only a couple stations, but they had Groucho Marx.

No, that's not Groucho.

Groucho was the mustache guy.

Yeah, he had glasses and a cigar.

Yeah, a cigar and glasses.

You'll split $25 between you. Are you ready?

Yes. Who is buried in Grant's Tomb?

Were people really that stupid?

No, that's what he'd ask when he felt bad and wanted to give 'em a few bucks.

Is Grant's Tomb in New York?

No. No. Yeah. Yeah.

Have any of you ever been there?

No. No.

That's it. What?

God, the place no New Yorker ever goes.

Of course, Cisserus would want a monument.

And it's gota tomb Oh, my God. You're probably right.

Come on.

Show me again. Yeah, here.

I guess I totally can tell, but it's... it's like, I don't know. I always thought you'd be the first one to have a baby. Is that weird?

But now that it's happening... Listen.

You have to decide something independent of me or Joey.

This baby won't survive in your condition.

If you want it, you have to turn back.

How does that even...

Cisserus would have to be killed.

That's right.

I'd be in my '40s.

But I'd be a mom.

You'd be older, too. I know.

I can't decide for the both of us.

How do you feel about not being young anymore?

Which part... running around to clubs and dating idiots?

Would be nice not to have to fake all the references.

Ugh. Like acting nostalgic over

"Hey, Arnold" instead of "Happy Days."

Not to mention the slang, "BTW."

And the clothes and the music.

Staying young is getting old.

Plus, we'll have a baby.

What are we even talking about? We can't kill Cisserus.

She's lasted hundreds of years.

But that's because nobody knew where she was.

But she's very sturdy.

And let's face it, we're wimps.

Yeah, but she's sloppy. And conceited.

And we'll call in the heavy-hitters.

Who?

Your future father-in-law.

I just have to do one thing first.

You said for a little more time, you'd do anything.

Did you mean it? Of course, but what can I do?

Would you change your schedule and stay up later and promise to let her only have animals?

Now, wait a minute. Can you keep her alive?

Not exactly alive. But not dead?

I can't but he can.

It's up to you. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't lose her.

I need privacy to do this.


Ah.


That's enough. It doesn't take that long.

Your wife is very sweet.

Yeah. So, uh...

I am just wondering, are you guys getting along, or, uh... any chance of breaking up in the future?

Danny.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on, open up.

Who's there? I'm a friend of your son.

I wanna help you. You want to help me?

I've got some news for you, Grandpa.

Did you say Grandpa?

I thought all victims turned into vampires or died.

I've never heard of anyone turning back.

Well, I've never known anyone firsthand.

But apparently, if you're young enough... those are useless on a stem.

Are you really sure this isn't just Joey's rebelliousness?

I mean, do they seem serious?

Well, I've never seen Stacy like this before.

And he's so excited to be a dad.

I believe they really are in love.

When did you awaken?

1841.

I survived a feeding and begged her to turn me.

You wanted to become a vampire?

It was the lesser of two infections.

In 1840, there was an epidemic of cholera in lower Manhattan.

It was a painful and degrading death.

My husband and sisters had all passed.

But, miraculously, my children were fine.

Not to be indelicate, but I had digestive rumblings that I knew were the early symptoms, and orphans did not fare well in those days.

So did your kids survive?

My son lived to the ripe old age of 63.

And my daughter married Peter Meester, and lived to be 99.

Unprecedented at the time.

Well, not many elderly people had strong young mothers to look out for them.

After the grandchildren, it would've been hard to stay in their lives and not scare them.

Did you get that? Got it.

You know, the only surefire way is to behead her.

Everything else might just piss her off.

And when Cisserus is dead, Stacy will be a normal girl.

Normal for Stacy.

But, what happens to you, then?

I saved my kids.

Let's go save yours.

Here you go. Here's your family tree.

Your living descendants.

A great-great-great-great grandson.

A drug addict. Incarcerated.

Four doctors. One in Doctors Without Borders.

Two professors, four teachers, and in the House of Representatives, Jane Rutherford, who chairs several committees.

She looks like you.

Thank you.

All right, leave the guns.

Bring the axes, hatchets, blades.

All right, let's go get this dried up bitch.

Well, I don't go to those places much, either.

But it just shows you can meet someone really nice.

Well, I never go to those places, so...

I can't believe I met you, though.

You are beautiful. You're so sweet.

Would you like to sit? Oh, would I?

Nice here. Isn't it?

Oh.

Isn't your wife worried about where you are so late?

She's on a trip and what she don't know won't hurt her.

Aren't you a bad boy?

I can be very bad.

So what does a dirty boy like you do for a living?

I'm a dentist.

You're a dentist?

What a lucky break.

Because I have something I'm really concerned about.

Can I show you?

I've never seen anything like that in my...

Oh, no! No!

Run! Get out of here!

You asshole.

Let's go.

You bad girls.

I am very disappointed in you.

After all I've done for you, this is how you pay me back?

Are you okay?

Who treats their stem like this?

Those needed gunpowder!

Duck!

Oh, my God. We did it.

No. You guys, we have to get her into the tomb.

Help me. Okay, okay.

Argh.

When did my ass get so flat?

Can I just say... ow!

Wait... what are we gonna do about the body?

Oh, it'll die in a minute.

Where were you?

What? You asked me to get a chainsaw.

I get halfway here and realize it needs gasoline.

Do you know where to get gasoline at 4:00 in the morning?

Why didn't you get it where you got the saw?

Because I thought you plugged them in.

What am I, a lumberjack?

In the forest, you're plugging things in?

Yes, like a hairdryer or a... Joey!

Come on, come on!

Come on! Come on! I don't believe this.

Hurry! Hurry.

Okay, close it.

Whoa. Okay, let's go.

You feel anything?

No.

Wait.

That's it?

You've aged 20 years?

Well, I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or sunbathe.

Oh, well, maybe your genes just aren't as good.

But with Botox and laser resurfacing...

Don't tell me you lied about your age.

Oh, come on.

Who the hell names their kid Goody anymore?

You won't get any older, will you?

It's okay.

I've been around long enough.

I'm tired.

I should've known.

Every time I turned on the History Channel, all I saw was stuff about Hitler.

Don't be sad. I was gonna go into the sun before I met you.

You showed me how to have fun.

Is there anything you want?

Yes.

I don't wanna be here.

I want to be in the center of things.

Let's go.

You all right?

You all right? How do you feel?

Hungry.

How about one of those pretzel things?

Joey, can you go get one of those pretzel things?

Of course. Thanks.


Goody. Goody.

Oh, my God.


Oh!

Hey, I saw that.

What? She looked at me. I wasn't doing anything.

Need I remind you that I gave you the best years of my life? Best years of my life.

Yeah, and I'm not talking five, 10 years here.

We're talking infinity.

Do you have any idea what that's like?

I'm starting to get an idea.

All right, Goody. Watch this.

Too frightening.

Is it too frightening?

Bleh!

Well, you got Grandpa that time.